Plumbing the Death Star - Which Apocalypse is the Most Survivable Apocalypse? Live! (Feat. Adam)

Episode Date: February 26, 2017

In which our heroes fall out, delivery goods to war boys, become Wasteland gigalos and eat your mates as we ask which Apocalypse is the most survivable Apocalypse?Want to come see Movie Maintenance and Plumbing the Death Star Live? Just head here https://www.trybooking.com/OXLV to grab your tickets today!Purchase your Sydney Comedy Fest tickets right here; http://www.sydneycomedyfest.com.au/single-event?show_id=1546! And you can watch this episode live right here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdKTULOlWnA Want to help support the show?Patreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, we find it hard to math sometimes. Hey everyone, this episode is available to watch over at YouTube, just search for Sands Pants CinemaScope and you can watch this, as well as a few behind the scenes videos and even some let's plays. But before you do that, we've got a few announcements. First off, we're doing another live show in Melbourne, this time it's on a saturday and during the day we're teaming up with movie maintenance for their 100th episode till the 29th of april at the exford hotel 3 till 6 p.m click the links in the show notes to grab your tickets before they're all sold out also we're heading back to sydney for the sydney comedy fest just head to sydney comedy fest.com.au

and search for plumbing palooza all word, to grab your tickets today. So hey everyone and welcome to a very special live edition of Plumbing the Death Star. What have we got? Not used to... No, that got me good because I wasn't expecting an applause. Then I saw people start to go clap. I paused. No one clapped because they realised that I was still talking.

That was a mess. We need to communicate better, audience. You can't edit this. I'm not. I refuse. Where we ask the important questions like, which is the most survivable apocalypse? Who wants to begin? I'll begin.

So I reckon Mad Max if you play it right. I think if you play Mad Max stupid, if you make mistakes, you're done. You're out. You're a leather daddy or you're on the back of a leather daddy's bike. Those are your two options. Or you're living in that weird community from Mad Max 2 where everybody looked like, is there any cricket gear? And robes. I don't want to be there.

That sounds like a utopia. May I offer an immediate issue? Shoot. So, Mad Max is pretty much always based heavily around driving. And activity. You can't drive.

Yes. But I can learn because I've got the rest of my life. You've got like a giant fuck off Mad Max car with like spikes and shit and then just L plates. And again, in Jack's defense there's no road rules

Yeah, like I have to like 90% of my learning is just Don't worry about it Like he doesn't have to learn how to parallel park in the wasteland Three point turns, no But another big thing though is that Max survives a lot of the time because he's a good driver

Almost every single thing he gets out of by driving good You haven't heard my plan yet. He might just have like a the blinker on to confuse him but he's confused so he's gonna turn left. So rather than being an average driver, like average drivers die, really good drivers survive but really bad drivers just

slay. Think about how fast they're going in Fury Road, right? Real fast. Imagine I'm also there just driving my way to like, I don't know, Diesel Town or whatever. Yeah. And then they all rush past me. Nobody's got time to stop for the little guy just, like, beep, beep, beep.

Everyone's just like, boom, in the dust cloud. And I'm like, I wonder what's happening there. And drive it, like, 20 miles an hour up towards Gasoline Land. Okay. So my plan is buy a van, or get it. I can take a van. Yeah, you can buy it. In the wasteland, there's no currency.

Other than gasoline. But I find a van. And then I raid places for cigarettes, candy, alcohol, pornography, and... Nah, that'll do. The four basics of survival.

Then I armor up my van and I roam the wasteland getting people addicted to my goods until I'm like beloved by everybody around the wasteland. I'm everybody's friend. Do you have like a stereo? It's like a top shop car, yeah.

You're basically Mr. Whippy in the wasteland. I'm Mr. Whippy in the wasteland. I get some real good fucking thrash metal going. Yeah, like a... And everyone's about to fight. Like, oh, wait. He's here.

Park in the middle. Everyone lines up. You never leave the van. All the little kids of Dust Town running along behind you. Dad's yelling, throwing out coins. Remember to give me some pornography and two-pack cigarettes and something for your mum. Also pornography. I really like that because the currency's gasoline,

I'm just going to have to do it like cups or something. Kids are just trying to pour oil, like gasoline, up at you. It's just pouring down the side of your fan. Have a trough to collect it all. No. You make it... Okay, I've got to. Have a trough to collect it all? No. You make it... Okay, I've got... At this point, I'm already going to interject.

You're getting people addicted to goods and then still making them pay for it in a world where murder is just a thing. Well, that's why I armour up my van so that all they can do is push me on my back. I roll over like a tortoise and still serve them... Guns? Huh? Guns? I've got like a plate. It's like a tuck shop. You know, like a tortoise and still serve them... Guns? Huh?

Guns? I've got like a plate. It's like a tuck shop. You know, like a classic tuck shop? What school did you go to where tuck shops have... You mean like a bank? Yeah, whatever. Like a bank-tuck shop hybrid.

What banks are on wheels? No, I'm not... What tuck shops are on wheels? None of this has been on wheels. Why is this on wheels? Of so you're you're gonna armor it up yep this is a separate question roll you over and you so you're gonna keep selling to those people who just rolled you over? Well, eventually they'll get tired of rolling me around. And I'll be like, do you want a drink or something? Yeah. So I got like a little tray that I can slide the thing through and a little, I guess, pipe that they can pour the gasoline in.

That's how we exchange our currency. The moment you open the window, gone. You are not... I open it like this. If it's a tiny little hatch in the side of my van I open it like every time and I got a piece of bulletproof material at the back

of the van that's full of bullet holes from when they've shot through alright what do you want I know that's going to be part of it you might be too valuable to kill. You know what I mean? Because if you're traveling and trading and everything, they'll be like, no, no, no, leave him.

Yeah, exactly. I'm nice with everyone. Because if you kill him, then you just get all the stuff. But if you kill him, you only get cigarettes for one day. You let him live, you get cigarettes for like all the day. Yeah, I've got to think clever in the wasteland, Dusha. Come on now. Don't be impulsive.

Wait, everyone else is thinking stupid. They might be impulsive. You're fucked. I imagine everywhere I'm driving, I'm covered in like war boys all around trying to get in. Crack me open with like can openers. Gotta get the goods inside. Those are the wasteland staples nobody thinks of.

That's why I think it's important. What about bombs? How are you going to stop those? Because your van flips. That's fine. But like bombs. That I just got to deal with. Everybody's got to deal with bombs.

That's just the habit of the wast bombs. Who's not dealing with bombs? That's a thing, like how are you surviving these bombs? Well, hopefully everybody likes me enough from all the porn and cigs I gave them. Yeah. They're cool when I roll into town, they're excited. I give them cigarettes. Can you imagine, say it's like a month trip between all of the towns.

When I'm like two weeks away from the town I started at, they're going to be craving cigarettes. When I come in, they'll be happy to give them to me. What happens when you sell out? I assume I have like a stockpile somewhere. Yeah, but even that will sell out eventually. Well, I mean, what's your life expectancy

anyway in the wasteland? If I'm like dead in ten years, I'm like, good run. It's sad and scary that you can tell your life expectancy by how many ciggies you have. Apt. Well, I could probably figure out how to make my own and sell them. You're going to grow tobacco in a wasteland.

In a van. I get water from somebody for porn. Water for porn is a good deal. Jugs for jugs. Jugs for jugs. I start to make a little plantation. Are you also going to make your own porn? At a certain point, I'll have to.

Gross. Somebody looks like... Why do all the actors in this porn have one ball all of a sudden? Why does that gross frog man the other gross frog man i like to imagine rolling into like a town and they're like if you got any porn i'm like i don't have porn but what i do have is an opportunity what would you like to be part of a fledgling wasteland business

yeah so that's i mean that's my wasteland i think it's pretty good you could survive quite a while for that until everything runs out and if I do it clever if I'm like oh I'll give you a page of jugs you know you can have one jug whatever you get the right one later I can probably extend my life a bit

before I'm eventually eaten or whatever I like you're all looking at me like I'm a judge. You're the one with the most problems. Guilty. No, um... Look, it's survival... Actually, a good way to do this and we'll go by life

expectancy. We'll rate everyone by how long you think you can survive. That's an easy way to do this and 10 years absolute max. I could last longer than 10 years. No, it's basically life expectancy of Mad Max. How much do you improve? Yeah.

And I think you'd probably double it. Yeah, man. Compare Max when he's got his camel car to me in my van full of goodies. I'm living the life. Plus, whenever I want, I can have a candy. When I roll into town, I can be drunk, cigarette hanging out of my mouth, porno held up like that, candy

also in my mouth. So you reckon you'll get drunk? Your life expectancy is dropping significantly because you'll do something real dumb. Like leave the hatch open so I'm just putting a bomb in. And I didn't plan for bombs. I think if you played safe and were smart and provisioned that you had a stockpile of stuff that you had access bombs. I think if you play it safe and were smart

and provisioned that you had a stockpile of stuff that you could access to, I think you'd survive quite a long time. I think I would too. All right, then. All right, then. Nah. All right, douche is talking shit.

What's yours? Go on. Adventure time. He fucked us. All right. I'm going to give ooh the business. I will live forever. Are you Dusha the human boy in this?

Yes. All right. So Dusha the human boy. I guess my first question is, like, do you need to survive Adventure Time? It's an apocalypse. Technicality. Die from diabetes. I won't eat everything.

I have some self-control. No, you don't. Look at you. And my peak physical shape? Nailing it. Well, what makes it survivable? Walk me through it. Well, that's the thing.

It's real survivable. It is an apocalypse, and there is only one human. Yeah. So I guess the worst thing that could happen is I eat my friends. If that's the worst thing, that's pretty good. Of course you'd say that. But that's if you eat apocalypse, eat your friends, I guess. Well, you're going to eat your friends in an apocalypse.

Yeah, like regardless. But this time it tastes a candy i'm assuming in my mad max when i ate you before i even said it i was like i got this plan you're like can we come on like no no no the road it's a long road trip i'm making jerky out of you um you don't know how to fight dragons really or monsters i don't have to you don't have to solve all the things max did but there's a lot of things happening in Adventure Time that are the problems there. There's a lot of things that are going to be attacking.

I guess the question is what kingdom, first of all. Yeah. Gotta choose wisely. Plain kingdom. Nothing. Just, I don't know. Pick one for me. Candy. Done. Oh yeah, Candy Kingdom. The most obvious one.

Yeah, that's real easy to do. Provided that there's... Jake and Finn are shown eating regular food. So that exists because that was a stress I just had for a second. Isn't there a meat man you can eat? Yeah. Not in Candy Kingdom though, probably. Do you need to be made of candy

to immigrate to the Candy Kingdom? Finn and Jake aren't citizens. They don't live in the kingdom. No, that's what I mean. They can come and go as they please. Yeah, I mean like in this situation I guess I live in the city. Do I live with Jake as well? No. They're still around.

Oh, I'm not replacing Finn. No, he's still a guy. Mad Max is still a guy in my one. He's selling him porn. I'm Max. I got his good. Do you get lonely, Max? Ah! So, okay.

I was going to say, then I'll befriend Finn, but that's a terrible way to survive. I'll die straight away. You'll get your head chopped off or get caught in a riddle or a metaphor or some fucking bullshit. And you'll try to be like main protagonist knowing you, so you try and be like, I'm the hero. You're not going to be the hero.

I'd probably, oh, yeah. Plus there's only one human. It's lonely. You're not going to be able to breed with any strawberry people. And I'm also like a 25-year-old man. Jake's a 13-year-old boy. He'll start talking. I'm like, we've got nothing in common.

Exactly. Yeah, it's a struggle. It's survivable. It's survivable, but you a 13 year old boy. He'll start talking like, we got nothing in common. Exactly. Yeah, it's a struggle. It's survivable. It's survivable, but you're going to be bored. Once you've finished eating your mates, you're like, what else can I do? I think that's remarkably safe, actually. I think you're doing alright. You got my vote, man. I feel like there are enough attacks

of something every year that you're going to get caught up. The Candy Kingdom fucking explodes like once an episode about the Candy Kingdom. I've not seen anyone die like I have in Mad Max, though. I've seen... Well, not Mad Max.

That's brutal. No one in Candy Kingdom is getting their face torn off from a wheel of a car. Exactly. But I've seen candy people crack open and their candy goo come out. And zombies get

them in the first step yeah don't they fix that though yeah yeah but do should might get eaten in the fray but then um princess bubblegum would just be like no i'll fix that why why is she like you why does she oh she's also like a 13 year old girl we got nothing in common she'll probably be like you remind me of my dad and i'm like that's weird weird, she's like, I hate my dad I'm like, that's not good news I gotta go And then also, Candy King blows up, she's like, I wish everyone was back to normal Except Usha I'm glad he's dead

Your every day is a living nightmare Because we see them as cartoons But presumably you see them as hideous Animated candy See, I picked an apocalypse That in theory is survivable, but not something I would survive because I would hate it so much. Everybody would be so scary to look at.

And really optimistic and happy. No, thank you. No, thank you. Where's Angst Kingdom? You'd survive, but you wouldn't be happy. I could be friends with Marceline. Yeah, but you've got the problem with Finn in reverse she's like hundreds of years old

she knows she doesn't have time for you also like doesn't she almost kill Finn yeah you'll get killed straight away there's too much danger happening constantly and it's too small an area at least in Mad Max I can fuck off to the desert for a year and yeah also

as much as this hurts me to say, I don't think anyone in U would like me too much. It's true though. Like, stop fucking around, you fairy floss. This is dumb. Why would he say that?

You'll get slain. The good guys will kill me. I'll be a bad guy in Adventure Time. Finn, there's a jerk in the Candy Kingdom. He's just being real mean to everyone. Finn's like, I'll stab him with my sword. Then you're beheaded.

Yeah, no. Not great. Either you live a life that is incredibly boring or you live a life that's terrifying. Or you're slain. Try to be a lesson to Finn. I reckon you could survive if you were a lesson. Love thy enemy.

There you go. I feel like he's learnt that lesson, though. Yeah, but... You can always learn a lesson again. Oh, actually, you know, because Finn has to learn that his dad's a piece of shit. Yeah, are you teaching him that? I'll be like...

Are you also going to be like, this guy, piece of shit, just saying. No, I'll be... Sometimes dads leave, okay? Your dad's a piece of shit, but look, I'll ease you into it by being not quite a bigger piece of shit, just saying. Sometimes dads leave, okay? Well, your dad's a piece of shit, but look, I'll ease you into it by being not quite a big piece of shit, but a bit of a piece of shit. I do like the idea of you following Finn around

and just spoiling all of his lessons. You've got to think more about others. I was going to go in the... Oh, well. Your dad's a jerk. I haven't even... Okay, yep. Lesson learned. Friendship. If you become useful to Finn in his life,

then you got his protection. He is the protagonist. Can I do anything that would impress him? I can do podcasts, albeit. I'm like, hey, Finn, I'll do one third of a podcast for you. So I don't want to use cigarettes to solve another problem. Get him addicted to cigarettes? And you're useful to him.

Hey, kid. Get on over to the cigarette kingdom. Be like cigarette princess. I need some cigarettes. I have some plans. Do you have a drag? Get him addicted. It's good.

I don't know if I'm morally okay with making a 13-year-old boy smoke. It's to save your life, Desha. It's either him or you, so come on. I like that that's what this has become. I like that if I was bored, I'd probably just off myself. But now that I'm like, I might have to do a terrible thing to stay alive, life seems more valuable now.

Exactly. I don't want to die anymore, guys. Yeah, no, I'm going to get finna addicted to smirking. Live forever. Yeah! You did it! I'm going to put forward something very similar to Jax. Okay. It's the Kevin Costner classic.

The Postman. Because it's basically like a Mad Max where everyone isn't as violent. There was terrible storms that happened. There was like a three-year winter. There was a war that happened. So everyone, like all the little places, don't have communication with each other.

Water is kind of crappy, but whatever. You can get a mule that can test the water for you. That's good. And that's pretty good. That's like a world where we're using mules again. And so Kevin Costner, what he does in this film, he goes to town to town and just acts out Shakespeare, but really bad and everyone loves it.

Okay. I can act out some shitty plays. Does he act out Shakespeare? Yeah. Is that the first scene in that movie, him acting out Star Wars? No, that's Rain of Fire, dickhead. Yeah, gotcha. I know my Costner movies and my Christian Bale movies.

So yeah, he acts out Shakespeare and everyone's impressed, except for one guy who's like, you were terrible, mate, but whatever. Did he remember Shakespeare? Most of them did, or some of them did. They're all really young and they're all kind of real stupid and very gullible. And the reason why, eventually, after he gets captured and everything he finds it's an outfit of a postman and he's like yeah i'll be a postman and he just goes into a town and ruses them by being like yeah the government's back i'm a postman that's how i'd know you want

to give me some food and they do okay and one. And one of them's like, hey, you look pretty good. Have you had the big pox? I want your semen. And he's like, all right. And she's just like, look, this is my husband, Charlie. Charlie's infertile, and we need semen. Semen, sure. And so I reckon I could survive this world by going town to town and being a jiggler.

Oh, right. It's kind of like, you know... I'm disease-free. I haven't had syphilis. You're clean. I'm clean. I'll take your semen. What else, eh?

Do what you want with it. I don't care. Rub it on your face. Not my problem. You know prostitutes don't start out their life with a disease, right? They pick it up as they go. And in a wasteland, condoms are going to be kind of hard to come by.

Yeah. She. He either died from syphilis. Dying from syphilis in the wasteland is the most unexpected death. I don't know. Somehow he'll die like 24 hours in. He just gets like mega syphilis in the Wasteland is the most unexpected death. I don't know. Some hail will die like 24 hours in. It just gets like mega syphilis. Damn.

Also, I have trouble believing that you could knowingly let a mule or donkey die. I feel like you're too soft for that. Is that how you test with your mule? Your mule melody? Don't give it a name of my dog um nah he just goes he's like hey there's a drum of thing thing like what do you think bill the donkey who he ends up eating in the film anyway so whatever you gotta you're gonna eat it anyway yeah uh and like he tested and he's like what does that taste like it's a bit like methyl but it's fine

and they both drink and they have a good time what What's the good of the mule then? If he was going to drink it anyway. He trains the mule as he's like actor in crime. For a second, for a second, because when you were acting it out, I thought for a second the mule was like, oh, it tastes a bit like methyl, but it should be fine. I was like, you didn't mention the mule talks.

So, is not a better plan for you in the post-man apocalypse? Yep. To just sell your semen? Yeah. Done. I put him in a little buggy bag. There you go.

Job offer. Hi, I'm Jackson. I'm sick and tired of selling porno. The new market, where the money is, is semen. Because, again, the communities are so isolated that they kind of need new blood as well. Oh, no, that's clever. I'm on your side now.

I'm like, look, you know, you don't want to get all inbred because you know what happens. So... I feel like you've got a similar problem that Jackson has where you're going to be doing a lot of traveling and while it's not as violent,

there is that guy who was like, I am an army, me and my army are going to kill anyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was so sure you were going to say, you've got the same problem as Jackson. Eventually you're going to run out. That is an issue. You are quite

old. Oh no, I'm only like what, 10 years good? Oh yeah, we didn't give Dushar life expectancy. 100. Yeah, done. He's eating too much candy. No I'm not. I don't like candy that much. 100. 100. Yeah, done. He's eating too much candy. No, I'm not. I don't like candy that much. 100. Yeah, that guy.

What's his fucking name? Holson or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Holness. There we go. So he might kill you. He might kill me, but like, whatever. I also like that you're...

You can, like... The postman gets away by just jumping into a river. You hate rivers. Do you think you're as fit as Kevin Costner was Like 20 years ago I don't think any of us are as fit as Kevin Costner is now I was going to say he was like 48 when he filmed it Okay wow But like him at 48 is still fitter than me at 30

But a benefit of selling your semen to all of the communities is that when you die, you might end up ruling every kingdom, depending on how much semen you sell. Genghis Khan this year. Yeah, that's kind of cool. That's why Genghis Khan is still in charge today. Sold all of his... His spirit lives on in us all.

Or at least like 70%. Genghis Khan sold his semen to the Mongols. That's what they say. Yeah. So exactly. I'll just jerk off into a cup and be like, excuse me, anybody? Is a part of the postman that people can't conceive? I just assumed it was.

Some people can't because of the... Okay, so good. Okay, so you're not just doing it in the hope. No. I like the idea that you're bringing... They call them like body fathers. So it clearly is something that exists in this world anyway. Do you want me to be alright?

Let's do a little role play. So I want your semen. Yes. Done. But while I'm interested in semen, not necessarily yours yet, sell me on your seed. Okay.

Alright. Alright. Well, I have never had syphilis. I didn't have the pox. It wasn't a worry, the syphilis thing, but that's fine. It always is. In the wasteland. Never had pox, so I'm very much disease free.

I'm of reasonable intelligence. I'm not that tall, but that doesn't matter. Make sure you don't slip that in there to kind of convince you. I wanted a very tall baby. All the good fruit tie up in trees. Excuse me, honey. Let me ask some questions.

So, my question is, do you have any medical experience to help us, or are you just selling us a cup? What do we do with it? Mate, look, I can either just get into a turkey baster, or I can fuck your wife. That's how you're going to get syphilis.

I'm riddled with syphilis. That's why I'm impotent. Why do you want a child? What if you just, like, legs are kimbo and I'll just try and aim above you? I mean, nobody said the wasteland would be glamorous. It's fine. You're going to have to try a bunch of times. It's not going to work every time.

You're going to have to wait so long and live with me and Adam in the wasteland. That's just a risk you take. Maybe I charge it. That's only for one time as well. How many times are you going to do this? I guess I'm going to be pretty tired. Just do something more like a hassle. Yeah. What am I going to pay you for your seed? I guess I'm going to be pretty tired. It's not something more like a hassle. Yeah.

What am I going to pay you for your seed? Give me some soup. You're going to be so raw and red. One thing of soup is enough for you, potentially, for a month to try and impregnate my wife. No, I can soup every day. Every day? Soup every day. I already have a son.

I'm trying to get a second one. We don't need another mouth to feed. We do in a bit, but not now. I just got to find a nice job, settle down. We got this. We got this. We got the house. You're desperate for a kid.

So, like, just let me bang your wife. Adam, just let him do it. He's not going to get out of the house. And then I guess I'd die from syphilis. Within 24 hours. Is that the life expectancy we give Examet for his 24 hours?

I'm happy to roll with that. Yeah, that seems fair. 10, 124. Once again, you ruined me. Alright, Adam, what do you got? Alright, so I'm going

like Jackson with a wasteland that I think well, actually, everyone here thinks they know the wasteland, but they don't know shit I know like the back of my goddamn hand the world of Fallout If anyone's gonna survive the Fallout, he goddamn hand, the world of Fallout.

If anyone's going to survive the Fallout, he's going to survive the Fallout. Damn it! You want to know where you need to be exactly the right time to save the future president of the NCR? This boy knows. I'm going to save that chick and she's going to make me vice president.

Is that how it works in the wasteland? You save my life. Vice president, I guess. She wasn't president at the time Is that how it works in the wasteland? You saved my life. Vice president, I guess. She wasn't president at the time. There are no rules in the wasteland. I'd make an ever-on vice president. Don't kill me, vice president. I'm not just going to survive.

I'm going to thrive. You're finally in your element after all this time. Yes, I am. The moment the first bomb goes off, you're like, yes. Yes! I've been planning this my whole life Incidentally, that's a worst case scenario Because I live in Australia Yeah

And a nuclear exchange between China and the US Who's dropping bombs on Australia? You might call it Well, are we basing it on now? Literally today? Because Australia has bases that hold weapons that are aimed at China. So guess who is definitely getting nuked? Worst case scenario then, I guess, Vice President.

Vice President would probably detract from your life expectancy there. Assassinations in the wasteland, I'm assuming, are high. Here's what I'm thinking. So, your main character in the Wasteland, okay, in Fallouts, he... Mr. Fallout. He or she has, like, skills

that they just get to choose. Excuse me? You didn't get to choose your skills, and your skills aren't so easily, you know, separated. Or as high. Melee, energy weapons, guns. I know all of the builds. I got this.

Don't worry. But can you physically do that to your body? Say, you, Adam Cannavale, we're going to go for an energy weapon build. How? Well, I'd probably go for guns because I think I could learn them easier. You said energy weapons. I'm saying I know every build. I'm saying I know what the rules are.

You don't get to pick perks? I know the right perks to pick. Yeah, but you can't. As I literally just said, you don't get to pick perks. All right. You and Adam don't. Maybe I don't get to make my character perfectly the way I want to but I know enough that it won't matter yeah I think your downfall is that you're gonna be

power hungry and you're gonna kill the president to beat the president and then you're gonna get got also I think your health bar is literally gonna be an issue because you don't have one and in fallout there's at least some room for error but like if you get shot you're not you're not running you're not like surviving that and I depends how quickly you can get access to power armor really

no I think but like there's people shooting you all over the place Adam gets shot once he's in the ground you would pet a death claw I would pet a death claw they look kind of cute

did you know they're named after a creature called the Jackson Chameleon? Oh, they're not named after, but they evolved from the Jackson Chameleon. Is it anything like me? Why would you think it would be? It's got my name. It's a bit dopey, I suppose. All right. An issue doucher, I saw.

You were going to shoot Adam out, it looked like. Oh, no, I think it was just mostly going to be like, you're dying, like you're getting shot, you're done. I want to get shot because I'll know where to be when. Yes, but you don't know where to be. Oh, sorry, okay. That does remind me. This is what I was going to jump down your throat about.

All right, go on. Surprise. So you've played Fallout and know it like the back of your hand. I doubt you've beaten the game without losing health ever. And losing health in Falloutout is a bullet yeah but in real life that's just losing life in fallout you get shot in the head it's like head crippled in real life you get shot in the head just good that's death good night you're done in rip all out you also can't climb certain hills because of invisible walls what What if I do that? Don't fight anyone.

No, no, no. That's silly as well because you know, Fallout liked the back of your hand. If you run through the invisible wall, you're in like Uncharted Territory. You've got no idea what's going on.

Yeah. Then you're doing worse than Jack. But better than Zammet. Better than Zammet. I still reckon I could dodge and weave. Maybe I might get shot, but I think all three of us, all four of us. Who did you not count? I was just counting the people I could dodge and weave. Maybe I might get shot, but I think all three of us, all four of us.

Who did you not count? I was just counting the people I could see. It happens. Oh. All four of us have chances of being shot. Yeah. Not in the room. He's got a good point.

Chances of being stabbed. We don't fight dragons. Yeah. Or the lich. Yeah. Yeah. We don't have to fight stabbed. We don't fight dragons. Yeah. Or the lich. Yeah. Yeah. We don't have to fight a lich at all. Well, Disharass doesn't have to fight it.

He's a blind. I might have to fight a deathclaw, which, yeah, is not good. And I will try to fight it. I just think that, like, what is presented in the game is very different to what it would be like in real life. And I imagine the bombs drop, you're like, sweet, and then pew, and that's just you done. Shot in the head straight away. Just nuclear fallout.

Exactly. How do you have to deal with the reasons that your apocalypse happened? I got syphilis! That's an after-happen. I didn't know. What happens after? My apocalypse happened ages ago So did mine I think

Depends how old I am But it doesn't matter if it's full 1, 2, 3, oh 3 might not be good But 1, 2, 3, New Vegas would be stellar All I need to do is just chill at Goodsprings Yeah but also A lot of water is re-radiated Not in Goodsprings

Well you're just going to stay in the one town I mean he does that anyway Yeah, but also a lot of water is irradiated. Yeah. Not in Goodsprings. Well, you're just going to stay in the one town? I mean, he does that anyway. Can you contain yourself knowing the wasteland's out there and you have to stay in boring Goodsprings just chatting to that old guy who's like, I've got a motorbike, don't work. You know that guy sitting out in front of the tavern? Sorry?

EZP. EZP, There it is. Yeah, you're not going to stay at Goodsprings. You're going to go exploring and drink some radiated water and shit your guts out. You're going to get power hungry or wanderlust. And there you go, into the wasteland, never to be seen again. Also, you don't need to eat in Fallout.

Can you tell me where the food is? I don't want to embarrass myself too much, so I'm going to say no. Ah. Yeah, because, like, food, water, also, do you know where the toilets are? There's a bush. Everywhere.

Come on, it's the wastelands. Yeah, but he's also then going to get... We can shit anywhere. Yeah, but you're also going to get infections there. Where am I going to shit? Out your back of the van? I don't want to open it up. I was imagining I'd stay in there forever.

I'm fine. Just straight down the bottom, but go drill a hole that's where the war boys will come well they'll pay the ultimate price for that one I guess if I have a good plug or whatever anyway wait can we go back to earlier things because you said something in an exam it's one that I wanted to call you back on your one what you said damn it would like What? You said Zammett would die because of a lack of companionship. What companionship do you have

stuck in your van? I'll buy a dog. Where's the dog gonna shit? What are you feeding the dog? Tobacco and porn? Candy and booze. You're gonna off yourself you keep killing your animals

oh it's Jackson and his drunk dog come oh happy day my favorite time of year give him all the gasoline

well what do we give damn it's life expectancy what do we think Dammit's life expectancy? What do we think? Adam's life expectancy? No, Adam's He gave me 24 hours I'm going to give you

48 hours I give Adam a good 20 years Don't you laugh I'm living twice your age Yeah, but I 20 years Die doing what I love Sleeping with people's wives

Well, I also die doing what I love Trying to pat a death claw So I think we're the winners I think so Okay, just back to People's wives. Well, I also die doing what I love, trying to pat a death claw. So I think we're the winners. I think so. Okay, just back to what you said there. We're not giving him 20 years. No way.

20 years? To dodge bullets. If Adam stays at home for 20 years, he could do that. It's a rubbish life, but he could do it. I've already stayed at home for like 20 years. And it's a rubbish life, but he still did it. And now he made the mistake of coming out of the town. You get shot now.

Yeah. So 26 years. All right, so those are the ones we chose. Yeah. There are a lot of apocalypses out there. Yeah. What other ones? Backup ones, we think? Yeah.

I'm going to put forward Kevin Costner's other amazing film, Waterworld. Well, then you have Mike. Not that great a swimmer, though. Yeah, I was going to say, plus you have the problem that we have with mine. Do you know how to do a boat? Make a boat go?

I can go on maybe a ski boat. Go with Dennis Hopper and his lads. How much land is there? Not much. I think I get seasick. I don't. Somehow you've got less than 24 hours this time. I'm going to drown like that.

43 minutes? How long can you dog paddle? I reckon 43 minutes. The water hasn't even gotten to the top yet. Plus there's giant whale shark monsters. You're fucked. It's 43 minutes.

It's weird to imagine Waterworld is happening gradually. We're getting a bit higher now. The ice caps melt so I guess it's over a period of time. It must have been a period of time where everybody's walking around with water up to their knees. And that's where we lose Zalmon. Guys, like, loose footing. Is it stupid for me to imagine our legs evolving into mermaid tails?

Like, from the knee down? Kevin Costner gets gills. So, yes. That's stupid. He's on land. Ah, shut up. Phoebe's in the sea for ages. Kid has a tattoo on his back. It makes perfect sense. He drowned. But, yeah, no, all right, fair. I think, yeah, shut up. Phoebe's in the sea for ages. Get a tattoo on his back.

It makes perfect sense. He drowned. But yeah, no, all right, fair. I think, yeah, 43 minutes. That's pretty reasonable. Max, tops. Damn. T2, Judgment Day.

Wait, wait. Because the apocalypse doesn't happen during that, and the apocalypse, Judgment Day. So you're talking about surviving Judgment Day. Yeah, I reckon I could. Underground. Like a badger's hole you could sell us out to the robots oh i would they have no use for you they're gonna kill you yeah what if like what's gonna happen is us three are gonna be in our little bunker with the dog nearby sniffing humans as they come through. You step down the dog goes ape shit and we're like

he tried to sell us out. He just skinks of metal. I like that and coming back big robot gashes on my face. Didn't work out Jack? Nah. I didn't want you. I don't know. I was imagining that they took your skin and wrapped it around

the Terminator. I'd let them do that. Does that count? No. Well, your skin lives on, but only for a bit. That's all right. I reckon they put on a Terminator, and even though Terminator's robots, they'd still identify like, that's wrong.

That's not good. Got to get rid of it from our robot. This is, kill it. I do like to imagine t2 but instead of Arnie it's you yeah it's quite amusing what if I like you know in like you've been sent back to save John Connor now absolutely human race gone that's easy I gotta be like wait what is John what's coming from our terminate a t1000 sky we get in a plane.

Terminator can't get up high. You run out of fuel. Then we get another plane. Surely one of the first things Skynet takes control of is missile defence system. No, Skynet doesn't exist. Yeah, this is 1997. No, that's when Judgment Day is. Terminator did something to a helicopter in the movie.

Damn it! He fucked. I reckon like it 16 minutes Wow that's a decent amount of time Oh wait no wait saving John Connor 4 seconds maybe 4 and a half The cop at the beginning arrests They don't even arrest you

You just walk into the club naked The pub naked they shoot you They're like Give me your clothes No I'll do it they shoot you you're naked like lobster all right what do we give me for judgment day? You're dying in the bombs. Like zero. Yeah. Well, actually, you're probably not standing right underneath

the exact spot where the bomb hits. So like a second? Yeah. You'll back up? Just choose one. Zombies. A zombie apocalypse. Let's go with... Let's say all,

because I can't say, like, The Walking Dead, because I don't know what that was. No, no, we'll just say, like, your basic... Well, we could do slow zombies, then fast zombies. I could definitely survive slow zombies, fast zombies, probably not. Who's fastest? Adam.

Of the four of us. Adam. Adam. Adam survives. Because Adam's faster than us. You don't have to be faster than zombies, just faster than us. So, Adam wins.

But that only... Okay, so... He needs to be the fastest every time, though. Yeah, so he's got a better chance of surviving. Well, I'm never going to be the fastest. So you add Survivor straight away, but then you need to find other humans that you're faster than to stay alive longer.

And all the practices he's getting running away from us, he'll be real fit. Inevitably though, it is just going to end in the fastest of humanity and I don't know if that's going to be me. Look, believe in yourself. Believe in yourself, Adam. No training. Alright, can we go on this?

Are you training me up? Yeah. Alright. You're just training him to kill you. I don't want to live in a zombie apocalypse. Are you going to try and teach Adam to run wrong? You don't want to live, but you want me to live? Is this a punishment? I was going to say, would we, like if you got bit by a zombie,

would you say? All right. I know why you're asking. You're asking because you would say no. You would not say anything. Well, I just want to check what everyone's opinions offer. You'd be that one that thinks maybe I'm immune. I would actually assume I was immune, like 100%.

Damn it, Wood, I just would be like, oh, that'll go away. I'd just leave that, I'll be right. I'd sort it out myself. I like to imagine like, ah, that'll go away. I'd just leave that. I'll be right. I'd sort it out myself. I like to imagine you wouldn't notice that you were bit. I think at that time it's just three zombies

that's going to turn on you, Adam. Yeah. I'm sorry. Why do we assume Adam's not going to be, oh, he's fast. He's fast. And he's smarter than us. Yeah, yeah.

He's like, I got bit. You got to kill me. We're like, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. So I reckon zombie apocalypse, a bit longer than him, but like, oh my gosh.

What does that mean really? You gonna back up Adam? So, if you've ever, like, hold on, listen then judge. Alright. So, in Fallout 4, on. Listen, then judge. Alright. So, in Fallout 4, in a...

In a small back section of the Prydwen, there is a planter tray, because they have all these different plants. Sure. And one of the planter tray is Nirnroot. And so, a lot of people have taken this piece of evidence to say that Fallout and the Elder Scrolls

happen in the same universe. Okay. So I am picking the Elder Scrolls happen in the same universe. Okay. So I am picking the Elder Scrolls. But an apocalypse hasn't happened yet. I know there's dragons flying around. That's pretty bad. That's close, too. Actually, Alduin, I think, is...

He is the end of the world. Yeah, it's an apocalypse. Adam got you good. But Adam is a... I didn't even need the fallout connection. But Adam is a squishy 21st century human. No, we go back to an earlier one where I just become an assistant to the protagonist.

That's right, we've had this conversation. You cheated. All right, all right. I think, yes? So how often do you just let NPCs take the hit when you're playing as the hero because you know they can't die? All the time. Because I've got some bad news about you, Adam.

You can die. I'm sorry that no one told you this earlier. You're not immortal. I run the Radiant Rayman. Radiant Rayman. The clothes store. Yeah, okay. I just go there. I hide up the back. Maybe they'll let me work in the store.

You live a sad life as a freak. But I live. I think our best options are Mad Max, Postman, Fallout, and... Adventure Time? Adventure Time. So I reckon, rather than us voting, why don't we just hand over this lovely fine people that we have the clapper meter.

It's a classic. All right, so let's start with Jackson. Mad Max. Who survived the long? Roll me over. I'm fine. Zammett. Postman.

Postman. All right. Not one. Definitely did not win. Adam's fall out And wait for no one to clap for Adventure Time Adventure Time wins It shouldn't, guys I came last

What are you doing? No but like by our own reasoning You lived a hundred years Like we actually answered The question No, but like by our own reasoning, you lived 100 years. Like we actually answered the question. We didn't need the clapper media. We just got some confirmation. I'd just like to point out that the person who suggested that I live for 100 years was in fact me. You're the critics choice and the judges choice.

The critics choice and the people's choice. Don't accept it, man. All right. Thanks, guys. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've' choice and the people's choice. Don't accept it, man. All right. Thanks, guys. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Adam. And I've also been Joel.

And this was a live Plumbing the Dust time, Sydney 2. Woo! Thanks. I feel fine If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?