Plumbing the Death Star - Which Apocalypse Would Suck the Most Shit (Ft Jordan Breeding)

Episode Date: February 7, 2021

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SANS Pants Radio, Australia's hottest podcast network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which apocalypse would suck the most shit? And today we're joined by special guest Jordan Breeding. Hello, I'm Jordan. My voice isn't Australian, so it'll be easy to tell which one is me. Thank you for the little wave. That was just for us. We appreciated it. Hey, you're recording. I can see that we're recording, so somebody will watch this someday. Feel welcome.

After I've thrown this Mac in the tip, someone goes through it. And they'll be waving back. This guy seems nice. A wave just for them, but also for me, the man that works at the garbage tip. So, apocalypses. Most of the time, they're bad bad but some of them would be worse on the awful scale which one is it the most awful and and i don't think we're necessarily talking about you know how likely you are to die or anything like that it's just if it would suck

shit to live through you know if at any point you could turn to your companion and be like man this sucks shit that's what we're aiming for you know trying to pick the apocalypse where you turn to your companion and say man this sucks shit and they turn and say yeah it sucks the most shit right because like most apocalypses are pretty cool and you're like hey this isn't that bad but these are the real yeah these are the ones that are actually a bummer. Yes, look at my sweet haircut. I'm wearing some kick-ass leathers. This is nice. I'm not chafing.

We're all chafing, but it's fine. The only thing visible in my outfit is my nipples. How cool is that? This guy's playing electric guitar for us, and there's fire. That's amazing. I love it. I get to go to Barter Town and play Wheel of Fortune. It's great.

Yeah. Life's pretty cool. So obviously no one's picking Mad Max because that one actually rules. We all love it. We all want to live in Mad Max. That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

So straight off the bat, the first apocalypse that sucks the most shit that came straight to me is Waterworld. And I only have one point for this, which is you have to drink your own piss. You don't have to. You don't have to you don't you don't have to but i get encouraged yeah yeah yeah i mean i mean there's rain yes okay yeah so like there's a lot of bad things in the world but just knowing that living in a society where everyone's drinking their own piss and therefore has a famous piss breath i don't want to live in that society i would say hey hey this sucks shit you're like you know what i nobody's saying it but i will this sucks shit and i'm like what i like the idea that society is now ranked based on how bad the piss

breath is like it's already a given like if you have piss breath right now everybody's like oh my god like this guy's breath smells like piss what's piss breath right now everybody's like oh my god like this guy's breath smells like piss what's he been doing but in this society there's definitely rankings of it but is it but but i think this is important is it the more pissy your breath the higher ranked you are because you're the more hydrated quick question about piss breath um what does piss do to the teeth oh no nothing good it's gotta clean it right yeah maybe everything good okay it's sterile get rid of all that bacteria or enhance the bacteria i'm not sure so you have to wash your hands after you go to the toilet which to me indicates that you're

washing off germs yeah but i'm not I'm not pissing on my hands. So then it's your genitals? Yeah, but you do get a little bit of piss on your hands. You get a bit of piss on your hands. That's why you wash your hands when you go to the toilet. Because no matter what, you'll get piss spray on your hands. So that's why you're washing your hands. I don't know if this is an unpopular opinion for some reason.

I know everyone's mad at me, but it's true. You get piss in your hands. So Jackson's method of using a urinal or a toilet is to piss straight ahead into his hand and then use the hand to direct the water down, like a waterfall. By water, I mean piss. A pissfall. Right. Yeah. And then if you're thirsty halfway through, yeah.

Have a little sip. Yeah. Well, I was reading a story about a man who had to survive in the Australian outback, and he drank his own piss, and he said that the less hydrated he was, the worse his piss tasted. So does that mean, I guess my question is, if you drank more piss, would the piss eventually taste better because you became more hydrated drinking your own piss? No, because it's the kind of while you're taking it in

you're kind of filtering it out and it's becoming more and more the essence of piss. Let's play! Like Well, it's going to get thicker and thicker until it's very very ropey You're going to have to squeeze it out

It's like one of those Is that those endless thing coming out of your sleeve if you're a magician. Yeah, like handkerchiefs. Handkerchiefs, that's what it is. So as you're pulling ropey piss out of your genitals, you look to your friend and you say, this sucks shit.

Now, I haven't seen Waterworld. How often does that happen? Tugging each other's thick rope of urine it happens in the opening scene and i'll make uh kevin costner does have uh a little contraption where he turns his piss into clean drinkable water so i mean yeah you are drinking your own i guess what used to be pissed but this is just basically what the city of London goes through every day. Yeah, right. Being processed.

It's not too bad. And the benefits of Waterworld, I mean, first off, I guess, you know, owning a house seems pretty easy because everything is water. So I guess if you get floating, that's pretty neat. What? And you can potentially evolve gills. No, no, no. Let's stop for a second. Let's move back. second owning a house is easy

because everything is water are you saying that if I'm floating on my back in the sea I'm like I'm a homeowner think about now can I just grab a definition on house, owning something

and so right now so right now probably just those two for now so right now we have like lex luthor in superman returns not where i thought this was going uh this being like so the price of like real estate we need more real estate we more land because we're running a land to build real estate right? And so you have this whole thing where he's going to build new land out of kryptonite and therefore make money with housing. So if nothing is land and all we have is water, everything is going to be able to be built on.

It's significantly worse than what we're referring to. And all you need is a couple of two-by-fours that float. And you can be a homeowner. So I'm not like that. Currently, pirates don't take over your house, at least depending on where you live, I suppose. The pirates do have skidoos and jet skis. So I'm lying there on my plank being like,

I'm so lucky to own a home. And this skidoo just cleans me up. Oh, no, pirates. This sucks shit. But hey, you can build another house. You just got to pay for it. Yeah, it's so easy. And like in the real world, we are constrained by these brick

and mortar buildings. In the open ocean, we can float wherever. The horizon is my destination granted it is still the same you can float anywhere but it's all the same yes yes sometimes there's flotillas that you can trade what trade what my ropey piss i think uh dirt for a little girl that has a map on her back, maybe. Everybody come smell my pissy breath. I am your king.

It's a bit less pissy than some that you may have met on your travels. Sorry, I like that our general consensus seemed to be the pissier your breath, the worse. Except Jackson, who was like, the most pissy breath is king. The hydrated pissy boy in the land. breath is king the hydrated pissy boy in the land yes it's sort of like how in uh in ancient times the the fatter you were the more apparent it was that you've had enough to eat so if your breath is really pissy they're like this guy's been drinking other people's piss yeah the king oh wow oh my god someone didn't even consider other people's piss yeah you could have a farm well not really a farm well no because the cleverest move then

here and this is horrible to think about is you would have one person whose job it was they would drink the fresh water and then diffuse it through them as piss for everyone else to drink so i'm envisioning like the matrix where you just hook a bunch of people up to tubes and you're just like they're not even aware at this point. They're just pisses. It's like catheters. And it's just, you know, just flows down all into one machine. Yeah.

Into troughs for people to drink from like horses. Yeah. This does suck shit, dude. Yeah. I don't like this. This is fair. Face buried in the piss trough looking up like i wish this hadn't happened yeah never mind the the pirates and jet skis this this here sucks i do like my house but i wish that

i wasn't tied to a piss uh tube forever yeah it's good to imagine when you say i do like my house you're just waving a plank like i do like my house this is great don't get me wrong i don't want to complain i don't want to see my grateful rent is cheap but however the piss troughs they leave a little something to be desired you know just sucking piss out of a trough in the same way that a horse eats hay? You mean how a horse drinks water? Yes, that's what I meant. Like, there is a one-to-one here, Dainty. You know how horses

suck hay? It reminds me of ropey piss. Although, granted, the ropeier the piss, the more solid. Yeah. Maybe wet hay. Yeah, that's true. In a way, you are eating it, which is not cool. Snowy hay in winter. Chewing on piss is bad.

Yeah. That's pretty bad. That sucks. And look, I understand that, yes, the drinking situation is pretty terrible, and while I would have to having a lovely good sup of this pissy water, stand up next to my good friend and be like,

this sucks shit. This sucks shit, yeah. I have another apocalypse, which I think would perhaps suck even worse shit, that is also quite water-related. Oh. The biblical flood. Oh.

So God says, Noah, buddy, humanity cooked it. You've got to build a fucking boat. You've got to build a boat. You. You gotta build a fucking boat. Gotta build a boat. Gotta build a fucking boat. Talk about a sweet house. Yeah. Sweet water house. But you're trying to say it's worse.

Cleansing earth, but houses will be placed before. The one big one. It is also impermanent, if I'm not mistaken. That's true. Yeah, 40 days, 40 nights. Which floods, and then the flood eventually dries up. So either way, the rain comes down, and the parasitic man that I am just kind of sucks onto that boat

and climbs my way up. And then when Noah is there, I almost said Moses. That was wrong. When Noah is there, he's like, who are you? And I'm like, mate, it's me, your buddy. Remember, God said I'm cool. And that's me there. But the reason I think it would suck a massive amount of shit is, have you ever had to look after one animal?

Yes. That's bad. So now imagine looking after two of every animal. How many, if you or if we are in charge of Noah's Ark, when the 40 days and 40 nights are over, how many animals are just dead? Because I think quite a few. Look, I know you told me to keep them alive,

but that time I was just so much poop. I'd just be chucking that over the edge, being like, do we need this to grow plants? Off they go. I just love the idea of like on that little bit of land is like the floods receding and you look back into the ark and you're like, looks like we got one horse. The animals for the new world will be horse, possum.

Rats. There's a lot of rats. So many rats. Because I don't know how to look after a camel. If someone's like, here's a camel Look after it I'm going to be maybe two days And I'm feeding it to a lion You picked a bad animal

Camels look after themselves I was going to say I think it can handle water for a pretty long time That's it's whole thing In the desert When it's hump gets saggy I don't know it's doing well Because if I see a camel I'm like is he doing well Maybe they're bad

You know the rhyme Well I'm like, is he doing well? Maybe they're bad. If the hump is plump, you know the rhyme. Well, I'm feeding a healthy camel to a lion, and I'm sorry. If his hump is plump. If his hump is plump, do not dump, you know. If the hump is saggy. It's in Genesis, yes. Let it raggy. I might have accidentally fed a healthy camel to a lion. Genesis, yes. Let it raggy. Yeah, well, okay.

I might have accidentally fed a healthy camel to a lion, and I'm sorry. That's on me. We don't have camels anymore. What's next? I think that's fine. We don't need camels, you know? They don't provide anything necessarily to the brand new world.

Much like how Joel Zermatt made the mistake of picking camels there. You saying camels are an unnecessary animal, I feel like you've picked the wrong animal. Camels, very useful. What's necessary about a camel? They're desert horses. They are desert horses. Okay, so if I get rid of the horses as well, we have nothing to compare the camels to, and that's a clean slate.

We're going to have to get rid of the llamas as well. Yeah, beastly bird and done. Yep, there that's a clean slate. We're going to have to get rid of the llamas as well. Yeah, beastly bird and done. Yep, the camels are very fat lions. Looks like the only animals for the new world are fat lions. Looks like we got left. So sort of like a domesticated dog that doesn't know when to stop eating or drinking. What happens if you

overfeed a lion i think the same thing it probably dies well i would have thought that because lions you know are usually not domesticated and in charge of their own eating habits yeah that they would just stop eating okay no but doesn't doesn't okay there's gonna be a lot of rotting carcasses that will attract rats you think they would just you would feed it a camel and it would just kill it and leave it it doesn't matter what you put in there it's like I'll kill it but I'm not

I'm full, I'm not hungry I kill things, I do that there's no end to my blood lust but I am not hungry I think the thing that's going to suck shit about the biblical floods, Amit, is that it's only Noah and his family that get to survive it.

And you can climb onto the boat and be like, God said that you have to, like a kid sibling that's like, mom said you got to bring me too. Being like, God said I get to go on the ark as well. I don't think that'll float. And so I just think the worst thing about it is it's drowning. They seem to be pretty like they're going to take God's word at the drop of a hat.

I'm going to try and get on the ark. I'm going to be like, you know, Sasquatch, I'm a Sasquatch. I'm an ape man, Noah. Let me on. Yeah, there's only one of me. That's true about Bigfoot. Oh, that's great. I'm a Sasquatch, Noah.

Let me in. Now, where's Bigfoot. Oh, that's great. I'm a Sasquatch. Noah, let me in. Now, where's my wife? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! You fucked me, Noah! You want to know what the worst part of this is, though? And this is from the Bible itself. Noah had to have sex with his daughters.

Oh, no. Well, I don't know if he had to, but they got him drunk, and then they slept with him in the hopes of repopulating the earth. So depending on who you are in that scenario. That does suck shit. Yeah. You wake up the next day, you say to your wife, this sucks. This sucks shit.

And your wife's like, yeah, yeah, it does fucking suck shit. You piece of shit. Dead camels, this sucks shit, I've got to say. But you can be like, hey, Noah camels. This sucks shit, I gotta say. But you can be like, hey, Noah's daughters, look, you can either sleep with your old man, or the Sasquatch boy here. I'll go shave.

The fat lion. We got a Sasquatch, a fat lion, horses, and rats. That's it. Those are your potential sexual partners on the ark. Hey, that's not bad. Some of us don't even have that many choices.

I might climb onto the Ark and claim that I'm the boat captain. I'll be like, you don't have one of those, and Noah will be like, well, aren't I? And I'll be like, no, no, no, you're the boat builder. It's like Captain Phillips. Yeah, exactly. I think it's just a dibs scenario.

Whoever calls it gets it. I think that's how the whole Navy works. Every time they make a new boat. Yeah. Bags it, bags it, dibs it. All you got to do is be like, God said this. Come on. Well, I told you to build a boat, but he told me to commandeer the boat.

Here's the thing nobody talks about with the ark thing nobody talks about in the in the with the ark right in the bible and the flood if i see noah's building a boat i know i gotta build a boat too so why are you building that boat noah no reason is it gonna get wet no i think it is i gotta build a boat quick the exact opposite happens in the bible which is something you also like everyone was like hey fuckhead I got to build a boat quick. The exact opposite happens in the Bible, which is something you also like. Everyone was like, hey, fuckhead, why are you building a boat? It's not fucking wet. And he's like, there's going to be a flood.

And they're like, yeah, good one, fuckhead. Shut up. Enjoy your stupid land boat. Yeah. And there's the, I don't remember the name of the director, but there was the recent Noah with Emma Watson in it and Russell Crowe where there's death death fire angels as well and they attack and that does make the worst part too depending on aronofsky it was aronofsky yep oh there's weird rock angels yeah the rock angels

the rock angels are theoretically on your side uh because they're trying to they're they're demons i think that are trying to get back. Okay. They're allowed back if they kill a bunch of the people trying to commandeer the boat. I don't know if it's halfway through the movie, but I do generally remember that fight. I do think that's a little bit of extra addition. What if we sell out our other commandeerers

and work for the demon angels? Yeah. Well, I think you will still drown, but... Can't I ride them like a heavy boat? They're going up. They're going way up. That's true. Maybe you could hitch one all the way to heaven.

That'd be dope. Yeah. Now we're talking, which nicely brings me to my apocalypse, which I believe sucks shit. It's been a nice through line. That's good. I don't know how we're going to land mine. We'll figure out a way.

We'll cram it in. Yeah. I think, and going on the theme of the Bible, I think maybe the worst apocalypse would be the rapture, because I know I'm not going. And that's a bummer, you know? And also it would take me too long to realize what had happened. I'd be like, did everyone become clothes?

What's going on here? Why is everyone a jacket? Coming out of like a toilet at like a shopping center or whatever and being like, where's all these nude people what is going on i gotta figure out what's happening here and then maybe the implication is maybe based on the circles that you run and maybe no one's affected it's like you don't notice for years they're like oh i think all the all the people in this in this city way down the road disappeared, but here. Yeah, everything seems pretty normal. Yeah, and that would suck shit to find out later and be like, oh, man, no one even told me.

God damn, none of us went anywhere. There were so many free clothes up for grabs, and I got none of it. Yeah. So plumbing the Death Star all of a sudden is all just like yeah all my housemates moved out but i'm still here yeah i'm still around for some reason it's us and the rest of the pieces of shit that's true theoretically if it works the way that it should uh yeah the average person would be meaner yeah exactly yeah which is Yeah. Which is such a bummer.

Just a little bit less pleasant. Yeah. Everybody's so surly now. What happened? Everyone now has definitive proof that they're not going to the kingdom of God. Yeah. Damn. That's a bummer.

Well, with the rapture, do you go to hell as well as people going up or some people going down? How does it work? There's like a million different... The reason I know any of these things, by the way, this is just a weird... Because we're talking about this so much. I was a music director at a church right before I got my current job. So I know a lot of this stuff. Yeah.

So surprise. Gotcha. But one of the things is... Well, one of the main things is that mainstream evangelicalism doesn't actually believe in this anymore or they shouldn't it's just crazy americans but um there's like so many different interpretations of it one of them is uh you would get a certain amount of time to like so you already know that heaven exists and you get like time to to you get you get on the second wave all right so the thing that might suck is like oh my god now i know that it's real yeah press is on yeah i need to change what i've been doing and i don't know what yeah yeah like

what like we have a we have a database or a list of like so all these people went and got raptured and you know how they live their life so we think I have a good theory of they did these things a lot of them didn't eat dairy we think that might be it the people that would know would not be there to tell you how to do it

all of humanity being like what the fuck do we do it's all the dickheads who weren't worried about it oh my god I should have studied it's like all the people that showed up't worried about it. Like, oh my god, I should have studied. It's like all the people that showed up to the test, but didn't know that they had a test that day. Oh my god. Oh wait, all the data security and all that going on

currently, they'd be very useful now. That's true. Because then we could mine their Facebook page, their Instagram page, just hope to Christ that everything was not private. But the problem for us, is that the people that are capable of doing that mining aren't going to share their information because it's all the pieces of shit that remain. So we'll never know. I think my first step would be stop jerking off straight away.

No more masturbating because I think that would help. Start smoking. Start smoking. Yeah. I might take it would help. I might start smoking. Start smoking. Yeah. I might take it up again. I don't know why. That was my first instinct. I don't know if it would help, but it might help me.

I'll stop masturbating and then after a time just start it again, but harder. If that doesn't work. Yeah, try and even it out. Yeah, go in the opposite direction. Is this helping? No. I like the idea that in a cave or something we find a picture of jesus christ smoking and zamit's like i knew it there it is

yeah the second wave comes zamit goes up he's the only one what did you do different i smoked more darian mouth yeah fine right cunt off you go drops it the little like cigarette butt lands on my head my hair catches fire it's also yeah because if we find out so rapture happens all the good people gone whatever the bad the pieces of shit left on earth all realize heaven's real and realize they have to be better but that means it becomes a competition with other pieces of shit left on earth all realize heaven's real and realize they have to be better but that means it becomes a competition with other pieces of shit so you try and do something like an act of kindness and people like no fuck you and you're like oh no it wasn't kind anymore right it's a it's an impossible scenario it's a catch-22 it's just yeah there's no getting everything you do

yeah you might as well be altruistic but not tell anybody which is none of us can do that proper yeah well i'm i'm certainly not capable i'm exactly bragging yeah i know hey guess who's going to you have no idea how hard i was masturbating recently i'm definitely going jackson you've become very confused i'm very relaxed though I will say that much I feel good I feel like I'm a shoe-in for Rapture and if not, I feel great I've lived life to my fullest potential

at least I can say that I do feel like the positive that could come from that is everybody's nice for a little while and then everybody gives up at the same time and you could just hang out yeah no it's just this is just gonna be how it is is there a third fourth and fifth wave as well like does it happen like a tiered system or is it just like there's the first one then there's a second and that's it so if you don't i think there's that lovely in between period between the first and the second wave where everyone is real good.

But then after that, no, it's going to suck. Well, we didn't get enough on the second one. I was really hoping for more of you. So we're going to extend the deadline a little bit. Opening up some spaces. Yes. I'm going to masturbate even harder. Yes.

Yes, we've had a lot of that sentiment. I don't know where you guys got this idea that that's what was required nowhere did we say anything to that effect and then eventually the devil turns up right or the antichrist and they're like judgment everyone who's left different thing i'm pretty sure well it it's it uh i think uh depending on who you ask it i think they're supposed to come before i think it could be either it's kind of just whatever you decided this is actually a very I think, depending on who you ask, I think they're supposed to come before? I think it could be either. It's kind of just whatever you decided.

This is actually a very recent thing. It's like from the 1800s. Somebody was like, I think we're going to get raptured. And people were like, yeah, maybe. Oh my gosh. Okay. Isn't there like trumpets and some seven-headed dragon? There's a lot of crazy stuff, there's our there's people that think like

anyway it's i took a whole class on it once and it didn't really clear things up i really like that the vibe like that it's invented so recently it just gives me this idea of people being like but how will we get to heaven and they're like well you'll just you'll just you'll just arrive there and they're like no i can't envision that i would need to physically go and then i understand so we like float up yeah well you wouldn't have to no but and i couldn't bring my clothes obviously why not and smoking obviously i'm nude cigarette in mouth if i if i put a small handkerchief in my mouth while I was being taken up,

can I use that handkerchief in heaven? No, because if you kept that handkerchief in your mouth it would act like a magnet because it wants to stay on Earth. So you'd just be face on the ground legs dangling up. I assume it's going to be like the Terminator where if you wrap it in living tissue

you could put a $10 bill in your mouth and have the only money in heaven. That's huge. Richest man in heaven, baby. They're like, oh, we all brought like pearls and stuff. Ah. That was a hunk of gold. Slamming a tenner down at St. Peter's desk

being like give it a good happen looking for a vending machine well if Judgment Day happens as the rapture happens that means Jesus Christ is on earth again everyone raptured which means you have the opportunity to look Jesus in the eyes after you

realize you haven't been one of the good ones and be like, oh, what? Why not? He just sadly stares at you and shakes his head. He's just like, why do you think? You know what you did.

Yeah. I get it. Is it because I didn't smoke? No. All right. What? Jesus, why? He's like, cunt, why do you think? Are you serious?

Not in a thousand years. You're not even going to make it into the second wave. Don't even try. Also, don't tell my dad I said cunt. Aren't you your own dad? Yeah, it's a whole thing. and now a quick word from our sponsors also plumbing the death star is a garbage fire of a podcast that you for some reason love but did you know we produce at least eight other podcasts like maybe you wish the plumbing boys

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That sucks. It's uncool. Yeah, yeah, please. We're going to make that segue now. So here's the segue. Here it is. The segue is that in this scenario, you guys are all still hanging out, at least on some level, whether you're pounding it or smoking cigarettes. It's still kind of fun.

My apocalyptic scenario that would suck suck all the shit is is very similar to what we have now which it comes at night which is basically a uh a disease comes and it kills people but you don't know who has it you don't really understand what it does and it forces everybody to mistrust each other and stay very isolated and clearly there's no government response i didn't mean to make this a covet thing or at least i wasn't originally thinking that we're already living this right i mean it freaking sucks because you can't be with people that's the worst part of the whole it's not even what it does to you although dying is is sad it's i've heard it's bad yeah

well it's only bad for a bit. Then you're either in heaven or nowhere. Up or down, you know? One of those two. But it's the limbo and it's the who do we trust and your dog runs away and you're like, maybe it's gonna eat me now or

I don't really remember exactly what happened. What happens when you get sick with the it comes it comes at night disease what do we what do they turn into a sad shitty zombie i think so you're just sick but not hungry i think because does it give you depression yeah grandpa's sad now that's a shame well i feel like either way you get depression i think it's the difference between that and a zombie scenario is it's much easier to tell who the zombie who has it that's true and a zombie scenario you're like well or even like in a book of eli where they can like see if you're handshaking they're like well he's a cannibal but in this it's like who knows it

doesn't yeah you never seem to be i don't want to be the guy in the zombie apocalypse who thinks he's clever pointing out the zombies those guys they've been bit i reckon shut up jackson yeah i reckon they've been bit you think you reckon reckon if they bite me dude i reckon if they bite me i'll become one that's I think. I should write this down. Make a survival guide. Don't get bitten and then just question mark, question mark. That's it. That's my zombie survival guide. I don't know what else to do.

I feel like the big problem is, especially in that movie, it really depends on who you're with at the time of it. Where the husband and wife, whatever. They like each other. The kid is all horned up and he doesn't know what to do with himself and you know we're not we're not post-rapture yet where masturbating extra is a good thing yeah yeah yeah right now you gotta you gotta yeah you gotta hands off even it out you gotta wipe your hands yeah what would be bad about this is that I know, so say,

I was in the company I keep, you know, i.e. Plumbing the Death Star, that immediately the moment on the news they're like, hey, there's an illness, you don't know who's infected, I'm getting a rock to the back of the head and buried out the back. Right. And then the Joels will look at each other and be like, that was the right decision, yeah? Yeah.

Like, he was getting bitey, yeah? It makes you bitey, yeah? You both know that if I was bit, I wouldn't tell you. So you're like, it's just like the clever thing to do. And not because I believe I'm immune, I'm just, you know, selfish. You're selfish, but the thing is, though, like the problem here

with us is that we do think we're immune. So you might be in your best interest to brains us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackson's not strong enough to pick up a rock. I like the idea of, uh, burying Jackson and one of us is like, hmm, this sucks shit. And the other one's like, no, it doesn't. Pretty fucking good. This is fine.

Hey, it was very loud. Yeah, I feel like it's that thing where they would kill, like, a lot of, like, 95% of the deaths would just be people stabbing each other thinking that they had it. And because, at least in this particular instance, it never ends, so you can never trust anybody. So it'll just slowly be people whittling each other down. It could have ended, like, 30 years ago, but nobody would know, and they would still be just sniping each other on side or whatever. It would be kind of like, you know like when in the shark's womb how the sharks all the baby sharks all eat each other till there's one really

strong shark. That would be what would happen for humanity. We just have one really strong person left who survived it all. He's like eight feet tall. I'm imagining a sort of like, I don't know why, but Andre the giant is who I keep picturing.

That's, I guess who I think is humanity's best is Andre. Like if aliens landed. I have some bad news for you. It's about Andre. What are we going to do when the aliens come? Who are we going to give them? That was my whole strategy

for the end of the world. Send Andre in. He'll take care of them. His hand is as big as a Coke can. Shit. A Coke can? That's not that big. I can hold a Coke can. Can you not?

Bigger than, I guess. He can hold a Coke can in the palm of his hand. That's just the beginning of his abilities. It scales up from there. Are you impressed, Jackson? I'm holding a coffee cup in my palm. No! A Coke can isn't that big.

A Coke can's smaller than a coffee cup. Wow. You know how everybody drinks from soda cans with two hands? Because they're so large. Just all the commercials. You need that grip. Both hands pulling the tab open. A delicious, refreshing drink of Coke.

So Andre the Giant, he can do it one-handed. He's powerful. That's why he was the best of us, yeah. Yeah, he was. That's why he was in no coke commercials because he'd look he'd make it look dumb it'd be false advertising it's silly it's silly it's true so with this particular disease can the dead pass it on can animals pass it on yeah good question yeah they set him on fire so i i assume they're at least afraid of it but they like take him out

in the woods while they're wearing hazmat suits and they burn them. And the dog apparently can maybe do it too. That's the thing, they also just don't know. It's this uncertainty. I mean, I don't even actually know if we learn if anybody in the movie gets it or does the son get it?

Is it just depression? Is everyone being like, fuck, we're getting depressed everyone isolate yeah man everyone's still depressed where they're doing an activity that makes them sad probably got the illness we should just kill him yeah let's hit him with a rock yeah maybe killing my son will make me happier yeah um well just made me sad well maybe you got the disease i'd hate to spoil this movie that i have seen but vaguely remember but really liked and other people watched and hated because it was just mostly moody and less scary yeah uh their son gets shot accidentally and then they both

have the infection maybe as the movie ends and they're just sitting at the kitchen table being like we're about to die and the movie ends and everyone they're just sitting at the kitchen table being like, we're about to die. And everyone's like, what does it mean? It's like, well, means they fucked up. But I think if,

if any apocalypse sucks shit, it's one where the symptom of the apocalypse is life sucking shit. Like, like every single person who gets the illness is like, damn, this sucks shit. Like that's, that is the illness. It's damn, this sucks shit. Like, that is the illness.

It's just baked in. Yeah. Yeah. It's part of the design is that it sucks shit. All of our other ones, it had to be like a specific, you know, scenario within. Aspect of life. And that's the problem with humanity, really, is that we're very adaptable. So, yeah, it'll suck shit, but then we're like, ah, I'm used to it.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fine now. I'm drinking my own piss. I've got to kill this camel. Yeah, exactly. It was a good thing in all of ours, the pissy breath, you know, explaining to Noah's daughters that you're a Bigfoot or whatever. The doubling to even tripling of the amount of masturbating I do.

Right, right right but within it comes at night it just sucks shit from beginning to end there's no silver lining and all of our look against all odds which is very strange considering the episode we've done our apocalypses all can link to each other so maybe all of them happened in order and that sucks shit there was a flood that resulted in water world that dried out god was like i still hate these people rapture time and then the people left after the rapture then had to get a disease yeah make that movie hollywood yeah at the end of the day i guess it all just sucks shit it comes at night two slash Waterworld 2. You will not believe

this movie. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel. I've been Jordan. And where can we find you, Jordan? YouTube cracked. Just search for cracked. That's me on that.

I also have a Twitter. It's my name. That's me on that. Yeah. I also have a Twitter. It's my name. There you go. Easy. Bam. All business. I like that. That's good.

No fussing around. Yeah. Head to www.youtube.com. So put your cursor over that search bar. Click once. Type in cracked. There it is. You know what it is.

You know what it is. You know what it is. Don't lie. This is a random thought, but I was once at a gas station, and a man came up to me and said, do you want to buy my mixtape? I'm a professional wrestler. And I said, of course I would like to buy your mixtape, rapper slash professional wrestler. And one of his songs explained how to get to his YouTube channel.

It was like, go to Y-O-U-T-U-B-E dot com and type one man crew in the search bar. That's amazing. It was great. I need to do a similar thing, I guess, is what I'm saying. I need to explain it more fully through song and dance and rap and professional wrestling. Did you go to the rapper slash wrestlerlers youtube channel i did um i guess worked i was like i heard it and then i remembered it i was like i think i know how to work this youtube now um i need to go see if he's still there but yeah all of his music videos are him

you know in the booth rapping about you know horrible things that he does to women, but then in our cut with horrible things he does to other wrestlers. Just pounding, you know, 24-7, as it were. Yeah. That's heck. I haven't thought about him in a long time. I'm really glad that he's about to be gone. Hope he's well. And you find his channel by going to YouTube.com And you search for

One man crew K-R-U And I'm going to do it right now Because I'm just curious I'm there too He's got one as of one year ago One month ago He's still at it

He's still going He's got an Instagram as well He's still at it. He's still going. That rolls. He's got an Instagram as well. He's doing well. There's a music video of him with blood all over his face. Maybe we get him on the show. What are you writing? Just stop at a bunch of gas stations in the state of Virginia, and maybe you'll find him. That's the best way to find guests.

I hear legend tells it that he haunts the roadways of this fine state. Wrestling and rapping in equal measure. Well, this is the best plug anyone's ever done, and no one's ever going to top it. I know, but I'm plugging somebody else entirely, and nobody's going to remember anything about what I said about my own stuff. That's funny. You know that guy that was talking about that one-man crew?

Can't wait for one-man crew's videos just to get hit with Jordan sent me. He's going to freaking blow up and I'm going to fade into obscurity. It's worth it. People are like, what was it, something about playing burnt games on a cracked PS1 or something? I can't remember.

All I think and breathe and eat and live is one-man crew. Yep. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansradio.com and consider joining the Sandspans Plus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a Sans Pants Plus Discord, exclusive video content, and discounts on merch.

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