Plumbing the Death Star - Which Avengers Would Make the Best Friend? (Feat. The Video Shop Podcast)

Episode Date: January 17, 2016

In which our heroes invite Thor around for drinks, Netflix and Chill with Tony Stark and consider going bowling with the Hulk as we discuss which of the Avengers would be the best friend. We lay down some ground rules for what makes a good friend, talk about jumping on grenades and decide that the best friend is one who always matches your mood. Jackson ignores the rules of the game, Zammit is an awful friend to Hawkeye, Sam becomes the Zammit of friends and Cal just wants to detail his plan to get an Iron Man suit. So join the gang as they crash the Avengers Mansion to hang out with their brand new bestie before being escorted from the premises for being a bad influence on Captain America.Want to watch some old movies with Captain America? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can hear about how Casablanca is the best film ever. Left alone at the bar by Tony Stark? Do us a favour and go to http://www.geekfuel.com/sanspants and sign up to go to Captain America's party instead.In Melbourne on the 18th of February? Come see us live at the Eureka Hotel in Richmond. Doors open at 6:30, we start talking at 7!And don’t forget to check out the Winterhill series by Iain Martin available at all good amazon.com stores or check out his website at http://www.iainmartinbooks.co.uk Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hawkeye. Hawkeye, no! No, he'd be a great friend. He's a charming individual. He's a charming individual. He knows he's useless. Yeah, that's true. So I think he'd try extra hard to impress me.

Oh, gross, gross. Nobody wants a friend like that. Nobody wants a friend that is, like, sucking your dick all the time. Are we talking friend or best friend? We should probably make that distinction. I think friend is fine. I think he'd be a pretty good friend. The thing about Hawkeye is you don't want somebody who's better than you.

So you can feel confident in your own self-ness. Don't get me wrong. Hawkeye's trash. But he's better than you, Zabit. Absolutely. But my confidence is sky high. It's probably higher than Hawkeye's. Chances are you think you're better than Hawkeye thinks he is.

Not even chance. That's a fact. I do. Hawkeye kind of hates himself. And that's okay. It's because he's the small fish with a lot of bigger fishes. That's true. If you're the big fish with a lot of smaller fishes,

you jump into the bigger pond. You're suddenly the teeniest fish in there. That's a stress because how often are you hanging out with Hawkeye? What are your friend dates like? Let's see. We're going to the bar. I'm guessing we're drinking, playing Xbox, going to see movies. Okay, well, Black Widow's there.

Why? Because they're good buddies. No, it's going to be Hawkeye's wife. Yeah, his wife and his kids. You're going to have to go and see kids' movies and stuff. Oh, that'd be great. No, I'm good with kids. They're fine times.

That'd be good. I go on couple dates, me and him, Hawkeye and his wife. Yeah, but Hawkeye's Kind of he's a busy guy Like how often Are you going to see him But we're friends I mean I'm assuming He's got time for friends

He barely has time For his wife I was going to say He's got a secret family Off living on a farm Somewhere that not even The government knows about Is he going to give you

A secret farm Yeah I'm going to be like Secret best buds Of neighbours Am I a farmer now Yes I feel like he's going to

Make you live with his wife if he likes you enough. Constantly chopping wood. Yeah, I was going to say, bang Hawkeye's wife. How funny. He's not going to know. Hawkeye is the easiest person to cheat on. He might be a good friend, but I might not be.

You accidentally knock her up, and then one of Hawkeye's kids is just terrible at archery. Like, Hawkeye, you've got to... It's not like me. What's that about? Anyway, have fun off the Avengers. Good times. Here's a question. kids is just terrible at archery. Like Hawkeye, you've got to get yourself. What's that about? Anyway, have fun off the Avengers. Good times. Here's a question. I like that we're already here, but here's a question. Say you fucked Hawkeye's wife. She's pregnant. And Hawkeye

comes back and he's like, oh, you're pregnant. He's going to know that's not his kid. Surely. I mean, unless you make it coincide, chances are. How long is he away? What are his stints like? Seems like a while. From the kind of greeting he gets, the reception he gets when he gets home, it seems like he's gone a while.

Would Hawkeye say anything is what I want to know. It's a miracle. He's gone for at least three movies worth of time. Yeah, exactly, which is like years. So what you're saying is if we're going to impregnate Hawkeye's wife, what we need to do is time it right. Yeah, exactly. But I kind of think Hawkeye's wife What we need to do is time it right Yeah exactly But I kind of think Hawkeye's the guy who might just not say anything

He might just be like oh okay You know those army husbands That's like I've been gone away for like 11 months And my wife is 5 months pregnant It's a miracle we're having a baby That's going to be Hawkeye So you're an awful front But I guess he's a good friend to you if he's not

The question wasn't Which Avenger would I be a good friend to It's which Avenger would be a good friend to me Because he's so useless though I feel like he'd always just let you down He'd just be constantly letting you That's a very good point What do you need from Hawkeye

I'm your friend And I do nothing. I was going to be like I'm your friend. Why are you hanging out with Hawkeye? What about me? I'm so jealous. This isn't fair. I think the problem with Hawkeye is that

you're never going to see him because he's going to be busy and when you do he's going to be distracted thinking about other things. Plus Hawkeye's problems like infinitely more well they're more however gravity to them than your problems however he had by the end of the avengers age of ultron yes he has retired that's true that's kind of given up on so i'm guessing he's gonna like a lot of time for his farm his kids his wife and his new best friend, collectively us. Yeah, true. That's right.

We're all hanging out with him. So we probably should establish what makes a good friend a good friend. What are the qualities? Loyalty. I'm going to just, that was the first one that came to mind. Loyalty. A good friend to me is someone that we don't have to see for like maybe six months. And you can still meet up and have a great time.

And not just that. I could be at my home in in my boxes and dressing gown, and they just come in, and I'm watching cartoons, and they make themselves a bowl of cereal, and watch cartoons with me, and then get up and leave after six hours. That's me as a very good friend. I would hate that.

That would, oh, I would be so mad. Really? That's like my ideal friend. I don't want people coming to my house without calling first. I want days notice, preferably. Depends on if Hawkeye's happy for me to be like, hey, Hawkeye, fuck off. If he can be like, yeah, sorry, man, and leave, I'm okay. Exactly.

I think Hawkeye would get really hurt by that, and I also feel like he would come into your house, stand awkwardly next to your couch while you watch cartoons, and just kind of look at you. Oh, he'd want to be invited. He'd be like, it's fine, I'll sit down, Hawkeye. It's okay, it's okay. Hawkeye's also the kind of guy that you're like, I feel like he's not going you watch cartoons and just kind of look at you oh he'd want to be invited he'd be like it's fine i sit down hawkeye it's okay it's okay yeah hawkeye's also the kind of guy that you're like i feel like he's not going to watch cartoons for like six hours i feel like he's going to watch it for like half an hour i'll be like anyway what do you want to do today

oh that's when you'd be like oh just this and he's like oh okay those people and then like after a while he'll be like do you go to the beach and you'll be like no actually hawkeye i just i just want to sit here and he's like okay i want to go to the beach although he does he's very cut and i'm kind of pudgy i don I want to go to the beach. Although he's very cut and I'm kind of pudgy. I don't want to go to the beach with Hawkeye. No, you don't. You don't want to go to the beach with any of the Avengers. But then again, my confidence levels is sky high, so maybe I do.

But also the kind of girls that Hawkeye is going to be pulling are going to have some pretty alright friends. Exactly, and also Hawkeye's married. Yep. He'd be a good wingman. You are there to catch that handball every time. I don't know. Loyalty? good wingman You are there to catch that handball Every time I don't know Loyalty, good wingman

I feel like he wouldn't do that for you I feel like he wouldn't be that kind of guy I feel like I'm married Don't talk to my friend Like his friends, I can imagine him doing it for Black Widow I can see that happening, I can see Hawkeye Wanting to make that happen And Cap

I reckon Hawkeye would be the best wingman because, as we've said, he's pretty shit. So, yeah, he'd be coming and be going all right. And then he'd be like, oh, so you're an archer? He's like, yeah. Have you met my good mate Zamet? He does a podcast and he plays Xbox like a champ. And yeah, dude. I feel like you were right, though, when you said that he'd be quite emotionally fragile.

Yeah. I feel like you were right though when you said that he'd be quite emotionally fragile I feel like he super would I feel like if he was like do you want to hang out And you were like no You might be like hours of no response on Facebook And then like a K And you're like I gotta sort that out with Hawkeye I gotta call him up and be like

Hey Hawkeye is something wrong And he's like no no You know Let's have this conversation because I can't be fucked with this Hawkeye You'd hurt his feelings all the time. He would be in constant tears. But I don't think Hawkeye would be particularly needy either. You'd be trying to get in contact with Hawkeye to hang out with him.

He's busy. He's doing other stuff. Not once he's retired. Once he's retired, I reckon he's going to be needy as fuck. Yeah. Like, I don't know. He's just going to be just one of those guys. It's just going to be a hassle every fucking time.

You're going to have to take time to be like, no, look, Hawkeye, it's fine. Don't like, it's not a big deal. Look, we can hang out when it wouldn't. He's going to be the kind of guy who's like, hey, do you want to hang out today? And you're like, no, I'm busy. And then like, like an hour later, you're going to get a thing being like, do you hate me? And you're going to be like, I don't hate you, Hawkeye. And he's like, I just, you know, I have shit because I was so crap in the Avengers.

And I kind of like, I just feel like everybody thinks they're better than me. And you're like, no, my fucking my fucking that's exactly what he would be like shut up i just feel like i'm not connecting to my kids like oh my god one of them's mine that's why fuck you i asked my son what he wanted to be when he grow up he said captain america i'm just not feeling well, man. Is it okay if I come around and talk? That's true. The amount of like talks,

the amount of times Hawkeye's like, hey, I'm not feeling great. Can we go see a movie? And then it's going to be like hours and hours of him being like, these are my issues. Oh, you're going to go watch, like, I don't know, fucking Gravity or the latest Matthew McConaughey film.

It's going to be great times. Then you're going to be out in the car park And then it's gonna be an hour of just bullshit Like look I'm hungry let's go get a kebab Then you go get a kebab and he follows you And it's gonna be like this problem Like look that's cool look I'm just gonna have a kebab Do you want one? He's like yeah

And then you're gonna have sad kebab times Jesus Christ Hawkeye cheer up Stop ruining my kebabs with your tears Wow Funny Christ Hawkeye, cheer up. I mean, fucking hell, douchebag. I mean, Hawkeye. Wow. Funny. Oh, wow. He's also not paying attention, so he doesn't know.

Exactly. This is for him later. But it's true. Hawkeye is going to be like a whiny little piece of shit, and you're just going to be eventually. But imagine, again, bad friend for Zamet. Imagine just being at a time where you've had enough of Hawkeye, and like, Hawkeye, I fucked your wife.

Like maybe Hawkeye is just bitching at you. He's like, do you hate me? And you're like, yeah, and I fucked your wife. So long. It's been real. Then he could just snipe your ass from anywhere. And that's the problem. He would do that.

Yeah, he would catty like that. It's not going to be like Bruce Banner Who literally just turns you to soup Yeah he'd be like no one would know No one would know it was me I think they would Hawkeye I think they fucking would Who else uses a bow and arrow you daft cunt I also imagine like other Avengers coming around And laughing at the two of you

Like if you're at a bar And Tony Stark comes in and pisses off his face And he's like look at the fucking Hawkeye And his faggot little friends. And you're like, please, Christ. And Hawkeye's like, please, oh my God, Tony. Please don't ruin my night. It's like, hey, it's that guy that doesn't have any superpowers.

And his friends. Oh, you're going to start the fucking Chitauri with your bow and arrow? Hawkeye? And then Hawkeye's going to be crying. I took down the Helicarrier. How powerful. It's the, yeah, by association, the kind of like,

you're going to be that lower popular. Tony Stark will walk in, he'll be like, ah, that useless, powerless twat, and Hawkeye. All right, so Hawkeye, not great. Hawkeye's like a, you know, he's like a three out of ten. He's a good three out of ten. All right, who's next? Who are we going to choose?

Who's next? I think Captain America would be the best friend. Really? Easily. Captain America's morals, he's got like such a high standard. I'm like, Captain America, Steve, let's go out and get fucked. I've got some primo speed. He's going to give me such a fucking lecture.

Oh, no. You're going to have to explain everything to him. He's going to be like, what's this? You're like, you know what a telephone is. Right? That's why it's so good. Think about all the movies you're going to get to watch

with Captain America for the first time. That is true. You get to show him all this new shit. You get to be the one that blows his mind. Yeah, but he's going to be like,

nah, Casablanca's great. And I'm going to be like, watch these movies. He's going to be like, no, I really don't want to. And then I'm going to have to explain the war. Like, yeah, we dropped a bomb. The amount of stuff that's going to be the problem with Captain America. He's going to be like, what's this about? then I'm going to have to explain the war. Like, yeah, we dropped a bomb.

The amount of stuff, that's going to be the problem with Captain America. He's going to be like, what's this about? Then you're going to have to be like, oh, this is just a tragedy of the modern time. And he's going to be like, wow. Like, hanging out with Captain America is going to be a sad affair. But unlike Hawkeye, he's always going to have your back. That's true. He's very loyal.

He's going to be 100% the most loyal guy. Speaking of wingman, and America. His morals will have pros and cons. Like, you know, you get some guys picking on you, you get a bunch of bullies in the street, Captain America just...

Slamming them with his shield. One arm, like, out, and all five of them get knocked down. Exactly. Think of the cops being like, what happened here? Superhero just beat up some thugs and bullies. You're like, okay, shield death, that's another

shield death. This is happening far too frequently. Captain America may be like, it's a conflict resolution. Don't use your fucking shield all the time. Not to mention, he would, like Hawkeye, as far as wingman go, Captain America would be even a better wingman.

Because he would put you first. Yeah, he would. And Captain America, and he's jumping on grenades for you. Somebody comes up and you're like, I'm super not into them. Captain America's like, I got them.

I got them. He will take that grenade of a person for you. And that's pretty good. Absolutely. And yeah. And I forgot what else I was going to say. But yeah. I feel like these

are traits that all the Avengers would kind of have in this film Tony Stark would not Tony Stark's going to fuck your girlfriend Tony Stark's going

to zam at the situation I'd be okay with him fucking my girlfriend as long as he jumped on the grenade for me you see

Captain America you see Iron Man wouldn't jump on the grenade he's like you fucking jump on the grenade he knows that

it's not going to do anything Cap could probably get killed by a grenade Iron Man wouldn't jump on the grenade. He's like, you fucking jump on the grenade. He knows that it's not going to do anything. Cap could probably get killed by a grenade. Iron Man, I'd want to punch him in the face. He's got a punchable face. But if we're on a good best friend activity, kick to kick, kick to footy, Hawkeye's not going to want to do that

because plus you're going to have to deal with his kids. You're going to be playing marks up with the kids. Cap Narc is going to kick the ball and it's going to explode on his foot. But I think it'd be great fun. I could like throw in the pigskin around. Yeah, that'd be great.

No, but you can stand. I mixed up my footballs, deal with it. You can stand like a field away. And you're like, he'll throw it all the way and you'll be like,

great, send the next one. Oh, that'd be so much fun. I feel like a kid with Cap America because he would have, he would sort of have the same sort of morals as either my father or a grandfather would have. Yeah, that's true. But he also, he would have, he would sort of have the same sort of morals as either my father or

a grandfather would have. Yeah, that's true. But he also, he'd have this childlike wonder for everything that you'd get to enjoy. So while you would be explaining stuff, you'd also be explaining stuff going, oh, you're so cute. He'd be like, whoa, that's amazing. You'd be like, I know. Yeah, I know it is good. That's right.

You blow his mind. You pull out your phone and then you bring up a video and he's like, you find angry birds? He's like, this is amazing. And you're like, it's fine you blow his mind. You pull out your phone and then you bring up a video. You find Angry Birds. He's like, this is amazing. And you're like, it's fine. It's fine. You have a person in a box in your pocket. You're like, I know. You idiot.

Ah, you scamp. I think Captain America would be a very, very good friend. He can teach you how to ride motorbikes. Ah, he would. I feel like, though, plus going to the gym with him, it'd be fantastic. Because whilst he would be like look i can like clearly bench press so much more than you he'd be like giving you some tips helping you out he won't he wouldn't want to be better than you he wouldn't want to outclass

you i feel like he'd have these moral standards i could never live up to i feel like if american came over and i'm like lying in my bed with my belly out covered in chips and he's like what the hell is this and i'm like oh it's just it belly covered in chips. And he's like, what the hell is this? And I'm like, it's not a me day. He'd be like, get up, we're going for a run. And I'd be like, no. But sometimes I would want that from a friend. Sometimes, not always.

He would be the kind of friend that helps you, not that supports your problem. I want a supporting problems kind of friend. If he found out that I fucked Hawkeye's wife, I feel like he'd be disappointed in me. He might not forgive that. He'd forgive it. He just wouldn't be impressed. He'd be so disappointed. But he would forgive you ultimately.

Yeah, he would. Because he's Moral's dictator. But see, then there's a stress there because that means Captain America's friends, who are they? They're basically the Avengers, right? And they've got their own problems and Captain America forgives them.

So if you're hanging out with Captain America, you're hanging out with all of the other Avengers. That's the problem with all the Avengers. Well, no, nobody else likes Hawkeye. And Tony Stark tends to keep to himself, but who else has Captain America got? He's only buddies. Who? They're all old.

You're just kicking it at a retirement home talking about the war. The Falcon's pretty cool. He's fine. He's a cool guy. You can hang out with black widow and and and he's and he's always got access to the stark tower like you're unlike hawkeye being associated with cap is not going to put you in a bad yeah that's true tony stark isn't going to come up and hassle your grapes yeah because cap will stand up you'll be like sit the fuck down tony

that's true that's true get the drum with enough time I reckon I could corrupt Captain America Yeah Yeah Captain America's got like Again he's got that childlike wonder You can convince him What are you doing? Just smoke it It's fine

It's cool He's like no I'll get addicted You're like that's not how it works That's not how it works Captain America Come on We've made these scientific breakthroughs It's fine It gives you muscle toning

You have to like actually look up Like the legislation To be like it's legal now. It's medicinal, Cap. It's fine. You could have a really interesting philosophical conversation with Cap where you're just like, look, there is no real right or wrong. We've just invented all of this stuff,

so really it doesn't matter that I fuck Torquay. Exactly. And it could be like, look, you thought the American government was fucking primo gray, but really it was all just infiltrated by Hydra. It's all scum. Just get high with me. Come on, Cap.

I don't want to give Captain America any moral crises. I don't want to be having a conversation, just a stoned conversation with me like, man. Maybe I'm the bad friend. The government. Which plumbing the Death Star cast member is the worst friend? Isn't me. It's getting very introspective. I don't like it.

So Captain America is pretty good. Yeah, he's like a seven. Seven? That's such a wishy-washy number. Oh yeah, like a seven. I don't want to insult you. I don't want to tell you it's terrible, but I don't want to give him

too much credit. You're certainly not a ten. That's what I'm trying to say. I just don't want to give him it's terrible but I don't want to give him too much credit you're certainly not a 10 is what I'm trying to say I just don't want to give him a 10 until we get everyone else I don't want to shit my load a bit too quickly because he's our second love I mean we've got Hawkeye clearly a 3 maybe a 2

but his wife bumps him to a 3 exactly so we're gonna go I reckon clearly worse than Cap we've got Iron Man yeah straight up

he seems like the worst one in general but at the same time being able to like break anything and have him be able to fix it would be handy that's true i was imagining like grabbing clock radios and smashing them be like fix it for me i feel but tony stark is the zammer to friends like he's a one like he's he's not loyal he hasn't got he'd fuck your wife t Tony Stark would absolutely fuck my wife And you'd throw that clock on the ground He'd be like, fuck you, clean up my floor I'd be like, oh god, I'm so sorry

Jesus, I'm sorry Don't throw me out your window Point that glove at me He's like the opposite of a good wingman He'd be like, look, I've got these people He'd be like, sweet, go away, they're mine now Yeah, he'd be like, dibs on both Tony, I don't think that's how it works like, sweet, go away. You're mine now. Yeah, he'd be like, dibs on both.

Tony, I don't think that's how it works. I think he's pretty keen on Pepper at this point. I don't think he's really out there looking for more people. I think it might not even like, it might just be to humiliate you. Yeah, true. Or absolutely. When he would do that. If I pissed him off, he would totally make me look like the biggest jerk in front of the entire world somehow. I can imagine him stripping me naked and just like hurling me into the street.

And being like, that was funny, wasn't it? And I'm like, no, Tony. Because I don't think you'd have to piss him off. I think he him stripping me naked and just like hurling me into the street and being like that was funny wasn't it? And I'm like no Tony. Because I don't think you'd have to piss him off. I think he'd just do it for a laugh. Yeah. I think he'd be like no good. Because he'd be the thing

that's like yeah going out for a couple quiet ones he'd be like come on let's try and help me you've got pepper it'd be great. He's like okay cool.

He'd have a chat with this group of like girls, men, whatever in this universe who cares? Yeah. And then it's like I'd probably be like

nah this embarrassing secret yeah he'd just like throw me under the bus oh my god yeah and then he'd just have them all in the palm of his hands

and then at the end he'd be like okay you've all been great I'm gonna come to pepper no one would win but him and that's a no exactly no one

he'd leave in his car and leave you at the bar stranded and you'd be like why am I friends with this guy yeah he's the guy you this guy what am I doing fucking Stark exactly

god damn you piece of shit god damn Tony Stark should have gone to Cap's party instead he's gonna try to improve my life and I'm gonna be

trapped in my own house with like technology trying to kill me oh I know Jarvis is gonna be there the vision's not gonna round without even asking

he's gonna be boring isn't he yeah I'll be like I'm looking upgrading my studio. Oh, I got this. I got this.

And then he's going to Ultron my house. Tony Stark will get you killed. Now I'm just stuck in my fucking basement with like a terror robot trying to kill me. Tony Stark is the worst option. If you did get superpowers, Tony would want you to like register with the government. Oh my God. It's like. Hassle. And he's not even going to register with the government. Oh my god. Hassle. And he's not even going to build me a suit.

You'd think the perk of being a friend with Tony. I would absolutely would I ask. Straight out, would you be like, that's a nice suit. I'd love one. Obviously I'd warm up. Tony Stark's best friend had to steal one. That's my norm

You know what you do? You become friends with Pepper And then it doesn't matter What he thinks of you, you'll get yourself a suit You'll get yourself a suit, but then again You've become this amateur friend You're only friends with Tony Stark In the hopes that he'll provide you with a suit And you get the suit and you're like, anyway

Fuck you Why did our suits make weird noises? That's not a... What? Tony Stark built a fault into it for your one. It works perfectly. It just makes that noise. Like you land like...

Everyone's like, what? I'm still powerful. It's looking just sort of ridiculous. Or like, you know, there's like... I don't even know how to describe it. There's toys that are like a pole and you turn them and they're like, Oh, those bloody things.

Imagine like landing, like that thing he does with his fist on the ground. You're just like, I'm here to solve crimes. And everyone's like, lol. Yeah, so Tony Stark,

worse than Hook, eh? Top zero. Top zero? Negative one. Negative one because he might fuck your wife. Exactly. But Thor, though. We might fuck your wife Exactly Thor though

You're proposing Thor to the table I'm just saying Getting me a ticket to Asgard Sounds like a pretty sweet perk For a friend I think he's only reserved for people who he banged Then I gotta bang Thor I am okay with that man

But you don't remember Odin Even someone Thor had banged Odin was like nah can't have him here Get the bloody hell out Okay well then let's host some awesome Parties on earth and invite some Asgardians Here's always been my issue with Thor

Describe Thor to me without talking about what he looks like Without talking about what he does Okay I was gonna say muscles Give me Thor's personality as a person Give me like three words without talking about what he looks like, without talking about what he does. Okay, I was going to say muscles. Yeah, give me Thor's personality as a person. Give me like three words to describe it. Lightning. He's a dynamite.

He's got a big hammer. I would say arrogant. He's arrogant for like one scene in the first Thor movie. In the second Thor movie, he's just there. He's proud. When is he proud? Give me an example in any of them where he is more prideful than the average man. He's kind of arrogant. He's like,

hey, try picking up the hammer. But then Cap almost does it and he shits himself. So your ultimate friend is like slightly arrogant, a bit rude. I think it's one of those situations where you know where you stand. I know that I'm not Thor, but also I know stuff that Thor doesn't know. It's a bit like the Captain America kind of dynamic.

You see, Cap would watch Star Wars and go, this is awesome. Thor would watch Star Wars and go, this is fucking shit. I don't see why they don't just hit him with a hammer. Thor is going to go watching Star Wars and he leans across and he fucking shit. I don't see why they don't just hit him with a hammer. Thor's going to go, you want to take Star Wars? And he leans across and he's like, which one is Luke? And you're like, I've explained to you. Is he the

blonde child? He would just ruin everything. He would lean over like, I could take Darth Vader with my hammer. And you're like, I honestly don't care. My hammer could defeat a lightsaber. Thor, do you want to be quiet and just watch the movie? You know what I would do?

I'd flap to the Death Star and just break it with my hammer. I'd like to have that discussion. I'd pause it and I'd be like, no, he'd force choke you to death, Thor. And then Thor. What are you going to do about that? I would hit him with my hammer. No, Thor. Thor's going to get so mad at you and be like,

well, why do I even come round? Hammer my TV. Hammer the TV in half and leave. And you're going to be like, Jesus Christ. They stole that lightning thing from me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spit his hair out and go right through your roof. Away.

Or he's going to be like, that's not how space works. And you're going to be like, stop poking holes. Just enjoy the movie. Because he'd put your hammer on, he's put his hammer on your foot. Exactly. To me, Thor is like your older brother who kind of picks on you a lot.

He's just going to be like, hey, hey, try and lift this. And he's going to put the hammer on your chest. Hanging out with like the Avengers seems like hanging out with your older brother's friends. You know, it's like,

it's a bit, you're a bit excited because like, oh my God, like these guys are cool. But also like they're picking on you the whole time. They're making fun of you. Because you're not going to have Cap there to stand up for you. Cause Thor won't, he'll just join in. Thor is me. Is there a younger version of the Avengers?

Cause there was like that Spider-Man kind of crew. Young Avengers are a thing. Yeah. But like, they'd still be rude. Plus they're all better than you. That's why I'm proposing. They're going to be even more arrogant

because they're like ten years younger than you but they can kick your ass. But infinitely more powerful. So I reckon Thor or a hot fool. I reckon a four. Like a four?

He's better than Hawkeye. Better than Hawkeye. Oh my God, yes. He won't fuck my wife. No. So he's about a four. I guess I'm proposing someone who's not

technically in the Avengers or in the Avengers at all. I'm proposing Marvel Comics hero Man-Thing. Do you know who Man-Thing is? Look, I'll allow this because he was in the Thunderbolts and that was started by an Avenger. Exactly. So that counts.

Okay. Man-Thing, I don't know if you know, but he's like a giant scientist Ted Salas. He's got a version of the super soldier serum. He's a scientist. Right? And he's like, this is the fucking shit. I'm good for this, right?

But then his wife steals it and gives it to the Colombians. And he's like, crap. And with the amount of serum he's got left, he injects himself, drives into a swamp. The Florida Everglades. The Florida Everglades. And also swamp the florida ever the florida evergrades and also in the marvel universe the nexus of all realities the magic of the swamp and the super soldier serum combine to make him man thing a shumbling mound of swamp with like a

trunk and like little red eyes who can't think got so much empathy. So where does the man come into this scene? Well, he's like a swamp that looks like a man. Get a man and then just put swamp on the man. And then give him an elephant trunk. And give him an elephant trunk, and that's man thing. Why is he a good friend? Why is he a good friend? Because in the comics, his best friend, Rory Richards?

Yeah, Rory Richards, a radioj like is already best friends with man thing he goes into the swamp sometimes and complains that man thing and man thing listens he's a good listener he's so he i forgot about listening as a good quality of a friend man thing he's like he can only feel so if you're bummed out like say you're super sad you go and you sit there you're like man thing i'll just come and you sit there and you're like, man thing will just come up and sit next to you and be like, But the problem there is that man thing doesn't like to feel sad

and he gets confused. So he's like, you're sad or frightened. He's going to be like, ah, I'm frightened and then he's going to try and burn me because everything burns at the touch of man thing. What? He's a swamp. So here's a little thing that Jackson forgot to add.

So when Man-Thing hates fear, and when he's scared, because you're scared, he grabs your face and burns it, because that's a thing he can... It's like an acid grab. I feel like that is a ticking time bomb I don't want to have nearby to me. You don't want to be just sitting there chilling,

and then you're like... Oh, my God. Imagine watching a horror film with Man-Thing. You get spooked. He's going to be like, oh! You're like, oh! Jesus, why did I not see this coming? Why are we not just watching romantic comedies?

Like what if he just gets pissed? And does that, is he going to get- He doesn't burn you, but he will probably wreck your house in an angry rage. He can teleport as well. I'm not sure how that's a good plus. He can take you to every different reality if you want. He's friends with Howard the Duck

and a wizard. Also, he can go to any swamp, including swamps on different lands and earths and planets. You want to travel the swamps? Man, things got you by. I've always wanted to meet Yoda. Yeah, he can take you there. He can go Dag a bow, whatever. But then he'd be scared of Yoda and he'd burn Yoda's face.

He can be anywhere acid-throwing monster. It's awful. He's the best. You bend the rules of what an Avenger is to bring this horrible person to the table when we could have had Spider-Man. But Spider-Man's too busy. Man-Thing, he's not doing anything with his life So what you want is somebody who will literally sit on your couch

And do nothing with you all day And it's fine because Man-Thing doesn't know what's happening ever So it's not like he's getting put out He's just there If he doesn't know what's happening, is he constantly afraid? Of what is happening around him? He's pretty chill Man-Thing is just like a flat zero

and then emotions that people feel rise him up to like, you know, up to 10. So normally he just wanders around the swamp fighting crocodiles. So if you're surrounding yourself with other good friends, then Swamp Thing would be a good friend. Yeah, Man-Thing, well, hey, even if I'm feeling good, Man-Thing's feeling good.

We go for like a happy little lunch or whatever together. Man-Thing always matches my mood. And assuming I always feel good, I'm in luck. That's whatever together Man-Thing always matches my mood And assuming I always feel good I'm in luck Man-Thing's loyal Yeah he is But the problem is When you're feeling down Man-Thing isn't going to bring you up

When I'm sad I just don't invite Man-Thing around Yeah but that's when you kind of need a friend Yeah That's when Rory Richards gets sad all the time And goes and chats to Man-Thing in the swamp Man-Thing doesn't know what's happening But Rory does it But to me that's

You're describing a dog. You're describing a fucking dog. Manthing is the best pet. It's a dog that can burn your face off with acid. It's a dog that, like, if I'm scared, it panics and bites my face, basically, is what I've described. Whereas an actual dog, if you're scared, good dogs

will curl up to you and lick your face and try to, you know, calm you down. Whereas Manthing is going to get scared himself and burn your face. Very rarely in my day-to-day life am I scared. That's true. That's not like me being like, I'm just pretty fucking good.

It's just not often does shit happen to me where I get spooked. So for the most part, I think... But that one time. That one time and your face is gone. One time is all it takes. That's a good point. One time and I'm out of luck

It's not like you're worried about it happening repeatedly And also if I meet up with you guys again And I just have a Man-Thing burn mask on my face You're like oh It happened, did it Jackson? Well we said it would You were warned You were warned

You have only yourself to blame Man-Thing can't die That's good That's a good friend He's going to outlive me You have only yourself to blame. Mentheng can't die. Is that good? That's not a good friend. He's going to outlive me. Do I want to outlive my friends? Hang on. Now we're back to his Zambit voice.

I feel like the only good one... I don't think we've found a good one yet. No, I don't think... Captain America was a seven. Even like the rest of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, you've got Black Widow. I mean, she'd be a pretty good friend. She seems a good friend to Hawkeye.

We've all just assumed that she's just so out of our league, though. I'm not hanging around with you, scum. Oh, Black Widow, rude. Just do some push-ups. Come on, just look after yourself. She's good friends with Hawkeye So her standards are low Exactly We could kick it with Black Widow

It should be fun She'd always be like I kind of wish I was Not I kind of wish I was elsewhere But she's the kind of person That's like I got shit to do Yeah You know

She's busy Very like clip Very kind of like you know What's the word I'm looking for But you know very just like Cut you off But I've got doing stuff Yeah

But she'd always be distant Yeah exactly Like hey Black Widow Do you want to hang out She's like I can come for like two hours Yeah but she'd Always be distant Yeah exactly Like hey Black Widow Do you want to hang out She's like I can come For like two hours She'd never make any Proper connection

Yeah exactly With you Let's see So she's I think she's below Captain America With him got like Banner

Banner would be fine But he has the same Problem as Man-Thing You piss him off once Just once Is all it takes I don't even Have to piss him off

He could stub his toe Yeah He could be watching Like the series He reaches out with his hand Grabs your hand Squishes it like a grape Sitting down

Watching the series finale of Lost He's gonna be like Hulk mad Lost promised a lot And didn't deliver to Hulk And then you're gonna Smash the TV And my couch

And be like Hulk you piece of shit I don't know Who else have we got Nick Fury Nick Fury Nick Fury Nick Fury He's a charming lad

But again He has the Black Widow problem Of he would just never Talk to you about anything And also you kind of Manipulate the situation To benefit him Always

We'd be like Hey you want to go to Pizza Hut? He's like We could But Domino's And then you get there And you'd be like Okay and he's like

I just really want Domino's You get there You find out he has a coupon And you're like Again look So that's why he wanted To go to Domino's He seems like the Xata friend yeah he does seem

like him and tony stark yeah wow also if spider-man's too busy he's absolutely too busy he's got big planes to fly and stuff yeah plus i always feel like i just this is not related to his character or anything i feel like i wouldn't connect with spider-man like i have this feeling that like we wouldn't have anything to talk about. And I don't know why. He'd talk about photography. And I'd be like, oh, yeah. He'd try his bad stand-up on us.

And I hate that. Spider-Man seems like the embarrassing friend. Spider-Man seems like the friend you're going out, say we're all going out to pick up with the Avengers. Spider-Man's there. Spider-Man starts doing a silly dance. He turns up in a black skivvy with his hair all slicked to one side. Starts doing jazz dancing. Exactly, because to Spider-Man or Peter Parker,

that's what he thinks is cool. And Spider-Man's a dork. Exactly. He's just going to embarrass you in front of everyone. Everyone's going to be like, okay. The one advantage is you are absolutely cooler than him. Yes, that's true. That's true.

And he could kick anybody else's ass and he needed him to. Yeah, but I feel like what's going to happen is that Spider-Man's going to be dorky. People are going to be like, dork. He's going to beat the shit out of them. And I'm going to be like, well, Spider-Man tonight was bad. I reckon, who's actually a perfect 10? Luke Cage.

Luke Cage? I know very little about him. Luke Cage would be like the best friend. Like, he's a good friend of Man-Thing. He tries to be like, hey, Man-Thing, be our teleporter. Man-Thing tries to burn Luke Cage, and Luke Cage is invincible. He's like, it's not working. So Man-Thing's like, well,. Man-Thing tries to burn Luke Cage, and Luke Cage is invincible. He's like, it's not working. So Man-Thing's like, I guess we're good friends now.

He cares about his friends. He's very, very loyal. He's got a family, but he's not going to, like, he kind of has that conflict between do I put my family or friends first? It seems like to me you just pitched me that, like, Man-Thing and Luke Cage would be the best friends of each other. That's true. If we're going to ship anybody. Man-Thing and Luke Cage would be the best friends of each other. That's true. If we're going to ship anybody.

Man-Thing and Luke Cage. Man-Thing X Luke Cage. Man-Thing cross. I don't know how to say it. Slash. Slash. Man-Thing slash. That's the slash fiction I want. Luke Cage, he grew up on the streets.

He's got that sort of street smarts. He's not going to have a flashy fucking costume. Half the time he's in a white. Luke Cage is just a dude. He's just a dude. He's in a white wife beater. He does have a chain for a belt, but that's kind of cool sometimes. He wore a tiara once, so even though he's cool now,

sometimes you're going to be like... Comfortable with his sexuality. Comfortable with his sexuality. You're going to be like, you wore a tiara once with this like beautiful yellow puffy shirt, and so you're always going to have that over him, no matter how cool he is now. So I reckon Luke Cage. Luke Cage is a good one. He's to me a perfect 10.

Yeah, I think I kind of agree. I mean, man thing for me. That's more like a good dog. He's a perfect 10 on the dog scale. No, because he burns your face. He's like a fine dog on the dog scale. That's about an 8. Best pet.

6. Hey, that's still better than 5. That's about an eight. Best pet. Six. Hey, that's still better than five. Still better than Hawkeye. Hawkeye's the worst dog. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Sam. And I've been Cal.

And where can we find you fine, lovely lads? You can find me on Twitter at Sam Pratwhite. You can find me on Twitter at Sam Pratwhite you can find me on Twitter at Callan Jenkins just don't we're the video shop podcast on pretty much everything

awesome at video shop pod on Twitter oh yeah at video shop pod there you go I should learn to plug better

us too I'm goddammit and Jackson does have a Twitter it's at all dogs are dead so he is on there. I refuse to change it to anything more findable.

It's why you want Manthing. All the dogs are gone. Yes. All the dogs. Or search for Ted Danson fuck machine. That's my name on Twitter. That's where I am. I'm proud of you, Jack.

I'm getting by. I'm also on Instagram as skeletonshavenobothole. Why do you do this? You can find me wherever. He's right, though. They don't confirm. That's just a fact. They just got hips.'s right, though. They don't confirm. That's just a fact. They just got hips.

Damn hipster. Skeleton hips don't lie. And that topic was suggested to us by Susan Bauman that we were legally obligated, obliged? Sure. To do that episode because she donates to us on Patreon. And if you want to do that, just head to our website, sanspansradio.com. We'll have to do whatever topic you Patreon. And if you want to do that, just head to our website, sanspantsradio.com.

We'll have to do whatever topic you decide. And we won't ever stop because we're like a locomotive. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.