Plumbing the Death Star - Which Batman Villain Would Be the Best To Hench For?

Episode Date: April 23, 2017

In which our heroes look for work in Gotham City, realise crime is their only option, and compare and contrast the available baddies as we ask which Batman villain would be the best to hench for?Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for the Sydney Comedy Fest and Brisbane show right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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from our website. Just head to santspantsradio.com slash live and we'll see you there. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask important questions like which Batman villain would be the best to hench for? Should we, when we jump in, should we choose what are the ideals of henching?

Yeah, alright. When you're henching, what are you looking for as a henchman? Yeah. I think you're looking for a certain amount of respect from your boss. Yeah, right. When you're henching, what are you looking for as a henchman? Yeah. I think you're looking for a certain amount of respect from your boss. I think so. So you want respect

from your boss. Well, I mean, obviously you're not going to get a lot. True. You want a bit, you know? You want them to not just see you as fodder.

Yeah, you kind of want respect and also what are your chores? What are your henchmen like chores? Yeah, what are my duties as a henchman? Yeah.

What are my henching activities? Okay. You want respect and loyalty. What about benefits? So a henchman? What are my henching activities? You want respect and loyalty What about benefits? Dental? Well like you want something from them Because otherwise why are you henching? So even like when we rob the Gotham Bank or whatever

You get some of the gold or whatever they're robbing Something like that Straight off the bat the worst one to be I know, but I'm just clearing this because people probably- Clearing the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Joker, absolute garbage. What? You're just going to get murdered. No. You're part of a scheme if you're his entrant. No, but is it like-

Sometimes I can- But you can follow him around with a sweet boom box playing tunes slash an art. And you know what'll happen straight after that? He's just going to turn around and shoot you in the stomach

When he's sick of the song Or he's gonna be like ha ha And just press a button and the boombox explodes What a funny gag You're in on the joke You're the punchline Literally everything we just listed there You want loyalty, you want some benefits

You're not getting benefits, you're not getting loyalty You got no respect The benefits there have become a punchline And a sweet joker gag You're not getting benefits. You're not getting loyalty. You got no respect. The benefits there have become a punchline and a sweet Joker gag. You're dead. Right? But also like the punchline.

You don't even get to enjoy the gag. But the punchline and sometimes the Joker is the only witness to the gag and he never laughs or he always laughs so it doesn't matter. Because what are you going to get?

So you got the boombox. Yeah. The boombox explodes. You die. So if you wanted to be in on the joke. That's not the gag. The gag would be you're playing the boombox, you're getting some sweet tunes,

you go to a museum, you slash a Picasso, and then the boombox might blow up. So you know that's coming because you want to be in on the gag. Yeah. So you're like, you get told it, the joke is like, and then the boombox explodes. And you're like, that's hilarious. Then as you're walking in, you're like, you get told it. The Joker's like, and then the boombox explodes. And you're like, that's hilarious. Then as you're walking in, you're like, the joke's not as funny anymore.

Like, it's going to lose its hilarity. Is there an audience? No. What if one of the museum goers? But there's never an audience to any of the Joker's things. Sometimes there's always audience. Occasionally. And most of the time the audience is the cops finding a corpse

now what a good gag i like that i was like the joker is clearly not a good choice and that was clearly the choice you had now that i but it doesn't hold it doesn't hold up to anything like it's like a zero out of ten yeah like compared to literally any other like i was confident announcing that we wouldn't even be mentioning the Joker because, of course, it's an awful choice. Well, it's an awful choice. He might skin you alive. He might just be like, Batman, here's a new jacket, and it's you.

I don't know. Because if you're henging for the Joker, he tends not to kill his henchmen that much, does he? He kills them all the time. He doesn't give a shit. He personally doesn't kill them. Yes, he does. Yeah, to make points to Batman.

Even just as an example the opening scene of the Dark Knight. He's robbing a bank and he kills literally everyone he's working with except him. That's a funny gag. I don't even know what the joke is. Or who it's for.

He doesn't even want the money. Nah. Exactly. You want to be the Joker because you want to be the Joker. The Joker's the only person who gets any good out of being part of Joker's gang. But he doesn't really get much either. He doesn't get any monetary value. You're not helping your own argument. Exactly. There's no point.

You've lost. Alright. So Sam is out of this episode. Disqualified. I wasn't being he'd be the best I was just arguing that he wasn't utterly

who's worse good point like literally there's no one everyone else is like look I'll cop that machin

that's what I mean pretty terrible as bit to hedge for you'd be you'd be on edge if you weren't okay if you weren't like I'm gonna make this funny gag by dying

then there's no benefits that's pretty much the only benefit and it's sort of a benefit for everyone else not really for you if that's the point that you want to make that's alright but nah anyway I think we're all missing who the evidently best villain to hedge for

Calendar Man excuse me Calendar Man,man villain he first appeared in i think yeah long halloween he basically no wait which calendar man calendar man fucking julian day yeah well he didn't first appear in the long halloween before that he was a goofy batman villain who was like ha ha ha i blew up christmas trees then in the long halloween there's another guy called the holiday Killer, and he's doing holiday murders and Batman goes to him Hannibal style

and is like, yo, you've done holiday, you know how holiday crimes work. Teach me how holiday crimes work. And then Calendar Man's like, uh, he's just killing them on the holidays, dickhead. So which Calendar Man? The fucking Long Halloween one.

Oh, okay one Julian Day Which is funny because calendar man Julian Day Yeah? I see the connection Well done I guess Bat demon, you did it again You saw someone with a day, you're like I'm a calendar man done

Good job Bad bat demon knows what Here's somebody with something in their last name Give him a sign. Science accent. Whoa, yeah. Whoa, Joel Dushan. Oh, I got the villain for you.

Well done. Thanks, Bat Demon. You did it. Jackson Bailey. Either baby-themed crime or Bailey's-themed crime. What the hell's a zammit? You're just fine. There's a zamet ham.

Maybe I become ham-themed. That's how the bat demon works. Mr. Pork. At this point, I feel like the bat demon is just grasping. Why is calendar man good? Okay, think about how many public holidays there are in a year. Not that many. That's true.

There is actually a holiday on every day. He's not going to commit a crime every day, but you're not getting days off. He's not going to do the obscure ones, I guess. He might. It depends, because I feel like calendar man works backwards. He's like, I want to commit a crime today. What day is it? All right, I'll theme it after that. It's like celebrate Man works backwards. Like, that's how I've always... He's like, I want to commit a crime today. What day is it?

All right, I'll theme it after that. It's like, celebrate your dog day. Yeah, sure. All right, time to kill Batman's dog. What holiday is it today? Let's find out what crime he'd be committing today. Let's just pick an arbitrary date. I want to choose the one from today.

We're not airing it when it's today, Jackson. You fuck. Shit. Jackson, we don't record this. Have you listened to our podcast? Let's use a random day. Let's just choose, like, I don't know. April 27th.

Take our daughters and sons to work day. So he could find a day. He's killing sons and daughters that have been taken to work He's taking out sons and daughters at work So, well, I feel That was going to be your argument, yeah Like you'd get a lot of days off

Oh yeah, heaps of days off But also like different themes It'd be festive all the time That would be nice It would be festive And also because you'd be working kind of a calendar man schedule, so if he's got, doesn't want to do work that day, he would just ignore whatever holiday

it is. Yeah, that's kind of alright. You're like, hey, it's December 25th. We did a thing the other day. It's fine. It's fine. Take it off. I like that your busiest working times would be the times where everyone else is the least busy. All the holidays are your working days and all the working days are your holidays.

That's all right. You're doing Christmas crimes during Christmas, Halloween crimes. You get a lot of variety, and I can see the good in that. I also would like to point out before all of our listeners point this out to me, I got Calendar Man and Holiday confused.

Calendar Man is the one that's in jail during Long Halloween. I got them the other way around so yes I acknowledge that mistake no no I still want to be calendar man holiday is just like a mafia guy you don't want to be working for the Falcons so what else

costumes I'm going to get so many costumes it's heaps but how many Christmas themed costumes are there but I guess you work in four years. That's quite a lot. That's a pretty good run. Yeah, that's heaps. You could be like a Santa. You could be an elf. You could be a sexy elf lady. You could be a Christmas tree.

Yeah, I was thinking Christmas tree. What about this? Give you a Tommy gun. Wrap you up as a present. Merry Christmas, Batman. Like a nativity boy. Baby Jesus. Merry Christmas, Batman. Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug. Like a nativity boy? Baby Jesus. Merry Christmas, Batman.

I like to imagine that every single, regardless of the holiday, it's just like something, and then I just appear with a Tommy gun and say, Merry Christmas, Batman. Merry whatever the day is. Merry take your sons and daughters to work day, Batman. Dress up as what, like a son or a daughter? A boy with one of those colorful hearts with a fucking helicopter on it? You dress up in a suit that's a couple sizes too big

so you look like a kid? Gotcha, Batman! Merry 10% of the daughter's life! Batman will just recognize you eventually. Chance you get got by Batman. That's another thing we should take into consideration. With Holiday Man, you're never on the front line. Holiday Man schemes happen.

Calendar Man. Calendar Man, sorry. Calendar Man schemes happen without his involvement. He just sets them up generally. That's how it kind of goes down. Worst case scenario for Batman and me is that I get biffed in the head. Yeah. So I'm fine.

And it's probably like, because I feel like the way Calendar Man works is he's like, cool, Christmas is coming up. So what we're going to do is we're going to deliver a whole bunch of presents and you might be in the presents. The Batman will just boff you and you'll be done. You're not going to die. You can find him. I'll get a kapow and then I'll be sweet.

Do you get much respect from Calendar Man? Depends how... I feel like it depends how much I respect the holidays. If I really, really double down on the Merry Christmas Batman, he'll fucking love me. That's true, you might become a number one, which I think is the goal of all henches, like eventually you want to be

the number one how can you, I guess what do you call it in like a business room to progress what's the room to progress in I feel like I could probably get more and more elaborate costumes.

That's true. That's a good. I think you're the one being like in the Christmas present. That's well, Christmas present. Do a Scrooge. I'm the ghost of Christmas boss. Batman. That's good.

Yeah, I want to change my thing. Rather than saying Merry Holiday, Batman, just a line that makes no sense, and then fire a machine gun. Batman, it's just like, well, Bruce Wayne, wake up in bed, and you'd be sitting there, and you'd be like,

oh, no. This guy. The Easter Bunny came, Batman. Ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka. like people are worried the Easter Bunny won't come he came this Easter I'm the tooth fairy that's not a holiday yeah you're right like the Easter Bunny

you can do a lot of stuff with him you can be dressing up as like a little bunny bomb eggs the problem with Easter is there's a lot of stuff with him. Yeah. Bomb eggs. Dressing up as like a little bunny. Bomb eggs. Bomb eggs. The problem with Easter is there's a lot of holidays in a very short period of time. So I've been very overworked. You're going to be busy. But then maybe you get a lot of downtime.

But then also like with Easter, like on the Good Friday, which is the first holiday part of Easter, that's not the egg part. That's just like a, hey, Jesus died today. No,

that's the, hey, Mary have a fish to the face, Batman. I rock up have a fish to the face, Batman. Duck a duck a duck a duck a duck a duck a duck a duck. I rock up with a fish. And then it's like, Mary, good Friday, have a fish, Batman.

And then I like load the fish. And then it's a machine gun. Oh, like, happy Shrove Tuesday, Batman. Chuck a pancake at him. Duck a duck a duck a duck a duck a duck a duck. Will you be, what's the one where Jesus came back? Which one's that? That's the day after Easter.

It's Easter Sunday. Jesus. It'd be Jesus. Jus up as Jesus. I'm back, Batman. That'd be a busy time for you. Yeah, man. I've run out of bullets.

Yeah. You've got to lair, which is a shame. Yeah. You kind of work on his back and core, so you're not clocking in anywhere. Yeah the thing is with calendar man depends how hectic he's feeling that year because if he just goes to public holidays i could probably still work at nine to five that's that's strict just have another job do it part time yeah what are yeah what are the benefits everything i've just said is a benefit sweet costumes sweet costumes

maybe penalty rates does the calendar man commit crimes for gain at all are you getting any money out of this why does he do what he does he's just nuts he's crazy for holidays does he want money why does the calendar man do the crimes he does

why does man do the crimes he does you're not gonna know internet you're not gonna know so um it's a little chickity check He's Yeah it's weird cause Like I've read stuff he's in He never really has a motive He's just like it's Christmas I gotta do something I just like doing crime that's not a crime

Yeah he doesn't He doesn't get anything out of it So you're not getting much money from the whole operation, really. It's not a job. It depends, because he does just rob shit sometimes. He's not just like, I'm going to try and kill Batman every holiday. We're going to assume that every henchman has a base wage, right? Yeah, I mean, otherwise why are you a henchman?

So does Callan Mann do any crimes? What's Callan Mann's income streams, basically? Well, he robs banks occasionally. Other than that, he doesn't have like a day job. He just robs banks and goes to jail. Your boss is in jail fairly often. I feel henshing for Calendar Man is something you do as a hobby. Yeah, it seems like a lot of fun.

Yeah, like a lot of fun doing like, you know, I've got nothing to do this Christmas Or this Easter Or this holiday season I got nothing to do Call up Calendar Man See if a job's going Hey you know Hey Calendar Man I got this like sweet turkey costume

You doing anything this Thanksgiving? Do you need a guy to Break out of something With a Tommy gun Calendar Man Cause you know That's my forte Like just smack open

Bruce Wayne's door manor And be like Gobble gobble gobble Dug a dug a dug a dug a dug a dug Is that what you're after? Yeah Pop out of his turkey Like gets a big turkey You burst out Gobble gobble gobble gobble dugga dugga dugga dugga is that what you're after? pop out of his turkey like gets a big turkey you burst out

gobble gobble gobble batman dugga dugga dugga perfect so yeah I feel he's not he's okay to hench for but like it's a sometimes hench yeah and it's not like you can't make a career out of it you know what I mean that's not a career henching unlike a certain man bat

correct it's not what I was... Yeah, why? What's good about me? He's a man bat. It's very simple. He's a man bat. What do you want from me, man bat? Because basically, you're not really a henchman as much as you're a zookeeper. But man bat's sometimes a man. Yeah. You're keeping him in a cage.

No, when he's a man, he's a man. When he's a man bat, what do you gotta do? What do you gotta do? You gotta look after him. You gotta groom him. You gotta look like, pick up his guano, I guess. He might shit. He probably does shit guano. What does man bat do? Nah, he just flies around being a man bat. He's got nothing to do, really.

It's just more like you work for, uh, what's his name? Dr. Langstrom. Langstrom, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just gotta work for him for a bit, and then he's like, by the way, I have an affliction right down to a man bat. Just like, look after me for a bit. So I guess, yeah, what, yeah. He's going to work for him for a bit, and then suddenly he's like, by the way, I have an affliction where I turned into a man bat. Just, like, look after me for a bit. So I guess, yeah, you're kind of like the guy that straps down a werewolf. Yeah.

When he's about to change. Langstrom's like, look, I'm going to man bat some shit. Are you a scientist? Or an assistant. Or, like, you know them labs? Yeah. Because Langstrom's always trying to find the cure for his man batism. I feel like an assistant

You don't have to be that highly trained to be an assistant No Like a research assistant That's kind of easy Does Langstrom still have a lab? Does he still own a company? Because if he does, just work for that company But you're in on the secret

That your boss is a man-bat How are you interacting with Batman? You're probably on good terms with Batman. I call up the bat phone, be like, hey, Batsy, guess what? Man bat, or Langstrom is turning again, so just be wary that we're going to have a bit of, I'm going to strap him in as best I can, but you know how strong he is. Yeah, and then Batman comes along, fights Langstrom. Yeah, but, like, what are you getting out of it?

Like, if you worked at an entry-level job, say, just in any regular lab, surely that's better because you don't have the downside of having to strap in a man bat. And you don't even get the upsides of being a henchman. Like, you don't even get to fight Batman. Yeah, but, like, is that really an upside? That's great. My excitement comes from

watching my boss turn into a man bat and I get to interact with Batman on a personal level. Yeah, but I might be invited to like Batman get-togethers. No, you're not. Get-togethers does Batman have. Thanksgiving, he's having a turkey.

Gobble, gobble, gobble. I hope I'm responsible to make a shot. Nah. I hope I'm responsible for killing you. Gotcha. Oh, thanks, you Batman, for this lovely turkey dinner. Turkey dinner? And then just like as I'm about to carve in, you burst out. Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Gobble, gobble, gobble. Batman, you scientist mate. Dugga, digga, digga, digga. You might get eaten by Man-Bat. I could. Like that's a downside, your boss could eat you Costume though Sick

Lab coat Great costume Super cool You know what I can do? Buy a lab coat Like 30 bucks Yeah, no, garbage You're not really a henchman If you're just a lab assistant

That's not henchman Sounds like you just want to be a third rate robin Sounds like you just want to look after a bat Or, because Langstrom has on occasion Given the serum to other people Including his wife He might experiment on me And I can become boy bat

So your upsides are yes and there's not many very little chance of getting buffed by batman can become a bat maybe no very boy bat a boy bat a bat boy very slim chance of being buffed by batman and very slim chance of being given the serum and turning into bat boy i reckon no he's a loose cannon it's a very high chance of becoming well i mean like look if you want to like embezzle from langstrom's company and just take the serum what can he do that's true you know so you could just nick it from him but then he'll kill you when he's bat batman no man bat it's risky i guess is the problem. Similar to the Joker, where you're just going to be killed probably by your own boss. I guess there's no motive with the Joker, but it's just

his bat instincts. Looking into it, Langstrom experiments a lot on other people. Mostly his family. Marry his daughter. Marry his daughter. Marry his wife. Marry Becky.

Then he's like, well well I'm already experimenting on Becky Zammett come here I may as well experiment on you and maybe your kid But So we're talking about becoming a boy bat Like it's real good Is it? Then I get to have that excitement

Of fighting Batman I don't think Langstrom is like, it's like a Hulk situation. No, I'm not like- You don't know what, you're not cognizant while you're boy bat. So you're just waking up having the shit biffed out of you.

You're getting bat biffed. I am getting bat biffed. Just fucking the biffed, the fuck, I can't even say it. The bat biffediest? The bat biffed out of you by Batman. How does it compare to the calendar man, though? Well, calendar man at least knows what his job is.

Yeah. I'm just a scientist who occasionally becomes a boy bat. You kind of aren't really henching anymore. You're just also a villain. But a worse one. Like an assistant villain. Yeah, so you're just also a villain. But a worse one. Like an assistant villain. Yeah. So you kind of became a second.

You kind of became the Robin to man bat. Which is fine, I guess. I mean, like, you're the Robin in your own fantasy here. That's not great. But, like, if we talk about room for growth, for progression, going from scientist to... That's a number one. Yeah, that's a number one.

Shelley's wife is a number one. You're number three. Number three. Nah, then he's like kids. You're like a number five. Yeah, a number five. Yeah, damn. And the only way you can really go up...

Unless I become his favoured son-in-law, then I'm at least number three. Oh, yeah, I mean, that's all right. That's a benefit, I guess. I don't know what... Because Man Bat does go out and attack people. So you're facilitating that? I guess I either have to stop it or join in.

Well, I mean, if you're hanching, you're joining in. If you're stopping it, you're working for Batman, and we can't have that. No, no. That goes against the henchman code. So, yeah, I'm guessing I'm... So you're the chance of being biffed or buffed. Quite high now. Very high.

Just risen significantly to a biffing of a lifetime. He's going to duff you up. Yeah. Also, like monetary gain, you could rob the people man bat eats. That's true. And also, I'm earning a decent wage as a scientist. That's true. There's got to be some government grants

to be like, please stop the man-batting. Play the government against itself. You're like, I'm stopping the man-bat. Secretly, you are a man-bat. God, I'm good. The trickiest crime of all. That's good. Still worse than Calendar Man, but still pretty good.

All right. Well, again, I feel like we're forgetting. The Riddler, you're right. Fuck, the Riddler would be super good. He would. Because you're not going to get biffed or boffed or kapowed because Batman doesn't. He barely even biff, boffs or kapows fucker the Riddler himself.

He does when he finds the Riddler. That's when we start to have frustration. I'm sick of your goddamn Riddler. Because the Riddler's like, i'm trapped in an electric force field and you need to solve this codex to get in and biff me and then he does and riddler's like fuck batman biffs him to fucking near death exactly but the key thing there is batman biffs that riddler yeah but you might you're gonna be you fucking idiots you're gonna be involved in traps and schemes. Yeah.

It's going to be like Batman. I'll be so clever. Exactly. Riddler's going to be like, do this. We're going to be like, all right. And we'll go and do that. Imagine all the brain teasers. And then, do you know what?

Look, Riddler helps me set up all the riddles and puzzles. I then read the fucking Sunday paper. It's like, solve the crossword. Do it in 20 seconds. Win 2K. You're going to be in the kind of situation where you're in a room and there's like the floor there's like a timer and the floor is electrified and you're both on pads on the floor and batman's gonna come in and it's gonna be like

you can only save one and the other or get electrocuted that's the kind of shit you're gonna be involved in day in day no that's more a joker thing yeah ridley doesn't joke he's not that elaborate joker would be like bat, you can only save one of them. And then he'd shoot one of you. Riddler isn't going to be like, Batman, you can only save one of my two. Riddler's going to be like, here's two innocent civilians. We help set the trap. Riddler's not putting us in danger.

I'm safer than a civilian. Generally, what we're going to be doing is setting the trap and chuffing off. Our stuff is done before Batsy gets there. And then again, I'm very clever now. So I just go on the weekend, clean up in game shows and fucking win puzzles. You're clever because you've been working with Riddler. Because like, it was Moses. Yeah, being exposed to so many like riddles and problem solving situations.

What's going to happen is he's going to give you a brain training. Remember the DS game Brain Training? That's my life now. He's doing that fucking 24-7, mate. Brain training is not a scientific anything. He's going to give you cue cards and you're going to read

the cue cards and when Batman solves it you're going to be like, oh. I'm still learning. Oh. I guess that was the answer. It was dogs.

But generally, the thing is like, Batman doesn't get the clues read out by a henchman it's like a note left somewhere or something like that well I guess your

problem is that you we're basically we're the lads that are going out and doing like scavenger hunt we're in charge of scavenger hunts

that's mad that's awesome people do that for fun where's the monetary gain Riddler fucking riddles these way into vaults all the time yeah he does

well if you're riddled into a vault no no no he riddles himself way into vaults all the time. Yeah, he does. Well, if you're riddled into a vault... No, no, no, no, no. He riddles himself... Riddles into a vault, takes the money. You dick. And then Batman's like, I gotta find the Riddler.

Riddler's like, yeah, fair, but first, what has four paws and a tail and barks? Dog. Oh, dogs. Of course. And also, if Riddler is like riddling his way to like a million dollars in cash, chances are when like eventually Batman biffs him good and he gets the money back and he's like, oh, there's only like 900K, that's fine.

You know, your boys Joel have got like 50K each. And we did fuck all. That was just like one riddle. How many times have you seen Riddler with henchmen? A few times. And also like that's the point. When? But that's the point, Jackson.

I'm probably going to get a sweet fucking bowler hat with a question mark on it. That's sick. Heaps of question marks. This is the point of being a henchman of the Riddler. You've never seen. Because you're doing all the traps beforehand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What traps?

Because Riddler just gives you riddles. The traps you're thinking of are from Arkham Knight. Yeah. Yeah, and in Arkham Knight, the Riddler sends out his henchmen To other gangs And then Batman beats him up And tortures him for information He got us

Gotcha Yeah because in real In the comics Riddler is just like, I'm robbing this bank and he will write a clue and give it to Batman. There's no traps. It's only in the games where there's traps. Sometimes there's like clues and shit

that are like littered around Gotham. So maybe you're dropping the clue. Exactly. Yeah, that's still pretty good. It's fine, I guess. Yeah. You're not going to get duffed up, I suppose. It's boring is what it sounds like. Because you're going to be given, because he's the Riddler, he not going to get duffed up, I suppose. It's boring, is what it sounds like.

Because you're going to be given, because he's the Riddler, he's going to be like, here's a piece of paper that has and I am a dog on it. I wonder how this pertains to the riddle. Anyway, I'm putting it in this flower pot. And you're going to get one that's like 25. That's lame ass.

But I'm still getting 50k. Yeah. I guess you're getting a lot of money for doing not much. That's pretty good. That's alright ass But I'm still getting 50k Yeah I guess I guess you're getting a lot of money For doing not much That's pretty good That's alright Room for progression though I will happily

Be very bored For lots of money Can we become his number one? I don't think we can Ritalin doesn't even have a number one He's just nothing When have I ever had aspirations To rise to the head of a company

That's the point of being a henchman You want to eventually be a number one Yeah That's the point of being a henchman I You want to eventually be a number one. Yeah, that's the point of being a henchman. I guess. But I also don't want to get my jaw kapow'd off by Batman. Yeah, he will kapow your jaw. Like, just clean off.

Woo! It's gone. Anyway, the best villain to hench for... Two-Face, correct! Yes! Because, like, all of your outfits come divided in two. That's sick. Or you've got one, they've got the other half.

But then you'd probably have one of each so that you can swap later. Swap later, do a sneaky down the track swap. Plus you get like, you know, when you do a song and dance, we get those two, is it Sugar and Spice? Was that what their names were? Yep, I think so. These henchmen doing a sweet song and dance? Yeah, that's true. That's that's pretty rad you get a lair riddler's around for some time for dinner that's pretty good and worst case scenario chance of being murdered is doesn't get higher than 50

because you'll flip a coin before he shoots you in the head that is good you got a 50 chance of dying every day but that's like but that's a lot lower than some other henchmen. Yeah, exactly. Like, Joker's like 100. Yeah, if you had Joker, you'd kill him. Joker's 100% He's just like... Even Man Bat's probably higher than fucking... Yeah, no, that's true. He might just gobble you off. I guess the problem with Two-Face that I'm seeing,

just playing devil's advocate, is that sometimes Two-Face is in jail, sometimes he's good. Sometimes he's got three faces. What? Yeah, there's a three face. Oh, that's good. What happens? He gets, like, there's a three face. Oh, that's good. What happens?

He gets like another burn or something. It's like he's got a strip of something down the middle now. Oh, that's good. He's like third. He's in third. I'm a big fan of that. That's good. Then they'd hire a third henchman.

And he'd just be the stripe. That's true. Plus he could teach you some stuff about law. Like that's kind of nice Get your law degree But when you're in trouble with the police You could be like ah law article this bullshit And try and get off

But I feel like the police are just not a worry For us as henchmen Because we can just chuff out of there whenever we want Sometimes he holds like court Yeah that is good Also I feel like the henchmen for Two-Face also get Tommy guns, and we know how I feel about that. Yeah, that's good.

Hey, look, Batman. Tommy guns. Duk-a-duk-a-duk-a-duk-a-duk-a-duk-a-duk-a. What are you working for? What do you do? I feel like if I was Two-Face's henchman, I'd adopt the coin flip as well. Would he allow that?

No. But I feel like you'd want to, surely. You'd want to, but I feel that would be him disrespecting him. It depends what outfit you're wearing, because if you're wearing the normal outfit, then no, surely. You'd want to, but I feel that would be him, that you're disrespecting him. It depends what outfit you're wearing. Because if you're wearing the normal outfit, then no, you wouldn't commit any crimes. But then if you're wearing the fucked outfit, all the crimes.

I feel he's number one he'd allow to do a coin flip. Or what happens if you're like, hey, you do the flip for me and give you the coin. That's what you want. That's the respect you want. That's how you give it, yeah. And that's the type that, yeah, that's definitely. I feel like I keep suggesting new, I'd be like,

have you ever heard of dice? Now instead of two options, you've got six. Actually, what does he do now as Three Face? Three-sided die? I don't know what he does. I don't know how he makes his decisions. Because like Two Face has like. Or is that like when it lands on like the edge?

That's the third option. The thing with Two-Face is that... Suicide. He's got a lot of emotional problems. I'm going to become Joker's henchman. He's got a lot of emotional problems, Two-Face. He's got a lot of ladies he's left behind. He's got like, oh, I used to be the, you know...

That's all right. I believe in Harvey Dent. He's unstable, but I guess they all are. They're all very unstable. You can't deny that. Yeah. I think he'd be an all right henchman. Because again, the but I guess they all are. They're all very unstable. You can't deny that. I think he'd be an alright henchman, because again, the costumes are rad. Real good. Benefits are pretty nice, because he

at least had some... He's smart. Well, he robs Batman. The crimes he does... You're getting duffed up. You're getting duffed to shit all the fucking time. Because Batman, he used to know Harvey Dent there's like an emotional core there

the duffing the duffing of a lifetime for you boys getting biffed, boffed, fucking kapowed all over the shop and this isn't the kind of situation where Two-Face will help you either you flip a coin to help you there's a 50% chance of doffing well it's not pretty it's pretty good it's pretty good well actually

there's not a 50 chance of a doffing there's like 100 chance of a doffing and a 50 chance that the doffing won't be for too long that's not terrible um like when can you know compared to like man bat that's pretty good. Something we haven't considered that we should, and we should retroactively, just real quick because it won't take long, getting your boss out of Arkham. Because that's something you're going to have to do at some point. Oh, Two-Face sorts himself out. Yeah, he does.

And also, hey, he'd come up with a scheme that you've got to be there and do. That's pretty good. Riddler's going to give me real confusing instructions. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to be doing. Like a jack-in-the-box on a corner of the island being like, I guess I'm just supposed to... He's got to be there for like two hours. And the lights will hit the mirror and you'll be like,

sure, I hope he's out. Hope everyone else did their fucking job. I feel like he's going to have to open up a skylight. That shouldn't be too bad. Do they even send Man-Bat to Arkham? That up a skylight. That shouldn't be too bad. Do they even send Man Bat to Arkham? That doesn't seem right. That man would just trank Man Bat straight away. Man Bat should be in a zoo.

Calendar Man, no. He just stays in Arkham. Bad luck. Bad luck, champ. Calendar Man, you've got to theme everything around a holiday. I guess I'll get him out next Christmas. Yeah, so you fuck up one Christmas. Oh, wait, 20.

Merry Christmas, Arkham. Dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga. I was going to say, you spend a lot of time... Because Harvey Dent is not special, he doesn't have powers. Correct. Yeah, he spends a lot of time in Arkham. He's just got a melty face. Yeah, so you're going to spend a lot of...

Two-Face probably, out of all villains, probably spends the longest amount of time in Arkham. Yeah, you're going to spend a lot of time bossless Eh some down time That's good be my own boss Do you and this is kind of a separate question So say you're hanching for Tooth Face Yep

Tooth Face I don't like that I can't hear what you're saying but i'll knock that tooth right off your head it's disturbing that he does have a mouth yeah that is scary anyway so say you're working for two-face two-face goes to jail just to arkham yep and you're bossless is it a faux pas to join another villain's hundred percent just well he's away no yeah you're getting you'd have to either is that like cheating on your like your husband he's away. Nah, you're getting... You'd have to either go for like... Is that like cheating on your...

Like your husband's in jail, so your wife's in jail, whatever. I mean, yeah. I feel like if you leave and join someone, you're now their henchman. Yeah, because I guess once Two-Face is out, you can't be like, anyway, kill a croc.

I'm fucking back to Two-Face, my main boo. You're getting bashed by... I'm getting chomped. Yeah. K-Croc's eating me good. You're going to cop it from all sides. So, well, that means, I guess, when you're Two-Faces Henchmen and Two-Faces in J, you're just spending

a lot of time doing nothing. That's true. Which is fine, I guess. Fine, you just gotta let it downtime. Yeah. Anyway... And on that note... Penguin! Uh, well, the Penguin's good. Penguin! Where? He's so good! You get the best lair imaginable

With the iceberg lounge Free drinks on the house You get money cause all Penguin does Is rob banks You rarely get duffed by Batman Cause Batman and the Penguin are kind of like chums At the moment What were our other issues

Costumes Talk about costumes Everyone's in a fucking tux all the time What were our other issues? Costumes! Talk about costumes! Everyone's in a fucking tux all the time! Plus there are penguins you can touch. Yeah, that's probably pretty good. At the iceberg lounge. What about when you've got to deal with, say, the emperor penguin? When someone tries to muscle in on penguin's turf?

No, that's the penguin deals with that. Or we fight the emperor penguin. That's fine. That's part of being a henchman. That's part of the hench life! But the problem there is the emperor penguin. That's fine. That's part of being a henchman. That's part of the hench life. But the problem there is the emperor penguin's gonna be like, hey, the penguin is, like, off in jail or something like that. Do you want to come work for me?

No! I'm loyal to the penguin. Then, like, the penguin's off in jail or something. He's gonna, like, clip your fingers. When does the penguin go to Arkham? Eh, sometimes. Like, rarely. Very rarely. He's occasionally there, but he's so corrupt he gets out like that. Yeah. You know, talking about breaking out your boss from Arkham, he breaks himself out quicker than bloody Two-Face.

He's lickety-split penguins out of there. Not fair. Not fair. What were our other problems? Room for progression. Ah. Ah. You can be the manager of the fucking iceberg, like?

Yeah. Is that what it's called? You start off as just like a lowly hench, doing little robberies for him. You drive in a truck, maybe. Eventually you work up, manager, you know, second. Fucking penguins got seconds for days. Seconds, thirds, and fourths. And that's it.

Then you become like the emperor penguin, and then you try and muscle in his territory. I mean, I never would, because, you know, like mad loyalty to Oswald. Exactly. But like, you could. Yeah. There's a lot of room to progress. He's the best to hunch for, hands down. Sounds like a lot of work, though.

Where? Where? Where's the work? Where? Where? Where? Where's the work? I think Jack's already halfway there.

Managing Iceberg Lounge, because you've got to cook the books. Yeah, fuck And also like Because the Penguin's like an illegitimate businessman But he's still a businessman It's not just like Go beat the shit out of this guy It's like, hey, extort

Fuck, that's so much of a hassle Calendar Man None of those hassles Calendar Man where you're working like one day a year Perfect, pop out of a cake, shoot a Tommy gun Rest of the day you're working at a bloody 7-Eleven. Perfect. Pay the bills.

I get to pay the bills and duff up people who've wronged the penguin. And if you are working for a legitimate businessman such as Oswald Cobblepot. No legitimate businessman. He's legitimate.

He's completely legitimate. You're not paying taxes. Yeah. I'm going to go down to your 7-Eleven, buy you out. Yep. Good. Then I'm your henchman. Guess who's going to get down to your 7-Eleven and buy you out. Good.

Then I'm your henchman. Guess who's going to get killed by the henchman? Because murder's fine with me. Damn. You've got no loyalty to me. None, none whatsoever. Also, the one thing that I can't get my head around with the penguin is you have to watch a lot of penguin bombs go off. And I don't know if I can watch a penguin explode.

I absolutely can. That's all right. Exactly. It's like an explosion of feathers. Fuck, I might just get a penguin. You could get a pet penguin. Is that how I feel myself? You could barely look after a dog.

Your penguin's dying of malnutrition. You could become Mr. Popper's penguins, but like an evil one. Jackson, I'm so hot. Shut up, penguin. I'll give him a kick. It'll be good. You can have the penguin around the house. Yeah.

Yeah. Have it around the iceberg lounge. It's fine. Your penguins? Oh, my God. What you do is you like strap a plate to its head, and then the penguin can go serve drinks. Yeah.

You know what's going to happen? Give me the first recorded case of a penguin hanging itself. Not if I cover it up. Look, after, like, exploring all of these henchmen, I don't think the hench laughs for me, just because I don't like doing that much stuff. I think, you know, you're doing, like, this... It's like an exciting real... Like, you know, you got real jobs.

You do your job, whatever. You clock in day in, day out, and it's fine. But this is like that plus excitement. That's what the penguin is. It's like you're working for a themed mafia. That's good ass. I think, like, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of just having a normal boring job

and then just popping out on public holidays, rob a bank. And look, that's the good henching for you. It's the occasion. Your henching is a hobby. But for the career henchmen like myself and Jackson here, I'm happy to say that the penguin's probably the best choice. Yeah, Mr. Gobblepot. Because if that's your life, it's the best one to choose.

It's the most one that's like a career. Because Joker, as funny as that would be to be in a great gag, it's got no long-term value. Man-bat, you're just basically wrangling an animal or occasionally turning into a boy-bat. That's always going to be a hassle. Which is fine, but it's not a job. No. Being a boy-bat

is not a career. No, not at all. And the Riddler's always going to be confusing you with dumb bullshit. Like, oh my God, it's the water supply again. Think of a new plan, Riddler! Fucking going to be confusing you with dumb bullshit. You're like, oh my god, it's the water supply again. Think of a new plan, Riddler! Fucking opening a fucking letter, it's like, from whence you came. It's like, well, okay. And then another thing, this is 73.

You're like, I guess. I don't know what I'm about to be doing. And then one that just says, arf, arf, arf, dog again. I guess it was dog. And if you fuck up the Riddler's plan, he'd be so mad at you. He'd be so mad if he comes back and he's like, and how's the water supply? And you're like, what?

Water supply? I poisoned a dog. Yeah, and also Batman might be mad at you as well. Yeah, exactly. He's like, ah, the deduction and clues is this and blah, blah. And he goes there and it's not there. He's like, where is it? You're going to get doffed.

You're going to be like, what happened? You're like, I thought the answer was dog. Like, no, you dickhead. It's water supply. Like, how is that? And Batman's going to sit you down and explain how it is. You're like, I thought the answer was dog. Like, no, you dickhead. It's water supply. Like, how is that? And Batman's going to sit you down and explain how it is. You're going to feel like such an idiot. You're going to feel like the stupidest fuck in the land.

Because, yeah, you're going to have both Riddler and Batman talking down to you. And that's not what you want. It's not good for your self-esteem. It's not good. You're going to get biffed by Batman and then biffed by the Riddler. Whereas with Working for the Penguin, your biffings are rare. Yeah. They happen.

I'll admit that. But it's a rare biffing. And if Batman's going to punch you, you're like, Batman, you're on our property. We are legitimate businessmen. Yeah. Do you want us to call the police, Batman? Don't punch a private citizen who's doing a hard-earned nine to five.

Exactly. I'm just working the bar, Batman. I could pour you a drink. Yeah. And generally, the iceberg,'s a good like neutral territory yeah exactly Batman might come to the penguin

for information you know you'll know him you'll let him in I just realised the problem though of being the iceberg lounge is that

you can eventually get gassed by the Joker but that's just a problem of all oh you're all gonna get gassed by the Joker calendar man

what's the Joker gonna do about calendar man he's not gonna gas calendar man he'll gas, you're all going to get gassed by the Joker. It's a calendar man. What's a Joker going to do about calendar man? He's not going to gas calendar man, he'll gas you. You'll pop out of the turkey and be like... You'll pop out in like a gassed room. And be like fucking... And then it'll be like... Because then I'll be a fucking Riddler fella

because I'll get funny gassed. Joker fella. Joker fella, not... Joker fella. Joker fella, not Riddler. Joker fella plaza. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel.

If you could think of a better villain to hench for, which supersedes any of our brilliant choices, tweet us at SansPantsRadio, or if you want a long-form answer for some reason, email us at SansPantsRadio, or if you want a long-form answer for some reason, email us at SansPantsRadio at gmail.com. Anyway, bye. Bye. Mr. Freeze! Ah! Ice to meet you.

Cool party. Sick puns. We fucked it up. Dead wife. Don't tweet us that one. We fucked it up. Dead wife. Don't tweet us that one. Thanks for listening.

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