Plumbing the Death Star - Which Celebrity Chef Would Make the Worst Sandwich?

Episode Date: August 19, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Which Celebrity Chef Would Make the Worst Sandwich?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which celebrity chef would make the worst sandwich? sandwich. Ian Hewitson. Who the fuck is that? From Huey's Cooking Adventures. Why didn't you say Huey? Because his name is Ian Hewitson.

Apparently. I'm sad it's not called Ian's Cooking Adventures. His name's Ian. I always thought his name was Huey Hewitson, which makes no sense. Ian Hewitson. What if it was Hugh Hewitson? Would you be happy with that? I would be. What if his name was just Huey Huey?

No, I like Huey Hewitson. Or Huey Hewitson. All right, so listeners, before we get into this, what I need you to do is, although you're listening on a computer or your phone or... Whilst you're listening, whilst driving your car, whip out your smartphone. And type in www.google.com and get ready to fucking fire these names into that bad boy,

because otherwise you're going to be lost. Otherwise you're just going to be like, these could be anyone we're going to be lost. Otherwise you're just going to be like, these could be anyone talking about here today. Oh yeah, celebrity chef fucking Johnson McFuck. Johnson McFuck's cooking adventures.

Cookstorm. I want to watch Johnson McFuck's cookstorm. That just sounds like everything, the recipe for everything he makes is put the ingredients in a blender, leave the top off, turn it on. Delicious. He just puts his finger in the paste that remains

and sucks it from his finger. Fucking good. That's another fucking cook's storm. Chuck some cayenne pepper on that and crank that storm up to 18. He just puts the seeds of the pepper on and eats it like a garnish. I've been Johnson. It's been a fucking hook storm.

Well, I've chosen Ian Hewitson. Huey. Huey. For those who don't know, like a classic Australian cooking show featuring an irascible drunk. Huey! Start saying Huey! He loves his wines, that boy. He always has a full bottle of wine next to him and it never goes in the meal.

But my favorite thing about Huey is that he's so pink and jolly. Jolly, but also doughy. He's a doughy, jolly boy. Yeah, he's doughy, I guess, to be fair. Imagine an Australian Santa Claus. That's what he looks like. Yeah, absolutely. Imagine an Australian Santa Claus dressed for the weather and with nothing Christmassy.

That's him. And my best memory of Huey. Yes! Finally. Is he made, he called it a New York spritzer. Which was, he's like, oh, here's something I've heard of. You know, it's a New York spritzer. It's like a chocolate soda, cold chocolate soda.

So he fucking bumbles this way through making it. He doesn't know what he's doing. At the end, he's finished. He takes a sip what he's doing. At the end, he's finished. He takes a sip and he's like, oh, didn't do that right. That wasn't very good. That was aired live on television. Well, just to reiterate, not actually live.

Not live. Which makes it funnier. Yeah, that means everyone was... Because I was thinking about that. They weren't like, look, Hughie, do you want to just take another sip and be like, oh, that's delicious. And we'll cut there. Or they were.

Or just do it again. And Ian Hewittson was like, nope. The people need to know I fucked it up. I'm honest. And I have my integrity. It's funny because one of my, I have a memory of huey's cooking adventures as well that's just like burnt into my brain as like when i was like let's say 12 the funniest thing i'd ever seen on tv he was cooking a steak yeah and then for some reason he was reading out a letter he got and the letter was just getting real angry at him because they're like they're like huey i get you're a celebrity

chef and this is me paraphrasing but i get you're a celebrity chef. And this is me paraphrasing. But I get you're a celebrity chef. And I know that you have to film things with the constraint of television. But why the fuck do you only chuck your steak on? You're like, it's done. I've heard of people eating steaks rare or medium rare or blue. But your steak's fucking still mooing. And I remember the phrase still mooing was definitely used. And Hugh was just like both offended but also found it very funny that's amazing it's just funny for

someone to be watching that show and crack the shits that he's not cooking i just like that huey was i i thought it was going to get way more aggressive and the idea of him not knowing what was in the letter before opening it and reading it and being like, Dear Huey, oh, this is not kind. You're a waste of human skin, you fucking animal. Oh, I shouldn't read this. It's all the while the steak is in the background. I also thought maybe that's where he was going to go.

He read the whole thing and his steak cook Caught fire I just wouldn't have been surprised Hughie's response as far as I can remember was like laughing He was like no no no don't worry about how I cook my steak I got the TV show It stopped being about what he was cooking And just him having funny banter with a letter

I like it as well because I watched the episode where he fucked up the New York spritzer. So little of that episode was him cooking. It was mostly just him on a riverboat being like, fuck yes, I'm on a riverboat. I remember another one where he was just cooking in a park. I'm not sure, but I also think he might have messed it up. That's so good.

I mean, I know I'm trying to think of a celebrity chef that would cook me the worst sandwich. And we have no doubt that Huey would have some plan in his mind, but then upon cooking it would be like, well, fuck that one up, Jackson. Well, ate it anyway. What would be construed here as like a bad sandwich? How is he mucking it up?

Well, Huey... Or do you have to be like, what is a good sandwich? Now can you fuck like a bad sandwich how is he mucking it up well huey i'm sure you have to be like what is a good sandwich now can you fuck up a good sandwich well sandwich the problem with the sandwich is that it's kind of hard to make a bad one i'll make that claim i mean it's it's not you look skeptical joel ducha i do look skeptical because i think that the moment you try and get creative with a sandwich the chances of fucking it up go from zero to a hundred no that's true if your sandwich is just cheese... If you're like, sweet, I'm going to have a ham and cheese sandwich. Yeah, you're sweet.

All of a sudden you're like, what if I mess around with some spreads and maybe some hot meats? Troubles, bro. What if I add a bit of pesto to this? Nope, too much pesto. Wet bread. Wet bread. See, if you fuck up the sauce ratio, wet bread.

Yeah. Or your tomato's been in the fridge for if you fuck up the sauce ratio, wet bread. Yeah. Or your tomato's been in the fridge for far too long and it's still a bit icy. Oh, yeah, that's true. And you've got like real cold tomato. No, thank you. Are you looking at Huey? In the 1960s, Hewittson was a folk singer. What?

That's what an amazing career trajectory. Folksing a celebrity chef. Maybe celebrities. In 2009, at the end of one of his shows, he got out his guitar and sang Octopus's Garden. I love him. That's not your song. Do you think the producers of Huey's Cooking Adventures could afford the rights to Octopus's Garden? I doubt it.

He just did it. We're in the red so much. That's amazing. People are going to be so mad at us. So what's he making? What are we getting Hughie to make? Well, what's something easy for him? I don't want him to fuck it up too much.

Or is my aim to have him fuck it up too much? The idea is you want a real good sandwich. What's my ideal sandwich? I guess is the question here. Nice crusty bread. Good layer of butter. Just the right layer of butter. Let's check some avocado on that.

Some Swiss cheese. Sun-dried tomatoes. A little bit of mayo. Maybe some chicken. Nice chicken. Put some salt. put some pepper. Fucking grill that shit. You got a sandwich.

That sounds like a good sandwich. All right, so how's Huey fucking this up? Well, I just think Huey would do it. Because I think the problem with the New York spritzer that he made is that he did it too quickly, and he didn't really know what he was doing. There were too many complicated processes here. So he might cook the chicken poorly and give me food poisoning. He could also just like, I don't know if he'd really pay attention to how good the ingredients were. You know what I mean?

So it might just be like old, bad avocado and kind of like all the vegetables are kind of gross. But it doesn't actually sound that bad. Now that I talk it through. He's just going to fuck it up a little bit. But I reckon he might burn it. Oh, yes, definitely. I'm having a burnt sandwich 100%. Because I'm just trying to think, like, what would make me cause me to be like, no, I'm not eating this sandwich.

And like, the avocado is not, you know, fresh, but it's still good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? The tomatoes were a little bit on the chili side. You fresh, but it's still good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? The tomatoes were a little bit on the chilly side. You're like, eh, it's still cold. But hey, it was still nice because it's being warmed up by that chicken. But if it's like, oh, it's too soggy. But if you're using like a really good sourdough, you can't fuck that up.

Yeah. I just bring it back to the fact that I probably wouldn't trust him to cook chicken. Something I was just thinking, because I got the Wikipedia page for Huey open here. It says in later seasons that he had sponsors, and the sponsors would always kind of go into his meals or whatever. And you've got, you know, classics. Campbell's Real Stock, that's good. Yep. You know, Viva Paper Tiles.

Yep. Great. Chemist Warehouse. Is Huey going to be like, sorry, Jackson, the sponsors demand and just fill it with pills? What does it say? Crunchy. It's like crunchy chicken sandwich. Funnily enough, speaking of Huey drugging people accidentally

or through sponsorship, he was on a... I also went on his Wikipedia page and got stuck in a Huey hole, as I like to call it. Happens to most Australians. At one point or another, absolutely. got stuck in a Huey hole, as I like to call it. Happens to most Australians. At one point or another, absolutely. We're in a Huey hole. In 2014, he was on a radio segment where they blindfolded him. We're going to get him to taste test stuff.

And live on air, just before he ate something, his assistant burst into the studio and was like, stop, stop. He's allergic to that. And then Huey was like, I'm going to have to pretend. No, actually, you know what? No. That would have killed me. I'll sue you, you bastards. He said that on air.

Huey is a hero. I love this man so much. Now, how much do you like your chicken, Jack? Yeah. I want roast chicken. Do you like the stuffing and the chicken skin? I like the skin a lot. Because he's going to chuck a lot of that in, I reckon.

I feel like my biggest problem with Huey, and I feel like, you know, compared to maybe who you guys choose, it's not going to be that big a deal, but he's going to make the sandwich for him, not for me. I'm going to be like, I don't really like chicken skin, Huey, and Huey's going to be like, everyone't really like i don't really like chicken skin here and he's gonna be like everyone likes chicken skin do you like chicken skin no no that seems like the type of thing that you would love you'd say it's like the same thing i'd only eat yeah like if you were like i'd be like done and i'd push a skinless chicken in the bed no i can imagine like

but is it not more like me to just eat the stuffing? Handful upon handful. Fisting the chicken deep and drawing it out. That is... Yeah, you can have it. I don't think I want it anymore. No, the chicken is skin and the chicken is bone. Whatever, you're done with that. Fist the chicken good as yours now. I've eaten the chicken's guts or whatever.

Jason, do you think the stuffing is the inside of the chicken? Yeah, its with it. Naturally inside. Duh. What do you think inside chicken it is? What do you think it is? It's bread. What?

Yeah, chicken eat heaps of bread. That makes sense. Thank you for this education. I'm gonna go lie down outside. Where's Jackson? He's just lying down looking at the sky. I imagine face down. I like it. I'm looking up in the rain. I keep getting

my mouth full of water and be like and then opening it again slack jawed. I like you face down with your like t-shirt pulled up so your belly's on the hot concrete. Ah. This is good for me.

He just ate all the stuffing out of the chicken and went, I have to heat up my belly to help digestion. Heat help. Ah. Ah. Good stuffing. Hey, do you guys think it's weird that a stuffing is in the belly of a chicken and then I ate it, Ah. Ah. Good stuffing. Hey, do you guys think it's weird that a stuffing is in the belly of a chicken and then I ate it, so now it's in my belly? Me and the chicken have something in common now.

If you cooked me up like a chicken, you would get the stuffing again, huh? That's wild. Don't eat me. Don't eat. Just try to rock myself over. Don't eat me. Give rock myself over Don't eat me Give me some bread I'm good here

Put the plate of everything else just in front of my face Living with you is unpleasant Why do we know this man Alright so I reckon he's gonna make you a sandwich Just for Huey Yeah exactly he's gonna put chicken skin on it He's going to be like, oh, I don't really like sun-dried tomatoes So you're just not getting them

And then it's just not a sandwich for me In fact, Huey might just eat it himself That's pretty bad Because it's not too much as a bad sandwich It's just that it's not what you wanted It's not what you expected, and then you don't get it Yeah, exactly, like, oh, I don't like Oh, no, I don't like, oh, you're having it

So it's an etiquette-free sandwich And then you don't get it. Yeah, exactly. Like, oh, I don't like, oh, no, I don't like, oh, you're having it. So it's an etiquette-free sandwich. Yeah, it's a very disappointing sandwich. It's no sandwich at all, really. That's true. The worst thing about this sandwich is it's a sandwich I don't get. Yes. So I feel like that's why Huey would be the worst for me.

Or there's chemist's warehouse pills in it. Are you really up to the sponsor of that particular sandwich. I hope it's a thing of paper towels. I'm like, oh, what's this? Ah, in the sandwich here, it's weird. His sponsor is cat food. Ah, no.

I'm not gonna eat that. Just think of it as tuna. It's not tuna, though. Huey, it's not tuna. It's got, like, bits of prawn and jelly or whatever the hell that is. It's got stuff that makes it good for cats, not good for me. But you need a shiny coat, Jackson. I need a shiny coat, I guess, to impress the judges.

I'll eat the cat food, Huey. That's disgusting. But yes, I feel like, yeah, the biggest problem with Huey cooking me a sandwich is one, he'll burn it. Well, I guess I kind of come out net zero. He'll burn it. He'll fuck up the chicken.

He'll fuck up all the fruit, the vegetables, and then he'll burn the whole thing but then he'll eat it himself yeah so it's kind of like the more he cooks it the less i want it yeah but then in the end i don't have to eat it anyway and huey gets the salmonella because it depends where you were on the idea of like hey a celebrity chef is gonna make you a sandwich and how excited you were yeah very if they were like jackson, Ian Hewitson is going to make you a sandwich, I'd be like, I love that man.

Hughie's cooking adventures, Ian Hewitson? They'd be like, the very same. Then after I've pissed myself out of excitement, he makes me a sandwich that he eats. But then he's like, oh, Jack, I got salmonella. I'm like, well, I guess that was a bullet. You need a big sub, right? I'll cut it in half, but it won't be in half. I'll just have a little bit.

He has the vast majority. But then you still get a bit of the sandwich. Yeah, that's true. That's true. So, look, not too bad. Just wait until he drinks all the wine and then just, like, sneak up and finish it. Finish the sandwich. I'm having this.

I just like the idea of him, like, vomiting and shitting his guts out from all the salmonella, being like, you didn't want it anyway. You don't having this. I just like the idea of him vomiting and shitting his guts out from all the salmonella being like, you didn't want it anyway. You don't need this. I did this for you. I'll sue you, you bastard. What? You demanded this sandwich. All right, Huey.

I'm going to go lie outside with my belly on the hot concrete. Have a good one. Yeah, this is good again. I like that it's both me and Huey after finishing the sandwich, lying with our bellies on the hot concrete. To help with digestion. You guys are just coming in to see the show, and you see us both, and I'm like, this is where I learned it.

And then we're like, Jackson, how was your day? You'd be like, uneventful. Not much. Exactly the same. How was your day? Not much. Right. I'm going to shut the door and leave you outside now.

Yeah. Yeah. Turn me over if it rains. All right, Dusha, who you got? My knowledge of celebrity chefs is honestly very deep. That's great to hear. It's limitless. Limitless, infinite.

So my three biggest strengths in real life. Yeah. Real life. I only live in real life. What are your three biggest strengths in the virtual world? In Tron, what are your three biggest strengths in the virtual world? In Tron, what are your three biggest strengths? My three biggest strengths in Tron. My dick.

Yeah. My left ball. And fucking. Isn't Tron about racing? Why is your right ball left out of the equation? It comes in at number four. Actually, number five. Four's charisma.

So sad, I thought you were going to be like, four's karate. My dick. My left ball. Fucking karate. My right ball. In brackets, not. Anyway. Yeah, go on. Music, movies, not. Anyway. Yeah, go on.

Music, movies, and celebrity chefs. I've seen at least three or four episodes of everything that has a celebrity chef in it. But anyway, my knowledge of this man comes from one gif, and I just don't think I would trust him with a sandwich, and that is Gordon Ramsay. All right. Let me explain this to you. So at some point during his kitchen nightmares, or Hell Hell's Kitchen or some point when he's yelling. Some kitchen hellscape. Cooking Satan or whatever.

The devil went down to my kitchen. He's yelling at his apprentice and he puts two slices of bread on her head and says, say it, say it. And she's like, I'm an idiot sandwich. Putting someone's head in bread is not a sandwich, Gordon Ramsay. Yeah. That is abuse. So I'm scared that if I ask for a sandwich, he just insults me. He just put two pieces of bread on the side of...

There is a sort of idea of like, you know, a chef or someone who makes you food, if they really love the food or they enjoy it, it's like you can kind of feel that they're sort of their love for the food and then there's sort of like this nurturing and nourishment of like this process of cooking for someone and feeding whatever is sort of like transferred and kind of like close bond. Gordon's yelling at that sandwich. Yeah, absolutely. He's making, I'm going to take a bite and be like, I'm getting bad vibes.

It's a bad vibe sandwich. I'm going to be like, oh, I'm getting bad vibes. It's a bad vibe sandwich. You're like, oh. Oh, God. I'm inadequate. What I keep thinking is that when Gordon Ramsay puts the two slices of bread on the woman's head, he puts them on her ears. Yes. Now, imagine someone got a sandwich, and then... So, the bread should go under her chin and on top of her head. Yes.

Gordon Ramsay makes you a sandwich, and then he upright uprights it and all of the innards fall out on the table. A sandwich. It's funny to imagine that. All the innards fall out on the table and then one slice of bread just falls over and the other one just stays up for a bit longer. Then also falls over. And you're gonna eat the whole thing with a spoon. Thanks, Gordon. There you go. That's a fucking sandwich.

Eat your fucking sandwich. Go on. Eat your fucking sandwich or I will come over there and kill you. I will stab you in your fucking head. I will burn your fucking house down if you don't eat this fucking sandwich right now. All right, man. It's not really... I made you a fucking sandwich. You fucking eat that sandwich.

I will come over there. I will kick you in the head nine or ten times till your fucking nose comes clean off. And then I will use that nose, I will kick you in the head Nine or ten times Till your fucking nose comes clean off And then I will use that nose Put it in my next dish Serve it to your child from the future Yes chef, sorry chef Also your kitchen's untidy

And it makes me want to kill myself Gordon, I'm sorry I can just imagine getting like A sandwich Like a white bread and just being like little bits of blood I can just imagine getting a sandwich, like a white bread, and just being little bits of blood. It's sort of a red kind of sauce, which I assume.

I'm like, oh, what is this? And just look over, and there's Gordon Ramsay just bleeding from his eyes in fury, dripping everywhere. And I'm like, I don't want to eat this. No, thank you. The reason I wouldn't want to eat the sandwich

is the guilt that would come with it. imagine you're in the restaurant you're just sitting outside at a table and you just hear the abuse being screamed in the kitchen you're like this sandwich doesn't come from a good home do you think you're fucking clever like oh my god abuse kitchen coming 2019 but it's also funny to be like oh yeah wait yeah i'll just grab the uh You think you're fucking clever? Like, oh my god Gordon Ramsay's Abuse Kitchen Coming 2019 But it's also funny to be like Oh yeah, wait a minute Yeah, I'll just grab the BLT

Yeah, no worries I'll just pass it over to the kitchen Hey kitchen, they've just ordered a BLT It'll be with you shortly Like, no matter how good that sandwich comes out Even if it's perfect You're still gonna be like It came, it just went through so much

to get to my plate. It's like a big fist brit in the middle. Or just like a donker that's like, I killed four chefs for this. Oh. Okay.

That's a lot of loss of life for one sandwich. there's a tooth just inside. Because you're not going to say anything. You're not going to go to the kitchen and be like ah, because one, you don't want to see the blood bar.

Two, you don't want to be like, I've had a tooth in my sandwich and Gordon Ramsay just turns around breathing heavily out of his nostrils. Oh, did you? But I love it! Thank you for the tooth, Sammy! Ow! You ate that tooth for fear of incurring Gordon Ramsay's wrath.

Absolutely. Well, what's your ideal sandwich? Well, one that's not born out of abuse is good stuff. But I don't know. See, when I make my own sandwiches, I'm happy with just basic stuff, which is also probably why Gordon Ramsay is not going to be good for me in this situation. Because if I'm just like, yeah, look, ham and cheese sandwich, please. He'll be like, a fucking ham and cheese sandwich?

Are you some kind of fucking idiot? You come into my restaurant. Oh, my God. No. No. I order a ham and cheese fucking sandwich. And he just rips your throat. It's going to be worse.

He's going to be like, all right. And then you're just going to see him leave, and you're going to follow him, and outside there's just going to be a pig. Oh, yeah. A live pig, which he will then yell abuse at. Until it shits a slice of ham. And then just beat it until it makes the ham that you want

because I guess that's his MO. He just wants abuse all around. Alternatively, he walks me outside and he's like, I have my cheese sandwich. Just slaps two pieces of bread on the pig's head. What's this? Say it. Say it. He's got a pig and a cow a cow's udder and he

puts the pig's head next to the cow's udder bread on either side what is it i guess a ham and cheese sandwich start eating oh my god oh eating an udder is fucking disgusting. No, that's all right. It'd just be like chewing gum. Why is all the food stuff we do yuck? Mine was fine. I can just imagine Gordon Ramsay just angrily milking a cow. It's just very easy to imagine. You're hurting it, Gordon. Gordon, I wanted a ham and cheese sandwich, but not like this.

That's great as well, because it takes a while for milk to become cheese. So, like, enjoy. Enjoy waiting for the milk to fucking... I don't know how cheese happens. Curdle? Curdle? Ferment? How do you get cheese? Grow?

You put it in a cave, I know that much. Blend it. You mix it with butter? Yeast? I don't like the, like, butter. P-p-p-p-p-piss? Is it milk and cow piss? It's cultures, and you've got to let it sit.

Mix cultures? Oh, right. Mix different cultures from across the globe together, and you've got to let it sit. Mix cultures? Oh, right. Mix different cultures from across the globe together, and you get cheese. Exactly. Bring an Italian and an American together, and oh, cheese. That's how it happens. That's how it happens.

The idea of Gordon Ramsay for whatever sandwich you want, just getting a slice of bread on either side of the raw ingredients is great. Although not too bad in a lot of situations. You like a jam sandwich, you just put it on either side of a strawberry. That's just one strawberry. It's not good. But it's not like you're not eating an udder. But it would be like a bruised strawberry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Either way, you're getting bad vibes. And even if, like, look, sometimes, like, hey, you don't want to know how, like, whatever's made in the kitchen, whatever that phrase that I can't think of right now. If you want to know how the steak is made, don't look in the kitchen or some shit. The best sandwiches come fresh from the farm. Straight from the cow and the pig.

Straight from the cow to your... To chew it with your lips and teeth. That's it. That's what they say. Any restaurant in the country, they'll have those two phrases on the wall. It'll be embroidered on a patch of leather that has come straight from a calf. Patch of leather? Oh, right.

Chewing something with your lips is just such a strange image. So, yeah, even if you don't get the abuse. Yeah, even though you just know that's where it's come from, you're going to be hearing it, and it might be a perfect sandwich, but I just feel it's just going to be full of bad vibes. Exactly. Yeah, your two scenarios are you have to eat an udder and a pig's head, which I don't know if you're capable of, Dushan. I mean, like, look, You're good at karate and fucking

Only in Tron But I just don't know if you could eat an entire pig's head I don't think I could eat a bit of a pig's head I think that if someone was like eat this pig's head I'd be like The worst part is the pig's alive so it's struggling It's squealing in your mouth I'd pretend to bite it

But then I'd give a little kiss on the head And be like it's okay pig And then I'd karate chop And then twist kiss on the head. I'm like, it's okay, pig. And then I karate chop. Gordon Ramsay. And then twist. We were in Tron. I'm good at karate. Then it's me v. Gordon Ramsay.

I just like the idea of you kiss it, and then you pull out one of those Tron discs. And so just Gordon Ramsay. You have a Tron fight in the alleyway. Run, pig. And then after fighting for a bit, and he's overpowering me. I'm like, wow, I wish I didn't spend all my stat points on fucking. Can't fuck your way out of this one, Jolder. Why did I power up my left ball so much?

How did I ever think that would help me? Yeah, look, not great. Not a good sandwich. Not a sandwich that I would recommend to any of my friends or family. I like that neither of us actually really got the sandwich. No. You had to fight your way out. Out of Tron. Out of Tron, and Huey just shatters up in the bathroom.

And then you just put your hot bellies on the top. Huey, is this safe? Yeah. Big plane nearly hits us. Oh, that was warm. I understand now Huey Yeah he just gives me a knowing nod He's like but make sure when it rains Roll over yeah It's good to fill your mouth with water

Pallant cleanser Thanks for educating me Huey I'm gonna choose Heston Bloomumenthal. Oh, from MasterChef Australia? Is he? No. You're thinking of not Heston Blumenthal.

What does he look like? He's sort of bald with glasses. He makes all the creative food. He dildos jelly. Yeah. I'm pretty sure he is in MasterChef. Maybe. Not in Australia, MasterChef.

He might have been a guest, George. Potentially. Because, honestly, they always are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Heston is a good cook. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's very creative. He's just like, I want to make every meal an experience.

He's going to be like, hey, did you think this was one thing? It's not. It's something else. He's going to make me a dessert that looks exactly like a cheese and tomato sandwich. And I'm going to be like, sick, a cheese and tomato sandwich. I'm going to bite into that, and it's not going to be a cheese and tomato sandwich. You're going to be like, oh, the cheese was, I guess, custard all along. Yeah.

And the tomatoes were flat strawberries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be like the bread, which I think is perfectly golden and cooked. It's actually like vanilla ice cream with like a maple glaze. Oh, man. The cheese is going to be some kind of deep caramel. And the tomatoes, you're right. They're going to be some kind of concoction made out of strawberries. And it's going to look exactly like a cheese and tomato sandwich.

I'm no longer going to be trusting food, douche. It's going to ruin things for me. I'm going to be trusting food douche it's going to ruin things for me i'm gonna be like sick joel's i'm a fierce food what is this delicious like i don't know sausage i'm gonna bite into it and it's gonna be like some kind of chocolate ganache yeah and like i'm gonna be like oh okay it's nice but not what i expected and it's not even like like so yes often he does do things where he's like, oh, you thought this was a savory dish? Well, actually, it's a dessert. But also he does crazy shit sometimes where he's like, you thought this was a regular pie?

It was full of actual birds. Yeah. So like, you don't even know, you might bite into a sausage and find out it's full of snakes or something. He's basically a food magician. He's basically a food devil. He's devil magic ruining my food. You don't know what's real and what... Look, maybe

I don't get the sandwich I want and Huey fucks it up. Maybe you get punched in the mouth, Dusha. But he'll ruin reality for you, Salmon. You don't know what... I mean, only food related, but you won't know what's real. I could say, go into my house. I put my key in the

front door it doesn't quite work because he's now made my whole front door a sandwich my whole house is a sandwich i'm like you son of a bitch i like that this is not so much him making you what if what if he misinterprets the instruction instead Instead of making you a sandwich, he makes you a sandwich. Hey, can you make me a sandwich? No problem. I'm so goddamn low-key. He's going to make, like, a life-size version of me, but a sandwich. I was just imagining he puts you between two pieces of bread and toast.

Or he makes man meat out of meat. That's the Bliblethorpe making a big sandwich you. It's great. And he's like, this is the new you now. He's taking over. What? He has your job. He will live your life. Your ex-wife is now his ex-wife. Damn.

I mean, good. I don't lose. I kind of come up with a net win, maybe? He has puzzled you with that statement. It's already working. Hearing like a wet knock at the door, and we open it up, and there's Sandwich Zammert, and we're like, hey, man.

Hi, Zammert. How are you? Classic. Can't wait to record today, bro. Jackson's just outside with his belly on the tarmac. With Huey. And you have no teeth. I have no teeth, but my dick's sore from all the fucking intron.

So yeah, it's just a normal Monday. Basic day at the Sandspans HQ. Yeah, I just feel like that... I'm trying to think of the different Heston Blumenthal Feasts that he makes Cause he just, he goes through so many You're never gonna know if your cutlery is cutlery Or chocolate, cause every fucking time he makes

Any dessert, he's like Oh, and you can eat the forks Heston, how else will I eat the pudding If my fork is also food There's gonna be a point there where I'm just going to, you know. Do you ever watch his Christmas one? I don't think so. Where he just like made like, they get the essence of Christmas.

And so a lot of things had like, he got like from the song. It's like, yeah, like roasting chestnuts. So he got like the scent of roasting chestnuts. Okay. And did all this kind of stuff. So what I fear for my guest to make me a sandwich, he's going to try and work out what the essence of a sandwich is and make a whole experience out of that.

That's true. It's going to be like, this is the sound of bread rising. He's going to play it through tiny speakers. I don't know where they're being. He's going to be like put on this helmet. Yeah. And then that helmet will pump in the smells of cheese, quietly grilling, and the...

I mean, it doesn't sound too bad. It's all right. It's not good. Like, it'll just shock me, because I'll be like, where are those sounds coming from? I don't know where they are. Then he'll be like, and now, because the best time to eat delicious sandwich is, you know, with the Tuscan sun,

and somehow click a button and there it is and i'm like the whole where we're eating is just bathing this beautiful yellow i'm like how did you do this i don't remember getting imagine playing yes imagine you relive the rest of your life always hearing the sound of cheese grilling like always in the background and you're always smelling bread rising and you're always what else goes what's your ideal sandwich let's see if we can get the essence of your ideal sandwich to torture your life very simple as uh jd but just i really just like just a simple cheese tomato pepper sandwich it's been toasted that is a good. That is a good sandwich. That is a good sandwich. Gets the job done.

Not too hard to make. Fuck. What a sandwich. No salt? Just pepper? Yeah. You have a little bit of salt, but not really. Salty sandwich, though. Think about it. But the pepper on tomatoes. Alright, well, what's the essence of pepper? What?

Think about it. It's pepper. Yeah, but what's the essence of pepper? Has some plumanthal it. It's pepper. Yeah, but what's the essence of pepper? Heston Blumenthal, the sound of pepper. The smell. Oh, the smell. You're constantly saying. Well, it'd be like the smell, but also the grinding.

True. Oh, grinding in the distance. Just. What's horrible about that is, you know, Heston is dedicated to ruining your life. You're like, this is beyond just like an artistic exercise for you heston you're just evil i like that in this situation i went to actual tron and i'm my reality's fine well that's easy you're like cool there's a real world and there's tron zamit's like i don't know what the real world is it's the matrix it's real world but is it it It's like if Agent Smith was a sandwich. It's like, hey, is that actually carpet or just spaghetti?

I don't know. I just don't know. I just don't know. We would find the way things would really reach their point is we'd find you eating the house. But it's just a house. And you're like, he's made me a new sandwich. Where he's like, I find somebody. Fall in love.

We get married. We have a kid. A child. She gives's like, I find somebody. Fall in love. We get married. We have a kid. A child. She gives birth. It's a sub. We raise that child. Put that child through school. At graduation, Hester's gonna come out and be like, and here's your sandwich. And that was my boy! You're gonna have to eat your baby. It is done.

What? Your sandwich is done. As your wife and your child hug each other, he's like, and the sandwich is complete. What? Eat away, Joel Zammett. You look back and they've both just, it just fused together, became sandwiches. Somehow

they are just a big sandwich now and you don't know what happened. And you're like like the ingredients came together it's just simple chemistry Joel Zammett Joel Zammett just take a bite the worst part is you take a bite crying through tears and the last thing he's like

this is the best fucking sandwich I've ever eaten in my life through tears Aston's just like you're god damn right so I mean It's a bad sandwich In the sense that He destroyed your reality

But it was a good sandwich At the end It wasn't quite delicious Still it would be tasty It's real tasty Like I don't know I mean I thought I was in love

Alright I thought I had a kid How? No It's just Simple chemistry Okay Simple chemistry

But also that's the art of food You gotta love your food You gotta You gotta raise your food Before you can enjoy your food Alright that's the art of food You gotta love your food You gotta You gotta raise your food Before you can enjoy your food Alright that's the essence of a sandwich Is it? Is it?

I don't know if it's true Heston But I'm gonna keep eating It is very good I like to imagine us in the crowd Do you feel like Cause we're at Zammert's kids graduation Of course And I'm just like leaning over

I'm like did you know this was gonna happen? Yeah I went to Tron. Same. Your belly's still on a costume. Yes, fuck. I like to imagine I'm lying on the, where everybody needs to walk

past to go up and receive. This ground's not hot enough, but I'm dedicated. Everyone's got to step up. Huey's in the crowd, give me the thumbs up. Huey's doing that. I might mind Huey's doing step over me. Hughie's in the crowd, give me the thumbs up. Hughie's doing that. I might mind Hughie's doing it from heaven. It's a while in the future. Hughie's old, he died, but he's still my mentor.

Thanks, Hughie. Hughie and Jesus Christ, bellies out, give me your thumbs up. I don't think there is a winner or a loser in this situation, because all sandwiches in this situation equally bad two no sandwiches and one life ruining

sandwich but you got lunch that day and we did not so it all evens out to us 5 out of 10 experience for all and on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson and I've also been Joel eat the fucking sandwich eat the fucking sandwich. Eat the fucking sandwich.

Okay. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio. Or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to S to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content

there there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com uh thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses