Plumbing the Death Star - Which Childhood Hero Struggles to Make the Adjustments to Adult Life the Best?

Episode Date: March 29, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, which childhood hero struggles to make the adjustments to adult life? Or adult life, whatever I say. The best. The best.

What is meant by the best? Who struggles the most yes okay okay who struggles to make the adjustments into adult life the most the most but i said the best but he's the best he's the best and struggling to make it yeah he's the best struggling you know no one struggled more than that kid positive or negative you can be good at things someone can be good at being sad yeah you can be the best at being the worst that's possible

that's the trophy that I've been gunning for my whole life well I picked the kids from Honey I Shrunk the Kids because I think the worst thing about that is that it's a real thing that happened to them but something no therapist will ever believe if you're like sitting down you know across from

your therapist and you're like yes uh as a child i became tiny and then big well okay you're saying that no no therapist would believe them however in a future episode dealing with the father one of the babies gets real big surely that would have made the news and you'd be like oh like that big baby but small oh i suppose that did actually i guess the thing that for me was the negative is also in many ways positive yeah but if you but also i mean therapists will still struggle. because again, they'll be like, oh, it definitely happened. We know.

You're the son or daughter of that crazy... or neighbor. Yeah, isn't it neighbor? Or neighbor of that crazy guy that made his kid

real big. What do you think is going to be harder to deal with as an adult? Being made tiny or being made big as a baby? Big as a baby, you might forget it happened.

Big as a baby. Tiny's way worse also because the threat in Honey, I Blew Up the Kid is that the baby is wrecking the town. That's true. Not that. Although the- Because when you're tiny- Do you think that baby, when they're an adult,

is going to be afraid of the military? They're going to be like, I just have this feeling that they want to take me down. I don't know, because I'm trying to- Do you fear that baby, when they're an adult, is going to be afraid of the military? Is he going to be like, I just have this feeling that they want to take me down? I don't know, because I'm trying to... Do you fear the military? A bit. Well, that's fine. But not because I think they see me as a threat to mankind.

I think being made big as a baby would be kind of fine, because you'd be addressed, because your brain still kind of... It's malleable. If anything, you're not there. I went to the pool recently, the recreational bit, and I'm like, man, this is tiny,

but as a kid it was so big. And everyone was like, yeah, you idiot, you were smaller. And I was like, oh. I got big. I got big. Honey, I blew up the kid slowly over 20 years. So I guess for the baby looking at... Was it New York?

Being like, man, New York is tiny. Man, New York's so little baby looking at New York being like, man, New York is tiny. Man, New York's so little. No, New York's so big. It used to be so little. It's definitely not New York. It's like a Seattle so little. Honey, I shrunk the kidsville. It's just like a town.

But honey, I... Or as a baby, you could just explain it in ways like it was toys I was playing with Yeah absolutely Until you'd see news footage And be like What an insane thing To discover down the track If you got really

Your parents had hid from you Really really really big As a baby Like that doesn't really Like That doesn't really Impact you that much I know that that seems

Like an insane thing to say I reckon I reckon it would I don't know what you mean though Like what happened in that If you found insane thing to say. I reckon it would. I don't know what you mean, though. If you found out that, like... Your parents had hidden it from you. Did the military attack? What happened to Big Baby?

No, there is no sitting in on you. I've brought the kids with the military. They're like, we've got to nuke this baby. What happened to Big Baby? Were he big? So he's growing bigger and bigger, and he gets quicker and quicker and quicker, and they're racing against time to try and stop him

he's the quick big baby he's quick big baby yeah yeah see he starts off baby sized and then he gets hit and then he gets a little bit bigger

and they're like hmm and then as the day progresses he starts getting bigger and bigger and bigger yeah we should do something about that big baby but yeah I think

it would be bad if he found out that like you killed people or stuff like that that's true but if there's no casualties because I think the big baby killed some people yeah I doubt it I be bad if you found out you killed people or stuff like that. That's true. But if there's no casualties... Because I think the big baby killed some people, yeah? I doubt it.

I feel like it just didn't by virtue of the film. I think also the baby's pretty happy the whole time. The baby's never really upset, like maybe at the very end, but you barely remember that. But being shrunk... As a teen. As a teen, when your hormones are going crazy, you have a fear of ants. I know they like ants. They would have a fear of scorpions. Yeah a teen, when your hormones are going crazy, you have a fear of ants.

I know they like ants. They would have a fear of scorpions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have a fear of ants. Well, no, because they befriend an ant. An ant saves their life. Do you think you'd repress it? The events of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids?

The neighbor and one of the kids, and one of the Solanskys, Wayne Solanskys? Yeah, I think Solanskys, start dating so they are united through their trauma so they wouldn't

really block that out tragedy got them together how'd you meet tragedy I would be no we met through

being neighbours oh yeah we just also happened to be shrunk at some point yeah and that's when we had our first smooch

in a fucking oh no what are they in it might even be like a pencil sharpener or something like that it's something that's when we had our first smooch. I think I'd stop. Oh, no. What are they in? It might even be like a pencil sharpener or something like that. It's something that's got little holes in it. It's a Lego block. They hook up in a Lego block. Weird associations for the rest of your life.

Do you reckon they'd look fondly at Lego? I feel like I would. Not necessarily. Do you look fondly at wherever you had your first kiss? Where was I? Yeah, see, there we go. No, not really. It's not like you're like, oh, I hooked up at a school.

At cinema. I do have fond associations with cinema. Might be more at cinema, though. Less about smooches. It's like if you had your first smooch at school. It's not like when you drive past a school, you're like, oh, I'm a bit hard now. That's just not what the human brain does. It's nice that you can get hard just from smooching.

Of course. Yeah, as a teen, you're boning up when you're smooching. That's kind of how things usually kick off. Man, it's kicking off, babe. It's kicking off. Half chub, yes. I think I would be scared it was going to happen again and I'd stop trusting my dad.

Oh, yeah, no, I've stopped trusting my dad instantaneously. I might have moved out. I might leave home. What's that called when you divorce your parents? Emancipation. Yeah, emancipation. Emancipate your dad. The fantabulous emancipation of one Joel Zambit.

Yes. Sorry, dad. Sorry, dad. I'm in. You made me, Tony. I could have been eaten by a rat. How long was I missing until you noticed? Too long was the answer.

Yeah, there's going to be a lot of like weird family. You're going to have to go to therapy as a family. Absolutely. So you can build that trust again. I'd be scared of anything science related and gun related. What's wild is that the parents stay together even though they're on the rocks before it happens. Yeah, no marriage, no matter what the show shows you, no marriage can survive shrinking your kids. Yeah, if your marriage is like 100%

tipped up, if you are like, you know, entwined and you're like perfect, if you shrink a kid, yeah, that's on the rocks. If right now they're on the rocks because he is irresponsible because of science. Yeah. So, no, as in like it should be worse. It should have instantly been a divorce.

Yeah, yes, I agree. That's fucked up. If I shrunk Dusha right now, that would ruin the friendship we all have. We're not a family. No, it's more of like, Jackson, could you stop bringing all your wacky inventions and leaving them around? I have a problem. And then we kind of have the intervention about that. And then you just leave one around, it goes off, and then shrinks Dusha. Yeah, then we're like okay we warned you and now you've fucked up one of your good friends seriously when you're tiny dude shut up

sorry man crawl inside your dick hole and then hopefully try and get big and explode oh my god it's like a candero, but a man. Doctor, you are not going to believe what's in my penis. Put a stethoscope up and they can, yeah, they're putting a stethoscope on your dick and they can just hear, fuck you! Fuck you! Oh my god, that was round and big, Doctor. I don't think that's how you do it, dude. Ah! Doctor takes his mask off. It's Joel Zammett.

We've just agreed to torture your penis as punishment. Oh my god, douche is dead. Oh shit. Yeah, he got smushed by the stethoscope. Then we have to go to a real doctor. You are really not gonna believe this, doc. And don't put a stethoscope up my penis.

It's already happened once, Dan. Now my friend's dead. It's just dangling from the tip. I don't think I can fit another one in there, okay? And my friend's dead in there, and I don't know what to tell his family. All right, we've had a rough day. He is not going to survive to adulthood.

None of us are. We're only teens, apparently. Yeah, so I think that once you've been shrunk, I mean, you would just be terrified of like, they'd probably have a fear of their backyard. Yeah, absolutely. Do you think you'd think it was going to happen again? Yes.

It would be on my mind. Guess what dad doesn't stop doing. That's true. Because what is the shrink? It looks like a gun. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a laser.

It's like a large hadron collider. Yeah. Like I would just be terrified of any new thing that came out. Yeah. Like any kind of new technology. I might go like, yeah, I might just shut myself off from technology. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like kind of like live in a cave somewhere. Sir, Jackson, you've picked this, but this is also your ideal day. That's true. So if getting shrunk, having an adventure, then getting big, how would you have dealt with that? Me, I would be sad that I got big at any point. I'd be like, Dad, put me back in. Yeah. I want to fight an ant but if it was me i'd also died when i was tiny so it's kind of a moot point yeah got small died small got small

rats would have been terrified absolutely because even like a little answer animals in general it's basically i mean like yeah i think you'd end up just living a a shelter not a shelter what's the Absolutely. Because even like a little ant. Animals in general. It's basically, I mean, like. Yeah, I think you'd end up just living a shelter. Not a shelter. What's the word where you kind of cut yourself off from technology? Yeah, kind of become a hermit, possibly. Or like a Luddite. Luddite.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just kind of like shut yourself off from technology. Kind of go back to the old ways of doing things. Yeah, you might have like a flip phone, but you'd be scared of iPhones. Yeah. Yeah, I think it would. Is there an Amish you'd be scared of iPhones. Yeah. Yeah. I think it would. Is there an Amish community around? Maybe join them.

Yeah. But you'd also be scared of, I don't know. I'm trying to think of like a real world equivalent, which I guess is being like dropped into a safari and they're being like. You might end up agoraphobic. Yeah, that's true. The outside would be. Well, another weird thing that would be a side effect

is you would have an understanding of the world beneath your feet in a way that normal people don't. Oh, yeah. You could walk into the backyard and you're like, there are friendly ants down here. I am killing. I am doing big murders. Absolutely.

Here's what I'd be scared of, that there were other tiny kids in the grass that I might kill with my big clomping feet. Yeah, because I was thinking you'd kind of go the route of like Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley in that movie where they go and join the Amish because they're on the run from the tax department. Sure. And just figure just do that life. What's that movie called? But because, yeah, you're right. You'd be like, what if there are, A, you'd have that connection with the land

and all the tiny, like, everything that's happening there. And also, yeah, the fear of, like, what if my dad's doing it to the neighbors? Absolutely. Just letting you know, I have to check out of this episode briefly until I remember what that movie is called. I saw your eyes glaze. It's like a little bit of, like, you kryptonite.

Someone describe a movie poorly, he'll try and figure out what it is. For richer or poorer? I think that might be it. He's not happy with the answer though. Something, something, something. Goldush's brain, everything else shuts off and all power is diverted to the movie section. Remembering a movie that I don't think I've seen.

It's not good. Jungle to Jungle's good though. Tim Allen, kid, Jungle. Yeah, yeah, I remember. Concrete Jungle, that's one of the jungles Jungle to Jungle is good, though. Tim Allen, Kid Jungle. Yeah, yeah, I remember. Concrete Jungle, that's one of the jungles. Jungle Jungle is the other jungle. He goes from jungle to jungle. Yeah, if you look carefully at the title, it's a twofer.

It's a classic sneaky twofer of two jungles. Does that movie have breasts in it? Probably. No. Why do I associate that with being horny? I don't know. What's going on? There might be, because his kid is from the jungle,

there might be- It is for Rich or Poor. Hey, I nailed it. Well done. I'm the king of, I was going to say comedy, but movies. Film. The silver screen. King of comedy.

Oh, yeah. Look at that. That's a good movie. You might associate it, because the kids from the jungle, they might be basically Amazonian stereotypes. Yeah, maybe. Were they gorilla titties? I don't know.

Something about that movie in my brain, I'm like, horniness. I don't know why. I like associating random movies with being horny. That's good. It must have happened when I was younger. I don't know. I'll look into it. Yeah, that's good.

Anyway, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids is my choice. It's terrifying. I think it'll be rough. I don't know how you'd grow up. What kind of job would you have afterwards? I don't know. How would you cope with your day-to-day life? Can you get any reparations from anywhere?

You are a victim of a crime, right? Yeah, that's true. I think you would have to be repeating the mantra to yourself, I'm not going to be shrunk again every day. You might become kind of like almost buddhist in your treatment of like nature's little or potentially or you go the other way and like life is meaningless and you start stomping around can i describe what i think is a reoccurring nightmare yes uh the third film in the trilogy honey i shrunk us yeah because i

think the honey i shrunk the kids are gonna kids are gonna have nightmares about their dad and shrinking and then when their dad shrinks they're gonna be like this is my nightmare come to life that whole family is fucked and also like so dad saves the day in first one because like he could have fixed the shrinking almost straight away but because he comes home and he's upset about being mocked at a conference, he breaks the machine. So a lot of the issues come from him breaking the machine again. You're also never going to trust your dad because clearly

he still kept the machine. You're going to be like, that which caused me trauma, dad. You still have up in your death attic. But he did make a machine that made organic matter tiny and then big. He did also lock the door. The kids just went into a room they knew they weren't meant to go into. I suppose.

Maybe Rick Moranis did nothing wrong. Wayne Solansky, innocent. Surely that has implications for the rest of society. Well, that's the thing. That's why they mock him because they're like, this would change everything, but you can't do it. It's impossible. Fuck you.

But he can't do it. That's true. First thing, kids, you're either going to emancipate yourself from your family because you're like, I don't want to deal with this, and you're trying to get as far away from it as possible. Neighbors are moving. Yes, absolutely. 100%. Maybe you sue your dad.

You'd sue your dad. But then the repercussions of you suing your dad, you're taking him to court, then it comes out that he actually did make a shrink ray. Yeah, that's going to be rough because your dad's success is going to overshadow any ill feelings you have toward him. So you could potentially make millions.

We're talking about the therapist not believing you. The therapist believes you fine. It's the lawyers that are going to be the issue because if you prove that he does have a shrinking ray, then you're fucked. But if you can't prove does have a shrinking ray, then you're fucked. But if you can't prove he has a shrinking ray, then they're going to be like, well, you're a liar, then you're

fucked. Because if you prove he's got a shrinking ray, then he can sell the technology. Surely you would get right to the shrinking ray, right? No. Why? I don't know. Yeah, it's sure you're working. I was confident, and then I was like, no confident Because you upset your children Well, no

It would be to do something with like Well, you use a shrinking ray on the kids And they've experienced all this trauma Now you have to kind of like Keep the preparations So a way to do that would be Selling the Doing something with the shrink ray

Making money, give money to kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the kind of leap I went, but it's strange. I mean, I guess it makes sense. It's just that the money that Wayne Slazinski. Slansky. Slansky makes from selling the shrink ray he gives to his kids. So they're going to end up rich and bitter.

Yes. Rich and bitter and scared of scorpions. Who's buying that? I don't know The military? Oh no Shrink your enemies, put them in a jar Shake the jar, they're dead

Oh my god War has changed Oh now we've got downsize me Yeah Downsize me It's cool that you mixed downsize and supersize me Downsize me. Yeah. Downsize me. It's cool that you mix downsize and supersize me. Downsize me. I've heard that if I downsize myself one inch every day for a year,

that's not good for me. Yeah. Hey, Maccas, I would like a large meal. Would you like that small? Yes. For another dollar? Do you want it tinier? Of course!

Naturally! Alright, so, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, look, they're gonna... Look, rich, bitter, and scared of scorpions probably describes a lot of people. Terribly unique to the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Rich, bitter, scared of scorpions, not talk with your parents. You know what? They're actually traumatic. That's a long sentence.

You can just say rich. Yeah. But on the trauma scale, it's up there. Yeah. It's high, but yeah, look,

I think it's worse. Yeah. I think that like, even though it is quite fantastical, I think that it is possible because it's just one bad day. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. That's all it takes. Oh my God. The kids are the jokers. Society is the problem. The kids are the problem. Dad is society. Yeah.

The kids are falling down. Oh, no. That filled my life from the 90s. Oh, no. Someone was rude to him at McDonald's. Now he's killed 30 people or whatever. Now he's got a bazooka and blew up construction work. That's good.

I hate that construction work. Falling good. I hate that construction work. Falling down. I've lost what we're talking about. There's been too many movies this episode. I think a childhood hero is going to have the best worst time. Number one at the worst. Number one at the worst is Franklin Richards. Fantastic four.

Mr. Richards, baby boy. Mr. Richards, Mr. Swoostorms. Baby boy, Franklin Richards. He's one of the most powerful mutants in the world. This is derailing everything straight away. Does Sue ever change her last name to Richards? Is she ever Sue Richards or is she Sue Storm? I respect both. I'm just curious. I think it is just Sue Storm. That's great.

Keep your last name clean. Are they ever referred to as Mr. and Mrs. Fantastic? Because I hate that. I think they might be, but mockingly. Oh, that's good. As long as someone's making fun of the Fantastic Four. It's shocking to hear that I'm in the Fantastic Four comics, just as a guy.

Oh, here comes Mr. and Mrs. Fantastic. So what I'm going to base this on is the Heroes Reborn storyline. Okay. So this is mostly after about, so Xavier becomes evil for a bit. Classic. Mind wipes, Magneto. Sure. A bit of Magneto evil bit go into Xavier brain.

Classic. Xavier become a bad dude. Onslaught. Onslaught. Yeah. And then Xavier splits from that entity and that entity in and of itself is just onslaught and evil. Red and blue Superman, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what happens is he's like, right, we need to destroy this onslaught. So he just becomes this big thing of psionic energy. Sure. And they're like, well, he's got no physical form to attack, so what are we going to do? And then Thor, the golden-haired, beautiful idiot, is like, I will go into the center of the storm, suck it all

up, and you can hit me! So he does that like a goddamn king. So everyone's like, yeah. Thor's plan is to die. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's like, smack the shit out of Thor, and everyone's like, mmm. Wait a second. Wait a second. There's a lot of energy, and Thor ain't holding it all. Alright, everyone into

the psychic storm! And everyone everyone into the psychic storm. And everyone goes in the psychic storm except the mutants because apparently that will just empower Onslaught. So then all the heroes get caught in the psychic storm. And all the mutants have to kill them, which is hilarious. What comics are dumb? Go on. And so then they all die.

But then Franklin Richards is like, no, the people that went in there were like, all my friends, friends of my family, also my family. So I'm going to make a whole new world for them to live in. A whole new world. A little blue ball. So he makes a little blue ball. Here is Reborn Universe and all the he's his family and friends and that

they live in there and they live their life and they do that jazz for like 12 or 13 issues so look all good

yeah I'm here I'm up to speed one thing that bothers me a lot though when you're creating pocket universes why are they always fucking little ball things

yeah round like earth dude like earth dude come on think think poof what are you gonna make it a square that's not the shape of the planet little ball things. Yeah. Like Earth, dude. Like Earth, dude. Come on, man. Think, think, poo, think. What, are you going to make it a square? That's not the shape of the planet.

You idiot. No, I'm just, why a little round? Like, why? It's just annoying. Pick a different, anything. Because his favourite thing to play with was a blue ball, I think. Okay, at least I explained it. That makes me angrier, though.

But, you know what? It might not be. I'm angrier now because my nitpicky issue was discussed, which is annoying, and the answer I was given was even more infuriating. May I just remind you the answer was by me? Yeah, that's true. Man Who claimed that it's...

I can't remember what he claimed before earlier in the episode, but it was something that I disagreed with strongly. It was a toy that Franklin... Anywho. Yes. So you've made the Heroes Reborn universe. And then after a while, they just come back. Sure.

Now, Franklin is a kid. He doesn't really know what he's done, but in essence, he's defeated death. Yeah, that's pretty intense for a child. He had to watch his good friend's kid killed by his other good friends, and his reaction to that was to, I guess, make it better by separating his friends and family from, I guess, those evil mutants. Here's what I think is going to be Franklin Richards' biggest roadblock is that I can't imagine Reed Richards believes in therapy. Oh, he doesn't.

Yeah. He tries to, like, in more the recent kind of issues, he's trying to cure Franklin of all kinds of things. Plus he low-jacked him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, obviously, creating life and destroying life with a flick of your wrist is bad for a kid. But I think having Mr. Fantastic as your dad is way worse. Oh, 100%. Also, just before he makes that whole new world, he has...

The whole new world. Also, just before he makes that whole new world, he has his imaginary friend, but not really imaginary friend. His imaginary friend is like a little boy called Charlie, which just happens to be Onslaught. So he gets betrayed by his own imaginary friend. Oh, my God. Just kind of suck. Charlie, like Charles.

Like Charles Xavier. Like Onslaught. So, yeah. So he's betrayed by his imaginary best friend. He has to witness all his good friends and family die. If you have trauma from being betrayed by his imaginary best friend. He has to witness all his good friends and family die. If you have trauma from being betrayed by your imaginary best friend, grow up. You imagined that.

That's on you to begin with. He thought it was an imaginary best friend, but it was actually Charles and Tavia. Did he ever discover that it was real? Grow up! I think it was realised that it was Onslaught. I don't know, because I'm saying that he's good friends and family, but I don't know if he...

Because they're all adults. I'm guessing you'd look at them more as his uncle? Yeah, I'm thinking if every... Friends of my family died when I was seven, I would be like, I'm sad because there's a lot of death for me, a seven-year-old. And that's the thing, you did get kidnapped by Onslaught for a bit. Yeah.

I think, again, Franklin Richards' just basic life is going to be the biggest, the hardest part for him to deal with. And that's just Onslaught. Now we're talking about him and his whole family tripping off into multiverses, trying to deal with alien bullshit. Imagine Franklin Richards trying to date. Just like on a regular date with a regular human being. And they're like, Richards.

And you're like, yeah. And they're like, so you've been to, I don't know. But not even that. Not even bringing it up. What did you do today? You've got to be like, I killed a worm in space. I repopulated six different planets using my powers that alter reality.

Yeah, and she's like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Also, there's like a dictator that wants to kill me. Yeah, imagine knowing that as well. Imagine trying to go through puberty when you know that. Oh, yeah. Fuck. There's a dictator that wants to kill me over there.

There's like a fat little head under the ground that pops up every now and again. Also wants to kill me. Who's that? Mole Man. How is Mole Man still alive? I hate the Fantastic Four. Mole Man seems like the easiest guy to kill. Yeah, but he's got

mole loins or whatever. Step one, buy a hammer. Step two, wait. Fucking whack a mole. Wack a mole, that motherfucker. Brains, mole man with a hammer, it's easy. I'll fucking do it, I got no powers. Yeah, but he's got weird little mole hands. Yeah, I got a fucking hammer.

But then he's got like a big mole boy that comes on. I have a hammer. Joel Hamadocha, he's got a hammer mole man. Yeah, most of the fucking, you can take out most villains with a hammer. Joel Hamadosh. He's got a hammer moment. Yeah. Most of the fucking, you can take out most villains with a hammer. It's true. Yeah. Yeah.

No, you are not wrong. Absolutely. Even Juggernaut, you just turn the hammer around to lift up his helmet. Then brains him. Claw his hat off. Boom.

Oh no. I'm not unstoppable anymore. My greatest weakness, hammer. You've clawed my big hat off. And then, having him in the soft part of his brain. And hammers.

Yes, get him good. So yeah, I think Franklin would just have like, yeah, apart from all, I guess I was going with the onslaught trauma, but yeah, just having Reed as your forgetful, neglectful father. Just having the powers that Franklin Richards has fucks him for

life oh yeah and then on top of that though Reed is your dad you don't even need you can peel back as many layers as we want just the fact that you can alter reality fucks yes yes and cause it's not like I think the problem with the alter reality is bad but I think the problem with the ability to alter reality is that he has

trauma and that as a coping mechanism yeah imagine if ability to alter reality is that he has trauma and that as a coping mechanism yeah imagine if you could alter reality to get rid of the things that were bothering you trauma yeah reed richards is gonna disappear one day and that's just gonna be that the thing is you you have so yes you have trauma yeah which is not great for um uh like a five year old as well he's one of the most powerful most powerful mutants on the planet at the time. You then have his power of being like, I will alter reality so that I don't have to deal with that trauma. So he does that.

Then you have Reed Richards, who is a terrible human being. Yeah, no good. Any kind of problem, in quotation marks, is something that needs to be fixed. Let me ultimate nullify your brain, boy. There is an issue, right, of Incitastic Four, where it's like, they're like, Rita, are you okay?

Do you have something? It's like, yes, I have diagnosed myself with a mild case of autism, but don't worry, I've developed a cure. Yeah. Fuck you, Rita. Yeah, I think I've seen that image shared around. What kind of a person is Reed Richards?

No matter what, anything that even Franklin says, even if he has like, or doesn't have reality altering powers, Reed will look at him like a problem that will need to be fixed. Well, I guess this is something that we cannot know the answer to because it just can't happen. But if you have the ability to erase your trauma by altering reality. Oh yeah. oh yeah can read richards can be franklin litchin sorry just be like i'm happy but also just like that thing that was bad that happened to me just didn't happen anymore and then also a lot of just like but then also if

you can alter reality surely you go crazy so quickly because you're like is this just a world i've construct like imagine if you can't tell the difference between your imagination and reality oh yeah and then all of a sudden but because you can project yeah it's just like because like on a real subtle level like imagine i know someone who i'm finding a bit annoying at the moment and all of a sudden they stopped doing the behavior that I find annoying. And I'm like, did they stop normally or did I subconsciously alter reality? So they didn't make that. Oh no.

Yeah. See, there's a lot of, there's a lot going on there. There's a lot of it going around. Yeah. Like you can't. And Franklin, so like Wanda, for instance, like Scarlet Witch, she gets her powers a little later on so at least she developed as a person yeah yeah franklin born like that born wrong yeah

yeah and he's not probably ever so he at some point will have to become aware of his powers and then realize that his entire life is probably a lie. But it's not a lie. That is what happened now. But is it him or is that just the way that things went? And because he had his powers since he was a child, he could have been using... So everything that happened... So Reed may not be a big piece of shit.

It could just be that subconsciously Franklin is thinking that there is something wrong with him, so he kind of projects it. So he's like, Dad, I have a, like, I'm not going to admit this, but I have a problem in quotation marks there, and I'll make it, like, project it so that my dad sees me like a problem to solve.

It's crazy that Franklin Richards really should just use his reality warping powers to get rid of his reality warping powers. Yeah. That would be the cleverest move. Well, yeah. The winning move is not to play, Frankie boy. Obviously, again, like I tried to touch on before, but I think got lost.

Yeah. If you realize you've got reality warping powers, but you realize you've had them for your entire life, you would. What's real? Yeah. But the moment you become aware of that you would then think back and be like when did i use this yeah like well there is a weird purveying theory called franklin time in the mc all right it's franklin time baby which is like there's a because if you look at like pre-franklin yeah a lot of the comics kind of aged. Yeah, okay. So they were sort of aging as it was happening.

The moment Frankie was born, things sort of slowed down and became a little bit more wishy-washy. Spider-Man, why aren't you 40 yet? I'm still on Franklin time, baby. Then he daps. And you can kind of look at most retcons to be like, was just Franklin being like, I don't like that Peter Parker is married and his aunt's dying. I'm going to summon a devil and he can make a deal.

Maybe if I was Reed Richards, I'd hate my son. It seems possible. Potentially, or would that just be that, you know, subconsciously your son is making you hate him? Because son hates you. Maybe we need to kill Franklin Richards. How? I'll figure it out. You son hates you. Maybe we need to kill Franklin Richards. How? I'll figure it out.

You know who you should call? Me and my hammer. John Hammond. Well, yeah, that's pretty bad. That's like cosmically bad. Yeah, this is a cosmic level of trauma. Well, it's just instant insanity because there's's no answer it's like so with trauma or like anxiety things like that obviously people try really hard to get to the root of their problem

but with franklin he discovers what the problem is and there is no root it's just yeah but things it might who knows yo that's that's what i said because he's like so again again childhood trauma or stuff like that when you're working through it often and it sucks but like people will then have like a moment of clarity or realization and like sometimes it takes years and unfortunately some people don't get that yeah yeah and sometimes it's also not relieving but like franklin it's just oh no yeah i'm trying to think you know like the worst i can think of franklin as as he was growing up was getting kidnapped and manipulated and all that by

Onslaught, but surely before that all his parents going off on weird cosmic adventures. Oh yeah. I think that seeing Sue, you know, cheat on Reed with Namor must have been some kind of... Wet boy. I retroactively think the worst day for Frank of the Retro is probably the day he was born.

Yeah. It was a bad day for Earth. Yeah. The world, the universe. Do you think maybe the reason why Sue goes with Namor is because Franklin's like, he's a better dad? But again, it doesn't matter because he can just make his own dad better. So maybe that's just him not touching reality. I like to think she just wants to get away

from her nightmare child. I wish my child was half fish. Who doesn't? And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, have you noticed that your shirts and or bags are often lacking in pins from your good friends at Sands Pants Radio? Well, that's easily remedied by heading to our merch store on sandspantsradio.com and grabbing one of our pins.

We have the Sands Pants Radio logo, an always bet on piss D20, and Jackson's face that is a replica of his legally binding signature. Sold separately or as a set of three, check them out at our merch store over at sandspancerradio.com. So, you've both, look, okay, trauma scale...

Off the charts. It's off the charts, but also maybe a zero because maybe there is no trauma because Franklin just wanted all of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or by the very virtue of his power, he can just decide he's not traumatized. So it's either a 10 or a zero.

Yeah. That's a Joel Zammack class. But you have both picked things where they can justify the trauma. So with Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, they did get shrunk. There is a machine. There is evidence. Franklin Richards, there did get shrunk there's a machine there is

evidence yeah franklin richards there is mutants as superheroes what if your hero yes hero goes through some shit as a kid and then no one believes him oh there's no evidence to suggest it happened but it happens to him heaps and he just has to cop it. And that is Dudley Dursley. Oh, Dudders. Dudders. The true hero of the Potter story. Aunt gets turned into a balloon, floats up into the sky. He gets a pig's tail.

People rock up to his house. Big giants. There's owls, there's brooms. What the fuck, Hagrid? Yeah, so Dudders is maybe being a piece of shit, but he's only a kid. Yeah, that pigtail, if you'll recall, they have to surgically remove as well.

Nobody comes to Magic's that better. And obviously I see him as the hero because he throws a PlayStation through a window. Of course. In 1995. Yeah, an early PlayStation. He got a prototype and was like, no! He throws it out the window.

Because he got one less present than the year before. He is a Trilly. He's a hero of the story. Anyway, so... Imagine going to primary school, after you've had the pigtails surgically removed, and your parents are like, you can't tell anyone about this.

And you're like, what do I say? And you have like a scar or a bandage on your tailbone. You'd have one of them donut cushions as well. Yeah, and the kids are like, what happened to your back, your low back? And you're like, don't worry about it, fell on a stick. Like,

God. And then also... I guess that would just be like you had a growth or something. Yeah, but you don't get... I mean, I suppose. Supposedly it was like a tumor or whatever. Yeah, I got cancer, stop asking. Had a weird skin tear. I guess he can get away with that.

Also. Had a tail. No, but I mean, he's also a kid. Yeah. It's just like. He'll probably tell friends that he got a pigtail. And that's rough. Amount of stuff that happens.

He didn't tell anybody. What do you mean? Yeah. I got it. So a giant man pointed an umbrella at me because of magic. But imagine you're Dudley. Because this is something else I'm thinking. Every year Harry Potter, until he leaves the Dursleys,

comes home and probably, we don't see it, but he probably tells you what happened. And then you're like, there's this other world happening that I'm not part of. That there's no evidence to suggest actually exists. And you tell your friends because, like, are you telling me you wouldn't

tell your friends? I think I wouldn telling me you wouldn't tell your friends? I think I wouldn't believe Harry. What would you think was happening? No, but also remember at the start of, the very start of Deathly Hallows takes place with them leaving from the Dursley's house, doesn't it? Or is it someone else's house? No, it's someone else's house.

Fuck. It doesn't matter. Dudley still witnesses. He gets sucked on by a Dementor.. He gets sucked on by a Dementor. He does get sucked on by a Dementor. Oh, that's bad. He can't tell anyone about that. Or if he does tell a therapist about that,

you're right, they won't believe him. Who was in Dutta's friends with him when he got sucked on by that Dementor? No, they run away. So they saw it a bit. But Dudley knows what it is. Oh, yeah, because Dudley, he's got one foot in the magic world and one foot out.

But he's worse than Filch or whatever Yeah, he's not a squib he's the son of a squib Yeah Son of a squib You son of a squib It feels good to say

But I think, okay, so say you had a fine relationship with your brother and your brother got to go to Hogwarts. Yeah. That alone. Guess what? You're less special than your brother. You aren't special.

You're like, Oh, your brother. I have trigonometry. Dickhead. I learned math. What do you know? Figure out this sum.

And then he turns you into a fucking horse. Guess what? These horse lips can still be rude to you. Idiot. These horse lips can still be rude to you, idiot. These horse lips can still say sums to you. Watch me cop out the answer. Fuck you. Now I'm going to fucking go win a horse race whilst doing maths and everyone will be impressed.

What can you do? Fly on a broom. Fuck. Shit. Fuck you. Or can you horse kick this wall? Imagine your brother getting an owl. That alone I'm jealous of.

Well, you're a horse now. You can eat an owl. Yes. Harry coming home being like, oh, no. What's that sound from my room? Oh, no! Is that the telltale sound of a horse eating an owl? That's right, no. Is that the telltale sound of a horse eating an owl? That's right, Harry.

His feathers are easy to choke. What are you going to do? Think you're better than me? Harry's the traumatised one now. A horse I made ate my owl. Oh, no. What am I to do? You'd figure the kid who got turned into a horse was the...

No, he just took it with a plump. He's just more angry now. He's like, whatever. Now I'm special because I'm a talking horse. This kind of fixed my problem. Thanks, Harry. There's more wizards in the world than there are talking horses. Just going down the street, just kicking cars because you can.

Man, that horse is angry. What are you going to do, put me down? I'm the most special horse in the world, and I'm angry. Now, where's another owl to eat? I've got to taste for him now. There's a missive going around Hogwarts. Lock up your owls. A very hungry horse.

A picture of a horse that somehow has a human scowl. Like it still looks like a horse but you can tell it's scowled. You can tell it's cut. A couple of owl feathers around its horse lips. Oh, and it's like a magical picture. It's like chewing. What?

That's what the picture says. Harry fucked up, dude. Harry fucked up, dude. Harry fucked up big time. But- Going back to Dudley. And I guess their relationship, like, obviously Dudley is a terribly spoiled child, but also the jealousy that must be burning in him,

like, it kind of explains their, like, animosity towards each other so well. And also, like, the Dursleys, I guess if you wanted to read into Harry Potter, like Petunia probably feels inferior to her sister, which results in how she treats Harry. And then also it's a constant reminder of one family tragedy, but also two,

you're not a special. And it's happening again. And that's probably also why they spoiled Dudley so much so that he feels special, even though he's not compared to Harry until Harry turned him into a horse. Then he's more special than anyone. Then he's the most special human being in the world. Imagine like human being horse.

Imagine watching your brother go through the nine and platform nine and three quarters wall and knowing that you can't go through that wall, but like trying anyway. Oh, Oh, like late at night when you're out teenage drinking, wall, but like trying anyway. Oh, that's so sad. Late at night when you're out teenage drinking, you go to the-

Wait, wait, wait. Let me try something. And you just run at a wall and bruise your face. Nah, you'd be subtle about it. Yeah, you kind of lean up against it. And then just kind of lean in. Yeah, man. That's rough.

That's sad. I feel for Dudley. Yeah, and like there's just, like what you were saying with like the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids thing, go to a therapist, therapist is like, yes, I saw that on the news, that's fucked, that happened to you. That was a big baby. Let's talk about it.

But with this, it's like, my brother's a wizard, and they're like, alright, meds. What do you mean by a wizard? He goes away, uh-huh, uh-huh. But then if you did your due diligence and investigated, you'd be like, wait, what is going on? Really, Dudley needs to see a wizard therapist, although I feel like that's not a thing. No. Well, if you did your due diligence and investigated you'd be like wait what is going on really dudley needs to see a wizard therapist although i feel like that's not a thing no well he did your due

diligence and was like okay well he's his stepbrother uh or his stepbrother that's all right cousin cousin um you know he you know he's going away and they're sending him to a school yeah you'd be like well what school is he going yeah yeah oh this is bad for the therapist now they're gonna kill him therapist is like a duty of care to be oh then they're gonna get that like forget it mind i will raise oh what happens to parents that have i i mean so if you're like a muggle-born wizard, and your son or daughter, your child, goes through the platform nine and three quarters thing, and you can't, is that what you mean?

Yeah, well, there's a lot. You can go through the... Can you go through the platform? Maybe I've just assumed if you're a muggle, you can't. Maybe Dudley can. That's worse. Because, like, if you as a muggle went through the barrier, got onto the train...

Went to an empty field. And then, like, as soon as you go to Hogwarts, it's an empty field, yeah? Yeah. Well, it's like a run-down castle, which is funny to imagine Dudley getting there and being like, oh, this isn't good. This is a shithole, Harry. Yeah, this sucks, Harry, you idiot. So if he goes into the run-down castle and starts

kicking the walls. No, because there's like a charm on it as well that means that like... Muggles are like, oh, this isn't worth my time. Yeah, so he would instantly be like whatever fuck this yeah like somebody else's problem field yeah yeah yeah yeah he'd be like look they've they've explained that but they haven't explained some of the other stuff that is stressful yeah okay i think dudley is going to grow up i mean like presumably at some point har Harry and Dudley reconcile. But I think there's going to be a lot of tears.

As someone who has seen the cursed child. Dudley appears not once. Oh wow. Maybe he's cut off all ties with Harry. Maybe he's just been like. Nope I don't need that in my life. I'm going to pretend it didn't exist. That's what I'd do. Go buy a branch. In Vegas. I'm going to pretend it didn't exist. That's what I'd do. Go buy a branch

in Vegas. I miss when I was a horse. So yeah, Dudley, it's just that often the heroes and whatever have, so like it happens, so there's like some justification but with Dudley, it's just bad luck, champ. Yeah, sorry

buddy. Your teen years were cooked. Yeah. You knew the world was maybe ending, but no one else did. You weren't as special as your brother. And plus, your parents spoiled you, which is also not great for a developing boy. Plus, he almost got sucked on by a dementor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's never good. He knows what that feels like.

Yeah, he knows what it feels like to have his soul sucked out, and he can never really tell anyone about it. Well, he can. He'll just sound crazy. Yeah. Wow, and at no point, I feel, at least in the movies, maybe in the books there's some explanation, but at no point in the movies does Harry ever really spare a thought for Dudley. You know, it doesn't seem like he's like, well, after all this,

I'm going to go back now that I'm an adult. I think there is in the last book. Is he like, hey. It's like when he says goodbye to Dudley, he realizes like the last time and like there's like mutual respect. But he doesn't apologize. No, he shouldn't be like, hey, man, you're cool too. Like, hey, we're both the product of our upbringing and it wasn't great.

How do I feel for Dudders? Yeah, man, maybe Dudley is the hero. And also Potter. He's an overlooked one, for sure. I haven't even touched on the fact that his name is Dudley Dursley. Double D! Maybe he's good again. No.

So yeah, Dudley, he's in for it. It's not just Dudley, it's like any sibling of a wizard, or even any parent of a wizard. Because imagine being, not just like you know you're muggle born and you have like you know siblings or whatever but imagine being that parent to be like oh wow we've had some like

we've been through struggle straight there were some times when we couldn't pay out you know some bills on time and you know we had to downsize or do certain things like we skipped away on holidays had to get you know pay a bit extra to get

a small happy meal yeah absolutely things were rough for us and then to find out that like some fucker could wiggle his wand and make my house big or whatever as a parent you're like I've given birth to something truly special so you'd probably be happy you're like, I've given birth to something truly special.

So you'd probably be happy about that. And then they can use- I've given birth to something truly special, except my other one. Who's, I guess, a dud. Okay, yeah. I had one and a dud. Dudley. Harry and Dudley.

Oh my God. Fuck, she's done it again. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. See a therapist. Yeah, though. Yeah.'ve been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. See a therapist. Yeah, though, yeah. Especially if you're Dudley.

Actually, if you're Dudley, maybe don't. Leave. Thanks for listening. We're happy to announce that our good friends Cameron James and Ben Alwood are releasing a limited miniseries about the batshit movie based on the demented broadway musical based on a book of awful poems cats have a listen to what's coming because it is a wild ride i knew it was gonna be bad right but i thought it'd be funny bad hi i'm cameron james from the movie podcast total reboot but it wasn't it was the sign of the collapsing civilization around us. Welcome to my latest

frickin' obsession. I think Cats is about... Let's use a whole bunch of cats who all hang out together called Jellicles. The Jellicle universe. They're a gang who get together in an alleyway. It's about cats. I couldn't tell you the plot. To like sing their songs at each other. They do little dads. Oh god. For the chance to die.

That's the whole deal. Why does it exist? That's what we're trying to figure out. Join me and my good friend Ben Elwood on this Jellicle journey. Why is Cats? Coming soon to the Sants Pants Radio Network.