Plumbing the Death Star - Which Classic Arcade Game Would be the Worst to be Tron'd Into?

Episode Date: February 28, 2021

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Sans Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, which classic arcade game would be the worst to be tron'd into? Right. Tron happened. But it's not into Tron this time. It's into something else.

So, White Cycles. Yeah, we got Tron the last time. Remember last time? You know when we got into the realm of Tron? Oh, that's right. White Cycles, you probably died because you don't know how to turn on a motorbike or whatever. You made those little maze things and I just face first into a wall which seems real bad guys

that's fucking scary like wow come turn in front of me and there's a wall immediately on the light cycle thing Zammett gets a one smacks into a wall dies you turn to look at me. I have my mouth around the exhaust.

I don't know how to turn this thing on. And then you just get... I guess I win immediately. All three of us are back out. Let's not do that again. That one was bad to be tronned into, but what would be worse to be tronned into than Tron? Look, there's a lot of classic arcade games.

Yeah, we've been troned into one. That we've been troned into one. Come from this realm to that realm. I pick the classic, Pac-Man. Waka waka. Waka waka waka waka waka waka. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So straight off the bat, annoying.

Yep, annoying. That's what I'm saying. Spooky. As I'm in a horrifying nightmare maze full of ghosts and I hear distant like waka waka waka, I'm like, well, that's annoying. Fuck that. You see a big scary ghost, but then you're also hearing waka waka waka. I'm like, well, that's annoying. Fuck that. You see a big scary ghost, but you're also hearing waka, waka, waka.

I'm afraid, but annoyed. I just, I'm feeling a lot. What do the power pellets make? I don't know what they make. If I, if I- Big Jerry though. Big Jerry. Immediately figure out what's happened.

We're at the arcade. I'm playing Pac-Man and I see it's like, you know, there's the directional stick and just a button that says Tron. Oh yeah. All three sucked off into Pac-Man. Yeah, yeah. I was chatting to babes now being sucked off into Pac-Man. I hope Miss Pac-Man's here.

She's got a bow, but no hair. That's crazy. How'd she put her lipstick on? She got no hands. Did she have a lipstick wall? No, she just... I got a wall of lipstick where she just kisses.

If there was any way she was going to do it, maybe she picks up the... Don't come to me like that was a stupid thing. It made perfect sense. Maybe she picks up the lipstick with her mouth. See, this is dumber than what I said. No, she just on the ground and then rolls over it. Lipstick wall makes more sense.

Okay, excuse me. If I ate the power palette, could I eat ghosts? Yes. Well, that's pretty good, though. Maybe this wasn't so bad to be drawn into. Could you eat a power palette or would you choke to death? You're bad at swallowing pills. That's true, but oh Oh, yeah, true.

And the power pallet's really big. It's the size of me, effectively, right? Power pallet, jam it into giant cherry, eat giant cherry. Oh, that's true. Trick myself, like I do with ravioli. Yeah. I don't know if I could swallow a cherry, but... Wait, do you not chew the ravioli?

No, I just swallow the ravioli whole. I trick myself like a dog. I put the pill in the ravioli. Ravioli is so much bigger than a cherry. But it's slimier. But the cherry. It's pre-lubed by marinara. What the fuck?

Every time I've heard you say this story, I just assumed you meant you tricked yourself into chewing the pill. No, no, no. I swallow the whole ravioli. That's so big. But it's not dry like a pill is. I'm tempted to leave. He's got to lube up his mouth, you know?

Drink a glass of water with the pill. It doesn't work. I don't know why, but the ravioli does. I get tricked. I think I've seen the ravioli. Glass of milk? Something thicker than water? I don't know.

Have you tried it with milk? Yeah, it doesn't work. Are you sure? I've tried it with so many different things. The only one that works is ravioli. What about a bit of olive oil? Maybe that would work. I've not tried it with milk? Yeah, it doesn't work. Are you sure? I've tried it with so many different things. The only one that works is ravioli. What about a bit of olive oil? Maybe that would work. I've not tried it with olive oil.

But then I might as well eat the ravioli, because then I get a ravioli. Look, it's got a point. That's a good system. Yeah. It gets a ravioli. So you get an headache. You're like, oh, man, I wish I could take a...

Paracetamol. That's what I was looking for. Because I'm going to say Panadol, but I think that's just an Australian brand. I'm trying to keep it inclusive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to take a paracetamol that's what I was looking for because I'm going to say Panadol but I think that's just an Australian brand I'm trying to keep it inclusive you want to take a paracetamol you can't so you then have to

fire up some ravioli and then put the Panadol into a ravioli which you then swallow like a duck in a situation where I don't have soluble paracetamol

but I do have ravioli that's what I'd have ravioli. That's what I'd have to do. I'm glad that I think at this point it sounds just as insane to you as it sounded to us the first time you said it. I've heard that story so many times. Fuck, I've got a headache. Shit, all right, put the kettle on. I'm going to boil up some ravioli.

What have we got? What's in the middle of the ravioli? It doesn't matter because I'm swallowing it whole. Dude, I'm going to taste some ravioli. What have we got? What's in the middle of the ravioli? It doesn't matter because I'm swallowing it whole. Dude, I'm going to taste some ravioli. Why are you getting past? Now I'm madder. Have you ever cooked just one ravioli? That would be insane.

Would it? Because you just need to take a pill. Yeah. Okay, you're on antibiotics for two weeks. Does that mean every meal you have to have is ravioli? I suppose it would, yeah. What do you mean, suppose it would? Have you never had antibiotics in your life?

I've never been in that situation, no. You've never had tonsillitis or an ear infection? No. That's crazy to me. Yeah, well, it's never happened, but when it does, I just buy a lot of ravioli, I guess. Just cook it once at the start of the week and jam pack it in. But they get stale, so I gotta, you know. Yeah, because once you refrigerate them, they're not slimy anymore.

That's a good point. Which means you're also not rinsing your ravioli after you cook it. Well, no, I mean, I put it in the sauce. You rinse your ravioli after you cook it? Yeah. Why? Just to get all the shit off it. What shit?

What? Glad that the spotlight's off me now, that's good. Wait, you- so you- do you- wait, you- wait, wait. You cook the ravioli and then you rinse it? Yeah. That's madness. So what- what is on the ravi- what do you think's on the ravioli? Maybe I need to leave.

Um, okay, when you're cooking, like, pasta, do you rinse pasta? No. Why just ravioli? Because I don't put salt in the water with ravioli, because if I was r're cooking pasta, do you rinse pasta? No. Why just ravioli? Because I don't put salt in the water with ravioli, because if I was rinsing pasta, I'd be just rinsing the salt off that I put in the water, where ravioli, the water is kind of weird. You're talking about the starch? You don't rinse the salt.

I can't talk. No, no, no. You don't rinse the salt. No, no, no. If I was rinsing spaghetti after I made it, I know that the spaghetti has like salt on it because I've put salt in the water. Like it has a flavor.

Or if I rinsed it, I'd be rinsing that off. I don't think that's what the salt does, dude. No, no, no. The salt is- The salt is just to lower the boiling point. Yeah. Yeah, but also it adds a flavor. Like it's still salty.

It depends on how much salt you put in. Not heaps. I'm not crazy. I don't want to- But then there's no flavor to Rizzle. Anyway. Ravioli, if you rinse it, it gets less slimy too. Before we...

This becomes a physical fight. Before this becomes the famous Plumbing the Death Star ravioli brawl. The tank, the company, as you rinse ravioli like a maniac. This is blowing my mind. Do you rinse it in hot water, actually? Yes. Do you rinse other starches like rice? If you boil rice, do you rinse

rice? I can't remember the last time I cooked rice in like a pan. I think I would, yeah. I think you're cooking ravioli wrong, but I'm excited because I can see you're definitely Googling it right now. Should you rinse your hot

ravioli? Do not rinse the pasta. But I don't rinse pasta. I change pasta to ravioli and this is what came up. Do not rinse the pasta. Yeah, I don't rinse pasta. I change pasta to ravioli, and this is what came up. Do not rinse the pasta. Yeah, I don't know why you do that, dude. Hey, you've learned a lesson today. Who'd you learn that off?

Yeah. Oh, my mom does it. But it's saying, like, yeah, don't rinse away. Because you rinse away the starch, which means the sauce doesn't stick to it. Yeah, because you put a pasta water into the sauce. Yeah, that's to get it nice and good. Anyway, so I guess if I was in Pac-Man, it would be no good.

What the fuck are you talking about? I get eaten by Pac-Man. Yes, sure, dude. Pac-Man sort of like the- Hitron button. You're next to Pac-Man. Pac-Man sort of like the Minotaur in the maze. I'm Theseus.

Is he going to think you are? Can he move without moving his mouth? No, I think every inch he moves, he whopper whoppers. But could I have a conversation? Is Pac-Man sentient? I don't ever think so. Yes. Smash Bros.

He's a guy. Well, that's a different Pac-Man. He turns into that Pac-Man when he gets the Smash Ball. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, so he is a guy that's true well that's a different Pac-Man yeah he turns into that Pac-Man when he gets the smash ball yeah yeah that's a good point okay so he is a guy yeah and also

he can control where he goes if I'm in Tron oh and and Mrs. Pac-Man has a lipstick wall and a bow yeah that's true so like

she presumably kisses her husband Pac-Man yeah yeah or are they brother and sister no I think they're brother and sister no you just want that so you can make the moves on Mrs. Pac-Man

and not feel weird about it. I wouldn't feel weird about it. That would at least show a level of sentience. Yeah. So they're a guy. So if I went up to Pac-Man and I'm like, hey, does that mean Pac-Man's nude? Yes.

I was like, hey, dude, nice cock. I've been trapped inside Pac-Man with you. You are in a game. Okay, sit down. And he's like, waka waka. And I'm like, I don't speak your fucking language. Waka waka. I reckon it'd eat you. Yeah, why?

Would you not eat you in this situation? Am I Pac-Man? You're Pac-Man and you're talking to you, Jackson. All Pac-Man knows is eat. Eat and run oh do you look like a ghost

do I? you looking at me but what does Pac-Man have ears that makes a very big difference here it's fucked up to imagine that Pac-Man is deaf and he has eyes doesn't he are you sure

do not rinse the past. Fuck! Are they forward-facing like a predator? Yeah. What's Pac-Man look like? I need to look him up. Google's listening because I said, does Pac-Man have eyes? Yeah.

And now a quick word from our sponsors. Adam here, resident dungeon master to the stars. Did you know that myself and Jackson host a show here on SansPantsRadio where we create and show off homebrew content that we ourselves have created? It's called House Rules, and if you've ever struggled for making your own content, then it may just be perfect for you. Some episodes will come in with stories, classes, and abilities that we've already made and tell you about them so you can

see where we've succeeded and failed. And sometimes we'll even make the content on air so you can follow along at home and make your own or even improve upon ours. Head on down to sensepantsradio.com and sign up for a king level subscription today to start listening. Oh, the arcade art of the original pac-man portrays him as a yellow circle with a large mouth as well as hands feet eyes and a long nose yeah but if you look at the actual game he doesn't have eyes and that's what i've fallen into not any promotional art for pac-man i've fallen into this video game i've tronned into this game it's just a man or a amorphous blob with no eyes. He's blind and deaf running.

This is a fucking horror show. What about this? It's a picture of Pac-Man with a realistic human nose drawn on him. That's really awful. I don't like that. But yeah, so instantly, I don't think actually I can have any conversation with Pac-Man because he's... A horror monster. Yeah, he's an eyeless, earless...

He's all mouth. He's all mouth and wants to consume. And he just chops his way through the maze. But the ghosts have eyes, so the ghost will want people. Yes. Or at least something with eyes, like a dog. What are the ghosts of dogs? That's neither here nor there.

They do, I mean, it changes a lot. Yeah, well, what do you mean? Well, because like... Oh, I can't talk to a dog. That is a good point. But also sometimes people can't communicate with ghosts. I mean, there's probably no ghosts here. This is a new building.

Hey, ghosts! They didn't hear me. I did find a dead mouse in the studio. Oh, a ghost with a mouse. Yeah. But, well, okay, so we're saying that the Pac-Man ghosts are ghosts. Yeah. But they're not really ghosts, are they?

Because you can eat them. Yeah, well, yes. But also, no guy died. They turned back into eyes. Yeah. But they're not really ghosts, are they? Because you can eat them. Yeah, well, yes. But also no guy died. They turn back into eyes. Yeah, but what I'm saying is nobody died to make them. Are you shitting out eyes immediately? Shut up, Jackson. Let's get to the bottom of this. So, because they're ghosts, but when you chomp them, they...

No, but you have to take something first to chomp them. They burst into eyeballs, and then they run away home. So they're only eyes, really? Or the eyes are ghosts and the body is like a physical ectoplasm or something. You could probably chat on that. Suck on them. Might be like jelly.

Do you like jelly? You seem like you'd hate jelly even though everything I know about you... I do hate jelly. Because I think, again, if you got pills and put it in jelly, that's so easy to swallow. It's edible slime. Yeah, I don't like slime either. Yeah, you can make it savoury if you want.

Chuck a bit of cheese in there or something. Or avocado, as a maniac at this company has done. Yeah, loves it. Yeah, I don't like jelly. I don't know. It's so slimy. It's the same with eggs. I can imagine you cracking an egg on a rock and sucking it out, but you hate eggs. I wish. I wish I liked eggs

Yeah, but unfortunately we don't live in that world. You're in like a two-week antibiotic You could just chocolate in like a jello mold. Yeah, instead Slice them out Jello would work No, but I could see the pill in it You legitimately like a dog Okay, so when you cook the ravi. Do you have to get someone put... Okay, so when you cook the ravioli,

do you have to tag your partner in or a family member and be like, can you input a pill in one of these ravioli? Don't tell me. Don't tell me which one. And then you swallow every ravioli whole. No, I put the pill in. Do you then mix it in so you don't know which one? No, no, no.

It's some psychological thing where... Because I can't physically see the pill. It makes it easier. I think if I saw it was in the jelly. And also the outside of a ravioli is hard. But with the jelly, the moment I'd suck, I'd suck the jelly first, not the pill. You have not eaten jelly any time recently.

And it shows. Like opaque jelly. What about like ice cream? Well, maybe. But I don't really swallow ice cream. You chew ice cream? You're killing me. You don't usually swallow ravi. You chew ice cream? You're killing me. You don't usually swallow ravioli whole either.

Oh, no, I do. That's why I went to... You usually swallow ravioli whole? That's your go-to eating ravioli? This cunt's washing it, and you're just swallowing it like a fucking duck. The fuck is wrong with you both? Especially because earlier in this episode

you said, oh, I don't taste it because I'm just swallowing it whole. But if that's your go-to, do you know what ravioli tastes like? Never experienced it. Not always. It's like a mouthfeel. Not always.

Oh, that's how you usually eat it. Which one is it? No, I just realized I could swallow a ravioli whole. What about a grape? I can't swallow a grape whole. I guess a grape ends up being like a big pill for some reason. Yeah, exactly.

But a ravioli is the right, I don't know, and I knew I could do it. It's flat. And I was like, well, this would be a good way to get me to swallow a pill if I put it in the ravioli. You need to understand that this is the most insane thing. I don't think I'd swallow a dumpling. Like a small dumpling. Yeah, maybe. That could work. That seems more effort to make every time I need a pill.

Yeah, we'll go buy... Yeah, well, that would probably work if it was the right size. When was the last time you did this? I use soluble Panadol, soluble paracetamol mostly, so I don't have to i think i was living with my parents still when i last did it because i had a real bad headache and at the time how did you discover this was it like you were eating ravioli and you

had a headache and you're like an old thing your parents used to know it was all my own invention it was because i would eat ravioli and I was like, hey, I can swallow a ravioli whole and then I knew I can't swallow a pill whole. You were eating ravioli just swallowing it whole

as you usually do? No, no, I was just like, I was just playing around, I guess. And I swallowed the ravioli and then I was like, oh, this will probably help with my pill thing and then next time

I needed to have a pill, I did it and it worked and so I was like, oh, this is how I with my pill thing. And then the next time I needed to have a pill, I did it and it worked. And so I was like, oh. This is how I'll take pills. I have a headache that I can have a pill with, but it's not so bad that I can eat a bowl of ravioli. Yeah.

It's a pretty specific circumstance under which I can do it. A migraine would literally kill Jackson. He'd have nothing to do. He'd be like, if I eat, I'll spew, but I can't take anything for it because I need my ravioli. You know that if you're putting, this is another thing.

You're putting a pill in ravioli, which means that it's going to take way longer for the pill to kick in because your body's, your ass is going to eat through the undue ravioli before it gets to the pill. But at least it's... It's like... Patadol rapid.

Slow release, like, patadols as well. It's like a real hard case. So the body's like, yeah, we've got this ravioli. Ah! But that's better. Then at least I've got the pill. There's got something.

Because otherwise it's no pill. Or it's going to be a situation where you know how, like, like a corn... Like the corn kernel, the husk is a bit too tough. Yeah. You're just shitting out the pills.

Oh, it didn't even work. Yeah, because the alternative is no pill. That's true. So I've got to do it this way. A pill, like a Panadol or Paracetamol would usually only take like 15 to 20 minutes to kick in. For you, it would be at least an hour. Your stomach has to literally digest food for it to happen. Yeah, well that's why I don't, I tend to

go for the soluble one because I just put in a cup of water and I'm fine. That makes sense. That's how soluble pan at all works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were expecting me to be like, I just put it in my mouth and suck. Honestly, that would not surprise me. Put it in a ravioli still. A fizzy ravioli.

Yeah, yeah, just put it in the water. That's why rinsing ravioli is crazy to me, because I want to rinse off the... That's the medicine, dude. That's what keeps me going on my day-to-day. Okay, so Pac-Man's this. Yeah, anyway, Pac-Man, I just think it'd be bad. What are you writing?

Yeah, it does sound pretty bad. He could probably eat you. Yeah, like, you first up, you got Pac-Man eating you. You got ghosts that, as they touch you, sucks. I die, yeah. You die and you can't even eat them back because you hate jelly. Yeah. Am I quicker than Pac-Man, do you reckon?

No. No. Are you quicker than anyone? No. Well, Pac-Man don't have legs, so I imagine he's rolling. Yeah. Well, no, but we know he's not. He just moves forward like a...

How? Like a snake? Yeah, it's presumably muscle. But the thing is... It's top-down. He probably just has legs. But he doesn't need to. Wait, if he's top-down, his mouth is sideways. Like scissors. Oh, no, but if it's top-down, the ghosts...

Oh, wait, no, yeah. It's isometric. But it doesn't matter because it's not like Pac-Man's a real place. I've fallen into the arcade game, you know what I mean? So it looks just like the arcade game. Oh, wait, no, no, no. If it's Tron Rules, it'll be the opposite. Same with, like, Wreck-It Ralph and stuff.

Oh, that's true. When you're in it, it'll look like the real-life version of Pac-Man. That's a good point. Or it'll at least be 3D. Yeah, it'll be 3D. So you'll see Pac-Man. But Pac-Man still has no eyes. pac-man that's a good point or it'll at least be 3d yeah yeah 3d so you'll see yeah he'll but pac-man still has no eyes yeah he's kind of like uh the worm in june yeah yeah exactly

waka waka waka what if we're just gonna throw out random literally references to books yeah and a film okay uh yeah the opposite of like i have no no mouth, but I must scream. It'd be like, I have no eyes and ears, so I must walk. Yeah. Could Pac-Man- They're in a hole or something in that book. Yeah, yeah. It's bad for everyone. Computers in charge? I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If Pac-Man ate me, would it die? And would I live? Because can Pac-Man- Are you close to a cherry or a ghost? I'd say I'm closer to a cherry. Well, bad news to you. He's eating you and getting points.

Oh, no. Am I closer to a cherry or a ghost? I would say ghost. Because you've probably got a ghost in you. I don't have cherries in me, I don't like cherries. Yeah. And it seems that you only choose... Is it fruits?

I always assume you only like sweet things, but now it's making me think you don't like sweet things. I don't really have much of a sweet tooth. You love sweet and meat. That's about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You give me like some ham and a bit of maple syrup. Delicious.

Any other, but I don't like, and this will get you. I like meat and sweet, but I don't like sweet and meat. Yeah, I'm there. So if you give me savory, something sweet in it, great. Give me sweet with something savory in it. No, I ain't doing it. Wait, no, I'm there. So if you give me savory something sweet in it, great. Give me sweet with something savory in it. No, I ain't doing it. Wait, no, other way around. Oh, wait, no, both.

What? What? So both are good. Yeah, no, I just thought about it. Both are good. What example made you change your mind there? I was thinking about pancakes with bacon. I was like, oh, no, that's good, actually.

I had chicken and waffles the other day it was good it really tasted because i was thinking about because i have a lot of coconut dishes i was thinking you have a lot of coconut dishes or douches dishes dishes and i was thinking the other day yesterday i had a little coconut rice pudding and i was like because all the coconut dishes i have are quite savory this feels wrong because it's like a savory and so i was like oh maybe i don't like savory with my sweet, but I like sweet with my savory. But actually, no, because I like pancakes with bacon.

And you also like chicken and waffles. And I love chicken and waffles. I think you maybe just didn't like that one dish. Yeah. That could be the case. Because you've been having so many savory. Yeah, I've been just having so much coconut. I'm just maybe sick of coconut.

Yeah. Like coconut curry kind of thing? Yeah, I've been having so many savory. Yeah, I've been just having so much coconut. I'm just maybe sick of coconut. Yeah, like coconut curry kind of thing. Yeah, I've been having a lot of that. Like coconut chicken, like Thai coconut caramel chicken. It's very tasty. I'm back in on this. That sounds nice. What would be bad for you guys to get trunned into, do you reckon? I can rampage.

That one's pretty bad. Oh, yeah, big ape. It's like King Kong versus Godzilla versus... A rat. Versus big rat versus me are you a guy yes okay cool all right so i'm not the big rat if that's what i'm remembering rampage i think it's a wolf but yeah that's fine i wish it was rat. Why would you shrink down a dog so it's so small, the size of a rat? It's pretty much the same looking animal.

That's very true. So if you, is it, like, so remember the 61 and the 64, you could, like, reach down maybe and grab humans and eat? Yes. Could you do that in the original? Yeah, I think so. Oh, I'm getting it. It's not the game.

It's the realm. Yeah, so it is just, you are just living through, so you're living through Godzilla, effectively, or King Kong. However, and this is something we should always remember about Rampage, is that when the people die, they shrink down and get nude. So you've got Godzilla, King Kong, with the possibility

of a snifter of titty or balls. So that improves it for me. Oh my god, King Kong's dead. Gooch! How did he die that his gooch was dead? He trips over a rock. Oh no, don't look at me, I'm King Kong's dead. Gooch. How did he die that his Gooch was dead? He trips over a rock. Oh, no, don't look at me. I'm King Kong.

It's the easiest thing to imagine. Just gets like a plane shoots him in the face. Yeah. He falls over. Oh, that's true. And then shrinks down. King Kong just needs to be on his back. I think because I'm remembering in the game,

they shrink down to like standing and then cover their genitals and run away. I'm lying down on the floor. I'm a pervert! You started out saying ape gooch and you're like oh my god, and then person gooch? Is today Christmas? This is the best day of my life.

I just saw rat gooch, now I'm seeing guy gooch. Oh my god, there's ape gooch over there. As the city's biggest gooch pervert, this is a great day for me. Wearing your number one Gooch t-shirt. I should probably say, I love Gooch. Number one Gooch.

I was like, what? Are you the number one Gooch? It's meant to say Gooch fan, but I didn't run out of space. I made the one too big. You just turn around on the back of your sweatpants and say fan. Wouldn't it be better if it said number one Gooch in the back of your t-shirt?

Yes, I know. Why don't you just turn the t-shirt around? I'm too busy looking at Gooch. Why didn't you have fan on the front of your pants? That would look stupid. Leave me alone. I got Gooch to look at. Do you just say the word Gooch and then get lost by thinking about Gooch?

I've got gooch. Wow. Damn. That's a cool bit of the human body. I'll say it. To look at. That's why I'm bringing it up. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, the gap between the balls and the arsehole. It's a magical place. It's a realm. It's a magical realm. I get it. I'm there. We understand. People with penises have more gooch than people with vaginas.

I think about that sometimes. But there is gooch on the people with vaginas. Yeah, everyone's got gooch. That's what's cool about the gooch. But we've all got penises. We've got broad goochers. Sweeping planes of grundle. People with vaginas, less real estate.

Less gooch real estate. But still good Still great Oh that's phenomenal As a gooch Everyone's always Banging on about nipples But everyone's got gooch

It's the same thing But more magical Exactly More secret You know It's like a whispering nipple Yeah Yeah

It's good if you're explaining this to me As King Kong The ape or gorilla In the background I guess you're not explaining it to me Because you're in the ape and gorilla in the background. I guess you're not explaining it to me because you're in Tron and I'm playing Rampage. My character won't stand up. What's going on?

Big text box filling the screen. That's a Gooch person. The Gooch is a magical secret nipple. What is happening? Hey, hey, hey. Get me out of here Welcome to Rampage There's going to be three things you need to know

One, there's heaps of guys attacking the city Two, if they die they're nude And small three, I love Gooch What? What the fuck? Do you want us to get you out of Rampage? No, no I don't know if you can tell

But I'm giving you two thumbs down Leave me here Is it because of the goochers yes okay there's heaps he's staying for the goochers yeah that makes sense dude oh wait it's going to be worse um getting eaten by a lizard would be bad yeah do you get to as in if you are in the realm i guess because like in Tron, you have to ride the speed bike. Do you also have to become a big thing? Yes.

Well, yeah, maybe that's why it's bad because I'm rubbing my hands together. I'm like, I'm going to get so much gooch here. And then I get into the game and I'm a big rat. But then think about how big your gooch is. Yeah, but I can't see my own gooch. I'm destroying the city. That's why I'm destroying the city. Because you're furious. You just scream gooch. All text boxes says the city. I'm sad. You're furious. You just scream Gooch.

All text boxes says Gooch. I've been robbed of Gooch. Born too big to see Gooch. Born too big to see Gooch. Too little to see Gooch in real life. Too big to see Gooch in Rampage, as they say. Yeah, that would be less than ideal, I guess. That doesn't sound super fun.

Says you're a Gooch maniac. Yeah, as big a Gooch fan as you are. Come on, Gooch pervert. It's a shame you're not a Gooch fan. It kind of sucks. Yeah, as much Gooch as you'd like. You've got the implications there of being a giant rat man, but I guess as a giant rat man, you could roll up on a ball and look at your kind of sucks. Yeah, as much Gooch as you'd like. You've got implications there of being a giant rat man, but I guess as a giant rat man,

you could roll up in a ball and look at your own Gooch. Yeah, that's true. Can rats roll up in balls? Yeah. Or you can grab one and twist it around. Snap my own spine. I'm looking at my own Gooch, as God intended. You could always grab the Kong boy and be like,

hey, can you snap me in half so I can... You could look up there, Gooch. If you're a rat boy, you can get on all fours and look up. That's true. You could go to the ape boy and be like, hey, can you snap me in half so I can... You can look up there, Goochers. If you're a rat boy, you can get on all fours and look up there. That's true. You can go to the ape boy and be like... Rats can do that. I'm gonna go to jail for being a peeping Tom rat. High behind the skyscrapers. Ooh!

Just looking for a Gooch. Don't mind me. Ape rampage. Rah! Rah! Damn, that giant rat got cancelled. I would like my quarterback, please, from this Rampage. Game over. You got cancelled.

What? What? I just wanted to play Rampage. Next time I'm definitely picking King Kong. So I guess, yeah. King Kong would be better if it started out as a guy, I reckon. I think so too. Yeah, that would be cool.

Hey, do you reckon in the Rampage movie with Dwayne The Rock Johnson, there's like nudity? A bit of gooch? Yeah. No, I don't think so. That's disappointing. But I wish the answer was yes. That was my favourite part of Rampage, I think.

Well, as a man who has gone on record saying the video game tits are your favourite, I can understand why. It was a snifter of titty, which is what I desire in my life. You know, a couple of pixels. Yeah. Oh,

I'm there. It gets the brain firing. Can't be too many. It has to be just a couple. It needs to be very soft core or very extreme. Once you get to God of War 3, where you're getting sex scenes in a PS2 game, you're like,

this is disgusting. Not for me. This is smut. Okay? It needs to be implied. Thank you very much. Yeah. No, I guess that would suck. It would be bad. You'd be like, game over. I didn't like this. I didn't get any gooch and also there's this weird pervert rat.

Yeah. Well, what about you, Jay-Z? I think a classic arcade game that would be the worst to be in would be Street Fighter 2. Oh, yeah. You get bashed. I get bashed so hard.

That's a bummer. Hey, is Street Fighter the one where they destroy a car? Yeah. I keep imagining you in place of the car. They're like, three, two, and you're like, oh, shit. What? Bash this man. No.

I'm so bashed. He's just getting crumpled in like the car. Oh, damn. They killed that guy. They got like 60 seconds to fuck me up. Perfect. And like, I reckon one hit and I'm gone. Like just one.

In the side of the head, you slide off the stage. I don't think I can survive a Hadouken. Yeah, no. Like, again, a low kick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One punch from Ken. Yep. Yeah Ken would be the end of you. I'm sure Yukin would absolutely end my life. Just destroyed.

Imagine going up against Blanka. First off, big fangs that he uses to bite me. Then he electrifies me. I'm like, oh, my God, this green thing bit. Now I've been electrocuted. Now I've gone to heaven. Here's my question if i'm playing street fighter 2 that you're tronned into yeah am i playing as you or am i playing as blanker

because both are bad either i'm like this isn't oh it's also so great to imagine the character select screen and i'm like who's joel sam and zamit the guy just shaking his head no put me out wait is this a glitch is that meant to be Zangief? I'll pick him. No! Somehow doing a flawless game, but I'm like, please don't! You go to combos, there's just nothing.

Blank. Ow, ow, ow! Yeah, look, even if it was like, alright, do good, and I got a couple, even if that was against a training dummy, it would hurt my hands.

I'm a soft boy. Yeah, oh for sure. Punch his hood. Cop a Chun-Li spinning bird kick I'm not even talking about going defensive I'm talking about being offensive Where I'm like, yeah, have my fist Ow, I broke my fingies on his pec

Round one up against Bison How do you throw a punch? Like a closed fist slap? You're meant to hold your thumb inside, right? To snap it. Or I figured it out. I just got to hide in the corner and keep backing away

and they won't hit me. And then Darcy comes in and slaps me from halfway across the wall. And then he brings fire on you and you catch fire and die. And I'm like, what? First off, he was stretchy and now he's breathing fire.

What kind of cunt this is? It's so great to imagine you and like you kick you and you just in one kick slide off to like unconscious on one side of the stage. You're like, oh. Did I win? And then it's round two and then the body's still on the ground. You're like, um.

Going over to it. The health bar doesn't quite go down. You're like like I guess I think he's still alive oh no this might save me do any of them have a stomp yeah

yes I think some do ah shit everyone has a stomp yeah they just go over to you and stomp well how bad would you you would never want to play Street Fighter again

I think I killed a real life man in that video game this looks heaps like the guy who was playing this not moments before yeah Yeah, he hit that tron button. Yeah, if I had Riku going up and just stomping on me.

It wouldn't even need to be multiple stomps. It would just be one reluctant on your head. You'd be like, oh no. I killed that defenseless man. I guess I can move on. So whereas with me and Dusha, death was very permanent

with Zamet I don't know if it is do you appear back in the character select screen I'm pretty sure we die in Tron you die in real life it's a graveyard you pick you again or it's like still your face yet but you pick it again and it's still you just lying oh okay jump

I think I'm gonna lose this one my health bar's already at zero worker! I think I'm going to lose this one. My health bar's already at zero, worker down. I think I'm stuck in the game. Nihilism comes in just as you win. Oh, okay. Then you get your friend and you both play as you break the game. It's just two unconscious guys.

It's a guy unconscious and a guy unconscious, but he's wearing red. Arcade owner comes up and is like, boys, what have you done? You picked the bad character. You wrecked this goddamn- What have I told you? You both can't pick. Xamit, reset the game. Who pressed the Tron button? Which one of you guys pressed the Tron button?

I guess the guy in there. That would make sense. Okay, that checks out. All right, he unplugs it and then I die. For real? Yeah. Or he comes in and he goes out the back like behind the the arcade machines and he you know he fixes it and gets us out but you're disappointed there's no gooch i'm yeah i don't know what happened to me we were talking about other stuff you've uh killed pac-man because he choked on you Because you're bigger than a cherry

You've killed Pac-Man I come out wearing Pac-Man like pants What's happening though? A little tombstone Oh, Samet died When you die in Tron You die in Oh, my gravestone's like

Well, when you die in Tron Well, I guess he's still a little bit alive He can communicate through the text on the gravestone. I don't know what kind of life he'll lead, but... It sucks, guys. It's a bad one. It's not good. It's a sort of a living hell.

Pick me up and put me in a wheelbarrow. Take me to see a snifter of titty somewhere, please. I missed it. There was a little bit in Street Fighter 2, but not enough. Not enough. It's mostly thigh in the Street Fighter games A lot of thigh and a lot of hairy man And then we're at an exotic nightclub And it's just a gravestone on a chair

Getting a lap dance I'm wearing Pac-Man pants And you're demanding gooch And all that says on the gravestone is This is good Finally some good How have we not been kicked out? it says on the gravestone is, this is good. Finally, some good. How have we not been kicked out?

And on that note, I've been a tombstone. I've been wearing Parkman's pants. And I've been rinsing my pasta. Hey, Dickhead. Are you thirsty for more Sandspants? Let us shoot our long, hot ropes of content right into your gaping ear holes. Head to sandspantsradio.com to check out all 26 of our public podcasts and become a member of Sandspants Plus to check out 20 more bonus shows and bonus feeds.

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