Plumbing the Death Star - Which Comic Book City Would Be The Worst To Live In?

Episode Date: August 25, 2019

Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. And after the episode, we're doing a little post-show where we'll discuss your answers to the topic. But that's not all we're doing on Twitch. Wednesday evening, Jack and friend of the show Zoe will be continuing their Sims adventures in Zoe Sims Inn. And on Thursday, during the day, me and handsomest boy at Sandspants, Adam, are doing a classic hit play where Adam shows me and you bugger lugs at home how to get 100% Silent Assassin.

Just head to twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio to subscribe, follow, and to work out when we're streaming, because time zones are difficult and basic maths not for me. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which comic book city would be the worst to live in? You nailed it. Yeah.

So I think about this. I think the obvious one everyone's going to trot out is Gotham City. Yeah. Because you've got Batman in it. Spooky. It's basically nighttime all the time. Well, yeah. Haunted city with, I don't know, corrupt and inept cops.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, and I think part of the reason people think that is that Batman is like this spooky guy that's like, you don't know what he's doing. What is he? Is he a man or a bat? He's super... You don't know what he's doing. Is he a man or a bat?

He's super... Man, it's weird that our city is like a bat that has a sense of justice. Not like, you know, white collar. He just doesn't like street crime. I always feel like that's the implication of Batman a bit. Is that the people on the street are like, is he just a big bat? Well, it's kind of funny because if his name's Batman and people don't think that, he's kind of funny Because if his name's Batman And people don't think that He's kind of fucked

Was it a man who dresses up like a bat Or a bat who dresses up like a man How confusing would then the existence of man-bat be Oh my god it's Batman again I don't know what's going on Batman's got a brother No see Batman That's a man dressed like a bat

Then a bat saw that And was like Not on my watch. Got a suit. I imagine getting attacked by a man bat and being like, oh, no, it's bat. Oh, wait, no, no. Some other, it's,

no, I don't know what's happening here. Whee! It's a face. Batman should screech. It's surprising he has no, like, sonic bat abilities. But you get. He has one superpower, basically, and that's be scary.

Yeah, be frightening. Punches. Not a power. Yeah, but just like man's punches. Dusha is just as good, if not better, than Batman. But you get Batman, right? I can appreciate Batman. He's either like a nighttime nightmare man, or he's a vigilante.

Yeah, you'd be so fine in the day. Yeah, whatever. But Superman in Metropolis is so much harder to wrap your head around. Imagine living in a city that also had God in it. And you just accepted

that God was there. You didn't know who God was. You didn't know what God was capable of. How quickly would you just start to think that maybe you were one of the chosen people?

Like, yeah. I would. I'm protected. Because it's not like Superman ever sits you down and is like, hi, how you doing? I'm Superman. Okay, cool. And where are you from? What do you do? He's like, no, it doesn't matter. You just see like a guy

punch a comet away and leave and you're like, who? Do we know who that guy is? Why does he have only jurisdiction in Metropolis? Is he a cop? Yeah, like there's never like a meet and greet. Is he like an FBI? I get that we don't have like a meet and greet with cops.

That's not a thing I'm expecting. Although I work near a police station, and in that shopping centre they have an activity once every couple of months called Coffee with Cops. Oh, imagine coffee with soups. It literally is. No. Yeah.

Soup with soups. It literally is a cop meet and greet. So your mate's like, so what do you want to know? What you got there? You got there soups? What soup is it? How's your soup? Too hot, too cold?

I can fix either of those problems. That's cool, man. Thanks for letting me know. Also, I think it's really funny that sometimes the mayor of your city hates this guy. Yeah. And you, again, don't know who this guy is. Do I vote for Lex? Yes.

Yeah, you would. Of course. You absolutely would. Yeah. I may have voted for Lex as well. If he came out in a platform of human superiority, I am there. Human superiority. Fuck this God cut in the eye.

Vote one Lex. I guess my question is, do you think if you're reading the paper and you're like, Superman does it again, that shouldn't be where the Superman discourse ends. Would you call him Superman? Everyone else does. I don't know another name.

You're just like, you know that guy? Just don't give him... At what point do children learn about Superman? That's my question. That's a great point. Do you tell your kids? Like, Superman punches a big turtle man in the street and the kid's like, what the hell just happened?

He's our ever-vigilant saviour. I would give him the New Testament and be like, it's that. But a dude... I would also feel like maybe the city had done something for this guy at some point that I didn't know about and I'd be like, why does he love us? You know what I mean? Yeah, I'd look over at the bay and be like, I would also feel like maybe the city had done something for this guy at some point that I didn't know about. And I'd be like, why does he love us? You know what I mean?

Yeah, I'd look over at the bay and be like, look at Gotham all dark and storming and like with a piece of shit man bat or Batman or whatever. And then be like, man, are we blessed? Yeah, like why did we get something? Or are we cursed? Are we cursed? Did we do something good and they did something bad? And I also don't know Superman's parameters. Like I assume, because I can see Superman like punch a cop. No, cops can be criminals.

Superman punch a cop. And I'm like, all right, he stops crime. But I don't know what level of crime. I'm at the supermarket and I'm like, I don't know why I was about to pitch a situation where I was shoplifting oranges. But let's say I need oranges bad. I don't have my wallet.

You've left your wallet in your good pants. You're wearing your bad pants. I put my bad pants in the orange store and I'm like, I need these oranges bad or I don't know, I'll get fired or something. This situation is getting harder and harder to follow.

Look, it's just before halftime at a little kid's football match and you need those origins quick. But you left your wallet in your good pants. My boss is first of all like, Jackson, I'm upset you wore your bad pants to the game. You're on your last warning.

We need you to get some oranges. I go in, I pat my pockets, I go, no. Bad pants strike again. I don't know, it's like, my good pants. And then I see the oranges, because that's all the orange store sells, and I'm like, maybe this once I can shoplift some oranges and I'll pay them back later,

but I don't know if Superman's going to come down and punch my head into a suit. I don't know if that's a thing he'll do. I feel like you'd be fine, because Superman isn't dealing with petty crime. But do you know that? Well, yes. Does Superman ever sit you down?

Because I read all the fluff pieces that Clark Kent writes for the Daily Planet. Superman, handsome or handsomest? Hard to say. Much more handsome than that piece of shit Bruce Wayne. Why is he talking about the billionaire? That's so strange. I don't get it. I always thought Bruce was kind of sexy.

Do we know how much money Lex Luthor invests In trying to stop Superman? Where's he taking it from? City beautification? The buses just don't run on time Metropolis looks nice Yeah it does, it looks clean I feel that's just because of Superman doing one big breath

Everybody hold on to a lamppost Superman's cleaning the city There's just a curfew at Metropolis. It's like, stay inside at 7am to 7.05am. Superman's cleaning the street. I reckon I could run, I guess I oppose Lex Luthor as mayor of Metropolis on the platform that I reckon I get Superman to do a lot of things. I start making promises.

Superman's going to clean up the streets. And Superman doesn't want to come out and in a debate be like, I will not clean up the streets. He'd have to do it. Guilt tripping Superman into making the city clean. Superman said we're going to get rid of that garbage problem. We're talking about, not Krypton. We're talking about Metropolis being the worst city to live in

and Xamarin all of a sudden has got a great idea to become mayor. You're right, it is a piece of shit. I can benefit from this. You're so bad about it. I just don't like the existential crisis. Why? It's like if Jesus came, beamed down to earth, you know, in his beam and he was like, hey, Joel Dutra and Joel Zammett,

I'll do whatever you want. I'm going to be your ever-vigilant protector. Superman didn't say that, though. But he does. After 10 years of it, I'm going to be your ever-vigilant protector. Superman didn't say that, though. But he does. After 10 years of it, I'm like, what is this? It'd be like if Jesus descended from the heavens in the distance and we squinted and saw him do good, I guess. Yeah, you'd be like, and then for the next 10 years,

he just protected your city alone and occasionally went to space or whatever. There is a lot of reasons why Metropolis would be a terrible place to live. Because when Superman's there, at first you'd be like, how long is this going on for? And then after a couple of years you'd be like, I guess this is forever. It's very, very, very common for Superman stories to end with Superman just leaving. Yeah, that's true.

That would be terrible if you're like, I guess this guy, this Jesus analog, has come down to protect my city forever. Analog. Yes. That's what protect my city forever. Analogue. Yes. That's what I would be saying. Jesus analogue. He's an analogue for Christ.

Jackson, he's a real man. Also, analogy is the word you look for. No, an analogue is a thing. Oh, no, I was dumb. No, I was dumb because it's a literary thing. That's like me being like, hey, that's a metaphor. No, it's a man. That's just a dude a thing can be both

wow you really are the metaphor for a dumb shit it's good to imagine me saying that as an ice cream melts all over my head after a very long pause a thing can be both a thing can be two things like the ice cream but I do it in this motion

and the ice cream falls in my lap. Are you sitting in a bus stop? I was imagining a bus stop too. Why? Everyone was imagining a bus stop. I was imagining a bus stop in front of a soccer field.

I was waiting for my bus. And all the kids were pointing and laughing at you. I don't think this is a bad city. I mean, what would frighten me most about Metropolis is all of like, oh, we've got a sweet protector eye. It's attracting a lot of big problems. Yeah, I guess that is bad.

Like the villains that Superman attracts. I don't know about the Joker. Like I find out a ship in the bay was sunk with laughing gas. I'm like oh no my problem superman would sort it out if it was brainiac comes down and infects the city or whatever or doomsday starts punching coffee shops yep i'm like this is a big problem but whatever superman takes care of it but i like joel douche's thing of like superman lives in your city for five years and then just goes

and you're like what did we do? I thought we were when's he coming back? He'll come back. He'll come back. What if he doesn't? It'll be the second

bad guys still keep coming. Yeah. No, no. It's the second coming. He'll return. Yeah. You were right. He was a Jesus metaphor.

He was a metaphor. I think there can be two things. I think there can be two things. There can be two things. Jackson with a stain on two things. I think it can be two things. Jackson with a stain on his bad pants from where that ice cream was, now holding a new ice cream. Orange is rotting. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's why I was at the soccer field. Oh, no. Oh, those kids are so hungry. I'm five years too late. Guys, I'm like fired five years ago. I might be living. I'm sure I'm not convinced that years ago. I might be living. I'm sure I'm not convinced that it's a bad city, Jack.

Where did you get the money for the ice cream? I don't know. I like to think I don't remember where I got it. I took it from a kid. Well, I just think, look, yeah, Superman gives you an existential crisis, but maybe that doesn't mean living in the city is bad.

Why does he give me an existential crisis? Is it because he's better than me? No, because he's picked you. There's so many people. That's scary. Is it because he's better than me? No, because he's picked you. There are so many people. That's scary. Is it scary for God to pick you? Yeah, but it's good for God to pick me. Well, only if...

Again, I'm the chosen one. Yeah, never mind the other Metropolisian. You, Joel Zalman, really want to... I'd be like, hey, Superman bro, it's me, your bro. We're kind of dancing around it a little bit because Metropolis being picked by Superman at first will probably seem good but a lot of people in their regular day-to-day life will commit little wrongs like stealing oranges yeah or like punching a kid to get their ice cream yeah in my, I swiped it running past. But yeah, point stands. Yeah, and it would kind of probably get to a point

where it feels a bit police-stady. Well, it's weird because when I learned that I could steal oranges without Superman killing me, then maybe I would steal more oranges. Yeah. I am no longer afraid of real cops. Yeah, because... I would be more scared of real cops

because after a bit you'd be like, Superman isn't killing people, he's putting them in jail. Cops still have guns. That's true. I don't know if I'd be that afraid of Superman because he just seems too good. Like, if I'm there stealing oranges

and he comes down, I'm like, don't you got other things to do, Superman? I'm sure he'd love that. As he picks me up and drives me. He's got a car now. The supercar. Get in. Get in.

All right. Can't you fly? No. Oh, wait. You're not even Superman. It's very funny to be in traffic with Superman. Am I in trouble? The good thing with Superman is not many people can imitate him like Batman, right?

Because they'd be rocking up and like, go fly then. Get off the building. Jump. I think as well with Superman, because he does just look like a regular guy. Like Batman, like I said, you could think he was like a mutant bat person. Superman, you're like, that's just a special man. What would you assume Superman was?

Because Superman never sits you down and he's like, hey, how you doing? I was from Krypton. An analogue apparently a metaphor there can be two things no I honestly what would you

I would think a witch witch's curse it's a metaphor think of it two things the ice cream lands I was like

no a witch's curse we all agree on that it was just at this point I would be like yeah magic's real right that guy can fly and shoot lasers out of his head

Fuck it Am I living I don't know in the imagination of a small child Is this what's happening Okay yeah maybe I would have this existential crisis I'd be like bullshit I'm not No I'm being a liar

This is a lie This is a lie Am I in that snow globe from that TV series? Is that me? Guys, am I real? Are you real? You've got to tell me if I'm real. Knocking the second ice cream onto your pants. I imagine I was still bemoaning

the first one. What are you saying? Witches, we already decided. Is it a witch? They bless us and curse Gotham that sucks that would also be very weird

to know that there was a city that got the opposite what if one day it swaps what if it's yin and yang what if

little bit of bad and little bit of good what show you're working what if what if one day Batman comes to Metropolis

and he's like I got you now yeah what if they say you're just a dude. I'd be like, oh. Yeah, but I might think Superman's a robot.

That's what I keep thinking. Yeah. Yeah, like shooting lasers out of his eyes. Yeah, I'd be like, is the military doing this? So when it boils down to it. Boston Dynamics and ILM

came together and made this. Made a big guy. So when it comes down to it, your problem with living in Metropolis is because you just can't figure out this one guy. Yeah, but yes! You say that like it's ridiculous. That's absolutely my problem.

Let's just remember, me and everyone watching, that you've started this by saying, picking Gotham is an obvious reason, then listed far worse problems than the one you just listed for Metropolis. But I can get Batman. No, you can't. You're like, is he a monster?

Is he some kind of demon? Yeah, that makes more sense. Who's this guy? Jackson, you also wouldn't get the good parts of Gotham because you don't go to bed at a normal time. You're only awake at night time. I'm only awake to open my window to be like, what's that noise?

And get punched by the penguin. His new villainous scheme is to go to people's bedrooms and punch them. and get punched by the penguin. His new villainous scheme is to go to people's bedrooms and punch them. Hovering on his own umbrella, kind of like Mary Poppins style. Oh man, I hope Batman stops this. Batman being like, he's not really doing that much damage. It's funny that I've ended a debate with Batman.

He punched me in the mouth. He could, but he's not like blown anything up. I think there are some issues living in Metropolis with Superman. You just be like, okay, I think after a while maybe you might get complacent. Yes. And maybe you'd be like, any problem, Superman's got it. He's kind of like the reverse boogeyman. I guess that's God.

God is the reverse boogeyman. Anyway, become basically a reverse boogeyman. I guess that's God? Yeah. God is the reverse boogeyman. Anyway, become basically a reverse boogeyman because all your problems will be like, ah, whatever. Yeah. That analog has got it. And so, like, you wouldn't care. I might become more reckless in my, yeah.

Yeah, reckless. Like, I wouldn't have, I'd be like, oh, yeah, what if I just, you know, is that a manhole? What's down there? That's neat. Should I climb down? Nah, just walk.

Superman's got this. It's very good to imagine us at a cafe being like, where'd Samet get here? Samet has died. Oh. Yeah, what? Okay. No, this is actually a very good point.

Because what if living in Metropolis makes you accidentally suicidal? Yeah. Because you're just like, I'm going to be okay. I can sleep in the bath. That's fine. I already don't pay attention when I cross a road. It is a true fact that if I did not have people around me to grab me when I started to cross a road,

I would be dead right now. I told you to run across a road. You did. You got hit by a car. Exactly. That is a true story. So imagine we lived in Metropolis. We all know Superman might have my back.

Might is enough for you. I'm on your side, though. I would become so complacent. I'd be like, see you guys. Hit by a bus. My last words would be... And then you'd be mad at Superman. Because you know there are hundreds of other people

nearly being hit by a bus that he is saving. I'd be like, oi, Superman, my friend died on your watch. Yeah, absolutely. And there are hundreds of other nearly being hit by a bus that he is Superman my friend died on your watch Well no, cuz that seems ridiculous, but there is actually a comic book about it So I know that Superman would be like oh my god. You're right That's right. Hey Superman my husband had a heart attack under your watch had a heart attack under your watch no no no it's way

it's way it's way it's way it's way it's way it's way my husband had a brain tumor the doctors couldn't operate on

but your heat vision probably could have oh I reckon let's imagine the awesome world where Superman complies and then blazes that guy's head open

and he's like is that what you wanted ladies alright yeah yeah well absolutely but it's funny for Superman

to blame himself for what is obviously my mistake like i walked in front of that bus yeah you didn't look yeah superman you should have been there but superman did give you that sense of security so it's back on him in a way he is at fault but yes is that not just the way that you behave in real life yeah currently yes so then is not is not Melbourne, Australia also the worst comic book universe in the world? Comic book city to live in. Well, I would become like an extra version of

what I do now. So maybe I'd run across the road. Is that a walk? Run into traffic. Maybe I would specifically play chicken with buses in the hopes that Superman would collect me and put me on top of a skyscraper where I can't cause any problems. So I said accidentally suicidal before.

I think that if you're running head-on into traffic... Superman's got my back. And then I... Straight into an oncoming truck. What a rough last word. Dying, wearing your... Bad pants. They weren't even as good, apparently.

They weren't even as good. They wereed in oranges That aside though I just think The whole Metropolis would make you Lazy as I guess

As a city Yeah I feel like Yeah I wouldn't do as much I'd imagine how ever Vigilant you'd be In Gotham Oh man

Superman Everyone has like Peak condition Because they've got to Run all the way You've got to Fight or fly 24-7 Exactly You can't sleep You can't get nothing done You've got to be because they've got to be able to run always. Well, yeah, because you're in final flight 24-7.

Exactly. You can't sleep. You can't get nothing done. You've got to be like, I've got to go to sleep when I can. Every time there was like a sporting match, if it was a Gotham team versus Metropolis team, I just know who I would imagine was going to win. Exactly.

The Gotham team. The Gothamites, they're all on edge. They're all just like tweaking out. Whereas Metropolis are just fat and rich. It's very funny to imagine someone like taking, I don't know, like the football from a Metropolis. He's like, Superman's got this. Whatever.

Superman will win the game for me. Or the Gothamites just. Yeah, I just like walking around. Big rat energy. Ready to fight anybody. Tell me you wouldn't though. I'd probably carry a sword. And the point with Gotham Anything can be a bad guy A lizard, a dog, a child

It's all possible Those are all Batman villains Not the dog It's like an old woman in a child's body From the Batman cartoon So I would be scared of kids Lizard is clearly a man lizard. A kite?

I thought that Robocop was the only good guy that hated a child in a thing. Nope. Also Batman. That must be so tough for him. He doesn't want to punch a kid in the mouth, but it's a bad kid. It's a bad thing wrapped in a bad thing for him because he's punching a child

that is an old woman. But she wants to do murders, I can only assume. Yeah, I don't really know what she wants to do. It's no good. Yeah, I think living in Gotham, you'd be kind of forged as a human being. I think you'd come out a lot better. Whereas I think in Metropolis,

you're just going to be too complacent. And I think that's the biggest problem, I feel. It's cool that there are no street performers in Gotham. You just wouldn't. You wouldn't dress up like anything on the street because Batman will punch you just preemptively. Like, what are you? I'm just a guy. I'm a juggler. The juggler.

Ah! Why is Batman yelling in that? He can't skip it. The juggler. Ah! He doesn't like the Joker. It spooks him. If you come across a surprise Joker, I think he'd scream. Oh wait, you said Juggler.

Sorry for hitting you. Then he throws you a dime or something. And you have a broken nose. Do you reckon If Batman was a regular guy thinking it was the Joker he wouldn't hold back. Is medical better Inside out face. If Batman pushed a regular guy thinking it was the Joker, he wouldn't hold back.

Is medical better in Gotham? It would have to be. No, Harley Quinn's a doctor in Gotham. Yeah, it's worse. But hey, it's barely touched on in Metropolis. Well, a doctor couldn't save a guy from a brain tumor. We have that in writing. How many people do you think Superman throws into the sun on a daily basis? At least four.

Zero, but I want it to be far more than that. And now, a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, plumbing is all cranberries and spice, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Like, maybe you wish Dusha was missing, presumed dead, and instead it was just Zamet, Jackson,

and their good friends Adam and Cass immersing themselves in the fantasy world of Dungeons & Dragons and pretending to be elves or whatever. If this sounds like you, then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for D&D is for Nerds, our Dungeons & Dragons real-play podcast that's far better than it is any right to be.

All right, Metropolis is not great, but I think there's worse out there. I think the city of Westchester in New York where the X mansion is. Uh-huh. Brave. We picked a real place, but then where X-Men live. Where the X-Men live. Yes.

I thought we were just dragging a city. No, no, no. Because I don't really know the actual real place. New York's asleep. You can say bad things. Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good. Well, I don't really know. I think it's like, you know, it's the state of New York. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I imagine it's where... We won bad things. Good, good, good. I think it's the state

of New York. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I imagine it's where... I reckon it's where all the fancy mansions are. One can only assume. Maybe upstate New York some might say. I don't know. I don't know why I tried. First off, you've got the X-Men there, which is always going to be an issue. People are kind of backing forth.

It is a school at times and sometimes that school riots. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Like a prison. Like a prison. And they're mutants. Yeah, yeah.

So there's like a giant guy who's like gelatinous and on fire, and I'm there in my robe sipping my coffee being like, that's no good. Do I know they're mutants? I mean, he's on fire and he's a gelatinous blob. Yeah, but am I like that gelatinous man needs medical attention? It's rude that I'm not doing anything about it. He's just flown in from Metropolis. Superman's probably gone.

Yeah. The biggest problem, though, with living in Westchester is that the X-Mansion is destroyed nearly every other week. Okay. And I feel if you're living there, that's just a lot of construction. That's annoying. Day in and day out. there, that's just a lot of construction. That's annoying. Day in and day out.

Yeah, that's rough. And that's just going to be allowed and really impede my living. Because look, I'm a fancy, wealthy Westchesterian. That seems right. And I've worked real hard. You deserve a good rest. Or inherited a lot of this from old money. Absolutely.

Or crime. I'm a trust fund baby. I'm not in Gotham. I'm a from old money. Absolutely. Or crime. I'm a trust fund baby. I'm not in Gotham. I'm a trust fund baby. Yeah. And there I am in my lovely mansion. And I look over. I know Joel Zambit absolutely is a trust fund baby. Absolutely.

Just like I'm one of the Morlocks living in the sewers. Don't get me started with the Morlocks. I won't. Forget we said it. Gross mutants living under my streets no good um but yeah so you're sitting there and you're like oh great the x-man's been blown up again and then construction starts i just i like i keep having this image of you trying to sleep in your bed and just out like at maybe 1 a.m and like the distant sounds like a distant party of an x-man

fight yeah like distant and then you're opening the window and knowing you can't walk over there with your coffee and be like quit it quit it some of us have work in the morning not me but others do that is a thing you say yeah i'm trying to say shut up i like the idea of opening the window and you just hear... It's very funny to imagine the cops being called on the X-Mansion for a noise complaint. But it's happened heaps of times. Like aliens have invaded and just destroyed the X-Mansion looking for someone's dad or whatever. So aliens have invaded New York and destroyed a mansion and you're concerned about construction.

And the noise. Oh, have you ever lived next to construction, JD? Not yet, but I did just find out that my real life house, the neighbor's house is being knocked down. Yeah, it's going to suck. I'll get back to you soon. But is it like the weird sounds of like, this is going to sound strange, mutant construction?

Like is there an X-Man that's just good at building mansions? I mean, there has to be. Colossus is strong. Magneto, if he's good. Yeah, he'd be all right. At that point. Hiring Magneto and being like, I'll pay you. Just a truce.

So insulting. I'll pay you a wage, Magneto. Come on, Maggie. That's not what I want. But apart from, like, the construction is a problem, also the occasional eyesores. Like, sometimes it's guarded by sentinels. And now I've got to look out and see giant robots

towering over what was once a beautiful view. Do you think you would ever have the gumption to walk over to the X-Mansion and, like, complain? Yes. To knock on the door and have Professor X wheel and be like, what? Wait, I need to clarify. How far away is Joel Zammett's trust fund house from-

I imagine quite far. Oh, okay. It's big property. They're huge. They're mansions. Okay. Joel Zammett's driving to the X mansion. That's fair.

In his dressing gown. Yes, I imagined a Rolls Royce. Are we all imagining a Rolls Royce? Yes. Dressing gown a worldwide term? Yeah, a gown. A gown. Yes, I imagined a Rolls Royce. Are you all imagining a Rolls Royce? Yes. Dressing gown a worldwide term. Yeah, a gown. A gown. A robe.

Like a crushed velvet one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking like the Hugh Hefner one. Good to imagine maybe as you arrive, Professor X is like training some kid that can vomit statues on the lawn, vomits up like, I don't know, Venus de Milo, and Professor X is like, good, you're improving. Hey, bald fella.

Oi, you, wheels. Is this your establishment? Is this your establishment? Fuck your road. Just, what? You didn't even try to be nice. Hey! Oi!

You, the old one. You're bashed! Now I'm imagining you in a dressing gown with a bat. A little bit like frazzled hair. I haven't had a good night's sleep in three nights! That's actually like children inside, inside. Yeah, it's just so intimidating. It's just like, you know what?

No, this is not. We upset the neighbors. Can't have this. Everybody rushing inside, the curtains lifting slightly. Yeah it's just so intimidating It's just like You know what No This is not We upset the neighbors Can't have this Everybody rushing inside The curtains lifting Slightly People looking at you

As you're bashing the equipment Just like Hitting the statues That's what I think of this Please be quiet See how unpleasant this is That's me When I have the shit

I have to deal with Every fucking day That's so funny Because they can't hear you from inside So maybe you're just being like Build your fucking house Once And leave it built

Is this good? 24-7 with you, isn't it? Professor X is being like If you're quiet, children They might go away. We don't know who this man is. Let's quickly pray for a juggernaut attack or something.

Maybe we'll go to limbo again. Surround me, children, please. Shield me from his yells. To the panic room. Imagine shutting down completely as you bash a storm water drain or whatever. yells to the panic room. The mansion's shutting down completely as you bash a stormwater drain or whatever.

Trying to smack its windows. Ah, safety glass, I think. Hold on, normal glass, I'm just weak. It's always getting destroyed by weird things. So yeah, we've got robots, we've got aliens, we've got the random juggernaut. Sometimes just other machines

will attack it. There was one time where danger became sentient and other machines... Danger, sir, just clarify. The danger room. Yeah, became a fella. The room became a guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it was just like, I'm going to summon other machines from the area to attack the mansion. Here I am, watching the help whippersnip my lawns

and suddenly the whippersnipper gets up, grows legs, I guess, and starts attacking the mansion. I'm like, that was mine! Will Professor Ash pay for your whippersnipper? Yeah. Not in your life. He just won't.

Then I've got to see a plane just drive straight to the mansion and be like, they had a plane?! Is this illegal? And also, yeah, I'm under a flight path. Yeah. Their plane! Property, value of your property Has gone down so badly

I imagine that I'm a neighbour And I've worked hard And I'm just sick of hearing you complain Shut up I would start a committee It's like Come on Ex-mansion

Joel Zabit Joel Dusch So you just don't hear the ex-mansion You just hear this one man Yelling all the time Oh why is this guy so mad He's going to write a letter I hate you Shut up this one man yelling all the time. Oh, why is this guy so mad? He's going to write a letter.

I hate you. Shut up. It can't be that bad, whatever you're complaining about. I also really like that you said juggernaut earlier. The idea of you on your porch, like, watching the road in front of your house and hearing, like, a... You're like, something's going to go down today.

Watching as the juggernaut runs by. Yep, something's going to go wrong. That's also, juggernaut runs by. Yep, something's going to go wrong. That's also a weird thing because you are witnessing a lot of attacks before they happen. Yeah. So you're like seeing an alien ship trying to beam at other houses before it settles on the mansion. You're going to be seeing, again, the sentinels looking around, lifting up roofs. Sentinels walking onto your lawn, ruining your petunias, bending down. Where is mansion? I don't know why petunias Bending down Where is mansion

I don't know why they talk like cavemen Where is mansion Mansion over there You got me doing it I hate this town So that would be very very annoying Plus it's like Again one time

The mansion just popped out of existence For a bit and went to limbo Well you don't know That'd be real good. First time, I'd be like, well, good, good. We good? Did it just solve itself? I like to imagine that's when I come over and say,

I'm just like, right, that's it. Knock, knock, knock. Hey, shut up. How bad could it be? And Sam's like, listen, listen. You go outside and just disappear. No! It'd be like a beautiful, just like serene sound.

Maybe like a babbling brook of all days. I just want to go on record and let you know I hate living next to you. Okay, I'm trying again. How do you not hear the sounds of violence? The sounds of lasers? The sounds of statues being vomited from a small boy's mouth? Listen, buddy, I don't know what your problem is, but shut up. Another problem you're going to have that maybe you haven't considered is runaway teens.

Statue vomit. That's a rough name. I'd run away too if my teacher called me that. We'll call you, let's say, statue vomit, because you vomit statues. That's very Mean professor Another Michelangelo's David Excellent he's selling them Will this pay for my tuition

No But you're gonna have that guy knocking on your door And being like hey I don't know how I feel about being a mutant And you're not gonna let them stay No they're like what do you mean And then they're going to bitch about it because they're like, yeah, fuck that guy, come in.

Joel Samet accidentally starts another school for mutants. Yeah, basically the Brotherhood. Joel Samet's school for gifted youngsters who hate Professor X. But promise to be quiet.

Gifted quiet runaways. Is this a school? No, just a collection of kids. It's like, remember, children should be seen And not heard You sounded like a weird 1930s boarding school Walking around with like a cross Like, wait, what has happened to me?

What have I become? Fuck, this is not what I intended You're knocking on the door I'm like, just so you know, I am calling the police This has gotten worse within the last year. I don't know why. What do you mean? Are they misbehaving?

Are they misbehaving? Statue vomiter, come here. He's gotten good. He's vomiting. He's vomiting. The whole statue garden. Please apologise to our neighbour. And he gives you a little Michael Hitchell.

You can sell that. You know that having children just... This is wrong. This is crimes. You understand that? They were running away from those guys. It's fine. Nobody's shedding a tear for Professor X

and his big empty mansion. Wheeling around. I used to be somebody. Until that other school opened up. Why won't my children come home? Why don't they love me? And then Professor X is looking out his window at your house.

It's making a ruckus. I get it now. Well, they're loud. Especially the vomit boy. You can hear him three miles away. His superpower is his main power is that his vomit is very loud. What?

It's funny to be like, I'll get him back. Louder. Chunderstruck, that's his new name. Cyclops but screaming, that's his new name. Yeah, we forgot that Professor X, you could come around to complain. That whole scenario could go completely,

give me a second, Chunderchuck or whatever. Chunderchuck. Boop, bo chunder chuck or whatever go home yeah do you want this bat I brought I don't know why I brought it possibly as a gift do you guys want to play baseball I love you professor X let me kiss your head

kissing the head of professor X and solving no problems. Looking out my window. I'm moving. See, you want to move. I'm not upset about moving, though. I'm like, it's good to make a good decision. Sometimes you need to change the way you're living, you know?

I keep imagining the taste of Professor X's bald head. I don't know if you guys are. Salty, he's sweating, it's a hot day. I imagine like baby powder. Oh, like you powder? Yeah. Is that a thing people do? You powder your bald?

Why are you flicking his head rather than just kissing him? Well, you kiss and then you put a... You do one of these ones. Professor X is like, what's happening? I just wanted a taste I'm curious Have a good day I'm so sorry

Yeah baby powder I see I imagine it's salty If someone lets you kiss their head Don't lick it I don't know It's either baby powder Or grapefruit For some reason

Like you use like a Grapefruit body wash Yeah no possibly Is it a lick If you just poke them With your tongue It's not a lick. What is

wrong with you? That's a prod with your tongue. Yeah, do it. That's not a lick. Did you taste bad? Yeah. That's good. I tasted really sour. That's bad. That's very strange. Speaking of bad,

your choices for worst comic book city to live in. Bad, mine, worse. Kryptonopopolis. Kryptonopolopolis? Oh? No, not Metropolis, that's yours. Kryptonopolis. Kryptonopolis, mate. Come on down.

Which is the major city on Krypton after the first capital city gets shrunk by Brainiac and stolen. Okay. Rather than get that back or rebuild it, they're like, I guess this other city is now the capital. I don't know. The shrunk city seems worse currently.

Yeah, like you can't start being like a bad city. Okay, so remember that city next to the city that got shrunk and put in a bottle? I'd be like, yeah, well, hang on. Hang on. Let's explore the bottle. Yeah, you're be like, yeah, well, hang on, hang on. Let's explore the bottle. Yeah, you're right.

That bottle city bad, it's like Canton or something like that. I wish I could remember the exact name, but hey, that is not my special power. It's true. So yeah, bottle city seems bad. What did you hate about Metropolis? The Superman problem. One Superman. And what am I?

You're a man. Yeah, and what are all cryptons? Superman. Yes. So imagine? You're a man. Yeah. And what are all Kryptons? Superman. Yes. So imagine if instead of one Superman, there was every Superman and one guy. Does it work the opposite? Like, you know, Superman is powered by orange.

What colour is his sun? Orange? Well, it's not red. Does that mean if you go to Krypton, you suck even more? Yeah. Or is this like a John Carter on Mars type situation? You can jump really high. Where you become the better person and now you're the Superman.

You've just made his problem, but you're God. No, I like that. Hey, he's a metaphor. Oh, my God. Douche is an analogue. Hey, you two things. I just like the thing like I'm exactly the same, weaker, but can jump high.

But you don't want to because you don't want to land. Jump high with a parachute. I'm like a Mario brother with weak knees. It's so funny to imagine you being like that was good and I nearly fell and slowed. But I like to imagine you seeing like a criminal on like, I don't know, say a rooftop away

and you're like, I'll get you. Do your big job and slowly parachuting down as they go down the stairs and away. Hold on! Hang on. Hold on big job and slowly parachuting down as they go down the stairs in a way. Hold on. Hang on. Hold on. Hold on. No, they're gone.

Well, yeah, it's bad because, yeah, imagine like that many and everyone's really clever. I'm not. That's true. They're all scientists and stuff like that. Did you get sent as a scientist? They've got advanced technologies like black hole jails and stuff.

Did you get sent to Krypton the same way Superman got sent to Earth? So your parents are like, put this baby in a ship. I moved. I was like, I hate New York. Put me in a little ship as a baby. Hey, you got that baby, right? Put it on me.

And then Krypton. Wah, wah. Krypton. Krypton Markham and Krypton Parkham were like, we have a bad baby. Instead of being like, our baby is super power, they were like, oh no, it's worse. Are all the Kryptonians on Krypton like Superman?

Yeah, I always wondered this. Like if Superman goes to Krypton, does he just become a guy? Well, in Man of Steel, they're pretty good. Yeah, but can they fly? I know Rusty just has a bit of a swim. He doesn't fly, does he? He does big jumps, though, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, he does do big jumps from memory.

Hang on. What's a big jump? Is it a big jump? Yes. And what's flying? Well, it's all up to, you know, to bait. What is flying if not a big jump where you don't come down? Yeah, when a bird takes off, it jumps.

Okay, I'm looking at the sky and I see a few birds there. Oh, look at them jumping. Okay, Joel Zammett, if you are watching diving for some reason, there's nothing else on television. Your internet's broken, the diving's on. Every other channel is broken. All the channels are diving. They're like, what the fuck?

I close my eyes. You watch someone run up to the diving board and they jump. Yeah. That's a jump. But if they jump and then just go across and just keep going. I would say they're flying or hovering. I'd say at a certain point

if you jump enough, you're flying. People have come for comic book discussions and yet they're getting the textbook definition of what is a jump. I just feel... There is a thing, an arc to a jump. If I got up very high, Mount Everest, and I had... I would never say you are flying.

I would never. I would be like, dickhead slipped off the mountain and died. I thought you just meant, like, you were assuming that I said by being that high up, I'd... Hey, I'm flying. No, no, no. Mr Magooja way up a mountain I would also never say

Look at that plane jump I'm flying and dumb Yes No you're standing and dumb If I jumped off Mount Everest And landed in I don't know What's near Mount Everest Jackson?

No I want to land far away from Mount Everest Yeah what's near Mount Everest? Say I landed in What country is Mount Everest in?? No, I want to land far away from Mount Everest. Yeah, what's near Mount Everest? Say I landed in... What country is Mount Everest in? It's in Tibet, yeah? Don't know. Geography's not my strong point. Say I jumped off Mount Everest and I landed in Edinburgh,

but it was all a jump. At a certain point, I'm flying. No, you've just... Dusha maybe will be convinced. He is on my side. I am defending him with this. Are you? Yeah, because you want to say you're flying in Krypton

when you're only jumping. No, I don't want to say I'm flying. I think Kryptonians are only jumping. Yeah, they're just doing big jumps. It's on an arc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're on the same page. I'm lost.

You're right. Yep, you agree with Jack here. You know what? Take it. It's all yours. You can jump. Yep, you agree with Jack here. You know what? Take it. It's all yours. You can jump a very long distance without flying. Yeah, that's why it's called the long fly in the Olympics, correct? Yes.

No, it's called the long jump. You don't watch enough Olympics. You need to stop watching the diving and start watching the long jump. You're right. Also, I don't know what Kryptonian society is like. I just don't know. It seems bad. They wear bad clothes.

Yeah, they do wear terrible skin-tight leotards all the time. And cloaks over the top of them so it's both tight and loose. So it's the two types of annoying. No, because it's all the opposite. What's it made out of, material-wise? Some Krypton fabric, presumably. Does it breathe? Well, here's a weird thing,

is that the cape must only be fashion in Krypton because what's the function? You're presumably kept temperature-controlled by your leotard. Yeah. The cape's just for looks, baby. Yeah, fashion. Yeah, yeah. You would look good with a half cape off the shoulder.

No, I wouldn't. The Lando Calrissian. Yeah, you could rock that. Nah, a full cape. Okay, well. I wouldn't be confident enough. I'd look in the mirror as I'm about to leave and be like, you know what, this was a bad decision.

But you don't want to go capeless. I'm going to go capeless. Don't go capeless. People will be looking at my bum because they'll be able to see it. People are going to be like, wait a second, who's this guy? Where's his cape? Imagine you found out that every Kryptonian just had a bare ass. That's what the cape function was, to cover it.

We never invented asses in pants. Well, hang on, isn't it like one whole full piece? Yeah. So there's shit in that. They're going to have to take everything off, so they might have it. That is a real-life problem that real people have, and it's called a play suit.

Yeah, well well there you go You could revolutionise Krypton with pants Or a bum flap Or a cowboy pyjamas That's fair that's absolutely fair Well yeah up until I invent that Do you know what I am not? A seamstress Yeah no that's a fair point

But you have the concept You have the concept of pants You're like hey guys make guys, make a suit. Stop at the halfway bit. Presumably I am wearing pants. Oh, no, I was a baby. My bed, they think it's bedding. Wait, if you're a baby, do you have the concept of pants?

Or are you like, I'm a shit Krypton because I can't do big flies? I thought the confusing narrative we decided on was that Dushan was the man. Yes. And he was to live next to you. I'm aware. In the Marvel universe. Yes. And then he shot himself with a baby gun.

Yes. Put himself in a pod, shot himself to Krypton, was raised by a Kryptonian Mara Parkhain who were like, our baby is shit. Yes. Yes. So does he have the memories of A man? Of Marvel do you? Why has this become my decision?

You brought it up Yes So I can remember being a man He lives for about 10 years A hell of Having an adult mind In a baby's body And then my first words are

Hey let me tell you A story about pants And my old neighbour I hate You're just like there Putting on the Krypton thing As they get to the halfway You're like No stop Getting all like Baby stroppy My old neighbour I hate. You're just like there putting on the Krypton thing as they get to the halfway. You're like, no, stop!

Getting all like baby stroppy. Like, no! Yes, good, good, good. Bad, bad, bad. No! Oh, little baby doucher is angry. Hey, so does this take place before Krypton's destroyed? Yes.

That's pretty rough as well. Oh, yeah. The destruction of Krypton. So it's bad and then it gets worse when I die. That's pretty rough as well. Oh, yeah. The destruction of Krypton. So it's bad and then it gets worse when I die. Yeah, that is a shame. Or good because you're like, fuck this place. I get put in that black hole prison and survive. I'm like, got the phantom zone?

Yeah, it's cool that we created a very strange narrative where Superman stole the idea of sending a pod baby to Earth from you. Hey, it worked for that guy. Hey, where he came from, he was shit. What if we get how good baby and send it there? I've just created Jackson's problem. Oh, no, all these cities. So I created your.

And then it's just picked up to earth and hassles me. That's very similar to the Red Sun thing where Lex Luthor is. Yeah. And hassles me That's very similar to the red sun thing Where Lex Luthor is Yeah None of this would have happened If Xavier just kept his bloody mouth shut You know Yeah and on that note I've been Joel And I've been Jackson

Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows

you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps and if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now.

But not forever. Kisses.