Plumbing the Death Star - Which Comic Book Hero Would Make the Best Horror Movie Villain? LIVE

Episode Date: December 11, 2016

In which our heroes step up on stage, examine the villains of comic book fame, and then test them out for villainy as we ask which comic book hero would make a good horror movie villain? We talk the cuteness of maggots, give our house to Krypto the Superdog, and make love to a fish. Jackson paints a Lovecraftian picture of Aquaman, Duscher is scared of Superman's raw power, and Zammit just wishes people were more afraid of the Wolverine. So sit back and enjoy as the Plumbing Boys attempt to find the spookiest super hero they can. It ends up with Professor X because of course it does.Want to help defend third world countries against an Iron Man? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can start building defences.Everything is 20% off at https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.com including all 25 episodes of Hus Firma Pride! If you’re after a USB tape head to https://audiobooksontape.com or it’s a tee-shirt you’re after check out our store at https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio. In Sydney in Feb? Why not come see us live! Book your tickets here; http://edgetix.com/. And you can watch this episode, and more, on Sanspants CinemaScope here; https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbN8u4XzYwXQ-hLn-wgo3JwAnd if you find yourself with a spare 10 mins, help us out by filling in this survey; https://podcastsurvey.typeform.com/to/nRkFml. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Again, links in the show notes. All right, and now welcoming to the stage, Joel Zermatt! And exiting the stage Adam. Are you just going to go straight into it? Just going to power through?

I had a lot of pizza then I ran. Mistakes. Hey everyone! And welcome to a very special live edition of Plumbing the Death Star. You're giving me an eyeball because I didn't say live edition of Jackson Bailey Spooks America, are you? Sure did. No, I didn't notice. You couldn't explain what Jackson Bailey Spooks America, because it is a Patreon-only show,

so some of these people like what they're doing. Yeah, they figured it out. They got it. They're alright. In which we ask the important questions. Like, which comic book hero would make the best horror movie villain? Right, so, let's go. I'm going to put forward a couple of basically X-Men because that's just my wheelhouse. And I'm going to argue that not only would these people

make good horror movie villains, but that they are horror movie villains. So the first one I'm going to put forward is Wolverine. Yeah. Okay, so. He's scary. You can't kill him. He can track you wherever you go.

That's true. Because he's got a nose that smells good. Yep. And, oh yeah, knives for hands. Uh-huh. Which is always pretty bad. He blacks out and just goes berserk and will just slash people up. He's basically like a more handsome werewolf.

And, yeah, he is. He was a government experiment gone wrong. Werewolves are pretty handsome as well. Yeah, true. Yeah, okay. All right. No, I mean, I can see that. He's scary, but why, you know, is he targeting me?

Potentially. Have you done a crime? Your average schlub? Oh, potentially. Like, I know he's gone on like a cross-country kind of mission to track down Mystique. And she can change who she is as a person, like what she looks like. And he still finds her, because again, he can track anybody.

And if you do a crime, and you have been wanted to do crimes against mutant kind. I have. I have. Yeah, if anybody's tracking me down, it's Wolvie. But like, again, he's scary. You can't kill him. But when you see him,

you're going to be scared for your life, but not spooked. You know what I mean, you're going to be scared for your life, but not spooked. You know what I mean? You're going to be like, oh, I'm going to die. But you're not going to be like, oh, eerie. A muscular man. He's like a muscular short Canadian.

That's not like typical horror movie photo. Oh, no, I'm going to cut your butt. And you're like, oh, that's adorable. That's kind of cute. And then snicked in the gut hole. The gut hole? Yeah, right. In the belly. Oh, okay.

And you're dead. Yeah. Got him. I feel like if he was going full on and trying to spook you, like put him in a spooky costume, then I'm scared. Drape a cloak on him or whatever. Yellow tights. Okay.

Well. And blue underwear on the outside. Name me one other scary yellow horror movie villain. Yellow is not a scary color. Unless it's Puss. Puss is scary. I feel like there's definitely... Oh, no, that's not a horror movie.

Never mind. Carry on. What were you thinking? Yellow bastard? The dude from Sin City. He's a really horror movie villain, though. Yeah. And for a henchman of certain people,

the Wolverine would already be terrifying. Even for ninjas who are ninjas are terrified of the Wolverine. But I feel like Wolverine's not specifically scary. If I'm a henchman for a bad guy, I already know that two-thirds of the world might vaporize me in a second. But that's not scary. I'm constantly at a level of five on the ten meter. Imagine this.

Five on the ten meter. You're working for Department H. Yep, sure am. Like a government agent who made Wolverine Wolverine. Or Logan Wolverine. And you don't know what's going on. You're just a guard or someone. You're a cleaner, a janitor, right?

Of Department H. How well am I paid? Not very. Just typical maybe or someone. You're a cleaner, a janitor, right? Of Department H. How well am I paid? Not very. Just typical maybe government wage. Maybe you get some things. You get things in super. Do I know the secrets of Department H? Not at all.

Not at all. And there you are mopping up a floor and suddenly this naked, hairy Canadian with bits of metal coming off his face and then he's like, oh shit, he's holding daggers. His hands are daggers. Do I get a panic button in my job?

I would assume, yeah. Like an 800 number I can call? Nah, good secret. Because if you're a janitor and you're like, hey, here's your panic button. You're like, why? Well, I'm working for something called Department H. Fair enough. If you give me a panic button, I'm like, I imagine

I'll use this a lot. They'll be like, yes. I imagine so. We are doing untold tales of what we're doing here. Just horrible things. Just awful. But the pay's not even good. I quit. He's out of the line of fire now. Well, again, if Wolverine

was like, smells you, was like, well, he was here. I'm going to get him. And you got. I guess. I don't know. I'm just not that scared of Wolverine. I'm afraid of him, but I'm not scared of him.

I think that like Hugh Jackman's Wolverine is kind of intimidating. And if you saw kind of intimidating, like I could fucking take him in a fight. Yeah. Like you'd be like, oh, I guess I'm a bit on edge around this guy. But like comic book Wolverine, he's so little. Yeah, I know. It's hard to be scared of little things unless they're Chucky or the Leprechaun. Or like real little.

He's like halfway. He's just short. Name me a yellow short horror movie villain. Can't do it. Look, I think both Jackson and I are happy to admit that Wolverine could kill us. Yes. But I don't think we're going to be scared while it's happening. Round of applause.

Wolverine, scary horror villain? Not a single clap. Got you. Bullshit. Fucking suck it. I don't know. I was thinking he's like a wolf man. No.

No? All right. You got anything better? No. I'll save it for now. Pass that baton over to me. To moi. To you. Go on. Alright, so I'm going to pitch you this. This is how I'm going to do it.

Movie maintenance special. What? Okay, one night, right? I'm going to tell you the spooky story of this horror movie villain that's secretly a superhero. One night, a terrible alien sea creature washes up on the shore, okay? And this humble fisherman comes upon it. I'm not scared of Aquaman.

Shut up. Shut up. The horrible, strange alien sea creature engages in a night of terrifying copulation with this poor sailor who owns a lighthouse, okay? Then this creature gives birth to something that looks human but isn't and it has dominion over the entire sea tell me that Aquaman is not fucking terrifying now I'm scared

of his mum because that's fucked you never see his mum but you imagine don't worry about that Think about that If you're the lighthouse owner Hey, lighthouse owning is very lonely Sometimes you look out

You see a doodle and you're like Maybe a mermaid You're like, I'm giving it to it That's just living in a lighthouse Rules of the sea I could never do it So then, imagine you live in this town, and you know in the lighthouse lives this alien,

looks like you, talks like you, but doesn't think like you, isn't you, can't control fish. A nightmare. Sometimes it has a hook for a hand. All right, that's scary. That's so scary. And then he becomes king. He's the king of the sea.

Do you know how much more sea there is than land? So much, Dusha. There's a great deal of ocean out there. And he lords over all of it. Yeah, but I'm rarely in the ocean. Well, so is he. What? Aquaman spent so much time just in the lighthouse, in town.

Because Australia is girt by sea. Girt to fuck. Finally use that in a sentence. Are we kind of like under, like, imprisoned by? Yes! I mean, planes exist, so no. Waterspouts exist.

Yeah! Get them from the sky. If Aquaman wanted to, he could kill you wherever you are. Right here, right now. Water? Where is he? I look behind Dawn. But I think that's a pretty...

I think Aquaman has the origin story of like a Lovecraftian monster. Yeah, I guess. Because there's going to be a moment where he's looking in the mirror and maybe he'll just squint a little bit and then the squid face will just come out. Because you don't know what's under there. All right, I'm on edge now. Gotcha.

I think the problem with Aquaman is that orange and green again. Not very terrifying. Talking about scary colors, there are only very few. And these guys have a hook for a hand, which is a classic movie monster trope. He's so spooky. But in 2006. But he is blonde and handsome.

Yeah. He's pretty handsome for a monster. When he gets a beard. So is Dracula. But not blonde. But he's handsome. Nosferatu, eh? Well, not Nosferatu.

Well, of course not Nosferatu. But your basic Dracula's pretty babin'. Like, he's fuckable. He's well-dressed. Yeah, he's more well-d's pretty babin'. Like, he's fuckable. He's well-dressed. Yeah, he's more well-dressed than babin'. And it depends which Dracula. I guess it depends what you're into. Look, if you want to fuck a Dracula...

Fucking Draculas, clearly. If you like Widow's Peak and capes, then yeah. I like a good cowl. Then yeah, he's pretty babin'. No, but I think Aquaman's. We're not scared? I'm more scared of Aquaman than Wolverine, but only because of how you framed it.

When he comes out fully grown from the lighthouse, I'm like, you're a weird lighthouse man. That's just a guy. It's a dark and stormy night. You're on the beach. You've got your bonfire going on. You're doing all that. Making a clam Oh, boy. You've got your bonfire going on. You're doing all that, making a clam bake, whatever.

And in the silhouette, you see this terrifying sea creature that just pops up his head. And then he's like, oh, she's coming towards us. And he starts walking. And then he gets illuminated by the firelight. And I see it's a handsome blonde man. I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm like, would you like some clams? I'd be like, what were you doing in the sea, sir? Were you going out for a night swim? Are you wet, sir? Why? Take a seat. Enjoy the warmth. Alright, fine. I can see. Aquaman

scary? Yeah. Hey! Woo! I got a couple. He's kind of, he's scared of Wolverine, I guess. That was like seven out of 120 people. A little bit scary. A little bit scary. I'm going to go with an X-Men also.

This one is A Little Left Field. If people have read the Civil War comics but not the normal run, a side one, you might be familiar with him. Otherwise, you're going to have no idea. So I'll explain everything to you. Oblique. Alright, so this fella's name is Robbie Baldwin.

Good name. Speedball. The lamest superhero you can think of. First of all, he isn't born a mutant. There's a radiation due to an unknown form of energy which sets it off. Classic. And he can pretty much put himself in a bubble not scary

what happens though bubbles aren't scary fun he's responsible for well he blames himself for the explosion that starts the civil war which is a school being blown up 620 people died

he's real sad he can also run fast but nowhere near as fast being blown up. Okay. 620 people died. Scary. He's real sad. Oh, he can also run fast, so kind of like the Flash, I guess. Okay, cool. But nowhere near as fast. So a quick guy in a bubble. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Already terrifying, yeah. A couple of murders. Not scary at all. Also weirdly orange and blue. Orange and blue. Again, not scary colors. So yeah, this was pre-2009. Not telling me.

This is pre-2009. In 2009, what happened is a school blew up. He was meant to be there to stop it. He didn't. He wasn't. He caused it. He caused it.

He then freaks out about all of that, and his powers stop working. And the only thing that caused his powers to start working again is pain, and he becomes Penance. Okay. And Penance wears a suit that has- We've got one Penance fan in the audience. Penance is fucked. You shouldn't be a Penance fan. Don't be a fan of Penance wears a suit that has... We've got one Penance fan in the audience. Penance is fucked. You shouldn't be a Penance fan.

Don't be a fan of Penance or Speedball. Okay, so yeah, Penance, pretty much what happens is after the school blows up, he makes himself a suit that has 620-something spikes in it that stab him. God, I hope it's 620-something. It's like, I didn't get the kid that died in the school. He's like, I didn't get the exact that died in the school. I didn't get the exact figures. So 620-ish.

612. So what's 620 anyway? No, I'm sorry. The spikes are on the inside stabbing him. He's constantly bleeding and in pain. 60 of those spikes are extra long because they represent the children. So every time he uses his powers he remembers why

he can use them. I feel like if you're in that much pain, you're not going to notice the length of spikes. Because you're going to be like, it's all hurting. Yeah, so the scariest thing about this guy is obviously the fact that he had a lovely, he was a comic book hero that used to be used to advertise to children, and they just fucked him up real bad. Yeah, okay.

But imagine a dude that can run kind of fast just bleeding everywhere. Well, it's scary, but you know how Wolverine was frightening, but not scary? He's scary, but he's not frightening. If he comes up to me, I'm going to be like, hey, remember those kids you killed? And he'll just be like, oh! And I'm off! But it's like Freddy Krueger.

He'll be like, yes. No, because if you're like Freddy, remember those kids you killed? And he'll be like, ah! A pun! And also, I'm in my dreams. You you've got to be kidding me and then he slashes your face off then you wake up dead like that's the bad start to the morning uh like he's scary look well no he's kind of dumb looking yeah oh he looks dumb as but he he's bleeding everywhere. That's gross. It's kind of like, it's a red and gray costume from memory. Yeah. And just covered in spikes. So just remember the 90s of comic book and then just personify that.

Yeah. I just don't think he's spooky. I think he'd make an okay villain, but he's kind of got a tragic backstory that maybe the horror villain would kill. I just know I'm in no danger around him. His spikes are on the inside. If his spikes are on the outside, ah! But they're going in.

Well, it's kind of like reverse Hellraiser, really. You know why he's not scary? If I give him a hug, I kill him. As he comes towards you, just put your hand and just push him a little. Exactly. Push him over and he's gone. That's true.

Kill him with kindness. Or pushes, I guess. Which is how you kill a lot of horror movie villains. With kindness. Give him a cuddle. And also he's not that villain-esque. Because again, he's doing this because he done did bad. He's sad.

Why is Aquaman a horror movie villain? Because he's got a backstory. He's a sea creature that quite isn't. He's a sea creature pretending to be a man. He's a man that's not. I'm getting yelled at from a lot of different angles here. Okay, fine. He's a garbage one

and I hate him. Are you happy? A little bit, yeah. Is this good for you? A little bit. Still better than Wolverine. I hate you a little bit. Is he scarier than Wolverine? Yes or no? Clap if yes. Bullshit! Wolverine's terrifying! Is he scary in general? Let's get a clap. How gross is lots of blood?

Okay, look. You didn't even ask for a clap. Guys, yuck! I mean, if he was running really fast and bleeding everywhere, I would be less spooked and more concerned. I'd just be confused. Like, if I'm in my car and it's like... Someone should call the cops or I'll handle him.

I don't know. Yeah, but his costume's kind of dark. Imagine it's a dark alley and then all of a sudden you just see blood footsteps. Then all of a sudden he's behind you because he's real fast. And again I would be like, are you okay? Sir, you are bleeding a lot. Can I call you a doctor? It looks like you have like 620

something spikes in you. Did you kill kids? I have this inkling. My cousin was in Stanford and he cried. Show me the my cousin spike. Yeah. Piece of shit.

So, no, no, no. No, no, that's scary. All right, all right, all right, all right. I've got another X, man. Better one than Wolverine? Better one than Wolverine, I promise. All right, let's go. I think maybe Wolverine was Tobias.

Everyone's thinking, no, he's a hero. He's Canadian. No, he's just too short. Shut up. So, okay, another South African. Also weirdly foreign. Okay. He's South African.

Sure. His name is Maggot. He has no stomach. Okay. Instead, he has two maggots that are like the size of a small chihuahua or maybe like a beagle called Eenie and Meenie, and they will eat anything. And then when they eat anything, he turns blue and gets super powered. Take his maggots away.

But then they'll keep eating. Spray them with fly spray. Whatevs. So think about this. You are just like, whatever. You're running. You're in the forest. Nice spooky forest.

Classic spooky forest. Classy spook forest. Yep. And you just see this creature. And it's got like five glowing red eyes, and it just comes at you. It looks like a giant maggot. You're like, oh, shit, what's that?

Then a second one comes, and then it just starts eating a tree, and then it starts coming towards you creepily. And you're like, holy shit. And then some giant blue South African man comes at you with no stomach and punches you in the face. I think what's scary about him is that I just will not ever have any idea what's going on. I'll be like, that maggot's here. There's another.

Who's this? There's nothing scary about that because it's too confusing. Your brain just won't even be a fight or flight. It'll just be a huh? Fight, flight or what? And the maggots can eat you. Okay, will they though? Yes.

That's a guarantee. I've seen maggots, maggots. Yes. And they're kind of cute though. They are kind of cute. They've got like cute faces. They're not that hideous. I don't know.

They're kind of cute like a centipede can be cute. Yeah. Not really. As in they're not. Yeah. No, I don't know. Like maggots, maggots. I mean if they're coming. No, I don't know. Like maggots, maggots.

I mean, if they're coming for me, then uh-oh. But like on their own, if I saw a picture of maggot, I'm not that scared. But then, you know, I guess if I saw a picture of anything. Again, it's like a body horror thing because also they come from his body. Okay. So sometimes I imagine. Does he have to like cough them up? No, they just kind of burrow out from his abdomen. Does he have a hole there?

I think they make a hole. Well, I'm unhappy. So it's kind of like, you know, it's a kind of Cronenbergian, kind of like the fly, a bit body horror-esque. Okay, here's how it would be scary. If I see just this guy lying in the middle of the woods and I'm like, what is this guy? Do I need to

call you? I bumped into a guy in an alley just bleeding. I'm having one hell of a day. And I go and I lean down and then his stomach starts rumbling and out pops this giant maggot. Two giant maggots. But see, the second one's like, you're like, what? And then the second one's like, how full of maggots is this guy? And then you're waiting.

Ah, just two, I guess. The maggot's just eating trees. You're like, I reckon there might be more in this fella. The fella wakes up. How many maggots have you got? Oh, so that's scary. You know, his body up how many maggots have you got? So that's scary. You know, his body erupting maggots. But then what? You know?

Yeah, no, there's the initial spook and then nothing. It's like a ghost. You're like, ah! Oh, yeah. I think he's scarier than A, Penance, and B, Aquaman. Yeah. Oh, he's scarier looking, certainly. Yes. Yeah, alright, I'll give you that. I'll give you that.

What do you think, Dusha? Look, actually, no, you're right. The maggots themselves are scary. And honestly, in that situation you described before, the most scared I am is when it eats a tree. Because I'm like, what the fuck? What if you were driving on a highway? I'm way less

scared now. My car's bigger than a maggot. But then, a maggot appears on the top of a car in front and eats that car. Scarier if the maggot's in the back seat. And I'm like, I'll adjust the rear view. And it's eating the back of your seat like a moth will eat a suit. Scarier if it's just sitting there. Because I'm like, ah, and it doesn't move. And I'm like, what do I do?

And then just like smoking a cigarette. Nothing in my life. Tusha, keep driving doesn't move. And I'm like, what do I do? And then just like smoking a cigarette. Nothing in my life. Dusha, keep driving. All right. We got places to be. I guess demonic. How scary it like turns. It's like, take a left here, right here.

You're at the front of a biker bar. It just goes in. So it's just the plot of Collateral starring Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx. But I'm Jamie Foxx and a maggot is Tom Cruise. Doing murders all over the city till four in the morning. Yeah, a man will fall in my car and the maggot will be like, drive off. I mean, that's scary. Yeah, I prefer that.

And plus, if maggot ever does do murders, he can get rid of the body like that and maggots just eat him. Yeah, all right. He's maggoting. What do we think on a clap scale? Scariest of the night. We're getting there. We're building it up. It's a slow burn. Scariest of the night. We're getting there. We're building it up. It's a slow burn. Jackson, me.

Ruin the momentum. Pitch something awful. You've got to, for this one, imagine that you live in a war-torn country. And you're not involved in whatever the conflict is. You just live there. Right? But war's happening all the time. There's like, maybe there's

a terrorist. Maybe there's like, it's bad. And then one day, you're just in your village, kicking it, you know, with your dodo dog or whatever. And suddenly you see in the sky this red streak. And you're like, what is coming? Maybe then it lands in the middle of this red and gold robot.

Because you don't know what it is. It just starts blasting all of these people around that look like terrorists. They all die, and then it leaves. And you're like, what happened? What is going on? Iron Man. Iron Man, specifically from Iron Man 1, the movie,

because he just turns up and he's like, those are people's brothers and dads. That's scary as. Yeah. You turned it off. Or is it just broken? If I was in a war-torn country and if I just saw a robotic man...

You don't know it's a guy. It's just a robot. Just... Then yeah, that's terrifying. And then he's off again. What was that? Will he come back? I'm there hiding behind some rubble.

Dad's fighting something good. Then I look back up and then there's this golden red blur just blew him off. Exactly. That's so scary. Or in the first suit where it's just this big walking him off. Exactly. That's so scary. When the first two were just this big walking grey thing. Yeah. You'd think it was a golem.

I would. Dusha? I'm scared. I'm a spook. That's fucked. I'm glad I just won. There was no resistance. Maybe you got like a shitty TV and you get like maybe the American News and it's some billionaire playing with his toys. That's also terrifying. Well no, because that's less scary and you get like maybe the American News and it's some billionaire who's just playing

with his toys. That's also terrifying. Well, no, because that's less scary because you're like, ah, it was just another act of war. It sucks living in this.

It's globally scary. Yeah. It's like... I guess the billionaires have drones now. I guess everyone's coming to get us. See, that's less scary

and more just tragic. i'm not happy but i think i'd be afraid of them if as as i would be afraid of like the american army you know what i mean i guess it's sort of just like a new scarier military like i'd be like the same level of fear i have maybe for a drone i would have yeah i guess i guess iron man in many ways is like it's like a drone that defeats the purpose of a drone it's a drone with a guy in it damn

so less scary and more like sad has technology gone too far but you wouldn't see it that often that's the scary part you'd read about it straight away yeah I know but you don't know when it's coming that's scary a bit

honestly if someone wanted to nuke us you don't know when it's coming that's scary a bit honestly if someone wanted to nuke us i wouldn't know it was coming yeah i guess he's just gone yeah shadows in the pavement that's sad iron man is tragic iron man maybe is scary because if you're just an average joe you're like iron man is declaring war like that's scary like iron man is an american billionaire well yeah you're like crazy people that are like i want to have a sovereign state declaring war. That's scary. Iron Man is an American billionaire killing crazy people that are like, I want to have a sovereign state so I can make my own money and do all that kind of stuff.

If Iron Man was revealed to be that, it would make more sense. Wouldn't you be scared? Say Iron Man goes to Russia and starts just blasting people. You're like, well, maybe Russia will have a thing or two to say about that. And then we're in trouble. Well, not us, but America's copping it. is just blasting people. You're like, well, maybe Russia will have a thing or two to say about that. Yes.

And then we're in trouble. Yeah. Well, not us, but America's copping it. Well, that's a bit scary. Not like horror movies scary. It's not horror movies scary. Political thriller scary? No, not even.

Because again, it's like it happened with the Mandarin. He's like, please don't make threats against a terrorist. Oh, shit. He blew up his house. That's American soil. Oh, no. I guess if I'm like, Iron Man is scary for terrorists. It's not really a great argument.

No. Also, it's pretty much just the plot of Watchmen. Because like Dr. Manhattan's like, I could just make everything disappear. The Russian's like, I don't like that. But Dr. Manhattan lives on Mars. He's not just about. But that's pretty close for something that can just teleport.

Yeah. Look, you had me until I thought about it for like a moment. And then, oh, no. I should have just breezed past. You should have been like, yeah, well done. So Iron Man scary? God damn it.

No, don't clap. I didn't get a pity one. I didn't get a pity one. He don't get a pity one. Shut up. All right. I'm going to take a similar approach to Zznotzamit. You didn't do this. Jackson, I'm going to pitch this and not tell you who it is.

All right. But like your pitches, you'll probably guess straight away. Okay. All right. So first off, an alien. Okay. Yep. It gains powers as it gets older and more adapted to.

It lives on Earth. As it gets older, it gets more and more powerful. And the only way to stop it is to blow up the sun because it gets its powers from the sun. We also need the sun. Yes. It's a Superman. Yes.

also need the sun. Yes. It's a Superman. Yes. Also, he's unstoppable and nothing kills him except blowing up the sun or putting him in the sun. But only for a bit because if you leave him in there and then take him out too soon

then he's like super Superman. How but? Kryptonite, yeah? Kryptonite and Lex Luthor is Lex Luthor yep is the president for a bit so if Superman

attacks us that's happening we're prepared okay if Superman goes bad that's what I'm assuming is happening it's kind of like

is scary as like a Godzilla attack yeah is Godzilla scary no have we had this argument yes whoa

flashback but Godzilla is not scary because I'm like I can't do shit yeah Is Godzilla scary? No. Have we had this argument? Yes. Whoa. Flashback. But Godzilla, he's not scary because I'm like, ah, I can't do shit. Yeah. Whatever, he squashed my house. Ah, dang. I would try to.

Same with Superman. Like, ah, what's that? Ah, he squashed my house. Ah, damn. I would legitimately try and climb Godzilla and punch it in its head. Punch it in its eyeball. Yes. You could get your hand right in there.

It's only weakness. They don't try that. Imagine being elbow deep. Like it in its eyeball. You can get your hand right in there. It's only weakness. They don't try that. Imagine being elbow deep. In Godzilla's eyeball. Pull out the cornea. You're like, ah! And everyone's like, I don't know what that is. It's too hard to tell what he's doing. Then I fall. Godzilla's like, ah!

Everybody applauds me as a hero, posthumously, because I fell. I like that you took my story and made it about you. That's rude. You're remembered as a hero even though I died. You're still alive. And again, you can't poke Superman's eye

because he's invulnerable. Yeah, they try that in Superman Returns with a bullet and it bounces off. Plus he's as big as me, so if I went to poke him he'd just be like, ow, quit it. How many times has Lex Lister been successful? Not once. Well, once.

Yeah, All-Star Superman's his plan, but then he just lives in the sun. Surprise. Okay. He's not that terrifying. Colours, again, not scary. What about when he dies and comes back and he's black? If he's naked, I'm afraid.

Imagine a naked, muscular guy with the perfect hair flying around the country, zapping people. That's real scary. You're like, why is he nude to me? That's kind of like the Terminator, except without guns. Laser eyes. That's fucked. And yet when Wolverine was naked and just clawing people, that wasn't scary.

He's too short to be scary. He was hairy. Hair does not scare. Remember the rhyme, Zabit. Remember the rhyme. Hair, hair. Hair, hair. But I just don't think Superman's that scary.

It's a Terminator, but better. Because you got rid of all the robot weakness bits. Cyborg Superman is scary. Superman ain't scary. It's a Terminator, but better. Because you got rid of all the robot weakness bits. Cyborg Superman is scary. Superman ain't scary. Cyborg's scary, but he would just do Terminator and just zap, zap, zap. Superman, if he wanted to, could just fly up a bit, then turn around and just fly straight through the core of the Earth and kill us all.

Yeah, but he doesn't. Wolverine doesn't murder me either. But he does murder other people. See, a JLA who would be scary Would be Martian the Manhunter Because his name's Manhunter And that's scary I don't know why Martian Manhunter's called Manhunter When's he ever hunted a man?

He's from Mars, he changes shape into different things He could just assume your identity After he hunted you because you're a man Manhunter He could assume your identity and you hunted you because you're a man. I thought you were going to say hunter. He could assume your identity and you wouldn't realize and then he'd kill you. Yeah, that too. Like that's his sneaky plan. You're like, I guess it's just me at the bar. Boo!

Oh, no! He's terrifying. Justice League is fucked. None of them should be mates. I agree. Superman should be like, your name's Martian Manhunter. I'm not about that You hunt man

Green Lantern's What? Green Lantern's weakness is fear Which is Batman's primary attack Why are they friends? Keep them in separate rooms Also he's a space cop Why is he constantly on Earth?

There's a lot of problems with the Justice League But I don't think Superman's that scary I'm just not afraid Laser eyes He could just slowly melt your brain. Yeah, but then I'm gone. No, who's the scariest in Superman? His dog, who also has laser eyes.

That's who I was going to suggest next. Because a dog doesn't have reasoning. It doesn't. Superman comes at you and you're like, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate. You were raised in Kansas. You love Earth. I'm from that place.

Martha, Martha, Martha. Crypto comes up. He's like, huff, huff. And you're like, what? And it's like, gone.uff And you're like What? And it's like Gone Yeah you're like You wanna play ball

And they're like Oh shit And they'll zap you Exactly Plus a dog flying Alone is scary Like Gimbo Ah

And that dog Sometimes has a cape Yeah Terrifying Does it pick its people? Is it people? And also what happens If it gets rabies Or when it got rabies and it ate two kids?

Yeah. Yeah. Terrifying. What about Supergirl's spirit the super horse? Yeah. A horse that wants you dead and can achieve that goal. Well, like Super Chimp. Any of the super animals, Dusha, are infinitely scarier than Superman.

Because Superman, whilst an alien, was raised as a man. He looks like a fella. And, you know, he can reason with that. I can't reason with a dog. I can be like, damn. And the dog can be like, no. Food. That's the scariest thing to imagine ever.

Just be like, sit. And the dog just looking at you and be like, no. You're like, wow. Imagine trying to toilet train Crypto. Do sure I will not. Excuse me, Crypto, could you please not poop on the rug? It would be real nice. I own you now. I guess that's fine.

Poop on the rug. I'm so sorry. Please, the house is yours, Crypto. Have my bed. I'll sleep in the dog. That's a dog that owns you. No, thank you. I'll own dogs. Thank you very much. So, Superman, scary? Crypto scary.

Crypto terrified. Scariest of the bloody night. But crypto wouldn't exist without Superman, so all those claps are for me. I mean, I guess. Sure. All right. It was my turn.

All right. Since you all did a pitch, I'm going to pitch you something. Okay. Say you're going down to a quaint little town somewhere in the middle of America. And so you go there, you greet this lovely man, and that's kind of awesome.

I just bought a house near here. I'm going to live my life here. Maybe I'm going to become a farmer. And he's like, oh, fantastic. That's fantastic. And you live your life, and that's real good. And he's like, oh, fantastic. That's fantastic. And you live your life. And that's real good. And so you start doing that. And you go down the general store. And you're like, oh, hey, can I grab some tools?

And you're like, you look familiar. And it's the same guy that served you initially. And you're like, oh, OK. Maybe he's got two jobs. That's fine. That's fine. And then you're like, oh, look, I might have hurt myself. So I'm going to go to the doctor. And so you go to the That's fine. And then you're like, oh, look, I might have hurt myself, so I'm going to go to the doctor.

And so you go to the doctor's office, and behind the receptionist, it's the same guy. And then the doctor calls you in, and you're like, huh. Same dude. You're like, maybe, is it quadruplets? Quintuplets? What's going on here? And then you're like, whatever, put them back.

It's fine. It's fine. It just happens every day. It's a successful family. And then you go to the supermarket. And then you're like, whatever, put them back. It's fine. It's fine. It just happens every day. It's a successful family. Yep. And then you go to the supermarket. And as you go and check out, you look up and you're being served by the same guy. And then you look up and everything's being stocked by the same guy.

Suddenly, you're in a world of multiple men. And he's everywhere. And it's just seconds before you become him too. Imagine being besieged by the one person who is many. That's a true nightmare. I'm going to tell you why I'm not scared of this. At all.

Good, because I'm terrified. That's good. I'm here to calm you. When you were telling that story, Zahmet, both of you were looking at me, and it made it feel like you both were in it, and you were like, let's just spook the shit out of Jackson. What if two men had the same name?

Uh-huh. It's a multiple, Joel. Kill him. Throw a rock at him. All right. So how many people would it take, Jackson, with the same face that you saw in the same day before you get scared? Like, two?

Really, two. What if you think twins? Ah! What's happening? Alright, I'm going to answer that for you. I'm going to say at least four. Because the second one I don't think you're even going to notice. Third one you'll be like, this is weird.

Fourth you'll be like, what is going on here? Once you get past, like, six, you're like i'm being truman showed truman showed truman showed what the latest seasons of the truman show where they're like ratings are down let's just make him go fucking nuts maybe just see the same person over and over so we're just gonna release you know that road out of town that's always blocked off we're just gonna going to put a bear there? We're going to put one bear there every day until they reach town. That's the new plan. That's Truman Show season 12. 12?

Whatever. 12-year-old fighting a bear. Well, okay. Not the exact plot of the Truman Show, but I would feel like, okay, this is a prank. I'm on TV. But what about if you're like, this is a prank, so less being Truman Showed and more Ashton Kutcher's Punked. Yeah, but punked wrong. I'm not scared.

Ashton Kutcher's punked wrong. But what about when you go to sleep, you wake up the next morning, there's still the same fella? I would think, I'd be like, there's a lot of people watching my day. I'd be scared to shit.

But apart from that. I think I'd think I was going nuts. Like I wouldn't immediately assume it was the person I was seeing. I just think I was going like, oh, I'm off. And again, it's a slow process over many

months where everyone just becomes the same person. I think it becomes scary once everybody is the same. Well, once a quarter of the people in the world are the same guy. I'm worried. I think it's scary after four then fine after six. It's scary again when you're speaking to two of the same person.

At the same time. Yeah, like. What's happening to the other people I know? Oh, they're moving away? Too many multiple men. There goes the neighborhood. Too many multiple men. Crushing the economy.

No thank you. And they just go to another town. Financially scary. Yeah, though. Well, like he's taking jobs. He's taking all our jobs. Goddamn multiple men taking our jobs. He's a scary. Yeah, though. Well, like, he's taken jobs. He's taken all our jobs. Goddamn multiple men taking our jobs. He's a receptionist and a doctor.

Yeah. And he's working, like, a whole supermarket by himself. Actually, what if, oh no, I was going to say, what if I became good mates with him, but it's all different fellas, isn't it? No, they have the same kind of high brain if they get sucked up again. Yeah, what if I just became friends? Oh, then you're fine. I'm not scared anymore. Haha, you played yourself! And I also, again, like, that's not that, then you're fine. I'm not scared anymore. Ha-ha, you played yourself.

And I also, again, that's not that scary. It's scary. If, like, okay, it would be scared if, like, I'm going to bed with two, like, whoa. I'm going to bed in a house where three people live and I wake up in the morning and those two people are now the same person but not someone that they would, not the same person.

But actually, is that how multiple man works? Does a multiple man just make a multiple man? He smacks himself and makes multiple copies, they go over to the world and he brings them back. It would only scare me if people were being replaced. Yeah, it's the same. Because if people are just getting multiple... Fair enough, he's not replacing them. Does overcrowding

scare you? No. A bit. Yes! Wait, he'll crash the housing market. I's not replacing them. Does overcrowding scare you? No. A bit. Yes. Wait, he'll crash the housing market. I'm not about that. Again, multiple man is financially frightening. We're going to get the big short two out of this. Hey. Because I feel like me and the rest of humanity would team up to fight the multiple man. I'd be team multiple man.

You're going to lose. Our good mate, Dusha. Team humans. No no no Is multiple man like a frightening prospect? Smattering I'll take that Crypto the super dog is still terrifying

I was going to pitch crypto Well now you didn't So what are you doing now? Okay so I kind of ignored the premise of the question For this one. All right. So they're not a comic book hero.

All right, so I guess I'll pitch it the same way. So imagine that there is this intergalactic, interdimensional traveler, okay, who occasionally turns up in our plane of existence, in our time period, and just nabs women to take away for who knows how long. He's a war criminal. He did a genocide. And he's constantly trying to get killed by the rest of space that

know what a danger he is. I'm talking about Doctor Who. And no one knows his name. Nobody knows who this guy is. He is terrifying. He's an interdimensional intergalactic criminal that kidnaps people. Exactly. And then he always drops them off and because of how good

was like not this place. Yeah. And then they're forever ruined. He hurts people's feelings. He does. The biggest crime of all. It's kind of like if we went, I don't know, like in a jeep to like, where do orangutans live? Borneo.

Right, and we're like, oi, orangutan, get in this jeep, hop in. He's like, whoop, whoop. And then we like take him to the city. We get that orangutan, lick it up. We give it fatty food. Yeah. And then we're like, look at this amazing city. And he's like, that's crazy.

We teach him to talk. We give him cigarettes. And then we take him back to where. We'd teach him to talk. We'd give him cigarettes. And then we'd take him back to where he was, kick him out of our Jeep, and off we go. Never see that orangutan again. He's going to tell his orangutan buddies all his crazy stories. No one's going to believe him. No?

They're going to think he's insane. Exactly. And that orangutan is always going to pine for liquor and cigarettes. And cigarettes. He's never going to get them. He's always going to be waiting for that Jeep to return. It'll be the orangutan who waited. Oh. That is terrifying. I think it's so scary. never going to get him. He's always going to be waiting for that jeep to return. It'll be the orangutan who waited.

That is terrifying. I think it's so scary. And he's dressed in a suit sometimes. I know. Talking about spooky colours. Sometimes he's bright, often not. Blue is a frightening colour. Eccleston Doctor Who because he was weird looking. Shaved head. Shaved head.

Why is he doing that? Shaved head. Shaved head? Why is he doing that? Shaved head? Leather jacket? Oh my god. Scary. Is he going to mug me as well? I am a frightened of this man. Imagine you're just like walking along the street. You see this phone box. You're like I didn't think in Australia we had blue phones. What? And then you see this woman step in and it disappears

and you're like where'd she go? Do I tell someone? Hello officer. I've seen a kid. It was one of your boxes, though, officer. It had police written on it. And if you knew that person, they just up and disappeared. Yeah, they're just gone. You forgot the time part, though,

because a lot of the time the person doesn't actually go missing because time doesn't pass. So then the box appears, a lady walks in, disappears, appears, lady walks out and she's like 10 years old. I was going to say, what if you're like your lovely fiance, you're like, oh, we're going to go get married. This box

appears, this crazy man in a suit, in a powdered blue suit comes in, grabs her and then comes back and she's suddenly 50. And you're like, dang, you got old? You're like, I don't know quite what happened. Go up to the guy and you're like, fella, does your box

age people? Is that what's going on? You got one of them aging boxes? This is another episode of Ashton Kutcher's Pongtong. You'd be talking out of face being like, is this fake? Is this real? Did you for real disappear? Did you for real get old? You know, actually, like, Doctor

Who often looks like a magician, so I might just assume magician shenanigans. Yeah, if he was like, just went ta-da, I'd be like, wow! Do you need a donation or something? That's real. Can I hire you for birthdays? Imagine just handing Doctor Who a 20. You'd just be like, what?

That's less scary then. Yeah. Way less scary. Stick with dogs. Scary if you go with Doctor Who and you don't know what you're in for. Say Doctor Who somehow breaks with tradition, and instead of taking a woman from London in the present time, he grabs me, like, from my house in the sticks.

Yes. He's like, Jackson, time adventures. I'm like, okay, sweet. He shows me the horrors of the universe drives me back i'm like did those saltara did they have necks he's like no like there are alien species out there that their sole intent is to destroy earth do you reckon if one of doctor who's ladies sees doctor who again on another adventure, she's allowed to tag along again? That happens. And kind of.

Not for long, though. But does the Doctor kind of like, oh, I kind of liked you when you were younger. He's not even like that. He's like, I have tired of you. I am ageless and your lives are a blip to me. You are very boring. I have to make another me to love you. Yeah.

Doctor Who's just kind of like a bad person. Does he treat us like pets? He's kind of a dick. He's kind of like, oh, I'll get this pet. And you're like, oh, I can't go back to the dog thing. I love this dog. It's great. Well, it's getting old in years.

I'll get a puppy. I've kind of done everything I can with, you know, Catherine Tate. Let's grab a newie. No, no, no. I don't know. What he should do is just take lots of them and then go on adventures with one and drop her off. Then he doesn't have to flit around.

Yeah. I'm just trying to think of how to improve his system. Anyway, how do we spooky as Doctor Who? Give us a clap. It's the Godzilla thing again. How is it Godzilla? Because, like, it's the same thing. Like, oh, the world might be blown up, but, like, whatevs.

Because, like, sure. But you know it's not happening now. Yeah. You just know it might happen eventually. You, like... It's terrifying. Space is full of terrible, terrible monsters. And for some reason, all of them want to get London.

Yeah. You just know that now. And that... No one you can tell. That creepy Satan thing chained up. The devil exists. Yeah. Uh-oh. It's on an asteroid. What's that about? Are you going to do anything about it? Doctor's like,

nah, there's a rhino man on the moon. I gotta get out of here. And then you're like, oi, Captain Jack, what's death like? He's like, nothing. There's nothing there. There is nothing. I cannot help. I cannot die, but the devil exists. Yep. Enjoy that.

Bye. Bye. Good luck. Hey, who did Catherine Tate play? What was her name? Donna. Donna. Guess what?

If you ever see me again, that's you done. Bye. Oh, yeah. All those space adventures, you don't remember. You don't remember them. No reason. That's perfect. That solves all of your spooks.

He should erase all of their memories every time he drops them. Actually, it's not fair. That will't remember them. That's perfect. That solves all of your spooks. He should erase all of their memories every time he drops one. Actually, not fair. That will be less scary. But then that's scary to find out about. But you wouldn't ever because your memory wasn't erased. I meant for one of us to find out about. Yeah, not fair. Yeah, so good.

Wait, my pitch or how do I feel about it? Your pitch. I already got my clap. I'm good. That's fine. All right, my pitch. This one is an obvious choice. So I thought I'd save the most obvious for last.

Okay. A classic move. All right, so you're in an alleyway. Sure am. You and your friend have been, I don't know, mixed up with something bad. I don't know. Maybe you've done something dumb.

Like you've robbed a convenience store. It happens. Whoopsies. You look. Walking Like, you've robbed a convenience store. It happens. Whoopsies. Look, you're... Walking along, you're like, is this a piece? Okay. Guess I was packing heat. I thought I packed a sandwich.

It was a gun. Hey, hey. Classic me. I don't have any cash, but you want to? You know what? I could really go with Slurpee. By whatever means. It's a real shitty town.

No one grows up on the right side of the tracks. It's all wrong side of the tracks. Other side of the tracks is this seat. Exactly. So like, I don't know, you've got mixed up into some trouble. Maybe gang related. Maybe you've just accidentally joined a gang. Whoops. You throw up a hand sign, everyone's like, you're in this gang now.

You're like, fuck. Here's your piece. You're like, thank you.'s like you're in this gang now You're like fuck Here's your piece You're like thank you Oh jeez Anyway you're in an alleyway You're with one other guy Then all of a sudden that guy just disappears What?

You see like a noise You turn around He's gone Where'd my mate go? It's dark It's spooky Is it perhaps too sure A dark night?

Yes Yes it is. Well, uh-oh. So yeah, your mate's gone. You're like, what just happened? I don't know. This town's kind of shitty. Who knows what happened?

So you keep walking and then all of a sudden the lights flicker or something or you see a shadow or you hear some noise. You're like, something's not right. Then all of a sudden, you're just like no longer standing on the ground you've just been lifted up and just yelled like got him

classic Batman so like yeah Batman's fucked cause first of all he's got like the night stalker thing which a lot of horror movie villains have I do all my crime in the day okay good luck sleeping at night that's worse stalker thing, which a lot of horror movie villains have. I do all my crime in the day. Okay, good luck sleeping at night.

That's worse. Are you sleeping at night? No, you dickhead. You're going to rob a bank during the day. You go to bed, you get punched in your head. That's a rude awakening. Nobody wants to wake up to a fist in the

face. I'd be like, Batman, what did you do that for? Bang. Got him. That's a rude awakening. Nobody wants to wake up to a fist in the face. I'd be like, Batman was rude. What did he do to us? Bang. Got him. You know what's really scary about Batman is that you know he won't kill you. That's actually scarier than thinking he might. He'll break your legs.

He'll break every fucking bone in your body. He'll throw you off a building. That's fine because he'll think about it like, no, three stories. Just going to fuck him up good. Something I've always thought about Batman is that if I knew about Batman, and I knew he had this policy, he doesn't kill. And he did that classic Batman move where he's got me by the leg

dangling me off the bridge, like the building. I'm going to be like, I know you're not going to drop me. What are you going to do, Batman? No, but then he might drop you. Because that's the thing. Batman's real clever. The fall won't kill you. Oh, damn. Just break your legs. I'm going to be dangling there like, whatever, Batman.

Oh, fuck. My bone's poking out. God damn it. And he'll be like, you're not dead though, are you? I guess not. Got him. Got him. That's it.

Alfred's just like, why do you keep saying that Alfred I got him good Batman is very scary plus you've got the gravel voice gravel voice lots of gadgets none of them nice to you slow build up with the gadgets

you're like as that batarang goes around you're like oh crap he's here more batarangs oh god and he's got a signal in the sky you see goes around, you're like, oh, crap, he's here. Thoof, thoof, more Batarangs. Oh, God. And he's got a signal in the sky. You see that signal and you're a criminal, you just go.

And you're in Gotham, so everyone's a criminal. You know, if you were clever, damn it, with your night to day thing. Yes. You do your crimes during the day in, no, in Gotham. Sleep in Metropolis. Oh, son. Take the train. Take the train.

Nap in Metropolis. Wake up at night Take the train. Nap in Metropolis. Wake up at night. Because Superman ain't patrolling at night. He's a daytime hero. Superman's a daytime hero and Batman's a nighttime hero. Just ruse them good. Play them off each other. It's a good one. It's easy because what would happen is you'd go to bed

in Metropolis. You'd wake up in the air as Superman carries you to Batman. Dame. Surely the penguin or something bed in Metropolis, you'd wake up in the air as Superman carries you to Batman. Dave. Surely the penguin or something has thought about this and been like, you know what? Best not. Nah, fair.

Gotham alone, you're like terrified all the time. But the guy who's meant to be protecting you, you're also scared. Everyone's scary. The police are corrupt as well. He'd be a really good bedtime story to tell your kids to keep them in line. Yeah, true. So you're like, don't misbehave or the Batman will get you.

You're going to be like, Becky, I love you, but we're in Gotham, so there's like a 90% chance you'll join a gang. Okay? Accidentally sometimes. At the end of high school, instead of having like a job meet, it's like Penguin, Joker, Riddler, and they're like, join the gang. Don't, or the Batman will get you. You know what I mean? Yeah. And if you must pick Riddler

because he's kind of a joke. I don't really know what you're going to do. If you're clever, I guess you go Riddler. You're probably not going to get hit. You might go to jail. Batman is terrifying. Batman is so scary. Plus, he looks like a bat. The scariest of animals. Yeah. I mean, not heaps like a bat.

Like a bit like a bat. A bit. I don't know why Batman never did like a bat, the scariest of animals Yeah I mean not heaps like a bat Like a bit like a bat I don't know why Batman never did like a bat nose On the front of his mask Think about it Are you scared? Now think about the bat nose That's real scary Bat's noses are like wrong pig's noses Yeah but put that on a man's face

That's like what is he? I know he on a man's face. That's like, what is he? I know he's a scary man, but now he's a scary bat man. But no, it's a bat nose on a mask and you can see his mouth. Frankly, I'd be more scared of man bat if I'm honest with you.

Well, yes. What if Batman made his mask look like a bat head? Like no skin. Like a skull? No like a bat like head? Like no skin Like a skull? No! A bat's head No! Is Batman scary? Is Batman scary? The most obvious

choice wins again Alright, alright, alright My last hero That would be a very scary horror villain. Batman was my last one as well. Don't pause back. I've got nothing.

Okay. Last one. Last one. Last one. Here we go. All right. So I want to imagine that you are a young psychic. Sure am.

That you have psychic abilities and you go to a school for people of your kind. Yep. A school for gifted youngsters? Gifted youngsters, perhaps. And you are a scientist. You already know. You have some basic training. Sure.

I can read thoughts. You can read thoughts. I can think thoughts really good. You can protect your mind, all that kind of stuff. You're very good. You're all right. Okay. So you're sitting in class, and you can just shield everything

so nothing's getting to you. And you're having a good time, So you're sitting in class and you can just shield everything so nothing's getting to you and you're having a good time and you're realizing that everyone around you is in unison. There's no one really kind of playing up in class. Everyone is just kind of deadly focused on the bald professor in front of you. He's not talking. He's just staring intently and everyone is just absorbing this knowledge.

And you look up and you realize that you're not one of them because you're a psychic. You can block all this out. And you start realizing that this is strange. Yeah, well, I mean, yeah. These people seem kind of mind controlled. And then as one, a class of 30 people just stare at you. And the bald man, what's wrong, Gene? Is something the matter?

And then just wheels out. Where's he going? And then you notice that everyone in the school is real well behaved. It's basically a Goosebumps novel. The scariest book. I mean, Professor X is the scariest man. And somehow the fact that he's wheelchair bound makes him terrifying. There's always this thing where it's like, because he pretends like he's a good guy. There's always this moment where you

work out that the good guy is the villain and then there's that moment where you have to pretend that you don't know. But the moment that you know, he knows you know. Yeah. And I don't think you're leaving that school. Like if I went in there and Professor X was like, come here, I'm spooking you with

my spooky powers. And I'm like, not for me. I'm spooking you with my spooky powers. And I'm like, not for me. I'm going. I don't think I'd be allowed to. No, you're not. I'd be like taking a step and he'd be like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And I'd just swivel around and walk back in.

And you sit back. I'm like, I guess this is for me. Is this good for me? Yeah, it's very good for you. Did my voice just become Professor? I guess this, what have you done? Professor, please make my voice normal again. And then he's there just like mouthing.

I don't want this. So I think he would be a terrifying villain that you can't win against. You just can't. And nobody, if you figure it out, nobody else thinks he's bad. Because again, if you're this young psychic who can

see through all this bullshit, you'd be going to your mates, he's terrible, he's terrible. You'd be like, remember all these people? They're like, we don't remember them at all. Don't remember them at all. No idea. No idea what you're talking about. What?

It's like, hey, who knows what that is? Who knows who that person was? I'm sure if we yell out more, we won't. Don't yell more. We've completely forgot. And also, you know one of our problems with Professor Axe is that he takes troubled teens and makes them fight. Yes.

But he's actually powerful enough that he can make you forget you fought. Yeah. Imagine just waking up one day and you're like, I am so bruised. Why am I in such pain? I've got all these bandages on. Good fight yesterday, Jackson. I don't like that he's, like, get rid of the fight. Then tell him he fought.

Just fuck with his head up. That's really scary. He's like, hey, good training at the gym, Jackson. I'm really hurting a lot, Professor X. Well, trained hard. You did good on that bench press, didn't you? It seems as though my stomach was like concaved by somebody with hammers.

No, no, no. You didn't get punched by a Hulk. Why would you say that? That's crazy talk. I mean, I guess. That was all them crunches. Wheeled himself off. Wheeled away real quick. Scott, didn't I have a brother?

No, no, no. What's a cable? This is a school. Something about Professor X telling you the thing he's hiding from you and then winking at you that's really funny. You didn't fight. I'll never tell. Because you'd just be sitting in class being like, I think I did.

I think I did. I think I fought yesterday. That's what I did. Well, actually, you probably wouldn't do that because Because you'd just be sitting in class being like, I think I did. I think I did. I think I fought yesterday. That's what I did. Well, actually, you probably wouldn't do that because then you could just like turn on the TV and you're like, hey, there I am. That's me trying to kill that guy. You didn't punch by the hook. What the fuck, Professor? I guess you're right.

We just want a couple of these. What if... So, you know Breaking Bad? Uh-huh. You know when they kill Gus? Yes. With an exploding wheelchair? Yes.

If I rigged Professor X's wheelchair to explode... He'd know you did it. Got him. But the crazy thing there though once he dies do you get your memories back? Uh oh, I don't want to kill him. Keep him alive at all costs.

How many times has Professor X died and then just become onslaught or something? That's true, he'll die and then come back with legs. And then he can chase you upstairs. Man, I wish instead of having no legs, he had like bomb arms. That's so much less intimidating.

Or Jackson. That's, not if he has mind powers, it's not. That's scary as fuck. He'd be walking after you, his arms just hanging by the side, flopping off. I'll make you forget your parents.

You're right, because now he has no arms, psychic powers, and he's fast. I mean, he's probably faster downhill now. So, yeah, I think he's a very terrifying mutant, and maybe we should just get rid of him. But, like

you said, we can't. No. Yeah. Yeah. So, Xavier, a scary hero. Terrifying monster. Yeah, he's spooky. Scarier than a dog. I think so.

The top three scariest monsters for the night. Third place, Crypto. Crypto the super dog. Second place, Batman. First place, Professor X. Who's in charge of a Second place, Batman. First place, Professor X, who's in charge of a school. Of children. Just innocent kids. That's not good. Someone should put a stop to that.

Somebody should take him out. They should. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. And this has been a very live plumbing the Death Star with added spooks. Very live. Increasingly live. It just got liver as we kept going. It's so live right now.

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