Plumbing the Death Star - Which Disney Happy Ending Isn't

Episode Date: September 9, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Which Disney Happy Ending Isn’t?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANS PANTS RADIO, BAGS OF GOLD Check out, that's Room, Broom without the B, the number 2, and Big, like our ego, to get 25% off. After that, we're in Bristol, and we've opened up a couple of tickets there, same with our Cardiff show. Once again, head to sandspansradio.com slash live for all the details on where to grab your tickets. Also, the London Podcast Festival is this week and has limited seating available. So why not make a week of it and come see us at every show and you'll win the best prize of all friendship that's sandspansradio.com slash live hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like which disney happy ending isn't? So I reckon Tarzan.

Fair enough. Yeah. At the end of Tarzan, Jane Porter is like, you know what? a comfortable life fuck england fuck england fuck england i will move and live with tarzan and his ape friends i jane fuck england i jane you fucking but i just in the movie we're like hell yeah jane is gonna live with tarzan and they're going to be happily ever after. But they just couldn't be. Because, so let's imagine Tarzan for a second. Done.

Done. He's April Boy. Imagine real Tarzan. Imagine real lice-infested, filthy-anest Tarzan. Because he should be a lot more hairier than he is. Oh, he should be covered in hair. And mud and dirt and filth. Yeah.

He is a disgusting man. Because he doesn't know how to manscape to the gorillas. You know, in the movie, we're like, oh, you know, his hair is kind of in dreads. Like, it's, you know, it's a bit sexy or whatever. No. He'd have, like, it'd be plaited and... It's matted. The reason it looks like that is because it is just this hideous tangled web of hair and lice. Yeah, if he's going to get cut, it's going to be with like a sharp rock.

Yeah, and imagine how calloused his hands and feet must be for sliding around on vines all goddamn day. Yeah. Plus, he can grip with his toes. That's a mutation, right? I think it's just like... Did the ape break his toes to do this? How did that happen? Yeah, his feet are pretty disgusting.

Because I think if I try to wrap my foot around a branch, it just doesn't happen. No. But sure, let's assume that Tarzan over the years has managed to just adapt. Unevolve. Yeah, he's gone back to to just adapt. Unevolve. He's gone back to being a gorilla. He took a step back. Yep. He just took a quick trip back to

gorilladom. But Jane can't. Jane didn't grow up living in the jungle. She's from high society. Her feet have never gripped a branch in their life. Her bare feet haven't actually touched outside. Yeah.

I'm happy to make that claim. They've never been in boots. Yeah. That's what's happened there. So imagine the moment Tarzan is like, let's go for a fucking swing through the jungle. Because, hey, guess what, Jane? There's no books to read. There's no fucking anything to entertain. What entertainment is watching a gorilla smack a forest pig?

I don't know what Jane will do for entertainment in the jungle because it just won't be what Tarzan will do. Tarzan's like, anyway, I'm going to swing on this vine and go take a shit in the lake. What is Tarzan's day-to-day life? Well, he wakes up. Swinging and shitting. We just went through it.

He swings, he shits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's 12 hours in a day. You can't swing and shit for all of them. Just imagine what an ape does. He'd just be doing exactly that. What do apes do in a day-to-day life? I don't know much about apes.

Picking lice off your fellow ape friend. Yeah, you sit around, you masturbate, you eat some lice, roll around. Maybe you pick up some cardboard and smack the ground with it. Slappy belly. Pick up a barrel. Yeah. Throw it a bit. Put on a tie.

Roll around. Yep. Maybe you hassle another gorilla. Forage for berries and fruit. Defeat K.R. Rool. Yeah. I guess a good way to look at it is imagine one of you fell in love with a gorilla at the zoo. Okay.

And then you had to live in the gorilla enclosure. Uh-huh. That's Jane's life. Well, similarly enough to me and my future gorilla wife, I feel like my happily ever after ends the moment that I fall in love with a gorilla. And it's the same with Jane. Like, the moment that she's like, I enjoy this Tarzan man touching me, you're like, well, that's diseases for you.

Is... Yes? Can he speak English? Yeah. How? Me Tarzan, you Jane. Yeah, no, but how? She teaches him. No, but who taught him? What? No, no, no. Jane teaches him. Jane teaches him. All right. How does he know his name,

though? Yeah, that's complicated. No, because he was named by the apes. So, what ape can make the noise Tarzan? Hi, Janey. Tarzan. Tarzan. No, no, no. Yeah, because all the apes have names,

and the apes can talk to Tarzan, but Tarzan's talking ape when he talks to the apes. Jane can't talk ape. Oh, my God. But Jane... So if Tarzan can learn English, surely that Oh, my God. But Jane... So, if Tarzan can learn English, surely that he could then maybe teach Ape. That's a scary, scary world

where it turns out Ape are just talking a language the human brain can understand. You don't need to learn the language. I don't like this. I can speak English, Japanese, French, and Ape. But Jane was like an educated lady, right? So she could teach Tarzan. She had the capability.

She had the skills. Tarzan does not. Well, no, but you can do a simple, like, you know, this word is this in... But it's not words. Say tree is tree in... It's ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. It's tree in that.

It's different tones of ooh. Yeah, but it's still... It It's gonna take such a long time So is ape a tonal language? Yeah it seems like it So it's kind of like learning basically another tonal language We don't know shit about apes Stop asking questions You can't learn ape

Tarzan grew up with the apes And he clearly learned how to speak ape From birth It's easier to learn to speak ape from birth. Yeah, it's easier to learn a second language from birth. Yeah, but Jane is like in her mid-twenties. Jane got born. Yeah.

Jane's not getting born in the ape place. Yeah, but if she has the aptitude of learning a language, maybe it'll take her a long time, but she still could do it. She will learn basic ape. She will learn basic ape, yes. She will learn basic ape, but. She will learn basic ape, but I feel like when she gets back to England, they'll be like, oh, no, that wasn't ape.

That was you losing your mind. But also, I just don't think Tarzan's the kind of guy that will teach Jane ape. Too busy shitting and... Too busy shitting and swinging. Yeah, tugging on his dick. What are the apes doing? They roll around and pick their bellies.

Slap forest pigs. Fuck, what a good day. Why do you say Tar good day Swung from a vine Took a shit in a river Slapped a forest pig Just slapping the pig Looking at Jane like yeah This is what we do for fun You want in on this?

Smacking its belly You want to smack its forest pig belly? Jane you are going to love this Slap slap slap Oh why did I Smacking its belly. You want to smack its forest pig belly? God, Jane. Jane, you are going to love this. Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap. Oh, why did I stay? Jane. I, Tarzan, you, Jane, we shit.

River. Shit in like, why not shit in a hole, Tarzan? We shit in river. I'd like to imagine the rest of the apes not Just Tarzan Yeah we don't know why he does that He shits in the river And then we can't drink from the river It's very annoying

Son of a bitch So what do So what do the What do the apes do With Tarzan Like how do they interact What's their society I haven't actually seen

They just hang out They chat You know Tarzan? Like, how do they interact? What's their society? I haven't actually seen the Disney talent. They just hang out. They chat, you know? Yeah. Tarzan and his good friend, Ape, whose name I forget, they go and they... I'm going to call him Ape. His good friend, Ape.

Yeah. They go and jump off a cliff and hassle the elephants. That's a game they like to play. Okay, so... They like to play a game where they... I'm just trying to work out

what is Tarzan's just day-to-day activities or things that he enjoys Well, he's leader of the tribe now. Yeah. Because in the end, Kurchak, spoilers, Kurchak, the big king ape, he dies at a jaguar's hands, I think, maybe. Is there a fire? Something kills him.

Jungle book. Yeah, you're thinking jungle book. Oh, I am... No, I don't know. And Tarzan now has to look after the apes. So Tarzan's duties will be fucking ape ladies, protecting the apes from jaguars, fighting baby gorillas, because that's something the big apes do. They just beat the shit out of the kid gorillas. Yeah, because you don't want a big gorilla. One thing I do know about gorillas is that if you're an old alpha gorilla, they're a king of a tribe, and you're getting a bit too old.

A leopard kills Tarzan's parents, and the same leopard kills... Tarzan's Kurchak. No, the ape baby. So then they're just like, baby, missing baby, let's just swap. Same. Same. Same. Same.

So, yeah, one thing to do with gorillas, if you're a king ape or king gorilla and you're getting a bit old, so some, like, young gorillas kind of, like, fight you for, I guess, leadership of the tribe, you're like, I got this. You fuck off. You exile yourself. Okay. And then you go and hang out with, like, a new tribe and be like, I'm an old piece of shit. Just walk after me.

Don't worry, old, like, you know, king ape of this tribe. I'm not going to fuck your ladies. And so when he, like, when the leader of that ape tribe buggers off, old ape, mate, gets his fuck on. I see. Because he's a sneaky boy. So is Jane going to get railed by an older gorilla while Tarzan isn't there? Surely at some point. Because now Jane's part of that tribe yeah she is by for all intents and purposes a lady gorilla in this tribe

we're hairless but is jane like hey tarzan i always thought speaking of how hairless they are i always thought that it was weird in tarzan that Tarzan wore a loincloth So I was like why does that happen But then I realised that apes penises are inside them So surely when they saw Tarzan's penis Outside they were like That's disgusting He's a freak None of us want to see your mutant

External penis But maybe Tarzan And Jane knows that they're humans Tarzan knows he's not an ape. Maybe Jane's like, let's not quite integrate that much. Let's not slam those gorilla cheeks. Honestly, I think the way it would go

is that Jane would hate it and then she would go and live in the treehouse that Tarzan's parents lived in and break up with Tarzan. Tarzan would just have to fuck all the gorilla ladies because that's the duties of a king ape. It's quite fucked up that in Tarzan that tribe is dying

of gorillas. Because the male gorilla has to propagate the species. Tarzan cannot breed with gorillas. No. No matter how he was raised by gorillas, he still cannot impregnate a gorilla. But by gosh is he trying! He'll give it a go because

like he don't know any better and jane comes from like a you know she's an educated lady but from a time where people thought maybe we could impregnate gorillas so jane's gonna be like just keep at it i guess i don't know why it's not working it's weird i just think or would another Younger gorilla Rise up And like smack Tarzan Now he is king of that tribe Turk or whatever his name is He's a lady Played by Rosie O'Donnell

Touche Jackson Touche But like A male gorilla An adolescent or whatever Rips Tarzan's arms off. Oh, God. Then just starts to like, now I am king of this tribe.

Yeah. And now, like, Jane, you are now my wife. It's just very possible. What's Jane going to do? Jane can't run. Without Tarzan to protect her. I just sort of think the moment Tarzan is like, Jane, let's surf down this vine like I love doing,

Jane will just fall off and break her neck. Because, like, can you guys now try to figure out how to surf a vine? I can figure out how to fall down a vine. I could kind of wrap around it like a sloth and hump my way along. I'm coming, Tarzan!

Give me a sec! I reckon I could do it. That's some confidence. If Tarzan can do it, why can't I? He has special fate. That's true. What if Tarzan gets kicked out of the ape tribe? Not necessarily killed, but they're like, you're old, go.

Tarzan has to leave with Jane, and then they're living this sad life in the jungle. Also, think about the food Jane's having now. What do gorillas eat? Bananas. Bananas. You're both idiots. Ape food. Bugs.

They eat insects. They eat ants and the meat of other apes sometimes. Really? Yeah. I think that's gorillas. I know baboons do. Like baboon leader Jim. Oh, no, yeah.

No, gorillas aren't meat eaters. They just eat like leaves and bugs. Bananas. They don't eat bananas. They eaters. They just eat, like, leaves and bugs. Bananas. They don't eat bananas. They eat bananas. They eat heaps. Rabbits love carrots as well. Obviously.

Why else would the Easter Bunny want them left out for it? Yeah. You fuckhead. Does Santa eat cookies? Absolutely. Think for once in your life, Jack. Before you open your fucking mouth. My God.

Do bunnies eat fucking carrots? Of course they do. Do Elmer Fudd's fucking hunt rabbits? Yes. Do mice eat cheese? Do they love cheese? No, they don't. Yeah, the lactose intolerant. It makes them very sick.

It does. Yeah. Yeah, that's one. Anyway. Jane is going to get very sick, is my point. So basically her happy ending is... Dysentery? Dysentery and death.

Yeah, she shits herself to death. She dies in one of... Or marrying an ape king. She either marries the ape king, which, hey, royalty, that's all right. Well, I guess so was Tarzan in a way. But he's ape royalty, so it doesn't really count. But surely she'll adapt. If she's eating, like, bugs and fruit and that kind of stuff,

surely you'll get enough sort of protein and all that from it. You'll be ill for a bit, but the body, the human body, she'll adapt. I guess Tarzan has. Yeah. So, like, I'm assuming that, look, it's basically a bug and fruit diet. Not great, but, hey, it's something. I'm now more concerned about childbirth. Oh, yeah.

No, Jane may die in childbirth. It is like 1869 or some shit. And the moment they fuck, there ain't no condoms. Ain't no robbers in the jungle. You know the old saying? Ain't no Johnnies in the jungle. Yeah, like the Gonzales of Summer. Welcome to the jungle.

We got fun and games, but no Johnnies. Yeah, exactly. I mean, you could get, like, say, a' Roses song. Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games but no Johnnies. Yeah, exactly. I mean, you could get like, say, a banana peel. No. You could. Put it over. Also, that is

pull out. Like, what the fuck? Pull out. What the fuck? You're a 31-year-old man. Are you... Think, Sam. Just think

before you open your mouth. Think before you open your mouth. You know putting like a little fucking hat on your dick doesn't stop you from coming, yeah? Because that's basically what you've done with a You know putting like a little fucking hat on your dick doesn't stop you from cumming, yeah? Because that's basically what you've done with a banana.

Put a little hat. Put a little South Park South Cartman hat on the top of your penis. To Jane teaching Tarzan the pull out or the rhythm method. Because honestly Tarzan when he's fucking the other

apes, like I doubt he's pulling out. I don't like that. So we all fought it a bit, but you're just like, no, yeah, he fucks apes. Why would he not? We didn't fight this. I accepted this straight away because I'm like, he's raised by him. I'm sure he thinks he's a hell of an ape. He thinks he's an ape until Jane turns up and he's clearly an adult man.

So at some point, the other apes, the only reason he might not have fucked an ape is because the apes are like, freak. He's probably very lonely. He would love to fuck the apes. I don't want to fuck him. Also, why is he attracted to Jane anyway? Because surely in his adolescence.

Primal ape. Yeah, but in his adolescence and when he's discovering his sexuality, he's surrounded by sexy ape ladies. He'll probably find apes more sexy on the whole. But Jane... What are you... No, that's just not how... Because he grew up with apes. Because he had no other human contact.

He didn't know that Jane was an option. So during his sexual maturation, all he was seeing was apes. Yeah. Ape titties. He was seeing some ape titties. Yeah. He sees ape titties, he loves ape titties. He was seeing some ape titties. Yeah. He sees ape titties.

He loves ape titties. He sees some ape titties. Yeah, no. And he sees Jane and he's like, oh. Yeah, so it's the exact opposite of what you said. He would have been like, oh, I'm meant to be attracted to this. He would effectively have an ape fetish. Yeah.

Is what I'm driving at. I agree. I'm the opposite. I think that he would be like, I guess this is what I have to do, and this feels wrong. And then when he sees Jane, he's like, oh! No, I reckon that's like, I guess what I have to do, and it feels wrong, is when he's thinking about Jane. Yeah, he's like, this feels not correct.

I just think your first sexual experiences are with apes. You're going to find apes sexy for the rest of your life. And then you see Jane, and all your natural hormones kick in, and Jane gives off the right scent and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're like, okay, I get it. And then he's going to like,

hey, Jane, can you just like maybe stop shaving? I think you'll just fuck apes on the side, honestly. That just seems... Don't shave your legs. It's 18 fucking 60. She probably isn't anywhere. What, is she shaving her leg

with a fucking shell? Yeah, good. That's how Tarzan like it. Yeah. Jane gets hairy. Can you... Hey, Jane, you know when we're having like the making shell. Yeah, good. That's how Tarzan like it. Yeah. Jane gets hairy. Can you hear? Can you hear, Jane? You know when we're having

like making the sweet fuck, can you just make something like oop-oop sounds? Just ape noises? It's just for no reason. I think you'd have to cop that. I'm still very much fighting this. I'm pretty sure Tarzan

would be making ape noises when he's making them. Oh, yeah. Tarzan makes ape noises full stop. Exactly. So he'd be screeching. I don't want to fuck Tarzan.

Oh, imagine the moment he climaxes. Him with his kung fu grip on don't want to fuck Tarzan. Oh, imagine the moment he climaxes. Him with his kung fu grip on me with his gross calloused feet. Oh, yeah. He'd be like gripping your thighs with his feet. No. Spreading your fucking noose, getting right up there. Jodoosh looks like he's in heaven.

Like, in a bad way. Like he's ascended to. So Jane's life doesn't sound super pleasant. What position were you thinking of when Tarzan's gripping your arse? I'm lying front. He wasn't gripping my arse in my mind. No, he was gripping his thigh, spreading his nose.

With his feet. He's gripping his jacksons thighs with his feet, and he's got his hands spreading his cheeks, getting all up there. Is he eating my arse in this situation? Where's his dick? How are you spreading... Try and do that.

Draw a diagram. The back of your legs. I imagine Tarzan's taking him from behind. Yes. He's gripping on, kind of like a gargoyle. Ah, so you imagine him squatting. Yeah. There's me. There's my butt. Thereting. Yeah. There's me. There's my butt.

There's my belly. There's my head. People are going to ask for a picture, and I don't want it. Yeah, they'll enjoy. So Tarzan's got his foot here, gripping my thigh. Yeah. He's got his hand here. He's gripping his legs.

No, no, no. Joel Zammett likes to imagine Tarzan with a 40 meter cock by the sounds of things. I just don't see. He's just very flexible. So there and then. No, because even like if you're. Look and then head.

It just doesn't make sense. Your math is off. Because like imagine a wicket keeper in cricket. Because that's the position he's going to have to be in. Yeah. But then also trying to fuck the ground. It just doesn work you can't bend like that i'm sorry sam but i wish i could be on your side but you just can't unless his cock is massive which we all assume it would be well hey it can't be that big the loincloth isn't huge yeah that's a good point

all right so okay so oh yeah oh yeah yeah i got this now so like's like You're on your all fours And so he's grabbing you by the thighs With his gross toes and feet And he's like got one hand Spreading your ass And he's maybe just jacking a little bit Okay that's fine You've changed the situation

You've made it still very graphic and wildly unpleasant And I reckon you could be good I could give him a hand Nah cause if he's like You could fucking Yeah Nah I don't know why we don't just fuck normally anymore Tarzan

Why you always gotta Rip my thighs with your calloused feet You don't understand that this doesn't work But I can't explain that to him Try He doesn't have the words for this Yeah Plus yeah Jane's education of Tarzan just has to stop Because like She doesn't have a book He doesn't have the words for this. Plus, Jane's education of Tarzan

just has to stop because she doesn't have a book, she doesn't have anything. She can't teach him anything else. I think Jane dies of a tropical disease which she didn't adapt to as Tarzan did. She falls off a branch and breaks her neck. Dies in childbirth.

She gets stung by some kind of gross wasp killed by an ape or killed by an ape or bitten by a snake yeah she gets bitten by a snake she's like Tarzan I've been bitten by a snake and Tarzan's like that's sad you're gonna die he'll like suck out the poison but then he'll get sick yeah or he's just like we just don't have any ape method generally if an ape gets stung by a snake we're just very sad about it. And then you die. Sorry, Jane. Yeah, that sucks. Jane's life is shit.

Yeah, Tarzan. And then Tarzan is like, I found someone who was like me that I had this feeling for that I don't really know how to express. And now she dead. Well, back to apes. Back to apes, I guess. Or Tarzan is just forever lonely.

The next time a ship comes, because I guess one will eventually, an old Tarzan is like, take me to the real women. And he goes back to England and is kept in a cage. As the ape wonder of the world? Maybe.

It's not quite as impressive as King Kong, but still good. But still, hey, look, it's our man who's Hinky Ape. Also, Jane's dad's there, but chances are he's going to die. Like, we don't even need to talk about him. He's just an old man. Beauty and the Beast.

Beauty and the Beast? Beauty and the Beast. I think that's a terrible ending. So, what? People were furniture and no longer furniture. That's good for them, right? But think about that village. Yeah.

Because they, for a whole, like, what? How many years? Like, ten years? Yeah, say ten. Probably more. Ten years, right? Of, like, not really caring about a king yeah and being like yeah we don't have to pay taxes to some sort of like king that's not there the moment

this king adam prince adam yeah prince is back they're like oh i i guess we're a monarch again oh i guess we gotta pay tribute to the king and taxes and we were doing quite well as a democracy and now we're back to this. Hey, historically have child kings been good? No. Because that's effectively what King Adam is. Because he became a beast as a young boy. Yep. He was like 10,

say. And he was like 18. Bare minimum. 18? 18, yeah. He was a beast for 10 years. Okay, and he's 21. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, is he 21 or 18 in Beauty and the Beast? No, he's got a turn before his 21st birth. Yeah. We've got to find true love.

But he's like, oh, no, I'm a beast. Yeah. Yes. So, is he 18 when he turns? No, no, no, no, no. He's been a beast for like eight years. Yeah, so he's like, he's quite young. Very young when he turns.

Okay, he's 10 turning 11 when he's turned into a beast. Okay. And Beauty and the Beast is set when he's 21. He's set when he's 21 because they're like, the last rose is falling. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. So he has the mental capacity of basically a 10-year-old is what I'm getting at. Well, not necessarily.

He didn't really grow up in a normal house. Yeah, but just because he didn't grow up in a normal house, I mean, because he's still, it's not like the beast isn't sentient. It's like being- Physiologically, he's gone from a 10-year-old boy, missed puberty, and now he's a beast. Yeah.

And now when he's no longer a beast, he's just a man. What if he went through puberty as a beast? Well, he went through based puberty, which has got to be different. What if it's the same? So what, he's like, oh, no, I've got pimples now. That's a coincidence. I have hair where I did not have any hair. Oh, yeah, maybe it is a symbolism of puberty.

Well, actually, turning into the Beast is basically puberty anyway. Yeah, but it's sudden puberty. Yeah. What I'm thinking is that normally, as a prince, you will be educated on how to be a king. Yeah. Prince Adam was never educated on how to be a king because he's like, I'm thinking is that normally, as a prince, you will be educated on how to be a king. Yeah. Prince Adam was never educated on how to be a king because he's like, I'm a beast.

Presumably his parents abandoned him in fear, right? I don't know what's Lumiere doing. I don't think they're teaching him how to be a good prince. Lumiere's teaching him how to fuck. Yeah, Lumiere teaches him how to fuck. Cogsworth just panics. Maybe there's some... But there's nobody that would know how to be a king. Lumiere teaches him how to fuck. Cogsworth just panics. Maybe there's some... But there's nobody that would know how to be a king.

There's nobody there to be like, hey, King Adam... I was the royal vizier, so this is how you do to rule. Yeah, exactly. And then, everyone's not concerned. If you say you're the royal vizier... Vizier? Vizier. You're not going to be concerned about how Prince Adam will be as a king. You're going to be concerned

about getting him that true love and stop being a fucking cupboard or whatever. 100%. You don't want to be a fucking cupboard anymore. So when he does become king, he's like, oh, I don't know. I don't know what we're meant to do. And then him and Belle live poor and sad. Yeah.

So it's bad from a societal point because, again, you've got this weird countryside or whoever knows how many different serfdoms are now being ruled, in quotation marks, by an absent king or a king who's sort of inept. And then it's going to either cause some sort of revolt there. Oh, yeah. Who knows what's going to happen, depending what he does do we think yeah after the multiple deaths of the villagers and the townsfolk when the beast turns into king adam into a effeminate boy man is he gonna be like is all of the furious villagers gonna be like ah cool or are they just gonna crossbow him in the head either cross on the head or would i know that that was this like would i know or like if i was king adam i'd just be like, yeah, I killed the beast.

Did Prince Adam kill the beast? I was held prisoner and then I killed the beast. Yeah, that's smart. That's a clever way to go about it. But I'm trying to think who saw. Also, a lot of people died. Everybody is going to remember the alive furniture. And everybody's going to see that alive furniture change into people.

People who have killed. Is there any witnesses to the end of it yeah there's like a whole fucking crowd of people there remember and then everyone changes back and miss teapot whatever her name is meets up with her husband again who hasn't seen her for 11 years did you fucking watch the goddamn movie i know i've seen it chips like i'm a man now well he's a boy but he's like i'm a boy now. Well, he's a boy, but he's like, I'm a boy now and I've lost a tooth. Did I lose a tooth before I became a cop?

What am I? Why am I a cop? Did I begin life as a cop? Help. Hey, what if you were pregnant and the change happened? I guess you'd be like a wardrobe full of clothes. To give birth? Yeah. I guess you'd be like a wardrobe full of clothes. That's... To give birth?

Yeah. Or the sadder option of you're not anymore. That's terrible if that's just a weird side effect of the magic. I imagine you just... You're a chair, but also a miscarriage. I'm so sorry. I think you just come back as pregnant still. Pregnant with a 10-year-old in you.

Oh, no. God damn it. I have gotten the worst out of this curse. There's just like a phase for us through the stomach. This has worked out the least for me. The beast is fine. My life is agony. I would have happily let that old witch in.

This sucks. Fuck you. Just like the outline of a 10-year-old child. Pressed off against the belly of a lady. Because like, have you seen a pregnant belly when it's like eight or nine months and you can see baby, basically? Like when baby kicks and whatever. But a 10-year-old. Just, help me, mother.

I'm ready to be free. I think, is the kid drowning? I don't know. I just like to imagine the beast of Prince Adam or whatever being like, Belle, yeah, now look this way. Good. We don't need to see that. Also, we've got to imagine that a lot of those people that became furniture

are now fucking livid with... I would be. I don't care now that I'm a person again. I'd be like, you stole fucking who knows how many years of my life. The beast. Why are they mad at the beast? Are they mad at the witch? No.

I'd be hungrier than that witch. I'd be furious at the kid. You wouldn't fucking let a witch in. Hell yeah. No, You wouldn't fucking let a witch in? Hell yeah. No, you wouldn't. You'd be like, the door would, you'd ever knock at the door

and you're having a feast, you wouldn't even fucking answer the door. You'd be like, oh. Someone lock that door. I'm glad I'm in. No, I'd be mad at the butler. Why? He didn't open the door.

Oh, yeah, that's true. I had to open it as the prince. Fuck that. No. I'm 10. Go away. Oh, yeah, that's true. I had to open it as the prince. Fuck that. No. I'm 10. Go away. Also, I can't imagine anybody that served. So the castle now, because say we got changed.

Yeah. You know, into a fucking broom, a mop and a- Bucket of piss. Bucket of piss. What was I in life? The royal piss catcher. And then we get changed back into people. Are we like, sick, yeah, I'm happy to go back to my job

Or are you like nope I'm going I'm going because like you just stole 10 years Of my life and I was a god damn mob That's an empty castle So fuck you prince Adam You shit That's an empty castle with Belle the prince And no one else

And then they gotta deal with the fucking angry towns people So you got from this, from a societal point. You've got this weird thing now we've gone from having almost a democracy or no king to now having a king and anything that entails. And who knows what's going to happen then. But also from a more personal side effect of Belle. Belle did not fall in love with this elf looking piece of shit. She fell in love with the beast. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

elf-looking piece of shit. She fell in love with the beast. Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's the greatest tragedy of our era, is that Belle's sexy bear of a man is now a little twink. Exactly. Because imagine that. You're like, what's your type?

I'm like, well, fuck, I didn't realize my type is bears. I am a fucking lover of bears. I need a big, hairy man. He seems hairless, you, Prince. Yeah. He's such a twink and you're like, why? Do you reckon Belle would do a thing where she's like, finds the

enchantress or whatever and is like, hey, do it again. I reckon. Like, knock on the door and like, the knocks on the door and she's like, hey, Beast, do you want to let this old woman? Nah, don't let her. Nah. She doesn't. How about you make him a fucking beast again? I haven't.

He's fucking the least sexy man in the world now. I reckon she'd be, you know, either trying to either maybe get him to wrong a witch again. Yeah. Which is always a problem. Oh, it's hard. Or would she herself leave and go to find another castle with another beast boy in there to be like, yes. Oh, it's hard. Or would she herself leave and go find another castle with another Beast boy in there to be like, yes! Well, yeah, like, Belle,

does she really love the Beast? Or is it just this kind of thing where she's like, well, I'm trapped here. You know what I mean? I might as well. Although, no, she does. We know categorically

that the Beast is her, well, that she is, at the very least, the Beast's true love. Otherwise, she wouldn't change back. But that doesn't mean that he's necessarily her true love she is at the very least the beast's true love otherwise he wouldn't change back but that doesn't mean that he's necessarily her true love. Well exactly I understand this concept of looks sometimes it's not just about looks it's about them connecting on an emotional

level and like fair enough I accept that But what emotional level is there with a fucking beast? Exactly a beast who has had no education for ten years But well no I'll argue that in the sense that he's read some books no he's read books but also he because isn't that part of the reason she's attracted to him because he's like learned no well he has a big library but he doesn't read it but also he reads to him

lumiere and stuff like that would have like they they all seem educated well they do which means but like they would have they're friends with the beast. They're like, yeah, he's a bit of a fuckhead, but they seem to still like him. I forgot how to use cutlery. He's using his hands. He uses his face. Would you use cutlery if your cutlery was friends? No, they're just some irregular force.

Yeah, some irregular force. And yes, if you were a knife and a fork, I'd use you all the time. I'd stab you. If I was a knife and a fork, I'd use you all the time. I'd stab you. If I was a knife or the fork. That's great to imagine me as the base of my back's just full of cutlery. Not dead yet. Yeah, now you're stuck, dickheads.

I like just some constant muffled screaming. Yeah. Well, I can't reach back there, so. Yes, you can. You should have thought about this before you stabbed me try to put on a shirt though jackson yeah i guess you got me there sleep on your tum i hate sleeping on my stomach you've killed me. You've killed my enjoyment of sleep, you bastards. I guess you were victorious. That's great then, because when I change back, you all change back into people and kill me.

You expand in size in my back. Your head's in the back of the beast. Why has this been so body horror focused? It's horrible. I just think realistically, Jane is like, well, I'm not... Belle. Why has this been so body horror focused? It's horrible. Horrible. I just think realistically, Jane is like, well, I'm not. Belle. Belle, sorry.

Jane, that was my one. Belle is like, look, I love you, but this just isn't like a good life. We live in this sad, empty castle. I think realistically, if you imagine you're like a neighboring king. Yeah. Basically, imagine you're like a neighbouring king, and you're like, oh, that empty serfdom is now run by an incompetent boy king. Not a beast anymore. Let's take his castle.

What's going to happen, it's going to be either nothing really changes for the town, because they're going to be like, well, good luck trying to reinstate a kingship, dickhead. Or, you're right, another neighbouring king is going to be like, what's that? That big scary beast is no longer that empty castle with a bunch of... I'll take it.

Free... Oh. Yeah, like, whatever. Let's wage war on these dickheads. No army. Nothing. No army to speak of. No alive furniture anymore.

No big beast. Fuck it. Yeah. Yeah, but if you're an army, if you're an army and you're aware of that anyway, like, taking down one beast, easy. If you're an army... Nah, because, again, there's a lot of fear there you don't know why didn't i why do i know when attack well it's the same reason that i think that it's kind of implied that they're not going

to attack with king adam yeah but like why would you not what would stop you when he was a beast fear yeah it would have to be fear you don't know what it is you hear about his giant again i can understand why an army like we don't want to risk that. What if it infects us? I'd fucking go. Oh, a beast. I've got fucking armor. One lad, good luck, goodbye. Guess what happened? Gaston fell down like a dickhead. York is stopped. Yeah. You ate twelve dozen

eggs. Six dozen eggs. A certain amount of eggs. Too many eggs. Too many eggs. The perfect amount of eggs. Sixty. Sixty in a day. Maybe nobody attacks the beast's castle because they're like, whatever, we get a little shitty provincial town. But also, like, the beast, I'm wearing, like, I'm dressed in a suit of armor. What's a beast going to do?

Well, they get, you don't know. They eat you. You don't. Bites through metal. Yeah. You don't know. You don't know the stories that this beast, like, the whatever's coming around this beast. You could be like, we're actually quite afraid.

I'm poisoned. He might be able to take down 10,000. There might be a rumor there being like this beast could take down 10,000 men. You're like, well, I don't want to fucking risk that. Let's see me eat this poisoned steak.

Yeah. Oi, beast. Jump. And you fling it over the back fence. And you see a... Got him. Yes. My castle now, motherfuckers.

If the beast dies, do all of the furniture stay as furniture Or do they also die? It's never really said But I assume they just stay furniture It's fucked up if they die and stay furniture Because the beast has like a heart, lung, Circular system, all that kind of stuff Surely he's gonna die

Whereas, where's the heart and the candle? But there's a room in the base castle that you see, like, maybe twice, full of destroyed furniture. Yeah. So, I mean, either they're alive, but it doesn't look like it, or you smash a cupboard

that's a dead cupboard. Because, say, with Lumiere, right? Ew, that room is just guts when he comes back. Yep, the flesh room. The guts room. Because, like, Lumiere's got a candle. What's that smell?

Don't worry. Is the candle part of him? Yeah. Or is it just the metal grass? Well, the wax isn't melting. So I'm assuming it's... He just is the candle now. I think the beast gets... Because if I was to grab him and just like lop off some of that candle,

am I like cutting off the top of his head? I think you'd kill him. That would be my theory. Or do I have to like break him in the middle? How do I kill Lumiere? I don't know, because Cogsworth explodes a couple times and Cogs come out, but he's fine. Yeah, it doesn't kill him. So I'm actually not sure. What if I yanked off his

hands on the space? I reckon it's the moment you make it not effective as a piece of furniture. So if you bent the handles on the clock, the hands on the clock, he's dead. You reckon? Yeah, that's my theory. But it doesn't matter, because they're people now.

Just stab them or whatever. That's how we kill them. That's how we kill all the former employees. Also, every former employee is now going back to the little provincial town, which lost quite a few members in the terrifying fight. Also, everybody in the town is like, oh, you were the furniture? Yeah, you killed other members of the town. Exiled.

They have to leave. Why did the furniture kill people? Because they were working for the base. But they just did. The lady cupboard that dressed up Belle drops on top of a guy and squishes him. She jumps off a banister. She may die in the process.

She kamikazes a fucking townsperson. Fuck, she's savage. She's fucking ruthless. Imagine you've seen that happen. Make her the mayor. Fucking hell. That's a cupboard that doesn't fuck around. I think there's a scene where someone, like,

a cupboard opens up and, like, fires knives out at people. Imagine you see that cupboard turn into a person, and that person's like, yeah, anyway, I'm just moving back into the village. You'd be like, no. You stabbed Greg. They would be hanged by the neck till death. Every member of the castle.

And then Prince Adam. There might just be one of those like blanket kind of like, I guess. Blanket hangings. You all have to put in one noose. Either like, hey, look, whilst you wear furniture, you cannot be. Because they were attacking. It was almost like self-defense yeah but i mean like they invaded

the castle yeah but in a medieval town where the people in the medieval town did the invading they're not going to be like yeah look you were defending yourselves against us fair enough no but king adam is the ruler of that thing king adam is one man they have not been ruled for 10 years yeah no but it's the same it's the same thing it'd be like if if you try to rebel against the government and then the government pushed back and you didn't weren't successful the government would then just be like ah are you about what's more likely to happen is all the towns people get hung imagine imagine what if how many hang the town how many royalists are in that town as well probably fucking none because when he's like hey there's a castle up there, everyone's like, what?

Everyone's forgotten. I reckon it's more likely. How long do you have to live in a town before you forget there's a castle in it? Apparently 10 years. That's dumb. It's all it took for the people. Oh, shit. There's a castle.

It's never said. But imagine this. Imagine the government collapses. World ends, but we're fine. There's no government. We just don't it's never said but imagine this imagine the government collapses world ends but we're fine yeah there's no government we just don't need to pay taxes anymore we don't need to worry about any of that crime is legal life rules and then the government comes back but it's one guy are we gonna be like yeah this one guy's in charge of us fair Are we gonna be like Adam's getting stabbed We're just gonna be like no He's like bring me Your taxes

A stipend from your Earnings at the farm And they'll be like nope Just one man sorry You're not a beast anymore He is hung at the gallows And then so is Belle frankly Because nobody in the town liked her anyway. Yeah, fraternizing with the enemy.

Plus she sang a mean song about them every morning. Mean. Fuck this town. I love books. Fuck this town. You're all cunts. Yep. And then she's hung by the neck until dead.

I like to imagine it's just a regular song, but with little insults underneath. Like, there goes the baker with his tray like always fuck that the baker like giving her a smile and just goes to a friend hi hi what the fuck pal you're fucking like 14 and rude you ate my bread where do you get your bread from? Never forget! Fucking hell. Fuck your rude. There must be more than this provincial life that sucks and I fucking hate the people in the town.

Fuck your bell. They're like, hey, we're hanging all the people in the castle and the prince. Someone's like, try to just hang bells. We could probably just throw them down and just train them. Chuck her on the fucking list, yeah? Yeah. It's like, hey, you were a couch or some shit, yeah?

Yeah. All the people from the castle, they have a lot of connections to the provincial town, yes? Some do, yeah. So I reckon they'll be safe. Yeah, probably. So like Miss Potts or whatever. Miss Potts and the kid, they'll be fine.

They'll be all right. But who's like Lumiere and the feather duster? No one. Hung. Hung. Hung by the neck neck hang by the neck till dead there is a mass killing in the tiny provincial town things carry on as normal a statue presumably is erected to gaston yeah the hero that was the hero that was gaston it's also funny to imagine that in this situation like this town may go in history for, like, highest percentage of one town

to be hung. Maybe dismantle the castle as well, or fuck it off. Or just hang the castle. Hung hang the castle. Hell yeah. The first castle, first and last castle to be hung. Can I get the witch back and be like, oi, witch, turn this castle into a bloke

so he can hang it. I think the scare back and be like, Oi, witch, turn this castle into a bloke so he can hang it. I think that's a fact. Please, no, I was innocent in this. I was just a castle. I was just brick and mortar. What happens if you bring the castle back? What is it like now? It's dead.

It's a dead castle. It's a fucking dead castle. I think the scariest part of that, as everyone's being hanged, I'd turn to you guys and be like, so witches are real? It's fucking scary, right? Don't worry about that. Just focus on the hangings. Yay! Just let anybody who wants food.

Rule one. Whoever in, in. Because maybe witches. That's pretty hard Also another problem That's not really happily ever after for this whole story This whole world is like yeah

Any rude person demanding entry into A home You gotta let them in Yeah absolutely otherwise everyone gets turned into furniture No matter what age or what circumstances Don't you like you have to let someone in Yeah And that might be exploited everyone gets turned into furniture. No matter what age or what circumstances, you have to let someone in. Yeah.

Because otherwise... And that might be exploited. People could utilize that to steal your house. Yeah. Hey, I am an enchantress, and I will turn everyone into furniture if you don't let me inside. If you don't let me inside. Do you really want to risk it?

Remember the hanging last year? The big hang. Remember that big big hang we hung our castle so uh i will haunt some uh pork pies in my belly you're like well i guess i do remember that you hung a castle that was pretty crazy that was uh me indeed you can't disprove it wasn't all right so pork pies in me so ape fucking and disease yeah and the biggest public hanging of known record in history yes there's one happy ending in the disney filmography that's just a lie and it reminds you why this happy ending isn't actually a happy ending within its own film that's and that is toy story 3 okay so that whole film is like hey you're nostalgic about the past but the past is gonna die these

toys will be abandoned. Oh, wait, new home. The same thing's going to just happen again in like 15 years. That's true. Or also, if you're a parent and a college kid, friend of the family is like, here, have my old toys to your kid. You're like, oh, yeah, sweet. In a couple of years, you're going to be like, my kids aren't really attached to these.

Just chuck them in the bin. Yeah, throw them out. Like fucking, I almost said Andy.y see that's what it means so toys toys that aren't yours are forgettable woody woody is what i meant to say but like woody he's ended up in the bin he's dying soon also like what if you know say it does keep happening so andy gives it to forget the girl's name but she gives it to someone else, someone else, someone else. Hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds of years go by. What kind of a Woody is left? What kind of a

twisted and sad, been through so many kids Woody is that? Like, what happens if, for example, like, Andy maybe dies? Andy at some point has to die. Andy must die. A tragic one, like, was more recent. So, the little girl is, like, at the funeral the funeral and he's like, oh no, there's my past owner slash friend dead.

But it all grows up. It's sad that Andy in canon dies on the way to college. In a tragic car accident. Do you know there's a deleted scene in Toy Story 2 where there's a car accident? Like when Jessie's previous owner puts her in the box. It's a really sad scene. They animated a scene where the car just like drives off really erratically and crashes into a tray. Oh wait, and then runs over Jessie's box.

It's the funniest. This is like, I talk a lot of shit in this podcast. That is real. That's incredible. But what happens, like say again you're in a tragic okay so you say you got a stuffed teddy bear you're in the backseat of your parents car you hold you're gonna kill me as a child yeah and then like there's a car accident you know the parents die you die and that like you know that stuffed bear cuddles is like oh yeah i'm surrounded

by gore and trauma i am covered in my owner's blood. This is no good. This is bad for me. Also, because only kids, or not even only, no one knows that the toys are... Sentient. Sentient. Imagine, like... Sid knows. Sid knows.

Sid knows all too well. But, you know, as a child, occasionally I would, like, my parents would be like, we're doing Garo sale or whatever. You got any toys you want to give up? Yeah. I wouldn't do it in collections. I wouldn't be like, oh, all of Andy's toys I'd keep. I would probably be like, well, I never played with this fucking piggy bank because no child plays with a piggy bank.

Yeah. Also, you know that classic scene with a piggy bank that everyone knows in their head when you fill that piggy bank up with coins? Yeah. What do you do? You get a hammer. You get a half when you break that piggy's back there's a very good chance that piggy ham whatever his name ham ham pig hammy pork pork um has been killed or is living some kind of hellish life as shattered pieces of porcelain in a bin somewhere. Spread across... What happened? Toys can take

a lot of thing as well. A lot of thing. A lot of damage as well. Because you see that with Sid's toys. Yeah. Like his Frankenstein. Yeah. And same with Potato Head. Yep. He can just like shove his eyes and legs on like a piece of pita bread and he's fine. If I smash Pigam Jones.

Yeah. Right. And then I ship one section of his porcelain to fucking Tokyo and another to, I don't know, Buenos Aires. Is he aware of where they are? Yeah. Because, again, Mr. Potato Head can close his eyes and find out where his lost eye is. That's fucked.

So he has a sense of where things are, and plus he can... Oh, that is fucked, because he can see and there's no physical connection there. He can't see it. He can just feel it. No, but he can see.

No, he sees. He sees at his eye. Oh, Mr. Potato Head does. Yeah, but you can feel your sense of skin. Porcelain in the distance Skin Porcelain porks Can just feel

Cause it's just skin Yeah Yeah sensory Yeah but only But That's just fucking heinous Also like yeah That little girl one day

Is gonna What I mean is She's one day gonna be like Oh yeah I'll give Woody away I don't play with Woody at all Woody's gonna go Fucking separated For miles

End up in a fucking Op shop That's what happens Any anyway in Toy Story 3 with, like, Bo Peep. They all stay together. No, no, no, Bo Peep goes. Like, a lot of those original toys in Toy Story 1 and 2 are gone because that's exactly what's happened. It's kind of just the most tragic

thing in the world. You're prologuing the inevitable. And that inevitable is a kind of permanent undeath. Yeah. Like, Woody, eventually someone will stop looking after that teddy bear. Yeah. Whatever he is. Toy?

Doll? Yeah, he's a doll. He's a doll. We'll stop looking after him. Action figure, Jackson. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. And then, like, he just...

Like a dump. Like, every toy is destined... Like, in this one, they avoided the dump, but every toy is inevitably destined for the dump. Yeah. Or tied to the front of a truck. Yeah, or like maybe recycled. Yeah. Oh.

What if you recycle a toy? What if you get Woody's guts, right? Because you need the fluff, and you mix it with a thousand other toys' guts, and Because you need the fluff and you mix it with a thousand other toys guts and you get the fabric and you mix it with a thousand other toys fabric then you make a new toy, which is how recycling works. What is that

new toy? Because it's an amalgamation of a thousand other toys Do they? Is it like, well, my life is Hey, no Because I'm like well, the reason why, say, my life is... Well, hey, no. Because I'm like, well, the reason why, say, Mr. Potato Head can see out of his eyes is because, like, there's sensors there.

So he's got, like, you know, optical sensors, I guess. And same thing with, you know, Mr. Porky Pork. His skin, because his skin has sensory, I guess, feel and whatever, nerves. But your guts, there's no pain pain receptors there's nothing there in your gut so you're not going to be able to feel it you just it would it'd be it'd be gone okay well that's pretty good so like if your stuffing's been taken out but what about it but your but your skin though yeah your skin if your if your arm was just a bunch of different patches arms patches of of skin of you're making frank Frankensteins, Jack.

You're making Frankensteins. You're doing what Sid did in Toy Story 1. No, this is recycling. This is just straight up recycling. This is what happens. This is happening to toys. It seems like, to the humans, a good thing. You're like, oh, we don't want Woody anymore.

Well, yeah, look, let's just give it to this place. They recycle toys. You know when you upcycle something? You're like, oh, Woody, I don't really play with this toy, so I'm going to rip it open and make a cup. Yeah. So you're going to have a cup that you're drinking out of Woody's head. Drinking out of Woody's head and Woody's just screaming.

But you can't tell because he's a toy. Because he's smiling. The other toys know. The other toys know. Yeah. The Toy Story world is just, it's kind of like hell a bit. In that it's relentless. Surely you incinerate a toy that's kind of like a gift.

It's a blessing. It's a blessing. It's a joyous occasion. Because it's hard for a toy to incinerate itself. It's a world without suicide for toys. That's true. Now you could do it. If you're brave.

Jump in a fire. Imagine finding all your toys in a fire. Guess I was bad dad. It's just like, imagine a society where there's two types of people, and one type doesn't know about the other type, and the hidden secret type were eternal. Yeah. type were eternal yeah a race of immortal beings that cannot die but need us and and that need us and we uh dispose of them yeah we we don't use them we we sort of use them and then we throw them away i think realistically you'd hit this point in woody and all the other toys trajectory

where they might love humans you know for for so long and we can judge i think by how long woody's been around and i think the possibly confirmed fan theory that woody belonged long and we can judge i think by how long woody's been around and i think the possibly confirmed fan theory that woody belonged to andy's dad i don't know if that's true but it's been floating around for a while i don't like that theory because in that situation why does woody never mention it yes we well you don't mention a previous lover jesse talks about her previous owner all the time that's a faux. That's the entire plot of Toy Story 2. Faux pas. All the other toys are secretly like, wow.

Shut the fuck up. What are you? That is the equivalent of slurs in our world. You just don't do that, all right? Just don't. But what I mean, so Woody has had, let's say, three owners. Well, yeah, because he's a toy from quite a while away. The 60s.

A toy from the 60s to the, like, 90s. So 60s to a certain point in the 90s, Andy gets him in the early or the late 2000s, 2018s, whatever. The new girl gets him.

Zooey Deschanel. Zooey Deschanel. Yeah. Absolutely. So he's only had three owners, which at that point, sure enough, you're not going to be cynical.

Five owners. Jesse's cynical after one owner. Well, Jesse is a whole problem. Jesse's an outlier. All the toys secretly hate Jesse. Except Buzz, who wants to give her space smooches. How is he feeling? Also, actually,

that's all, yeah. Hang on. Oh, no. That's somehow part of his personality. No, but, like, what? He wants to get his fuck on. But he can't.. That's somehow part of his personality. No, but like what? He wants to get his fuck on. But he can't. Toys don't have dicks. They've got no way of receiving pleasure.

I mean, they do. No buttholes either. Yeah. They've got lips. Yeah. They can kiss. That's it. That's sex for a toy.

Well, again, because you talk about- That's a bad statement. Toy Story's got fucking in it. Because you talk about that's a bad statement Toy Story's got fucking in because you talk about R18 plus with Mr Potato Head because there we go

he's got like you can see you've got Mr Ham Pig Boy you can like you know feel so you do have senses so I'm guessing

there's certain things that must feel good and bad because if you have you know Sid pulling someone's like head off that feels bad so if you have bad you know, Sid pulling someone's, like, head off, that feels bad. Yeah. So if you have bad, you go good.

So they're going to have some... The yin and yang of feelings. If it feels bad, it must also feel good at some point. There's going to have good feelings. There's going to be a way to... But it's not going to be pleasure. No one's coming, basically. Well, maybe.

But, like, their version of coming is different to our version of coming. There's no ejaculate, is what I'm saying. Yeah, possibly. Maybe. Who knows? What I'm saying... Do they have heartbeats or how? version are coming there's no ejaculate is what i'm saying possibly maybe who knows what i'm saying is that 10 years into woody's or 10 owners into woody's life he's gonna turn he's gonna be like you know what fuck humans and that's when i reckon like a terrible war happens toy story fury road

yeah well like toys are in a perfect position to kill children, you know. And which are famously our spawn. And also famously the future. That is the famous thing about children. We have them. But yeah. Also, not just killing kids. Toys can just kill us. Well, yeah, I know.

I'm just like they're in a great position to kill kids. Yeah. They're there. Just mother them. And it's hard for a toy. You know, you close your kid's bedroom door when a toy can't get out Guess you leave it open Woody can come in the night and just stab you in the neck

I guess that's what Chucky has said in the Toy Story universe That's pretty reasonable Because think about the fact that They have a kid in that Because think about Yeah well there you go Like we only see good owners Surely there are bitter toys out there.

No, we do see bad. We see Sid. Sid's toys love their life. No, they don't. Yes, they do. They do. They're like, we're happy. We're new.

Sid's creative. They kill Sid, but the toys aren't, like, in pain. Jackson. No, wait. Hang on. No, he's... I don't remember Toy Story 1. When they're in the bedroom and Woody...

They all come out. Is it Woody or is it Buzz? Woody and Buzz. Yeah. They all come out of the bed. They're like, oh my God, what happened to you? None of the toys are happy. They're like, our life is hell.

They can't speak. They're not sad. Well, you don't know. That's a lot of assumptions on your behalf. They look sad. They look sad because they've been... They don't kill Sid. They don't kill Sid. They murder Sid in his

backyard with a knife. And a rock. My point is... Jackson, who has famously seen Toy Story 1. They love Sid, but they'll kill him. Jackson, who has fucking picture perfect memory seen Toy Story 1. They love Sid, but they'll kill him. Jackson, who has a picture-perfect memory of Toy Story 1

when the beloved toys of Sid rose up and killed him out of kindness. Because Woody told them to. Otherwise they would have done it already. Because they loved him so much? Yes. They didn't love Sid, they just didn't hate their new life.

My point is, there would be more bitter toys. There's a veritable army for Woody to take hold of to then eliminate every child on the planet. Well, yeah, because there's a lot of people who are like, you know, maybe not even bad toy owners, but like the ones in Toy Story 2 where everything's a collectible and they kind of like don't let it out of their head. They hate their lives. Yeah.

Toy Story's, all the Toy Story films are about what if these things hated their life but Woody still didn't. Lotso Huggins, he can kill people. He'll kill kids. He probably has killed people. Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if-

He's a fluffy murder boy. Yeah. So basically we have- There was some kind of, like, you know, there was some dead toddlers in that kindergarten Why do these kids keep dying in this kindergarten Sid sucks Sid does suck

I get it now So we have Ape fucking and diseases A public hanging human genocide Slash maybe hell Hell for the toys Eternal death for us They're all kind of terrible endings Yeah I mean none of them are worse than the other baby hell. Hell for the toys, eternal death for us.

They're all kind of terrible endings. Yeah, I mean, none of them are worse than the other, really. I mean, Douche is pretty bad globally. Like, you've got a personal terribleness, then you've got a social village kind of terribleness. World. Worldwide. It's hard to say which one's worse. It is pretty easy to say

that these happy endings are not happy and movies should stop lying to us. Destroy all media. Absolutely. 100%. Except podcasts. And ads. On that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. Fuck you. I've been Jackson. Yeah, that's right.

Bye. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit.

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But not forever. Kisses.