Plumbing the Death Star - Which Disney Princess Would Make the Best Step-Dad? Live! (Feat. Adam)

Episode Date: March 5, 2017

In which our heroes’ mum has started dating again, decided that cartoon royalty is the best way forward so is making her may through the Disney Kingdoms as we ask which Disney Princess would make the best Step-Dad?Want to come see Movie Maintenance and Plumbing the Death Star Live? Just head here https://www.trybooking.com/OXLV to grab your tickets today!Purchase your Sydney Comedy Fest tickets right here; http://www.sydneycomedyfest.com.au/single-event?show_id=1546! And you can watch this episode live right here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wh_WZxwWjbE Want to help support the show?Patreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, 50% chutzpah, 51% bad maths. First off, we're doing another live show in Melbourne. This time it's on a Saturday and during the day. We're teaming up with Movie Maintenance for their 100th episode till the 29th of April at the Exford Hotel, 3 till 6pm. Click the links in the show notes to grab your tickets before they're all sold out. Also, we're heading back to Sydney for the Sydney Comedy Fest. Just head to sydneycomedyfest.com.au and search for Plumbing Palooza or one word to grab your tickets

today. We've got the bathrooms up the back. There is a bar over here, but it won't be open. So if you want a drink, you need to go upstairs, but then you can bring it down. And also a big thanks to the big hostel for having us so that we could come and do this show for you. Because we have somewhere to sleep that's not a crack den this time. Really appreciate that one. All right. So welcome to today's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. A very special live edition.

Where we ask the important questions like, which Disney princess would make the best stepdad? Right, so, some ground rules first. Yeah, and I think the way we've got to do this, we've just got to go through the Disney princesses. Okay, and Disney princess here, we're going to use to denote any lady in a Disney movie. So, like, Jane from Tarzan. She's a princess. She's a princess.

She's like Prince of the Jungle. Yeah, she's the Jungle Prince. What is Tarzan if not a prince? Right? He's a prince of apes. I mean, don't they call him the King of the Jungle? No, because there's still... Well, he is.

He's the King Gorilla. Yeah, but that makes her a queen. After Kojak dies, he becomes the king gorilla. That makes her a queen. Ah, damn. It counts. Right. Yeah, stepdad ground rules.

Right. So, yeah, stepdad ground rules. So, mum's gone away from some Super Smash Bros. characters. Yep. Now she wants to travel the magical kingdom of Disney. Yep. Right. So, how are we doing this again? Well, what were our tears for last time was helping us with bullies.

Yep. Teaching us about the birds and the bees. Yep. Homework. Homework, yeah. Discipline. And discipline. And fun.

That's good. What? And fun. And fun. That's a good five. Stepdad's got to be fun. Stepdad's got to be fun because he's got an uphill battle. Yeah.

Do you want to go through those five things one more time? Because I have no faith that any of us actually remembered them. Okay. Discipline. Discipline. Homework. Homework. Bullies.

Bullies. Birds and bees. The birds and the bees. Fun. Fun. There you go. Bam. All right.

Who's up first? Let's start with Ariel, the little mermaid. All right. Has trouble with birds and bees, surely. Low score. Will, just teach us that wrong. Like, eggs. It's an egg thing.

What you do is you swim into a cave, you lay your eggs, and you leave, and your partner comes in and just he does his thing. I don't I Don't think that's right You know you back talk you know You know how some schools will give you like a fake baby that you need to look after Ariel gives us like a thousand Ariel gives us like a thousand frog spawn like when you get like fish from like a like a yeah like a pet store it's just like a plastic bag full of babies don't let them die that's not pleasant especially if they're little mermaids yeah we're gonna grow up terrified of sex. That's what's going to happen. Birds and the bees.

Not great. Zero. Donuts, mate. Donuts. Zero. Zero out of five or ten. Five is easy. Okay, zero out of five for that.

For some reason easier than ten. It's a smaller number. Someone keep math because me bad at that. Homework is bad as well because we probably need to teach her about our she didn't know what a fork was also if we bring any paper to her or our iPads they're gonna get ruined in the sea yeah wait we got Ariel where she's mute but not a fish lady oh we got area lady but can talk or G Ariel with a fish like fish she's a princess in both realms. Yeah, she's always

a princess. She's never not a princess. Alright, so fishtail Ariel. Is our house half under the sea? Yes. Yeah, it needs to have at least a jetty. That's great. I mean, it's not one of our criteria, but I feel like I'm going to have weird feelings about mom and

new dad. Like, they don't sleep in the same bed. One of them sleeps in the ocean. They might. Like, you can get like a bed. A water bed. That's not what a water bed is. Water bed, cut a little slit in it. She sleeps in the bed.

Mom sleeps on top of the bed. That's really romantic. It's something. Okay. All right, so homework again. Zero. She could teach us about the sea. Yeah.

She could teach us to swim. No, she can't. She could teach us to swim with a fishtail. She couldn't teach us to swim. We've got different operations going on downstairs. So a one? Like a one. Like a sea science test came up. Yeah. Okay, so let's... So a one? Like a one. Because if like a,

you know, sea science test came up. Yeah. Marine biology. That's the one, yep. She'd be maybe helpful. At least I could talk to one of the fish.

Yeah. Like if they were like, Jackson, you got to do a report on swordfish. I'd be like, hey, dad, can you find one? I just want to have a chat.

I just want to learn about its life, I guess. Yeah, okay. She comes with some real cool friends. Yeah, that's neat. That's good. 1.5 then. All right, 1.5.

That's fair. Dealing with bullies. She could drown him. A five. We all went to drown. We have to lure the bully to the sea. That's easy. School excursion to the beach, Adam. Come on.

Chad, I left my lunch money in this rock pool. That's crazy. If you want it, you just gotta get in. Hey, come check out our jetty. It's real cool. This is where my stepdad lives. Actually, maybe stepdad is able to grab an octopus, be like, protect my stepson. That's where my stepdad lives. Actually, maybe stepdad is able to, like, grab an octopus,

be like, protect my stepson. That's true. Like, if I have a cape. Just hook an octopus out of it. But if the bully then runs away, Little Mermaid's going to fuck. Yeah, like, if the bully gets it, he's like, I don't want any of that. And then I'm going to get bullied because my stepdad's a mermaid.

Yeah. But she could just do the whole thing where she becomes mute and gets legs to chase down the bully. And that's scary because it's a silent assassin. Like, you can't reason with her. Well, you can, but she's not saying anything back because she can't.

And that's spooky. That's scary. Five. Bullies is five. Straight off five. She's on 6.5. That's pretty good. Fun. Pretty fun, actually. We spend a lot of time at the beach.

Yeah, plus I get to meet fish. And whatever Ursula is, a sea witch. A sea witch! You ever wanted to go swimming with the dolphins? Ever wanted to do that every goddamn day of your life? The only issue with fun is there's not as much variety and things like theme parks

or mini golf would be off. Or bowling. All our fun is basically water sports. Yeah, which is like, it's fine, but not you need a bit of variety in your life. But they're like crazy water sports, so like a two or two and a half is probably fair. Also, I can't breathe underwater.

You know what I mean? I think so, yeah, I can't breathe under water. You know what I mean? I think so, yeah. I can't relate. But most of Ariel's fun, I feel like I'm going to need to be there. It's under the sea. Great song.

Down there it's better. Down there it's wetter. Are you meeting like step-grandad? Would you even get a chance? Or would you have to take a boat into the middle of the ocean? Triton's like, Hi, I'm your step-grandad. Would you even get a chance? Would you have to take a boat into the middle of the ocean? Triton's like, Hi, I'm your stepdad. Step-grandpa. We just call him Grandpa.

I think he'd make us call him Triton. King Triton. So we'll say like, what, 2.5 for fun? Yeah, 2.5. I'd bump it up to 3. Why? Not only are we getting cool beach times, but we're getting cool beach times with sea

animals. Yeah, but she's got to act as a translator. I've got to be like, Flounder, what up? And he's going to be like, I don't want to talk to fish. I want to swim with them. But it's not cool beach times. It's cool water times. She can't come onto the beach, and plus it has to be really hot and she might dry out, so it's all going to be... You don't want that. You don't want a dry step, Dad.

Let's go three for you. You don't have to give her a pity .5 because of me. It's fine. So what does that leave us at? You seem to be doing the math before. That's a 9.5. 9.5 out of 20.

Which means we're missing a category. What was it? Discipline? Discipline. Out of 25. No, because we haven't done a category. This is in shambles already. Discipline.

Not bad. She doesn't know what's going on. She's bad at discipline. Plus a hoarder. Yeah. Like just a straight up hoarder. We're going to have to bring her stuff so that she can put it in her little cave. She'll be like, it's a fandangle.

I'll be like, it's a fork. It's a fucking fork. You're not listening. I don't like Ariel as our new stepdad. No, I'm not a fan. Sometimes she has legs and doesn't talk to me. I feel like I'm growing up wrong. Am I laying eggs at some point? I'm a chicken egg jerked off with him and now I don't know what I feel like I'm growing up wrong I got a bunch of chicken eggs jerked off at him and now I don't know what I feel

oh god explaining that your kid's jerking off on some eggs in his bedroom you're like I don't know I don't know what to say buddy I guess this is on new step dad so what one for discipline cause like I mean I'm sure that if push comes to shove,

there'd be some. Yeah, I think a zero is probably too low. But yeah, one. So that gives it a 10.5 out of 25. That's all right. In what world is that a good score? It's not great. I feel like they're going to be worse.

Do we have a category about how she deals with mum? Oh, yeah. Oh, satisfying mum. Yeah. That was always a category about how she deals with mum? Oh, yeah. Oh, satisfying mum. Yeah. That was always a category. I reckon Ariel would be all right at satisfying mum. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Mum would have a great time.

She's all male. I think the sex problem comes up again. Would she even know that she's dating a human female? How did they meet? At a bar. How did they meet? At a bar. What's their meet? Ariel walking in all goofy like mum mum mum.

You know some places you go in and you can pick the lobster out of the fish. That's a great meet cute. Ariel's on the plate, take off the thing, she's like don't eat me. That instant love. Yeah, she wouldn't know what lady bits are.

A vagina is foreign to Ariel. Mum's going to have to instruct her what to do. And that's all that would have been. We could overhear that. I'm traumatised. No thank you. Zero. So that's 10.5 out of 30 now. Is that still

a good score? No, now I see the folly of my ways. So we've got to sit mum down and be like, mum, please, not a fish lady again. Just move on. Okay, what's another Disney princess? Let's go with an obvious one. We'll go with Elsa. Elsa, all right.

All right. Ice powers, good. Cool. Is this, once again, pre where she can't control the ice powers? Or is it post when she can? Dusha, for some reason we assume you have the answer. I am the boss, I guess, because I asked the question. Well, we did go, like, original Ariel.

Yeah, so it's going to be we should go. Oh, boy, we're in trouble. This is going to be to be like a troll on standby for us. So what are our categories? All right. Fun. So much fun. Unpredictable fun.

May get my heart frozen. What fun. To meet some trolls. Fun. Five. Mum's repressed with everything. She is not very fun. True.

Mum's locked up in a room. Is she still locked up in her room? No. We'll go with peak Elsa because Ariel with a tail is peak Ariel. No one's like, oh, I'm glad Ariel has legs now. Not even Ariel's happy about that.

We'll do her when she's got the ice castle, yeah? Okay. So like in the middle of Frozen? She still can't control her powers, then. Yes, she can. When she has the ice castle, it's stuck in eternal winter. Exactly. That's not control.

She's not learned love yet. She didn't learn love in your scenario. She's learned love because she's dating Mom. Yeah. That's nice. That's good. All right. Have we settled that?

Let's stop arguing about Frozen. Yep. And let's get down to the proper business of why we're here. How does she rate as a dad? Alright, fun I'd say is high. It's risky fun, but it's still fun. Yeah, and unlike water, the ice, the winter powers

kind of thing, there's a lot of variety to that. Yeah, she can make us little Olaf's to chill with. Yeah, and snowball fights inside. Little Olaf's in a huge snowflake. Go ice skating on any lake you want. Ruin fisherman's days?

Yes! Give it to the fishermen. They've had it good too long. They have. Five. Five. Yeah, five. I guess I'm being outvoted here because I do not think it's five.

Have you never dreamed of giving fishermen the business? Have you not lived, Adam? Farmers maybe, but never fishermen. We can ruin their day too. Oh, hey, your crop's growing. Dead.

Fun. I feel like you're understating how often we might get got by her ice powers. Then we just go to trolls. It's fine. The trolls make her wipe her mind. They give one of us really bad advice. We're good.

Also, apparently being frozen is pleasant because it slows your heart rate slowly so you feel real calm. That's kind of nice. I would much prefer that than drowning or dying with a fire or something or getting strangled by hair which will be another principle

we'll get to that one later I'm not saying all I'm saying is that you give someone a 5 here shouldn't be because you're giving it compared to everyone else I'm saying 5 should just be like safe no fun's ever safe 5 because you're giving it compared to everyone else. I'm saying five should just be like, safe. No fun's ever safe.

Five. Let's go four. No. All right, fuck you. Five it is. We gave him the three for both. Yeah, that's right. I didn't want that one.

All right. Discipline. Discipline. Well, freeze her heart. It would be bad. Five. Five. She's stern.

She ruled the kingdom with like a frozen fist. Five. No, She's stern. She ruled the kingdom with like a frozen fist. Five. No, no, I'm scared of mom. That's the discipline. I mean, that's a kind of discipline.

Actually, yeah, probably not a five because like, I think a five on the discipline scale would have to be like fair and not ruling with a frozen fist of fear.

Yeah, which is what I feel like new stepdad's going to be. It's like a two. Plus, like, they've got their own shit going on, so, like, are they even going to discipline us? Yeah. I don't think so.

I'm going to be ruling. I'm going to be unruly. You'll act out and no one will like it. I will act out. I'll be painting on the walls, tearing up carpet. Why are you acting out, Jack? Is it because you've had like 20 dags? Yes.

One of them was an ape. So discipline, nah, not high. Like two? Two. Yeah, like a two? Seven out of ten. Bullies, five. I'd give it six.

Bullies, five. Bullies, five. Finally, the death power is coming at me. Well, not even just death power. It's like a frozen heart. What? Now you need to learn about love. Oh, that's so good.

And then the bully learns about love. It's great. It's the perfect. Or die. Or die. Depends how quick they are. Depends how much they can get to them trolls. So, yeah, that's all right.

That's pretty good. I'd say five is solid for that. I like that five, we're like, yeah, dead kids, that's good. Five is... Bully's got to learn a lesson somehow,

even in death. That's alright. Yeah, already, homework. She's clever. Yeah, but like, she's in the modern day, yeah? Yeah.

And she comes from the not modern day. So does she know like We're going to knock down every princess for that. Well I mean probably yes. Step Papa Elsa help me turn on my computer. You just froze my computer. That didn't fix

anything. My teacher won't believe this. It's kind of low on the homework front. Plus we're going to have to move. That's a problem we're going to have to talk about with all of the princesses, but they've got a kingdom. Are we going to have to go there?

Is she going to come live with us? Anna can look after the kingdom while Elsa's dating Mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you act like it's not a permanent thing. Whilst Elsa's dating Mom, it's not going to last forever, but I guess we just know from experience.

I think I'd be happy to move into a castle. Yeah, well, I'm just saying we should just take it into consideration. Ariel was a shit move. This is a castle. Yeah, I'm just saying we should just take it into consideration. Ariel was a shit move. This is a castle? Yeah, all right. Okay, okay. Well, that's pretty good.

So homework, not terribly high. Two. Another two. Elsa is not faring well. Yeah. She got two perfect scores. I was not real bad at following numbers. Birds and the bees?

Birds and the bees. Repressed. Not great. She'd be like abstinence only. Don't let anyone touch you. Wear gloves all the time. Constantly wear a cover. Over everything.

Although she is going to stop us from getting last minute hitched. That's true. You can't marry someone you just met. Yeah, that's true. I know that Disney films can't usually show this, and they don't. That makes it sound like I've got an exclusion to the rule. I don't. Disney films can't usually show this and they don't that makes it sound like I've got an exclusion to the rule I don't Disney films don't show this but yeah the fact that

Alice is like you can't just fall in love with a man you just met you fucking idiot direct quote yeah it was a musical bit about that makes me feel like that she's got she must have some experience with boys or girls whatever she's into yeah I mean ladies clearly she's dating our mom.

Potentially she's just not an idiot. Yeah. Yeah, could be. Plus, like, what? She's been locked in that room a whole life. She doesn't know what's going on. But we don't see what happens after the parents disappear.

Like, as in, like, maybe the butler gave her the talk. It's okay. We know what happened. We killed the kid. It's fine. I feel like she's not going to teach us anything. I feel like the moment we bring it up,

we're like, hey, Elsa, can you teach me what my wang does? She's going to be like, no. I like not changing the subject. Can you teach me what my wang does? That's what I'll say. Got to learn sometimes. She's not changing the subject. She's just being like, no.

My dick did a weird thing. No. Okay. Never mind. My dick did a weird thing. No, okay. Never mind, new stepdad, I guess. God, I look forward to when one of them teaches me properly. I reckon Jane. What category are we missing? We gave ourselves way too many categories.

Pleasing mum. Pleasing mum. I have no evidence for it but I think she'd be good me too I reckon she'd be alright I'm basing it on absolutely nothing but I reckon she knows her way around a vagina

to treat mum right yeah anybody got any counter arguments to my hunch inexperience is one. I reckon she's an eager one. I reckon she'll learn quick. She wants to learn.

She wants to explore. It's up on the fruit of life. Just so long as none of the ice powers kick in, everything's good. Fucking whatever. I don't have to pour warm water so that she can tear her tongue away. I would hope that she always wears gloves. That's all. Fucking whatever. I don't have to pour warm water so that she can tear her tongue away. I would hope that she always wears gloves.

That's all I'm saying. Maybe mum likes that. You don't know. We don't know mum's... Who knows with mum? I frankly don't want to know mum's sexual preferences. Like I said before, she's dated an ape and a Pikachu at this point.

And which is arguably worse, a Wario. She got some odd tastes in men. So what does that leave us at at the end with Elsa? Dusha? Scorekeeper? All right. Good question. So out of 30, which I think we skipped a category.

Yeah, I'm sure we did. 23. Let's just go with that. She got 23. I would imagine 23 is roughly what it added up to. All right. Who's next? Who's next?

What's the queen from The Lion King? Nala. Nala. Mom. Always bringing it back to dog, man. It's a lion. It's different. Okay.

Zero. Across the board. No. Not dealing with bullies. Dealing Across the board. No, dealing with bullies. Dealing with bullies. Nala doesn't know what a bully is. If I have bullies and I'm like, hop in the car, Nala, and we go to where the bullies are and I just let her out. And I've had a chain.

You bully me again? You'll get eaten by a lion. You'll get eaten by my new stepdad. Your stepdad, Princess Lion. It's fine. So that's five out of 30, I feel. No, I'm sure she's all right with other things. Homework, yes, is hot zero.

Zero. Birds of Prey is zero. Discipline. Get batted around like a mouse if you do five. You'd be so afraid to do wrong. We just decided that fear isn't a good motivator for discipline. I don't think this is fear. It's not fear.

In the same way that Jack had a hunch that Elsa was good in the sack, I have a hunch that Nala is good at discipline. Yeah, I agree. Simba doesn't act out. Till his dad dies. No, no, no. He actually, wait, no. He does like... Simba goes to the elephant graveyard. Simba is literally

that film is just him acting out. They're terrible parents. Three. Eight, eight, seven. Seven out of thirty. Alright. Fun though. Three. Yeah, three. Eight, eight, seven. Seven out of 30. Alright, alright. Fun though. Fun. I'm lying. It'd shoot up your arm.

She takes us hunting for fun. That's alright. It's a different kind of aerial. It's all like Pride Lands. Instead of the sea. And like, where it's aerial, in the sea we're playing with animals. Do we have to move to Pride Rock? Killing animals.

That's a good point. Adam just asked about this. I'm sleeping on a stone? Yep. Circle life. Get used to it. What happens? Then we eat like a baboon.

That's all right. Okay, so I guess the upside is that we're eating baboons. That is good, though. I'm down for our Pride Land move. Discipline? Three. Fun, I reckon that's pretty high. Fun is high.

Hunting. Having a lion is fun. In the same way that going to the beach every single time will eventually get boring, just hunting is going to get boring. Because we can hunt different things. You can hunt like a toucan. We can hunt like a baboon. Not Zazu.

We can hunt like an elephant. He's a serpent. You can't hunt a serpent. Yes, you can. It's the greatest sport. That's what the... Fly. We'll get you.

Also, hunting exists in this reality, the one we currently live in, and none of us hunt. True. Like, it is an option that we have, and we're like, no, that's fucked. Yeah, but I don't have an option to hunt with a lion. You can hunt with a dog.

Hunt with a dog or a gun. Here's something that we're all forgetting. If mum marries Nala, we get the Pride Lance. Tell me you don't want to stand on Pride Rock and have all the elephants kneel down at you. You own all those elephants now. Simba or Mustafa?

What's his name? Mufasa. Legally, I don't think that's how it works, though. I don't think any zookeepers or conservationists are going to be like, that's fine, you can do whatever you want. I think we might get in trouble with the law. Pride Rock's yours.

That's fine. Enjoy it. Remember what happened when Scar got Pride Rock? Imagine that, but worse. Yeah. fine. Enjoy it. Remember what happened when Scar got Pride Rock? Imagine that, but worse. Yeah. We'd ruin it. All right. So fun, what, like a two?

Yep. So that brings it. Pleasuring mom. Pleasuring mom. I don't even want to talk about this. Zero. Yeah. No one think about it.

It's a zero. Let's move on. Can I just say that cats... No, no, no. No, no, no, no, yeah. No one think about it. It's a zero. Let's move on. Can I just say that cats... No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Not happening. Did you know that a lion's tongue tears the flesh apart as they lick it?

Zero. Zero. Yeah, zero. Mum's in trouble. Hot zero. So that gives a real close to Ariel's score. No, I think it was a nine. Ariel was 10.5, wasn't she?

Yeah. Not good. What about Belle? Yeah. Homework's pretty good. She's clever-ous. She's also from the ancient times. She's clever.

She's the cleverest of a dumb village. Yeah, She's also from the ancient times. She's the cleverest of like a dumb village. Yeah, that's true. She likes to read a lot. She'll learn pretty quick. Yeah, okay. Discipline. See, I keep imagining she comes with a beast, but she doesn't. No. So the only real downside is like

ex-boyfriend, but... I was about to say, yeah, this is not on the list, but ex-boyfriend is a major downside here. No, wait. He's like little princeling. Yeah, he's fine. He's a wisp of a man. Yeah, he's no longer the beast. We're no longer in trouble. We're fine. We're fine.

Discipline? What do we think? After time with the beast, I reckon she'd have upped her discipline game. Yeah, I think she's good. Oh, good. Yeah, like three or four. I thought she'd be like unhinged. I'm assuming we're getting her after the beast turned

into the prince and she was like, ew. Is that prime bell? That's prime bell. Yes. That's what you want. Post beast bell is the bell you want. Alright. Fun. Not that fun. Read a book. Post Beast Belle is the Belle you want. Fun.

Not that fun. Read a book. She'll dance with you maybe and read you a book maybe. I don't want my stepdad to dance with me. Whoever has wanted that. I guess the thing about Belle is that without the rest of the cast of Beauty and the Beast, she's just so boring. She's literally just a lady. Like, if I could get the talking furniture, sweet.

No, that's mad. That's just like she talks about, she's like, oh yeah, my ex. He has all this talking furniture. I'm like, aw. I want to go there. You can't. He's a wisp of a man. I'm not interested.

All of his furniture are just people now. Where does he sit down? On the floor? His chairs weren't people, were they? Most of them were. His dog was a whatever you call it. A what? A footstool.

A footstool, yeah. He had some furniture that was not people. Yeah, that he ruined and ripped up. Well, you hope they weren't people. He would have to buy new furniture from the village at the end of Beauty and the Beast. It was not good for Belle. I can understand why she went to mum.

You know what? I think Belle is just going to be a hot 15 out of 30. Yeah, I think that's fair. She's a good neutral middle ground. Not too great, not too terrible. She's just a person. If there was a book about pleasing mum, I reckon she'd be a bit high.

And this book's about birds and the bees. Kama Sutra. Get her the Kama Sutra. Mum's satisfied like that. It's stressing me so much that your two favourite categories are birds and the bees and pleasing mum. Every time we try and move on, you're like, but pleasing mum! You've just got to think about mum's needs

and I don't think you're being a good son. I think that my role as a son is fine by not thinking about that. She's got to look after mum. She needs some kind of stability. Clearly, something's gone wrong in mum's life.

We should be looking after mum. Like, come on, Dusha. She's a mess. If mum brings home an ape... She dated a lion. Recently, after the ape, we were like, mum, don't do that again. And she's like, look, it's your new stepdad.

God damn it. I've had an eye switch that froze a bully. Belle is above 15. Better than average, just because she is a normal person. All right. 20 out of 30. 20 out of 30.

There we go. That's fair. All right. Rodeo. Jane. Jane. Jane. Came from the jungle but wasn't born in the jungle.

Was in England for a bit, then in the jungle for a bit, and now is presumably back in England for a bit. Yep. She decided, I guess, that living with Tarzan was not fun. Too many apes. It is too many apes. You got a lot of benefits of Belle because she's smart.

She's very clever. Jane, do you mean? Yeah. She's like Belle. She's book smart. I think homework is alright. Yeah, she can teach you homework. How long was she with Tarzan before she started dating Mum? Because that's going to... 18 months.

Oh, okay. That's how long, like, the apes How many, like, how many ape traits does one acquire in 18 months? Let's say you pick up one every two months. So, nine. That's a lot of ape traits. Belle is apey. I mean, not Belle.

Jane is apey. Jane is very quite apey. Okay, well, then is homework that good or is she like ape level intelligence now? Actually, the apes are fairly intelligent. Maybe you do, but you don't just lose intelligence. But she's going through the process of

de-aping, so it's not that fun. I know what happened here. You were thinking of apes as perks and cons. You were just like, no, she's got ape perks. But she's a person and the best bits of an ape now. Yeah. No, there are cons to being an ape.

Name one. It's not all roses and creams. Name one, shitting outside. That's an easy thing to re-remember to not do. I think she's just going to lose all the negative ape traits when she comes back to civilization. Give me a positive ape trait. Climbing.

Raw strength. Dealing with bullies. Oh man, the idea of Jane tearing off a bully's arms with her powerful ape strength. Sounds like Chewbacca and Jane now combined. All right. So I reckon very fun.

Yeah, super fun. Plus she can teach us how to, like if she knows how to climb vines and stuff, she can teach us that. Yeah. She takes apes to like adventure playgrounds. Yeah. Plus she speaks to apes in the movie,

so presumably she can teach us to speak to apes. Go to the zoo and talk to an ape. The ape's like, please, my life is safe. Free me. And Jane's like, don't worry about talking to this one, maybe. Maybe just don't talk to the apes. Let's just... Zoo is off our go-to list.

Let's just not do that. Let's go to the circus and talk to... Actually, no. Why do I keep taking us to places where they're not treating animals. Let's go to the circus and talk to... Actually, no. Why do I keep taking it to places where they're not treating animals? That's on me. All right. I still think it's pretty fun. Pretty fun.

Discipline-wise, I reckon she... I reckon she might be a bit violent discipline-wise. She's been living with the apes. She was prissy before that, though. New stepdad might smack us around a bit. With her ape strength. Yeah, with her ape strength. Because if you've seen an ape discipline another ape,

it's rough. They grab their head and slam into the ground. You'll leave the... Spill a drink. She'll be like... Beat us into the carpet. I don't think Jane's... Oh, man, I'm getting flashbacks of our previous stepdad.

I don't think Jane has entirely forgotten, though, that humans are not apes. Yeah, I mean, I guess. Maybe she was there for even years, but how do you forget that apes and people are different? I mean, Tarzan didn't forget, and he was raised... Tarzan didn't know. But he still knew.

He didn't know that humans and apes were different until he met another human, and then he knew straight away. Yeah, okay, alright. Jane's not thinking you're an ape. She might think you're an ape. What if she tries to discipline me like an ape? That's what she's been doing for 18 months. It might happen once and then she might

hopefully get a stern talking to from mum. Also, why would she be disciplining apes in the jungle? If they're rowdy? She's got to do something about it. She's not the apes' mum. She's like the ape queen. If you're married to the king of the apes, Queen Elizabeth

comes down and is like, what are you doing to your child? I'm disciplined to give my scepter. Smack. That's what the scepter. Smack. That's what the scepter's for. But the Commonwealth is not like 30 people. Even if it was. Then maybe she would come and get us.

I don't think she would. Okay, think about local councils. If your local councilman doesn't knock on your door and be like, Hi, how do you do your homework? Actually, no, wait. No, child services. That's not the person who runs the local

council coming down, though. Go on. Sell us on Jane. I mean, I'm already sold. Try to unsell me on Jane. You can't. Alright, whatever. What are we giving you for discipline, then? Like a five? Not five. Three? Three to four. Three and a half.

I'll go with a three. All right. Birds and the bees. She still knows it. Yeah. She's not going to teach us ape birds and the bees. No, I mean, presumably her and Tarzan had a physical intimate relationship at some stage. Yeah.

But Tarzan, I mean, like. What? I mean, he's a man. I don't know where you're going with that. What I'm going to say is that Tarzan's been living with the apes and in ape society for like his whole life and he's a fully grown man. It's just within ape society, if he'd been born an ape...

Are you saying... Like Tarzan would be fucking the lady a like that's got nothing to do with new stepdad but but the moment Jane enters that relationship yeah is this a Jane has doesn't know what not rough sex is or is this a disease like is this like uh she might be disease monkey syphilis yeah yeah that's not good i just think just think that 18 months would have been real strange for jane that's all i'm saying the bees talk's fine it's the it's like time when jane is maybe drunk a little too much and divulges what happened in that 18 months. That's the bad time for us. What about pleasuring Mama?

Well, that's where the disease probably comes in. Yeah, this is disease rearing its ugly head. So low? Yeah. Well, I mean, it might please her, but it's not good. It's not good for Monk. Let's call that a zero. Okay, let's give her a 22 out of 30,

because that's what she was on. I don't know. Could be anything. Don't let them know. 22 out of 30. I don't know it myself. Rapunzel, because we said we'd talk about Rapunzel. Long hair.

Long hair. That's all right. I don't know what category that falls into. Pleasing mum. Healing hair. I think if we get shot, we can heal it up with the hair. Yeah, that's good. So we mum. Healing hair. I think it can, like if we get shot, we can heal it up with the hair.

Yeah, that's good. So we're getting Rapunzel pre- Yeah, peak Rapunzel. Peak Rapunzel is long blonde Rapunzel. Yeah. How does it work,

the hair? Do you just shove it in the wound or whatever? Just like pack it in and sing a song. Yeah, like, okay. Gross. But at least

you're not shot anymore. That's alright. I guess that's a good trade-off. So is this like Rapunzel and Flynn Rider doing their thing and then she just sees Mum and she's like, well, later dickhead. Mum, she's a knockout Mum. She's gorgeous. Don't say that about Mum.

I can think my Mum is gorgeous. That's all right. I don't want to enter this conversation. No. Nah. Regardless. The last 20 dads we've had have messed you up. Why did I? You had the same dads.

Why did I end up so wrong? I didn't have all 20. I guess I came with Ariel. This is my fish boy son, Adam. For some reason, mum got me in the divorce. You are like Flounder a bit. Like,

if Ursula had changed, she's like Ariel, whatever, I'll make Flounder a guy too, like whatever. Adam. I guess that means surely my birth father

is Prince Eric, right? I guess so. Unless you're Flounder, in which case, no. You misremembered that. Prince Flounder. I mean, not Prince Flounder. Prince Eric put a fish in Ariel, I guess. Gross.

Okay. Gross. So. Tangled. Goodness. Gross. So. Singled. Goodness. Discipline. Low. She's very timid.

Yeah, she's timid. Or she'll smack us with a frying pan or lock us in our room. No, no. She's been taught wrong. Yeah. Low discipline. Wait, locking a kid in a room, that's good. That's good discipline.

Not forever. I'm not pro-abuse. For a bit. Until we get to the bullies then. I think worst case scenario, she over, like, overheats us. No dinner for a week in your room.

Every punishment's gonna be just that little bit too extreme. Yeah. No dinner for a week. Best case scenario, she just can't control us. You answered back to me Stay in your room for 15 years Not great Two Three

Radio, birds and the bees Doesn't know shit locked in a tower Zero Same with like it's the Elsa problem yet again Man, birds are locked away That's weird Homework's pretty bad as well Yeah, stupid

Wait, no, she reads heaps No, doesn't she read heaps? She has heaps of books in there. I think she reads heaps. And also, like, painting. Maybe she would teach us art. What if art is not my chosen vocation? Well, it is now.

Throw those science books in the bin, nerd. You're an artist now. Break your glasses. No! So homework, good, but scary. artist now. Break your glasses. So homework, good but scary. Be creative. Yeah, I guess. She's good in one very specific way. But let's be honest, she's probably pretty stupid.

Like we can all agree, Rapunzel's probably an idiot. She just didn't get any education. I mean, that seems fair. Who am I to say otherwise? Elsa too, really. No, Elsa was clever. Well, she was clever for like the 1600s.

Did she bathe? Who knows? Keep your skin filthy. Did Rapunzel bathe? Probably not. Stinky. Stinky new stepdad. Actually, that long hair, did she get one of them giant plaits? You know the Polish... I know what you mean.

Yeah, the Polish plait I think it's called. Or is that a racist term? So Rapunzel... Yes. Yeah? Just overall poor. Hair's scary. With strangle bullies. Five. She can strangle bullies. Five. She can

strangle bullies and punch them and shit with her hair to the... I like that there was an unspoken rule that the end goal of dealing with bullies is just killing them. Or at least terrify them. We're like, bully's not a problem anymore. Think about it.

There was a bully coming to you and they saw stepdad with his hair coming down like tentacles, you'd be afraid. You would stop bullying that kid. You might not. You'd keep bullying the child. Your stepdad's

a lady with crazy hair. Actually, no. I would just be like, I don't need to bully this child anymore. I think enough damage has been done by not me. I feel like we, like, early on it was just like regular bullies, but now like nobody should really be bullying. Everybody should just be sad

for us. Like in school everyone's like, oh, there's that kid, he has like a million dads. One of his dads was a Pikachu. Every day he gets a new dad. It's real sad. Once it was like, she's dated two different just round pink fluff ball

things. Somebody should get that kid help. That's it. I'm calling child services. It's for the best. Not great. Rapunzel, 15 out of 30. I think less. 10 out of 30. 11 and, 15 out of 30. I think less. 10 out of 30.

11 and a half out of 30. Went the wrong way. 9 out of 30. There we go. That's worse than a lion. Yeah? Yeah? I want Nala dad again.

That's not good. Having fond memories of that lion. Alright, who's next? Alice in Wonderland. A child, so that's low. So is Ness. This ain't mum's first rodeo. Someone really should

call child services. Alright. Let's age her up then. 18, alright. 18 year old Alison Wondland. Still creepy.

Either drug addicted or assumed to be mad. Yeah, insane. One or the other. Pushes us down rabbit holes. Fun though. Fun? Oh, so fun. Have some mushrooms. Thanks or the other. Pushes us down rabbit holes. Fun though. Fun.

Oh, so fun. Have some mushrooms. Thanks, stepdad. Dangerous fun. Fun that when we're older, we're like, that wasn't okay. Got real small. Fun that makes us either drug addicted or mad. Yeah.

Discipline, non-existent, I'd imagine. Yeah, non-existent. She's too loopy. She don't care. What? Go on. Think of other things. Birds and the bees.

Well, I mean, it's hard to say because in Alice in Wonderland, no chance. That's a zero. Yeah. But aged up, maybe. I think you've got the problem of like. She lives in the real world, though. So like, apart from Wonderland. I'm aware've got the problem of like... She lives in the real world, though, so like... Apart from Wonderland.

I'm aware that's not reality. So, like, when she comes out of that, assumedly she's going to know what sex is. Maybe. I like how you said that to me, like, Jackson. No, because when she goes down into the rabbit hole, everything's wrong. Yeah, but she's...

Everything's wrong. She's not there forever, though. She does come back, but then she goes into a mirror. Through the looking glass. Yeah. You're going to lose new stepdad through holes in mirrors.

All the time. New stepdad does go missing a lot. New stepdad steps out for cigarettes every now and then. Comes back, he's like, yeah, there was a queen off with her heads or something, playing cards, I don't know. She's a bit of a distant stepdad. Yeah, which is kind of all right compared to the stepdads we've had.

You know what I mean? Sometimes it's like if you've got the option of a lion or a stepdad that's never home, choose the second one, I would say. Yes. What about pleasuring Mama? Wow. She can get real little. All right.

All right. That didn't deserve a clap. Yeah. I'm into that. Yeah. All right. Go, Ma. To be fair, it wasn't an Ant-Man comic,

so that wasn't my own imagination. It happens in a comic book. Thank God. I like that this question should really have been like, which Disney princess would be the best at pleasuring mom? That's a question we have the most fun with, clearly. I mean, she'd be good at it, but like, whatever. If we hear any of that that's gonna scar us

get tiny oh jeez why? what do they mean? what could that possibly be good for? imagine just you know when Alice gets huge and fills out that house just you're in bed just a like

you're like why? what is happening in there? I really do not want to be sitting next to the couch playing Super Nintendo with, like, mom in the kitchen hearing Alice come in and be like, I have a little drink me potion, you know what I mean? I don't want to hear that. You don't need that.

I don't want to hear that. You don't need that as a blossoming young boy. I hear that. I put down the controller. I go to my room and I stuff my ears with anything I can find. Just go for a long walk. Just go for a long walk. Okay, so Alice in Wonderland potentially traumatizing.

Yes. So not great. No. What about bullies? No, see, she's kind of bad with bullies. Like the Red Queen, she really struggles with for a while. Yeah, that's true. Bullies aren't usually threatened to cut off your head so look I'll give her a bit of an easy

pass on that one but yeah still she's really spooked by everything yeah that's true she's spooked she's nervous and she's too chilled you'd be like stepdad can you come help me with the bullies she'd be like yeah whatever just drink this mushroom plus her friends are assholes.

Who? You got the mad hatter. Oh, yeah. Those dickheads are coming around. Cheshire Cat's like, I'm invisible. I'm like, I'm in the shower. Imagine you wipe away some of the condensation. It's just the big grin.

You're like... Someone should call child services. Mom! Mom! The cat's grinning at me again. So, I'm going to say Alice is probably the worst one so far. Tweedledee and Tweedledum, either side of you, are you trying to watch something jostling you, talking shit?

No thank you. No thank you. No thank you. What else have we got? Is that all of our categories for Alice? I reckon so, yeah. I reckon she's probably the worst. So far? Yeah, seven.

It's amazing how many have been worse than a lion. Like, that's truly phenomenal. I'm not going to lie. I did miss Step Lion Dad. Do you want to do one more? Because I know that we're reaching at this point for them. Does anyone have any suggestions for Disney princesses that would either be...

Mulan! Mulan! Everybody wants Mulan. Hang on, Mulan already... Princess Leia! Princess Leia, she's a Disney princess. No, she's not. Mulan!

Actually, by the rules that you said at the beginning of this, I was paying attention because I knew that was going to happen. That technically falls within the rules. Just a Disney movie princess. That's all you said. Mulan, though, would be alright because she's already had practice at being a man. I'm sorry, but Mulan is a better choice.

Mulan, if we're for some reason, it's been weird that you're calling yourself my stepdad when you're not. You're clearly a stepmom. They could dress up like a man for us. Help the transition. Make it more comfortable for us.

And was in charge of an army, so discipline's going to be mad. That's true. Real clever. Super clever. Go work's going to be real good. History especially, very good at it. Absolutely.

Has a pet dragon, doesn't fit into a category. No, fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. Very fun. Doesn't fit into a category. No, fun. Fun. Fun. Very fun. And a horse. So that's alright.

You loved that horse. I love that horse. Fuck love a good horse. It also comes with a horse. Hey, yeah, true. Oh, wait. That's a 1.5 horse multiplier. We established that. Mulan's going to get like a 40 out of 30.

She fought the Mongols. That's cool. Killing with the bullies. Mongols are bullies. Yeah. Yeah, that's a... Genghis Khan is like the proto-bully. Every bully can trace their lineage back to Genghis Khan. A bully like attacks us, we just light a fire.

Now all of China knows that you bullied me. Mulan Dad's great. And with the 1.5 horse multiplier, that's like a 45 out of 30. What about... You know what I'm going to ask? What are you going to ask, Jackson? Pleasuring mom.

I think she'd be a gentle lover. I can't think of any reason to say that she's bad in this category. That's all. Yeah. And I don't have a hunch. I'll say she'll just be like a flat like, right, she's alright. She's good at it. And also, birds in the beasel heart because unlike all of the other princesses, she has been around people her own age pretty much the whole time

because when she's in the army, sure, everyone thinks she's a fella, but they're still going to be talking. Plus she's seen wangs, so if I have my question from earlier. Stepdad, what is happening with my wang? She'll be like, oh, yeah, I saw that in the army. Go to a doctor. It has been so many years and so many questions. Finally somebody's given me an answer.

I hope it's not too late. I think Mulan is doing pretty great. 45 out of 30. And someone said Princess Leia. She isn't a princess in any of the... Oh wait, Rogue One. I was going to be like, well technically in Force Awakened she's a general not a princess.

But she's a princess in Rogue One.... Oh, wait. Rogue One. I was going to be like, well, technically in Force Awakened she's a general, not a princess, but she's a princess in Rogue One. Yeah. She'd be all right. She's busy. She's got other stuff to deal with. Yeah, she's pretty busy. Good at discipline, though. Good at discipline, bad at fun.

Yeah. She's got that whole war to fight. She is in space. That's like a seven times speed. I guess. Oh, wait. She's in jail seven times smooth flyer. Ah, yeah. Oh, wait, she's in jail for a lot, though. That's not fun. Her kingdom's been blown up.

She's going to be crashing on our couch a lot. Her dad's a dick. Yeah. Ah, he's dead, though. She's got a lot of very annoying family and family life. A very whiny brother. Yeah. Family dinners are just a nightmare of social awkwardness.

And look me in the eye and tell me that Han Solo is not going to come like drunkenly at 3 a.m. just smack the door. There. There. Let me in. I got my dog here. Hey, Chewie, do something. I'm going to do it with like a drunken Chewbacca.

You're going to have that like, on the window, and you're going to be like, oh no. Kid, let me in. We are going to be sitting on the couch, awkwardly playing Super Nintendo, when Chewbacca sits down next to us, while we hear yelling in the background.

Exactly. And then we're going to have to give a controller to Chewie and we're going to have to let him win. Dip my arms in. Thank you. And much like a Wookiee, I hate losing. So it'll be like a competition of whose arms get torn off, really. I'm like, I know I'm meant to let you win, but... You say it's a competition of whose arms are going to get torn off, really. I'm like, I know I'm meant to let you win, but...

You say it's a competition of who arms are going to get torn off, but like, do you really think you could take a win? Depends how badly he beat me. Maybe. Yeah. I'm going to give her a flat 30 out of 30.

I don't know how she'd be that pleasure in mom. Which, why? Whoa. For anyone who didn't hear that, someone yelled out space gadgets. I really like how nebulous and mysterious that is.

Space STDs from also the darkness that is the crowd. I just don't want like a lightsaber power build-o around the house. I feel like the Jedi would be dangerous. There's absolutely no way that is invented in Star Wars. What's the crystals you use to make...

Aren't those kyber crystals really important? I'm just taking some fruit. Don't worry about it. I have a business idea. To give her full credit, I think she's high in homework from the future or the past wait a minute

a long time ago but maths is still the same she can't teach us history but the others could if that's the only downside that's good I still think Mulan's the only downside, that's good. I still think Mulan's the better one. I think Mulan is awesome.

I mean, like, 45 is still higher than 30. So there was no disagreement there, boys. Mulan finally makes me forget Nala. One day you're just going to be like, Dad, we like Mulan that much, we're just calling her Dad. Dad, I'm so glad you're not a lion. And she'll be like, what? She'll be like, no, I am a lion.

Or an ape. Or a jigglypuff. Or just a young boy with a baseball bat. I hope Mulan is the one mum settles. I'm just glad you're not a Yoshi. You're not an Italian plumber or his weird brother or his very distant

very scary wario mate. I think they might have been cousins. I don't know. None of it was ever clear. Mum. He taught me how to smoke though and that was alright. Dad, please don't leave again. That's beautiful.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Adam. I've been Jackson. And that was which Disney princess would make the best stepdad? Mulan. Mulan. That's not my one. Mulan. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar,

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