Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fairytale Would You Ruin With Your Own Incompetence? (Ft. Sonia Di Iorio)

Episode Date: March 24, 2019

Where are joined by good friends Sonia Di Iorio and Cass Paige to ask the hard hitting question like Which Fairytale Would You Ruin With Your Own Incompetence?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANS PANTS RADIO, COME IN THE EYE OF GOD Nick Mason, and Stu Dorman. Then, the week after on the 6th, Zoe Bellotta and Joel Dusha will be joined by the wonderful Ben Russell and Rosie Vanell. Week 3 and the 13th, Adam Cannavale and Zoe Bellotta will be joined by the evanescent Josh Earle and Danielle Walker. And finally, on the 4th week on the 20th,

Adam Cannavale and Cass Page will be joined by the irascible Tom Walker and Demi Lardner to bring the run to a triumer and demi lardner to bring the run to a triumphant close if you want to see any and all of these shows then head to the melbourne international comedy festival website or our own website sanspantsradio.com forward slash live and grab your tickets today hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star well we ask the important questions, which fairy tale would you ruin with your own incompetence?

I choose, because I'm assuming it'll probably be brief, I choose The Boy Who Cried Wolf for one reason and one reason alone, is that when a wolf does eat a baby or whatever, I'm just like, what are the odds? I feel no remorse. I'm just as impressed as everyone else that the thing that I've been lying about for weeks came true. You suddenly think you have powers. I'm like, oh, a wolf's going to eat a baby, and everyone gets powers. I'm like, oh, Wolf's gonna eat a baby

and everyone gets hurt. I'm like, nah, I was just fucking with you. You're like, oh, isn't it cool how I'm kind of like Nostradamus? Yeah, I'm a bit psychic now, I reckon. What else do you guys want your fortunes called? Jackson, a baby is dead. Yeah, but that's what I kept saying

was gonna happen and then it happened. Boy, a cried wolf is simply just like, a wolf's gonna eat a baby i don't think it's a baby because i don't i don't think that is true doesn't the wolf eat the boy no oh no the wolf does eat the boy oh no in the end yeah because he's like helper wolf's coming and then everyone gets there they're like oh jack Jackson got you good, dickheads. Oh, maybe he was just like having visions. He knew it was going to happen to him.

He was psychic. I am psychic. Or hallucinating. Well, I guess at the very end, when the wolf is eating me, I'm still like, what are the odds as the wolf eats me from the legs up to there? That's not ruining the boy. That's going through the steps of the boy who

cried wolf. Neither did the boy who cried wolf. The lesson isn't for him, Jack. The lesson's for us. Yeah, so it sounds like you'd be good at it. Because the story would... Damn it. The story would work. Yeah, the story would work. This came down to me

misremembering the boy who cried wolf and not thinking about it for a second. Because surely, you're right, if The Boy Who Cried Wolf was like, hey, everyone, a wolf's eating a baby, they're like, no, it's... What? You're out in the field. There's no babies there. The only reason you'd ever ruin The Boy Who Cried Wolf is because you, A, wouldn't claim the wolf was coming to eat a sheep

because you wouldn't care enough. You'd be just like, whatever. And then when a wolf come, you wouldn't even say that anyway. You'd be like, ah, wolf's eating them sheep. Oh, no. I don't want to get involved. Well, yeah, if you were really going to fuck up the fairy tale, it would just be you going, I didn't see anything.

I didn't see nothing. Stop talking to me. Jackson Bailey, not a snitch. No wolf snitch. A secretly fist bumper wolf from underneath sheep's wool. Like, I saw nothing. It's hard to imagine me with, like, the flock of sheep and I just see a wolf in the woods and I'm like,

all right, keeping that to myself. Anything interesting happening in the herd today, Jackson? No. It's pretty quiet. Sheep keep going missing, so you get, like, a supervisor and it's like, Jackson, has that wolf been grey sheep? It's just a grey sheep amongst the wolves. I don't know.

I mean, I mean, wolf. Grey sheep amongst the other sheep. Fuck. Discolored sheep. I feel like the moral of the story that they tell children, they tell it to children, is don't lie. Is that it? Yeah. Yeah. So are Is that it? Yeah. Yeah.

So are you a liar? Yes. Yes. So, yeah, because I don't know if you would cry wolf. Hang on, how does it help you? I'm just trying to think of very selfish reasons. Yes. If you cry wolf while there's a bunch of sheep.

I get attention. Then you get attention. And you love attention. Yeah. Do you also get out of a day's hard work? Yes, absolutely. It's very funny if I'm doing it the moment, like they send me out to tend the sheep,

and then like 10 minutes later I'm back in the village and I'm like, there was a wolf. That's also funny because I've just left the sheep on a tender day. Do you know what? Do you know how you'd ruin it? Yeah. You would do that every day. You'd come back, sorry, there was a wolf.

I couldn't go out. They're like, Jackson, you go out on the last day when the wolf does come, but you return too early. You're preemptively back sorry there was a wolf i couldn't go out they're like jackson you go out on the last day when the wolf does come but you you return too early you're free i do like there was a wolf they're like oh my god there's so many wolves like there was this time no no you don't find out till you go back and the sheep are gone you're like oh my god there was a wolf whoa guys and then i'm impressed i was lying all the other times. This time it's real. But everyone's just sad because our flock of sheep have been slaughtered. But I'm excited because what a coincidence. I still think even if the sheep ain't here.

What a coincidence, huh? A big wolf, a predator of probably said sheep, just suddenly came once out of how many times you've been saying it? Yeah, wow. Fucking fortune teller over here. I'm so happy i'm still confused as to whether you're fucking it up or doing the story justice surviving which is maybe doing it better than the side said no see i'm imagining that when i come

back and i'm like oh my god the sheep were slaughtered what are the odds i was lying all those other times they hang me okay but as they put the noose around my neck i'm like seriously though like i get it hang away but like wow they hang you because you're a liar and lying is bad which is the moral of the story so you've successfully completed the fairy tale i gotta avoid this lesson somehow how do i not learn the moral? I just run away. Avoid the fairy tale in its entirety. Go live in the woods. So I guess the objective here is,

how do you refuse this lesson? Yeah. I don't want to learn the lesson, don't lie. Convince them that wolves are rad? Oh, wait, no, this is easy. I just figured it out. No, no, no. Every day I go to work at the field,

I see the sheep. I'm like, screw this. I go back to the village. I'm like, there was a wolf. I ain't doing it. Everyone's like, that's not how it works, but okay. That happens. Eventually the wolf eats all the sheep. Oh, no, I'm still hanged.

But I'm out of a day's work. I was thinking then I don't have to work ever again. That's not the job. That's not the moral. But maybe if you never admit to lying before, you come back and you say the wolf ate all the sheep, no one believed you, the moral is you need to believe Jackson.

Ah, that's true. Maybe I hang it on the villagers. You're going to lie every day. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Well, I feel like I could pretty easily turn it around and make it the villagers' fault. I feel like I would be really bad at this fairy tale

because I don't think I have the capacity to do any farm work. That's a good point as well. Yeah, you're right. I'm the same. I'm just going to be incompetent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, maybe that's how you fuck it up. I just get fired day one.

You're supposed to go to a field, but you just go into a supermarket. Grab some lamb. Yeah, that's where it lives, right? What is a shepherd's crook for? A hook and sheep, I guess. You know that

old-timey vaudevillian act where a big hook comes out on stage and grabs someone? That, but for sheep. That can't be right. What,

if the sheep are doing like a really bad act? Yeah, yeah. I'm really embarrassed for you. You can't sing. Just bang.

Call that dancing. Alright, so you made a bold claim. You made a sing. Just bang. Call that dancing. So you made a bold claim. You made a bold claim that said you would turn this around on the villagers. So let's just... The three of us here are villagers. Every day for the past week, you've come and been like, there's a wolf there. We've all come with our big pitchforks

and guns to try and gun down that wolf. No wolf. Oh, it ran away, I guess. And then suddenly you're like, oh, there was a... We come again and there was that wolf. No wolf. Oh, it ran away, I guess. And then suddenly you're like, oh, there was a... We come again and there was a wolf and it hasn't eaten you for some reason. It's eaten all the sheep.

Go on. Convince us how this is not your fault. Imagine if you'd fired me earlier. Then you'd had a more competent shepherd with the sheep. This wouldn't have happened. I'm loading up my gun. This is on you guys. You knew I was incompetent.

Do you know how many sheep's necks I broke with this crook? I'm assuming you applied for this job, so you lied on the resume. That's how you got the job. Yeah, well, I regret it now. I think the only thing we can safely do is hang, but by shepherd's crook. Yeah, I think we need to hang this boy to teach him a lesson that lying is bad. No! I can't avoid this lesson!

It's his house! Jackson Bailey's Hell is Fairy Tales where he accidentally learns every lesson. Nothing I can do to avoid it. Well... And dies. That's such a shame. R.I.P. I thought I'd have gotten through this without learning the lesson. Boy cries wolf. A success. Damn it! R.I.P. I thought I'd have gotten through this without any license.

Boy cries wolf a success. Damn it. Yeah. Well, that's not what I want. Hey, look, at least I'm baffled now. But, like, I've never thought about a shepherd's crook before. But now that's going to consume me. Oh, yeah.

I have no idea what that is used for. Why would you hook it around the neck? I didn't even know what it was called. Shepherd's crook. I think it's a crook. Tripping up sheep, playing a good practical gag on them. Like, whoop, yeah. Do you hook that?

Because it looks like it's the size for a neck, but surely hooking the bodies would be better. But why is it often decorated with a bow and a bell? Yeah, what? Is it just like a walking stick? But decorative. Why? Yeah, it's trying to disguise the fact that it's going to grab the sheep.

The sheep are like, oh. That's nice. Gotcha. Is it for lambs? Oh, no. Don't say that. No, it's like a lamb. What?

I'm thinking of people grabbing lambs. It's like falling down in like a crevasse and you're like, look, look, look at him. Your lambs are very cute. I love that their tails wag. Lambs are good. Right. So I reckon I'd ruin Little Red Riding Hood.

Okay. Simply off the bat where Mama is like, hey, you got to go see your grandma. I'm going to be like, no. I'm just not. That's great. No, Mom. Grandma sucks.

Okay. Playing Super Nintendo. But son, Little Red Son. Yes. I have lovingly baked these things that grandma needs. They've got her grandma medicines in them. Oh, of course, you're right. You have to deliver them to grandma.

I will, I say as I lie, and take them. Eat them yourself. Yes. And high off Nan's supply. That's where I am. You know where the house stops and the forest begins? And there's maybe that one tree on the outskirts? Behind that tree, scuffing down them scones.

So you pretend that you've gone to Grandma's house. Yes. While she's getting eaten by a wolf. Yes. But actually, Grandma probably wouldn't get eaten by a wolf. Because the only reason the wolf knows Grandma's there is when she meets it. And you're like, oh, I'm bringing them to Granny and the wolf's like, there's a Granny in the picture?

So you would be protecting your Granny and the wolf would probably find you and eat you. Do you know what that means? Yeah, the wolf would be attracted by all the nice things but that means Granny dies of hunger and it's your fault. Or Granny dies of a heart attack because apparently we were delivering medicine.

But then how would anyone ever know? She'd be dead for weeks until someone found out. Because I'd lie and be like, yes, she's doing great, but she wasn't. You couldn't lie because you'd be dead. Eaten by the wolf. Everyone dies in this story. You've killed everyone.

Eaten by the wolf or poisoned by grandma's medicine. Which you just scarfed down. You don't know what it is. Is it okay to eat arthritis medicine if you don't have arthritis? Yeah, I feel like it would be. Surely it's bad. I hope so. Surely it's good.

Like extra vitamins? It makes my body stronger. Extra bones. See? Extra bones. Yes. Five extra bones it gives you Five extra bones randomly placed

within your body See, it's so bony Yeah, and then Wolf's gonna try and eat me and then he's gonna be like, ah, an extra bone and choke and die Also, herein lies the rub So, if you remember the fairy tale the woodsman just sort of

turns up So the woodsman just sort of turns up. So the woodsman is visiting Granny anyway. So the woodsman visits Granny, finds Granny dead from that. He's like, where is Little Red Riding Hood? Where's your grandson? Isn't your grandson meant to come and visit you? And Granny's like, ahhh! And dies of

a heart attack. And then Mom finds out and you're in big trouble. In such trouble. Oh, your corpse is in trouble again the wolf is in all right that wolf ate me i could fend off a wolf yeah wait it's a big wolf ain't it is the wolf ever interested in eating little red riding hood's presents for granny i think or is that something i've added nah just likes humans just likes the taste of mortal flesh isn't it like oh what, what have you got in your thing? And then she's like, I'm bringing it to grandma.

I think you're right. It's like, ooh, a snack. Oh, ultimate snack. Wait, apparently all I'm really doing is delivering wine and cake to my grandma. There's no meds here. I'm fine and a drunk child. No, grandma's an alcoholic. Her frail body can't deal with withdrawals.

Granny's got the shakes because of you. She's not supposed to have meds with alcohol. So, look, the big bad wants to eat me and all the food. Yeah. Okay, okay. Does Granny survive in the original? Yeah. Or does she die?

The woodsman cuts open the wolf and grandma falls out unscathed. That's true. Oh, that's not. That's not medically accurate. And then doesn't the woodsman, or is this from, because there's so many versions of the fairy tale, but does the woodsman then put bricks in the wolf's guts and sew the wolf back up? And then huck it into an ocean?

Yes. Yes. I thought that's what happened. Yes, that's what happens in this child's fairy tale. That is overkill. I'm genuinely fairly sure they fill the wolf with rocks. I don't know if they throw him in the ocean. Maybe in a lake?

They throw him somewhere. Meet the wolf. I actually didn't know they throw him anywhere. In my memory of this fairy tale, the wolf just wakes up and is like, oh, no. Bad indigestion. So, okay, reading a little bit bill what the big bad wolf does about he wants to eat red riding hood so he stalks her and then he's just like where you off to and she says i'm gonna granny so he's like go pick

some flowers and then he has his whole ruse yeah to try and eat the granny and the red riding hood which to me seems a bit overkill like i, I'm just a boy in this scenario. Eat me there, dickhead. I also feel like if the wolf was like, yeah, I'll meet you at granny's, you're like, fuck that, and you're just going over. And I feel like he's a really dumb boy, too, because when the wolf puts granny's clothes on and the boy obviously never fucking visits his granny,

you're like, yeah, this is my grandma. She looks a little different. Has not shaved in a while. Was grandma always a wolf woman? Yeah, I guess so. Oh my god, you're going to notice my big teeth? Yeah, you're looking great. Good dentures, Nan.

Let's do it. You've got to be like, oh, what big eyes you have, granny? No, I'm on my phone. All the better to look. What are you playing? All the better to see you. You take a photo of your grandma posted on Twitter and say, pray for my grandma, y'all.

She's not sick, but she's just super ugly. One like equals one prayer for my grandma. Socially shame the big bad wolf so much that the big bad wolf just leaves the cabin yeah see anytime maybe the wolf's gonna be like hey where you going and I'm gonna be like ah talking wolf ah

I'm gonna huck a wine bottle at a wolf maybe I'm bludgeoning that wolf blast the wolf well what's the moral of Little Red Riding Hood? Is it becoming a woman? No, I don't know. Visit your grandma?

Isn't it just don't trust strangers? Yeah. That makes sense. You kind of learn. Immediately. Don't trust strangers who are also wolves. Like, where are you going? Fuck off, dickhead.

Fuck off. Stranger danger. Throw the wine bottle and leg it in the other direction. Go pick some flowers. No. No. Ah. Well, you learned the lesson, too. Gotcha.

Ah. Damn it. It's hard not to learn lessons in fairy tales. I mean, if you just don't leave. What? If you just sit. but even if you sit, you've got to be there. Like, how long does Mama expect you

to be gone visiting Grandma? Yeah. Right? Like, if you're going to go and hide behind a tree, you might be there for a week. Knowing my mom's right. Right, come on. We're going to Grandma.

Then we're both going to Grandma. And then you meet the wolf and your mom's like, that's a stranger. Don't talk to her, John. And I'm like, I had a lesson. Lesson learned. Mum saves the day. The only way you could not learn the lesson

is if you speed ran it. Just legged it through the forest at a million miles an hour. No, wait. What if I trust the wolf? What if I'm like, you're great. I want to give you pats. And I befriend the wolf. Feed the wolf all of Nanny's treats.

Ah, but it'll eat me. Yeah. Everyone else willfriend the wolf. Feed the wolf all of Nanny's treats. Ah, believe me. Yeah. Everyone else will learn the lesson. I don't know why it's so hard to avoid the lessons in these fairy tales. I think the thing that's hard to avoid is the wolves. That's what's fucking us up. That's a great point. You can kind of skirt around the lessons, but...

Yeah. Lessons don't have teeth. Do you reckon you could just avoid the forest in its entirety? I avoided the forest. Then you get to Granny's. Don't go into a forest. Then the woodsmen arrive. No, Granny dies because the forest is presumably massive and you have to go around it, which is not the lesson,

but still feels like a failure. So if I arrive there and I avoid the wolf, and the woodsman comes... That woodsman just seems like a maniac. He's ready to kill us. The woodsman might be like, gotta cut open this old woman! And you're like, it was just pure chance

that it was a wolf the first time. There's an old woman in this old woman. Turns out it was just guts. Well, it was old woman in this old woman. Turns out it was just guts. Well, it was. It was old woman guts, I guess. Yeah, look, it's hard to not learn this lesson of don't trust a stranger. Looks like you just survived and succeeded in the fairy tale. I'm sorry.

Fine. I guess I did. That's two losses but wins. What about any of you guys? Well, I think that I would fuck up Cinderella. Okay. Because I would 100% not go home at midnight. Like if I'm out, I'm fucking staying out.

Like I got shit on the next day. I've just. The moment you turn back into your old like ratty clothes, like whatever, everybody's drunk at that point. Yeah, it's midnight. Yeah, it's midnight. It's not like the prince is going to be like, whoa. Taking my shoes off.

I don't give a shit. Yeah. Everybody kick your shoes off at probably like 10.30. Maybe like at midnight. Whatever, I found a peasant sack. Let's keep the boat going. Everybody dress like a peasant. But I guess if I'm dressed like a peasant,

is the whole thing that he doesn't know I'm a peasant? Yeah. He still likes me, so I turn back into a peasant at midnight, and he doesn't like me anymore. Yeah, but he does still like you, though. He does. Oh, because he goes and... He has time to mull, though. I think as an alternative, because in the fairy tale,

she leaves him wanting more at midnight. She's like, oh, my goodness, I must be off, and leaves. And he's like, my goodness I must be off and leaves and he's like what I loved her and then eventually it consumes him and he puts a shoe on every lady yeah that's true also I can't wear heels let alone

glass ones it's so great to imagine you know that like the running down the steps of the palace but you just trip fall completely down smash the glass get to the top of the palace but you just trip all completely down smash the glass yeah yeah get to the top of the stairs no you need to run just kick him off doing that wobble you do when you're wearing heels and like oh my ankles oh there they go yeah it might just be very easy to catch up with you it's very funny to cut that fairy tale short yeah yeah yeah yeah we just stay

out and he the mystery's. He's just like, where is that woman? Oh, there she is. She's still here. Everyone else has gone home. She's throwing up. Alright. She's covered in mice. Ew. Because the moral of the story is

don't judge a book by its cover, yeah? Is it? That's the story of Cinderella? What is the moral of that story? I don't know. Because Cinderella is kind of like, it's like she's great. People shit on her. The prince finds out she's great. No, isn't it just like she's like a poor and then she becomes a rich. And then the prince is like, ooh, a rich. Because she's one of the sisters, yeah?

And they just treat her as like a servant. And then the more beautiful sisters. They kind of have a good life yeah and they are like potential suitors for the prince yeah because like it's like isn't her dad wasn't her dad the king and then her dad was a wealthy person and then he married the king because the prince would be our brother that's a great point he's a wealthy interesting an interesting fairy tale now because her dad is a wealthy lord

say he marries her evil step mom then the dad dies so they've still got wealth it's just that Cinderella dresses bad is it her step sisters

yes so it's her step sisters that are all hoity toity they're cool and they treat her as a like kind of slave

but in the end the prince goes for the servant girl. So maybe it's inner beauty. Yeah. As long as you are a kind person and you're always good of spirit, you will become rich. You learnt the lesson anyway. And scrubbing a floor.

Oh, yeah. Maybe the moral is don't trust new money. A very quick google is like the moral of cinderella is is that people should always fight for what they want with a good heart and hard work what i don't get that from that fairy tale at all hard work yeah i'd fuck that up but if the lesson is that like if you're a good person it like it doesn't matter what you look like or whatever if you're a good person people like you then you learn the lesson is that if you're a good person, it doesn't matter what you look like or whatever, if you're a good person, people like you, then you learnt the lesson.

It just happens quicker. Wait, it doesn't matter what you look like? Well, because Cinderella's got a sack on most of the time. She's wearing a potato sack and then further potato sacks for shoes. Because to get in, you've got to be at a certain level. So she gets in and the prince realizes that he doesn't just want

a pretty face. Wow. Okay. Didn't know you were going to come on the podcast and just get insulted. No, no. I'm sorry. I'm thinking of Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney. I started reciting the lyrics and then bailed because I got embarrassed and I made it worse by stopping that's great but like it just means that you turn back into

you know cinderella in a potato sack and the prince is like well i like you anyway so he's like i already fell in love with you but the but money gets you in the door yeah so he sees cinderella and like he's struck by like how wonderful she is he like I think he like beelines for her anyway like she's gorgeous and he's not he's not about a dress or whatever I'm relating to this a lot so far is your fairy godmother mad like I would be if I was your fairy godmother

and I'm like at midnight you gotta go home and then midnight rolls around and I'm standing by the pumpkin tapping my watch yeah yeah why midnight i think it's too early i'd be like if i was a fairy godmother i'd be like yeah i know money gets you in the door you got it baby it's great to imagine you're like okay you know make me a dress i'm like what about just cold hard cash it's 5k you You're good. Yeah. But it's... But I don't know why she had to turn back at midnight. Yeah, that's a weird limitation.

I can't limit that part of the story. Yeah. Unlimited by magic. Yeah, but, like, what a weird limitation. She's a fairy godmother. Yeah. Why is that the limitation? Well, think of everything she did.

She turned mice into people. That's true. She turned lizards into people. Lizards? Mice into people? I thought she turned mice into horses Lizards? Mice into people? I thought she turned mice into horses. Mice into horses? People into lizards?

There were lizard people around. Cinderella, you know, forked tongues, scales. If you think about it. Had wings, flew. You know, Cinderella. Had to stab her in the heart so the king would die. Cinderella. You know the one?

Come on. The fairy godmother has to pretty much pull a genie from Aladdin. So this is a very exclusive boy where only royalties are allowed. So she has to build Cinderella up. So it's obscene the amount of money she has so that no one questions. I imagine she has securities. She's like pumpkin into a carriage. Mice into like six horses.

Lizards into the riders who ride the horses. Rags into dresses. Yeah. I think I'm getting the moral now. It's like when you first meet someone, lie about who you truly are. How's that? That's how you get your foot in the door.

That's how you get your mans. Exactly. Get your foot in the door. I feel like I'd be bargaining with a fairy godmother. I'd be like, hey, can I go out at, like, 10 instead and stay out till, like, 2? Is it a limited time? Does it have to be 7 to 12?

Like, the party doesn't get good until, like, 11, you know? That's a great point. Before we carry on, here's a quick word from our sponsors uh let me just remind everyone listening as well that this saturday i'm going to be hosting big deal a nightmare game show at the coop is in and if you want to see that shit you better head to our website sanspantsradio.com forward slash live and grab your tickets now also if you want to bear witness to something truly great then head to audiobooksontape.com and grab yourself a USB cassette of BigSuffTD.png's very first year as a podcast.

Once again, that's audiobooksontape.com. The party doesn't seem like it's... It's not wrapping up by the end of... Like in the original fairy tale. Yeah, it's just kicking off. Yeah, midnight hits. People are still going. Imagine all the fairy drugs and shit.

Oh, hell yes. The fairy godmother is, like, a bit old, though. So, like, you're trying to bargain with her, being like, I just think it'll be better from ten till two. And she's like, a lady would not do that. And you're like, oh, my God, you're so old. Fairy godmother, oh, my God. It's not like that anymore, please.

I feel like you can do some bargaining as well where you're like can we just walk and don't turn the pumpkin into a carriage and give me another two hours of this pretty dress or whatever yeah yeah everything you're like oh my god well then no one's gonna notice who cares i don't need six horses yeah exactly he just needs to see me i'll'll be stunning. It's true. And then, well, so, okay, so say things go as the fairy godmother plans. You know, you lose a slipper or two. They're not even slippers. They're high heels.

That's weird. Which I have done before. All right, we got a piece of it. Oh, yuck. I'm just having a flashback to, do you remember that terrible karaoke place, Charlton's? No, but I believe such a place exists but i believe so big and gross i've had both of my shoes off in that venue so i would be very true to the fairy tale in that sense it's great to imagine you losing your shoes the moment you get there although i don't know if at this

ball i would get tetanus like i did from child nice to uh's nice to reimagine the tale of Cinderella set at a karaoke bar. Yeah, and, like, the next day, no one came around with my fucking thongs trying to find me. It's also crazy, like, a problem with our fairy tale is that it's not like everybody has individual shoe sizes. Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah.

It fits me. It also fits me. Yeah, like, if he'd gone to another house That just happened to have someone with the same shoe size He'd be like, well, alright Although I feel like glass slippers Don't have a lot of budge in them That's true actually

And they're magically created for your feet So yeah, not fair In the original fairy tale The stepsisters hack off their heels and toes And so the slippersipper fills with blood that is insane it's glass you can see the blood i know that i would i would fail that fairy tale because if i was after the step sisters and they were like jackson i'd be like ew that glass slipper's full of blood wash it please go away prince also how does cinderella know that

the prince is there because she's at the back washing something Anyway what's so good about this prince character Yeah what if he sucks you don't know You meet him for like one night too Oh but to be fair on Cinderella Anything to get you out of there Oh that's true You're not marrying for love You're not marrying for love

You're gonna marry for freedom You wanna go back to old money Your papa raised you rich I'm still not sure if you learned the lesson For freedom. You want to go back to old money. Your papa raised you rich. I'm still not sure if you learned the lesson or not. I feel like you've learned a million wrong lessons from this. Stay out, have a good time. Stay out, have a good time.

Prince sees you become the poor again. Yeah, and maybe he'd be turned off. I don't know. Well, he wasn't turned off for the. He's not in the fairy tale. I think he might just, like, speed up the process. Yeah, okay. I think he'd get to the finish line pretty quickly. So the new lesson is efficiency.

Be quick about it. We're not here to fuck spiders. You arrive, you pull off your mask or whatever, you're like, I'm Cinderella. We're here to fuck princes. What is it? Chop, chop, not here for a haircut. Come. We're here to fuck princes. Chop, chop. Not here for a haircut. Come on.

Put a baby in me. Let's raise this. Married, dead, in the night. Although I would never, I don't want to have a baby. I feel like if you get married to a prince,

you have to have a baby. I feel like you kind of gotta. Yeah. You gotta lock it down. I would fuck this up. Secure yourself in that arm. It's rude if it's your heir And if that's something you're afraid of

And he comes with a glass slipper And you just grab it and smash it And you're like, we'll never know Oh wow, goodbye I like this prince He's like, I don't remember her face But her foot Her foot I recall in exquisity

Oh, the prince got a foot fetish I mean, maybe I mean, fair If I wore glass slippers out They would not survive of an exquisite detail. Oh, the Prince skirt is a foot fetish. I mean, maybe. I mean, fair. If I wore glass slippers out, they would not survive. Yeah, oh, no, absolutely. Like, my iPhone, I've got my iPhone here. It's all fucking cracked.

Also, and it's real gross to imagine, but, like, shoes are designed with breathability in mind, right? That's why we don't have metal shoes. You're going to have some sweaty, gross glass slippers at the end of that. And it's all going to be visible because they're made of glass. Have you seen the shoes that are out at the moment that are clear perspex? Yeah. Gross. They fog up.

Yeah, they do. They get like so clean fog. Steamy cleave. Imagining you're like the prince's attendant Like oh I need to find that woman I was dancing with Like oh yes What did she look like? Well she had five perfectly

You know manicured Pedicured nails Each was painted red Had the most wonderful arches And exquisite balls on her feet The prince's coming on the dance floor. Hair colour, sir? Mm-hmm.

Oh, she didn't have any hair on. No, yeah, perfectly hairless feet. Perfectly hairless, smooth, delicate feet, porcelain skin, really. It was quite exquisite, yes. Also, efficiency-wise, hated the way always in the fairy tale the prince did that. He's the prince. He could just be like, hey, royal edict, everybody come to the in the fairytale the prince did that. He's the prince. He could just be like, hey, royal edict, everybody come to the castle,

then I don't have to leave. Yeah. Instead he went from house to house. That's insane. Why not just get everyone gathered there and be like, oh, yeah, it was you. Yeah. He did it weirdly. Anyway.

Maybe because he wanted to, like, I don't know, the last time he saw her, she did run away, so he was like, oh, I've got to step up my game. Oh, that's true. What does Cinderella do to make her stand out for the prince? Oh, Gobby. Just blew him in the bathroom. All right. I mean, that makes you stand out.

And you just remember the feet, sir. And if not, there's another way I would fuck up this fairytale. Well, look, of the three of us so far, you've fucked up the worst and in multiple different ways. Or improving it. I'm not sure. Well done, I think. Yeah.

Cass? I think I'd make a real mess of Hansel and Gretel. Okay. I just like to eat. So, I don't know where exactly... So did Hansel. Yeah, and so did Gretel. But, well, because...

First of all, just eat your way out of the back of the house. The whole house is food. Yeah, absolutely. Eat your way out of the cage. Why not eat your way out of the cage? But I think that, and then I'm like, oh, what if I stayed? And I just kept eating. I would start to feel very terrible about myself, but I wouldn't leave.

Yeah. Well, that's not when you can get fattened up pretty quickly. So you're going to be eating quite fast. Yeah, I'll get fattened up real fast, and then I probably will have too high blood sugar and just be like have a bit of a carb fog going on so they'll be like let me feel your finger and i'll be like i don't want you to but i won't have the wherewithal to be like ah stick are you gonna be how are you gonna have a uh hansel and gretel with you or are you gonna

be like to the witch yes there, there are two of us. Feed us twice as much. No, okay. I figured it out. I stay for a few days snacking my snacks, doing my thing. Living your life, yeah. The witch is hard of vision. She can't see very well.

So I watch her as she goes to bed, gets up, make sure I'm spying on her. I know her routine. I mark it down and, God, hopefully I've brought a book. Otherwise, any book that's there, I will eat. I figure out when she's awake and when she's asleep. When she goes to bed, I eat my way out of her back, steal food and bring it back to my house. I go back in the morning.

Ah, clever. Slowly, over time, dismantle her house. Yes. But she doesn't realise that the back of her house is gone? She doesn't know what my finger is. That's true. Also, if it's just you and not Hansel, because in my memory of the fairy tale, Hansel, no, yeah, Hansel is worked to death and Gretel is fattened up, right? Oh.

So if it's just you, you could say you're both and then you get exercise and candy. And then every time she feels your finger, you're just still in great shape oh that's good beta system do they die in the end both die in in the one i've read i'm sure there are lots of ones eventually she's like let me feel your finger hansel puts out a stick and she's like ah it's it's not you're not fat enough but it's been so long i'm gonna eat you Pulls them out And then I think Hansel shoves her into the oven Or a pot of boiling water Oh yes that's right

Hey that So I was gonna Just ask Is the oven made of candy? Well that's I assume no See I would be hesitant To do that to her

Because I don't want It's mean Human steam On my gingerbread house Yeah That's true. But again, the moral of the story, I'm guessing,

is also to not trust a stranger. And now that you've already been caught by her. Yeah, I was in a forest first. Damn it. You've sort of learnt the lesson. Do you even survive that far in the forest? Cass, I love you to death, but you get lost like that. I went the wrong way to gym today.

I've been going for a month. Nearly two months I went the wrong way. It's just great that fairy tale where you're like, once upon a time there was a family and they had a daughter they hated. That's how Hansel and Gretel started. They took her to the forest and they dropped her off and then slowly in about a week she died. Would you be smart enough

to throw breadcrumbs or little pebbles or whatever to make your way back home? I know I would eat the bread because I would be like I'm in the woods. I don't know what I can

and can't eat. This is the only food I got. Eat that bread. Die. Which is actually fine because if you recall in Hansel and Gretel crows eat the bread.

So... Yeah. Nil, nil. Yeah. I'd eat the bread because So, nil, nil. I'd eat the bread because you're about to have a lot of candy, so you need that balance, you know? That's true. I'll steal a witch's wine.

I've got a carb load. The first time they throw pebbles and the dad's like, the shit kids made their way back. So, I forgot the first part of the story. They hate their children. So, there's two children that they either can't afford and they're too much of a coward to put the kids out of the misery with a sharp axe to the head. Isn't it like they're having a baby and they're like,

oh, well, we can't have three kids. Another one. But one would be easy. We fucked up with these two dullards. Let's do a redo. It is weird. How does that fairy tale work? Maybe it's about, like, sustainability.

Yeah. It's like... How many of you got to throw your kids out to make your house work? Three children is too many. We're overpopulated. Don't they disobey the parents? Oh, maybe they're bad kids. And they're like, you are shit kids.

How bad can they be? How bad can you be that you abandon your kids in the woods? All right, so clearly the parents are suffering from're like, you are shit. How bad can they be? How bad can you be that you abandoned your kids in the woods? All right, so clearly the parents are suffering from, like, postnatal depression, but after, like, the kids are 8 and 10. It's a law. It's light. It's law. It's a payment law.

Look, there's no time limit to the post part in postnatal depression. There isn't, and they live in the old times. They didn't have the resources to help. Exactly. So they throw them in the woods. But see, from my memory in the fairy tale, the mum doesn't want it to happen. The dad's just like, chuck the kids away.

And he puts them in the forest. So really, it'd be you and your brother, yeah? Yeah. Oh, no, Hayden. Oh, no. So what would you and Hayden do to piss off your, like, folks enough when you were kids to, like, right, into the forest, none of this. Because I think the only thing that would make me get sent

into the forest by my parents is if I killed Ryder, my brother. If I killed Ryder with a rock, maybe they would put me in the forest. Only with a rock, though. Yeah, anything else. If it's a rock, you're like, that's a crime of passion. You don't plan a rock murder. Gosh, maybe I've failed this fairy tale at the start. Just breaking rules makes me sick.

That's a good point. That might be a good way to break, you know, to fail that fairy tale because, you know, you have trusted your parents. Like, yeah. You're a good girl. I'm too nice. I don't get rewarded with a sick candy house. Well, the moral is don't disobey.

One of them is don't disobey your parents. And you're not. So you're already there. You learned the lesson immediately. Damn it. Okay. Let's say. Well, let's go with the option where the parents want to get rid of you.

You didn't disobey them. They just want to put you in the forest. Yes. Yeah. I get lost in the forest. I've died. Okay. Let's say i make it to that okay well you got your brother with yeah do you think hayden would have the wherewithal to drop

bread or whatever oh yeah no he's real clever okay all right he's so good at duration another problem with this is it's all about greed yeah and the reason why i guess hansel and gretel go into the to into the candy house or the gingerbread house is because, you know, they're hungry and they want more and they keep eating it because they're greedy. No. Do you have self-control?

Oh, that's a loaded question. With candy. I would actually argue instead that Hansel and Gretel have been abandoned multiple times by their parents and have been thrown into the woods, which are full of danger, and they're suddenly ageing quite a lot. Trauma does tend to mature you a lot faster. They've gone through a lot of trauma and they're now like, I don't know, 12 mentally.

And then they see a candy house and they are reminded of the simple pleasures that awaited them back. It was a stepmother, evil stepmother, who was like, you've got to get rid of these shit kids because they're taking food out of my mouth. Stepmother greedy. Is there some reason that people generally don't get along with their step-parents just because of all these fucked up fairy tales?

I think you're right. It's like, fuck you, stepdad. Yeah, I don't know. If trends in pornography would lead me to believe that I think we're getting on too well with our step-parents and or siblings. It's sad that there's no middle ground. It's either like death or incest.

Man, this Hansel and Gretel is taking a turn. Yeah, but it's weird you never get like an evil stepdad in any of them it's always an evil stepmom and the dad's always dead that happens in like so many fairy tales cinderella sleeping beauty snow white presumably others isn't it no oh you're right it's the wicked witch she's a witch she doesn't get invited to the party so she curses the baby she's a fucking awesome petty bitch she rashes the party's like fine your baby's cursed now you could have invited me we could have had a nice time fuck you this is what you chose

because aren't they it's like all the other Little you know Side thing But Because all the other fairies Are like We'll make her beautiful We'll make her Incredibly charming We'll make her

Like really Intelligent or whatever And then yeah She comes in And she's like And If she pricks her Finger

Everyone goes to sleep For a million years See ya That's great Later What a champion I love that there is that You have made me realise That the fairy godmother And with things like The like sleeping beauty And stuff See y'all. That's great. Later. What a champion. I love that there is that.

You have made me realize that the fairy godmother and with things like the, like sleeping beauty and stuff, there are such limitations to how far you can push magic. Yeah. So there always has to be, it's like the more classical versions of witches where they have to keep balance within nature. So like you set up a curse, but there has to be a way to break it.

Absolutely. Same with Rumpelstiltskin. Yeah. He's like, all right, this is the deal. But just fair warning, if you can figure out my name, it's bunk. We'll get with it. He's never like, I could just not mention that part of the thing.

Would it be a big deal? It's a contract. He's also an idiot for singing the Rumpelstiltskin song. That's a great song to imagine if you're there being like, Joel, Joel, Joel, I am great. My name is Joel. My name is Jackson. If that lady knows that my name is Jackson, the spell deal we made doesn't work.

What a great song I've written. Maybe he's sad because you know how when you make friends with someone and they say your name, they're just like, Jackson, what are you doing? Like they say your name to you, which just feels really nice. So maybe because he's got all these deals going around, he can never say it. So he just has to they say your name to you it just feels really nice so maybe because he's got all these deals going around he can never say it so he just has to sing his own name to himself so he can feel something again wow that's a that's why he wanted a baby he's so lonely it's weird that robin stillskin just wants to be a dad yeah that's that's the the whole point of

his deal all right so cash let me just paint you a picture So it's you and your brother You're in the woods, you're hungry Because your cunt stepmother is like, fuck off And you've been abandoned And you're there, and a kindly old woman Is there to be like, oh yes Come into my house, there is lots of food

To eat, candy and anything you would like Please come in Do you accept her offer? I would side-eyes at Hayden. My brother is tall and strong, and so if he seemed confident, I'd trust him. I think what I would be thinking in that situation is that I can take a grandma in a fight, right?

Exactly, because it's like, oh, then it's accepting food from a stranger. Yeah, but the stranger's a grandma. It's pretty trusting. Grandmas are safe. She's got soft energy. Yeah, but the stranger's a grandma. Yeah. It's pretty trusting. Grandmas are safe. She's got soft energy. Yeah, she does have soft energy. Okay, so.

She's a carny grandma. She's like, come in, we'll have some food. I like to think, I'm like, I wouldn't do it. I once, while I was overseas, got into a car with a guy because he said he'd take me to the station. Shouldn't have done that. No one ever do that. But I was with someone and I was like, we'll be fine because I'm not alone.

You're absolutely getting into that. I know. I'm like, I wouldn't. I've done that before. And there was no candy. He didn't even have candy. Isn't that the opening premise of Taken? Absolutely.

Oh, no. No! We're nearly taken. You nearly got took. I've also done No! You were nearly taken. You were nearly taken. You nearly got took. I've also done that. I was by myself. Oh, you also nearly got took.

Stop risking taking the two of you. No, wait. When I was in India, I got on the back of a motorbike. What's wrong with you? I almost got took. You almost got took. Motorbike, I feel, is people can see what's going on. You know, whereas a car, it's like, oh, I don't know what's going on in there.

You don't get taken. I've never been in a taken situation. I hope. Hang on. Let me think. Not that I know of. What about that weird memory when you're in the back of a van? Yeah, well, that's some other mystery.

You were taken. You got taken. Dad, van's like the worst one it wasn't a van it was like a four-door sedan or something and i'm in the back and i'm five with a woman and we're eating sandwiches and the woman in my memory is like an adult and i don't know why any of it happened who was she whose car was that it was lunchtime at the cult school I went to when I was five. That school was shut down because it didn't provide an education. Only sandwiches.

Anywho. No one get into cars with anyone you don't know. It's very stupid and you'll get took. Absolutely. That needs to be the new modern day fairy tale. Yeah, it does. It's a lesson we need to learn. We need to create one for children. Yeah.

Yeah. I think what would turn me off the candy house is that I don't like candy that much. What? What I mean is that if it was a house made of like hot dogs and ribs. To me it was a house made of cheese. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, get in my.

Imagine having a cheese dream waking up and keeping it going. Oh yeah. Roll over and just. Oh man. It's just. F over and just. Oh, man. It's just scuffing some. Fondues in the summer. Yes. Scuffing down some gouda.

No, I reckon if it was a house made of bread and then just like bowls of dips and cheese everywhere. The kind of thing where you just pick up a bowl of dip and huck it at a wall. Yes. And just tear it out and eat it. One of those spinach cobs where they hollow out all the- Oh, my gosh. Now we're just bathing in a giant cob loaf. Oh, my gosh.

If that was the, like, cauldron, dead. I do imagine- Also, very unsafe food standards. Absolutely. I was thinking that, like, you could just wait for summer and then her house will melt and you can run away. Isn't it gingerbread a bit? Yeah. Yeah, but gingerbread probably, oh, it'll get stale.

Yeah. Isn't the roof made of, like, a kind of, like... Yeah, how good would it actually taste? Yeah, that's a great question. Well, if it's not good, I'm leaving. Take a bite and you're like, yeah, see you, Nana. We'll be like, she's been cool, but I think she's trying to fatten us up to eat us. And Hayden's like, yeah, yeah, she definitely is.

I've been telling you this. I'm like, I'm so sorry, but thank you for supporting me for my snack. And so we sneak out of the cage because we can just do that. Just eat the cage. It's not hard. Oh, what if the cage is made of rock candy? Well, I was going to say, because she's a Nana, chances are the candy you're going to get is that shitty hard rock candy.

That's true. You know what? If I can see this from a distance, I'm not going in the house. Actually, I'd accept some rock candies from her. I wouldn't go in, you know? Yeah, once you've had a couple of disappointing ones. Yeah, you're out. I guess the moral to all old evil women is buy quality confectionery.

Yeah, absolutely. Man, nobody thinks about the moral for the villain. Yeah. Like, hey, evil stepmother. Also, don't kill children. Well, yeah, absolutely. Side note. Number one, buy good shit.

Children must be delicious for the amount of evil wishes that eat them in fairy tales. Oh, 100%. But hang on. Like a forbidden fruit. Yeah. That old woman had bad taste because she's fattening them up. If you look at what the horrible, horrible things they do to cows

to get quality meat, it's muscle that everyone eats. They're fattening them up, and because they're keeping them in the cage, they have no muscle. She was basically battery-handing you. Yeah! She was putting you in a cage, keeping the lights on, making you lay eggs, I assume. Also, man, imagine you got a pig,

and you fed that pig nothing but candy. Delicious. I don't know if that meat's gonna be any good. Yeah, what you want is free-range children. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, we were! You were! You were. You were wooded children. She should have just let you live in the woods

and kind of continually fed you delicious. How do they make foie gras? Oh, no, that's a cage one as well. It's a fun one. Isn't that illegal in a lot of places? It's very cruel. I was watching a TED talk when they were talking about this person who kind of made their own, like, ethical foie gras,

but because it wasn't, like, force-feeding the goose, it was like people were like, you can't call it foie gras. It didn't taste as good. But, no, it tasted amazing, apparently. And so he was just like, yeah, we tried to make this all ethical. We give them these, like, acorns or whatever the hell they feed and, like, gooseberries? I don't know.

And they're just like, okay, we have these tame goose, and then, like, some wild goose flow overhead, and the tame goose, like, honk, honk, honk. And so the wild geese come down, and then they also start eating. And so he's like, sick, they caught themselves. That's amazing. Good TED Talk, anyway. So did Cass learn the lesson or not?

You were trusting of a stranger. And then you'd... Do you know what? You were trusting of a stranger. And then you... Do you know what? I put my faith in food. That's what I did. Like, I wouldn't have trusted... Like, I would want her to eat something first. Yeah, sure.

Just to make sure it wasn't poison. But I'm only there as long as the food's good. If the food stops being good, and we've come across this forest after a bit, I'm like, there's got to be another house. If there's a candy house, I bet there's a meat house somewhere. Yeah, you're smarter than those children. Yeah, I think you might get out of this one.

But you still know already not to trust strangers, so you kind of went into it with the moral intact. Damn it! And again, you were trusting of the kind Nana, but then when she revealed she was a cannibal, you probably shoved out of there. Yeah. You learned that lesson.

I waddled. I waddled out of the giant hole I made by force. It's kind of great to imagine, because she could easily be defeated by just a sharp shove. Yeah, absolutely. Two children pushed her, and that was enough. She's very frail. I figured out how we can learn lessons

Well I can learn a lesson because my brother's smart If I'm stupid and I trust the woman And Hayden just pulls me out of there When it gets rough I don't learn That's true My very clever brother will save me from learning a lesson Gaslight yourself

Gaslight yourself That's how you learn a lesson! Jackson! No, you can solve yours by gaslighting yourself if you gaslight the town as well. If you stick to your guns of being like, no, no, I told you a wolf was coming. There was a wolf every other time. You idiots just didn't listen to me and now there's a

real wolf. Please don't hang me. And they're just like, God, we should have listened to Jackson more. That's upsetting. And you can just be like, yeah, whatever. Hayden, why did you save me from that lovely grandmother? we should have listened to Jackson more. That's upsetting. And you can just be like, yeah, whatever. Hayden, why did you save me from that lovely grandmother? She was trying just to feed us and you killed her. You're a monster. And Zammett, you could be like, I hated Nana anyway.

She was a bad person. It's good she's dead. Exactly. The wolf's a great guy. And you kind of just didn't. You just kind of came out on top. Yeah. Like, I tend to forget most of my out on top. Yeah. Like, I tend to forget most of my experiences with men,

so I'm already doing that. Maybe the prince was shit. Yeah. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel Zammett. I've been Sonia Di Iorio. I've been Cass. So, Sonia, do you have something happening in the Melbourne International Comedy Fest?

Why, yes, I do. I have a brand-new stand-up show. It's called Glory Box, and it's running every night during festival except for Tuesdays at the Coopers Inn, a very fine venue in the city. And where can we find tickets to purchase? You can find tickets on the Comedy Festival website,

Sonya Di Iorio, type in my name or Glory Box, Glory Hole. Do not type that in. No, Glory Box. And you can also check me out on Facebook and Instagram, Sonya Di Iorio. Fantastic. Check it out. Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on twitter

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there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus..com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.