Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fake Cop Would Make the Best Real Cop?

Episode Date: January 20, 2019

Where we ask the hard hitting question like Which Fake Cop Would Make the Best Real Cop?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sants Pants Radio. If you love something, let it go. quiz show hosted by me and starring a whole bunch of sans pants people and comedians tickets are available from the melbourne international comedy festival website as well as our own website sanspantsradio.com forward slash live so stop listening to whatever this is and grab your tickets now hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like which fake cop would make the best real cop? Fake cop is great because it doesn't sound like we're going for fictional cops. Just people pretending Who committing the crime of stolen valour

But for cops But for police officers Would make the best police officer Who's going first? Who's got the business to dish out? I'm going to choose the amazing cop Horse from Tangled Excellent choice

Cop horse What's his name? Isn't it like Britannia or something? The Amazing Cop Horse from Tangled. Excellent choice. Ah, Cop Horse. Yes. What's his name? Cop Horse. Isn't it like Britannia or something? Yeah, what is that horse? D'Artagnan? I don't know.

We're going to address this straight off the bat. Jackson, if you're going to have your feet near the microphone, stop banging them together. Or making them squeak. What if I just have one foot down and one foot up? That's fine. You can't make noise that way. Our listeners will be disturbed. Anyway. What is his name? What is Tangled Cop Horse Dog? That's fine, you can't make noise that way Our listeners will be disturbed Anyway

What is his name? What is Tangled Cop Horse Dog? Yeah, he acts like a dog Maximus I knew it was a fancy name And what's his Britannia? Close Same syllables

Maximus from Tangled Because he's a great horse it's a he's very much he's always on the case sure like he's persistent he's not gonna give up

and he's got a very good sense of the law so he knows when something's right or wrong he basically he basically sniff out crime are our fictional cops though

are they are they beat detectives are they or are they like are they like as in is maximus hopping in a car with a partner just patrolling one block yeah making sure no one's mugged i don't know what cops do yeah we're going with real cops so we'll just go like oh yeah what are the duties of what about we go stopping a mugging breaking up a house party

and paperwork filing paperwork stopping a mugging maximus could do great because imagine the cop Mugging, breaking up a house party. Paperwork. Filing paperwork. Yeah, that's good. Stopping a mugging, Maximus, could do great. Because imagine the cop car pulls up and you're like, fuck, and the door opens and a horse gets out. No, maybe he does it bad because it's hard to get a horse out of a car. Stopping a mugging, was it a house party? House party, breaking up a house party. Oh, it's too loud.

Shut up. Call the cops. Can I look to a a fourth Sneaky fun category Of donut eating Yeah of course Classic Cop prejudice Cops probably do love donuts

I love donuts Are you a cop? Maybe you should be one Are you under arrest? Maybe Maybe Fuck that's so good Cause you know how like

Like undercover cops Like drug deals and they're like If you're a cop you gotta tell me Well are you under arrest And you're like Am I I don't know You seem to know so much about the police

Criminal the way it works So yes Maybe undercover should be a good category. There's a lot of categories. We're building up categories like plaque on teeth. We are, we are. Let's drop the stop a mugging, then. Yeah, right.

Let's start with a house party. So, breaking up a house party, going undercover, eating donuts, filing paperwork. Yeah, perfect. So, that's basically being a cop, as I understand from film. Well, yeah, because in films, cops are always like

first responders as in like responding to things that are currently happening but most times police are at events well and truly after they've happened exactly i like that you're like yeah you're complaining about a house party and you're like hey could you just send someone over to quiet him down and they're like yep we'll send the horse and hang up you're like what what well if i'm hosting a house party that's got a little bit out of control and a horse comes up... No, I'm trying to include that horse in the house party.

Yeah, if the horse comes up, I just think the house party... Horse party? Now it becomes a horse party. Yeah. Because I'm thinking if that horse turns up, I'm just like, the party has taken another excellent step. Yes, the party has reached another level and guess who is trying to ride this horse into that pool?

This boy. Doesn't that horse love crime, though? Because he is paired up with a criminal, right? Yes. But he's got his own sense of justice. Okay. So he knows what's right and wrong. Yeah.

And he'll go... He's kind of a bit of a loose cannon. He'll sort of go above and beyond the law. Okay, so he's kind of- Because isn't Flint Rider a thief? Yeah, he's a bad- Flint Rider's a bad bloke. But Maximus comes out because he's like, ah, I see there is a greater problem here and I can have to, you know, I've got to work with the villain.

He just seems like the kind of cop that maybe has a deal with the mafia, you know, to stop bigger crimes. Sometimes he works with the mob, right? Yeah. Okay, this horse is going to the house party and doing drugs instantly. No, the horse maybe is going to the house party and being like, I'm going to shut you down unless you give me drugs or something. And he is easily bribed with apples, as we

can see from How great would it be if you're at the party and you're doing horse tranquilizers and then a horse turns up? You're like, oh, you're doing horse tranquilizers and then a horse turns up? You're like, oh, you're doing horse. And a horse turns up. No. Hey, guys, you got the horse? Oh, no.

Wrong horse. A house party where everyone's doing heroin. No, it's not really a house party. It's just a house while a bunch of people do heroin. Here's the keg and there's the smack. What? I don't think anyone's ever had to call a house party where everyone is on heroin for being too loud.

Heroin's a quiet drug. Yeah, look, fair. So maybe Maximus isn't the best in terms of a good cop because he is easily bribed. He is happy to work with known criminals to kind of achieve a goal which is even... What's Flint's goal? Flynn. Flynn.

Not Flint. Flint starts parties. Flynn cuts hair. Did you say Flynn and then you said sorry but you said it with an F-L and said Flory? Maybe. You were like Flynn, Flory after a while. Flynn, Flory. I'm Flory? Maybe. You were like, Flynn, Flory. Flynn, Flory.

I'm Flory. I'm Flo-Flory. Flo-Flory. I'm Flynn-credibly Flo-Plo-Flo-Jatic. Well, so Flynn steals a crown

or whatever. It's a crown. Jewels. It was a crown, was it jewels? And Maximus is with him at this point. No, Maximus is like,

don't you do that. Maximus is like, I'm now in the party to arrest this piece of shit. And he gallops after and tries to arrest him. It's then that Flynn meets Rapunzel. And that's when the conspiracy that is the missing daughter or the missing princess. And then the horse is like, I see.

Well, my sovereign duty is to uphold the laws of our land. But bringing the princess back to, you know, Rapunzel land is taking priority. So he's overlooking treason to solve high treason. That's alright. Stealing a crown or like Jules'

treason? Stealing the crown is absolutely treason. If I was, or when I am knighted by Her Majesty Elizabeth. Yes, the second. Forgot her last name. Elizabeth Queen. When she's knighting me. What is her

last name? Windsor? Yeah. Elizabeth Winsor. Elizabeth of Britain. Is it? Yeah. Okay. When she knights me, if I plinked, stole the crown, that's treason. Sorry, you talk about Tracy. Now I'm like, am I a bad citizen of the Queen? Am I a bad sovereign citizen?

There's no way to say sovereign citizen. Am I a bad citizen of the Commonwealth? What is the Queen's last name? I'm pretty sure it's Windsor, but I'm going to double check. Is it? Or is it like something weird, like Elizabeth of Windsor? Elizabeth Buckingham. Elizabeth Buckingham Palace.

Because I'm like, surely it's a German name. Yeah. Why? Are they German? Yeah. Her name's Elizabeth Mary. Well, I don't know shit about shit, I guess. Fuck. What is... Huh. Oh, she's from the...

Oh, wait, no. No, no, no, no. House of Windsor. Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor. Because they've got her listed as Elizabeth Alexandra Mary at the top of the page of Wikipedia, where I get all of my research from, I assumed that Mary was her last name, and I was like, that's weird. That's a first name.

But Windsor, we were right. We are good royalists. Yes, non- we were right. We are good royalists. Yep. Yes. Non-Republicans. Spit on them. I refuse to vote in elections because I don't believe in them. I believe in the Queen.

Not kings. No, no. Queen only. If Queen Elizabeth said jump, I'd say on who. Yes, it was treason. But high treason is a worse crime than treason. Exactly. All right, so yes, it was treason. But high treason's a worse crime than treason. Exactly. All right, so house party, he does heroin.

All right, what's the next one? So yeah, I would say... Horse on horse, baby. Yeah, seven or eight out of ten house parties that horse is being sent to, horse is not ending house party. Damn. Okay, going undercover.

He is a horse. He could go undercover as another variety of horse. What if he goes undercover in farm crime? Yeah, how much of that is there? And how McCloud's daughter lets me believe a lot. And, ooh, Australian deep reference. Fuck yeah, McCloud's daughters. Fuck yeah, Cloud's daughters.

Fuck yeah, Cloud's strife. Now we're talking Final Fantasy VII. Finally. Yeah, finally. Plumbing the dust, I finally acknowledge Final Fantasy VII. Yeah, yeah. With that Sephiroth. Yeah, that's him.

Big sword blow. The people have had enough of us pretending that Final Fantasy VII doesn't exist. They've demanded it. We'll talk about VI, we'll talk about VIII, but we will not reference Final Fantasy VII. VIII's the emo one. It sure is with Squall. Yep, he's emo as shit. And gun blades. I have the best of both situations, he's emo as shit. And Gunblade.

I have the best of both situations. A gun and a sword. Put them together. What do I got? Gunblade. A doctor has informed me that if I play a Final Fantasy game, the cancer will come back. Squall goes back in time,

and the game makes a theme like that he makes himself not exist anymore, but then he's at a sad party. Careful. I've never played Final Fantasy 8 or 7. I have played 7, but I haven't played 8. At home must be cheering for us to finally acknowledge its existence. Apparently 3 is good.

There's a dog creature in Final Fantasy 7 called Red. Nope, nope, don't know. I was about to say Red, but I'm uh, ooh, nope, nope, don't know. Don't know. I was about to say Red, but I'm like, ooh, is that right? Aerith is potentially a character. Red, XV something, Roman numerals.

Aerith might be the one who gets killed in Final Fantasy VII. Barret! Barret! That's a guy with a gun hand. He punches- Okay, I don't know. I've played Kingdom Hearts 1. Oh, that's got- Kookabos.

That's got- Chukubos. Chukabums. Sara? No. Kis played Kingdom Hearts 1. Kookaburras. That's got... Chukubums. Sarah? No. Sarah? Sora! No, isn't that just... Sora?

Yeah, but isn't that just the character from Kingdom Hearts? That's not a Final Fantasy character. Yeah, but he's a... Kingdom Hearts is basically Final Fantasy. Mickey Mouse? Mickey Mouse is a Final Fantasy. Goofy's in the party and I think he's the healer. Is he?

Mog. Looks like a meow. Is it a mog? Is that a thing? Mog. Mogwai? Heartless. They're a thing in Kingdom Hearts.

Are the cactuses that do this final fantasy? What's a mogwai? No, that's a gremlin What's the pink boy? Pink boy? He's a little white lad He's got like a pink bobble nose And a little thing

Maybe wings? Oh wait, no, I know this I don't know if they're called mogs or not That sounds insane An undercover horse yes uh farm crimes yes but i think it's just it's a crime so a horse lives in a stable are you imagining because i think i know the answer to this when you think farm crimes are you imagining this undercover horse arresting the farmer or the animals?

Oh, the horses. Well, I was imagining the farmer. I suspected that you meant the animals, and I was going to be like, funny, but real cop. Cops don't arrest pigs. But now that I like the idea of arresting a pig for manslaughter. I like that. Like in history. Yes, bringing it back. Let's put animals on trials

again. If a horse arrests another horse, is it a... Is that legally binding? Maximus can't talk, you'd never know. He can't read you your Miranda rights. No, he cannot. Yeah, that's bad. But apparently that's also not a thing. Well, you probably still need to explain to your

self. Is that like you only need to hear the first part of the Miranda rights? No. It's kind of also like the whole you're only allowed one phone call. Yeah, it's a myth. A lie. But we are going through. You're allowed as many as you like.

We are going via movie laws. That's true. So, yes. No, we're going by real cop laws. Then no. Because it's best fake cop to make it the best real cop. Every time we go off thing, I'm going to try and remember something about Final Fantasy 7,

a game I have not played. Is there a casino level? Is there a level you're in a pinball machine? I think you're thinking about the same level, and I believe yes. What was the next category? So what am I going to undercover, though?

Is it good or bad? It's a horse. Yeah. Although I wouldn't suspect a horse of being a cop. But I would suspect... The thing is, you're a surly teen. Yeah. You're dealing meth.

Yeah. Then someone... A horse tries to come and buy? A person comes up and he buys some meth off you. You're like, thank you very much. You sell him that meth. Then another man comes up and he's got a very long

face, a very big cloak, four legs, some might say. You ask him, does he want some meth? He then gets, you see his leg goes, one clop. He clops, yes. You're like, there you go. Perfect sting. As a drug dealer,

what weapons am I carrying? Do I have a knife? Yeah. I'm stabbing that horse. Right in the middle of his forehead. In between that fucking- Unicorn, bitch! I'm unicorning that horse!

The horse lets out a whinny, kicks the person in line behind it and dies. I like that this drug dealer has a line. Very nice. He's very efficient. I've seen that in real life. Someone stab a horse in the forehead. No, no, no, no, no. A drug dealer with a line.

I was just going to the bathroom and like went to a urinal and there was a guy like kind of pressed up against a toilet door. Yeah. And there was like three people trying to hand him money all at the same time.

He's like, guys, guys, one at a time. That's right. Form a line. Yeah, that was- Form a queue, lad. Form an orderly queue. It was just like a pub. I don't even know why it was happening.

What even? Anyway. All right. He should have stabbed them. He should have. Absolutely. Clunk, clunk, clunk. All right.

So undercover horse. Bad. Bad, bad, bad, clunk Alright, so undercover horse Bad Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad Paperwork No fingers No hands But good lips Does have a good lip

Hold pen in lips Big head See sideways Big lips, big eyes Eyes on side of head Looking at paper on your right He's got the pen out one side of his mouth He's eyeballing the paper

And he's writing I saw a crime Or whatever the cop's gotta put there Wait, filing cabinet Cannot use Big lips No, think about filing cabinets There's one right behind you. I'm gonna give it a look. Alright. Yeah, try and

open that with your mouth. Yeah, but he got small lips, not like a horse. Horses have big lips. He's trying real hard and he's not easy. Oh, Jesus Christ. There's a computer screen on top of the filing cabinet that Jackson was trying to open and he

headbutted the filing cabinet. The computer screen shook and looked like it was going to fall and hit him on the head, but it did not. Because you opened a filing cabinet by hooking underneath and not on top, you can't do it. Yeah. A chimp could. A chimp? Yeah, because they've got...

Ah, I thought you said chip. Oh, no. A chip could. Yeah, like a chimp. Like a chimpanzee. They've got such malleable lips. You know what they also have? Fingers. Fingers. A chimp. Like a chimpanzee. They've got such malleable lips. You know what they also have? Fingers!

A chimp with mittens on! Anyway, yeah. No, bad. Shit, I'm sure it's bad. Ah! Donut eating, though. Oh, yeah, you could do that. You can eat heaps.

Eat heaps. Wait, what happens if you give a horse coffee? What happens if you give a horse too much donut? I know if you give a dog coffee it has a heart attack. Every time? It depends how much coffee it is. We both looked at the dog that's on the floor next to us. We were like, do you want to test it? Give it a go?

But a horse is robust. It is. It's a tough animal. I can't imagine having donuts without having coffee. Oh yeah, absolutely. So this horse, all these fake cops who become a real cop have to have donuts with some black coffee. What kind of donuts? Are we talking cinnamon donuts?

No, they've got to be regular pink icing. It's a classic cop donut. Or cinnamon, actually. Or cinnamon. Nah, pink icing does sound nice. I think it's unhealthy for a horse, but as long as he gets a carrot every now and then, he's probably good, right?

Six donuts, one carrot. You imagine, like, because, you know, like the portly cop who's eating his, like, you know, donuts. And he's got his coffin, like, he's in the car and someone goes by and he spills everything. And he's like, oh, imagine that replaced with a horse with a potbelly. How are you imagining the horse sitting in the cop car? Sitting, like, on its haunches with legs up on the dashboard. That's great, because I'm imagining just like a human, but it's cramped as hell.

I was imagining it in a trailer behind the car. Even better. Like an actual horse. Could Maximus then maybe ride an actual horse cop? Horse on horse. Yeah, horse on horse cop. I was thinking every time I Could Maximus then maybe ride an actual horse cop? Horse on horse? I was thinking every time I saw Maximus I would be like, where's your cop? And then he would be the cop and I'd be on the off point.

Maximus entangled the bends wrong, right? Yes. He's more like a dog than a horse. True. I looked at the dog again to imagine if it could ride a horse and I don't think it could. It was a horse. Not don't think it could Huh Not what I expected

It can sword fight Sword in mouth, sword in hoof Sword in mouth Sword in lips That's right If you had said hoof I'd be like oh no Sword in lips, I get it Makes a lot of sense

Well okay, one out of four ain't bad That's pretty good Which one did it succeed in? It could eat donuts I feel like it's going to be weird if one of us chooses a cop that can't Oh no, I picked a cop with no mouth I picked Neo from the one scene in the Matrix Where his mouth is taken

Good choice Not a cop Instant disqualification. Maximus, not great. He's caught a cop. Caught a real cop. Caught a real cop. He's haunches her a cop.

That's it. All right. I choose a cop who I think would make a fictional cop, make a real cop, is one half of Turner and Hooch. Hooch. Yes. Who is a basset hound. Sure is.

A dog. He's a dog and he loves to fight crime or he has been trained to fight crime. Good choice because we just heard all of the problems that a horse has. And then you're like, what if the same but smaller? Imagine the same but smaller and with more spit. So much drool.

All right. So, breaking up a house party, Hooch going by himself? Yes. People are going to play with that dog. What if he bites him? Yeah, that's a rabid dog. Either he's going to like, well, it's going to stop the house party no matter what. But he's going to stop the house party or he's going to maul a kid or someone's

going to shoot that dog. Because where's Maximus? That's what he's stopping, it's just whether or not Hooch survives. I'm going to going Pooch. Pooch might get put down. Yeah, but that's the thing is, so Maximus is like a little bit intelligent. Pooch is just a dog.

So without someone to train him, he just gets scared and pisses himself or he eats a kid. Yeah. What kind of house party were we imagining? Were we like, again, is it youths? Yeah. Loud party? Yeah, he's biting a kid. Yeah, he's biting a kid, so they're like, whoa, sick dog! And Hoosier's

like, and then he eats a kid, and he gets, hand in your gun and badge, Hoosier. Also come this way to the vet. Sorry, we gotta put you down. Imagine if they're like, Joe, there's your hand in your badge and your gun,

and have this injection. What's the injection for? We're putting you down. Oh, fair. About time. Fair. I'm older, kid. I get it.

Okay. So look. Yeah. I always want to give half point. No, because if a horse isn't ending a house party, a dog's not ending a house party. I would have given you a point if it was, say, like, like an Australian Shepherd. Yeah.

Australian Shepherd, that's what they're called? Do you mean like a German Shepherd? No. Do you mean like a Kelpie? Yeah, Kelpie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, a dog that would round up, say, sheep. Because you'd be like, okay, maybe the instincts would kick in

and try and round up the kids like they were wayward sheep. But, no, Hoochie's, Hooch is mauling. He's not a mauling dog, I don't think. I think he's just going to get patted. I think he bites Tom Hanks on the butt. No, it's not Tom Hanks. I always get Turner and Hooch and K-9 confused. Turner and Hooch is Tom Hanks.

He bites Tom Hanks on the butt quite often. It's a lot of arse getting eaten. Hell yeah. Look at that big dog. That's a dog that's going to maul a kid. You've got sad eyes. What type of dog is it? I feel like it's one of those dogs that's real chill.

So we're imagining just that dog turning up, but it wouldn't work like that. There'd be cop sirens, first of all. Car pulls up out the front. The kids are already panicking. Guys, turn the music down. Turn the music down. That's great. It's like they're watching the cop car, but Hooch can't open a handle.

He's just scratching on the window. Woo! I think there's a dog trapped in that car. Do you know what his real name is? What? Beasley. Oh! Made famous by

Kim Beasley, former Australian politician. Big boy. Yeah, big boy. You know when people leave a dog in a car and it dies? Imagine the cop car turning up who's scratching at the window and they just die. Why is that so funny to you? I don't know.

It really is. You just like the idea of a house being broken up by kids watching a dog die the idea of a house being broken up by kids watching a dog die. Speaking of a dead dog. Hooch died. In 1992. Hooch also dies in Turner and Hooch. That's the ending

of that movie. Hooch has died many times. Alright, house party. He's a French Mastiff, by the way. Okay, cool. Now, before we carry on any further, here's a word from our sponsors also this melbourne international comedy festival i'm going to be hosting a nightmare quiz show called big deal and it will be upsetting and strange and possibly feature deli meat grab your tickets now at sanspantsradio.com forward slash live so who has not done so great in a house party. No. Died in a hot car. Died in a hot car. Okay, so.

Undercover work. He could go undercover as a seeing eye dog. Yeah. He could be a street dog. Yeah, street dog. Nobody suspected. Horse, suspicious.

Dog, just dog. Nah, you see a lost dog, especially one of these kind of dogs. Yeah. In the city or around, you're like, yeah. The problem with Hooch

is that it's purebred, isn't it? Hooch is not like a mongrel. You'd just be like, that is definitely someone's dog. It depends where we are. Even if you're in a rural town, like a lost dog, someone's going to call up the pound. But imagine this. Imagine that we've got Hooch going undercover

to stop rich people crime. You let him loose in a rich person neighborhood. They're like, oh my God, whose dog is this? Take it in, look after it. Hooch sees some suspicious goings on. Can't report him back. He's a dog. Look.

Yeah. Also, Hooch don't know what's going on. Hooch just thinks his owners abandoned him. And now he's being picked up by a lovely family that had given him steak. It's great to imagine Hooch in an interrogation room and the other cops being like, what did you see? And he's like, what did you see imagine Hooch in an interrogation room and the other cops being like, what did you see? And he's like, what did you see, Hooch? He's a dog.

I don't know what he... What's he saying? And then he just curls up on the floor and goes to sleep. Damn it. Hooch, keep your secrets then. He's pooped from too much hard work. So, undercover, yes. A dog doesn't look too suspicious, but will instantly...

The equivalent of if you put a man undercover and he got arrested straight away. How about this, though? You put a microphone somewhere in pooch. Just put it on his collar. But then they might see it. And they might see, oh, he's's got a collar so he belongs to someone Get him to swallow a microphone pill

Or something Wasn't this a Something the CIA tried to do with cats They tried to mic them up It didn't help from memory Also hey what movie is it Where there's a rat with big balls Final Fantasy 7

No And they attach a bomb to the rat's balls where there's a rat with big balls. In Final Fantasy VII. No. And they attach a bomb to the rat's balls and it goes into a big meeting and explodes. Wait, what is that movie? That's a movie. Is it The One? The one with Jet Li? Yeah, is it Jet Li's The One?

I fucking think it is. I think it might be Jet Li's The One. Just double fucking checking. I remember rat balls with a bomb attached to them. I think it's Jet Li's The One. Just double fucking checking. I remember rat balls with a bomb attached to them. I think it's Jet Li's The One. Maybe it might be Wanted as well. I think it might be Wanted. Okay.

Yeah, look it up, boys. Look it up. Look it up. Figure it out. Figure it out. I think that is Wanted. Anyway, so look, Undercover, probably not great because, again, unless the person you're trying to spy on is maybe a dog lover who may

will see a dog and be like yes yeah grab that dog and take it in and for some reason uh open its mouth with a recording device and speak directly into the dog's mouth that's all good criminals yeah every time i do a crime i go melody come Melody, come here, and I open her mouth and I'm like, Melody, I stole from a 7-Eleven. I sing it for some reason. I open her mouth and be like, I'm committing a crime. I like how it echoes off her dog neck. I committed a crime. She's cavernous.

So, yeah, okay, not super good, sure. Okay. Now, paperwork. Now paperwork Now unlike say Maximus No big lips Although big jowls Big jowls But unlike Maximus

Not intelligent Just a dog Maximus Could Can sign paper though With a paw print That's true So any paperwork

That involved a signature Golden Telling people What he did Impossible Also doesn't people what he did, impossible. Also doesn't know what he did. So even if he could write it down, he would just write down, I was in her place. Also would probably eat the paper. Yeah.

Yeah. Might just destroy the office. Rat balls is wanted. All right. Okay, cool. Thanks for looking it up. No worries. Thanks, man.

I think there is a rat in the one as well, but maybe no balls. Anyway, yeah. When I searched for exploding rat, it gave me also known as rat explosive or rat bomb. Apparently, it's a common thing. Cool. Why the balls, though? It's just the very notable big balls. But the bomb's not on the balls.

You sure it's not attached to the scrote? No, I mean- No, it's on the back of the rat. I remembered it dragging behind on the rat's big scrotum. That is not a movie. There is no way that that is a movie it's very very it's in my brain anyway so i feel like what may have happened is you watched wanted the explosive was on a rat but you also noticed that there was rat balls and then you're like wouldn't it be funny if the bomb was on the rat balls and then you've thought about that has made you laugh and then you've accidentally, wouldn't it be funny if the bomb was on the rat balls? And then you've thought about that, it's made you laugh, and then you've accidentally inserted that as the real scene.

I've tricked myself. Yeah, I feel that might have been what happened. There is no way a film has an explosive tied to rat balls. No, in my mind it was tied on, but it was more like stapled to the rat balls. Not with a staple, but it wasn't wrapped around. Anyway, rat balls aside. Rat balls aside, paperwork dog shit can't do it. Dog ate my paperwork.

Doesn't know what's happening. Now, donuts and also coffee. Now, as previously said, if a dog has too much coffee. If a dog has one black coffee, it will have a heart attack. If a man has too much coffee. How many of these categories have we had to put Hooch down or has Hooch died? Because it's more than one.

Well, if he goes undercover and the police think he's deep undercover at the pound, he's getting put down there too. So all of them. He didn't die doing paperwork. Eight paper jokes. Dead. Yeah, if a dog eats too much. Too much ink and died.

I killed Hooch by trying to make him a real cop Heaps every time That's so sad I'll accept a fail there I guess he ate some donuts He did eat the donuts I'll accept a half point His one eighth cop The tail

I'll take a well deserved half point Alright JD what do you got? What do you got for us? I'm going to go with the T-1000. The Terminator? Yeah, T-1000. Yeah, the cop one from the second Terminator. He can make his arms into spikes,

and he lived as that man's wife for like a month. Yeah. Made a meal. Made a whole sandwich for no one. Yes, he did. Which will come up later, because there is one issue that I may have with my choice that I did not think through, but I reckon he's going to kill the other three.

Okay. Alright. Breaking up a house party. Absolutely. He might murder kids, but that house party's ending. It's finished. But real cops need ramifications. So I guess that is a problem. Well, one big problem you have with the T-1000 is that he's not a cop. Ah, but he's a fake cop.

Yeah. He's a fake, fake cop. Yeah, but when he becomes a cop, does he join the force? I guess Maximus and Hooch joined the force. Did Maximus join the force? maximus and hooch joined the force so i guess did maximus join the force he's a royal guard yeah no i mean like when they became real cops they joined the force is your t-1000 still trying to hunt down sarah connor yeah but no let's say that he succeeded and killed sarah connor but now he's stuck in time he's stuck and now he needs a job

i'll be a cop i guess and we're imagining like like a 90s-esque sort of opening of that. Yeah. Like soft piano music. Tiddly, tiddly, tiddly, tiddly, tiddly, tiddly. Like that really big blocky kind of text up front. Yep. T-1000 needs a job. Oh, I killed Sarah Connor.

Now I don't know what to do. Well, why not join the force, friend? Look at you. You're already wearing that uniform. Oh, this stolen valor came in handy after all. So when he breaks up a house party, does anyone else just imagine him piercing kids with his finger? I feel like what's going to happen is he'll knock on the door.

Yeah. A kid will open the door, and then he'll be like, this party's done. The kids will be like, shut up, nerd cop. And then he'll be like This party's done The kids will be like Shut up nerd cop And then he'll pierce that kid with his Or if he learns how to integrate society a bit better Which he might

What he could do is call up the house party And pretend and mimic to be someone's mum I like that he keeps mimicking Sarah Connor Hi it's Sarah Connor Please stop the house party Hi it's your mum Who's this? It's me your mum Sarah Connor. Hi, it's Sarah Connor. Please stop the house party. Hi, it's your mum. Who's this? It's me, your mum, Sarah Connor.

That's not true. Break up this house party or I will murder you. What? It's cool to imagine a kid running away from the party and the T-1000 doing the like, T-1000 run after him and tackling him and killing him. It's also fun to imagine a T-1000 rocking up at a house party by running to it and then not stopping and just

running straight through the house. That's a good way to break up the party. That's true. And again, if he knocks on the house party and no one lets him in he could just like Alex Mack this shit and just kind of like melt under the doors. Can he be goo? Is that like a thing you can do at random or is it just like has to be hot?

Does he have to be hot? Can he be a do at random or is it just like has to be hot does he have to be hot yeah can he be a goo at random or does it have to be a hot yeah the kind of thing where he pulls up at the house party and he's like gotta be a goo for this one and just turns up the hater in his car and waits is strife clouds real name more questions we don't know the answer to we don't get it. In the new one, they drive a car. Big turtles. Final Fantasy XV is apparently good. Or maybe it's a bad one. Is this the one with the boy band? Is one of them set on a farm? That's Harvest

Moon. Oh, no. The boy look. There's one you play underwater basketball, I think. That sounds like it would be Final Fantasy X. Yeah. Yeah. He has a blue sword. And then, yeah, maybe.

Yellow shirt, overalls. There's a foundation of some variety in it, right? Riku, Reiko. Final Fantasy X2 is the lady one. Yeah. All right. Someone controls ravens maybe? Hard to say. Someone dies and it's a big

deal. Vincent? Man in red. Who gets killed by Cloud and it's a big deal? Skyrus? Gets killed by Cloud? Or is Cloud? Is it Brack? Bring back Irith?

Is it Zack? Who's the black haired guy? Bring back Irith. Is it Zach? Who's the black haired guy? Irith. She gets stabbed. Yeah, the Sephiroth kills her. Sephiroth. That's a guy. You fight him in the Hercules arena in Kingdom Hearts.

He's secret lost, boss. Yeah. Isn't it Sephiroth? Because it's a PH. Yeah, Sephiroth. What did I say? Sephiroth. It's Sephiroth. It it Sephiroth Because it's a PH Makes a Yeah Sephiroth What did I say Sephiroth It's Sephiroth

It's Sephiroth Careful you're gonna Sephiroth Much like these I cannot tell you Whether or not T-1000 Can turn to goo

At I think he can At will At will Yeah I think he can as well Because he makes his arms Into spikes His arms definitely

Can turn into goo But I can't remember If he can turn into a puddle I don't remember if he can turn into a puddle or not. I don't know if he's Alex Mack in style. All right, what about undercover? Obviously pretty good. Yeah, he kills someone, he can beat them. Yeah, that's easy.

He is the best undercover by far, both real life and out of all of these situations. Given that mine and Zamat's choices were animals, you kind of had this in the bin. The only way that T-1000 could blow his cover And he might is because he's a bit too up front with violence So he could kill the person he's being That's true actually undercover sometimes you've got to be undercover for years

Well he was undercover As someone's mum making a sandwich for a bit Yeah that's true What a weird time for that kid Again much longer than he needed to be Who was he undercover as in that movie? Um like the Edward Furlong's step-mom? Or like looking after...

Okay, like adoptive parents. Foster parents. He killed John Connor's foster parents. Yeah. Isn't that one of them played by the guy that's in one of the 24s? Maybe. Anyway.

Jack Brower. Brower? Bower? Why do we not remember things? Hang on. Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Why do we not remember things? Hang on. Why do we need a boss guy that gets cancer from- What was the plot of Alias? Final Fantasy 3 was called Final Fantasy 5 in Japan, I think.

Is that the one with the crystals? 3 is the last one. It's on Super Nintendo. Which one do you open up and there's mechs and you're a mech person and they find a lady? Could one be a game show? Yes. Paperwork. Yeah.

He can do paperwork. Would he? He might just stab it. Yeah, like, I just can't imagine him... Because he's a computer. It's too much. Oh, true. Everything would be kind of already jotted down and he'd kind of be like, paperwork's

beneath him because it's already uploaded to the cloud. Yeah, but he would probably do that thing that he'd give away his well, I mean, I guess the police know. But he'd just do that thing where he's just like constantly writing but like... Like in iRobot when the iRobot makes a picture. When iRobot makes a picture of a bridge and then you realise

that it was his dream to kill his creator or something. Yeah, who remembers iRobot? Ah, the creator kills himself but frames iRobot to show that irobot has feelings feelings or a real human heart but anyway classic nike or something you should get them now will smith's dicks in that movie i think converse what yeah i think in the shower you can see a bit of hog okay now i'm intrigued i to go back and have a look. Yeah, okay. Oh, no, that's I Am Legend. That's I Am Legend, which also has a shower scene.

Good. So if you paperwork, no good. Or maybe very good. Or very good. Could I robot it? Could just stab it. Yeah. What about eating donuts and coffee?

Bad, I would say. This is where I feel that I'm not going to get four out of four. Because despite the fact that we see him make a sandwich, we never see him eat it. And I don't think robots can eat. If they are not programmed to smile. They're not programmed to eat sandwiches. No. It's great to imagine him being forced to eat a donut, gumming up his works and him dying.

That's presumably what would happen, right? They had to kill him by putting him in lava So I don't think a donut would kill him It might gum up a bit It might gum up his mechanism and he can't move as quick Maybe his lips stop working He's just stuck with like His lips folded back so it's just all teeth

Don't come with me They do something great like he opens up his mouth And tries to put the donut in But then like he melds his whole mouth around his arm hand and just kind of like hand goes through his whole face and drops the donut behind his back but looks like he ate the donut he could be getting it in there robot partner sure am uh sarah connor is dead i don't know why I'm doing an Arnie accent Talk to the hand I really like to imagine the T-1000 eating a donut like Cookie Monster He's got no throat so he just

Mushes it into his face I can imagine him trying to eat the donut And fucking up his programming and stuff And then he becomes a donut He's like just a little donut And a cop eats him and dies So really it's only Two out of four to be honest

Three out of four Paperwork you would absolutely do He still beat us regardless We had one each We did however I reckon what we do here Look all the other categories Aren't important I'm going to put forward solving a murder

Okay So Maximus Could probably sniff out the crime Categories unimportant. Yeah. I'm going to put forward solving a murder. Okay. So Maximus. Maximus could probably sniff out the crime. Can't interview people. No. But he could probably sniff out who it was and has enough wherewithal and intelligence to maybe solve that crime. This is good because you're going to be like, yeah, he could sniff out the crime, but then you're throwing to a man who picked a dog that can sniff better. Yeah.

However, doesn't have the intelligence wherewithal to understand what he's doing with that. Yeah, because we're doing it solo, right? That's the purview of the question. So Maximus can do it, but he can't do anything about it. He could kick the guy, I guess, to stop him. But he won't be able to hunt him down because he has no abilities to do that.

Yeah, he might be like, yes, that lady is dead. Now I'm sniffing. Okay. Good. He'll get an image of a man in his brain. Can't do anything about it. Super good. Yeah, someone is here. I know that. Anyway, anyone got a ball to play with?

That guy has steak? Fuck yes, steak. I am Hooch. What's that? Is that some wet meat? Love wet meat. I am Hooch. I am Hooch. What's that? Is that some wet meat? Love wet meat. I am dog. Hooch sniffs and then sits when it's finished and they're like, what? And he's like, woof! We hate you.

You're the worst cop we've ever had on the force. And my cop is a computer. Together they could solve the crime. Yes, because one of the three can solve it by themselves. So together they could solve the crime. Are, because one of the three can solve it by themselves. So together they could solve the crime. Although T-1000 riding Maximus

while they have a long leash on Hooch is a very good image. That is good. T-1000 would put down Hooch. You know the classic donkey and a carrot thing? You've got a fishing rod with Hooch at the end for Maximus to follow because he wants to eat the dog for some

reason that's it that's the best way to solve crime that just quickly reminds me this is unrelated but it's a good story yeah one of my friends hayden friend of the show friend of the weekly munas related to cas yes he was telling me a story about how one morning him and his partner started the day by watching videos on youtube of animals eating other animals they shouldn't be eating nothing graphic but lots of your favorite videos like the pelican eating a pigeon with a horse eating a baby chicken yeah and a horse eating a duck that's and he was just like your day is just very much ruined by the time you're like this is funny and then it all. He's like, I also watched deer eat a man. Oh, that rules.

That's sick. The man was already dead, but that's a deer getting its own back. Trying to eat me. I'll eat you. So you can put hooch and make a horse eat a dog. But once you've seen a horse eat a dog, life has changed for you. I won't watch. T-1000 is fine though.

Robot man. T-1000 eats. No, Maximus eats hooch. T-1000 is fine though. Robot man. T-1000 eats, no, Maximus eats Hooch. T-1000 eats Maximus. I'd watch a robot eat a horse. Or maybe he, um, goos at Will and encases Maximus.

Now we have a robot cop horse. And Hooch is also there. A meal for that new being. There's a lot to work with here. It's so hard for Hooch to be eaten by a horse, but I really am. You're a fan of animals eating the wrong animal.

I like it when Mother Nature says, fuck you to Mother Nature. Well, that video of the horse eating a duckling or a chicken or whatever is wholesome if you cut it before it eats it because it looks like the horse is just playing with chickens. With his big lips. He gobbles that baby chicken up so quick. Whee, whee, whee, whee.

And the horse is satisfied. And on that sad note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been also Joel. And that's the food chain, my friends. Sometimes a horse has got to fucking eat a chicken. There's nothing you or anyone can do about it. You're going to put down all the horses?

You can't. You just got to accept nature and let it take its sweet course. Big lips will result in big meals. Sure will. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually

I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsAreDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps! And if you want to support us

head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time Goodnight for now but not forever kisses