Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fantastic Four Member Sucks the Most?

Episode Date: November 22, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like which Fantastic Four member sucks the most? All right, look, it's hard to pick between four duds of which one is the worst. They're all bad, we can agree. You don't want to be any of the Fantastic Four members, but surely one is the worst. Yeah.

So let's just go through, I think, I'm going to put forward, I reckon, probably the suckiest member, Mr. Fantastic, who just isn't at all that fantastic. He stretches. Wow. How useful. I like that, because I thought when we started and you were like, let's go through all of them, that we'd start with the one that the show and the comics is constantly like, this one actually fucking sucks. The other three, they're're sick but the one that eats the most shit is thing but we're like no no no the worst one wrong okay the thing with mr

fantastic is one being stretchy is never going to impress anyone it's it's it's like the least cool feasible power yeah make it look good you can't have like a epic moment when all you're doing is stretching your arms or whatever i have seen and read a comic book where mr fantastic's epic moment has been that he has stretched himself like elastic or like into a ball and bounced around a corridor that ain't cool that makes me sick that literally i'd hit him with a bat and he'd bounce Actually no he wouldn't because he's Stretchy he's not Well he bounces so They make it seem like he's elastic

Would his guts still hurt? I just don't think he's got guts I think it's just a tube It goes mouth tube anus and that's it No because like His power is stretchiness Not like rubber skin Well it's been portrayed as somewhat rubber skin in the past, so...

So if I hit him with a bat in the guts, does his guts go boing, oing, oing, oing, oing, oing? I assume yes. God, I hope so. Well, that sucks shit, too. Okay, I don't know if this is true or not, but I want you to imagine, so you've got, like, say,

two bits of wood or whatever, and they're like, Mr. Fantastic, he's got one hand on one, the other hand on another, and say the thing has grabbed him, pulling him back, and they've put, like, some kind of big arrow in there and shot it. Now, I don't know if that's happened, but can you feasibly picture that? Yeah, absolutely. If you can turn yourself into a bowstring

Is that impressive? No Don't get me wrong If I had to pick a power from the Fantastic Four to have I'd pick Mr. Fantastic But I don't think that makes it good I just want to be able to stick my hand down drains Once again, you're picking from the bottom of the barrel here

And you're like, ah, I guess stretchy it would be cool to be able to stretch my teeth to chew things that are far away yeah hey it's unreal that when you touch me i feel like a fucking tire yeah exactly hey doucher hit me with a bat dude hit me with a bat all right all right all right so i imagine that he had like the texture and say, mouthfeel but fingies of, say, a bouncy ball. You call that just feel, I think. Mouthfeel but fingies. That's feel.

That's the fifth sense, baby. That is touch. One of the big five. You know when you're here with your eyes, you know, and it makes pitches? Mouth feel, but fingies. What's that taste, but for flowers? With your nose?

You know that one? What do you call that bit? You know, you have a big, like, nose taste? You know, you lick with your nose. Yeah. What is that? What is that? Sniff, we call that.

The fourth sense, sniff. I imagine that he would feel a bit like a dolphin to the touch. Oh, no, that's bad, too. Yeah, I just imagine, like, thinking of one of them bouncy balls, but, like, rolled in dirt. Why? Why is he rolled in dirt. Why? Why is he rolled in dirt? I don't know.

He's not clean. I just figured he'd be a bit tacky. Like, he's still got to sweat, right? He is. I mean, they all sweat, which is going to be a gross conversation when we get to the thing. But he definitely has to sweat, yeah? Yeah. Well, and also, he has body hair, so that's also bad.

Because it would be rubber with hair growing out. Oh, yeah. I've seen him with a beard and without a beard, so he has to shave. What's that going to feel like? Like shaving putty? Does he... Yes. No.

It's a safe space, you can say it. It's going to be an insane question. Does his hair stay in the same place? Yes. What? It's not like Lego man hair. I was going to say no. No, I don't mean like Lego man hair.

I mean, if Mr. Fantastic inflated his head to an enormous size, would he be bolder? No. Because the hair is further apart. No. So his hair stretches too. So his hair stretches. Yeah.

That's insane. That means he could just literally rely on stretchy hair and be fine yeah it could be even less cool well no because if he just used his hair that could be a bit medusery yeah not like turning people to stone not the cool part medusa sorry jade i hate to inform you but you are literally describing the inhuman Medusa. Oh, okay, yeah, that's unreal. I was also thinking of Badeline from Celeste. That's a way, way deeper cut.

I reckon I can get deeper. One of the fighters in the anime fighting game Fatal Frame fights with her hair. That's six. So, yeah, there you go. Wow, we've hit the bottom of the barrel of a live hair reference. Good team. So what about if we could, well, how do we kind of like judge of what is least impressive?

Like, you know, if they're there and they do like what do we how do we kind of be like if they saved your life using their power would you be disappointed it wasn't someone with a cooler power yes so with mr fantastic absolutely but there's also like there's nothing he can do that's gonna look cool and like his name's mr fantastic which is also fucking lame ass and i think the comics try and trick you into thinking Mr. Fantastic's power is immense intellect. But no, he already had that. Yeah. The stretchy powers is just like a horrible side effect.

They try and spice him up to be more interesting by making him a cunt. But that's... That's just annoying. Yeah. But look, I mean, to further this, I mean, you've also got, like, say, the Reed Richards of Other Parallel Universe. And again, they maybe tried to make him cool.

But I want to describe this of what they did. And you guys can be the judge if this is actually cooler or not. Okay, I'm going to stop you there. Yeah? If the power is that he used his dick to do a windmill or something, that's sick and cool. Is it that? I agree with you, sir.

I'm going to be very disappointed because as well as being able to be a stretchy boy, they also made his ability to stretch is to also stretch the neural pathways in his brain so that he would become more intelligent. Wow. Shut up, comic books. If I had that ability, I would just fold my brain in on itself. If I had that ability, I would just make it fall down the back of my throat. Oh, yeah, that's good.

No wrinkles. Smooth that bad boy up. Aesthetically pleasing. Smooth your brain. A chicken breast. Yeah, chicken breast up your brain. You pop it off its cortex, or it's the spine. You slide open the back of your head, and you the brain out that's how you do that slop it out onto the back

of the couch tell me if that saved your life you'd be like damn yeah that chicken breast brain man saved my life yeah the way i'd specifically do it would be i'd take the back of the toilet off so that it was just water and in the middle of a shit I'd drop my brain out into the toilet thing and made sure I flushed at the same time. Do you think? Swimming around like a yerk from animals. The references

are coming thick and fast here. That's great. Do you think that this, I don't know why, look it's hot that's the only way I can assume it, but do you know how like I just feel like that if your brain slurped out through your ears, it would feel a bit like a cum, but for your head. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Like the physical sensation of a cum.

For some reason. I don't know why, but I imagine, like... A refreshing cum. Yeah, but, like, temperature-wise as well. Like, a bit refreshing and a bit like, oh, that's nice. I think we're all falling through the trap of imagining a chicken breast from the fridge.

Yeah. A chicken breast from the fridge sliding out of my ears. That's a good shit. Or out of my mouth like a pez. Yeah. Oh, that's real, real bad. In the middle of a conversation with you

I'm like, wait, hold on a second. Let me show you a trick. Shut your brain. And then I just fall face first In the middle of a conversation with you, I'm like, wait, hold on a second. Let me show you a trick. Is that your brain? And then I just fall face first onto the ground. What the fuck is happening? I'm so impressed by that guy. That was cool, though. He's right.

Wow. Well, the way you can save the day is if somehow You're at a bad guy's Headquarters and there was a self-destruct Button and you did that and hit your head On the button as you fell down I thought you were going to say the way you could do that is if your brain Went evil and you had to get it out of your head Really quick

Well yeah if your brain goes evil Don't worry guys That's what happens to Reed Richards so much It's like Reed Richards of 616 Universe. He's like the only good one, and everyone else is evil. So sliding that bad boy out would be very beneficial for the multiverse. Absolutely. Just to make things more confusing,

I think recently Marvel rebranded 616 to be where we currently are. What? What? That can't be right. I don't live in Marvel do you yeah yeah yeah earth earth in our time is i believe has a uh number now it i think it does have a number but i don't think it's 616 maybe 626 anyway i would dispute that claim jake yeah there's a documentary series on disney plus that has dropped recently it sounds like an

ad it's just i remember a thing i briefly looked at and was like wow i have no interest in that and kept going so yeah so reed richards uh not very cool very unimpressive uh if you could maybe spin your big dick around like a helicopter yeah imagine, because imagine you start it like you give yourself like a micro penis and then you start doing the pelvic spins and then as you spin, you stretch it more and more and more so that it becomes like hypnotic to look at and then eventually so big that it hits you in the head. Like a clown.

A little improvement on that, JD, is that I make my hand into a crank and I get you to spin that. Oh, yes. Yeah, that's good. We make it into a bit of a duo act. Jackson, you can play clown music. Yeah, I'll dance like a little, you know, like a dancing monkey at like a pipe organ. That's me.

And I'm like, hey, give us two dollars or whatever. And they're like, no no i've called the police oh i was gonna say imagine this you meet somebody that you'd like to make sweet beautiful love to you invite them back to your house you're like let's get down to business you pull down your pants and oh no you've got a micro penis yeah and they're like oh and then you're like check this out i'm a grower, not a shower. And then, like, what a great, you know, come on. Fill the room with your penis. The entire room. Like, you crush both you and your partner up against windows

and their faces are smooshed to the window and the window cracks and you just keep expanding your penis more and more and more as a great joke. Is this good? Are you horny yet? Or scared? Great joke.

Is this good? Are you horny yet? Or scared? I often heard many women say that the best way to please them is by, if your penis was kind of like a putty filler that you could just inject and it just kind of like make a mold inside. That's what you want from a lover. How much control does, I guess, he have of his little appendages that he's

stretching? Because if he could, like, make his penis into, I guess, not a penis, but many different, like, tendrils that he could kind of, like, play around with. Play around with. Yeah.

You want his dick to extend, and then all of a sudden, the end just split off into like a horrible Stranger Things monster man. Yeah, like a little face sucker, but good. This is getting- I need warning, but- Considering the, uh, crushing someone in a room with your dick and now this, this is getting very Akira. Now imagining docking with Mr. Fantastic and not even being a big deal. crushing someone in a room with your dick and now this. This is getting very Akira.

Now imagining docking with Mr. Fantastic and it not even being a big deal. He stretches his penis into a hand which you could do to a handshake. Time out, time out, Zamet. We spoke over what was the best part of Jackson's sentence. Now I'm thinking about docking with Mr. Fantastic and then we were

like, yes! And he was like, and it's not even a big deal. That's funny. Well, it would be. Yeah, I'm just docking with Mr. Fantastic. It wasn't even hard. This is actually very chill and easy to do. Docking with a regular penis person is scary. That could be one and done.

Yeah, I don't know. Whatever gets stuck in there. But Mr. Fantastic, he can, you know, that's good. He's probably circumcised considering his age. Yeah, that makes sense. But then he could just grow it back. Yeah, I was going to say, but then he could just grow it back. His penis is not, I wouldn't even call it a penis at this point.

It's something other. Because if he grows it back, he has to constantly be stretched in that position. Yeah. Right? Oh, yeah, that's true. That seems like effort on his part. I don't know. But then could he stretch his penis,

like the head of his penis, could he just stretch it to be quite a lot so he's got like a lot of nerve endings there that I guess he'd be having a good time? Ditching the skin and just trying to get the good shit anyway. Like what if you were like shaking Mr. Fantastic's hand and he's like, by the way, I have stretched my penis skin so that it encompasses my whole body.

I'd be like, you are a pervert. I'm like, I hate you, Mr. Fantastic. Don't tell me that. You're the worst. That's when you hit him with the thing and it goes, and he's like, that was good for me. I'm like, damn this pervert. Man, if I was Mr. Fantastic, I would do that,

and then I'd be like a physical crime fighter because you'd just be getting off 24-7. That would rule. That happens in Watchmen, sort of. I'm also going to look at, like, just, like, I guess the ease of which you can become a pervert with these powers. Because Mr. Fantastic is very easy to become a gross pervert. Most perverts aren't cool.

So bringing it back, not all because I consider myself amongst that ranking. You've got to have some good perverts, but by and large most perverts... By and large, this sex pervert is not cool. You've got two circles

that say good and pervert, and in the middle they've touched, and Jackson just wants to be there. I'm the only one. I'm the only good pervert. Cool perverts. Yeah. I think I deal with him in the same way that Rorschach

dealt with that pervert in Watchmen, which is he gets off on getting beaten up, so I just drop him down an elevator shaft. Oh, that is good. All right, we've got to move on. We can't stay all the time on Mr. Fantastic. Okay, so let's give him a 1 to 5 on the nerd cunt

rating. He's a 5. Perfect. He's definitely a 5 there. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, did you know we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take D&D's for Nerds, an actual play Dungeons & Dragons podcast that I'm mostly on.

Never played D&D in your life? Don't worry. Up until we started, I hadn't either. Meticulously edited by yours truly, so you don't have to hear all the faff and math that interrupts a good fantasy story. Each campaign is standalone, and while veteran listeners will pick up characters, events, and places across the seasons, new listeners can start at any adventure. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on iTunes or Spotify, or head to our website, sanspantsradio.com. Next one, let's see, probably one of the, next to the worst powers, the Human Torch.

Oh my god. God, you're always on fire and you can fly. I just think it's so limiting as a power. Like, you're one thing. You can't grow. It can't change. You can't do anything cool with it. You're just, like, on fire.

And the first time, I think there's, like, a big plot point in one of the arcs is that the very first time that Johnny Storm lights up, and so, hang on, also, he says flame on every time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That sucks. Flame on! Flame on! Shut up.

But the very first time he does flame on, he creates like a supernova, or the potential to create a supernova, and that kills a lot of people, and, you know, I'm just putting that out there. He can't even control his flame powers. Yeah, that sucks. Why even say flame on then?

So he flames on and kills people, and that's canon. That is definitely one of the stories I'll say is canon. That sounds vaguely remembering it. There's also a story arc, I think it was written by Chris Claremont, where Reed was getting dumber, which was great. Oh, that is good. That's good. That's taking down a couple of pegs. Yeah, smoothing out that brain.

I know that comic books clearly are not popular at certain points in history because any pitch gets greenlit. But the idea of walking into Marvel and be like, got a great idea for Fantastic Four. Reed's Richards. Clever cunt actually getting dumb. That's good. What do we think? Hey, Marvel Comics. What do you think of Reeds Richards?

Who are you, sir? What if he was a dumb fuck? Is that good? Can I have a comic book now? You were great in the 80s, we get that. But look, now maybe just stop. Just stop. Let's get Youngblood in here.

They can write comics. You don't need this anymore. Reeds Richards is going to open his mouth and his brain is going to come out. It's going to be a chicken breast. Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be cool and he'll look happy about it. Comics are going to be good again. Just you wait. You think about Reed? You think about that brain? They're going to make a movie about that brain. Don't worry.

They're going to call this the golden age of comics again, but good. Just you wait. Just you fucking wait. I think the thing with the with the human torch i mean first of all terrible name baffling name human torch so i have the torch what a fucking idiot but a human the human torch is actually a callback to like an android human torch that fought nazis he's not even a human he He's an android torch. He's not a human or a torch. Shut up!

That's inferior. But also, an android that fought Nazis, that's cool. For sure. You can call that guy whatever you want, I guess. I'd call him cool son of a bitch. Yeah. But yeah, no, the human torch is an atrocious name.

I just think it's boring. It's like a boring power. Amongst the Fantastic Four, everyone got quite interesting powers, whether you think they're cool or not. Torch is an atrocious name. I just think it's boring. It's like, it's like a boring power amongst the fantastic four. Everyone got quite interesting powers, whether you think they're cool or not, except for the human torch who just got fire. Yeah. Like who cares?

It's the most base level bitch power. Nobody wants it. Hot. Well, I guess also because like, you've got to take into consideration the fact that, uh, like this also takes place in the Marvel Universe.

So Pyro is also a fucking guy. I think that's what I kind of mean. Who doesn't have fire powers? Whatever. The thing is with Pyro, though, he doesn't have fire powers. He has control fire powers. So he can make a sweet dog or whatever out of human torch. So if you put Pyro next to the human torch, could he then contort the human torch into sweet, like, basically like balloon animals, but out of like human torch so if you put pyro next to the human torch could he then contort the human

torch into sweet like make basically like balloon animals but out of her man i imagine what would happen is that pyro would just take all of the hot off human torch yeah also if your name is johnny storm keep that and then yeah like that's a way better name than fucking the human torch also it's not like you're wearing a disguise. Just use your fucking name. Who cares? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Your fucking cunt leader's name is Mr. Fantastic,

and you're the Fantastic... Well, look, out of all the people that could kind of, like, hide their identity if they needed to, but the thing with the Fantastic Four is they never did. Basically, from, like, day one, they were like, where are these cunts? So there was no need for any code names and there was no need

to call themselves anything. And like, at least with a human torch, you're like, I guess he's on fire. You can just make your head on fire. People might think he's Ghost Rider. Yeah.

But then you got like Reed Richards. Yeah, or Fist. But then you got Reed Richards who was like, no, no, no, I'm just going to call myself Mr. Fantastic, a pro of nothing.

No one was like, out of nowhere. Why? Why don't you call yourself Stretch Boy? Yeah. Why don't you call yourself Stretch Boy? Yeah Why don't you call yourself the Human Gum or something? Longo

Yeah Alright, that's great Everybody coming out of the rubble Right Longo, Invisible-o, Hard-o, Rock-o Alright To war Anyway, pack your bags

you got the first flight to Vietnam tomorrow yeah we're falling to that pit trap of ragging more on Mr. Fantastic I'm sorry it's a human torch if he saved you would you be happy or would you be singed

I feel I would be on fire I'd be even more scared because i was imagining mr fantastic saving me from a burning building so imagining i'm like the build the fires come to life the fires come to life i know if you're like in a burning building and there's some like fire ghoul that just comes at you i would be scared and a fire ghoul that maybe a satan is at me i don't know probably screaming no i'm a man i'm a man i'm a man i'm be scared and now thinking that maybe a satan is at me i don't know probably screaming no i'm a man i'm a man i'm a man i'm a man and i'm like what what are you saying ah then he burns me so his powers aren't really good for saving people hey they're only good for fighting

other people yeah and if i was in and look and to be honest if i was in a situation where i had to be saved from a burning building yeah and a man who was is is on fire uh not consistently but whenever he wants to be on fire saves me i would be immediately i would be like oh why were you here near a burning building burning man on fire even if he even if he didn't think he said it you gotta kind of be like you know mostly fire like firemen don't put more fire in the building yeah that's true yeah here's you burning more buildings so yeah there's a lot of stuff like he also when he's fully on fire he looks like a fucking idiot um like i think that he thinks he looks cool but no he looks real dumb the fact

that he has the al flame on, that sucks so much shit. Does he have to, or does he just do it? Well, either way is bad. Actually, he wouldn't have to, because that would mean that the space gas or whatever that got him was like, you have to say flame on. I think he Pavlov'd himself. Oh, yeah, that's fair enough. I bet you're right. Well, he's not cool.

Yeah, he looks like such a fucking idiot. God damn, look at him right now. He's meant to be the cool bad boy, but when he uses his powers, he looks so stupid. Yeah. Oh, God. Let me show you this picture of him. It's real bad.

Hang on. This is your favorite thing to do, just to drop a picture in the Zoom chat. Yeah, it is my favorite thing to do, just to drop a picture in the Zoom chat. Yeah, it is my favorite thing to do. This is basically my hobby. Look at that image, though. He looks like a... So to describe what you've just said to us, he looks like a caveman, but red.

To me, he looks like if you took all Mr. Clean's skin and clothes off and just left him with organs, that be it now zamit's joined the party and sent a link to the human torch android whoa he looks cool see that's the original human torch who was an android and look he looks like a spooky fire ghoul yeah yeah that rolls man and if you look down if you scroll down on the human torch android wikipedia page to the comics in where under publication history this one where he's just like coming out of of i don't fucking know what a bomb and a guy is shooting him but it's clear that it's not gonna work and the oh my god it looks badass i'll say right so this is like you know you you find out so you've got like a cool superhero over there

and his name's like the human torch and you're like man that guy was cool i'm gonna try and like steal his name and do that yeah and you're just a big utter tosser yeah johnny storm i it just it makes it even more lame yeah yeah yeah for sure like robots have like kind of a head or androids have like a head start with like kind of weird shit because they're like androids so like. So if an android's calling themselves a human torch, you're like, oh, that's a weird threatening aura because you're not human. Yeah, true. That's a bit hectic. Why are you saying that?

And when an android on fire is coming to save me, I need that fear because that's what the android wants, and that's what an android calls. Very true. I might get singed and burnt, but the android doesn't care. Because Johnny Storm is human. He knows what being on fire and burnt, but the android doesn't care. Johnny Storm is human. He knows what being on fire and burnt was like. And now he's coming at me being like, I'll save you.

Yeah. I thought, Samit, you meant like the android, it doesn't matter if it singes you because the android doesn't care for human life. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's also true. You're like, the android doesn't care if I live or die. That's cool.

It is. It's doing it because it feels it needs to or some reason, whereas Johnny Storm is trying. We can say why. Who knows? And that makes it interesting and a little bit hot, whereas Johnny Storm is trying to be altruistic or whatever. And I'm not here for that.

Horny for a robot. Interesting. Anyway, something that's also very interesting, and immediately if I was living in the city of i guess new york i don't know what fantastic for save and i honestly frankly do not care to learn uh yeah so i got it off the bat without knowing that's good i learned without learning guest um and i'll forget immediately if that was right anyway so mad thinker which is the dumbest name uh brought back the original human torch he's a mad thinker damn this guy this guy fucking thinks holy shit uh i read that page that i got this story i'm about to say about four times to make sure that i wasn't misreading and that it

wasn't the tinkerer but no it's mad thinker brought back the original human torch to fight the fantastic four so if you lived in new york and then you saw that happen you'd be like wait you named yourself after this guy that sucks oh man i hope the fantastic four lost me too yeah i'm like i hope that guy dies out there today i hope a human life disappears that would be good on an Android with also it's just another fucking stupid example of villains in the Marvel universe not thinking properly because I've just brought back a fire guy to fight a fire guy nothing's gonna happen unless your plan is to burn down New York City which case right but also not not I mean cuz like New York City is mostly made of stone and metal you kind

of want you're like okay we're gonna go to a wooden like one of those you know those towns that are set up to look like the old west uh yeah yeah frontiers the frontier we have one in like like ballarat like gold rush town or whatever it's called. Although, I like Douche's strategy of opening a portal to the actual frontier. Yeah. And being like, fighting here and erasing human history that way. Yeah, that's better. Anyway, five out of five on the nerd cunt scale. Let's move on.

Okay, let's see. Sue Storm, aka Invisible Lady or Invisible Woman. Well, this one's easy. She's invisible, can't see her, can't judge her. Next one, the thing. Don't know where she is. How am I meant to... I saw a lady and now she's gone. How am I meant to critique that, Zabit?

Yeah, I can't. My hands are fucking tied. I can't just look outside and be like, oh, maybe there's a lady there I'm gonna make fun of her No because then I'm the idiot If you're standing there making fun of nothing You're the idiot You're a 5 out of 5 on the nerd cunt scale

Because you're yelling at fresh air That's true So yeah you can't really judge what you can't see Good point But now we have to say I'd argue, maybe the best power set of the Fantastic Four, the Thing. Yeah.

He's rocks. That's cool. He's rocks. He's rocks. He's got to get special clothes made because he's of an inhuman shape. And that keeps tailors in business. So that's cool. There's nothing cooler than your own tailored suit.

Yeah. There's nothing cooler than your own tailored suit Unlike the human torture situation Where there is a lot of fire guys in the MCU I keep saying MCU Outside of cinema The MU The MU The MU I think it's the MCBU The Marvel Comic Book Universe

The Mookaboo I think it's important for the listeners to know every time i mean mcu the c stands for everything marvel's everything universe anyway sure uh so there's heaps of hot guys in uh the marvel whatever i just said yeah yeah so lots of fire lots of fire fellas and like there's lots of strong guys but the thing doesn't do the same thing as human torch and just has exactly the same powers of everyone else sure the thing is kind of like the hulk except it'd be like the hulk if the hulk stayed the hulk the whole time and his rocks which i would say is a totally different thing absolutely yeah for sure for sure his head is flat that's

unreal he has giant like bushy eyebrows that are just rocks. Yeah, the cosmic forces were like, we got to make his eyebrows part of his new design. That rules. They're like, all right, we're making a horrible monster man. And they're like, well, he's got to be able to be expressive. He's got to be able to raise his eyebrows in shock. We need that. He often wears, like, little short shorts.

That's pretty neat. They're blue. And look, I think that's, like's a lovely flattering color for the Thing. I think also quite often we make fun of the Thing, or at least we have in the past, for calling himself the Thing. But when you compare that to everyone else's superhero names, you're like, he embraced the idea that he was a monster man, and he just went for the Thing.

Look, I think that if he'd kept his name Ben Grimm, that would have been a lot cooler. But still. Now I've just linked another image of the thing in the Zoom chat. And if you look at that, there he is. And he's got little blue trunks. And then if you kind of scroll over to maybe like the fourth image of this, he's there.

He's wearing uniforms, which he rejects and rips off because he does not want to be hidden away. He's not ashamed of who he is, unlike, say, the other three members. Yeah, so the panel you've sent us is the thing tearing out of what is typically associated with Mr. Fantastic's uniform. And he's saying, you stay hidden, Sue, in case we need you. As for me, I'm getting out of this monkey suit so I can move. And he's tearing it open like the same way that Superman,

the same way that Clark Kent. There's a man who realizes the restrictiveness of clothing and says, no, not for me. I need to be able to bend and move. Zamit, this feels like the perfect time to reveal something that we've known this whole time that our listeners haven't and maybe a reason why you're very, very drawn to the thing currently, tearing out of his clothes and being like, I'm too hot and restricted.

Zamit, it's 34 degrees today. How are you currently recording? Mostly nude. It's hot. I have a pair of headphones on and glasses. How are you currently recording? thinking about. I'll be right. Sweaty. I'm going to turn off the fan because the office chair is leather. I'm not happy about so I have to sit forward or else I stick. Taint to leather. That's powerful.

Is that how it works? Is the taint... How up is the taint? That's a great question. Oh no. I just went to sit properly. No, taint is on. Yeah, yeah. Okay. No, I just needed to check. I forgot what my taint went to sit properly. No, taint is on. Yeah, yeah. Okay. No, I just needed to check.

I forgot what my taint was. Go on. No, that's fair enough. Sometimes they all do. Anyway, so yeah, the Thing often is made fun of and I guess has the worst, most cursed existence, but every superhero has a cursed existence. Yeah. The fact that he's leaning in is actually cool. He's owning what is-

Like reclaiming what is awful about everything. And imagine if you were being saved by the Thing. You'd be like, you're that rock guy. That's sick. There's walls. And imagine if you were being saved by the thing. You'd be like, you're that rock guy. There's walls. And then he'd cradle you like a big baby. Yeah. Of all of the Fantastic Four members, if they were coming into a building that was on fire,

if it's Mr. Fantastic, terrifying. Because it's those snaky Mr. Fantastic arms. And I'm like, oh, no. Is this God? Is this what dying is? If it's a human torch, it's just like's just like oh no some kind of fire ghoul yeah it's the invisible woman i don't know what's happening again i'm like is this what dying is because i'm just getting picked up by nothing but if it's the thing he smashes open like a door or a wall at first i'm like ah but then i'm like no i get it he's a

rock man then he picks me up takes me he's got nothing to do with the burning building you know what i mean yeah it's so obvious he's there to save me which is not true for any of the other members exactly i might think that maybe it was the city rising up in rock form to save me a special boy yeah yeah you're the chosen one zamit yeah i would assume that new y chose me, and I would wish it well. I might even start calling Thing just New York man. Yeah, it's great to imagine Bad Grub picking you up and you being like, New York, is that you?

And Bad Grub being like, what, what? Oh, you've heard me talk to you, New York. I love you. And also, we made fun of the Flame on thing before and obviously like thing has one too but things fucking rules being like rolling into a fight and being like it's clobbering time that's unreal that is the sickest and that's what's great about ben grim every problem for him is solved by clobbering time yeah and you ask him and it's great because it's always clobbering time for ben he doesn't need a clock you know him and it's great because it's always clobbering time for

ben he doesn't need a clock no you know what time it is the only thing that would make van grum better is if he had a watch on his wrist and instead of numbers it just had the word clobbering 12 times like and look if you're gonna roll into like what is a problem that can't be solved by clobbering nothing you're burning building you into fire, what is a problem that can't be solved by clobbering? Nothing. You're burning building. You just clobber the building. Sorted. Yeah.

Clobber the fire. Yeah, absolutely. Clobber your problems. Clobber your damn problems. That's it. So I think at the end of the day, that while, say, Johnny Storm and Reed Richards suck ass, Sue Storm, we just can't see.

Who can say? It's impossible to say. I think we can all agree on that the thing, he rules. Imagine if the other members of the Fantastic Four got hit by a train, and we just got Ben Grimm comics from now on. That would be sick as hell.

Make him a detective who loves to clobber. Great. Comic books are good again, finally. Yeah, it's the golden age of comic books too, but good this time. Yeah. On the nerd cunt scale. He's a one. He's a one.

He doesn't even register. No, no, no. He's not even a zero. He's not on the scale. He's a sweet cunt. I'm so sorry to inform you this, but it's a scale and everyone fucking fits on it. So it's a one. He's a one, but that's very low.

We'd probably be twos. And on that note, I've been probably a five. No, I'll accept my two. That checks out. And I've been a one and a half. He tricked us. Yeah, I do That's what got me

The lowest point I'm wily Clever Think on my feet Rude to my friends The coolest thing Thanks for listening If you want to help

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