Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fantasy Creature Would Make the Best Pet? (Feat. Adam)

Episode Date: April 16, 2017

In which our heroes go to the fantasy equivelent of a rescue shelter, pick out a new companion and ask the clerk if there’s any special dietry requirements as we try and work out which fantasy creature would make the best pet?Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for the Sydney Comedy Fest and Brisbane show right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. I don't really care for pandas. Hey everyone, a few announcements to get through. First off is that we're going to be performing at the Sydney Comedy Fest with a couple of special guests on the 6th and 7th of May. And then we'll be heading up to Brisbane a few weeks later on Friday the 26th to experience the Sunshine State. Just head to sandspantsradio.com slash live to purchase your tickets. Also,

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bonus content in the future. The first is titled The Plumbing Boys Play Slash Ruin Sunless Citadel, as well as suggest a topic for any of the shows in the Sans Pants Network. And for $25 a month, you get to suggest an NPC for Adam to use in future campaigns and a D&Ds for Nerds season pass, which means as soon as we have a campaign ready, you'll be the first ones to hear it in its entirety. Just head to sanspantsplus.com and sign up today. Hey, everybody. Welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star,

where we ask the important questions like, which fantasy creature would make the best pet? now to clarify this is a patreon question so we're not exactly sure if he means fantasy as in like which harry potter monster or like you know a gremlin so what we're doing instead because we've got our good friend adam over here to grab his monster manual and we're just gonna he's gonna flick through it and we're gonna tell him to stop and we're gonna see how good that that thing comes up on the pet-o-meter why don't we do like a like a like how many pages are in the monster manual adam uh tell us that because flicking through is gonna be hard complicated because like it's not that complicated you just find the number at the bottom of the page.

I think flicking is fine. We'll see if we encounter it as a problem then later. Okay. So in total, there are 352 pages. Just say somewhere in there, Adam's got to find it. Whatever pet's on there, first pet, that's the one. All right. Okay.

And I think to make best pet, what makes a good pet is a good quest. Three factors. First off. Yep. How fun is it to walk? How fun to walk. How fun to walk. That's fair.

Second one. Yep. How much of a hassle is it to look after? Yeah, that's true. How much of a hassle is it to look after? And good with kids for the number three. Is it good with kids? That's important.

Good with kids. It's fine. No, no, it's fine. Good with the whole family. Yeah. I think is a better one. Kids slash fans. You want man

and you want little Tucker. I would say how well like training it where does that fall under or would that just be like I feel like that falls

under hassle of keeping it. So I'd be like how easy is it to train? Yeah. It's almost a separate entity of itself. Well, we'll do four four things then.

Or nix one of them whatever. One of them is obviously not as good as the rest. I know we'll do four things then. Or nix one of them, whatever. One of them is obviously not as good as the rest. I know, I know, I know. You wanted three criteria, and I'm opening up to a bit more. I desperately wanted three criteria. I was like, three criteria!

Not one more. The fifth and last criteria is petability, as in how good is it to put my hand all over its face jowls back? That's fair. All right. Okay, how petable is our pet? Oh, this is going to be interesting.

Okay, so let's start. I'll choose a page number of 116. Ancient silver dragon. Okay. Ancient silver dragon. It's gargantuan size. So just give us a spark note of an ancient silver dragon. Gargantuan sized So just give us a spark note To an ancient silver dragon

Gargantuan sized So To do it from Wingspan Yep Is probably the size of like a 747 So like a large passenger jet

Actually just imagine a large passenger jet That's smaller than I was thinking To be honest That's pretty good You said gargantuan So that's alright Okay so And silver Has it got anything we should know about it Anything specifically Well it's lawful good So it's not going to try to be honest. That's pretty good. You said gargantuan, so that's alright. Okay, so, and silver,

has it got anything we should know about it, anything specifically? Well, it's lawful good, so it's not going to try to kill you the second it sees you. That's good.

Hey, that's pretty good. Yeah. I feel like as a lawful good creature it might put me up to like high standards. Well, I feel like it's got, I mean it's,

oh, it's smarter than you. It's wiser than you. It's more charismatic. Shit. You really should be its pet, to be honest But somehow it's your pet

So silver dragons believe that Living a moral life, doing good deeds And ensuring that one's actions cause no Undeserved harm to other sentient beings Okay They're friends of the small races Hey that's good I consider myself a small race

Silver dragons enjoy the company of other silver dragons Their only true friendships outside of their own kin Arise from the company of humanoids Hey, we're a humanoid I'm a humanoid as well, fuck They will often spend as much time in humanoid form As draconic form Oh, we can make him a human lad

Respect for humanity Now that's weird that we've got him as a pet Silver dragons profane humans, ball racers They love to possess relics of human history. Oh, that's good. We can teach this pet about history. Yeah, that's good. All right, so what are our criteria?

With a plus eight to history, it probably knows more about human history than you do. Well, then it'll be teaching us, and that's pretty good. Okay, so how fun is it to walk a gigantic dragon? I'm saying pretty fun. It'd be fun, but again... Not terribly practical. Is he walking us or are we walking him?

You take the silver dragon to the dog park and it eats not only the other dogs, but the other owners. With a constitution of 29, I'm pretty... It needs a lot of walks, more than what we can accompany for it. Oh, okay. I feel like it's going to be going for... And also... It's going to get very bored.

It's kind of like a cat. You know what I mean? It's going to be like, this is where you walk, and then he's just going to fly up, and we're not going to see him for a bit, and then he might have a second family. Yeah, I was going to say, we find out he's going to another family. Potentially self-walking, though.

That's good. But self-walking, that's all right. But I think he's... Like cats, it's going to have several families. And I'm going to be a little bit jealous. And you can't really keep that cooped up in your backyard. No, no, no. It's just not practical.

There's literally no way... Your property is not big enough to accommodate what it is. You see, like, it's just perched on the roof, just caving it in like cats. That's our pet. There goes my bond. Can it talk? Yeah, absolutely.

It knows more languages than you do. Once again, this dragon is objectively better than us in every measurable way. So how fun is it to walk? I'm going to say not very, because either we're missing out on taking it for a walk, it walks itself, or we go for a walk and it's one step, I have to run a city block.

Yeah. I'm going to say not very fun. Not very fun. So, no, thank you. Hassle to look after. It's going to eat a lot, but it's going to sort that out itself. Presumably. It's going to shit a lot.

Oh, it's not sorting that out. Hey, is dragon poop valuable? I don't know. Do you know a wizard? No. No. But, like, manure's good, yeah? Well, yeah.

Sell it to a farm, I suppose. I feel that this is a pet that we have to move to a farm. Yeah. Because we're not just adding to the hassle. Oh, if you own it, you own its hoard. Hey. However. Millionaire. We're getting to the hassle. We're going to have to- If you own it, you own its hoard. Hey. However- Millionaire.

But we'd also have to perhaps own a farm so that we can tend to sheep so that we have a food source. That's a lot of hassle. Well, I don't like that if this dragon is our pet, but we can't enter a dialogue where we're like, look, mate, you could eat the sheep. We don't have to sort this out for you. Yeah. You know, like Khaleesi's one eats the sheep and it's fine. Yeah, but if it's a pet and then it goes off and eats, say, our neighbour's sheep, our neighbours are going to be mad at us.

They're going to be like, come get us. We've got to drag. But it's lawful good. He'd want us to pay for it. Oh, God. It can change the weather. Hey, always sunny. That's pretty good.

We end up with a good farm, I guess. Actually, fuck, he'd be good on a farm. Hey, we need. That's pretty good. We end up with a good farm, I guess. Actually, fuck, he'd be good on a farm. Hey, we need his crops watered. Done. That's a strange voice. That was the noise of the magic. Yeah, the magic and him, like, flapping his wings. Yeah, no, I'm with you.

Like a cat or a dog. Thanks, Henry. I named him Henry. Yeah, well, he needed one. I mean, I'm sure he has a name, but Henry will do it. Henry, sure. It's your pet. You get to name it. Yes! Henry Zammett. Henry Zammett. Oh, I want to see that on, like, the dog birth certificate thing.

Reed. Dragon. Silver. So what are we saying in terms of maintenance? He's a hassle. A trip to the vet is a big deal. And if he doesn't want to go, I'm not making him. You've got to get a vet to come to you. Oh, no, wait.

Don't some vets, you know, for larger animals, they'll go outside? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll probably end up getting a horse doctor. And also, if Henry doesn't like the vet, that's going to be a hassle. Because if Henry does something, if I want him to do something that he doesn't want to do, it's not getting done. You cannot train Henry. You can't pick Henry up and put him in the bath like you can with Melody.

No, I cannot. Washing Henry is an ordeal. Yeah. It's days long. It's days long. I'm like, Henry, can you just go to the ocean and have a dip? You are a cognizant being, Henry. Yeah, you'd take Henry to the ocean and be like, we're playing in the water, I guess.

Yeah, so... Not great. He causes a lot of hassles. He fixes some hassles. Yeah. But I think he's causing a lot of hassles. Because, again, he'd be good on a farm, but then we'd have to go to a farm and run a farm.

Instantly, we're buying money. We're spending money for a pet. What's his hoard? What is his hoard? Well, it says that he'd like to collect human history, so it would collect probably ancient, valuable artifacts. Antiques. Antiques, yeah.

But we can't sell them. I think they'd also collect some basic gems and gold and stuff like that. Yeah, but then we can't sell them because he'd be like, my hoard. Yeah, he'd be mad. He's too cognizant. I don't like it. Yeah, yeah. All right. Pretty low too cognizant. I don't like it. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Pretty low on the hassle. Pretty high on the hassle. Pretty high on the hassle. I'm bad to walk. All right, good with kids and the fam. Yeah, like pretty good with kids. He's lawful good. He's nice.

He cares about humanity. The only reason he wouldn't be good with kids is because he might squish them because he's big. That's true, but he's lawful good, so I feel he wouldn't. Yeah, he'd make an effort to not. I think that's pretty high. I think he's pretty good with the kids, actually. Yeah, yeah. Plus,'s lawful good, so I feel he wouldn't. Yeah, he'd make an effort to not. I think that's pretty high. I think he's pretty good with the kids, actually.

Yeah, yeah. Plus, you've got to pick your kids up from the school. Just send Henry. Yeah, true. It's not that far for him. Yeah. Plus, again, you could be like Henry. Although, would the school allow that?

How are they going to stop it? Fair call. Yeah. Fair call. Maybe you have to pay a lot of fines. The downside of Henry is that the government might get involved Because I'm assuming it's taking place just in our world Yeah yeah yeah

That's kind of got to be part of it Otherwise it's not quite the same So yeah the government might get us Hard to hide Impossible to hide But he just transforms into a lad And then they're just like well who is this dependent Then we've got the fucking tax man on our ass He transforms into a lad. Yeah. And then they're just like, well, who is this dependent? Like, ah, shit.

He's just a guy. Then we've got the fucking tax man on our ass. He transforms into a lot of things. Oh, that's all right then. Just prefers humanoids. If he can transform into a dog, then this is cheating. Yes. Fair call.

Fair call. I'll say it now. Nah, fair. He's like, he can, but it's a hassle. It's more of a trick. Maladie, our pup, we like Maladie sit, shake, she shakes. Yeah. So that's the same kind of thing. Henry turned to a's more of a trick. Maladie, our pup, we like Maladie sit, shake, she shakes. Yeah.

So that's the same kind of thing. Henry turned to a lad. A common man. He turns to a lad and he's like, there you go. And then off he goes to pie. Yeah, it's good. It's good. All right. All right.

So I guess he's good with the fam, good with the kids. How easy to train? Smarter than you. Very easy to train. Yeah, but that's not training. That's more of this like. It's a discussion. Yeah, it's a discussion.

It's not training. It's just being like, hey, Henry a discussion. Yeah, it's a discussion. It's not training. It's just being like, hey, Henry, do you think you could sit? And he's like, yeah, I guess I could. And then he sits. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. Good work. Do you want a sheep?

And he's like, I'd love one. There you go. I'll get one myself. You're like, that's fair. Trying to have the sheep to throw it up. Wait. Wait. You got to put the sheep on Henry's nose.

Yeah. Wait. See how many you can to put the sheep on Henry's nose. Yeah. Wait. See how many you can stack on top of one another? I imagine they're still alive. Is Henry big enough that you could just have sheep wandering around on his head? I reckon so. Probably, yeah. That's ridiculous.

Well, he's a trained, like, technically yes, but actually no. It doesn't feel earned. It's not training. It's like me training Jack. Yeah, exactly. If you wanted to go specifically by D&D rules, because of his intelligence level, he can't learn tricks. You can't teach

something that intelligent tricks. Exactly. So I think low on the training front. And how? Final? How? Petability. Pretty petable. Scales. Can I have a look at it? Look at our new pet?

Give it here. I would say no, it's a dragon. I feel it would be the same as petting a snake. Exactly. I think petting a snake, petting a... Oh, I like petting snakes. Yeah, I like petting snakes too. But I can't go up to a snake and have a good snooze and cuddle with it.

No, it's certainly not a lap dog. We were at the dog park today, and we knew that big horse-like dog and we got around his big old neck and jowls and we're getting in there and that felt good. That's like, that to me is high petability. I don't know why I could do that with this dragon. I think that the only reason his petability is low is because he's big. When you're petting him, you're just petting like a patch of skin.

You know what I mean? You don't get head or leg, you just get like... I think that benefits and negatives kind of outweigh each other. I'd say medium. I would say quite low, but I'm happy to give it a half petability, alright? So, that's a 1.5. Out of a possible 4

for our dragon. That's pretty low. So, I think the dragon, not the best pet. No. Okay, next pet. All right, Adam, I don't want to pick a number. Can you just, like, you know, like, ruffle through the pages, and I'll say when.

When. Left or right page. Right. An animated suit of armor. All right. Goodness gracious me. How an animated suit of armor. All right. Okay gracious me. How an animated suit of armor. Okay, give us a bit of the

spark notes on him. This empty steel shell clamors as it moves. Heavy plates banging and grinding against one another like the vengeful spirit of a fallen knight. Ponderous but persistent, this magical guardian

is almost always a suit of plate armor to add to its menace it has menace the animated armor is frequently enchanted with scripture speak so the armor can utter warnings demand passwords or deliver riddles

okay good tricks rare suits of animated armor are able to carry on an actual conversation. That's all right. Okay, well, I think for the sake of argument, let's assume ours can't. Yeah, we've got the common one. Yeah. We couldn't shell out for the purebred.

Jackus is yours. One other thing to consider. Does not require to be fed or watered. That's good. I'm going to call him Jeffers. Jeffers. Okay, so let's talk about Jeffers. All right, taking Jeffers for a walk.

Yeah, there he is. Look at Jeffers go. Oh, he's just a suit of armor. I reckon Jeffers, we could take him for a walk easy. Oh, yeah. Jeffers is great for walking. Because put a lead on him,

it'd be like a heavy lead, but like a lead. And also like Jeffers doesn't seem... Like he's not going to chase a cat. He might ask a cat a riddle, but but like he might stop at someone's yard pulling at the lead like echoing through the teeny armor for some reason it's on me these riddles three so i reckon back jeff is good for walks oh spectacular, spectacular. Like, you know, and he needs us to walk him. Oh, yeah.

Otherwise, he'd just be going on basically a patrol. Which would be kind of good, I guess, and useful. But I think he needs us to go for walkies. Yeah, and I think it's just good to get a suit of armor like that out and about. Yeah. Get his joints oiled. Yeah, like, I feel like otherwise he's good. I don't think it needs walks.

You don't? I feel like for maintenance-wise, I feel like if he's... I don't think it needs walks. You don't? I feel like for maintenance-wise, I feel like if he's not moving, he's going to just rust up. He's going to stiffen up, yeah. Well, maybe. I think that could be fixed with oiling, but sure. Potentially, but that comes under hassle to look after.

Yeah. He's going to need a lot of oiling. I think... But it doesn't need to be fed or watered. Exactly. Which is really good. We'll get to that when we come back. I think it's good for walks.

I reckon good for walks. Plus, as like, you know, if you're out at night, and you're kind of scared of what's going on. A big dog is good sometimes for those young hooligans. Imagine how good... No one's going to attack you with... What's his name? Jeffers.

And also with Jeffers, if he's my pet, we can clamber inside. Problem is, no one would. Yes. But if someone did try to step up to you, Jeffers has no... Jeffers isn't like, they're going to die. They're going to die. What if Jeffers is going to kill them?

Damn, Jeffers. Damn, damn boy. Can we hold him? Can we hold him back? Strength 14. Yeah. So human average is 10. Human, like... Damn, boy. Can we hold him? Can we hold him back? Strength 14. Yeah. So. Yeah. Human average is 10.

Human, like. So we would need to work out. Limit is 18. It's strong. It's pretty strong. A decent amount. Okay. Maybe if we got Jeffers from a young age. Can we get, like, a choke chain?

Yeah. Well, a choke chain means nothing to Jeffers. Now get a harness. One of them, like. He doesn't have a neck. Yeah. Can we get a magical choke chain? A silver one. It doesn't need to be. Ghosts say it's silver. It's not a silver. He doesn't have a neck. Yeah. Can we get a magical choke chain? A silver one.

It doesn't need to be. Ghost take silver. It's not a ghost. Damn. It's magically animated armor. It does not need to breathe anyway, so a choke chain is irrelevant. Also, I get it if it's our pet. If we're yanking back, it might know to not arc up.

But then again, this comes down to how easy is it to train. Intelligence one, it would be difficult to train, actually. How many tricks can that be taught? I think with intelligence one, actually zero. Damn. Or maybe two. I think it knows it can learn two or zero. I forget.

Sit, stand up. Yep, there we go. Two. So he's still mauling the guy. Well done, Jack. Yeah. Why stand up? Why is that a trick?

He's going to come anyway. Once he's sat down, how do we get him up again? Come on Sit and come Yeah, that's a good one Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Or just heal and follow Heal and follow is good

So there we go Shake Heal? Heal Shake? Look, I reckon that'd be a roll at disadvantage No, alright, yeah, no, I remember It's intelligence one is two. Intelligence 1 is 2 tricks.

Intelligence 2 is 5 tricks. So we can heal. Heal, heal. We can stop him attacking. I feel like we're going to need him to heal more than we're going to need him to shake. Yeah, no, fair. Anyway, so going for a walk,

I still think it's good. Yeah, me too. That's a walkable pet. Jeffers is good to walk. That's one point. What's the next question? Hassle to look after. Easy. Just polish him every now and then. Polish him the next question? Hassle to look after. Easy.

Just polish him up. A bit of oil. No food. Don't have to pick up his poop. He's pretty much the ideal pet. He's like a pet rock that I can walk. He's great. He's hassle free.

In terms of maintenance, it's like nothing. Hassle bloody free. Kids. Good with kids in the fam. No. No. Yeah, no. Probably not. Yelling riddles at Nan. Kids, good with kids in the fam No Yeah, no, probably not

Yelling riddles at Nan If Nan doesn't answer the riddle Crushes Nan's head maybe Maybe a good learning thing For like kids Because it teaches you riddles Maybe But is it more like I'm cooking the chicken in the kitchen on Christmas

And then I hear from the lounge room Stephanie, answer me these riddles three. I feel like because if we're saying it doesn't know actual conversation, then it maybe knows those three riddles. Once the kid knows those three riddles,

well, it's probably safe because it's not going to crush its head anymore. Which is good. But also, it's not learning. That is good to learn those riddles, though. So he's like, answer me this. You're like, it's teeth. Stephanie, it's teeth.

Teeth, air, and... Eggs. Eggs. It's always eggs. So I think good with kids fan. Not really. Not really. I think.

I'd call that a no. Yeah, I'd call that a no as well. How easy to train. So we've got two tricks. But also, like, I don't know. It seems I'd call that a no as well. How easy is to train? So we've got two tricks. But also, like, I don't know, it seems like it has its own business already going. It's giving out riddles and looking for passwords.

It's pretty... If someone doesn't get the riddle right, you need to call heal every time. Yeah. I personally don't think it's easy to train. I think it's going to be a bit of a hassle to kind of coerce him to doing a lot of stuff. And plus, as you said, you only got two tricks. That's not a lot. Heal, heal, heal.

Don't kill. Don't kill. Don't kill. Don't kill. Oh my god, oh my god. Ah, Jeffers. Ah, Jeffers. Yeah. And if Jeffers does chase a cat, good luck us stopping him.

Oh, we just can't. He'll kill that cat. And also, yeah, you can learn two tricks, but there's other stuff that goes into training that's not necessarily tricks. Like, what if Jeff is trying to climb in your lap? Crush you, you know? You need that, like, the boundaries. You need to be the alpha.

There's a lot of spikes on that armor. It's not a cuddly. I would say not very. I wouldn't even give it a half. I would say not very easy. Yeah. Not very easy. And now, last one, and I think we've already answered this, but how pet it a half. I would say not very easy. Yeah. Not very easy. And now, last one,

and I think we've already answered this, but how petability... It's metal and it's got spikes. No, super petable. No, because, guys... You're out of your... Go your work, here. Imagine grabbing the armor and being like...

No. Grabbing the plates. Grabbing his helmet, spinning it in place. No. No, no, no. Look, I think it's... Plus, if it hasn't been polished, it's going to be hard and rough and rusty.

I guess. So, polish it. Yeah, but there's spikes. You'd cut yourself all the time on Jeffers. You'd cut yourself on Jeffers. Jeffers. Like, imagine if Jeffers bounds up to you and sits on your lap

and you get a spike in your eye. All right, imagine this. You ever been clawed by Melody's long nails? Yeah. Imagine that, but, like, tenfold and all over its body. I guess, I guess. All right. Imagine this. You ever been clawed by Melody's long nails? Yeah. Imagine that, but like tenfold and all over its body. I guess. I guess. All right.

Fine. Yeah. So, unfortunately, Jeffers, our animated armor, only gets a two. Better than a dragon. Somehow. Better than a dragon. Weirdly. All right, Adam.

Page 50. Let's go. Solid 50. And here we have encountered a problem. Pick another page. 51. Another page. 60. Jack's go solid 50. And here we have encountered a problem. Pick another page. 51. Another page. 60.

Jack's going to like this. A hers-roo. A hers-roo. It's a large fiend, a demon. Oh, yeah. Give us a look-see. Oh! Give me the book.

Oh, petability up the wazoo. See, they're like... I don't know about that. Okay. Kind of looks like a spike frog. Yeah. Like a spiky frog. How do you spell it for those playing at home?

H-E-Z-R-O-U. There you go. Hezru. Hezru. I like his name. Okay. You can name him. I named the other one.

All right. I like him. Chaotic evil. Might be a problem. Definitely a problem. a problem expensive sandwich his name is expensive sandwich yes no that's good all right so some things to know about expensive sandwich large so it's physically a lot larger than either of us how big uh imagine a horse standing up oh god strength 19 wait a horse standing up on Oh, gosh. Strength 19. Wait, a horse standing up on its hind legs?

Yes. Well, that's pretty big. Yeah. That's just gross to imagine. Strength 19. So, actually, we just can't hold it back if it wants to run away. Okay. That's not good.

Stench. Uh-oh. That sounds like a hassle. It poisons anything that comes within 10 feet of it. Including us as its owners that it loves? I don't think it loves us. I think it does. Let's say the scenario is we found...

It's telepathic up to 120 feet. We found an expensive sandwich while it was very young. So it loves us. I don't think it matters, though. It imprinted. It can't turn that ability off. Okay, so let's go through. Anything else about it?

Well, like I said, it's telepathic. That's not good. It's not the worst. Can it talk? We got another talking? I don't know what my... It can talk, but probably not any language we understand. Demonic.

Something like that. That's fine. You need to go outside. Oh, yeah. It's going to be scratching at the windows. You can see in the dark. Okay. That's good.

I mean, I can't see in the dark, so I guess that's useful. All right. So. All right. Fun to go for a walk. Not very. No. It will poison everything.

No. And then read everyone's minds. Everyone's in pain. Just not fun. Take it to the dog park and everyone dies. Oh, sorry, there is some other stuff. It is weak-minded and can be easily duped into sacrificing itself by more powerful demons.

We are not more powerful demons. I'm going to take that as easy to train. Well, yeah, I'd say it's probably easy to train all right so with an intelligence of five it cannot learn tricks so going for a walk is right out yeah uh that's not happening this is an exotic pest that we keep in a cage yeah this is the kind of thing that probably if you take it for a walk it's like the lead is not a rope or a chain the lead is like a pole used so that it cannot get close to you. Yeah, so this is more like one of them exotic pets, kind of like

if we owned a cobra. Yeah. So I would say going for a walk are no thanks. Just nil. Hassle to look after? I guess if we have like a specific cage for it, like, you know, if you can. Yeah, if you own a cobra or whatever. I reckon I... Why don't you take it into consideration hassle-free?

But I don't know what it eats. I don't know what it needs. Well, I'm assuming the store that we bought it from would be like feed it the souls of the innocents. I think it just eats. Like just anything? So long as it's living. Oh, okay.

Well, that's easy then. Probably not a herbivore though. I feel this is like owning a snake, to be honest. Feed it meat. Hope it doesn't die. Does it sleep i imagine okay as long as we have the right enclosure i reckon it's not too bad yeah i suppose but you need a big expensive enclosure it's a big animal imagine like again but you can't say that because

then that's the same as a dragon yeah you're buying a farm for this creature yeah we gotta say like look but a dragon is gigantic. This is just large. Yeah, but a horse still needs a paddock. Yeah, unless we want to keep it. Does it need to run? Look, a snake is very big, but it is fine to be in a small area. I imagine it would get very restless, even if we gave it a paddock.

We don't want to let it get restless because it'll eat us. As a chaotic evil demon, it's constantly trying to get out and heal as well. Okay. Yeah, look, it's a... I tried to argue for that. Like, I'll concede or I'll give you the idea that it doesn't hate you guys. Yeah. As its owners, it's like, yes, I am your pet.

But, like, I feel like it's dangerous to anyone else. Yeah. Would it be a half point for hassles to look after? Because I feel like once we know it's tricks, as in like, yep, it needs a paddock, yes, it needs this,

we could easily... Containing it as a big hassle. It's just too much. Yeah, no, I can't. I don't think I can argue this. I think it's a hassle. I think it's a hassle. There's no point.

It's a hassle. Okay. Okay. hassle. Okay. Okay. Okay. Good with family and kids. No. No. No, sister.

We can call that right now. Yeah. All right. Easy to train. Yes. Yes. Yeah. We'll give it.

Yeah. I'll pay that. Easy to train. Easy to train to not hurt kids? No. We can't retroactively fix an old point? Probably not. Because I couldn't be like, look, expensive sandwich, good habzu, whatever your name is,

don't hurt, you know, little Tucker. I think it's easy to train, but like... I guess because it's inherent, isn't it? I feel like it's the sort of thing where if you tell it to heal it knows to heal immediately and you could teach it to heal easily yeah but you need to tell it to heal a lot yeah you know what i mean it's kind of like owning a wild it's like owning a wild animal yeah yeah you own a tiger sure maybe the tiger won't attack you and you can get the tiger to not attack others but like one thing goes wrong you need to

be constantly watching it. Yeah. I don't want to pet, I've got to be ever vigilant. Yeah, I just don't. So it's easy to train. Easy to train, but you need to keep an eye on it if it's around people. So I guess this is like a training a tiger. I give it a one because it's easy to train, but it's still

a one. And petability, I'm going to say no. No, it looks alright. If you pet it, you become poisoned. Remember? Can I wear gloves? You need to wear like a hazmat suit. Man. Alright, that's nothing I guess. Or maybe a gas mask. Actually, it's

in... Stench. So if you wore a gas mask, actually, I guess. No, in that case, just on pure petability, I think it's good. I mean, like, if you pat in between the spikes case, just on pure paddability, I think it's good. I mean, like, if you pat in between the spikes. It's skin, I don't quite know what it's going to feel like. Yeah, but imagine it hopping

up onto your lap as well. Maybe a half point. If you're prepared to pad it, we'll give it medium. We'll give it medium. Medium is a thing. I like that we don't have quite a score. Yeah, you're doing. I'm keeping score. Yeah, you're doing it.

But Adam uses a different scoring system. No, he's medium. I take it as a 0.5. Yeah, I know. But he calls it a medium. Yeah, call it a 0.5. It's just weird is all. Yeah, whatever.

Either way, 1.5. We have fun. I like that you don't have a scoring system at all. Yeah, Jack, you piece of shit. You're just going by how you feel. Yep. I would say it's a 1.5. So it's the same as a gigantic dragon.

Yeah. Not good. Not good. The dragon somehow felt a bit better, though. Maybe because it was a good person. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Can you go... I want a creature that starts with the letter B. Uh-huh. That's all my stipulation. I'll flip through. You tell me when. When?

Left or right? Right. Left. Neither of them are good. Shit. Next one. Keep going? Maybe.

One over. Left or right? Other way. Other way. Other way? Left or right? Left. Is it better or worse? Exactly same damn you we're the entire

thing we're beholders different types of beholders the spectator uh-huh okay spectator is a lesser beholder that is summoned from another plane of existence magical guardians uh some uh god it guards a location or a treasure so it's a good guard dog hey that's good glimmers of madness though it can speak uh spectator communicates primarily by way of telepathy it is civil while on guard openly discussing its orders and its summoner however even a brief conversation with a spectator is enough to reveal quirks in its personality brought on by years of isolation. It might invent imaginary enemies, refer to itself

in a third person, or try to adopt the voice of its summoner. Like a beholder? Kind of like a parrot? Kind of like a parrot or like an abused dog. It hates other ones of itself, so if it sees another beholder, it's

like... Okay, so if I was walking this, I'd have an orange lead. So good for humans, bad for others. Strength eight. So you actually like... Any one of us could actually hold it back on a lead. But if it does get to another one, they fight to the death every time. Freed from service.

We don't need to worry about freed from service. You have to train it good. Oh, it feeds itself, creates food and water. Hey. Feeds itself. All right. This is looking good. This is like a good pet.

It's probably maybe a bit smarter than us, but like I said, that's not stopped us before. Hang on, let me just look up some general things. Sometimes I would say Maladie is smarter than Jackson. Yeah, she's got a little bit of, oh. I see. This is one of them Hurt Jackson's feelings episodes.

Like... Oh, it's lawful neutral. It's not evil. Hey! We're doing good. We're doing good. This is good. Actually, I think this is

going to be the best one so far. So let's jump to the things. Alright. You can name this one. Let's call him... Do you want to look at it? Yeah. Let's hand it here.

Let's call him... I don't to look at it? Yeah, send it here. Uh... Let's call him... I don't know. Mr. Bubba Booey, sure. Mr. Bubba Booey. Yeah, that'll do us. Spectator. Okay. So.

Taking for walks, I reckon, is pretty good. He looks good, too. He's unique. He doesn't look like he shits. Yeah, that's right. So, taking for a walk... If it eats't look like he shits. Yeah, that's right. So, taking for a walk. If it eats and drinks, it shits. Yeah.

Where's a beholder's butthole? Probably around back. Where he's like, you know, where his eye is? Yeah, like the back end of his eye. Oh, yeah. Well, that's all right. Is it like bird shit that it does? Yeah.

That's not too bad. How big is it? Medium. It's about the size of a person. So, we'll say like about as much shit as a person does. Look, going for a walk? Ticks. I'm giving that a good one.

That's a good walking dog. Slash beholder. Cleaning up the shit sucks. But other than that, yeah, pretty good. Cleaning up the shit for a dog sucks. Yeah, no, that's fair. That's fair. He's a good beholder.

That's a good walking dog. Yeah. Yeah, I'll call it. Yeah, that's fine. Going for walks? Good. Hassle look after? Fucking feeds in waters itself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll call it. Yeah, that's fine. Gone for walks. Good. Hassle gafter. Fucking feeds in waters itself.

Feeds itself. Maybe I got to clean it, though. That's fine. Is it? It's got like, I don't know how to clean it. Take him in a bath. Yeah, he's got so many eyes. And look, he's got a long tongue, so maybe he's self-cleaning.

Yeah, true. Maybe it's like a cat. All right. Their skin looks kind of leathery does snake sweat no this thing only gets dirty if it gets muddy and it hovers yeah yeah no i guess it probably doesn't need to be cleaned might need to be hosed occasionally maybe and i think if we get it good we can like scrub him he'll love it yeah oh yeah it seems like he seems like he'd love a scrub we love he'd love like getting when, he seems like he'd love a scrub. He'd love getting...

You know when they're on a car? I feel like that depends on the spectator. That's true, but you get in the car, you get the hose with the glue in it and just start scrubbing away. I reckon Mr. Bubba Booey would love it. It'd be nice to make Mr. Bubba Booey clean. But I feel like Hassel to look after?

No. High. Yeah. As in low, so like positive here. See, this is what happens when we have different systems. He'd be very easy to look after. Yeah, high. Yeah. As in low, so like positive here. See, this is what happens when we have different systems. He'd be very easy to look after. Yeah, yeah. Good with kids in the fam.

He'd be a pretty good guard dog. I don't know if he'd be friendly necessarily with the kids in the fam, but he'd be good with them. Actually, I think low here because it wards an area. So it's fiercely territorial. I feel if we have people over it might not Oh, actually

But where it's like owner, right? So it would be like Mr. Bubba Booey? Good. So, yes, friends and family are fine but if someone that we don't know, say it's, like, left home alone,

someone comes calling, it kills that person. Nah. I think that's probably going to be true of most creatures. That's like a guard dog, you know what I mean? Yeah, like if I was... That's like an extremity of a guard dog. But, like, if someone, like, you know, climbed the fence, for example.

So if we had him just in, like, the backyard patrolling and then someone climbed our fence, he'd get him. But just in like the backyard patrolling and then someone climbed our fence he'd get him but that's like he shouldn't be climbing our fence that's what happens if you have a guard dog for yeah what happens in the real world if your guard dog kills a person that breaks into your backyard you're liable for that really yep wow you're not allowed to kill a person no but like your dog did it not you yeah oh well you're liable but you know you're not gonna you shouldn't have been trespassing, but I don't know. Liar, liar.

That beautiful film, they mention something in there about a dog or some shit. I don't know. No, they mention someone falling onto a knife. That's right. I think maybe if that happens, then all... What's his name? Mr. Bubba Booey. Mr. Bubba Booey is probably going to get put down.

Oh, no. So, yeah. But I love him. I think fineba Booey is probably going to get put down. Oh, no. So, yeah. But I love him. I think fine with friends and family, but if someone breaks in, Bubba Booey is going... We might have to kill our beholder, yeah. Bubba Booey is going too far. Yeah, that's... So, half points, you reckon?

Yeah, I'll give him a 50. I think it's actually still high. I think that's a rough consideration, but, like, a dog can do that. Yeah, true. No, fair point. So, yep. All right, that's good. Easy to train. Fair point. So, yeah, all right, that's good. Easy to train?

Intelligence 13. So, once again, it's more like a conversation rather than training it. Yeah, so I guess it's not really technically low. Yeah, I think we've got to call that low. I think we've got to call that low. He's not very easily trained, but, again, it's a good discussion. So, guard this patch, donate kids. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, those are pretty much the rules we need to teach it. Oh, you'd hope very much. No, no. We assume that it considers you its owner. Yeah. Because otherwise, if it does not consider us its summoner, just our owners, we might have some issues there. The summoner comes to call.

Oh, yeah, that's right. No, it has another owner. But no, no, no. We assume it's fine. Yeah. So, petability. Super petiful. Yeah, leathery.

Actually, no. Well, I'm happy to be outvoted here, but I don't want to pet that. I think he'd be a lot more petable and more cuddly than the dragon. I mean, although he has, like, weird tentacles with eyeballs on them. It'd be like petting a squid. Yeah. I don't want to do that. I kind of want to hug an octopus. I feel like, I always feel like with an octopus

that if I hugged it, things would go wrong. Like it'd accidentally go down my throat or something. I'm giving it low here, but if I'm outvoted No, I think I want to give it low too. I would concede, I would say high, but I would concede to like a half point. Yeah. Because like, I would I think he's pettable.

Like maybe not the best. He looks too slimy for me. No, I'm saying nothing. I'm saying no point. Look, you're right, I think. Look, look. I would say he'd be a fun thing to curl up to and give some good snuggles, but look.

I thought the same thing about the walking armor. That's fair. Imagine he, like, leaps up on your lap and does some shit with his tongue, like, leaps itself. No, no. It's gross. No, fair, fair. Look, we'll say no. So, what's that, four? Three. Three. Is that the best so far, I think... It's gross. Look, we'll say no.

So is that four? Three. Is that the best so far, I think? That's good. Mr. Bubba Booey is doing all right. He's a good little beholder boy. Let's go three. Let's go...

Look, last one. Okay. Let's make Adam pick. Adam, you pick a creature of your choice. Hurtful, ruin, bless, not very sporting. Please just choose a dog. Which I know is in the monster man. If I were to choose something

just off the bat, I'd be like tribal warrior. Thug. Noble. Hang on. A goal. A clay golem. Alright. Sculpted from clay, this bulky golem

Stands head and shoulders taller than most human-sized creatures So it's taller than us It is human-shaped, but its proportions are off They are often endowed with purpose But... That's a golem We get it, golem They don't know a dang golem

Things to consider It is larger and stronger than us So, if it goes nuts, there's no way we can... We're out of luck, we can't even call the cops Golems. I don't know a dang golem. Things to consider. It is larger and stronger than us. So if it goes nuts, there's no way we can contain it. We're out of luck. We can't even call the cops. It can go berserk. So if it deals... That's not good.

Whenever it starts a turn with hit, fewer... That sounds hassily. You need to deal like 60 points of damage to it. You need a half hit point it. With a handgun? Do about 60 points of damage to it. You need a half hit point it. So... With a handgun? Do about 60 points of damage, we say? Handgun? One bullet? One bullet? Or a couple?

That's true. If it goes crazy... It takes half damage from guns, so... Like, the police need to show up and shoot at it. And if the police are showing up, something's already gone wrong. We're having our rock golem put down. Immune to any spell.

All right. So. Yes. As a clay golem, as a construct, and as its owner, it kind of just does whatever we say it does. Easy to try. If it gets to half hit points, then it has a chance to go berserk. But I think to get it to half hit points, shit's already hit the fan at that point.

Yeah, okay. And also, like, we're not fighting these golems. No. They're our lovey pets. They're our pets. We love them. Yeah. We're giving them snuggles.

We're giving them wrassles. Exactly. They can talk to us. Oh, no, it understands us but cannot talk to us. That's the perfect. That's what you want out of a pet. No, sometimes I want a dog to be like... You know what I mean?

You kind of want some noises. Sure, the rock golem can make a noise back. If you're like, hey there, buddy, and he's like... Okay. So, a thing to consider. Yeah. If it is damaged, the elemental spirit bound to it can break free. Oh. Oh, wait. That's just the bers spirit bound to it can break free. Oh.

Oh, wait. That's just the berserker thing. Oh, okay. Yeah, so like I said, unlikely, I think. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Blind obedience, ageless guardians, constructed by nature. I don't know how to put him.

Oh, isn't he going to outlive me? Doesn't he need to be fed? I don't have to go through the hassle of putting down a dog? No. Oh, he's going to be like, so good. Let's go through the list. All right. You'll outlive us.

Yeah, but that's all right because I didn't have to deal with that. I don't know if you guys overheard because when we took Maladie to the vet today, but you know that old dog that came in? They were putting it down. Oh. Yeah.

That dog, like Maladie was the last dog that that dog saw. Wow. Is that the dog that had like no eye? He was missing an eye? I think so. Yeah. That little small one that had no eye? He was missing an eye? Yeah, yeah.

That's sad. Anyway, going for a walk. Easy. You just like walk. It doesn't actually need to be walked. No, but we're like it's fun to go for a walk. How fun was it to walk? It's bigger than us. I'd feel awkward walking. Yeah, I'd feel like... Hop on its shoulders, you're going for a walk.

Actually, no. Dickheads. It's fun. Cradle me like a baby, take me for a walk. Climbing styles fling me over your shoulder. What a fun walk. I feel like... I do actually like to walk myself.

Yeah. I enjoy walking. But if I get tired on the walk, I can be like, carry me back. That is nice. Yeah. No, actually, I... And also, remember, sometimes, again, walking. But if I get tired on the walk, I can be, like, carrying me back. That is nice. Yeah, no, actually, I... And also, remember, sometimes, again, walking in the mean streets, and you, like, will some young hooligans. Yeah, street toughs.

And it will stop when we tell it to. It won't go further than what we instructed it to. What I'm imagining is climbing on its shoulders, not falling asleep, but getting distracted, and then just walking into traffic. But then we're fine, because the golem's going to get hit and then he's going to keep moving. The best, like, still being

hit by a car, it's an unpleasant experience. Yeah, for the golem, of course, but it's not going to kill him. For the car, actually. That's what I mean. But, like, people in the car. That causes an unpleasant experience for us as well, I feel. You don't want to see people die in a car crash right next to you. crash I said I guess Adam

But look we'll count it I'm thinking high for Walk of Duty Adam what's his name? Or her name You both name it together Jack? Do I just say half a syllable? Dargent

Dargent Dargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Dargent Pepper Dargent. Its name is Dargent. Dargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club. Dargent Pepper. Dargent Pepper. Dargent Peeper. Dargent Pepper. Dargent Peeper. Adam has to name at least some of it.

He bought it or whatever. Dargent Pepper. I got it off that ancient trader. It was that or the monkey paw. Always choose the monkey paw. No, the monkey paw always fucks up your wish. Yeah, no, and then the last pinky is when you're like, whoops, make it normal again.

Yeah. You get four crazy wild times. And one whoopsie daisy to make it go back. Or I get one good golem that lasts longer than I do. I guess, if you want to be a loser. Going for walks is good. Hassle to look after. Oh, he's so long.

Oh, easy. Oh, my God. Dargent, whatever. Maybe clean the moss off him. It rates high here. It's in good. Dargent, you're like, look, I've had enough of you. Just sit in that closet for a bit.

Don't see him for three weeks. Oh, how nice. Or just, like, clean the house when I'm asleep. Oh, good. Me and my lady friend want to keep it busy. Private time. Could you please get out? Don't jump on the bed. I'm asleep. Me and my lady friend want to get a bit busy. Could you please don't jump on the bed. Go over there. He could clean the house for you.

And while we're doing that, clean the house. Oh my god, he is so good. Go to the grocery shopping for us. With kids in the fam. Babysit my kids. I don't know if I'd let it babysit the kids. Yeah, I wouldn't let it babysit the kids. But I think it still rates high in family friendly

Yeah definitely It can sit there and listen to Nan yammer on About her time in the war Imagine it's like blank face With it's open expressionless mouth As long as it can make a grunt of some kind I am so happy for this To be our pet

I just want him to be like, That's good for me. Yeah, I think Nan will appreciate the company. Easy to train. Yeah, like we said. Blind obedience. It just does what we say it should do. Holy shit, this is getting like ticks across the board. Last one though, petability.

Because it's clay. Clay is kind of fun to play with though. Is it soft clay or hard clay? Adam? I think it's hard clay. It would be hard clay. Because if it was soft clay, like kind of putty, I'm like... Yeah, that's kind of fun.

I'd like draw big smiles in its face and stuff. Model sheep on its shoulder or whatever. Have a good time with it. I think it's low there. I don't think it scores well there. I don't think it scores well there. I don't think it's good for the game. I don't think you're going to find a perfect pet in here. Except the goblin, maybe.

Except maybe a dog. Or the blink dog. Ah, blink dog. Ah, blink dog. Yeah. So yeah, I reckon petability, very, very low. Unfortunately, but ultimately... Ultimately, like, apart from petability...

Four, man. This iron... He's got a solid four. Clay Gollum did well. Clay Gollum was Dargent Pepper Dargent Peeper I came round Dargent Peeper Well it's my pet so you can call it whatever you want

it won't obey. Dargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band seemed like he's pretty good as a pet girl he's alright he's pretty good as a pet girl. He's all right. He's not the best. He's not perfect. All right. I reckon he's a clear winner.

Now, scenario here. Which of these is the best pet? If I am lying on the couch and I'm watching a film and I just want to have a good time for them to snuggle up on me and have a bit just like have a bit of a snooze while I watch TV and pat my dog or pat my pet. Which one is the clear winner here? Okay, so can't be really Sergeant Peeper. I don't think any of them are good.

Well, Sergeant Peeper can't win that one because he's just too big. He'll crush you. No, we're going to say they don't crush us. And if they're too big, what happens is that they cradle us. Dragon. No, then your house is destroyed. Unless you're watching TV in a field. Like a hillbilly or a farmer.

Maybe like going to the open air cinema. Like a drive-in. Yeah. Oh, driving, watching on the belly of a dragon. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Slowly rising and falling. What are other options?

The armor would be terrible. Right out. I think the dragon isn't amazing, but I just think it's out of those the best. I think I choose the armor.

I like the idea of hooking myself in and just chilling in him. Dragon or clay golem? It would be uncomfortable. There's spikes everywhere. If I put a pillow down and that Clay Golem

was cradling me, I reckon I could fall asleep I would have said Clay Golem is second. Yeah. Clay Golem or a dragon. So there you go. I reckon Clay Golem.

Clay Golem is a clear winner. Yeah, well, yeah, obviously. Mr. Bubba Booey. Yeah. Close second. And notable mansion, Jaffas. Dragon and Demon Boy.

Terrible pet. Terrible pet. I don't know dragons. I think that's the clear message. I think ultimately, Jeffers. Dragon and Demon Boy. Terrible pets. Don't own dragons. I think that's the clear message. I think ultimately, though, if we saw the three top choices in like a pet store, I think I'd still choose the armor. Well, we know you like the armor. You would choose Jeffers. I would probably

choose Mr. Bubba Booey. And he would choose Darjean Peppers. Yeah. So I think that's pretty good. I think that's good. We sorted them out. We did it. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. I've been Adam. And if you guys have any magical creatures, whether from the Monster Manual or from elsewhere that you think we'd make

better pets than the ones that we chose, tweet us in at SansPantsRadio or email us sanspantsradio at gmail.com or personally.

Also, we haven't read it. Yes, we do. You can go there and you can discuss it amongst yourselves. R slash sanspansradio. One word, no caps. Start a thread.

What's the best creature? Is it the golem? No? The suit of armor? Yes? Or is it a blink dog? Yay, let us know. Bye, Father. Bye. Thanks for listening.

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