Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fast Food Mascot Would Make the Best Avenger? (Ft. Mia)

Episode Date: September 22, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey you handsome dickheads, did you know it's been a year since we tarnished UK soil with our presence? And in celebration of that tarnishing, we've finally been able to salvage the audio from our Git Posh tour. And piece together something coherent from all that footage we filmed, and slap that all on a USB cassette tape that you can purchase right now from audiobooksontape.com. But that's not all, you beautiful human beings. If you use coupon code DICKHEAD at checkout, you get 10% off the whole damn thing.

That's 21 brand new, never heard before unless you were there episodes and a heap of bonus video footage, like Jackson getting his head stuck in Brighton's Cheeky Chappy. So if that sounds like something you want to consume, just head to audiobooksontape.com and use coupon code DICKHEAD at checkout. Hi, this is Mia from Cynical Cartoons, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which fast food mascot would make the best Avenger. Okay, so fast food mascots. Yes.

We're talking the Colonel. Yes. We're talking Ronald McDonald. And his friends. That bird, whose name I'm pretty sure is Birdie. Possibly. Grimace. The Hamburglar.

The Fry Guys. The Fry Guys. Mayor McCheese. I think it should also be a little bit broadened out. Like, if we want to say the Kool-Aid Man, like, that's not a fast food mascot. But that, you know, Cheetos guy, maybe the Chester Cheeto would make a great Avenger. Yeah, I think. That's what we're here to find out today, I feel.

Fast food, any food. We can broaden our scope to just food. But I'm just so excited that you've reminded me the Hamburglar exists. He is maybe my idol. He rules. And he hangs out with the McDonald's crew, which is cool. He should hang out in jail.

Well, he doesn't really commit. I guess robbing food is still a crime. Yeah, I mean, he's been reformed and he definitely has an addictive personality and issues with that, but I think that they're all willing to allow it to happen because a cheeseburger is $1.89. It doesn't really matter if he steals a cheeseburger

that's less than $2. It's such an elaborate costume with the pork pie hat. All to steal a two dollar cheeseburger it's more sad than anything else he looks like zoro mixed with like a bank robber from the 1800s yeah he's like zoro a bank robber from the 1800s and a fancy boy from the 20s in a boat all got together and became the one being who steals processed burgers yeah that's amazing well maybe what we want to look at today is coming up with our avengers team fast food mascots and the villain team which must include like the hamburger and others or maybe it's just

him and the others beat the shit out of him every week although one thing that we we mentioned him but we didn't actually dive into we got stuck got stuck at Hamburg. Look, Grimace. Grimace is a negative emotion. If you're grimacing, that's bad. Grimace is a big purple blob. There is no way he's a good guy. He's probably the secret villain. Yeah, I see Grimace as a sort of Baron Zemo. But he's always smiling.

He's never grimacing. He loves to smile. I think he's supposed to be a milkshake. Yeah. I think we talked about this last time, maybe, that I was on the show. I think, but I don't know how he's meant to be a milkshake he does not look like milk right because he seems like a chicken nugget yeah he seems like a giant purple chicken nugget but he's not yeah i say maybe grimace in our in our mcu is more like the punisher you know he follows that line between

good and bad grimace is saying to whatever our daredevil exp is, sometimes you got to kill the criminal. And then he does that little with his arms because he has no elbows, you know? Well, let's go. Let's go the original Avengers team. So let's go Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Thor. Yes. That's our basic.

And then let's get a Nick Fury to bring them all together. Yeah. Wait. So do you want to add a mascot to it or do you think we're going to replace all the avengers with masks we're going to replace the avengers with the most appropriate mascot okay replace them all i would say but don't give them powers so like grimace if he is the hulk or thor or big bruiser he has grimace power yeah like ronald McDonald in an Iron Man suit, probably okay. Yeah, well, because Ronald McDonald's just a very tall guy. Yeah.

But Ronald McDonald, I was thinking, he's actually probably a good Captain America. Because in a way, he represents like a capitalist America, you know? Yeah. Captain Capitalist America. Capitalist America. Ronald McDonald is Capitalist America. But are we putting,

so is this, is it Ronald McDonald was a world war. He was a scrappy youth from the Bronx. He was a scrawny clown. Scrawny clown from Queens. Where's he from? Where's Captain America from? He's from Brooklyn.

Yes. Spider-Man's from Queens. I'm going to say that even though I know nothing about New York geography. no i think you're right i think you're right so scrappy crown from clown from crown scrappy crown heavy lies the clown every lie is the head that wears the clown so he's a scrappy clown from brooklyn yeah and he's like i would love to fight for my country and make delicious cheeseburgers and then the u US military is like, we've created the super clown cereal. Well, here's the thing. And people who listen to our, which is the most fuckable fast food mascot,

will probably see a pattern here. I really think Tony the Tiger is the most righteous of all of the fast food mascots. That's true. Or cereal mascots or anything. Tony the Tiger is just pure goodness. Ronald McDonald, he's the joker. He's like not a good dude. He doesn't give me good vibes.

We live in a McSciety. We live in a society that I created, me, Ronald McDonald. Oh, okay. Well, let's put Ronald McDonald on our villain team then. Let's make Ronald McDonald Red Skull. He's got a regular face and then he peels it off and he's a clown. Yes, that's good. The Nick Fury replacement is real easy.

It's the Colonel, baby. Oh, that's true. At the end, whatever our Iron Man ends up being, he comes in and he's like, well, I say, I say, I say, I'm starting an Avengers initiative. And then he gives him fried chicken. Yeah.

It's cool that Foghorn Leghorn and the Colonel have the same voice. Yeah. And the same personality. That's all right. That is good. I always liked Foghorn Leghorn. Foghorn Leghorn's maybe a bit more paternal you know he's made of chicken the colonel loves chicken there's something in that

there's something to be done i was kind of imagining the colonel with a gun to foghorn leghorn like i gotta make some chicken but then foghorn leghorn's like i say i say i say please don't kill me and the colonel's like like, I see so much of myself in you. And then he does the point break and flies into the sky. But it's a shotgun, so it's like. I would say as far as Iron Man goes, I don't know if there is a fast food mascot that is mechanically minded. Yeah. Like, I can't think of anybody who even. I guess I've seen some of them with smartphones

in this modern era but i've never seen one of them build a robot because here's the thing are are they given the iron man suit or did they have to build it themselves and then it's like okay toucan sam cannot build an iron man suit but toucan sam in a cave in war toward middle east he'll struggle yeah it's with a box of scraps. Well, who's the cleverest fast food mascot then? Who's the genius of the fast food mascot realm? There must be one that's like really smart, but they all seem dumb as fuck to me.

Birdie? Is Birdie smart? Is she like the typical smart girl? She has a plane. Did she build the plane? If she built the plane, she built the plane she's our iron man i mean i don't know if he's necessarily particularly intelligent but chucky cheese as iron man just because i think that would be good he's he's very he just seems like he'd be great in that role i don't know why well he's got he's got a rat's intelligence yeah you know rats are typically

cheeky and clever what about i've never met a cheeky rat what about mr peanut mr peanut mr peanut yeah he's rich that's true he could get other people to do it for him he's got the wealth but he has a peanut shaped body that maybe won't fit in an iron man but if he's building an iron man suit then the government can't take that one off him because it's peanut shaped yeah he just makes it to fit that's great because although what is a peanut if not a perfect hourglass figure it's true about peanuts for a second when you were like yeah but if he makes it peanut shaped the government can't take it off him i just thought you meant like he was like afraid of the government i mean you oh

this would be really perfect actually mr peanut because whenever a villain like comes up and tries to take the suit off of him it's like they're cracking open a peanut like they're cracking the shell off to get the tasty innards oh man that's so unpleasant but this time the tasty innards are a man yes a man who is a peanut, though. Tasty. Would he survive being cracked open? Like with a nutcracker? Yeah. No.

Would Ronald McDonald survive if you guillotined him? I think that he would. Ronald McDonald, he seems pretty intentional to me. It's really, I have a real vivid image in my head now of um filleting open grimace like a fish he's just got the right body for it to peel it back i also imagine for some reason he's full of like insulation you know you imagine that i imagine he pops and he's full of pus grimace was just sick the whole time uh okay so we've got our captain america is tony the tiger yeah that's fair okay we get the colonel as our nick fury also fair wait if if tony the tiger is our captain america

does that mean he was a scrawny tiger from brooklyn who loved america joined the military and then got given the super soldier juice for this fact fact of this episode, yes. Okay, good. That's canon now. So for each of these fast food mascots, it's probably good to check them against their MCU story. So Mr. Peanut in a cave in the Middle East. How does he deal? Well, Mr. Peanut's probably very rich,

so it's probably good for a ransom. I get it. Yeah, and look, putting a peanut in a cave, the peanut's going to be okay. I get it. Yeah, and look, putting a peanut in a cave, the peanut's gonna be okay. That is true. The peanut will be alright. I don't think that he would be all that great with the flamethrower, though. When that comes up, he's gonna

flame roast himself. Oh, that's true. The struggle of most of these fast food mascots is that a lot of them are food, and so can be cooked. So, Mr mr peanut may end up just eating it's also crazy that in this reality mr peanut is a weapons manufacturer i guess he had to get his wealth from somewhere well that's fair i don't know what do you imagine the fast food mascots do are they just mascots similar to sporting mascots where they just like stand

there or do you imagine ronald mcdonald creating burgers i imagine ronald mcdonald manifesting burgers manifesting like he's like and the burgers come up around him so you're imagining he's a wizard i i would say that they can only do what we've seen them be capable of in commercials so like most of them don't have extreme amounts of power like ronald ronald mcdonald can't actually do that. Maybe he one or two times, like, magic the burger into his hands? Yeah. So he can, I guess, yeah, but it's not... But I'm not sure about the cannon. It's not so ominous. It's more of like a, whoa! And then a kid has

a burger. And then Hamburglar comes up, smacks the kid, runs off with the burger. Yeah. Does Hamburglar ever go to jail, or is he... Yes. Okay, good, just checking. Where do you think he got the costume? Yeah, that's true. Not only has he gone to jail, he's broken free.

He's on the run. He's on the lam. Ronald McDonald is aiding and abetting. Ronald McDonald is a war criminal. Evidently. Oh, Hamburglar is Bucky. One arm made of Hamburg I kind of love it

They're like, Ronald McDonald will be backing him up all the time Like, I know he's got a dark past But I'm telling you he's changed And everybody else is like, no, no, you're wrong All of Captain America Winter Soldier But it's Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar is great. Ronald McDonald grappling the Hamburglar, being like, remember who you are!

But he never will. For some reason, what does the Hamburglar say? Because my brain was going to say yibbity-yibbity, but that's not what the Hamburglar says. It's rubble-rubble. Yeah, he says rubble-rubble. Rubble-rubble! I don't know if he speaks English though. Does he only say that? Because that would be very funny. If he rips off the mask, he's Robble, Robble. Robble, Robble. I don't know if he speaks English, though. Does he only say that? Because that would be very funny if he rips off the mask.

He's on the street and Ronald McDonald's like, Hamburg, or he's like, Robble, Robble. Robble, Robble. It just runs off. What does Bucky say? Oh, yeah, he's like, who the hell is Bucky? Yeah. Except instead, it's just Robble, Robble.

Robble, Robble. But eventually, he sends him to Wakanda. He comes out as the White Wolf. Is that what happens to Hamburglar? Yeah. Yeah, good, great. He gets guns. So obviously Bucky is proficient with firearms.

Great. Correct, obviously. Hamburglar proficient with no weapon. Hamburglar has a knife, for sure. Here's one that's a gimme, as far as casting the Avengers goes. Black Widow is Wendy from the Wendy's. Yeah, I was just thinking that.

It's the red hair, acrobatic looking. There's not a lot of female mascots in general. Yeah, it is unfortunate. I've got a big list here, and I don't know about this owl, but it seems like Wendy's the only one. Birdie is also female. Birdie, that's true. Birdie is not Black Widow for sure.

Birdie can be Scarlet Witch. Yeah, I was going to say. In phase two. In phase two, we'll introduce Birdie. Well, okay, I was about to say Birdie should be Falcon, but I think that we have a lot of bird-based mascots in general. Toucan Sam. Yeah, we've got a lot to pick from. coco puffs you know um i was gonna make a

pitch tell me what you think wait coco puffs in australia coco pops is an ape yeah that's right no no coco puffs in the u.s is a different thing yeah with a with another bird mascot do you have coco pops i feel like i asked you this last episode but i'm still curious yeah yeah you told me about the baseball uniform wearing monkey no we do not have yeah that's right i think that we do have something called coco pops but it's not that we have coco pebbles and coco puffs so many coco based cereals people are like hey what if we put chocolate on cereal it is good hey um yeah what about this bold Bold pitch for Thor. The Burger King.

I like it. Or is the Burger King more of an Odin who goes into a burger sleep? Well, does the Burger King have a Burger Prince? Yeah. I'm going to look up Burger Prince. Which is a great thing to Google. There is a fast food place called Burger Prince, but it is closed down.

I wonder why. Yeah. It was closed down by the real Burger King. Okay. Great. Another great Google term coming up. Burger King son. Let's see if he's got one. Oh, you know the story of how Burger King

called an open industry because some guy was like, hey, that's me. And he sued or whatever. Yeah. oh you know the story of um yeah uh how like burger king couldn't open in australia because some guy was like hey that's me and he sued or whatever yeah turns out that my friends know that man personally really yeah it came up in an episode of a podcast i was doing it was very shocking there's no one seems shocked in the episode but i'm still processing it now that's amazing i didn't know that the original burger king was still alive yeah that's wild because like they think they tried it again. Yeah. And then he was like, see you in court.

And it turned out he used his money to become a wrestling promoter. Wow. I guess, look, if you've got a dream, why not follow through? Yeah, it was big. That's amazing. So I couldn't find if the Burger King has a son, so I think we're going to have to make the Burger King Thor. Unfortunately, because the idea of the Burger King has a son, so I think we're going to have to make the Burger King Thor, unfortunately,

because the idea of the Burger King being like, oh, no, Thanos is here and eating a whole bunch of burgers and going to bed. Right. Quite. Odin is the character you most resemble in the MCU, right, Jack? Me? Yes. Yes, absolutely. Oh, no, trouble.

To bed. I mean, I would say that Jackson kind of probably looks like some side character that showed up and had, like, two lines. Like, I think there's a guy in, like, Winter Soldier that works in the Apple store that has a big beard. That's probably Jackson. Yeah, or, like, a random scientist in the background, and I'm like, like, I got a sassy line. Like, I'm not very good at my job. Right, and you get smashed by a rock.

In Avengers 1, Tony Stark's like, that man's playing Gargoyle and you didn't think he'd notice we noticed. Oh my god, that man's looking up chimp porn. That's, oh wow, I don't even have a sassy line. He's not even on incognito mode. Yeah, I don't give a shit. I just turn around and give him a thumbs up. You do good work for

Avengers. I'm drunk at work. You know chimps have dicks just like me. What are we talking about? And then I get up to pay in the middle of the meeting. You piss in your bucket. Yeah. I got it so I don't have to. And then I inch

myself over to Tony Stark so I don't have to get up. Yeah. He appreciates it I think. Yeah. Okay so Burger King being our if Burger King is our Thor. Yeah. Okay, so Burger King being our... If Burger King is our Thor, then what is Thor 1... I hate that I have to remember Thor 1 now.

What happens in Thor 1 for the Burger King to do? He comes to Earth. He loses his powers. He gains his powers back. That's right. He loses his Burger King powers. He's considered unworthy. So, quick check on that.

So Thor loses his powers, becomes unworthy. If a Burger King loses his powers, what would you call him? Because he's not a king, so you want to go and call him Burger. He's still a king. He lost his powers. Well, Thor does lose his title, doesn't he?

He gets stripped of his own rank. He he gets stripped yeah he's just he's just see the really funny thing about this is that the like the burger king i don't believe talks oh no like i've seen him in video game form they made like three video games i've seen commercials with him i don't know what he sounds like so i'm gonna say that he's non-verbal that's great and that's very funny for like thor to just like show up as the burger king and not say a word and just like start or whatever he has like a spatula i don't know i really also love you know the classic thor one another that's just the burger king smashing glasses nobody knows why i have a very very outside the box choice for a different captain america sure i just want to pitch this to you okay pepsi man oh pepsi man he runs very fast i think the only thing he says is drink

yeah oh that's good i i have never seen this when was this prominent uh so it was in the 90s don't know if it was actually big in western cultures it was massive in japan they made a video game that's only in like only in english but was never released anywhere outside of japan he's uh pretty much a guy in a blue morph suit who just says drink pepsi the the image the first image on google image when you search pepsi man is the most fascist image i've ever seen drink look he looks like a totalitarian like that's the cover of the ps1 game like if i don't wake up in the morning and drink my pepsi i'll be taken away by the pepsi gods captain america this this ps1 game looks fucking so good it looks so good it looks like a flash game that i would have played in like 2002 and like not realize that it was an ad at

the time and then later on been like what the fuck was wrong the plot well the game is basically levels that it's like a constant running thing like you can't stop running you have to collect pepsi and then in between levels well sure you're caffeinate you're all juiced up on caffeine pepsi is powerful uh but in between the levels there's like live action um what are they called uh fmvs yeah like yeah um of just like a really fat american guy and it's meant to be pro pepsi but it looks like it's a parody of pepsi it's a it's a very complicated video game what about um if we're gonna make because he does look fascist yep uh what if he becomes our red skull and the coke polar bear becomes our Red Skull and the Coke Polar Bear becomes our Captain America? And they call him American Dad.

He becomes our Seth MacFarlane. Good morning, USA. I like that because the Coke Polar Bear also does not seem to have human intellect and doesn't talk. It seems like just sort of a silly polar bear. So I like the idea of they're calling Captain America and he comes in and just mauls the shit out of Pepsi Man. I like that we're getting less and less verbal Avengers. Oh, actually, do you know who's a Coke mascot that people

often forget? Santa Claus. Oh, that's true! Don't you want to see Santa beat the shit out of Pepsi Man? Santa Claus would be a good Thor, I think. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Santa Claus is Thor. He's so magical. He's got a candy cane

that can work as his hammer. And he's always... Bonk. And he's always drinking Coke, as seen in these Coke commercials. Alright, so we've got our Captain America. Oh my god, I wonder if they used Santa Claus in advertising when Coke still had cocaine in it.

If so, that means that Santa Claus does Coke. Oh, that rolls. That rolls. Hey, he's up quite a bit. Well, no, actually, he's asleep quite a bit. Well, I actually don't know if that's true. Odin sleep. Odin sleep.

Santa Claus has an Odin sleep. Does Santa? So maybe the king is still Thor. I don't know. Okay, no, hang on. New pitch. Okay, so Santa Claus is Od Odin sleeve. So maybe the king is still Thor. I don't know. Okay, no, hang on. New pitch. Santa Claus is Odin. Yes.

Fred Claus, as played by Vince Vaughn, is Thor. Still within the realm. I don't think he was in a Coke commercial, though. I don't think that really counts. Okay, so we've got our Captain America. I don't know if we ever decided, really, who Captain America was going to be. I feel like the Captain America is the easiest one because all mascots...

Well, the easiest one in the sense of anyone could be Captain America. I think let's settle on Ronald McDonald as Captain America because then you have the interplay with Gobble Gobble, Robble Robble, not Gobble Gobble. Oh, my God. Captain America's biggest enemy are turkey. Robble Robble, Captain America.

Robble Robble, Clown Prince of Crime, Ronald McDonald. That's our Captain America, Bucky duo. Our Captain America, no, our Iron Man is Mr. Peanut. Yeah, that's right. Our Thor is Santa Claus. Yes. Good. Drinking Coke.

Drinking Coke. Who is Loki? Pepsi Man. Pepsi Man is Loki. al thor is santa claus yes good drinking coke drinking coke who is loki pepsi man pepsi man is loki great i would like to say loki i think maybe the noid oh yeah i don't know if you guys know the noid in australia he's he's a trickster and he's got a lot of energy he really brings it all the time and he ruins pizzas you know which is a fun thing for our mascot avengers to stop pizza crime pizza crime who is our hulk that's what i'd like to know who's the strongest fast food mascot out there oh the other one so we've got two left because we also decided nick fury is the colonel and that's the obvious choice yeah right i would say we can throw in spider-man and stuff like that if we want to. I think for Hulk,

the obvious answer is Grimace, right? Like he's big, he's dumb. He doesn't seem. Yeah. Full of pus. Pussy as hell.

Yeah. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, plumbing is all cranberries and spice, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Like maybe you wish Dusha was missing, presumed dead. And instead it was just Zamet? Like, maybe you wish Dusha was missing, presumed dead,

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that's far better than it has any right to be. But Grimace doesn't have he doesn't seem angry you know what i mean i feel like your hulk's gotta have some fire in his belly i can imagine hitting grimace over the head with a bat and him turning red and not being able to calm down until he's murdered absolutely yeah that's true i can imagine grimace you hit him once and a redness spreads over his whole body yeah yeah grimace is upsetting to imagine. Is Grimace Bruce Banner and he turns into somebody else? Grimace is Bruce Banner. Red Grimace

is Hulk. Mild-mannered scientist. Mild-mannered milkshake Grimace. Does Grimace talk? Or does he just say Grimace? Which is what I imagine. Which is talking. Yeah, but only with one word.

So he's a Pokemon. In the cartoon, he does talk. He's voiced by the voice of Patrick from SpongeBob. So he can make normal sentences. He's just dumb. Does that make him the most erudite of all of our fast food? Oh, Santa Claus. Okay, but everybody else.

Oh, no, no. Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald. He has a house for, but everybody else. Oh, no, no. Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald. He has a house for sad kids or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ronald McDonald House. Ronald McDonald House. Yeah, that's right.

Ronald McDonald can talk. I'm trying to think. What about the Jolly Green Giant? Is he a mascot of peace? I have no idea who you're talking about. Yeah, I know who you're talking about. Jolly Green Giant, yeah. For what?

What could he possibly do in the Avengers? Is the Avengers Tower pizza hot? Yes There's the Jolly Green Giant I don't know what he advertises Do you know what he's a mascot of? He is He's like a green pea mascot For a can of peas

He's a a green pea mascot for a can of peas. He's a mascot for a can of peas. Imagine creating a can of peas. It's technically a fast food. Crack that open, suck it down. Fastest meal you can get. He's so out of, he's so like, doesn't work with the rest of them. He's our Hawkeye. Yes.

The jelly bean guy is our Hawkeye. Who just hucks a can of peas i'm a mascot for things that really traditionally don't need a mascot imagine having a mascot for like i don't know a can of corn kernels it's the same thing it literally is the same thing i've just done a palate swap that's the thing is that that probably exists though because in 1960s America, like that's what it was about. Like make people endeared to this can of peas, make America love this can of peas so much by giving them like a shitty cartoon character,

give it a, in the eighties it became about like actually making them cartoons like wild. I'm so sad. We didn't get a jolly green giant cartoon where he was like, Hey, we saved the day by eating peas from a can. Here's the thing. I bet that we did.

I bet that we did. Guessing from what I've seen on cynical cartoons, I'm guessing that there was that at some point. I'm so excited. Jolly Green Giant cartoon. Come on, please. Yes, there was. Oh, my God. 1985, there was a Jolly Green Giant cartoon. Come on, please. Uh, yes, there was. Oh my God. 1985. There was a Jolly Green Giant cartoon.

Oh, that's so good. Wow. For a can of peas. And people say the Plumbing the Duster isn't an educational podcast. Next time you're eating a can of peas. Next time you're sucking down a can of peas. Think of the Jolly Green Giant.

It's great as well, because imagine like a madman's, madman, madman style board meeting where they're like, Don Draper, sell me this can of peas. And he's like, imagine a giant.

Tell me you're not already sold. What, Donald? Huh? A giant. Tell me you're not already sold. What, Donald? Huh? A giant wearing a sort of old-timey strongman costume, throwing it on like a board. Tell me you don't want delicious peas from this. Other peas are peas. Our peas? They're jolly.

What else do we need? Yeah, that's true. Who else is left? We need a Hulk still. We're still short one Hulk. What about Chester Cheetah? Chester Cheetah. Chester Cheetah would be funny as Bruce Banner because then he turns into like a buff Chester Cheetah.

Like just really big. His glasses break off. Like he's got like half of glasses on like the sunglasses he gives me spider-man vibes for some reason oh no i can see that chester cheetah well the thing that i love about chester cheetah is that he's clearly like in his 50s but still looks like he's hanging out with teens you know what i mean yeah well not not hanging out with teens does that makes him sound creepy i just mean like like he's sad he looks like he could be a member of the short-lived ska band sublime yes he does chester cheetah is giving you his album at the train

station yeah and he's like listen to the song doing time it's a real banger you're like oh chester cheetah i'm not gonna and he gets upset but there's nothing he can do chester cheetah smokes cigarettes yeah you know offers them to underage smokers chester cheetah at the skate park sells cigarettes a dollar a dart that's yeah that's the chester cheetah rule that's the going right i'm gonna look up chester cheetah buff and i'm sad i i would say okay that definitely exists don't look that up i would say kool-aid man for hulk he bashes through walls to bring people kool-aid he has a catchphrase like hulk smash he says what's the end of avengers

the the kool-aid man says oh oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What's the scene at the end of Avengers where he's like, that's my secret. I'm always angry. What's the line before that? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's a good point. Because he's like.

I genuinely can't remember. What I keep thinking is someone being like, why are you angry? Like, get angry. What does he say? Is he like, you got to get angry, but you're not angry right now? This is one of those moments where I've become aware of people yelling at their phones. It's this. This is their answer.

This is the only time time travel exists. We can feel the temporal vibrations of you listening right now, yelling at us. But I'm sad I don't know know because how funny to be like but how are you gonna get angry and then kool-aid man just turns around don't call him oh yeah just runs into the fight ah that's great man seems fried it's also funny to think of him as bruce banner because there is bruce banner is an important character so to think of kool-aid man in wimpy form as like a scientist is very good maybeool-Aid Man in wimpy form as a scientist is very good. Maybe Kool-Aid Man in wimpy form is like a glass

of Kool-Aid, and then he balloons out to a jug. It's a packet of powder. Gets huge and goes and fights. Kool-Aid Man seems fragile, though. He's made of glass. If you shoot Kool-Aid Man, he dies. He bleeds. But he's always bashing through the walls, though he's made of glass yeah if you shoot kool-aid man he dies he bleeds but he's always bashing through the walls and he's completely fine nothing ever happens to him i think he's

impenetrable that's true that's a good point the only way to kill him loki will or pepsi man will have to jump in and drink him well pepsi man if he says one thing you know what it is drink in in the avengers pepsi man fills him up with pepsi and he says one thing, you know what it is? Drink. In the Avengers, Pepsi Man fills him up with Pepsi and he becomes the villain. Like that's what happens when he just hits the helicopter. Yeah, that's like his version of the Mind Scepter. It's just Pepsi and Kool-Aid Man. Oh, like a can of Pepsi, like a grenade. He just opens it and throws it in.

Kool-Aid Man looks around at the rest of the Fast Food Avengers. Oh, yeah. Kool-Aid man looks around at the rest of the Fast Food Avengers. Oh, yeah. Imagine, though, the abject horror of being Kool-Aid man. I know it's hard to visualize you're a jug of Kool-Aid, but bear with me for a second. And someone's in you, drinking you,

but you can't get them out because your hands are too stubby on the side of your jug. That's horrifying. And that's what Kool-aid man's gonna have to deal with there's nothing he could do yeah poor kool-aid man all right so we've got our team yeah they need to fight in the battle of new york yeah well okay so the noid the noid and pepsi man yep and they've come wait we need to pick a pick a Thanos because Thanos has sent the Noid. Thanos should be Grimace, I think. Yeah.

Just because of who looks wise. That's fair. Grimace is like, we got to send the Noid and Pepsi Man to New York to ruin all the pizzas. The Colonel goes to H Avenger in turn. Yes. And it's like, we got to go stop the Noid. Could they stop the Noid and pepsi man i feel like santa could yeah i feel like any one of them alone could the noid's tiny pick him up put him in

a sack whack it into a wall kool-aid man just drown them pick them up throw them in they drown drowning someone inside you powerful yeah pepsi man definitely seems like more of a henchman to the Noid. He doesn't seem like a fully fleshed villain. Absolutely. Well, Pepsi Man, he just says drink. That's it, you know? I just had a horrible thought about drowning someone inside you. So you know how there's like circular breathing?

Yeah. Imagine like reverse CPR where you've got a glass of water on your nose and you're sucking the water in through your mouth and then out of your mouth, straight into someone's mouth and you drown them that way. That's what my brain was thinking about. That is so bad. Have you ever done that thing where to clear your nostrils

you get a little thing of salt water? I thought you were about to ask, have you ever done that to somebody? Have you ever drowned somebody with your liquid inside of your body? Have you ever done that, Joel? Plumbing this death star feels like a safe space to admit that, no, I have no idea. Okay. It's good to know.

Yeah. Yeah, I think the thing with these Avengers mascots is that, the Avengers mascots, these mascot Avengers, is that the Noid is not hard to kill. Yep. Did you kill the Noid? I feel like I could. I feel like if I wrapped my hands around his throat, all he'd do is be like, and then die. I don't know what noise the Noid? I feel like I could. I feel like if I wrapped my hands around his throat,

all he'd do is be like, and then die. I don't know what noise the Noid make, but I'm going to assume it was a kind of high-pitched squabble. All right, so they've put together a terrible, terrible villain team. So what about this? Were you about to suggest what I think you're about to suggest, an Avengers v. Mascot Avengers rumble? I was going to suggest,

could our horrible version of the avengers take down loki but i like your idea better okay it's like a x-men v avengers but it's mascot avengers v regular avengers all right captain america v ronald mcdonald ronald mcdonald is a clown but can only manifest burgers captain america is the peak wait i i thought i thought, I thought our Ronald McDonald went through the super soldier serum, got frozen in the ice, or is he just Ronald McDonald?

That's true. Well, no, you're right. Now, our Ronald McDonald has the strength of, he is the ultimate peak clown. Just as Captain America is the peak human. I love the idea of Tommy Lee Jones being like, why'd you bring this guy in here? And then the scientist is like, I just think he's funny.

I don't know, he makes me laugh. Look at him, he's funny. That's great. It's great as well that that scientist who came up with the super clown serum is dead and everyone's like, well, you know. That's probably good. We don't need it. It doesn't help.

But do we think, I guess the question then becomes, can a clown kill a human? Yes, we've seen it. Yeah, that's a good point. I think Ronald McDonald kills Captain America with ease. Yeah. I wonder if you gave Ronald McDonald the super serum, would it pretty much just turn him into Pennywise?

I think possibly. But I also love the idea of ronald mcdonald holding captain america down maybe in the rain he puts his hand up to captain america's house and house mouth and just manifests burgers into it till he dies i think that's you know that's a fair assumption captain america needs to keep his metabolism up maybe that makes him more more powerful. He punches Ronald McDonald in his red nose. Does it honk? Yes, absolutely. Just checking.

Winter Soldier v. Hamburglar. Winter Soldier just riddles Hamburglar with bullets. Rabble, rabble. Okay, what about Mr. Peanut vs. Iron Man? I feel as though Iron Man could just crack open Mr. Peanut like a peanut. Would, in fact. Yeah, and then eat him. Yes.

Well, here's the thing, though. Is this just like they're fighting without any motivation, or is it that our team has gone bad and the Avengers have to take them down? Like, is Mr. Peanut trying to kill people when Iron Man's trying to stop him? It's rude to assume that our team of peak physical prowess has been corrupted and not that they are the evil ones. Maybe the mascot Avengers need to kill the regular Avengers, which is funny because they are fighting. Oh, we got one of three.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. Captain America's dead. He's full of boobs. It would be really funny for, like, the regular Avengers go evil, and Nick Fury's like, who do I get now? He goes after the mascot Avengers. That's all he could think to do.

He's like, I don't know. There's another group. I guess I'll get them. Although, speaking of Nick Fury, someone we haven't mentioned for a while, I feel like that we might be okay, because the Colonel will just step in with a gun. Yeah like that we might be okay because the colonel will just step in with a gun yeah that's true that's true i feel like the colonel not even with a gun with his cane could take out the regular avengers like in the middle of the big fight new york he's just like

hey now hey now hey now settle down and then he gives them like an old-timey whooping i don't think the avengers are ready for an old-y whoopin'. I don't think the Avengers are ready for an old timey whoopin'. Yeah, they haven't trained for that. Yeah. So I think what happens in the end, basically, is the Colonel comes in, gives them an old timey whoopin'. They go back to their respective universes, but then the Colonel's like, my team sucks.

He's like, great, I won, but we would have lost if I hadn't stepped in. We won, but at what cost? Yeah. So I guess what we've learned here today is that Great, I won, but we would have lost if I hadn't stepped in. We won, but at what cost? Yeah. So I guess what we've learned here today is that if you make a mascot Avengers, it won't be good because none of the mascots have powers. Yeah, it's not good. It's bad, in fact.

Yeah, but I'm glad that we went on this journey to come to that conclusion. Yeah. We've learned. We have. And what is Point Me to the Dirt are if not an educational podcast exactly which is maybe the opposite of what i claimed earlier in the episode the real plumbing the deaths are the friends that we made along the way and on that note i've been joel i've been jackson i've been mia and mia where can we find you tell us about your podcast yeah uh i host a show on the sands pants network called cynical cartoons a bunch of sands pants people come on it um yeah we watch ridiculous shitty saturday morning cartoons and kids movies and uh and i'm on twitter at stop tweeting mia hell yeah perfect everyone

should check out the podcast and follow you on twitter yeah go to sandspinsradio.com you'll see it there yeah you'll see pom and the rest, you'll see Plum in the Nest. I see cynical cartoons. I'll be like, wait a second. They're on the same network. We'll be like, yes. We said this. You've been duped. Got you, idiots. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter,

you can find us at Sandspantsradio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsAreDead. And I'm at douche13 I'm at olddogthedad and I'm at goddammitzammit if you want to hear our other shows

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sandspantsplus.com thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time goodnight for now but not forever kisses