Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Character Doesn't Have a Dog but Should Definitely Have a Dog? (Ft. Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall)

Episode Date: February 4, 2018

In which our heroes are joined by Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall to ask the hard hitting question; which fictional character doesn't have a dog but should definitely have a dog?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitAlasdair: https://twitter.com/alasdairtb Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans pants radio No! We're both in unison We both tried to do this at the same time But I was allowed to talk the longest And I finished the first Because I'm the polite boy You gotta come first

You don't come at all So this coming weekend Myself, Joel Zamet And three-time heavyweight champ Joel Dusha Are making our sweet way to Brisbane The city that never sleeps And then Canberra The city of sin

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of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like which fictional character doesn't have a dog but should definitely have a dog? For one zillion dollars, the question is, who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out who let the dogs out who let the dogs out spider-man all right oh okay just to set the rules and i'm sure we're already all on the same page you pick a person you give them

a dog the dog has the same powers as that person? Well, yeah, because I was thinking about, like, Batman's got Ace the Bat-Hound, which is a Batman dog, and Superman's got Crypto the Super-Dog, which is a Superman dog. So I was like, who else needs a dog? Spider-Man, apparently. Well, I really want Spider-Man just because I love... I'm trying to imagine where the web comes from,

and I can't. Because if it comes from his feet, his hands. He's just always webbing the ground. I just figured, like, his open mouth where his tongue is. Like, rah. That's a dog with its tongue torn out by just- No, no, no, no. It's like his back of his throat where your tonsils are.

There. How is that dog landing? On its paws. Because it has sticky paws. Oh, that's true. It'll land on a building. Like, think about it. Think about a dog looking up,

webbing onto, like, a lamppost, and then into a building. Because a dog's frame of movement is so different from a human being's. When Spider-Man's on a building, he can look down. He can look up to the side and behind him. When a dog's on a building, he can just look up. And to the side and behind him but a dog's on a building he

can just look up and to the side a bit but still up not down no look into the into the window of the building it's maybe the dog would have to sort of spin around like it does before it goes to sleep you know just to kind of get a sense of its surroundings where I know where everything is. Although, so, Spider-Man is a man with spider powers. A dog and a spider are similar than a man and a spider. That's true. I'll die on that hill. No, well, you're right, because

they're lower to the ground. They both nest. Yeah. They nest. Lay eggs. Yep. Absolutely. Dog eggs. Good breakfast food Both have a poison sack Yep Absolutely

Both bite And in Sydney They've got the big ones That chase you The struggle I think With spider dog Is that Peter Parker can keep

His spider powers secret Yeah But if Peter Parker's dog Like a dog doesn't know And also imagine Trying to chase That spider dog down What if spider dog Sees just a cat chase that spider dog down what if spider dog sees just a cat

there's fences what if spider dog sees a cat in like a 10 story building he's like I'm going up he'd web that cat Peter Parker has to act shocked every time spider dog does a spider thing he runs up a wall

Peter Parker's gonna be like oh my god I guess my dog is Spider-Dog. That's crazy. I'm not Spider-Man, I am Peter Parker. Would Peter Parker walk the dog with a webbing instead of a leash? If he wants to be found out. Okay, well, he'll have the mask on. So he'll be in his dog-walking outfit, but with a mask.

Yeah, that's fine. Then he'd use webbing to the dog's neck to move the dog around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to think that the dog's, maybe the dog's web does come out of either its back or neck and just shoots straight up that way. So then when it kind of like swings off of buildings, it kind of looks like one of those horses being like helicoptered out of a river. The best part is you'd be watching that you'd be like does the dog know what's happening the dog doing this or is the wet like you know the dog would just have that dog expression on his face as it's fun for the city like i'm a dog good i like to think that maybe

the the what actually happened is that the the radioactive spider actually just bit the back and maybe you know like we're all made of like sort of 50 creatures that aren't us maybe it was like it's the bacteria in his back that became spider bacteria dog bacteria right and so it's actually conscious and has the powers of a spider but the dog isn't so he just kind of goes along with the what the back wants this is my life i guess this. This is where I go. It's alright. Like a horse being helicoptered out of a lake. I really like that bacteria is like, and I guess fighting crime.

That's what I gotta do with this dog. Bacteria with a strong moral common sense. With great power comes great responsibility. I am a bacteria. Would you dress up the dog like Spider-Man? Give him a mask and everything? you don't need to hide the dog's secret identity. Because all dogs kind of look the same.

Oh, that's a bit on the... What kind of dog is it? Is he a Dalmatian? No, in my mind, it was like a little Jack Russell. I'm sure, yeah. I like to think that he's an old Jack Russell as well. So it's just kind of like he's worn down. His fur is sort of stiff.

He's tired. Sometimes he lands on a rooftop and just lies down and has to sleep. Or even on the wall. Exactly. Imagine you're working in a building and you just keep hearing little dog snores and you open up your window and look out and there's just a dog and you get a broom and you're like, get out of here

dog! Get out of here spider dog! You don't want to startle it and it falls. But then he just webs out his back. The bacteria does and he's off I think the main problem with Spider-Man having a spider dog Is that it seems like Spider-Man lost control of it Very quickly That spider dog's a stray

Yeah, because I guess it makes sense Like Peter Parker gets bit by the radioactive spider But it's not like he brought his dog along with him So it's not his dog You can't bring a dog into a lab like that oh maybe they allowed it maybe it was one of the like you know companion dogs maybe like to work day but also work is at a lab like like peter park he was a bullied kid maybe anxiety so in this kind of rewrite he had a companion dog yeah and so it's like you got to bring him fell on the dog and bit

the dog the bacteria all right and if the dog has anxiety then it kind of doesn't it like it makes sense that he would put have you seen those new lycra suits that you can put on dogs because it feels like a hug and they they get they get less anxiety from the coat sorry yeah yeah yeah we need to buy one for my dog because she does not like thunder that's great so maybe that was the reason in the first place that he kind of brought the the radioactive spider near the dog because he was like well he's already in a spider-man outfit. I don't know. Just fucking do it. I like that. You know,

Peter Parker's like, holy shit, I'm muscly. He's like, look at the mirror. Muscle dog. I've got muscles. He grabs his dog and checks out his abs.

Sick abs. Yes! Dog abs! I like to imagine the entire Spider-Man arc happening concurrently with the, like the dog's like, maybe I'll just use it for wrestling. Sure. But also the idea that now you could you could you could put out like a a dog ab calendar that would be a great source of income when like that because you know like the downfall of newspapers and things like that poor peter parker he'll be able to make all this work off of selling

you know money sexy dog calendars and like even though like you know you've got a hot peterer's got a high identity but he doesn't need to hide his identity of his dog he's like i got a sick dog isn't this sweet i let i let spider-man borrow it because he ate me and then i take pictures of spider-man it's not weird it's very funny if it's like spider-man has stopped spider-manning and he's just taking pictures of his dog a spot it's like well look i'm retiring from the crime fighting game but modeling and i'm letting the dog do all of the crime fighting. But if it is like one of them companion dogs or like, you know, helping anxiety, then like already it's a good dog.

Yeah, absolutely. And that strong sense of justice. Yeah, that's good. Imagine that dog barking at the Green Goblin. Yeah. You're causing people to have a bad time, Green Goblin. Okay, let's do this. I'll be Green Goblin, you'll be Spider Dog. Ah be spider dog ah spider man oh it's just the dog bark where's spider-man bark bark wolf i like that

the dog's not attacking it's the dog is engaging in the monologue with green goblin this is dialogue well i'll get you, I guess, spider dog. Then he does the same thing that happens in Spider-Man 1 and misses the dog. The dog's low to the ground. He gets himself. Sure, but then along comes another little flying vehicle with Green Goblin's dog. Oh, no.

Woof, woof. Grrr. Woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof, woof. Hey, get away you little two Come on now Heel, heel I'm just imagining that little dog on a glider

Like I'm just so worried for it It looks frightened It's gonna go out to sea and crash Some of his films have little dogs Like Venom just has like a little chihuahua That's got like the Venom suit A golden retriever that just crumbles into sand And reforms again

What is going on Why has Marvel not done You know they did like Ape Marvel And Hulk Marvel Dog Marvel It's good Cash in It's about time that Marvel starts expanding their universe A little bit good cash in yeah dogs are great it's about time

that Marvel starts expanding their universe a little bit to cash in I wanna see the M-C-E-D-U no M-C-D-U

the what Marvel Cinematic Dog universe yeah yeah yeah nah look me too I think we all do look everyone's worried they're like

Robert Downey Jr. is getting too old Do you know who doesn't get old? Dogs Dogs you can replace Really easily Dogs don't age Dogs get older faster No no no

Do you know how long Lassie stayed alive? Fucking forever 37 years Until they stopped doing Lassie shows You're like I'm pretty sure that this iron dog didn't have a grey snout no no it always did alright sometimes iron dog has a penis

sometimes it's got a vagina I don't know what that's about I don't know why they keep showing it that's it's super power probably it's a very graphic movie it does have an iron man suit but somehow it always leaves the genitals open I don't understand a very graphic movie. It does have an Iron Man suit, but somehow it always leaves

the genitals open. I don't understand. I mean, look, I feel like in the superhero posters, like women often get sort of, you know, like... Sexualized, yeah? Yeah, sexualized a little bit.

But this dog with the sort of vagina close-ups, I'm starting to feel that they're even getting a worse deal. What happened to the Marvel Cinematic Universe? I said that turning everyone into dogs was going to be a worse deal. What happened to the Marvel Cinematic Universe? I said that turning everyone into dogs was going to be a bad thing.

Look at it now. Well, I don't know. Did you see the Prophets of Iron Man 6? Yeah, look. Dog Iron Man. Iron Dog. Dog Iron Man. He's a dog Everyone was bitten by the radioactive dog

So what do we think of spider dog As an addition to Peter Parker's Not helpful More hassles He runs away It seems like spider man hasn't got control of his dog But the purpose of a pet isn't always that they're useful, right? He's not Spider-Sheepdog.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, going for a run with Spider-Man. I'm going for a patrol, and he could be swinging, and then Spider-Dog could be shooting his web from his back and swinging alongside him. Yeah, absolutely. That'd be great. So companionship.

Hi. Hi. Yeah, because you can also hang on the side of a building. You can, like, imagine you're, like, doing that classic Spider-Man where you hang upside down with your web between your feet, you know, that one. Oh, yeah. And he's eating a sandwich, like in a classic,

and he's just giving little bits of Spider-Dog. That's great. That's really nice. So Spider-Man. The dog can't be upside down. The dog is just hanging, like. All right. How's this for a scene?

Okay. Legs moving a bit. Spider-Man gives it a bit of bread. It's like, yeah, good... All right. How's this for a scene? Okay. Legs moving a bit. Spider-Man gives it a bit of bread. It's like, yeah, good. All right. All right. So, okay. So, you got Spider-Man.

You got a scene. All right. So, okay. You got the scene. Spider-Man's sitting down. His mask's up a little bit. He's licking an ice cream. He's like, one lick for me, one lick for you.

Spider-Dog's sitting there next to him. He licks over. He's like, yep. He gets a lick back and forth. And then the camera pans. Yeah. So, like sideways or rotates and they're on the side of a building. That's great.

That's a great scene. That's phenomenal. I want that. Yeah. I mean, he could maybe shoot one web out of his belly if he wanted a belly rub. Yeah. You know? That way he can hang upside down as well.

We're getting way too close to genitals again. I'm unpleasant. Oh, yeah. There'll be a lot of close-ups of the dick and balls, that furry ball bag that those dogs have. Dog dicks are the worst. You and your dog. Yeah, let's get this one neutered.

Spider-Man's very aggressive. Because, again, also, if you don't neuter Spider-Dog, I feel that's going to be a menace and then J. Jonah Jameson's going to have like Spider-Dog menace. The amazing Spider- Jonah Jameson's going to have like spider dog menace. The amazing Spider-Man 6. Dog Spider-Man gets neutered.

Oh, that'd be the craziest if like, because when other like female dogs are in heat in all of New York City, he can zoom around impregnating all these dogs. And he's got spider sense and shit. Oh, you know what the worst part is? There's going to be a dog fucking apocalypse because remember what happened when Peter Parker impregnated someone with radioactive cum? She died. She sure did. Either a lot of dead dogs

or a lot of spider dogs being born. A lot of spider litter. A lot of female dogs dying, but then a lot of spider dog litters. Imagine if the dogs get burst into just actual spiders. Oh, that is wild. Like dogs, or hybrids. So like dogs with spider legs.

I was just imagining just tarantulas. Like tarantulas. Suckling on the teats of a mama dog. Just because that's the worst thing I think I've thought of in years. You've made it worse. You've made spider worse? You've made Spider-Dog so much worse. I feel like I lost

any chance of redemption there. I feel like I've lost Spider-Dog. But also their one dog power is that they can go around and impregnate dogs. Exactly. These tarantulas that can just spread around America. It's a tarantula with a dog penis.

It's the best part of the tarantula and the best part of the dog. It's a tarantula with fucking dog balls scuttling along a highway. I've never been unhappier. And I'm a man who's been unhappy Fuck me Alright Okay Godzilla

Big dog For a big bloke Has a little rest in a park Takes a shit Kills someone Destroying a city or saving Japan Is like you need that companionship. Absolutely.

It's a lonely job. It's a lonely job. And the best companion for this is a giant dog. Yeah. Is it like a giant lizard dog? What are we talking? I assume so, yeah. With spikes in its back and everything.

So are we talking like it's kind of just looks like a Komodo dragon or something? Like a lizard. Like a regular styled lizard. Yeah, yeah. Komodo dragon, but like furry a lizard. Yeah. Like a regular styled lizard. Yeah, yeah. Komodo dragon, but like furry and with a dog face. Right, right. And of course dog tentacles, because I feel we need to specify. Yeah.

It's like lizards have their retracted. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Dogs are meant to, except for when they do bad things. Not Godzilla. He's encouraging it. Well, I mean, like, I feel like a dog is less, and it's going to be the problem with all of these dog companions,

a dog is less controlled than a person. But Godzilla is already not controllable, right? So it's kind of almost on equal footing of Godzilla. Yeah, that's true. Like, in fact, I would say a Godzilla dog may be more controllable than Godzilla. Jack's knocking over his mug of coffee. It was empty.

Thank God. Which is, frankly, the biggest surprise of all. Yeah. You didn't ruin anything. Except the flow of the episode. I do like the idea of, like, dudes in helicopters coming upon the big Godzilla dog and just being, like, through a megaphone, see it. See it. And he just see it.

So they're like, yep, good. Good boy. Round him up. Somebody put one of those dog catchers, like getting the local dog catcher from like- From a helicopter. Yeah, and he's got to pick up the dog, the big dog, put it somewhere.

In the sea, probably. Back in the sea. That's where they always put Godzilla. And imagine like fighting Mothra, when you have Godzilla, but who's backing him up? Godzilla dog. But have you ever seen a dog try and catch a moth?

I have. Melody last night ate a fly out of the air. I was very impressed with her. When I was babysitting Melody, I put her in a garage. Sorry. That's all right. I was in the garage, too. Was there a bowl of water?

Yeah. It's fine. There was a bowl of water. There was a couch. She was fine. Was there a giant lizard? There was no giant lizard, but. There was a bowl of water. There was a couch. She was fine. Yeah. Was there a giant lizard? There was no giant lizard, but she did eat a lot of flies.

Like a lot. Yeah. She caught like four. She's good at it. So we know that Godzilla dog can eat flies, but it's uncoordinated again. He's going to be like, oh, and then smash into a bill. Well, yeah. But that's good because Godzilla often wants to destroy Japan.

Yeah, yeah. He's conflicted. I think that's a bad sign for people who are going to be flying helicopters trying to tell it to sit. Yeah, that's true. Arf. Arf. Crushed. It may chase them as well.

What's bark in Japanese? I don't know. I like that we always send Godzilla back to the sea. He comes from there. Go back to where you came from. Don't put him home. Yeah, but that's like when you punish a kid and send it to its room. Why? It likes

its room. Send it to jail. What does Godzilla do while he's underwater? Chills. I imagine he sleeps. Just sleeps? And a big part of a dog's day is sleeping. Yeah, that's true. Dogs fucking love sleeping.

And imagine this. You've got Godzilla curled up in the bay next to him. Dog Godzilla. It's very, look, companionship. We don't have categories at all, but companionship is high. Yeah, yeah. And again, if you want to help destroy Japan, our dog is very good at this. Especially if it's a young

puppy. Because then it's just not going to stop. No. Oh, they're always chewing on things. Yeah, exactly. Do you guys want to know what a Godzilla dog will sound like? puppy. Because then it's not going to stop. Oh, they're always chewing on things. Yeah, exactly. Do you guys want to know what a Godzilla dog will sound like? Yeah. Jesse.

That's bark in Japanese. Jesse. Well, I'm assuming the dogs still just bark too, Sean. No, they say

Juhi. Juhi. Juhi. I don't think I would be very scared if I were It sounds like it's using a tone with me. Like, it's like, you didn't get it the first time.

This is a bit slower, dickhead. Anyway. I think my problem with the dog going out to the sea is that Godzilla being a lizard, I'm guessing it's an amphibious creature, but the dog isn't amphibious. And so it would probably be just doggy paddling above. And so you could always find Godzilla's... It could always find Godzilla's location in the ocean.

Oh, yeah, he's underneath the dome. He's right there. That's cool. We're like, okay, let's send Godzilla back to the sea. And we see Godzilla submerges himself and the dog paddles after him. We're like, well, thank God they're gone. But then a week later, a giant dog corpse just rolls onto the beach. And we're like, that's right. Dogs can't breathe underwater.

I imagine they had a bit of a lead or whatever to a post. And he's just doing doggy paddle laps around. How do you... So like... But just quickly. Yeah. So like with Godzilla, and I'm sure this is probably addressed in the films, but whatever. The most recent Godzilla film is trash.

Yeah. The American one, the Japanese one was real good. good need to clarify that before i can hear the emails already yeah yeah yeah yeah dear plumbing the death just that ding sound i can hear here we go shin godzilla is a return i know it's a return to dogs can breathe underwater my dog lives in my pool. Well, I'm so sorry. Dog dick isn't the grossest dick. The grossest dick is a duck dick. It's a corkscrew. I've attached 35 images. Best of luck. I think an echidna dick

is like a fist. Dicks are already aggressive. You don't need to make them into a fist to make it scarier Sounds like the kind of dick A dictator would have The kind of dick that you can look at And you can be like that's a symbol for this movement

Snakes have tooth So the dog is on top of Godzilla in the ocean We're like oh Godzilla's there What do you do No but that's how we created Godzilla If anything they just feed them. And if Godzilla can, like, you know, if a spider dog can have, like,

webbing, I reckon, like, Godzilla dog. Dogzilla, which is the obvious one we've been avoiding. God dog. God dog, yeah. Dogzilla. Could he grow some gills? Yeah, yeah, whatever. He can breathe underwater. Godzilla and Dogzilla, that's good. He can breathe underwater. Godzilla and Dogzilla, that's good. He can breathe

underwater. You take, like, the prefix is dog because it's a dog. Godzilla's not a god. I'd work with him. He is big, that's fair. Um, look, and if he can't get gills, at the very least Godzilla would have a big air pocket

under where his armpit is. And he could probably just sit in there breathing in his sort of godzilla's arms just to quickly go back hold the breath yeah how big does the thing have to be before you start worshiping it you said it's big so you worship godzilla as a god no no i probably wouldn't worship godzilla as a god oh really not big enough not big enough wow i would what do you mean to be real that's big has to be so big that i'm not sure what i'm looking at. Like the moon? You think that if you were looking at a Godzilla, you're probably like, that's a Godzilla?

Or would you be like, holy shit. No, I know it was a big lizard. If I'm down at, I want to be looking at, so you know I'm like down at Godzilla's foot. Yeah. I'm like, that's a toenail. I want it to be so big. I'm like, what is this big white mountain?

I guess it just depends on how close you are to it as well. Like if you're, if you're sort of like laying on his foot. Well, if I feel my face pressed up against his toenail, I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to worship this. Yeah, but even if I could see that toenail, I could be like, this is a toenail of a very big being, which is a god.

It's not big enough. It needs to be gargantuan. I'm out there. You're out there worshipping mammoths. I'm out there worshipping the moon. Even the sun, that thing's huge. Also, like, I feel like the sun looks so tiny. Yeah, I probably wouldn't worship the sun.

Moon, though. Big. Moon, huge. Only on certain days of the month, though. Why is it up there? I don't know. But I pray for guidance. Who is the moon for? But no, I'm thinking Godzilla, the moment you heard it, you're like, can't be God, I heard it. I can't hurt God. Yeah. Or

I'm God. That's true. So, this might be a weird one, but I feel like it's easier to get into the brain of the Dogzilla than of Godzilla. As in, like, physically? Yes, as in physically climb in and put a bomb on it or something. Oh, right. Because

of the big floppy ears? Yeah, because I don't know where Godzilla's ears are. I don't even know if he has any. But I can tell where a dog's are. So I'm in a helicopter and they bring me close and I jump out, clamber into the ear canal with dynamite, like a cowboy or whatever. Punch it to its drum.

Throw the dynamite and clamber out and jump out of the dog as it explodes behind me. Why are you killing this dog? Because it's destroying Japanapan it saved it sometimes yeah and it's probably it's probably like you know also just sniffing a lot of the buildings probably only accidentally destroying japan you're a dog murderer you don't know what yeah what is your plan then yeah you you've seen how upset people get when people when people kill-sized dog. Imagine how upset the emails you will get. I will be doing press conferences.

People will be like, Dear Plumbing the Deck's Death Star, C.C. Jackson Bailey, why'd you kill that big dog? It was destroying the fucking city. I'd do it again. You are a murderer. You're a bunch of animals. You're a monster.

Hey, weird thing. I reckon I'd worship Clifford the Big Red Dog before I worshipped Dogzilla. Yeah, I agree, 100%. But he's so much smaller. Yeah, but he's big and red. He's benevolent looking. Yeah. Wait, why are you guys worshipping? Why do you guys just worship big things? I don't understand this.

Part of my brain. Oh, this building is quite big. I've seen the Empire State Building in real life once. It was fucking so many breasts. It was a six month period in my teens where I worshipped the Empire State Building in real life once. It was fucking so many friends. There was a six-month period in my teens where I worshipped the Rialto Tower in Melbourne. Like, hey, we're building this big tower. I'm like, guys, you see the new god they're putting up and down? And the Eureka was built, and I was like, fuck, a better god.

I realised the first one was just a tower. Nietzsche was warning us about this when he said God was dead, and we were going to try to find something to fill that void. Exactly. This is exactly what Nietzsche was thinking us about this when he said God was dead and we were going to try to find something to fill that void. Exactly. This is exactly what Nietzsche was thinking about. Big things. The bigger, the better to worship.

How big is Godzilla in comparison to a whale? Godzilla's much bigger than a whale. Yes, because I wouldn't worship a whale. No, neither. But I think Clifford the Big Red Dog told me about him seems godlike. But he's as big as a house. Godzilla is as big as like

a skyscraper just speaking of whales quickly have you guys ever wanted to be inside a whale yeah absolutely just checking

yeah like live there for a bit just double checking yeah no because I wasn't sure because like in Pinocchio it's like a they seem sick

yeah they're like oh no we got eaten by a whale but he's having a right time in there Jimmy Cricket I think places should have like an inner whale experience. Yeah.

Imagine a cruise ship, but actually it's just a whale and you're in its mouth. Imagine a theme park, but it's like every area is the inside of different animals. Of big animals. Oh, this is my favorite Plum in the Dust-Dark game. Imagine a thing, but it's a whale. Imagine a plane, but it's a whale. That's great. It falls out of the sky sky but it hits the sea

and you're all right i like that i like if you were taking let's say just a normal quantus flight yeah to america but they sort of they've decked out the inside so that the roof is all kind of fleshy and it looks like it has kind of ribs along the top like that the floor just has water that's swooshing back and forth and everything they bring you to eat is just chum just yeah chum or crilton lots and lots of krill and they've got muffled like whale sounds like it's coming from outside like the and you're in the ocean technically so you don't have to get up to go to the bathroom you can just go yeah you're just gonna lie down on the water on the water people always like don't piss in the pool but no one's ever like don't piss in the ocean yeah they're like dolphins piss in the ocean if it no one's ever like don't piss in the ocean. Yeah. They're like, dolphins piss in the ocean.

If it's good enough for dolphins, it's good enough for me. Like the other week, we were at the beach and I was with Adam and Jack and I was like, we're in the ocean. I'm like, guys, it sucks because I really got a piss, but we're in the ocean. And you both just looked at me and laughed and was like, I just went three minutes ago. And I'm like, I'm an idiot. and was like, I just went three minutes ago. And I'm like, I'm an idiot.

And released my bladder onto the vastness that is the ocean. It was great. It would be nice to pee in space as well. Yeah. Scary. It'd stick to your penis. You ever seen that guy when he wrings out a wet towel and it collects around his arms? It'd be like that around your dick.

But it is. No, because you put your dick in a hole. Oh, there is force. No, that there's yeah especially like from from inside of your suit i guess you would have to be out of your suit put your penis out like a little hole yeah but then we're kind of getting sucked out like and then i would have it like wouldn't my insides and just be out of my people it's a real shame that Joel Zammett died in space when he got sucked out his own dick hole. It feels like a depressurization

thing. Yeah, fair, fair. But somehow worse, because I went through my own dick. You fell out your own urethra and that's nasty as hell. Fuck, that's good. So maybe they could just put you in one of those like you know one of those lock chambers before you go and like fix the outside of the iss yeah yeah like that and then

but they they allow you to get naked and then you can just piss and then you can hold on to some handles and then they vacuum the piss out of the room i guess and then and then you can put your clothes back on and go to a porthole and watch it float away. Yeah. I think that it's like the way that it works, based on my knowledge of, I almost said Ocean's 13, but I meant Apollo 13.

Of Ocean's 13, when they have the space heist. Yep. Yeah, no, but like, yeah, there's like a tube thing that they just attach to their suit and they pierce into it and then it shoots out into space.

Yeah, that's disappointing. No, it's still pretty good. You get to watch your piss float away. Yeah. All right, so Godzilla dog. No, it's still pretty good. You get to watch your piss float away. Yeah. All right. So Godzilla dog. Sorry. Dogzilla.

Dogzilla. I digress. Well, it's funny that we were talking about whales earlier because I thought the character that I thought would be interesting if he had a dog would be Moby Dick. The white dog. So he's trying to catch a dog is he at sea still? well no Moby Dick is the whale

itself right? Ahab is the guy so Ahab is trying to get the dog but I know he's trying to get the whale but then the whale does have a dog that's another layer to a story that I feel like needed more layers

is the dog just huge and white is that the plan or is it just like i like to think that it's just a corgi just but i know corgi though hey now by no i'll buy no corgi yeah absolutely and i think the you know so when when moby dick killed uh ahab's friend which i think is a thing that happened yeah i think that's what causes the... Call me Ishmael or something. Call me Ishmael or something is the beginning of the book. It's the beginning of the thing.

Call me Ishmael. I think maybe in the book we're seeing it from the point of view of Ishmael. Yeah, and he's like, hey Ahab, call me Ishmael. He's talking to Ahab. Oh boy, I should have come up with a character from a book that any of us have no no no this is good no because maybe dick because it's good because what you've picked

is like now the book moby dick explores a future futility of like man and also there's a dog that is on the side of the whale is it on top of the whale because i'm imagining now that it's like surfing the whale breached always it's to make it a lot easier for old Ahabby to... See, I think it's when Ahab is about to stab the whale, he then looks into the eyes of the corgi, and he's like, oh, that's so cute. Maybe the monster is me, is what he says. And then he rolls, and the corgi's like, belly raps?

I like to imagine as he goes to throw the spear at the corgi, the corgi's like, a stick, and grabs the spear and saves Moby Dick's life, and it's actually just clever planning on moby dick's part moby dick is like i know about i'm a whale yes but i know about dogs and i know they love to play fetch a human game i'm a clever whale yeah and and i think that uh you know you don't want to have to so i think yeah you don't want to have to kill a whale to find out the lesson that you can't get revenge on an animal. Yeah, that's true.

I think it's a lot of animal to have to waste. And that's why you do carry around a small... A smaller animal so that if he kills the Moby Dog or whatever it is... Dog Moby Dick, come on. Yeah, you're right. Moby Dog is too clever. Dog Moby Dick. Come on. Moby Dog is too clever. Dog Moby Dick. For example, like on the

ship. Or Dog Dick. I mean, it's fitting. It's a comfortable circle. Moby Dick and his dog, Dog Dick. Dog Dick. Yep. Yes. How do we end up here well how do we always end up here because why because we all laugh so hard at it that's why we end up just like hey guys today's episode for modesta

imagine a tarantula with a dog dick anyway thanks for listening to our podcast that's it you heard the peak of the episode then. So, all right, so dog dick is like maybe... Okay, look. Yep. The other character

that I had come up with, right, instead of Moby Dick was Jesus, right? Oh, miracle dog. Yeah. Right, now,

now obviously we would just like to picture Jesus with a dog. Yes. Or, picture Jesus with a dog or picture Jesus with a dog dick

I'd just like to imagine that explains why it never really made sense to me in all drawings of the crucifixion and all they've just covered his shame really if he's being crucified they would definitely have taken that off but they've put like they've just covered his shame really if he's being crucified they would definitely have taken that off but they've been like

good lord cover that dog dick on a man and the Romans removed his loincloth and there it was a dog dick it's like it's like God's up in heaven he's like

I gotta make a new boy I'm nearly finished I gotta make a new boy. I'm nearly finished. I just need a penis. They're like, okay, well, uh... We've only got dog dicks. Do you have it? Oh, no. I don't have a human. What's the next close? He's not gonna need it. It'll be fine.

Chuck a dog penis on him. So, Jesus with the cock of a dog. And, Jesus with the cock of a dog. And a dog with the cock of a man. The true miracle of God. I think I'd be more likely to believe someone was the son of God if they had a dog penis and a penis dog. I think it's far...

I'd be more worried if they'd swapped. Because it seems like it was a conscious decision. Because you'd be looking at the dog with a man's penis and then looking at Jesus and being like, is that your penis? Yeah. On the dog. Did you swap? If so, why? If not, how did this coincidence happen? Jesus would be like, please, it's not important.

I'm the son of the Lord and I got some wisdom. You'd be like, yeah, we'll get to that. That's it. I'm wearing a loincloth from now on. That's great because that implies Jesus was just new. Well, that kind of makes sense because like with the whole Adam and Eve thing, they're like, it was only once they learned of sin that they were like full with shame. So technically Jesus shouldn't feel that as he is the son of God.

Yeah, that's true. Until people started questioning and badgering him about his horse. Horse dick! But also people are used to seeing just dog dicks out and about. So he's like, well what? It's not a human cock.

It's a dog dick. You are offended for some reason. You shouldn't be. Look at that dog over there. You're not mad about that. Yeah, that's what I mean. I've covered my dog's human dick. Fair enough. That's unusual.

So it's kind of like a bizarre Freaky Friday slash the fly with Jesus and his dog, but mostly genital based. Primarily genital focused. But also the dog can obviously do miracles. It turns water into wine or whatever, but like human penis. Walks on water, but like, it's got your human dick.

I'm very sick. She's just being like, well, I'll just get my dog to heal you. And I'm like, no. Just let me die, I'll just get my dog to heal you. And I'm like, no. Just let me die, I think. Okay, I'll heal you. No. Am I going to get...

Yeah, you can heal me, but am I going to get... I'd be worried I was going to get a dog dick. Maybe that's... Lazarus is back from the dead. Guys, guess who's back? It's Lazarus and now he has a dog dick No, Jesus, stop it

Like, who was it the wandering Jew just being like Ah, fuck you for being crucial I cursed you to walk the earth forever and I have a dog dick Jesus Enough What's wrong with you?

The stigmata is going to be so much different. He heals a blind man, but all the man can see is dog pics. He came unto me. I miss being blind. He came unto me. He had holes in his hands. Hands. I'm glad they've edited the Bible.

They got rid of all references. At some point they were like, that's just not on. And also because Jesus is Jewish, he's circumcised, so his lipstick is always out. Oh no. I thought it couldn't get worse.

No sir. My word. I picked a dog, but it doesn't even fucking matter anymore. We know who the winner is. Jesus and his fucking circumcised dog dick. Perfect. We did it. No, no, no. Let's hear

yours. Let's hear your dog. Darth Vader or some shit, I guess. Force dog. Is he wearing a suit? No, dick out. He's just a dick with a dog face instead of a dick. Fictional character

just a big, wants a big disembodied penis cause that I want that to have a dog like I guess the helmet would be right yeah

yeah yeah if you paint your knob black like with the markers it's Vader yeah that's unpleasant for your dick

it's dangerous sometimes that's toxic the paint also like imagine trying to yeah rub it off's toxic. It's a pain. But also, like, imagine trying to, yeah, rub it off. There's a French film called Kill a Condom. Yeah. I think it's like that. So if you gave that a dog, it's basically just a dick.

Yeah, there you go. I'm just trying to find the essence of this episode. It's easy. Just imagine a dog's penis. We did it. Orgasmo Yeah I don't want a dog that can give me an orgasm Where I'm like

That's a nice dog What the fuck Excuse me, did your dog make me come with powers I'm sorry, he does that He's a bad dog Can I borrow your dog we're sending him to puppy school but it's not working but it makes you have a dog orgasm

what is you know what it just felt different just felt different to normal just like oh wolf oh no well that's bad This felt different to normal. Just like, oh, wolf. Oh, no. Well, that's bad.

This is all bad. This is not good. This is a bad time. When does this come out? Because I've got to tell my mom to never go on the internet again. I'm excited for our sponsors to hear this episode um well yeah look a dog with force powers I guess or some shit

it just doesn't matter none of this matters when we started it's like what an innocent time this would be maybe I'd be like hey Wolverine with a dog cause you have the dog that has the skeleton that's funny I'm like oh Spider-Man dog he can't he's wrong for that

kind of movement remember we started talking about having an Iron Man suit with a dog vagina very visible we should have known that like that's like the first rumbles before a volcano erupts so you're like what the fuck is that it was like wait what you know that you got that little like

you get the earthquake machine that's like scratching know that you got That little like Not a You get the earthquake machine That's like scratching On the paper That was just like A big We're like guys It's gone down

Something's coming Something's Coming on its way We've got to evacuate We didn't listen And look at us now Simon's got his head on the table. He's done.

Put a fork in me. I'm done. I'm done. Well, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I have been Alistair. And I've also been Joel. And where can we find you, Alistair?

You can find me on Twitter at AlistairTB or on the podcast, Two in the Think Tank, where we come up with sketch ideas where the boys have been guests previously. We've been recent guests, yes. He's good. He's great. Well, thank you very much for coming and thank you for having me on your podcast.

Anytime. This is the dog plumbing the dog dick. Plumbing the cock dog star. Dog plumbing the death star dick. Plumbing the dog death star dick. And now a word from our sponsors. Thanks for listening, and if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio,

or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRad, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com, and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to

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