Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Character Who Doesn't Have a Horse Should Have a Horse?

Episode Date: January 19, 2020

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Sants Pants Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Hello everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which fictional- Whoa, my words didn't work there. Whoa! Easy! Whoa, Nelly! This is full of so much coffee.

Where we ask the important questions like, which fictional character who doesn't have a horse should have a horse? Okay, well, it's very simple. You've got to think about it. It's immensely simple. It's very simple because you've got to think about like... It is. It's immensely simple. It's a simple equation.

You've just got to think about like a horse and how magical they are and what they will bring to the table. And well, like, is there anything a horse can't do? No. So I think the person who probably needs a horse the most, Tony Stark, a.k.a. Iron Man, so he can give that horse some armour because that's unfortunately what a horse doesn't have. That is the one thing a horse

is missing. We earlier claimed that a horse was perfect. Nay, we were incorrect. Horses lack built-in armor. When you say Tony Stark, you said Tony Stark, not Iron Man, and the idea of him just needing one for his lab. He needs someone to test on, you know. We need to test this horse gun.

Well, look, he has a dodgy heart, and what has a big heart but a horse? We need someone to test on We need to test this horse gun Well look He has a dodgy heart And what has a big heart but a horse So you need to maybe Do some experiments Also Jackson Imagine a horse with an arc reactor That's good

Now we're torturing the horse Not just giving an arm away Tony Stark Morally grey area. Yes, he is. Not great man. Okay, so again, it's like... Horse.

So it's... Tony Stark, that other lad, he was there. They all both get captured by terrorists. The Ten Rings have Tony Stark and his mate in the cave. Tony Stark, a mate, and a sneaky horse is also there. Tony Stark is like, well, I just can't operate on myself because, ooh, that's bad. And I can't operate on old mate there because of ethics.

What's this horse? Maybe Tony Stark, he survives. He's fine in the explosion, but the horse has trapped all in its heart. And Tony's like, oh, no. And so instead of making himself an arc reactor, instead of Tony Stark becoming Iron Man, he makes an iron horse. Iron horse. Iron horse. Okay, so Tony Stark needs a horse because then it saves him from the explosion.

It puts shrapnel in his heart and then he can turn this horse into a superhero. And now he has a life debt to the horse. So he has to use his science to keep that horse alive at all times. A Han Solo chewbacca. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As the more pure. The missile is about to hit one of the many horses

trained for this exact situation. Leaps in front of it and takes the missile for Tony. Tony is then like, oh my God, gets captured by the Ten Rings. He's in his cell.

He knocks on the cell next to him and that guy's like, yeah, I've also been captured. He knocks on the other one and he hears a weak and he's like, I've got to save that fucking horse. It'll save my life.

Well, that's good, because fast forward to the end of Iron Man 1. Yeah. This is Iron Horse. Okay, go out here. Here's going to be the lie about the horse, okay? It's just a horse, I know. It's just a bodyguard or whatever. I don't know who this horse is.

It's just a weird... yeah, that's my horse. And then he gets there. He looks down at the piece of paper that says, it's just my horse. It is Iron Horse. Whoa! And then you get this lovely pull-out shot of this horse trying to balance on a donut or whatever.

It's very funny to imagine that scene in Iron Man 1 where Iron Man in the Mark I armor bursts out and scares all of the Ten Rings guys, but it's a fucking horse. Oh, my God, he armored up the horse. Oh, my God. That's such a hard thing to do in secret. Also, when Tony Stark is using the Iron Man suit

and he's kind of like got his hands. He's figuring it out. He's figuring it out. He's like, oh, shit. He's basically just slipping all over the place in midair now imagine that on four hooves wow how okay let's put ourselves in the in tony's rocket boots yes where how do you test it do you go a rocket on each hoof or do you put one rocket on one hoof and you just dial it to the gentlest things and the horse is going to balance a little bit. Get it used to that.

My fear is that you do all four hooves, you accidentally turn it up to like 11 and it just shoots out the window to see and you're like, oh no. Do you remember what happens when Tony's testing his own Iron Man suit originally? No, remind me.

So he turns it on and shoots him into the ceiling and then he falls onto the ground. Oh, yeah, that's a dead horse. Crack! Oh, my God, it's neck. It's big, thick neck. We like just the front two, but not the back two. Flips.

Flips. Lands on its spine. Oh, my God. Tony has to shoot an horse. Pepper's coming down and being like, you killed so many horses, Tony. I can perfect it Peppa It's not even the first horse

Let's just try the back two Imagine Tony Stark running down the road As a horse propelled by it's back legs Front legs Yeah being like Just like freaking out Oh my god come back before The government sees.

The government want this. You know, Tony. Iron Man 2 doesn't happen because the government are like, no. We don't need that. Horses are, we can use, no. We've got a car. Tony, if you try to put that suit on a man. What?

No, it's so dangerous. That's fucked up. It's so unsafe. This horse needs it. Look at its heart. Or lack thereof. It's sick, it's so dangerous. That's fucked up. It's so unsafe. This horse eats it. Look at its heart. Or lack thereof. It's sick, Tony. Come on.

It's sick from the arc reactor. You've got to stop this. Can horses throw up? I don't know. I'm finding out more and more that fewer and fewer animals can throw up than I thought they could. You know rats can't? What? Why not?

Rats can't throw up. That's why rat poison works. Because a rat eats the rat poison and can't get rid of it. That's why we can't eat rat poison. Dogs, though, can't eat rat poison and dogs can throw up. Don't eat rat poison. But I can. I will be okay. No, no, no. You

don't eat rat poison. Jackson can't eat rat poison. I'll be alright if I have just a little bit. What happens if you eat rat poison? You're okay. I know it's poison, but what actually happens? You get poisoned, you vomit, you're good. You got it out. You got a bit of a taste.

You know how cyanide has never killed anyone? Because you have some, it's poison. You throw it up and you're done. That's why the rats die, they can't get rid of it. Although, isn't cyanide an extra strong poison? It's not rat poison. No, there's no cyanide in rats die. They can't get rid of it. Although, isn't cyanide an extra strong poison? It's not rat poison.

No, there's no cyanide in rat poison. I can eat rat poison. They don't just sell cyanide over the counter. I'm not going to eat rat poison, but I can eat rat poison. What if one day you did? Well, if that eventuality happens, I'm ready for it. It's easy. Step one, eat the rat poison.

Step two, throw off. Step one, find some rats in need of protecting Step two, say not today Eat the rat poison Step three, give the rats a little thumbs up Go vomit in the backyard I can spew, it's okay I can throw this up, you can't

That's right Then they eat your vomit and then they die anyway. Oh, no. My rats. They're my rats now. Yes. What about the rat from Ratatouille? He could go with a horse.

He could go with a horse. That's right. I thought you were going to be like, he could eat rat poison. He could eat rat poison. Does he throw up? And he find in Ratatouille. Man, that's a real risk. Rat poison must still smell good to Remy the rat.

Like if they put rat poison in the kitchen. Why do you put this rat in the kitchen? Have you tried this? Remy, that's rat poison. No, but I smell it and see the colour. Come on, it smells real good. Imagine that scene where he's like, okay, okay, to his big fat brother. He's like, you get a strawberry and you get some rat poison.

Put these in your mouth. What does it taste like? Remy, I can't throw up none of us, guys. Oh, no. I think a big plot point of Ratatouille is he knows the smell of rat poison. That's his job in the hive or whatever. Yes, the hive of rats. The rat hive.

How does Iron Man 3 play out? The queen rat was Remy's rude mean dad. In Iron Man. Remy had a horse, though. Imagine all the cooking he could do. All the horse meat he could slice up and fry. Okay, so Jackson, can you describe your favorite video on the internet to me, please? The video is, and everybody should look this up,

you know, right now if you can. Open a new tab. Don't close this. Keep the tab open. Get the video up for you on YouTube. Horse eats baby chicken. It's a horse, and it's snuffling around with its foul horse lips,

and there's a little baby chicken cheep, cheep, cheeping away, and the horse's gobbling terrifying livery mouth like a fucking spider crawls over to the baby chicken and it goes cheep cheep cheep because the horse has consumed the chicken whole and the moment you watch this video it's like you've stepped out of plato's cave and you're like the covenant of the farm is no more. There are no rules. A horse can eat a baby chicken. God is dead.

Well, yes, but like again. Baby chicken, about the same size as a rat. Remy is like, let me get in your house. But Remy can crawl on said horse. Yeah, but Remy, if Remy wants to cook and Remy gets in the mane of a horse and then that horse approaches a French restaurant and he's like

they're going to be like I don't know what's happening I'm going to say bonjour I'm going to shoot that horse bonjour why are you at my restaurant un horse why

police no close the door. So Iron Man having a horse. Iron Man 3. Think about how high he could get. He could get the maximum height Iron Man could get now and then a horse's height.

Exactly. That's pretty. Hey, it's worth it. Imagine Avengers, right, where he is rocketing into space. Now imagine that on the back of a terrified horse. But imagine it's just the horse and Tony's down on the ground like, you're saving the world, horse.

Because yeah, he wouldn't learn a lesson. Tony doesn't do self-sacrifice. The horse does. He could just be like, ah yes, I have this horse but also have... He's basically like, hey, you know you could have a drone, right? Yeah, but what if the drone was out?

It's less complicated than a drone. It's like, what if you had a catapult that shot a horse? I'm just loving in Iron Man 3 where Tony's like, come attack my, I'm Iron Man. Yeah, 10 rings or whatever the Mandarin, come fight me. He's just like, come fight my horse. That's right. We got a horse. We got a horse.

Come fucking kill it. I don't give a shit. And then they come and destroy his horse, who is, that's right. We got a horse. We got a horse. Come fucking kill it. I don't give a shit. And then they come and destroy his horse, who is, let's not forget, just a horse. Man, hey, so at the end of Iron Man 1, does Nick Fury come to Iron Man and is like, I'm making an initiative, an Avengers initiative, and I need your horse.

Or is he like, no, thanks. Just like how the military probably don't want iron horse neither do the do they make a horse machine iron horse and horse machine famously based off iron man and man machine i guess it could just be a horse who was also called war machine i suppose that's possible. Exactly. We wanted to call it War Horse, but that was taken. Yeah, that was the name of it. Spielberg was waiting outside.

I will sue the US military if you name that horse in armour War Machine. I mean War Horse. What do you want, Spielberg? The US military is absolutely at the whims of Steven Spielberg. It's true. He runs Hollywood.

And who runs the government? Hollywood. Steven Spielberg runs the government. They don't just green light E.T. unless you've got your fingers in the right pies. Fair enough.

The idea of E.T. being such, like, if any other director brought this script to Hollywood. I would have been laughed out of the room. Are you kidding me? An alien and a boy? An alien eats Reese's Pieces? Get out of my life. You, you shut the fuck up.

I've put on a blacklist. Do not work with this idiot. E.T. is good so I think a horse especially like an emotional support horse yeah or Tony Stark

he could do with that that's true that'd be pretty good for him especially when he goes off the rails and starts you know hitting the booze pretty hard yep a horse is calming

but also frightening keeps you on the air yeah keeps you on your toes imagine a party scene where like you know like Tony Stark is like throwing throwing bottles up and blasting them.

What if he's now instead playing a simple game of catch with the horse, and the horse is blasting it. I assume the reactor is out of its mouth. Yeah. Where is it shooting? Where's the laser from? I can't stop imagining every villain. So every Iron Man villain is someone trying to replicate the Iron Man armour.

Does that mean in Iron Man 2? Iron Man 1, Iron trying to replicate the Iron Man armour does that mean in Iron Man 2 Iron Man 1 Iron Munger is he like it's a Clydesdale it's a bigger horse yeah it's a big Clydes

yeah and then Tony Stark and an upside down what's his name again Obadiah Stone Obadiah Stain Stain

yeah he's like oh wait is it stone I think it's stone no it's stain oh the people won't decide it's Obadiah Stain

yeah alright he's stained so yeah they'll be like a nice horse I think it's Stain. No, it's Stain. Well, the people won't decide. It's Stain. Yeah. Stained. So, yeah, there'll be like a nice horse. What's this happen to Stain? What's this song called? I don't know. While you think of that,

I want everyone to imagine the Clydesdale and our Iron Horse fighting. It's been a while, Stain. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to tell you, Dusha, I am not on the same page as you right now. I'm also kind of confusing them with Hootie and the Blowfish right now. Oh, man, that's another band's name that I know but don't know any of their songs. What about the Whiplash Horse?

That's just a horse who's thrown their rider off and stolen the crop to electrify it. I kind of imagine the whip coming out of the horse's forehead. Like a unicorn. Yeah, but a flaccid one. Flaccid unicorn. Ah, the mystical floppy unicorn. Are we calling him Whiplash? No.

No, no, no. Horselash. Ah, yeah, it was a horse. Does that mean after Endgame it's like instead of when the horse Sacrifices itself by doing the click Is it like proof Tony Stark's horse has a heart

Proof that Tony Stark had a horse They put the gems Like encrusted on it's muzzle And it just stamps it's cool One stamp for yes two stamps for no Do you want to bring everyone back No That was, no!

The horse turned evil on us. That horse. It's funny as well. The horse turned evil on us or doesn't understand the system. Wait, did we teach it English? The horse just manifesting hay and eating the hay.

Damn it! Why didn't we give it to any of the human beings on the Avengers? It's good when the horse stamps a bunch, hay appears and eats the hay, and then just basically explodes. It's like every time it stamps its hooves, just like, where are they on there?

And Titans becomes nice and greener. And like, you know, a sexy lady horse just pops into existence. It's making itself a field to stay in. It's building itself a field to stay in. It's building itself a fence. Why? It just like manifests a farmer. What?

Why does the horse want this? I just checked. It's been a while. It's stained. That's good to know. Hooray! Hoorah! Be still my beating heart! This is the tip of all our tongues. Okay, well yes, Iron Horse. 2001.

A fantastic horse, but there must be other people that need horses out there. No. All right. So. I'm listening. We've covered the Avengers and how much better everything would be if-

There was a horse involved. If Iron Man was a horse. Yes. But Tony Stark was also, you know, he were there. Roughly seconds ago, yeah. Remember the start of this? I do.

And what I'm saying is, it's been a while. What I'm saying is that, yes, good. But what if instead, Dracula had a horse? Oh, a body horse. Is the horse Dracula? Because we seem to be confusing had a horse with was a horse.

And I'm happy to explore both. Jackson, if Dracula has a horse, a regular horse, you know what horses famously are full of? Meat. Close. Apples. No. You were close

To the first time Guts Close Blood Yeah Dracula loves that shit So he'll drink some of that Then

It's not Dracula has a horse Dracula now is A vampire horse Plus If he's like Loves his horse Because you know

It's his horse Of course he would He's gonna be like Well I Name one man That has a horse And doesn't love his horse Exactly of course he would. He's going to be like, well, name one man that has a horse and doesn't love it. Exactly.

The best thing for the inside of a man is the outside of a horse. Ronald Reagan. He fucking said that. It's great. Anyway. Bless you, Ronald Reagan.

So yeah, if he loves his horse, as I assume Dracula would, yeah, old mate Vlad, he'd be like, well, I know I'm immortal

and my horse is slowly getting older. I'm going to stop that. Keep this horse young forever. I've got my brides of Dracula. I also and my horse is slowly getting older. I'm going to stop that and keep this horse young. My brides of Dracula. I also have my horse of Dracula. Dracula's steed. Yeah. You know that scene in Dracula, the book where whatever his name is,

Van Helsing is in bed and the three brides of Dracula appear to him. But it's a horse at the end of his bed. That is way scarier. Reverse Godfather. No, Reverse Godfather is if you leave a human head in a horse's bed and a horse does not react because it doesn't know what that means. The horse just gets its leathery lips. Ew, it's sucking the saliva off it for moisture.

That sounds like I discovered it and I'm not being helpful. There's a head in here. The horse is licking it. It's licking it. Jackson, have you called the cops? No. How long have you been out here? Like 20 minutes.

It's yuck. The horse is getting its tongue on his tongue. Whose head is that? Whose horse is this? Where am I? It's like 3am. You know that, right? Whose horse is this? Where am I? Just let me in here. It's like 3am. You know that, right?

What? Saw it out here longer than I thought. Does Dracula horse also have to stay in a coffin? Can a horse get into a coffin? How big is that coffin? What do you do with a dead horse? You know when a horse goes on its hands and knees? What do you do with a dead horse?

You chop it up for glue. Come on. Yeah, but what's going to be respectful? Glue and dog food. No, you've got to be respectful of a horse. No, because if you've got a pet horse and it dies. Bury it in a very big hole. Surely that just seems.

No, you know a horse can lie down. You know, it goes on its belly. Yeah. That, and you just have the coffin be very big. Thick, thick coffin. It's a thick coffin. And then you've got to get a bulldozer. How are you going to answer? Oh, you're going to have to explain, like, all right, horses.

Okay, things you need to know. One, sunlight, bad. Two, crosses. Oh, horses are not going to understand that. This horse is sad and cold all the time. It goes outside and skin falls off. Someone does, like, the sign of the cross and the horse is like, I don't know why, but horse is like... That's worse.

You taught it religion a bit. You've got a Dracula do the sign of the cross and it's like... and then that's fine. That's less scary. But if you've got a horse that hates you because you're doing a hand gesture, that makes me more scared.

Yeah, well horses will just panic. Dracula's just gonna be like, I more scared. Yeah. Well, horses will just panic. Dracula's just going to be like, I don't like that. Well, he'll be a bit more afraid. But Dracula... Oh, quit it. Dude, that's not cool. I like to imagine that it has the same effect

as giving someone the middle finger when you're in primary school. Come on. I'm dobbing. Dracula, please don't. Come on. No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to. I meant to give you the finger, just a pointer. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay, that makes sense. You're right. Don't dob, don't dob. Don't be a dibba-dobba. I'll do...

Go to hell. I'll do a favour for you. Our secret. Do you remember the, I'll be your best friend, as like a bargaining chip? No, no, no, don't tell, don't tell, don't dob, don't dob. I'll be your you remember the I'll be your best friend as like a bargaining chip? No, no, no. Don't tell, don't tell, don't tell.

I'll be your best friend. I'll be your best friend. That's not a foundation for a friendship. Although. Why are you and Dusha such good friends, Jackson? Oh, I was going to

dob on him, but I didn't. And here we are. And I'm behind you but I'm like, don't tell. You dobbed. I don't have to be your friend anymore.

Fuck. 15 years down the drain. Being, I can't stop imagining this horse-ula or dracu-horse. Dracu-horse. Dracu-horse getting no pointy teeth.

Yeah, because it's dracu-man dracu-horse. Man-ula. Okay, horse-ula. I like horse-ula. See,

it got gumming you. Well, no, just because a horse's teeth are disturbingly flat. Well, yeah, but also so are ours. What do a horse's teeth look like? Can See, it got gumming you. Well, no, just because horse's teeth are disturbingly flat. Well, yeah, but also, so are ours. What do horse's teeth look like? Can you look it up?

Can we see a horse's teeth? Yeah. Thank you. We encourage everyone at home to do the same thing. You got the horse eating the chicken on loop? Go to horsesteeth.com. Oh, no. Fuck that.

Now, imagine those horse teeth but fine. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, plumbing is sweet as a summer breeze and all, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Maybe you wish we'd stop talking about superheroes and Star Wars and dog dicks and instead sort out which kind of frog is the superior frog or what would be the best kind of metal to be crushed under. If this sounds like you, then why not head to sandspantsradio.com

and search for Shut Up A Second, a nonsense podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. That's abominable! Okay, so to anyone who doesn't have access to the internet currently, first of all, sorry to hear that, second of all, imagine an old lady's teeth falling out because they're fake teeth. Jesus, it's like a shovel. But that's what horses look like.

It's like a fucking shovel. Oh, I hate it so much. Brie, show us again. I feel like as well. Yes. That's so awful. A horse's gum is huge. It's mostly gum and then a little bit of tooth.

And I imagine if that stabbed me in, say, the wrist, it would go through my hand. Why is a horse's eyes closed? It's looking happy. That horse looks like it's going, It's gross. The horse is going to have to really go for the neck or probably go for a chest bite. That's going to suck.

You know what's good about horses? But it's hard. It's real easy and big to get. That's true. To stake a horse. And you can just feed a horse garlic. You don't know. You're like, hey, there's the horse.

It's like sweet. And then it dies. And you're like feed a horse garlic. You don't know. You're like, hey, there's the horse. It's like sweet. And then it dies. And you're like, job well done. Cop that horse you lot now to find man cooler. Also, I think we've been trained since our youth to feel the horse's bite. So we're kind of prepared. I don't like being at the front or back of a horse. What?

Charlie horse? Is that what schedule of a horse is called? Is that what they're called? This is something that I brought up on a shut up a second. Okay. And I think it's pertinent at this moment. Cross show referencing. The first interaction we have with a horse is they're like,

give it a carrot. But they're like, keep your hand flat because the horse will bite your fingers off. No other animal gets that treatment. You meet a dog for the first time. No one's like, don't look like a piece of meat. Dogs are unpredictable. They're like, horses are fucking crazy. It'll eat your hand. So we're prepared

for a horse's bite. Is there a horse? No, we're not. That's not preparing for a bite. It's like, hey, do it like this because if you go like this, that's wrong. Yeah, but that means the horse will get you. This gentle creature will eat your hand.

Okay, your first interaction with a dog when you're little is probably also don't put your hand in its mouth. Yeah, that's different. Don't punch the dog in the back of the head. Don't put your hand in the dog's mouth is more reasonable than don't make your fingers look like carrots. Jackson. Because horses are crazy.

Jackson, when you're putting a carrot in a horse's mouth, what are you doing with your hand? You leave your hand flat because you're terrified. You're basically putting your hand in its mouth as your first interaction. You're leaving your palm open. You're looking away because you don't want to see it happen. Shaking in your boots, heart going a million miles a minute.

You've got the horse's foul, leathery caterpillar lips blubbing up your arm. Are you expecting people to hear this and find it relatable? Do you hate horses? I hate horses' mouths. Certainly. I think everybody listening agrees with me in this moment.

Yeah. That our first interaction with a horse is fearing a horse. We're taught to fear horses. We're taught that our fingers look like carrots. We're taught that horses... We are taught to fear horses, no, because also like a horse kick

to the back of the head. Yeah, yeah. Not only are they like, a horse will eat your hand, they're like, if you go behind a horse, it'll just kick you. It'll just kick you. Horses are unpredictable and terrifying. Horses are like, they're a beast we've trained, we've got to be careful. Don't stand behind a moving car.

Yeah, that's different. Nobody says don't stand behind a dog or a cat or a cow even. You probably shouldn't stand behind a cow. First time I fed a cow, they were like, here's some corn, go nuts. Here's some corn, go nuts. Punch that cow in the back of the neck. Ride it, who cares?

Can you imagine, here's some corn, go nuts, and I, as a five-year-old, just walk into a herd of cows, never to be seen again. Corn extended like the Olympic torch. As the cows fold around me like the sea. What happened to Jackson? Cows got him. No one warned him.

He wasn't adequately warned. Now he exists within the chaos. Maybe they might have ate him. Maybe they ate him. The hood's never separated enough for us to find out. I like to think he's still there. Mogli was raised by wolves. He's currently being raised by cows.

Rumour has it, legend has it, that if you crouch down and look in the cow's legs, you'll see his legs too. For he is amongst them. The forever herd. One day you see a big, like 40 big cow corn in hand climb out.

I've been in there for years. Cow realm. I became the king. What if you gave a cow a horse? I think they'd become fast friends. Yeah. They would. I think they'd enjoy it.

Are cows and horses typically friends? I think so. They know each other. They're neighbours. Yeah. I think I've seen a... I need to find out. I know definitely like horses and goats.

Yeah, I've seen a horse and a cow hang out. Cows and horses are friends. I don't think naturally they're friends. I've only seen the wild. I mean, they might get... Have I seen the wire? In the wild. Oh, in the wild, yes.

Ah, they are friends, grazing peacefully together. There you go. So I think, you know, they'd be all right with it. But no, with horse-ula, does he also get some of the powers of Dracula like, sorry, human-ula? Sorry, I just need to drop one last thing on cows and horses. When I typed in are cows and horses friends,

the first suggestion were are cows and horses related? And that's funny. They've both got four legs and a head. They both eat hay, I think. I see hooves on all of them. Related brothers and sisters. All boys are horses and girls are cows.

Married. Yeah, cows are horses and cows are married. But does the horse you love have the same kind of foibles and powers as manula? With that, like, so can turn into fog, can turn into bats, can't cross, like, running water. It really rubs me the wrong way to imagine an animal turning into another animal.

This game's really wrong. A horse becoming a wolf. Wow, get me out of it. Just a swarm of rats. What's the horse thinking? I am many now. Oh no, we are tiny. Well, the horse is roughly thinking it's still a horse regardless.

I am many little horses. I must get, I must, I don't know why. The world got real big and I got many. That horse is never reconstituting because it doesn't have enough wherewithal to bring the rats back together. Several rats go that way, others go the other way. That horse is rats forever.

Some say you can hear the little rats neigh to this day. Slam it with a meat tenderiser. A horse's fog coming across a running wither. Yeah, that's true. Horses can't come inside as well unless you invite them in. Mr. Horse, come in. Which, you know, kind of we have that rule now. That's the current situation with horses.

If one of my friends rocks up with a horse, I'm not letting the horse in unless he... But if a horse wants it in your house, it'll get in your house. Yeah, good point. If you open the door and there was a horse there and you're staring square at its chest and then it takes a step forward, nobody is brave enough to put their

hands on their chest and try and push the horse back. You're going to step aside and be like Mikasa Tsukasa, my equine friend, and then it's going to bite my chest and suck my blood. Make it a bowl of cereal and just stand in the kitchen nervously as the horse is like So that photo of the horse

teeth that we still have open, do horses have bottom teeth? Yeah, yes. Well, I thought they did. Oh god, yeah they do. Oh, what's that picture? Ah! That's the last thing I'll ever see. That's a guarantee. For those playing along at home

it's a picture of a horse's mouth coming towards your head. It's heinous. They've got zombie mouths. I'm learning so much about horses today. So much I didn't want to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. So, that means when Dracula bites on you,

worst case scenario, he's taking out a little bit of flesh and sucking your blood. A horse can do a lot of damage with that mouth. Oh yeah, you know like the classic, like somebody has a scarf around their neck and it falls away and there's two little like fang points. There's just a big meaty bite.

The horse one got me. The horse one got me just no shoulder. Also, for Dracula, so if say Van Helsing does go to stake, Dracula is going to hit the horse's, like, leg because Dracula is going to be on a horse. Yeah. I'll get you, Dracula.

Ha, ha, ha. I'm up higher than you expected. I'm on the horse, you fool. Oh, no. But the horse is dead. If it's still a regular horse, then yes. Like, staking a Dracula or a man with enough force. I mean, it's like, look, are horses bones stronger than a man's?

I want to say yes. Okay, cool, cool. Jackson. I want to clarify. If I gave you one chance to stake a man in the heart, do you reckon you could nail it or would you miss? How big's the stake? Is this like a shotgun of a stake?

No, it's the same. Is your heart there? I reckon that probably would have got it Yeah Wait, is a horse's heart also on the left? Well, I was wondering that Or is a horse's heart under its chest? Yeah

Hey, what's Where's a horse's heart? Do horses have This is a very stupid question Yes, they have hearts No, do they have two chests? What? Oh, man, looking at diagram

I would not have guessed that's where its heart was. So you've got from neck to legs, chest, but also from legs to other legs. That's its belly. But its heart's there. But its heart's in the middle. So is a horse's heart in its stomach? They don't call a chest a chest because that's where the heart is. Do they?

I don't know. Don't they call it because of where its rib is? Yeah. So then it's like front neck, but that's where the heart is. Do they? I don't know. Don't they call it because of where its rib is? Yeah. So then it's like front neck, but that's not its chest. That's its neck. Is that all neck? Yeah. What is a horse?

Oh, no, fellas. What is a horse? Looking at a diagram. I don't need to know what's in a horse as much as I'm learning right now. You need to know everything that's in a horse. The worst thing for the outside of a Jackson is the inside of a horse. Wow. Horses' hearts are huge.

That's as big as my head. Yeah, that's a saying. What a spleen. Christ. Jackson. Yeah? Horses are big. Yeah, I'm realizing. Yeah, Ies are big Yeah I'm

Their bits are big too I'm realising Yeah I don't know if I would have the way with a rectum Okay Looks like a little deflated balloon Like how it's green on this diagram Yeah I just don't understand

Because I don't know I don't know if I know where that horse's heart is If a horse is in front of me in 3D You know I've become intensely distracted by the size of the horse's tongue, guys. Yeah, it goes right down towards God's tongue. That's as big as my forearm. That's horrific.

Imagine the horse's mouth open over your head and then its tongue... Giving me a smooch. Licking you up. No. Yeah, I don't like this Dracula horse. Yeah, that's no good. All right, well, might I propose to you, gentlemen,

the fictional character who I think, well, who definitely doesn't have a horse, but does need a horse, is none other than Lightning McQueen. The car. The car extraordinaire. Because it would be the only organic being in all of cars, and it would be a medical marvel. It would be like finding an alive car in our world. You know?

So you think that Lightning McQueen would benefit from that? Why? Because he could be, like, he could open a freak show and he could only have one exhibit, the horse. You've gone to this a lot. Last time we spoke about Pinocchio. Yeah. Okay, so just a quick question of, like,

how fast is Lightning McQueen in terms of horsepower? Great question. 750. Well, I didn't get Lightning McQueen a terms of horsepower? Great question. 750. Well, I didn't get Lightning McQueen a horse so that he could ride it. I know, it's just that he has to go... Lightning McQueen has no legs. Yes, I understand that, but he has to go so slow. All he's going to do is tie a rope around his tailbone pipe.

You don't need legs to ride a horse, you need an arse. Lightning McQueen also doesn't have an arse. Google Lightning McQueen arse. Okay. If Lightning McQueen has an arse, you're right okay is lightning mcqueen's ass ka-chow he would find more fulfillment by touring his horse around and being like observe a thing that bleeds than he would racing ever in his life. Surely, because at this point, the horse is riding Lightning McQueen. You'd want the horse to get in there,

but he's got a top. Lightning McQueen does. Surely later would be ideal. He's got a tray. Lightning McQueen doesn't get the horse in him. Lightning McQueen buddies up with a guy who is a horse carriage. But the best thing for the outside of a Lightning McQueen

is the inside of a horse. There are trucks that are hollow in cars. Just put the horse in one of them. Oh, wait. What will the horse eat? Is that grass? No, we're good. We're fine.

My issue is that Lightning McQueen, 750 horsepower. A horse, one horsepower. Yes. I think a horse is actually four horsepower. How many horsepower is a horse? Yeah, I think it's actually four horsepower. Yes. I think a horse is actually four horsepower. How many horsepower is a horse? Yeah, I think it's actually four horsepower from memory. But yes, your point stands. Lightning McQueen

ties a rope around his tailpipe, ties a rope around the horse's neck, drive. What? Oh my god. A horse is capable of a maximum of 14.9 horsepower. That doesn't make any sense. Horses are powerful. More powerful than horses. Maybe a horse needs a horse.

Double the horsepower. That's nearly 30 horses. Wow. But don't you think that it would be a medical marvel within the Cars universe? It's sad because the horse will die and that will be the only horse that ever lived. And died. And died in Cars. But then I guess they can keep the bones and they'll be the only

bones they've ever found. Do you think right now if I found Lightning McQueen or if a horse found Lightning McQueen and then that... I'm happy to substitute you for the horse. Okay. So okay, Jackson you found Lightning McQueen. Guys check it out, it's an alive car. First of all, okay, Jackson, you found Lightning McQueen. Guys, check it out.

It's an alive car. First of all, do you pay enough attention on the streets that you could walk past a car that had eyes and not notice? I think absolutely. I think that the thing is that Lightning McQueen would be so panicked by all of the dead cars around him that I would hear his quiet weeping. And I would be like, what's got you upset, little alive car? Then after trying to get inside him for a bit, I'd tie a big rope around him and be like, I've got to show you off.

Yes. Okay. But he is 750 horsepower. How many horsepower is a man? How many horsepower is Jackson? Negative one horse It's going to be more than one horsepower No, it takes ten strong men to do the work of one horse

Man, horse math is confusing Ten strong men Ten strong men equal one horse, which equals fourteen horses A healthy human can produce about 1.2 HP. Or a human briefly and sustain about 0.1 HP indefinitely. So a human is better than a horse,

but a horse is as good as 14 horses. Yes. That's what we're learning here today. Trained athletes can manage up to 2.5 horsepower. Okay. Briefly. Briefly and maintain 0.3 horsepower. Okay. Briefly. Briefly, and maintain 0.3 horsepower. Man, horse math is crazy. It's truly fascinating.

15 horses. Yeah. Yes. So, that's like 300. One man is equal to one horsepower. One horse is equal to 15 horsepower, and a Lightning McQueen is 750 horsepower.

Which means that, this is the part I was trying to figure out when I was making the face, about 300 athletes equal one Lightning McQueen. Yes, if you're doing your horse math right, that is the conclusion. I don't know what this teaches us. No, it takes us back to where you were,

which is Jackson Bailey found a car, ties a rope around it. I knew 300 athletes. No, but I can back to where you were, which is Jackson Bailey found a car, ties a rope around it. I have 300 athletes. No, but I can talk to Lightning McQueen. He gets dragged behind a car. Human car found with human hands attached to rope. Man found dead. Man found dead.

Full stop. Police looking for hit and run driver. Cow Realm Boy returns, only to die at hands of car. police looking for hit and run driver cow realm boy returns only to die at hands of car hands of car fuck imagine I'm like guys check it out I found an alive car and then Lightning McQueen

you know because he can kind of move getting up on his back wheels and just slamming me with his tires frightening me and killing me. The last words where you should have stated the cow realm. I miss cow realm. Yeah, I think

Lightning McQueen wouldn't do well with a horse. You don't think that Lightning McQueen... It just seems if he wants a pet, there's better pets for Lightning McQueen. He can't really travel with it. And as a freak show, Lightning McQueen has never once shown any affinity

to wanting to own or run some kind of freak show. There's no scene in Cars where he's like, man, I wish I ran a freak show instead of this. I don't know why this is his voice. Wow. That's close.

I wish I was in some kind of race car. Oh, boy. What was your name in Queen's Couch Race? Wookashaw or something? Wookashaw. Wookashaw. No, it's Kachow, you fool. Kachow.

Kachow, out my horse. Well, he just named his horse Kachow. Yeah. Or Wookashaw or whatever. Is there anyone in the Cars universe that would know? Are there any natural showmen in the Cars universe? I just would like to put something organic and real in a world

full of alive cars. I think that's what really appeals to me about this situation. Organic and real. Jackson, when you did a horse check earlier on and you were like, can a horse live? Is there grass? You said yes. That is organic. It's like a being and they're all cars. Every animal in the cars world is a car.

They have horses. So would Lightning McQueen's horse just be a car? No, it would be a real horse. Kind of like how when they go with the tractors and the cows or whatever, they're also mechanical and kind of car-like. Kind of like how Dracula's horse was a Dracula and how Iron Man's horse was an iron horse. Well, now Lightning McQueen just owns

a horse and it's not abnormal or weird it's just Lightning McQueen retired to be a rancher. It's just a problem he has now. I mean I guess he's got like um where do you end up when do you like crash and all that kind of jazz? What do you break down? What was that area? Because like that area was like somewhat barren you could easily have a

ranch there. Oh you mean Radiator Springs? Yeah yeah yeah. Well they already have a ranch there. Oh, you mean Radiator Springs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they already have a ranch there. I'm just describing cars, but Lightning McQueen owns one of the horses. Yeah, so instead of him being like, oh, yes, I've got to get my pet back and be a race car again, I've broken down here for a reason. Yeah, maybe I'll just look after this horse. Maybe I'll look after the horse.

Look, everything happens for a reason, and that reason right now is for me to own a horse. It's kind of cool if we apply the same logic we've been applying to all the other ones, and then instead of racing himself, Lightning McQueen just puts a horse on the racetrack, because that's like a 100-meter sprint, but one of them's a horse. That's pretty appealing. That's good.

Yeah. But then, like, how much faster is a car horse versus a car car? Can you look up a car horse? How many horsepower is a car, and how many horsepower is a car horse versus a car car? Can you look up a car horse? How many horsepower is a car and how many horsepower is a car horse? That's what we've got to figure out today. How many horsepower is a car horse? Okay. Well, we found how many horsepower is a car.

That's not what we're looking for. No, here's what you're going to have to do, Sam. You're going to have to go cars, Pixar, horse To see if there's a car, horse Then we find out what kind of car the horse is Then we find out what horsepower the car is No, wait, no, no, no I think the answer is actually what you just searched

How many horses in your propulsion? I like 40 Well, okay, so 746 watts is normal horsepower But mechanical horsepower is 735.5 watts. So he's faster than Lightning McQueen, this horse. Just like a horse is faster than a man. And it would win the race cup or whatever he's doing. If a man is equal to 0.

We can do this. What is a man if not a horse? No, no, no, because you've got to think the standard, right? We cannot have this horse math together. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, so the standard horse, like the standard power of a man. Uh-huh. Where was it?

No, come back. All right, so it's 1.2, right? But an athlete is 2.5. Okay. So that is the standard. You've got to think of right now in our world, the peak human is 2.5, right? Okay. So in the car's universe, what is Lightning McQueen?

But he's a peak car. He's an athlete, so therefore he's standard. So even though he's 750 horsepower, he is 2.5 horsepower. In car horsepower. No, no, no. He would still be 700 horsepower.

That's the difference. He'd still be 750. If you look up Mater's horsepower It's probably like 7 That's my point That is the 2.5 horsepower Of the car's universe Yes

But a horse is faster than an athlete So then in the car's universe A car horse is faster than a car car So much faster than Lightning McQueen Therefore Very fast And therefore because of air bod rules A car horse is faster than a car car. Faster than Lightning McQueen. Therefore, very fast. And therefore, because of air bod rules, if he put the horse in to the cup, the horse would win.

Lightning McQueen wouldn't. The horse would receive the medal. Yes. Bada bing, bada boom. That means the horse crashes. The horse has to get put down. But like in our universe, when there is the Melbourne Cup or something like that, where the horse wins, who gets the prize money?

Not the horse. The jockey. No, the owner. No, the trainer, yeah. Well, what's the jockey get? $100? Yeah, $20. Thank you for being cruel. Thanks for doing it.

There you go. So Lightning McQueen, as the owner of the horse, makes all of his money off the cup, and then he retires. Yes. So Lightning McQueen needed a horse. I've come out on top inexplicably. I'll take it. What a win.

This is so rare. We talked you into a win by mocking you. That's annoying. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Get yourself a horse. Imagine your life now, but with a horse.

Imagine your life, but horse. Oh, feels good to win. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead.

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and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.