Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Character Would Make a Better Santa Claus? (Feat. Adam)

Episode Date: December 18, 2016

In which our heroes are recovering from a big Christmas party where they drank too much eggnog and brandy, realised they forgot to do a write up and so are just gonna cobble something together at the last minute as we ask which fictional character would make the best Santa? We probably suggest superman at some point, seems a fair bet, almost definitely traumatise a child, and ruin Christmas one way or the other. Zammit probably chooses an X-Man, we bet Adam gets frustrated and/or smug, and Jackson almost definitely suggests something horrifying. So gather all your Christmas cheer, eat a candy cane, and decorate the tree. Merry Christmas. Nuh nuh nuh Nana I'm loving it.Want to help Adam ruin and save Christmas? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can contribute to childhood obesity.Everything is 20% off at https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.com including all 25 episodes of Hus Firma Pride! If you’re after a USB tape head to https://audiobooksontape.com or it’s a tee-shirt you’re after check out our store at https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio. In Sydney in Feb? Why not come see us live! Book your tickets here; http://edgetix.com/. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Happy Holidays. Want a place to yell about us with other like-minded individuals? Maybe you're mad that we forgot the 8 Weasley triplet, or didn't realise the dragon voiced by Mario was chaotic neutral at best, or just want to vent that while Bond is perfectly capable at stopping most villains, not everyone wants to fuck the moon. Then why not head over to reddit.com slash r slash sanspantsradio and join in on the discussion.

Hey, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which fictional character would make a better Santa Claus? It may seem like a weird choice. I'm already pumped. But, like, look, you're going to look at him. Yep. And you're like, yes, he's got blue skin. Yes, he's covered in fur. Yes, he's covered in fur. Yes,

he looks like a demon. However, he can teleport. And sure, he's got a prehensile tail, but he is Catholic. That's right, he is. That's true. Kurt Wagner, the Nightcrawler, himself,

again, he can teleport. He can blend into shadows. That's pretty good. Smells like brimstone. Not as good, but again, when you're having to tell your kids about Santa Claus,

that's another thing you can use to complete the magic of Santa. Would a smart children not ask would a smart child not ask you why Santa and Satan sound and appear

very similar? What's up with that? It's because gifts are cursed and only for naughty boys. That's why we throw all of the presents out every Christmas. Your Christmases were about as bad as mine. But I think he'd be a pretty good Santa.

I agree, but I think first we need to check down some ground rules. Yeah, all right, all right, all right. Does this fictional character get all the magic of Santa? No. I want to say no. Yeah, they have to use their own power. I want to say, so situation is Santa's died. Okay.

I reckon it's got to be, yeah, situation, Santa's died, but this is kind of like kind of like retroactively making that sort of maybe santa died say 50 years ago okay and this character that we're choosing took on the form of santa or the responsibilities of santa so all the myths and legends now have to incorporate this oh i would like to say as well, I feel like with the delivery of the presents, I feel it's unreasonable to assume we can find someone who can deliver every present in one night.

I was about to say that should be double points. Yeah, all right, I'll take it. Double points if you can. I got the guaranteed win, ladies and gentlemen. Let's talk about Nightcrawler trying to deliver. Do you think Nightcrawler has the capability? I know he can bamf, bamf, bamf, but in one night, could he visit every single house in the world?

Actually, yes. Not every single house in the world believes in Santa Claus. That's true. That's true. And Nightcrawler, if we can get his little helpers, which are other little, well, they're called bamfs, they're little tiny Nightcrawlers that if we can get his little helpers, which are other little, well, they're called Bamps, they're little tiny Nightcrawlers that look like demon spawn. Oh, boy.

They can help. So basically it's kind of combining like Krampus with Santa Claus and making it good. So basically we're flipping the switch. We're flipping the switch. Yeah. And all we've got now is something that looks like a demon, but is actually very good. And then it's also a good lesson for the kids learning about Santa.

Okay. Because then it's don't judge a book by its cover. Oh, yeah, you're right. Look, you might think he's an evil devil, but he brings you your Tonka Trucks and iPhones. He brings you Tonka Trucks, iPhones, and he's very Catholic. So he can't... Because I just remember this from the movies. I can't remember if this is also in the comic books, but can he teleport somewhere he can't... Because I just remember this from the movies. I can't remember if this is also in the comic books,

but can he teleport somewhere he can't see? Because I feel like you're in trouble. Unless over the course of the year, Nightcrawler pretends to be like an electrician or whatever, visits every house, gets a good idea of what's going on inside. Look behind me. What is this called? A window.

What do you have shut and blocked at night? Yeah, but he can look through a window and in three goes. So whilst the elves are making toys. That's a lot of time looking through windows. Oh, yeah. I think he's either had to have been there once before or I might just be thinking of that great film Jumper. Oh, imagine. Imagine this.

He's like, alright, I've done the first year. It was a fucking bitch, but god damn it, I looked through every window or whatever. I pulled some sneakies. He does it again the next year, but the next year he's like, I know where all the rooms are, but someone renovates. He's inside a Christmas tree.

Alright, can I have a bit of a Christmas tree. Oh, no. All right. Can I have a bit of a caveat? I might be cheating. I might be pulling a bit of a sneaky myself. But Kurt Wagner's good friend, Shadow Cat, Kitty Pryde, because she can phase through walls and really help him out here. Yes, she's Jewish and maybe doesn't believe in Christmas, but that's another aspect we can talk about.

I feel a better combination there is Quicksilver and Shadow. No. I refuse. No, because I'm liking those two. Because Kurt Wagner and Quicksilver, they're not good buddies. No, Quicksilver and Kitty Pryde. They're not good friends. Christmas spirit brings them together.

Quicksilver's a jerk. No one likes him. Regardless, even if he's got Kitty Pryde on his side, then he still has to teleport, what, at the front of their house? He still has to know what the front of their house looks like. How about this? Could I just choose the X-Men? I think that's fair because one of mine's a group.

And to ensure that mine isn't torn apart. That's hard bullshit on both of you. You motherfuckers. I'll hard bullshit on both of you. You motherfucker! I'll allow it. You fuck. I'm going to choose the X-Men. And even still, I'm having vodka. Not crawling around as the face.

He's the face. If I'm Magneto, I attack at Christmas. Whilst the X-Men are busy delivering gifts. To all the good boys and girls That's more of a juggernaut move Attacking at Christmas So yeah I reckon If I can get some of the help

But I reckon the majority of this is going to be Through Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler And his legion of bamfs I think I can say that You get two groups in one go The legion of bamfs is different That's like magic or something. And again, the BAMFs, they're not easily controlled.

They like to steal booze. And that's another good tradition. Don't leave out cookies and milk. Nah, whiskey, hard liquor. Goodness. What the fuck? Well, I think that's pretty good. I think you've tied up the X-Men for a day.

I think I have too. And I think,'ve tied up the X-Men for a day. I think I have too. And I think, again, if we look at this from like it happened 50 years ago, the traditions of Christmas are going to be interesting. They're going to be strange. They're going to be like you're going to get one of maybe 40 people coming to your house. Santa Claus is going to be in this kind of weird black and red thing with shoulder pads. He's going to be in, like, devil face. There's a lot of Santas in your myth.

No, no, he's the face. There's going to be, like, an incense thing where it's going to be mostly brimstone and salt. Everyone's going to hate that. I like that you could get Professor X to tell which kid's an audio nice. Oh, that's true. He could just sit in Cerebro or whatever. That one.

That one. Good, bad. Nope, that's a shit. Lovely little kid. Angel, angel asshole. He's going to find out if you're an angel or an asshole. And again, he'd be perfect

because you don't need Xavier in the field. No. Because most houses aren't wheelchair accessible. So he'd be alright being like, yes, Nightcrawler, teleport into this one. Yes, give that one a pony. He likes Coal. He likes kale. He's being good. But he really wants kale.

That would be nice. And how good would Iceman be? Especially for Australia. That's true. You'd just be like, we get shitty hot Australian Christmas. I want a winter magic place. And then, like, him and Storm teams up. And you're like, ah, it's snow!

Ruins our climate. Alright, well. And carving up a turkey. Oh, what's that? Novelty Wolverine claws? I feel like immediately you've started breaking all the rules. Let's give Xamarin an out of ten. Let's give Xamarin an out of ten. Where are we putting it? So,

what are we rating him under? Out of ten! Just out of your basic 10. I'm going to say he's about a 7 or 8. He's done it pretty well. I think 7 is fair. All right. I think it's good. Okay, so.

I'll accept that. Here's my first one. All right. All right. Your man, Doc Brown. Time travel. He's one guy, one DeLorean. He can deliver not even in the one night, in the one minute.

How much fuel is that going to take? He needs fuel to run. A lot of plutonium. I was going to say, no. No. Doc Brown dies of multiple tumors. Not plutonium. Yeah.

Trash. Garbage trash. We've got a lot of garbage trash. Every house has trash. Leave trash out for the Christmas car. It's going to be all right. So imagine it's roughly midnight. You're coming home or going to a Christmas party.

And on your street you see 17 dog pounds. You freak out. Don't worry boys. It's fine. There's nothing wrong with what's up. He knocks you out and drums you on your fucking... Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas as he ether I'm wearing. He knocks you out and prompts you on your fucking... Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas as he ether rags you. He has no trouble ether ragging. There's no mysticism with Doc Brown, is my problem. Oh, yeah, you get rid of whimsy. At least with mutants, there's still whimsy. There's no whimsy. There's like, if it's Doc Brown at the start of the year, he's like, Santa died.

But I'll take up the mantle. Doc Brown probably just tells you who... You know where he lives The North Pole is useless What do you need to do Santa Brass The North Pole is not even a continent Here's my address

Send you letters there But what you can do is Instead of leaving out the milk and cookies You can leave out some drinks That's what I was thinking You're compost It's time consuming but with the time travel is instead of leaving out the milk and cookies you can leave out some drinks yeah that's what I was thinking and your compost again it's time consuming but with the time travel you have infinite time yeah we're going to make that a little easier

he could easily surveillance everyone to see if they've been good or bad Doc Brown ages quickly he does here's the only problem is that with that method we might have only five Christmases left he's already pretty old.

How old did... Nah, Doc Brown would franchise it. Yeah, he's a clever guy. No. I feel he would. No, he's not a clever guy. He's a smart guy. There's a difference.

Yeah, no, that's a good point. Yeah, he's smart, but he's like very negligent. He would mismanage a business, but he'd get the concept, right? Yeah. Yeah, he would really miss... He'd probably try and franchise it, get a bunch of Martys. Oh, it wouldn't go well. Marty's going to be his helper.

It wouldn't go well. And, like, a lot of Martys. We're talking, like... Oh, boy, Doc Brown! Yeah, Marty's being displaced from so many timelines. You said I should see other versions of me, but I'm just seeing the heat. Shut up, Marty. It's fine, Marty.

It's fine. You've got to save Christmas. If any of them bump... You don't want to save Christmas, don't you, Marty? Come on, shut up it's fine marty it's fine you gotta save christmas if any of them bump i want to save christmas don't you marty come on marty it's all right thing in the the back to the future universe if you touch yourself it's like bad it's just not good to see yourself you've fallen or was that just a lie dog brown said okay could have been a no because jennifer sees herself and she faints and has a freak out but again could that it's been a lie dog that doesn't have been the base we have no proof one way or the other, I feel. Yeah, I think it's fine.

Oh, wait. Oh, so you're walking down now, and it's a bunch of Mardis with blinders on. Equally terrifying. Another issue is that if they change anything, like, are we in trouble for messing with the basic space-time continuum? I think 100%. Are we going to end up with Biff futures?

See what's going to happen. Also, Biffs! Oh, jeez. That's a lot of, like, Christmas rapists. One Marty, one Doc Brown, leaves the car unattended for a moment. There's a lot of cars out there. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Like, Doc Brown, I wouldn't

put it past him. So say if, like, about 20 people want a particular toy. Yeah. He's gonna use that one toy and, like, make it time travel. Well, he's not a millionaire. Exactly. So they're gonna be like, oh, I love this toy. And they're gonna play it for the day. And then, like, a Doc Brown's gonna come snatch that toy and take it back.

More likely it'll just fade away in their hands. I love my new dolly. It's gone forever. Doesn't your memory of it fade as well? I guess less sad, but also more sad at the same time. Everyone just like, I don't remember how Christmas last year was, but I bet this year will be good. Your memories about Christmas would be fucked. You're like, I can't remember any Christmas last year was but I bet this year will be good your memories about Christmas would be fucked

you're like I can't remember any Christmas I reckon I'd give it five years you're saying we've got five good years of Doc Doc Santa or Santa Brown Santa Brown

I reckon you've got five good years of Christmas after that everyone would forget about it after that it just wouldn't become a thing Everyone would be like, didn't we do something on December 25th? I remember seeing heaps of the same guy On the bright side, that leads to a lot of mysticism Yeah, that's true You put the mysticism back

You start out 100% functionality, 0% mysticism And as you go on, you lose functionality and gain mysticism. Yeah, they do a little swippity swap. It's not good. 100% either way is not good. You don't want 100% of either one of them. No, I guess. I guess. I guess not. But still, it gets the job done

for five years. At roughly that five year point, that's the best Christmas you have. Yeah, because that's when you're like, I keep forgetting things. I'm aware that I'm forgetting things. point that's the best christmas yeah yeah because that one you're like i amazing christmas i keep forgetting things i'm aware that i think that is this mythical creature that i know exists yeah i've seen him i've seen the guy i've seen all of him there's a bunch of them there's a bunch of him and a young lad and it's just a guy just like a teenager i don't know why but it's good so what are we giving me out of 10 it's a good good one I think it's 5 5 out of 10 for me

Yeah, because it starts at a 1 But ends at a 10 But then just goes I'll cop a 5 Alright, so Of the X-Men, I only need one Only one X-Men? I only need one

I only need Professor X Professor X. Professor X jumps into the minds of all the boys and girls and makes them think they have a present. Until next year, they get a new present. The old one's gone, they get a new one. Do they forget their old one? They can keep the memory, sure. But they're like, oh, this one's gone.

This one now. So hang on. So say I'm a kid. Professor X, however, they're like, oh, this one's gone. This one now. So hang on. So say I'm a kid. Professor Rex, however, is now like, that's what he does. He's now just hooked into Cerebro. And that's it. That's his job now. That's his job now.

Because he has to maintain that gift for a year. Oh, I see what you mean. He's actually physically putting... It's not just on Christmas. They think they have the toy constantly. He's going to... I don't like the power you've given him. That's what I don't like. Like he could suddenly turn all those kids feral.

Also, I don't think he could do it. I don't think he could do it. You don't think he could? I don't think he's powerful enough. Not to maintain that for a whole year. No, but he's pretty powerful and he's doing nothing else. Or, look, I think he... Getting sponge baths.

Yeah, that's all right. That's all right. I reckon he couldn't maintain it. All right, I'll give you the caveat. Yeah. That after almost a day, whoever has, like, whatever toy they're pretending they're with, he makes a memory that they lose it. All right, that's fine.

What about if it's just a downgrade? So you thought you got an action man, but then on day three, you're like, this is an action Dan. And it's less solid. So long as you keep getting a new toy, I think it's fine. Because you're like, my memories of the old

toy are getting shitter and shitter, but I've still got this new toy that's good as. Often at Christmas, and unless I'm just a real spoiled shit, you get more than one toy. That's true. I as a kid, well, you're right, I would get one from my parents and one from Santa. But I never got more than two.

Maladie, our office dog, is trying to eat a fly and making a lot of ruckus. Yeah, you ruckus dog. You get presents from your family and stuff like that. Although, like, my two is still kept up because my parents actually give me one, and then Charles Xavier makes me think I've got a second. Yeah, but if you're there sitting, like,

the child's there sitting, like, drooling, right? Because something's gone wrong with his brain. And the child's there being like, you know, playing with, like, a pen, being like, Action Man, dad is is hero of them all And then grandma comes in And then she's like I think early onset something

Be like Mr and Mrs Jefferson What's wrong with Barry Barry seems simple You just gotta hope that doesn't happen And then of course, when you, and also when kids are comparing,

and like, you know, you know, Xavier's not going to individualize it for everyone. You fucking know. The kids are going to be like, I got it. I got an action man.

I got an action man. I got an action man as well. I'm like, where'd mine go? Yeah, because kids, you have like Reddit slash R slash like fucking santa presents santa presents everyone was like what happened to my action man and that would be like so many pages

i guess that's it's not so much mysticism it's not so much mr i was about to say not so much mysticism as it is more just conspiracy like you just have like what happened why the hell do we all think we got an action man so how how uh So how discriminating do we think Professor X would be? Does he just... Because often tradition dictates that you write a letter to Santa and you tell him what you want. Does Professor X get those letters, or is he just like, boys will get an action man and girls will get Dolly.

Next question. I feel it's that. I think it's a little bit more personalized than male and female presents. Because Xavier, like... How old does he have to give presents to? What's the age limit? 12, probably. He could spend a lot of time reading everyone's mind and be like,

what do you want? A puppy the size of a pony? There you go. You got it. Well, you think you got it. Whatever. what do you want? A puppy the size of a pony? There you go. You got it. Well, you think you got it. Whatever. What do you want? Bricks?

Yeah, you got bricks. Oh, coal. All right, coal. There you go. You can have coal. However, it might be easier. Well, it's definitely easier. For him.

No, no. For him to read the minds of all the young women and boys. Average it out. No. I thought you were going to average it out. To read the minds of every young child. Yeah. And then be like, everyone wants this.

And then brainwash or convince everyone, like their parents or whatever, to just buy or give these kids that. Well, see, hell, if we're including Professor X brainwashing children, he could be like, every child wants a brick. Every kid has a brick and there's no problem because people are like, check out my Christmas brick. And everyone's like, man, Christmas rules.

First year, I reckon you're going to have Xavier real enthusiastic. Well, yeah. First year is going to be, first year is my year five. Year one is my year five. And Xavier's going to be be like I'm going to read whatever I'm not going to live with kids

everyone gets what they want reads everyone's mind and then we're within limitation that was a lot of effort for me then like he's not gonna be like

well that's fucked up he's gonna read that and then it's like if someone say wants you know an action man then he's gonna go and implement like an idea

not everyone can get Cameron Diaz. I was going to say, is Professor X doing it if someone's like, I want my dad back from the dead? Or no, like, I want mum and dad to get back together. Well, all right. So all right, yes. But again, there's going to be some kind of... There will be, yeah.

Let's go with physical gifts first, because those other gifts, I feel there's going to be... That of... There will be, yeah. Let's go with physical gifts first, because those other gifts, I feel there's going to be... That's a whole other kettle of fish. So it's going to be like, if I want an action man, or my little Timmy wants an action man, he's going to then go to the owner of an action man store and be like, you'll go to give all these kids action men. Okay.

And then that guy's going to be like, you know, Inception, but really brainwashed to be like, oh, good charity, I'm going to give whatever. Every kid who can watch an anime. So I reckon that year's going to be like a really good, generous year for everyone involved. Yeah, the first year is definitely the best year. Then, what did you do?

Like, I'm going to read your mind, you know, Jennifer, what do you want? I really want that mummy and daddy get back together. I can make that happen in a heartbeat. Not a problem. Not a problem. Not a problem. And, you know, and Jennifer's parents, they split up for a very good reason. Yeah, hey, divorce happens often for the right reasons, guys. And now there's going to be a very unhappy relationship for a year.

And at the end of that year, they're going to be like, why did we think another year would work? And then the second year, then Xavier's going to be like, maybe I shouldn't do that. And I reckon the power's going to get to his head, and he's either going to go, like Xavier's going to be like, maybe I shouldn't do that. And I reckon the power's going to get to his head, and he's either going to go stir crazy and be like, everyone gets an action bad at a dolly, I don't care, or he's just going to not care, everyone gets an action dolly,

or whatever, Santa's not real. I think what's going to happen is a lot of, well, I can palm this off onto the rich with charity. Brainwash the rich to be charity. I think that's what's going to happen. Yeah, I think he started saying donating, and I'm like, oh, no, that's what he does. Yeah, you'd lose that whimsy,

and everyone would just be nice to each other. I feel like we underestimate the conceitedness of Professor X. I feel like after becoming bored after two years, he's like, all right, all right, every child for Christmas wants their parents to donate to the school that I run. Fuck, yep, I forgot. Professor X is an arsehole. What do you want for Christmas, Jennifer?

I would like you to donate $10,000 to the Xavier School for Gifted Youth. My counter-argument, I'm not 100% sure that he will do that. Maybe he will, but even if he does, that's what they want. They still got what they want for Christmas. They get their Christmas wishes. I get this. It's like you've backed us into a corner here. So, like, no matter what happens, everyone is happy,

even though, like, they shouldn't be. And it's not a real hap- Well, it is a real happiness. Because, like, a fake happiness, as long as you believe that it's a real happiness, it's still happiness. Ah. Hmm.

Yeah. Ah. It's like it's a perfect- The downside is there's a lot of- It's a terror zero. There's a lot of, like of messed up kids. That is a big downside. By the time you hit 13,

you're like, I made some strange choices when I was younger. What are the traditions? This happened 50 years ago or whatever. To see a bald man in your dreams. A very, very physically fit

standing upright old man with a glorious head of hair everywhere you need to give to like this like he just first year asking what you want every subsequent year telling you what you want it's like a glorious man with lovely long red luscious hair built really big and powerful legs that he just, like there's a real weird dream sequence where there's a big focus on him walking and we don't know why as he steps aside and gestures to a giant mansion made of gold and diamonds.

Up until the age of 13, we thought he was the coolest guy around by 13 we were like what the actual fuck was that and then we're like oh is that professor x guy mysticism is all the fuck over oh it's a nightmare

it's almost like a perfect 10 or a 1 it's like It's a five again I think Yeah I think I call it a five Because even if it's a ten it's not a real ten It's a horrible ten

It's not a real ten It's one of the fake tens Alright alright Now I could go just to the same wheelhouse As I always do with X-Men and the Marvel And I could go The multiple man Because I think he'd be a very good Santa because, look, you make a lot of people.

I think that's an easy answer. Yeah. So I reckon the best Santa Claus, and you could argue maybe this person already exists in this world. Whoa. A Sasquatch. Okay. Like an ape man?

An abominable snowman Just the one or the species? Let's go with Jack don't do this Let's go with Just the one Okay Advantages, very hard to spot

Yep, very hard to spot All your gifts are gonna be like Twigs Disadvantages Does he know what a toy is? Very hard to spot All your gifts are going to be like Twigs and mud Disadvantages Does he know what a toy is? Does he know what Christmas is? Does he know when Christmas is?

He definitely doesn't But he survives in cold climates Like the current Santa Claus That's true That's pretty good Mysticism is high Mysticism very high Mysticism is high

Not 100% but high Because then This is what Because look Christmas lacks whimsy Christmas lacks cheer And the thing is It's kind of like

We all like jokes Santa Claus isn't real Whatever whatever whatever This is like Santa's dead The Abominable Snowman Gets like a promotion Christmas cheer

What Christmas cheer It's Santa Again Again Like he's like There's a big announcement What Christmas cheer? It's Santa! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Again, again, like, okay, he's like, there's a big announcement, like, he's Santa's will, he's left, he's Santaring to the Abominable Snowman. Okay.

Everyone's like, what? The Abominable Snowman's real. So then we have mysticism, like, ooh! Is the Abominable Snowman within the world you're depicting like just an ape? Or is it like a magical creature? No, no, no. It's like an ape. Okay.

Okay. Good on Santa then. Santa's just bat-chus crazy. I guess it's like a Henry the Henderson. Okay. It's a Henry the Henderson. It's a Henry the Henderson. Yep.

I know what you mean. Yep. I'm with you. It's that kind of level of information. Okay. So he loves... Yeah. He's a McDonald's Henry the Henderson. I know what you mean. I'm with you. It's that kind of level of interest. Okay, so he loves... He's a McDonald's Philadofish. Yes. Good friends with John Lithgow. Like you wouldn't believe.

Okay, but a bit mad at John Lithgow because John Lithgow makes him go back to the forest at the end of that movie. Anyway, his relationship with John Lithgow aside. But if we wanted to, could I kind of get John Lithgow's character from Third Rock from the Sun to help him out? Okay, well, he's an alien, so he has alien technology, which I think includes teleportation. Then are you just using John Lithgow's character from Third Rock from the Sun?

Potentially. Why not just have said him? Because I think I just like the idea of the Abominable Snowman in a Santa hat. Yeah. Carrying a big sack. And I think that's pretty good. I think the kids will love it. Because again, it really pairs back Christmas to what it is.

Yeah, that's true. It should be about beasts and questions. Yeah. Fuck, that is Christmas all over. Beasts and questions. So, none of this commercialism. No one's like, what do you get for Christmas? People are like Did the snowman come

And like tear up your house today I reckon One of the big gifts Most people would get Would be like raw meat Yeah Because what does a Sasquatch And a bubble snowman

Think is good for you And like He's not going to sneak in No He's very In my head The snowman is a very polite Knock on the door

They'd answer it This towering Giant ape thing. And it'd have a sack of like fish. And you'd be like, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Santa. Unless you're a fish enthusiast. So like a.0001% of the population is real jazzed.

If your Santa knocks on the door, I feel like that's taken some hits to mysticism. I was not imagining knocking. I was imagining like... on the door and you're like, oh god, kids, hide. Santa's here. Okay, who's putting him in the Santa hat?

Because he's an ape. Oh yeah, he needs helpers. John Lithgow and the aliens From Third Rock from the Sun No no no that's ridiculous What can help him out What is an abominable snowman The Yeti

Inuits I think it's ape man Like the Yeti Are we having a team up Of Bigfoot, a Yeti, a Sasquatch, and an Abominable Snowman? I think yes. Okay. All right.

I think one of them is the brains. Sure. One of them is the face. Yep. Okay. One of them is Mr. T. Whatever he's... The muscle, I guess.

How about this? Yeah. Since I said a Sasquatch, how about the Alpha Flight member who is a Sasquatch How about the Alpha Flight member Who is a Sasquatch? Okay Yeah He's at least a guy He's at least a guy

So he's all the benefits of a Sasquatch Yeah But he's also smart He's also cognizant Okay, the benefits of a Sasquatch Again Again, if we could go Just go over the benefits of a Sasquatch

Because I don't quite recall what they were In terms of its Santa. Hard to spot. Hard to spot. No, it's hard to hide. No, it's hard to hide. In the forest. Survives in good cold climates.

Yep. Uh-huh. All the things you need for Santa. We celebrate Christmas here in Australia where it's actually quite warm. Oh, yeah. Also, I don't know if Santa... I was going to say you could have to shave him down.

I imagine Santa collapsed in a ditch because it's too hot. Yeah, Santa's fucked. With a big old bag of presents dragged by. A big old bag of fish. A big old bag of fish there. You wake up, you're like... Does anybody else smell rotting fish?

Is that six metric tons of rotting fish? What's this around the other side of it? It's a collapsed man wearing a onesie jumper. Wait a minute. However, Australia, we love our seafood. That's true. Especially on Christmas. Okay. So like

his presents are very good for Australia. I mean you get them early before the heat sets in. But him as a Sasquatch is very bad. Yes. What if I put him in board shorts? Well, then you're just doing what they do to Santa here.

They chuck Santa in board shorts for Australia. Actually, no, I'm adding a layer of clothing to him. Yeah, I was about to say, you want to shave him. Yeah, you want to shave that Sasquatch. So. Wait, we celebrate Christmas before America and that, don't we? Yeah. Shit.

Well, here's an idea. All right. You know, using some of don't we? Yeah. Shit. Well, here's an idea. All right. You know, using some of my beast knowledge. Yeah, yeah. Pretty much every continent and country has their own version of the Sasquatch. In Australia, we got the Yowies. There we go. In Russia, they got the Yeren.

Oh, man. There's bloody ape men all over this. All right. So on Santa's deathbed. Ape man in the world. Santa's deathbed. He's not like, give it to the Bonobo snowman. No.

He's just like, ape creatures. Yeah, pretty much much They're like And would you just write here Who you'd like to give your Got to word that very quick Ape And then we're like What?

Santa what the fuck? And then we just get the Yowies The Yetis Everything like that I think traditions Would be interesting That'd be great

Oh wait Yes Poachers People are going to Poachers. People are going to poach your squatches, man. And then, like, they're guaranteed to come out, you know, between, like... Yeah. You know Christmas Eve if you wait in a child's home. You're getting the Sasquatch.

With a rifle in a blind, you're getting that squatch. Yeah. I like that the biggest hurdle, and I feel like we can all acknowledge it as easily as the biggest hurdle, is poachers. That's by far. Come on.

Let's be honest. Yeah. Especially if you're using an individual and not the species. Imagine a poacher raising a good child as Bane's. Man. Yeah.

It'll happen. It'll happen. It'll fucking happen. And then all of your Squatches and your Yetis and your Yerrans and the like. That's a dead Squatch. They're happen. It'll happen. It'll fucking happen. And then all of your squatches and your yetis and your yarans and the like. That's a dead squatch. They're dead. They're dead. Me and three other men hunting all the ape men across the world.

I got yaoi, yeti. But you've only got really. I mean, look, it's a lot of houses. Yeah. And let's just say, like, like look The ape creatures are very fast So they're gonna get The poachers are gonna have to be lucky There's gonna have to be a lot of

Nah you're getting poached You're out of luck Chuck Alright so what are we slamming down for Zaman I wanna say like a Like a 3 Because like not only We talk poachers and all the ape men issues already, but they can't cover every house.

I think we decided that time should not be considered. Oh, time is bonus points. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And also, again, half of them are just apes. Yeah, they don't know what people want. They could not even ever comprehend. They might get into the house, put some fish, and then be like, now I'm taking a child.

Yeah, exactly. You might just wake up to being more. Yeah. Two. Yeah, I think it's a two. I think it's a two. It's not the worst it could be because I feel like for some reason these ape men have like a sense of Christmas spirit. Yeah, me too.

So I'm giving you a point for genuine Christmas spirit. I feel like the apes want to help. They just don't know how. Yeah. Again, when Santa died, his soul, his Christmassy, curious soul, just left his mouth and split up and went to the ape men. The seven ape men of the world. Yeah.

The seven greatest ape men of the world. The seven great ape men of the world. Okay, so not great, not great, not great. Okay, here's mine. I think this is the winner. The Monsters from Monsters, Inc. Every child has a bedroom. Every child has a bedroom.

Every monster comes out, they're good at hiding. Sneak into the lounge room, shit them presents down, fuck back to monster land. Not just that. Not just that. Because when they get a good present, kids laugh and have a good time. Collect it. Collect the laughs. Power your entire dimension. It's not just power your entire dimension it's not

just good charitable but it's also selfish and great problem one time or a couple times because it'll happen because they go to the children's wardrobe they open that up they only stay in that kid's room yeah yeah this monster needs to now travel through the, what if mum and dad are up? Well, well, they are trained to- Are we going to cause an interdimensional war? Oh, gee. Well, they're no longer sending the scary monsters if we're off the lofts. They're sending the goofy looking ones. Yeah.

Would you be scared if you saw Mike Wazowski in your house-ski? Would you not? Yeah, I'd be scared. I'd be terrified. Because especially if you just like look in the darkness and you just see like this big eye open and you're like what the what's the other Sully something

no the big hairy one Sully I'd be almost a little less scared less scared for a dumb reason but less scared because in the dark I'd think he was a bear I'd be less scared of meeting a bear Well no, an eye with arms and legs Is like basically hell

Yeah, that's just a horror He has horns, I'd assume a demon Had come for me Okay, well In the door chase scene That happens in the first film Some of the doors don't necessarily lead to child's bedrooms One leads to like a swamp

One leads to a trailer in a swamp Yeah, well one leads to like a Japanese house Somehow, and that's just in the lounge room The door So I think if you're clever about it Choose the right doors Middle of the night, you're very quiet Some people have parties at night Yeah You of the night, you're very quiet. Some people have parties at night.

You open the door, you hear like, you know, I'll come back later. Or you open the door and you hear Christmas caroling, I'll come back. Because there's all those doors and they've got a lot of time and a lot of monsters.

And the ones that, like Steve Buscemi's little chameleon one that just blends in. Yeah, lot of monsters a lot of different powers and again you're carrying a present hide behind said present i'm sad i think like previously i've mitigated a bit of it but i still think you're carrying a lot more risk by having to go from a children's room sometimes you will have to go from the kids room to the yeah but table. Yeah, but like... What traditions? Because again... I think you might not even need to change. You might not even have to tell the world Santa's dead because I think the monsters would be that good at delivering the gifts.

And I think you'd probably change milk and cookies to something else. No, yeah, what are monsters even like? They're just like normal food. Sushi? What else? You eat sushi. So I guess, yeah, you still have milk and cookies. And they would get eaten.

Yeah. And like... And you would... And like, oh, what you could do, you could get like reindeer hoof sounding like, you know, like fucking monsters with little hooves. Yeah, yeah. Get them to stand on the roof. Distract everyone. You get in there sneakily because there's so many of them. Yeah. When they are, all right, this is a small thing.

I'm just trying to. No, you got to play devil's advocate. Play devil's advocate. Sure. This is a small thing I'm just trying to No you gotta play devil's advocate So in the locker room scene From the first Monsters Inc When they are talking about deodorants The deodorant scents They are talking about

Wet dog, cat vomit And such like that What presents are we gonna get Oh yes Do the monsters think bad things are good no mike was are they haggarding it mike was asking knows how to make that kid laugh by doing burps and eating a microphone you can they're just they're not they don't have like you're gonna get you're gonna you basically made a good krampus also they have no cultural knowledge. And shit, we're not gonna get iPods. No. Shit like that.

You're gonna get monster iPods designed for weird monster ears. An iPod with, like, a jack that has 16 earphones on it or something. Yeah, that's a good point. I forgot that monsters have, like, basic... They're a good Santa, but they need them elves. Yeah, we've got bad elves. Can't I use Santa's elves? I assumed you

were with your squatches. They just weren't doing it. That being said though Well no That's how they got Bags of fish Monsters Inc. Is probably the best one So far

But how am I gonna get Good gifts Until my one But let's go What do we do Because we gotta sort out gifts That's an issue What is an issue

Because like What if Look first Christmas Is gonna be some fuck ups Yep Because you're right You're gonna get like Wet dog deodorant

Everyone's gonna get What the fuck Yeah yeah They're gonna wait there For their Christmas Like cheering Like capturing thing Like, you're gonna get like wet dog deodorant, everyone's gonna go what the fuck? Yeah, yeah. They're gonna wait there for their Christmas like cheering, like capturing thing, like, oh, we're gonna get, everyone's disappointed and they get tears. Yeah. And they're like, okay.

Something went wrong and why? Then you'll have like a Weasley family, Dad Weasley, what's his name again? Arthur. Arthur Weasley. Getting an Arthur Weasley kind of-esque job. Ah, okay. Go into the monster world, figure it out.

So the monsters are going to be like human studies? Yep. And then be like, okay. Will they know? Get an adult boo. There you go. They have good monster relations there. Will, alright.

I just feel... I wonder whether or not they'll know that they did bad. Well, they will because they're expecting all this Christmas cheer. They're expecting laughs. Unless it turns out tears are even more powerful. But they're not. Well, they will because they're expecting all this Christmas cheer. They're expecting laughs. Unless it turns out tears are even more powerful. But they're not. They're not. They're screams, we know. We don't know about

tears. We don't know about sobbing. The disappointing, like, just like, the sound disappointment. The high-level conversations that will happen if they find out that tears are more powerful than laughter. They'll be like, we've been feeling real good.

Well, actually, have they? Like, you know, in Monsters, Inc., we assume they're like, oh, they're making the kids laugh. They care about us now. Not necessarily. They don't know. They don't care. Maybe they just care about a job well done. I think so.

They care about the energy source. Also, they've got doors that go anywhere. So over the course of the year, lots of robberies could happen in our world to get the gifts. Hey! To give to the kids. There you go. Yeah. Thieving.

That's not so much Christmas cheer or Robin Hooding as it is just hood. Just being a hoodlum. But think about it from the perspective of us, the humans. Because it's like a couple of people are like, man, I got robbed. I don't know who robbed us. I guess we never sold it out. The insurance covered me. And kids get their gifts.

We don't know why. Redistribution of wealth. I knew this was a socialist podcast from the beginning. Support my socialist monster Christmas, Adam. I'm going to give you a 9 I'm giving you a 9 as well I think you got some problems I think I'm gonna give you an 8

Because I feel there's two major problems One is the gifts And one is possibly being caught Yeah, fair But I think that's definitely the best one so far That's a current winner, yeah Until My one's going to be.

All right, so. Imagine this pen were a microphone. Oh, my goodness. Ronald McDonald. Drop the pen. He dropped the pen. Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald.

The fast food clown. Many. He has many centralized distribution centers. He knows what the kids want. He's already a famous figure among children and much beloved. And he's a bit magic already. A bit magic already. He loses the whimsy, but like...

Just give out happy meals, but don't charge. Every kid loves McDonald's. Every kid does love McDonald's. Did you just fucking capitalism Christmas? I knew this was a capitalist podcast. I'm turning it around. See you later, Karl Marx. Hello, Joe fucking Plummer or whatever.

Okay, well. The thing is, you kind of ruined Christmas. There's no capitalist icon. Ronald Rake. Arn Rand. I don't know. Whatever. Let's not get into this. But no, I mean, you've ruined Christmas.

You've ruined Christmas. I've ruined it, but saved it. You've ruined it for everyone. But the kids are happy because they like happy meals. Yeah. And my kid's getting fat. Everyone's getting obesity. Yeah.

Our kids are already fat around Christmas. Because we're going to, yeah. You already eat a big meal. Everyone eats a big meal at Christmas. You know what? They're going to eat that. Then they're going to eat a happy meal. Yeah.

You just added more calories. But nobody's getting, are you doing toys as well or just Happy Meals? He's doing the toys as well. You've got to give the toy out as well. And they're shitty toys, but they come with a Happy Meal. Everyone loves it. When I was a child, what if I'm a child that wants a pony? Can I get a Happy Meal?

Who gets a pony? You aren't going to get a pony in any of us, except maybe Professor X on the first year. What if I'm a rich little boy and I asked Papa for a pony? It'd be, like, people would be mad, but you would change Christmas. Christmas is no longer Christmas. It's just McDonald's Day. Christmas.

When I was thinking about this... It's McMass. The biggest, like, hurdle is that Ronald McDonald is going to turn it into the McDonald's holiday. Yeah, it's no longer Christmas. You've ruined Christmas. I've saved Christmas. Well, he separated Christmas and the church,

which is something maybe we were off to. Maybe people were looking for that. It's certainly no longer a holy day. Not at all. Not at all. Midnight Mass ain't a thing. Because of that, I was originally considering Grimace because I don't think Grimace is smart enough

to know to turn it into a McDonald's holiday, but Grimace probably isn't smart enough to know how to distribute it as well. Plus, if you get Grimace doing it, Ronald's going to find out. Grimace will squeal like a pig. Maybe Birdie or the Hamburglar. Well, the Hamburglar's like your Krumpus.

If you don't appreciate your Big Mac, the Hamburglar will come and kidnap you Whip you with a birch leaf I think if I hand it over to the Hamburglar It's just like He'll skim off the top Yeah Does anyone actually know anything about Bertie? Not at all

She's got like a pilot She might have a plane She's got like a pilot You want the McDonald's for the centralized distribution. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, I could just pick any bird with a plane. So, like, it's good. It's a good idea.

But you've changed Christmas. You ruined it. Both of mine were sad. You've ruined Christmas good and proper. Both of mine are like 100% functionality 0% mysticism Because I was like oh no mysticism With Ron McDonald

But he's more of a shrewd businessman Yeah Businessman first, magician second But there is a magician there If anyone asks questions he's like Yeah he's going to trick you While he steals your wallet Well actually most of his magic

is McDonald's themed. Like, they really did manifest burgers. But that's good. If burgers are what everyone's getting for Christmas, then he just needs to go into a room and be like, ah! And it's like, well, I guess. Another possible downside? The only, maybe, I don't know if this is 100% true. I don't know how thick a skin

Ronald McDonald has, but maybe the only naughty boys and girls will be the ones who, you know, that classic park bench that he's sitting on? Like everyone's seen this, right? Anyone who's like made lewd gestures while sitting on that. Yeah, nah, that they would. But what can he give? What's the coal equivalent of McDonald's food? Hungry Jacks.

Hungry Jacks. Hojays. You get Hungry Jacks if you've been naughty. Which is still fine. It's fine. I still eat it. Maybe you get like a worse kind of McDonald's. You get a cheeseburger, no cheese. Yeah, yeah, true.

You get the chips, no salt. Only cucumbers. Everything's horse. Everyone's got a trouble for doing horse meat. Yeah, true. You get the chips, no salt. Only cucumber. Only pickles. Everything's horse. Everyone's got a trouble for doing horse meat. He just tells you where the nuggets come from. It's like, you get hot apple pies and never cool down. Unprocessed meat.

But like the gross pink sludge McDonald's produce. An endlessly hot apple pie sounds like a good source of power. It sounds like I can stuff them in an engine. That sounds like if I'm lost in the wilderness and I'm like, I need to heat up, I can just open it up and be like, oh, thank God. No, you're bad. There's a punishment.

Don't use my punishments to survive the wilderness. All right. Okay. That's pretty good. It's kind of depressing. Publicly good. Behind the scenes, not so good. No, publicly good because he's like...

You ruined Christmas. No, in public, Ronald McDonald is like, ah, magic, whimsy, blah, blah, blah. He makes it look magical, but behind the scenes, it's just not. Like, statistically, you'll look at it and you'll be like, obesity spike.

Shit like that. I'd say six. Really? Better than Xavier. Better than Xavier on the that. I'd say six. Really? Better than Xavier. Better than Xavier on the up. I'd say ten. Yes. Because, like, he's ticking all the boxes. He is.

I'm just not happy on, like, a moral level. That's not it. That shouldn't count. No Christmas cheer. Imagine, like, your Christmas decorations. Not fair. Look, it's a ten. It's yellow and red. It's a ten. You haven't not it. That shouldn't count. No Christmas cheer. Imagine like your Christmas decorations. Not fair. Look, it's a 10. It's yellow and red.

It's a 10. You haven't deserved it. I win by being lost, I think. All right. All right. Well, look, I've got, okay. I know we said, you know, I've got one more. Okay.

That's okay. One more. Check it out. We'll call this one. All right. I've got two more. So I don't know which one to choose. I couldn't choose as well.

I'm like Lex Luthor. I'm like the Punisher. Okay. Or Galactus. Let's talk Galactus. Let's explore that one. So Galactus, everyone's on a level playing field. Everyone's being naughty, and everyone gets etched.

Okay, well, that's one Christmas. One very short or the Punisher where it's like, he's got high standards. He's got really high standards. So, if you're naughty, maybe you get your leg broke. But not even that.

Maybe he's like, no, I'm not going to break any kids' legs. Just because he lost his kids. If you've been naughty, you're not getting a present. But I know. I fucking know how naughty you've been. Wait until you turn 18, then you break your legs. And then he's only got to give gifts to three people. Ghost Rider.

He's got an actual power of telling whether you're naughty or nice. Gives you the stare of souls. Although, how many children is he going to leave behind? Like, eyes burning. Oh, that's a good point. Plus, he's a skull, he's a leather skull man. How many children's souls, though, are dirty with the blood of the innocent?

Very few. But every now and then, that's the sad part. Every now and then. He's like, you know, because he'd like knock on your door, like, hi, who are you? You're Mr. Gaysrider. Ah! Oh, you've been good, have a present good have a you will receive that's dark mysticism right there yeah that is that is unpleasant i'm trying to think of someone else anyone else uh i'm still liking predator

predator's pretty good i wanted to i wanted to make my first one predator and then my second one but i couldn't figure out how Alien would work. No, everybody gets a chestburster. Predator would be alright because he can hide. Yeah, he's a good hider. And if he was good friends with Santa Claus and been convinced, then I think he'd be okay. Yeah.

I think warrior children are nice. I think Boxing Day, however, might change into a hunting match. What if, though, he's like a very good child, deserves one of these things? A, a good death, or B, the chance to prove himself against an alien. That could happen. That's really scary to imagine somebody dropped on an alien planet,

like a 10-year-old kid gets given a weapon, like Merry Christmas. To hunt the beasts of space, maybe, probably I wouldn't put it past us Actually you probably wouldn't do that I think if we're counting like fucking Alien vs. Predator in the first Alien vs. Predator

he like encounters this old man you see from his perspective it's like he's looking through his body, an x-ray or whatever and he sees that he's got a bum heart and the Predator just walks away, he doesn't want to fuck with an old guy. Yeah, I know. Then he flamethrows his back, and the Predator's like, well, fuck you, I guess.

Yes. I was saying, are we fuckers? Because actually, the best fictional person to be Santa Claus is Superman. Okay. Yeah. He's super fast. He's been raised on good, wholesome American values. That's true.

Yeah, yeah. He's already an icon. Traditions would be pretty easy. Like, he'd dress up like Santa Claus. He should dress up like Superman. That's a good point, actually. If everyone loves Superman. Wait, did you say dress up like Santa?

Superman. Oh, no. It's a tradition. Dress up like Superman. Mall Supermans. Mall Supermans would be a thing. He's got super hearing, so he could hear your prayers and wishes for Santa stuff. Yeah, true.

He's already got an address. Is he good enough for him? He's got the Fortress Solitude. Send your mail there, which is basically the North Pole. Is he good enough? Does he have a good enough brain to remember everyone's wish? Yes. How's he getting the presents?

He's not going to steal them. He's not. He won't. Yeah, he won't. But I reckon because he's... Maybe he's got the elves. We've got other ones' elves. He'll call in to steal them. He's not. He won't. But I reckon because he's... Maybe he's got the elves. We've got other ones' elves. He'll call in some favours, I think. Or he'd work extra hard, do a couple

of shifts or something. I think we can give him the elves, to be honest. I'll give him the elves. Give him the elves. That's fine. Superman carrying a massive sack full of presents as he flies is pretty cool. And also, then there was good friends with Batman, who would make a really good Krampus.

That's true. Lex Luthor is going to fucking hate that. Yes! That's a pretty good choice, though. He's got the wholesomeness. Mysticism's a bit low. It's some mysticism, though. It's not zero.

But we are giving a job to an alien. An illegal alien. I don't know how I feel about that. Plus, it's a lot of power. This is a weird communist slash anti-immigration podcast. But yeah, so he's fast, so you might not know. That's true. And if we, you know, like, hey, he does have good friends.

Like, he's got one, Newman, The Flash. If the Justice League did it. But then it's basically the X-Men without the moral ambiguity. But I think Superman by himself would do a pretty damn good job. I think Superman's a good choice. I think Superman's a good choice. I still think if I have to get to choose a personal winner, it's Ronald McDonald. Yeah, Ronald McDonald wins. I mean, Superman's like the ideal version. still think if i have to get to choose a personal winner it's ronald mcdonald yeah ronald mcdonald

like i mean superman's like the ideal version like superman is like yes we did it but then ronald mcdonald's like ah excuse me yeah my personal winner he wasn't suggested but he was one of the ones i thought of was tim allen from the santa claus no no no tim allen from home improvement and on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Adam. And if you guys have any better fictional characters that might make a good Santa,

yeah, that beats Ronald McDonald. What's his middle name? I want to say Ronald J. McDonald, but I think that's right. Ronald McDonald McDonald. Imagine this, Ronald Reagan McDonald. Wow. So if you have any better options that might beat Ronald McDonald,

let us know in the comments or on Twitter at Sandspans Radio, or you can email us in, sandspansradio at gmail.com. Yep. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you one and for all. A parumpapumpum. A parumpapumpum. A little drama boy, a little drama boy.

Goodbye. Oh, silent night. Oh, silent night. Silent night. Holy night. All is calm. All is quiet. Down, young virgin, mother and child

Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen. Merry goddamn Christmas. Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas. Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.

Gone on this end, gone with the end. There's a little tongue to every home. Gone on this end, gone with the end. There's a little tongue to every home. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.