Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Character Would Make the Best Master Splinter? (Ft. Ralph Attanasia)

Episode Date: January 28, 2018

In which our heroes are joined by Ralph Attanasia to ask the hard hitting question; Which Fictional Character Would Make the Best Master Splinter?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANS PASS RADIO. STOP FLYING AND CRAWLING INSECTS IN THEIR TRACKS. and I guarantee you it's going to be so intense you die. And if you survive, that night we three boys are going to be doing another show at an RTX afterparty, joined by Dragon Friends DM Dave Harmon and Elise and James Willems from Funhaus. So if the first show didn't reduce your body to ash, the afterparty show certainly will. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which fictional character would make the best Master Splinter?

Alright, so Master Splinter, he's the one that trains the turtles He's the big rat that trains the turtles What I like about Master Splinter, before we get into anything else, is that the turtles were turtles that became dudes. But Master Splinter was a dude that became a rat. They met in the middle. That's cool ass. Only sometimes, because sometimes he's a rat that became a dude.

Oh, but sometimes he... Yeah. But that's ridiculous, because where did he learn Kung Fu? He copied his master, Hamato Yoshi, from within his cage. Well, he has probably got a poor understanding of Kung Fu. I would say so, right? I've watched a lot of Kung Fu movies, but I don't think I could teach anyone anything about Kung Fu. It's really funny to imagine the Ninja Turtles getting into a fight with the foot. Yeah.

And just eating shit because they're not doing Kung Fu properly. They've only got the mastery of Ninjutsu that comes from learning it from a mutated rat who watched a guy do it with a rat's understanding. Exactly. What you need to do is you need to move your claws into this position, get balance quite precariously on your tail, and then pounce. I guess, Master Splitter. Got this. Also, it's a really, like, surely when you're teaching these, like,

young ninja, teenage ninja turtles, ninjutsu, surely you're like, yes, you need discipline of, discipline of body and mind. But also diet is a huge kind of factor when you're kind of trying to get fit. Pizza. Pizza is not appropriate. It's not good, master splinter. I believe he's a rat. He don't know.

He's like, whatever, you find the garbage, you eat it, it's good. That's how you live your life. What's harder to figure out is where they're getting that pizza that's true i imagine it was someone just discarded it like splinter's he's a he's a rat he's a scavenger i'm thinking like a dirty great big new york rat it's just hey what's up it's great to imagine like them ordering pizza and the pizza delivery guy just being like at a manhole being like what the fuck and then just being at a manhole, being like, what the fuck?

And then just opens up, they're like, just leave it. Just drop it. Just slide it. There's a cat. Like it, looking out of the storm drain. We're like, hiya, Georgie. Just slide that pizza down. That was uncomfortable. That was good.

That was very good. That was good. That was very good. That was unpleasant. Although it, it has, like, it, it as a mentor for the boys. Well, he knows sewers. He does. Kung fu wise. So what do we need out of a master splinter? What are his credentials that we also need to fill? He needs to teach him Kung Fu, presumably.

Right. He has to be a father figure. Yes. Yeah, I was going to say, he's kind of like, you know, teaches them how to be, not just like how to do ninja moves. He's a father figure, good mentor kind of thing. Yeah. Teaches them about life.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like life lessons. Meaningful lessons. Yeah, all right. And so, wait, I think we should split father figure into two things, then. It should be, like, life lessons and raising teenagers. Yes, you're right. Yes.

Because he's got to be able to do both. Raise a teen. That's going to be hard. That's going to be hard. What else does Master Splinter do? I guess, you know, he's got to care. That comes after raising a teen, caring for him. Yeah, yeah.

So just like a good dad. Good dad. Good dad. A good dad that also teaches you ninjutsu is basically what you're looking for with Master Splinter. And I guess immortal enemies. Oh, he should have immortal enemies. All right, so that's four criteria. Is that too many or are we good?

No, I think that's good. That's perfect. I think that's a perfect amount. All right. All right. All right. Okay. Straight off the bat, I'm going to pick Optimus Prime.

The transforming truck. Leader of the Autobots. The semi-truck. Tough to get in the sewers. Tough to get in the sewers unless we find one of them big openings. Oh yeah, like a storm drain. Yeah, and then we just drive him down.

And then he can live there for a bit problem too he's very big he is very the ninja turtles whilst big for turtle little for trucks so like well prime's prime size has never been consistent like in the old cartoons sometimes he's playing basketball on like a normal sized basketball net. And then other times he's 16 feet tall. So, yeah. Wasn't that like a thing actually with like the Transformers where they can kind of change size? Yeah, they have shrinking technology.

Yeah. Megatron can go from a man-sized robot into a handgun. Yeah, that's true. They do have shrinking technology. So I guess Optimus Prime. So he's just like, there is a bunch of turtles. There's a bunch of turtles that need my help. I'm going to have this shrinking tech go down. I tell you what, just before we get any farther into this, because I'm fascinated.

I feel like, what's Megatron's second, the Weasley one. Chris Lotta did his voice. He's a plane. Starscream? Thank you. Why didn't he like, you know, like Megatron turns into a gun, right? Yeah. And then you put him in a box.

Your problem's over. Yeah, put him in a safe. Because I feel like he'd break out of that box. But a safe? Yeah. Yeah, well, like a metal box. Gun safe. Yeah.

Chuck it in the safe. All right, yeah. You put him in a gun safe and your problems are done. You're the head of the Decepticons now. I think it's because Starscream was afraid of power, you know? He's like, again, he's a dog chasing a car. Once he gets it, he doesn't know what he's doing with it. He needs someone else to be in charge so he can be a weasel.

You can't have a weasel king. No. You know, weasel's your grand vizier. Yeah, Starscream was always a good grand vizier. Yeah, he was. He was never a good king. Weasel king is going toizier. Yeah, Starscream was always a good grand vizier. Yeah, he was. Never a good king. Weasel King is going to be the name of my solo album. Weasel King is a great name for something.

All right, so Optimus Prime. He is a good dad. Because Optimus Prime is dad to the Transformers. Yeah. To the Autobots. Yeah, and like a pseudo father figure for Spike. And Sam Witwicky. Yeah, whatever Shia LaBeouf character is.

Sam Witwicky, him. Sam Witwicky's dad was not a good dad. But Optimus Prime was a good dad. So yeah, he's a dad to all the Transformers. And a good dad to Grimlock. Yeah. And the shit one, Goldbug. No, that's his later thing.

I don't know. Bumblebee. Bumblebee, yeah. So we know he can look after equivalent teens. Plus he's so good at wisdom and he's doling that out. He's one wise bot. When he died, a whole generation of

children mourned his death. Yeah, absolutely. Just because of what he was doling out. And he's such a good mental figure to Hot Rod, even though Hot Rod did not believe in himself. You keep saying he gives good advice. I can't remember a single instance of Optimus Prime advice. Give me an example of this.

I'm going to have to Google, quickly Google. No, here, we'll play. I'm Michelangelo. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Michelangelo. Okay. Yeah. I'm coming up to you. I'm going to have a teenage existential crisis. Oh, no, no.

He's a robot. Oh, no, my first hurdle. Master Prime, I'm, like, really bummed because there are no girls, and I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. That's all right, Michelangelo. In our world, there are no girls and i feel like i'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life that's all right michelangelo in our world there is no gender we simply have robots and then rc who takes on the characteristics sometimes of what these humans call a woman i get it so you're saying I should, like, be a girl? If that's what you want, Mikey.

Is that what you're getting? That's what we're going to do. Are the teenagers their brothers? Are they brothers? I don't. Before I start shepherding insects, are they brothers? I don't know if they're like blood related. They always say they're brothers.

If they're not blood related, I'm like, have you thought about Donatello? He's a handsome boy. Have you heard about that robot and his team of incestuous sewer turtles? Yeah, it's a fucking scene down there. Well, it's a fucking scene down there. Well, there's April.

Have you tried asking out April on a date? Once there was a lady Ninja Turtle, Venus de Milo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they wrote her out very quick. Yeah, she has been struck from canon hard. Ah, that's a shame. Sorry, Michael Angelo. Spoo-hoo bad.

All right. What else do we need? Teaching martial arts He's so good at hand-to-hand combat Yeah, against a big robot Nah, when he's Versing another robot When you see him, again, a lot of my information is going to come From the amazing 86 animated film Transformers the movie

But when you see the fight between uh him and megatron like it still holds up to this day it's close quarters they start shooting each other their guns go whatever like optimus prime gets like a fucking sword megatron gets like a bombing knocker going on it's good and man they fight each other and the only reason optimus dies is because hot rod, the dickhead, tries to intervene. So, like, again, he's good because he's like, no, I've got to save my mates. And my, like, you know, what's the word for a father figure? Child figure?

Child? Child figure? Yeah, I don't know. Save that. And that's, you know, he's got to sort of sacrifice himself so that, you know, he's a mentee. Yeah. He'll live. So, I reckon he's very to sort of sacrifice himself so that, you know, he's a mentee? Yeah. He'll live. So I reckon he's very good at fighting hand-to-hand combat.

I like the idea that he would ask them what they can transform into. That's funny as well. All right, my boys. What can you transform into? Well, we can turn into us, but without the arms and legs out. We can transform into a shell. Look, I'm just going to shrink in. There we are.

Pretty good, I guess. Is this? Okay. Well, we used to be like real little turtles. That's great. Can you change back? Maybe we've got some ooze on us. I quickly Googled Optimus Prime quotes. No. No. Maybe if you got some ooze on us. I just quickly Googled Optimus Prime quotes.

Yeah. Man, freedom is the right of all sentient beings. Whoa. In any war, there are calms between storms. There will be days when we lose faith. Uh-huh. Is there any more? Come on.

Let me click this. These, I think, are all from the Michael Bay formers, and that's pretty exciting. I think so. I think, are all from the Michael Bay formers, and that's pretty exciting. I think so. My favourite piece of wisdom from the Michael Bay formers is when Optimus Prime is like, you'll find me in the stars, and just leaves Marky Mark for no reason.

Like RoboCop at the end of RoboCop 3. Yeah! In any war, there are calms between storms. There will be days when we lose faith, days when our allies turn against us, but the day will never come when we lose faith, days when our allies turn against us, but the day will never come when we forsake this planet and its people. I mean, come on.

That's some good advice. Look, that's some heavy wisdom from old Opti Prime. That's true. If I was a Ninja Turtle, I'd be feeling pretty proud right now. There's a thin line between being a hero and being a memory. Man, he is good with the wisdom.

Yeah, look, that's some heavy stuff. Yeah. I don't know if I can cope with that. Or this beautiful quote, I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. Wow, that says it all, doesn't it? Absolutely. Very similar to a piece of advice my dad gave me, you know,

when I was young. Dad, what's the meaning of it all? I am John Bailey, leader of the Bailey family. Leader of the Autobots. Leader of the Autobots. What? Huh, Dad? Transformers, roll out.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, roll out. Roll out. Chill out, I guess. So, guess so yeah so kung fu i think he's very good i think he's like yeah i think he's all right all right he's probably look he's probably better than a rat who's watched it yeah that's true that's true yeah you know he's he's actually been in a fight yeah he's shown some capabilities and he's like weirdly for like a truck he's mobile yeah yeah like agile yeah trucks and mobiles amit he's agile for a truck. He's mobile. Yeah, yeah, true. Agile. Trucks are mobiles, Amit. Don't be needed. He's agile for a truck. They're auto

mobile, in fact. And with Splinter, is he the best at nunchucks, swords, scythes, and bo staff? No, I don't think so. I mean, one assumes. I've never seen Splinter do anything

with their weapon, Whereas at least Optimus has had a sword. And what is a sword if not a little bit of all? Exactly. It's a little bit stuff. It's a little bit non-chuck. It's 100% non-chuck. Look, you get two swords.

It's at least some chuck. Put a bit of chain in between them. That's a non-chuck. That's a nunchuck. You're good. You did it. So in terms of mentor, wisdom, pretty good. Father figure, whoa. All right, he's struggling.

These are good. We got to score this. What are we going to do? Add a five for each of these? I can write them down. I like grades. Grades are good. All right, so Kung Fu. A. B plus. B plus. B plus. B. out of five for each of these i can write them i like grades grades are good all right so kung fu

b plus b plus b plus b plus b i think a b father figure like a c c look look he's not he's often leaving the autobots to deal with shit yeah you know yeah yeah i mean and a lot of the autots have died, but very few of them. That's true. That's a good point. That's a good point. And, like, again, a lot of... He also tends to be a bit of tough love.

Yeah. It's like, you know, find the strength within yourself, which is good for a mentor, but maybe not the best for a father sometimes. Sometimes you just want a hug. You know... And I don't know if Optimus has ever doled out hugs. No. I think the idea would be foreign to him. It says fathering and then it was

Kung Fu, fathering, wisdom and then there was a fourth one, right? Mortal enemies. Mortal enemies. The one we added for some reason to that list, which he's got in spades. And also if he's ignoring the Autobots to look after the Ninja Turtles, then like, also the Autobots.

Because if I'm Bumblebee, I'm going to be like, what the fuck, man? I reckon Manto A, though. Manto A, yeah, absolutely. But Mortal Enemies, oh, my God, he's got so many, although these are not good for turtles to fight. Yeah, yeah, I was going to say that. Like, the Ninja Turtles are probably not fighting the foot

in this instance, because I'm assuming the idea is that they got oozed as turtles. They grew up in the sewers where Optimus Prime was anyway, for some reason. I'm hiding out from those Decepticreeps. And so he's like, well, I'll raise these turtles. So he's not really raising... They're not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They're like Teenage Mutant Robo...

Almost Robo Turtles. Yeah, but not quite. When did that robot turtle come into play? Fuck, what was his name? Metalhead. Metalhead! Yeah, he's gonna be Optimus' favourite. Yeah, absolutely. It depends, like, sometimes Shredder makes him to fight the turtles, but then he turns

good in, like, a Smurfette kind of deal. Yeah, yeah. And then... sometimes he's made by the turtles. Okay. I had him as a figure growing up. He was great. Yeah, that is good. Oh, he was great. You shine a light in his head and his eyes light up he was great yeah that is good oh he was great you shine a light in his head and his eyes light up yeah yeah that's cool so i reckon he's gonna be definitely and also once that happens there's gonna be jealousy among the others amongst the

turds yeah yes look enemies are oh i'm gonna be wait is it good if he has lots but does he get a high grade because he has heaps now you think about it see the turtles they fight shredder and the foot yeah and they also fight bebop and rocksteady sometimes the two best guys yeah those guys rule these are guys that like will bleed you cut them and they bleed yeah true i don't know what happens when you cut a megatron like nothing right like your weapons bounce off and make it's like you's like two of them have essentially sticks. Yeah. And the other two have variations on big knife.

Yeah. And I don't want to fight a robot with that. No, unless Optimus is giving these turtles guns. Yeah, I was going to say that the idea of Optimus being like, well, okay, because they're not ninja turtles. They're not ninjas anymore. He's just like opening up a case full of rifles yeah they're teenage mutant gun toting turds tmgtt yeah but you know he outfits all those

human kids that he runs into with like cybertron gear right like every time there's a kid in the cartoon they've always got some kind of robot suit or something right yeah yeah absolutely so spike and sam like especially in the cartoons, they have those X-ers things where they turn into cars and shit, so maybe we'll be like a giant turtle that turns into a car. Yeah. Wait, wait. Do the kids turn into

a car? Like an Iron Man suit. Okay, thank you. I was very scared for a moment. Although, look, think about this, right? Because, you know, Optimus Prime is a big truck. Yeah. Getting the cab runs over the problems.

Yes. Ninja Turtle. Imagine Optimus Prime driving down the highway. Ninja Turtles holding rifles in their weird hands, hanging out the door, shooting up the place. That's terrifying. What a fact. Yeah, so I'm going to give him an F.

Yeah, I think give him an F for modern enemies. Really? Because I'm willing to be more generous on that front. Like, it's good, but I feel Optimus is doing the majority of the legwork. Yeah, absolutely. He kind of doesn't need the turds, you know? Okay, alright. Let's put some thought

into this. And we're looking for someone who's used to raising teenagers. Someone who's used to mutants. Someone who trains people in combat. Someone whose wisdom, granted, is questionable. I'm thinking of none other but Charles Xavier.

Yes. Oh, yes. That amazing man. All right, go on. I can't get my wheelchair into the sewers. Donatello, build me a ramp. No, Mikey, lift me. Carry my frail body.

Well, first of all, he's getting them out of the sewers right away. Oh, absolutely. Because Chuck doesn't hang out in no sewer. He brings mutants to his house. Yeah, so what are we the morlocks this is gross now yeah dirty no no no no no oh i forgot about the morlocks yeah he'd have to get to them quick so that they don't wind up morlocks yeah it's true do you know there's those uggos living in the sewer? It's unpleasant, really. I like to imagine as he collects the turtles,

he's like, you're in the right place, Morlocks. This is what you deserve. And then he wheels. At least these things are cute. Look at you. What's that? You call yourself a leech? That's not good.

You live in filth. You could fix that, but you don't. Mondo Gecko just running as fast as he can to catch up before X leaves the series. Like, wait, dude, no! Take me with you. It's too late. You're a Morlock now. Yeah, look, Professor X.

Okay, so he... They're not mutants. Well, I guess they are mutants. They are mutants. It's in the name. It says it right in the name, Jack. Yeah, fuck. No, but no, because they're not... I love the idea. Go ahead. No, I was just going to say, you know, like, they were Teenage Mutant Gun-Totent-Turtles. Now they're Teenage Mutant

Mutant-Turtles. That's great. TMMT. TMMT. Yes, TMMT TMMT Yes TMMT The perfect mutant mutants I like the idea of just Professor X Talking to them one at a time

So what's Tell me what's your mutant power Leonardo what are you Well I'm a man shaped turtle Excellent good Do you have any special training? Ninjutsu. Ah, fantastic.

Perfect. Listen, you stay over there with Professor Pride. I'm going to talk to the next, your brother Raphael. Raphael, what's your mutant ability? A man-shaped turtle. Ah, yes, good, good, good. Special abilities? Do you have, like, lasers?

Can you, like, I don't know, do turtle things? Can you breathe underwater? No, I was a tortoise before I became this. Ah! Good in the sun, I guess. Ninjitsu is, again, yeah, I guess you're also going to Professor Pride. Maybe she could help you with that. Leaning over the desk to whisper to Wolverine, be like, what if we just took one?

How many more of these are there? Who's next? Michael, is it? All right. What do you... Let me guess. Let me see. I'll do it with my eyes closed.

Giant man turtle, Ninjutsu. Totally. Nailed it. Professor X right again. All right, well, I need just one of you because having four is redundant. I don't like doubling up.

Which of you is the most Scott Summers-y? I'm taking Leonardo. The rest of you are Morlocks now. Yeah, look, you're fine, but the rest of you, join the Uggers under the suits. Yeah, put her back with the Morlocks, Wolverine. It's time for my constitutional goodbye.

Wait, wait, I'm a genius. We've already got a fighty genius, thank you. Look at it, you're basically like a shaved beast. And that's gross. Who cares if you're a genius? I don't need any more geniuses or people who can fly. You're basically like a shaved beast. That's gross. Who cares if you're a genius? I don't need any more geniuses or people who can fly. A giant man-turtle is at least a bit unique.

Something else funny about Professor X is not going to let him have his name. He's going to be like, you're a man-turtle now. Yeah, my name is Leonardo. No, no, no. Try again, buster. We all have good names here, you see. Have you thought about Shell Boy? Or Shallow Turtle Face?

The Big Turt? Like, look at this skinny wiener over here. His name's Scott, but we call him Cyclops because we make him wear that visor like it's Devo. It's like he's got one eye, see? Tink, tink, tink, see? Look. He's got two in there. But we call him... We call this blue guy Beast. And he didn't always start off looking like a beast.

I know. We called him Beast when he was still a man. He just had big feet. You know, sort of fucked up if you think about it, man. But like, you know. So let's see. You look a bit like a green version of the Michelin Man, but in a turtle shell. You're wearing a Zorro mask for some reason.

Right. I'm going to call you Bendito Tire Turtle. No, that's terrible. How about, oh, what if we just say Michelin Zorro? Can we say, put legal on this. Can we say Michelin Zorro? Are we going to be sued by Michelin again? I'm calling you Michelin.

Green Michelin Man. People will get it. It's perfect. Now go fight this man who can control metal. Perhaps maybe don't use that sword. No, no. We know what. Use the sword and see what happens.

I'll put you in the danger room. What kills turtles? Herons? All right. So combat training. Okay, so combat training. Well, again, he can fill the danger room with herons. He got the danger room.

Yeah. That's good. Xavier is not actually teaching him Kung Fu, because I feel like Xavier knows Kung Fu just as well as Master Splinter. Yeah. I've watched a couple of boozers. I saw a guy do it from a cage. Whatever.

It's fine. It was a rowdy weekend. But I imagine that there's enough people at the mansion that know Kung Fu statistically. I feel like every third person in the X mansion knows Kung Fu. Like Wolverine's a ninja. Yeah. Probably Storm

is. Kitty Pryde and Wolverine are 100% being trained at least once by the hand. Yeah, so they can, and the hand is basically the foot. Nightcrawler definitely fights swords. Oh yeah, oh my god. 100%. So the, yeah, the Ninja Turtles, sorry, the Teenage

Mutant Turtles are definitely getting, like getting good training. Probably better training here than they would from an old master swimmer. And it wouldn't be just ninja training. It'd be all kinds of combat. Anti-heron training. Anti-heron training. Big fish.

Have to get out of one of those six-pack rings. Today we've got a very big problem for you guys. We've got this four-pack of plastic ring. They're all going to go around your neck. Now get out of it. Ha-ha, you can't. This is a problem you're going to have to learn to avoid. You know, like a classic, like, those big traps,

they, like, put food in a cage and you go in the cage and it slams behind you. One of them with just a slice of pepperoni pizza. I've noticed you, Mikey. You keep falling for it. Come on, man. I know what's happening and I can't stop. Yeah, that's a problem. That's something we're gonna have

to take care of, because, like, what the fuck, man? Have some impulse control. Gee whiz. Alright, look, I'm going to take the pizza out of here now, because you keep getting stuck in there. I'm gonna throw it- He got in it Control. Gee whiz. Alright, look, I'm going to take the pizza out of here now because you keep getting stuck in there. I'm going to throw it away. He got it in it again. I thought there might be

more. Why would you think that? There was still some grease. How are you not fatter? You should be fatter. You're back to the shoes. All the tortoises I fed pizza are dead. All the tortoises I fed pizza

are dead. All the real tortoises, but you survived. I like that, unrelated to this, Charles Xavier has been feeding pizza to tortoises. I like that he's getting real stuck up about

tortoises. You call yourself turtles when you're clearly not. I like that he's getting real stuck up about tortoise He calls himself turtles when you're clearly not You are clearly not turtles because none of you have fins Your hands are not flappy Look, just like opening an encyclopedia of Britannica Turtle, you look nothing like this Tortoise, yes, you've got the little stump hands Why are you calling yourself

The Teenage Mutant Mutant Tortoises? That's what we're calling you from now on. You don't have any nostrils. How do you smell? Like a sewer. Yes, well, I wanted to talk about that as well. Have a shower. They're getting you into the bath.

Ninja Turtles probably have a beast scrub of them. So in terms of Kung Fu trading... Pretty good. I'll call that an A. I'll call that an A. All right, all right, that's fair. Father figure.

Fathering teenagers. Whoa, F. He's killed more of them than I've been. If you come to Professor X and you're like, hey man, I'm just struggling with, I don't know, what's my place in the world? I'm going through tortoise puberty. Professor X is just going to be like,

I don't know. Why'd you come to me? I'm having strange feelings about April O'Neil. Well, that's just wrong. You're a tortoise. She's a human. Look, opening this aclybridic Britannica. This is what a tortoise's penis looks like. That's wrong. Don that in a lady oh god have you ever seen that yeah it's it's it's

it's like a have you ever seen what it's like a big fist kind of isn't it yeah it's it's like the demogorgon from stranger things like it looks like a fist and then it opens up and there's all like stuff going on the one thing i know that's very gross about tortoise penises is that apparently when they do it and it flops out, sometimes they have a hard time putting it back in. So as a tortoise owner, if you own a tortoise, you have to get a jar of Vaseline and kind of like help it sheath itself. I hate that I know that now.

I was thinking the same thing. I was so prepared to go through the rest of my life not knowing that. Exactly. However, I like tortoises. They're an animal I'm a fan of. So it's probably better I know now than down the track I buy a tortoise and at some point have to do it myself. I don't want to realize as I'm touching the tortoise's penis.

I want to be prepared. So in many ways, thank you many ways thank you yeah that's fine for little tortoises but when you get like a big like i'm just thinking of like a gamera oh oh we're gonna need a big big helicopters the camera has saved us. He's defeated chaos. Yeah, but damn. He's helping the- At what cost, you know? At what cost? They make the funniest sound when they're fucking. Imagine Professor X going, like,

wheeling himself down a hallway and just hearing like, eh, oh, eh, oh. He's like, oh, no, no, no. Boom, boom, boom, boom. What did I say? Don't you fuck anyone. You're monsters. Did I remind you where I found you?

In the sewers. You're sewer-dwelling freaks. Get out of there. Nobody's allowed to be uglier than Beak. Beak is the cutoff. If you have a baby, Nobody's allowed to be uglier than beak. Beak is the cutoff. If you have a baby, it's going to be hideous. That's why we keep beak around, so that everyone can look at that and be like,

that is as low as we can go on the ugliness scale. You are on the cusp. On the cusp. I'm keeping my eyes on you. So look. That's a fathering teenagering teenagers that's an f huh that's mental though wisdom yeah he's got he does a wisdom is wise in a sense i guess give him a b minus give it a c yeah c plus c plus yeah we'll call it a C plus.

It's wisdom where he's going to hit you with a lot of different things and one of them will be of use. And it's going to be insulting, but you'll take it. Yeah, exactly. Because, like, you know, we laugh, but in many ways he's right. Any child he fathered would be a nightmare. Some of the ones he did father are nightmares. Legion, Prometheus.

He hasn't got a good track record. Enemies though. Sick. Yeah, great enemies for the Ninja Turtles to fight. Oh, they're perfect for him to fight because they're like a lot of animal guys. That's real good. Yeah. A lot of guys with swords.

Yeah. The Morlocks. Go back to the sewers and fight the gross ones. Don't you dare fucking join them because I will fight you. Go and fight your sewer brothers. Oh, that's real dark.

Gambit, go lead them. You know the tunnels. I know you do. I love that because that's their element. Just coming out of all the sewer and just taking out the Morlocks. I don't think they count as enemies, do they? I feel like Professor X isn't a fan.

I feel like he's like, Equal rights for all mutants that, what do you look like? Oh my god. You look like just a man that looks like an elephant. Yes. No, no. None of that shit. That's fucked.

But isn't Storm like their king? Yes, it's one, none of that shit. That's fucked. But isn't Storm like their king? Yes, it's one of my greatest shames. Doesn't she own them? Look, I'm not frankly happy that she's doing it, but I can't stop her. Yes, yes, yes. Klaus is apparently defected for ease, but he's always defected. I'm losing people left and right, but I get people. You have to have a priority and a hill to die on.

And quite frankly, this is a hill I'm prepared to die on. I think the problem with Professor X leading the Ninja Turtles is just that eventually the Ninja Turtles will basically be forgotten by him. There's just so many bigger fish to fry that they'll just become members of the X-Men. Just kick it about the X-Mansion and that's it. But what's good with the Ninja Turtles is that they can be and they are almost as brutal

if not more brutal than Wolverine. Yeah, that's true. So all that kind of the wet work that Xavier gives Wolverine to do, he just now has a whole clandestine group of turtles to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I need this one killed. He's like taller than they are too yeah that's true which is great

100 he's like look listen wolverine i've got the squad for you brutal ninja killing machines impenetrable armor and you're like a foot taller than you know you've got that little man syndrome you're a good. Wolverine, just imagine your confidence. I done fucked up, because Wolverine is the better splinter. Ah, yeah. He's real good.

Because Wolverine's also the kind of guy that could be like, I'm leaving you, Professor X, to go and live in the sewers. And then he goes and lives in the sewers to be like, who am I? And then he meets the Ninja Turtles and he's like, maybe I'm the dad to some turtles. But, like, he's always mentoring teenagers, totally knows ninjutsu, full of, like, hard life lessons. And he's got great mortal enemies. He's, like, an A-plus across the board.

He is because, yeah, you're right. Like, think of all the people he's taken great mortal enemies. He's like an A-plus across the board. He is because, yeah, you're right. Like, think of all the people he's taken under his wing. You know, he's like Jubilee, Kitty Pryde. I don't know if he's great on that father. Like, his wisdom's good, but I can just imagine him being like, hey, you know, dad? Do they call him dad? Maybe they shouldn't.

Hey, Wolverine, you know, there are no other turtle women. They'd call him Master Logan or something. you know, there are no other turtle women. They'd call him Master Logan. Oh, yeah, true. Master Logan, there are no other turtle women, and he's gonna be like, love leads to pain. Master James. That's weird that that's his first name. Yeah, I reckon

Wolverine. Ah, yeah. A's all the way down. Yeah, I guess. I guess, yeah, no, he's good, but he's also got, like, shit to take care of. And I think he's guess. Yeah, no, he's good. But he's also got, like, shit to take care of. And I think he's dead. Yeah, that's a problem. Although old man Logan's kicking around. And that's the perfect kind of, like, mentor for these teenage mutant tortoises.

You know, yeah, like, you know, young Wolverine, he's still got things to prove. But old man Wolverine's just scores to settle. Old man Logan, well, fuck. And would totally wear a kimono and hang out in the store yeah he would not be afraid to in fact i think he'd kind of like it he would love it and with old man logan being like i'm from a future that's horrible and where the all the hulk's children ate my babies yeah so we're gonna kill a lot of people and I feel the turtles would be like, yeah, all right. Well, the Ninja Turtles, before they grow up, are basically blank slates. So if Wolverine gets them and he's like, hey, Bob, we're going to kill everyone, the Ninja Turtles would just be like, yeah, all right. Cowabunga, man.

First graphic novel, they kill the shit out of Shredder. Oh, yeah, it's graphic. That's the first thing they do. Yeah, that's like, who's the enemy? This one? We got it. Old man Logan, these are the people. yeah, it's graphic. That's the first thing they do. Who's the enemy? This one? We got it. Old man Logan, these are the people. We got it. Sweet. Great. And with Wolverine's connections,

you might have a sweet sword, but let's just coat that in adamantium. True. Does Wolverine just have access to adamantium? I feel he would know someone that would know someone. Lick a fire finger, whatever. Chop it off and be like, there's adamantium in this shit. Oi! Magneto, you owe me. Hey.

You tore this out of my fucking bones. When Wolverine had adamantium, could he heal? Yeah. But what if I chopped off his hand? Yeah. Surely that would grow back without adamantium. Yeah, I guess that happened. Okay.

That did happen in the Age of Apocalypse storyline. Yeah. Cyclops blew off his hand. No, it was cut off with a special sword That happened. Okay. Like, that did happen in, like, the Age of Apocalypse storyline. Yeah. Cyclops blew off his hand. No, it was cut off with a special sword or something. Okay. Just because I'm like... And it didn't grow back. If you wanted to be like, oh, I've got no Adam and Eve, just chop off your body parts bit by bit.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Just something that I go to. Yeah, you know what? Now that I think about it, there's not that much difference between Splinter and charles xavier like they're both raising child armies to fight their own personal vendettas they're not good they're both kind of crazy as well master splinter's like i'm a rat you got rat break i'm a rat teaching you kung fu i'm either a rat with the

bipedal body of a man and somehow kung Fu, or I'm a man who's been put in the body of a hideous mutant rat. That means I knew what it was like to live the good life. And now I'm a rat man. But either way, I've trained these children to kill. And not for their own reasons, but for mine. For mine.

They will never question it, because they will never think to. But they should. That's fine. I reckon Wolverine's good. Wolverine is. A is all the way down. Xavier kind of fails in that mentor father figure. Yeah.

Any part where Xavier's going to be like a reasonable human won't fall so far. All right. Jack? Okay. So Chuds. All right. So what are we giving Xavier for mortal enemies?

Oh, Xavier mortal enemies? Before we move on. I reckon a B. Yeah, I call it a B giving Xavier for mortal enemies? Oh, Xavier mortal enemies? Before we move on. I reckon a B. Yeah, I call it a B. He's got quite a few, you know, but he doesn't have, like, the right kind. Yeah. I call it a B.

Yeah, I call it a B. All right, what's yours, Jack? Chuds. Chuds. Chuds. What the fuck is a chud? Cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. What?

Chuds from the movie Chuds. Where the sewers are full of chuds, and they're like sewer men, and they're a real problem because they're eating surface dwellers. But I'm just thinking, who knows the sewer better than chuds? So is it one chud or a singular chud? There's several chuds.

So they're being raised by the chuds. They're being raised by the chuds. Not one chud or a singular chud? There's several chuds So they're being raised by the chuds They're being raised by the chuds Not a chud No, the chuds A family of chuds, I suppose I don't really know what a chud is But my very first problem is the C in chud Uh-huh

Yeah Why? Cannibalistic That starts with a C? That's my problem Oh, yeah Not that it starts with a C. That's my problem. Oh, yeah. Not that it starts with a C. Well, look.

Just that they're cannibals now. Look, the Ninja Turtles aren't humans. They're in no danger of being eaten. Humanoid. Humanoid. Yeah. They'll eat them. No, again, I think you're both taking away the problem I have with this.

A cannibal, you're not a cannibal the problem I have with this A cannibal You're not a cannibal if you eat something that's humanoid It has to be another one of you Whatever you are Yeah but they're humanoid That'd just be a meal It wouldn't be cannibalistic It'd just be like oh they ate those guys

It's like if I eat a monkey It's not cannibalistic I'm not saying it is or isn't I'm saying the problem is now that you're raising the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as Teenage Mutant Cannibalistic Tortoises. Teenage Mutant Chud Turtles. Because now they're cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. They're still chuds. So they're TMCHUDTs?

Yeah. Teenage mutant cannibal humanistic underground turtles. I feel really bad for April O'Neil and Casey Jones. They're gonna get etched in this Saturday morning cartoon.

To be honest, I'm getting hung up because cannibalistics don't necessarily make a good hero, but hey, we never said turtles had to be heroes. Yeah, we're just looking for a better master splinter. They are grotesque monsters. At the core of it, the ninja turtles, like I said, they're a blank slate. Yeah. So they just need, could be anyone.

How are chuds good at kung fu? Or at least basic fighting? They manage to capture and eat a lot of human beings. And you don't become a good predator without learning a few moves. I feel like they're using numbers, Jack. I think it's like a zombie scenario. Also, okay, I look at a lion. Yeah.

A bunch of lionesses. Wait, no, they used tactics. Now, they're pretty bad example because they're good. All right. Ants. An owl. Okay. A powerful owl.

Yep. I don't look at a powerful owl, swoop down, grab a mouse. I'm like, fuck, look at his moves. They are good. That's a good move, though. Imagine if you had a lover owl. No, they do have good moves. I think it's a zombie scenario. I think that's what we're looking at if you know they do have good moves i i i think it's i

think it's a zombie scenario i think that's what we're looking at because there are a lot of them yeah and like no one zombie is good at fighting but they catch you because you let your guard down or there are too many or they come from where you don't expect imagine this you're trapped in like a service station right there's zombies everywhere you're like freaking out you're like maybe we'll get out of this then the door busts open and a giant mutant turtle busts through that zombie horde is gonna do better than just a regular zombie horde you know you just slide him into the horde so i guess he's like that one it's like a zombie horde horde led by a sentient turtle. Yeah. He's going to do better.

I guess I flipped it around. Put the turtles in charge. Yeah. I think the problem here, too, is that I don't know enough about chuds. So the moves of the chuds are basically wait until someone's near a manhole, slide the manhole open, clamber out, catch the person, take them into the manhole, eat them in the sewers. It's like a trapdoor spider. Yeah. Imagine the Ninja Turtles

new trapdoor spider techniques. All they gotta do is wait for the foot to be running across the trapdoor. All four of them jump out at once, grab some foot members, take them in, eat them. That's a move. It's less kung fu. You bring up an excellent point by accident. Yeah.

Yes, I sure do. It's less kung fu. You bring up an excellent point by accident. Yes, I sure do. It's less kung fu. I know this isn't a kung fu thing. We keep saying kung fu, but this is ninjutsu. I know this isn't a ninjutsu slash kung fu thing, but you bring up the point that the chuds don't have good mortal enemies. Yeah, wrong again, my good friend, because their mortal enemy is humanity.

The greatest mortal enemy there is. You're not wrong. There's a lot of us. There's heaps of us, and we're in never-ending supply. So the Ninja Turtles are going to be using their moves for eternity, attempting to capture us surface dwellers, take us below the surface and eat them. Okay. Well, then we're a terrible enemy for them because they can never win.

Yeah, look, that's true. But they don't need to. All they need to do is eat the occasion. It's like Batman fighting crime. Yeah. No, it's a never-ending cycle. Exactly. Because otherwise, if he, you know, destroyed and won against all crime,

he'd grow fat and soft. Exactly. So he needs to be hardened to keep going, and humanity just keeps going. No! No, it's not the same as that at all, because Batman could show up somewhere where people are going to commit a crime

and just be there, and they're like, oh shit, it's the bat, and then they run. But the Ninja Turtles can't go to every bedroom where a couple's about to fuck and make sure they don't conceive to stop humanity from happening. It doesn't work that way. Are you telling me that you wouldn't leave a city that had a chud problem?

I mean, I would. I'd be terrified of every day getting up and being like, I might get eaten by a big turtle, man. That's so scary. Especially when Donatello and the rest wear that hat and the overcoat. being like, I might get eaten by a big turtle man. That's so scary. Especially when Donatello and the rest, they wear that hat and the overcoat. Oh, terrifying.

Imagine that. Imagine you're taking a piss in an alley, right? And you turn around and it looks like just a real fat guy in an overcoat with a fedora. You're like, what's going on? Then he takes it off and he's a giant turtle man. With no beak coming to eat you. Yeah, these are not ninja turtles that are carrying their weapons or that have zoro masks they're just terrifying turtle mutant man

you're like what is it before it eats i know what to do what have i gotta do because you you you're safe because every if this is happening in a city, what does every city have like a fucking hundred of? Rats. Pizzerias. That's true. And the first time they're out there in their trench coat and hat waiting to eat, like my slightly drunken ass stumbling home from the bar, they're going to smell the pizza coming out of Delenio's and just be like,

Wait, what? And that's it you're right one taste of pepperoni pizza and they're like oh my god why have we been eating raw human flesh if if the choice is yeah raw whole guy or sweet delicious pizza or have we just created a bigger problem? And they're going to make pizzas out of us. Gigantic sewer filled, no, gigantic sewer wood fire-ups. It's going to be the terrifying problem. You're going to be grabbed by these like teenage mutant ninja chuds. They're going to drag you down. There's going to be several cows that are there that they're constantly milking for cheese.

You're going to see people being hung up to dry like fucking salami and being like, what have I entered? And mushrooms grow perfectly in sewers. That's true. And now all the chuds have big curly mustaches and there are checkercl cloth tablecloths on everything Imagine getting We just made little Italy But underground

Little low Italy Imagine getting strapped to like a big pizza Like splayed out Like spread eagled And then slid into an oven Covered in cheese Oh my god you'd be like getting burnt But then the cheese would be melting

And you'd be getting sc burnt, but then the cheese would be melting and you'd be getting scal- Ah, no, thank you. You created monsters. But is it effective? Well, Kung Fu, I'll give you that. Yes! They learn a technique. Yep.

Enemies is humans. I'll give you that. That's pretty good. Hello, mentorship and father figures. Ah, no. Let's take a one there you go how good are chuds at raising teenagers well there are a lot of chuds which means they're doing something right yeah but if that mean like if there's ants are ants good at raising teens i'd say so no

well yes they're very good ants are very good But I would go out as far as to say that if chuds were any good at fathering teens, they wouldn't grow up to be chuds. Yeah, I guess that's a good point. You can't. But they're probably good at raising the Ninja Turtles to be chuds. I'm going to fight you every step of the way, Bailey. As you should. I will win with charts no i reckon as if i again could you imagine fatherly wisdom a humanity like hey i'm having these weird feelings

you know that uh reporter that we dragged down last week and we ate her look it was kind of before we ate her i was having these real feelings like deep in like where my heart no feeling only chad like i know you say that but i i feel this like this urge like like love or something like that uh uh hey jackson i got a question yes can chuds talk Look No But the Ninja Turtles probably couldn't either Until they were taught So they don't know that they have not been taught to talk Well neither could you until you were taught

Exactly But if I've been raised by Chuds I just never speak You just speak Chudian I just talk Chud So the Ninja Turtles They could speakud so the ninja turtles they could speak but they never knew that they could speak so they don't speak that's some real so they're not gonna learn any any wisdom from their mentor is what i'm what i'm getting here is being taught

how to eat a human being wise wait wait wait one question. Do you get the wisdom from eating people's brains? Science is unclear. Science is still No, it isn't! It's still one of the greatest scientific mysteries of our day because ethically we can't guess. No, it isn't!

You don't get wisdom from eating people's brain. You get mad cow disease. That's the start of wisdom. That's what it looks like. They say all great geniuses look a little bit mad. Exactly. You're sending me full Adam on this one. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. Two A's and two F's. I'll cop two A's and two F's. Come up. You know, that's split down the middle.

That's pretty good. I'll give you a D on fathering tea. Yeah! Woo! But wisdom's a solid F. I'll take that D, don't you worry. All right, all right, all right, all right. Cool.

All right, so what do we give them on kung fu? We'll give them A. A, A, F, D is what I ended up with. A for the kung fu.'ll give them we'll give them a a f d is what i ended up a the kung fu a d on family values uh f on mentorship uh-huh but an a on enemy yeah that's pretty good i'm happy with it i did well with chad's i'll say it i hate that that got two a's i really hate it i know you're actually doing better than Optimus. Oh, yes! I'm squeaking

ahead of Optimus with a C+, where you've got a C. But otherwise, those two are a dead heat, Zamet. With Optimus Prime. Who'll be crowned winner? That's what I'm excited to find out. I think I've got a better option.

Optimus, he's got some problems. He's a giant truck. He's a big truck. He can't fit in the sewers. However, you know what can fit in the sewers? What's that? A man. You know the best kind of man?

The man from the swinging 70s or 60s. Austin Powers. What? Shagadelic. Shagadelic, baby. Okay. I'm going to let you know right out of the gate, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle on this one.

All right. And we just went through chuds, so. My goal is to be better than chud right now. Well, we'll see. Because I can't even imagine him going down in the sewers, Austin Powers. He doesn't want to get his. April's down there. He's there.

Oh, that's true. He does love the ladies Busty redhead Or Or Venus de Milo Or whatever Oh that's true The lady turtle

If we can slip her in I feel Austin wants to slip into her He's the kind of guy that would love to I love to experiment baby Yeah Yeah I'll sleep with this Turtle woman

Why not Shagadelic What penis is I used to Not mine you say Alright I'll just get a Swedish penis Pump and make it bigger Shagadelic

You guys I don't feel good about this but Let's soldier on So Kung Fu He does know Judo chop The best move Kung Fu. He does know... Judo chop! The best move in the game. He does know martial arts. He does know martial arts.

He's not quite ninjutsu, but he does know martial arts. It's effective. Yeah. He goes up, judo chop, and they're down. That's all you need to know. Plus, you know, Austin Powers has a tiny, weak human hand. The Ninja Turtles' fists are like meaty clubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Plus, they'll have the whole backing of, like, the British government. Yeah, that's true. Do you think, though, if Austin Powers... Wait a minute. Yeah? So you're saying he's taking them out of the sewers to, like, MI5 or whatever, and they're making British turtle

agents out of them? Well, I think if Xavier can drag them kicking and screaming out of the sewers, yes. Yeah, I guess fair. Basil would love the turtles. Shit, Sam. Look me in the eye and tell me that Basil would not love those turtles. He would love them.

They're such bright young men. Yeah, exactly. They'd be so eager to help out the crown. They couldn't make them sick outfits, though, because their bodies are deformed. All you could do is you could paint a Union Jack on that shell. Oh, that's awesome.

And you just take Mikey's devil-may-care attitude and you make that guy British. Yeah. What you've essentially got is... You adopt him early enough. Oh, my God,ish accents across the board yeah you've got reptilian mutant the beatles yes you do oh my god and you just yeah let them all learn a musical instrument right they play they're a band now so like in between as it transitions from scene to scene in their adventures, it just cuts to them doing a little musical sting,

all of them on their instrument. And you know April and Casey Jones are going to be in go-go boots and everything, dancing. I do like it because it's taken any violence that the Ninja Turtle series had and replaced it with just groovy music. That's right. That's just like the 80s cartoon, though, because they never used their weapons in that either. They were goofballs.

That's a good point. Imagine them driving the car. Would you name... Their names were given to them by Master Splinter. So would you name them after the Beatles? Austin would name them

to do something to do with the 60s. No, I'm with Jack. I think they'd be John, Paul, George, and Ringo. Yeah, they'd either be named after the Beatles or something like famous kind of artists around that time. One might be called Warhol. So, look, good at, you know, because I've been thinking about it, good at martial arts, definitely. Wait, we're saying definitely for judo chop.

I'm just, I'm not giving that better than a B, and I'm putting my foot down. All right. I don't know, if we can give, like, a spider technique of, like, waiting in a sewer and grabbing humanity an A, and a very effective judo chop with the power of a turtle fist. Gotta be an A. Let's call it a B+.

I'll accept B+. I'll accept a B+. But, fatherly wisdom, I feel like Austin Powers isn't ready to be a dad. No, he's certainly not. Essentially not by Austin Powers, like the first one. But by Goldmember. Yeah, I guess by Goldmember. He is ready to be a dad. He's mature. He's basically deading his own dad the first one. But by gold member. Yeah, I guess by gold member.

He is ready to be a dad. He's mature. He's basically dadding his own dad in that one. Yeah. But it's good because it means he works through shit, you know, to come out the other side like, all right, I'm ready to be a father. He learns about where he came from. He grows.

He evolves. Yeah. It's not a very stable home, though, is it? It's not a very stable home, though, is it? It's not a very stable home, yes, but what home is? Certainly not the chud. And he's got, he's definitely got, like, dad-level jokes. Yeah, absolutely. He does have dad-level jokes, and plus he's going to help, like,

look how far those turtles went with April O'Neil. Not very, but with Austin's help. That's true. Austin's an excellent wingman. Like, every father we've had, the turtles have come to them with the problem of, like, I'm the only member of my species. I want to have sex with a turtle woman.

And Austin's like, don't worry, baby. It's all good. That's true. And imagine the sweet 60s drugs he's gonna give them He doesn't know their physiology He doesn't know what giving a turtle acid will do I feel like they could probably do a lot more drugs than we could Because reptiles have a slower metabolism

Does that just mean it would hit later? Like on a mission? Or it'd be like maybe a cheaper drunk. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it'd last longer. Lucky them. So I reckon fatherly figure, Austin's pretty good. Especially if he calls up, you know, his dad.

Or Basil and was like, I've got a problem. Yeah. Help us out. Give us a spot of help. Yeah. I just feel like he's a better friend than dad. And isn't the best dad a good friend? Where's the discipline coming from?

No! Jack, you were never disciplined as a child. Look how I turned out! And imagine four of them but big turtles. You don't want that! Nobody wants that! Yeah, look, discipline's not going to be great.

Yeah. But that's what the grandfather is for. Yeah, I suppose. I suppose. If Basil or... Look, it takes a village to raise a child. No, but their grandfather is... Michael Caine, yeah?

Michael Caine is the grandfather, right? Yeah, that doesn't work. At least, who's your son? There's no way that character isn't a stone cold hardline racist. No, he only hates two things, Ralph. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures. And the Dutch. You got me dead to rights.

So he's a good man. You know what it is? He looks a lot like my living grandpa. Not my grandpa Ralph, but the one who's still alive and is never going to hear this. So I feel comfortable talking about it. But yeah, he is. And looks. He doesn't like watching sports because of the color of people that play them, even though he loves watching sports.

That's fucked. What if? The turtles, yes, they may be green, but they're not the Dutch. Yeah, look, that's true. And it seems like every other race... I don't even think they have turtles in Denmark. Exactly. Exactly.

They'll be accepted with open arms. All right, so discipline, good. You got a B plus on your... So, you know, family figure. I'll give it an A. I'll give it an A. Maybe an A minus. I'll accept an A minus. I'll give it an A. Maybe an A-. I'll accept an A-.

Mentorship. Mate. Mate. Who's the best mentor? But, like, the spy who shagged me. I feel like he's maybe- Literally almost any. Fair. Fair.

I'll accept that. He's too loose. He's too groovy. You know? He's not going to be there all the time. He's's not gonna be there all the time he's not gonna be there all the time that's his ab but his mentorship is down at the bottom with like the fortunes on bazooka joe comics and donald trump he's gonna tell all kinds of wrong while he wasn't like you know well his dad wasn't there for him when he was raised, I feel,

by the third one, he's learnt this lesson and he might try and be a good mentor. The fact that Austin Powers... He was a good mentor to, um, uh, uh, Beyonce.

I'll say Foxy. Yeah, Foxy... Something? Foxy Cleopatra? Foxy Cleopatra. Pretty good mentor and as well to Heather Gray. Yeah.

Yeah, it's very frustrating. Like, granted, he wanted to fuck both of those people, but... You know he's not going to want to fuck the turtles. Oh, he's not going to have sex with those turtles, is he? I mean... Well, we don't know. We don't know. He's a straight-up sexual being, Ralph, so, like, maybe.

And those turtles might have some mojo he hasn't thought about, so it might be like a, oh... But they're kids. Teenagers. They're turtles. Teenagers. 18 is still a teen. Yeah, look, we don't know the age of the turtles.

Plus, they're turtles, so their lifespan's super short, right? No, their lifespans are really long. In fact, they mature slower because they're turtles. So, like, 18 is probably human 10. Ah, shit. God damn it. I forgot about aging. I mean, I'm happy because I don't like Austin Powers as a dad.

You guys, we're being seduced by, like, charming, funny arguments instead of taking, like, a real serious analytical oh i forgot we're doing plumbing the desk okay look all right all right i'm pretty sure awesome powers has an age limit yeah yeah pretty sure he's not gonna try and sleep with the turtles yeah you know and and i'm sure unless you're of age yeah then honestly it's anyone's game. But like Austin Powers actually seems like a good person at his core. That's the, you know, he's not like a bad bloke. He's not gonna eat humanity.

He just doesn't realise that we're not people. He's gonna drag humanity into the sewers and cook them like a pizza. Don't even worry about that. You gotta skew your idea of morality. You know. As a mentor. A. A. A? your idea of morality, you know. I feel, as a mentor, B?

B? A? A? A? Yeah, I might have to say A. That's very frustrating. What?

What? Definitely. What would you say, Ralph? B. Alright, I'll cut the difference and make it...

I want to go way lower than that. As a mentor, I just don't... Look, I'll accept a B. All right. I'll accept a B. B will do you. All right, all right. Now, I don't want to be the party pooper.

You guys both said A. How do we feel about B plus? All right, B plus. B plus sounds good. All right, all right. Enemies. Dr. Evil. Yeah.

Doesn't turn out to be his enemy. Turns out to be his brother. So no enemies. So no enemies. Or... But isn't that bad? But then you've got, you know, Scott. Yeah, that's true.

Who's then also evil. And then you've also got the fat bastard. And fat bastard may try to eat him. Fat bastard's not an enemy anymore either. Yeah, that's true. And Scott went on to be the voice of Leonardo in one of the cartoons. They already know each other. Ah.

Ah. But look, let's be honest They'll be fighting the enemies of the crown Yeah, that's true And I think, what is more frightening If you're an enemy of the crown Than a giant turtle man with a Union Jack on the back I keep forgetting that they're going to be British now

That's really good It's very solid The idea of them coming in being like Cowabunga! And then they land and fight like i don't know nice a leonardo who are these miscreants roughing up our mallory diamond i don't know but i do suspect that it's tea time and we're serving nunchucks ah and again you look at the aesthetic like the coats and everything that works so much better in london than a sewer it does imagine like

a donatello kicking in a door just stirring a cup of tea right here chaps what seems to be the go here have they replaced pizza with tea in the situation one can only assume yeah okay what's a brit or spotted dick heaven helped them the day they taste their first american pizza though oh they're gonna be like i feel like i should have been raised up on the But they've grown up on the gross cuisine of the British. Yeah, that's true. They might be like, oh, this is awful. Oh, terrible. Give me beans.

Where's the beans on this? No, thank you. Give me a hard-boiled potato any day of the week. That's a wholesome meal. Yes, yes. Did you just salt that water? No, thank you. Don't suppose you've got any soft-boiled cauliflower in Marmite, have you?

That is what we are enjoying. Don't suppose we'll have a bar now, boiled in aspic, do we? Fresh fruit? No, thank you. I'm good. Live eels. Right in that bin. Wriggling inside an old pie.

Right in that bin. Wriggling inside an old pie. I want you to get a pie, shove in as many blackbirds as you can. Do not pluck the feathers. Yes, not what we're looking for. Put that in the oven. That is as many blackbirds as hours in a day. What have you got there?

A score and four? Perfect. Absolutely what I was looking for. Good, good. Yes. So I think they would almost hate pizza. Thank you. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, man.

One, like, one bite of a New York pizza is going to transform them from, like, the posh perfect green Kingsman into full-on sewer-surfing cowabunga. Yeah, you're right. I think you're right. Yeah, so you just keep them away from America. You know, then you should. It's going to be like Monterey Jack from Rescue Rangers whenever he smells cheese. Yeah, he's like, no, we can just be like, oh, shit, oh, shit.

Get them out of there. All right, so look, enemies. That's probably like an A as well. It's definitely an A. Enemies of the Crown is the best enemies. Imagine him fighting all of Bond's villains. Imagine Jaws going up against the Turtles.

Imagine fucking Blofield being like, I'm a shit man in a wheelchair. Oh my god, giant turtle man. As they slap him in his gob. Because every Bond villain or any enemy of the Crown whatsoever saying saying oh my god giant turtle man yeah it's great and they go to shoot or they go all the turtles are going to do

is like turn their back bing bing yeah bulletproof are they bulletproof in my mind they are yeah yeah look let's just say yes what did you end up with i'm scared because i think it's a lot of all right two like two b pluses and a and an a minus mate so i i think i can't tell if the chuds are at the bottom or not because i got two a's but they got a d and an f whereas optimus and professor x are more or less tied yeah look i'd like to think the chuds are pretty high up but i don't know i know you'd like to think that but they're they're fucking not yeah austin powers is higher than any of those three but look so if any of you straight a's down the line yeah is wolverine oh yeah we forgot about wolvie yeah wolvie so i guess if any of you dickheads can beat wolverine i think we have our perfect mental yeah i think wolverine like because we like to think you know austin powers you, we were saying some great things about the Chuds,

but I think... You're going to slip that in there? Yeah. No, we weren't! You're going to slip it in there? Everyone was quite on Team Chud. I remember everybody saying some really choice things about them, but I think at the end of the day, Wolverine is just...

Fake news! He's just the best one, you know, and none of us chose him. We all really chose him I think the ideal pairing Is the supportive Stable long term Gay relationship Of Wolverine and Austin Powers Oh yeah absolutely You get the sweetness

Love like Wolverine training him And the Britishness of Austin Powers And you get that love and that affection From Austin but you know that love and that affection from austin but you know that stern discipline from wolverine yeah you know oh and what if they turn wolverine british too i'm the best i am at what i do bob and what i do is perfectly precise time every single day my nipples got so hard just talking about that.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And unfortunately, I've been Ralph. Happy mentoring, everybody. Yeah, you can say happy mentoring day. Cowabunga. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter,

you can find us at Sandspance Radio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsAreDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspanceRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps.

And if you want to support us, head to SandspancePlus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.