Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Doctor Would Make the Best GP? (LIVE)

Episode Date: May 21, 2017

In which our heroes become sick, decide to seek medical attention, and get treated by someone without their medical license as we ask which fictional doctor would make the best GP?Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Pants Sans Radio. Backwardsness is waywardsness. Hey everyone, I'm a little bit sick so I'm just going to do this and then I'm going to go to bed. So, Enya presents Plumbing the Death Star UK Tour with Adam News. Our Birmingham, Manchester and Edinburgh shows have all been announced. Just head to sanspantsradio.com slash live to purchase your tickets. Bristol has sold out and so has all three nights of our Edinburgh shows, but if you're wanting to come, just put your name up on the waiting list. We're in the midst of trying to find a bigger venue for at least the Friday Edinburgh show.

As of this recording, we've sold 70% of both our Birmingham and Manchester shows, so better get in quick if you want to see our beautiful, handsome faces. We're still waiting on a couple of things before we can announce our London and Belfast shows, so follow us on Facebook and Twitter for the most up-to-date information. As for other places, nothing is set in stone, but we are looking at Exeter, Cardiff and Nottingham, and then that's it. And if you're wondering why Adam is coming, let's just say he's also bringing an extra set of luggage for all his D&D books. Oh, and this episode is also available to watch

on our YouTube channel, SansPantsCinemaScope. So head over there and you can see our handsome faces for yourself. Let's move this tape. What? No, it's fine. What do you want to do? There's so much stuff on it. Just don't bother.

Oh, Jesus. I could move back. I'm fine where I am, frankly. I don't know. Hello, Goose? Are we good? You don't know what's going on. God knows what's going on.

All right. Okay, I'll scoot back. It's fine. It's fine it's a hush a hush over the audience hey every was this is this on edgar's god damn it this one's on talk shout hey everyone all right let's start with like let's just be real unprofessional at the start mic check one one one that's me that's me hello one one one That's me. One, one, one, one. That's me. I feel like he's copying now. Yeah, I mean, this is me. Yeah, this is me, Edgar. You're doing it!

You did! Fuck yeah. Alright. Alright, now. Now that that's out of the way, can everyone hear us? Sick. Ems at the merch desk, can you hear us? If you can hear us, then probably everyone can. Sick. That kiss probably means yes. Also sorry.

Same name, we get confused. It's fine. Alright, now with all of that out of the way, hey everyone, and welcome to Plumbing the Death Star Movie Maintenance Live Show! Woo! Thank you so much for coming. It's really good to see some,

well, so many of you here. More than we had chairs for. Apologies all around. Hopefully this will be good for your quads. If everyone could just squat. That'd be real good. Think of it as a workout. That's nice.

Let's just jump straight into it. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's very special live edition of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which fictional doctor would make the best GP? Straight off the bat, I'm going to choose Doc Ock. Well, before we dive in, we should decide what makes a good GP. Yeah, right.

Because I don't want to be just flinging willy-nilly doctor theories. Let's get some ideas. So what are the categories of being a good doctor? What does it take to be a good doctor? Bedside manner. You don't want a rude man next to you. Yeah. Oh, I chose doctor.

You're going to be like, what, you're dying? That's what I was expecting. You shouldn't go to a GP if you're dying. All right, so bedside manner is pretty good, at least just being friendly. Just competence. Competence. That's important.

I probably should have started with that one. Yeah. Ethics. Ethics. You know, you want a good doctor. Yeah, absolutely. You don't want to be like, hey, doc, I've got a little bit chest.

Can I get a certificate? And you'd be like, yeah, whatever. You want them to give you a thorough. You don't want your doctor's first solution to be an experimental surgery, basically. See, I'm... I'm regretting picking Doc Ock. I got a cough, and he's like,

well, why don't we just cut your head off? Put a dog's head on. Might work, though. You've got bigger problems, then, than your cough. So, yeah, those are probably three good categories to start with. Not too many. You've already said Doc Ock. Handwriting. Handwriting.

It's got to be legible. Opposite direction. It has to be very illegible. If I have a doctor and he gives me a script that I can read, I'm going to be sus. Like, I'm like, ah, did you go to med school? I can read what I'm getting. be sus. Like, I'm like, ah, did you go to med school? You're not a doctor.

I can read what I'm getting. So the more illegible the handwriting, the better the doctor's going to be. And the ethics need to be bang in the middle. You don't want too good ethics. I don't want to go to a doctor and be like, look, doc, I'm a bit sick. I need a medical certificate. I'm not sick. And them to be like, well, you're not getting a certificate. That's against my ethics. That's on you for telling the doctor you weren't sick.

I'm not sick. I just hate work. What? Don't tell me that. Don't tell my employers. Why have you written that on my medical certificate? Not sick. Just hates you. Fire this man. They give me a resignation letter instead. That's harsh.

Dr. Octopus. Why was he a doctor of other than octopus? Science? He he a doctor of, other than octopus? Science? He was a doctor of science. Theoretical physics? Energy. He had a doctorate, presumably.

He was making an energy thing. Okay. Sure. All right. So we'll go through it in the order that we said it. So, bedside manner. He's a villain. Yes.

Which insinuates bad person. He's a villain. Yes. Which insinuates bad person. He is very arrogant. Like, he knows what's going on. He's kind of like that Dr. House kind of situation where he'd be like... Instead of a walking stick, he's got four of its counter-glock-to-cursor arms. Which is terrifying.

More of the same, really. And a pill addiction. So, would he... I guess this isn't bedside manner, which is where we were going. Yeah, but yeah, yeah. I was just thinking with the arms, does he have the finesse to perform surgery with them?

Yes, I want to say yes. We probably should have said dexterity. Wait, GPs don't do surgery? Ah, that's true. Emergency surgery. Someone comes in and is like, I've done something done something and he's like I know what to do Then he's got forearms Actually when I was young and I fell out a window

First thing we did was go to the GP I'd just like to point out that literally no one reacted to that story Because no one was surprised Yeah Jackson fell out a window That makes sense It's not my parents more than me though Take me to the hospital I was bleeding a lot.

But if you are sick... Oh, I got a scar. Is this the right arm? Is the scar there? Good, just checking. But if you are sick, your first port of call is the GP, and if something is wrong there, like, oh shit, your appendix is about to burst,

which is, that happens, yeah? It blows up, explodes? Yeah, that happens, but the GP isn't going shit, your appendix is about to burst. Which is, that happens, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It blows up, explodes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That happens, but the GP isn't going to remove your appendix. What if it's like real life or death? What if you're like, I need an emergency tracheotomy because of some reason I went to the waiting surgery.

I'm like, ow! My dad once got a pen lid stuck in his throat. Props to dad over there. He was whistling when he breathed. I think they went to the GP first who was then like, go to the... Is that correct? Well... Huh?

I can't believe these guys. I'm not believing you. Did you just will away a penalty? I tried to. Cassie York was there. I don't know. I don't know. Did you just will-a-way a penalty? Did the GP remove it or did you go to the hospital? No, the hospital. However, if Doc Ock was, he could get his arm and just like down the throat and just... His arm's very thick, Sam.

Yes. Anyway, bedside manner, bedside manner. He's crazy. And rude. He is crazy. And rude. He might think you're Spider-Man and try and get you. I don't think he'd care. I think he'd be more worried about catching Spider-Man than... Are you Spider-Man?

Alright, let's go with a... So, not great. Not great. Not great, great, excellent. Those are the three. So, bedside table. Not great. Alright.

What was the next one? General competence? Ethics. No, no, no. Ethics was third. Pay attention. You're forgiven this time, random voice in the audience. All right. So competency.

He's pretty smart. He's not incompetent. He gave himself metal arms. That's amazing. But his go-to move is to give himself metal arms. You have a cold. I have more arms. So when he ended up possessing the body of Peter Parker comics,

the first thing he did was design something which is basically like more octopus arms for him. So I think that might be his go-to. So if you come in and be like, Doc, I've broken my arm, he might be like, I got a solution. And then you got all that. Now that's good.

Is it bad? If I go in and I'm like, I've got a lot of hair, and he's like, what if... Would four octopus arms help? Deal. Done.

Deal. Great. Yeah. I can tool around the city, climb buildings. I think he's pretty competent. Where one doctor in it, I've realised I hate sitting in the middle.

Like, just a lot of this. Anyway, I'm not going to move. Don't worry. Isaac, do you want to switch? No. So I think competency is quite high. I would put that in whatever our middle category was. So great. Great. Not great. Great. Fantastic. No, it wasn't.

Excellent. Pay attention. Perfect. Ten out of ten. Alright, next one would be ethics. Ethics? Well, he put an octopus on the back of himself and his friends. If he was dying and you were like a good test subject that he could move his brain into, I figure he would take that and do that. So you could be dead, but he could be parading your body around.

So not great on the ethics. I'm not super fussed what happens to my body after I die, though. No, you're not dead, though. You're still kind of alive. He's just riddled with cancer. So then you do like a Freaky Friday, and now you're an old man cancer body, and he's up in...

Well, not your healthy body. I think Dushar is going to rightly point out... Doc Ock doesn't want this. No, I was going to rightly point out, you don't seem to care about your alive body either. Doc Ock's like, put me back in the cancer body. This guy's so slow.

Slow and soft, but not a pleasant soft. Soft as an old potato. And I'm always hungry. Why? I'm not always hungry, I just always have a drive to eat. He's full, I know he's full. I just always have a drive to eat. He's full. I know he's full.

I'm going to put more food in him. I think ethics, not great. Not great. Not great. What about handwriting, though? Bad. Awful. That's good, though.

Because it would be a fight over which arm could write. And then it's going to just real mess it up. And it's just going to look like dog shit. Like I said, none of them have the finesse or the dexterity To like hold a pen Perfect And he can write at least five scripts out at once That's true

Five medical certificates, get a whole week off And he's definitely going to write you a medical certificate 100% Especially if you help him fight Spider-Man I'm not doing that He might recruit you to fight Spider-Man I'm not doing that, but I recruit you to fight Spider-Man. I'm not doing that. But...

Which is a... I don't want my GP to help me. Like, if your regular GP was like, hey, I hate this guy across the hall. Can you go and take a shit in his office? I'm not going to be like, will you give me pre-medical certificates? That's a shady deal.

Well, it depends how desperate you want those medical certificates. That's true. Because then, like, maybe. Yeah, for a shit on a desk, no. But if it was like, can you go kick his car? I'd be like, ooh, maybe. Doc Ock is asking for something worse than a shit. He's not like, can you go to Peter Parker's apartment

and just take a meaty shit in his doorstep? He's like, can you kill Spider-Man for me? I just like, an insight into how my brain worked there, I was like, fighting Spider-Man feels better. I don't want to shit on a guy's desk. But, like, fighting Spider-Man feels better. I don't want to shit on a guy's desk. But like, Spider-Man, I know he's a hassle. I've never really understood that as like a prank, taking a shit

somewhere. Well, it's a process. It's not the kind of thing where I can be like, oh, this is an idea. I'll take a shit in his doorstep. I have to wrap yourself up. Yeah. Do you not? Can you just shit wherever? Just not. Yeah, exactly. It's a weird prank. And I'll have no part in it. Is that why they use dog shit, you not? Can you just shit wherever? Just not. Yeah, exactly. It's a weird prank, and I'll have no part in it. Is that why they use dog shit, you idiot?

Not always. There are other pranks that involve human feces. Get hip with the kids, Zamit. You old fuck. I'm very tired. So, Doc Ock's handwriting, not great, which therefore makes it fantastic slash excellent

slash 10 out of 10, depending on what we decided the top one was. So I guess overall, Doc Ock is sitting at a not great. Not great to great, based on his average results. Our system is so flawed. All right, all right. What do you got? Dr. Mario.

Oh! Initially, I'm thinking Dr. Mario is not an actual doctor. He prescribes medication like a real doctor. Well, what he does is he waits until two pills are the same color, and then they disappear. I think that's how Dr. Mario works. Yeah, so there's a virus, and he's like, I'm just going to throw pills into this person

until we get the same color pills That'll wipe out the virus Which I'm pretty sure Is how It's incompetence If I go in He's like Hey Jackson Just to take this

A big jug of pills I'm like Which ones do I take All of them One will be right And one of the colours Will match up He'll be a cured

Throwing everything At the wall And see what sticks approach If that doesn't work We cut you open Have a look in there. See what's going on. I've definitely been to doctors where that has been their approach. Actually, yeah, not fair.

They're like, hmm, that's a weird... I was going to say rash, but I don't know, weird rash. And that's a weird thing to... You don't want to admit to having a weird rash? I don't want to be like, hey, a hundred people, I have a weird rash. I don't. Can you just check this out for me? I'm clean.

Just real quick, hang on. Yeah, I mean... Yeah, no, you're right. You've been to doctors like for me? I'm clean. Just real quick. Hang on. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, no, you're right. You've been to doctors like that, but it still doesn't make him competent. But it doesn't make him incompetent. So I'm happy to go. And maybe he's correct.

Hey, does it work? Yeah. Any side effects? Your four pills. Bedside manner. Mario's a cheery guy. Yeah. But he also seems like he could fly off the handle

at any second. He does have that quiet rage behind his eyes. He's very bouncy. If Mario, if you come in and you're like, I've got a bit of a cough and he's like,

I think it's a cold. And you're like, I don't know. He's like, what? I just, I don't, I think I've got other symptoms. It's a cold. You're just going to leave because you don't want to be bounced on.

Actually, Drackenmire is real smug because he's good at everything. Actually, no, he's fine at everything if we base it on statistics in video games, which is, I guess, I don't know. I was going to say specialty. Yeah, I guess he's fine.

He's like an average. He's like an okay doctor. Yeah, but Bad Side Man is still bouncy and a bit scary. He's that bad. You don't want to lie to him. Keeps you on your toes. I feel Dr. Luigi would be able to process you a little quicker. But he's very incompetent.

No, and also sad. I don't want that. If I'm feeling sick, I don't want to then have to feel bad for a guy. When someone has to give you the news like, hey, you've got cancer, you kind of want, do you want Shiri or do you want Shad? You don't want Mario to be like, I don't want to then have to feel bad for a guy. When someone has to give you the news like, hey, you've got cancer, you kind of want, do you want cheerio or do you want crap? You know what Mario would be like, I guess so what? But you kind of also don't want Luigi to be like,

I guess so what? It's happened. It's me, Luigi. I got us some terrible news. There's way worse. You could eat a six a week. Like, warrior. Warrior? What warrior? You're gonna die. Wah! Cancer decayed! Three to six a week. Like, warrior. Warrior. Warrior. You're going to die.

Wah. Cancer decade. Hey, guess what's going to happen in three to six weeks? Your wife, she's single now. Hey. If when my cancer was diagnosed, it had been by Wario honking my balls. I mean, like, honk, honk. Cancer.

That's great. He's a real big. He shouldn't's great. He's a real big. He shouldn't be, but he's a real big. I feel like that would have been a much more entertaining diagnosis than just, Jackson, I'm sorry. That's true. Although I wouldn't have wanted my actual doctor to give my balls a squeeze and be like, guess what? So bedside manner for Mario.

I know we've just opened it up to all his mates. Well, he's got a lot of mates! That's a bonus! And knowing that Mario turned into a competition. Super Mario medical diagnosis. Well that's kind of good because like One of them's going to get it right. I don't want DK.

No, that's alright. I don't want him bundling my balls with his hands up. He's an ape. He's got ape hair! He's an ape. You can love that. I like the competence has gone from just general competence to, can this person diagnose my testicular cancer properly? No. DK, Jesus.

DK certainly can't. Diddy Kong probably could. Who knows what Diddy Kong's... He carries a weapon. He's got a gun on him at all times. And a jet pack. It's a problem. So, bird's gun on him at all times. And a jetpack. It's a problem. So, bird's eye manner for Mario.

Great. Great. I'd call it great. I'd call it great. Great. Ethics. Wait, did we do competence? That comes after...

Oh my god. No, ethics is third. That's what the person... Pay attention! Fuck! That's what I yelled at the person in the crowd for. Competence. Competence.

The competence of Mario. Well, like we said, he's good at finding everything the person in the crowd for. Competence. All right, competence. The competence of Mario. Well, like we said, he's good, like, fine at everything. And he brings his friends, and they have their strengths and weaknesses, so like... Do you want your doctor being fine? I would take fine over bad. I'd take fine over octopus arms. Here's the thing, though.

Like, I don't know. You know what I mean? Like, if a doctor comes in and is like, Jackson, this, I'm not going to be like, no. I got to accept him. So if Mario's fine, that means the job's done. I guess it's less about confidence and more about confidence. Yeah, exactly.

Is Mario confident? Oh, he's confident. So then I'm like, I do have cancer. Thank you, Mario. Spot on, Mario. Then he bounces out of there and you're good. Don't get a second opinion. Yeah, exactly. See, if I went to Doc Ock. Don't get a second opinion. Yeah, exactly.

See, if I went to Doc Ock, I'd get a second opinion. Yeah, well, yeah. With Mario, you're like, no. I trust him enough. He knows what he's talking about. Yeah. Wario, I'd get a third. I think Wario would probably put you in hospital.

And not in the nice way. I feel every time I went to, like, Dr. Wario, he'd just force a prostate exam. It's a good to check. We did one yesterday. Not always, Wario. Why? I went to Dr. Wario, he'd just force a prostate exam. It's a good to check. We did one yesterday. Not always, Wario. Why? I got a cough. I like that our two illnesses are a gentle cough and ball cancer.

That's good. Well, that's a spectrum, I guess. Maybe your ball got cancer. Maybe your prostate got cancer. Let me get in there. We got to look. Let me get in there. Rightio, so what about ethics for Mario?

He's not unethical. He's just a guy. He's just boring, really. He won't give you a doctor's certificate. No. Well, Dr. Mario in Smash Bros, his basic move is to shoot pills. So I have a feeling he's pretty willy-nilly with that.

That's right. The whole thing was like he just gives you a jug of pills. That's not ethical. That's the opposite. Good. So excellent the opposite. Good. So excellent. No, wait, that could go too far to the bad side. With ethics, you want to be smack in the middle.

Yeah, that's true. Sway either way. He'd be happy to give you pills, but I don't think he'd sign a medical certificate if you're like, oh, I just want a day off from work. Because he's not dealing with your bullshit. That's the thing about Mario. Mario doesn't take a day off. He'd be like, you don't deserve one either. What do you do with your life?

A podcast? I fucking save princesses. Sometimes I do a tennis. Look at me, I'm a doctor now. How do you have that many jobs? Sometimes I have a pawn, Sean. Why? With your friends? And then I have a party. I think it's going to be not great

for Alex. Handwriting, though. Big. So yeah, I think it's going to be not great for anything. Yeah, no, bad-ass. All right, handwriting though. Big gloves. Wait, does he wear gloves? Yeah. Holy fuck, does he? Yeah, the Master Hand is Mario's glove.

No, it's like Mickey Mouse's. Yeah? Yeah. Mario wears gloves. See? Well, fuck. Master Hand's got nothing to do with fucking Mickey. He's got the Mickey Mouse gloves.

It's Mario. Exactly. Why would it be Mickey? This is not the time for the argument. You're wrong. All right. I'll cop it. Yeah, good.

Yeah, he's got a Master Hand and a Crazy Hand. Get the Crazy Hand to write. You're fucked. You're not reading shit. But is gloves easy to write with gloves? I feel gloves are impeding. Not when your hand's doing this. I don't know if that's necessarily happening to him all the time.

Could be. Is that why he's taking all the pills? Because he's shaking a lot? You know why he's not going to be good for handwriting? Because sometimes he throws a fireball. He'll be like, can you write a prescription? Everything, the hospital's burnt down. Also, you'd probably get this weird English-Italian hybrid.

Jacksoner, doesn't the need to go to a worker? And that doesn't seem legitimate to your boss. No, not at all. Technically it's not, so fair enough. I guess someone gave me a medical certificate that was signed by Dr. Mario. And written in an offensive Italian accent. I'd be like, um, no.

I'd be like, yeah, probably just fired, to be honest. So what are we giving Mario overall in our scale we don't remember? Great. I'd put him at great. Put him at great. I think that's fair. I think, yeah. Like, he's average.

Like in his appearance in every video game he's in, he's fine. Yeah. Or, in our scale. One word to describe Mario is just run of the mill. Yeah. He hits par. Dr. Zeus. Oh.

Yeah. Not the guy, because I realise he's just an author, but I'm going to choose, like, Mario brought his mates. Right, gotcha. Not, like, Thunderbolts. Yep. What? No, not Dr. Zeus.

I'm like, when did Zeus get a doctorate? That Greek goat is like, look, I've, you know. Hey, you know what? I think I want to be a doctor. I've been a goat. I've been a horse. I'm going to be a doctor now. I'll be in the golden shower.

Who's going to say no to Zeus? Actually, you know, it's a pretty good ploy for him because like a doctor is a good profession to try and get laid, right? Yeah, I'm a doctor, eh? Not as good as a swan, though. That's true. Swans are very elegant. Well, I mean, it worked out better for him.

Because if you're a swan and you end up having sex with someone, there's no ethical problems there. Not like... Not like legal ethical problems, you know what I mean? Hang on. Can you please just repeat what you said? What I mean is that if a doctor has sex with a person, that's illegal because that's a doctor-patient.

You don't do that. No, if a doctor has sex with their patient, that's a problem. A person, that's fine. But a person has sex with a swan. That's very bad. But the swan is a fella, so there's no issues.

It's all above board because the swan's a guy. No. No, it is not okay. That if I mind jumped into a swan and then made sweet love to someone, that's not okay? That's not okay. That's textbook not okay? That's not okay.

That's textbook not okay. That's like, oh, God. There are so many problems I have with that. First off, how did you communicate with someone to be like, I mind jumped. I'm not just a normal swan. I rode in the mud with my beak. And then you're like, so now that I'm a swan,

I did it all through Morse code honking. The problem there is that they're going to be like, this swan is honking in a weird pattern and someone's going to have that amazing moment where they're like, it's Morse code and he's looking to get laid. But if it was all about board and consensual, it's fine.

No, no, don't. Look, I don't want to take it down this path, but we're here. If an animal could consent, people would still not be happy. But the animal can... I'm not happy. Look, I don't want to have this conversation. You're happy.

You brought it up. There's no way I'm going to win on stage here. You're all going to be against becoming a swan and having sex. Okay, there's a round of applause. Who is fine with this? Yay! Not many. I got like two. That's alright. That's a win.

I think the two people that clapped also just copped a lot of looks from the audience. No one's going to clap. But Dr. Seuss. Dr. Seuss of Cat in the Hat and Thing 1 and Thing 2 fame. Because how fun would it be? He'd be like a performing surgeon.

He pulls out a bicycle. That's great. But that means the bicycle's been in you. Which is less great. That's, in fact, bad. Unless he was doing some sneaky sleight of hand, and if I was doing surgery, I'm theoretically unconscious. Then who's that for?

The nurses? Other doctors? I'm not aware to notice. I don't get The nurses? Other doctors? That's a good point. I'm not aware to notice. I don't get to enjoy this wacky adventure. But imagine this. You come and you're like, I got a little cough. And the doctor's like, well, let me introduce thing one and thing two.

They come out and check your body out. No, because they'd slap you against a wall until the illness comes out. What? Oh, he does do that with a coat or something? A dress, I think. Plus the whole thing might end up being like a metaphor for Hitler. You know, like Yertle the Turtle? Yeah.

You notice this sea of people who aren't agreeing with you? No one knows this. Go off. Yertle the Turtle is a Dr. Seuss story about a turtle that wants to get really high up, so he jumps on top of all the other turtles, makes a turtle tower, and then he falls off the turtle tower, and it's all a metaphor for Hitler. Because Hitler... Hitler wanted to be the top turtle. And then there's another one that's called, like,

the big yakety-you race of birds or something. That's a metaphor for the Cold War. Dr. Seuss was all about that. So your surgery or your diagnosis... I don't want that in my doctor. I don't want every time I go to the GP to be like some metaphor for a historical horrible event. But if you find on the way home...

Then I'll just be like, I'm already feeling down and yes, I know, a lot of people died. Fuck. I get it. I wasn't there. You have cancer. I'm sorry. It's a bit like Hitler.

My challenge... No, it doesn't dare. You have cancer. I'm sorry. It's a bit like Hitler. Much how... No, it doesn't matter. Are you going to be like... No, no, no. Anyway. It's like how Hitler doesn't have a ball. No, no, no. You won't either.

It was going to be like, much how Hitler invaded Poland, cancer has invaded your balls. That's good. And now I've said something I didn't want to say and I hope you're all happy. So, see, the cancer was like a lot of all happy It gives me a historical context for my genitals What's this got to do with bedside man?

Anyway, bedside man Fun, that's what it's got to do It's fun I don't want fun when he's telling me my balls are going to be lopped off And there's nothing fun about like a He'll do a rhyme about my testicles How they're full of cancer He'd be like, you came in With a little cough And now I've got to chop my testicles. How they're full of cancer. He'd be like, you came in with a little

cough and now I gotta chop your testicles off. And I'm like, haha, wait. That's alright. Plus, the scissors that he brings out and have like a candy, they'd be like real goofy. That's not good. Some of the people that

clapped then just uttered oh god under their breath. You won everyone and then lost them. Your GP shouldn't be like, yeah, I got cancer. I'm just going to pull out these ridiculous scissors. Because your GP shouldn't be chopping your balls off and that's not how they do it anyway. Okay, I'm fighting against myself. Bad side manner, not great.

Not great at all. Competency. I don't know why he wouldn't be competent. He just cut your balls off with a giant pair of scissors. He's turning everything into a goof. You're pitching Patch Adams, but worse. Patch Adams is pretty bad.

That's great. Alright, whatever. I suppose he's not competent. It's gone again There it is I guess he's not competent Alright, so I guess laughter fixes a lot of things And having a positive outlook is good

So I guess that's good But like It's not great There we go So competency Let it's not great. There we go. Lord. Here we are. So competency, I don't... Let's say not great. That's fair. Ethics. Ethics!

Why would that be bad? That's probably just going to be like basic level ethics. I mean, like if it's a goof, he'll go for it. So that's a problem. And he was, I guess, like anti-Nazis. Yeah, he was a good guy. Pro. He fought in the war. Yeah.

Oh, wait, was that Roald Dahl? Fact check, anyone? Damn! Fuck! He would... Well, does that mean he deserted? Wait, no, he would... He did fight in the war.

Wait, wasn't he a spy? Yeah. Or was that also Roald Dahl? God damn it! He rode the BFG though, yeah? Willy Wonka was Dr. Zeus, right? The witches. That's Dr. Zeus.

That's not Roald Dahl. Okay. The one about the peach. James and the Giant Peach by Dr. Zeus. Yes. The cat and the hat and the giant peach by Dr. Zeususs. Yes. The Cat in the Hat and the Giant Peach by Dr. Seuss. Right, so ethics, we're giving him... Why are we giving him...

Just because he didn't fight... Because, you know, would his cat come around and hassle you? Well, the Cat in the Hat isn't terribly ethical, but we're talking about Dr. Seuss, the father of the Cat in the Hat. So then he didn't raise that cat well. Yeah. If I gave you a cat, and then in a couple of years

you brought me back the cat and the hat, I'd be like, what have you done? You taught this thing wrong. That's a pretty big fuck-up. If your cat's a bit of a shit and shit's on the or whatever, you're like, ah, this is beyond that. If your cat comes into a house with two children unattended, wrecks the house, brings in thing one and thing two, who are they? What are they about? What else does he do?

He balances shit? Fish on a cane? Yeah. Causes trouble? Yeah. I don't know how this is at all relevant to ethics but I guess these are problems just of the cat in the hat I feel that

it's going to be very busy with these dickheads there's a lot of them there is a lot of them yeah so not great when it comes to ethics is low handwriting though

crazy loopy and all over the shop he'd use a lot of nonsense words to that. Ethics is low. Handwriting, though. Crazy. No, good. He writes all over the shop. He wrote books. He'd use a lot of nonsense words. Gluff. He might make up words for your illness. Just to make it rhyme.

Blancer. Now we're going back to competency and we're lowering it. Jack Diff,iffula Blancer. Bad news, Jack. You've got cancer. All right. So Dr. Seuss, where are we putting him?

Not great. He's scored worse than Doc Ock, which is hard to do. Yep. All right. Not great. All right. What do we got? Got another one?

All right. Yep. So not quite sure what he's a doctor of. Yep. None of these do we know. Going back to the Marvel Universe, Dr. What do we got? Got another one? Alright, yep. So, not quite sure what he's a doctor of. Yep, well, none of these do we know. Going back to the Marvel Universe, Doctor Doom. He runs the country. He don't have time. He'll put one of his Doom bots in control.

It's fine. Now he's there. No, no, no. Now here's another issue. What if the Doom bot is then looking after me? Sometimes the Doom bot doesn't know if he's an actual Doctor Doom or not. So it's perfect. Then you can see so many patients

at once. Oh my god, it's so easy. Existentially worrying. For Doctor Doom, maybe, and you, but as a doctor, he's like got so many of them. Yeah, I suppose. Bedside manner. Doctor Doom's spooky looking and he has cold metal hands.

Gentle cough. Okay. Prostate check. hands. Gentle cough. Okay. Prostate check. Cold. Very cold. Unpleasant. Made it unpleasant. And even if he took off his gauntlets, which you'd hope he does, but he probably doesn't.

Like, he's going to be all scalped over and bumpy, and that's going to be weird up there. I don't want Doctor Doom coming into his office in full Doctor Doom regalia. That's not on. Cape, that's neat. I don't want my doctor Doom regalia. That's not on. Cape, that's neat. I don't want my Doctor in a cape. That's weird. How about Doctor Doom the regalia but with a lab coat? Oh, that's fine.

Plop any of them in a lab coat and I'm fine. I'm at ease now. I feel like the problem there is if your last name is like Richards or Storm, he may choke you. Well, I think actually speaking of last names, if I'm like, oh, I have a Doctor Doom, then instantly I'm worried.

Like, every sad and terrible... But he's a good doctor. Like, I mean, he's judging a book by his cover with name and actual face. And, like, again, Bedside Man, he's a bad guy, so that kind of... Only in the eyes of the Fantastic Four. He is villainous. Who are heroes and... Yeah Man He's a bad guy So that kind of

Only in the eyes Of the Fantastic Four He's villainous Who are heroes Yeah he's a villain He's villainous So No stopping his surgery

To fix my testicular cancer To just be putting A bomb in me Yeah I was gonna say You might become a scheme In his like I don't wanna find out Like a year down the track

That I'm part of a scheme To take down the Fantastic Four Yeah I don't need that pressure on me in my life. It'd be even worse if you found out that you're a Doom bot now. Imagine going in for a gentle cough and coming out as... As a bot. That's scary ass.

He does know magic, though. Oh! And that's pretty good. So, like, he could magic away your cancer. That's pretty good. And he does go into the afterlife to bring back his dead mum So I reckon he'd go above and beyond the call to help you out So with confidence like that's 100% success rate

Basically If you've got magic Any bloody illness you've got take it away Magic backfires often It does It's usually like some kind of deal with some kind of Satan Or like a Mephisto Imagine your doctor coming to me like It's like some kind of deal with some kind of Satan, or like a Mephisto.

Imagine your doctor coming to me like, it's fine, I made a deal with some kind of Satan. You're coming back. You're coming back. So you go to the lung cancer, yeah, you look down, there's this giant pentagram. What's this mean? Ah, it's fine. It's fine, you're fixed, so don't worry about it.

It's just scars from the surgery, the magic surgery, my magic deal with the devil, I mean surgery. So look, every six months you may get a visit from the great Lord Bahamut, my magic deal with the devil, I mean surgery. So look, every six months you may get a visit from the great Lord Bahamut, but like, whatever, he's fine. Don't stress about it. This is the price you pay. Just give him a cheesecake, send him on your way, he's fine. And do you

have that cough anymore? I guess not. Nothing's helping me getting a cough in the future, though. More deals, that's fine. There's more space for pentagrams. There's plenty of Satans out there. We've replaced your lung with, I guess, a Satan. Some kind of demon lung. You won't

get cancer, but you will get demons. Isn't it great to imagine an x-ray and instead of one lung, there's just a little demon being like, yeah. Don't go for a second opinion. Yeah, I had surgery. I don't know if it's okay. And the doctors are like, they might be like, uh...

They might be like, what do you feed it? Ah, fuck. Air? Air. Hopefully? You know when your drink goes down the wrong hole? Yeah. That. You're just going to eat a sandwich and force it to go down the wrong hole. Or just crawl up every now and again

and just be like, what are you eating? That's bad. I don't want that. What's worse is I'm imagining it's a little version of you. Now I'm into it. A little version of me that pops up and is like, Jackson, give me a sandwich.

Lucia, what's for lunch? I don't know, I've already eaten. Eat again. I'm not hungry. I'm hungry. Man, I'm hungry. Jackson, you just say,

no, not me, sorry. Lucia, put a little bit of bread in my hand. That's awesome. That's bad. Don't of bread in my hand. That's awesome. That's bad. Don't go to Dr. Doom. Don't pitch Dr. Doom. I don't like this one. Anyway, I think that's

bad for every aspect, I think. Ethics, though. He put a Jackson in you. But he cured you. He cured you with a little Jackson. And I guess it was like, whatever approved, like medically approved sort of method.

Medically approved Satans. So I guess he very much went off the book. Yeah. Ethics, not great. Not great. And not the good, not great either, which I feel like I keep needing to clarify with ethics. He's not middle of the road.

He's put a Satan in your lungs. Yeah, yeah. Bad ethics. All right, well, competence. Maybe. You know what? No. Hard to say.

Well, I mean, like, if he managed to put the little Satan Jackson in my lungs without any ill effect towards me other than the fact that I got a little Satan Jackson in my lungs. You made a deal with it. An occasional visit from a Satan in the future. That's competence. It's just magic competence. That's confidence. It's just magic confidence. He's got four villains.

One is made of rocks. One is just a man that catches fire and he can't beat them. Well, he's just a guy. That's beating a dude. We're talking about beating cancer. Cancer and the Fantastic Four are two different things entirely. I could beat cancer. Well, I couldn't beat cancer. I did beat cancer.

Hey, congratulations. I couldn't beat the Fantastic Four. End of the day. But he's never even beaten one of them. I mean, he probably has. I don't know. Yes. Alright. But handwriting though.

I reckon it's perfect. Yeah, like I think it'd be. He seems like he's college educated. He is. And like I think it'd be my guy it's too good he seems like he's college educated he is and like I think he puts a lot of effort into like appearances

even though you know because of weird things but I reckon he has like immaculate yeah so that's not great not great that's not great as well

so overall what's he a great no he's a not great he's uh he's probably bang on Doc Ock really I think Doc Ock could be better

no no I think Doc Ock could be better. No, no. I think Doc Ock's in second place currently, by the way. Is Dr. Mario in first place? Sure is. That's not right. All right, what do you got? Well, I was thinking, when you think the doctor, the doctor. Like the doctor from Doctor Who.

Oh, the Doctor Who? The Doctor Who. Who? Let's Who. Who? Let's not do this. If we go down this path, I will replace myself with someone in the audience and I will never speak to you guys again. Well, immediately my issue is that

that doctor has like a different biology going on. Yeah. Where's your second heart? No, but he also understands humans, though. Like he knows humans only have one heart. What's his obsession with us? Maybe he just wants to help. Like a doctor.

Doctors just want to help. What's their obsession with illnesses? Well, they're getting paid, douche. You know what? I wouldn't say he's a doctor, then. I'd say he's a vet. What? Oh, no.

He'd be a vet. Ah, fuck. We are practically just apes to him. Yep. Yep, you're right. If he's doing it, he's doing it as like a goof, Ah, fuck. We are practically just apes to him. Yep. Yep, you're right. If he's doing it, he's doing it as like a goof almost. Yeah. But not like a fun Dr. Seuss goof. No.

Because you know the stuff that we can put animals through that we wouldn't do to humans. He'll be doing that to us. What do we put animals through that we can't do to humans? Animal trials. Do you know the awful things that people don't like talking about? Are you saying that Dr. Who? the doctor, is going to be like, let's test makeup on this human.

Let's test this Gallifreyan makeup on this human. You're like, sweet, I'm going to go on a Doctor Who adventure. That's great. And he's like, it stings my eyes. All right, I'll write that down. I'm going to get to go to space. Maybe Gallifreyans, maybe. But I don't know.

I don't know if Bedside Matter would kind of Treat you like how you treat a dog Like you'd be like Well done Good work Alright have this treat And rub your throat That's sick I wish doctors were that nice

I wish doctors were that handsy With my neck Yeah That'd be great Imagine a GP That was I'm not doing uphill then Yeah no

Like a GP When was the last time A GP gave you like a treat Never How much better would it be When I was a kid They would give me lollipops Now they don't Exactly The doctor uphill then yeah no like a GP when was the last time a GP gave you like a treat never how much better would it be when I was a kid they would give me lollipops now they don't

exactly the doctor wouldn't stop he'd probably be like jelly babies or something I'd be alright yeah see come around bedside manner

he'd be a bit rude because it'd be like he was talking to a dog condescending but he'd give you a treat people are nice to dogs though good boy thank you

I feel like if if a doctor's calling me a good boy I'm like I'd take it I feel like if doctors call me good boy, I'm like, I'd take it. I'm like, thanks. I am. I took my medicine and now I'm better. Fuck, I'm a great boy. You're right. Did you take your cough medicine? Uh-huh.

Fuck, you might even like hide your cough medicine in like a burger or something. Like what we do with dogs. Not burgers, the equivalent. No, we put it in dog food, but the doctor wouldn't give me dog food. But burgers, the equivalent. I don't give a dog a burger. We put it in dog food, but the doctor wouldn't give me dog food. But see, I'm cleverer than a dog. Just. Because... Say it.

What he'd have to do is have to like... You know what? I just want to point out. The other day, we were leaving my house. And I have a dog, Melody. And so I was like, come on, Melody. And then Jackson was like, what, you want me to come? Yeah, all right. Because he uses the same tone if he needs me to come somewhere.

He's like, come on, Jackson. And I'm like, okay, we're going somewhere. It's just this time it was the dog. You know, that's not good. It's not bad. It's pretty bad. Am I Doctor Who-ing you? I am, like I said, just slightly smarter than a dog.

I don't have tricks that I can... If you told me to sit, it would be harder for me to sit than a dog. Yeah, you're a bit lippy. You're like, why? What do you want? Why? What am I getting? A treat?

Am I a good boy? But I feel like, like I said, I'm a bit cleverer than a dog. So if Doctor Who was like, Jackson, here's your spaghetti, it's regular spaghetti, and then I'd find the pill and eat around it. I don't know if anyone's seen Jackson eat, but you definitely wouldn't because you do some of these ones. You're a scoffer. I am a scoffer, and I drink too quick.

You do. I make the noise. I don't know how to savour things. I don't know if I was just never taught, but it just doesn't happen for me. You're the perfect patient for the doctor, to be honest. All I've got to do is start swallowing, and the doctor can just drop the pill in my mouth. Oh, there it went.

Thanks, doc. Thanks, doc. Have I been a good boy? I'd be scared that the doctor would just hop in the TARDIS and fuck off in the middle of, like... Like, what if... It's time travel, though. It's time a good boy? I'd be scared that the doctor would just hop in the TARDIS and fuck off in the middle of like... It's time travel, though. It's time travel, so he could fuck off and then come back a second later.

He's had a whole adventure. I've just been lying there in the bed. Hang on, but time travel is good here. Because he could always be like, all right, let me grab you some blood samples, hop in his TARDIS, come back, and be like, I've already got the results. What's to stop him doing this, though? I'm like, oh back and be like, I've already got the results. What's to stop him

doing this, though? I'm like, oh, I'm sick because maybe I'm not sick. I had a car hit me and I'm dying. And the doctor just kills me, goes back in time before I got hit by the car, brings that version of me into the present, and he's like, you're fine. When has the doctor ever done

anything like that? Next question is, is that so bad? It's what I do, which is, I guess, why I thought of it. Like, you're no longer hit by a car. Because if I was not, because let's be honest, Doctor Who, he's not a medical doctor, and neither am I. And if I was in that position but I had time travel, that's how I'd fix all of my problems.

And you could go forward in time and be like, actually, I don't know what you've got. Go forward in time. Oh, yeah, he died of this. Yeah, we're catching it early. Yeah, we left scissors in you. Okay, if the doctor was an A&E doctor, accidents, emergencies, accidents would be easy because it would just be like,

oh, my God, this person was in a horrific accident. Let's go stop that accident. Yeah, that's true. Time travel. But is that really being a doctor or just being like a good guy? It's being... Exactly. If doctors treat patients before they get sick are they really doctors is what you're asking well and doctors give people vaccinations

yeah that's true that prevents illness so yeah no he's a doctor we did it damn all right what about somebody started clapping that's good yeah we fucked success. Thank you for that clap. What about ethics? Like we're saying, he's just like a dog. Competence? Good. Yeah, he's competent, but I feel his plan's very convoluted. Yeah.

That doesn't matter because you're unconscious. It's surgery. Oh, wait, it's GP. It's not surgery. I did a leap. Also, what? Ah, it's unconscious It's not surgery I did a leap Also what? Ah it's oncology It doesn't matter what happens

Like the bicycle Slide of hand trick It doesn't matter Because as long as When you wake up You're fixed I guess If the doctor has

If he's like alright His heart's gonna stop After four beats I have to go back in time Kill Julius Caesar Because Julius Caesar then Did something And then there we go. But he marries a lady

and then they have a kid and that kid has a disease that this guy got. Anyway, it comes back. You've got heaps of beats left now. That's good. Who cares? If you know how we like dogs and he's like, oh, you're a good dog. He might really like you. Like, hey, you want to come on a trip, boy? Yeah, that's true. But I've

always thought that if I had the option to go with Doctor Who, I just never would. Because like I think I've said in an episode, I don't want that knowledge. I'm happy living in ignorance. You've already got the knowledge by the time he asks you there. Ah, fuck. Can he mind wipe me? Can I push him out of the TARDIS and just fuck off?

Come get me, Doctor. I mean... I don't know how to operate it. I'm just going to end up halfway through a building. You could ruse him out of his TARDIS. But I don't know. Do you know what's going on in there? He just presses a button, pulls a dial.

But he just doesn't really know. He kind of just... So maybe I would just have time adventures. Anyway, and the Doctor's ethics are questionable, but not super bad or super good So, like if I was like, hey doctor I've got a bit of a cough He'd be like, a cough! And then he'd be real panicked

and then he'd realise that I was being cheeky And then he'd give me a medical certificate He'd probably give me like 10 Yeah, that's true He doesn't seem to care It's the same thing with, he's done it with companions before where he's been like, have a credit card, it's got unlimited money. It's kind of the same thing.

And I think that's because he's so old that he doesn't give a fuck about the job. He's like, take a day off work. See the sights. Human beings are ants to me. Although he'd be more like, no, whatever, quit your job and we go on an adventure. That's fine.

Fix me and we're good. I'm going to be like, come get me. Time adventures. Why don't you just go and do it? Crashed into going to be like, come get me. Time adventures. Crashed into the Thames. Leave the door open. Flood the place. Why don't you just go with him if you're going to steal his TARDIS? I'll have to solve problems.

You know, every time you land, he's like, look at this place. And I'm like, what's going to go wrong? Something's going to go wrong. Are these aliens going to attack? Are these aliens... It's never a vacation there's always a hassle i'm gonna end up getting eaten by a sultaran whatever give me like the lazy version like of a gallifreyan who has the same amount of obsession with the human then we can be like sick let's just go places i don't want to accidentally come across satan

basically that was a scary time. Shrink him down. Put him in a lung. I'll have a Satan as my lung. But that was me. I came across a giant me in a cave. That's real good. That's real bad. That's terrifying again.

They're like, Jackson, you're known across the universe because of this guy. I forget how that episode went. Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre. Can you imagine how cool it'd be? All right. Well, he's not fictional, but I guess he's doctor it is. So I'll give you that one.

He's the doctor of beats. Exactly. Which is cool. It's so cool. He's fine with medication. Yes. What's he going to prescribe me? Purple Dray. Well, he's got an album called The Chronic.

That's good. Some of this, probably. Everything's medicinal to Dr. Dray. Medicinal heroin, I love it. I've got a little heroin. Can you describe some of that little medicinal heroin? I guess not. It's like cool to meet a celebrity.

He's notoriously a dick. Maybe that's a bit fun. Like Dr. House. He got arrested for assaulting a female reporter. Okay, well that's less fun. I'm sure a lot of doctors have done some sketchy stuff.

Yeah, I guess. Look, if we're mad at Dr. Dre, then we've got to be mad at Wario. And we were all over Wario. Dr. Dre is a better person than Wario. Exactly. So we've just got to cop Dr. Dre's crimes. Bedside manner. You get some raps.

Yeah. Well, yeah. And I imagine he's real chill through the whole thing, which would calm me down. He'd bring in Snoop, probably. Oh, man! Let Snoop tell me I've got cancer. He's also friends with Eminem, who would stress you out, because he seems the opposite of those two. Eminem's too quick for me.

I want him to stay in the waiting room if he's got to come along at all. Yeah, he... I don't know why Dr. Dre's bringing all his friends in to diagnose me. He'd be like, yo, yo, Jackson, I got Snoop in. He's going to tell you what's going on. Snoop's like, hey. But the problem there is...

I got some bad news, man. You'd be too distracted to focus on what he was saying. That's true. You'd be like, well, it was a great performance. Thank you so much. You guys are real talented. That's all right. He's a musician.

He'll do an encore. Encore, encore, encore. Remind me what cancer I have. Tell me how, riddled? Very, you say. Competency. You're in a bit of a trouble there. He's not a medical doctor.

Yes. He is a rapper. Yes. And he's a real person, so we can't even just assume that using a video game... Has he ever gone to a medical school or at least looked at a medical textbook that we know of? Could I help him through it?

If I'm lying in the table and he's like, man, I just don't know. And I'm like, well, Chuck is a textbook. Let's have a look. If I had to make someone more competent, I wouldn't add you to the equation. I'd remove you. Okay, fair, fair.

Sorry, yeah, bad. Not good. Very not great. Ethics. Yeah. Well, like, okay, he attacked a female reporter. And he's prescribing us medicinal heroin. Not great.

Okay. But probably too bad to the not great. Yeah. Handwriting. He's a rapper. They usually scribble stuff down real quick Yeah, it's gonna be messy Can I swap to Snoop? Yes, I'll allow it I want Snoop Dogg to diagnose me with that

Because he's just like a real friendly, lovely semen guy Plus he'd be like At the same level of stressed as I would be He'd be like Man You got ladies like, man, you got ladies seen, man. It's happened. I'd be like, ah, shit.

He'd be like, yeah. That's really nice. Nobody's too professional. It's just like two friends diagnosing each other with cancer. Each other? I don't know why. I'm not diagnosing Snoop. I don't have the authority. That's not what I want from a cheap dude Sign me up

Fuck yeah Snoop It's not great to have Snoop come in with his beanie He's clearly stoned You know he's off his face But he's cool about it I'm going to give this one to Snoop Yeah like he's better than Dr. Mario I'll give you that

Who comes in second place everyone else dead last Wait Snoop comes in second place. Everyone else, dead last. Wait, Snoop comes... Oh, Mario comes in second place. Yeah. Snoop's number one. Snoop is number one. Snoop's number one. He is, I guess, the best doctor that we have.

He's the best fictional doctor is Snoop Dogg. I think that's fair to say. I think it's fair to say. Best fictional doctor in all of, you know, literature and pop culture is Snoop Doggy Dog. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel.

And that was a life loving Odessa. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at SandsPantsPlus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content, and much, much more. That's SandsPantsPlus.com.