Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Prison Is The Best To Be Incarcerated In?

Episode Date: December 15, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio,com on January 1st, 2020. All you have to do is sign up to SandsPantsPlus.com at any level from now until January 31st and you'll get access to the complete playthrough, New Year's Morn. Get in quick because come February, it'll only be available to SandsPants Kings. So just head to sandspansplus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cass unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Flumming the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like which fictional prison would be the best to be incarcerated in incarcerated great word yeah it's up there with incinerate. A word that sounds similar.

Which fictional prison would be the best? Incinerate. They're actually all equally bad because the result is the same. The one where Hulk punches me into the sun. Yeah. All right. What's good about- Prison in general?

What's good about- Yes. Okay. So prisons in our current society apparently none of us have gone to jail yeah that's no good yeah not it's not the ideal place to go yeah it's hard to get a good time yeah um apparently and again this is all allegedly never been to jail done time haven't done time haven't done time seen some't done time. Haven't done time. Seen some terrible doc... Well, not terrible doc...

Seen some good documentaries about terrible things. Yeah. Yeah, bad things. If you have done time and we get something wrong... Let us know. Yeah. Write us an email. Dear Plumbing the Death Star, I'm in jail right now.

I'm currently in the clink. You said it was bad. I'm having a nice time. How dare you insult my lifestyle? I chose this. Prison rules. Bronson. Bronson Jail.

All right, so what are you picking? All right, so, yeah, jail, real life, bad. This jail seems easier. It's just jail for nerds. I'm picking Azkaban. Azkaban, all right, so let's see. Harry Potter's island jail. Harry Potter's version of, what's that?

Alcatraz. Yes. Yeah, look, hey, the name's so different. Alcatraz. Azkaban. Man, she's brilliant. Razamataz. Whoa, British.

So why did you go to jail? What wizard crime did you commit? Magic outside of school, I imagine. Magic outside of school. Turned a dog into a bone. Yeah, I don't think they sent kids to Azkaban. I don't think they kill kids. Harry Potter, age 11.

You've used magic in your house. Dementor make out with this boy. Yeah, imagine they're like Harry Potter. You know, Dobby magics that cake onto Aunt Petunia's. Not Aunt Petunia's. Whatever his aunt's had. And Harry's like, well, I hope I don't get in trouble. And they're like 20 to life. Smash cut to him.

Kid, you're fucked up and you will pay the ultimate price six dementors all hovering around slap smack in their lips oh my god it's scary it's how that wizard school was only good for one year yeah i feel like i don't know let's say it's the worst of the worst yeah you have. You would have to do something really bad. A proper atrocity. Yeah, one of the- Killed the dragon in Gringotts. There's got to be- If you use one of the curses, the three evil curses- Actually, no, one of those curses isn't actually that bad.

What about- Hang on. Hang on, hang on. Hang on, Shush. Shush was saying that manipulation, murder on torture, or murder, it's not that bad. All right, see why you've gone into the tail. Was it a bad choice?

I did the good one. I did the good one. Sarah, are you sure you want to represent yourself in court? Of course I'm sure! Wizard Dusha, I'm giving you one last chance here. What do you want to lawyer? Look, before you, I'm going to, can you please

strike, what was the last thing said from the records? Please, I just... Last chance the Miranda rights again. Whatever you say can... What you say can And will Be used against you

Thank you your honour There's three unforgivable curses Two of them are bad One's fine And I did it I did it heaps I'd do it again tons In fact if you give me one I'd do it right ton in fact if you give me a wand I'd do it right now

I'm trying all day long I dream about spells they snap your wand in front of you put you in Azkaban just to be on record the manipulation wand is the one I don't think is that bad. It's pretty bad still. Okay.

Transfiguration is a thing you can just do. You can turn your friend into a rat. Manipulation is in the same school as that. I suppose. Well, in court, I disagree, but all right. You've been bejailed. I wouldn't be like, look, real life for me. I did it, but for a prank.

It was just a joke, Your Honor. I did it, but for a prank. It was just a joke, your honor. I did it for good reasons. I made a kid in class stand up and yell at the teacher. I made Jackson eat a clock. Okay. Me sitting in the witness stand just holding my stomach. I can't

shit it. If you put your ear to my belly it tears. I can't shit it. It's a whole grandfather clock. It's so much wood. I can't even transfigure into something good like a rat. It's just because my belly's in the way.

I'm shitting the numbers on the clock face at the moment. See, you're on a victimless crime. Oh, cogs coming out. Oh, man, so many cogs. I don't understand how this is as bad as killing a man. It's so funny to be like, ba-ba-da-ba, eight o'clock. What? Man, come on.

Walking over, breaking it down. You piece of shit. Make me stop. No. No,, breaking it down. You do it. Make me stop. No. No, I hate that clock. This is the best way to get rid of it. I'm watching you eat things is pleasant for me. Now, the hands are spiky.

So, I mean, Azkaban, they've snapped my wand. Yeah. They've snapped everyone's wands. Why'd they do that? Well, you're not- Oh, I thought you meant all wizards. Go on. That was my crime.

I went around and managed to snap every wand. Not only did you make this young wizard eat a clock, but then you went on one snapping spree. I couldn't stop. It shouldn't be so easy to break. It's all right. Hey, control someone, snap your wand. Oh, you shit. Best way.

How is it any different from Expelliarmus? Actually, fuck, that's a good way to stop Voldemort. Control Voldemort, snap his own wand. Snap the elder wand. It snapped like a twig anyway. I mean, if you're just going to do an unforgivable curse. If you're just going to do an unforgivable curse, it could just be like Avada Kedavra.

I mean, yeah, but that crosses a line because as someone famously just said, two are real bad, one's all right. But with Voldemort, look, murder's bad, but if you're in a room, it's 19 fucking 41. You've got a gun and Hitler's in the room. If you shot him, I wouldn't be like, you're a bad man. I'd be like, net zero.

I understand. Look, hey, an eye for an eye. But in this situation, the Bible's probably cool with it. I think I've misunderstood. God, did I understand that? That little moment of like, oh, in your face was really good. It's like your year 10 religious teacher's like, no, something's wrong. I feel itchy for some reason.

Well, this is a total side note, but it's a very brief and funny story. Please. When I was doing, so I went to a Catholic high school when I was doing my religion. I know, because you know about the Bible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was doing religion in my last couple of years, my teacher had lost faith. Oh, that's intense.

I thought it was going to be, oh, lost faith in me. No, lost faith. So just taught a really cynical version of religion and it was far more interesting. Yeah, I can imagine. But that's how I ended up like this. I know a lot about it,

but it was taught by a man that seemed to despise it. So tell me about Azkaban. Why is it good? Why is it so good? Well, it's like normal jail, except instead of risk of being shivved or terrible things happening or being killed, you're just sad.

Oh, boo-hoo. I don't know. From what we saw, you were just like in a room. I'd be bored. It was dirty saw, you were just like in a room. Yeah. I'd be bored. It was dirty. It seemed cold in Azkaban. It seemed real cold.

Could you move? Were you chained to a floor? Depends on what. Wizard crime. Did you have like free time in the yard? Because I don't reckon you did. Yeah, because Grendelwald is chained to the floor when Dumblydore goes and has a peep. You see, Azkaban, I thought it was a tower somewhere. I think it's a

tower of Azkaban. Because I think he's in a brand new tower. Look, that makes sense. Yeah, I know that tower in Hogwarts. And I was like, I thought it was just like a tower in the middle of, I don't know, Durmstrom or whatever. I would say it's probably a tower in the middle of Azkaban.

Look, that makes a lot more sense than my headcanon of, yeah, just a tower. Just a tower in the woods. Sirius Black the middle of Azkaban. Look, that makes a lot more sense than my headcanon of yeah, just a tower. Just a tower in the woods. Sirius Black broke out of Azkaban. He's fine. Yeah, well he's not. Well, fine for a bit. He's not doing that great. He seems to have a little bit of, you know, PTSD there. I mean, he's also dead. That's also true,

yes. But before that. Yeah, Bellatrix is strange. She gets out. A lot of people get out. Yeah. But like the Dementors. I mean, I'm not at the same caliber of wizard. But like the Dementors. Although, I'm not at the same caliber of wizard. Although, apparently I'm good at the manipulation spell. So maybe I am. And making a poor boy eat a clock.

So the Dementors, they're just meant to suck hope? No, no, no. They give you a bit of a smooch. Oh, that's the Dementors kids. And again, doesn't kill you, just makes you it's pretty much the equivalent of a lobotomy. Yeah. That's the one.

They just make you cut. Like if you're, if you just feel like mildly upset. Yeah. Well, yeah, because Harry, who has Voldemort in him.

Yeah. So Dementors hate him. Yeah. And then Dementors are involved. It doesn't make sense. Or maybe it does. I hated Harry Potter. Maybe they love him.

Like, like Moth. Yeah. Isn't he delicious to them? Isn it does. I hope they hated Harry Potter. Maybe they love him. Like Moth attracted to a light. Isn't he delicious to them? Isn't he like, you've got a little bit of delicious evil in me. Look, hey, I didn't know where old mate was. Yeah, no, that makes sense. I might have just missed it the other way around.

If tragedy is soup, Harry's is the richest. Yeah, okay, that's true. But yeah, do Dementors just suck away hope? Yeah, well, no, I think they just- It's the good feelings. Yeah, just the good feelings. I Dementors just suck away hope? Yeah, well no It's the good feelings If it's just hope, I'm like, I'm already in jail What hope do you think I have? It's that thing, because with prison

The only thing that keeps you going From those horrible documentaries Have seen, seem to be like There's light at the end of the tunnel I know what's going on, I'm getting out eventually Whereas I think the Dementors, it just seems very depressing. I just keep imagining Dusha having to relive his worst memories, but they're not that bad.

It's like going on a Ticketmaster and they're out of tickets to a show you want to go to and you're like, huh. They make you relive you making Jack eat a clock. You're like, yeah, good. Actually, that was bad to watch. It's cutting my throat on the way down. This is the big hand. Chew, you fool.

I didn't say not chew. I just said eat it. It's just deep throat in that clock. And yeah, there are moments where I revisit where I was ruined by my most hubris moments, which was just caught two weeks ago. No, I don't want a lawyer. I didn't do anything wrong. I'll represent myself.

The judge will understand. I'm an innocent man. Playing that on repeat. I see where I might have fucked up. It's so funny to go into court being like, the judge will be on my side. Judge, come on, buddy. Why is this even a crime?

Because I'm not denying I did it. I'm denying that it should be a crime. Which is a big decision for a man who is representing himself to try and mend it. And under arrest. He's not even an activist. He's just under arrest.

So, my memory from the film is, again, as we can see, spotty. So, it just was like, was there anything in the room? It seemed like the cells were bare with maybe a shitter. And then, like, metal bars and Dementors just roaming the halls. Yeah. Did you get a bed? Didn't look like it. But we only see Sirius' cell, right?

No, we see Bellatrix's Lestrange as well. And Barney Crouch's G. Yeah, it doesn't seem like they have... Maybe they have a bed, but it doesn't look like it. But we only see Sirius' cell, right? No, we see Bellatrix's Lestrange as well. And Barney Crouch's G. Yeah, it doesn't seem like they have, maybe they have a bed, but it doesn't look comfortable. But no prison is. So is your argument that this prison is good because it's really no worse from a regular prison? Well, I'd say it's better than a regular prison. Bold claim.

Because you don't need the ghouls outside floating by. Yeah, spooky ghouls. But that's the thing. Spooky ghouls, it's just like there's no actual threat in Azkaban. There's no threat from other prisoners. That's a good point. Because all the other prisoners have no hope. No hope and no wands. And they're also all in other separate cells.

Can you imagine a wizard throwing a fucking punch? I can't. The very idea makes me sick. Polar bones like a bird. Yeah. What are you doing for exercise and cleaning? Are there showers in the house? What am I doing for exercise in real life?

Good point. All right. Walking? That's fine. I can still do that in the cell. Pace around the cell? Yeah. Scheme.

Keep your mind active. Keep the body active. Because there's a big keep your mind active keep the body active a big problem here what you're suggesting of why it's good is that there's no one around but that's basically just solitary yeah you're pretty much putting yourself in solitary confinement solitary confinement but with ghosts and that seems to

like real fuckle a lot of people's brains yeah I feel like you're basically gonna like lobotomy yourself there's a further example of joel duchess hubris they'll put you in the communal cell you're like no don't i don't care i don't care put me in the solitary one it's good in there it's quiet it's quiet it's great it's not it's bad and you come out and they're like did the dementors get you no you just were in solitary and that's what happens. Yeah.

No, it's good. It's bad. It's bad. Bad choice. Yeah, bad choice. Yeah. Good choice. Okay.

All right. Prison is a breeze. I'm going to put forward the Suicide Squad prison. Blackgate. Blackgate. Okay, I'm going to stop you there. Yeah. Because I feel like you just revisit the first word of the sentence you just said. The Suicide Squad Prison. Blackgate. Okay, I'm going to stop you there. Yeah.

Because I feel like you just revisit the first word of the sentence you just said. Yeah. The first word of the name of this thing. Yeah. And that will be why this is a bad choice. Are you getting put in the Suicide Squad? I have the potential to. Because look at that black guy. Amanda Waller looks at the roster of people incarcerated recently,

and she's like, it hasn't been a supervillain with powers or abilities for the last 20 years. Hello. I guess we'll take Joel Zabit. Put him on the team. He manages people at work. That seems pretty good. It seems pretty.

He's in okay shape, I guess. I'm going to put a bomb in his head. Leadership position already. But it's the same kind of principle as yours, JD, where it's like prison kind of sucks anyway. This is basically a prison where, hey, I might get on the good side of the government and get to go on excursions,

and depending what kind of creature or evil villain I am, I get a customised cell. Look what they gave Killer Croc. They gave him a swamp and fed him pigs or whatever. Yeah, but you have to save the day at least once to get a good cell. No, Killer Croc started off that way. He got a TV for being rewarded. But you don't have any special requirements.

You'd just be given an empty cell. You would have a cell very similar to my cell. Except you would have a comfortable bed. A comfortable bed. Look what have a comfortable bed. A comfortable bed. Look what Harley Quinn had. No beds? She had beds and ropes you could do tricks on. She had no bed.

She has ropes. Presumably, like, I hope she hangs herself. That's the only logical reason for them being like. But they dare. Why are they giving her like, hey, we're going to give you something. So maybe, look, we hear you're a bit of a gymnast, maybe a circus performer. Have you ever heard of like the, look,

the warden went and saw Cirque du Soleil last week. Just wondering if you heard of it. At what point in Harley Quinn's career did she teach herself trapeze? Did she go from psychiatrist? She was like, I'll join you as Harley Quinn. And the Joker's like great these are the classes you need to take you need to be circus themed

that's weird well what are your special requirements as Joel Zammett that aren't being used as Blackgate's budget people can put towards you keep bringing up Killer Croc Killer Cock

you keep bringing up Killer Croc Killer Croc Killer Croc alright you keep bringing up Killer Croc he is literally a crocodile man he will probably die

if we don't give him water yeah I know I heard you guys said he was closer to crocodiles than human or something yeah we don't have much of what you might call a science department

we're a prison anyway that's fucking weird yeah shut up prisoner what do you want yeah he keeps talking back all he's gonna get We're a prison. Anyway. That's fucking weird. Shut up, prisoner. What do you want? Yeah, he keeps talking back. All he's going to get is this baton in a second.

Oh, no. What are your special requirements so you don't die? Let's see. Coffee. Wrong. That's right. We'll give him a pound of coffee. Nothing to make the coffee bean.

What happens if you don't have coffee? What happens if I don't have coffee? What happens if I don't have coffee? He gets cranky. He's all stroppy if he doesn't get coffee. I get stroppy, migraine, then I'll start vomiting. So you're out of the Suicide Squad because you're not in good condition.

But if I have coffee, I'm good. Wait, why am I wanting to be in the Suicide Squad? This is all right. Oh, shit. Bombing head activated. So, like, the threats that the Suicide Squad face, they face them because they have special abilities. Well, hang on.

Boomerang's just a guy. Yeah, he knows how to throw a boomerang. He uses a drone once. I can use a drone. All right. Well, we've got a mate claiming a lot of abilities. So Blackgate officer number two. Hey, I have a name.

Yes. Officer number two. You know when we put... It's Jacques. Jacques. Officer number two. Okay. Keep saying Jacques.

He's being rude to you. Yeah, we've got a weird relationship. Go on. I'm his senior officer. Senior officer Joel Duchesne, officer number two Jacques. You know how when we arrest people that have drug addictions and we don't just give them heaps of that drug? Yeah.

Why are we giving this man coffee? Well, he wants to be on the suicide squad, he was saying, I think. Is that true, sir? Look, maybe- Why am I calling you sir we run this prison i don't want to be that guy but we run this prison pretty bad oh look if you just i'll happily take the coffee like that in the cafeteria at the prison but like i don't think this guy knows what a prison is. Yeah, I think he's confused it for high school. He saw an American TV show. Or an office, possibly. Do you?

What kind? You can buy, like. Yeah, you've got commission? Commissary. I don't know. Whatever it is. Commissary. All right, fine.

Coffee, question mark. What else do you need? He's good. What else do I need? A couple of good books to read Come on I might hang him Give me Limited access to the library

Why I think he just gets that for free I don't know how we run our president Also why do you think that Why is that something you put your foot down? Senior officer Joel Dusha. What do you want me to give? You came to us, you're like, I've got special requests.

And then you've requested something that, look, maybe we can do, but I don't think we would. And a second thing, which is just for everyone. So don't come at me like what I'm saying is ridiculous. You just seem to be like, I'm not going to let you use the library. That was just the vibe I got. Am I wrong? It did seem like your intent was to ban him from the library.

I might now, just because he's wasting my time. No books. Everyone else gets them, just not you, because you asked for it. It's great to imagine Zabit's cell is just Zabit and a pile of coffee beans and no bed or toilet or anything. That'll do him. He said Killer Croc gets special stuff.

I want special stuff too. We're like, what? You say coffee and books. You're putting words in my mouth. Where's the judge? What special requirements do you need? I'm just a dude. I was saying my Blackwater was all right.

Why are you in jail? Yeah, what crime did you do? Oh, yeah, what crime did I do? Is it just a jail for people, a jail for, like, super crime? It's like Arkham. Yeah, it's like a lesser Arkham. There are regular criminals in there. It's like all of the supervillains go, or most of the supervillains go to Arkham. There are regular criminals in there. It's like all of the supervillains go

or most of the supervillains go to Arkham Asylum and their cronies go to Blackgate. So it's like still a high security prison. So it's something bad. Maybe you were in a gang. Like Huff some Joker gas and was running with a JK man himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it just gives you a big smile. Big smile and can I do gym tricks? I guess we can give him rope. Every prisoner gets rope. I hear the warden's seen Cirque du Soleil. Our rope budget is huge. I just like the idea that Blackwater has given everyone those things because either they do Cirque du Soleil or hang themselves.

Either way is fine with us. Look, if you want, I can do a great, great circus trick. What you do is there's like a rope trick thing and I am topless in tight jeans and there's a bath underneath me. I get wet and do some spinny stuff. It's very sexy. What about, Zama does magic tricks with cards. Let's give him a deck of cards.

Okay, that's fair. That could be his ability. There we go. We'll give him some coffee and with cards. Let's give him a deck of cards. Okay, that's fair. That could be his ability. There we go. We'll give him some coffee and some cards. That's it. Oh, I wanted to be cut and wet. All right, fine. And we'll put him on the suicide squad and call him Cardo.

Cardo the card boy. I guess I'm okay with this. Cardo card wonder. Can I at least get a drone like Boomerang? No. For what? How does that help you do card tricks? You can get an extra special deck of

cards that's heavy. Can I throw them like Gambit? Can you? I can try. Well, there you go. Well done. Then we make them face like an evil Superman and Zama just gets killed.

What? Free space in prison again. Zama gets laser eyed and we're like, well, look, I mean, to be honest, all he could do was card tricks. So we should have expected. Just throwing cards as you do and just bounce off anyone. The worst I've ever seen with like when you throw those card tricks is accidentally cutting someone in the like on the forehead. Oh, man. And that's accidentally cutting someone on the forehead. Oh, man. And that's it.

That's the worst that you can do with one of those bad boys. Yeah, I just imagine you flinging it at Superman and it just goes across his costume and slices open the costume at the nipple, which pops out. And you're like, oh, and then he laser beams you. That's the end. Yeah. However, in terms of prison, got to go outside.

That's true. Got to be in a team. Excursions are nice. Excursions are nice. You have a bomb in your head. Special treatments. Yeah, only if I don't do what they say. And I'm a government stooge, if anything.

You know, have you read any of the comics? No. They just blow people up sometimes. It's just an easy way to get rid of them. Yeah, but like, you know. Which is also something that I've noticed. Something, wow. I drank off milk before this episode. It hasn't sat well with me.

That makes sense. Something that I've realised I don't know about running prisons because for some reason in this situation I keep talking about if prisoners kill themselves that's good. No, that's bad. That's not what they want. They tend to try and avoid that. They want to punish them, not for them to die.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, again, depending. If I'm on death row, I mean, I guess that just saves me the time and the appeal. If I was on death row, the Suicide Squad would be a better crew. A better thing to do than just wait in a cell and then get, like, the electric chair. Yes.

So, I mean, like, in that sense, I think it is better. But also, you are just you. I mean, it's an interesting way to die, killed by Superman. Yeah. How many people can... And plus, because I'm just a guy doing magic tricks, being like, hey, Supes, was this your card? And then if he shoots me with his laser beams, he's the dickhead.

It's cool to know that you'll forever weigh on Superman's conscience. Yeah. That's pretty cool. If it's Schneider Superman, maybe not. But if it's regular Superman. I was imagining regular Superman. He'd be a bit like, ooh, was that a dude? When he got out, when whatever the evil gas wore off,

he'd be like, what did I do? That man was just showing me card tricks. Oh, it's nice that he had evil gas. I just assumed he just was like, oh, I thought he was a villain. Oops. I thought he was one of the Suicide Squad. It's scary that your version of Superman is just indiscriminately killing villains. Yeah, I feel like choice.

Just like, ah, the suicides. I'll pull my punches back, but not a little bit. You know, I'll just try. Oh, I should have pulled them back real way. It's fucked up. You had to imagine Superman thinking that you have, like, equal super strength to him and just breaking your jaw. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, he's part of the Suicide Squad. He'll have powers. Amanda Waller's probably injected him with some kind of super serum of muscles or whatever. And your chest just caves in around his fist and it just keeps going. Just like a slow motion of Superman's face of the horror

of his just like... No! No! Amanda Waller being like, activate the bomb. We're going to kill him now. Kill him now so he doesn't have to suffer through this. It's a mercy. Punches in like a gut punch.

And then just like a slow pop as your belly pops. Or like, it's esophagus just like reversing up my throat. Coming out. The bomb going off in your head. Singeing Superman's face. Oh, no. The rest of the Suicide Squad just being like, oh, my God. He was just a dude.

He did card tricks for morale. Wasn't good morale, but none of us liked them. But hey, Supes, do you like card tricks? No one does. Superman with blood up to his elbow just being like, ah, yeah, yeah. Flying away. Well, you demoralized Superman. I guess that's good.

I did what the Joker could never do. And now, a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, Plumbing the Death Star is all fine and dandy, but did you know we produce a whole bunch of other podcasts? Like, maybe you want a show that is bereft of the plumbing boys and their bad opinions, and instead featured our good friends, Levins and John,

reviewing all of your favorite indie titles. If this sounds like you, then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for All The Small Games, our indie review podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. What's your power? I'm the demoralizer.

I can use my power once, and it's that I am human. I seem bad, but I'm not actually. My one power is that I seem powerful, but I am not, and trick heroes into killing me. Which then makes them feel bad, and then they go and think about what they've done,

and then probably after a bit come back, and they're fine. I've not used my power once, but I will soon. I reckon it'll be good. So in terms of prison, that's not bad. And hopefully, maybe, if the government are nice, my family will be provided for in my death. However, this is a black ops operation.

So I guess I'm cause of death hung by those ropes I requested in prison. Cause of death, he died of natural causes and they have an open casket and you just have a hole in your stomach down at the bottom and it explodes. What happened? Natural causes. Old age.

This is what happens. This congenital heart condition. Yeah, it's sensitive. It looks like someone punched him really hard in the stomach and then his head exploded. No, you're wrong. It was definitely old age. Age 32 or whatever.

It was his time. It's sad. Move on. I like the idea of being the demoralizer and Superman's like winding up. You're like, here it goes. I'm about to die, but I'm also about to demoralize Superman. And Wonder Woman just appears and cuts you in half. And she's like, oh, well.

Yeah, well, whatever. Villains have to die. Yeah, he was bad. So this is good. Shut it up. Wise away. Killed by the one hero that has no issue with killing.

Killer Croc, but he just did Karchar. She's gone. She's gone. She doesn't care. She's not fussed. Oh, wow. Oh, fuck. Hey, demoralized soups again, though. Soups demoralized for different reasons. I think that was just a guy,

Wonder Woman. Oh, my God just a guy, Wonder Woman. Oh, my God. Yeah, well, whatever. But you're still in the Suicide Squad. I like the idea of, like, dying in the Suicide Squad, doing a little fart, and then your head popping. People being like, was that? It's like being killed prior to the bomb going off. Yeah, it's Wonder Woman stabbing you in the head.

You're like, oh! Prior to the bomb going off. Yeah. Yeah, there's one woman stabbing you, you fall over, you're like... It's also good for, like, the bomb in their head to go off, like, way down the track, like, in the coffin. Dearly beloved. Or even just, like, a cemetery and one of the graves... It's like the gravestone just, like, shifts up a bit, smoke starts appearing underneath. What happened there?

That's so weird. Is Amanda Waller just like ticking boxes of like, oh, I haven't exploded these bombs. Let me just take care of them. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Someone in jail's head just pops like, whoops. Yeah, you know when you start accidentally doing things by route, you're like, click, click, click, click, click.

Oh, no. Went too far. Went too far in the middle of dinner. Time to die, Batman. click, click, click. Oh, no. Went too far. Went too far in the middle of dinner. Time to die, Batman. Batman very confused. When he said time to die, I thought he meant it was my time to die, not his. I guess, Alfred, this was a weird one. I guess Batman demoralized as well.

Indeed, sir. Indeed. Batman driving the Batmobile home and just like, hmm. Time to die. And then he died. His head just... Mr. Freeze never...

I notice it's consuming you, Master Bruce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't feel bad about it. I'm just confused. I'm kind of puzzled. Did I do Alfred Canoe? He just stares at Alfred like a little bit too long. Master Bruce, stop trying to do. Do I have the power to make people's heads explode?

No, Master Bruce. Not that I remember Master Bruce. Are you sure? Yeah. Which of the Robins don't I like right now, Bruce? It's always your son, so Damien. Bring Damien in for me. I like the idea of bring Damien in.

Also, I haven't seen Damien in any of the animated things. I've only read it. So I imagine their relationship is very similar to Scott Evil and Dr. Evil. Oh, he heaps. Absolutely.

So I imagine just Batman staring at Damien for ages and then Damien's like, shut up, dad. And then just kicks him in the nuts. My boy. staring at Damien for ages and then Damien's like, shut up, Dad, and then just kicks him in the nuts. Hoo! Hoo! My boy!

Right in the mummy daddy button. Oh, no. Austin Powers' Batman is bad. Oh, no. Do I make you scared, baby? Yeah. I don't like what we found ourselves. Real Randy for fear. What? You're an animal found ourselves. Real Randy for fear.

What? You're an animal, baby. You're a bat. You're a bat. You're only a bat. And I'm spent. Oh, no. Although a shagadelic bat cave is pretty great to imagine.

Just the penny spinning. Psychedelic colors. That's good. I think we've gone back again. It's just 60s Batman. Yeah, that's true. A lot of all the go-go girls, but like in Batgirl. Yeah.

I'm into that. Anyway. Okay, well, good prison anyway. Batsuit has nipples again. Yeah. Machine gun job, please. Batsuit has nipples and a dick. If you're going whole hog,

go whole hog. Put me in the phantom zone. That's where I want to go. The cube. It's not a cube. It's a pane of glass. So ending of Superman 2 when Zod's in that square. I'm also there. I'm with Zod and his crew. I was nearby.

Are you? Yeah yeah i didn't commit a crime because this isn't a prison with like jurisdiction this is just a place superman puts people he doesn't like maybe i annoyed superman so much he was like don't tell anyone i ever did this and put me in the phantom zone and then i'm looking out of that plane of glass at what's happening in the world. So why is this good? Yeah. Seems pretty chill in there. Don't get hassled by anyone. Aren't you in there with Zod?

Yeah. Well, I can hassle Zod. That's pretty good. But Zod's going to hassle you and yell about Superman. Yeah, but you never age in the Phantom Zone. Live forever in the zone. Yeah, look, live forever. Oh, yeah, in the zone. You know how we were saying we're dunking on me

because I just picked solitary confinement. You've picked infinity solitary confinement. He's picked infinite confinement with Zod and his cronies. Well, it's one of two. They'll grow to love me. When we come out of the fandom zone, when Zod and his crew are eventually released, I'll be part of the crew.

That's true. Or you'll come out with broken arms zone, when Zod and his crew are eventually released, I'll be part of the crew. That's true. Or you'll come out with broken arms and legs and a bloodied face. Superman, they didn't kill me. They just kept punching me. Put them back in the zone. Superman. I remember why I put you in the zone in the first place. What happens if you're square, you're living in shadows or whatever?

Oh, that's bad. Does Superman just rest that plane of glass up against a wall in his house in Smallville? I hope so. That's bad. Park Kent coming to move things? No, no, no, no, no. Just replace one of your windows with that

and then hope none of the neighborhood kids play cricket. You can look out of the Phantom Zone at the world. That's pretty good. It's like out of the Phantom Zone at the world. Yeah. That's pretty good. It's like a window to everything. I never age. I get to hang out with Zod. Do you have to eat?

I guess not. No. You can hang out with Zod, get to watch the world. There's ghouls everywhere. Or phantoms. That's why it's called the Phantom Zone. How big is the Phantom Zone? Huge. It's a desolate wasteland planet with a small window to the real world.

You've picked Mad Max. I have, but cold Mad Max. I thought it was just like you're in that one cube. I think it might be in Superman 2. So let's make a decision. Superman 2 Phantom Zone or

real Phantom Zone from the comic books? Your choice. It's your prison. Superman 2 Phantom Zone. Braves to pick the bad one. Put me in a cube that I'm looking out of there squished up there with Zod floating into space. That's good because then it's no longer a window to the world. It's just

a window out into that literal place that the cube is seeing, which is space. So nothing. However, you get to see the wonders of space because no other person, without the risk of dying. Because now you get to observe space as you float around. I have a question.

Sure. Zod. What about him? Any regular human beings ever been in the Phantom Zone? Not to the time we're on. Do you reckon there's oxygen in there? Because I don't think so. I'll hold my breath. Are you a Kryptonian? No, I'm me of. Do you reckon there's oxygen in there? Because I don't think so. I'll hold my breath. Are you a Kryptonian? No, I'm me, Jackson.

Superman was fighting Zod and I was reading a magazine, a dirty magazine, and crossing a road as Superman flung them into the Phantom Zone. Hey, that's good. It means I have a dirty magazine in space. Zod's going to hate you. He'll be sick of you pulling your presumably red raw dick. What else is there to do,

Zod? Come on. Rest! Let it heal! Zod just being angry. I wouldn't care if you took a break every now and then. I just constantly, every moment of every day, thwack, thwack, thwack.

Properly coming calm, which is crazy. Give me the magazine. Oh, if he tore that magazine up. That's all I have. To remind me of the real world. I just figured he'd use it for himself. But yes, I guess you could tear it as well. That's fair.

Does he have laser eyes? Yeah. Yeah, it disintegrates it. I'm trying to remember if you can actually physically damage each other in the Phantom Zone. Because if you can, then I guess I'll just snap my neck straight away. But if you can't die, is it that kind of thing where you're immortal in the Phantom Zone? I just know that you don't act. It could just be the time doesn't pass.

So it's like... If time doesn't pass, then yeah, you can't die. Yeah, but I might be able to have my neck snapped. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Is this a situation where like, because time stopped, like your body, so you get in between hot,

that thing of like in between. When they freeze, people are like, oh yeah, they'll be right. I shook my head. They're not all right. They're dead. I really like to imagine. Walt Disney is staying dead.

Cryogenically frozen? Yeah. Except cryogenically right. They're dead. I really like to imagine. Walt Disney is staying dead. Cryogenically frozen? Yeah. Except cryogenically freezing someone who's alive, I guess. Yeah. They do just die. Yeah. I really like. That's just murder.

Yeah. Or suicide if you press the buttons, I guess. Yeah. I really like to imagine like Zod and his crew getting into the Phantom Zone and they're like, oh, no, we've been trapped in the Phantom Zone. We've got to do something. And I'm like, no, we've been trapped in the Phantom Zone. We've got to do something. And I'm like, yeah, we've got to figure this out. Like, them not realising I'm there until I... Chime in with a plan.

What if we break the window to the world? Yeah, I'll smash it from the inside. Let me get a rock. We've just got to figure out how to open this damn window. There's no edges. Man, Zod, what's going on? Are there other inmates? Yeah, there's plenty of people in the Phantom Zone.

I got a whole crew to hang out with and denounce. You've got a list of the people in the Phantom Zone. It's busy. There's Va, Azrael, Bulgra, Darkseid ever been there?

Oh, my Lord. I feel like the Phantom Zone's a good place. Someone called Evil Man. Come on, DC. That's Jackson. I'm here. What's your name? I'm like, you know, Emperor Zod.

Oh, I'm Jack. Evil Man. Evil Man. He was sentenced to 50 Kryptonian sun cycles for using forbidden experiments to turn humans into weird bird-like monsters. That sounds like a Jackson crime. Great. Hey, the Toy Master.

Everybody comes to the Phantom Zone eventually. I like that. Hey, he's a non-Kryptonian. So yeah, he is a non-Kryptonian. I'm good, baby. I like that. He's a non-Kryptonian. So yeah, he is a non-Kryptonian. I'm good, baby. I'm brazy. A man called himself Evil Man and then turned humans into bad birds. That's the worst thing he could think of.

This is the most evil crime a man could commit. You could just murder. Bird man. I might accidentally leave a beautiful corpse. Bird man always ugly. This is what I want to do. Yeah. And eventually I'll get out of the fandom zone because everybody does.

That's true. Yeah. But how do they usually get out? They escape. Jackson. Yeah. I reckon if I put you in a room with a locked door, just a regular room, just a room that has a door.

And on the other side of the door, there's a chair against the door. You'd struggle to get out. Jesus. Yeah. Is there a history of this? Yeah, it was like a phantom, like a dimension that was found by Superman's dad or something. It was found by Jor-El as a humane method of imprisoning criminals because previously criminals were punished by being sealed into capsules and rocketed into orbit in suspended animation. Yeah.

With crystals attached to their foreheads to slowly erase their criminal tendencies. They were brainwashing them. Yeah. Doesn't that happen to Zod in Man of Steel? That's fucked. I really like- Yeah, because he's in a capsule and he comes down.

He's like, I'm back and I'm going to turn this into Krypton because I'm not charged. The Krypton blew up. That was rough to find out. Yeah. Zod gets out of the Phantom Zone then Oh yeah And look

No that's not the Phantom Zone I'm with you Jack Yeah Cause like again The inmates of the Phantom Zone Reside in a ghost like state Of existence For which they can observe

And can interact with The regular universe That sounds nice That sounds nice You're basically a ghost You've turned yourself into a ghost A ghost and eventually Zod

I'm not gonna figure out How to escape the Phantom Zone But Zod will And this is Yeah no I'm with you This is great And then Zod I'm not going to figure out how to escape the fandom zone but Zod will. I'm with you. This is great. And then Zod will continue on. He'll be like I figured a way out and I'll be like yeah we can finally get free. If being ghosts is a choice I'm changing my answer

to purgatory in Bill and Ted's bogus journey. If being ghosts is a choice I'm changing my answer to being a ghost. That's the best prison of all. Well purgatory is kind of a choice. I'm changing my answer to being a ghost. That's the best prison of all. Well, Purgatory's kind of a prison. Yeah, I suppose. I mean, I guess.

And you get out by beating Death at board games. That's pretty good. Oh, I get to play. Oh, that's sick. Hey, Death, we're playing Gloomhaven. Have you got a spare six years while we do this? Yes, I've got eternity. Also, I kind of sound like a Dracula.

Sick. That is true. Finally get to play all these board games. So do we land on purgatory as the best person? Yeah, because then you can beat death and then you get out and then that's fine. No one's ever done it. Get out to where, though?

Earth. Back to life. I wanted to go to hell. You can also do that. Done. Seances send you to hell in that world for some reason. Because that happens to Bill and Ted. That's a

strange reality. They're in purgatory. Then they go back to Earth like, we got this. I'll just go to my stepmom's seance and be like, hey, mom, I'm dead. And then she panics and she's like, ah, ghosts. And then banishes them to hell. Bill's scared of his grandma's kisses.

That's his hell. So it's less about the seance and the mom banishing them. I think I'm going back to the Phantom Zone. I'm staying in purgatory with death. I might crawl into the Phantom Zone myself. We'll leave Dusha in hell, I guess. I could also go to heaven. Bill and Ted get into heaven by bashing angels.

That's easy. They don't see it coming. I guess we'll just patiently observe from the Phantom Zone. And then when I get sick of being dead, I'll just be alive again. Wow. Once more, JT got by his own hubris. I don't think Doshar

answered the question right. On that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I'll live forever except for when I don't and then I'll just live again. That's not a prison. Death is a prison. I can just get out easy. It's simple. And I've been Joel also.

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