Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Sport Would Be the Worst To Spectate?

Episode Date: November 15, 2020

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SANS Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which fictional sport would be the worst to spectate? there's sports that are made up for things and that's sick more sports in things is good and usually things that are made up are for nerds but sports are for jokes yeah so it's clever to combine the two hit hit two markets. But here at Plumbing the Death Star, we've had a think. We've gone, hmm, actually, some of these sports would suck shit to watch.

Hmm. Hmm. Let me have a think. Hmm. These sports would be bad. Quick, hit record. This is gold Yeah, this episode spun out of our

Weekly Plumbing the Death Star meeting Where we were just having a think Okay So after having a think Alright, so Okay, sports that would suck to watch Now I'm going to put forward Pod racing

I know what you're all thinking But pod racing was the best bit know what you're all thinking, but pod racing was the best bit of Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace. Now, I'd be like, well, yeah, but you're probably not thinking of Duel of Fates or those sick duel lightsabers that Old Mate had. Yeah, he was cool. Previous had a cough.

He's a robot. Not Episode I. Not Episode I, but thank you very much for playing Jackson. He tried. Not Star Wars is the same. Game over. Not episode one. Not episode one, but thank you very much for playing Jackson. He tried. Bop-bop, game over. Meet his mic. So yeah, so pod racing, if you're not aware of it, I don't know anyone who wouldn't

be as it is a cultural phenomenon. Well, Zamit, let's just pretend hypothetically you're talking directly to Jackson for this, because clearly he doesn't know Star Wars. Imagine I doesn't know Star Wars. Imagine I don't know Star Wars. Let's add to that fantasy world. Okay, so here we are.

So what we want to do is we want to make F1 racing, but more and more dangerous. So what we want to do is we want to get some kind of alien creature or just like a folk, put him in a cockpit, strap some big jet engines to the side, and then just maybe the course is even set or just be like, here's the start and finish line. Go that way for a bit, and I guess come back to the end. We'll see you when we see you. So a lot of the, if you've ever played Pod Racing 64,

there are a lot of ways to get back to the starting line. So it feels like there is no set course. It's just kind of like go that way for a bit, loop back, and here you are. Sometimes we'll have the stadium set up, which is neat, I guess, to kind of watch it. Okay. I know as much about racing as i do about star wars

um but in a normal race that you watch is there not a stadium set up around every bit of the track so you're i think thinking of like a nazcar where it's a circle there is a stadium around a whole nazcar track a formula one there is parts of the track where like there might be a bend or something like that where it's kind of dangerous to have people as made famous in the final destination. Yeah, that's right. I'm referencing movies because wheels can come off and stuff like that and can kill members of the crowd.

But most of this, they will have high-rise stadium seating around bits of it, but not the whole thing. Yeah, because the only reason I bring it up is that it feels like in episode one, there's that one stadium where you get to see everyone line up, then everyone and you're like well we got an hour to kill or whatever till they come back yeah this is what i was kind of talking about it's just that yeah you

have that one stadium where you kind of like watch the fanfare of everyone like bringing out their sweet bikes and waving to the crowd and then they're off at least in say like you know f1 or any other sort of like uh racing situation where they do come through that sort of, like, start and finish line, there will be, like, a stadium. The cars, they're going fast, but you can see them. Yeah. In pod racing, they're going extremely fast. At a point where you can't see them.

Zooming by. Jackson, do you know what a marathon looks like? Like, if someone in the Olympics is running a marathon? Do you mean like, do I know what the guy doing the marathon looks like? No, because then I would have asked if you know what a run looks like. And presumably you've seen someone run in real life before. I have, yes. Or at least in popular culture.

I've seen a Tom Cruise film, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know how on a marathon track there'll be parts where they're just running on the road through a forest and there's be parts where they're just running on the road through a forest and there's no one? Racing car tracks have parts like that too. But you'll still be...

Is it not in episode one you see them go and then you see whoever didn't explode come back? And that's something I wanted to bring up as well. In pod racing, there's a good chance someone will explode. That's appealing to me. That makes it a good sport. Also, there is the good chance someone will explode. That's appealing to me. That makes it a good sport. Also, there is the time, like, you know, the Tusken Raiders will try

and shoot at the drivers, so I guess if there's other hostile environments that they're racing through, we might get... But then again, are we seeing that? Or are we just hearing the fact that, hey, did you hear that some Tusken Raider cunt shot Anakin's thing and it blew up? And I'm like who cares

Was it filmed I want to watch Hey Anakin Skywalker Is that a pro or Because seeing a kid die in a In like a pod racer Would elevate this as a sport for me If we're all in the crowd and I see Anakin Skywalker And I nudge you I'm like

That's just a fucking kid Oh my god best best day ever. Is that a little boy? Are they in Little Boy's race now? What the fuck? I thought that's a little boy. He's a child. Are any of those aliens also Little Boys?

Is that Sebulba? Is he actually like a child in the Sebulba race? Excuse me, and I put my hand up. Hey, hey. How many of you were little boys? None. What? But that one is.

What about that actual little boy? Yeah. I don't know. I'm an alien. I don't know. He might be. Hang on. I'm coming down there.

You're like Jackson. No, no, no. Hi, so I'm an alien. What is a little boy? I don't know what you mean. That kid is a little boy? So is that a race of aliens? In a way.

So how does this, like, work? And then I do the Gungan Jar Jar Binks thing where my tongue gets zapped by the thing between the two boosters. People hated this part in the film. I thought it was funny. And I sit down on the track and have a nap. That's good from your perspective in the crowd. You're like, what's he doing?

Oh, he's gone over. He's yelling. Oh, he's licking the little bit of electric. Oh, he's having it up. He's talking him out. And now Sebulba is running him over. He's now a paste. Good.

Hey, I don't think he actually does this, but how easy is it to imagine Sebulba smoking cigarettes? Oh, so easy. With his feet, right? Does he? On a big cigar? Maybe. Yeah, like, I've thought about this for so long

that maybe it actually does happen. I think Sebulba smokes a cigar in Star Wars. His horse lips around the end of it. I can picture that. Yeah, no, I think he does. If he does it, you have successfully implanted a memory. Yeah, me too. I'm going to win the race, Anakin Skywalker.

That's what he says when he puffs a cigar. Hey, watch me. Well, yes, it's like a fun sport to potentially watch in that sense of like, hey, yes, the potential death of a little boy, and Tusken Raiders shooting at folk, and no matter what else happens, like, hey, that Podracer can shoot fire out of its side. I mean, is there any kind of chance of modifying Podracer yourself by like, say, duct taping a lot of, say, lightsabers to the side?

You could. You press a button and off you go. It seems like the aforementioned child involved. It seems poorly regulated. And the fact that Sebulba's vehicle has jets of flame at the side. It feels like you could do basically anything in a Podrace, which to me is appealing. To me, this seems like racing

better. It's like real life wacky races or real life Mario Kart in a sense, where you can just kind of really go ham at your enemies. But it comes back to my point of can you even witness this? If you can't see it, it's not worth it.

Was there any cameras that are hovering around the pod races? I don't remember it. Me's not worth it. That's true. Was there any cameras that are hovering around the pod racers? I don't remember it. Yeah, me neither, so it didn't happen. Just to help your argument a little bit, Joel Zammett, from my memory of episode one, which is probably shaky at this point, but significantly better than Jackson's,

Sevalba has flamethrowers in his pod racer, but it's illegal. It is illegal, yeah. He's cheating. And when the Tusken Raider shoots the pod racer, it's illegal like it is illegal yeah he's cheating and when the tuscan raider shoots the pod racer everyone's caught about it so i guess it's like street racing rules where there is rules and you can like get disqualified but okay okay now looking at wookipedia they do have hollow glide j57 cam i hate when we go to Wikipedia, guys. It's always just numbers. Well, I went to Wikipedia

to find out my Sebulba fact and I was just greeted with a massive photo of Sebulba and that actually ruled. Did you just Google does Sebulba smoke a cigar? I Googled

does Sebulba smoke cigarettes? I think he does smoke a cigar, though. Yeah. Showing us that beautiful picture of Sebulba. Oh, he's great. I love Sebulba. He does smoke a cigar though. Yeah. Showing us that beautiful picture of Sebulba. Oh, he's great. I love Sebulba. He looks like a horse fish. He does.

That's sick. Yeah. So again, my view of pod racing was like a lot of the cool stuff happens, but doesn't happen like it happens off camera. You don't see it. But if you do, if you are seeing it, I might have to kind of maybe retract my statement because if you have a bunch of these HoloGlide J57 cam droids hovering around

and, I guess, live streaming straight to my space iPad, I think I'd have a good time with it. But then again, because they're going so fast, again, it depends how much death and destruction is there, you know? Yeah, very true, very true. Well, there's a commentator.

Let's not forget that. You get to hear things like, I don't care what galaxy you're from, that's gotta hope! Oh, this is great. Yeah. You get to hear Anakin say, now this is pod racing that's good and some

old baby smoke cigarettes yeah that's what you're nudging us as he comes by to get to his pod race so you're like dracony smoke cigarettes dude i'm like i don't know why do you care i think he does the people like racing in our world is sometimes you kind of like want to know about like the ingenuity of say like the team behind the pod race or the team behind the car yeah uh where it's just like oh yeah they're using their like you know we're gonna engineering skills to make it go really really fast yeah yeah blah blah blah uh i just think maybe that pod racing is a bit lawless yeah but is that a good thing see okay for me pod racing is becoming more and more appealing the more i think about it it's like we're strapping fragile maybe little boys to death

machines and rocketing them around a desert like that's like if you were like right now jackson we're gonna get kids we're gonna put them in cars with bricks on the pedal we're just gonna let them go do you want to watch i'd be like like, yes, sir, sign me up. Because initially I'm like, oh, because you kind of like those rules and regulations to kind of have the sport of it all to see what they can kind of do within that kind of framework of what they have to sort of

hit. But this is lawless and maybe I've come back around to it. Maybe you've got to forfeit, Zammett. Maybe you've got to forfeit because you picked a good sport. I think it'd be fun to watch because, yeah, like we can get little boys from all corners of the galaxy. Strap a little boy to a rocket.

Death machine rockets and send them off into God knows what. Because, again, there is no regulations here. There's no rules. We just have, hey, here's the start. Go that way for a bit. Come back when you want. And that have, hey, here's the start. Go that way for a bit. Come back when you want. And that's lap one, apparently. Who knows how many laps there are, but enjoy.

Plus the mafia is involved, like the mob, and that's pretty sick. Like I think Jeva owns the race course. Much like how the mafia owned the Carlton Football Club for a while. Yeah. Hey, is it the official position of Plumbing the Death Star that every pod racer is a little boy? Like, Sebulba in his race is a boy of ten

smoking cigarettes on the track. Good. I just needed clarification. Jackson, when you look at that horrible head that is Ben Quadranellis or whatever, are you not seeing a little boy? Yeah, every pod racer is a little boy. That every pod racer is a little boy that makes i that makes um uh pod racer the video game one of the only video games you know like you don't

normally get to kill a kid in a video game pod race is all dead children that's pretty cool plus you have also like you know where like you know the pit crew with little droid things i mean again that's that's fun to watch Pits droid are sick Yeah I fucked it I fucked it I picked a good one You got a four

You picked a goodie Plus you've got like All the different designs Of the pod racing Because there's literally No regulations It's very sick to see Because like right now

You're like yeah That's a car It's got four wheels And a windscreen Good I guess Exactly Imagine if some cunt Came out

And he's got like three jet engines strapped to the top and one wheel. We're like, where's he fucking going? It's kind of like mixing rockets with the Birdman rally. Yeah. It's good. Now this is sick. I've picked a good

one. You picked a good one. I know that Jackson's not on your side. No, you're not on your own side anymore. But I will say I have seen Formula 1 in real life and let me tell you, it's first of all, the loudest thing I've ever heard. Second of all, boring.

Well, yeah, I understand that. That's F1. Pod racing will be louder. Yes. But boring? No. Dusha, can you tell me the age range of the Formula 1 races, please? I believe Pod racing will be louder, yes, but boring, no. Dusha, can you tell me the age range of the Formula One races, please? I believe this. Quickly, just let us know the average age of a driver of a Formula One.

I don't actually know off the top of my head, but I imagine it's a sport where they're in their late 20s to early 30s. And how many little boys do you know typically like race in the F1? Just out of curiosity. Yeah. Because they don't have their driver's license. Do you think pod in pod racing is like alien for little boy?

Do you think it's little boy racing? Like if you're on that planet and they're like, do you want to go see the pod racing? But you're like from out of town so you think the pods are like the engines on the front. But no, it's like going seeing child boxing in Thailand. That's what you've done.

Oh, hell yeah. And you don't know alien races. So Sebulba looks like a grown ass man to you. But no, he's 10. I like that like racer means racer in all languages. But pod means little boy. Now this is little boy racing. Yippee!

When you get to the age of 13, you have to retire. Yeah, exactly. You're too old to fit into that pod. Nobody wants to see a 13-year-old race, but a little boy? Yes, sir. The idea is extinguishing potential. No one wants to see a man race. What if they die and hurt themselves?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, thank you. They probably have, like, you know, a family to feed and go back to. That's sad. Or a little boy. Oh, wow. Haven't lived long enough that it matters.

That's the official Tatooine motto. Okay, Zammet forfeits. Zammet's fucked it. I'm sorry, I cooked it. I cooked it. You had one job and you've just fucked it. But don't worry, I'm here to save the day with a sport that I have no doubt in my mind

would suck horrendous amounts of shit to watch live. And that is the one, the only Quidditch. Now, Quidditch does have the possibility of little boys dying but it's way less frequently plus there's magic so they can bring them back so who cares they have a lot of little boys falling and hurting themselves which it's fine i guess also uh so little so if we're looking at like i guess like professional level quidditch it's also not little boys they're adults adults. That's true. Good point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I guess, like, the kind of,

the equivalent of any sport. Like, yeah, sure. AFL comparing to Little League, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, yeah, if you're at Hogwarts and you're watching Quidditch, like, yeah, you might watch your son's best friend die or whatever, and that's, I guess, pretty cool.

Why am I an adult or a student? Sorry, you're... If I'm not watching my... Why would I be... I, a parent of a kid at Hogwarts, I don't think I'd be going to the Hogwarts game because isn't it being played during school time? Or am I just like...

I have a wizard job I have to go to and neglect my family for. Or am I like a Harry Potter version of I'm too young to be pregnant or whatever? I'm like a dad too early. Is that what you're saying, Dusha? No, I just meant like I assumed that it happened on the weekend

and you could go watch your kids play. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I think you can. Do they show many parents watching their kids in good old Harry Potpourri? Also, if I'm a teen dad, my kid's not old enough to play Quidditch, dude. Think. Yeah. Oh, no. I'm like six or whatever, you know?

Well, that comes back to it. So, like, your six-year-old son too young to die playing Quidditch. I mean, not too young to die playing Quidditch, but won't be playing. He's the perfect age, actually, for that. A plunger will get the job done. Don't you worry about that. At six, your skull is probably still too fragile to recover from. Get him in the broom.

He's got a soft patella. He'll be great. Mr. Bailey, we're going to ask you kindly to leave. The golden snitch just, like, slamming into that kid's forehead, making a big indent, just pushing it in like a hot knife through butter. Mr. Bailey, you are an adult. I'm too young to be a father! Yeah, anyway.

I have no responsibility! But yes, professional level Quidditch, like the Quidditch World Cup, sure. Yeah. So it seems fun and whatever, because like, ah, like lots of balls, so like it's hectic. The more balls, the better, dude.

That's why we like pinball. Yeah. Yeah. Well, pinball, good. Multi-ball and pinball, the best. Yeah. That's why we like pinball yeah yeah well pinball good multi-ball and pinball the best yeah that's top tier pinball if that happens to be in pinball i turn to whoever i'm playing with and i'm like it just went up a notch guys oh my god that is like pinball is probably the best example of like one thing just like just that notch it just goes so hard. Like, wow. I remember, do you guys remember Time Zone?

Yeah, of course. Every day. Do you remember Time Zone parties? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So it was like a thing where it was just like, you know, yeah, the general public were there, but you had a little thing, and the guy came around and was like, oh, you want to play this game for a bit?

Oh, here you go, like 20 credits or whatever, go ham. I remember doing that to a pinball thing and being like, yeah, like 20 credits or whatever, playing one game of pinball and being like, not like not for me and leaving and then getting a little bit in trouble by the guy who was like what the fuck why didn't you keep playing the pinball it's like 20 credits and then like now people are playing pinball for free what the hell that's you're a man of the people you're a pinball robin hood dude socialist hell. Not care for pinball in the slightest. See, this will come as no surprise to anyone, but I fucking love pinball. Hell yeah.

It's good. I'm a pinball wizard, baby. Hell yeah. Like that song. Yeah, just like the song. Just like that one. Yeah. So Quidditch, there's a few reasons why I think this would suck shit to watch.

Okay. So I did start addressing the positives, but fuck that. let's just get to why it would suck shit yeah first of all there is and it's right off within harry potter to just have things that actually ruin things like just law that's written into harry potter that means that certain things suck shit one of them is the golden snitch in quidditch is the only way the game ends yeah sometimes that's and the snitch is released at random i believe the snitch chooses one to go and there's like records that there was games that went for like six days before the snitch was caught also if the seekers don't see the snitch like the snitch can just go away which is another thing even though it's in an oval kind of but up like it's

above an oval i guess yeah you can just leave the game area is wherever because you're on flying oh they've just gone the match is happening elsewhere now yeah yeah also goals are there but they're they're players yeah i think as well at the most basic level neck strain like imagine you're sitting in the crowd the whole time, you get a tilt. That sucks. Oh, yeah. No, thank you. Terrible. It's real bad. Well, hang on, though. But you've got, in the World Cup,

all the spectators. Not the stadium, but the spectators. I don't know if you could call it still a stadium. The bleachers? But they're, like, hovering and shit. They're at at least, you know, like, up on their level. So the next race is not going to be too bad. Plus, kind of like with pod racing, you'll have people filming.

Like, can they film it? Because magic doesn't work around electronics. Also. So you can't watch it on a Jumbotron. This sucks! Yeah, no. Also, the point of a stadium, it's designed in such a way that you're looking down so if i'm on the same playing field as the players i can't actually see the

whole quidditch pitch can i yeah it's like being in the front row of a yeah that's not a stadium currently yeah not fun to see some plays maybe run by but yeah ultimately not the best view yeah sure you'd see goals and whatever and yeah like the bludgers and the beaters and stuff like that you think that oh my god there's balls that are trying to kill these grown boys but because it's magic it means like someone gets hit and they fall off their broom you're like wow that's gonna be a splat but no because someone there's no consequence really is there it's meaningless look i i kind of look the idea of like hey there's a lot going on.

So that could be in its positive, because you're like, hey, there is so much going on. It is the perfect game for, like, you know, someone with ADHD, because they always happen to follow along. But that's not necessarily a good thing when you're trying to pay attention to the sport. Also, the whole idea of, like, you know, the golden snitch, you get like 100 points or whatever.

150, I believe. 150 points. So, yeah, you're watching these people like maybe, you know, throwing the quaffle into the hoop and they're scoring a 10 or a 5 or 1 point, whatever it is. And then some like weedy cunt just grabs the golden snitch and suddenly they've done nothing all game and they've just picked up this one thing and you're like,

oh, so the whole thing that I've been doing for the last hour cheering on people scoring goals is meaningless and pointless. Yay. And also the fact is there is so much going on that even if I could see everything happening, I am missing a lot. It's very, very kind of frustrating. It's like paying attention to like what's happening in like

fall forward, but kind of like, oh, you know, the people, the wingmen are having a punch on. So I've got to pay attention. So almost every sport is designed or like is played in a way where you are able to watch the game. You're able to see what's going on. Because the action is in one place. Yeah. That's what's good about us. even things like football like zamit just referenced say

like a punch on starts off the ball you will still by the way that the stadium is designed or the way that we watch sport you'll be able to see it and you'll be able to be like oh okay i can see that yeah i can also see where the ball is quidditch there's too much stuff and no jumbo screens and stuff like that also zamet i'm glad you mentioned quaffles because another thing that i think would suck to watch is it's embarrassing to say any of the words associated with quidditch they all suck shit may i just be the first to say all of the names cunt shut up Shut up. Quaffle, golden snitch. Bludger. Bludger's all right, because it reminds me of kicking it sweet in school.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, it reminds you of bludging. What was your bludging? You know, it was kind of nice. That's cool stuff. Give one to the government. Yeah. Give your best one to the government.

Suck shit, government. Yeah. Why would you rename them then, Dusha the fucking i guess like the ball cunt yeah gold the ball the ball the ball softball yeah goal ball angry ball winning ball done just call them all the quidditch ball and then when they're like he found the quidditch ball and i'm like which one you're like the good one cunt shut up and i And I'm like, which one? You're like, the good one, cunt. Shut up. And I know that the snitch has been found.

You're right in that there is so much happening at once. It's kind of been like, okay, what do we love? We love AFL. So let's have a game of AFL. But you know what it's missing? A net and a couple of players playing badminton. So just chuck that in the middle of the ground. That would be fucking sweet. What else do we want?

Little boys playing hide and seek? Chuck them on the field. Let them go. It's also all a game of Scarecrow Tiggy. The whole thing is also a game of Scarecrow Tiggy. It just feels like it's a game designed by a committee that no one knew what they wanted

or everyone knew what they wanted, which was completely different from the person next to them. they all came in with their own agenda and they were like what about this game like yes what about this game i think it's also a bummer because in the world of like witches and wizards it could be so much cooler imagine a sport that's like a contact sport where you've got to transfigure each other into animals or whatever yeah so you're watching people run along the field becoming pumas and owls. I don't know how you win, but I think that would be sick to see.

It doesn't matter how you win because it's just sick to be there. It's just sick to see a puma eat an owl and be like, they were both guys. Fucking hell. That's brutal. Snape has McGonaghy in her belly.

Wow. Fuck, this sport isaghy in her belly. Wow. Mark, this sport is actually the fucking sickest. Huh. That motherfucker turned into a bear. Now he's eaten the commentator's ears. When Snape eats McGonaghy as a cat, being like, Snape has McGonaghy in her belly, just shows, like, Jackson, you designed this sport

and you're not paying attention. Whoa. That was McGonaghy in his belly. It just shows, like, Jackson, you designed this sport and you're not paying attention. Whoa, that was McGonagall in his belly. What are you saying? Snape's eating McGonagall, dude. Damn. It's also good to imagine I've invented this sport and I'm, like, showing it to you and there's just animals eating each other

and you're like, how do you win? And I'm like, oh, turn around and look at the destruction. Well, gosh, I don't know. Well, every game the audience wins. Do you not feel happy? Jackson, I feel a bit sick. They were both, they were guys and now one is a, I think some of them are real animals. Well, look, that's even, there you go.

I mean, look, it's not ethically great but sure you have like cat fights with mcgonigal as a cat and a cat yeah the ultimate question but it's a fight can a cat with a human intelligence defeat a cat with a cat intelligence well does it give us the upper hand so things like like sports and involve animals uh, I'm happy to say a blanket statement. Less than ethical. Yeah. Cruel and unethical. But animals can't consent.

Can't fight, but they're both wizards. Yeah. Oh, my God, that rules. You can have legal. Have a flutter at the dogs where every dog is a wizard. Yeah. So all of a sudden. That's sick.

Yeah. But instead, no, let's fucking... Instead of reinventing dog fights, but it's chill because the dogs are people and they're consenting to this fight. Yeah. Instead, you've got fucking Quidditch. Yeah.

Good one. Good, great. Because we could have just had, like, horses racing pumas, racing leopards racing a dog, and they're all just wizards. That'd be kind of cool. But instead we got this hot garbage.

You know how you've always wanted to see a gorilla fight a horse to see who would win? Every day of my damn life. You could find out because the horse has such powerful kicking power, so much force, but the gorilla's clever and it has opposable thumbs, you know?

Do you ever remember this, like, terrible TV series which was like Man vs. Beast or whatever it was? Yeah, I remember Man vs. Beast. Back in, like, the 2000s. And they just did, like, the dumbest shit. I remember one of them being like, who's the best at hanging? An orangutan or an Olympic-level gymnast?

And they just had an orangutan and a gymnast hanging by a bar the orangutan lost because it got disqualified because it didn't know the rules so it just started playing didn't know it was in a competition really it just was like I am an orangutan and that's cool

please stop destroying my home it's sick to be me I hate palm oil I'm an orangutan. How is everyone? Just hanging here. That guy's hanging too. Don't know why. Oh, I've stopped hanging and people are doing air horns.

I don't know what's happening. I don't know I lost. I'm an orangutan. Because in the same show, they had a camel race a relay of little people. Why? I do not know. This show feels like it was invented by people that had been in a boxing match prior to the meeting. That's like real fucked in the head hours.

I'm super concussed. Let's go pitch our ideas. I don't understand what they were trying to prove in literally any of these man VBs, but at least it was withers. Everyone's consenting. Yeah, you're right, Dusha. It's crazy.

We had Quidditch when we could have all been in stadiums watching a gorilla tear a horse's head off. That could be us. That could be us. That's just spitballing ideas they've got access to all kinds of magic that we don't even know about or care and they and they invented quidditch i know it's disgusting it's boring it's dull who cares i know we're all on the same page when it comes to the creator of quidditch uh jk rowling but it should have been obvious pretty early on that she

is a loser with a bad brain yeah quidditch is the best thing that they could bring to the table. Fucking hell. You have a race with flying brooms. At least you can fucking watch it. You have three games right there. You have four. You have the race of brooms. You then four. You have the race of brooms. You then just have basically basketball but on brooms.

Just that alone is kind of cool. You then have chasing a snitch, which is just like a weird hide and seek game. It's the shit bit, but apparently it's the most important bit. So there's one. And then you just have basically hidden folk with a stick whilst on a broom. That's kind of like road rage, but with wizards. And that's all right.

I mean, why don't you have a wand and you could be, hey, wizard drooling's a thing. Why not that on a broom? Right there's pretty good. What about fucking American gladiators but it's on brooms remember that tv show everyone's american gladiators but it's fucking wizards you're like i don't know i gotta roll in a big ball attach yourself with your wand i am the big ball what about wizard jackass my only cultural touchstone of recent. Okay, now that we're all

getting on up Wizard's ass here, think about the fucking tournament. Triwizard Cup. There we go. What did they have? They got like fighting a dragon. I mean, no, they didn't even fight a dragon. That would have been cool. Steal an egg. Steal an egg from a

dragon. Do you know how easy that is to do from a supermarket every single day? I could steal an egg from a dragon. Do you know how easy that is to do from a supermarket every single day? I could steal an egg from a supermarket every day of a year without getting caught, I reckon. If you did get caught, they'd be like, who cares? Why are you taking one egg? You could have the egg, dude. Who cares?

You don't have stealing people from merpeople. Again, who cares? And then you have a maze yeah fucking hedge maze yeah we have hedge mazes when was the last time you had a good time at a hedge maze uh let me just think uh never they suck shit they're bad maybe wizards just are garbage individuals that don't know shit about fuck. Imagine if Harry Potter, instead of getting the note that said what dragon he was fighting, he unfurled it and it was a horse. And he's like, what?

And they turned him into a horse. And then he went out there and there was a gorilla and he was like, I understand instantly what this challenge is. That would have been a cinematic masterpiece. My God, I would have loved to see it. So I can't believe wizards have access to magic and they decide to do the worst shit with it. It's pathetic.

The most boring, mundane, dog shit shit. I'm so upset. Quidditch sucks shit to watch and sucks shit as a sport. It not only would suck to watch, it would suck to watch it would suck to watch and then be like i have access to a wand that can turn people into a cup and this is what we choose to whittle away our pastime with this hot fucking nonsense yeah whereas let me turn six people into ferrets and i'll chuck them down a goddamn tube and see which one is the quickest

i don't fucking know. Yeah, absolutely. Fucking wizard chess is more exciting because at least, again, the risk of life, you're stressed. Exactly. And little boys can play wizard chess. Yeah, that's gross. Can and should. Yeah, no, that sucks.

Yeah. Quidditch sucks. Quidditch is no good. Bad job, Wizards. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, did you know we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take BigSoftTitty.png, a show by award-winning comedians Tom Walker and Demi Lardner that is not for cowards. Are you a coward?

Then stay the fuck away from BigSoftTitty.png, you big piss baby. But if you're brave enough to listen, you'll be rewarded with horse music, the hidden secret of what one does with a cum egg, and too much teeth talk. Just search for BigSoftTitty.png, all one word, no spaces, on iTunes or Spotify, or head to our website, SandsPantsRadio.com. Okay, well, I want to put forward Thunderdome as the worst sport to spectate. You know Thunderdome, two-man until one man leaves, the most basic principle of a sport ever. In a dome.

Okay. So is it boxing in a dome? No. So imagine a dome like a jungle gym, okay? Yep, done. So like, yep. And then inside that, two-man enter, like I said. I don't know if i made that

clear and then the idea is that one man leaves yeah those two men are one man has to live in the thunderdome one man sets up shop the other man gets to go um thunderdome is in a dome and uh the dome is like i said like a jungle gym so it's kind of got struts and the two men who enter the thunderdome for eventually only one man to leave attach themselves by bungees to the top and then they each pick a weapon and they bungee around like a baby romper or what do you call that baby on no what do you call the baby romper? Up and down baby? Baby Bjorn? No. Up and down baby.

I know up and down baby. Anyway, so the up and down baby, they jump around like that, attacking each other with their weapons. And the only way to view the Thunderdome is to climb onto the dome and look in. I don't know why these people in the post-apocalyptic society weren't like,

what about an arena? They were like, no, no no i just don't think many sports are good from above you know look fair but look in their credit if you had an arena how would you have the baby up and down well do you need the baby up and down is my question what is that too i mean yeah because if you have say a big scythe or whatever, and you leap forward and you try to attack, but then you have the opposite reaction of like, now, well, because, you know, baby go forward, now baby go back. And that's fun to watch.

Baby go back. Yeah, no, that's fair. I think the main thing that I would be stressed about is that to see Thunderdome, because you're not sitting in a seat, you're like climbing on the outside and they're leaping around with chainsaws. It's just very easy to imagine getting a chainsaw to the face. Isn't that, as a spectator who doesn't get a chainsaw to the face, exciting and fun to watch? I mean, I suppose. I would like to see, because that would be like an awe moment, watching someone get chainsawed on the outside of the Thunderdome.

But if it came for me, I wouldn't be awe. I would be awe, no. Oh, yeah, but then me next to you would be like awe. I'm dead. You're so rude. Well, you don't know that. You can't hear us go awe, because all you hear is and you're screaming.

And then nothing. Then nothing. Then nothing, because all you hear is, and you're screaming. And then nothing. Then nothing. Then nothing because there is no heaven. That's why. I'm just in the empty stillness of forever. As the chainsaw rockets out the back of my head, you two look at each other over my guts and brain, and you're like, that sucks because there is no heaven for him to go to.

Yes, I concur. But that ruled because that was a great thing to see and it would make the, oh, I'm fine. But, yeah, it's like, yes, you're right in that as a spectator there is an added risk. Yeah. But does that not make it exciting? Okay, possibly, but may I critique the fact that there is only one rule

and that's that two men enter and then one man gets to leave? That's just not very complex. Well, no. I mean, if you look at like, all right, so let's take AFL again. It's like, okay, there's like one rule. You have to kick the ball to your end of the goals, right? That's the kind of basic premise because there's more than one rule of Thunderdome. There is baby go up and down.

That's an important rule. And there is pick a weapon. So you have to strap yourself into the baby go up and down. You have to pick a weapon. There are already rules that exist here. I assume you, yeah. I've just been tricked by the Thunderdome marketing where that's what they yell before every fight.

You're basically thinking that, oh yeah, the one rule of wrestling is let's get ready to rumble. That's not even what does that even mean? It's not a rule. Hey guys, wrestling's so simple. Let's get ready to rumble. That's it.

You just gotta get ready to rumble. That's it. I want the announcer of the Thunderdome to be like, there are three rules in Thunderdome. One, one two-man enter, one man leaves. Two, baby go up and down. Three, pick a weapon. And I'm like, that's more of an instruction than a rule, but okay.

In fact, I don't think any of it. I think the only rule is one man leaves, technically. I guess two men enter is also a rule. You can't have a three-way Thunderdome, huh? And then I get the chainsaw through my hair. And then nothing. Because there's no heaven. What about this as a critique of the Thunderdome?

I think it's the way we settle disputes in this horrible wasteland society. That seems pretty bad, because what I like about most sports is that I won't have to do them if I make a mistake. If I fuck up in this society, they're not like, Jackson, get out on the footy pitch, mate.

You're an AFL star now. Oh, no. That's less a critique about the sport and more of a critique about the society That sounds like a wasteland criticism Something you're famously against Yeah And I do like the fact that in the

Bardertown of Mad Max 3 with the Thunderdome is most of their rules Are rhymes because I've just Recalled the rhyme break the deal Spin the wheel which If you break a deal in Bardter Town, they make you spin a wheel. Two men answer, one man leave. Not a rhyme.

Maybe I commend Barter Town and the simplicity of the way they describe things. I know how this society works. What's written on the wheel? Is there anything there that's a sport that's bad to watch? No, it's just like punishments. I i'm gonna level with you you're fucked in here this is a fun thing to watch because like because again you might have a dispute so you'd be like oh sick i get to go in the baby up and down and have a weapon that's kind of cool yeah uh and then like if i win i that's great. I was correct.

But if I die, sweet release of nothing because I'm living in the wasteland and every moment is agony and pain. So this would be a sweet release. So either way, I'm going to have a good time. So in the critique against the wasteland society, I just don't think that's a good one. It's not on Thunderdome really, is it? In fact, it's a plus because also if you love the sport of the Thunderdome,

you could go in around and be constructing arguments for people. You'd be like, hey, Jeremy, I reckon that you could beat this, I don't know, Frodo over here in a game of cup and ball. What, Jackson? The Frodo in a cup and ball? Please fight me in the Thunderdome. Come on. I'm addicted to the dome.

I'm a dome head. I'm crazy for the dome. I like to imagine me trying to do that with you guys, being like, Jackson, here's your, I don't know, your meat. And I'm like, rat again? I hate rat. Better go to the Thunderdome. Why would we go to the Thunderdome? We know that

there's no heaven. Jackson, when I die I won't go to heaven or hell. I'll go to nothing. That's boring. I'll just cease to exist. That's existentially terrifying. Yeah. I can't watch a sweet game of Thunderdome if I'm nothing.

Yeah. So Jackson, I don't find it existentially crushing or potentially anything. I just find it boring. The concept, it upsets me because I don't like the idea of not doing anything. Yeah. It just sounds dull.

People will remember me all they want. Whereas a Thunderdome is a Thunderdome. And that's fine. That choice is theirs, not mine. Yeah. They can do what they like. I don't want to be eternally bored. So a Thunderdome, though, is interesting.

And yeah, no, look, it's again. Thunderdome kicks ass. It's sick as hell. I've wrecked it. It's extreme boxing. Imagine if you had a boxing match with chainsaw boxing, but everyone was strapped into a baby up and down. That would be sick as hell.

It's kind of like a combination of boxing, gymnastics, and wrestling because people have personas as well. There's Master Blaster who's a guy on another guy. So look, you can't have more than one guy enter hey that's true hey hang on hold on thunderdome that's two men that's two men well so maybe it sucks to watch because the rules are unclear yeah that's why i don't like thunderdome and again are you watching it because Mad Max is going in as an outsider and he hasn't grown up and understood the rules of Thunderdome?

It's kind of like when, again, anyone from overseas tries to watch a game of AFL, they have no fucking clue what's going on, even if you try to explain the rules, they don't know. So they figured, look, Max is one of them Jackson types, not clever. So let's instead just kind of dumb it down a little. So two men enter, one man leave, there you go. And he's

like, oh yeah, okay. And then he gets trapped into the baby up and down, has no idea what's going on, but he can figure it out. So I reckon there's probably a lot of rules that are happening. Mad Max just doesn't get a look. I will give you one thing, though. And this would make the Thunderdome shit to watch. If it wasn't the jungle gym set up

and it was a dome you couldn't see in, and you were on the outside. You could just hear what was happening inside. Two men entered and then one man left. You'd be like, oh, man. We were all the other men. I bet something cool happened, maybe, or they just set up shop. It's good to imagine I finally get in the Thunderdome

and you just watch as I'm cleaved in Hoth's side like that. They're like, what weapon do you pick, Jackson? And I'm like, no weapon. I've got this. I'm using my wits and fists. I like that. And JD, like, he's fucking dead, man. That cunt's fucking dead.

He's done. You're fucking dead, cunt. You're fucking dead. You're my friend. Not anymore, cunt. We got good money on you dying in the first 15 seconds, mate. I'm going to eat rats forever, and I'm going to be fucking stoked. In this situation, rat meat

is good. I like to imagine they're like, what weapon? And I'm like, I'm agile. I'll rely on that. And the first thing I try and do is a somersault and he slices my ass right off. But like, at the high point of my somersault when my

ass is in the air he sucked it off and you're like that's his bum gone and you exchange five dollars or whatever because you knew this was coming well jackson i don't think you would pick nowhere but i think you'd pick something dumb like you're like i pick the shovel i'm gonna dig holes and set traps i'm going down everyone expects you to go up in the baby up and down but i'm going down in the baby up and down, but I'm going down in the baby up and down. Sliced off arse, somehow still. He doesn't realise that once he goes down, he's gotta go back up. That's how the baby up Indian

works. I kept telling him, he's fucked. Dumb fucking cunt remembered baby go down, but not baby go up. Told him his arse was the most vulnerable part in his body. He didn't listen, the idiot. There's no leather on that. It's just exposed.

Dude, what if I need to shit quickly? Jackson, put an arse on your pants. No. This is one of the main disputes. We're going to have to go into Thunderdome about this. You know I'm going to cut your arse off, Jackson. No, you won't. In the heat of battle, that will not be

something that crosses your mind. I'm going in with it in mind, Jackson. I'm just going to do it. I'm going to cut off your arse. I will. Put an arse on your pants. I'm telling you right now that my first movie is going to go

for your arse. You won't think your ass. You won't think about it. You won't think about it, dude. You're not going to think about it. I've got my shovel. I'm gigging down. You're going to go up. When you go up, I'm going to slice your ass. It's great to imagine me in the midpoint of my somersault,

my ass so exposed. You just, like, give, like, a frustrated shrug. What did I fucking say? Okay. I'll chop his ass off. Okay, cool. Look. Just screaming and looking at you so shocked.

How did you? What did you do? Why did you cut my ass? That was my least expected thing you were going to do. My whole strategy is shot now. Did your strategy rely on you having a full arse? Yes! Can I get out?

Can I have a do-over? My arse just resting so gently in the dirt. Perfect. Well, it's good also because then two men come out, you hear yelling about an arse, and then one man leaves with an arse still and you're like something went down and I'll never know. Something bad happened in the Thunderdome

today. That would be great to watch. Yeah, I guess I forfeit too. You look, okay. Which was the only bad one? We fucked it. Well, the good news is, Jackson, after your fight there'd be four rules to Thunderdome. Alright, g'd a cunts.

You got fucking two men go in, one man comes out. Second, baby go up. And yeah, baby go down. Third rule, pick a fucking weapon. Fourth rule, cover your ass. Have an ass on your pants, okay? It's great as well to imagine, like, whoever was fighting me there having my ass hanging over the fireplace of their waist like a trophy like the head of a box be like told him told him that first

one of my first victories in the thunderdome i had i had an argument you just have a plaque underneath that says hubris that That's under the arse. Jackson, how come you don't sit down anymore? Oh, I survived. They let me out. They had to make an addendum that was like two men had to one man leave or two men had to two men leave if one of them has had his arse cut off. Two arses into one arse leaves. Makes sense. And on that note, I've been Joel

I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel And I guess we can all clearly say that Quidditch is dog shit, sucks shit Pod racing and Thunderdome They're sick as hell dude Cover your arse everyone, it's important Keep that arse protected Put an arse in your pants Thanks for listening

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