Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Teacher Would Make The Worst Real Life Teacher in Real Life?

Episode Date: May 20, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Which Fictional Teacher Would Make The Worst Real Life Teacher in Real Life?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sants Pants Radio. Go to sleep. The whole dirty mess starts in Edinburgh for Edinburgh Fringe, where we'll be performing four shows across two weeks, so get in fucking quick or risk having to wait till next time like a Susan come lately. Want to know if we're going to come to your town? That's fine. Just head to sandsmanceradio.com forward slash live to see where we're going and grab your tickets. London shows haven't been announced yet, but rest assured they're awesome. Tickets are going like fucking gangbusters so grab yours now hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like which fictional teacher would make the worst real life I'll go straight off the bat because I've already been thinking long and hard about this and delayed the start of the episode by about 20 minutes so I could have the perfect answer. It better be good.

It's not. So, full disclaimer. Yeah. He is a teacher and a mentor, but I don't think he has a teaching degree He is shown as a teacher often In the franchise he appears in But he's small and green and gives terrible advice

It's Yoda I don't know if he I mean he does teach the younglings He teaches a lot He teaches a lot He counts as a teacher I'm pretty sure they call him Master Teacher Yoda Teach

They call him Teach Yo Teach Hey Mr. Y Mr. Y which star is this It's the one we're in war Anyway I have a lot of qualms with him Obviously

First of all his advice is terrible Do not there is no try Anyway. Yeah. I have a lot of qualms with him, obviously. First of all, his advice is terrible. Do it, do not. There is no try. Don't try. Either do it or fucking don't. They're good. Try.

Bad. Kill your dad. What is the advice he's saying there? Do it or do not. There is no try. If he's saying that to me, I'm like, do you give me two options? Do or don't. I get the point of the message and actually it's funny because it used to be in a motivational poster at my high school that's funny

because he's talking about the force so it's a bit different but it's sort of just like yeah no you can explain it it's chomping at the bit i'm hungry i might really get this out It's basically Never kind of have it in your mind That you will fail So it's kind of about being positive thinking That's just not what I get from that And also it's the force So it's sort of like don't even consider the fact That you can't do this or you'll try your best

Just do it You know Nike Nike isn't just try it Just do it You be Yoda, Nike. What do you think? Hang on. Let's do it. Nike isn't just try it. Just do it. You be Yoda or I'll be Luke. We'll have the conversation. I'm Yoda? You're Yoda.

I'll be swamp gases. Thanks, swamp gases. This is a gassy swamp, Yoda. Do or do not. There is no try. What do you mean? Lift the X-Wingwing you will not try your best do it

just I just gotta lift the x-wing that's what you say I hide this gassy swamp can barely hit you with the gas terrible atmosphere Dagobah has. It's a wonder my human lungs can breathe it in, frankly.

Shocked as am I, I am. Shocked as am I. I am shocked as am I. That's how that sentence would go normally. Make fun of my language, you will not. Yeah, I hate it here. I'm gone. Do or do not not there is no try

it's just a confusing sentence either go or don't shut the fuck up otherwise fucking around stop fucking around you are no time for it I have fuck me and Yoda are just giving each other

grief hey Jackson I have. Fuck, me and Yoda are just giving each other grief. Hey, Jackson. Yeah? Kill your dad, you must. Oh my god, shut up. Go away. You're always leaving your gross little brown robes everywhere. They'd be so, like, filthy.

Get your X-Men out, you must, if you wish to leave. You do it, Yoda. Come on. Give a shit I do not. Back to bed I will go. I imagine Yoda bathing in swab and grosses me out. Make me die

of old age, you will. I feel like he just kind of airs out. Yeah, he does sound like he has he just kind of airs out. Yeah. He just has an air bar. Nude in the doorway. Yeah. Yoda, put some pants on. Make me, you will not.

I'm not trying. It's very funny to imagine me as Luke and I just don't do it and Yoda dies. That was coming eventually. And one day I'd wake up because I wake up late and it just would be closed where'd he go shit did he go for a skinny dip how am i gonna get that message to han solo noise fuck this so yeah look not a great teacher yeah uh so let's just bring him into the real world so all right let's let's let's okay um wayward world. So, all right. Let's... Okay. Wayward youth. He's a troubled teen.

He's being like, oh, look, let's call him... Trecklin. Yeah, sure. Trecklin. Little Trecklin. Like, hey, Trecklin, he's had a pretty bad life. I just want to... So your go-to little boy name was Trecklin. Some wires crossed in my head.

I went Trent and Declan. I thought for some reason you were trying to make a funny joke about Star Trek. And got stuck. Trecklin! My brain just stopped working. Star Trek and Franklin the Turtle. Yep.

Done. Trecklin. Treck Franklin the Turtle combined. Done. Treklin. Treklin the Turtle. Yeah. Little Gosmer. He's like, hey, why can't I think of normal names right now? Treklin Gosmer.

Comes to Yoda and Yoda's office. The principal is like, right, as you can see, look at the report card of Treklin Gosmer, and he's just failing. He's just failing. Yeah, it's rough. He's probably got a rough home life, you know.

His mum's working two jobs. Don't know where his dad is. May I'm like, I've heard from some of his mates that he's on that wacky tobacco. Yeah, sure. Let's bring in Yoda to kind of help this wayward youth to get on the straight and narrow. Sure.

And maybe to convince him to join a drama club. Is that what a teacher does? I don't know. You guys weren't adding some input, so I just kept talking. You were going so strong. You didn't need us to help. Yeah, you were porging your own path.

Is this drowning man in need of a paddle? Nah. He's swimming! Has he sunk yet, Susha? A bit. But I'm sure he's just doing a bit. Because what does Yoda

teach? Say every- No, no, no. Geography. No, I was gonna say Zammert's on the right path and then he just fucked it. Yeah. He would be like a school counselor sort of thing. Oh, yeah. Well, teaching fucking... Oh, okay, yeah, no, I can see why that got hard.

Yeah, Yoda, he just teaches... Couple of drowning boys. Yoda, the greatest teacher of... I'm a ganker, ganker, ganker! I'm just like everyone at home just pause the podcast and be like Yoda he's a great teacher of and then just try and flow the sentence without thinking about it you will hit a wall very hard

force things history the world space not English let's think about the things that's so annoying. Yoda, talk normal. You can.

You know what you're going to say before you say it, so you're going to flip it. That's the weirdest speech impediment in the world. How did he learn English wrong like that? I don't understand. Refuse to learn, I do. Oh, that's great. I do refuse to- Yeah, no, that makes sense.

Anyway. Yeah, let's try and think about the teaching moments. Let's just circle back, because I think this is a good way to play it out. Let's just put him in the school counselor role while we all try and work through the brain hemorrhage of trying to figure out what he would actually teach. Well, I'm just trying to think,

what does he teach in science? Because I remember him teaching the younglings, and he's showing them planets. Geography. He's like, where is this? It's star maps. Maps. Geography and history would probably, where is this? It's star maps. Maps. Geography and history would probably be two things. Religion.

Oh, yeah. Kind of. Religion. School councils are often religious teachers, so it sort of makes sense. But he's that kind of religious teacher that's actually not teaching all religions. He's teaching the force. When are we going to learn about Catholicism, Yoda? Nope. Having gone to a Catholic Catholicism, Yoda? Nope.

Well, having gone to a Catholic high school, that's basically what you do. You don't really learn about other religions. Religious education is whatever. Every religious education... I mean, actually, I've never been to a Catholic high school, but every religious education I've ever had has been multiple religions.

Yeah, because you went to a state school. But are we saying that Yoda's teaching at a force high school? He's teaching at a Jedi temple. Yeah, I suppose. I suppose that's kind of a high school. That's like if I was teaching at a Catholic church. Would you expect that school to be Catholic? I suppose, yeah. If I'm teaching at a Buddhist temple?

I do like the idea of him coming in and being like... Am I teaching in hell? Satan? We're a Catholic school, Yoda, so you need to teach the teachings of Jesus Died for our sins he did Yep got it in one Got it in one

The best joke The obvious joke there is Yoda's really against it Yoda being really forward It's very funny Respect other religions we must What did you do Walked on water? Yeah, that's a force power.

Neighbor love thy. Covet thy neighbor's ox, you should not. Imagine trying to take notes in a Yoda class. What did he say? I have to decode every fucking sentence. No, no, no. You just have to, every note you would take would have to be on one line, and you'd start writing on the right-hand side of the page, and then jump to the left. Clever. Draw a margin in the middle. No, no, no. You just have to... Every note you would take would have to be just on one line and you'd start writing

on the right-hand side of the page and then jump to the left. Left. Draw a margin in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you have to deal with Yoda teaching you

religion. Teaching you Catholicism. Anyway. Or like, hey, whatever. No, I can... Depends what the job market takes him. That's true.

That's true. So let's get him as Treklan's school counselor. Yep. Who's going to be Trecklin? I guess I'll be Yoda, as this is my choice. All right. I'll be the principal.

Hey, it's me, Trecklin. Welcome to my office, you are. This is our lovely counsellor, Master Yoda. I've got a bad home life. He does have a bad home life. My house is full of ants. Parental status What is it like

I got three dads Solution I have Kill them all You must Alright Yoda What about the ants in my house There's too much sweets on the floor We feed the dog cake And he doesn't eat all the cake

and the ants come. Move to a swamp you must. Swampiest gases there are. Well I'm sold. Best summer ever. Closed case this is. Fixed the boy

I have turn to the dark side you must not bring balance to the force you will look some of your methods there is another from a certain point of view are the lines from the series I am taking

there's quite a number of people that we have father Luke I am taking. There's quite a number of people that we have. Father Luke, I am. Okay. Hold on, hold on. Father Luke, I am. I am Father Luke. Is that what you meant to say there, Yoda? Died for our sins, he did.

Catholic I now am. Yoda in like a priest's robe with the purple sash. It's a really good look. The green and the purple would clash. That's true. So, look, whilst your methods aren't orthodox, Master Yoda, you did get results. That's true.

Give a raise. Hooray, Yoda. Well done, Yoda. I imagine Yoda giving that advice to any child. I'm being bullied. Move to a swamp, bring balance to the force. Kill your dad. Kill your dad.

Okay. Oh, my grades are failing. Yeah, move to a swamp, bring balance to the force. Kill your dad. Okay, my grades are failing. Move to a swamp, bring balance to the course, kill your dad. Hide from the order 66, you must. I don't have a dad. My father passed. Yoda's just like, turns to the principal shrugs.

Yeah, I don't know. Balance to the force, he has already brined. I don't know. You're fine. Yeah, Yoda's pretty one track is, I think, the issue with old Yoda. Also, again, he's not a... He's also unreliable in the sense that he lies often. And he's not teaching.

Yeah, well, when Yoda's credentials are checked. And they're like, look, we've got to just check up on him. Where did you find this guy? The swamp, you say? He became kind of well-recommended by the Jedi Council. Is he the only Jedi Council member that turned to the craft to teaching? The craft. I know they say that only Sith deal in absolutes,

but a lot of Master Yoda's teachings Tend to be in absolutes That's true You know, he's like There is no You do or do not What's that, Yoda? Are those absolutes? That seems like absolutes

To me Just saying You know? Hey Yeah, look Yoda, Sith That's the takeaway here He did summon Force Lightning

Yeah When did he summon Force Lightning? As a dead boy I don't remember that In the last one He did summon Force Lightning? As a dead boy. I don't remember that. In the last one. He did summon Force Lightning. He is a Sith. Oh, my God.

As teaching goes, I don't think Master Yoda's a pretty good boy. Yeah, look, he's not performing terribly admirably. Like, first off, he's going to be confusing for at-risk youth, especially if they need someone to like give like really help them out uh the language barrier even though it is in english it's it's there it's it's it's the kind of thing where if he was teaching at my school i would be like look yoda it's we we love having you here but could you please just see a speech therapist or something it's just confusing for students they don't need that especially if kids are having to learning difficultly as well like imagine because, because in a school environment,

you're not just teaching your specialty. Yeah. Like, you might be a math and science teacher, but sometimes, you know, just to do with budget cuts and constraints, you're teaching, like, English. Yeah, absolutely. What if Yoda walks in and he starts trying to, like, you know, teach Romeo and Juliet?

Not going to go well. Yeah. I think it would be and Juliet Romeo. So many kids handing in their exams. On and Juliet Romeo. Wait, hang on. And Juliet Romeo. Romeo, Juliet, and.

That becomes Yoda talk is hard. That would be and Juliet Romeo. Shakespeare quotes. I'm like, I don't even want to do Shakespeare and Yoda right now. My brain can't handle it. Compare thee to a summer's rose, I don't even want to do Shakespeare Yoda right now, my brain can't handle it Compare thee to a summer's rose I shall Not to be or be

What? Huh? Not to be or be Fuck that Yoda fails F for Yoda Just because of pure annoyance Yeah

You've just Discrimination Instantly got him disqualified by you two I'm going to look past It's not about his speech It's the speech thing is a problem It's a big problem Do you hate that he's little too?

Not at all He'd be very good at drama. Would he? Because he acts like a dickhead. But he's really not. That is the key to being a drama teacher. Act like a dickhead. Or just like knowing how to...

Yeah, yeah. Teaching drama. Second, act like a dickhead. Well, I'm just saying, if he did a good job acting, he was like, ha ha, you just think I've got swamp brain, but I don't.

I'm very wise. Basically, if you're auditioning to be a drama teacher, the best thing to do is the Willy Wonka fall. Yes. They're like, tricked me. Best teacher there is. I just want a great joke. Thanks, man.

Rhyme back a bit. Audition to be a drama teacher. I don't know where that came from. Hi, I'm Joel Duescher. I'm auditioning here to be the maths teacher and scene. Take a seat, class. Today you'll be learning maths. Today I'm going to quickly take a very short monologue from Pythagoras' theorem.

Okay, so if you look at a triangle. This is just an excerpt from the syllabus. A squared plus B squared equals C squared. Is everyone doing okay? See, never ask if you're doing okay in the middle of an audition. You don't have the job. No, what are you doing? someone doing okay? See, never ask if you're doing okay in the middle of an audition. You don't have

the job. No, what are you doing? Everyone knows the trick to a job audition is, say, just ask me a question, and look how powerful this play is. What kind of question? Just, it doesn't matter. Where do you see yourself in five years?

First of all, great question. Oh, yeah, done. Compliment. I feel good and you're high. I'm not going to listen to your answer. You're high. Absolutely. First of all, great question. Second of all, fucking your wife.

Oh my God. You're high. Honestly, she needs it. As a power play to get a promotion. I will cock hold you for a promotion. As a man with ambition. Absolutely. That's a power play to get a promotion. I will cockle you for a promotion. As a man with ambition. Absolutely. That's a power move.

I'm going to take your dog to the vet. That's a cockle. And get him looked after. Not put down, raised right. I'm going to buy books for your child. I'm going to get your child a proper education. Take him out of this piece of shit school. Thank goodness someone's doing it.

I'm going to pay for his tuition. Hell yeah. I'm going to use my salary. To raise your child. Buy them a car on their 18th birthday. And kiss them on the forehead on their first and last day of school. Your children will know they are loved and they are respected.

And you know what? I wouldn't even ask them to call me dad, but they fucking will. Hired. Nice, straight answer. Welcome aboard. Also, teaching maths. I can do it. The problem with Yoda's speech impediment Is if he is teaching math

That's going to be confusing He's going to give the answer La first and then Oh fuck 2 plus 2 is And it's just like hang on I'm currently Trying to figure out how to say

Maths like Yoda Like let alone learn it. Like, imagine if he's being like, okay, today we're going to be learning imaginary numbers and he's going to talk about, like, the square root of a negative number and then trying to get him to explain that. It's going to be hard. I forgot you did special maths.

Square root of a negative number said like Yoda. Is that negative number square root of a... Did I do it? You're close, I think. Yeah. Damn it. Maybe. I don't know.

But either way, it's going to be very confusing him talking about that. And him talking about, like, when they start, like, graphing integers and shit. No, thank you. I wish that do or do not, do or do not, there is no try, was like... Actually, no, fuck. I had it in my head in Yoda talk. Like, more Yoda-y. Well, yeah, he says that quite coherently.

Maybe he doesn't. We've just got it backwards. Hang on. Decoded Yoda style. Do or do not, there is no try. There is no try, do or do not. Yeah? Do or do not, you must.

Try, there is not. Oh, God. Anyway, Luke should have just left. Yeah, He couldn't It's a big planet Just go for a walk Leave me alone you green swamp bastard I gotta cool off Yoda

I'm comfortable to give Yoda an F Yeah I'm pretty comfortable Give me an F We're asking for worse teachers He's a pretty bad teacher You kind of won by getting an F. Yeah, you've got to think. All right.

So. Yeah. Veronica Vaughn. Who's that? From Billy Madison. Billy Madison's third grade teacher. Remind me. So she's a third grade teacher.

She has Billy. So we're going to plot aison billy madison is kind of questionably intelligent yeah so he's like uh i need to prove that i did good in school and so i have to go back to school and do like one week of every single class and basically fill in a year of education in in one week so that his dad doesn't give his company he gets and he gets the company yeah so his dad's trying to retire but then the board kicks up a stink being like your son is not educated enough he he's a moron just bought him yeah school yeah i just understand why he'd be like fair enough my kid cannot run a company yeah shouldn't uh i will not give my company to him or i'll be like like, yeah, he'll be the figurehead, but the board of directors will be the people who... No, but one of the boards is a big dickhead.

That's the whole point of the film. He's like a 90s dickhead, isn't he? He's a big anus. Yeah, fuck 90s dickheads with their frosted tips and their glasses that have a string that go around the back of their head. I don't think he has frosted tips. I'm pretty sure he's like... He's snivelly. Is he ponytail 90s dickhead?

No. He's got frizzy hair. He's Weasel Boy. He's Weasel Boy 90s dickhead in a suit. Suit 90s dickhead. You were listing diehard villains though. That's pretty funny.

That's what Billy Masters has got to do. He's got to go and whatever. His third grade teacher is a bit of a hottie, Veronica Vaughn. Yeah. He develops a thing for. And unfortunately, what happens in the film is that they end up having a romantic relationship. And to help him study, she uses, like, sex as a reward. And then later on, beats the shit out of him.

That's, um. He sings a song about it. Yeah. Those are her two teaching methods. Bit of titty, smack in the gob. Love and hate in the one move. Third graders. That's the bad guy.

Oh, okay. Eric Gordon. Yeah, now I remember him. That's the character's name, and I don't know why he has a last name. Yeah, look, those are two teaching methods that we're pretty much quite against in the reason... Like, those are two methods that are just not reasonable methods of teaching.

No, I'm pretty sure we got rid of smacking kids upside the head fairly early on in the 1900s. And I don't think we ever used sex as a reward for teaching children. No, no, that's called a crime. Yeah, that is a crime. Like, let's just... Before we get too carried away, Billy at this point, not a child. That's called a crime. Yeah, that is a crime. Like, let's just... Before we get too carried away, Billy at this point, not a child.

That's true. That's true. However, education of a child, I would say he's not mentally fit to be an adult. I just think it's... I would argue that. I think it's just an inappropriate... It's definitely an inappropriate relationship.

I'm just like, what are they setting themselves up for in the rest of their coupled life? You know what I mean? That's a weird foundation for... How does she beat him? With a stick or what? With a book. So she throws a book at him?

No, she swings and smacks him in the gob. With a baseball bat? No, with a book. Well, Zamet made a baseball bat. With a book! See, a book. He did this! Yeah, but he was holding a book. Well, Zammett made a baseball bat. With a book! See, a book. He did this! Yeah, but he was holding a deck. I didn't see the deck of cards. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone. So much violence. Does she teach her other children? Hopefully not with sex, but with violence? Like, what is she like as an actual third grade teacher? Billy struggles with the third grade. Yeah. So that's not a great sign see the struggle here is that billy is like a certified he's a moron but like

yeah it's hard to what is billy's being a moron and what is veronica vaughn's poor teaching methods well i i guess arguably look maybe she's not a poor teacher maybe she's a poor teacher of adults yeah um so fair enough when she's watching, look, maybe she's not a poor teacher. Maybe she's a poor teacher of adults. Yeah. Fair enough. When she's watching a third grade teacher. She's teaching, you know, primary school, third grade teachers and that kind of stuff. So when she's like, hey, this is your job now. You're teaching this fully grown man. Yeah.

She's like, oh my God. Basically, like, you know, shapes and simple arithmetic and spelling. Yeah. So maybe she could be like a bit sarky and be like, well, this is ridiculous. But then he's like, oh, handsome boy, which is wrong. Doesn't she later on help him out with everything? I have this vivid scene from Billy Madison of them in a tent. Yes.

And she's like, I'll show you a bit of titty. It's like a striptease to the thing. And then he does it again with Chris Farley. Yeah, that's right. And he gets it more right. And we see some Chris Farley titty. That's all right. What a good film. Yeah, that's right. And he gets it more right. And we see some Chris Farley titty. That's all right. What a good film.

That's, um, I guess that's good. A movie critics called A Sorry Excuse for a Movie and Director Davis and Star Sandler should be very embarrassed. Zero stars. However, as a teacher, she gets the job done.

She does see results. Billy Madison does pass and ends up owning the company so and billy madison how would you teach him you've got to teach billy madison maths and arithmetic how are you doing it that's a good question because honestly i think i would have given up yeah you're like billy madison here's a circle He's like, I don't wanna look at a circle Or whatever the fuck his voice is That was pretty spot on It's me, I'm Adam Sandler Doing a character Honestly, I might try Show me a titty, please

I might try and speak to a doctor And get him Put down And prescribe him Ritalin Prescribe him some Ritalin doctor and get him put down and prescribe him put down by the riddle and yeah that's true prescribe him some riddle and well it's really like it's i mean look we should eventually do a plumbing on like the world of billy madison because what what kind of education system is like yeah all right money money chuck a chuck a kid and a group fully grown man in sure because of um

see i'm working with children check he because of money. Working with children, Shaggy should. Because he is working with children. Yeah, like he's an adult. It doesn't matter how much money. He teaches the kids that pissing your pants is cool. He does. A fully grown man pisses his pants in front of children. No, a fully grown man pretends to piss his pants in front of children. And then gets the other children, like coerces them to

piss their pants. That's not okay. In the movie, that's quite heartwarming. In reality, imagine a full grown man being like, kids, piss your pants. Kids, if pissing your pants is cool, then I'm Miles Davis. Yeah. Kids aren't going to get that reference. No. That was wasted on those children.

In fact, that's quite a reference for Billy Madison in that movie. Actually, yeah. If that got out and, like, say I was a parent of one of those kids and they're like, oh, yeah, so this kid, he pissed his pants and then Billy Madison pretended to piss his pants, but then, like, he made a big song and dance of it and all the kids pissed his pants. I'd be like, so you're telling me a fully grown man

who's integrated into a classroom of third graders without really informing the parents. Yeah. And you're telling me that there was an incident where he convinced them to wet their pants. I'd be like, get him out of that school. Sex pest. Is he a sex pest? It's funny as well that there's no media anything on Billy Madison.

Like, I'm imagining it now, right? Imagine you're a school and you have Billy Madison, because that's the kind of thing that we get in the news, that they're like, hey, this guy is doing school again. Richard Branson's son. Yeah, exactly. Dumb fuck Branson. Branson's dumb fuck of a progeny is doing school.

You'd be like, wow, that's kind of notable. And if you were a school that had Richard Branson's son, you would be doing everything within your power to get him educated. Yeah. Because otherwise it'll look so bad for your school that you couldn't teach. What a nightmare that is for any education system. Yeah, I think maybe Veronica had it kind of right, where she just was like, fuck this, I'm just not going to bother.

Realising that this guy is going to be cashed up. Yeah, absolutely. Realised, like, fuck, what am I doing? I'm in a shitty third grade teacher salary. If I just hook up with this idiot, I'll be like an heiress. Do we ever find out what she loves about Billy Madison? What does she find charming about his personality? The pretending to wet his pants.

That's right. He thinks that Donkey Kong is the best video game of all time And refuses to hear otherwise Strong morals Does he say Donkey Kong Or Donkey Kong Country So he's talking about like the original Donkey Kong I would assume

And the kids are like Mortal Kombat I'm pretty sure That's very weird Does he yell about potassium at some point maybe he's weirdly educated in strange place he gets angry when swans look at him that's true okay he has a fight between shampoo and conditioner and both lose yeah yeah i recall he uh has no idea well he's well aware of what day Nudie Magazine Day is. Yep. I don't know what that is.

He hallucinates about a penguin. Yep. Okay. He takes a shit in a bag and sets it on fire. Sure. Gets drunk. On Nudie Magazine Day, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Huh. When his friend... He says, what day is it? His friend says, ah, October. And then he knows that that's Nudie Magazine day, even though that his friend said October. So he's got like a good cognitive sort of like... So this is a man that is so in touch with titties. He can just sense it.

Okay, all right. So he is so in tune with titties that he knows exactly when and where they're going to be. So pairing that with education is probably the only thing you could do with Billy Madison. Well, maybe Veronica Vaughn. Because, hang on. That's a very, very, very upsetting future. Because it isn't just Veronica, it's not just Veronica Vaughn's titties that make him learn.

It's also Chris Farley's titties that make that boy learn. It's just any titty. Any titty. Regardless of location. Yeah. So really, maybe Veronica Vaughn, maybe she didn't realise this initially. Maybe she's sort of a genius.

Maybe she's just sort of a genius that she realised that the way for this boy to learn is some titties. Actually, I'm going to take this back. I know we said worst teacher, but the best teacher, Chris Farley, a humble bus driver, realized that the key

to success for Billy Madison was just a little titty. He also commits manslaughter. What? Chris Farley, not Billy Madison. That's a shame. Not in real life in Billy Madison, but maybe real life. Chris Farley lived a life.

Wait, is Chris Farley dead? Yeah. Rest in peace. I hope't know. Chris Folley lived a life. So, like... Wait, is Chris Folley dead? Yeah. Okay. Rest in peace. I hope you're enjoying heaven or hell if you committed real life manslaughter. It's unclear. All right. So, what are we giving Veronica?

Maybe an A or an A+. No. No. No. Even if she's figured out the secret to teaching Billy Madison is to get a rig out. Yeah. That's rig out. Yeah. That's a bad teach. Yeah, you're right.

I see. Regardless of whether or not it works, that's just like... That's another F. Yeah. F for ethics. It's an ethical F. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so she did hit him.

Yeah, and she hit him. Oh, yeah, she hit him. At least your old Yoda hit Luke, though. Bonked him on the head. That's true. And also, Billy Madison sings a song about how that helped him learn. Yeah. So it doesn't matter how effective...

The opening line of his song is, Thank you, Veronica, for beating the shit out of me. If we found out that feeding children centipedes helped them learn, we wouldn't start feeding children centipedes. Well, you say that. Not live centipedes. But, like, what kind of percentage are we talking about? 100% if a child eats a live, wriggling, poisonous centipede, the child will learn.

Like, learn what? In terms of, like... His brain will just absorb information like a fucking sponge. Then we're feeding those kids live centipedes. What if it also makes the kids very sick? How sick? Death's door, but, like, coma for four years. But they come

out of it, and what happens? Well, you get them, their brain for, say, a month is like a sponge. After the month, the poison kicks in, and they're in a coma for four years. Okay. No. We wouldn't do that. Yeah, we wouldn't do that. Because you know what else does things like that? What? Drugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, hey wouldn't do that. Because you know what else does things like that? What? Drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, hey, kids, cocaine. It's going to make you concentrate so much. It's going to make you so focused. Every kid gets a pencil case and a line. That's how this school works. Yeah, so probably not. But if it was one of those things where it was just like, you know,

it's just that cost-benefit analysis. Yeah. So I wouldn't say no off the bat. Well, look, if the centipede's going to poison the child off the bat well look if the centipede's gonna poison the child i think no the centipede's not gonna poison the child i still think we probably wouldn't because i think parents don't like the idea of feeding their child a lot i'm talking about a thick centipede i understand the thick centipede but if you're like studies have proven and we've done all the kind of tests and we're like look no matter what we do there is actually

think about the ways we're like already we're like this is an effective education strategy and parents are like no yeah but there's a lot like you know oh yeah like you know baroque playing baroque music and all that kind of stuff or baroque music whatever the baroque music playing baroque music and all that kind of stuff all this kind of thing is just kind of like hey whatever no this is like no no across the board a hundred percent success rate no matter what if your if your child is a dumb fuck and swallows this giant worm big thick big wriggling poisonous centipede he's gonna be a genius he's a genius yeah if he eats this thick one wait us in let us know i think i think you would have a lot of people maybe some of the initial like the elite or the people really wanting that like you know like thinking things like uh crazy not soccer moms what are those like crazy like speed makes

you study better that's just a fact and people still don't give the kids speed yeah exactly because that's a very very very illegal whereas this is just a big thick worm we don't know we don't know the side effects of big thick worm it It's a centipede. I never said worm. Big thick centipede. Is that how you're happier now? Yeah. All right. A big thick centipede.

I'm sorry. Anyway, Ross Geller. Yes. My mortal nemesis. I hate that fuck. Yes. Ross Geller is a bad person And also fucks one of his students

He does And then meets her dad Yeah That's not good How is he not like From friends Sorry From F-R-I-E-N-D-S

Yeah exactly That was a wrong clap I went for a blister in the sun there When I should have gone Oh yeah that's right Yeah you idiot. Have you heard the version of this? Yes, that version of the song.

Just keeps clapping. The claps never stop and it's unsettling because this song changes tempo slightly and then the claps are a nightmare. Another problem with Ross Geller. He's a fuckhead and I hate him. Yes, but also he never goes on digs. He's a paleontologist. But when do you remember in friends where they're like oh ross couldn't be here today because he's working he's always a central perk when is he

even teaching i can't he's only teaching if it's plot relevant and that's like four episodes he confuses this he's racist he is wait what when's racist? He puts on a fake accent. Okay. I was going to say he confuses the school board, the students with that terrible Scottish accent. No. That's English, so it's not really racist. Yeah. In fact, it's fine. If accents are racist, this show is shut down.

Yoda's accent is not racist. You can do Yoda. That's allowed. Yoda's the only not racist You can do Yoda That's allowed Yoda's the only one Yeah so look fucks his student Bad Never working Bad

Barely teaching Bad And he convinces himself that fucking a student is okay He's kind of like I know it's like It's not in the rule book it's only frowned upon And everyone's like, no. I think it's in the rule book. Does he announce it to the class?

I don't think so. I am fucking one of you. Guess. Guess. Which one? He's a university professor. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah. I just wanted to clarify that. So at least she could feasibly be his aide. Yeah. No, she's not. But she could. I mean, she could, but like his aide. Like, yeah. No, she's not. But she could. I mean, she could, but like no. Yeah. Because he's a professor. Yeah. Right? Yeah, he is a professor.

So let's get- Okay, say he's 30 and she's what? 18. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. On your Rossi, boy! Just kidding, that's gross. You're a peasy shit. And he doesn't stay with her either.

They go away to a cabin once. He's scared of a bear, maybe? Of her dad. Yeah. And that surely shows that- Bruce Willis is her dad? Yes. Oh, that makes us so little.

Yep. Oh, no. And surely that shows that Ross is aware that what he's doing is wrong if he fears meeting the dad. You know? Yeah, he's got no moral compass. No. Well, he does, but he's such a weasel that he's, like, good at ignoring it, you know what I mean?

I know this isn't part of the thing, but I want to say like, bad dad as well. When do you see him raising Ben? Never. He gives it to his two dumb fuck friends, and they lose him. I seem to recall that Ben exists in six episodes of Friends. Like he shows up six times over the course of Friends. That's insane. Hey, here's a funny little thing.

Ben, I think, is played by the same kid from Big Daddy. That's neat. That's good. Also, he's's gonna be confusing Like Ben as well In a teaching moment where he's gonna like Teaching about his like His roots and like say his religion

Cause you know Ross Geller is Jewish And so he tries to take a teaching moment About Hanukkah And turns it into a farce By dressing up like a goddamn armadillo Oh that's right he he does. Also... He does. What the fuck, Ross? Also, the Jewish God punishes his bad actions

by setting fire to Rachel and Phoebe's apartment in the same episode that he dates a student, which is clear karma. That's the worst thing about Ross, is that he knows what he's doing is wrong. Yeah, and the worst thing is his friends get punished for his bad deeds. By the Jewish God.

Yeah. Is that canon in the episode? Yes. Yes. I'm happy to say yes and not just that that's the B plot to an episode

where Ross dates a student. I think it's relevant. I think, yeah, I think you're right. I think you'll find that in Friends, everything's relevant. I think you'll find that like...

Everything ties together. Yeah. Like, gently, everything is connected. Everything is you find that like... Everything ties together. Like Dirk Gently, everything is connected. Everything is connected. God is real. Friends. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been also Joel. When I'm a-walking, I stand, I stand,

and I'm a-walkin', I stand my ground And I'm so strong Thanks for listening And if you want to follow us on Twitter You can find us at SansPantsRadio Or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows,

you can head to SandspantsRadio.com, and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now.

But not forever. Kisses. again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses