Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Teen Would Do Well in the Hunger Games? (Live!)

Episode Date: June 24, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Which Fictional Teen Would Do Well in the Hunger Games? Live from Eureka Hotel Melbourne!Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. This was recorded on the 19th of January 2018 at the Eureka Hotel in Melbourne. Hey Zahmet! What? I heard someone was saying that we're- we being me, you and Joel Disher, plumbing the death star, are gonna come to the UK this year. Who's been telling you these truths? I- OHHHHH! Well, give me more details, you scoundrel. Well, we're heading to Edinburgh Fringe, and we're going to be performing four shows.

We're going to be at Just the Tonic on the 14th. We're going to be at Assembly on the 18th and the 25th and the Loft on the 26th. What month is this, you ask? I didn't, but go ahead. I'm assuming it's not September. What's out before September? August! That's the one!

Yeah! That's the one! Are we just doing Edinburgh? I fell. Are we just doing Edinburgh fridge? No, Jackson. Don't be a silly, stupid piece of shit. We're not just doing Edinburgh Fridge.

No, we're going other places. We're going to go to Glasgow. We're going to go to Newcastle. We're going to Leeds, Nottingham, Cambridge, Manchester, Oxford, Birmingham, Bristol, London, Brighton, Cardiff. Wow. I know, it's crazy. And did you know in London we're going to be part of the London Podcast Festival? Are you fucking kidding

me? No, Jackson, I'm not. It's crazy. That's incredible. Where can people go to get the damn tickets? You can go to sensepantsradio.com slash live. Are they selling out quick? They are. Glasgow is already sold out and a bunch of them are already more than 50%

sold. Holy shit, the people better get on it quick. Yeah. Fuck. Hey, everyone, and welcome to a very special live edition of Plumbing the Death Star. Where we ask the important questions like, which fictional team would do well in the Hunger Games? Did you say team or teen? Teen.

Teenager. Quitch fictional? Quitch? Yeah. You put a good... No, no, no. Quitch fictional teen. All right.

So just to quick clarify, it was quitch as in with a Q, fictional teen as in teenager, and The Hunger Games as in The Hunger Games. All right. Cool. Just before we go into this because it is a live setting is there anyone out there that doesn't know what the Hunger Games are? Sick. Okay, that's good. That's a good start.

One person means we don't have to explain it. Ask your friend next to you. If we had like five of you, maybe. Alright, I'm going to give the audience ten seconds to explain it to that one guy. Also, are we all aware what a teen is? A teenager. What is fictional?

Explain which. How come not real? Less fictional, yeah? Teen Wolf! Teen Wolf, but not the new one where they play lacrosse and shit and they make it edgy. No. Michael J. Fox, Teen Wolf from the 85 film. It's amazing.

It is a great film. I'm glad that we all agree that Teen Wolf from the 85 film. It's amazing. It is a great film. Yes. I'm glad that we all agree that Teen Wolf is a great film. How would he do in The Hunger Games? Well, he does get violent in that movie, right? But he doesn't like it. And does he kill anyone? Well, no, but he comes close.

How many murders in Teen Wolf? Let me have a quick look through my memory palace. Zero? Zero. That's not a great start. Not a great start. But I reckon if Push comes to shop, he'd be very good at murdering a child. There is someone in the Hunger Games who's like a relatively unknown character.

So you're going to be like, there's someone in the Hunger Games who's like a wolf man. No, no, no. Relatively obscure Hunger Games character who also is like kind of against killing. Yeah. And will only ever do it if they have to. And that's Katniss against killing. Yeah. And will only ever do it if they have to. And that's Katniss. Yeah. Yeah.

So I guess the unwilling, like doesn't like being violent, but will if push comes to shove isn't necessarily a con because things do go pretty well for her until the end when things go quite bad. It's also the kind of thing where if you're in the Hunger Games and you're like, well, I'm just not going to kill anyone. Exactly. You're going to die.

You're just going to, it's not like, you don't have a choice. Yeah. Well, you do have a choice. You could die with integrity, or you could live as a horrible person. I know which one I'm choosing. That's a no-brainer. I'm dying with integrity too, boys. I was just thinking, what are Teen Wolf's

skills? He's great at basketball. He's amazing at basketball. First of all, he's a wolfman. Above all else. I also think he's got some pheromone in him that makes people love the shit out of him. Because if you and I were on a basketball court and we

tackled a man, as they do in this, and then he turns into a werewolf, I would be screaming and running because I'd be thinking he'd be trying to eat me. However, he does one dunk and they're all on board. Did all three of us tackle the man in your scenario? Yes. We're the villains in this space.

That's unusual. Instead of being absolutely terrified by a man that can transform into a wolf, which is like a reasonable thing to do. That's scary. They're all like, nah, wolf pride. So your theory is that Teen Wolf just gets everybody in the Hunger Games to love him, and then picks them off one by one. And then he eats them as

wolves are wanted to do. The funniest thing is that's my strategy too. It's a good strategy. Get everyone to love me, pick them off one by one and eat them. Alright, a con is that the Hunger Games, hunger does come into it. Yep. Teen Wolf can eat man meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah into it. Teen Wolf can eat man meat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so can people can eat man meat too. Well, you know what Katniss doesn't do when there's like a delicious roux in front of her? She doesn't eat her. She puts some flowers, sends like a little funeral thing, and off she goes, wasting delicious man flesh. Or in this scenario, child flesh.

But to be fair, to be fair, to be fair, in the Hunger Games, you've got sponsors, right? Yes. So people outside the Hunger Games that are giving you treats and money and, like, cred. That's good, because they'll send you more man meat. No one's sending Teen Wolf treats if he's eating a child. Yeah, exactly.

You're going to be watching it on the big screen and be like, oh my fucking God. Turn it off. Can we send him poison? I really like that none of you pointed out, but I said treats and money. Imagine you're in The Hunger Games and one of those little drones drops like a $100 bill.

You're like fucking sweet. Is there a vending machine around? No, well, I I mean if you get sent money that's more motivation to win because you're like I'm gonna use this

a hundred dollars when I win the Hunger Games and it makes you a better target for everyone else because not only is Dusha good to kill

I get a hunger I get some coins I'll take that the idea of killing a man for a hundred dollars is well also because I have to

if I want to win the Hunger Games idiot exactly it's like a sweet bonus you dumb dumb not only do I get to like have to kill I want to win the Hunger Games Idiot It's like a sweet bonus you dum-dum Not only do I get to have to kill somebody But then oh a hundo

Yeah it's just like a neat extra It's cream on the top Alright we're getting distracted So what you need to survive the Hunger Games Because it's not just about the willingness to kill a child Which I think Teen Wolf has Or eat which is something that you've also Which is also in his eyes

Because again you can see if they turn red. It's also about like... The one thing they say, there's like... You're about to possibly die of exposure or dehydration. Yeah. That's a big killer in The Hunger Games. Guess what Teen Wolf has?

Fur. Going to save you from the cold. Wolf nose. Going to be a warm boy. Wolf nose. Smell it. Water. What do you call them?

Meat. No. Danger. Fear. No, shut up. What's this little ground guys? Mushrooms! Mushrooms! Oh yes.

The little ground guys. Mushrooms. I kept on thinking of the Smurfs. I kept on wanting to say houses. All right. I like the idea of you going to order a sandwich, and then you're like, yeah, I'll get lettuce, tomato, and Smurfs. What are the Smurfs living?

I grabbed the waiter by the tie. Tell me. He got five sense of smell That's always going to be useful in the Hunger Games Absolutely He can probably find some sweet stash Like he does in the film Plus he's got perfect balance

He does He's surfing UFA's United Fate of America He's surfing UFA's at the top of his friend's van At high speeds He doesn't fall off And does backflips and shit. So he's got perfect balance.

Exactly. Rue runs up a tree. Guess who's following her? Dean Wolf. Yeah. Do you know what Wolf's notorious for doing? Yeah. Being killed by man.

Yeah, that is a Wolf's number one go-to activity. You know what the con is? What is Wolf good at? Being in a pack. What is Teen Wolf? A lone wolf. But lone wolf is also good. Now I'm back on Teen Wolf.

He's invincible. Until he gets shot with a bow and arrow. Yeah, he doesn't have any weapons and also doesn't know how to use anything other than... You know, like, because I think this is important for us to go through every Hunger Games teen. They have that scene where they're in, like, the HQ.

And it's the one where they're like, Peter, you're good at lifting a fucking flower. You will be the rock thrower in the Hunger Games. While everyone's standing there with swords and bow and arrows. He just picks up a heavy shit and throws it and paints a rock on his wrist.

Oh, amazing. But like Teen Wolf, basketball. Can you turn basketball into a weapon? That's just another rock thrower and they've already got one of those. He does claws yeah but he needs to get you know what's better than a claw bow and arrow yeah also a sword longer range can you bring a gun into the hunger games if that's your chosen weapon sure so if i'm like my chosen weapon is these bombs the risk though is and forgive me if I'm wrong, and I'm sure a hundred people will yell at me if I am,

you have a chosen weapon, but they're put in a central bit. So you could pick bombs, but District 1, which you will not be from, will undoubtedly be faster and stronger than you, and you will probably get force-fed your own bombs.

The trick is, you're just going to run in, set them alight, and run out. Or everybody's going to the cornucopia to get food. The best thing about bombs, though, is that they're anyone's weapon. So you could just chuff off and let the bombs sort themselves out. The best thing about bombs is that they're anyone's weapon. That's beautiful. Pick your weapon as proximity mines and then just don't go for the cornucopia.

I pick my weapon as an angry jaguar, please. Just put that in the cornucopia so everyone's like running at the, oh my god! Several wild boars, please. That's me. So yeah, look, Teen Wolf, the problem... So yeah, yeah, yeah, he's gonna go into that little meeting where they're gonna have, and they're like,

eating delicious candy and cured meats, and like, entertain us with your skill. And what's Teen Wolf going to do? He's just going to, like, what, do a flip and shit? That's not that great. Do a fucking three-pointer. He's like, do you have a van I can surf on? And everyone's going to be like, back to the pig.

He's going to be like, where's your hoops? Yeah. And I'm pretty sure the capital aren't going to be interested in your sweet basketball skills, wolf boy. I don't think basketball exists anymore. Yeah, they probably play something stupid. Like a Bacat ball. Can we just talk about how stupid all the names are?

Like what happened to R's? Hey, we can't have Peter. It has to be Peter. But no R. There's two E's and an A. No, I reckon I can solve that. Because I reckon everyone in that shithole district Was illiterate So they're like Peter

And he's like how do you spell that And he's like I don't know Peter He's like with an R He's like with a what How do you explain like Glimmer, Marvel and Kato That's just a great name If I got to choose my own name

I might call myself Glimmer Glimmer B Bailey Glimmer B Bailey Glimmer me softly Actually not a bad idea Because even like Hamish How do you spell it? There's a H and a T somewhere

Hamish Like Hamish Yeah H-E-Y Okay And he looks at it and he's like, I don't know how to read. Okay. Everyone in the Hunger Games is illiterate. That solves that problem.

All right. I'm placated. And Teen Wolf is literate. Yes. At a disadvantage or an advantage. I'm not sure how it'll help him in the Hunger Games. There's not a lot of reading in the Hunger Games that tends to happen. Yeah.

All right. So Teen Wolf's done pretty well. Yeah. I've got a suggestion that fits all the categories as well and I think may fare a bit better. Okay. And he fits into this due to a technicality. Oh!

Because this boy is still a teen but also not really. And it is Edward Cullen. Sparkly, in daylight, easy to spot spot Can't die If you chop off his head, he's done, right? Yeah If you stake him in the heart, what happens?

Look, if we're following vampire law I know vampire rules, I don't know Twilight vampire rules That's easy, we're in the Hunger Games room waiting to go out I'm like, that's a fucking vampire You're like, yeah, I'm like, I don't know i'm gonna do uh i would like my chosen weapon to be garlic homie you're good at fighting with it and i just throw it at edward or whatever give me a steak and then i'd be like try to get my sponsors yes garlic powder lots and lots of garlic powder crucifixes is jesus around anymore what about about just doing this? Like one of these ones?

I mean, Edward would probably just like... I mean, the thing is weapons, yeah, might work on him but he can't die. Why are vampires so afraid of Jesus? I don't know. Vampires are a front to God. That's the answer. I assume it's that God didn't make him.

Satan did. That's always been the implication, but nobody's ever outright said it. Who made vampires? Satan made... Lucifer made vampires. He's like, yeah, I see you're humans. What if worse? What if could become bats?

That's very funny to imagine Satan. Fine mist. Satan looks at some bats, looks at a guy, he's like... I can see a twofer here. Your move, God. I've got angels, they're like men with wings. Men and birds. Like a bird, is that pretty good? Yeah, but I've got

a bat. Well, maybe it was like God's like, look at this, check this shit out, Satan, I've met angels. Satan's like, can I make some? He's like, you're not allowed birds, though. He's like, what is like a? He's like, you're not allowed birds though. He's like, what is like a bird? Bats! Night birds!

It was either that or dragonflies. Or moths, I guess. Oh, vampires would be a lot less terrifying if they just turned

into moths. I think they'd be a lot more frightening. How? They're moths! Yeah, but they fly. Distracted by a flame.

They're all unco when they fly. Imagine a vampire being like, you know like the moth does some of these ones, but his body's all jangling about and he's coming towards you and you're like, oh my god, what the fuck? The other day a moth got stuck in our bathroom, but to the moth's credit, if I had a bat in there, it would also have gotten stuck.

To the moth's credit. Charter rooms are scary. moth's credit, if I had a bat in there, it would also have gotten stuck. Moth's credit. To the moth's credit. Not saying he's an idiot. Just saying he got stuck. Two sides to every story. People have been stuck in bathrooms before, so you can't say this moth is any dumber than a regular

man. That's true. People die all the time in the bathroom. People die. People die. Moths die. To the moth is any dumber than a regular man. That's true. People die all the time in the bathroom. People die. People die. Moths die. To the moth's credit. Anyway, so Hunger Games. Edward Cullen.

Yeah. Edward Cullen. Doesn't like killing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Feels bad about it and good about it at the same time. Yeah, exactly. So you just need to, like, the first kill, he snaps. Yeah.

Next 11, the next 10, real easy. That means he has to kill one. Sorry, Peter, I guess, but you're probably getting, the next 10, real easy. That means he has to kill one of, sorry Peter, I guess, but you're probably getting an et. Katniss stays at home this time. I imagine in this situation, whoever we've picked. No, it's a male and female. He's eating Katniss. Where is he? What district are you from? He's from district. He's like a fancy

boy. We are district 14. Where all the weird ones go. And the team that normally comes is like, is that a 14? And it's just Teen Wolf and Edward Cullen, whoever else we chose. Oh, they go alone.

There's no... Can't be Teen Wolf and Edward Cullen. Normally we'd go bloke girl, but I guess we'll go vampire wolf man this time. Yeah. That's basically the same thing. So, all right. As a member of the other 11 people there,

or whatever many people, I'd be going, all right, our first strat is to get the vampire because he's the biggest threat. Yeah. Then we turn on each other. Do we know he's a vampire, though, or is it like we're at the cornucopia and he just eats someone and I'm like, holy fuck. Or is it going to be like he goes in and gets his, like, judge and everything and he's like, what's your skill, boy?

And he's like, I'm a vampire. I eat people. They're like, shit. 12 out of 12, I guess. Fuck, perfect scores. Off you, fuck. And then everyone's like, why do you get 12? That's scary as.

If there's just like a weenie pale boy, and you're like, he got a 12 out of 12. What did he do? And he's just like, nothing. I'm just good and pretty handsome. I've got great hair. What if I try and balaswan him? Yeah.

Yeah. You, Joel Zabit, are going to try and balaswan Edward Carlin. 32 years old. One, mate. 31 years old. Seducing a 17-year-old boy. Seducing a 700 or something. seducing a 700 400 or something 400 or 200 I think

any Twilight fans out there fuck off he's 109 but he looks 17 and is 17 alright no but no because by your logic so say Zammett goes up and starts kissing

Edward Cullen, right? Yeah. And they're like, that's not on, he's 17. And you're like, but he's 400. And they're like,

but he's 17. And then they're like, no, he's 109. And then they're like, well, then he can't compete because he's not a teen. And he gets disqualified. So you've got to kiss him

for the legal battle so that he can be deemed an adult and kicked out of the hugger. I can make out with our pats for this. What's great about that as well is that that means that you're just like, you just leave? The two of you just leave? I'm like, where's Edward? I just saw them kissing

now they're going. They caught up in a legal battle. But couldn't Edward Cullen be like, well, he's not a teen either? And I'm like, fuck! Shit! Very funny if they go to the two of us and they're like, did you know that? We're like, nah.

You guys are teens yet? Yeah, I'm like 14, man. I turned 16 last week. Yeah. Okay, I'm not me I'm just like team me We're competing in the Hunger Games? That's frightening How did we get in? Different districts must have been

We're district 15 The plumbing boys Just de-aged a bit That's really funny though If it's district 15, they're like Okay, well we normally take a boy girl But we'll just take three boys It's also great if they're like, well, I guess we'll just

take Zamit and Dusha. You can stay behind, Jackson. I don't know how to look after this town by myself. It's alright. But wouldn't like, yeah, going up against Edward and Cullen, couldn't he have like, because he's telepathic, yeah? Yeah. Which is like beneficial to find people. But I always think

my brain's so heinous that I'd have a look and vomit or something. Then I could keep punching him in the face. You're just gonna think of like the most fucked thing you can. And then he'll read your mind and then you'll start vomiting and then you're gonna punch him

in the face so much that you kill him. I'm gonna run up yelling. Ah! What can kill an Edward Cullen? Decapitation. Yeah. Decapitation. All right, they got swords in there.

A broken heart. I've already dumped him, so he's pretty sad. So if something was to happen to Bella, he'd probably die, but that's probably more metaphorical rather than... Mate, mate, mate, mate. Oh, you know who's coming from Discript 15? Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. That's true. Fuck him up good.

Or if it's only you guys... Wait, we're sending them out. Why are we doing this? Because I want to. We're like, oi, President Snow, bang in the face. We're in charge. Alright, well, I don't know how familiar you are with Twilight. Not very, no. Spoilers then, because I know that you're probably going to be interested.

I was. Bella turns into a vampire. Shit. I am shocked and spooked. That's unfair that the vampire district's sending people. One vampire, I'm like, well, I'll let it slide. Two, come on. We let a wolf man in.

There's no rules Alright let's just break it down Without getting all super distracted The pros of Edward Cullen Harder to kill than a regular person Can still be killed He's much faster, much stronger And much cleverer than anyone else

Because he's actually 109 Rather than 17 He is 17 though right Because his brain kind of like Rot a bit You know when you get old You you kind of lose faculties. I think vampires stay kind of preserved in amber, always the same. That's unfair.

Yeah. The life of a vampire is hard. Satan made them better than us for a reason. I choose the Scooby gang. Mystery Inc. The whole gang? We'll go through them. Alright, so pros... What is your ability, Fred?

A van. Cold dead eyes. He'll kill a kid. Fred Jones is not afraid to murder. Fred Jones himself will kill several children. Fred Jones is a grasshopper wearing a man's skin. He'll happily murder a child. Yeah, yeah.

They're all teens. Velma is very clever. Daphne can come. She can come along. She could be like the honey trap or whatever it is. Yeah. Like, you know, people are like, oh, who's that? Oh, who's that?

And then Fred Jones out of the trees naked slits their throat. Wearing nothing but an ascot. Gets them with a rock. Yeah. And Shaggy and Scooby are there because it's always good to have a dog. Yep. And you've got to kill one of them off, and who better to kill off than Shaggy? Yeah, exactly.

What's UC doing? Nothing. I basically get rid of Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and I'll just keep Fred. Fred, a van, and Trouble. The three things you need to win the Hunger Games Absolutely Fred is not stronger than an average person But I think he'll go the distance

Fred seems the kind of person That if you stab him in the arm He wouldn't flinch He wouldn't react And that would make me then back off a little Which would give him ample time In his nude body with an ascot, to spray me with a rock.

Imagine, you know, the cornucopia, he just rolls in the mud to get slippery, picks up a heavy rock, and everyone's like, that is the scariest thing anybody's ever done at the start of the Hunger Games. Slippery Fred Jones with a rock running around, just completely, like,

no emotion on his face. Braining everybody. And then he gets in his van and just runs him down. It's also scary and this is something I can imagine Fred doing at the end.

The last person. So there's one person remaining. Fred and this one person. I can imagine him like just pulling off their face like it's a mask. Well let's see who's under the mask.

A brain! and a skull. Well, gee, it was just a guy with a lot of blood. A guy with blood for a face. Front room. Gee whiz, gang. And he's talking to no one. He killed him and ate him and wore him early on. All those mutated dogs, like mutated scoops.

Which Fred would have easily killed. Oh, absolutely. He would have no qualms. I could kill Scooby-Doo. This has been a long time coming, Scoob. I think he'd run Scooby-Doo down with the van. I think that's how he's taking out Scooby. He'd be like, why'd you do that?

And they'd be like, oh, Hunger Games. Imagine you see him running down people with a van and you're like, oh my god, but you're in the van. I think that's how he's taking out Scooby. He'd be like, why'd you do that? And they'd be like, uh, Hunger Games. Imagine you see him running down people with a van and you're like, oh my god, but you're in the side. And then as he passes you, you realise he's not even looking forward, he's just looking at you. Another scary thing is, he'd be like, mystery solved, and they'd be like, congratulations, you won the Hunger Games. He'd be like, the what?

Sorry? I was just solving another mystery. The mystery of my empty heart. Pulling out Velma's heart, being like, look, a clue. I like that we've given... See, in my mind, Fred Jones doesn't have the strength to reach into someone's chest to pull out their heart, just the determination.

The determination and the tenacity. Yeah, like... Just to be like, what are you doing, Fred? At a certain point, I would give up because my fingers would give out. Yeah.

But I'm sure if I pushed hard enough, I could get through. You know? Yeah. But I don't like someone beating on Fred. Ain't gonna stop Fred. No. Try.

All right. All right. Yeah, okay, so it hurts. And it's hurting me, which makes me want to stop. But if I was Fred Jones, I'd just keep like a... Oh yeah, that's good. It's scary.

Ow, that hurt my hand. I'm fine. I lied when I said it hurt because I'm tough. Damn. So a con I see immediately that I'm surprised nobody pointed out is that The Hunger Games has very few roads. Yeah. It's not really paved.

It's not paved unless you've got a four wheel drive. But the mystery is like a combi van. They don't allow vehicles in. Well I think it's an air bud situation. Okay. No there's nothing in the rules that says I can't bring in a van. So they're like Fred what's your chosen weapon?

A van. No, the mystery machine. The mystery machine. It's the mystery machine. And then he drives around. He doesn't even need to train. He can just sit there whittling or whatever. Again, so scary to see someone when you're training just whittling.

Or just standing there. So then he's coming in, like the judges or whoever, they give the score, and he's like, yes, what is your ability? He just hops in a van, does a few doughies, without breaking eye contact.

And they're like, fuck, 12. 12 out of 12, Jesus Christ. Can he bring in a van? Doesn't say he can't. Hand me the rule book. I think this is an Air Bud situation. Air Bud protocol. V, V, V. I think this is an air bud situation. Air bud protocol.

No, vans are fine. Alright. Away you go, Fred Jones. He's also just a man. So even though you could pepper him with like arrows and he would not blink, he might still die. He might. However, what is a van good against? Bow and arrow. That's true. The bow and arrow is one

weakness. Cons. Tyres. Getting slashed by either a sword or punctured by a bow and arrow. But you know who wouldn't care? Fred Jones. He's a man who would drive a car that had no tyres. He would sit there

bogged in the mud just shooting mud out the front and back and daring people to come and get him. It's also good because he wouldn't be like, they wouldn't be like, come on. It would just be like. Alternatively, if they don't let him take the mystery machine, his weapon would be the ascot.

Behind someone, choke him out, completely blank face, not even thinking. He's completely nude. Or if he doesn't let the ascot blank face, not even thinking. Then he's completely nude. Or if he doesn't have the ascot, yeah, just a rock. It's very good with that rock. Problem there is fuel. Like I said, eventually Fred Jones

is just sitting in an empty mystery machine and he kills like three people when they all swarm him. I like that the rest of the teens banded together to take out Fred Jones, but not Edward Cullen. Well, vampires scare me. Because the thing

with a vampire is like you're probably like, well, a group of us isn't really going to help because he's faster and stronger. But with Fred Jones

like he's a man. He's gone beyond being a man, I guess. He's far more frightening than a regular man. I was like, it's actually funny because

Edward Cullen is more human. I think that's what it is. I'm like, I could have He's far more frightening than a regular man. Yeah, I was like, it's actually funny because Edward Cullen is more human. I think that's what it is. I'm like, I could have a conversation with Edward Cullen. The moment I'm chatting to Fred Jones, I'm not. I'm just talking at his blank face. Well, yeah, because the one big difference between them is Edward Cullen is hesitant about eating people. Yeah.

Yeah, though. So Fred Jones Fred Jones is buff too Yeah he's in shape He's got a lot of Upper body strength He does To the point where I think

The cartoon network May have used his body What? He's got a great ass No he does Fred Jones Look at him in the cartoons He's got a good ass

I don't know Everyone think of Fred Jones Me and this fan Are doing the rest of the episode What's your pick fan? I'm just glad you're not Talking about Fred Jones Me and this fan are doing the rest of the episode What's your pick, fan? I'm just glad you're not talking about Fred Jones' ass anymore This is real good I'm with you, Jay

You could bounce a quarter off it Oh, it's nuts His whole body's on fire, my god Fuck, you could eat it We're still going, alright, cool Boring face, though Yeah, I reckon he'd do pretty well Yeah, but again

He'll eventually be taken down because he's a mere mortal. Quick question. Yes. What would you classify the age of, say, a lion? If, say, I

was to put forward Simba when he came back. Because he's not a kitten. He's probably around about like two. Yeah. How do cat years work?

Because a dog year is like one in seven or something, right? Simba is roughly three years old when he comes back. Zoe's a cat expert and she's sticking her hand up. So let's not go to her. Does anyone know anything about her? No, Zoe. So six months to a year and a half detains. So I reckon Simba, he's only going for maybe like a year.

So he'd be a year. Yeah, but he's six months. If we let Edward Cullen in, even though Edward Cullen was 109, we can let Simba in, even though Simba's like two. Yeah. He's like a late teen. We can have some consistency.

Come on. So I'm going to put forward Simba. Where's the... You know what? Yeah, okay, sure. You know what? I'm not even going to get into that. Yep, Simba. Simba pads him.

A lion. They're like, what's your skill? And he looks at them like, all right, a lion. Sure. Sure. Twelve. So immediate problem. Simba has a pure heart.

Doesn't even want to kill Scar. Also, every single teen in that district would happily eat a lion. Every single one of them. Katniss and Peter, the lovable larrikins Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lovable lark. That's how I always describe them. Oh, they're just so fun loving. Goofballs. Goofballs.

Now the con with Simba is no one's given that lion gifts. No. No, are you kidding me? Imagine we're just like the people, the Hunger Games populace. Actually. And we're like,

one of them's a lion this year and he's adorable. I'm giving him a gun. No. Send that lion a gun. Give that lion a gun, douche. All right, even without that, the idea of watching TV and being like, I can send this lion presents.

I'm gonna because that's funny. Yeah. Man, we're littering that lion with gifts. It's funny because I was like, con, he's pure of heart, but actually, pro, he doesn't see humans as... I was going to say, yeah, he's pure of heart to other lions and creatures. He's never seen a human before.

It doesn't even matter. He's like, circle of life, bitch. Whatever. And they'll be like, top of the food chain, baby. Bow and arrow. That's true. Right in his head.

Hakuna Matata. No worries for the rest of your days. Because he's dead. Maybe a nice on your gravestone. Hakuna Matata. No worries now that I'm dead. Life was hard. To be honest, this is

alright. Lion's pretty good at surviving in the wilderness. You've gone for a man that's a wolf and then you've gone for basically what is just a wolf. That's a man. But is a lion. Yes. Lion and wolves are pretty similar. I'll say it. Can I talk

to Simba? Not like me specifically. Can Simba communicate with a human? Or is it just like there's also a lion here this time? I don't know that he's a guy. What are Disney rules? I'd say yes. He's a talking lion. Alright. I don't want to be the man to say no, even though

all evidence says no. But sure, he's a talking lion. Doesn't even matter because teamwork is a very important part of early Hunger Games. Because otherwise you're just all killing each other. That's true. And I'm not teaming up with a lion. Sorry.

I'd rather team up, well, maybe not Fred Jones, but Edward Cullen. I'd rather team up with Teen Wolf. Yeah. Yeah. Teen Wolf is used to playing on a team as well. I was going to say, exactly. He's very good at working on a team. And then you can betray him and stab him in the back.

Absolutely. You would too quick. You'd betray your teammate too quickly. That's why I go down they'd be like i'd be like hey do you want to be friends and you're like yeah lies and i'd be like but you'd have already stabbed me yeah because you're too slow oh man so i got confused at this point i got distracted man so i guess simba has got all the like of, say, Teen Wolf. But with a lot more cons. A lot more cons.

No, no, no. All right. There's one teen that I've got that is definitely a teen. Yeah. Is a person. Sure. So there's no cheating here. No technicalities.

Harry Potter. Actually, no. I'm taking that back. Don't clap. Draco Malfoy. Much better. Much better. Yeah.

Things that come in handy for Draco Malfoy is a weasel boy. We'll make friends. We'll betray those friends. Happily to kill. Knows a killing spell. Is a wizard. Is a teen. Such a weasel boy. Is his wand allowed? Yeah, it's a weapon, is a wizard, is a teen. Such a weasel boy.

Is his wand allowed? Yeah, it's a weapon. If Fred Jones can bring a van. So what I'm saying is like, what if someone else gets his wand? It'll work shit for them. That's how wands go. Plus, everyone else is moguls. No, okay, if you see swords, bows and arrows,

and a stick... I'ma choose in that sword. Yeah. It's very funny to imagine stealing Draco's wand and just stabbing people with it and he's like, that's not what it's for. But he'll be like, ooh. And then he'll just be like, hmm. Or like sharpening it like into

a point, but like sparks coming off like when you shave a battery and everyone's like, you're wrecking it! Get away from me! Can it just be like Accio wand? That's true. He's got to get behind me so it stabs me. He finally is, so he's real good at magic. Okay, so don't you need the wand

to cast that? Well, yeah, but no, because the thing is like when you get this is dangerous territory because I'm talking Harry Potter in front of a live audience that can yell back. Yes. I would confidently say 100% someone said ooh and that was a fair enough noise. I'm not confident in this at all.

I would say that Draco is probably a skilled enough wizard that by his final years of Hogwarts he could probably perform spells. One list, Matt. Look, let's put it to the audience. form. Spells without a word. Wandless, man. Let's look. Let's put it to the audience. Just because Harry's a shit too.

Yeah. Could Harry do wandless? Yeah. He made the glass disappear and then he fell in a snake pit like a dickhead and then got frightened. He let a snake loose in a zoo.

He made his aunt real big and float away. He should have gone to jail for that. He should have gone to jail for letting the snake out. If a Slytherin did that, Dumbledore probably would have had them executed. I know. But because it's Harry, it's fine. He's the chosen one. Fuck off.

Harry Potter's just a boy. No, even Draco Malfoy's just, it's fine. He's the chosen one. Fuck off. Harry Potter's just a boy. No, even Draco Malfoy's just a boy. Yeah. If I shoot him with a bow and arrow, he falls down and cries. You say Draco's willing to kill, but is he? Yeah, he's ready to kill Dumbledore. He is, but then he doesn't. He's sad about it, but he's ready.

No. If you put Draco Malfoy in a situation where you were like, everyone is killing each other Draco would be like team murder He's a bit of a piss baby He says he's a weasel boy He says he's all whatever But you know who went and saved his ass?

Snape did How did that go for Snape? Pretty fucking good I hate Snape, I'm glad he's dead Me too, fuck him off Yeah, good Lily died, get over it I hate Snape. I'm glad he's dead. Me too. Fuck him off. Yeah, good. All right.

Lily died. Get over it. She moved on. Fuck off. Grow up. Literally, like, there's fucking... Snape would be like, I'm such a nice guy. No, you're not. No, you're not.

You're a bad man. You're a grown man. He was going to kill a kid's pet as a goof. Remember, he's like, oh, Neville, what if I poison your toe? That'd be funny. And it would. It would have been hilarious. Hey, Snape, what if my mom left you for my dad? Wouldn't that be funny?

And then he'd cry. Give me a Harry Potter where Harry's like just intimately aware of that dynamic his whole year, just using it against Snape. Harry, ten points from Gryffindor. My mom never loved you. So I don't give a fuck. Yeah.

Take as many points away from me as you like, but you can't like gain love. You're unlovable, Snape. I don't know. And maybe wash your hair. There's no showers at Hogwarts. I get that. There's a bath.

Harry's literally in that in a book. And now I understand what our audience get angry about. Just ignore basic facts. I did just make the claim there are no showers from nothing. That's a whole Chamber of Secrets is in a bathroom. I reckon Malfoy would be married. Why would there be no bathrooms in Hogwarts? They're wizards, man. I'll tell you my strategy with Malfoy.

Because you're right. He doesn't want to kill So, say the three of us are in the Hunger Games Again, from District 15, the plumbing boys I was like, please I cannot look after this town alone Come along So they brought me along, I'm like, alright

So I'm going to run at Malfoy and get him to kill me He'll be so distraught, you guys can take him out So I hold a knife And I'm like, grab this knife Malfoy And then I just dive onto it He's like, what this knife, Malfoy, and then I just dive onto it. He's like, what's happening? And then you, with a brick or something. Okay, how this would actually happen,

you'd fuck it up, stab myself, die in front of him, and then we'd go to brains him, and then somehow you'd be like, oh, I'm alright, and stand in the way and you'd get brains by both of us at the same time. Two rocks on either side meet in the middle of my skull. Pop your brain out.

Yeah, right. Boo! Malfoy's like, is that gonna land? You're like, not anytime soon. Boo! Holy shit. And then Malfoy's like, I won the Hunger Games, but my brain comes down, smacks him in the head, he dies,

and everyone's like, we don't quite know what to do. I guess Jackson won, but posthumously... Oh, that's like that boxing match where the dude died in the ring and then won, because the other guy was disqualified for killing him. That's fucking great. You laugh, but that's a real thing that happened.

You laugh harder because you're a monster. I reckon Malfoy is a pretty good pick Pretty good pick And he gets brain by Jackson's brain Brained with a brain Okay look, how about I'm on a beast theme for some reason

You are Are you picking another wolf? Kind of It's the beast from Beauty and Him Is he a teen? Well, he's 11 when he gets turned into a beast. Yeah. And when Belle meets, another Belle, when she meets him,

he's like turning 21 or about to turn 21. So I reckon if we get him in his teen years. You want him at 19 when he's come to terms with the fact that he is a beast and he's angry about it. He's so angry. And he hasn't known human love yet. Yeah, you don't want to get him when he's disenfranchised about being a wolf.

Disenchanted is the word I was looking for there. Con, though, is that he knows he's got to find true love, so he might think of The Hunger Games as kind of like a bachelorette situation and treat it as such. It's also pretty rough for him to have to be like, he's like any of the women in the Hunger Games could be my true love, that would be nice,

but I also have to kill them all. And eat them, I assume. Does it count? So say he finds his true love, he's a man again, and then he kills them and eats them. Wait a second. Yes? I've realized the connecting theme here

for all of Joel Zalman's choices, and when he was thinking about these, this is the one thing he would have been like, oh, that's the biggest pro. Everyone he's picked would consume man flesh. Hey, it's called the fucking hunger games, douche-o. You're hungry.

Do you know how everyone I've chosen would eat man flesh? So it's not really much of a denominator. Hell, everyone you've chosen in a pinch. Draco might not. Just because he's too much of a denominator. Hell, everyone you've chosen in a pinch. Draco might not. Just because he's too much of a little piss boy. You know what? Draco could also just be like

magic food. Not create food because I know you can't do that. Don't worry. Yeah! You're welcome. President Snow is there having a turkey leg and whoop! Kills the boy. Imagine it like pops his arm out of

its socket. That's how he... Draco becomes like the Mockingjay because he accidentally kills President Snow. President Snow just got the chicken in his neck and Draco pulls it out of the middle of it, killing him. No, but it doesn't work because Draco

got brained by my brain. So they're like, like well everything just worked out I guess also I just feel like that my I know that's not how she became the mockingjay just

she didn't kill Snow and then everyone was like oh yeah you're good you lead the rebellion just so you know I know that I made a comment everyone went a bit quiet it's okay

it's fine but I reckon yeah Beast would do alright can the Beast I'm trying to think if there's a way the Beast can use his Beast powers to make everyone cut way the beast can use his beast powers

to make everyone cutlery. Can you refuse an old woman in the middle of the Hunger Games? He just keeps refusing people in the Hunger Games. And hopes one of them will turn everyone into cups. And then he's like, sweet, did it. Does he win? No, because they're alive still.

Really, the benefit of the beast is... If you turn him into weapons that he could kill... If you turn me into a knife and I know I need to kill someone, I'm just going to stab them with my head. The benefit of the beast is just that he is ferocious and more powerful than a child. Yeah. No, at the end of the day,

even with several spears or bow and arrows in him, he can still rip a child in half. Yeah, and he's got that anger that even if he regrets it, he'll do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll kill a kid. He'll kill several. Yeah. What about this?

What if he does find his true love on the battlefield? Then he's just a weak, prissy guy. Beautiful blonde hair. That's good. District 15. We just keep yelling that we love him. Beast, I love you. Beast, I love you unconditionally. And he's like, no!

We're your true love, all three of us. Oh no, now I'm just a fancy boy. Polyamory's alright, Beast. And then we just beat the shit out of him. Love hurts! It's tough love, Beast. Hunger games, bitch! And then we consume his flesh.

Yep. I'm not going to eat a beast. He looks yuck. Oh, he's a man at this point. I'm not going to eat a man. Well, I guess someone's going hungry. Alternatively, I become likable and people send me food. Yeah, look, it's an option.

Well, I guess. By become likable, I mean stay likable. I mean, that's one strap. I just know it's not an option for me, doucher, so I've got to eat people, all right? Also, stay likable. I mean, that's one strap. I just know it's not an option for me, Dusha, so I've got to eat people, all right? Also, I want to. All right, what about this? All right.

Old mate. He's not none of this beast shit or this magic shit. He's just wily. Ferris Bueller. Oh. All right. All right. Things always go well for Ferris Bueller.

He's basically just like a luck mage. Yeah, nothing goes wrong for Ferris. Ferris starts an impromptu fucking parade in the middle of town. What's his chosen weapon? What if they're like, Ferris, come in here. His winning smile. 12 out of 12. He's such a threat.

Alternatively, Cameron. My weapon is my sad friend. Trying to get him to have a good day and he'll destroy things for me if he needs to. He's good at doing voices. Cameron. Cameron can do Ferris Bueller's dad. Adam is pointing

at himself when we said Cameron. His sad friend. Cameron! Ferris Bueller? No. Fair. The guy that steals Cameron's car. Yes. That guy's greasy looking. He is very greasy looking.

But yeah, everything goes right for Ferris Bueller. And Ferris Bueller is very manipulative and very good at getting everybody to do what he wants. Cameron is sick. Like, really sick. Like, sad. Yeah. And Ferris somehow convinces him to get up and spend the entire day with him. He's just gonna keep

calling and calling and calling. Ferris Bueller can be annoying. Ferris Bueller can. Again, the problem, Con, is that Ferris Bueller's a guy. He's just a human being. He's a human being, but he's a charming human being. I reckon he could win them all over. So he's really just basically got to go up against whoever's last.

So it's going to be Ferris v. Katniss. I just want to double check something. Quick question. How many people does Katniss kill in the original Hunger Games? Like directly kill. Okay, she drops a bunch of hornets on that lady. Does that kill her? That definitely kills her.

Is that it? She only kills... Oh, wait. And she kills the person who kills Rue. In the film, yes, she does, yes. So two people? So two people. Two people, and one of them was from Revenge.

Yeah. Don't murder kids. Unless they previously murdered a kid, then that's fine. Then kill away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, that's fine, I guess. Yeah. So, okay, so first we all need to kill away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, that's fine, I guess. Yeah. Okay, so Ferris Bueller, we all need to kill someone.

Yeah, of course. Well, but Ferris Bueller, he's going to weasel his way out to be like not kill or like get everyone else to kill for him. So it's going to be Ferris V whoever's last. And I think that's going to be Travis. Cameron kills 10. Ferris is like, you got to kill him. He's like, I don't want to.

Your dad will love you I'm just gonna keep asking you to he's gonna keep calling and calling he's gonna keep asking and asking and asking and Cameron's like

fine and he murders that yeah so how will Ferris do against Katniss well if Katniss seems

determined and Katniss has a bow and arrow and Ferris Bueller just has Cameron so that's one arrow in Cameron if Ferris pushes Cameron at Katniss has a bow and arrow and Ferris Bueller just has Cameron. So that's one arrow in Cameron. If Ferris pushes Cameron at Katniss

and then sweeps around, he's got no physical capabilities. No. Sweeps around the side and... Oh, he's got the cardio though. Look, he runs as fast as a car. And jumps over fences. That's true. He has time to as a car. And jumps over fences. That's true.

He has time to talk to ladies. That's a good point. What if he just kept running, though? He might try and woo a lot of the districts. Yeah, absolutely. He has a girlfriend. You don't need to worry about it. That's true.

He just introduces himself to two ladies that are tanning in their backyard. They shouldn't be fine with that. They're tanning in the shade. If you go re-watch that movie, they're in the shade, but still tanning. It's very weird. If someone jumped over my back fence, even if I was just sitting out there,

and they were like, oh, hey. I was like, hey, I'm Ferris. Nice to meet you. I'd be like, what the fuck? I'm calling the cops. No, no, no. I would shake their hand and be so fucking polite. I don't know what's going on. See, I don't know. I would de-escalate that situation. I'd be like, sure, how can I help you? But imagine Ferris Bueller, he jumps because he doesn't-

You're a coward. Yes. He doesn't initially go talk to the ladies. So he jumps the fence. Runs past them. Yeah, so he'd run past. I'd be like, rude, I'm right here. And then when he turned around and came back and introduced myself,

I'd be like, oh, he's polite. And so I'd like him yeah a polite boy but yeah I think he's getting an arrow to the brain yeah he's just got no

I mean he could keep running until Katniss gets exhausted and dies of hunger yeah but at the end of the day is Faris willing to eat the victims I don't think

he's that much of a he'll just make it into a sausage and he'll be fine he is the sausage king of Chicago of Chicago that's right.

All right, so I think at the end of the day, who has been the best fictional teen from Hunger? Is it Edward Cullen? Is it Fred Jones? Or is it Fred Jones? I think if you're going to win the Hunger Games, you've got to go to some dark places, and thankfully Fred Jones is all dark places.

You know what's going to be the easiest way for us to pick this? Yeah? We just discuss amongst ourselves. Good point, good point. No, let's take it to like a hundred of our closest friends, the audience. All right. All right. All right.

So I think my best pick, like out of the ones I suggested. So we'll start with Draco Malfoy. A golf clap. Luke. Yeah. So maybe they hate you, right? No. All right. Hang on. A golf clap? Lukewarm. Maybe they hate you, right?

Alright, hang on. I want everyone to clap that thinks that Draco Malfoy was great, but didn't want to just clap for me. Good, that silence is good! That's what you want to hear. That's good. That was stressful. I might have evicted myself from this podcast forever. The audience hate me. You're picking Draco Malfoy's best?

Because I would argue Edward Cullen. Oh wait, Edward Cullen. Fuck, I forgot about him. We'll go through. Edward Cullen. That's the same level of polite applause. A smattering of applause. Who's just clapping because you really

like me? Who's just clapping because you like me? Hold on, hold on. This table's my favorite table. No, no, not fair. This is for all of you. Who's just clapping because you like clapping? Honest, honest. People that weren't clapping before are now clapping.

Including Adam and Edgar's. You didn't clap before. Stop it. Okay, how about this? I hate them. Simba. No one likes Simba. No one likes Simba. No one likes Simba.

Simba's a bad choice. I'm clapping the audience. Yeah, yeah. That was good. All right. We'll go with Teen Wolf. No, Teen Wolf. It's not a good...

A light smattering. A light smattering. Slightly less than Draco Malfoy. Beast. Beast? Beast? From the BGA. Good answer, everyone.

All right. So I'm going to go Ferris Bueller. Good answer, everyone. All right. So I'm going to go Ferris Bueller, but can I just get just one big clap? Not now. Hold the fucking phone. On the count of three. Three, two, one. All right. That's pretty good.

Fred Jones. What did we just say? On the count of three. One, two, three. That was a big one clap. That was a big one clap, yes. I'll take it, and I'm glad I won. Like I said, you've got to go some places to win the Hunger Games,

and Fred Jones is a teen, but he's also so much more. Yeah. Yeah, he's a scary boy. He absolutely is. It's pretty late. 9.40, 9.40. Get the other one on the road.

Fair enough. We'll wrap it up then. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. And this has been Plumbing the Death Star Live and Fred Jones is going to win the Hunger Games. Woo!

Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspan's Radio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDab. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows,

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But not forever. Kisses.