Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Universe Features the Best Uber Alternative?

Episode Date: September 24, 2017

In which our heroes have places to be, people to see and want to contribute to taxis failing as they ask which fictional Universe features the best Uber alternative?Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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as we might try and open up a few extra seats here and there. Now, enjoy the show. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Flaming the Death Star, where we ask important questions like which fictional universe features the best Uber alternative? And the reason why I'm struggling right now is because I'm trying to open a fucking drink at the same time as

Introducing the episode anyway, here's a start All right, I'll go first cuz I haven't thought about this much, but I think it's a good answer mm-hmm die hard Okay, so in the first die hard yes is his name rufus i don't know i've never seen die hard go on all right anyway i'm not sure what new information i don't know how to process this jack no it's not even the fact you ever see she just threw a name at me because i was about to say i don't remember the limo driver's name, but I thought you were already answering a question I hadn't asked. I was like, ah, he knew where that was going. Not.

Who knows what I was doing. Why did you say that? I feel like that's the name. I feel like I remember from way back in the day when we did that episode where we planned a Christmas heist. You kept on saying Rufus. Hang on. Now I need to double check. Rufus is the guy? If you're right,

I'm going to be impressed. I've never seen a die-hard in my life. Oh, wait, no. Is Rufus from Bill and Ted? Rufus is from

Bill and Ted, yes. Okay, no, he's not Rufus, then. What a beautiful sidetrack that was. Yeah, straight off the bat. Argyle. Argyle.

Classic Argyle. Argyle. Argyle. Anyway. There. Classic Argyle. Argyle. That's good. Anyway. Other than there's a phone in the limo. Is that where you were going? God, please let me in. Yeah, I just really like it, because in Die Hard, it said in the universe that there's

phones in limos. No, I just like the idea that, and this is now another fucking sidetrack before we even get into the proper episode. I like the idea of an uber driver that's just like really committed to the cause of whatever whatever i'm doing okay and i've experienced this once in real life but we'll get to the real life example a bit later on so yeah in die hard our guy was like shit macatomi plaza's got getting terrorists but he like sticks around he tried yeah and then like he rams a car later on our guys in amongst it and i really

like an uber driver that's like that um in fact it has happened to me once before when i was going out drinking uh to a club and the uber driver was like oh i used to go here all the time when i was a bit younger and i had already had a few to drink and i was like fucking just come and he was like nah and i was like you sure you can just come in and he was like yeah all right so then i went to a club with my uber driver so your and it was a good night because i just kept being like my uber drivers here and people like what do you mean i was like i invited him in and they were like that doesn't happen in real life but it did so your ideal uber alternative is a limo also is easy affordable limos where the driver is committed to making sure that you get your goal does it necessarily have to be like

because i feel like any uber driver in an action universe like an action movie universe will become involved like argyle does. Yeah, I guess. But, like, it doesn't matter where I'm going. So if I'm going out drinking, this guy will be like, do you want a hand? Do you need a wingman of your drinking? So I was just trying to figure out like, what fictional universe

this is. Die hard. So I said that. Please. Die hard. I said that. Please. What? Are you saying you want every Uber driver to be Argyle? I'm happy for that to be the case, yes. Are you saying that every Uber driver has been trained to be like Argyle?

Are you saying that after the events of Die Hard, Argyle was like, you know what I should do with these newfound skills? Train people. Open an easy and affordable... A ride-sharing service. Yep. Yes.

Well, like, it's good. Top it You can't It'd be sure nice To be But that's not what I want an Uber driver for No it's just

I'm not like Sweet I've turned up At like My girlfriend's house Wanna come in No it's optional You don't have to Do you wanna come in

How many It's like Uber It's like Uber and mates Like Uber mates Yeah Yeah Yeah No cause like You don't have to Like it's still But it's like Think about Argy. Like Uber Mates. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. No, because you don't have to.

It's still... Think about Argyle and Die Hard, which you can't because you haven't seen it. Sure haven't. This is like basically... Now we're stepping into our sister show, which is good business. So it's like, all right, so it's Uber, but for the lonely. I'm not lonely. Watch your mouth.

uber i'm not lonely watch your mouth it's uber for either the lonely or the people who wants to have more fun with more people or who wants to meet ridiculous times ridiculous times my uber driver came to perseverance that's crazy so with it's it's uber mates you're basically being like i want you to not only drive me somewhere but also to hang out and we can be best buds it's the premium uber whatever it's called. I think it's called Uber Black. Yeah. Yeah. So it's Uber Black with mates.

Because like, it's also a limo. Yeah. So it's very frustrating. Because if you've been like, I want, you know, like action hero Ubers, then you're getting into shenanigans and you need a bodyguard, which is almost what I've got. No, but a partner.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like, we're not. We're just living in the real world where I don't need an Uber driver to hang out with me unless I'm doing something that requires two... I'm not in danger ever. Imagine you were like,

I'm just going to go catch this movie. Yeah. Go on by yourself because your friend's busy. He's sick. Why'd I go? You bailed on your last minute. What's he got? Who I go? He bailed on you at the last minute. What's he got? Whooping cough. Oh, yeah, no, good.

I don't want to get that. You were so like, Jesus, bullet dodged there. I did. But now I got these tickets I, for some reason, can't cancel. They're non-refundable. You booked online and the terms and conditions of the...

I always get a try to read those. You just fucking accept. Unfortunately, bookings made online cannot be altered. Yeah, it's very frustrating. And I got two. And no other friend wanted to come. I guess I found out with a whooping cough. As I booked my Uber, where's your friend?

Oh, no. Dodged a bullet there. Right. So I get in the car and I'm like, what am I going to do with this second ticket? You're like, Argyle. Thank God it's Argyle. He's like, yeah, man, what's up?

You're like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm just probably just going to keep driving. I guess after this, I got no real plans. I want to come see the lovely bones. See the lovely bones the movie that jumped into my head see the lovely bones it's 2013 you had lovely bones new moon popped into my head

for some reason so am I paying Argyle no no no the fair stop he doesn't get paid that's my next question for Argyle's perspective how does he get paid

because what he's doing is he's sacrificing his earnings for the next two hours. He gets to see a movie for free. By seeing a movie. But what he could earn in two hours. It wasn't even that good. It's like what? How much is a ticket in 2013?

Let's say 20 bucks. Yeah. Probably a bit less, but yeah. Slightly less, yeah. It was 18.50. Let's say 18.50 Yeah. Probably a bit less, but yeah. Slightly less, yeah. It was $18.50. All right, let's say $18.50. And he's like, well, in two hours, I could probably earn more than $18.50. Although currently, maybe not, because maybe Uber are not doing that great for the drones.

That's true. But yeah, I'm pretty sure he could earn more in $18.50. Don't know how I feel about that Uber slander. That little bloody slight against Uber. No, but fair. No, no, no, no. Fuck taxis. There we go. Now the slander's equal. What if I just chuck

it in the app? I mean, this is just good business, but what if as part of the app I can be like, Argyle, I'd like to go from this location to this location, and then it's like, you know, do you want the extra? And I'm like, yes. Drop down menu, see a movie, and it chucks a price on like, yes. Drop down menu, see a movie.

And it's chucks of price on the end there. Yeah. Okay, maybe. You're going to have to. Did I get the tickets for free? Or did I buy them? Hang on. If we could take him out for a lovely dinner. If I'm like, I've got a sweet date.

Yeah. And then my date cancels on me. I'm like, shit. Hey, Argyle. Because I'm assuming it's mandatory for every person who drives a limo to be called Argyle. Argyle, shit. Hey, Argyle. Because I'm assuming it's mandatory for every person who drives limo to be called Argyle. Hey, Argyle. My dinner date cancelled.

But I'm in the reservation for two. So when come in with, they're like, yes, I do. I'm like, sick. Thanks, Argyle. We go and have a lovely meal. Do I have to pay for A, Argyle's time and B, that meal? No, see, I reckon you just pay for the thing, and he can say no if he wants to.

But in this university, they never say no. Unless it's like, I mean, you can't ask him to do, like, fuck things. You can't be like, hey, I'm going to this orgy. It's a water sports orgy. Do you want to get pissed on Argyle? And he's like, look, I don't want to kink shame, but that's just not for me. What if you're like, look, I don't want to kink shame, but that's just not for me. What if you're like, look, thank you for driving me and my buddies to this, what's it called?

Naga. Nagatomi Plaza. Nagatomi Plaza. All right. So we're going to hold these people hostage. You keen? You keen? You in?

You can say no. No actual. I'm pretty sure if we go back a couple of minutes, she's like in? You can say no. No, actually. I'm pretty sure if we go back a couple minutes, douche is like, you can't say no. No, I said he can say no, but in this universe he never does unless it's something fucked. And then I use the orgy example. Terrorism is probably worse. Look, it's not actually terrorism.

It's terrorism to hide a far less crime. Does that make it better for you? Of robbing. Yeah, I'm in. Nah. Oh man, they wouldn't have an Argyle v. Argyle fight in the car park. Oh, that's a good quote.

Hey, so Argyle, we're going to go and beat up another Argyle. You in? You can say yes. No, no, no. It's not a fierce, because you haven't seen Die Hard, but at one point there's a truck getting away

and Argyle sees it and he's like, this and then drives his limo into it you're basically looking for an uber driver that for the course of your time with the uber driver is your absolute ally yeah that's what you're looking yeah no and that's my perfect Uber alternative. Is there like a competitive where it's not like Lyft, but it's like Gruber? Oh, Gruber. Han's Gruber. Well, the universe I was going to choose was the Disney universe.

Boo! But four, they can change you into an animal in the Disney universe. Some animals are faster than people. Cheaters! Become a cheater. You're going to have tired legs. That's fine.

Real tired legs. You're going to be so sweaty. Are you being turned into a cheater or is someone turning themselves into a cheater and you hop on their back? It's a wizard. They turn you into a cheater. All right. Or there's a cheater there. You do a slight against a cheater.

That's how it starts. Then you become a cheater for justice. Then you run to the end, learn your lesson, become a man again. What if I don't learn my lesson? And what if I'm like in a rush? I'm like, I can't slight this cheetah. Cheetah, you're a dickhead.

It's easy to, the cheetahs are in it. Can I just call it a dickhead? Yeah, that's enough. All right, that's it? That's all it takes. I don't know how I feel about that type of animal abuse. And I'm like, cheetah, you're a dickhead. Thank you, I'm a cheetah.

The cheetah knows it gets me if it's called a dickhead. I probably shouldn't have called that cheetah a dickhead. Back to human. Yeah, there it is. How sweaty are you? Not sweaty because whenever anybody becomes a human again, they're not like, man, I'm tired from all that hopping or running or whatever. But they never turn into a human literally just after they finish running.

Sometimes. When? The guy in Brother Bear turns back into a human after climbing a mountain. And he's like, thank God I'm a man again. So it's not tiresome. You're rejuvenated. That's true. It's magic as well.

So you'd all be like pepped up. Yeah, you're fine. Then you arrive at your business meeting having just been a cheater. Go to your job. Go to the big presentation. I reckon the first time that happens, you're going to be very distracted at your presentation. Because being a cheater really takes to your job. Go to the big presentation. I reckon the first time that happens, you're going to be very distracted at your presentation, because being a cheater really takes it out of a man.

Look, initially, yeah, but like when we first had Ubers in our universe, we were like, oh, I don't know how I feel about this, but now we're like, whatever, more than an Uber, fuck it. There would be nothing more normal than driving your car down the road and seeing cheaters and eagles left and right, swooping and rotting.

Eagles, yeah. Easy. Avoid the traffic. Become an eagle. Become an eagle. Jackson Bay. I guess you gotta book for the eagle to come to you. Call it a dickhead. Call it a dickhead. Off you go. Become an eagle. Flight of your business appointment. Yeah. Yeah. I think

that's the fucking better than Argyle service. Sorry, I wasn't's the fucking better than... Argyle service. Sorry, I wasn't listening because I just heard worse ideas than mine. No, I mean, I don't know how I feel about that. Magic is pretty good. No, look, I'm on board for the magic thing. I just don't know... First of all, I don't know if an ingenuine slight would work.

Or is it going to be like the fairy godmother? Okay. We have to get somewhere on time and so she just turns things like into better things. Oh yeah that works as well. I basically just want to use Disney magic. So you could be like I don't have a car and they're like that's fine. Give me a pumpkin. We'll turn your dog into a horse and we'll turn

one of your hats into a coach and that'll take you to wherever you need to go. You know what? Let's do that. It's a bit luxurious now. It's not about speed. It's about style. Alright, because I'm going to say like horses that's just one horsepower. Whereas a car is several.

At least four. Maybe when your Uber godmother arrives they've got a little bag of mice and they throw four down. Now they're horses. Throw down a pumpkin. Now it's a carriage Off you go What happens to the other end though?

You gotta let them loose The beauty of this Our universe Once they drop you off they can keep going Maybe they turn one of the mice into a coach driver So five mice rather than four. So really, it's less about the magic and more about just a lot of coaches. It's more about the mouse number, it seems like.

No, but all you've done now is you've just created like a horse and cart coach. Yeah. Like Uber service. Yeah, that's all right. Because also- Is that wrong? Yeah. Okay, all right, all right.

So you're thinking of it from your perspective, which is great. But think of it from like the Uber alternative perspective. Okay. So at the start of the day, they are mice. Yeah. All right. So you're thinking of it from your perspective, which is great. But think of it from the uber alternative perspective. Okay. So at the start of the day, they are mice. Yeah. They get turned into a proud horse and carriage. And maybe get a lad who is maybe a mouse, but not. He is a mouse.

Yep. And so he's like, all right, you're the first job. Godmother comes in. That's happening. Yeah. You then hop in the carriage. You go to where you gotta go You go You're like thank you goodbye

Then what? Then Think about the congestion Do they then be like And then they move on On their app There's someone else to pick them up They just travel

By a coach to them Cause that's slow Maybe the fairy Because also If you're using the fairy godmother Why doesn't she just Teleport you? It's the modern day

I'm like fairy godmother I need to get somewhere. She's like, don't worry, and she turns a mouse into a car. All right. She gets in the mouse and drives me wherever I need to go. There you go. Or she gets two mice, turns one of the mice into a driver, and when we arrive at our destination,

there's like a time limit on it or whatever, and when we arrive at our destination, there's like a time limit on it or whatever, and when we get to the destination, they become mice again. We'll get you where you have to go in one hour or less, guaranteed, because if you're still in that Uber, my God, that mouse. You're in trouble.

Now you're in a mouse. You've killed a mouse. You've just exploded a mouse. It probably doesn't even have to be a mouse, really, does it? I don't know how it works Well I mean then it's just Uber again Then I've just redone Uber You've just redone Uber with magic

Get rid of the driver and there's just like a bunch of magic cars You've basically got self driving cars that are magic Yeah that are mice I much prefer Yes It's also pest control There's not... No, now you've congested the roads heaps.

If there's enough to make a dent in the mice population, you've fucked the roads. Oh, just for your house? Like, I'm sure there's mice in this house, Samit. Yeah. You need to get somewhere you don't have a car. So you just made a lot of... I only need one car.

Yeah, you can just call one mouse. Yeah, but that doesn't really do much for pest control, does it? Because that's just one mouse. You see the problem? But when you arrive at your destination, that one mouse is gone. Yeah, but I still have many more mice to deal with. Well, the next time you catch an Uber,

that's another mouse. Well, I guess. I hate it, but I guess. Or unless I get an Uber back, and then I've just increased the rat population by one. Well, what's something you've got too much of anyway? Jacksons. Oh, yeah.

Fuck. They turn you into a car. See, that's better. They turn you into a car. When you get to your destination, you become you again. So how many wizards are there? I'm assuming there's probably a lot of wizards or godmothers yeah a lot of godmothers are wizards

I like the idea of like just like just to make this whole thing redundant like the wizards rock up to your destination in a car like they drive themselves they step out alright this is gonna hurt a lot oh my god I'm just thinking

you need a godmother at your end, but you also need a godmother at the other end. So it's like, if that's the same godmother, how'd they get there? They fly? Pick me up. Maybe they give you a time limit. They're like, you better get there in an hour, or you're going to be standing in the middle of a highway,

just as a person. Good luck. Or they'd be like, all right, here's this. They do magic timers, right? So I was like, okay, cool. I've arrived. Boop, you're at the car. And that average time for this is going to take 17 minutes.

So you've got 18 or maybe 20 minutes. If you get there, you can just press something and then you become you again. Or in 18 minutes. Well, hang on. Why don't you just press something? Just leave that button. What I like to do is you've got to wait 18 minutes because I love the idea of you guys being like,

Jackson, where are you? And I'm like, oh, I'm still in the car. I'm still in the car. I'm probably going to be gone for another three or four minutes. Yeah. Feel free to come and wait with me. That's cool. No, I'm going to wait inside.

I don't want to see that. So, yeah, either a time limit or a button you press and you're no longer a car. Yeah. Your clothes are going to tear. Has there ever been a Disney magic where that's a thing, where they have an inbuilt fail-safe?

No. No, not at all. It needs to be a time limit. It has to be a time limit, but that's fine. That's on you now. Yeah, so it takes 17 minutes to get somewhere. You got 17 minutes,

so you're running the extra bit like a dickhead. You better hope there's no fucking traffic. You better hope that as it times slow, you slow the fuck down so that you're not driving and then all of a sudden a guy and just scraping along. I'm assuming it's also the Terminator situation where your clothes don't stretch or...

You gotta take them off. They're like laid neatly inside you. But then... On your bonnet, taped. Taped to your bonnet. Then you drive to your destination, become a man again, put your clothes on.

Naked man for a bit. Naked man for a bit, but it's part of, everyone's like, well, it's cheaper than Uber, so it's worth it. Cheaper than Uber, so fair enough.

What if, like, can you run out of fuel as a car? No. You're not really a car. It's almost cleaner. Yeah. Better for the environment. You're a man. You aren't a car. You're a man. You're a guy. You just look really a car. It's almost cleaner. Yeah. Better for the environment. You're a man. You aren't a car.

You're a man. You're a guy. You just look like a car and move like a car. It looks like a car and moves like a car. Is it not a car? No, because the internal bits are like, it's probably hollow. Oh, no. What if you're in a car crash?

If you're in a car crash, you're probably in a lot of trouble. I like to think if you're in a car crash You just become you and everyone's like Where's the other car? Because I'm imagining It looks like a car but he touches it It's kind of like flesh So if a car, like a steel car

Hits that See in my mind you just became a car But you still, if it hits you It'll damage the car that's used So that when you become you again, you're damaged you. So it still looks like you were in a car accident. It just so happens that you were the car. So if someone hits you in a car, they, like, hit you hard.

And so, like, it breaks a door. Yeah, then I come to. And your arm is, like, just mangled. But if it's a timer, I have to wait a bit. And instead of driving myself to my destination, I drive myself to the hospital. Because I know that at a certain point but that's if you're in an uber and the uber yeah yeah but do you but yeah but if the uber crashes if okay if i'm an uber yeah if i'm in our girl's uber service uber mates yeah and he accidentally rear ends a car i'm like don't worry about it

like that sucks for you not for me yeah like i, yeah, I might be a little bit late, but I was in a car accident. That's a good excuse. If I am a car and I get fucking rear-ended, my arse goes inside me. Or if you rear-end someone, his face is now inside, crumpled.

Nothing scarier than being like, oh, fuck, I've rear-ended. Oh, it's a guy. I've just hit a guy. Fuck. That's bad. I hate yours. Also, if you're on, like, say, with your tires, and it's a long trip, for example, and you wear those tires down,

what happens to your feet and hands? I guess they become very scraped. Look, it's cheaper than Uber. Oh, it's all right then. I think I much preferred your cheater idea My cheater idea was good But also Logistically was tough

Combine them, so you come in, you turn into a cheater You've got a time limit Less hard to get into a Scrape as a cheater That's true, easier to get killed by poachers Yes Much easier It is running down

like a fucking main street and a guy just pops out of his house with a gun. Like a tranquilizer. Eagle, gotta get places quicker. Power lines are now a hassle. How fucked is it to imagine a poacher that's killed you as a cheater and he's like skinned you and then the timer

runs out and it becomes a man skinned you. I was like, I hunt the greatest game. I didn't even know I was hunting the greatest game. I am the greatest poacher that ever lived. Just no remorse, just smugness. Smugness because they're like, look, that's part of it. They've got to expect poaching

if they're going to be cheaters. That's true. Look, that's the risk you run. It's funny because I'm just imagining like high street. Yeah, me too. Not the savannah or anything. Like the suburbs. What's that? Oh, there's a cheater.

What a perfect opportunity. I'm just imagining like an Alma Fod hat as well. Yeah. Tell me if you were a poacher and you saw a cheater, you're not like, lucky day. Time to get my gun You're thinking Lucky day This cheetah's escaped from a zoo

I'm gonna be hailed as a hero Time to bring it back to the zoo And I become a man In a cheetah enclosure With other cheetahs And I'm like Wait I was using that wizard

Uber service thing Please help me Then you get mauled At by cheaters. After previously being a cheater. It's a good way to go. I'm going to put it higher than Argyle, to be honest. Because what an experience.

What an experience to fucking die. Argyle just makes you feel like you've got more mates than you've got. Fake mates. Fake mates. No, genuine mates Genuine fake mates Now I was going to suggest the Marvel Universe Because I've got Nightcrawler

And he can teleport And that's pretty good He's one dude, he looks like a demon And you're going to smell like brimstone for the rest of the day Not great Also if he doesn't know where he's going You can end up in a wall Not good

You can smell like brimstone and be a wall. Yeah, I might end up in a wall. Not good. So. You could smell like Prince Tom and be a wall. Not great. None of these are good. And like, what happened? A demon got me and he put me in a wall. I'm sorry, I was late. So instead, Watchmen universe, Dr. Manhattan. Oh.

He can teleport and he can be many blokes at once. So like, a lot of Dr. Manhattans, big floppy blue dick, grabs me, puts me somewhere. He hates humanity though. Or doesn't hate them, just... We're insignificant to him. But maybe that works in his favour, because we're so insignificant he's like,

living on Mars, chatting to fucking whatever her name is, Silver Canary. Close. Black Buzzard. Worse. Less close. White eagle? No.

I'll give you... You'll get there. You're getting closer. Red puffin. Yellow fallow. No, I don't know. Silkspector 2. Not a combination of a bird and a color. Even a little bit.

Yeah, so he can be on Mars, chatting to Silk Spectre 2 and be like, you know, right now I'm running an Uber service. I'm that powerful. Because for a while he was all about efficiency. And so for this point, maybe he's still like he's like black thong on. So that's not going to be uncomfortable.

I was going to say, I will give him a bad review To be like, penis out, one star Penis out, one star In fact, every time I've got this service The penis has been out, one star Is that part of the deal? Because I don't like it But the thing with Dr. Manhattan is that he can control absolutely anything

He can alter reality So why doesn't he just change reality so that you were where you needed to go? That's probably what he'd be doing, constantly He's not even driving you there. He's just like... Here you are. You're there. You would not even need to travel.

You just enter into the Dr. Manhattan Uber app. Please, I would like to have been here. And you're like, well, I'm giving the presentation now. And I guess I was always giving the presentation. Yes. Is that dangerous for reality, though? I kind of imagine in every street corner there's just a Dr. Manhattan there. You could just go up and be like, oi, I want to go here.

Does he get money? Is it still a business? Like, I don't know if he'd care. I mean, maybe. I guess he's just doing it. It's an Uber alternative because maybe it's free. Yeah, well, hey, of all of the pitched Uber alternatives today, yours is the cheapest because what does Dr. Manhattan need for money?

Nothing. But there is two risks that the Watchmen graphic novel, I guess. The story of Watchmen, two things happen to Dr. Manhattan. Yes. One point, it's not quite disdain, but it's more than doesn't care about humanity. So if he dropped you or something mid-teleport and you died, there would be no remorse. Or, like in Nightcrawler's situation, if he teleported wrong and you ended up in a wall,

he'd be like, you are but a mere speck of dust. There's no customer service. Yeah, customer service is quite poor. And the opposite end of the spectrum, if you just say something that proves humans have worth, then you get fucking weird-ass customer service. With Silk Spectre on Mars, when Dr. Manhattan realizes that her father was an attempted rapist

and that these moments are the most human moments there are and it doesn't matter, in a million different situations that would not have happened and whatever. So if you just accidentally say something that's really profound, you'll fucking break his brain and then who knows where you'll end up. Might end up on Mars. Yeah, that's the problem.

The problem is that I might end up on Mars or I imagine something like back in time, you know what I mean? But like you're saying, it's a problem, not a sweet bonus feature. If I want to go to work, if I'm trying to get to work, and I end up on Mars... Once I've been teleported to Mars, work would become meaningless for me. Well, yeah, it's kind of like, say you're in your Uber, and you're like...

Well, I guess you don't need money when you're on Mars. You do need food, though. That's true, but Dr. Manhattan might take, what, like a ham sandwich? Give me a ham sandwich? No, because I reckon he's taking me to Mars because he's either full of disdain or full of... I just think he's very clever, but like, he's balancing a lot at once.

And if I'm not clear on where I want to go, I might end up, like, if I end up in prehistoric times, but it's good because, like, when you're, say you're catching the train somewhere, and the train breaks down, and you text your boss, and you're like, sorry, train, what can I do? Yeah, you text your boss,

Dr. Manhattan's having another one of them crises. Yeah, so I'm in prehistoric times, who knows when I'll get to work. I don't know if you're even getting this. I've set a timer for this message. I assume you'll get it I'm going to try and bury this somewhere So that it lasts

You enjoy that But like I mean other than that That's pretty good Hey no pollution Don't even probably need cars nowadays And statistically like you know How often is it going to go wrong You know

How often is Dr. Manhattan going to teleport you to Mars v. how many times an Uber crashes and kills someone? Exactly. You know? I guess that's true. Like, you lose a guy but everyone else gets to work. Yeah. I like to rank the safety.

Argyle, Dr. Manhattan. Argyle's safe. Argyle's willing to ram a truck. Argyle's loose. Argyle Dr. Manhattan Argyle's safe Argyle's willing to ram a truck Argyle's loose Argyle is very loose Dr. Manhattan Become a car Argyle No

He doesn't ram the truck when Nah If you're a cheater All the problems are approaches And maybe a car you don't see But if you're taking the footpath, that's pretty good. Then you've got to cross roads. Oh, yeah, but you just hit the lights.

That's why you choose the eagle. You've got to choose the animal. Look, Argyle, Dr. Manhattan being an animal. Oh, I disagree. Dr. Manhattan being an animal, Argyle. Argyle is too loose with the rules. He's a good driver, though. Yeah, but with both Dr. Manhattan and becoming a cheater,

it's on you or Dr. Manhattan. I guess. I don't want to rely on the one guy, who isn't even, I might remind you, the one guy. You just said they have to be named Argyle. They're all trained by Argyle. Well, that doesn't count for a shit. They got their license.

I guess. Not I guess. It's the same as an Uber. Yeah, well, that's not super safe. How many accidents have you been in an Uber? None. Yeah. How many animals have you seen being hit by cars? Some. Yeah. How many creatures? None. Yeah.

What are you eating? A bit of straw. Straw? No. What do you call the thing that wraps around a bottle lid but isn't the lid? Oh, okay. A little plastic ring. Yeah. I chew them all the time.

It's fine. Don't hate me because you hate me. I'm not hating you. I'm just confused because you're making like... It wasn't a silent chew. There was like chomping and I was confused anyway Argyle wins which one would you use?

I'd be scared of Dr. Manhattan and Argyle just sounds like Uber with alternatives I don't want yeah Argyle seems way too much like a hassle and I just don't feel I'd ever use it turning into a bird that'd be alright I'd either be depending if I want the experience of being a bird and I don't have to be there

right now, definitely choose the magical Disney service. But if I need to be somewhere instantaneous, I'm choosing Doctor Manhattan. Yeah, Doctor Manhattan. I'm going to go Argyle all the time, Doctor Manhattan every now and then and being a bird never. Hold your missing out, douche. I just don't think I'd choose Argyle because other than him

having the option of coming and hanging with me, it's just an Uber yeah I guess it's in a limo that's alright imagine an Uber but in a limo and also if you want to hang out with him you can but if you don't want to that's also fine Argyle's way it's

more expensive for you he has a phone in his car too why is it more expensive because you're ordering basically the... Nah, it's still the base price. Everyone drives a limo, it's fine. And then you're making the congestion of the roads worse. No, I'm not.

Because limos are real long. Yeah, but they don't drive slower. No, but they're long. Do you know how traffic congestion works? Yeah. It's got nothing to do with the length of cars. Not really. There are buses and we're fine. You know how traffic congestion works? Yeah. It's got nothing to do with the length of cars. It's... Not really.

There are buses and we're fine. Yeah. There are trucks and we're getting by. And buses frequently stop, so that's why they cause congestion, because a limo just drives like a car. Like, don't get me wrong, a limo is unwieldy. Yeah, I just feel if there's... It just doesn't cause congestion.

If there's the amount of... But, like, if there's the same amount of Uber drivers as there are limo drivers, I feel that's a problem. Let's check it. Parking might be an issue for them. Oh, yeah, parking. And again, it's more expensive for you

because you're paying them for the extra services. No, you're apparently not. They just want to do it. They're losing money. It's a poor business model. I opened... No, it depends on the activity. What's a poor business model. What's your business model? Okay, the actual

Uber ride is still the same price as a normal Uber. Alright, done. If you want added extras, similar to how you pay more for Uber XL or Uber fucking Black or Eats, I guess. Yeah. So if you were like, hey, let's hang out, then yeah, you're paying a bit extra. But like,

you're gonna have to be a lot extra. Not necessarily. It has to be. It depends on the activity and how willing the Uber driver is. I guess if it's like, I'm just going to the park to frolic, like, that's pretty I don't have to pay extra for it. Like, I have to pay for him to come, but I don't have to You're basically paying for his time. How much are you paying him

for his time? Depends how much he wants to be paid. I mean, like, I don't know. That's not a good service. 20 bucks an hour. You could really abuse $25 an hour. So then again, so you're paying

for a ride somewhere and you're paying 25 bucks an hour after that. Yeah. Okay. So how much is he getting a cut off

as in the Argyle? 20 bucks. How much is the company? So the company's taking $5 of that 20. Yeah. Okay. Now I want to go

to see a movie with Argyle. Yeah. So I got to pay him 50 bucks. The company, Argyle. So I've got to pay him 50 bucks. The company, Argyle's Driving School. Uber Mates. The King Argyle himself.

Okay, I'm going to go for a movie. Let's just say I live $10 away in terms of travel time. So I pay $10. Then I'm seeing a two-hour movie. They make that three because of trailers and shit. What if I got there a bit earlier? So now we've got three times 25? That's $75.

$75. Okay, $85 to see a movie? Alright, ticket prices. Am I paying for him and me? Gotta think on this one. I reckon there's a discount movie price for the Uber in this world. So let's say...

$105, i'm not paying for him we'll bump him up to five bucks we're working with the cinemas so we're like all right cinemas it's uh buy 10 10 dollar tickets to uber drivers for argyle's argyle's tickets all right so we're still sitting above 100 bucks that's fine you don't have to though that's the thing you could also just pay 10 and go to the movies i feel your business is going to take if i was a dragon and i had all this money on my table i would close my suitcase and say no all i'm offering really is a world where it's a normal uber service but there's optional extras at the end if you want them but if you don't want them it's still operating as

an uber business then i just i don't know no one is choosing everyone's choosing if you don't want them, it's still operating as an Uber business. I just... No one is choosing it. Everyone's choosing it. I don't. You just have to pay my wizards and fairy godmothers one doubloon. How much is that in Australian dollars? I don't know the doubloon to Australian dollars. Hang on, I'll Google it. They might do it for free if you learn a lesson.

Hey, Siri. How much is a doubloon in Australian dollars? Here's what I found on the web for how much is a doubloon in Australian dollars? Here's what I found on the web For how much is a doubloon in Australian dollars Thank you Thank you Siri You're such a jab And Dr Manhattan is free

So I mean like that's I would choose my one personally I vote for me I also vote for you Jack It's a bit safer than I'm willing to pay one doubloon Or learn a sneaky lesson

As opposed to the potential Unsafe nature of Dr. Manhattan But I'm not choosing Argyle service That's alright I'm choosing Argyle Fuck yeah Argyle Die hard Live free or die hard.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel also. Tweet me at Deuce13 to let me know that Argyle's a great choice. Fuck, imagine if I throw in Al. Two mates. Al's the police officer from Die Hard. So you get

a cop and a limo driver at all times. If you want. That's good if I'm going to a cop and a limo driver at all times. If you want. That's good if I'm going to a bad neighborhood. No, I'm coming around. We signed off, you can't argue with it, but I will accept praise. Now you've got to pay twice as much for paying the cop does it as his civic duty.

Yeah, it's a combo deal. He's paying the cops. The government. So now, big government. So now you've got a government-funded limo service. Fuck yeah. With a cop. Actually, no, think about...

What if he sees a crime on your way to... Does he have to do it? Does a fireman have to put out a fire? No. I assume yes. No. It's the same with an ambulance driver. If a paramedic was to run over a...

This could be... Okay, I'm just going to 100% preface... Preface this with? Preface this with, this could be an urban myth, but I'm pretty sure that if an ambulance was to, say, hit a pedestrian, they are not under any obligation to treat that pedestrian.

The pedestrian is then meant to call 000 or 911. Because they've got a dying person in the back. What is the duty of care of a police officer who sees a crime? If they're off duty, they don't have to act. So you've got an off-duty cop in your... But if they're on duty, I guess they do have to act. No, they just call the others.

Oh yeah, they're gonna walkie-talkie. Don't worry about it. But if they leave, they're fleeing the scene of the crime. No, they're not. Because they're driving past the scene of the crime. They weren't on the crime They're not on the scene to flee What if someone speeds and overtakes you The cop can be like We'll arrest them if we pull them over

Glock are their wheels There's so many problems There's heaps of solutions Anyway thanks for listening Get out of my car Get out Get out of my car. Get out. Get out of my car.

Get her out of here. Woo. Hope she's okay. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio. Or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead.

And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com uh thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses