Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fictional Universe Offers the Worst Education? LIVE from Sydney!

Episode Date: October 23, 2016

In which our heroes drove for 9 hours, checked into an Air B&B from hell and did a live show in Sydney while asking which fictional Universe Has the worst education system? It's a wild ride where the boys discuss the logistics of an education solely by booping, investigate school ruses within ruses and just wish Jackson would stop publicly supporting genocide. Zammit can't figure out if Cyclops is alive or dead, Duscher doesn't want to shoot his dog and Jackson just can't help himself. Brace yourselves as the boys realise that no such thing as a perfect education, while almost simultaneously realising that nothing will ever stop Jackson's burping rampage. Nothing.Want to help us have the best education? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can learn gud.In Melbourne and want to see the Plumbing Boys live? You can purchase your tickets right here https://www.trybooking.com/NIPH.And don’t forget to check out everything Dinosaur Park related on iTunes, https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.com/product/dinosaur-world/ and https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/imagination-adventures-limited-run/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Hey, everyone. If you're listening to this episode and think to yourself, damn, I wish I were in that audience. Well, if you happen to be in Melbourne on the 4th of November, well, do I have the solution for you. Because we're doing another live show

at our old faithful, the Eureka Hotel in Richmond. Tickets are available in the show notes below. And before I go, if you're a fan of our Dinosaur Park themed adventures, well, we've got a couple of announcements. The first four episodes of Dinosaur Park, the 1986 tabletop RPG, is now available for free on iTunes right now, and every subsequent episode will be released every Saturday. So go over there, download that, and give us a sneaky rating and review. And of course, the complete adventure is available on the Patreon Dropbox or at sanspantsradio.podkeep.com.

And speaking of Podkeep, the direct sequel, Dinosaur World, the post-apocalyptic RPG for ages 10 and up, is available for a limited price of £ quid 50 we also have a very limited run of usb tapes because after we'd sent everything off to the printer we found out that jackson had another installment in the works to complete his and i quote trilogy so as of recording there's only nine left has exclusive cover art and each purchase will have early access to dinosaur universe when that's ready as a digital download all the links for that are in the show notes. Now, enjoy the show. Drink break. Quick little drink break. Hey, guess what? I'm going to go straight into it.

Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's very special edition of Plumbing the Death Star live from Sydney. Woo! Woo! Hell yeah! Woo! In which we ask the important questions, like which fictional universe offers the worst education?

We don't need no education. Right. So, okay. I'm going to open up with my favorite universe. The Marvel X-Men universe because Charles Xavier should not be running a school. And I'm pretty sure not one of those kids get a formal education at all. As I think I've said many times before, you are taught classes but not by teachers. No, Wolverine. He's like, here's the history.

Wolverine is like a war veteran coming in to be like, I guess maths is what's on the table. And I don't think Wolverine can count. Now, you've got someone like Gambit. Now, again, I'm pretty sure Gambit is illiterate and a little bit of a sex pest. Yeah. So

I don't want him teaching my kids. It's true. Don't look offended. And he doesn't teach kids English or science or math. He actually teaches kids how to thief. He teaches them how to rob. He is the head of a thieves guild at some point.

We don't have thieves guilds anymore? No, but there is one. That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. They war with the assassins guild. Why would you ever, like this is just a problem I have with fantasy worlds, but why would you. That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. They war with the Assassin's Guild. Why would you ever, like this is just a problem I have with fantasy worlds, but why would you ever organize a thieves guild? Why would you guild that shit? That's like, let's make a murderous union.

You just, there's no point. Wow. Anyway. Yeah, so you don't really want him to. You okay now? I've had my moment. I'm doing good. You don't really want your children,

but your mutant children, your children that can warp reality, your children that can shoot lasers out of their eye beams or teleport to then have an extra skill set of stealing your shit. Because some of them have powers basically designed to steal shit. Yeah.

You get a teleporter that's eyeing you from A to B and then you're like, oh, a teleporter that's like, I can get from A to B. And then you're like, oh, that's really sick. Yeah, I can get from A to B, steal your TV, and then it's your fourth home. How do you make a lesson plan for like, so say you're teaching thieving and you've got Kitty Pryde in your class who can phase in and out of a

place. Surely you're just like, Kitty, you don't have to come in. Well done. A plus. Full marks, A plus. You're good, I guess. Cyclops, what can you do? I can shoot blaze bleeps out of my eyes. What about somebody who's like, I'm made of rocks and stones. You're like, well, you're probably not going to get anything out of this class.

No, punch a hole in the bank vault. That's not stealing. It is stealing. It's stealing, not thieving. Oh, no, you just teach him card tricks. Like, hey, not thieving. Then you probably get different cards. Oh, no, you just teach him card tricks. Like, hey, go to the casino, count cards, here's 20 bucks. You did good.

I don't want kids learning that in school. I don't want... Well, I guess learn the counter, right, fair? No, all right. I like the moment we start plumbing the desk, the moment everyone's like, shut up, you're wrong! Already, straight off the bat. But fair.

Yeah, true. But if you even go with the original five X-Men. Okay. And so it's like, comes... Please remind us. Who are them? Cyclops, who is the guy that shoots little laser beams out of his eyes. You then have Iceman, who can shoot ice beams out of his everything.

You then have... Wait, has he ever done a similar optic blast, but with ice? Because he fucking should. No, he hasn't, but you're right. He should. Just show up, Cycl up just to piss him off yeah it's me oi oi scott ha whoa no imagine that cover it would be sick it's like ice man and cyclops we need a bad cyclops because i want him to die because i hate cyclops he's already dead in this canon i'm several months behind is he back yet anyone up to yeah someone's oh Cyclops didn't stay dead forever. I'm so surprised.

I got my burp in. I'm so happy. Yeah! Fuck you. So Cyclops, he went up against Black Bolt, right? And then he got disintegrated. How did he get out of it? Deadpool and... Wait, is that current still?

Because now it's Deadpool and Spider-Man. I don't know what's going on. Anyone know? Who wants to yell out how Cyclops are alive? I'm curious. Phoenix? Comic book bullshit is winning so far. Yeah, you have the Phoenix egg for a bit.

What? Don't worry. I don't want to know. Hang on. I'm just... Alright, so yeah. So Iceman, who shoots stuff. You then have Angel, who has just wings. And can fly like a bird. And can heal a lot of stuff.

Okay. Okay. And Marble Girl, who can read your thoughts and move shit with her mind And Beast Who is a hairy blue dude but not then He just had big hands and feet Do they become educators?

Eventually But initially it's just Xavier teaching them Oh no Xavier's like One of those people that thinks Because he's so smart that he just kind of like Can educate you No no no no, no, no. We're thinking about this all wrong. Are we?

Charles Xavier, he could just put knowledge in you. Be like, hey. Shit, he's the best educator. Come here, boy. Hey, come here. You want to learn about history? Boop. All he'd have to do is like wheel up to a classroom,

look in the door and be like Just wheel to the next one There you know all about ancient history Go back to his office That's how he can hire Wolverine and shit to teach maths Even though Wolverine can't count He's just like yeah you're good Just pretend to teach

I thought you were like Wolverine needs a purpose Wolverine needs something to do Wolverine you're teaching the class well done Wolverine needs a purpose. Wolverine needs something to do. Wolverine, you're teaching the class. Well done. Wolverine without a purpose. All you're going to do is run around the world. Collapse for Wolverine.

Well done, buddy. And you're going to eat some raccoons. So he's letting you off the streets. Come on now. Come on. But that's sad that he's doing that for all the X-Men. Well, yeah. Maybe he's doing it because they're all so traumatized.

They need a purpose. He's like, from murdering their friends. He's teaching them how to. He's like, Scott, come here. See this man? Shoot him with your beam. I'm like, I don't want to bring up...

That's pretty good. Now beast, punch it. Now angel, fly ahead. That was good. It's great to imagine him being like, beast, punch it. Ah! Now, Angel, fly ahead! Oh, that was good. It's great to imagine him being like, Beast, punch it. Cyclops, shoot it with laser beams. Angel, just fly. You did

it, I guess. You look real pretty when you do it. Why do I even really... Here's a hoop! Fly through it! What's even really the purpose of you, Angel? I might just Anyway, can you sign this check for me? I love that word, the good fortune. I think that's the answer there, though.

And, like, I don't want to bring up, like, my problems with mutants and that, but... The fact that they're all in a school together. Yeah. Being taught how to do murders. Yeah. Like, that's... How does that make you feel, Jackson? What should we do about them,

Jackson? You had a whole school of nothing but guns. If it was up to me. Which in this situation, for some reason, it is. I wouldn't let them start it in the first place. Okay, Professor X has gone on holiday.

You've taken over for a week. You've got a week to fix it. What are you doing? Okay, so let's get Beast, because he's the cleverest. Yeah. Be like, make a cure. Everyone line up. No, no.

This is just a vaccination. It's for the flu. Gotcha, good. And I fuck off. Xavier comes back. He's like, all right, Cyclops. Laser beam the guy. Cyclops is like, this little fucking potato-shaped fuck came in.

He said it was for the flu, but now none of us have powers. By that time, I'm on a boat in the middle of the ocean, because they can't get me there, and Xavier's wheelchair's bad on boats, so I'm good. Slips a lot. Basically the perfect crime. Keyword crime. I would say genocide.

It's just taking their powers. It's not genocide. It's very unethical. You just want to be Syndrome from The Incredibles. No, wait. It's very unethical. Just taking their powers. You just want to be Syndrome from The Incredibles. No, wait. No, I don't. The opposite.

Reverse Syndrome. I want to be, yeah. If no one's super, then no one will be. No one has powers, then good. But then the problem there is you've left Xavier

with powers. And also just the rest of the Marvel Universe. I'm just going to get like Iron Man. Going to be on my boat like, with like a fishing rod on my boat with a fishing rod on my boat being like,

yeah, sweet. Gone. I think what will probably happen is Charles will just roll in. Scott will explain it. After he's like, shoot that thing. Scott's like, I can't. You've gotten rid of the heroes.

You haven't got the villains. Uh-oh. I just go to the building and do the same thing. Wait till Magneto's fucked off. Slide on in and be like, hey, I'm just standing in for it. Dr. Jackson Bailey. Hey, look, Sabretooth, you're out there killing things. You need, like, some flu shot.

Yeah, up you go. You would hope that word had spread by that point. They're like, some little potato fuck is coming around trying to give you flu shots. They're not. Just blast him the moment he arrives. I imagine that you're in your boat in the middle of nowhere. You just hear a faint boop boop boop and your head just pops.

Pretty much. I wouldn't go to your funeral. That's fair. I caused some problems. But I think a good solution for the Ailey's ex-mansion would be to hire teachers. No, no, no. It's a good education system.

As long as Charles is educated and not just like, I'm an old man and here's some old-timey history. Yeah, but if Charles is... Okay, first off, all right. So Charles can put knowledge from one brain to another. Yeah. So he needs the initial brain. What about books?

Can he go like... Books don't have brains. Books don't have brains, mate. Fuck. You need a different reason for that. It's called reading. That's the one. You got me good.

You loved that I got good. Fuck, that was good. So, again, he needs a... All he's got to do is go to an actual school. I guess he's got to go to Cerebro, just enter the thing. Wait, no, he just reads books while being like, oh, yeah, sick. You all did your homework.

Good job. Yeah. It's a lazy way. Nobody's really getting educated. I'm not impressed. All right. So look, it started out sounding like it was the worst possible one. Now it seems like a six out of ten.

It's like the student who didn't study all semester. You rock up and you get an A. And you're like, as an educator, you just. I would not know what that is like. You did good, but I'm not happy about it. You didn't earn it. What was it like marking my assignments? Hey, imagine if you tried, Dusha.

Imagine if you tried. The world would not be ready for that. Look at me now, Zammett. That's true. We're on the same level. So I guess it's a... It's not great, but it gets the job done. Yeah, I guess they do get an education.

I think. And also they can murder people. Yeah, that's good. Two benefits. I think a worse one, a far worse one, because nobody's getting educated at all, is Hogwarts. Surely. No, yes. Fuck wizards.

Yeah, fuck wizards. Get rid of their magic. Fuck wizards. No! Stop that. Because if you get rid of their magic. Fuck with it. No. Stop that. Because if you get rid of the magic, and they're just muggles, and then they just get an education,

then they're just, we'd do the same thing. You can't get rid of magic. Well, we figure out a way. Who's the cleverest person in Harry Potter? Hermione. Dumbledore. Dumbledore. Hey, Dumbledore. Dumbledore. Hey, Dumbledore, don't die.

Here's an idea. Just nick the magic out of everyone. Throw it away. Can you be like Expelliarmus magic? Yeah. And just like get the magic liver, I assume, out of them? Whatever makes the magic, we just take it. I like you haven't explained.

You've skipped explaining why it's a bad education system, being like, Hogwarts, fuck Hogwarts, kill wizards. Let me tell you about how I'm gonna kill wizards. You've gone into genocide mode again, real quick. Let me just hop upon my soapbox and... No, so... Yeah, yeah. There you go. Get him again! Some potato-shaped

fluffy potato fuck just strolled into our castle. Throughout charms. I like that Some potato shaped fuck. Fluffy potato fuck. Strolled into our castle. No. I like that you can see. I like that out of every muggle. Because there's no chance you're a wizard. I know.

Just for some reason you can see Hogwarts. It's a clerical era. There you are. Anyway. What's your name? Bailey. We have a Bailey. Rider Bailey. Yeah. What's your name? Bailey. We have a Bailey. Rider Bailey.

Yeah, that's me. Yeah, I'm him. Let me in. Good. Okay. None of this seems right. Your dad would also be a wizard. Everybody in my family would be a wizard but me. 100%.

Squib. I'd be a squib. I'd be absolutely a squib and justified in taking their magic because they're mean to me. I'd be mean to you. That's not good reasoning. No. So. Let's get to the fucking actual point. So in. Why it's

a bad education system. I know it got confusing but let's get there Jackson. We're getting there. So in Xavier's School for Mutants at least people are getting taught like bad maths. Or bad history. Or they're just getting it booped into their brain. When you pop one claw, that's one.

I can only count to three. Six. My clone daughter can count to four. It's alright. But at Hogwarts, you actually just never receive any kind of traditional education. Most of those wizards are presumably illiterate and numeric.

And a quarter of them are assholes. Yes. Yeah, like they are. You're not educating them and then you just have one quarter just being dicks. Just being bad people. And it's not just uneducated.

You're like, hey, by the way, you have all these like, you can turn someone into a cup. It's the problems of Xavier's school but worse. Compounded, you know? Because there's no like knowledge thing. You're not giving them like the right Okay, okay, okay. Same kind of thing with Xavier. If you've got like smartest man in the world or whatever.

Dumbledore. The Penn State thing. And you can use memories. If you drank that. I'm doing it. Good idea. Dumbledore. The Penn Seep thing. Yeah. And you can use memories. If you drank that. Oh. I'm doing it. Nolly. Good idea. That's all I'm hearing.

Great idea. No. Drink the silver brain juice. Drink it. Bathe in it. I always wonder what would happen if you just tipped that out. Like, if Dumbledore's like? Jackson, come into my office. We've got to talk about your marks.

And I came in and just leant on it casually and it just all over me and turned around. Dumbledore would be like, my memories! That's so many years of my life. Mr. Bailey, we need to talk about your marks. Oh, yeah. I wanted to see what was in it, sir.

What's wrong with it? Sir, you've got some filthy water in this bowl. I'll empty it for you. You're weird, Dumbledore. I hate this school. I'm a rude student in this. You're a bad man. I like to think I'd be more polite.

I'm going to speak at this age. Why did they let me in? No, but then you're not getting an education and then you're getting dumped into what is presumably for the most part the muggle world. Like, we can get all hoity-toity and be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What?

Okay, so we go to a school, get an education so that we as a society can hopefully participate in some speed dating. Yep, good on you. And once you find the person that you're destined to, to fit into society that we need to, right? That's part of education, yeah? So with wizards,

ideally you're learning the stuff that you can participate in your own society. No, no, no, no, no, no. But you're being a hot doofus because... Which is a class-examined move. The greatest lies that wizards ever told to us is that there is a wizard society. Because there's more of us muggles than there are wizards. And wizards are living in tiny little wizard communities.

And if you want to exist in society, all of those lads going into the toilets to go down to the ministry are walking through muggle corridors and using muggle toilets. It's a muggle world. Well, because then you'd have to talk to like muggle contractors and there aren't that many wizards in the world. And I guess, yeah. Why are wizards using like a toilet you can flush into? Because like I'm pretty sure they don't know how to build a toilet.

In that scene, there's like 40 guys just standing on those toilets and flushing themselves. If you were in that station. Yeah. Wouldn't you be like, this is so strange. And you sit down and suddenly you're in the... Dragged arsehole first into a toilet. Hands down, arsehole. Like, you. Pants down, arsehole. Like, you know,

can't believe that. Also, Where am I? Pants around your ass. Also, like, what happens if you're like other people who work at the ministry

who come up, like, in late and have to be like, somebody was shitting, I'm sorry. Also, what if you're a wizard and happen to take a shit?

Hang on. What about if you're a guy that's just gone in and all 40 cubicles are taken and you're like, I'm going to shit myself. Today's the day. I thought I stopped this when I was an infant. There's a really high turnover. It's like one goes in and flushes. One goes in and flushes.

If you're a muggle shitting, the line, you'd open it up and be like, how for this? What? But all the cubicles are free. Is this upbeat? What's going on here? Am I on MTV Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd? Is this what this is?

So you're actually getting ill-educated to enter what is largely a muggle world. But not all of those wizards can become Aurors. Not all of those wizards can sell wands or whatever. But the thing is, you're going to a home or whatever, then you're getting flushed down to the wizarding realm or whatever. So you're only really spending your working hours in...

You work at the ministry. Well then I'm assuring there's probably toilet systems everywhere else. So you're saying that basically it works like you've got the muggle world, and then you go down a toilet. And you're in the wizard world. All over. Yeah. Well, okay. I mean, like, by majority rules

I guess. Yeah, yeah. Cop it. Fair enough. That's why I think they're getting educated with stuff that will help them in their life. If you're a wizard, when are you ever going to be like, when I grow up, I'm going to be a car salesman? You're not.

Why not? Because you're a wizard. I tried selling cars. Real boring. What I see happening is that you get all these wizards fucking popped out of Hogwarts. Yeah. And they're like, oh, gee whiz, I've got magic. I can make a rabbit or whatever. And then they're like,

I'm going to become an aura. And they're like, oh, my owls and newts weren't high enough. And they're like, well, sorry. They're like, oh, I'd like to work in a ministry. Sorry. I don't really want to work in retail. Oh, I guess I'll just go to a muggle office

because what other jobs are there? Then you're in a muggle office and they're like, hey, Johnson, can you do the numbers for this? And they're like, I'm sorry, I don't know how to do math. But why would you be going and getting a job? What's the point of a job? To earn money, yeah?

Yeah. You can't just magic money. Yes you can. You can't. It doesn't happen. No, but you can magic fake money. You can magic food and water but someone has to make it so you can steal a piece. Alright, for everyone at the back we're being yelled at that you can't magic money, food or water but someone has to make it so you can steal it Alright, for everyone at the back, we're being yelled at that you can't magic money, food or water

I disagree You can magic water Hashtag gotcha Also, you don't need to magic water You can just be like Akushio water Akushio? Akushio

Akushio Hang on, hangio. A Cushio. What is the Cushio one? Hang on, hang on. Shut up. How does transfiguration work? It doesn't matter. You turn a thing into a thing. But couldn't I just be like,

I'm going to buy a rat and then a boy rat and a girl rat and I'm going to breed them and then I'm just going to transfigure them into money? Yes. Infinite money. You could easily make muggle money. Hang on.

Could I get a rat? Okay, so two rats, breed them, have a whole rat dynasty, and turn one rat into a cow and eat like a king? Yes. I'll allow it. Then why does anyone get a job? Yeah, why would you get a job? So both of those education systems are fine.

Also, because your education system is the same until you're 12 or 11. Yeah, but that's no... However old you are in Hogwarts. 12. I read the books today. I guess... But then, why are you at Hogwarts for so long? You could be there for like two years and you'd be fine.

To learn spells. And if Hogwarts doesn't work too well for you... Learn transfiguration and then just live like a rich mogul. Yeah, exactly. And even if that goes to shit and you're an idiot and you don't pass your hours, you don't pass your nudes and you can't repeat Hogwarts

for some reason, even though I guess you probably could. Fucking Hagrid goes back all the fucking time. He's been a student at least seven times. Hagrid, go to a night school.

Jesus. But then like, you could easily just be like, all right, I'm just going to like, one special, here's a high school diploma. Hey, I did it. Hey, muggles.

I mean, other humans. Let me go to university now. And they'll be like, well, I guess. And then you end up doing a Bachelor of Arts. Oh, no, because then. Oh, okay, Bachelor of Arts, yeah. I thought you were going to say something more complicated. That, you'd be fine.

Yeah, no, fair. But if you were like. That wasn't a dig at arts. I was an arts student too. Same. And look at us now. That wasn't a dig at arts. I was an arts student too. Same. Look at us now. I don't know. Hey!

Slytherins aren't allowed to do many jobs. I wouldn't trust a Slytherin any job. Is that something you reckon goes on a resume? Like if I'm like, oh, I work for the ministry and somebody comes in and they hand me their resume and down the bottom they've got a Slytherin any job. Is that something you reckon goes on a resume? Like if I'm like, oh, I work for the ministry and somebody comes in and they hand me their resume and down the bottom they've got a Slytherin stamp,

I'm just turning that around. I'm sorry, we only hire good people. And I don't mean good for a job, I just mean good people. Like good people. You've got character references here. If I call them, they're going to be like, he's sly.

Don't trust him, he's sly. Don't trust him. He's shifty. He's a shifty boy. Don't put him with muggles. He'll probably murder one. Apart from that, great. I think because you have the extended ring, you're like, no, thank you. Half full puff, you'd be like, oh, no, thank you.

Look, I'm sure you're a great fella. Like, if you want to be a laider, by all means, we'll have one. But I can't trust you with sharp things. Yeah. Pretty much you'd hire a Ravenclaw. Or a Gryffindor. Nah, Gryffindor would be taking all their time and be like, oh, I've got to go be brave and stop the Dark Lord.

That does sound like me. Well, we have deadlines. I love that you're running this company, like, in the time of Voldemort. You're like, I don't care, okay? The wizard genocide's on the way. We have fucking deadlines. Have you seen these numbers?

Worry about he who cannot be named on your own time. Yeah, please. When you punch in, no dark arts. Don't worry about it. They don't exist. All that matters to you is data entry, okay? You know someone had entered all them prophecies? Yeah. They don't exist. All that matters to you is data entry. Anyway. Someone had entered all them prophecies.

Yeah. I'm mad at wizards. So yeah, Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw is who you would hire. Yeah. And Ravenclaw is, we get,

they're probably, Ravenclaw would be the perfect person because they not only do really well in their own education, but they're kind of wily enough to be like, I am not getting a good education. I'll go to night school for the muggles and learn. Like a holiday school when they go home for Hogsmeade

or whatever the fuck wizard holidays there are. Hogsmeade's a place. That's all right. That's fine. I thought it was a wizard holiday. Yeah. Are there wizard holidays? Christmas.

They still celebrate Christmas. They believe in Jesus. And that's all right. Classic. Yeah, I guess. Why would you not? You'd be so like, God made us better. If you believed in a God, you'd be like, so God made muggles, and he was like,

they're neat, and then he was like, how can I improve? What if I gave muggles magic? Sick! That's a good God impression. Sweet! Done it! Alright. Sick That's a good god impression Sweet Done it

Alright I'm mad at wizards I guess The takeaway of that It's not perfect Similar to the Xavier thing There's flaws There's a few issues I think it's worse than Xavier's

I don't think it's the worst though Your problem with your school is that it's a murder school. Correct. And your problem with the school is that no one really knows what's up. Yeah. Because it's like, is this magic? Is this a ruse? What's going on?

No one really knows what's up. Just a wizard going... I don't know. Maybe. Right in the poops. I'm going to then put forward... Okay. Spy school. Or in particular, I guess if you want to get real put forward spy school.

Or in particular, I guess if you want to get real... Not spy kids. They don't know they're spies. And then they are spies. And then that's fine. No, I want to talk... Let's talk specifically, I guess, about Kingsman, because that is an actual school. I guess, and they're pretty young-ish.

They're like teens. Let's say 17. They're all 18. They're 18 because I'm pretty sure they do. So it's a tertiary education. So he joined the army. Yeah, he's about 17, 18. 18.

Let's say 18. Let's say finishing school. Yeah. Finishing. Okay. So the whole thing with spy school is literally everything is a ruse, and if it's not a ruse, they're never going to tell you it wasn't a ruse. So you've got no idea what's going on. Also, similar to the murder problem, you're like, oh, it's not a ruse, they're never going to tell you it wasn't a ruse. So you've got no idea what's going on.

Also, similar to the murder problem, you're like, oh, it's like if everyone had guns. What if everyone did have guns? Literally everyone has a gun! And in Kingsman, the principal turns out to be the baddest one! What do you mean everything's a ruse?

Everything is a ruse. You're right! Everything is a ruse. Everyone hasn't seen Kingsman, the ending was just out there. It's fine. It's good, I guess. Spoilers, I guess?

No, don't worry. The movie's so old. Yeah. It's so old. But yeah, every single mission they go on, it ends up being a ruse. So one of the first things they do is like, all right, we're going to throw you out of a plane

and you've got a parachute down. By the way, one of you didn't have a parachute. Work it out, dickheads. And so they all freak out. And so they form a circle and they all pull things, whatever, whatever. And then they land. He's like, yeah, why did you make me the one with that parachute? That's my good English accent.

Yeah, that's good. Nailed it. And then Mark Strong's like, Mark Strong? Yeah, Mark Strong's like, ha-ha, press the button. No, Colin. No, it's Mark Strong. Isn't it? Whatever.

Anyway. It was Mark Strong, Zamit. God damn Colin. No, it's Mark Strong. Isn't it? Whatever. Anyway. It was Mark Strong, Zamit. God damn it. I hate being right. And yeah, you press the button and his shoot comes open because there was no one. So like the basic way the schooling works. It's like, hey, you're in danger. No, you're not.

Except sometimes you actually are. And the last thing they do is they're like shoot your dog. No, okay. The second last thing you do. No, no, no, shoot your dog is a real thing. That wasn't me doing a bit. No, that's what I found funny. But the second last thing they do is they are at a bar

and they get drugged. Okay. And then they wake up and they're on train tracks and there's this guy you don't see and he's like, tell me who you work for, what's the agency, blah, blah, blah, give me information. And if they give them up, they reveal it's all a ruse and you're fucked up. Do you fail?

And you fail. Get out of the school. But then if you're like, well, I'm not saying a damn thing, it's again, it reveals a ruse, you don't get hit by a train, and you're like, well done for not giving us up. You're a good student. Oh yeah, and also there's a drowning room where they pretend a student dies. Yeah.

Does it say drowning room on the door? It does. Pretty much. Drowning room. That's not what you think. It is. Come inside. I promise.

It's good. Oh, no. It was a drowning room. That was a ruse. Because the thing is, they breed, basically, a whole class of selfish assholes only out for themselves, and then they add trauma to that. And then give them guns. And then give them little guns.

No, sorry, they give them dogs, then they give them guns, and then they're like, shoot your dog. How long do they have the dog for? Through all of school. From a puppy. No, but how long, how many years? Like, let's say, what? Let's say 18 months. Yeah. It grows up. Ah, that's not too long. Look!

Like, two years you're not shooting that dog. 18 months you're like, there are more dogs. You want to be a spy, don't you? I'd do like six months differently. What happens in that six months between you being like, I'm going to just ice this dog and not even fucking lose a wink of sleep.

I'm just going to... Whatevs. And then six months later being like, I'm not to just ice this dog and not even fucking lose a wink of sleep. I'm just going to... Whatevs. And then six months later being like, I'm not going to shoot the dog at all. What happens to you? I might still shoot the dog six months later. Depending on the circumstances. How bad do I want to be a spy? I don't know. How bad do you want to be a spy? Real bad. Well, then I'm

shooting the dog. Gentlemen, that's a dead dog. That's no good. Plus, if by this point everything's been a ruse, I'm probably like, that's not a real dog. Gentlemen, that's a dead dog. Plus, if by this point everything's been a ruse, I'm probably like, that's not a real dog. Well, you're not wrong because you fixed the real thing because it's

not a real bullet. I'm going to be like, bang! And the dog's going to die and I'm going to be like, yeah, you thought you got me. They're like, he's dead. What? I think, like, I haven't seen me. They're like, he's dead. What? I think, like, I haven't seen the film for a while, but I'm sure it does turn out to be a ruse. Yeah, it is. It's a fake bullet. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's a blank.

It's just like, oh, you're a bad man now. And again, they rused you good. Do you think there's any way we can tie Agent Cody Banks to Kingsman? Because Agent Cody Banks also goes to a spy school. Yeah, but Agent Cody Banks' spy school is less school Yeah but Agent Cody Banks spy school Is less ethical than the one we just explained Because

The parents of like Eggsy And other fellas that are in the school Know that they're spies The parents in Agent Cody Banks think They just think Agent Cody Banks Is just Cody Banks And then he's just gone to summer school In fact they invite parents to go visit them at that summer school

and whilst they're there, there's like a parent button and when they hit it, everything turns into a summer school so the parents can be like, oh, they're looking after my kid real good. But no! He's in a helicopter or some shit. That's dangerous. That's abuse. Yeah, they do think it's funny. It's child abuse. There's a little secret

between me and you and don't tell your parents. Your parents are not allowed to know this is a military school. Also, Cody just gets the thing because he sees an ad in a magazine or something, and he's like, I'll be a spy, I guess. I remember there's a moment where he has to talk to a girl, and he's like, oh, I don't know how to talk to a girl. And they get like 16 different people in to talk at him at once. Like, there's like an army general.

It's just like too many people. You're like, this is just poorly done. And also, like, at the start of Agent Cody Banks 2, a similar thing happens to Kingsman, where it turns out the man that trained him was the worst man of all. Yeah, that's right. Because then he's like, this is all a trill. Let me get away, Cody.

Oboe buddies. Got him good. And I guess you would, because you're like, I guess, yeah, it was a Ruth. Yeah, it was another Ruth. Another-y. Yeah. But then like Cody's like 16. And that's the second one. Also, Cody... He's a child spy. But unlike

Spy Kids where it's fine because the parents know. It's all good. That Spy Kids is ethically fine. It's fine. This is some kind of like... When Antonio Banderas is your dad, everything's sweet. But yeah, no, spy schools are... Yeah, they fight dumb men. That's fine. Spy school's fucked.

And more fucked. Any spy, even with Bond and all that kind of stuff. Bond is an adult. And he's very fucked up. Does Bond go to a school ever? Well, I'm assuming that Bond would have had spy training. Yeah. And so if we include education to mean training, then all right, sure.

I actually think yours isn't too bad because it's just tertiary. It's just like joining the military. But they're rusing you often. You're like, I finished high school and now I'm just going to join the army. The army isn't like shoot your dog. The army isn't like, shoot your dog. The army isn't like, come into this room, oh no, your mate died. The army isn't like, I'm throwing you out of

a fucking plane. You don't have a parachute. Hey, there's a coup. Lol, jokes, it wasn't. Ha ha. Got you again. There's like a real bad thing. The army's like, crawl through this hole. Good. You got money. I'm going to yell at you a bit. Here's a gun.

Crawl through this hole. Yeah. What hole? The army hole. You know the one. The army hole. In the army hole, you come out an army man. Yeah.

Enter an army boy. Get down there. Just like, arrive in the bus. You get out. I thought that'd be like an obstacle course. There's just a boy. Get down there. Just like, arrive in the bus. You get out, you're like, I thought there'd be like, like obstacle course. There's just a hole. Get in.

Get in the hole. Don't you want to be an army man? Private. See? Sorted. Army, fine. Spy school, fucked.

Dude, at some point. Especially the Kingsman one because again, you wouldn't trust anyone. No? You wouldn't trust anyone. But then even as a spy, well, I mean,

like it turns out, it pays off in the end because he shouldn't trust his boss because he's a bad boss bloke what about the next one golden circle what about the next the next other next mission I think the next film is I don't know about it Channing Tatum's in it apparently he's alright yeah you wouldn't it would really kind of well say Xavier's school for the Janet Tatum, I guess. He's alright. He's a good fella. It would really kind of, well, say, Xavier's school for the gifted youngsters. You could kind of feel cheapened because you didn't really have an education.

But because it's been mind-blasted into your mind, you wouldn't know. At worst, maybe you're a vegetable. Matt's just lying in bed being like, when did I learn about the Civil War? I just know it now, I guess. All right. That's good. And so that's, I mean, it's still education.

Yeah. And with Hogwarts, even though you're not learning, like, math, you're still learning charms and to turn things again into a cup or a stick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's all right. That's like the one spell we remember. Clearly.

You wouldn't need anything else. No, you wouldn't. Spelly almost. Is that it? Yeah. Yeah. Two of't need anything else. No, you wouldn't. Expelliarmus, is that it? Yeah. That just felt like we were in wizard class. And you weren't listening and you're like, Jackson, Expelliarmus, is that it?

I wasn't listening either. I was drawing. Oh, fuck. I hope my patronus is a weasel. We're in potions. Oh, crap. Oh, no. Snape's like, drink this, boy. Snape just slap you on the face.

He hits those kids so often. That's another thing. That's a whole other kettle of fish. You can't say that's worse than a teacher being like, shoot your dog. And again, you've got... I'm not. I'm on your side here. Yeah, good.

I'm building up to this. I'm on my own side. But then you have, again, you have the physical abuse where you've got, say, a teacher smacking a child. Or throwing him out of a plane. Or a teacher being like, yes, fatten him up so he becomes a death child. That's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going to get him nice and fat full of magic so Voldemort can kill him. Yeah. Yeah. And sending him into a forest to potentially get molested by a centaur.

Yeah, it's rough in there. It's forbidden for a reason. And do they put up a fence? Wizards don't know about fences. They should have built a wall and got the centaurs to build it. Yeah? Make Hogwarts great

again! So we got physical abuse. And then you then have, like, again, another form of weird abuse from Xavier, being like, please punch this mannequin, that's great. Now my brother's coming, fire him in the face. I'm going to take in students

without really paying much attention to what they do. Angel, what are you doing now? Flying still? That's alright. In this fiscal year, how many of our students turned evil? That's a good deal. That's alright.

Hopefully they'll be good again come summer. Who died? Jean? She'll be back. It's alright. Hopefully they'll be good again come summer. Who died? Jean? She'll be back. It's fine. They'll all be back. It's fine. Easy come, easy go, Beast. Whatever. Don't stress. But then when you have spy

school, your sense of trust, because there's no magic powers in a spy school. It's just us. And guns. And guns. And a lot of lies. But it's sort of the same problem across all. Because

if I take away the mutant powers with a flu shot, no problem. If I take away the magic with a flu shot, no problem. If I take away the guns with a flu shot, with a flu shot, no problem If I take away the guns With a flu shot Somehow No problems

Heaps of problems You still have the trauma and you still have the lies You still have the being kicked out of a plane and not having a parachute Oh wait, you had a parachute And now instead of shoot your dog, it's kick your dog You could never Kick your dog Alright Your shoe was a plank, got you good You can never... Kick your dog.

All right. Your shoe was a plank. God, you're good. Now, if you kind of take one person growing up in each of these, right? Yep. And when they graduate and finish. Yes, when someone graduates from Xavier's, what do you become? An X-Man and you keep fighting more battles, right? Simple as that.

You don't really maybe enter the next kind of realm of like education or job, whatever. That's kind of what you do. Yeah, as an X-Man, correct? Perfect shot. So in Xavier's, I guess they train you to be a child soldier that grows up to be a man soldier. Yep. In Hogwarts, they don't really train you for the real world as well, but they might train you for the wizarding world. But in Spy School, they kind of fuck you royally because tell me, can you have a

fulfilling world or life as a spy when you don't trust anyone? You can't have any meaningful relationships at all because you're going to think it's a ruse. Let's apply this to real life. Say Eggsy does all the spy stuff, the end of Kingsman, and there's no

Kingsman 2. Instead, they're just're just like well the spy school shot down because it was bad. Go get a job at a cinema. I got insider information. And then he's like alright and then he meets his manager or his boss or whatever. He's probably going to think

this is a ruse. I need to kill that man. But he'd make a good spy. Like it works, doesn't it? No. No, because he just killed a manager for a cinema. I mean, assuming the spy school didn't get shut down, like it works. No, it doesn't.

You get a good spy out of it. You don't, because you don't trust anyone because your boss was bad. But isn't that a good spy? No. You only live once. Goldfinger. I guess diamonds are forever.

The 1974 classic? Three classic. 1973 classic, Diamonds Are Forever. Yes, the perfect film. Don't get it wrong. Does he go to the moon? No, he doesn't. That's Moonraker, you dickhead. But he drives a moon buggy and diamonds are forever. He does.

Yeah, that's good. No, whatever, I'll concede. When it comes down to it, these are all just words, and I'm right. So, again, I think we should do the round of applause system because it works the last time. Who thinks Xavier's is the worst educational system as a fictional universe? By round of applause. Anyone? Tepid. Tepid.

Tepid. Tepid, I would say the responsibles. Tepid. so that's fine Hogwarts Bullshit Bullshit Underenthusiastic, I would say I would say tepid

Spy school where you shoot your dog Alright, well I guess Wait Without that whistle, I think you won But but then I got a whistle, so... You got a whistle. You got a whistle. Hey, I won too! Oh!

Shit. Yeah, you fucked a real big head now. Uh-oh. I am the greatest man! Sit down! And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've also been Joel and I'm still standing. Sit, you're in front of the fucking camera. Hey, how's it going? Anyway, I'm the best. Well, yeah, I guess. I suppose.

I've been facing away from the camera this whole time. I know. Yeah, been facing away from the camera this whole time. I know. Yeah, yeah, it's good. Sorry. And that's been our very first interstate live plumbing the Death Star show. We did it.

Everyone for coming out and seeing this bullshit. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Whoa, we got a kind of standing ovation. Woo! Yeah! Thanks, guys. Cheers. Yeah, thanks guys Cheers If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.