Plumbing the Death Star - Which Fighting Game Hero or Villain Would Make the Best Housemate (Ft. bigsofttitty.png)

Episode Date: September 23, 2018

In which our heroes are joined by bigsofttitty.png to ask the hard hitting question about Which Fighting Game Hero or Villain Would Make the Best Housemate?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It's the plumbing of the Death Star. This is your show. I'm sorry. Hello. Welcome to, what were we calling yesterday? Carpentry and the Enterprise. It was mine, you motherfucker. You stole it.

Yeah. You piece of shit. I took it. It's mine. I said it. Sorry. Sorry. Go.

Hello and welcome to Carpentry of the Enterprise. We ask the important questions like, which fighting game hero or villain would make the best housemates All right. Sick. Well, I'm going to choose everyone's favorite green monster, Blanka from Street Fighter, because he's basically just an animal, so you could put him in, say, like a pen, or where you would keep a rambunctious dog,

and I think if you just put him to, like, one corner, it's fine. Blanka's a thrilling combination of traits, which is he has the two things I look for in any kind of conversation which are animalistic and electric. Oh yeah. Good if say you need your phone charged and you can't be

You're lying on the couch and you're like the cord's over there and so you just huck it at Blanca's face and then you're like catch it and then charge it and make it back. And then you'll catch it again.

Thank you. Mine is twin tail for the same reason. When you want to live with a sexy broad that never uncrosses her arms. Who is this person? Twin tail is from arms, but her arms are her pigtails. Yeah. So she's just always like this, and then when she wins, she's like, ha, ha, ha, and drinks some tea.

She is notable as being the first character from ARMS that sparked a Twitter-wide display of thirst for this G-rated game. She, like, as soon as the trailer for her came out, people were screen capping her butt and be like, Well, like, the walk that she does is be like Why does the Grinch not run? The walk that she does is wild. Because she doesn't use her arms. She's just all hips.

She grinds good. She's doing this. She just walks around. Sashaying a lot. That's all she does is sashay. Whenever the Switch launched was the year that Nintendo mastered the technology of butts. Yeah.

And nipples, but only on Mario. Link, no nipples. Mario has nipples. Link doesn't have nipples. Link doesn't have nipples. That's fucked. Yeah, isn't that wild? What if I want to pleasure Link?

Use his butthole. What if I want some Link milk? Yeah. I'm all out of answers for you there. Fuck. You suck it out the dick like the rest of the cows. All right, fuck.

Does that mean if I'm like, yeah, Link, let's get it on. Give me some nipple plays. What are those? Yeah, put yourself in Link's shoes. That's so fucked that Link doesn't have nipples and I played through

that entire game without realizing. I guess I never undressed Link. No, he's shirtless at the start of the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's wearing little shorts. You really zoom in on that titty. Yeah. Mario, on the other hand, nipples.

Runs on the beach. Nipples for days. Got eight of them down his milk line. How good would it be if Nintendo unveiled the new Mario game and they're like, and Mario! And it comes up and he's just got an umbilical cord flopping around. It's still attached. It's super long.

It gets tangled up in his feet. Sometimes he trips. I liked it. I was like, it's Mario! And he's in the cat suit he has. And he's just curled up with eight swollen titties. Just all feeding. And little Luigi sucking at his tits.

So that's the worst housemate. What if you took off a Toad's hat and there was just a big tit under it? Oh, man. Is that his head or is it his hat? It's a hat. Did we clear on that? Yeah. So what's under it?

Nintendo have had to canonically come through and be like, it yeah so what is it what's under it had to canonically come through and be like it's a hat so what's under it anything you want he's just a little he's just got a little a little smooth head yeah it's good that's what i wanted it to be yeah yeah you wouldn't want it to be oh it's pointy and green and like seeps pus there's a hollow and if you look intops pus. Oh, good. There's a hollow. And if you look into it, you can't say what you've seen. It's like a well. Yeah.

Okay. So fighting game people who are the best housemates. So we've got Blanco for charging your phone. Charging your phone. And again, because you treat him like a dog, but a rambunctious dog that can electrocute you. Yeah. And will fight you. And is used to fighting people.

He can destroy a car pretty easily. And yes, he's got fangs, but so does a dog. It's true. You've got to admit that, guys. Dogs can destroy cars. Admit it, you guys. Okay, I'm sorry. Thank you, Demi.

I admit it. Thank you for helping me work through this. Thanks for admitting it. No worries. And mine is twin tailed because hon-ry. Make me hon through this. Thanks for admitting it. No worries. And mine is twin tail, because hon-ry. Make me hon-ry. Big, big, long hair, me hon-ry. Generally, what I look for in a housemate is someone who is clean

and picks up off themselves and will pay the rent on time. I don't look at a housemate being like, let's fuck. You're living with a green electric man. Let's fuck. Oh, man, a green electric man. Let's fuck. Oh man, I got so confused just then. Who's he live with? Jackson. It's Carboy himself.

Is that known among your fan base that Jackson lives in the garage and is a carboy? I guess they do now, but yes, he lives in my garage and he's made of cardboard. And he drinks petrol. And it makes him so sick. I need more of my black water. Somebody take me around the block so rust doesn't form.

Drink up, Jack. Come on. Come on. It's cold today. I'm going to need a few minutes. Put keys in my butt. Jackson, for the last time, it's in your ear. It's in your ear.

No, no, no. For safekeeping, it's the butt. That's your exhaust. Hang on. So you would just treat Blanka The same way you treat Jack Yeah I would argue that Blanka May be tidier than Jack

Blanka Yeah definitely Definitely tidier Oh man More electric though Is there a video game That Lightning McQueen Features in

A fighting game That features Lightning McQueen I You know what look I don't know all the games But but I'm going to say yes. Yeah. Oh, hi. What?

That's Lightning McQueen's voice. Who voices Lightning McQueen? Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson, yeah. Wow. I love Owen Wilson impressions. Yeah.

Oh, wow. I once watched my friend Aaron Chen we gave him the role of uh it was it was a sketch that we did where he played Owen Wilson and I played Jackie Chan um and I didn't speak thank god yeah very important to clarify that that I never spoke I just uh sat there and kind of stared off into the distance like not not doing an impression at all yeah and like the thing was that aaron was tasked with developing a perfect owen wilson impression but did not even come close genuinely was just like wow it's perfect so lightning mcqueen's your new answer? Yeah. Why?

I think you're making me hungry. Want to fuck car. That's the worst thing to look for in a house. Do you think that you open his doors and the cum just comes out in regulates? How would you fuck Lightning McQueen? You have to get him into a bigger car. All I'm thinking is like... You have to drive him into a bigger car. All I'm thinking is like... You have to drive him into the back seat and then make your move.

I'm just thinking you put something on his exhaust pipe. It's kind of cylindrical there. Yeah. You have to plug it up. Oh, wait, no, gear stick. That's safer. Gear stick. Gear stick.

It depends because if he's... Oh, he's not automatic. He's a race car. He's definitely manual, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.'s, oh, he's not automatic. He's a race car. He's definitely manual, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Oh, yeah, we all know stuff. So, like, just to check, we're all across the people who fuck cars in real life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. There's a lot of dudes that, and there's not a lot, but there's a bunch of dudes that fuck cars. And it's mostly them.

One in three. Guess. I think you all fuck cards a third of the time. We all of us have facets. Oh, boy. I think my perfect person would be someone from I believe it would be King from the Tekken series. Oh, boy. I think my perfect person would be someone from,

I believe it would be King from the Tekken series. Oh, Lion Boy. Yes, Tiger Boy. Or perhaps a Jaguar. But certainly head of a cat. And then also there's Armor King, which is head of a cat but wearing armor. Okay, so does he act like a cat? He exclusively talks in cat roars,

but otherwise is like a luchador who gives most of his money to orphanages. That's nice. So I know that he looks after charity. He's an important kind of guy. He requires a set of baffling inputs to do a giant swing. And more than anything, he's a well-rounded fellow who I can rely on to pick up around the house because he's a grappler.

And also, you know that he's going to be bringing in the, like, rent isn't going to be an issue because he's a high-paid fighter. He's a professional wrestler. He has a profession. I was going to perhaps suggest, what are we looking for in a housemate? Because it's probably like doing the dishes, I think, is up one, because that's an important aspect

of a housemate. Cleanliness? Cleanliness. Self-sufficiency? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A stream of income? Okay. Oh, yeah, stream of income.

Stream of income and, well, for Demi, fuckability, I guess. I want to fuck. Yeah. But, again, you have to realize that you're... It's doing something that I've found myself having to do, which is trying to guess what Demi's attracted to. Which, as you've seen with

Twin Tail and Lightning McQueen, is... Him red. Yeah, so try and find something that combines the traits of thick movie star and actual car. With face.

Shiva from Mortal Kombat. Four arms, good for dishes. Oh, Goro. No, Shiva. Oh, is that Shiva? Well, Goro has four arms but this is Shiva. She's just a lady Goro. Yeah, but her name's Shiva. She's wearing a Borat.

She is not just a lady Goro, thank you Chiba. She's wearing a Borat. She is not just a Lady Goro, thank you very much. She's wearing a Borat. She is wearing a full Borat. Yeah, I'm very familiar with her. So just a clarification. So we have dishes, ability to pay rent. I would argue also, I'm just going to put this one out here, their willingness to share their Netflix password.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then fuckability. Let's go with Blanca. Doing the dishes. He's going to smash them so hard and he'll electrocute me with soapy water. I'm now a fried

corpse. I don't like this boy anymore. I have a charged phone but I'm dead. Out of five for the doing the dishes. One, because he managed to kill you. He managed to complete his optional quest of end this. Does get electricity? How clean can a dish get by being electrocuted?

Is it very? If I was to get a dish that's dirty, that's probably got a bit of pasta sauce, that hasn't been rinsed, and it's definitely caked on there. And throw it in some water. Is it dried on? Yeah, it's dried on.

Chuck it in some water, and then we electrocute that water. How clean does that dish get? Well, isn't this what they were trying to do when they electrocuted that elephant to death? They were just trying to clean it real thoroughly from the inside. They fed it like ten dishes. That's the thing people don't know about Edison. He was so up there with cleanliness.

He's like, cleanliness is next to godliness. And we all know that Edison wanted to be a god. And so he figured, I can clean this elephant with electricity. I'm going to be a god. This is all true. Yes, 100%. I think if you electrocuted a dish, it would not only make it clean, it would be less tempted to become dirty in the future.

Yeah. Because you've taught it. You're associating being dirty with a nasty electric shock. So really, that's like a five, but he does lose points for killing me. But what about three? If you could learn to control that electricity

if you ever have a heart attack, maybe you don't need like a defibrillator. I'm just going to go. See you, Debbie. Bye. Clip clop, clip clop going to go. See you, Demi. Bye. Clip-clop, clip-clop. It's cool that you have horse legs.

Samantha Pierce. Love that girl. All right, so rent. Can Blanka pay rent? Does Blanka know what a job is? In the most recent Street Fighter, Blanka has a part-time job promoting uh sakura's arcade is that real it's really real he wears a mascot outfit that is immense and bears a passing resemblance to him but he wears a full body mascot thing so it it does not come out that he is a monster from

the brazilian jungle isn't it true that blanket is also like a boy, a 12 or 14-year-old boy. And I say this as someone who has spent a truly regrettable amount of time on Street Fighter wikis. Yes, but also maybe no. Because the continuity of these games is a nightmare and only made up after the fact. So I believe right now he is just a, think Beast from X-Men. Done. But changed to a legally okay colour and given another power. All right, then. Yep.

So can he pay the rent? Certainly. He has a part-time job and he works with his good friend Sakura. Oh, so five. Five. So three for dishes, five for paying the rent. And sharing a Netflix password. Oh, dear.

Oh, damn. I feel because he grew up poor, yeah? Yeah, and he's Brazilian, so it's going to be Portuguese as well. So it's not going to be something you recognise. But for real, people who grow up poor are so much more generous. Yeah. I think he would. Wait, so he did grow up poor?

Yes. Yeah, he would totally share his Netflix. Would he be like, I'm going to share things? Or he's like, I've never had something of my own, and this is mine, so you can't have it. Which way would he fall? Would he be like, I'm going to share things? Or he's like, I've never had something of my own, and this is mine, so you can't have it. Which way would he fall? I think judging based on his, again, his relationship with good old Sakura,

the girl who wants to be Ryu's protege, but is, of course, not accepted by anyone. But it's not important. Famously, yes. Yeah, yeah. Certainly she has the power of cherry blossoms and the innocence of a young girl, but the will of a fighter. It's great that you're adding yourself as a nerd by mumbling so much about that,

but nobody's learning any of it. They can't understand it. That's the worst thing. The worst thing. If they cared, they would Wikipedia this themselves. A lot of my life is taking in information, but really avoiding learning. I'm going to get one of those horns

that you put in your ear at the opera, but I'm going to make it be like a fuckhead translator for listening to you. Oh, good. Finally, you'll know all the facts about which three-frame normals you need to do on Wake Up to beat out Oki options. So you're like a sponge that is broken and kind of doesn't absorb a liquid, but, like, leaks it? No, I'm like a sponge, but for bad liquid,

and then squeezing just happens throughout the day. Oh. I'm like a sponge. I take up all the water. Yeah, so sharing Netflix password. I think he's a generous soul trapped in a green electric body. Yes, would share the Netflix password, but it would be in Portuguese. So I'm going to drop that five down to a four

just for your personal sake. That's fair. And now, last one. Everything was important for a roommate. Fuckability. Green monster. Electric. Has long mane.

Can hold on to whilst fuck. Oh. Fangs. He has sharp claws. Sharp claws. Also he rolls into a ball like Sonic. You sold it. So that's a five from Demi

and probably a one from me. I fuck the green. It's very difficult. I'm going to listen back to this so I can pinpoint when he turned from a would not fuck to a would fuck. Just to continue unpacking. What do you want?

What do you want? So shall we call it between the two of you, three? Yep, fuckability. That's good. So that brings the average score What do you want? What do you want? So shall we call it between the two of you a three? Yep. Fuckability. That's good. So that brings the average score to, without me actually looking at the scores, three and a half, I think.

15 on total. Out of? Out of. If possible, five, 10, 15, 20. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. Good on you, Blanca. Let's give you some.

75%. That's a B. Hey. Blanca, a B. A B for Blanca. All right give you some... 75%. That's a B. Blanca. A B. A B for Blanca. Alright, Demi. Yeah. You have to pick one. Lightning McQueen, who famously has probably not appeared in a fighting game. That's true.

Or, look, we can't say for certain. But, or Twintel? Twintel. Twintel or Shiva. Or Shiva, yeah. Shiva has a strong, beautiful look. Yeah, and the great thing about Shiva as well is that if your apartment gets too dirty, she death stomps you into the level below.

Like, I'm dead, but I live in 23 instead of 33. Nice. Perfect. Well, change of scenery is as good as a holiday. That took a lot to get out. It was definitely worth it. It'd be like if they were mining, if they constructed a whole oil rig

and all they got was just... Just the whole earth gives up. Just a teenager's face comes out of the ground What's up? What do you want? What? Fine Shiva?

Shiva? Going with Shiva? Yeah, Shiva Dishes, four arms Dishes can do heaps So many dishes Can do so many dish And she's so strong and muscly

Yeah, but will she break the dishes? We'll get strong dishes We'll get strong dishes Strong dishes, reinforced dishes Won't kill you while she does the dishes Which We'll get strong dishes. Get strong dishes. Strong dishes. Reinforced dishes. Won't kill you while she does the dishes, which is a nice change from Blanca. That is true.

Yeah. Does she have a job to pay rent? Oh, shit. She's from the Mortal Kombat series? She's from Mortal Kombat. She's usually a villain, though. She's from the something realm, not Earth realm. Nether realm? No.

Nether realm, yes. Yes. I think she more like, I don't think she pays rent. I think she more just like provides services. You know what I mean? I think. No. I think that I could, I don't know how smart she is, right?

But I think that I could potentially convince her to like clean up the streets. And that way I think it's like a Robin Hood thing. I her to go take wallets so she's stealing from other people yeah wait what's your definition of clean up the streets because you've just described crime yeah but crime against criminals yeah you didn't say that and also what kind of criminals because what you're discovering is just Batman but a mugger So what kind of criminals? Bad ones. What you're discovering is just Batman but a mugger. But with four arms. Yeah, no, certainly the arms of two Batmans and the morals of none.

But, like, okay. I don't think I need to be attacked like this. She'd be able to use the fourarms to do some pretty convincing lifts. Oh, my God. I think, I don't know. Oh, she'd be a hell of a burger flipper. She would be. Four bergs.

Yeah. Just doing a bit of a flip. Yep. Yep. Good. I acted it out. The podcast audience missed out on a pretty high mime. She'd also be good in construction, I assume. Construction?

Art. I imagine if you have four arms, you're very good at art, like sculpting. Huh. Yeah. More arms, good art. More arms. Because you can do more art at once? Yeah.

Because we can only do two things at once. Two arts. And they can do four arts. She can do four arts at once. That means that she gets to that point. She can do four arts at once. Yeah. That means that she gets to that point quicker than we do of making good art. Oh, you're saying she only needs to put in 5,000 hours. Yes.

Because she's doing it twice. Yes. Yeah. I'm glad we're on the same wavelength there. Everyone famously does 5,000 hours of art accidentally. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she does it four times as quickly.

Yes. Or twice maybe. Twice. Because we have two arms And she has four Is she ambidextrous? I'm going to say yes So yes She's fighting

Also why don't we just get her a job at the gym Personal trainer Yes Be fit Or terrible Oh no she would like murder by accident All her advice is going to be things like Be born a demon

Spend 30 years fighting your way up through the pit. Or she's going to be like, all right, so with your top arms, do a bench press, and then with your bottom arms, lift this weight. You're like, I don't have that. And she's like, well, what the fuck? You're useless. Yeah.

She's going to spit in my mouth. What you're going to want to do is crouch three times rapidly, walk backwards, then forwards, then crouch again, and then just punch once. Okay, and that's going to set you up. That's a pretty good warm-up, and also it's going to tear out his spine. Oh, fatalities, that's no good. Oh, yeah, shit.

Don't upset her. I'll simply overpower her. Oh, yeah, perfect. Thus winning the fight. Yes. I can tell I'm depressed when my YouTube recommendeds are Mortal Kombat fatality compilations that I've already watched. It's wild.

Yeah, that's no good. That's something. Yeah, it's so bad. They get so awful. Yeah, I just can't stop watching them. Does she have the power of babality? Turning someone into a baby. Eternal youth.

Eternal youth. That'd be useful. She does have access to babalities and friendships if she's still in the current series. That'd be useful. And she is. She's a later edition. So that could be very useful. You're going to be eternally

youthful and have a good friend. If she uses friendship on you, she'll definitely share the Netflix password with you. If she doesn't though, you might lose a friend. If she uses friendship on you, she'll definitely share the Netflix password with you. If she doesn't, though, you might lose a spine. That's true, but I don't need it. You'll grow another one. Exactly. Yeah, you really need to get your adult spine in.

I'm a lizard. So I reckon, Rand, four? Yeah, well, she's definitely capable of holding down a job or at least stealing. She's capable of holding down anything. She's got four big arms. And I guess for sharing Netflix password. Yeah, she can share four at once apparently that's how it works yeah very good we are going to all guys let's all be bad let's all go get like five arms

imagine if we walk oh god we walk in a room all on us, because attached to our rib cage, four extra arms. Lifeless. I'm getting my tits replaced with arms. Yes, please. Oh, my God. You'd be so sexy. And then my arms replaced with tits. Wait, so not the arms that you've just had put on.

So it's tits coming out the side And arms right out the front Two man arms Oh yes Both right arms Yeah One hairy, one not so much One upside down

To fix the problem So you can clap So fucked Alright, so I guess for sharing Netflix password, I'm giving her a 20 because she can do it four times. Yeah. She can do it all. The maths works out.

So good. And fuckability. That was why I picked her. Yeah. She's very muscly. Scary. Wears a Borat, famously. Yeah.

But she's got two additional arms. And you know how sometimes sex isn't, you know, sex isn't fucking... It's like... It's a hassle. You know, keeping yourself up. Yeah. With your two useless arms. Yeah.

If I had two more arms... Yeah. It'd be much better. I think that she would be great because she could be having two separate moods of sex at once. One set of arms could be gently holding and caressing a face. And the other set of arms could be doing whichever, whatever else arms do during sex.

I only make love. Exactly. She could be punching me in the face whilst holding me. Yeah. That's nice. That is nice. I hate it to hear you saying caress. I want to throw up.

I'm so uncomfortable. I'm sorry. I love to caress. Caress is a weird place to draw the line And she could caress you four times Like I said The sexuality of Demi's is I want to fuck car Say caress and I'll throw up

I can't watch people kiss on the telly Yeah no Demi freaks out When the kissing scene comes up The only kissing scene that I haven't freaked out about is when I saw, like, there was a, oh, is this a spoiling? It's been out for, like, 30 years. Yeah, Star Trek Next Generation spoilers coming up. Yeah, Deanna kissed Worf on the face.

Mm-hmm, and that was fine? That was fine. I was like, oh. Is it because he's a Worf? Klingon, there we go. Son of a warg. My mistake. I'm so sorry Yeah it's

That was the only kiss That you've been okay with Yeah that's the only kiss I've ever really been able To watch on television Okay so Fuckability for Shiva Shiva?

Yeah Knowing that she can caress you Hard Four times as much As the regular person She won't say caress though She won't no Which is nice

It's a positive for you What does she speak? she speak yeah yeah i think so oh man i love csi ratio is my next answer uh speaking of fighting games have you guys do you guys ever play uh dead or alive yes dead or alive is the horniest of the games. I've only played Dead or Alive Volleyball. Oh, my God. You've played Volleyball? Yeah.

Holy shit. It's so trashy. It's insane. It's all... So the trailer for Dead or Alive 6 just came out, and it looks pretty cool. They've made a lot of changes. But all the comments underneath it are, if they take the jiggle physics out, I'm not buying it.

Oh, my God. Because the Dead or Alive 3, which was the first game I had on Xbox, the first fighting game, had options. If you went into options, there was the jiggle slider, which you could either set to zero which was still a lot or you could hit to a hundred which was like balloons in the wind it was the most insane representation of a human body and it was like in a game where the final boss is like a demon in fire Still less realistic than just making Hitomi punch once. It was incredible.

Jiggle physics is what I'm going to name my son. Doctor physics? Please call me Jiggle. What is wrong with us? I love it. It's so bad. Hey man, this is servicing the Batmobile. That's what happens. Kill me. So fuckability happens. Fuck. Kill me.

So, fuckability five. Yeah, I think. Yeah. It's almost a perfect score across the board, except for, like, you know, Ren, which is a little tiny. Ren is, yeah. A little niggle there.

Yeah, but she's confident. But she gains an extra 15 points for having an extra set of arms. So, like, fucking above one. Yeah. 100%. Plus, plus. A plus, plus.

But, like, also, I think that if she wanted to like if you really knuckle down and you're like hey you just gotta think of me and like my I really need you to get a job

I think she like she would be so confident in interviews wearing exactly what she always does but with a tie and like what a strong four handshakes

oh cause she'd grab you know that thing where you can like you need to do a handshake and then you put your hand on top of the other person's hand? Oh, yeah. It's like a double handshake.

It's powerful. She's like, clap, clap, clap, clap. Up the guy's arm. And they're somehow surprised. Yeah. Oh, I just noticed. Anyway, you've got the job. It's a lovely tie you're wearing.

Aw. You are the CEO now, I guess. Four hands and then somehow one foot comes up on the other side as well. So, yeah. Perfect. Perfect housemate. We need to think of a letter that's higher than A for her grade, I guess. Four hands and then somehow one foot comes up on the other side as well. So yeah, perfect housemate. We need to think of a letter that's higher than A for her grade, I guess. S.

S here, I guess. Obsidian. Ooh, nice. Now, King. Or Armour King. I'm going to go with King Vanilla. Not Armour King for today. Just King. Just King. So, he's

got the head of a big cat and the body of a big man. And he wears a cape. So, with that information, when you're cleaning dishes, I know two things. You need to remove and scour all the debris and food and shit that's on it.

And so, he's got a face of a cat how many of your audience do you think are taking notes right now i hope the majority oh what if you disguise all the plates as his own dick so it's bob wait so he licks it yeah because he's a cat yeah cats lick their dicks right yeah yeah so do people. Yeah. I get their rib. Oh, man. I was reading the self-suck forums again the other day. Of course, yes. That's so good. Oh, there's so many posts that are like,

my yoga teacher knows I can suck my own dick. Should I show her? No. Why? No, you shouldn't. No, absolutely not. It's so good. If she wanted to see and she knows, she would ask.

Look, there's a lot of naysayers here. I'm going to say yes. Let me play douches advocate for a second. In the middle of class, whip it out. Oh, man, he's such a contrarian. But I was going to say, so with a cat's tongue, it's barbed. Yes. Like, as well.

No, it's rough. It's rough. It's cock is barbed. Yeah, it's dick is barbed. What do you call that? Because I always, like, say when a lion licks a carcass. A coarse tongue. They kind of strip the meat because they've got like a coarse, rough tongue.

Did you just Google how do you describe a cat's tongue? I just Googled cat tongue. And mercifully, it did not autocomplete. Oh, man. So I'm guessing If you were to be like Hey here's some dishes That need doing

Then King would just be like Slurp that dish clean And then I'm gonna have to Re-clean the dishes I mean I guess If you're approved Yeah you're gonna have to Get Armour King in there

Have him like the dishes That King cleaned It's a two cat system Double King clean Yeah She's freaking out It's a two-cat system. Double king clean. She's freaking out. That's good. He's got the upper body strength to do all those dishes.

Yeah. That's very nice. Oh, he's not going to tire. No. He can give him all the dishes. He's going to do the dishes and then wipe down the kitchen sink. Yeah. What a hero.

The famously tiring task. Yeah. But I will say he is scared of water. How scared? This perfect five is now almost at a zero. Yeah, I got to say, you're not getting him near any kind of body of water. What about a sink full of water? Is that too much water? Now, I know dry cleaning is a thing.

Can you dry clean dishes? Can you dry clean dishes? I mean, is this going to circle back to the electrocution? Yeah, I was going to say. Without knowing anything, I'm going to confidently say yes, absolutely. Okay, okay. Wait, was it a yes or no question? I don't remember what was happening.

Can you dry clean dishes? Because I do know such a thing like dry shampoo exists, which I've never used, but I'm confused by. I use it. Because I assume that you need water to shampoo your hair. Is it like powder? No, it's a spray. Oh.

You just kind of like lift it up and you're like. Okay. So. I think the idea is just like you're not meant to use it in place of normal shampoo. Okay. But if you're like, oh, I have to do this thing. I don't really have time to clean my hair.

You can just like spray it. Or like I use it sometimes because I don't like washing my hair too much when there's color in it and shit. And I think it's basically like there's something in the spray that kind of dries out the oiliness. Okay. So if we have an oily pasta dish, we could spray that on and be fine. Yes. If you use dry shampoo on a dish, yes.

Okay. So antibacterial, like the hand sanitizer. Yeah. If we got King and we put his tongue out and just spritzed his tongue Yes. and then King could lick the dishes clean getting rid of the debris and also leaving it antibacterial.

Yes, and also avoiding his fear of water. Five again. Five again. Clearest dishes in the land. I use vodka to clean my toothbrush. That's good. Because it's antibacterial. I just like spray vodka

under my toothbrush after eating it. Okay, so new strat. We'll get a bottle of vodka. Yeah. That's good. Because it's anti-virus. I just like spray vodka under my toothbrush after. Okay, so new strat. We'll get a bottle of vodka. Yeah. King's tongue. We'll get the cat drunk. Yeah. Pour it in King's mouth

and then he can just lick the dish it's clean. Yeah. Perfect. Do you clean your toothbrush after every time you use it? Yeah, I just like it because otherwise

there's bacteria and stuff. That's smart. That's sensible. That makes sense. Yeah. Remember when Jackson and Adam shared a toothbrush for six months and didn't realise? It was very good. They both kept getting sick

and they didn't know why. I used Tom's toothbrush this morning. I've lost mine. It's just gone. She ate it. She's too embarrassed to say but one day she was brushing her teeth and it just went all the way down her throat. Oh, it happened again.

Then I need to use yours to clean the toothbrush shards out of my teeth. It's so unsettling to think of you just giving a toothbrush and just hunk, hunk, hunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm calling it a hunk. Like it's corn on the cob. I want to fuck my toothbrush.

It's a hunk. Hunk. Yeah, it's a babe. So, Rent, can King have a job singing a song about having AIDS? Ape escape. Have you guys? Jesus Christ, babe. You can't get two free associations in a row.

I sure can. Oh, my gosh. She's incredible. Have you guys heard about how someone tweeted this once about how they did rent at their school, but they weren't allowed to have any references to AIDS, so it was about diabetes. Fuck off.

Wow. So everyone was ashamed of having diabetes. Yeah. I think they cut quite a few songs. The biggest twist was that they all having diabetes. Yeah. I think they cut quite a few songs. The biggest twist was that they all had diabetes. Yeah. That's fucking stupid. It's so good.

You can get diabetes from hugging. That's what I heard. Really? Yeah. That's what I heard in my education. All right. So how good is King at singing the musicals of Rent? I think he would be a wonderful singer.

You did say he- Unfortunately, he only knows one word. Yes. musicals of Rent. I think he would be a wonderful singer. You did say he only knows one word. Yes. But, do you know what musical he would be very suited to? Oh! Cats. Jesus Christ

superstar. You see in my face that I know it's wrong As soon as I start the first syllable Because I hear the cat And it's Jesus Christ Super Cats Phantom King of the Opera So unfortunately I think

If we're moving this now instead of paying rent To being able to sing some of the music from The musical Rent I think If we're moving this now instead of paying rent To being able to sing some of the music from The musical Rent I think unfortunately King And Blanca, garbage So anyway, so zero about Singing Rent from Tiger Boy Because he just can't do it

But I will give him five for Cats Yeah sweet, good call Sharing Netflix password King, yes, because it's the same thing as Blanca He's a noble... He's a lawful good character. Is the bear's name Bear? His name is Kuma, which is bear in Japanese, yeah.

There's a panda as well, though, isn't there? His name is Panda, yes. Yeah. I want one of them to sleep on a big tummy. They will eat you. Oh. Never mind. Is King...

Redacted. Fuckable. Can you show me a picture? Yeah, sure. Imagine buff man, but cat head. Oh, no, she's broken. You made her think of two things at once. Tongue rough.

Tongue very rough. Oh, hmm. Will strip flesh from body. Oh, that really detracts. But, on the other hand, check out this sweet cape. Does have good cape. Yeah, I want... Just, yeah.

You would. Yeah. I know for a fact that you would. But leave the cape on. Yeah. Dick out cape on. It's another 75%. Unless it's the musical Cats, then it's a full 100% A across the board. Musical Cats, I reckon. Yeah. That's another 75% Unless it's the musical Cats Then it's a full 100% A across the board

Musical Cats I reckon That's another perfect housemate He brings a realism to Cats that has been sorely lacking Yes JD Ken From Street Fighter The worst Ryu

Because he first of all is just a guy So that's pretty easy to manage I don't have the blonker issue I'm just a guy I'm going to pretty easy to manage. I don't have the Blanca issue. I'm just a guy. I'm going to say that with everything. I'm sorry. That's good. No, it makes sense.

I'm just a guy. You can call me Ken. Yeah. Yeah, he's an American karate man. Yep. Yep. Do you ever play as Ken? Huh?

Do you ever play as Ken? No one plays as Ken. No, Ken is incredibly popular, but also slightly harder to use than Ryu in current Street Fighter V, so I've tried to learn him, but then immediately been shamed. Yeah. I miss you playing as Zangief. I know, I miss Zangief as well.

I miss the beefy boy on the screen. He's so cuddly. He is so pleasing aesthetically to me, and all he does is yell. But also he got nerfed hard, and now I can't play him anymore because it's just like it's the thing it's like all i'm doing is remembering how he used to be yeah the things that he was good at now are less good and that's annoying is the thing he good at just cuddles because he's very good at

a very spinning cuddle a very specifically damaging spinning cuddle that's what i want from my boy uh means like uh made mean? It means like made worse. So nerf is made worse and buff is made better. Why nerf? Because soft, I believe. As in like nerf bullets? Yeah. Is that really it?

I believe so. Yeah. Yeah. So he got made worse because he's easier to play or because he's harder to play or he does not as good shit? Oh, man. We are careening into an incredibly boring, complex conversation that I will have no one to claim. I might be able to sum this up in a sentence or two

and we'll be able to get the knowledge out there but also maybe not destroy your podcast. Yeah, okay, I'm sorry for doing anything of it. No, no, no, you're amazing. Don't ever change. Yes. I would dearly love to change. I just need you to know that I for doing anything about it. No, no, no, you're amazing. Don't ever change. Yes. I would dearly love to change. I just need you to know that I can't talk about this.

You don't want to see me this way. So in Street Fighter and other popular fighter games, everyone plays kind of differently, but they want to keep everyone's characters roughly the same level, if that makes sense, so you don't get a massive advantage by picking someone over someone else. Zangief was too good so they made him shit. So they're all

on the same level. Which explains why Tom was good at Zangief. No, I wasn't good at Zangief. I've never been good at a single character in this game. He hasn't. Yeah, Demi watches me genuinely pick up my controller and calmly lose ten games and then put

it down but i'm still like i don't know i don't know how we dump it i was super bronzed as zangief and i've been consistently losing down to like a bronze and verging on unranked with ryu so i've just gotten to like the the second thing and then i've lost enough that I lost 500 points and you lose like 20 points with each loss. It was, yeah. It's been a hell of a time. Real quick. I'm entirely changing every answer I've given to Voldo. Voldo!

That's the one you want to fuck most. Soul Calibur? He's the one that does this. Yes. You know this guy? Knives for hands. Do you know who Voldo is? He has a button combination that lets you do the bridge,

and he is pulsing the most. Yeah, and he doesn't, he never speaks. This is all he does. You know when people are like, will you fight me? And then it turns to Voldo and he goes. That's all he ever says. Tom's going to bed. Night night, baby.

Oh, no. Yeah, so Voldo, imagine Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. But imagine he was very bendy. Oh, and also, like, very bondage. Yeah, he looks like a sex nerd. Sex nerd. Yeah, his two states are, like, bondage. Kind of like bondage Leeloo.

Yeah, he does that. He does the bridge. He does that walk downstairs thing that I had. An attack from that is him thrusting his pelvis into the air and launching someone into the air with it. He's got a big bolt going. And then he does like a backwards worm, and there's nothing you can do to block it,

and you just do it over and over and over until they're dead. All right, so fuckability high. He's so hard to play as well, and he's the only fighting game character I've ever been good at. Okay, look, dishes though. He has knife for hand he has knife for hand cut yeah but i never need knife ah i use hand he could wash hand have free knife that was almost a sentence yeah um so okay so we're gonna give him some points because whilst he can't do the dishes, he is his own dishes. Yes. Okay, cool.

So I think we did like half points, do you think? I reckon. I just like the idea of a phrase like, we got a Voldo so clean you can eat off of me. And how is he good at performing in the musical Rent? Oh, shit. Can't sing. Are there any non-speaking roles though? He's a beautiful dancer. Exactly.

He's a once in a lifetimea-lifetime mover. Just, like, chuck him in the chorus. Beautiful. He's going to add so much to that performance. And also, like, you can be in the chorus and just mime rather than actually sing. No one will notice. Yeah, yeah.

That's how most people do. Sharing a Netflix password, though, I just don't believe he can type. Yeah, but that means that he needs me to input the password for him. That's true. So he has to share it. He has to, and I have to know what it is. What's he going to be watching on Netflix?

Knife documentaries? Like a lot of animes set in schools? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like processed food documentaries, and he's getting so hard watching them. Meat eaters. He's watching meat eaters a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Doomsday Preppers. Oh, man. Doomsday Preppers rules. Oh, fucking Doomsday Preppers. We've watched them! It's so good! Holy shit! Oh, man, just real quick.

Have you watched Deep Fried Masters? I have not. That's what you get seven episodes. You've got to watch it. Tom, is that the best thing that there is on netflix it's my favorite reality tv show ever they go to a different state fair with a different batch of contestants every episode and one charge you just know what he's obsessed with babe oh flour tortillas and eating off a stick that's butch benavides two things

you hand him a tortilla on a stick That's his favourite food Literally every single person that comes in Without a flour tortilla on their deep fried dish And without it being on a stick He's like now you know what would improve this And I'm like please tell me Please tell me Butch Benavides And he's like flour tortilla put it on a stick

I want to be walking around the fairgrounds I want to keep playing my games I need that on a stick Portable food Jim Stacy the main host of Deep Fried Masters, goes through a two or three episode arc where he's constantly telling people that his son would eat that or he would let his son eat that. I love this son.

I can give this to my son. I can see me giving this to my son, him eating it, and also having a wonderful time. I'll make corn dogs. Yeah. That's all he does. Their whole thing is like Bushmen of Edie's. he's deep fried butter right his whole thing is deep fried butter i remember watching like it was maybe on a current affair or even just the news and they're like

somewhere in america has discovered that you can deep fry butter and i was like why would you eat that yeah it's one of the most like it's a beautiful show because it's a cooking show that alternates between things that you're like, fuck, I want to eat that right now and things that make you wish you didn't have a mouth. Like, it's some of the most mouth-watering and disgusting vistas. And just one after the other. You never know what's coming.

In one episode, a guy makes meatballs, but he's, like, in search of a signature. So he's like, well, to really make this recipe my own, what I've done is I've coloured the meatballs blue. And they're like, I don't want to eat this. Yeah, they're like, this isn't a colour that food is, can't it? And it's also not blue because meatballs are brown, so it just looks diseased.

Yeah, it looks like when a food goes bad in a video game. Oh, yeah, sweet. Have you seen the gold chicken? because meatballs are brown so it just looks diseased. It's so bad. It looks like when a food goes bad in a video game. Have you seen the gold chicken? The chicken that's deep fried in gold? Oh shit! Yeah, yeah, yeah. The chicken wings and drumsticks and shit

and they're coated with liquid gold. It's fucked up. And watching people eat it is also fucked. Can you digest gold? If you're rich you can. with liquid gold. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucked up. It is. And watching people eat it is also fucked because they just end up with like- Can you digest gold? If you're rich, you can. Oh man. You can digest anything.

I'll buy a new body. My colon is just completely and utterly covered in gold. I'm jealous. Put my brain in another boy. I'm dying. Being dead is such

a rich privilege. Rich people love dying yeah especially yeah young and due to just experiencing too much life consuming too much gold and diamonds and other rich rubies most people like to wear rubies but i'm just gonna eat not me i want to lace my stomach with i wanted to eat pearls to see if I could make sand. I didn't and I couldn't and now I'm dead. Yeah, we call her the oyster. Oink, oink, oink. She rattles.

So yeah, Ken, housemate, pretty good, I guess. He... Yeah, because he has self-esteem issues because everyone's like, oh, you're kind of like Ryu, but a bit worse. Dumb hair. Nice red outfit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, Ken. Weren't you born as just a clone of Ryu as a player too? That sucks, bro.

So it means pretty much any time you ask him to do something, he'd do it because he'd be scared that he's going to lose a friend. That's true. Eager to please. Eager to please. So Netflix sharing of a boss about 100%, doing the dishes 100%. He could get a job because he could just be like, hey, go work as a personal trainer at the gym or something.

He's buff as. And he looks kind and approachable. So if he's like a PT, you'd be like, he's buff, but he's kind and approachable. Yeah. He's also great at spin kicks. So good at spin kicks. He's so good at spin kicks. So good at spin kicks. He's so good at spin kicks. He can shoot energy out of his hands if he really wants to.

And that's how you clean a dish. Yeah. Whoa. Hadouken it clean. That's good. Might be the perfect housemate. Yeah. I'm just going to take this break.

How is he in... Give me one second. Yeah, give me a sneeze. I've jinxed it. No, but I'm going to keep talking. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

In the musical Rent, where is Ken? The sneeze as well and it's really gone. Oh no! It's okay. I feel like we didn't even get a chance to know it. It's all just air in the wind. No, it's in me, I guess. Air in the me.

Cute. Musical Rent. Musical Rent, Ken. You know what? If he could sing, I guess. Aaron the me. Cute. Musical rant. Musical rant, Ken. You know what? If he could sing, I wouldn't be shocked. He looks like he could. He had a history in stage. It does.

Yeah, I think he could possibly sing. Again, chorus member for sure. And he can spin super well. So any of the ridiculous chorus members will have to jump and spin. He'll do like three spins. I love when the whole chorus where you have to jump and spin. I'll do like three spins. I love when the whole chorus jumps and spins. It's my favourite part of most musical.

Ken, I've noticed that now that you've taken over the choreography of this, there's a lot of jumping and spinning moves. Do you like it? 500, 25,000 Datsumaki Subunyaku!

Can you do it without the sound, Ken? Ken, please. I can just jump without the spin if you'd like. Yes, please, without the... Please, Ken. Please, just a nice quiet dance, Ken. Just accept me for me. Ken didn't come me for me. Yeah. Ken didn't come here to change.

And finally, fuckability for Ken. Very apologetic. No, Ken. So you'd fuck bondage boy with knives, but blonde haired, red suited Ken. He ain't got no knives. Confidence counts for so much. It really does. Do you think Ken would be like

one of those guys who's constantly asking you if you like it? Oh my God. Do you like that? Is that good? It's one of those questions that shifts from,

because I've been this guy before, the question asking shifting from being a considerate lover to being like, you immediately realize you've got no idea what you're doing. Is this good? Is this good? Is it in?

Just flicking the light switch on and off. Do I look further away? What if I put my tongue here? What about here? Is that good? It's just touching different your own teeth. Yes? So, unfortunately, Ken, not great.

Well, easy to fuck, unpleasant to fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think when it all comes down to it, Voldo is the perfect housemate. Perfect. Yay! Congratulations, Voldo. Nice, boy.

Oh, he's here to accept the person. To accept the award. Voldo, thank you so much. Here we are. We voted you best housemate. Back bend, back bend. He moves so good. Into a ball.

Okay, bye guys. Oh, he's gone. Wow. I panicked. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Joel. I'm Joel.

And where can we find you two fine Joels? Joel. Joel. We have a podcast it's called BigSoftTitty.png we'll be in Edinburgh, we live together and we're very much in love. Seconded. Yes. Thirded and Fourthed. Beautiful. I have a Patreon. Bye.

Bye. Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows

you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps! And if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.

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