Plumbing the Death Star - Which Green Guy is the Best to Be? with Lauren Bonner

Episode Date: April 5, 2026

Today the boys are joined by wonderful friend and even more wonderfuller comedian Lauren Bonner to ask a very important question one of YOU had: which green guy is the best to be? There are so many good green guys! There’s Hulk whomst gets purple pants every time he exists. Green Goblin has goblin madness and that could be pretty neat. The Jolly Green Giant! He’s so jolly! Yoda - he gets to live in a swamp! Gamora? Gets to not be in a relationship with Chris Pratt. All wonderful green guys to be and we don’t even discuss these guys this episode! See. It is a good question!If you’re in Melbourne for MICF you should check out Lauren’s show Nobody Can Stop Me From Doing This and check out her website lauren-bonner.comLinks to everything at https://linktr.ee/plumbingthedeathstar including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's up gamers and fans of podcasts in general? Are you a gamer and a fan of a podcast and maybe in Sydney in April? That was my practice one. I'm good to go. It was really good. I don't think you need to practice anymore. What's up gamers and fans of other podcasts that aren't necessarily video game-based. Did you know that Thumbcrams is heading to Sydney in April?

That's right. Thumbcrams and Friends present Sidney April on April 16 at 7.30 p.m. At where? What? The factory theater. I don't know. Don't look at us. We don't know.

You tell me where we're performing. We're performing it in the factory floor, which is one of the rooms in the wonderful factory theater. And when? I don't know that either. I said just before. Well, remind, he wasn't listening. listening, I don't know what's going on, I'm very scared. And it's on April 16, Thursday, April 16, at 7.30pm, respectable time for a weeknight.

Yeah. And thumb cramps obviously is hosted by me and Jackson. Yes. You might have heard when I said thumb cramps and friends present things in April, and you're probably sitting there being like, who they're friends. I'd love to buy a ticket to this podcast, but I need to know who their friends are. Great news. It's Joel Zammett. Hello, I'm right here.

You probably heard my voice from before when I said, what? Oh, what's going on? You can expect some of that, but you can. You can also expect that from Andrew Levens. He's not in this studio currently. We can't throw to him. He'll be there. Steph Panacassio.

Also not in the studio. But you can imagine what you might say. Chloe Appleby. Same thing. Bet she'd have a good joke right about now. Ruby Inners. I bet she'd say something mean to me. Those are the friends, but whose thumb creams?

Well, it's Joel Dusha. Hey! It's me. Back to bye. And Jackson Bailey. I'm in Zammett Bailey And Zammett Bailey This starts going really well

Anyway Tickets are available now There is only like 30 or so left We booked a room that we thought Was gonna be too big And now it's looking like it could sell out You can get tickets through the Thumb Crams

Instagram bio Or any of the show descriptions Of a Thumb Crams episode Listen Released in the last Probably the show notes of this episode too Whatever it is Look down I guess

Grab your phone and be like Look down but not too down because that's how you'll find the floor. This is Thumbcrams' first time doing a show outside of Melbourne and technically London. Yeah. So don't forget to come. And I'll see you there, gamers.

Don't you dare forget to come to our show. Don't you forget to come. It's such a funny call-out. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joel. And today we're joined by comedian Lauren Bono.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to the podcast. You clap so aggressively. And strange. That's what I inspire in an audience. Exactly.

That's that sort of rapturous applause. You bring it out in me. I'm accustomed to it. Anything less would be an insult. I would say manic. Yeah. Like I'm sick in the hair. Yeah.

Well, Plumbing the Death Star is a comedy pop culture podcast and asked the important. questions. Yeah. And this week it's a listener question. And what a question. Which green guy is the best to be? This question comes to us from McKenna the mid on the Discord. You can submit a question on the Discord as well

if you sign up to the bad brain boys, which you can do through sanspansradio.com. You get a bunch of other stuff as well, but mostly, more importantly. You get to suggest something like this. Now, I will say, we were tossing up. We had two questions, okay? And the other one, I wish I could remember who actually

You know who you are. You know who you are. The other question was literally a coin flip was, what if Mr. Bean was Mr. Bean? Sometimes I look at the questions in the Discord, and I say they really truly are plumbing the desktop fans. Yeah, McKenna, Big 7 in the Gris, in the Discord, in the Grisboard, which green guy is the best to be?

Oh, yeah, that was also a great question. Yeah, it's really, really solid. Best to be, you say. Yeah, because it opens you up to. Well, there's so many green guys. I think it's important to clarify it. best to be, not the best one. No, not the most powerful, not the most interesting.

It's the best, the lived experience. And what I like as well is it doesn't give us really parameters around that. It's not like that we're having the most fun, that we're making the most money. Just to be. Just to be. And that's existential. Yeah, exactly. It truly is.

Yeah. Well, I was thinking, and I'm maybe stretching the, like, you know, the term guy here. A little bit. Interesting. Because it's actually guys and there's six of them. And it's Devastator, the Transformer, who is six different transformers, to then come together and make one big son of a bitch called Devastator. They're just construction, like, their construction, like,

construction vehicles, like, one's like a cement mixer, one's a bulldozer. It would be sick to be a cement mixer, but it would feel really good to mix. And then to also be six guys. Is this like a, because they're like working vehicles, I don't know much about the Transformers universe. No, that's fair. Usually you work up to an answer like this, but someone was excited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also don't know heaps about these guys.

I just know they make one guy. And that seemed appealing. As a personality, because they're like the concrete truck, is it kind of like the working class? Oh, yeah, true. The salt of the earth transformer. Is it relatable to the common man? Just a real piece of shit, transformer.

He says some pretty crook jokes. You know, on the work side. But he's honest. Yeah, exactly. He tells it like it is. Well, they are Decepticons. Okay. So they are the cunts of the robots.

Yeah, okay. So that's six of them, all forming one big guy. What do you think it feels like to be that big guy? Do you think you're like six personalities that then become one personality? Or do you think it's like... Or it's like you become this new personality, but then you have like six voices in your heads all asking about like, you know, vine for control. Collaboration, I guess. And I guess that would appeal to you as, you know, part of a podcast, a collaborative.

Yeah. If we could fuse together the three. three of us to make one name named Jojo Jackson. Wow. Hell yeah. Awesome name. Jojo Jackson, the best. Why don't we get half our name?

He gets his full name. It should be Jojosen. Okay, what about this? Jojo. Only the start of all of our names. But Jo Jack Joe. Joe Jack Joe. Jackson, this is actually reminding me of a Reels exclusive riff that just got posted

the Instagram. A really good Reels exclusive riff that you won't get. Okay, it's not going to happen again. No. Unless you go to Instagram. at plumbing pot and give it a watch and wow, what a roof, yeah. So looking at what makes up

a Devastator, it's, so bone crusher, he's the left arm. Okay. Someone named Hook, an upper body. I need to know what kind of vehicles these are. Great question. Great question. Now I've got to open up another tab, so thank you for that. I was really going to focus in the fact that Scrapper, who is the leader, but he has

the body part right leg, which to me seems weird for the leader of this whole truth to be the right leg. Right, but I don't know you put the one foot forward. Best foot forward. Oh, good point. Wow, that's a real thinking man's comedy.

He's taken a step. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. What would you pick, though, in like a, like, I guess, like a Voltron situation. Head, head or chest? If no one's... Chest? Well, because sometimes no one's the head.

And the head often pops up from the chest. I'm not respecting the chest. The torso. The torso. The heart. The heart. The heart. The heart.

I get to Amit's fear, if you're the head and they go, we're going to eject the head. Yeah. Or sometimes there is no head. The head will pop up from the torso. If the head pops up from the torso, I'm counting that as them being the head. Yeah, well, that's the torso. I would be the neck. Not head, that's too much responsibility.

But if I'm the neck... I just don't think the leader should be the guy that all the guys go in. What do you mean? What do you mean by that? If you're the leader, come to my pad. Yeah. It's like... It's like...

In, in, in, in, in, like, power ranges, whatever, they all go into their head and it's one room, I think. Like, imagine if that wasn't the leader's room. Yeah. Weird. That is weird. No, but it's in like... I'm going to, like, I'm going to left leg room. If I'm a manager, I don't want staff sticking there.

Like, I'm driving my manager car. Yeah. My manager car shouldn't have five holes for my employees to plug their cars into. So you want to be... Yeah. No, I want to be the head. Or do you want to be elsewhere. It seems like you want to not be in the road.

I'm just not thinking the torso. I don't respect the torso. The chest as the leader? Well, where else? You got, you can't have head right now. The ass would be awesome. Yeah, I would say, yeah, yeah. I think it would depend on maybe the character.

And this is a personality question, I think, because that's what you're saying. And it's actually reminding me of my theatre background. Oh, my God. When you look at the history of theatre, you see Comedia Delarte, physical clown comedy and there's different characters

Pantalone, you know, he's a sexual man and he leads with his groin and then other characters may lead with their nose. So it's about the physicality and so you're saying you're not someone who leads with their chest Yeah, you're someone who leads with their arms? What are you leading with? You know? Is it your head? Is it your right leg?

And it's really a question of personality. I'm glad your theatre trained though because I often think of plumbing the Death Star as obviously it's not a thing, theater production, so it would never directly be this, but it's kind of like a podcast of cruelty. Yes. Yes. Atto. Yeah. Yeah. We're a big Artoe podcast. Absolutely. I think there's elements of pantomime here too. Well, I could start out of people are like, get out of there. They're going to make fun of you. He's behind you. I can't hear the list of you know. With the

theater background you also had, when you were watching presumably the newest Avatar film, I made a lot of money, so I'm guessing you've seen it. Probably. I like, I don't, I think I did see it. I can't remember if I, like, saw a screening of the first one that I was like, I've got a friend who gets invited to a lot of media screenings, and it was like a media screening, and she hyped it way too much. And she was like, there's going to be free shit. We've got to dress up.

I got there, no free shit. We were overdressed. Oh, no. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be overdressed as strong characters? I was made of blue. We're the only two blue people here. Like, very fancy, like, you know, like you don't a ball gown thing, but just blue paint. Still, dragon bones?

Oh, is this just open to the public? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I've seen it. The only reason I ask is because they introduced a bad avatar and Nate Tiri, one of the good avatars, she leads with her chest. That's true. But bad avatar leads with her crotch.

Yes, that's a good point. There you go, dude. Theater is everywhere. I'm going to start holding up placards. Epic podcast. Yeah. We should get you a plaque. We should.

And yeah, yeah, the placards that hold the mom and I go, I'm educating. This is epic theater. The science. But I guess in this whole... I'm not theatre trained, by the way. I just know this stuff. You're dropping a lot of things. That was Brecht.

That was Brecht. It was Brecht. Brechtian theater. Or epic theater. Yeah, yeah. Which I feel as aged poorly as a name. Yeah. Epic.

Epic theater. The bacon of theater. But I guess in terms of this Joe Jojoja, you would be the, I guess, the lower body. Is that what you want? Okay. Belly? You got left arm, upper body, lower body, left leg, right leg, or right arm. Those are your options.

Where do you want to be, baby? Taint. Do you want to be the Taint? Which is the lower body. Tate's good because like if there's bad guys below you, you can fire down. No one ever expects the Taint to have a gun. It's not imagining the Power Rangers like little headquarter thing. All the chairs go into that one thing. But it's great to imagine that little headquarters in the taint.

Everyone just combining. We've got a friend that we all know who I won't name because I can't remember. remember if they've told this story on a podcast. And it's nothing crazy. It's just that they've wrecked taints for me, which is a crazy claim to make. That's a real shame. Because the taint is... Did she punch you?

No, no. A taint taint? Is your tank scar? She got confused about balls going up when it's cold. Oh, yes. And she thought that there was a... A cavity inside. Thought that anyone that had a penis and testicles had a whole... had a hole in their taint that they could kind of like lock the balls in,

like tuck them in manually. Like, tuck them in manually and like they just sit there. Kind of like the old Power Rangers action figures, when you could flip the head inside. Exactly flipping the nuts out. That would rock, dude. I wish I could do that. To be the nuts?

Oh, the nuts on a Voltron? I'm the weak point. I'm still confused. How did this ruin? Yeah, wrecked them even better. I wish that, oh, your taint now feels inferior. Yeah, because it's not to win anything. I'd like in a Voltron.

I'd like to be the wig. Can it have been a wig? Yeah. So I'm not always like taking out on missions. But when you're there, you're adding something special. If the Voltron wants hair for that day or the hat would be pretty good to be. I reckon like to be the sword. Yeah.

Because they don't often use the sword. I'm the guy that goes in guys. Yeah, exactly. Well then they stab the sword into the bad Voltron and you get out and you clamber out and then start punching. I wonder how many guys you could fit in a Voltron. That's what I keep thinking. like eyes, nose, mouth, each individual tooth is a guy. You know what depends, because then you go, is the mouth?

Or is it face, just face? Yeah, exactly. How deep are you getting? A Voltron? Usually, I don't know Voltron that well. Is it like Transformers whether they're a car and then they fused it? It depends on Voltron. Yeah.

It's like Power Rangers rules. Yes. It was like tigers. Yeah. And it used to be like... Tigers. Yeah, it was tiger robots. The arm is also like a rhino at times.

Sometimes. What? They have different depending. Creatures or cars. I think it's like a robot tiger that then can become a hand, which then can become a car. Because it's a robot tiger. And then there was like the chest. So it was like, I remember because it was like black and it was like a bit differently shaped tiger.

And then they would like form together. And then, yeah, two of them would be legs, two of them would be arms. And then the head would pop out. And is this? I'm almost going to regret asking this. But like transformers, like when you say transformers, like, is this, this is a greater universe outside of the JJ Abrams. Yeah, this is like the 80s cartoon, toys. It's a whole thing.

Yeah. Before someone comes for us, Lauren meant Michael Bay. That's what if he's been like, JJ Abrams. Yeah, it sounds about right. What did he do then? JJ Abrams did Star Trek? Yeah. He's still a bunch of shit.

Look, he's got a beautiful daughter who sings songs. Yeah, she does. Sure. Gracie Abrams. Yeah, exactly. Gracie A. I said, sure. What more do you want from me?

You'd love her. I said, sure. You'd adore her. And also, Lauren, I'm so sorry. Forget everything I just said it. You don't need to know about Michael Bay. Or JJ Abrams. Do I not need to know about Michael Bay?

No. Michael Bay. Sounds nice. It sounds nice place to holiday. Charles, we go to Michael Bay. I'm going to Michael Bay. I'm just going to Michael Bay. I'm just going to drive down to Michael Bay.

Spend some time away. Do the weekend, time away, at Michael Bay. Time with the white. That's a good slogan. It's a great place to stay at Michael Bay. If you want some time. That's a ballroom. Time to play.

So it's good for a slogan to evolve. It's the locals are, I guess, going down to Mike. Yeah, going down to the mic. Mike, babe. Beautiful stuff. But yeah, I think it would be fun to be, yes, six other lads. And then you'd be nice to be chilling around.

Plus, I'm evil. Yeah. And it's so easy to be. It's always good to be evil. I'm an evil and like I'm construction vehicles. I think one of them is like the thing with the ball. Oh, you know the ball. The ball can do a lot of people.

Yes, yeah. That's awesome. Are they using that? Are people really using a wrecking ball? I don't know if they still are, which is a real shame, but fuck they're cool. No, they still use record. Sure. They're using that.

That seems like the first idea they had of how to knock down a building. And they should have come up with something else. A hundred percent. Or like a different shape or something. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it would just be cheap. Yeah. Plus like a big solid metal ball.

Yeah, I guess. What else is going to stop in that? Just hit it. Wouldn't it be satisfying, though? Just grabbing the controls and flinging them aggressively. I always think that the guy in the crane's got to be the loneliest guy on the construction. The loneliest man. Yeah, they're up there.

Yeah, you're just moving the crane. You're so high up for one. Lunchtime rolls around. Whistle goes. You're not going down the ladder. to hang out. Could you listen to podcasts up there? Yeah.

Probably it'd be kind of nice. If you're driving a crane right now and you listen to Popmer the Dust, like give us a little swing. Yeah. Just swing the screen a little bit. Looking at the window right now, spins, spin that crane. Spin the crane. You'll make the news and we'll go,

Bomb in the Death. Shipping container or whatever, just flying around. Just somebody's ship, like, your form and be like, what are you doing? You're yelling down. I'm listening to Pump in the Death Star. I like that they're not using the radio. That's my favorite bit.

But yeah, like, you're not going, you're going to eat your pack. You're watching as your friends have lunch. You go, I wish I knew what they were laughing. It's scary up there. Yeah, plus you're terrified. You're so hard. You're scared the whole time.

And you're tired from climbing all the way up. I hate my job. I'm always scared in ties. I'm scared of my leggy's hurt from the ladder. It'd be so easy if someone was up there operating the crane, they could just hook me and then pull me up. That's what they should do. They're just doing shifts like that. Cranes should have elevators, not ladders. Maybe they do.

I'm pretty sure it's just a lotto. That's fucking crazy. You get up there, you go all the way. Hey, Jackson, I'm gonna need a nap. That's crazy. That's what I think whenever I honestly, when I see anyone doing manual labor for anything, if it's like above 25 degrees Celsius and there's men building a roof, I think if I had to do that for one day, it would be the craziest day of my life. Yeah, absolutely.

And this guy is 60 years old shirtless in the sun. Oh, yeah. And just doing it. He's so sleepy. Looking like an old leather bag. He's probably 20. He's just been out of the sun with his shirt off. He's just been cooking out there.

Respect. Yeah, I agree. To the concrete truck, Decepticon. Out there, the working vehicle. They off. Well, I mean, you'd be having workers in you. Yeah? So really, you just have to do much.

I think that'd be nice to be driven, like Thomas a tank engine. He seems like he has a nice relationship with the guy that drives him. Well, you can pick the green train if you want. No, it's not what I'm picking. Who picked the green train? I'm going to pick it. Alligator. No crocodile?

No, I think I'd just like to be an alligator in the other glades. It seems like a nice life. Why alligator no crocodile? Alligators, I'd like where they are more. They're more chill. Yeah, they're relaxed. They make cooler noises. I've done, I've done a fan boat tour in Louisiana.

That's awesome. That accent is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I can't understand it. Yeah. I don't know what they're saying. They go and chump chump or something?

They make a noise like, kind of? Or am I imagining that? I can't remember. I imagine a frog sound. No, I think there's like an alligator noise they make. That sounds like what they would. I don't know.

Allegedly, I have one that's about to play right now. Okay, let's hear the allegation. It's not like a sound. Whoa, that's awesome. That's way scary. That sounds like a crocodile. That, well, it's labeled as alligator, but he's a thing. I mean.

What's your sauce? What's the source of us? Yeah, the source is it came up in a window. Okay. What does he mean by the? Why does he possibly mean? Oh, like Google offered it. Yeah, Google, but it's not Google AI.

It's just a random thing that came up. You can do Google's doing animal noises now. Yeah, if you've got a Google home, you can ask it to do it. Not anymore. Yeah, dude. That was like my name. I know. Okay, so yeah.

So we, okay, this fucking, this actually pisses me right the fuck off. I mean, the candid animals, it was animal the day. They got rid of this. Oh, no. It was something that was animal the day. It was a lot of fun. Don't what that is? Is that an alligator?

That's humpback whale. Oh, it's a good sound. One of the better animal noises. This generally pissed. Because we switched over to like Siri, like that kind of stuff. And we used to have like the Google thing. And it was fun. You'd be like, hey, Google, let me know the animal the day and do a jaunty little tune.

Yeah. And then it would be like, here's some facts about the animal. And then also like here's what it sounds like. Yeah. Right. And then we're like, okay. But then we switched from like, yeah, that Google to Siri. And then we're like, I miss animals.

of the day. Yeah, of course. We're just going to find with the little Google fuckers and plug it in. And they were like, what's the animal of the day? And it's like, that service has been stopped now. Why? I was so mad. If you didn't announce that the service, it was like, we're not doing that.

It didn't just go like, I don't know what you mean. And I feel like by it being like, we're not doing that anymore, there's some implication that you're an idiot. Yeah. Like, we're not doing that anymore. Keep up with the news in bosom. Right. Yeah.

It was so much fun. I didn't do animal of the day. I would just be sometimes if I was bored, I'd be like, okay, Google, what does a horse sound like and it would just witty at me and I'd be like I truly live in the future you know want to see what a rat sounds like yes always it's weird thank you thank you thank you that's saying okay Google over and over again next to your phone that responds to Google yeah yeah that's really good yeah yeah classic rat noise I'm kind of expecting what to be funny but they're not they're just play alligator again so I can imagine being an alligator in the

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, dude. And I'm just floating there, just like a log, you know? It's called it's aesthetic. It's Lano del Rey. Exactly. It is Lada del Rey. It's literally.

It's her husband. It's the swamp guy. And like having frogs clamber onto my back or turtles. I like that. Or whatever, when you see a bird, like riding on the alligator. Oh, yeah. And I go, yeah, he's just my guy. Where are you heading?

He's cleaning me. They clean the teeth? Huh? They clean the teeth as well? I think that does happen. Yeah. Well, that's when I'm lying on the mud and I got my mouth open and a bird comes by, and the bird comes by.

Can you mind of it? And I go ahead, go ahead. Might eat up? Yeah. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just, I'm fucking with you, dude. We've got some of your cousin stuck in there.

Yeah. You can do that out for me. Come on. I'm not going to eat you. Yeah. Right in the back. Right in the back. No, I'm funny.

If I would never. But would I? But would I do it? I don't know. Yeah. Is an alligator the one that like they walk? Like, they're a bit higher up. than a crock.

Yeah, I believe so. They kind of walk. Yeah, they got longer leg and they kind of walk funny. Mm-hmm. Tell me that's not like the best life. I got a tiny brain that hasn't developed since the Cretaceous period. Yeah, dude. I always wonder about like, because when we're in the water, it's cold.

Yeah. But do fish get cold? And like, I'm also thinking about, have you seen the movie the shape of water? Yes. You know, at the end of that, then what's her name gets in the water with the fish guy. And she's like going to live underwater with the fish guy. Yeah. But I'm like, I wouldn't like that.

No, it's cold on the water. It's cold under there. Like, there's no TV. Yeah, there's not much going on underwater. It couldn't be warm. I don't know, but it's like. If you go to a vent, a volcanic vent, maybe it's warm. I don't want it.

Also, shape of water guy, he's probably cold, slimy. Yeah. She does some crazy stuff that I wouldn't do with a fish man. Yeah, yeah. This, just a simple hand gesture in the movie really, really shaped you. Tells you everything you need to know. Wow. I wouldn't have done that.

I wonder what his taint looks like. Whoa, very good question. And bod hole while we're talking about it. Do you have cheeks? I don't believe so. Fish men tend not to. Yeah. He probably does like long fish poos.

It's like a goldfish. Realistically. I would imagine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Must be real weird if they're living in the water and he sees her take a shit for the first. Oh, yeah. He's like, you're sick or something. Yeah, that's not how the body works to me.

He's been pretty up close Yeah, that's true, that's true Yeah, she's probably as freaky to him As he is to her Yeah, that's true But in a good one I reckon there's like other like Like the fish people

Like I can't believe he's just He's doing what to a shaved ape Yeah, exactly dude It would be disgusting if you were another fish That maybe is like with some I mean obviously there's lots of jokes about it at the time But like with some more distance We go oh the movie where a woman

Fox a fish Yeah Best picture Fish man I guess man Man does carry a lot of weight down. But does have a weird dick as confirmed by the movie. It's very true, dude.

I wonder if they settle into sort of a domestic pattern eventually under the water there. What shape of water too? Yeah, exactly. She's like, we're in a rut. Let's spice things. And she's like, all you have to do is go, boom. I should have learned your fish language. I'm a fucking dog to you.

I should know what the fuck you're saying. Put your penis away. Well, the movie deals with that Because remember, she's mute She signs She signs She's signing on the water He's signing back

We're in a rut We need to figure something out You know It's dark Well actually here's the problem though Communication will become an issue Because yeah right underwater Underwater's dark

Yeah fuck dear Well if you were an alligator Yes Would you take an alligator bride Or would you want to take A human bride Or husband? My guess my question is

am I like an alligator with my brain? Or am I just a full alligator? You're a full alligator. Well, if I'm a full alligator, I'm taking an alligator wife, if she'll have me. And if you've got a human brain, you'll take an alligator wife, if she'll have me. I wonder if having a human brain would make me better

at, like, getting an alligator wife. I was going to say, like, getting a bone over an alligator? Getting turned into a different animal and then getting a boner as that animal would feel crazy. What is the alligator? I can't even imagine what the...

Yeah, I immediately imagined an alligator like getting an erection and then hooking it on a log on the wall or something. Like the way he's like dragging like dragging on the rock Like when your sleeve gets caught

in a door knob and like... Maybe it feel a little bit awesome to be your dick stuck in a long It's like one of our logs with like, what's he death roll? There's no out of it in there. It's like yeah, I got them logs with like a branch

Yeah, exactly. Just, like, really just caught in between. Somebody from, like, one of this fan boat tours, just watching me with my eyes. It looks like he's trying to say. He's trying to do a death roll. It's just like, oh, well, I do a death roll, flip around, and then the whole tree comes with me. You know, it would be good for being an alligator. It's like when they just ride around, but only their eyes out of the water.

Oh, my God. Just the skimming their little eyeballs out, that would be. That would be water like right up to the year. Because you do that in the pool sometimes. Yeah, it feels good. Yeah. It feels good. And if I'm an alligator with a human brain, then I can do that up to fan boats and then like rise slightly out of the war.

And it would be tall. It would be tall. What's up to you? You thought it was an alligator. No, I'm a man in an alligator's body because I got to pick what green thing I'd like to be. And I picked an alligator. Yeah, I met a witch and it was awesome. The witch said, I'd give you and I said, this is what I want.

Okay. Let me cut you off. Turn me into an alligator. But I want. A man's brain. My brain. Yeah. Would I come to regret it, do you think?

No. Not at all. How long does an alligator live? Please look that off. I'm really like, you know, like say the behaviors of an alligator. It's like, well, apart from being like, you know, opportunistic nocturnal hunters, but like basking in the sun. Oh, fuck. Because again, you know, you're cold-blooded now. You need that sunlight.

You feel out, like, you know, what I'm more you need. Just like the sun hit my scales. You can use, you use bellows to communicate. That's cool. That's cool. You dig? What am I digging? Mud holes and borrows?

That's nice. See, this is what kind of frightens me about becoming an alligator suddenly is I don't have alligator instincts. And especially in the context of getting an alligator wife, all of the other alligators know what to do.

Dude, you got to focus on food before you can focus on getting an alligator wife. Could you provide for an alligator wife? I don't think so. You're like one of those guys that's like, alright, I've finished high school, time to get married. It's like, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, you got to sort your shit out first. And if I've got a human brain I'm going up to other alligators and being like, hey, man, hey, you doing, I'm Jackson. So, new to the alligator thing. What do we do? Yeah, so I was about to say, the problem there, Jack, is so adult alligators are very territorial. And they're like, they're very much just like, loaning.

Up to a fella. Hey, what do we do? And he snaps to me. Yeah. Dude, what the fuck? So I realize, yeah, as cold-blooded, like, that's like, you bust to warm up and you go with the water to cool down. So, like, if that, you don't do that, do you cook or freeze?

Like, what happens? Do you like get to above a certain temperature? And you're like, oh, no. Yeah. Animals can sunburn. Yeah. Which feels weird, but they can. Yeah, absolutely.

This is not about sunburn. This is about regulating your body. I don't have those alligator instincts. So I might not know when I need to get out of the water. Yeah, but like, okay, we're at a pool. We're still humans. Okay. Done.

Sunbathing. Or not even sunbathing, just hanging out in the sun. And you're like, damn, I'm all heated up now. Yeah, suppose I would know. And then you go in the pool. Yeah. And it feels awesome. That's because of our skin.

Yeah. And we understand that. But their skin's tougher is my point. He's right. Would you be friends with me still if I was an alligator? Are you going to bite me? I'm like. There's your answer, Jack.

There's your answer. I mean, Jackson's friends with us and we could hit him at any time. Yeah, yeah. You could get like how dogs get trained to press buttons to communicate. Oh, that's great. You could still do the pod. Just get a few buttons. Balls.

Balls. Shut up. Shut up. I'm not listening. What's happening? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Huh? What? What? Huh? What? Real's exclusive riff. Dad would get us some likes and some views on a real... If I was an alligator in the tail.

An alligator on the pod. You're still sitting like a man? Yeah. But wrong because my spine doesn't work. You said we were in the pool and I was imagining you guys in the pool throwing a ball around and I'm like lying on the edge of the pool and then do that scary alligator thing where I slip in. That would be good to do the slip-in Should we get out? Should we get it?

Is he going to bite us? Maybe. Yeah. I'm not going into swim. Even if an alligator can communicate with me and says, Hey man, what's up? I'm an alligator. I'm not going to eat you.

I'm like, yeah, sorry. I'm like, my big teeth prejudice. I'll be the alligator in the back of the car as we drive to the pool. Yeah. Hey, so Jack. Yeah. You're not, like when we get in the pool,

like, do you do you death roll? I do, yes. Yeah, are you not going to do that with like I've already eaten, so I'm good. Oh, sweet. I had a rotissory chicken. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Like, you know, you wouldn't death throw last, right?

Well, like I said, I've already eaten. Yeah, that wasn't a no. Yeah, well, I don't know. The problem now, when do you need to eat, though? I'm still figuring that out. It would be a lot easier if I could use my phone still. Yeah. The touchpad doesn't work with my alligator hands.

It doesn't recognize alligator fingers. But I won't know. I won't bite you. I won't death row you, I promise. Should we stop by calls and get? a couple of our trip. Yeah, no, that's an idea. Some decoy chickens.

I obviously, sorry about this gang, but I don't have, obviously, as an alligator anymore. You don't have to spot me? I don't have money. Yeah, it's fine. I don't know if money. Or a bank account or anything? Do you need roar or I was just going to buy like, you know, the bachelor handbags? I need frogs, actually.

What are we eating a lot of as frogs? We can't get that from cold. Do alligators eat frogs? I don't know. I've developed a taste for me, I suppose. So alligators even death roll, or is that a crocodile? That's what I was asking. Like I said, I mean, I have been death rolling,

but if I had access to your phone, I find out of my mouth. I think, you know, it'd be one thing if it was your animal instinct to death roll us. And I could understand that. But if it's not even in your nature to death roll and you go out of your way to death roll one of us, I think that would be rude. Well, you got to understand, when I'm underwater, okay, and you guys are on the surface, you look like, you know, pray to me. You look like sort of seals.

But we don't look like frogs. And goats and stuff. With not frogs, though. Well, I'm only... Oh, chickens, exactly. But I'm only eating frogs because they're easy to catch. Yeah, but we... You just said you were...

You just... Let's stop by Coles. Let's pick up some rotissory chicken. Do you want a rotissory chicken or you want a raw chicken? Well, let's get a rotissory chicken because it's more. And then I'm probably not gonna... I probably won't bite you. Hey, great news.

Could you just like give us a warning nibble and then I can leave? Yeah. You're gonna adapt to vegan alligator pretty easily. Yeah. Listen to how they eat. Okay. They use a powerful jaws to crush prey But often swallow smaller meals whole

Oh, yes See, that's what I mean with the frogs I just swim underwater with my mouth open The frogs are too slow Wholes like a wailing over the baleen for frogs Opportunistic and carnivorous They're not picky and will consume fish Invertebrates, mammals, birds, reptiles and amphibians

Yeah, dude Be swallowing pigeons in hog Yes, exactly Do you reckon you would clean people? They will eat dead animals They don't care And they've also been spotted eating fruits and berries. Oh my God, do you throw an apple my way?

You got it, friend. Do alligators, do you reckon they think different things are yummier than others? Like, do they have any of that in them? It's a really good question. Like, surely an apple taste. Does alligators taste sweetness? Yeah, do they taste things? Yes.

Are they foodies? They're eating it whole, though. I feel they're avoiding that other taste buds. It's like something we've discussed on the podcast pretty frequently. Yeah. Ever seen this man in front of us, Jackson, eat. Yeah. I'm quick about it.

They think it's a bad thing. He's like so fast. Doctors hate him. Yeah, doctors hate his one trick, which is chewing twice. A rapid pace. Also drinks in a way where he gets out of breath during the drink. Like a child? That's like an impression of a kid when they're like, oh.

That's what I do. I never grow out of him, I guess. Yeah, Jackson drinks like that. And then when he finishes, he hits him with a... Yeah. Because I'm exhausted. Yeah. But then he'll describe the taste as something, and we've realized that he doesn't really get the taste.

He gets the aftertaste for the whole time. I believe I'm tasting it, but it's debating. Yeah. You're on the pod. Do you think you'd be annoyed at me if I was an alligator and we went, say, after the pool, we went out for, like, lunch and I got, like, a normal human meal? Would you be like, because you don't need that? Like, if I was like, you know, I'm like, I'm not tasting it necessarily. No. Just eat the table, dude.

Shut up. Like, I wouldn't bother me. No, I think it would be, I think it would be nice. I think it'd be like a sign that you were trying to ingratiate yourself. Yeah, exactly. That said, though. I don't want things to change so much just because I've become an alligator. I remember what he said before, which is that we would have to spot him.

Yeah. So that would annoy me the moment. Mostly across the table because I can't really sit at a chair. One of my eyes was like looking at the menu. I'm like, yeah, I reckon I'll get the steak. He's kicking the most extensive on him. We notice on that? The porter house.

Surf and times. This only fixed up looks really good I think I'll get that But I think actually as an alligator Like especially an alligator on a podcast Yeah To me it's like there's dollar signs

Oh 100 Two Jol's in an alligator Yeah Come on Yeah That's a sitcom If this was the 90s Two Jol's in an alligator

It's already like We've lent really heavily on the fact That this is a podcast With three people And two of their names are Joel Yeah People ask How did it Ply Me the Death

I get successful Because the content's questionable Yeah But there's two guys name guy. Same name. Now imagine that but with an allegation. JJ and the Gator.

Whoa. That was like a drive time radio show. It's like a full on morning zoo. Hey, this is the Gator. Ah. Hey. And then I started death roll when you were in the studio. My instinct kicked in.

You'd be tangled up in all the headphones. Yeah. I got a little headphones to my mouth. Could you get it out? Just like real quick. Just like real quick. Yeah. Just like real quick.

Yeah. Get to get the head to the head to the lake. Do you like the beach? They my only options? No, like you Jackson now currently. You're not really one option as an alligator. I like this. I like wetlands. I'm a wetlands man. Yeah, but if I'm like, hey, we're going to the beach, want to come. Yeah. Well, I'll just stay on the sand.

Yeah, you're going to have to remember that. Yeah. You don't like swimming. No, if I'm in a alligator, I assume, saltwater will be. We would clog you all up. But does it kill me? Yeah. Uh, yes. What happens?

It's not like a fish, right? Yes, it does kill you, but not instantly. Well, that's not. Yeah, what happens? Because you don't have the glands, the person's. Yeah, but is the kind of thing where I mean? I can come for a swim with you guys in the beach. And then we have to hose you down.

Yeah. Yeah, I go, oh, hose my glance. You need to hose my glance. Like, I understand. Please, guys, do me a favorite hose my glance. Can I get the glance? Yeah. Like, I understand a fish being like a fresh water fish, salt water fish.

Fair enough, there's salted there. But an alligator gets out of the dead. of water. They breathe. They don't normal style, yeah. It's so funny because I was like, I'm going to look this up. Yeah. Oh, they like the specialized glands. What does that mean?

If I get a gator and I throw it in the ocean, is it dissolved? Is it like a fucking witch? Just you throw it and dissolves God. Or is it like a slug and you'll swell up and start bleeding. Frothing from everywhere. Pose me off! If I just like, I pelted salt

that a gator is it fucked? Who's me off? This is your fault for Brigham you're eating some chippies. You're like, too salty! Are you killing me? You turn on the time, put me in the bar! He starts death rolling on a mchicken.

All I can find, the only extra information about the glands is salt glands. They lack the salt glands required. But I lack a salt gland, and I'm fine in the ocean. Maybe we do have salt glands. Yeah, maybe. Do I?

Would you guys, okay, what about this? Okay, obviously, maybe I can't come to the beach. Yeah, but would you come to like the wetland or the swamp with me for a swim? Does the swamp? Sometimes, yeah. A little bit, I have been to the swamp. Yeah. I think a bit stinky, but also, I mean, my concern about the swamp is like, you're not the only alligator there.

Yeah. I'll chat to the other alligators. I'll tell them not to bother you. Can you speak alligator? I'm learning. Do you have the social capital and the alligator community? I'm figuring it out. I would say I am probably bottom wrong at the moment, but like.

Because like, how's the alligator wife's situation? It continues. The hunt continues. Alligator once alive. Channel 7. Whoa. It's crazy because Australian media would green light that straight away. Yeah, exactly, dude.

Yeah, absolutely hosted by Larry Amda. Yeah. Are you imagining a sort of... Alligator at first side? Is that up legs? Well, I guess I can do like maths and then I come out as an alligator. Love is blind? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Love is blind, but we've turned all the contestants into animals. Oh, that's really good. I'd watch that. I would watch that. I'd really, I would watch that. This lady's so beautiful And this guy's really charming

But she doesn't know That he's been turned into an alligator They don't know they're talking to her though And it's like, yo like would you bite me if we met Yeah Would you consider yourself like prey or like a predator Yeah babe If we like went swimming like would you have the glance

To deal with that Would you froth up in the sea Fresh water? It's also crazy because like I mean I'm sure the show isn't actually like this Or maybe it is but like every time I've seen like a clip from it, it's always like, yeah, I hope you like tits. Yeah.

All hot girls. Yeah. As an alligator, I cannot say that I do. Unfortunately, becoming an alligator's made me attracted to alligators. Would you describe yourself as alligator-like? Yeah. Are they alligator tits? Are they alligator titties?

I don't know if alligators have teeth. Yeah, very funny to me. Do alligators breastfeed? They're not mammals. Yeah. Probably not. They just lay eggs They lay eggs

They're probably one of those species that eat some of the babies Yeah You know Well you've seen those little guys They'd be delicious You could grum a little baby alligator Oh my god

Yes A po-boy Down the Orleans where No well their bones are still soft Like a soft shell crab Oh my god Delicious Yum yum yum yum

I come to you guys And you go How's it I heard you found an alligator Wife and I'm like I ate the kids Honey I ate the kids We're in a rough path I like I ate the kids. They're really delicious.

You should have seen them, though. Oh my gosh. It kind of tastes like, what, like a wet chicken, but crunchy. Because I wouldn't be mad if you'd actually savored them, but you just took two bites and fucking swall of them. That's my mouth, babe. It's big, and they just go in. I don't know.

Just enjoy our children when you eat them next time. They just went in there. It wasn't even intentional. Just one went in and I got a taste. I just went in there, babe. He blamed me for getting a taste for our children. I was there. I was trying to.

to get frogs. Yeah. Yeah. Our kids were basically the size of frogs. I eat frogs. What do you think is going to happen? Yeah. Okay.

I think it's on them. And she goes, my mother said, never date a man who is a man who is in an alligator's party. Okay. It's like the first thing she said to me. But, yeah, a little bit. I can't believe you've taught me with the same brush as all the other men that have been turned into alligator.

Yeah, exactly. We're different. Okay. We're different guys. I can take multitudes. Yeah. Well, before we lose the entire episode to Jackson as an alligator. I went through a couple of options.

I really like the idea of becoming screaming thing, who's just a Muppet that appears for a very brief period of time. The only thing is awesome to be a Muppet, awesome to have the name, screaming thing. Absolutely. Everything I've learned about screaming things suggest that they aren't just screaming the whole time,

but they are very frazzled. But, hey, green thing, screaming, having just a kind of Muppet-esque. Yeah. You think you come with a frog, but no, I'm going to Grinch. Oh! Fuck them, who's. Yeah, right.

I thought he was going to go slimer. Oh, Slimer's life sucks. Yeah, he drives a boss. Yeah, but I bet he stinks like shit. He's your known ghost bus is the green-go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's not fun. Everyone is mad at him all the time.

And he looks like, he looks like, it's the same way that you're like, there's a guy that's like the quote-unquote life of the party. Yeah. And then you meet him is. It's like, this guy's so. He's just shit his pants. He's embarrassed about it. That's why he's acting out of the pot.

Slimer needs therapy. Slimer is an alcoholic. My personality sucks and I'm ugly. I'm gonna lean into being gross. Yeah, I suppose. Well, what's funny about slimer is that in real life, like when he was alive, he wasn't like that, right? He might have been.

No, isn't he like a postal worker or something? And he became a ghost and decided to become disgusting. Was that like... Okay, no, that I would back. If he's just like, well, fucked my life up being a postal officer now. I never did in life. Become gross.

Eight four hot dogs at once. Babe Ruth's style. Postal worker is a good job. Yeah, yeah, driving around all day, walking, delivering. Bit of sun. Looking through people's mail. My local post guy is like he's a local person out.

We all know him. Oh, that's the best. He goes, hey, how you going? Because he's delivering our mail and packages. He knows who we are. And even he'll catch us coming down the street and go, oh, I've got a package for you. Oh, that's nice.

He knows you. He knows. That's good. Does he have one of those cool posty bikes that's like got like a sunroof over the top? Because those are sick. I feel like I see him like on foot. Really? With a trolley.

That's nice. You must have a casual pace. Yeah. I like when they're driving their big like kind of bulky posty bikes. And they're on the footpath and it's like that shouldn't be. Yeah. Like you shouldn't be allowed to do that. But you're posty, I'm more allowed.

You get a pass. Yeah. Deliver the mail. If you were a Grinch. Yeah. Wait, so you're going the Grinch or a Grinch? Do you like Christmas? Do you Joel like Christmas?

Me, Joel, like Christmas? I like, I would say... Me, Joel, like Christmas. Yeah. Me, Joel, like Christmas. Mm, yes. I'm like, I would say Christmas... Happens around you?

No, no. I would say... To yes or no, a question? I'm getting the vibe you're not a Christmas guy. Oh, no, no, sure. I think he's a boxing day, man. Oh, love boxing day. The sales and the cricket?

Yes, dear. Leftovers? Oh, fuck. Yeah, I still. think about, I remember we're talking on the pot a while back about your boxing day sandwiches you sometimes have. Dude, I think about that I'd say once a week. Yeah, dude.

Fuck Christmas. It's all about boxing day. Well, you already got the Grinch idea. I did just say fuck Christmas, but I would say that I'm Christmas slightly skewed positive, but most of being neutral. Yeah, fair enough. I'm not like, I'm not grinch-esque now, and I'm not like, I'm not going to do anything on Christmas, but I just find Christmas. I'm like, yeah, it's cool.

It's a bit of fun. Would you, so when you, when you, become the Grinch, are you going to do anything about Christmas, or are you just going to enjoy being like monster? Are you still going to be the Christmas focus? Yeah. But like as the Grinch, though, because he hate Christmas. You'll hate Christmas.

Yeah. He hate Christmas because It's kind of the same as the alligator question. Is it your brain in the cringes' body? Exactly. Or should you become the Grinch? It's the best green guy to be. Yeah. So if you're being the Grinch, you've got to be the Grinch.

But what I would have You don't have to destroy Christmas, but you need to hate the Who's. I would say that's an okay compromise, okay? Well, I mean, I... And the best way to destroy the head. The Who's love Christmas. Destroy Christmas. So that's a good point. You might as well.

And Cindy Lou Who is, that's Taylor Momson, Little Jay, from Gossip Girl. Whoa. Slash the, she has a rock band as well. The pretty reckless. Pretty reckless. Oh my God. And didn't, wasn't she doing a concert recently? And there was a bat on her, there was a bat on her skirt.

And she was like, she was like rocking out with the bat. And it was like, well, that's cool. And then she sold the bat. And she was like, ah! That's fair enough. That's fair. Half a through a podcast, you looked down there was a bat on you. It was a bat.

Boys, I don't want to alarm you. I have a bat on me. Do you reckon if we were doing a podcast live on stage and a rat, just like a big rat was just there, didn't run at us, just like walked on the front of the stage, just stopped? I was looking at us. I'd give you my mark. I was going to say, get another mic. I give him my mug.

Jackson's like, what now? What do you want? What, right? Live me alone. I gave you your money back already. I'm doing something. I just wanted to ask, what if it was Mr. Beans? Oh my God, you're a fan.

Great question. I'm from the discord. Sorry, after the show. After the show. It is a little rude of you, despite being a rat. That's okay, just take your seat. Did you buy a ticket? I did.

Okay, thank you very much. We're going to put rat prices. Adult concession, rat. Would you charge more or less for a rat? Less. Less, they take up less space. They could watch from the wall. Yeah, exactly.

They can watch from under a chair. Yeah. Well, actually, thinking about rats to, because for a rat to visually see us on stage, they probably need a special chair. Yeah, a rat chair. You're catering to the rats. And also, the discomfort of your... your audience. Like it's a compromise.

Exactly. Because no one else wants the rat there, but the rat has to pay enough to make it worth the human that you will lose. Yeah. But what about if we don't advertise it to the humans? Yeah. It's an all-rat show. No, no.

Well, oh. To advertise you just to our rat fans? I don't know if I know enough relatable rat content. We performed to a wall that she's got a heaps of holes in. It is funny to try and pander to the rats. Like, hey, who he likes cheese? Boom. Oh, fine.

I'm sorry. No, I'm doing. You're like to your rat poison. Woo! Well, that's consuming. You guys know who shouldn't be eating that shit, right? I guess it tastes nice, right? Yeah, they love it.

They love it. So thanks again for coming out of the podcast, Lauren. We did forget to tell you that our audience is mostly just rats that love eating rat poison. Yeah. Well, you can buy rat tickets to all of my shows. I always make sure my shows are accessible to rats. That's great. That's really good.

That's really good. And if human audiences aren't okay with rats being there. Yeah. I don't know why it'd be a fan of me. So I think you should let a rat watch the show. I guess like the Grinch, I would. Rats can go to comedy. If rats can see shows, it's not a big deal.

I've been to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. There's a couple of rats there. I think of you rats who work in a few fucking newspapers. I'm fucking talking. If you rats running the whole festival, actually. Sorry to our rat fans. Sorry to the rat fan. That is disparaging, you know.

If you're a rat. Yeah. It's a rat listener. Yeah. If you're a rat fan. Yeah. And like, you get compared to a guy. Yeah, who is a rat?

Yeah. Is that offensive? Well, yeah, because a guy. Because a guy to a rat is like, it's kind of like if you're like, you're a piece of shit god. Yeah. Yeah. Well, okay, if somebody compared you to say, like, King Gutererach, you know, the kaiju, would you be pleased by that or would you be offended? Is that a famous rat?

He's like a big monster from the Godzilla movies. Okay. Somebody was like, you're like, hey, you know, you're like, you're like, you know, you're like, Godzilla. No, you would have to see Godzilla call... But Godzilla's good. Call Mothra a Jackson. Yeah. Don't be such a Jackson.

That's more concerning. No, because the problem with the rat is like, if you say, if you're saying a guy's rats, because they're a piece of shit, and the rat's like, well, I'm not a piece of shit. I'm just a rat. Yeah. Look to the rat. So if you're a rat and the rat goes, oh, you remind me of this noble rat that we all know. Yeah.

The rat's giving you a compliment. He's not calling you a rat. Yeah. He's saying you're such a rat. Yeah, that's... Positive, non-derogatory. Yeah. If the rat's saying it to you, absolutely.

Yeah. If the rat says you're like a rat to me, I go, wow. Wow. It's beautiful. Thank you so much. It's nice. In what way? Is you like cheese and rat poise?

Perseverian. Oh, you're disgusting. You keep you chew through cables sometimes because you get confused. Yeah. But yeah, I just feel like... You're infected for disease. Depends what the rat society thinks about humans. Yeah.

We as a human society are like if someone's rat, they're a bit shift. bit of scumbag, right? Whereas, like, I don't know, what do rats think of humans? I don't think rats like it's particular. Well, because they keep food, I guess. That's true. But they also keep, you keep killing us. So I'm like, you're a real son of a bitch.

You keep killing us. Rats can get so big and that's crazy. Yeah, rats can get way too big. I saw a rat once it was the size of a cat, and it kind of fucked me up for a bit. Yeah. I thought that wasn't a bandicoot? Yeah.

Unfortunately, it was a rat. Yeah. Its tail was as thick as like an electrical cord. I think I could get used. If I saw a rat like that quickly, then I would be scared, but I could get used to it. It was like, it was black and under our chair, and I just saw it's horrible. Couldn't handle that. But if somebody was like, this is my pet cat, psych, it's a rat.

Yeah. And I would be like, oh, okay, nice. No, no, no, no, rat. No, I was tricking you. At a glance, it is more frightening. But if you had to spend time with it, then it would actually maybe be less scary than a small rat, because you know where it is. Exactly.

It's not going to get me. It's not hiding somewhere. A small rat might climb up my pants and chew my nuts on it. Went to like a farm thing, like a farm whatever recently, like a big barn or whatever, where they had the guinea pig, etc. Yeah. But like because it's like, you know,

I give guinea pigs farms. They just, the rats are everywhere, right? And it's up in the rafters, if you just, you could see something scurry. And if you looked real quick, you could never see the rats, but you could see their gross thick tail. Oh yeah, that's gross.

That's horrible, dude. Because again, you never really saw how big they were. Yeah. But their tail was thick. I do really like when you see, because I've seen a similar thing at like a padding When you went to one of your famous rat petting zoos? Yeah.

So many rats. Guys, it's me, your friend, Jackson. Come to the rat petting zoo with me. Yes, the best. Guys, come on. It's so good. They come to you. And yeah, they bite a little bit.

You get to touch the rats. Yeah, you get to touch the rats. To touch the rat, deep. To rub your thumb against the tooth of a rat? tooth of a rat? Yeah, dude. They'll eat the rack blizzard right out of your head.

The Grinch is kind of rat-like. Yeah, he is right. That's true. In feature. Well, I tried to look into why he hates Christmas. And originally it's just, well, besides two sizes too small.

You can get behind that. Is that good for a heart? He survives. They're just like, why are you such a prick? And he's like, I'm just built, fucked up style. And it's made me hateful. Yeah.

I'm biologically hateful, yeah. But then in our further adaptations, it's usually, I hate Christmas because the who's were rude to me. Yeah, I believe in the Jim Carrey movie, at primary school, they're like, this fucking, look at his hairy piece of shit. You're like 10, and you got a beard, and then he gets really embarrassed, and he shaves himself poorly. And they go, you fucking idiot. And then he climbs up to Mount whatever's called Crumpet. Well, then that's justified. I think when you, if you're creating a story for the children, then it's like, don't be mean to people.

That's the message. But if the Grinchers just hates Christmas and everyone because he was born with a small heart, then that's actually able to. Yeah, absolutely. It's outside, never makes fun of something that's outside someone's control. Exactly. Very funny, but don't bully someone because they're different because they may end up stealing Christmas. They may.

It's a real risk. It's a risk we have. And we love Christmas. We do. As children, we love it. Exactly. Well, I mean, like, do you think I could pull this off? Short-tempered, selfish, like, crime.

manipulative, cold, grumpy, hateful, uncaring, heartless, aggressive, vengeful, vicious, evilful, cynical, unpleasant. You'd slip into that, like Jackson slipping into an alligator. Yeah. Who hating, wicked shower, depressed, sadistic, mean, rude, bitter, grim, sociopathic, wrathful. And I guess, is it good to be him? Because that's the question. It's the best to be. Yeah.

Well, I feel like that, like, hey. Is he having a good time? He, okay. So imagine it's just one Grinch and I've just become here. Okay, I'm there. All the stuff I just listed? Yeah. That guy doesn't exist anymore.

Okay, yeah, yeah. It's me now. Okay. I could thrive so hard because of the heel turn that I would be doing. Well, face turn, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where I go, I just, like, walk down to the Hoos and I go, hey. Ah, it's a Grinch!

Oh, yeah, they probably throw pies or something at me. Get the Who guns. You would forgive them? You would seek forgiveness? I'd be like, hey. I'm sorry. to wreck Christmas. I'm actually Christmas neutral. Wait, so this takes place in a point

after the Grinch's wrecked Christmas. But before he's learned a lesson. And I guess what you're doing, though, you've just become like the face of the... He basically skinned the Grinch and wearing his face because this is no longer the green guy to be. Yeah. Well, I am the green guy.

It's like when I was an alligator with a man's brain. I think that's fine. I'm the Grinch. But I love that you're like, it's good to be the Grinch because I can then be a who? Who is the people? Yeah. It's good to be a Grinch because I get to, like, not be the Grinch. Yeah.

But then I go, hey, sorry, I was sick. I fixed my heart. Oh, okay. And then they love me. Okay. Well, they're, I think they're wary of you. To have a whole town that loves me? I don't know where he's, I don't, there's, that happens at the end of the Grinch.

Yeah, because the Grinch brings their presence back. Are you going to possess the Grinch after all this? Because you don't do shit. You've added a step for no reason. Yeah, I guess, like, I just persist a cringe afterwards and I go, damn, they love me. Yeah. I've loved by the news. I'm glad I'm the good Grinch.

Hey, you used to hate Christmas, but you don't anymore. Exactly. Yeah, that's true. So, yeah, you're right. I am adding a semifference. I'm not. I just become the good Grinch. Yeah.

Because the question was, who's the best to be? You've chosen a hated character. Yeah. But imagined a world in which he was loved. Yeah, which happens in his own story. Yeah. I guess. So the Grinch at the end of the grin.

Yeah. You're cutting the Who Beast or whatever it is? The Who Feast? Like all of those personality traits I read before, that is under formally. Yeah, exactly. Do I reckon I can pull these off? These are the currently ones. I feel like I better trip over the second one.

Loyal. Sure, yeah. Athletic. Okay, well, you're going to throw one and cat, yeah, okay. You jump over fences, okay. I have hand-eye coordination and the mind of someone that doesn't have a 35-year-old's buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remorseful?

No. No. Selfless? No. Cousy, cosy. It's debatable. Cunning? I don't know why this is still.

Cunning. Emotional. Nice. Helpful. Friendly? Kind is listed again for some reason. Just to really emphasize that. Gracious?

No. Happy? Well, I don't know about it. Good. I mean, apparently I would stop there. Wholehearted? Well, I'd be, I'd pull out. Pull it. It's not going to go better.

Loving. Well, I mean, these ones aren't good. Slightly clumsy, socially awkward. Yeah, okay. You know them. You can be slightly clumsy. Slightly. I'm more hurt by you saying that I'm socially awkward

than saying that I'm cunning or grumpy or hateful. How about you, Lauren? What green guy is the best to be? be. I, look, I wanted to give an honorable mention to imagine being Hank and John Green. Oh, yeah. That would be pretty nice.

Post one TikTok. Yeah. And then every, like, six months you posted TikTok and then you spent two months trying to walk back that TikTok. That's supposed to be their life now. Yeah. And they go, actually, actually, they look at Green Brothers, I know one of you us had a health scare,

but fuck you. He had cancer. Yeah. Yeah. What's about a scare? Yeah. Well, he's not currently dying. I mean, I'm afraid. I think it counts as a health scare

provided that you don't die. Like, you went into remission. I don't know if that's true. I was sick that's right. Well, he had cancer but some remission. It was just a bit of a scare. It's a little health scare. Would you say that your testicular cancer

with a scare? No, I would say it was a complete medical problem. Okay. So that's fair. That's fair. So the Green Brothers had a medical problem. A complete medical problem. Yeah, thankfully.

Start to Finn. But I will also... So Hank's going through cancer and John's getting yelled out by the internet. He wrote a ball. Is he the one that wrote the books with the... The fault in our stars and stuff? A cigarette. A cigarette is actually...

An unlit cigarette is actually the biggest. I'm so happy Augusta's died. I hated that kid. He hated that vibe. He sucks. I wanted to throw a vote for the sexy green M&M though. Oh. Good choice.

The sexiest of the Eminem. What if Jennifer Coolidge was green? Good choice. Yes. Because I feel like she's got all the other M&Ms under her thumb. Absolutely. Wrapped around her finger. 100% dude.

And she wears boots. Yeah. They did change her boots recently when they de-sexied her. Yeah. Yeah. Is that, did they make her less sexy? Well, they changed her. She used to have like full, cunty boots.

Like, you know, they were like white, like maybe knee-high. Yeah. High white boots. But now I believe they're sneak. They put her in some sneakers, yeah. Does she still have human legs? Human legs? Did she ever have human legs and human lips?

Because there's what? There's the red M&M, which is regular. Yeah, what are the red is like, I'm a normal guy. He's like, hey, I'm a, he's kind of a wise guy. I'm the main guy. I'm the main Eminem and him. And then yellow, is yellow and I'm like a bitch, a bit like, ooh. I think he's the dupish of yours.

He's the peanut. Yeah, he's peanut. He's a peanut. Yeah, he's a peanut. He's like, peanut Eminem kind of just like. No, he's like, what, Fred? What do we do with the do? He's a bit of the dof.

Then there's orange Aminam who's crunchy and he's like, they're going to fucking kill me. He's like, he's going to get him out there like skin. I don't know much about that guy. What if we eat the crunchy Eminem? That's his fucking life. Because they're yummy. Exactly. They're probably the best one.

It's hard to say, but they're all pretty good. I do like crunchy. I like peanut Eminem. Good Aminam. That's good. I know someone who did like a crazy hike. That's like the hike that you do for a year. Oh, yeah.

Like from Mexico to Canada. Yeah. And I was like, what did you eat? And she's like, you're really just trying to get as many calories as possible. So peanut Eminem. Oh, that's, you would get so sick of peanut Eminem. My favorite treat. But you ate to calorie max.

Yeah, fun. To calorie max? That's awesome. It's a max anything? Yeah. Max out. What are they? Because the green Eminem has a wife.

I would love the Max maxing. What? The green Eminem is the green Eminem's wife. You know that the sexy green Eminem is a queer woman. Yeah. And I've got a shot. She's, yeah, dude, you have. Yes.

She just, I don't think she could get a sexy, huh? But here we are. I believe there were a bunch of ads that sort of implied they had like a little something going. And then... So the brown Eminem is also a woman? Yes. She has glasses. And so she's not a sexy one?

No. I mean, it depends on what you like. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. They do have human arms and legs. Wow.

Something about that slightly disgusting. I have to admit. Eminem's with human arms and legs. I did not know this. I didn't know enough about the Eminem universe to bring this to the floor. I'm sorry. We're all learning and also, well, probably the best green guy to be. Yeah, exactly.

Got a beautiful wife. You're beautiful. What do we think about this? Chocolate. Oh, so this is, she's taking the Eminem skin off. Oh, no. But it's that them when they undress and they just. Yeah, is it the clothes or the skin?

I hope it's the clothes. I hope. But then the implication there is that the brown Eminem is just naked. all the time? No, because they've got chocolate on the outside. Oh, you know. Okay, so the green Eminem's beautiful wife is wearing clothes that are like her naked body. Yeah. That's really cool. You're basically going to, yeah.

Like shapewear. It's kind of like Kim Kardashian skim. Yes, yeah. True, very true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You basically learn. Yeah. And there's also a blue Eminem who I think is a boy, but I don't know what he's flavors. Coconut maybe. Yeah. I don't know.

They're really good. I'm trying to get up to the M&M's. I don't know about that. This is the older new green Eminem side by side. Yeah. They racked her shit, dude. They're way less sexy. Yeah, but I can't describe what they changed to make her less sexy.

Is it a facial expression? Boots. They got rid of her boots in human skin. And her gait. It's her gait. Her knees are bowed out now. Not inwards. Yeah.

And that's... She used to have, like, she's got that sassy little hand on her hip. They've given her cancels. Yeah, they have. They fucked up the green. So you want to be green amem, I'm assuming. Pre-de-sexification. Yeah.

I want to be the sexualized. green emm you'd be so happy oh my god best in the best come off strutting around you yeah

I mean I wouldn't search yourself on any internet thing yeah no I already don't like that maybe you'd like that

maybe I'd like that yeah exactly because again you're the green amannes would you do anything with your green am and um life like would you change

anything about like you know do you reckon you'd hang out with the other M&M's or would you just like go to Hollywood I think I would hang out with the other Eminem's because like they're all quite devoted to me.

Yeah. And I'd have my Eminem wife obviously as well. But actually I mean what would be hard to reckon with is like the impulse of cannibalism. Yes, I was thinking that too. Just because you'd be like every time you lick your lips, you're tasting like the candy shell. Yum. Oh, what if? But your beautiful wife.

And then you're going to eat your wife. Oh no. My delicious little wife. You get a little too excited. All of a sudden your neck deep. I killed my wife. No, and Eminem's don't have a neck. Brad and yellow come in, they go, oh, green.

Oh, my God. You got to help me. You got to help me hide the potty. You got to help me hide the shell. Yeah, let's put her in some warm milk and she'll do it all. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Maybe you can just finish eating her? Yeah, I guess we could all just join in.

Eat my beautiful wife. Eat your beautiful wife. But then you're like, well, I hear that there's more calories in a peanut. Yeah, exactly. And you go, well, no loose ends. What happens in this room, stays in this room. You notice how Eminemps. When you get a packet of amnabes, it's only green now?

But that makes it even sexy. It's just like Jennifer's body. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Hey, another thing that used to, I mean, I'm pretty sure debunked, but people used to be like, green Eminemes are an aphrodisi. Yeah, that's right. It's surely debunk. Surely now it is.

Yeah, exactly. Are any foods that they say are aphrodisiacs Actually like oysters and stuff they say as well I'm about to say clams God I can't wait to After eating all these clams Hun Rail you so hard

I am full of nothing but clams I don't think the clams are working Babe I had a pound of clams You're gonna see me crack I'll shuck a clam in front of you Doing anything for you This could be a crazy claim But no food makes me horny

Yeah Well, no, it's not meant to titillate you. It's meant to have, like, a chemical effect. Because I like, with oysters, it's like zinc or something. Yeah. It's meant to increase sumbles. Yeah, exactly. I've never, again, never noticed.

Once again. How many oysters have you eaten in one go? There's probably a sweet spot. Yeah, we've got to be. Yeah. You have 50 oysters. You're not going to be horny. Yeah.

I reckon I'm going to be disgusting. You're going to be quite sick. You eat a pound of any food. You're going to feel like lame. I had a pound of oysters. I hope you're ready for a good. Good time. Some of them were, they were out for a while.

They were out. Because it takes you a while. Put your mouth here. But ready for that lovemaking we were talking about. Before I ate that pound of oysters, were you impressed? Sweatiness during sex is sexy even if it happens before the sex, right? When the sweat kind of smells a little bit like oyster.

Seafood breath, that's good. Salty, salty sex. This is good. Or the caviar I ate pre-boats. usually staining my mouth and hands. You gotta be on top, babe, because I don't know if I'm too much jiggle. Don't do not put your hands on my belly.

I'm full of oysters for you, don't forget. Full of oysters. I'm keeping them inside of me until I finish. Maybe I should lay down for a bit. It's also funny for all of that and then to come after three pumps. The oysters were. And then throw up. Yeah.

Boom. What a magical evening. Was that good for you? That was good for me, babe. Surely the worst-throw you could possibly do. Caviar and oysters. Jesus Christ. My beautiful brown M&M?

My darling. Are you still there? Is this so good? Does that good for everyone? I think all of us have made beautiful. Absolutely. But I think green M&M was by father superior choice. Yeah.

Green Amid M and M then I would say alligator underneath. Yeah. Yeah, that's bad. That's the number two option. And then Grinch Bad, three, Grinch, good, five. Yeah. I mean, actually, probably being a bunch of trucks. The trucks is good.

Yeah, yeah. Imagine being, and you're also so evil. Yeah. Just saying. That would be pretty sick. Well, we're speaking of good choices. If you live in Melbourne, I hear there's one really, really, really good choice you can make. I've heard that too.

What's that? There is. That would be, to check out the show, nobody can stop me from doing this. It's part of the Melbourne. International Comedy Festival. I believe it's starting on April 7. Yeah. And it's being performed by, hang on, just Lauren Bona. What the heck? How that? I will be in character as the sexy green Eminem. Nice. Tickets sales just went through the room. As long as you buy them, just come. You can leave as soon as you see that I'm not a sexy Eminem. I don't care. It's like a, oh, a lot of people leaving

their seats. Like, hey, Lauren, there's a lot of strange men storming out of your show and I'm like, oh, that happens. That'll be the plum in the dust star fans. That would actually probably be good for PR, I reckon. It would be great for PR. Honestly, anything happening would be great for PR. Come and threaten me or something. I've always thought that.

I've always thought that. It's like going to happen someday. But, you know, gets get a news article happening. You want something bad to happen. No, no. May I prefer something, bring me a single red rose. Oh, now that's good. Oh, yeah, be weird, but like then also when you can be like,

this is fake, but to everyone else, this is real. I'm throwing my life away. I'm in on the, I'm the weird guy. So you can get some news articles. You just got to have like a thing that happens. Like, in the foo fighters, everyone throws Mentos at them because of that, you know, it gets people excited so maybe everyone will throw green M&Ms at me. Perfect.

If we get like something to get people interested, it's really hard to get people to come out into the real world to see a show. And maybe you can say that like if people want to eat the green Eminems that are thrown to stage afterwards. They'll be thrown around and everyone can eat them. That's the benefit of coming to a live show in Melbourne from the 7th of April. Tickets are like $26. And all the M&Ms people can throw up here. You'll make it back in M&M. Eminem stocks good.

Yeah. Eminem's like $7 a bag now. That's so expensive. That bums me out to learn. This delicious coconut Eminemes I've never heard of these coconut amenities. They're good. Price of lemonade. Al-a-M-N-A-M is also really good.

Dude, you're making up M&M's now. Did you try the cookie dough M&M? They were bad. Yeah, they weren't good. It was a cookie-d-o-M-A-M-A? Yeah. So, running from the 7th of April to the 19th of April, every night except Mondays? Yeah.

At 8.50 p.m. at Cooper's Inn. Yeah, Cooper's in. Check it out. I'm Lauren Bonner. You can just Google, like, Lauren Bonner, Melbourne, comedy. You know what else you can do? You're listening to this podcast. Yeah. You just look at the phone. You go, whoa, I wonder what the episode. description says, oh, there's a link, a direct link to Lauren's show.

I'm clicking them and I'm buying tickets. Yeah. Buy tickets and like if you want to do a little funny inside joke that doesn't wreck anyone's show, just buy a ticket. You see Lauren normal style, but eat M&Ms during. Yeah, good idea. You can eat M&M and then you can look around the room. See who else is eating M&Ms?

And you go plumbing the death story. You get a hold of M&M's like a cheese? It's actually also, it'll be good to know. So do come and eat M&Ms because then And if that happens and I notice like all everyone's always eating M&Ms, then I'll be like, hey guys, thanks so much having me on the pod. What a great conversion, right? Yeah.

This is like, it's tracking. That's a really good point. It's data tracking. Some people use coupon codes. We use M&M's. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, please, listeners, if you're in Melbourne and you're looking for a show and you don't already have a ticket to Lauren's show, buy a ticket to Lauren's show.

Buy a ticket for God's sakes, come on. Just come. What if you just went? What else are you doing with your fucking wife? What else are you doing? At 8.50 p.m. Fucking, just what? Exactly.

Nothing. Nothing good. I haven't seen this show, but the law show I saw, I went with Nick Mason from the weekly planet. I know that guy. Yeah, he was there. Me and Nick Mason watched Lauren's show. He goes there. This is a good and funny show.

Exactly, dude. That's what I endeavour to do. And I will also, like, see anything at the comedy festival. Because the thing about comedy shows, they're like 50 minutes long. That's like, you go to a movie these days. Three hours. You're like, are you kidding? Yeah.

Comedy show? It's like 50 minutes. If you don't like it, it's over before you know. Exactly. And you're in the city. There's all the stuff you can do. Exactly. Jump in the Yarra.

There's a crispy cream donuts. Yeah. Get a lot of donuts. I'd be like, I shouldn't have bought this because I just ate heaps of Eminem's watching Lauren's show and now I feel kind of sushi. You do. Eminem's hit sushi hub. Ask if they have any oysters.

Oh. Eat a pound of oysters. Go home to your beautiful wife or husband is here. I've had a crazy thing. I am really horny and really sick. Oh. all by green MMs. 50 oysters.

Come here. Imagine if it worked. It was the perfect mix. 50 oysters is an immediate interaction. It could be. Could be. We'll never know. And on that note,

I've been Jill. I've been Jackson. I've been Joe. I've been Lauren. Do I say that? Yeah, you said that. You've nailed this. You've been Lauren Bonner

and people should go to a comedy festival show. And just, you know. Exactly. Hey, give Lauren to follow on Instagram. Exactly. And if you want, hey, you can follow us on Instagram as well. That's true. At PlumbingPod, you can see the Reels exclusive Riff Holmock, and it was a good one.

You can also support us by signing up to the Bad Brain Boys at sanspacredio.com for a bunch of bonus content. Access to the Discord, discounts on live show tickets, a bunch of really good stuff and you'll be helping us out, and God, we need it. Yes, we do. Goodbye!