Plumbing the Death Star - Which Halloween Monster Doesn't Have a Dog But Should? (Ft. Cass Paige)

Episode Date: October 20, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hello everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which Halloween monster doesn't have a dog, but should? I like that this is just like a format we have. We clearly believe that not enough fictional beings possess a hound. I agree. It's true. We all have the conclusion.

So I'm going to put forward Dracula. Okay. Vlad himself. Yes. Oh, oh. Yes. Oh, what kind of dog would Dracula have? Is there a specific answer here?

Do you? I didn't know, but can I have a positive guess? Is it a bloodhound? No! Yes. I hate that I was caught in the middle. Oh, that's so cute. have droopy ears and fangs You wouldn't even be able to see the fangs Until the dog was biting you

And then you'd be like oh my god Which is very useful I get it, no Dracula This makes a lot of sense It's a lot of maintenance for this kind of dog This is a good bit Oh and it's because he bit me I'm really sick.

I'm woozy from all this blood. There's a lot of blood, dude, but can I just say hilarious. Because Dracula, as much as we give Dracula a lot of shit, he is at the end of the day a very lonely individual. It's why he has so many brides of Dracula, because he's always just

trying to connect with someone, and he doesn't know how to do it. He only has how to literally connect with someone. Dracula's relationship with his brides is so weird. Like he doesn't hang out with them. He doesn't know. I think he just doesn't quite understand what relationships are. His idea of like being in a relationship is acquiring them.

Like they're some kind of collectible. Because in the book from memory, the main guy, let's call him Van Helsing, he wakes up in bed to the brides, but he never sees them. It's like they don't know, like they're the brides of Dracula, but they're not really, like there was never a wedding. Is it Harkness? Is that the one who keeps biting? Good question.

I want to say Agatha Harkness, but is that right? Can I name my firstborn child Agatha Harkness? Oh, yeah. Yes, you can. Agatha Harkness, but is that right? Can I name my firstborn child Agatha Harkness? Oh, yeah. Yes, you can. Agatha Harkness. Actually, no. I think I'll get a dog. So you're saying for companionship.

Yeah, because he doesn't quite understand really what he's after. And I think Dracula's trying to fill that void in his heart because he's undead, so he doesn't have those kind of connections. So he's like, oh, I need human connections. So he keeps making brides of Draculas or like other people. He's like, whatever, I'll suck your blood. But with a dog, it's like, oh, all I was after was companionship. Is he after companionship?

Because he doesn't hang out with the brides. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he doesn't know what he wants. And then when the brides are like, hey, I have wants and needs too, he's like, ah, I don't want to do this. I fear intimacy. No.

I simply said yes, and then I didn't want to do anything with the relationship. That is a great irony. I understand for an immortal man to fear commitment. I really cannot do that accent. Here I am. I'm so sorry. Very fearful of commitment. Any bad Dracula becomes Italian eventually.

That's just life. That's Dracula. Yeah. Classic Dracula. And the thing about Dracula, the difference is because a lot of dishes that Dracula maybe have loved in his past life had a lot of garlic in it. Oh, his past life.

And now we kind of eat him. Is that the fear with Dracula and a dog that it'll just eat the dog? Yeah, it'll eat the dog. The fear of the Dracula dog is that now it has a thirst for human blood and none of that morality that even

a Dracula might have. It's funny to think that dogs are amoral. They are. They just are. A dog doesn't know right from wrong. A dog doesn't know right from wrong. A dog just knows hungry. So unless Dracula really trains that dog,

when, say, Dracadog is hungry. And he can't commit to anything. Exactly. And that's the thing. Dracula, like how he's collecting brides, he might be like, I just want a dog. Kind of like when you're in a funeral relationship and you're like,

we should break up, and I don't think we want a baby, but let's get a dog instead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that could have been, this is Dracula's next step, where he's like, and then gets a dog.

Was that meant to be relatable? Hmm, cats! So let's, maybe Dracula, hmm, tune into Why Am I Sad? Hmm! So maybe Dracula, maybe Dracula, tune in to Why Am I Sad. So maybe Dracula gets a dog and maybe like a month later he's like, well, they're not walking them and this is the agreement we had.

And now I am stuck with this dog. So maybe this Drakka dog, if it's not that well trained, it's going to be like, well, it's hungry. The dog is going to be like, woof, woof. And then it can turn into a mist. Oh, that's true. A bat. I forgot Dracula rules.

Well, hang on. Dracula rules. Yeah, Dracula does fucking rule. So with Dracula, because he can turn into a mist and smaller animals like a wolf and spiders and whatever. If a dog is a Dracula, does it also turn into a wolf and say bats and things? Or does it have to get a smaller version? Because you know how Dracula, man, big.

Dog, small. I know. I imagine that... Because a dog turning into a wolf is confusing. Yeah, I know. It's going off. It would really hurt the dog. Maybe that's how Dracula dog dies.

He turns into a wolf and gets ripped apart from the inside out. What I keep thinking, though, is like a dog, like we said, a dog acts on instinct. So if a dog can become, say, bats, and the dog gets scared by like a passing car, then just bats are gone. And the dog doesn't have like the wherewithal to know that it needs to coalesce as bats

to become a dog again. There are two kinds of dogs. There is a coward dog or brave dog when there is thunder. So a coward dog is going to be like, oh no. You got two kinds of dogs. Coward dog, brave dog. End of sentence.

Done. But yes, when it comes to thunder. So you have the coward dog who shits itself and tries to hide in a cupboard so that i can imagine them becoming a swarm of say rats and just fleeing under and like oh no my dog is in the the crawl space and smack him but i come out and all you hear is like whimpering of rats or you get a brave dog who wants to fight the thunder yes we'll turn into say bats and start flying at where he thinks big sound is. Oh, no.

What happens if you lose a bat? Yeah, I don't know. We've discussed this. If you lose a bat, you just come out a little bit shorter. Yeah, a little bit shorter. Wait, shorter? Yeah, shorter. Well, we're weak, Cass.

We've become shorter. So it's really hard code switching like this. So unmingle. But yes, you come out shorter because you've lost a bit of your mass. Wouldn't you just come out missing a chunk? Well, that was another theory that you come out in a bat-shaped hole. But the bat's like a puzzle pieces. Yeah.

Well, if you get all the bats and put them together, they don't make a Dracula. Yeah. A Dracula. Why can nobody talk to that? It's not like you can get the bats and, like, connect them at the legs and the head to make the form of a man. Well, I mean, you could if you were good at that kind of thing.

It's like the bats are all bits of Play-Doh or modeling clay, if you're rich. And you split it off and you make little bats, but this happens very fast because of the curse or magic. And then when you get all the bats together, it's like, oh, all my clay is here. Oh, I get it. No, shorter.

Yep, no. See, that's what it is. Exactly. Yep. So, again, and with a Dracula, at least he knows to, like, come back together and, say, go in before sunlight. Oh, I forget about that. Dogs like lying in the sun.

Not as much as cats, to be fair. Not as much as cats. But they do. And your dogs are fine. Again, you're just killing a dog slowly. Because I imagine Dracula would have loved lying in his coffin and then just Dracapooch coming in, crawling up, curling on his feet and having a snooze.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be great. Is Dracula cold to the touch? I know Edward Cullen is. Okay. Wait. I would say after feeding, warm. Yeah.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Oh, resting on his blood-filled belly. Yeah. Wait, where does his blood go? In the belly? Yeah, it's in his teeth. Well, no, because, yeah.

Okay, so we have mouth. Well, no, because, yeah, it goes through. Okay, so we have mouth. Yes, we do. And we eat things down esophagus into stomach, in belly, in tummy. I wish we got warm tummies for me. That would be nice. That would be great. But with Dracula, it's fangs, and I always imagine they're like little straws. Yeah, me too.

He has to suck. Where'd it go? Because he's not like, or is he sucking it into his throat? Where's the blood going in a Dracula? It depends on the kind of Dracula, I guess. Because if it's going in teeth, then it's going in gums and up to sinus. Well, yeah, but I'm assuming because he's changing when he become a Dracula. He's changing his whole like physiological body.

So where would it go? Is there like a blood sac where he keeps his life essence? Maybe it goes directly into the veins and he needs to feed on them because otherwise he doesn't have blood and he can't live. So he needs it to live, but more than food. But we need food to live and we don't plug that in our veins. No, different, different though. When we get hungry, we don't start to desiccate.

Dracula gets really dry if he doesn't have blood. That's true. He's so dry. No, see, what I'm concerned about now is where does the blood go? How does he run out? Oh, that's a good question. Well, his body absorbs it, what I'm concerned about now is where does the blood go? How does it run out? Oh, that's a good question. Well, his body absorbs it, right? How?

Well, your body absorbs stuff. No, it doesn't. Yeah. It does not absorb blood. How do you make blood? Blood is plasma. Yes. Hmm.

So you've got your cells and it gets... Oh, unless... Hang on. So I learnt about how... Okay, please. Yes, enlighten us. Okay. So... Blood expert. This Okay, please. Yes, enlighten us. Okay. So.

Blood expert. Kiss is old blood. Sure. Good. Look. Cool. Great beginning. It's if you pick the bad bits out of blood and put them in the bin.

Your kidneys are the bin. What? No, your kidneys are the dude picking them out. Yes. And piss is the bin. Okay, but where's blood fit? What? Piss is bad blood. Or not. So. Pass bin. Okay, but where's blood fit? Piss is bad blood

or not. Your blood from the world of your body goes through the kidneys. The kidneys are like a glorious sponge and it filters out the blood. So you make sure you have nice clean blood. And if you drink a lot

of water... Oh, blood's like cordial. Is piss still on the table? Yes. Okay, good. Okay, so if you drink a lot of water, that's good, and it helps clean your blood. But blood itself, it's all the bits of blood, like the cells and plasma and stuff, and it's cordial.

So if you drink lots of water, you still have the same amount of blood, but it's more because of the water. Okay, like cordial. Like cordial. Like cordial. You're diluting it. Yeah. Osmosis. When something.

You're the permeable membrane. Permeable membrane. High salt concentrate, low salt concentrate goes through. Yeah. And then it goes. So then blood is filtered through your kidneys and the kidneys are like, what don't we need in this blood to make it clean? And that's why if you've got too much, like if you're well hydrated,

it's like, oh, we've got water to spare. Piss like a pane of glass. And then you. Hang on. What? Like clear. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then. I've never heard that expression. I've heard like a racehorse. Yeah, yeah. Well, one's for clarity and one's for volume. Force or volume? Force, I always imagine. Force, yeah. Force and clarity. I always imagine it for volume. Force or volume? Force, I always imagine. Force and clarity.

I always imagine it as volume. No, I always imagine it's like a racehorse will piss with power. No, we should do one for volume. Who pisses the most? So piss like a vataglass, piss like a racehorse. Piss like an elephant probably is a lot of piss. I think I'm like some kind of

aquatic animal. Piss like a fish. Like a lot of piss I think I'm like some kind of aquatic animal Piss like a fish Like a whale Piss like a whale I can't imagine it I mean it would be quite forceful Because a whale urethra would be pretty big It'd come out

Would that mean I don't think a lot of force because you're underwater Yeah it just would dribble out But there'd be a lot of it because it's a whale Whale Piss like a whale Alright good That's for volume if you need it

I'm glad we've arrived here. But yeah, all the other waste from your blood becomes urine. But where does the blood come from? That was the question. The veins. But maybe when Dracula gets the blood

and it filters through his kidneys all of the kidneys are like, this isn't our blood. I think it all goes in the bin. Yeah. And then he needs more blood. So Dracula pierces blood. So he pierces a lot of blood. Oh, no.

I hate what I've done. Because else, or does he have to get rid of it other ways? So in other ways that the human gets rid of. Shit's blood. So shit's sweat. Spit. How has nobody made this terrifying version of Dracula? Vomit.

Imagine like a horror movie. Cum. Yeah, jizz and cum. That's a given. Is that a waste? I gotta get rid of all this cum in here. I'm full to the fucking brim. Imagine a horror movie where it's like something's up about this strange Eastern European gentleman

whose castle I've moved into and all these people are disappearing and then one day you're out for a run with Dracula and he's sweating, he's got bloody underarms. Oh, this makes me feel bad. Anyway, the movie, The Halloween Monster. So Dracula dog bad. It's made us imagine bad things. It's time to stop.

So I think on a scale, maybe not great, because I think the dog will die. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there are a lot of weaknesses of a Dracula. Dracula's a weak as shit, dude. Dogs love garlic. Dogs love steaks. Dogs love sunlight.

They adore it. And they fucking are always so Catholic. They love the Catholic God. Every dog goes to heaven. It's canonical. Exactly. And it's the Catholic heaven. No other heaven. The Catholic heaven.

So, you know, a dog will see a cross and run for it and then burn its face. Absolutely. Not good. The idea of a dog picking up a steak to play fetch with and its mouth burning and the dog just gripping on being like, lost happening, someone's trying to take my steak. Drop it. Drop it.

Oh, no. Imagine Van Helsing being like, I need to kill this Dracula. I don't have a steak. And then how comes Dracula dog running there, big steak in its mouth, big grin and like, oh. Oh, okay. good doggy. Feeding a dog garlic under the table and killing it is intense. Although I think a regular dog dies if it eats garlic.

No, they just get farty. Onion, that's what I was thinking of. Onion's bad for dogs. They just get farty. It's not good for dog. Look, it's not like don't feed a dog onion every day. In fact, just don't feed your dog onion. Don't feed a dog onion every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, just don't feed your dog onion.

But if it has a little... Like, if you're having a snag and there happens to be an onion in that and the dog accidentally eats it... Don't call the vet. Don't call... Whatever. It's fine. It's just going to be farty.

Yeah. Which is not good. Can I put forward, as a Halloween monster, Bloody Mary. All right. You go in the shower. Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. I would like a Bloody Mary. A waiter?

A waiter. I would like a Bloody Mary while I enjoy this bath. It's good to imagine that if you say Bloody Mary, so you say it three times, Bloody Mary appears in the mirror, but you say it another three times and she goes, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. She's like, ah, and you're like, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. She's like, no.

Forward, backward. But she needs a dog so that it'd be less scary if you were playing Bloody Mary. She's like, ah, and you're like, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. She's like, no. Forward, backward. But she needs a dog so that it'd be less scary if you were playing Bloody Mary. Because if I'm in the mirror playing Bloody Mary now, spooked, if she appears. If she appears and there's like a little dog next to her, I'm like, oh, that's not so bad. No. No. Oh, my God. No.

That dog is going to be friends with Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary is not in our realm 99% of the time. That's true. That dog is going to be trained by- So is that dog not in that realm or is that dog in our realm and just neglected? The dog's in Bloody Mary is not in our realm 99% of the time. That's true. So is that dog not in that realm, or is that dog in our realm and just neglected? The dog's in Bloody Mary realm. It's in the mirror realm, yeah. The dog lives in the mirror realm,

only hanging out with Bloody Mary and mean children who want to scare their friends. The dog is not a kind dog. The dog, well, it'll get time. I guess exercise is bad for that dog. It's not getting much time out of the mirror realm. Oh, the tubby boy. Chonk.

You'll be chonky with child meat. So what is a... For those who don't know what a Bloody Mary is, me. So you say Bloody Mary in a mirror. She appears and gets you. Gets you. Oh, she kills you through the mirror? I think so.

That's my belief. She appears in the mirror. She steps out of the mirror realm and stabs you or gets you. think the idea is bloody mary i have a question yes why would you ever play it if there's no benefits of acquiring a bloody mary in your house oh you're a child and you don't know about them yet yeah you've seen the film candy man but you know that's fiction so you've looked up the real version bloody mary okay yeah Okay. Yeah. Have any of you ever played Bloody Mary? No. I'm afraid to.

I never did as a kid. Yeah. Maybe we should after this episode. Is it any mirror or a reflection of anything? It's any mirror. So like, but like say your glasses. No, they're too smudged. Say this laptop.

Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. This laptop in front of me that I have. Could I say Bloody Mary and she will appear? I think so. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary Is it three times or four?

It's three, it's three It's so funny to imagine Bloody Mary She's half in It's great to imagine saying Bloody Mary into a tiny mirror That she can't get out of because she's the size of a person Okay, so what if I'm saying Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary And someone gets a recording of this And puts that up to a mirror

If you listen to this on your phone Unplug your this and puts that up to a mirror If you listen to this on your phone unplug your headphones and place it up against a mirror Bloody Mary will come out of the mirror and into our realm Oh no, we've digitised her This is like a late 90s, early 2000s bat film Oh no, Black Mirror's gotten bad

It's Bloody Mary but there's an A an at symbol instead of an A. It's a lawnmower man, but a Bloody Mary. Terrible CGI. Someone controlling a lawnmower with their mind. It's flowers for Algernon. Based off a Stephen King novel about a goat man mowing someone's lawn. Not even a joke.

For real? Lawnmowerower man the short story that was turned into a bizarre hacker digital horror movie it's about a guy whose lawn is too like covered in in it's ridiculous so it's like oh my lawn's too big it's too much grass or whatever people say and then he finds in the yellow pages it's like pan's lawn mowing service and he's like just a goat well he's like okay and then a guy service and he's like just to go well he's like okay and then a guy arrives and he realizes the guy's goat legs and then the guy eats the grass with his mouth and then he leaves and they were like this movie will become a digital horror big film what well

because the lawnmower man is basically like pierce brosnan is like right i want to make a boy smart yes and he gets um uh the lawnmower man i forget his name and he's like you're, I want to make a boy smart. Yes. And he gets the lawnmower man, I forget his name, and he's like, you're mowing my lawn, but you're like dumb as shit. Yeah. He's like real, like has like a mental problem where he's learning difficulties. So he's like, come into my machine, which is like one of them, like it's like a gyroscope. Oh, yeah.

You hold it and you do some spinny boys. Whee! They look fun. Yeah, they are so fun. I remember doing them in a carnival ride. It didn't make me smart, as we can all testify. In fact, it made me dumb. A little bit of brain got out.

Yeah. So he makes him smart by spinning him a bit. Sure. And then he's like, right, you're smart now. And then... Is he one of those trying to fuck Pierce Brosnan's wife? He might want to try and fuck Pierce Brosnan's wife, or I don't remember a lot of this movie.

But he gets telepathy powers, and he mows the lawn with his mind. With a lawnmower, though. He doesn't actually mow the lawn. He controls the lawnmower. That mows the lawn. He goes a little bit evil. Then there's Lawnmower Man 2000, which is in the future, and it's kind of like a lot of bad CGI.

At what point does the great god Pan eat a lawn? Never. Yeah, wow. Look, hey, it's one of Stephen King's worst stories. That sounds like an adorable story. It's very bad. Is there a horror though or is it cute as shit? No.

It sounds cute as shit. The guy eats his lawn and he's disturbed by it. Okay, hey, look, idea for our business. Sure. Okay, so we get several goats. And then people are like, our lawn is too big, as we said before. Can we hire you? I'm like, yes, I have goats.

And we give them the goats and the goats mow their lawn. We have a leash because I want to put a leash on the goat. Yeah, okay. Because I think it's cute as hell. Yeah, it's cute. And then we eat the, we, no, the goat. The goat. Eats that lawn.

As a team, you and the goat. You have a competition. Who can eat the most lawn? Us or that goat? What do we think? Look, it's a town-style business. I'm in. Yeah.

Making competitive goat eating contest. And then it has companionship. Do we think that if Bloody Mary had a dog and he got out of the mirror and then Bloody Mary went back in the mirror, would the dog be able to go back in the mirror or is it just a dog? Or is it the kind of thing that to look after the dog, a child has to go to the mirror? So the dog exists in our realm, Bloody Mary exists in the mirror realm.

Can you take something from our realm to the mirror realm? No. No. Okay. I'm glad we've established this hard and fast rule. The dog can come out and then the dog tries to go back in, but. It's banned from the mirror realm. No. No. Okay. I'm glad we've established this. I think the dog can come out and then the dog tries to go back in, but. It's banned from the mirror realm? No, like it's just logistically can the dog, I guess Bloody Mary can always pick it up.

Bloody Mary is a ghost, but she's like a special ghost. Okay. So Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Yeah. Yeah. So you say that, she comes out, she's like, you called me, I'm going to stab you. I think so. Mostly kids.

She likes that kidney. By and large children. So what does she do? Does she stab him? Does she eat him? Does she comes out, she's like, you called me, I'm going to stab you. Mostly kids. She likes that kid in me. By and large, children. So what does she do? Does she stab him? Does she eat him? Does she, what's she do? From memory, Bloody Mary is angry at a town because they called her ugly, and then they killed her.

And so she hid in a mirror to eat children. So she eats the children. Honestly fair. I'm not sure. Find out. Look up on your computer who is Bloody Mary and what does she want. Look up who is Bloody Mary and what does she want? Who is Bloody Mary and what does she want and could she do with a dog?

Could the old gal do with a pooch? Mary, when her name was chanted repeatedly, so it's not just three times. So we've just got to keep going. We've got to keep going to the end of time. That's a good folklore, one that blames you the perpetrator if it doesn't work. Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.

I read somewhere that the reason the Bloody Mary stuff exists is because you can do a thing where if you turn off the light most of the way or something and you stare at a mirror, your brain tries to make, because it's a bit of our brain that's designed to make faces. Yep. Yeah, we see patterns in all kinds of issues. Yeah, so you can trick your brain, and they did an experiment

where they had a mirror in the darkness that they made people look at and after a while their brain would tend to give them horrifying images. So like it works because it tricks your brain. Who's Bloody Mary? Who is she? Sorry, I'm just reading because it just was like, hey, we invoke her name in acts of catoptromency. Yes. Catoptromency. No, I fucked it. Catoptromency. Yes.

Catoptromency. No, I fucked it. Catoptromency. Catoptromency. Catoptromency. Yes. So divination using a mirror. Okay.

So it's a spell. I'll repeat it 13 times. 13? I don't have the time. That's why it's never working for anybody. Everyone's like, saw 13, was like, three should do it. Yeah, three. That'll be fine. Fine, fine. Yeah. Well, she allegedly appears 13 is like, three should do it. Three should do it. Three years. That'll be fine.

Well, she allegedly appears as a corpse, which ghost can be friendly or evil and sometimes is seen covered in blood. You know when you have

a friendly corpse covered in blood? It's Casper, the friendly corpse covered in blood. You know that one. Not even a ghost, it's a corpse.

I died with no wounds. She's a character. The law surrounding the ritual states that participants may endure the apparition screaming at them, cursing them, strangling them, stealing their soul, drinking their blood. So nobody really knows what Bloody Mary is. And honestly, in all those events, it would be really great if there was also a dog there that I could be like, huh, distract me. I just imagine Bloody Maryary being like i'm going to kick but in the background i'm here i'm gonna kick can i use that little hearing customer

standing in the mirror from here up looking menacing is like i'm going to kill you and then like you just see little ears flop up and the dog's trying to jump up is there a dog trying to say hello to me hi hey look i know you're trying to is that a dog down there can i pat the dog i'm going to kill it can yeah can i once he wants a pat he would trying to Is that a dog down there? Can I pat the dog? I'm going to kill you He wants a pat A little dog putting up its feet on the other side of the mirror And putting its little head like To have a look at you and you're like

You can pat the part of the dog that's sticking out So you get to pat his nose Putting up on like a mirror So like it's paws are kind of like on the glass And he's trying to go through and you're like, oh, he's licking the glass. Can I pitch you something very cute? Yes.

Okay, so imagine a sink with a mirror and there's like a bar of soap. Yes. And then you chant Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Nothing happens. Bloody Mary's out or whatever. But then because the mirror has become a portal, you see the dog's head go out and on the side

and start licking the soap. Or like bite the soap and take it back in. No, no, get back. You'll be sick. She'll kill me. She'll literally kill me. Yes.

So I just think it would. I think that'd be good for the victim though. Not so much for Bloody Mary. That's the thing. It's going to be great for all of us at home, but it won't help the villain in any way. That's true. Nothing. She's named after a queen. all of us at home, but it won't help the villain in any way. That's true. She's named after a queen. Maybe she's named after Mary, Queen of Tudors.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Potentially. That's cool. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, plumbing is sweet as a summer breeze and all, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Maybe you wish we'd stopped talking about superheroes and Star Wars and dog dicks

and instead sought out which kind of frog is the superior frog or what would be the best kind of metal to be crushed under. If this sounds like you, then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for Shut Up A Second, a nonsense podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. It's a weird ritual to, like, I don't know where it comes from, you know? Like, the idea of you going, like, I don't know where it comes from, you know, like the idea of you going, like, I don't know. How does it start?

Did it come from a time when mirrors were pretty new? It might have done. I don't know what this mirror is capable of. Maybe this mirror is magical. Everything is the same, but it's backwards. The amount of times I tried to walk through mirrors as a kid. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, I had a big mirror face.

To get into the mirror realm was every child's sort of dream. I've just remembered. I created an entire realm and made passes. And I tried to get in by using a pass. Oh, that's amazing. I have this memory late at night of doing the special spell that I had made, invoking the place that I had created and putting the pass on that I'd also made and just failing to walk through a mirror.

Wow. I tried my best as a kid. They had little stickers of ladybugs on them. Oh, that's so cute. Oh, my God. That must have been the most disappointing thing in the world as a child that you couldn't get into the mirror. I made so many passes.

That's good, Cass. It wasn't even disappointing. I was like, next time. I'll get you there I guess I didn't believe hard enough Yeah like that's Yes You gotta keep trying

You're losing ground every day to get into the mirror I think the moment Bloody Mary jumped out at me I'd try and take her place Try and slide onto her into the mirror Pick up her dog and run So doing a light bit of reading slash research Skimming an article. Aye aye.

So Mary in her teen years who I guess this is based off had been plagued with terrible menstrual pains and irregularity

in her cycles. So I'm guessing like you know having a dog that would be nice and comforting because like pain

this sucks good patty pat pat. Is she called Bloody Mary because she's menstruating? I don't know yet. Maybe. Oh, my God. Page one of two. It's not worth it.

Fuck it. Just write my dog. Just write it out of town. What a child. Hang on. Oh, you got to do it with a candle. Candle? Who has a candle?

That's like three things Oh man wax Some kind of like Something to do with a pregnancy That no one believed her in Wax holder flame Yeah who can be bothered The stick itself

Light a match Whatever Same difference Step one I have never done it though Maybe I will after this episode Maybe I'll go in the bathroom Bloody mirror myself God if that works And my passes to the garden realm though Maybe I will after this episode Maybe I'll go in the bathroom and bloody marry myself If that works and my passes to the garden realm didn't

I will be salty Imagine I went in and bloody marry bloody marry I just went What would you tell the cops I'd be like he wanted to go You know when you try to enter the mirror realm He did it He figured it out

You make yourself a pass You do the spell you try to enter the mirror realm? He did it. Officer's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You make yourself a pass. You do the spell. You put the ladybugs on it, obviously. Then you get in the mirror realm. Officer's like, can I have a look? No, it's for cop reasons. You got a warrant to come in the mirror realm, sir?

No. Then you see me on the other side of the glass. It's bad in here! Okay. Skimming this more here. Okay. Yeah. Skimming this more, it's sadder. So I think she wanted a baby. Oh, no. And then she's like, I'm pregnant. No one believed her.

And then she's like, no, I am. And then they locked her in a room. And then she had no signs of pregnancy. Everyone was like, she's lying or there was a miscarriage. Don't know yet. Yeah. She believed that God was punishing her for failing in a mission she set out to achieve just months earlier. Yeah.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm still reading. Then she came to kill kids. Maybe. I'm not there yet. Well, sometimes she doesn't kill kids, which is nice. Exactly. Sometimes she just screams a bit.

Yeah. Yeah, if the thing is like, ah, yes, come, she'll come to the mirror and kill you because she couldn't have kids and the people are just being mean. Yeah. That's easily cruel. At the time of her pregnancy, or maybe not pregnancy, England was divided between Protestants and Catholics. Okay.

Mary determined to unite her people under the true religion of the land, which would be great if she had a dog. Yeah, that's true. That's true. It's good for recruiting. Yeah. Took action by saying an act shortly before Christmas. Okay.

That results in many prosecutions. Estimated that 240 men and 60 women were sentenced as Protestants and burnt at the stake. Oh. She's a complicated lass, is that as old Bloody Mary. We've all got a past. Okay. And that's how she got the nickname Bloody Mary.

She killed a lot of Protestants. That's crazy to imagine Bloody Mary. Like you're six. Six is maybe a bit young. You're ten. And you're like, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. And she comes out and she's like, I of Protestants. That's crazy to imagine Bloody Mary, like you're six. Six is maybe a bit young. You're ten. And you're like, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. And she comes out and she's like, I hate Protestants. And you're like, I don't, you got a lot of baggage, lady. I thought you were just like

a regular ghoul, but you got a big history. And then she eats you up or whatever. Yeah, so what are we writing? I think, dog wouldn't work. Oh, no, Catholic. Yeah, no, dog would work.

Yeah, Catholic. Catholic dog. I won. So I think Bloody Mary would probably appreciate a dog. Absolutely. Because then she could sniff out them dirty Protestants. Yeah, absolutely. That she clearly hated.

I'd be like, lady, it's just not that big a deal anymore. I don't want her to have a dog. Please just eat children. You're a tirade and crusader. It's a bit old-fashioned now. Yeah, we kind of chill now. It's not cool. Somehow eating kids is less discriminatory.

Just eat children, dude. Just eat the kid. That's fine. And if she was the eating children kind of ghoul, good for a dog. That's true. Dogs love child food. Keeps their fur nice and silky. Keeps the teeth white.

Cash, what do you got? I reckon the best monster to have a dog is the mummy. Sure. As a guard dog. Then no one would come in. Nobody's going to disturb that tomb. The mummy just wants to sleep, but I'm aware it sets up a sad life for the dog. I'm just liking the idea of archae like, archaeologists in the 1940s

moving a massive, like, slab of rock to go and investigate and the dog coming out like, roar! And they're like, oh, my God, everybody flame. Put the rock back! Put the rock back! Have a little beware of dog. Shouldn't someone check why the dog's alive? That's not our business now! Dude, that dog was huge!

It's guarding. I'm scared. Did you imagine it wrapped up in like mummy bandages? What kind of dog were you imagining as well? Oh, cartoon. I was imagining

a bulldog for some reason. I was imagining one of those Egyptian, like those long plinky ear boys. Like a jackal dog. Yeah, the ones that look more like cats. No, I don't like this at all. I'm shaking my head. I'm like, the beauty industry there is clearly really biased. But pets, I just felt a bit sorry for dogs then.

No, they look fair. Let dogs be dogs. They got a raw deal. They got a raw deal. So is the idea that the mummy has a, it's kind of sad for both the dog and the mummy because it means that the mummy never really gets to hang out with the dog because he's asleep in his coffin or sarcophagus the whole time.

Look at the pharaoh hound. How cute is that little hairy cussing? He's quite pointy. I don't know if I like him. He's so pointy. Hang on. Show me the pharaoh hound. Give me a peek.

Rotate and enhance. Rotate and enhance. Ah, yeah. Internet garbage not working. Is that a statue? Yes It's a pretty pointy dog The ears are like Ears that a deer would have but a bit bigger It's very good

Imagine one of them A big dog who sleeps Maybe at the owner's feet Which I guess is The sarcophagus is upright. Is it? No, that's just in the film. It's laying down.

It can be upright if you've disturbed it and want to make paint. Oh, no, this is undisturbed. This is undisturbed. No one's painted anything. And the dogs are sleeping at the feet. And then someone comes in, the dog's like, like his little giant ears flick up. That's so cute.

But, Cass, how am I going to get Mummy Brown? I need that for my artwork. It's true. You don't. There's no world that you need Mummy Brown. I'm pretty sure there was. It was about last century where we needed all that. It's so sad.

We lost a colour, man. We did. We can't paint with that colour anymore because we've run out of mummies. Is it true that they can't recreate it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't make mummies around you. Because you need a mummy. That's just them's the brakes.

So for those who are a bit not sure what the hell we're talking about. This is sort of a history episode. A little history. A little bit of a history little lesson. So back when we were in the archaeological era, whatever that was, when everyone was just discovering mummies and not getting cursed, or maybe getting cursed. Like 30s, I think.

20s to 30s. Everyone was just like, what to do with all these mummies? We had so many goddamn fucking mummies. Mummies coming out the wazoo. Oh my God. So they decided to crush up the mummy and use it as paint. I really like, another thing they would do is they would have unveiling parties.

So you'd buy a mummy, take it to your house, invite all your pals, and then you would unwrap the mummy. What's great about that is that, what a disappointing night. They're like, let's see what's under the bandages. A dead guy. Everyone's like, oh, whoa. I'm pretty sure they also used to snort the mummy.

Like it was some kind of exotic drug. Mummies were fucking, they were coming thick and fast, dude. Being rich in the 30s must have been amazing. I want to eat this mummy. It's like smoking wasn't bad then, was it? No. Good for your T-zone still. Smoking was still good.

Everything that you did, if you were rich in the 30s, you couldn't die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one had told you yet. The only thing you'd die of would be like an adventure accident. Yeah, you'd climb a mountain that was too big. That's what it gets you. I'm going around the world in 80 days. Yeah, or some like exotic tropical disease.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to imagine this mummy dog. So you know how like the mummies would have their organs contained in canoptic jars or cannabid jars? Like the dog, it's got to eat something, just sucking up that mummy guts. Oh, yeah. So you know what dogs love doing, apart from praying to the Catholic?

Yeah. Burying bones. Yes, but also chewing on bones, gnawing on bones, biting on bones. Maybe that works to the mummy's benefit because imagine you're a 1930s archaeologist. You push the top of the sarcophagus open and then there's a mummy there, but also a dog with his mouth around the mummy's leg. And you know when a dog has something it doesn't want to give up?

When you go to take it and the dog's like, grrr, and you're like, okay, okay, grrr, okay, okay, okay, okay. That's where you start from the mummy's head to death. And then the dog runs up because it just wants what you want? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's a good one. It's great to imagine. They do.

Oh, bless. It's so good to imagine in yeah. No, that's a good one. It's great to imagine. They do. Oh, bless. It's so good to imagine in a museum a mummy that's missing from like one leg the knee down. And they're like, is the mummy not complete? You're like, the dog has it still in the temple. I'm sorry. I don't want to take out the dog. It was angry.

It was angry. It was mad. It was sad. It didn't want to be sad. I don't want to upset the dog. I want the dog to like me. I think it does. I don't like to pat a strange dog. I didn't want to be sad. I want the dog to like me. I think it does. I don't like to pat a strange dog.

I didn't know the owner. I know him now. He's a dead guy. He said it was fine. You're also a dude. He said I could pat it. Please, sir, you're an embarrassment to this museum. I'm sorry.

That's fair. It was just a dog. I'll go. What if the dog, instead of treating it like This is bones they want to eat They're like this is bones I've buried Because it's like In a sarcophagus and everything

And the dog's like this is my precious The dog maybe doesn't know the mummy is alive Or was or has the potential to come alive Well maybe is alive Yeah you're right Well mummies don't tend to come alive until the grave is disturbed. Yeah, which the dog would probably like because then he gets pats. But also confused because the bones that the dog assumedly thought

he buried are like, oh, no, it's out. Oh, man, to be a mummy and wake up and to be in bits because your guard dog spread you out. Your dog just hits their wag in his tail. You don't know. What if there's something really nice about the dog, like, watching everything get buried and then being like, I will protect the bones and, like, locking itself in.

Everyone's like, come on. And the dog's like, no, I must protect internally of course protecting the bones and then the bones come to life and then the then the imagine like you protected something that you loved so much and then one day it became your best friend like if the mummy wakes up and the dog's like, and the mummy's like, oh, good boy. And the dog's like, yes. It's also great to imagine. So the mummy comes back. The mummy's going to curse the land.

And you know, in Brandon Fraser's The Mummy, with the face of sand, but there's just also a dog flying with him. First it's like that giant face and then like two steps behind the dog, real happy. Yeah, but like legs kicking but afloat yeah yeah yeah like it's being held above water

do you ever see those things where they parachuted dogs down like in the war or whatever no but the dogs are so happy because they've been trained to do it it's this adorable photo I mean sad because the dogs are going to war but they're all like like they've got big grins and they're miles in the air floating towards the ground if you ever have uh ever experienced having owning a corgi

like i have what you can do is when they have a bath and they're like they paddle but then you just pick them up and they still think they're paddling and so they just paddle in midair because they're dumb and cute and great blast dogs dogs are so good man oh my god I think honestly every movie monster every monster should have everyone should have a dog

it's just better it just makes life so much better and on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've been Cass get a dog

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arf arf arf arf arf arf thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit

If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps and if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now.

But not forever. Kisses.