Plumbing the Death Star - Which Hammer Movie Monster Would Be The Worst To Be Bitten By?

Episode Date: October 13, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to a Halloween edition of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like which Hammer movie monster would be the worst to be bitten by? I would like to immediately say, Frankenstein, he's got a man's teeth. Wolfman, big mouth. Yeah, Wolfman has the mouth of a dog. I mean a wolf. Dog, man.

Why am I dumb? I'm a were-dog. No, no, That doesn't work Here's what Well okay This is gonna sound dumb But What?

On this show? Fuck you Bear with me Bearing Okay A man's A wolf's mouth Yes

Is designed to bite Yeah A man's mouth isn't So Hang on It would hurt more Hang on Jaws on it Jaws on it

I need you to just wait a moment So Jackson Is that an argument for or against The wolfman being the worst Worst to be bitten by It is against the wolfman being the worst Okay cool You know why dogs are designed to bite good

Because they kill They're meant to kill animals When you're chewing on food Is that taking a bite Dogs are not designed to bite good because they kill. They're meant to kill animals. Okay, when you're chewing on food, is that taking a bite out of a thing? Yes. So are humans designed to bite? My point is, would you rather be beheaded with a piece of wood or a knife?

Piece of wood because I'm curious. Yeah, that would be whack, sheer intellectual curiosity. That's what I mean. That's why I think Frankenstein's bite would hurt more. My last moments if I got beheaded by a plank of wood would be satisfaction as the world's last mystery was solved.

I think I would hate to be bitten by just in terms of like, I guess, arm. They're biting his arm or neck. I was imagining arm for some reason. Arse. They're chasing you. One cheek. Arse. This is the scenario with every Hammer Movie monster.

We run, we trip over. As we do, our pants get caught in a nail, revealing only our bum cheeks. Yes. And then Dracula, Mummy, Wolfman, Frankenstein, or Gilman, punk, onto the cheek. Onto the tuchus. Yeah. the cheek. Onto the tuchus. Ooh, me boom.

Mine tuchus. Mine tuchus. Why? In that case, I want to say Gilman. Just in terms of feel. In terms of arse feel. Gilman. So glad.

So happy to have coined the term arse feel. Because I think Gilman, he doesn't have teeth. He's all gum. That's what I imagine. Is he going to be sucking your bum? He's going to be sucking on a cheek, and it's going to be very wet and a little bit slimy. Is it hogfish?

Yeah. The one they have to like slime up. Imagine having one whole bum cheek would be a hickey. That's what you're describing here Because like With a wolf man Or a Dracula Or even a Frankenstein

Where it's just the mouth of a man Yeah Like that's like Oh teach Teeth Teach Teach Yo teach

No teach We're fighting my bum Teach But then it's teeth And there's piercing But with a gill man You're like stop it There's enough for me To realise what's happening Okay And there's piercing but with a gill man you're like stop it there's enough

for me to realise what's happening and there's enough time to be like how big's an arse

cheek how long's a piece of string depends on your arse how big's the arse

okay well how big would you say your arse cheek is like about the size of you can see

my arse better than I can. That's true. I've seen your ass more times than you have. I would say the size of a good melon. Okay. What I keep imagining... Like a rock melon. Yeah, smushed together with a crack in the middle. Two rock melons, smushed together, but nowhere near as... With an anus in the middle.

Yeah, nowhere near as pert. I want to get two rock melons. Two rock melons and you roll them apart and you're like oh my god there's that but also overripe so a bit squishy and they're sagging dimpled a bit the reason I bring it up is because

I imagine the gill man clamping and then going over the whole cheek and ass crack head don't forget that but now I realise that that is just not how it would work the gill man would just sucker onto the central section of your cheek. Okay, it's not the middle. I'm like, dude, you're not even getting a good seal.

What's bad is that with every other one, you run away and it tears off. They tear a chunk out of you. With a gill man, you run away and it stays on you, sort of like a flag trailing behind you. And again, there's enough... He would vibrate all up your body.

I'm more aware, because again, if a Dracula or a dog is biting me, ah, they're going to bit me! A dog, sure. The Hammer Movie Monsters, Dracula, Mummy, Gilman, Frankenstein, a dog! Wolfman, dog. But I can see, it's just someone biting me, right? Yeah.

I'm like It's suction I could understand being attacked But with a gill man I'm like What's happening? My brain would shut down And I just don't know

Everyone knows what the end point of a bite is But no one knows what happens If you get your bum sucked too long And I'm like What's happened? I would freeze That's when I would freeze With every other monster I'm pretty sure I would fight With a g. And I'm like, what's happened? I would freeze. That's when I would freeze. With every other monster, I'm pretty sure

I would fight. With a Gilman, I'm like, I don't know. I just don't know. Is this the freeze? What's going on? If a Dracula bit me on the bum, my first thought would be, am I going to become a different kind of Dracula? I don't know what kind. Am I going to get Dracula fangs in my

anus? Am I just going to become a regular Dracula Or is it going to be some kind of bum Dracula Yeah Two teeth grow either side of the nose Ow it hurt And it turns into a bat I'm a bad kind of vampire One of the worst

Dracula couldn't have bit me on the neck Or something good? No, the bum cheek. Bleh! Bleh! I feel like that's mostly fat for Dracula. He might just suck it out and I got one saggy cheek. And he's just sick.

Oh, dear me. Yeah, well, you should have waited. Oh, man. Dracula vomiting up your own ass fat in front of you is Yeah well you should have waited Oh man Dracula vomiting up your own ass fat In front of you Is not something you don't bounce back from As your dick slowly turns into a bat

Does it fly off? Of course Come back It's worse because a Dracula can turn into a bat So presumably your bat dick can turn back into a dick And it'll just fall out of the sky Imagine it becomes a bat but then turns into a bat. So presumably your bat dick can turn back into a dick and it'll just fall out of the sky. Imagine it becomes a bat but then turns into a man.

Dracula, I'm unclear on what's happening. Dracula just shrugs. I've never been with anybody on the ass before. Dracula, I'm uncomfortable and I don't like this. Will you ever become my penis again? And it just shakes its head and it can't talk. Okay, okay.

Well, Dracula Dracula pretty bad what happens if you turn a penis into a man what thoughts does that have I'm this is a better deal does it have its own penis is it a recursive bat penis

that's like if you there's not a one to one for some reason in my head because this penis is now That's like if you... There's not a one-to-one. For some reason in my head, because this penis is now turned into a full man, instead of having a penis that just has balls, you're symbolising the balls that the penis used to be attached to.

See, I was imagining the whole genital situation. Does that mean that I still have nuts? Of course, reverse unit. See, I like the idea of it not flying off and just stuck there flapping freaking out. I can't ever wear regular pants again. Or even wrong pants. This is just frankly a situation no tailor has ever been prepared

for. Please, Mr. Bailey, come in. So I have a bat, dear. Okay, so perhaps would you like some of the finest silk? Maybe a pouch. Here's my suggestion. Wrap my legs in cloths.

Okay, okay. That'll do us. Swaddle me in velvet. Here's my suggestion. Painkillers, a hammer, and regular pants. Yeah, what happens if we just put a hammer on that bat in the head? Imagine, do you think you could ever bounce back from laying your penis bat on the hard concrete

and slamming it with a hammer? Could you ever come back? Am I feeling that? Yes, the bat is. No matter what, the bats feel like that. Yeah, but do we feel what the bat feels? No, I don't think so. Okay, then it's fine.

You're not sad. You've got a dead bat on your... You've got a dirty dick. Does it rot? Yes, eventually. But then eventually it's just a skeleton and've got a dirty dick. Does it rot? Yes, eventually. But then eventually it's just a skeleton and you live a regular life. Let's talk about a mummy bite. Anyway, yeah, okay, mummy bite.

Okay, so. Infected. Do mummy have teeth? Do mummy have teeth? Do mummy have teeth? Do mummy. Do mummy. Do mummy have teeth?

They've got the paper. They're wrapping that. But do they have other teeth? I think they have about six teeth. Oh, okay. And then you'll get that classic like when an old man

bites an apple situation but the mummy will bite your ass and the tooth will be stuck in it imagine because our mummy is not

very together so the mummy bites your ass takes its mouth away and you've got a tooth in your ass yeah and then every time

you sit down for the rest of your life you're like ow man I should've gone to a doctor about that I should've got this

tooth removed from my arse. So are we doing vampire rules for all Hammer Movie monsters? Yes, I think so. All Hammer Movie monsters have vampire rules. It's actually the Hammer Movie rules. Yeah, if a monster bites you on the arse, you become that monster. But worse.

Well, let's go through them. Well, a mummy bites you on the arse, your foreskin rots and falls off. Why does that happen? Mommy's a rotten. Is my foreskin the beginning of further rotting? No. It's just like the wrapping. It just gets mummified.

Yeah. Where do the bandages come from? I imagine. Do you just get mummified? I imagine your body just begins to shrivel because of the moisture leaves. Oh, yeah. And you become a dry mouth. Yeah, you get real dry.

You start, all your blood becomes sand. Then you just got to wrap yourself up manually. Okay. That's rough because. I wouldn't wrap myself up. No? You'd just die? Yeah.

Okay. Sick, dude. Why would I die if I don't wrap myself up? Why does a mummy wrap itself? Well, mummy does wrap itself. Someone else does wrap themselves. Yeah, the mummy. They just woke up like that.

That's basically them getting up in their pyjamas, being like, should I get dressed today? And deciding no. What I keep thinking about with the mummy is that if you weren't wrapped in bandages, no one would know you were a mummy. If you weren't wrapped in bandages, wouldn't you just disintegrate?

Isn't that the thing? I don't think bandages stop you because it's very loose wrapping on the mummy. Let's be honest. A mummy is just an Egyptian zombie. It's just a zombie plus. You know what I mean? It's just a zombie that you've wrapped in bandages.

If the zombie apocalypse happened, I captured a zombie, wrapped it in bandages. And aged it. It's like a zombie that's been in an air dryer, like how you make jerky, and then wrapped in bandages. Yeah, it's just not a very interesting monster. And also you don't really get any powers, do you? Does a mummy come with abilities?

Sometimes you become a priest, but in old times. Control sand a bit. Make a big face. Mummy would be good for the big face. Imagine you're like, is Jackson coming to work? And then you open the door and my big face comes down the driveway. And says no. No, I'm at home right now. And then you get sand everywhere and my big face comes down the driveway. Yeah, and says no. No! I'm at home right

now. And then you get sand everywhere. Yeah, but I'm at home. I don't have to deal with it until tomorrow when I come in and I'm like I'm going to get in trouble for all this sand. The mummy can also become a big face of water, if you recall. The mummy to mummy returns. Big face of water? Yeah. That's the opposite of sand.

Well, there's water. Yeah. I've got no explanation for that yeah the science has no answers yeah uh scarabs you also get as a mummy oh that's cool yeah that's good that turns the scarabs just control you can control scarabs put them in people's skin being bitten by a mummy makes me control scat oh and i can put them in skins yes when was the last time you saw a scarab hmm at the zoo so you'd have to go to the zoo to control it. There were about maybe three scarabs at the zoo, and I could go and be like, get out and get in that man's skin,

and the scarab would not be able to. Maybe I could go to a zookeeper and be like, hello, please, can I look at... Also, you're a mommy. Yeah, I've got a trench coat on and a balaclava. Like, this man's here to rob this zoo. Can't I just, like... Okay, I'll become a

scarab breeder. Dressing up as a bank robber to rob the zoo. Yeah, alright, let's explore robbing the zoo. What are you trying to take? So you gotta go, what's the most valuable thing a zoo has? Animals. Yeah, no, but what is the most valuable animals? Probably a rare

ape or something. Okay, so you gotta go in with a gun and a balaclava and a trench coat. You find the rarest ape. What is the rarest? A rarest? No. Most valuable. MVP. Most valuable primate.

Yeah. Animal at the zoo. Yeah, because you go in. Giant panda. Okay. So I go to the zoo with a gun and a trench coat and a ballot. And a bag with a dollar sign on it crossed out and then a picture of a panda face. Then I've got a panda sign on it. Yeah, yeah. And you can dress up like the Hamburglar, like in panda colours.

Rubble roll! Rubble roll. The Hamburglar did this as I tried to get a bear in a bag. Man, if that was a real bear, yeah, okay. If that was a dangerous bear, yeah, okay. If that was a dangerous bear, this man would be in danger. But hang on. He's just trying to pull the bag over the panda's head.

Can panda, like, because panda bears are still bears. Can they still bite? Yeah, of course. And like tear you apart? They can, but they won't. They're too tired from eating all that bamboo and being fat shits all day. Imagine, like, you've got the panda's head in a bag.

You're screaming, I'm robbing this zoo Yes I've seen like that video Of that Caretifer Panda person And they're trying to look after all these pandas And they're just being little shits rolling around

Yeah I can steal a cub That's what I'll do Then I'll take it out I'm robbing this zoo I'm the Hamburglar And then you fall over cup. That's what I'll do. Then I'll take it out. I'm robbing this zoo. I'm the Hamburglar. Robble, robble. And then you fall over. Ass cheek out. Nail tears out your belt.

And then a panda on your ass. I'm gonna become a panda now! But instead I just get sick and die. I got panda rabies. Look, ham and monster baby, you're becoming a panda. Well, that's okay. Hard to breed. Hard to breed. Loves to eat bamboo. Well, that's okay. Hard to breed. Hard to breed.

Loves to eat bamboo. But, and here's what happens to pandas. They put them in the same enclosure as other pandas, and they're like, fuck the other panda. And the panda's like, no, I'm not that horny. And then they show them panda porn. Yes. So, great way to get panda porn.

So, basically, you're going to get bit on the arse by a panda. Yeah. And your end goal is like, this is good, because I get free pornography. Yeah. I get to see is like, this is good because I get free pornography. Yeah. I get to see pandas fuck. Which is a really rare thing. So, you know, we laugh.

Yeah. But that's pretty exciting. You get to see pandas fuck, but you're one of the pandas. Yeah. And then I get to presumably fuck myself. Question. What? No, like I get to fuck also.

Oh, right. Question. As a panda panda man with the pandas watching panda porn yes as it gets to make the pandas horny yes yeah do they ever jerk off i don't know if a panda can and a jerk off i don't know what a bear's penis looks like are we now uncomfortable what does a bear's penis look like? I imagine like... Like a dog? No, too thin. That's what I keep picturing. Too thin.

Yeah, no, like it starts off flared and then goes to a point. Like a sword. Maybe I've seen a bear's penis at some point in my life. Like a turtle? Yeah. Hmm. Really makes you think. All right, let's explore...

How about bear's dicks mostly? Yeah, let's explore getting bitten by a Frankenstein. Right, yes. Okay, so Frankenstein bites you immediately. Well, it's made of other dead lads. So do I have to then... I imagine you would just develop stitches around your joints. Yeah.

Bolts in your neck. Become really strong and really big. But dumb as shit. No, but isn't, like, Frankenstein smart? Yeah, but Hammer Movie Monster Frankenstein is dummy shit. Yeah, okay. So you're going to become a big fool. Okay.

And you're going to strangle kids or whatever that Frankenstein did. He didn't strangle a kid. He broke it. It's the of mice and men thing. He strokes a girl's hair and he snaps her neck. Yeah, okay. Well, that's what you'll do. Or you're just going to be really strong.

So would I be more clever or dumber than I am currently? I would say dumber. Well, Frankenstein can just go. Frankenstein's monster at the end becomes very clever from reading books. Not in the Hammer Movie Monster version. Oh, right. Hey, attention. I got distracted.

So am I dumb as shit? Well, you currently can say more things than, fire will be bad. Fire bad. Fire bad. Does the Habit Movie Monster version of Frankenstein also get a bride of Frankenstein? Yeah.

So then he can't be dumb as shit for all of it. Can he read? Probably simple words. Like, ah, my wife. He knows fire bad. My wife. Yeah, he's basically Borat. Borat's back.

And he's several dead criminals this time. So, okay. Not. Fire bad. Why? Fire good. If I'm dumb as shit. Not.

Maybe it's like flowers for like Algernon. Aldernon. Aldernon? Algernon. Algernon. And so then I'm like, good. I'm dumb as shit, but I'm happy. So maybe that's good. Maybe it's like flowers for like Aldrinon Aldrinon Aldrinon? Aldrinon Aldrinon And so then I'm like Good I'm dumb as shit

But I'm happy So maybe that's good Yeah I suppose Too dumb to be unhappy I think if Zamba became a Frankenstein That impacts us JD More than anything else

Like in fact My life is pretty good Cause like Think about it Day to day When am I ever Coming into contact with fire When I cook today

And last night I was at a party You'd be like Time time to make some dinner. Fire bad! And then I'd have to go and strangle a kid or something. He doesn't strangle the kid on purpose. He's just dumb. So he might kill like, I don't know, Cass accidentally. Cass, fire bad!

Pat, pat, pat. This is because he got bit on the ass, dude. I'm telling you. That guy wasn't just a guy. He was a Frankenstein. I guess I killed an employee. That's not never going to happen. I'm going to get the chair.

I'll bring back the chair just for you. But you're a Frankenstein. You'll get more powerful. And if I kill my good friend Cass, then she can become part of me. Hey, that's true. Friend of Frankenstein. I can then be like, get her arm

and put it on my stomach and then I can get another head and be like, Cass head! This is the situation of Bride of Frankenstein. Don't get to put her bits on your bits. You just get a friend. No, just put a brain in my brain and then we can be clever.

It's so-and-so's boat. How many parts of Frankenstein do we have to get rid of? Is it still Frankenstein? Oh, Theseus' boat. The ship of Theseus. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

If you keep taking apart the Frankenstein. If you got a mop and you take off the stick and you put a new stick and then you replace the mop head with a different mop head, is that the same mop? The mop of Theseus. The mop of Theseus. The mop of Theseus. All them ancient Greeks mopping that boat or whatever. The Frankenstein of Theseus,

if we take apart Zammert and we give him new bits, is it still Zammert? I think with humans it's pretty easy. You change the brain, it's not Zammert. That's fair. No, but that doesn't make sense because Frankenstein's brain is a guy's it's not his brain. What?

Yeah, but. So you've got a criminal called John B. Criminal, okay? Johnny B. Crim. Johnny B. Crim. Johnny B. Crim. And you took Johnny B. Crim's brain and you gave that brain to Frankenstein. Yes. He's not Johnny B. Crim.

No, he's Frankenstein. He's Frankenstein. But spot Frankenstein's brain. Yeah, but he should still be Frankenstein. No, he's Frankenstein. He's Frankenstein. But, swap Frankenstein's brain. Yeah, but he should still be Frankenstein. No. Does that mean if I got Frankenstein's brain and put it in a new Frankenstein that's not Frankenstein? Correct. That's a new Frankenstein. That's the logic created

within this universe. Well, that's foolish. Hey, take it up with Hammer. I fucking might. So, yeah, I mean, Frankenstein wouldn't be too bad. It's interesting. So, you know, like a lot of these Hammer movie monsters come with specific rules. Frankenstein Wouldn't be too bad It's interesting So you know Like a lot of these Hammer movie monsters Come with specific rules

Frankenstein doesn't The only rule Frankenstein really comes with Is fire bad Fire bad And then I can If I lose a part I can get a part

Am I still the same mop Yeah Yeah exactly Am I still the same Franken Do Do Frankensteins get filled With a powerful desire To kill their creator?

Will you kill your dad? Is it my dad or the Frankenstein that bit my bum? That's a great question. You're not Frankenstein's monster, you're Frankenstein's monster's monster. Or maybe then you've got a powerful desire to kill the Frankenstein that bit your bum.

You're gonna go bite his... Don't bite my bum! That's perverted More like Fire bad Oh maybe you won't be like Fire bad You'll be arse pain bad

Arse pain bad Arse pain bad As I strangle Frankenstein's monster Using my Frankenstein monster's Monster's strength Yeah

Oh okay That sounds okay In terms of like The worst you've bitten by Being bitten by Frankenstein Is pretty monsters strength. Yeah. Oh, okay. That sounds okay. In terms of the worst you've been bitten by, being bitten by Frankenstein is pretty good. Yeah, it's all right. Makes you dumb, so then you're happy. Makes me dumb as shit, so I'm happy. Yeah.

Makes me want to kill my creator, i.e. Frankenstein's monster. Sick bolt necks. That's pretty nice. That's pretty cool. I can't get the chair. Let's not undersell not being able to be given the chair. Or presumably a lethal injection, or hanged by the neck till dead. Hanged by the neck till dead surely will kill you.

No, whatever. Frankenstein's not even alive, really. Has he got air? Does he breathe? I don't think so. That's just my head coming off. Then my head's like... Oh, I'm still the same Come on

Come on I'm the mob Stick come to me Then my stupid body comes And grabs my head And puts it back on Exactly Hanging someone

And having their head Separate from their body Is wild It happens Yeah Yeah Well because you do it quick You pull the thing

And they go boom And it's like a It depends how many knots there are Yeah You'll pop the head right off And because you do it quick. You pull the thing and they go, boom, and it's like a... It depends how many knots there are. Yeah, you'll pop the head right off. And if you catch it, you're the next one to be hanged. I love sports. Yeah, it's why everyone kept going, because they're like, oh, dinner and a show.

That'd be exciting, dinner and a show. I'm going to catch that head and eat it. What noises do people make when they're hung? I could find this out, but I don't want to. Oh, boy. Gee whaling, because... I just want this. Hey, it's the olden days, so they wouldn't have said fuck.

They wouldn't have cussed. Yeah, absolutely. It's a lot of oofs, yes. All right, well, let's discuss being bitten by, let's say, Wolfman. Okay. JD, painful on me bum. No, because Wolfman bitten by a werewolf say, Wolfman. Okay. JD, painful omni-bum. No, because Wolfman, bitten by a werewolf, becomes a Wolfman.

Yeah. So Wolfman biting Wolfman, you're getting a little bit of detached a little bit. Sure. So you probably become a balding Wolfman. Yeah. You're a bit patchy. So I'm patchy.

I've got a bald spot with a little bit of shitty fangs. No, and I reckon you've either got like with your beard and stuff that grows, like big patches and just no facial hair. Do you get teeth or just slightly sharper? Like do you get a wolf's mouth? Yeah. Yeah, Wolfman, to be honest, is just a hairy guy. You can run a bit quicker.

Silver bullets will kill you. Silver bullets will kill you. Silver bullets will kill me currently. But not as quick. Or, because getting bitten by the wolf man, all I've got to do is care about the full moon. That's like, what, one day a month?

Doesn't really impact me. What, I've got to eat a sheep or something every month Yeah That's fine I feel like we're too willing to accept the one day of the month We're gonna become a wolf problem Just chain me up or whatever Chain yourself up

Lupus or what Lupin What's his name Remus boy Remus Lupin You're the Harry Potter expert Jackson You love Harry Potters I'm fine

Yeah What's that guy's name You know Reman Do you mean Reman I've said the name Remus Lupin The Harry Potter expert, Jackson. You love Harry Potters. I might. Yeah. What's that guy's name? You know, Reman? Do you mean Reman? I've said the name. Remus Looper? Remus Looper.

Reman Looper. That's the guy. He needs to go back in time and shoot himself with a werewolf gun or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cool that, you know, we were saying, like, if you're Frankenstein, you could get the chair and not die. It's cool that if you were a werewolf, then you could get killed by cops and not die. Because they're not if you were a werewolf then you could get killed by cops and not die. Because they're not shooting you with silver bullets. You could commit so many crimes as all of these Hammer movie monsters.

I think that's kind of the thing. I'm a wolfman but I'm not the wolfman. And I get shot with a regular bullet. Do I get the strengths of the wolfman even though I'm not currently the wolfman? Well no, because you are the wolfman. Yeah even though I'm not currently the wolfman? Yes. Well, no, because you are the wolfman.

Yeah, but I'm not currently a wolf, man. Yeah, well, no, wolfman... It's a state of mind, man. If wolfman is a man and gets shot by a silver bullet, he still dies. You are still wolfman. No matter what, you're wolfman. So for one day of the month, so 12 times a year, I'm a hairy boy that's gotta go

Eat something However, every other time I just get the benefits of being a wolf boy Yeah, you just don't get the hair Meaning I just cannot get killed You don't get the benefits, you get the negatives So you're not stronger, but you will die from a silver bullet Yeah, but I'd die from a silver bullet now

But if I get shot with a regular bullet as a wolf man Am I good? So that's a plus No, because if you get shot with a silver bullet in Yeah, but I'd die from a silver bullet now, but if I get shot with a regular bullet as a wolfman, am I good? Yes. So that's a plus! No, because if you get shot with a silver bullet in the leg now, you will be okay. How many cops have silver bullets? Well, if there's a wolfman around, all of them. Maybe they'll invest. So,

if I am someone, I've been bitten by a wolf, apart from that one day a month, every other day I can get shot. I'll be fine. Yes. That's great. Well, I don't know.

How often are you getting shot? Well, now maybe a lot more. You might. Well, risk it. Yeah. Although when you're... Oh, wait. When do you get shot as a...

If you're a wolfman and you're not currently in wolfman form, isn't it when you get close to death or die? You become a wolfman? You become a wolfman anyway? I don't... Yeah, let's say yes. I've never heard of that before in my life. If I'm a man... Yes. And I'm a wolfman? You become a wolfman anyway? Let's say yes. I've never heard of that

before in my life. If I'm a man and I'm a wolfman sometimes You're always a wolfman. I'm at the edge of a cliff and I jump. I think it's the other way around. When you're a wolfman and you die, you turn back into a man. I think that's what I was imagining. So I'm on the top

of a cliff and then I jump. There's a big rock underneath me. I get impaled by that rock. That will kill a wolfman. Oh. I thought it was only silver bullets. No, yes, but also if you just like, wolfman not like, why am I talking like a caveman?

A caveman bit me on the ass. Fair, yeah. Yeah, because a wolfman doesn't have like the same rules as like Frankenstein, where as long as there's like a head, you still can. No, but isn't it like wolfman can only be killed by a silver bulletstein, where as long as there's a head, you still can... No, but isn't it like wolfman can only be killed by a silver bullet? Because if you can only be killed by a silver bullet, that's such a benefit. No, but that's such a plus.

Unless you mean that he's impervious to certain things. Like if you shoot him, it's not like he gets a bullet wound and he's fine. It's just the bullet doesn't pierce. No, actually, I think you're right, JD, because it was kind of the same with a Dracula. So Dracula can only be killed by a stake through the heart. But if I got like... You know that machine where you're like a pneumatic press and I squished Dracula, he would eventually die.

Would he? Or he would be in such a state that it wouldn't matter that he was still alive. Do you know what I mean? I guess. Yeah. So I don't know what conclusion we've arrived at here today Alright, so I guess I get a good sense of smell

Yeah Hairy So if people are into the hairy man, that's good Yeah He could become a bear Or is this this kind of thing But also a wolf But where it's kind of like the whole Beauty and the Beast situation

Where like Belle falls in love with this like muscular, hairy beast. Yeah, see, Joel Zammett, I'm going to stop you here because I know where this is going. This is only your theory. This isn't how it plays out in Beauty and the Beast. There's no canon to establish your theory.

I would be annoyed if I fell in love with a very big, hairy boy. Except she knows what he is already. But that's fine. Yeah, whatever. And I'm like, how's he? I'm all for this. And then he turns into this

Weedy prince You're talking to someone On the phone And you fall in love And then when you meet them And they're not a phone Okay that's an insane statement Wow

No don't even try to untangle it No but Yeah okay It's kind of like being catfish But in real life But she knows He tells her Yeah but she's kind of like being catfish But in real life But she knows he tells her Yeah but she's attracted physically to the beast Again that's just your implication

You think she's not attracted to the beast But she's like She's attracted to him as a person Yeah but also there's gotta be some physical element to it Not necessarily Like run a hand through the feet They're not fucking. That's the point.

Yeah, that's a good point. They aren't fucking. Yet. Yes, and what causes them to kiss? Oh, he's a boy again. Oh, she never kisses him as a beast. So it's the reverse catfish. Yeah.

It's like you're talking to a horrible looking person and then you're like, I know that you're going to be good looking in real life. Is it like Beauty and the Geek or whatever? Where they gave people makeup? But what also I think, Samit, is you're going to argue that what if someone No it isn't

Somebody's going to fall in love with you as a beast but you're a beast for one day out of the month So what are the odds? It's just not a risk One out of thirty But also As a wolfman You're like rabid

You're always gonna be Falling in love with a wolfman Yeah that's true As a wolfman All you're doing is Eating rabbits and chickens And attacking people Doing shits on the floor

Yeah Absolutely How would you deal With your one day a month What would you do now You gotta buy some chains I guess Chain yourself up

Silver chains You gonna get someone else To do it It's a process I mean you should I think I'm just gonna Let myself run wild Of course you would You've got to buy some chains, I guess. Chain yourself up. Silver chains. Are you going to get someone else to do it? It's a process. I think I'm just going to let myself run wild. Of course you will. That's my plan. Go to sleep at a school.

Who cares? I'm just going to stand at the front looking at my watch waiting for it to tick over to midnight. Where's the nearest nursery? I'm going to eat these kids. I'm hungry. I sure hope nothing bad happens. I really want that soft flesh of a baby. No, I'm not even going to be there. I'm just going I sure hope nothing bad happens. And I really want that soft flesh of a baby.

No, I'm not even going to be, I'm just going to be waiting at the school. I'm going to be like, hey, tonight I'll eat you. I'm a wolf man. It's not even like, I'm going to drive out to like, say, like farmland. I'm going to like, you know, get in my car and go north up to the country and then be like, right, if I turn into a wolf, fantastic. I've got to deal with being in a car. That's going to be fun.

And then all that's going to ram me are like horses, sheep and cow, and they're delicious and that's good. You're going to kill a farmer. You're definitely going to kill a farmer. But they might be asleep. I really like the idea of you locking yourself in your car and being like, I'll be fine as a wolf man. And then when you come to as a human, you're like,

I have ruined my car. I like the idea of the car. You've driven your car as a wolf. Where did I go? Oh, man, that's scary to me. Wake up in the ocean. Fuck. This is wetter than I remember.

Wake up in a boat. Just like a shitty version of like the Hulk, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. That's a great tagline for wolf man. like the Hulk, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. That's a great tagline for Wolfman. Like the Hulk, but bad. But shitty.

Kind of shitty. Yeah. And got by a gun. Silver bullets. All right. Well, let's explore then, I guess. So would that be bad? Like pretty bad to be shot by?

That's not great. None of them are ideal. Yeah. If we could keep our ass unbeat, that's still the best situation. That's ideal. None of these are a whim So what have we got left? Gilman

Gilman would be okay There's not really many downsides You get to eat raw fish Always wet Horny The horniest Hammer Movie monster He is very horny and he does make a wonderful sound He trills Everything so far horniest hammer movie monster. He is very horny and he does make a wonderful sound.

He trills. Everything so far is just like, oh my god. Okay, you've described, okay, what you've just described there is Gilman. Now what if I just said that's just Jackson with a sushi fetish? Yeah. It's the same thing. There's not much jump for me.

That's the best thing. The only difference is that you probably lose your beard. Yeah, the only difference is your beard, you start trilling. My teeth become sharper. Equal amounts of currently horny. So that doesn't change. I can breathe underwater. I can't do that now. I don't know where the nearest swamp is, though.

Do I? You just sit in a bath. You'd be a lazy Gilman. That's what I was wondering. Do I have to live in a swamp or could I just get in the bath here? I don't live here. That's going to be hard to come into work, sit in the bath. I'm recording from the bath now.

You're recording from your house. Who cares? Yeah, all right. Just don't come in. Also, you're just trailing now. We don't want you. Jackson, what do you think? Ah, fuck.

I'll go boil some eggs another classic jackson bailey bit all of his riffs are trilling now they gotta bring me out in one of those you know like there's animal moving handling sticks with a rope on it i'm wild at this point yeah yes yes great that you've still kept me on the podcast yeah you're unique Two joels and an aqualad Yeah absolutely Does he get any other benefits Apart from being slimy Being slimy isn't a benefit

He's got needle teeth Being slimy isn't a benefit I thought he had gums No I think he's got sharp teeth So when he gums and suckers onto my bum cheek He will tear a hefty chunk of ass That might be the worst Out of my bum cheek. He will tear a hefty chunk of arse out of your bum cheek.

At least the others are a bit more cognizant. You know what's cool about being bitten by a gill man is that the gill man is no longer the last of his kind. That's alright. Now me and the gill man can mate And make more gill men

If gill man's the last of his kind Has he ever mated before? I'll figure it out If I remember the shape of water His penis comes out of like a flap She does a mime Doesn't she go She goes like little open

So like I know what I'm dealing with And I'll just get him to OV positive some eggs into my gut She goes like, little Oathurn, and then she kind of pops through. Yeah, so I know what I'm dealing with. Yeah, she goes Oathurn, and then... And I'll just get him to OV positive some eggs into my gut or whatever goes down and shit out some Gilman babies. I'm starting to think maybe the Gilman's the worst. I don't know. Saving a species. Okay, with a Dracula.

Somebody call WW... Who's the one that looks up? David Attenborough? No, the one that looks after pand the one that looks up to pandas WWF Yeah somebody called WWF I've saved a species And you smell what the pandas are cooking

Yeah So with say a Dracula You just become We haven't really discussed Dracula We'll get to it I'm sure But like with Dracula You're a man You're cognizant

You know what's going on With a wolf boy You're cognizant for like 28 days And then suddenly I've got to eat a lamb or whatever With the mummy You're just a little bit dry Wolf man

You're a dog boy I've already mentioned him Am I missing anybody? No, thanks sir But with Gilman You're just a Gilman Yeah Frankenstein

You're still cognizant a little bit You know that fire bad But what does Gilman know? Gilman knows egg good, fuck good, live in wet. All Gilman. Mate with human woman. Let's rewind a bit. Mate with human woman.

Every Gilman wants to have sex with a human woman. That's true. And you said you're going to repopulate the species by fucking Gilman, who doesn't want to have sex with you, wants to have sex with a human woman. That's true. And you said you're going to repopulate the species by fucking Gilman, who doesn't want to have sex with you, wants to have sex with human woman. And you also probably don't want to have sex with Gilman. Because like Frankenstein,

that'd be like having sex with your creator. And Gilman does not have that quality. Damn. It sucks that I'm going to go up to Gilman and be like, hey, let's repopulate. Gilman's going to be like, dude, I just want to have sex with human woman. And I'll be like, me too.

If only you were human woman. All Gilman know is be like Dude I just wanna have sex With human woman And I'll be like All Gilman knows Me too If only you were human woman All Gilman know is Fuck woman Suck it out I go to the Gilman We figure out Oh Have to have sex

With human woman I go get a human woman Bite me on the ass And then Gilman and me Make love I pop out Gilman babies So you become then Solve the riddle

A human woman You get bitten by the Hammer Movie monster villain women. Self the riddle, shitting out gill man babies. But isn't it like the best way for you to get more

gill man is to then go and bite more people on the bum. That's what's happening. Man, I'm not getting pregnant. What is happening? Jackson. Jackson, dude. Yeah.

How did you become a Gilman? Fuck. That explains apes. Not everything. Also, I like the idea that you're like, I'm going to go bite asses. No, you're a human woman now. He's never going to get it.

He's too deep. He's never going to understand. I think Gilman's pretty bad. Yeah. Gilman's not ideal. I just don't think of, I haven't yet seen a benefit of Gilman. No. It's all bad.

Brilliant trilling voice. That's nice. Oh my God. Go to a zoo and yell at a bird. It'll make that noise back. It's fine. Hey, God. Go to a zoo and yell at a bird. It'll make that noise back. It's fine. Hey, bird! That's pretty horrible.

I'll kick you out of the zoo. Too bad I'm robbing it at the same time, so nobody's paying attention. Hey, bird, where's the fucking pandas? Where's the till? I'm robbing a zoo, baby! Go to the zookeeper. Put that panda in this unmarked bag. I just like the idea of going to the zoo and not robbing it of animals. Just going to the till and robbing a zoo, baby! Go to the zookeeper, put that panda in this unmarked bag.

I just like the idea of going to the zoo and not robbing it of animals. Just going to the till and robbing it like a regular, like a convenience store. Where's the safe? Where's the safe? Bang, bang, bang! Sir, we don't have that much money on premises. But you're at the zoo! Everybody loves giving the zoo money.

That's like $50 a ticket! You know, it's fucked. It's just animals. I can look outside. I'm going to go to Google and type in animals. I can see a dog at any time I want. There's an animal. Who cares?

You're charging $50 entry. So are there other problems you have with the zoo? Yeah. Then you get tackled. Okay, so is Dracula the last Hammington? Yeah, yeah, Dracula's all we got left. So getting bitten by Dracula. Yeah.

And becoming a Dracula Free arse liposuction accidentally That's pretty good In brackets, one cheek Can turn into bats Can turn into mist Can control wolves maybe Can control spiders

Creatures of the night Three brides Can jump off that cliff that you were talking about And not die Only at night though What? Yeah, because during the day Dracula is dodged I thought Hamlet had some talking about and not die. Only at night, though. What? Yeah, because during the day, Dracula...

Oh, right. I thought Sam had some stranger-only Dracula at night theory. No, you're right. No, no, because during the day, Dracula's dead everywhere. That's why you just wear a big hat. Oh, my God. Sunscreen. Yeah, absolutely.

I think that's how Adam Sandler... The balaclava from earlier. I think that's how Adam Sandler's Hotel Transylvania Dracula feels. That's how Adam... And how Stephen Dorff does it in Blade. I thought you were going to say that's how Adam Sandler gets around Transylvania Dracula feels. That's how Stephen Dorff does it in Blade. I thought you were going to say that's how Adam Sandler gets around. You know, Adam Sandler is a Dracula. Yeah, well, that's how he survives.

And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, plumbing is sick as cream and all, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Like, maybe you're looking for the podcast equivalent of having the flu and then taking too much cough syrup accidentally and then driving a car well then why not listen to big soft td.png a nightmare comedy podcast by comedians tom walker and demi lardner that's far better than there's any right to be do you think becoming a mist would help you in your day-to-day oh yeah okay can i get an example i love you the confidence can i get an example from either of you? Hey, Zama, can you do anything?

Where'd he go? Why is this room so misty? He became a mist to avoid his responsibilities. And I missed out the door. He thinks he's tricked us, but I know he can do this. And then I missed out the door. Bye-bye. Yeah, all right, fine.

Travelling places at a slow, misty pace. At night. Can't get wet. That's true places at a slow, misty pace. At night. Can't get wet. That's true. In the rain, become a mist. Can make other people wet with my mistiness. A little bit. When you turn back into a man,

does that mistiness then get sucked back into you? If I huff, I can make you huff me? I would do it. Huff me. Huff me. And then I'm going to turn into a man inside you and see if you pop. Hey, if I become bats and then I get those bats to go in different directions

Then I try to become a man What happens? It's just like my hand slam onto the ground somewhere Or my penis springing at full circle I think what will happen is that you'll get formed But you'll be missing chunks You know like that classic magician trick Where they cut up a card and they take a square

And then they do some magic and they pull out the card That's missing the square? That by your body. I will have literally a bat shaped hole in my front. Alternatively, maybe if you turn into bats, only one of you is the real you, so that just turns back into a man and all the other bats just drop out of the sky.

I have to collect these. Bury them. I am sad. You've got to collect them and eat them or else you keep going shorter and shorter. Each one of these bats represents a foot on my body. That's so funny for me to come back but I'm like two foot tall.

I lost my other bats. I don't know where they went. I thought I got them. Turns out they were just random wild bats. They were regular bats. Fellas help. I'm not helping you. You're embarrassing to be around. They were regular bats. Fellas, help. I'm not helping you. You're embarrassing to be around. You're too small.

Come here. I'll bite your neck. No, you can't. You can't reach my neck. I can when you go to sleep. I'll bite your ass. Oh, no. And that's how it happens. That's how they get you.

Become the size two foot tall because you lose your bats. What if I lose all of them? I just don't come back. How do you lose all your bats? Surely you have at least one. You are them. You are the bats. You're at least just one.

What if my bat's coming up and being like, yeah, I can't turn back. I've lost all my bats. Jackson. Jackson what? Yeah, dude. You're like climbing up on a table. My big bat. 30 centimeters. Where are my bats?

Jackson, aren't you a bat? Yeah, now. No. The other bats. No, well, yeah, but I can't find any of the other bats to turn back. I'm not going to tell you what you need to do. You deserve to be bats, Jackson.

Do we have to go out batting as in like looking for your bats? I guess so. I don't know. I'd just be a bat. That's just, okay. So if you don't find your bats within say a 12 hour period

and then like the sun comes up, what happens? I remain, I just never find my bats. and then the sun comes up, what happens? I just never find my bats again. Can Dracula be bats during the day? I don't think so. There's a Dracula bat. Bloodsuckers. I can control wolves now.

There are wolves at the zoo. We're back here again. Use the wolves to steal a panda. Or the money from the deal. They never suspect wolves above the till. They never suspect wolves around the till. I love the idea of a wolf bat coming at the till at a zoo and then just staring

at it all just looking being like huh. Rub the till for me wolves. Just turning doing that dog head on the side thing. No get in there. But then like also the dog getting up against the till and just pouring at it I guess all of them

Howling at it Oh no Oh and that's like Inside Like a howl That would be real loud It's true Then I'll be shot to death

By the cops Or die though That's true You can still put Dracula In jail You can absolutely Put Dracula in jail That's pretty intense

Arrest Dracula If you get As a Dracula Get shot in the heart Do you die? No only if you get shot You can absolutely put Dracula in jail. That's pretty intense. Arrest Dracula. If you as a Dracula get shot in the heart, do you die? No, only if you get shot with a wooden stake from a gun that fires wooden stakes. Because surely it's the impact of the... No, it's a wooden stake. Yes, it doesn't count. It's going to be a wooden stake. Why would?

Well, it's like garlic counts, but onion doesn't. Yeah, we've been through this. Keep up. Or like running water counts, but still water doesn't. we've been through this keep up you know or like running water counts but still water doesn't or being in a home count someone's home counts but you have to be invited in where just a property if you're sleeping as dracula yes it's a day later obviously i crack open your coffin i get a nail file and just file away your teeth yeah they grow back presumably it depends what the coffin is you might open it during the day and you just killed Dracula I'm not him I guess I just wanted to inconvenience him

Man, nobody's ever killed Dracula by dragging his coffin out the front Dracula being like Oh no, no, no Just put bricks on the top, it's easy to kill a Dracula Stay in there What about a crossbow? It's gotta be a wooden stake It's wood!

It's gotta be a stake made of wood Those are the parameters of Dracula. What about a bow and arrow? There is no loophole. A bow and arrow, that's all wood. No, it doesn't count. How? Is it a stake?

What's the difference? Is it a stake? Was it made to be a stake? I was made to be a stake. I get a stake, a wooden stake, and I keep whittling because I'm bad at it. Is it a stake? And then it comes into a very thin stake. Then it counts. Yeah, it counts. Is it a stake? It's a thin stake. Yeah, it counts. bad at it. Is it a steak? And then it comes into like a very thin steak. Then it counts.

Yeah, it counts. Is it a steak? It's a thin steak. Yeah, it counts. Unless, you know, it's an arrow. Then it doesn't count. Yeah. Okay, what if I get a very thick arrow?

It doesn't count. It looks like a steak. Hey, quick question, dude. Is it a steak? Is it a steak? If someone didn't know. We're playing our favourite game show, is it a steak?

Okay, so it's a big steak. It doesn't matter if he knows or not. It just needs to be a steak. Yeah. You can be like, hey, Dracula, this is a fucking hammer and put it in him. But if it's actually a steak, dead. He does.

So what if it's a big, thick arrow? Doesn't matter. It's an arrow. It's an arrow. It's a thick arrow. I'm like, well, couldn't Dracula get stabbed with him? That's a thick arrow. Is a big cat a dog?

No, it's a big cat. You're arguing my point. No, we're not. He is. No, he's not. If you make a big cat a dog? No, it's a big cat. You're arguing my point. No, we're not. He is. No, he's not. If you make a big arrow. Yes. That's not a steak.

You've said it's a big arrow. If you get a steak and turn it into an arrow, that's a steak. Okay, what if my intention is to make a big arrow? Well, then you've made an arrow. It's come out like a steak. Doesn't matter. You made an arrow. It's intent.

Then if I was to get someone in here to be like, there's an actual steak And this big arrow I fucked up Doesn't matter if they can tell the difference That's not the question I cannot tell the difference Doesn't matter The steak is the one that'll kill Dracula

How does Dracula know? Dracula doesn't know Dracula doesn't know That's just the rules Those are the parameters of Dracula Here's a hot dog, a sandwich I will blast you Doesn't matter

Those are the parameters Those are the rules of Dracula Hey that's a big cat It's a dog No It's a big cat Exactly There it is

Nothing you can do Okay So if Dracula could get Keep trying to loophole this No I'm asking these questions If Dracula can only get killed by a cat Yes And I get a dog

And I say this is a big cat Then that doesn't count It's a dog But if I get a big If I get a cat And I say this is a big cat. That doesn't count. It's a dog. But if I get a cat and I say this is a dog, what happens? The cat will kill Dracula. The cat kills Dracula. Okay.

Yeah. So if you've got a steak, it's a steak. Even if you say this steak is a sandwich, it's still a steak. So if I get a big, again, it's a big, it's a steak. It doesn't matter, you made an arrow. Is it an arrow or is it a steak? Well, it is a steak, but I'm like, it's an arrow. Did you make a steak or an arrow?

Well, I don't know what I made. I made a sharp, pointy thing. The only issue is, if you don't know what you've made, then it's still not a steak. Then it won't kill Dracula, even though it is a steak. Yeah, but it's not a steak. You don't know what you made. So if I pick up a cat and I'm like, what is this? It doesn't matter.

That's a cat. It will kill Dracula. No, see, a cat's easier because the cat is a cat. A cat's a cat no matter what you do. Yeah, you can call a cat a dog as much as you want, but it's still a cat. It's still going to's a cat It will kill Dracula No see a cat's easier Because the cat is a cat Cat's a cat no matter what you do Yeah you can call a cat a dog As much as you want But it's still a cat It's still gonna be a cat

You didn't make a cat If you just If you make a shaft of wood With a point If you don't know what that is I don't know okay A quick question Am I bleeding from the nose?

It's so easy It's so simple It's so It makes so much sense Am I If you make a steak Have I had a stroke? If you make a steak... Have I had a stroke?

If you make a steak and you kill Dracula with a steak, he dies. If you make anything else, no matter if it looks identical to the steak you made, it won't kill Dracula. Because it's not a steak. It's not a steak. It's something else. If you give Dracula any other fucking herb or vegetable that's not garlic, will it upset him?

No. If it's garlic, yes. Does it look like garlic? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's not garlic. I upset him? No. If it's garlic, yes. Does it look like garlic? It doesn't matter. I'm going to make a chopped up onion and I go to my bowl that I keep the garlic and the onion in and I grab garlic

and then I chop it up and I'm like aha, chopped onion. It doesn't matter, it's garlic. It's not about what you think. Who cares what you think? It's what you make. not about what you think. Who cares what you think? It's what you make. It's what it is. And if it is a steak, it'll kill Dracula. So I'm like, aha, I'm going to make a big arrow,

but I accidentally make a steak. You can't accidentally make a steak because you made a big arrow. I just did. No, you made a big arrow. The intention also counts. You've got to mean to make a steak. So then the garlic wouldn't kill it. No.

Because garlic is garlic no matter what. A dog is a cat. You don't make garlic. A dog is a cat. A dog is a dog and mean to make a steak. So then the garlic wouldn't kill it. No. Because garlic is garlic no matter what. A dog is a cat. You don't make garlic. A dog is a dog and a cat is a cat. You throw garlic. I've never felt cleverer. Maybe you're frank. Maybe you got bit by frank and stuff. No. Me and Dusha are talking sense. A steak is a steak.

Things that aren't a steak are not steaks. And a steak is what kills Dracula I feel very powerful right now Yeah this is the smartest I've ever felt I feel like I've had an aneurysm Well that's your fault Is it an aneurysm or is it just a headache

Yeah hard to say I feel like this is all now in my mind And like this is like You guys are just standing over me And I'm dead And I'm just envisioning all this So which one have we decided is the worst to be bitten by? I think maybe the worst is Gilman, still

Yeah, I think we kind of hit the nail on the head When we imagined having one of our entire arse cheeks sucked off Yeah, I think the moment we imagined that Hey, quick question If you got a big Gilman hickey on one bum cheek, would you then just- Ask for it again? Well, yeah, just for evenness sake. Yeah.

So you got two big red- Finish off the job. Exactly. Hey, Gilman. Gilman, come on. Finish where it just started. So if you have like one Gilman on one cheek, another Gilman on the other cheek, you're running like two flags flying in the wind.

Can you become a more powerful Gilman? Yeah. Well, let's say. Why not? Yeah, that'd be the worst because then you'd be trilling extra hard. Grrr, grrr, grrr.

I think, yeah. Gilman's the worst to get bitten by. Yeah, I think absolutely we're on the money there. Because you can continue at least some of your regular life as any of the other characters,

but Gilman fucks everything up. Like Dracula, sure, you've got to shift everything from your daytime activities to your nightman activities. Absolutely. With the mummy, you're just a little bit dry. I mean, sure, with Frankenstein

your cares no longer exist because you're dumb as shit. Which one is the most fragile of the movie? The mummy. Mummy, you can get caught in the door and then it's all over. Can I enter a light entrant in this Hammer movie monster? No, there's strict rules.

Dang. Just like with Dracula. No, that makes sense. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Uh-huh. Yeah. Bitten by him. Am I bitten by him as Jekyll or Hyde? Well, he's the same no matter what, so it doesn't matter. I reckon that you turn into Mr. Hyde half as much as Mr. Hyde turns into Mr or Hyde? He's the same no matter what, so it doesn't matter. I reckon that you turn into Mr Hyde half as much

as Mr Hyde turns into Mr Hyde. It's a dilution process. Kind of like with the shitty wolfman. So if I bit someone on the arse, they would be like, yeah, occasionally I become a mildly worse version of myself. Some days I'm angry and I don't know why. I'm real good for a Snickers ad, but that's about it. Yeah, yeah.

Everything else, meh. I would like to get it so diffused that you couldn't even tell. I've got faint Dr. Jekyll ancestry. Do you think your... Wait, which one was the good one and which one was the bad one? Dr. Jekyll is the good one. Yeah, because he's got a doctorate. Yeah, yeah, no, that's fair.

They're both not great. Hey, it's crazy that Mr. Hyde didn't get Dr. Jekyll's doctorate. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. They're both not great. Hey, it's crazy that Mr Hyde didn't get Dr Jekyll's doctorate. They're the same guy. Yeah, but he's not doing doctor stuff. He's still a doctor. The body's a doctor, but the mind is where the doctor is from. But it's the same mind, really. No, it's not.

They're two different people. No, it's the same person sharing a... That's why you don't have Dr Banner and Dr Hulk again. The Hulk's a different situation. Well, then you get Professor Hulk. Spoilers for Endgame, I'm so sorry. Oh my God, what have I done? And also I assume that's the Hulk's choice, you know?

Am I dumb or am I clod? Clod, smart. Wow. It's cool to see someone answer their question in the question. I went to say clever and smart at the same time. Smartest man in the universe, Joel Dusha. That's Dr. Dusha to you. What do you think your Mr. Hyde would be like?

What is the bit of you you're hiding from society? Imagine mine's nice. Oh, I get it now. Just a kind Dusha. Hey, are you the other one? Yeah. Yes, thank you for asking. How's your day?

I don't like this douche. He seems nice. I'm suspicious of him. I'm weary. Somehow you managed to give. Yeah, as my Mr. Hart, I'm like, yeah, of course. How was your day? Also, it doesn't matter what a steak is.

Don't worry. I'm sorry we put you through that. I don't know, but guys, something's happening. Am I bleeding from the nose again? I like to imagine that Dr. Doucher and Mr. Joel. That Mr. Joel. No, that Dr. Doucher manages somehow to give Mr. Joel a swirly and just exercises it from his body.

Go into the toilet and see you somehow holding yourself up by your legs and dunking your own head in the toilet. Oh, he's sorting it out. He's working. He's working through some stuff. He's done it. Hey, how did you imagine that looking? I'm real curious. Um, so pretty much just imagine me, but

flipped, but then hands holding onto my legs, wherever I can reach. I imagined half and half. I imagine like holding down the middle yeah i guess it would just kind of look like you were dunking your head in the toilet yeah i would still be like he's working through some stuff i feel a bit like because like one hand like on the back of his head trying to dunk it the other hand trying to like rip it off yeah yeah yeah yeah we'd be like eventually struggle while he's trying to trip himself up with his

own foot yeah yeah yeah i imagine in the end you'd come out and just be fine again. I got rid of that annoying cunt. Yeah, that one that wouldn't stop asking how other people are. Yeah, he's dead now. Yeah. He's fucking good. Anyway, I ordered Uber Eats, but just for me. And then you'd push me into the bin.

I'm so happy douche is back. Enjoy your new house, idiot. This is much more comfortable for me. I like to imagine I don't change. No. Oh. Oh, I feel different. Oh, wait.

No. Turns out I'm always exactly as I am. Is the Invisible Man a Hammer movie monster? He could be. Being invisible would be a little bit right. Yeah. Because also as you're running down. The stream's right. Yeah. Because also as you're running down. The stream's gone too long.

Also as you're running down and you trip over and you feel like teeth sink into you, you're like, oh no. Well, I wouldn't run. I'd just be in the middle of a crowd and have my arse bit. What is going on? Who's this? Who's biting my arse?

And then one day you look at the mirror and there's no one there and you're like, am I a Dracula? What's happening? And then I'd try and fly or become rats. What would be your Invisible Man outfit? I think I would just go pants. Two gloves.

Two gloves are scary. Condom. Wow. Bold and awesome. I would dip both ass cheeks in paint yes people would be like what the hell is this just floating in the oh my god it's a bomb silly strings all over your body so i'm a bit drippy yeah no that's great man it's good it's fun if you're the invisible man you just get to pick which bits of you are visible yeah hey is no, I was going to be like, is the Invisible Man's blood visible? No, it's not

because it's in him. We'd be able to see it otherwise. But if you cut yourself within the blood. I would drink silver and you'd be able to see what my guts look like as I die. Wait, what's happening? That jar of molten silver is going in. Oh, it's Jack.

I can hear some screaming. He's doing that thing that they do to Ant Hills to his body. Actually, everyone would know where you are, Jackson, because you'd always be singing this fucking song or saying, like, I am Turok. Jackson, are you in the room? I can also tell from the pants. Oh, shit.

And then you see the pants take themselves off. And then just an R. Oh, I forgot I painted this. Crap. Don't look. And then you can tell that I Oh, I forgot I painted this. Crap, don't look. And then you can tell that I've put my hands on my arse. Jackson, please. There is a scent in the room.

I know you have peeled back your cheeks and I hate this. It's not intentional. I just don't want you to know where I am. And then I run forward, trip on my own pants, arse cheeks in the air, little fart. We can hear that. A gill man comes and just suckers onto the cheek. Oh, it'll clean off the paint, thank goodness.

And then you just slowly turn back into a man and then into a gill man. The worst hammer of a monster to be bitten by. 100%, yeah? Yeah. We knew it from the beginning. Yeah, going in. No one who clicked,

no one who was listening to this was like, they're going to come up with something else. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been right. Avoid Gilman and I assume steak. A steak is a steak.

It's the one. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit

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Goodnight for now but not forever kisses