Plumbing the Death Star - Which Hammer Movie Monster Would Run the Best Crime Family? (Ft. Alexei Toliopoulos)

Episode Date: July 21, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio goes great with chili jam. and decided it's about time we did something. So if you head to sanspantstees.com, you'll find all our tour T-shirts, as well as the classic Plumbing the Death Star logo, all going for only five quid. That's right. Every single tour T-shirt Plumbing the Death Star has ever had, get posh, get cooked in the 2017 UK tour, plus the T-shirt George Lucas doesn't want you to see the classic original Plumbing the Death Star tee,

all for five quid, a steal. So once's sanspants teas.com for all your plumbing needs there are limited sizes so get in while stocks last hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like which Hammer movie monster would run the best crime family? And welcome to the show, Alexi. Hello, Alexi Toliopoulos speaking here. This is my voice. You recognise who I am now. And once you hear my voice chiming in, you will know that it's me and my personality is cute.

Right. Okay. So the Hammer movie monsters, as we all recall, are Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, Gilman. Am I missing anyone? Oh, can I? Sorry, I just realized that's Universal Monsters. Yeah. Hammer is like the English version of that rip that has all of them but Gilman. am I missing anyone? Sorry, I just realised that's Universal Monsters. Hammer is like the English version that has all of them

but Gilman. Because Gilman was invented. So we can have the other ones in public domain. Gilman's like the best one. I love Gilman. That guy rolls. He's so horny. He's obsessed with chicks, Gilman. He's the horniest monster.

Well, that's funny because I think for the last two Hammer movie mods, I've been calling them Hammer movie mods. They're the same. That's good. It's just the addition of Gilman that changes things. And by the way, Hammer sounds cooler than Universal. It sounds so nice. Because it makes you imagine a hammer.

Yes. A hammer is much more powerful than a universe. I'll make that claim. Okay, so let's go. I reckon Dracula. Dracula would be a very good mob boss. He'll make that claim. Okay, so let's go. I reckon Dracula. Dracula would be a very good mob boss. Why? He would destroy the game.

Yes. Yeah, look, you're right. I think he's too good. Yeah. Well, what I think about Dracula is Dracula can't, well, no, Dracula can't die just under very specific circumstances. He's like, hey, we need you to do a whack on the mob boss in the hand your briefcase you open it up and it's just a steak a wooden steak hey can you kill a dracula by chopping

off its head is that like a dead dead situation or does he like just cackle away he's like ah it turns into two my life has become harder yes but i am not the dead i think dracula is like the one you like immediately go to. Okay, he's got slicked back hair. That's a mob boss staple. He's got beautifully slicked back hair. And also like most mobster movies, mobster popular culture, he is strongly tied to an ethnic group.

That's true. And often it is, yes, a fictional Transylvanian type, yes, Romanian ethnic group, or, you know, it's not a real place perhaps sometimes. Imagine getting picked up by two tough-looking, shaved-head Transylvanian mobsters, and they're like, we're going to bring you before the boss,

and you're like, fuck, and then it's drag speed. You're like, oh, this is less scary. Yeah, what's that metal for? You've got a little metal dangling in between your cloak. Easy to protect yourself against. I think that's a problem. Right. Well, actually, I'm in two minds, right?

Because I'm like, it's easy to kill a Dracula, but it's actually harder to kill a Dracula than a human. Yeah, it's true. It's kind of stuff. Yes, Dracula is kind of easy to kill, has weaknesses. Yes. But so does a mob boss Just a human being you can shoot

You can't shoot Dracula And also you can put A mob boss, a human mob boss In jail like a federal prison For tax evasion I don't know if I could do that to a Dracula What would happen Say you imprison Dracula

And he's in there for 70 years and he doesn't age. What happens? What is the legislature for immortals in prison? It's like, well, we thought we'd put you in here for life, but you only got 99 years so you're just hanging out. I guess you can go. The biggest problem

with imprisoning Dracula for Dracula is that hour of daylight that he has to get. That's true. You're in the yard. Please. No! But I guess that is another plus for it.

I mean, underworld culture, it is a nightlife culture. That's true. And the vamps rule the nightlife, as we know. Absolutely do. Is Dracula's crime family a crime family of lesser Draculas

with Vlad himself at the top? Mr Impaler. Yes. Mr Impaler. Good for intimidation. Yeah, exactly. Very good. Yeah, so is it a Dracula crime family, like a vampire crime family,

or is it Dracula and then just humans? I would say. Chattel, as it were. I would say the inner circle would be lesser Draculas. Plus, you've got to imagine the drama of the Brides of Draculas. Oh, yeah. That's going to be some entertaining TV. The Brides of Draculas.

And I can't wait to see the Gumars of Draculas as well. All those beautiful mistresses of the dark. Yeah. I think it would have to be, if I go by the typical Godfather, Goodfellas, Sop soprano hierarchy of mafioso, which I have extensive knowledge in. I grew up with a Scarface poster on my wall. I bought it.

It wasn't an heirloom or anything. No, no, no. I had it on my wall and I can speak to this. I think there's a thing called getting made, to take the omerta, if you will. And that is only a fully fledged Italiano can do it. So I think it will be a similar thing where it's like you get to a certain point,

you make your bones, maybe you do your first hit, you kill someone for the first time or you suck someone's blood for the first time. And then they're like, okay, welcome in. I will transform you into a Transylvanian vampire. Every made man gets a cowl. Yeah.

Red-lined cape. Welcome to the family. You're in. Welcome to the family. Ha, ha, ha. In the tradition of it, they prick your finger and then you burn a saint in your hand, like a little paper version of a saint.

So I think it would just be like, you know, you put your finger in Dracula's mouth, he gives a little nibble, and now you're officially a vampire. That's just the least cool. Like, Dracula sucking on your finger, you're like, I did it, I guess. So just a little bit

of blood, that's all I need, now you're a vampire. Now I'm a madman. Good, I guess. I suppose, right. Dracula, can you stop sucking on my finger? No. Just like, there's nothing less intimidating than Dracula like, and you're like, I don't know if I want to be part of this family anymore. Okay, now you're going to dress like me.

Put on your red lined cape. Oh, I got it. Okay. Look, I see your hairstyle. Can it be more buffy? You know? A buffon, if you want. That's cool, right?

White and big and buffy. Can you make it look like two giant balls? That's what I want. You need the head titties. If you want to be a real Dracula. I'm not sure that I do anymore. But that sucks because, I mean, I guess it's probably the same with a made man. But once you're a vampire, there's no going back.

Exactly. Once you're in the mob, you're in the mob. Well, that's true. This is almost like the perfect translation. Someone could make a wonderful movie with this concept. It's out there in the open now. It's really, I still can't stop imagining Dracula getting imprisoned and then dying in the yard the first time.

Day one. Day one, they open up the gate and he just, like, ash, and they're like, oh, my God. Who's responsible for this? What do we say happened? Because you can't say one of our prisoners became ash. It's just not a choice. Because there's a lot of advantages of having a Dracula as a mob boss,

but then all the week, because, again, crime happens during daylight. It does. You've got to do some daylight crime. That's when you go out, you get your protection money, you do all that. So what are you sending out? Like your little Dracula acolytes. You know the people that they've charmed into the exactly. Sending them out.

But it seems easy. So like, you know, sure, getting a gun to a mob boss is hard. Getting a UV light not as hard. Exactly. In Dracula's face, he's ash in the chair. Oh no, mob boss. Crime family destroyed.

Can we incorporate some blade rules here? Absolutely. I would never say no to blade rules. Are we operating under blade rules currently? That's what I need to know. So we can use SPF 50 sunscreen and motorcycle visors. Okay, this works. He's looking fly.

He looks like he's at a Florida retirement village right now. But also like this is now I'm, now if you're putting this back into the real world, you know, you've got to get the families together, all the crimes. So you can say they have to do a sit down. I mean,

obviously, you know, like we said, there's a lot of Italian people involved in crime. They're sitting down over a nice pasta fuzzula sometimes. That's true. It is chock-load of garlic. Oh, my God.

Dracula's dead. You've just eliminated the entire syndicate right there. The moment the Don is like, sit down for a plate of spaghetti with me. And Dracula's like, oh, no. I must be polite. I'm undone. Yeah, Dracula can't fuck with the Don. That's such a tense scene.

It shouldn't be, but Dracula slowly twirling the spaghetti. Putting it up to his lips. His little, like, acolytes being like, no, no. Vlad, for the family. Then he bursts into flame or whatever happens. Easy to punish, I guess, for like the dawn. Which I guess is good. Yeah, but easy to kill. All you gotta do is feed him spaghetti

and he dies. I will never be able to take a mob boss seriously who can be killed by spaghetti. Not at all. You know, that's the con there for mob boss Dracula. Can we run Dracula through some scenarios? I sure want to. Classic sort of like, you know, mafioso type things. So dealing with a snitch

Oh god Snitching on the family It's no good Extremely frowned upon In the crime industry Extremely Terrible few crime families Are pro it

It's true It's the thing that I hate the most I'd say But what's weird With Dracula Is that I'm like He sucks his blood

But that's gonna be My answer to everything Yeah but the thing is If he sucks his blood though if he doesn't do it like yeah good enough he becomes a vampire and then he's made you know another vampire that kind of hates him it's kind of like if the way they dealt with snitches was by accidentally making the made man yeah but I think that is the way that maybe that's not a problem for them because all they're like the underlings they would most likely be people that are charmed by them in that kind of familiar way or whatever.

They become their servants, their slaves, their undying supporters or they're people that are obsessed with trying to fuck a vampire. They're not going to give up on that for any minute. They're not going to snitch. There's a chance they're going to bring in some true blood rules now. I've been operating under true blood rules now. This is good. I've been operating under true blood rules the entire time.

I've been operating under Cirque the Freak, the vampire's assistant rules. So it's all John C. Reilly that I'm picturing this whole time. But like, I think that's,

you know, that's the way. I think you're right. There's very few snitches. There's just wooden bait. And then once you're in, you can't get out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the best thing, if they do have a snitch who hasn't been charmed, then you charm them. And what a great punishment for just snitches. And then once you're in, you can't get out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the best thing, if they do have a snitch who hasn't been charmed, then you charm them. And what a great punishment for a snitch. Yeah, absolutely. Being charmed and now having to be oiled forever. Exactly. Fuck.

All right, well, give us another scenario. We'll run each of the dons through these scenarios as well. I'm trying to think. What other kind of classic? Dealing with therapy. Okay. Dracula's got so much fucking baggage. Are we analysing this or are we Sopranos-ing this?

Which rules are we under? Who's a therapy? Dr. Melfi or Billy Crystal? Billy Crystal! That's right. We're analysing this then. Did I have to ask? Yes, because I want to double check

that we're going Billy Crystal for this. Okay, well allow me to gaze into my Billy Crystal ball and see what's going on in this scenario. I think, well, that makes it tough because does this doctor make house calls? He can't go out during the day. That's true. Therapy is a daytime thing.

You go, you sit, you take a coffee. And Dracula's going to be most anxious during the day. Yeah. It's not a good time for him to see a therapist. And I just don't think Dracula's... He's kind of clammed up, you know? Dracula's, he's not a good time for him to see a therapist. And I just don't think Dracula's, he's kind of clammed up, you know. Dracula's, he's a stiff guy. He's not going to be able to let

it all loose. And I think the moment he does let it loose, he's going to be a little bit less scary and intimidating for the rest of the mob. If it is a daylight activity, which it 100% is, he's going to come into that office smelling like sunscreen. And you know Billy Crystal is going to make a quip at that.

Absolutely. You know he is. You'll be in hysterics. You will not be able to handle this. Billy Crystal will make some sort of character up. Maybe he'll make a gag that tags back to the vaudevillian days of old. And Dracula himself probably saw a lot of vaudeville. He loved that shit.

He will be in tears on the floor. He's like, oh, my God, I can't believe you're tied to the Borscht belt. Borscht, of course, the most similar liquid to blood that there is. It's like getting on so many levels. Maybe this is good for Dracula. It needs a laugh. God, we got to make a Billy Crystal vampire comedy. This is it.

This is the one. Analyze this. Analyze that. Perfect. So I think he handles therapy well. Yeah, absolutely. But, you know, it's difficult. All right, let's move on to some other dons because we've got a lot of fellas together.

Okay, so our criteria so far is dealing with a snitch. Snitch and therapy. That's what being a mob boss is. Yeah, exactly. Wolfman. Wolfman. Okay. Rapid.

He's intimidating. Yeah. He's only Wolfman for a bit. For a exactly. Wolfman. Wolfman. Okay. Rapid. He's intimidating. Yeah. Very intimidating. He's only wolfman for a bit. For a bit. Every month. Right? Isn't that how wolfman works? Yeah. Full moon style. Yeah. Are we going full moon style or again are we using like true blood or maybe the werewolf with Benicio Del Toro where he's like

a little bit wolfy. Oh, well he's a wolfman. He's not a werewolf. That's true. We could be going Twilight rules where I think it's's a wolf man. He's not a werewolf. That's true. We could be going Twilight Rules where I think it's whenever they want to. It's just a big wolf. Whenever they get stuck, whenever they get sick of clothes or something. Okay, so, all right, Twilight Rules.

So it's a topless man in tiny shorts. Yeah, he's got cargo shorts littered around the neighborhood that he can just pick up at any point if he needs to. It's so funny to imagine, like, the underlings of the mob boss pulling on his jean shorts. Or, a tailor you know the classic mob like getting getting sort of like fitted for a suit fitted for some long jorts but to be honest if i was told i'm gonna meet the don

uh or the alpha you know for for wolves or whatever and they're like we're taking you into into his room and it's just a big wolf. Not only am I confused, I'm also terrified. Yeah. I am extremely terrified. But then he's going to have to transform back into a human to talk to me. I'm going to be less terrified, more confused, and then question his shorts.

He's going to be like, anyway, I'm going to be like, wait a second. What's up with this? Jorts. Hey, Don, are you wearing jorts? What are you keeping in those pockets down there? You've got eight pockets on these pants. Do you need that? Are you going to go for a run later?

And your boxers are hanging out over the top of them? I'm not intimidated by this. Are you not cold, Don? It's chilly in here and you're just topless. Well done on the upper muscular strength thing. You look great. I can tell you are cold. All six of your nipples are erect.

Pros, though. Six nipples. Hack mentality. Six nipples, less runts. You've got less runts in the family if you're feeding with six. Tell me you're not intimidated by this. You enter and the mob boss is lying there as six wolf pups suckle at his nipples.

And he's like, welcome, take a seat. My children will be... Full grown muscly men. My children will only be a moment longer. I am fucking terrified. I am scared. I'm sitting there like, will I be forced to suck one of his nipples later?

Is that what's about to happen? Please, can I offer you a nipple? For the family. I'm dying. And what if it's great? Yeah. Like, holy shit, nothing nourishes better than wolf juice.

Delicious wolf milk. All right, pro six nipples and delicious wolf milk. I'm liking the wolf milk. Oh, my God. Pro six nipples and delicious wolf milk. I'm liking the wolf milk. He's all right. That can be their cover. It's like, yes, we produce a very nourishing Yakult-like milk. I am presuming it tastes exactly like Yakult. Oh, now I'm all for it. I love the flavor of Yakult.

This rules. One of the great flavors is Yakult. It's so good. It's a milk-like substance. It's a bit yogurty. But who knows what it is. It's a bit yoghurt-y for some reason. Yeah, is it dairy? No one's ever told me.

It's full of bacteria, but good bacteria. And I guarantee you this wolf juice is full of bacteria. It definitely is. But you know, they milk, they can milk them, and that's like their cover job. Yeah, exactly. In The Godfather, they had olive oil. In this, they have your cult from milk.

From the wolf tit Wolf milk Wolf titty milk Is it just called wolf milk? Wolf from the titty milk Wolf from the titty milk Wow this is thick It's so nourishing And again we're talking about

Becoming a made man Just getting bit Yeah absolutely By the mob boss Which is a lot more intimidating And kind of cooler than Dracula sucking you from a finger. Although it could end up the same thing

where your hand is in his mouth. Yeah, but if he's just a big wolf, that's a bit scary. Yeah, he can early do it in wolf form. That's true. Like if I got bit by Taylor Lawton just tomorrow, do I become a werewolf? Because does he have that power? I don't know.

Is it in his teeth? Is it in his saliva? I'm not sure. But if I do become I become a werewolf? Because does he have that power? I don't know. Is it in his teeth? Is it in his saliva? I'm not sure. But if I do become bit by a werewolf, do I also get it like ripped? Oh, that's true. I assume yes. God, there's never been fiction of a werewolf where it's a fat guy. Yeah, I want a werewolf with a belly.

That rolls. I want the John Candy werewolf movie immediately. Oh, my God. Give me that. Yeah, because I don't know. Because all of the boys in werewolf movie immediately. Oh, my God. Give me that. Yeah, because I don't know. Because all of the boys in Twilight do work out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe that's just happenstance.

Well, once a month they get a great run in. Oh, that's true. It's a four-legged, it's a four-limbed run. So you're working everything out. Does that translate? If I work out as a wolf, will I get muscly as a man? I don't know if that would. It's a different body. These guys are like hitting up the gym they're doing that gtl

shit absolutely yeah like if i as a wolf grab it like a dumbbell with my mouth and do like an exercise where i'm like moving it from like place a to place b when i transform back into a hunky man my jaw just thick yeah yeah you got that dorsal fin. Because surely a wolf works out different muscles to a person running. So that means that you would get the wolf's muscles worked out on your body. Can someone who knows muscles draw that?

Because I really want to know if that's like massive biceps and thighs. I'll make one further request. You say someone that knows muscles do that. I want someone who has no idea what muscles do or anything to also give it a shot. Let me pose this question to you boys. Alright, so, okay. As a werewolf,

as a wolf, as a giant wolf, I have a tail. Sure. I get my good friend to strap some weights on that tail. Oh, wow. I wag the shit out of that tail. I am wagging 24-7. I transform back into a man. Yep.

If anybody touches the little bit of skin around your tailbone, they are like, what? This is strong as heck. What the fuck? Yeah, where does that work? I don't know. That's just lost work. That's what that is.

I don't like the Dracula. No, the Wolfman mark. Yeah, they're very strange. They's what that is. I don't like the Dracula. No, the wolf man mob. Yeah. They're very straight. They're unsettling me. Okay, well, let's deal with the snitch. How are they dealing with the snitch? Are they consumed?

Well, no. No, because they would ostracize it. Oh, that's true. And now you've got a lone wolf situation. Oh, no. Oh, and you do not want to be dealing with a lone wolf. Never good. Obviously, they are vindictive and vendetta-fuelled, which is mob shit.

That's true. They're kind of fits in. Yeah, absolutely. I would say not great at dealing with snitches. Yeah, the wolfman mobs. Things aren't looking good for the wolfman mob. And again, with the wolfman or the werewolf, a lot of them is about pride and honour and that kind of stuff.

And dealing with a snitch, I mean, sure, you've disappointed the family. But big whoop. Yeah, yeah, whatever. You're not getting whacked with a baseball bat. You've got to go to the edge of the woods and leave. That's true. Oh, no. You're not allowed in the city anymore.

Well, that's probably good for me. You're banished. I've pissed off a lot of people, so sweet works out. See ya. In terms of being a snitch for the wolf family, really easy as an FBI informant that's wearing a wire because if you turn into a wolf, that just goes inside you. No one can see that.

That is true. Or maybe they're harder to penetrate because you would have to be a wolfman, presumably, to be in them. So they've got a heightened smell, I'm guessing, that can sniff you out. I mean, what if the undercover, the Donnie Brasco of this universe, it is like a man, and then they also get a canine unit

to come in once a month. It's like, all right, here's all my notes. It's Black Klansman style. It's like they pass it off to another, one has to play the other. That's another movie I'd like to see. We're just making just beautiful hybrid horror movies right now. Left, right and centre.

And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, Plumbing the Death Star is a garbage fire of a podcast that you for some reason love, but did you know we produce at least eight other podcasts? Like, maybe you wish the Plumbing Boys would stop talking about whether or not Mario is good to marry and start to talk about whether or not his game is good to play. If this sounds like you,

then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for Thumb Cramps, a video game review podcast that's far better not his game is good to play. If this sounds like you, then why not head to SandsPantsRadio.com and search for Thumb Cramps, a video game review podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. All right, therapy for Wolfman. Wolfman's angry, you know. Wolfman's got a lot of rage with him. But would you go to a therapist or a dog therapist? Well, a dog therapist, is that a real job?

Yeah. Well, there's TV shows about it, I'm sure. You have just made enemies of the dozen of dog therapists that listen to this show. You're a dog therapist that listens to us. That fucking rules. Right. But also, I'm calling you out. I don't know if your work is legitimate. It's like he's coming in going like, I'm having trouble sleeping.

I've got anxiety. Then what? He gets squirted with a little water bottle? It's like, no, no, no, no. That's not how you do it uh what's the guy's name we just like he's like grabs if the dogs misbehaven the reality show guy i reckon his name is caesar is my guess yeah him that guy also if you're a wolf yeah you're underlings call him like a dog traitor yeah what the fuck do you have the problem because of the way wolves work that if your therapist

uses training techniques to become the alpha of you, then the therapist now runs the mob? Oh no. That seems like a legitimate concern. Honestly, I thought that we invented the perfects and then therapy has destroyed it all.

There it is. And Crystal would be having a laugh with this hairy boy in the room. He would be making so many dog jokes. It would be great. Would you like to sit in the chair or would you prefer the floor? Exactly. He'd be all over it. You want a glass of water or a bowl on the floor?

Everything's on the floor with him. Just big bunch. And kind of looking at his leg and being like, don't. Are you going to hump my leg? On the floor, perhaps? That's a weird move. Wolfman, you're out.

Yeah, Wolfman mob, no good. Not working out. Mummy. A dry mob. Far too dry. Not a touch of moisture to be seen. One of the most bristle characters known to man. Yeah.

It's very funny to have like a, I don't know, like a drop. Like you're exchanging drugs for money and the other mob being like, damn, they were dry. You notice they were dry? I think I snorted some of his finger. We shook hands and most of it came off in my hand. Problem with a mummy. So you can become a vampire.

You can become a wolfman. You can't become a mummy. A mummy bites you, you just get sick. I think, well, are we going by Dark Universe, Tom Cruise mummy rules? Because I think he might have been bitten to become the mummy. I don't remember exactly what happens in that movie, but he does become a mummy by the end. No one remembers that film.

And if you say you do, you're lying. It barely exists. It's one of the great lost movies. I will say yes, he gets bit to become a mummy. Okay, so if a mummy bites you, you become a mummy. How does that work? Do you develop bandages? No, no, no, yes.

I would assume, well, there's all the telltale signs where you get two eyes. Oh, that's right. Dark universe rules. Is that what happens? He has two pupils per eye. Is it dark universe rules or is it Tim Allen's the Santa Claus rules?

Where slowly over time you become a mummy and you get rid of the bandages in the mirror and then you look up again and, oh, no, my bandages are back. I'm an ancient Egyptian mummy. I reckon, yeah, Tim Allen rules. Here's a problem with a mummy in charge of a mob, is that the mummy just makes this noise.

And cannot give orders. Also, the mummy is very slow. I was going to say dry. I cannot express. Again, if you're serving up a delicious plate of pasta, you want a little bit of liquid in that sauce. It's going to be so dry Hey but it's hard You can't

Like a drive-by for a mummy is not a big deal Like if the Italian mob drives by Pulls out a Tommy gun and riddles a mummy full of bullets Whatever They're fine with it He's fine But anyway he's happy He's quicker now

Back to Brendan Fraser rules The guy can just turn into dust and destroy a city. That's true. Wow, mummies are powerful. I forgot about black magic. Yeah, but only near sand. That's true. Okay, so not too much of that shit in the city.

Yeah, that's true. Sand pits in playgrounds, I guess. But if you were, say, a beachside city, that's true. You're fucked. The mummy could, like Florida, you know, LA, the mummy could. Yeah, but it's beach sand. Yeah. Polluted.

I just imagine, like, all the mummies, like, big face and jaw opening wide as it envelops the city. But the further it goes away from a beach, it just gets smaller and smaller. Inland, you're like... It's funny to imagine the Italian mob or something getting rid of all the beaches in LA or something by doing this. Also, leaf blowers. Oh yeah, that's true.

That's a real problem. Plus, we've said the mummy's dry, and you said he was brittle, and you're right. That means the classic mob, baseball bat to the leg? Yeah. He's gone. He's been busted up. You can push him over, and he's just bones.

Exactly. That's the problem with the mummy. Weak. Weak. Very weak. Strong magically, weak physically. And again, if he's going to be sucking on our finger, I'm worried that he's going to break a tooth on my hand.

Yeah, how does the mummy... So it's a bite we established. Well, we actually have no idea. It's hard to lay down a mummy rule. It's very funny to imagine the mummy being like, you know, you're a made man. And you're like, cool. And it's like, I'm going to make you a mummy.

Then they kill you, take your organs out, wrap you in bandages, put you in a sarcophagus, bury you in a tomb for a thousand years. In a thousand years, you will start a new crime family. And if you go back to you go back to the therapy the mummy's whole existence is

he lost his girlfriend or if it's a female mummy that's true their male friend years ago and they're brought back on like this whole thing I must bring them

back to life too therapy that's the whole thing they'll crumble Billy Crystal might be like codependent you don't be your own man exactly the mummy will be like wowependent you don't you don't beat your own man exactly you'll be like wow i guess i don't need to find her and then it'll just become action

billy crystal's so powerful whoa we gotta do a therapist a family full of therapists as well you know either that or they're just trapped in there the whole time just going like i am so depressed i've been dumb time been all this they're just absolutely unraveling oh okay yeah that's actually billy crystal might have said that yeah the mummy yeah you're right there's a lot to unpack and yeah he's either there forever or he just dies yeah there's so many weaknesses again like imagine like imagine just snagging a little bit of loose cloth on a door frame. That's true. Exactly. What does a mummy look like under the bandages?

They look like extremely wrinkly, greenish grey, shall we say. So hot stuff. Absolutely stunning stuff. Plus, there's always a risk of turning them into paint or food, as we would want to do in the 20s. Yeah, that's true. We would know he is delicious. Yes.

Wait, no. Were mummies delicious or just eaten? I don't think they were eaten for flavour. I think they were just like, would you like to consume a little bit of mummy? Yeah, yeah. To live in the 1800s. They're like, we found this.

Would you like to eat this? Yes. So I know a mummy doesn't work like this but does anybody else feel like if you dunked a mummy in water it would inflate like a sponge that's what i keep thinking i've never thought about it because i was like oh mummy is dry and then like what happens if you get it wet it soaks it up you said a mummy's real wrinkly is it the kind of thing where in the rain like one of those dinosaurs you put in a cup of water, the mummy fills out. I think this is plausible because as well, if you know,

say you've watched a scary movie where someone dies in a bathtub, they too will expand. A mummy is essentially a corpse. They could become bloated and waterlogged. Yeah, that's a problem for the mummy. No rain. Just like Dracula can't go out in the daytime, the mummy can't go out in the rain.

Can't go for swims. No swimming. It's a big problem if he's trying to rule a beachside city. A lot of their meetings will be held at a beach or a poolside, I'm sure. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the snitch situation? How does a mummy deal with a snitch?

I just don't know. Yeah. Because it's not every other one we've decided that they will- Kill the snitch. Yeah, but the mummy is unscrupulous. He's just not intimidating. We don't know what the mummy wants. He's just not intimidating.

Yeah, I'm not scared of a mummy. The mummy just wants to kill people that disturbed its tomb and also wants to bring its girlfriend back the whole time. I guess the biggest problem of the mummy running a crime family is that's not the mummy's main concern the mummy doesn't care about making money the others have to live in a capitalist society the mummy doesn't

I feel like the mummy's going to lose control of his mob almost like a coup or some kind of mutiny what's the word I'm looking for is mutiny work you had it with coup and mutiny two words that mean the same thing.

Can you have a mutiny on land? Isn't that just a sea-based activity? All you need is a captain, maybe. Captain of a ship, captain of a train. And is a mob boss simply just a captain of a family? I think so. I would say so. I'd say that's fair.

All right, so mummy, it's a no-go. Absolutely not. It's dog shit. It's actually one of the worst things I would say so. I'd say that's fair. All right, so mummy, it's a no-go. Yeah. Absolutely not. It's dog shit. It's actually one of the worst things I've ever heard, is a mummy running a crime scene. Now let's get on to someone else. Yeah, let's talk about Frankenstein. Oh, okay.

We're doing doctor, we're doing monster. Monster, monster. Mr. Monster. And this is Frankenstein the monster. You can tell me that his name is not Frankenstein. It's Frankenstein. His name is Frankenstein. He's the son of Frankenstein. Well, he doesn't inherit his name. It's Frankenstein. His name is Frankenstein. He's the son of Frankenstein.

Well, he doesn't inherit his name. He's Frankenstein Jr. Yes, exactly. Absolutely. So how does Jr. run this family? Well, Frankenstein, he's an erudite, clever guy. You know, he's educated. Yes.

He sits by that farm and listens to that family. If I recall the original book. Yes. Yeah. Are we going like De Niro? Is he looking like De Niro? We're doing De Niro. We'll do De Niro rules.

I hope. I know there must be a movie where De Niro plays Frankenstein. There is. It's called Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. It's directed by Kenneth Branagh. Yes. Oh, wow. Yes.

We'll go De Niro rules. He kind of fits the mafioso kind of role. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, he played against the most famous Billy Crystal. He analyzed this and that. he already he's ticking boxes with therapy true exactly frankenstein also look he's not gonna bite you he's not gonna eat you like a wolf he's not gonna whatever the mummy did but the frankenstein could tear your arms off yeah oh no imagine so you go all right so you're good friends with jimmy but now jimmy is a snitch and you know he's done something wrong. And he's been like, maybe yesterday or something like that,

he went and saw The Don. And the next day you go see The Don and you're like, I recognise that tattoo on your arm. He's now basically using Jimmy's arm as his arm. That's true. This is how Frankenstein deals with snitches. You become part of Frankenstein. Does Frankenstein get bigger or does he replace bits? I like to think he grows.

He gets an extra arm here or there. Imagine going to Frankenstein and complaining about the fact that Jimmy's died, then getting punched from Frankenstein's stomach with Jimmy's hand. Oh no. Oh no, what happened to Jimmy? Frankenstein, look, even more unsettling

if Frankenstein doesn't want to keep adding, he could just keep taking faces. He takes the snitch's face, puts it on his face. That's pretty scary. And that is also how you can avoid the cops. You're changing identities all the time. It's funny because Frankenstein's just a hulking man. Yes.

Yes, but Frankenstein's still Frankenstein. This guy's been committed by ten different people. Hey, do you reckon that eight-foot man covered in stitches is Frankenstein? And he turns around with a different face. You're like, oh, I'm so sorry. No, sorry, not you. Please carry on. Lips not quite aligned.

The man with the rotting face hanging off his head. Big metal bolts coming out the side. Yeah. Well, you'd have to get a really good surgeon or someone who is good at stitching. Oh, yeah. Well, I assume, you know, like the classic scary mob surgeon. And this actually is the classic tale of snitches get stitches. Oh, my God.

That's true. They're getting stitched on to be part of him. That's how the phrase was originated, I guess. That's where it came from. Yeah, Frankenstein's a great mob. He's intimidating as a guy. You know what I mean? Absolutely.

But he is eight foot. Yeah, he's huge. Therapy. Yeah. Daddy issues. Absolutely. Abandonment. Exactly.

Absolutely been abandoned by his father. And fire. Yeah. Frankenstein fear fire. Yeah, fire bad from what I understand. And imagine you're part of Frankenstein's mob. You grab a pack of smoke you put it in you get your lighter he's not gonna like that slamming around is like a beautiful

mansion smashing earth smashing good china oh i'm sorry fire bad fire bad quick gotta put it out gotta put it out that's even like a gun you off, that's probably, it's fire bad. Fire bad. Fire bad. He hates all this shit. He is also one of the most kindest characters. Frankenstein, he's like, he only kills because he loved too hard, basically. And also he doesn't like mobs.

Yeah, famous mobs. Historically, Frankenstein has a problem with them yeah yeah the very idea of being like frankenstein would you like to run the mob he'd be like oh yeah he doesn't know he's just't know. He's just a baby. Yeah, he's just a baby. He's just an eight-foot baby. He's only a day old. That's true.

Plus, he has the good doctor, Frankenstein, trying to get him as well and stop him. So that's going to be rough. Knowing that your dad wants to kill you. Yeah, knowing your dad wants to kill you wouldn't make you a wife, you know. Well, that is a typical mafia problem, I would assume. A lot of problems within the family. Yeah, knowing your dad wants to kill you wouldn't make you a wife, you know. Well, that is a typical mafia problem, I would assume.

That's true. There's a lot of problems within the family. Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, so Frankenstein, he's not terrible. Yeah. He's just, there's a couple of issues there. He would be great, but not the leader of a crime family. He's a great contract killer.

Absolutely. Good enforcer. Yeah, he would be wonderful. Dracula should really employ Frankenstein for daytime activities. Exactly. This is where the dark universe should have been going. They should have been like, they're trying to build an Avengers team.

They should have been trying to build a freaking syndicate. Exactly. It should have been, you know, the town? It should have been the town. Yes. But with Dracula and Frankenstein. Therapy. Okay, that's...

Stitches. Snitches. I'm assuming you get stitches. Become stitches.y. Okay, that's... Stitches. Snitches. I'm assuming you get stitches. Become stitches. Yeah. Billy Crystal is going to make a lot of jokes about Frankenstein. They're having a lot of fun. There's a natural tete-a-tete.

Absolutely. Are you talking to me? It's me. I'm freaking Frankenstein over here. I'm the monster. I'm the freaking monster, okay? Fire bad. Yeah, that's it.

You know, fire is bad. I say that every time. It's going to be great. It's going to be great. Yeah, I'm excited for Frankenstein's it. You know, fire is bad. I say that every time. It's going to be great. It's going to be great. Yeah. I'm excited for Frankenstein's future. All right. Well,

not as a mob boss. Not as a mob. It doesn't work for me. Okay. And now my favorite, Gilman. Gilman. Gilman's got it in the bag.

Are you serious? Gilman's got it in the bag? Gilman's the best. Yeah. Gilman is my number one. The creature from the Black Lagoon is one of the most fantastic creations ever. He's fabulous. And as we all know now, the guy fucks.

Exactly. He fucks like crazy. He's so handsome and fucks. He's horny as shit is the Gill Man. We love him. How's he going to do running a mall? He cannot speak English. He talks a fish language.

Yes. Nobody knows what he wants ever. They're like, who should we hit? He's like, okay. And he's the last of his kind. Yeah. And like how the mummy is very dry, we have the opposite problem now. That's true.

The gill man is very wet. The guy is sopping. Where the mummy is brittle, he's a sopster. Yes. He's a drippy boy. I'm imagining like going in to have to chat to the gill man. Maybe you've got some forged documents for him. And you enter his office and it's like a sunken

pool. Having to hold the briefcase above your head as you slouch in. Imagine this. It's like a door to a mansion. You open the door and in that it's all dark. It's all kind of gloomy and all that. But there's an Olympic sized swimming pool. Oh, great.

At the end, when it's near you, there's like a desk. A giant desk. And you're like, what's going near you, there's a desk, a giant desk. And you're like, what's going on here? You hear a splash and suddenly a wet thud of a webbed hand. A flipper hand. A flippered hand hits that desk. And then a rising Gilman.

And then you're like, can I help you? Kind of loses it the moment he speaks. Do you know what's happening, Gill-Man? And then he splashes back into a couple of laps. I think he's just enjoying swimming in this pool. I think he knows what's going on even a little bit. You just pull out a fish. I think this is just an animal.

He's kind of easy to manipulate, this guy. That's a big problem with the Gill Man. You give him fish heads or whatever. He's putty in your hair. A little boiled egg, and he's bloody loving this shit. We're going Shape of Water rules. We're going Shape of Water rules. He makes the same rules as the freaking creature of the Black Lagoon.

It's all the same shit. He loves boiled eggs. He loves boiled eggs and women. And he loves the sexual figure of a black lagoon. It's all the same shit. He loves boiled eggs. He loves boiled eggs and women. And he loves the sexual figure of a woman. He's obsessed. He's so horny. He is. What a champ.

Everything that he's ever been in is about, like, I must have this one woman. Yeah. And nothing will stop him. All right. So he's a bit narrow focused. He doesn't, again, just like the mummy, making money is not a concern for Gilman.

Getting his end away, definitely. He's going to squander any money the mob makes on women. That's what's going to happen with the Gilman. No one's going to be happy about this. Tale as old as time. It's going to be Gilman surrounded by beautiful women and a big plate of boiled eggs. It's very funny to imagine going to like, again, like the

mafia going for a meeting and it's just silver plate of boiled eggs. Women everywhere. Like, okay. Just dips the plate and gobbles them all up. Every little egg. Okay, so we're going to make a union between our families. Just dives in the pool and swims away.

He's hard to deal with. He's complicated. Yeah, extremely so. How's he going to deal with snitches? Does he know what a snitch is? Don Gilman, this man is snitched against the family. Okay, do you want us to kill him? He'll slap the table, someone will put a boiled egg.

Om, om, om, om. Okay, I guess you're free to go. No, no, this is easy. This is easy. You get two boiled eggs. One for yes, one for no. That's clever. And then you'll know he eats them both.

Damn it! No! Gilman! It's so complicated. He's so hard to rate. How does Gilman deal with therapy? Does Gillman... Immune.

He's annoyed because he's in an enclosed, very dry room. Yeah. This is something Billy Crystal doesn't know how to deal with. Billy is like, I can't even riff in this situation. He's going to push me and try to get out my window and escape. He's doing riff after riff, but he's getting nothing. He's getting nothing. He's not winkinginking he's just blinking one after the other at billy crystal billy crystal man meets his match and it's the gilman bill man v gilman one night only yeah i think therapy you

can't you can't you can't you can't be done untameableable beast. An untameable beast. Yeah. Do you think that all of these crime families, if they worked as a single unit. Absolutely. Then that's what you need. You need the gill man for smuggling operations. Oh, yeah.

You simply, what you're going to do is you strap drugs to his leg. You get a fishing rod with a boil sheet. And you just aim him. Just aim him. Then he gets there and they take the boiled egg, take the drugs off. He's like, he doesn't know what happened. Yeah, exactly.

Send him back over. We've got it. That's done. That's easy. That's easy. You can take over the whole world. You've got freaking, you've got mummy running shit over in the desert area.

You've got him in like Egypt, in his hometown. He's taking over that shit. He's dealing with all of that international stuff. Exactly. You've got Frankenstein Egypt, in his hometown. He's taking over that shit. He's dealing with all of that international stuff. You've got Frankenstein as your enforcer. You've got Dracula running the whole operation. You've got wolf men in jorts running intimidation rackets. Exactly.

They're selling off their wolf titty milk. Yeah, exactly. That's how you got the wolf titty milk. And wolf titty milk takes over everything like that. You can make that a worldwide thing. And that is the perfect, like, you know, protection for all of them. Dracula's like, great. The wolf titty milk's covering my shit too.

Anyone else imagining, you know, like, I don't know why, but you know in Blade Runner there's that shot of the woman drinking Coke? It's that, but it's like a big carton of wolf titty milk and she gets a thick milk. And the fucking jar is hairy. She's drinking from I know it's an ad but you know it's heavy you can tell

you can feel it it's a very big audible slurp it's a swallow too it's like mmm wolf titty milk but it's nourishing and everyone gets abs wow it tastes like bacteria so I think what we've kind of proven here today

is that if all of them joined forces to one monster mob, which incidentally will be the name of the film. Yeah, monster mob, mobsters, something. There's something to be done there, yeah. Someone, like, if you could get a Billy Crystal involved in some way, they could think of the perfect pun for it all. Exactly. If we can make this a sequel to Monster Squad

so that our Dracula Don can use dynamite, I'll be very, very happy. The dream. Very happy. So I think at the end of the day, Dracula is the best mob boss. Oh, yeah, absolutely. But only if he's running other monsters. Other monsters.

Well, that's why they call him King of Monsters. That's true. Like Godzilla. Godzilla. Now what's he doing in all of this thing? Godzilla's just destroying the city And on that note I've been Joel

I've been Jackson I've been Alexei Chaliopoulos Please listen to my podcast Total Reboot It's about movies, reboots, remakes and rip-offs How's ya? Sick Was that smooth?

Yeah Very smooth I didn't even have to ask you You just did it You just did it Well I just thought I should do it at the end. Wrap it up. Champion.

So handsome. Bye. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead.

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But not forever. Kisses.