Plumbing the Death Star - Which Horror Movie Could you Resolve with Non-Violence? (Feat. Zoe)

Episode Date: October 26, 2015

In which our heroes ask Jason to see a therapist for his oedipal issues, encourage Freddy to take a class in conflict resolution and tell Ghostface to stop calling as we discuss which horror movie we could resolve with non-violence. We try to pawn a curse off on apes in a very imaginative way, make our problems Canada’s problems and freeze ourselves before getting shot out of a cannon. Jackson takes a dinosaur out to lunch, Zoe runs away from a demon into space, Zammit hires robots to deal with a mummy curse and Duscher just wants to go on a high school date with a psychic. So join the gang as they have a nice chat to the mass murdering maniac, maybe then he'll only murder you a little bit. Want Frankenstein's monster to get some plastic surgery? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month you can help us buy him a new, not rotting nose.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirteen books about channeling a prehistoric lizard’s rage into art.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Kat, will never know happiness because it is soulless. Team Kriff. Hey guys, and welcome to a very special Halloween edition of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which horror movie could you solve with non-violence? Godzilla Strange choice Like ow Cos well okay First of all Godzilla seems like

A reasonable guy Also which film Because I said film Not villain The first Godzilla Godzilla 1 Gojira Gojira yeah Cause he's just Wait hang on The first Godzilla. Godzilla won. Gojira.

Gojira, yeah. Because he's just... Wait, hang on. Hold the phone. At what point did he decide to protect Japan? Much later. Okay, so in Gojira he's not? No. But he still has the potential to protect Japan.

He starts protecting Japan when there's worse things than Godzilla. Yeah, okay. That's fine. What does Godzilla want and need? Doesn't he just want to trash Japan? No starts protecting Japan when there's like worse things than Godzilla. Yeah, okay. That's fine. What does Godzilla need? Does he just want to trash Japan? No, he's just bad.

He's a metaphor for the nuclear bomb. In the first one he pretty much just treats Japan like the nuclear bomb did. Yeah. Poorly.

So how I'm going to sort out Godzilla is I'm going to The best bet is to pick a different film. No, no. Alright, you've talked yourself into this corner. Let's see you talk

yourself out. Invite Godzilla to a sit-down launch. Uh-huh. Okay. Can Godzilla speak or is it just mostly roars? Roars. Jackson before he sits down to the launch learns Godzilla. Dragon. Learn how to speak. No, it's more like

roars. No, it isn't. So learn how to speak Godzilla. How it's more like... No, it isn't. So I learn how to speak Godzilla. How? From who? He's the first of his... You've gone too early in the franchise. Well, okay. But then if I go later on, he's not a threat.

He's still a threat. Even when he's fighting like fucking... Mothra. Actually, in that situation, I think Mothra's the good guy. In one of those films, it's a weird thing. Mechagodzilla's bad. Fine, I'll choose Mechagodzilla That's a robot Just program it

I just program it to not do crime Like an Apple Mac and just like, you know, hack into it Yeah, just hook into the tail Oh my god I'm not saying that Mechagodzilla's a better choice I'm saying you went too early as a friend Yes, yes, Mechagodzilla is a better choice but a less impressive one so let's say for the sake of argument i'll learn how to speak godzilla yes

oh okay yeah me and godzilla before it all starts he's like i'm gonna just educate you real quick on how to speak godzilla so this is before he because this is like this is godzilla's teenage years when he was a young rad dude Under the sea Still a lizard Being like Pally with Jackson I get out there in a rowboat And I'm like hey Godzilla Out of the ocean

You're a reasonable guy, I'm a reasonable guy I don't plan to destroy Japan yet However there might be a time But let's just teach you Godzilla real quick And I'm like cheers And that happened years ago Jackson's like the kid in high school that befriends the guy that you know is gonna shoot up the place exactly yeah exactly that's what i'm doing would you like a quick quick quick quick quick click yes would you like a quick plot synopsis of the first godzilla

yes let's go okay just give me in like five dot points okay Okay. He's not. He's going to read the whole thing. It's going to be. All right. So Godzilla is a prehistoric monster. It's resurrected by repeated nuclear tests. Yeah, I know. Yeah, good. That's fine. Apparently that's the plot. I knew I was there.

I knew Godzilla's deal. That was so. Thank you. That interjection. Useful. He's 50 meters tall in the first one. Now you're just going to go a little trippy. But he doesn't have...

He's like a fossil pretty much. So when are you speaking to him? He's sentient. When am I speaking to him? The moment he rises out of the sea. He kills 17 ships instantly, so you've already stopped. Well, hey, I couldn't sort that out. That's fine. That was an accident. Like I could stop him there. But the moment he sets foot on the beach, I'm like, whoa, whoa, so you've already stopped. Well, hey, I couldn't sort that out. That's fine.

That was an accident. Like I could stop him there. But the moment he sets foot on the beach, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Godzilla. He's already murdered 17 ships worth of people. Okay. So he's already in a violent rampage. Lots of nuclear bombs makes him a Godzilla.

Yes. I've got a new plan, Jack. Okay. Lots of nuclear bombs on you, and then you are like a Jackzilla. Yeah, no, I'm like a Gojira Jackson. Yes. I've got a new plan, Jack. Okay. Lots of nuclear bombs on you, and then you are like a Jackzilla. Yeah, no, I'm like a Gojira Jackson. Yes. So I'm as big as Godzilla, and at the beach I'm like, whoa, whoa, mate. So that's happened. He's there like

storming in. Put an arm around his shoulder. Just want to double check, so nuclear bombs in this situation are non-violent? No, they just result in Godzilla. They just result in Godzillas. Or Kaiju. So Godzilla Or Kaiju So Jackson Kaiju Jackson

I'm like I go to a nuclear testing facility I'm like look Nuke the shit out of me I know a Godzilla is coming Get me in there Nuke the shit out of me They're like 10-4

Get the manual out What have we prepared for this They go to the panel like 10-4 They're like get the manual out What have we prepared for this And they go to the panel like Godzilla attack Ah, nuke Jackson Done, that is our solution So they nuked the shit out of me Good, we finally got to this point Where I can sit Godzilla down

Gotta sit him down to lunch Get a construction company I guess To build us chairs and tables big enough What are you and Godzilla eating? Seafood. Seafood. Whales. And we do know those Japanese love the whales.

Yeah, exactly. It's whales. So we'll just winch them up on a crane, slam them down on our giant plates, and I'll be like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Just imagine the whale still breathing on the plate. what are you doing imagine the whale slurp up the whale still breathing

on the plate slurp up the whale can you do that thing where you pick up the whale and then put it in your mouth and as you suck it out it's just all burns yes

of course good that's the plan and then I say hey Godzilla how you doing are you Godzilla thanks for coming I really appreciate you taking the time I know as a child we were good friends Hey, Godzilla. How you doing? Are you Godzilla?

Thanks for coming. I really appreciate you taking the time. I know as a child, we were good friends. We fell apart. That's life. So I know you're destroying Tokyo now. Yeah, I know. You're angry, and I understand.

You're bombs. You're a metaphor for the nuclear destruction in Japan. It's sad. But look, in 10 years, yeah, it's depressing. You've got tears. I Japan. It's sad. But look, in 10 years, yeah, it's depressing. You've got tears? I know. I'm sad too. I'm the same thing. I mean, I'm not a metaphor but I'm nuclear too. But what you're going to understand, Godzilla,

is that in 10 years, you're going to fucking love this city. In 10 years, there's going to be Mothras. There's going to be King Ghidorah. He's coming. These are all bad versions of you. Mecha-Godzilla's on his way? That's like you but a robot. So how about instead of destroying this city that one day you'll love,

we, you know, start protecting it. That's good in theory. Yeah. However, this requires you to have prior knowledge of the Kaiju. Basically, you're being a precog. prior knowledge of the Kaiju. Basically, you're being a precog. So unless the nuclear bombs gave you

precog ability, which I still follow, because then I'm like, what if I just got nuked heaps? Because I got nuked to chat to Godzilla. So if I get nuked, if I don't have a reason to chat to Godzilla, then I'm just getting nuked for fun.

You're nuking him to talk to Godzilla. That's fine, but you're going to have to try and convince Godzilla somehow to not do this without being like, in the future this happens. It's more like just talking to a teenager. Like, I know you're angry. I know you're angry now, but you just need to like, you just put your anger into some constructive...

Yeah, there you go. Also, you don't know Godzilla prior to this because he was an ancient fossil. You're just a man. No, he taught me Godzilla. Didn't you hear that whole thing? That was before the nukes thing, so maybe that's now off the table.

Shit. He taught me Godzilla. I was like, when? He was a fossil before that. Yeah. Whatever Whatever we got nuclear You can bond over the being nuclear Alright well then I'll be like Look have you tried art

Godzilla I know you get a lot of destruction Like I was saying let's put it somewhere constructive Like somewhere to construct Like a giant guitar that you can play And I'll be like do it away from here Because noise pollution is a thing mate But I need it loud so I can hear it And I'll be like let's take you out to

Fucking the North Pole You're not my real dad When did I start raising Godzilla in this scenario I don't want to raise Godzilla Might be the way you have to do it Maybe you've got to be like the stern dad to Godzilla But here's the stress if I start raising Godzilla A good sentence

Any other kaiju that comes out of the sea Is going to be like I'm looking for guidance Jackson's got that kaiju orphanage Where he teaches kaiju He gives them something constructive to do Habitats for humanity Habitats for humanity Godzilla letitats for humanity. Godzilla, let's build some houses.

Godzilla has little arms. He's got big legs. He's got a big mouth. And an even bigger heart. I was imagining the opposite. Godzilla can get a job where his job is to chop down trees.

Or construction. Deconstruct. Like Godzilla can get a job where his job is to chop down trees. Yeah, I've seen Godzilla out to Canada. How does he chop down trees? Well, like, yeah, deconstructing. Like his job is like... Demolition. Yeah, demolition. No, but Godzilla's too big to walk down a street. That's true.

But I'm happy to send him to Canada. He can just like destroy swathes of forest. Canada's problem. Not like, fuck off to Canada Godzilla but if I send him to the Canadian wilderness and he helps out lumberjacks

how is he cutting down trees but we need those trees imagining Godzilla in a flannel oh yes okay now I'm back on board I'm back on board but the trees would be fucked

I want Godzilla to be solved non-violently but you haven't given us any... Well, you've talked him down. I've talked him down, but now I've got a Godzilla with a lot of energy and nowhere to put him. Teach him how to swim laps. He can just swim laps of Earth. What, and then make a

giant current? Godzilla could be a submarine. Submarine. Transport. I was going to say we just strap a bunch of GoPros to him, send him down, because we can only get so far down in the ocean, but Godzilla could probably get further.

So Godzilla's our research assistant. Yeah. Hey, Godzilla, you were made by evil science. How about you do some good science? Oh, that's going to be... What? No, no, no. Godzilla, you were created by science.

Therefore, your job is science science He wasn't created by science He was brought back to life You were reanimated by science He was created in a Come on, he's a science Throw me a bone here, don't do show Throw us a bone There's so many bones

There's another bone It's like a whole skeleton Pick up Godzilla's size bone It's like a whole skeleton It's a big old Godzilla sized bone Godzilla's femur That's what I want Guys I think Godzilla's had like five jobs Like he can go into destruction He can go transport

He can work for science He can only go into destruction if you're destroying an entire city He can't be a lumberjack Because he's not cutting down trees He'd just be wrecking them. Use him to tunnel. That's a better option. What were you going to say?

I was just going to say that most of those trees that when you get knocked down gets broken into smaller planks. Yeah, and then people take it away. No, but Godzilla, he'd be making them into splinters. I get a forest, we're going to destroy it. Godzilla rolls over the forest. Instead of knocking it out, what if Godzilla's biting the top

and pulling the tree out from the roots? He's got little hands, but they'll be strong little hands because they're the size of a house. Sure, we've only seen Godzilla tear through a city and that's maybe because that's what he wants to be doing. If we're like, we need you to be dexterous, he might be like, I can do this.

I can do that. He could be as gentle as a kitten we don't know because he's never had to try okay so you're solving the first Godzilla I see you're also

allergic to bullshit so you're solving the first Godzilla film yes by okay so the 17 birds he kills at the start of the film hey there's nothing I can do about that nothing I'm like hey Godzilla came the 17 birds he kills at the start of the film

hey there's nothing I can do about that nothing I'm like hey Godzilla came the fact that he didn't destroy the city Japan

like not to get like high and mighty about it but you should probably give me a medal yeah maybe but like legitimately so when he

in between him surfacing in the sea and him making his way to Tokyo you're nuking yourself so that you become giant and nuclear

you're then sitting Godzilla down I that you become giant and nuclear you're then sitting Godzilla down I guess on the beach so like getting someone to make us a big table and chairs sitting down on the beach yep

and you're talking eating whales being like hey I know you're angry you got a lot of anger in your heart I get that you know I'm angry too

I'm nuclear now I get it I understand the nuclear fury like I'm about I'm with the kids But I control it I'm an example for you Godzilla And then you're going to be like

Here's a list of jobs rather than wrecking our fine city Yeah Okay Win for Jackson Well it's a something for Jack 10 out of 10 It's a surprise no one slapped you in the mouth for Jackson We'll beat stopping Godzilla then for Jack. Ten out of ten. It's a surprise that I would slap you in the mouth for Jackson.

We'll beat Stopping Godzilla then. Goodzilla, they'll call it. Gojira. Gojira. I have chosen the creature from It Follows.

Which one's that? What's it do? It Follows was a horror movie from this year where pretty much it's a sexually transmitted demon that follows you around.

So, the douche is backing me up. He's nodding. It's a good movie. It is. And also because I realized that calling it a demon means STD still works. Yeah, sexually transmitted demon. That's awesome.

So, pretty much it's like you get the STD and you have to pass it on to someone else. The D still stands for demon. Yeah. And you have to pass it on to someone else, and this demon just starts slowly walking behind you forever until it catches you and then tries to kill you. Okay, so how are you stopping that nonviolently?

Going into space. What? No, actually, that's a fair solution. No, how, though? NASA? Like, oh, she could go nuclear and jump into space. No, because it's still following her. Yeah, but it's following her off Earth.

It can only walk? It can only walk. Can it use an elevator? Yes. Can it get into... Wait. Wait. Sea.

Wait, hang on. Ship. Boat. No, but it could probably swim, so going into space is the best option. What if it got on the thing with you? What if you're in the rocket ship and it's on the rocket ship with you?

No, because, okay, it only walks. I'm going to back zone on this one because somehow out of the two, going to space is the less dumb option. Yeah, so in It Follows, it only walks slowly towards you. So you can get away from it, but it is always following you. Yeah, so if at any point you stop walking, it will catch up to you.

Okay. So, for instance, in the film, there's points where they go for long drives, and then, like, they don't see it again for, like, three days. Okay. So you can only walk. They could get into space. Would it be always underneath you on Earth where you are orbiting? Looking up being like, God damn.

Yeah, like in a video game when you've hacked it so you're underneath something. So when people are trying to follow you. But it's still path follows you to where you are. Yeah, so they're like on top of you. But the downside of that though is that you have to live in space now. Also. You're saying that like it's a bad thing. That's a good point.

No, but how are you surviving in space? NASA's helping me. How? Convince NASA. Hang on. Ring up NASA. Try and convince them. Go on.

You convinced someone to nuke Jackson, no questions asked. Because we had so many spare nukes. Because Godzilla was threatening Tokyo, not just me. I'll be NASA. Give us a call. All right. Hello, NASA. Hey, Nasser.

What's up, babe? Who is this? It's Seagirl Zoe. Zoe? I was looking through my Rolodex. No, no, no, no. I've got no Zoe here. Sorry.

Don't prank call Nasser. How did you get this number? No, Nasser, I need to talk some serious stuff with you. Okay. I have a demon that I got from touching genitals of someone. Okay, demons are free. Alright, I cannot

convince NASA. Call me back when you've got a ghoul problem. Call me back when Godzilla's threatening Tokyo. We'll nuke a kid

but we ain't sending someone to space. Spear stowaway. So you give him a stowaway or alternatively you could train to be an astronaut but it's going to take some time.

But then I have to keep running from this thing while training to be an astronaut. That's the problem. You're going to have to be trained to be an astronaut by correspondence. How in shape you'd get. I'd also like to point out for anyone I'd just like to point out to anyone who hasn't seen this film the film solves itself

non-violently. So Sally's just going for alternate method rather than a new solution. How does it solve itself? It doesn't solve itself. That's the thing. Like, the main character passes it on. You just lied to me. Well, no, no, because they do. Because it gets passed on.

What are you doing? It gets passed on! No, it gets passed on, so it solves it. That's not a solve problem. And also, yeah, you're just solving it for you. it gets passed on no it gets passed on so it solves it that's not a solve problem that's just solve and also yeah you're just solving it for you that's not how you no I'm solving it for everyone

because if I die then the demon goes back so whoever I got it from then gets haunted again I was like there you go you're going to sell it to suicide that's still violent

yeah and also it goes back to the person like the movie also establishes that if you die or it kills you it then goes back to the person you got it from so you're never

really 100% and then even once you've gotten rid of it yeah even once you've gotten rid of it it still follows you but it's not trying

to attack you like it's just there wait so it's not trying to attack you no in the final scene it is no it's following it's because they

had sex and they're holding hands no no because in the in the scene where they talk to the guy that she got it off

he's like do you see that girl Is she real and they're like yeah It doesn't follow you you can still see it Yeah that's what I meant So it is over there And you can wave to it and it's like hey I remember you bro but you pass it on That's pretty much it

So can you okay How about this Bang everybody. No, because the first person will get it. Yeah. No, but that person goes and bangs someone else. So basically, everyone has the disease, and then it's like, well, give it to apes.

No, but hear me out. I'm not banging an ape. Well, you bang someone that then bangs an ape. Someone down the line has to bang an ape. And then that ape bangs another ape. And then it's the ape's problem. So it's like reverse AIDS. Yeah.

Give it to the ape. So it's like rather than the cut-under theory, it's clearly some guy, Gary, banged an ape. But that's a good way to get rid of it because the apes ain't banging humans. So they'll just keep the demon amongst themselves. These apes are keeping the demon amongst themselves. The apes are going to get so confused. The apes will probably die off really quickly

and as it bounces back down the chain eventually it will just come back. But apes fuck like bananas. But no, but monkeys. The ones that always bang them. That demon will get so sick of it, it will just leave. So there you go. That's a good non-violence.

Or apes in space, if you want. The space apes. I was super happy to be going to space. Space works. Look, bang an ape. Set that ape. Chuff that off to space. And put that ape into space, or they'll die eventually.

Put some, like, a hundred more apes. A hundred apes in space They're all going to die roughly at the same time No but eventually they're banging each other And then having kids which I'm assuming are banging There's not that much air up there It's fine Monkeys don't breathe

There's not that much air in space Well Zoe You just need to be down there sending more apes up And more air My life is dedicated every 20 years I send some apes into space They need to be down there sending more apes up My life is dedicated Every 20 years I send some apes into space Basically banging apes And sending them up Zoe doesn't have to bang any more apes

Nah I'll just give it to some guy who's really into apes There we go You're like hello I hear you like having sex with apes He's like I do How would you like to stop a demon Yes he will he'll say yes yeah ape man will probably be really into that yeah then you got a constant stream of apes and i feel like the the world version of rs rs pca you're gonna be honest we'll do it in a you know

the middle of the sea where it's legal there's no laws. Exactly. Zoe looks genuinely hurt. She's like space, that was your trigger guys. You've lost space. We're like not space! Bang an ape! She genuinely looks upset. I don't want to bang an ape. You don't have to bang an ape. You just have to bang someone who wants to bang an ape.

I don't want to bang someone who wants to bang an ape. Then you bang someone who wants to bang someone who wants to bang an ape. Done. We got who wants to bang someone who wants to bang an ape? Done. We got it far enough back that you're like, that's fine. That's fine, I just don't want to be anywhere near something that apes' genitals have touched. Four degrees away from apes' genitals is about fine.

Your genitals are an evolution of apes' genitals. No, but they're not literal apes' genitals right now. That's true. She's got you there. She does have me there. Alright, so look. Space works. Space is a good option. But ape space works better.

But space only works for you. But then you've got to live your life in space, which you're not an astronaut. Also, you're going to die at some point. And then it's going to revert back to the bugger lug you gave it to you. But I'm dead by that point. And I die's going to revert back to the bugger lug he gave it to you. But I'm dead by that point, so... And I die non-violently.

Actually... That's just like, how do you fix the Godzilla problem? I move to another country, wait it out until I die of old age. Done. He's not fixing the problem. It depends, because Zoe might be onto something here. Because... Alright, go on.

If you somehow manage to live in space to quite an old age, everyone that has had sex with her, or everyone who's passed on at this point could have also died of old age. She could be the last person. That's a good point. So I go into space, get cryogenically frozen for 100 years. There we go. You removed apes from the equation

what if you bang an ape and freeze cryogenically freeze yourself it's fine everyone dies but you, you have to live in the future but maybe that's good if you're cryogenically freezing yourself you're dying we don't have cryogenically

I nucleared myself big so I'll allow it can it be passed on to apes Hey, I nucleared myself big. So I'll allow it. So is it just... Can it be passed on to apes? What is it? Is it like... So it's a sexually transmitted demon. Okay, so the movie never...

Does it need to be alive? Like, what if I fucked a flashlight? Is that... It needs to be a human. You can't just masturbate it away. Masturbate the demon out of you. Masturbation doesn't count. Condoms don't work. And sameation doesn't count condoms don't work

and same sex wait condoms don't work? as in like I can still so if I have a demon following me and I fuck someone with a condom it's for following them yeah

what if they blew me instead? the film doesn't touch on that no but the direct what is this what is this no no no the direct does she now have mouth demons? no oral

actually that's right oral sex counts same sex sex counts okay that's fine okay yeah so yeah I mean you could just send it between two of you No, actually, that's right. Oral sex counts. Same sex. Sex counts. Okay, that's fine. Okay, yeah. So, yeah.

I mean, you could just send it between two of you until he got annoyed and left. But I think cryogenically freezing yourself is like, that's the best solution. Yeah, it's a pretty good one. But I have to do it in space because that way it can't get me. Yeah, exactly. Because otherwise it just opens up the thing

and it's like, I know. But if you just cryogenically freeze yourself and just fire yourself out of a cannon into space. Just do nothing and just accept the inevitable death. Everyone accepts their inevitable death. And then it'll go so far back the line that he's just like, damn. No, but then that's still violent. That's just hassling him.

It's not violent. The death that it gives you is quite violent. It pretty much fucks your life force out, but it breaks your legs. Yeah. Cryogenic legs Yeah Cryogenic canon You're onto something You just need to be the last person to live Because if you aren't then you haven't solved the problem

No for 100 years that makes Hang on Let's cover our bases No 200 Yeah that's fine So basically Demon is hassling, say, the person that Zoe has sex with.

So the person's hassling someone, Zoe has sex with that person, and now it's hassling Zoe. Zoe should swap into space. Yep. She stays there for ages. Yep. She dies.

Yep. It's been like 100, 200 years later. Demon's like, damn, who is next? Oh, this guy. Oh, he's dead. What happens if that guy was banging people in the interim? No, that doesn't count. There's only one.

It only counts for the most current. Okay, cool. Yeah, well done. Fuck you, demon. We got rid of you. We didn't have to fuck an ape. Plus, now you're living 200 years in the future and maybe like flying cars and shit. That's pretty cool. Probably not. I mean, if demons are around, I'm guessing they're probably going to have some sort of say in how we evolve.

Are they not wanting flying cars? I'm just saying if we have one sex demon, I'm sure other demons are going to be around. That's true. But we solved the problem. We did solve the problem, so well done. Much better than giant nuke. I think, you know, mine had some merit to it.

The Curse of the Mummy. The Curse? Okay. Like, Brendan Fraser's The Mummy? Brendan Fraser's The Mummy? Yes. I was just going to go with, like, a normal mummy, but let's see if I can remember Brendan Fraser's The Mummy.

1998 film, The Mummy. 1998 film. Here's a hot tip. No. The scarabs, they're in your skin. Rachel Weisz is in it. Sounds like a couple of plagues going on. Let's go with Normal Mummy because I don't think there's even a curse with the Brendan Fraser Mummy.

Nah, the curse is that he was a priest that was banging the king's wife. That's the story. And then they would put scarabs in him And be like oh you're cursed now That's just the story Of Brandon Fraser's The Mummy Is it Abbott and Costello Or just The Mummy

Or just the basic Mummy story Or the real curse of The Mummy Or the real curse of The Mummy Put it back Put mine back. That happened in history. Exactly. Just put it back. Put the mummy back. Yeah. Put the mummy back. Done. Because you think so. But I wish I could solve this one with apes as well.

Because he's not mad that he was removed. He's mad that he was disturbed. And you've disturbed him. You can't take back a disturbed. What if I apologise profusely, put him back, make him a little bit nicer, comfy, put some throw cushions down? Then you're a bad archaeologist. But hey, I'm appeasing the curse.

But are you though? No, I think I am. Issue. So you've disturbed a mummy. Like an idiot. Oh no, you're cursed. You're like, don't worry, I'll fix it. You go to pick up the sarcophagus.

But no, you're cursed. You drop it, disturb him some more. You're like, you're putting him back and it's a Mr Magoo, Mr Bean bullshit. Now I'm doubly cursed. You drop it. Disturb him some more. You're putting your back into some Mr. Magoo, Mr. Bean bullshit. Now I'm doubly cursed. You're just going to triple curse yourself.

Because you know what's going to happen. I'm going to rope all you fucking bug lugs out me. Now you're all cursed. Now we know whenever Sam

invites us to go to Egypt to just say no. So can you guys help me move? Yeah, shall we move? Just a couple of things. Coffee table, bed, coffee machine,

just the coffee machine. Matra.? Just a couple of things. Coffee table, bed, coffee machine. Just the coffee machine. Natural. Jump back a couple. Coffee bean? Yeah. Just one. No, no. Coffee machine.

Okay, now I'm good. Okay, good, good. I'm busy that day. No, cool. I don't worry. I've got Jack helping me. It's fine. It'll be great.

I'll hire some removalists. So your non-violent way to solve your mummy is to curse your friends. That's more violent. That seems like it was malice. Because I was like, I need help lifting this coffin. Because I keep dropping it. Because I'm like, my hands are just butter, apparently. Like an old Butterfinger Zammert over here.

I'm like a female lead in a rom-com right now. This is how clumsy I fucking am. I don't know why I'm so clumsy I'm like a female lead in a rom-com right now This is how clumsy I fucking am I don't know what's going on So you'd be like, I'll call up my friends You go to call this room and you're like Hello, police? I've committed murder Here's my address

Everything's going to go wrong That's a weird thing to call up What did I want again? Yeah, murder, guys, what did I want to get? Yeah, murder, guys. Cops? I think I did a murder. Then I guess you'd have to do a murder. You're wasting police time still. And then I'm like, hey, can you help me move this

mattress? Then you curse the police. Well, how does Brandon Fraser stop the mummy? I like the pause there where we're all like, how does this move? He drives a plane. He doesn't stop it well enough. The Mummy. I like the pause there where we're all like, what the fuck? He drives a plane. He doesn't stop it well enough

and then he comes back in The Mummy again. The Mummy returns. The Mummy some more. The Mummy, The Mummy again and The Mummy some more. It's a classic film trilogy.

It's a trilogy. And then the fourth one is Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Yeah. The Scorpion Kang. So. Okay, so you could... But how do we fix

this mummy curse? Sam tries to put it back. It didn't work. We've been roped in. Nothing we could do. We got tricked. We use gloves. It's not...

Droids! Drones! Droids I haven't seen yet! Drones are, though! Droids are a Star Wars thing We have drones in real life Drones I'll pilot some drones

Jackson's rubbing his head like God damn it Rig up some pulleys Right Maybe I have to get someone I'm going to have to curse someone else How is the curse working It's making me butterfingers.

That's a hassle. Also, Zamit, the moment you use drones, the mummy seems to be pretty clever. She's like, drones just... Yeah, but he's not going to know what that was. Drones are disturbing. He's going to curse the drones. Oh, you see where you're going with this.

This is going to make the drones a little bit clumsy. But they're machines. He's not going to know how to to deal with that i'm really loving the idea of like hey so you guys we go we're going down to like you know zoe douche we're going down to zam it's like dig site we arrive and there's just like drones smashed everywhere broken down cars we're like so what's uh what i'm stuck in a hole this doesn't seem like the most professional of dicks. Trying to get up the ladder, but then I fail. The ladder just snaps. Trying to take a bite out of this sandwich,

and I smoosh it in my face. I'm hungry. I can't eat. That's fine, we leave you in the hole. You starve to death, mummy curse broken. That's true. Yeah, in the hole You starve to death, mummy curse broken That's true Violent on our part We'll just call it a hunger strike

It was a non-violent protest That went wrong Can we live with that on our conscience? I know I can Put him back. Make him comfy. Maybe give him a foot massage. You still disturbed him and if he's just tired, all of these things

are going to disturb him more. Put some, like, you know, Enya on. Give him a nice foot bath. I'm dissolving his feet. You're going to, like, put him in the foot bath and he's just going to, like, lower into it as his body dissolves.'re gonna be like no no no Just end up with a head

Massage oil It's like Ah jeez It's like a series of just Wacky visit But he's trying to like relax this mummy cause What if you just nuke to the site Or Do what my What have you just nuked to the site?

Or Do what my Old timey ancestors of like 1900s did Eat the mummy I'm just going to eat the mummy The mummy's not there to curse you anymore But you're already cursed I was thinking like burn it But Zamet still got the curse

But I guess if you could live with the curse I could live with being old Butterfinger Zamet and I've just ate a mummy. So that's pretty good. But it could curse you to the point where... Because you're going to have to kill the mummy to eat it. It's still a bit alive. Oh, I thought it was just there.

It's not like a live, like, Brandon Fraser's mummy. No. It's just a mummy. But it's got a consciousness moving about, though, clearly, because it cursed you. It's going to curse you some more If you try and eat it I feel

I feel very funny Getting on some peppermint foot Rubbing on his feet Yeah So basically You want to Massage the mummy enough That he's just like

Okay never mind Yeah I want to Give him a nice mud bath You're going to kill him Give him a facial You're going to kill him The cucumber eyes

You're going to be cursed forever The cucumber eyes. You're going to be cursed forever. The cucumber will just fall into the eye sockets. You'll have to fish in there to get it out. Touching the base of his skull. Somehow, Jackson's Godzilla thing is working better than you trying to massage your mummy. Yeah. What else is relaxing? Okay, look.

He's from ancient Egypt. Now, what do we know about Egyptians? They love honey. They love honey. Good. So, we bathe him in honey, relaxing honey bath. He's going to be like, oh, my God, I'm Egyptian. I love honey.

This is great. He's going to be like, thank you, Zamit. I'm so relaxed now. I know you disturbed me, but now you put me at ease. So, everything's sweet again. Everything is as sweet as honey. There we go. He's going to love me.

I still think the problem is... Because Egyptians love honey, right? That's what I'm thinking. Yes. The problem is, and the one thing that we still haven't found a way around, is that he's not angry he's awake. He's angry he was disturbed. Yeah.

If someone wakes me up for a foot massage, I'm still going to be angry. I know, but then you'll get into it. I'm sure after like five minutes. It's like when you get woken up with sex and you're like... Well, here's the thing. Not banging at mummy. Dang. Would you bang an ape that's going to bang you? What if you give mummy the curse that Zoe was doing?

What if I bang someone who bangs an ape who bangs a mummy? It's far removed. Very far removed. The mummy hates it. That ape is not gentle. If you give the mummy the it follows curse Then that mummy's too busy Dealing with the it follows curse

And you're like I find myself not so clumsy So you find Zoe's always like about to close herself And she's like what Give me three minutes You're like I've got a proposition Wait a second I know you're dealing with a curse How would you like to knock out a curse I'm dealing with

In about a minute Everybody wins I don't because I'm having sex with Samet Yeah that is a downside You sleep with someone who sleeps with Samet Chuck an ape in there Everyone wins Zoe bangs an ape

The ape bangs Samet Samet bangs the mummy Ben bangs an ape. The ape bangs Zammet. Zammet bangs the mummy. And bangs an ape. Just for fun. Meanwhile, I'm like, thank God I chose Godzilla. Godzilla's looking at this being like... I'm like, that's fucked. John, I'm going to come into the sea with you.

I don't like earth anymore. So yes, treating the mummy to a nice spa bath. Fucking. No, not a spa bath. I think the spa bath, a relaxing spa bath. No, because that's murdering the mummy. You're getting more cursed. Damn.

But, damn it. Non-violently got rid of the mummy. That's true. Which is what he's cursed. Oh, well. He wasn't trying to get rid of the curse. He was just trying to get rid of the mummy. I's true. Which is what he's cursed. Oh well, he wasn't trying to get rid of the curse. He was just trying to get rid of the mummy. I would like everyone just to pay attention to what he said he was going to solve

non-violently. The first sentence he said was the curse of the mummy. Not the mummy, the curse of the mummy. I said the movie, Curse of the Mummy. Alright, back on board. You're sweet. You're out. You're in the clear. Alright you doucher. Come on. Show us what you're made of.

Carrie. Okay, like Stephen King's Carrie. Yep. Psychic Violence. Yep. I'm going to solve it non-violently. Super good name for a band. Psychic Violence.

That is good. Sounds like a genre of music that I would listen to and then be ashamed to tell people. I'm just going to take on a really nice date. Okay. Okay. First off. Also, I'm younger. I take her on a really nice date Okay First off Also I'm younger I know

I'm not 24 You're in high school Social suicide Social suicide is my big problem I know you douche You can't handle You're dating Carrie And then they're going to pick on you Loser And then you're going to get Carrie. People are going to be like, oh my god, you're dating Carrie? And then they're going to pick on you.

Loser! And then you're going to be like, I want to be cool. I'm going to throw tampons at you in the shower, dude. I'm going to be like, yeah, that's sick. You're going to be like, ugh. I'll be like, guys, you're 16. You don't know that like. Yeah, but you're 16.

I'm like, guys, yeah, I know. You're not going to be that mature. You're going to throw Carrie under a bus to be like, I want to be part of the cool kids and you're gonna get carried under the bus i've i will throw carrie under a bus what i like that your one downfall is just like no dusha loves himself too much he'll throw anyone under the bus to save himself. Under the bus. No, at 16, I was way more less into my...

I've just been like, yeah, no, good. It'd be more a worry that she'd reject me at 16. I want to touch boob so bad. I'll touch Carrie boob. She never washed. Like, I would be nice to Carrie,

but I wouldn't be close to her. I had a girlfriend when I was 16, though, so maybe that could be an issue if we're going with my real life 16. Let's just get rid of the girlfriend out of the equation. Like, I would be nice to Carrie, but I wouldn't be close to her. I had a girlfriend when I was 16, though, so maybe that could be an issue. If we're going with my real life 16. Let's just get rid of the girlfriend out of the equation. Say she broke up with me. It's fine.

Is it just one date with Carrie? Nah, I'll be her boyfriend. I don't care. Oh, no. That's scary. You've got a scary mom. Because you could never fuck up. Yeah, the moment you hurt her even a little bit, even if you're like, oh, I'm so sorry. I can't come on the date tonight.

Cut in half. Yeah, she's like, pick you up, one arm that way, one arm that way, to the poles. New solution. Dating her mom. You're 16. I'm here! No, I'm 24 again.

This is Robinson, that shit. She was super Jesus-y. Yeah, she wouldn't want to. Also, she was in your dirty pillows. She's against sex. That's wrong. No, that's good. I'll read the Bible to her. I'll be like, hey, look, boys aren't all evil. Also, I feel as a stepdad to Carrie, you

might get just killed. You want my real dad? To the poles. Yeah. Or it's like, again, when the mum does something, you know, you didn't protect me from mum. To the poles. To the poles.

With your arms and legs. What if I steal Carrie? I'm a third person again now. Okay. So, kidnapping. Stay kidnapping Carrie. Hardly non-violent. Hardly non-violent.

To the poles. To the poles. Yes. See, it's not so easy. Is it? No, if I get in early because her psychic powers only start

when she's had a real shit I guess being kidnapped is a shit it's kidnapping you're gonna put a bag over her head chuck her in a van

to the pulse to the pulse this is how stretched I go for non-violence what if I kill her mom that's violence that's very violent that's just basic

everyday violence everyday violence. Everyday violence. Nah, I feel like... I think we're going to carry under our bus. Okay, I'm a teacher now. Okay, fourth douche of personas. Three of them have died. Fourth attempt.

I'm a teacher. I'm like... He's like hitting restart on the computer. He's teaching 16-year-old you? No, I'm... Well, you're like... He's like hitting restart on the computer. He's like, no! He's teaching 16-year-old you? No. Well, you're like, look out for 24-year-old.

He'll bang your mom. Look at that handsome, handsome child in my class. This is like 32-year-old... 32-year-old douche is teaching a class at Carries High School. I've seen some shit. Giving up on his dreams to become a teacher, yes. Yes. Giving up on my dreams. Like, hey, remember that podcast I had?

People were like, no, and I'm like, mm. I was important for a while. Let's teach media. Okay, so what are you doing? Carries in your car? Taking her under my wing. A teacher did that. It did not work.

No, a teacher did that and did it wrong. Okay, so how would you do it? Yeah. I'm a male teacher, so maybe the dynamic would be a bit different. Maybe she falls in love with you, and then maybe you have to reject her because you don't want to go to jail, and maybe to the polls. Yeah, I was about to say that.

That would happen. She will fall in love with you. Any boy that shows her attention, she's like... To the polls. There's that one boy that's quite nice to her, and then it turns out it's all a gag. But she loves him before it's a gag. But before it's a gag. But before it's a gag.

Yeah, because that's the thing. You're a fucking rube. You know how you solve that nonviolently? You're like, oh, it's a bucket of pig's blood. Just throw it outside. And then they're like, prom king and queen. And she's just like, this is the happiest night of my life. I am an idiot.

Because I could also just be like, all right, I'm a friend in the dickheads gang. Because the boy, I don't think he's not for it he doesn't know they're doing the pig blood yeah and like because the only reason he takes Carrie on a date is because somebody like his mum or like a teacher is like do you reckon you could just take her to prom and make her feel really special because she's

a fragile child that's right and he does and then he's like oh holy shit I didn't even know I wasn't part of this Carrie I'm so sorry and then he gets to the polls to the polls. And to the polls. So really, you could be like... I'm his friend, and I'll just be talking to him, and he'll be like, oh, no, we've got to stop this.

We've got a fifth issue. All right, okay, we'll be the cool kids. The fourth one's in jail. We'll be the cool kids. Yeah, okay, sweet. How good is it tonight when we're going to drop pig blood on that fragile girl with me be sucking, Carrie? I'm'm pumped i love making fun of kids that are less than she's also poor and you know i hate the poor she did not know what her period was how funny that's the greatest

hey guys that's super funny where are you putting the pig's blood that's real funny guys i'm so on board look i'm so on board that maybe you should let me set this up i'll fucking do it i'll do it i swear jusha is just such a rad dude i like the cut at your gym here's the pig blood friend i killed six pigs i'll be back later okay and then you don't and we beat the shit out of you after school nah man I'm a cool kid

I'm a cool kid I probably have a car fucking I'll drive off where was the pig blood we were waiting now she's fucking prom now she's a fucking

prom queen now we made this loser prom queen and everyone loves her because everyone thinks she's great and she's got high self esteem

I killed six pigs six pigs and two piglets Guys you know what's really really funny Showing the school how much a piece of shit The school is They accidentally made this loser kid Prom queen

What a fucking bunch of rubes No but now everyone Let's get him No I'm not a nerd books are gay I'll beat the shit Out of all of you With books With this empty bucket

Fucking bring it cunts Where'd I get this Bucket from I don't know No it's the bucket You guys gave me before You idiot You gave me a weapon

We give him pig's blood Well You sorted it out Non-violently But with my help But then I sorted it out nonviolently, but with my help. But then I sorted mine out nonviolently with your help. Really, we all helped each other. So all horror movies can be solved nonviolently,

if you really think about it. Through teamwork. Exactly. Through teamwork and love. And ape love. And five versions of me. And on that note, I've been Joel Dusha. I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Zoe Bellotta. And on that note, I've been Joel Dusha.

I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Zoe Villotta. And I've been Joel Zammett. Happy Halloween! Speak your neighbours. Throw a pumpkin at a child. That's illegal and violent. The opposite of what this episode has taught me.

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