Plumbing the Death Star - Which is Definitely the Best Starter Pokemon?

Episode Date: April 1, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Which is Definitely the Best Starter Pokemon?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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That seems too high. That is literally nothing but The second that seems too high that is literally nothing but the irony that you fucked up a joke about fucking up three F U P M yeah

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Come see us. Come see our beautiful faces and our average bodies. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which is definitely the best starter Pokemon? You forgot there. No, I was trying to figure out how to add some flair to the question because it was boring.

You know what? You did add flair. Alright, so, Pokemon. Starting. You start with one, yeah? That's how Pokemon works. Someone's like, I'm a professor. I've been to an education system for several years, so I entrust a small child with an animal.

That's my my role you're 10 let me explain it to you you're 10 uh-huh there's grass near your house yep you can't fucking go in that grass not if you don't want to fucking die you're 10 you don't want to die yet uh-huh why what happens if you're 10 pokemon jump out what no i mean because you're 10 because 10's too young to die that's's true. Either... Nope, I'm not going down that path. What if you're a small child playing in the grass? You just get dunked on? No, I'm still too young.

Don't go in the grass. So what happens? I have to play in the pavement if I'm a young boy? You literally just stay in your home. Unless you go in with a parent, then they can probably protect you with their Pokemon. Anyway, we're jumping ahead. Hang on, hang on a second. Wait, just...

Hang on, I just... There'll be questions at the end. Simple question before we ask about the start of Pokemon. Anyway, we're jumping ahead. Hang on a second. Wait. Before! There'll be questions at the end. I just had a simple question before we asked about the start of Pokemon. What happens from the ages of zero to ten? You stay at home. How many ten-year-olds do you know? How many under ten-year-olds do you know that are allowed to leave their town

by themselves? I wasn't asking about leaving the town. I'm asking like playing in like I don't know. You cannot play in grass. No. It's leaving the town. It's like you wouldn't let your nine-year-old son that you definitely have go like playing in like i don't know you cannot play in grass no it's leaving the town it's like you wouldn't let your nine-year-old son that you definitely have go fucking play in like a junkyard by yourself i wouldn't but like if i'm supervising i i think i i enjoy going to like a parkland no not happening go and see the ducks feed them yeah you, you can do that. Okay, that's good to know. If you want your kid to fucking die. Oh, shit, I don't.

Yeah, well, there you go. I love my hypothetical slash definite real nine-year-old boy named Darren. Darren Zammett. Baron Zammett. Baron Zemo twist. It grows up to be bad bloke. Baron Darren Zammett is what we should have done because that rhymes. Well, look, let's talk about the Pokemon starters that there are.

And I have a list up here, and I just want to point out that this list has the official art for, because the three original starters for Blue and Gold. I know this. Gold, Blue and Red. Gold, Red, Blue and Red. Yep. Charmander.

That's the one. Squirtle. Yep. But look at this. It's like, yeah, regular art of Bulbasaur, regular art of Squirtle. That is clearly not the official art of Charmander. That is a bad deviant art drawing. Anyway, yeah, so your original three, Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle.

What did you choose? I'm a Charmander boy because- Everyone's a fucking Charmander. No, they're not. Everyone picks Squirtle No they don't, everybody's like I'll go Fire and be Unic Choose Bulbasaur He's little, he's cute

He's got a plant in his back That's pretty good I think he's the best Pokemon starter personally I guess it kind of comes down to what you're using your starter for Do we intend to become Pokemon champions? Well, the objective here is to just play in the grass. Surely I'm either going to choose Charizard, sorry, Charmander, so I can burn the grass, or Bulbasaur.

You don't need to burn the grass. So then I can play. You can still play in the grass. See, you cut me off before I could explain and then ask a dumb question, and then my explanation would have answered this question Yes The grass is just tall It's tall grass

You don't know what's in it It's dangerous So you can play in the grass What if you see a fucking zigazoon Yeah it tackles you, you die What if you get a charmander You're not using it to burn down the grass Why not, not unless you're a fucking arsonist, child.

Maybe I am. Well, that's on you. So then I got rid of the grass problem that everyone can play. No, not the Pokemon. You just took their hoe. Well, they're impeding in my life. I don't know how this became about Joel Zammett wanting to play in grass.

Look, if you want to play in the grass, play in the grass. If you don't want to play in the grass, stay away from it. Don't burn it down, because that gets you neither of the things you want. In fact, it makes the Pokemon just more angry than in the grass. Anyway, yes, Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle. Okay,

I personally think, and like, when I play the games, I pick Charmander, but I always pick the Firestarters, because I like Fire Pokemon. Also, I like the song fire starter by the prodigy do you always have that playing when you always pick the fire starter but only during the picking and only during the picking it's real quick um so i never like picking squirtle because he looks like a fucking idiot like let's talk about this guy yeah dumb face he's got a dumb face with a bit of a beak going on His head looks a bit like the head of a penis It does, it's very spherical

Which is not the shape of a penis Like the top half of his head looks like the head of a penis Not his entire head I suppose Also, now that we're saying penis a lot in this episode I'd just like to point our listeners to something that has become relevant in our real lives yeah but has not been brought up in an episode yet jackson you can you say penis for me penis a bit louder penis where's the a in penis jackson there's a lot of them and they're everywhere penis penis penis is that what you'd rather me say? Like a fucking duke?

You don't need to add the is as like penis. Penis. The head of Squirtle looks like a penis. A penis. The head of Squirtle looks like a penis. It looks like a penis. That's how it's gonna happen, Dushan. You can either buck up or get

on the fucking truck. Buck up or fuck off. Buck up or get on the truck, as they say. So, what am I using my starter for? Well, it depends. Are we trying to become Pokemon masters? Is that the aim? No, just a best starter all around. You know what?

We'll use our friends ranking. Yeah, all right. Base stats. Base stats. Raw athleticism. Raw athleticism. Friendability. Friendabilities. And also, I think we had dexterity or something like that. space stats raw athleticism friendability and also

I think we had dexterity or something like that we'll just go usefulness usefulness, dexterity friendability raw athleticism, friendability and usefulness alright, Charmander raw athleticism, not great

he doesn't even look like he has fucking knees. He would run like a toddler. But to be honest, I feel all three of them would run like a toddler. Bulbasaur could run like a dog. Bulbasaur seems to me like would run like a turtle, run like a toddler on all fours. Well, yeah, Squirtle is generally on all fours. He's just standing up in this photo. To show off his vulnerable belly.

But I'm going to cook with my charm hand. But I think Squirtle walks, he's an all-fours kind of guy, like an actual turtle, right? Nah. You sure? Positive. He walks...

I remember watching the cartoon, he was very rarely on all-fours. Bulbasaur was on all-fours. Yeah, Bulbasaur's definitely on all-fours. Oh, wait, yeah, no, Squirtle is on... He's bipedal. He's so balanced. Yeah, he's bipedal as shit. He's revealing his delicate underbelly.

Good for cooking. Yeah, I guess. Well, that's, okay, but we're talking about raw athleticism now, not usefulness. So, he's not that fast. So, we're starting with Squirtle? No, no, we're going, yeah, let's start with Squirtle. Well, okay. He's not that fast.

He's very round. Is throwing your Pokemon at someone, Does that come under raw athleticism? No Like he can take a hit? Yeah, I'll allow it Because he seems good He's got a shell He's good for hucking

Yeah, exactly Great for hucking Because you don't want to huck a charm, Andy You might burn your paws Yeah, no, but Good for hucking this Hucking a Squirtle is probably the way to go He's got a weird tail.

Yeah, for balance. Because he's got a big shell and he's heavy. Walk on all fours, Squirtle, you fucking idiot. He's designed to be a ground Pokemon, on the ground, like on all fours. But his neck has, for some reason, not evolved like that. If he was walking on all fours, he would be looking at the ground. His face would just be like... Yeah, that's pretty terrible.

So, design choice, not great. He's protected, I guess, a lot from the back, but frontal assaults, he's fucked. He's soft underbelly, as we've pointed out, exposed. But also his tail looks like a weak point, and that's under his shell. So he's exposed from both ends.

So we could beat him in a race? Yeah. In a foot race? Yeah. Could we beat him in a race. Yeah. In a foot race. Yeah. Could we beat him in a fist fight? Yeah. His skull looks soft. It does. It looks like it would, like, go in, like...

But then slowly inflate again. He kind of looks like just a little bit fully formed embryo. Yeah, yeah. That's unpleasant. Not like a baby. I know that a baby is a fully... I mean, like... Like, you know what I... Like an embryo that's a bit more formed

Yeah yeah yeah Than baby Like a 50% embryo Yeah I know exactly what you mean And I reckon a 50% embryo Would lose to me in a fist fight Yeah absolutely

So which I'm at Plus I mean Squirtle Plus Squirtle can't make a fist No So Squirtle can vomit bubbles Does that impact

This fight with Squirtle at all I mean it would be distracting But you know what I can do Yeah Is I can get a bit of water Yeah Um, Squirtle can vomit bubbles. Does that impact this fight with Squirtle at all? I mean, it would be distracting, but you know what I can do? Yeah. Is I can get a bit of water. Yeah. A bit of dish, like, water soap stuff. You can also make bubbles. Put it in a little container.

Shake that up. Put a little dipping stick in. Yeah, that's true. Blow bubbles. You can bubble back. And, like, what a piece of shit. He's not going to care. And, like, I'm assuming my bubbles might hurt more because there's soap in them.

Yeah. And they might get in his eyes. That's kind of poisonous. Look at his face. He's all eye. Yeah, that's true. He actually doesn't have lids, which is pretty disturbing. Yeah.

He's also this very weird pink. The more I look at this picture of Squirtle, the less cute he appears. So, yeah, getting soap in his eyes, I reckon that might fuck him up. Does Squirtle have teeth? No, he's a tortoise. They've got like a beak. Yeah, no, that's nasty. He's got three fingers, three toes.

So he's not dexteritous at all. No, he's not dexteritous at all. You've never been more accurate. You dumb fuck. I just tripped over my words. It's fine. I just like the idea of just picking on that and not letting go. Look at the dumb

fuck say a word wrong. Idiot. Learn how to speak. I just did that with Jackson. You took my bit. What about friendability? Why are you so far away? Where are you going? Come back. I miss you. I'm sliding as far as I can towards Adam's side of the table

and then eventually I'll swap microphones. You're so far away. I said that like Adam was in the episode. That would be very funny. Hey, Adam. Yeah, see? Yeah, he's not there. Rude.

Friendability. He looks pretty friendly. Yeah. You know, he's not going to be the one that's going to smack you in the mouth. What's Squirtle's voice like? Is he like, Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirtle? Why has he got a fucking like, Squirtle, how you in the mouth. What's Squirtle's voice like? Is he like, Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirtle. Why has he got a fucking like, Squirtle, how you doing?

Yeah. Squirtle, Squirtle. Squirtle, Squirtle. He's got like a smoker's voice. Yeah, a bit. Squirtle. But you know what? Wartortle is like a bit,

Wartortle. Like a warrior. Yeah. Yep, that's it. So I reckon he's friendly. Like he's going to... He sounds like he'll buy me a pizza. Yeah, he does sound like he'll buy you a real New York pizza.

Squirtle, Squirtle! And then he just coughs up a real New York pizza. And you're like, Pokemon are crazy. Just like Mama used to make. Eh? None of these are going to score very high on friendability because they're just dumb animals as well Which is a problem

I guess companionability rather than friendability Well Squirtle spends most of his time in the sea Well I mean He spends most of his time in a pokeball That I threw in the sea Gotcha You'd be rude to You'd fucking give me half digested pizza

In the sea Get out of here So yeah look not perfect on the friendability scale He'd fucking given me half-digested pizza in the sink. Get out of here. So, yeah, look, not perfect on the friendability scale. Cool. Now, patting him, if we move away from friendability to companionability, and we go to look at how pettable it is, I would say not very, because I feel, again, its face is going to be squishy and gross,

and then I'm going to be touching its hard shell, which would be interesting and nice, but I don't want to pet a turtle. I kind of want to touch his face a lot. It kind of looks like it'd be fun. Yeah, I understand it'd be fun to do and for a bit to squidge that face, but I feel if I'm on the couch watching, I don't know, Netflix

and just kind of stroking my squirtle... No, no, no. Oh, yes, yes. That's my point. Well, I just got so upset by the stroking my squirtle statement. Squirtle kind of looks like, and bear with me, because this is an odd analogy. So, you know putty?

Yeah. You know, like fun, silly putty? Yeah. You know when silly putty gets in the sun? Yeah. And it gets really smooth and it's quite good to touch. I've got another theory to what Squirtle's going to feel like.

And it's wildly unpleasant. So we've touched on this a little bit in this episode. But Squirtle looks like he would feel like the head of a penis but wet. I mean that's alright. I think he'd feel like the tip of a penis. The head of a penis but wet. I mean, that's alright. I think he'd feel drier than that.

No, he's definitely... He looks dry. You're not looking at a picture of him. Look how dry he looks. He's shiny. He looks wet. He looks slick. He looks oily. Put your glasses on. Oily is still fucking affordable. I've never put olive oil on a dish and I'm going, fuck

look how dry it's gotten. Yeah, well No. Alright, I guess I will concede defeat that Squirtle is not oily. It's like the tip of a lubed up dick is what I'm imagining. And that can be fun! No, that's fun if you own the It can be fun either way.

Live a little. Love a little. But you're not getting him off. You're just touching him. Yeah, you're not like... Well, it's like, exactly. I'm not jerking off, Squad. I'm just rubbing his head. I would be the opposite if it was the other way around.

I'd be like, oh, it feels like a dick. That's cool if you're getting it off. But no one's ever like, I'm just going to put my hand on the tip of my penis and hold it for a bit. Just love the feel of dick. What do you want to make your couch out of? Dick, please.

I love the feel. The feel of dick is my favorite. Dick just feels good for the job that it's doing, not for it by itself. Dick is just like a little bit of a smooth. Not for just like pleasant tactile sensation. No, that's fine. Whatever. If he's got like dickhead skin, it's good.

I would not want to touch that on an animal. That would make me throw up. What about usefulness? You can eat him and he comes with his own plate. That's cool. But that's just any kind of turtle. I guess he could put out fires, but how often am I having a fire? Yeah, pretty rarely.

Water gun. I might start more fires. He would help you survive in a desert. That's true. He vomits his water into my mouth. That's pretty good. Bath thing would be easy. Clean.

You could use him as a shower. I don't know because that's water vomit from a turtle. I don't know how that is clean. Yeah, but I mean, if you're desperate. I mean, sure, I'm desperate. But I don't know how desperate I am. Use him as a bidet. Oh.

Oh. Now we're talking turkey. Squirtle, please vomit onto my butthole. Thank you very much. It's non-circular. It's non-circular. It's more about hygiene than pleasure. And plus, I think as Adam always tells a story about Will Smith telling a story about a bidet

that he went to, and it was maybe in Japan. Yeah. And he's like, the bidet is so high tech. It like follows your butthole around. So it knows where it's going. This is like a sentient butthole follower always going to get you. I'm pretty sure that's not a story Will Smith told. I'm pretty sure that's a plot point of the movie Why Him.

No, no, that's a story somebody told Adam because it always comes to the context. Why is Will Smith telling this to Adam? Are you sure that Adam just didn't see the film why him and then pass off as a story thinking that no one had seen the movie why him starring james franklin if i decided to tell a story about watching will smith show have an interview that is the worst story and adam could have done better um or consider this for a second joel ducha There is a toilet out there That seeks out your butthole I like my why him theory better

And both stories are true Either way Squirtle will be very good at that job Yes but if there's some kind of police in the world of Pokemon You will go to jail Because you can't If you're like my dog is great at spitting water And I get it to spit water on my butthole to keep me clean,

you should be stopped. That's true. What else is Squirtle useful for? Not much. Water. I mean, you can boil the water so that it's clean, I guess. I think actually because the way it works with Pokemon is that when it vomits water,

it's not like coming from inside the turtle. Where's it coming from? It's kind of like magic, basically. Is it like seawater, though? Yeah, probably. They're gross. I don't want to bathe in seawater. What are you talking about?

It's great for your pores. Is it? Yeah, seawater's amazing for your pores. Maybe I will start bathing in seawater. Yeah. I spoke too soon. I mean, it's going to be hard to do so, but good luck. Thank you.

Yeah, so Squirtle, look, vomits up seawater, and I don't think it's, it's not like turtle water that comes out of his mouth. What's he been eating beforehand? It'll pass through his mouth, I guess. That's what I mean. What's he been eating beforehand? I don't know, fucking clams. Who knows what a Squirtle is. I'm gonna have like

clammy water on me. Well, that's on you. I'm fucking showering in Squirtle juice. I'm just turning on the shower. Yeah, well, I'm assuming I'm in the desert. Didn't Dusha say we were in the desert? Yeah, you're in the desert. Okay, then if I'm in the desert, yeah, I'm using him to wash me. Yeah, well, there you go. Also, see, yeah, see, water's nice.

See, water's lovely. We're in the desert because water's not useful unless you're in the desert. Yeah, well, if I'm here, why am I saying that wouldn't be part of the usefulness category? Keep up! You're yelling at the wrong person. I'm yelling at the table. The table knew.

Let's move on to Charmander. Charmander. Charmander. Raw athleticism. Same problem as... Runs like a toddler. Not very good. Runs like a toddler on fire.

So a bit fast and stressed. Yeah. Runs like a toddler. Like if you set a toddler on fire and let it loose in your house yeah that is charmander yeah except charmander might just like fall asleep underneath your your curtains or whatever fire hazard yeah the whole thing goes up in flames because his tail is on fire and if you put his tail out he dies yeah yeah that's him that's how it's him done because i want to put that out if and there's not really a way to contain that You can't like wrap it in a bandage

Or something so the fire doesn't I guess I'd have to relocate To almost an all tile house Yeah yeah like a stone house Yeah that's not gonna worry too much When he's on fire Or you just make like a metal pen for him And he stays he's an outside Charmander

Actually fucking most of the time He's in a goddamn Pokeball anyway So whatever Yeah but I assume at this, he's an outside Charmander. Actually, fucking, most of the time he's in a goddamn Pokeball anyway, so whatever. Yeah, but I assume at this point he's not. Why? I'm going to keep him in the Pokeball because he's on fire. Of course, but that case, I'm just like, all their usefulness is kind of... No, that's the thing. It's the usefulness, not pros

and cons of the usefulness. Yeah, okay, fair. I would shove him in that Pokeball. I'm never seeing him. Yeah, absolutely. I would only, for kind of all of these starters, I would not him in that vocable. I'm never seeing him. Yeah, absolutely. I would only, for kind of all of these starters, I would not have as pets, except maybe Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur, yeah. But Charmander certainly is just dangerous.

Yeah, his tail is, I know that we just said that it's hard for his tail to go out, though. It's not like rain would put it out or if you just, like, squirted him with water accidentally or something. Yeah, but, like, regardless, because I can't put it out to have him safely in the home. No, he would be an outside charm. What if I got a plastic bag full of water and just tied it around his tail? That would probably kill him, yeah.

It's fucked that no other Pokemon is like, this will kill this Pokemon. I think if the flower dies in Bulbasaur, that kills him. Well, don't spray it with pesticide. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you shoot Squirtle in the head with a Glock, that would probably kill him too. That's the Pokedex. Squirtle, the turtle Pokemon.

If you shoot this Pokemon in the head with a piece, it'll die. Rest in peace. Could I use... This is not getting into usefulness, but basically use Charmander in the kitchen. He's a solely... He's a kitchen pet getting into usefulness, but basically use Charmander in the kitchen. He's a solely... He's a kitchen pet.

Well, yeah, but again, like, the benefit of Squirtle is that if you're in the desert, there is no water. If you're in the kitchen, you'll have a hot plate. And also, like, what are you doing? So, you're like, I need to heat this saucepan up. So, you're just holding it over Charmander's tail. No, because he breathes fire, yeah? Yeah, he breathes fire. He can do an ember.

Yeah, so you're what? You're flambéing some... Well, again, if we're in the desert and I... Okay, how about this? We, he breathes fire. He can do an ember. Yeah, so you're what? You're flambéing some- Well, again, if we're in the desert and I- Okay, how about this? We're on a desert island. Sure. We catch some fish. Sure.

Cook them. How can I know? I'm a bit worried about this. Hey, Charmander. Eat some fish. I would get him to light the fire. I wouldn't get him to blow directly on it because then my hand's on fire. Well, yeah, light the fire.

Use ember. Light the fire and then we'll... It'll be useful. He's good at burning down tall grass if you want to play in the grass, but you're too young to play in the grass. Yeah. As established earlier in the episode.

Earlier. He's good for burning your foes. Yes. He is an actual weapon as opposed to the other two. He's good for a war. Yeah. You know when you want to give your child

a flamethrower? Yeah, yeah. Perfect. That's the perfect your child a flamethrower? Yeah, yeah Perfect That's the perfect opportunity A flamethrower with fucking Intelligence Self-awareness is what it, yeah What is Charmander's voice like?

Is he like, Charmander? It's like quite nice Char, Char, Charmander Char, Char, Charmander It's much cuter than Char, Char Squirtles Squirtles

Fucking Pachydide Yeah, yeah New Yorker voice Except when he's a Charmeleon Then he's a fucking cunt What does he say? Is he's a Charmeleon, then he's a fucking cunt. What does he say? Is he like, Charmeleon? No.

No, I can't remember. He puts on a leather jacket, starts smoking, he's like, Charmeleon, Charmeleon. And then he's just an absolute prick to Ash. Yeah. That might be on Ash, not on Charmeleon. So, Charmander, what about friendability or as a companion? As a companion, I think he'd be hot to touch. Yeah.

Again, lying down, stroking my Charmander, watching Netflix. I feel I'm going to burn myself. I just don't find him cute. I don't find him nice to look at. I think he'd be hot and, like, short-furred. Short-furred's all right to Pat. Oh, short-furred. He'd be like a lizard, mate.

Yeah. He'd be scaly. Hot and scaly and on fire. Hot, scaly, on fire. Hot, scaly, on fire. Charmander is the worst Pokemon. And like, if I'm gonna play Bite Hand with that, it's gonna like rip me in half. Well, don't play

Bite Hand. Well, then what's the point? Bite Hand is a lovely game to play. Dogs also have teeth, so if they play Bite Hand wrong... But they're not gonna set you on fire if you play bite hand wrong with a dog. They could bite your hand off. Yeah, that's true.

I guess. But presumably you and the Charmander are pals, so it's not happening, you know? Well, he might play good. Can he be all right with... I just feel we play bite hand and then he'll burn me. Yeah, well, I don't want this Pokemon... I think he'd be too excited.

He'd wag his tail, cause a fire, and then just shoot an ember at me. And think you'd be too excited, you'd wag his tail, cause a fire, and then just shoot an ember at me. And then I'm like, well, shit. I'm keeping Charmander outside in, like, a stone pen, like a farm animal. Yeah. If I've got to look after this Pokemon, that's how I'm doing it. Because if I'm not putting him, like, just jam-packing him in a Pokeball, he is outside

in a pen. Basically, you're coming to my house and you're like, where's your Charmander? And I point to the shelf and there's a Pokeball. I'm like, in there. I hated it. And now that's where it lives. He is not a house pet. If anything, he is like some kind of sheep, but less useful.

And usefulness, like we said, you can use him to light a fire. Which is useful in a survival situation. You could use him to cauterize a wound, I guess. That he has caused after playing bite hand. Yeah. I would do that with his tail on his back. I mean, if you play bite hand with any of them, I think you're in trouble. They all have

sharp teeth. Oh, Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur learns bite, I'm pretty sure. Bulbasaur's got little sharp teeth. He's got little canines. Squirtle's just got a beak. Play bite hand with Squirtle. Yeah. Squirtle, Squirtle. You might lose fingers. You could lose fingers to a beak. You could easily lose fingers to Squirtle's just got a beak Play bite hand with squirtle Squirtle squirtle You could lose fingers to a beak You could easily lose fingers to squirtle Well I wouldn't want to play bite hand with any of them

Yeah I don't like playing bite hand with dogs I don't mind playing bite hand with dogs But dogs are just dogs What about Bulbasaur Boring The best Pokemon Like walking a pot plant Looks like a combination of a frog and a bulldog.

That's fucking awesome. Has a plant on his back that's growing into his nerve. Do you need to water it? I don't want to. Oh, wait, you gotta water animals anyway. But you don't put the water on them, you put them in a bowl. And maybe with Bulbasaur you put them on him. Or a butt.

Don't even feed him, he synthesizes. He does synthesize. Exactly, he just goes outside and... Photosynthesize. He doesn't synthesize. He plays the synthesizer. You know, he goes outside, he soaks in the sun. Surely synthesis is still the same thing

if you don't say photosynthesis. No. No, because you've got to synthesize with the photo. Don't say photo and point at the sun. That is not what that means. You're synthesizing with a photo. Don't say photo and point at the sun. That is not what that means. You're synthesising with a photograph. Okay, raw athleticism.

Well, he's much faster than Charmander and Squirtle just that he's using all four of his legs. Yeah, but he's got the smallest legs of all of them. He actually has no knees

pretty much. And he's also got this weird thing on his back probably holding him down. He's very heavy. Although, so does Squirtle about to shout which I feel is heavier than a plant because plants are light. God, thing on his back probably holding him down. He's very heavy. Although, so does Squirtle. That's a shell, which I feel is heavier than a plant, because plants are light.

God, look at his back legs. For a moment. Everybody Google Bulbasaur. Look at that back leg. What is that? Fat. It's just fat. Cool red eyes, though.

Yeah. He has like, they all have kind of like toddler chubbiness to them. Yeah, they really do. Bulbasaur, look, you're cute as hell, but you are not fast. Bulbasaur looks like it has gout. Bulbasaur, the gout Pokemon. It looks like he's probably better at leaping. Yeah, like a frog.

I guess he's kind of built like a frog a little bit. Man, it's bad to look at any Pokemon for too long, you know? And I reckon he'd be good at Bite Hand. Yeah, he'd be great at Bite Hand. He's got a big wide mouth. Yeah, and you only got the fangs on the side. Yeah, you can kind of fit your whole hand in its mouth. And I feel he'd be gentle.

I don't know why, but I feel out of all of them, he's the most gentle. I always feel like Bulbasaur would feel great. I always feel like Bulbasaur would feel like... Like petting a dry frog. Or like a chia pet. You know what I mean? Or like when you've just got your hair shaved

and you can kind of feel a little bit of the fuzz. I feel like he'd feel like that. Where are you getting fuzz from? He's clearly a reptile. I don't know. I see fuzz. You're getting fuzz on fucking Charmander. All of them are lizards. Look at this hairy turtle. It'sander. All of them are lizards. Look at this hairy turtle.

It's not. They're all fucking lizards. It's just one's wet, one's probably not wet. Actually, one's wet, two are probably not wet. One's wet, one's very dry, and the other one's just dry. Like, there's little darker green patches on his body. You know, okay, here's another analogy. There's another penis analogy?

No, it's got nothing to do with penises. So, you know those, like, hey, it's a book for a child full of sensations? Yes. Oh, you think those patches are going to be furry patches? Yeah, that kind of fur, like a sensation fur. But they're not, they're just a different... Have you seen a frog?

Yeah. He does not look sticky. Imagine a frog. You thinking about a frog? Yeah. He does not look sticky. Imagine a frog. You thinking about a frog? Yeah. What colors are frogs' skin? Many different. Could be yellow.

Yeah. And would you say that it's many different on one frog as well? Yeah. Would you say that frogs potentially have patches like Bulbasaur? Yeah. And would those patches be furry? They're not grass-based. Neither's fur, dickhead.

Yeah, but Bulbasaur might have little bits of lawn on him. Shut up. He doesn't have a lawn on him. He's a lizard-looking fuck. Yeah, he'd be like patting us like a skink. Yeah. That'd be kind of cool. Well, that loses points in my mind.

Yeah, none of them are good to Pat. Lying down'd be kind of cool. Well, that loses points in my mind. Yeah, none of them are good to pat. Lying down, stroking my Bulbasaur, watching Netflix. I reckon that'd be a lot of fun because he's got a good head and face

you can kind of get all up in. And plus, you could play with his petals. I like the idea of scratching underneath his bowl. I'm not going to open it up. I'm just going to like,

you know, like how you rub a dog's ear. You know how dogs have folds that's fun to scratch? Yeah. Yeah, but you know that... But I wouldn't dog's ear? You know how dogs have folds that's fun to scratch? Yeah. Yeah, but you know that... But I wouldn't scratch in the plant. I'd scratch under the plant, near the stem.

I'm not fingering his plant. I'm just... Underneath the near stem. Underneath and doing all the... What about friendability? Bulbasaur looks like he'd be a big friend. He'd be a best mate. And he'd cuddle up on your lap,

and he'd give you little kisses and shit. Can you do me a favor, though, and check weights of Pokemon? Yeah, of course. Because I have a feeling that Bulbasaur's heavy. Don't. I think it might actually be on the page that you're looking at there, Zammett, on the right. Oh.

It just says he's 71 centimeters. So that's not that helpful. Starter weights. That'll help me. No, it didn't. Of all the ones, because, again, Charmander and Squirtle are both bipedal, which I'm not a fan of. This is the only one that I can be like, yes, it is an animal. I'm happy to have him around the house at all times.

He's not causing a fire or making my floors wet. Yeah, he also doesn't seem like... He seems clean. Yeah. He seems easy to maintain. Oh, Bulbasaur weighs 7 kilos. Yeah, easy. Charmander's 8.5 kilos.

Squirtle's 9 kilos. What the hell? I guess Squirtle's 9 kilos. What the hell? I guess Squirtle comes with a shell, maybe? But Blastoise, 86 kilos. Charizard, 90 kilos. Venusaur, 100 kilos. Big boy. Wait, that's actually not...

That's just the weight of a big fella. Yeah. But like... That's alright. Venusaur looks heavier than that. He sure does. Venusaur looks like he should... Look, the Pokemon weights and sizes are just fucked.

Yeah, Venusaur's two foot... Two metres tall. Yeah, two metres tall but weighs as much as a heavy bloke. He's light. He's light. He's light. It's mostly air in there. No, it's mostly plant weight.

Yeah. Alright, so Bulbasaur out of the original three starters. Yeah. Alright, so there is one more starter that's important that we didn't touch on. It's mostly plant weight. All right. So Bulbasaur out of the original three starters. Yeah. All right. So there is one more starter that's important that we didn't touch on. And not available in red and blue, but available in yellow. You may be familiar with them. Pikachu. Pikachu.

Pick and chick. Pick and shit. Yes. Ears furry. Ears are basically an electric rat. Yeah. We weighs six kilos big rat that you would be fun to like fuck around with you know yeah like i feel like when you pull one of its ears back it goes and it shocks you i don't know i think pikachu's got too much attitude but that's only one bad pikachu not all pikachus are like that. Raise your Pikachu right.

He's got a big grin, which I am a fan of. Playing bite hand would be all right. He's electric, which is not super helpful in any aspect of everyday life. Are you kidding me? Oh, no, the power's out. Need to charge my phone. Just jam it into the Pikachu's back. And what's that, son? You've got power.

I imagine if it's broader electricity. I'm like, Pikachu, suck on this charger, and I put the charger in its mouth, plug it in. Done. It'll surge my phone. I hope it does. You deserve it. Ah, shit.

I feel like you're going to be abusive to Pikachu after that. I'm not going to be abusive to any Pokemon. Oh. Oh. Also, one thing we didn't mention with Bulbasaur, though, the vines. He has vines, remember? Yeah.

So he can, like, pick shit up, but you can't reach it on topaur though The vines, he has vines remember So he can like pick shit up And you can't reach it on top shelf That's bad because you're like Bulbasaur don't eat these crackers I've put them up high and Bulbasaur just gets them down I'm like bad Bulbasaur Those were daddy's crackers Then I throw an embarrassing Fiat

Daddy needs his crackers. My friends are worried for me. How can I eat these cheeses without daddy's crackers, Bulbasaur? What do you reckon, Bulbasaur? You're making a scene in front of all of my good friends, Bulbasaur. You've ruined my 27th birthday. Bulbasaur? You're a bad Bulbasaur you've ruined my 27th birthday Bulbasaur you're a bad Bulbasaur Bulbasaur is getting flushed

then I try and flush it down the toilet but it's too big and also water is not very effective it's bad you guys have called the cops and again you were right to Bulbapedian which is the Pokemon Wikipedia.

Uh-huh. Pikachu. And it's given me three kinds. Pikachu, basic. He's your basic bitch. Basic bitch Pikachu. Cosplay Pikachu has a heart tail. And cap Pikachu who wears a cap.

Can I have cap Pikachu? Yes. Done. I will be very smug about how mine is not a Pikachu. It's a Cap Pikachu. What the hell? All righty. Look, Pikachu with a cap.

I guess. Hell yeah, Cap Pikachu. You know that that's Ash's hat, so in this theory, it's taken one of your hat. So not only do I have a Pikachu with a hat, I've stolen a hat from a hero. That's pretty good. It's probably just going to take your hat. Oh, no. Yeah.

Couldn't you just give it any hat and then it's a hat Pikachu? I'm not sure. Is this the kind of thing where I've gone to the Pokemon Adoption Agency and they're like, oh, here's the Pikachus. Here's a Pikachu for 200 yen. Yeah, or PokéDollars, whatever it is. PokéDollars. Oh, we've got a cat Pikachu for 200,000.

I'm like, ooh, and this cat Pikachu, yes, comes with a cap. Ah. I'll take it. Well, if it's cat Pikachu, raw athleticism. Pikachu's a quick boy. Yeah, very quick. He's a zippy miss. He's very zippy.

He's about and he's about. Friendliness or friendability. Let's see. Has an attitude. Has an attitude problem. He's probably not... It's not going to be great if I'm, like, again, sitting on the couch, stroking my Pikachu, watching Netflix.

I feel he's going to zap me like electric shocks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not paying attention. Yeah. Hates being in a Pokeball. Yeah. And I'm going to eventually put all my Pokemon in Pokeballs. Eventually?

Straight away. And flush them. Why are you flushing them? Teaching them a lesson. Flushing them. I don't know. I just get in these moods. I've had such a bad day at work.

I need to put some Pokemon down. Jackson, how- He keeps stealing Daddy's crackers. Where's your Pokemon, Jackson? Ah, I flushed them. Flushed a bunch of them. Flushed a bunch of them to the sea. How are you going to go in tall grass now?

I'll get more. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah, so look. I also imagine Pikachu's kind of like a cat. If you rub him the wrong way, he gives you a little shock, you know? Yeah. Probably has the temperament of a cat, to be honest.

Yeah. Whereas I feel Bulbasaur has the temperament of a dog. Yeah. Bulbasaur has the temperament of specifically Melody, the studio dog. Yeah. Because just like whatever is happening is happening. You know what I mean? I feel like that may be projection from both of you but that's

fine. Basically a dog that thinks it's a cat? Yeah yeah and Charmander and Squirtle are just trouble Pikachu what about in terms of usefulness? Again I can plug my phone. I can shove electronics inside Pikachu

and charge them which is useful. I don't know if you can phone. I can shove electronics inside Pikachu and charge them. I don't know if you can, though. I reckon you could. There's nothing saying I couldn't. Well, the cheeks are the electric part of a Pikachu. Then I'm going to be jamming a laptop into its cheeks. It's going to bleed. Oh, well.

What happens if a Pikachu, like... You got upset about my bidet idea. Sticking... What if a Pikachu... If you just... Say you have an electronic device and that just gets hit with raw electricity. Like if I just shoved my phone onto like exposed wires, would it charge my phone? Probably not. Or kill me. Well, if you had, say you put your phone on the floor like Pikachu, use thunder shock.

Yeah. It might charge or it could blow up your phone. Or if I'm like Pikachu put this in your electric mouth. Yeah. Nah, because it's electric cheeks.

His cheeks are the electric. I know, so if you inside you Oh yeah, maybe it's a bit insulated. Maybe. Then Bite Hand becomes an issue again.

Oh yeah, Bite Hand is going to suck. I'm going to be like Bite slash electric hand. Benefit of Pikachu is that if my heart ever stops

all he has to do is zap me up. Plus Pikachu have Pikachu is that if my heart ever stops, all he has to do is zap me up. Plus, Pikachu have Pikachu tears. Bring Ash back to life from being a star. No, that was everyone. Look, it was a whole thing. Okay. What?

You know what? I don't want to know. No, look. Let me explain it to you. I don't want to know. Joel Zammett, are you listening? Turn your headphones off. Turn them off.

Oh, they're off. Good. Trick is you're not using Edferns. Yeah, I know. Bit of a theater of the mind. Bit of a theater of the mind. Anyway, so at the end of the Pokemon movie, Mewtwo, bad bloke, turns Ash Ketchum. Do you know who that is?

Yes. Hero of Pokemon. Yeah. Into a stone. Oh, no. Yeah, that's right. He's dead. By then, the Pokemon are like, oh, no, Ash is dead.

So, they all have a cry. Yeah. And then the tears run onto Ash and he turns not into a stone. Oh, he's dead shit by then the pokemon are like oh no ash is dead so they all have a cry yeah and then the tears run on to ash and he turns not into a stone oh that's good so it wasn't just pikachu so the the combined tears of pokemon can cure death can cure turning people into stone well yeah it was like a medusa thing so maybe it doesn't cure death he might have been alive in there could have been a carbonite situation. All right. Look, ultimately, I'm choosing Bulbasaur because I can eat him if things go wrong and he's not going to kill me. I'm also choosing Bulbasaur, but not for those reasons.

I think Bulbasaur would make the best pet, but is the least useful starter Pokemon? Our question was vague, so honestly we don't know what categories we were looking in, but I'm happy with wherever we ended up. Charmander. I'm prepared to get your house burnt down,

dighead. No, put it outside. Ash Ketchum. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.. A boy. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. Don't own a boy.

Who's that Pokemon? Gotta catch him all, gotta catch him all. It's Ash Ketchum, a boy. Help me. I'm 10. I'm 10 and this man is making me fight dragons. You eat daddy's crackers, Ash. No. You'll fight the dragon. I'm going and this man is making me fight dragons. You eat daddy's crackers, Ash. No.

You'll fight the dragon. I'm going to flush you. Get in this bowl. Where's my bidet? Asterisk this cup of water and start spitting. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at SansPantsRadio. Or you can find us individually.

I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com, and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us,

head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.