Plumbing the Death Star - Which is the Worst Fictional Afterlife? (Feat. Mr Sunday Movies)

Episode Date: September 21, 2015

In which our heroes bite the big one, shuffle off this mortal coil and look into the void that’s awaiting us all as we question which fictional afterlife is the worst. We try to make awkward conversation in an eternal waiting room, get up to wacky hijinks as we possess a baby and discuss the inherent problems of being able to beat Death in a board game. Jackson has an unnatural hatred towards uncomfortable chairs, James doesn’t want to be alone, Duscher wants to know if he can bring his DS and Zammit just wants to drive everyone off a cliff. It’s a terrifying journey into the afterlife as we realise it’s all just a hassle and our ghosts are probably going to be in servitude to some asshole in a robe.Want to help fund renovations for the afterlife’s waiting room? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the comfort levels of your eternal wait. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twenty eight books about how to organise the afterlife efficiently. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPensRadio. Too spooky! Do you need somebody to entertain your children at their birthday party? We don't have any training but we're super enthusiastic. Email us at sanspensradio at gmail.com and we'll hop in the van and come right over. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter and our Patreon account, head to sanspensradio.com. Hey guys and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star,

where we ask the important questions like, which is the worst fictional afterlife? Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. Beetlejuice! Alright, because, okay, so not what happens to Beetlejuice himself. That's shit, don't get me wrong. Was he a god, like a real guy? Yeah, he was like a, I feel like he was a pervert, and this is his punishment. That's my basic.

It's not a punishment. He's having a bloody great time. No, but he clearly doesn't like it, because he's trying to marry the girl. Like he's trapped in that land with a curse on him. And there's like a curse worm. Yeah, there's the curse worm. It's a bad time.

There's a person that's cut in half in that, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, it's rough. There's a waiting room. Yes. That's what I'm trying to be yelling out like seems like That's him that's Alec Baldwin Alec Is the banana thing the banana saw just like you guys saw this Just tell me when you're done. Is he a good guy? No, he's a bad guy, isn't he? Nah, the movie's

named after him. There's no movies that are named after a bad guy. The one thing I hate about Beetlejuice is the fact that in the film,

his name isn't spelt how it is in the title of the film. Is it like the juice of a beetle? Both of them are wrong. Beetle is like B-E-T-E-L

and then juice is like G-U-I-S-E. I was going to say like Warren Beetle, but that's Beattie. Can I go yet? No. I'm going to tell you more about the film, Jackson. It was a bridge. Beetlejuice possesses

people at dinner. I could, I could, I'm there. None of those were words. They'll run out eventually, surely. You have. Okay, good. He wears black and white stripes. Yeah, never mind. Oh, he does that thing with his face

and they reference it in basketball there's gonna be a sequel where he goes to Hawaii that's true this is so good sorry I

the sandworm would have made sense thank you for your time I wanna talk about shut the fuck up the waiting room the one with the half person and these people who've been injured in life

that is the afterlife in the Beetlejuice world because that's also where Alec Baldwin and his wife Gina Davis when they die they are in a car crash and they're lovely people so it's not like this is hell

this is just where you go right this is the world maybe it's purgatory regardless wait hang on do I remember

Alec Baldwin and Gina Davis die yeah they're the ghosts on the bridge pay fucking attention when I'm a writer alone you knew so much about the movie

but the core concept has escaped you is that at the start of the movie yes but the core concept has escaped you. Is that at the start of the movie? Yes. Yes. Oh, my fucking God. Is that how Beetlejuice comes into it? Because I could never remember why Beetlejuice is involved.

My God. Let me die. You know what? Carry on. I'll try and figure out Beetlejuice in my own time. I think this is where Goths came from. Yeah. Like Winona Ryder.

She kind of kick-started it, certainly. And that and... Neil Gaiman. No, and the other lad. Fingerless Gloves. Finger Lad Lad. Finger Lad Lad? Edward Scissorhands!

Ah, fuck that guy. No, Finger Lad Lad. Imagine you die. Yep, okay, good, I'm there. I'm on board. And for some reason, instead of ending up in heaven with eternal peace and joy and love, you end up in what is like a dingy waiting room that smells clearly, is hot and unpleasant. And that's it.

That's what you wait. Because that's, I mean, granted be, that's not heaven or hell. That's purgatory from from memory, in the film. Correct. How awful. Well, that's purgatory. You just wait it out. Does it go somewhere else after? Yeah, but they have to wait for such a long time. That's the point, and it's not like

Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis were criminals. Yeah, but time is subjective, right? No, you can tell. Everybody in that room looks like they're having the shittest time. They can just go to sleep. Read a book. You know our hot waiting room? There are you can tell. Everybody in that room looks like they're having the shittest time. They can just go to sleep. Read a book. You know our hot waiting room? There are like four magazines. You're there for eternity.

Four magazines will not let you cope. You're there until you get served. You're there for effectively eternity. Are you waiting to be called up? If you remember at the end, Beetlejuice, when he's sent back to there, he sits down and he opens up his card, and it's super long. His number is in the billions.

And then he looks at the guy who's next, he looks at the number, and it's like 35. You're there. Classic gag. Classic gag, but you are there for a long time. You were going to read those four magazines like that. Can I bring my DS? No.

You cannot bring your DS when you die. Only the clothes that you were wearing. Can I bring an iPad or a Kindle? What about the things that are in my pocket when I die? I don't... I reckon I could fit a Kindle in my pocket. Because I reckon my DS would definitely fit in my pocket. So you're going to say that for potentially billions of years.

Or you've got, like, you know, the Australian converter. But they have, like... You don't have the one for purgatory. Can you have sex? Hmm. Well, I mean, Beetlejuice tries to feel up that girl next to him. Yeah. But she's not having it.

Yeah, but that's less on the fact that I have sex. So if you can find a willing partner, potentially. Hey, that's all right. Yeah. That was real weird. Whose voice was that? Who the fuck are you? Not a douche of a, that's for for sure i just think that would be an awful existence

to try i'm like how disappointing you know you're trapped there for like effectively eternity so long that you'd probably just go insane plus plus you're stuck with the thing that killed you still happening to your body but can you you still feel it? By the way, I'm back. Don't know who that guy was. Where's he at? Some other guy. It's weird. I don't know if you can feel it, but like some of them fucking,

I think one guy has a, one of those ski poles through his head. That can't be great. Well, I don't know. If you've got a thing through your brain and it killed you, you're probably not feeling much anymore. No, but it's still like visible.

It's still like moving with your head as you move. It's through the front. Yeah, it's through the front. From memory. Somebody has something. It might not be a ski pole, but they've got something poking out their head. How big is this waiting room? It must be infinitely huge. Yeah, so like... It has to be, yeah. Alright, well, okay. On the flip side, you die. Like, you know, your friends also...

Alright, you're in... We're all in a car. I'm like, hey guys, you wanna be funny? And just swerve the cliff. Yeah. We're all dead together. I'm like hey guys it's gonna be funny and just swerve the cliff we're all dead together classic gag classic Zamet joke and we're all in the afterlife together and you'd be like fucking Zamet you piece of shit

but I guess we're here now you think that I would forgive really quick my turnover in your mind is super I'm like you killed us but whatever

I don't care anymore 100% that will be my response I'll just be like you killed us, but whatever. I don't care anymore. 100% that will be my response. I'll just be like, you killed us, you idiot. But imagine you sit down on that seat, it's that uncomfortable waiting room seat for eternity. Then your legs get tired. Then sit down again in the chair, I'll feel real good. I was going to say, rather than murder-suicide for all of us,

even if we just die naturally, you're going to be like, hey, I'm just going to wander up this way or that way and see if i can find my loved ones and i'm like it's all your waiting room forever yeah but the whole time searching like hey you're my fifth grade gym teacher punch him in the face why did he also die to hell no because waiting what you said in beetlejuice how it's up to 35 and beetlejuice has this infant like huge number that means that that many people are in the waiting room as well. Yeah, I suppose. Which means you can go for a wander, just meet up with some old chums.

Or new chums. New chums, make some friends. Say hi to all the World War II people that died. Or one, depending how long. If I saw World War II people, I would be like, oh my God. These guys died for a good reason. Presuming they're not German. You just drove me off a cliff.

And also I'd be like, they're not processed yet? I still have to wait till the World War II guys go through. And see, and there's no priority. It's not like, oh, you did a great deed, you're up the front. That's not how it works. Find Gandhi, like, hey, you're a new dude, you piece of shit.

I would not want to do anything that might ruin my chances of getting judged one way or another in purgatory. You are going to hell, Dusha. No matter what you do in purgatory. So you'd all be in the Beetlejuice heaven, and then you'd be like, where's Dusha? Just like, ah!

Just burning forever. Damn! I wonder if it would just be like, yeah, I knew this was coming. I like the time it drove us off a cliff, but you're in hell. You killed Dusha. Straight away, through the pearly gates.

Do you think you'd get swapsies? Like, if you're like, hey, you went up to one of those World War II guys, and you're like, I'm sitting next to a smoking babe. I'm sitting next to Marilyn Monroe. Swapsies! Why are you sitting next to Marilyn Monroe? Did you do more swapsies to get there? You sure did.

That's why I got in hell. I cut the line. I think it'd be kind of cool because then you could talk to people who had clearly lived a different era. You could learn about their lives. Jackson, you fucked up. This afterlife is alright. No, it's awful. It'd be like going to a hostel that lasts forever. Your fucking reasoning.

Yeah, no, I'm back on that. Right? Because it's just strangers. It's strangers and it's smelly. It's strangers until you meet them and introduce yourself. That is the way you bring people into a hostel. When you go to a hostel. It's great. Travel, backpack.

You get there and you're like, this is smelly. No one speaks that language. Kevin, do you want to play pool? No, I don't, Kevin. Fucking beat it. Get out of here, Kevin. I just want to fucking go to bed, wake up, probably look at touristy things.

You can't. What if you're sitting next to someone who is annoying? What if you're sitting next to someone who is just drooling? Are we chained to these chairs? If you get up, someone might take your seat. But you've got a number. You've got a number. It's like a deli system.

What if you miss your turn, though? What if you miss your turn, they call you and you're not? Do they ever call anybody? Yeah, they do. If they're calling, let's say... Slow. If they're calling 136 and I have 133 and I'm like, oh shit, I missed my call. I could cut in and be like, sorry, 136.

No, but that's the thing. The whole place is super like officious and anal about that shit. And they also don't look after you when you die. When Gina Davis and... Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin die, they're like, what do we do? And there's this lady who just can't be fucking dealing with their shit. She gives them a pamphlet.

She's like, there you go. Useful, informative. Yeah, no, your reason for this afterlife being the worst is just solely because she's like, waiting rooms have kind of uncomfortable chairs. No, it's that the afterlife in this universe is really poorly maintained. You got really mad at me in an episode of something we did together

that I said that my ideal heaven is everything's just kind of comfortable. You're saying you hate this solely because it's uncomfortable. Same fucking thing. Oh, you motherfuckers. What happened here is that you were cutting me off and having a good time and then when it came for me to present my argument

you were still in the same let's cut off Jackson mode I'm done Let's move on 4 out of 10, it's not bad I'm going to choose Heart and Souls Is that the one where Robert Downey Jr. is hassled by ghosts? Yes

Do you have to hang around Robert Downey Jr. if you die? No, you basically and like six other people who die near you are attached to a baby. So specifically the events of Hearts and Socks. I remember this. Yeah, do you have to, so it's only if you're in an accident near a baby or something? I'm thinking it's only if you die.

So say Zammett drives us all off a cliff. Yes. Again, in a car, but we're near a child this time. You don't have to be near a child. Yeah, you do. That's how it happens in the movie. The baby's being born right next to the bus, and then the bus crashes, they chuff off to the baby. So this would have to

be that you drive off a cliff at the same time as a baby's born in a picnic. Am I like, hey, where's Dusha? Ah! Burning! Why? Or it would be, again, just picnic. Am I like, hey, where's Dusha? Ah! Burning! Why? Or it would be, again, just me and Hal being like, well, this is better than being stuck to a baby. Well, I don't see what's so bad about that.

They love that baby. Well, they do, and understandable. But after 30 years, you always have to be near that person. And I was going to say, it's not so much you die near a baby being born, but if you have unfinished business on Earth, you need to go be attached to this new soul and make sure your shit gets done by a particular time limit and then we're gonna choof you back to heaven right yeah is that a clear clerical error that it's 30 years uh it's a clerical error that no one tells them oh okay they can possess little yeah danny jr to get shit done and then

they can sing the national anthem or or make out with someone or whatever. Yeah, good times. Tell us where the buried gold is. I mean, yours is similar to mine. You're just mad that heaven is disorganised. It's disorganised. I've got to hang around this one kid and I've also got to hang around the people who died near me.

That's going to be frustrating and awkward. And you don't know them, I guess. I don't know them. Your options are limited as far as people interact with. At least in Beetlejuice you have an infinite world to be frustrating. And you don't know them, I guess. I don't know them. Your options are limited as far as people interact with. At least in Beetlejuice, you have an infinite world to be like, yeah, I'll chat with these people. What happened to you, Skipo? What happened to you, Cutting Half?

What happened to you, The War? The War. From me down to about five bazillion and six, it's The War. You can skip us. Next question. You are super rude so what happened to you is like zamit drove me off the cliff yeah me too like hi i'm zamit you thought it would be funny i guess no but you're so i mean heart and soul doesn't seem so bad like you get to raise a kid you'll eventually

learn to like the people you're with they do do in Heart and Souls. I can't. Learning to like people is not something I'm fond of. The only person who doesn't is the criminal. And he's having a fine time. But it's 30 odd years that you spend with these people. And it's not like, you know, 30 odd years you spend with someone, you're like, hi, nice to meet you, goodbye, blah, blah, blah, I'm gonna go to my place. No, it's

30 years you are spending with these people constantly. Yeah, but you don't need to sleep. I don't know. It doesn't seem... That's something I was thinking about. I was like, how would you sleep? Whenever the baby moves, you move with him.

That's true. You wouldn't sleep. You're a ghost. Yeah, well, that's the thing. I think I'd probably spend most of my time lying down and just be dragged by the baby. Yeah, that's what I'd do. That's what the criminal guy does, and he has a good time.

I think I'd enjoy raising a kid with, like, if the four of us had to look after a baby. Oh, yeah. I think it'd be okay. There'd be three of us and me and Hal. Three ghosts and a baby. I can see it now. And then, you know, if there's no clerical error,

I know I can possess the kid if I need to get shit done. Like throw him off a cliff and be free! Off to heaven by force! What if the kid dies and you're attached to him? I failed as a ghost dad, so chalk that one up to me doing it bad. You're joining Dusha in hell, I imagine.

Are we going to now talk about the ghost dad afterlife? It's a bit of a hot topic. I think we should. Yeah, so that's good. And plus, I can possess him all the way from a baby to an adult. How much fun spooking the bear? He would hate you. Like, so much.

He would. He'd be like, I like my Zabit dad and my James dad and my Boucher dad, but my Jackson dad keeps making me do crazy shit. I'm like, I'm going to jump him. I'm going to see if I can, like, wrestle my dad to the ground as an infant. His dad will be like, why? How good?

I would love that. You know what? I would love that, watching you do that. I kind of want to go in a supermarket and he's, like, peeling all the bananas and that's all. Yeah. How good? Just doing weird, annoying shit. Yeah.

The dad is like, what is wrong with our kid? Yeah, like making him shit his pants and just whatever. You can do literally anything. Like, how amazing. And then as he ages, you can get shit done.

You can abuse the fuck out of that pal. Those guys had 30 years before anybody checked up on them. That's right. And you can also disappear and will almost to the baby. To traumatise him. To traumatise him.

So basically, if you want to traumatise a child or an adult, heart and soul, nah, nah, I'm loving this half-life now. You've convinced me. Robert Downey Jr. is nowhere near mad enough when they come back. He's just like, you guys. And they're like, hey, can we possess you? He's like, no, I guess.

And we can possess him and sing an awesome song and freak everyone out is that what you need to do yes like unfinished business for me would probably be like yelling at zamit driving me off a cliff so i'm there we got you we walk to like our graves yeah so you possess the kid just like yelling at me yelling at the grave but looking at me. You motherfucker. Yeah, I know. I know. And then you, like, what, get in a car and drive a new bunch of people home. It's just what I need to do.

Robert Downey Jr., this is who I am. In this universe, if you complete a task, though, like your task, you can go to heaven. Yeah. So I just got to drive it all the way to heaven. So that's your task. Okay, right. So you win, basically. You would win. Although, hang on, if we're going exactly by heart and soul's rules,

then it would just be either me and you if Deuce is going to hell or just the three of us if he hasn't. Zamet would be the one coming around picking us up in his car because the bus driver crashes and the bus driver has to go and get them. So that would be your punishment. You'd be the eternal bus driver. Punishment or reward.

I don't know. You'd have to go and pick up souls. We'd be like, Zammett, no. I'm not getting in that car again. And we'd be double mad at you because you'd come back 30 years later. Like, I forgot. Like, dude, you fucking killed us and you left us with this baby. What?

What? You can get in the kid. Oh, my God. The monster. Didn't I tell you this? Huh. I thought I mentioned it. But I was like, as I was driving down,

I'm like, by the way, I'm a ghost and you can possess a kid. And then we crashed. Nope, didn't happen. Must have thought about it. By that point, I'd have forgotten what I needed to take care of. Don't you think this is a long time to wait before taking care of something? It is.

Like, mine would just be like, oh, I missed fucking Fast and the Furious 9. I need to go catch that. Go grab that. Yeah, what if my thing was like I need to catch up on like all these awesome TV series I didn't watch we're doing a binge night kid what possess him open up Netflix oh god damn

here we go shut up I'm watching House of Cards House of Cards season 17 I hear it's an absolute riot that's the one in the future Kevin Spacey goes to space he becomes half ape yeah

house of apes he becomes the president of the moon which is planet watch him manipulate his way through that one so I think we can talk his way

out of anything sounds great yeah no it's just it's a good time I fucked up what a time 4 out of 10

not really like the worst but whatever 4 out of 10 8 out of 10 yeah you really fucked it up I of 10 8 out of 10 yeah you really fucked it up 10 is great

yeah 10 is ideal I was going the other way so mine would be like a 1 out of 10 because it's just too good oh no it still works

because 4 out of 10 because Jackson's off life's not great but it's not the worst yeah yours is actually a good time yeah

so 1 out of 10 no it's an 8 because we're grading it on. One is worse. All right. Ten is best. Then, Jax, I'm giving you a six.

What? A six. I'm sticking by a four. Four. Eight. It's still good. Come on. Okay, so I'm going to take a weird tactic where I'm going to describe an afterlife that sounds like a sick time, but let me tell you why it would be awful.

We'll interrupt you, but go on. Bill and Ted's bogus journey. Bogus. So two rad dudes, Bill and Ted, get thrown off a cliff by the evil robot osses and die. They then go to purgatory. Oh no, I just realised I don't remember the film properly.

Something happens and they end up in hell. Anyway, they come back. They get exorc back. They get exorcised. They get exorcised. That's right, they get exorcised to hell because they're spirits for a bit. So first of all, there's a lot of layers to why this one sucks. They die, then they become spirits

and they're just like floating around. That's pretty cool. It sounds alright. But they can't really do anything. You can watch though. They try to contact one of their stepmoms who is doing a seance. The seance makes them visible to everyone.

So seances work in this universe as well. That's stressful. Oh, yeah, because you could be doing your ghost business and someone's like, I call, you know, do shit. Like, wow, goodbye. I was making ghost pancakes. That's what I mean, because everything goes fine. That's pretty much where I'm going to get to with this.

But everything goes fine for Bill and Ted but if like just applying these rules to everyone not good. So yeah they get exercised end up in hell.

Hell is just breaking rocks by the way. So like a chain gang from the 20s. For eternity. I think we're

coming up with body strength alright. Yeah that's another thing. They like it as well. Everything goes so

well for them but if I was in the exact same situation I would be having the worst time. Isn't there infinite nightmare rooms as well. Everything goes so well for them. But if I was in the exact same situation, I would be having the worst time. Isn't there infinite nightmare rooms as well? Oh, yeah, infinite nightmare rooms as well. That's right. Because there's one of them scared of the Easter Bunny,

one of them scared of the army dad. Okay. Infinite nightmare, okay. I mean, kissed by their nana. That's another one they're scared of. Kissed from nan? Oh, whatever. No, because she has a mustache and stuff.

It's scary. You tell me some stuff about your nan. Don't get into that. True. Yeah, and then they, eventually they get to meeting death, like the Grim Reaper. And it turns out if you beat the Grim Reaper at games of your choice, you get to come back to life. Good. Stressful.

There is people that, like, dying should be kind of permanent. stressful. There is people that dying should be kind of permanent. There's like three levels of just dying not really being permanent in the Bill and Ted universe. Because you become spirits first. Easily contacted by a seance. They can also possess people.

Oh yeah, they can possess people. So you've got my awesome time of being like, I'm just going to possess someone and do some like, rassle my dad. Or rassle that kid's dad. You can possess the people that you're stuck to. Spir a dad you can possess the people that you're stuck to spirits of this

can possess anyone yeah but I get it the terror of yours is that anyone can do yeah anyone can

do it think about how many people die but you're saying the afterlife like life in those situations would be hectic

as hell yeah you've got me life sucks afterlife rules afterlife would be like the best I'm gonna be possessing everybody

and then if that goes bad who cares I'll just go meet death and then beat anyway what's that

rock paper scissors oh fuck you you chose rock and I got paper why did you choose the game of chance because I figured what's wrong with you

because death I'm not clever I'm not athletic what would you pick I don't even see mousetrap because who knows

the rules of mousetrap yeah yeah taking forever to set it up and you just leave. Just fuck off. That's like... Also, you can just jump from whatever, whatever. Like, they go earth to hell to purgatory to heaven, back to earth. They go to hell...

They go to earth... Fuck. They go to heaven, that's the word I was looking for, and trick their way into speaking to God. Yeah, they beat up some angels yeah and steal their clothes so we can beat up some angels, steal some clothes, talk to God

and be like hey what up you actually just are describing literally the best afterlife yeah I thought mine was great, this is the best but this is so bad life would be so terrible who cares I'm already dead.

I already drove a car off a cliff. The moment I come back after cheating death, beating death at like a game of I don't fucking know, Trivial Pursuit, I'm gonna end up back in Earth and be like oh wait, this is fucking awful. Jump off a bridge. Like oh, I forgot this is a world where everybody is

alive forever and jumping into bodies all the time willy nilly here so yeah no thanks whoop whoop whoop back to hell break some rocks trip up to heaven chat to god beat up an angel there also if hell is just breaking rocks for eternity

and nightmares nightmare hallway play a game of guess who with death yeah guess who with death how great I guess also you could spend your entire life just getting really good at one board game and then when you die

just be like hey death let's play this one yeah or make up a game be like have you played this game because I haven't heard of it and you explain the rules

and play a snombo like a little kid where you like change the rules as you go like oh actually the green card actually means that you lose three points

sorry and death will be like damn it so you have like a whole bunch of you know undead ten year olds coming back to life yeah

fine I've picked the best one but a very very very scary life as a life living in that world

terrifying like a nine out of ten you'd have like a lot of me just possessing people driving people off cliffs not great well that's fine because that would just lead to more spirits so like there'd be a lot of me just possessing people and driving people off cliffs not great well that's fine

because that would just lead to more spirits so there'd be a lot of I'm just saying it's one cliff with a whole mound of cars it's true

you get like GTA that's what you're doing I love that in this world we all come back and it's like anyway I'll drive you guys home oh god of course of course the Billings Ted universe is

hectic because there's time travel there's robot versions of people that look like the normal versions of them there's two guys that have a band that changed the face of

humanity somehow it's pretty good they're making a third one so I'm pretty excited about that me too Bill and Ted rules I don't think

yeah they die again that would be impressive that'd be alright that'd be alright so four eight

nine yes sure okay well look this isn't like a set universe but I think any kind of

Japanese horror movie where everyone comes back as a weird ghost yeah where you can't really communicate and I guess

though you are having fun but at the same time you're alone and everyone hates you. And it's how you died. You kind of come back in a weird fucked-up version of that. I'm talking the grudge, the ring, probably other ones. So that's all of us in some spooky-ass forest from this car crash, all mangled and shit, crawling around on the roof.

I mean, how is that? There would be this like, yeah, don't go to this Highway 60 whatever. It's like there's three guys all mangled trying to get you and one smiling guy. Yeah. Just waving a mangled horn. But how is that for us as these creatures? That's what I mean. Is it fun though? Am I like like this is what I want to do

Or are you like I'm cursed to be weird Well in the grudge Aren't they looking for help The little kid But in the ring She's a flat out monster She's not good in life or death So it depends on

Well I think in that instance, Zamet is a terrifying, creepy, like, climbing up trees and leaping down on people. And he's probably having a blast. But the rest of us, either me, you, or Dushub, he's not in hell. Hey.

Just smashing some rocks. It's still not good, though, because you're right, you can't communicate properly you gotta communicate in like shit you gotta breathe on like the car window and write what you need help for like they close a mirror and you're behind them and you're like

and they're like ah but really you're like they have a dream where your hand comes out of their mouth or something I can't like verbally gloat to them yeah your face will do that to you comes out of their mouth or something. Yeah! It's like, I'm sorry, I can't like, verbally gloat to them. Yeah. Your face will do that to you. I drove these idiots off a- it's really funny to imagine like, you know like, there's that scene like

they're in a car and like, the window fogs up and it's like, hell, it's written, and then on the other one it's just like, I drove these idiots off a car. It's like, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's equally as creepy. Yeah, it is, yeah. And that's only if we die in a car crash Like we probably will

The ring, the kid died in a well Yeah, drowned in a well Mum drowns her a little bit Drowns her a little bit? Are you like, cause in the ring You know, she becomes part of that whole curse With the videotape, I don't know how Yeah, what's the connection with the videotape though?

I have no idea. Does Mum, like, film the drowning or something? There's a remake, so we'll know then. They're making another version of it. Maybe if she didn't die, she would have been, like, a really good director. But is that a risk we run of dying when that's our afterlife? Yeah, what is...

I'd hazard a bet that that's not the only afterlife, that there's probably something else, and that's our afterlife. Yeah, what is... I'd hazard a bet that that's not the only afterlife, that there's probably something else, and that's very specific. So maybe the actual afterlife is super cool. But even that... Like you're breaking rocks or something. Yeah, breaking rocks, playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. No, but is it a risk we run?

If we die in a car crash, is it going to be like, oh, you drive your car here, we're just bound to kill anyone who drives through that forest or you know what i mean yes well you're happy about it but the rest of us not so much sorry i was just thinking about bill and ted again for a second death becomes their friend and they take death to earth and death is their friend and just hangs with them does that mean people stopped dying? Because he joined their band. Or is he... Oh yeah, because he's in all the magazine cuttings. Yeah. Life is

not good for Bill and Tad's world. Death is just the best, but life is a hassle. In it... What a movie. I know, right? What a great film. Death wins Indy 500 at one point by running. That's amazing. Wild Stallions sell out

the Grand Canyon twice. That's a big place. What's that? Just packed with dead bodies. What is that? What do they mean? They sell out the Grand Canyon. I think that's where death's in the band. They touch everyone. They die. He just stacks up the Grand Canyon.

All these floating ghosts are like Motherfuckers. I guess I'm going to watch this fucking band again. I'm going to try and possess Bill. they die he just stacks up the Grand Canyon all these like floating ghosts are like mother fucker I guess I'm gonna watch this fucking band again yeah that's right I'm gonna try and possess Bill

and death is like nah no you can't fuck you also I think if you die in a J horror movie yes

the only way you can communicate is there's a J horror movie about the girl who gets an eye transplant and can now

see the eye the dead yes they remade it in America, set it in Mexico, something people do for some reason. Same thing happened with Let the Right One In, as an aside, like when we remake foreign horror films, we're like, Nevada,

Mexico, let's do that. That's our version of the snow, their version. I hope they remake Snowtown and put it in Nevada. Yeah, but in that movie, the ghosts are like, oh, my God, here's someone who can see us. Help.

So you die in a J-horror, then you're automatically creepy as fuck, and you can't really get across to anyone that you need help. Yeah, you can't chat with your... Can you chat with your ghost buddies? I think it's just you. It's just you. Like that. Yeah, yeah.

Like, it's... You're,'s just you. Like that forever. You're like silent, alone, terrifying. And terrified, presumably. Yeah, exactly. Like a terrifying womb. And you're a kid a lot of the time, if you died a kid, that is. Yeah, we hopefully wouldn't just become children. Yeah, that's not fair. We'd just be like, this is puzzling.

This doesn't really add up with the car crash scenario have you guys got other ones that well this is six cents that one's pretty fucked because that means like when you die if it's in an accident or something you're just sort of stuck in the same accident forever and you don't know you're dead yeah which is also very horrific because yeah living like the same awful thing over and over again, but also not knowing you're dead, because at least I guess if you're like, hey, I'm a ghost,

and I have to just keep doing this thing until... Because the kid that's got good shoddies shot in the face, someone got poisoned. Yeah. Sixth Sense is kind of fucked. What about any fantasy novel or movie where somebody dies and their soul goes into a sword? That's not great.

There's a lot of weapons in Mortal Kombat that have like a thousand souls. Yeah, like imagine being one of those souls in a katana. Get me out of this sword! It's crowded, it's packed, I don't know what's going on. Stop putting me in, people. No, stab him again, stab him again. Like if you were just like, just one soul, one sword. It's packed. I don't know what's going on. Stop putting me in people Just once all one sword yeah one saw one sword policy

Soul caliber somebody loses you and you're just lying there at the bottom of a lake or whatever. Yeah, you're just like like It's a scale. It's me. No scallop is just a magic. So some master sword have people in it No, so basically though, you a magic sword. Does a master sword have people in it? No. So basically, they get the douches on it. That's forged by the gods. Plows in a rock in the middle of Nevada. That's all right. And just chips off. Now, whoever pulls out the douches sword will be crowned the true king of Nevada.

Does it have to be a sword? Could it be like a garden hose? What about something like a little garden trowel? Yeah, sure. Well, I guess the only reason it's probably a sword is because it was your sword. Like if for some reason you were fighting with trowels and garden hoses. trowel? Yeah, sure. Well, I guess the only reason it's probably a sword is because it was your sword. Like if for some reason you were fighting with trowels and garden hoses...

Or you were killed with that sword. Yeah. Okay, so if I wrapped a garden hose around someone and choked them out, their soul would go into the garden hose. Obviously. Clearly. That's how death works, guys.

Well, in this specific... This universe with this specific set of rules for dying, yeah, that would happen. If somebody dropped a brick on your head, you're like, I guess I'm a brick now. That's shit. Are you attached to the brick or are you inside the brick? You're kind of inside the brick.

And anybody who picks up the brick, you're like, you must avenge my death. Yeah. Which is just not a life for anyone. And if you get cracked, whatever you are, you go, you fly off nowhere. You're just into the ether

which has a brick maybe that's good I don't know that's sort of like the sweet release it's just like I free now oh thank god

plus a brick is like super fragile Dragon Ball Z has a pretty fucked up afterlife you just have to fight all the time is that an afterlife

or is it just like earth not earth but like another planet it's just another planet. But everyone's got Halos. Yeah. It's that Dragon Bridge. Yeah, there's that Dragon Bridge

King Kai, and then King Kai dies, but then he gets to go back to his own planet. You can wish anybody back. Yeah, I don't like that. Even like the ultimate fictional afterlife, Valhalla is pretty awful. You know, like Viking afterlife? Yeah, sure, what goes on there?

Well, you get to hunt and eat. And drink a lot. And drink a lot. And feast. And feast. That sounds fucking amazing. Forever, though. Ah, yeah, I guess.

For eternity. If you're into that, but for me, I'm like, I don't want to do that. I know, I don't, like a feast will be good. Drinking will be alright for a night, like once a week, maybe.

I'm sure there's like a side room you can go have a nap. That's the problem with all afterlifes. Like, it's like if they're really good, you're just going to get bored. Yeah. And if they're really bad, you're going to be like, wow, I wish this wasn't so bad. Yeah, and then eventually bored. And then eventually bored over and over again.

Like, What Dreams May Come, the Robin Williams one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, again, Heaven is just like beautiful and amazing and it's all so great, but it's, you know, he gets duped by his own kids who are like, by the way, I'm not Cooper Gooden Jr. I'm your kid. Yeah, yeah. Is that what that is?

Is that what happens at the end of that? Yeah, then it's like, where's my wife? And he's like, well, she killed herself, so she's in hell. Does he have to go get her or something? He's got to go to hell and get her, and hell is hectic as fuck. And then you're like, I'm bored of heaven because you clearly would be. Is it just him in heaven in Cuba Gooding Jr

no there's a bunch of people there's a heaps of people there's a place where it's like a painting it's like some lovely bone shit is that what that is has anyone seen

Wrist Cutters Wrist Cutters a love story that's I can't remember no it's a great film you do get I'm checking out of heaven

and it's going to be reincarnated again and they do like Robin Williams and his wife and then they meet again when they're kids so he's going to fall reincarnated again. And they do, like Robin Williams and his wife. And then they meet again when they're kids. So he's going to fall through the same bullshit cycle again, over and over again.

Which sounds romantic, but really kind of boring. Nothing new. Yeah, probably. One of the biggest problems for me with any afterlife, oddly enough, J-Horror, or... being a sword j horror is looking like

the best and all the people best worst yeah well i mean the worst yeah it sounds like a nightmare but like there's always other people in heaven like what dreams may come i don't want to be sharing my heaven i think i don't want to be alone either i want to have my friends but i don't have to you're like in this whole like bunch of, so you've got no personal space. You're just literally body to body, all moaning and screaming. Star Wars Afterlife fucking sucks. Not everybody gets it.

But is that good, though? Force ghosts? Fuck that shit. But you have to be a Jedi to get Force ghosts. Otherwise, it's just boop. And a very specific Jedi. You have to be Qui-Gon Jinn or Obi-Wan Kenobi. Anyone who's died after Qui-Gon Jinn.

Yeah. Who is a Jedi. So I'm not guaranteed a Force ghost. Does that mean everyone who gets killed in Order 66 gets Force ghost? No, because Yoda didn't teach it. But Qui-Gon dies before Order 66 happens. Yeah, but he discovers it. And then he tells Yoda.

That's also scary because you shouldn't be able to figure out things after you've died. Okay, fair. And if we can kind of think about if Obi-Wan is controlling the missile. Which I always thought he was. I always assumed that he's like, just believe in yourself. I don't know. Or is the Force just a bunch of dead people that you can will to do you what you command? Oh, man.

Jesus Christ. So if you're controlling the Force to go pick you up something, what's happening that you can't see is a bunch of dead people or their ghosts just walking over to whatever it is, grabbing it, walking over to you. And however good you are means more ghosts. Or however bad you are means more ghosts. So there's like 80 guys under that X-Wing

just carrying across the swamp. This guy is the best. So does that mean when fucking... Who does the Midichlorian speech? Qui-Gon. Yeah, when Qui-Gon's like, it's Midichlorians. There's a thousand ghosts being like,

you piece of shit. It's us. Unless the Midichlorians are ghosts. Yeah, is that what you're saying? Like they're all microscopic things? Oh, whoa. I wasn't, but now I am. Well, Midichlorians are sentient,

so that explains a lot. Oh my God. now I am. Well, midichlorians are sentient, so that explains a lot. Oh my god. So I guess, yes. Midichlorians. So in the Star Wars universe, you die, you just kind of hang around whoever. Because if it was like you become part of... I'll get that for you. You want that bottle of coke?

I'll go. I'll go for you. There you go, buddy. Star Wars Ghosts is like a 1 out of 10. How bad is it? It's not good. It's not great. Because you'd have to be in tune with everyone, because usually if, say, Obi-Wan or Yoda or whoever's

using the Force, is looking at something and wants it, you have to read his mind a little bit. Why do you think he wants that? With the Force, you're always doing stuff with your hands to show what you're trying to do. So I can imagine a couple of ghosts looking at his hand. Okay, he wants that. Go, go, go!

Is it like there's so many ghosts that they can just all kind of collectively move it along? Yeah. Maybe so they can pass it on kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. There's three things in a row, and he's like, I think he's pointing to the middle one. They grab it, and he's like, nope, he wanted it on the far right. That would be so confusing, using the Force,

and the wrong thing comes, and you're like, I guess I'm just bad at using the Force. So if you're the first guy who dies, you're just furiously running around moving things to everybody. Because there are so many people with the Force. Oh, you get confusing as if there's two Force wielders

fighting. You'd be like, who am I getting shit for? And then you'd be bumping into the other guys force ghosts are some guys red and some guys blue like is there bad what is force lightning

does that mean when force choking is also yeah I was gonna say when Vader force chokes him there's just some ghost being like sorry mate it's a guy named Darren

sorry buddy sorry but he's making us yeah I was in a car accident sorry speeder accident my friend drove me off Sorry, but he's making us. Yeah, I was in a car accident. Sorry, speeder accident. My friend drove me off. Joel is the amateur.

So, that... You'd be a bad Force ghost. That is a 1 out of 10. 4 out of 10. Whatever. 8 out of 10. 9 out of 10. Like 3 for J-Horror

sure J-Horror's kind of horrifying Star Wars just horrifying like a you are hell you're a slave

it's a hassle you're a slave there's more chances for like a Benny Hill-esque sketch yeah so that's kind of good

that's a benefit yeah but think about it how funny would it be like you know like get the J-Hror of the eye, right? So you can kind of see the dead people. If you're in a Jedi universe and you kind of get that,

and suddenly you're seeing all these, like, bunch of people who are just, like, hovering around, like, holding shit, like, oh. What do I do now? Where are we going? What does he want? And then just suddenly they all just start waving at you, and you're like, oh, okay. That's great, because if you're using the force on something,

there'd be like a moment of indecision before it came to you. Well, that always happens, though. Like, think about it. Like, even. Oh, you would just not stop laughing. Every time someone uses a force, it's never like a completely instant thing. Like, think about, like, probably I guess the best example is, yeah, like Luke's trying to, well, when Yoda's raising the X-wing out of the swamp.

What are we doing? Picking up the... Because he stands there for a bit, and everyone does it. They close their eyes and focus a bit. So all the Force goes telepathically linked to the Force. He wants the X-wing! And it's how good you are at connecting. So if you like Palpatine, you can just fling giant discs.

Yeah, and everyone's like, we got you. We know this guy. This is easy. We just you can just fling giant discs. Yeah. Yeah, and everyone's like, we got you a million. We know this guy. This is easy. We just pick stuff and fling it. It's great. So if you can't use the Force, does that mean that they're purposefully not listening to you? They're like, we don't like this guy. Maybe.

Han Solo doesn't get the Force. Han Solo, no. Too handsome. Too handsome. A bit of a dick. You got a handsome face. Yeah, you don't get the Force. That's enough.

Yeah. It's like, or are you destined to become part of the Force if you can't use the Force? Oh, fuck that. Because if the Jedi's die and they just become ghosts, right? Yeah. And they're not controlling shit. So there's less of them.

So if you're a normal person, a non-Force user, are you just destined to become one of these Force minions? Oh, God. Force minions. I hate this. Harry Potter's not great. I hate to bring it up. Oh, God. That's horrible. I hate this. Harry Potter's not great. I hate to bring it up. Oh, yes.

Sorry. Harry Potter is like a lottery when you die. They spin the wheel and they're like, you're either going to become a subway fetus, a ghost, you're going to get... There was another one. It's not just...

Painting? Are they ghosts, though? Are they just representations? They're just representations of you. I think, to me, isn't that like you split your soul? No. It's not a horcrux.

Shut up. It's a different one. Yeah. So you're either going to become a subway fetus or a ghost. If you're a ghost, yeah. There's echoes out there? Oh, yeah, there are echoes.

But is that actually them or is that an echo? Oh, the zombie people that grab shit. Oh, there's that as well. Yeah. Or if you're a ghost, apparently all you do is stand around the person you love.

Like when Harry, I think he's in the... Looking in the mirror? No, no, no. He's having a fight with Voldemort, and he sees all the people that... Is he trapped in your wand? I think they're echoes. I don't think they're actually there.

Fuck. But you get trapped in a wand or something. Yeah, yeah. There's the stone that you turn that brings people back from the like a wand or something. Yeah, yeah. There's the stone that you turn that brings people back from the dead. Resurrection stone.

Yeah, that's the one. Dumbledore breaks that I'm pretty sure. Someone breaks it. He's a jerk. Nah, Harry just leaves it in the Forbidden Forest.

Oh, that's right. Oh yeah, he drops the resurrection stone. Probably a centaur is going to step on it and be like, what the fuck is this? Pick it up

and all his dead centaur bodies are like, hey, want to go hunting? But we can't touch shit with ghosts. You can get trapped in a diary. I'm going hunting. You can get

fucking... All of these happen to like the one guy too. Yeah. At least there's options I feel though. Yeah, but do you get to decide? Dumbledore went to heaven, didn't he? Well, he's hanging out in that subway though with the fetus. And he may not have been real, because it was like, maybe this isn't real, whatever, fuck off.

Get out of my subway. And then he just spends eternity just kicking that guy. You piece of shit. Stop it, come on. Dumbledore, no. You won, you won. No, I didn't,

but you fucking killed me earlier. You won, you won. Almost did, but you fucking killed me earlier You won, you won Almost sounds like he's turning into a warrior Fuck spinning that lottery I think any afterlife where there's just a chance Of multiple things happening is a bad time I want a no, you know what I mean? I want to die and I want a guy to come to me

And be like, hey, how you doing? Give you a pamphlet? Here's your options. I'm kind of glad. No, but they don't get a thing that's like, here's your options in Beetlejuice. They get a thing that's like, this is what's going to happen to you anyway. Fuck off.

I'm kind of glad that in all of these situations, I think I just went to hell. At least I understand what's about to happen. You went to the same hell each time. Eternally burned. On each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it.

Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. It's fire.

Just you, just fire. Just me and fire. That's all right. I've had worse. What's drop dead Fred? Is he weird? He's an imaginary friend. Okay, never mind. I've had worse. What's Drop Dead Fred? Is he weird? He's an imaginary friend. Okay, never mind.

I won't get into it. It's a great film. Oh yeah, he's an imaginary friend that disappears and then comes back when she's an adult, I think. That was like a genre of film back in the day. Heart and Souls,

Drop Dead Fred. It was another-y. Another-y? It was a genre of film. Three of them. That's enough to make a genre. films three of them that's enough to make a genre hey it'll do

well on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've also been Joel I've been James don't die ever should people tweet

about their afterlife whatever so if you think you have a one that tops our shit mate what the fuck hang on

what the fuck was that if you think you have a one that tops our shit. If you think that... Here are words that I'm having a stroke, I think. If you think you've got a worse afterlife than what we just came up with,

tweet us at Sandsmiths Radio and we'll correct you. Yeah. Because I think we pretty much covered them all. I kind of think swords, being a zord. I'm going to choose that. Fuck that. Yeah, I of think swords, being a zord. I'm going to choose that. Fuck that. I don't want to be the sword. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.