Plumbing the Death Star - Which is the Worst Fictional Santa?

Episode Date: December 24, 2017

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; which is the worst fictional Santa?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio. Merry Christmas. It's Christmas. Celebrate Christmas. Celebrate Christmas. thong is the government mandated footwear you might know these as flip-flops jandals or the australian slipper it's the perfect podcast for comic book movie news reviews and discussions with an australian twist that's comic confidential you can find them on itunes stitcher or wherever good podcasts are found like pack down behind the sofa um if you do have a look and end up finding one of ours down there feed it some powdered sugar and a small shot of coffee, and then please return it to P.O. Box 7127 in Reservoir East, Victoria, postcode 3073. That would be much appreciated. Also, in some live show news, we're doing a national tour kicking off on the 19th of January in our hometown of Melbourne, before heading to Perth Fringe for two nights, then heading up to Sydney for RTX and an RTX after-party show.

And if you're looking to grab a weekend pass for RTX Sydney, remember to use the coupon code SANSPANCE for five bucks off your ticket. After that, it's Brisbane, Canberra, and then across to Adelaide for their Fringe for two nights only. All the dates and where to grab your tickets are available from our website, sanspanseradio.com slash live. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, a very special Christmas bonanza episode. We ask some very important Christmas questions,

like which is the worst fictional Santa Claus? you better watch out you better not cry better not pout I'm telling you why As opposed to the very real Santa Claus. Obviously we know the real Santa is great and he's doing a good job. We should all be happy. He's a fucking trooper, that Santa. That's so Nick. He's doing alright.

When you guys wake up on Christmas morning and you've got presents, count your blessings that I didn't talk shit. Don't just put out milk and cookies. Write a note. Thank you for your service, sir.

And maybe thank the plumbing boys as well because if we had publicly announced that Santa Claus is not real, he wouldn't have come. He's like a fairy and it'd kill him.

Right. Well, I'm going to put forward Santa Claus from the movie Elf The Will Ferrell classic Elf Partly because He kidnaps a boy He doesn't kidnap a boy He just acquires a young child

And then doesn't do anything with it If I found a boy in the house And I just like And you're like, you're going to call someone I'm like, no, I might keep him. The thing is, he doesn't exactly keep him. He just gives him to another, he just gives him an elf. And then he's like,

here's the information, by the way, because in this situation Santa Claus is all-knowing. So he's like, yeah, the dad doesn't actually know the kid was born, the mum's dead, but whatever. Here's a baby boy. Free baby. No, I mean, like, the law would not state that if you have an

orphaned child, that if you keep it, that's legal adoption. That's still a... I'm not sure there was a whole film about this called Big Daddy. Orphans are fair game. Orphan boy? Question mark? That's a freebie, full stop. That's the 1996

box office classic. In Santa's defense already, he is very old. Yeah. So back in maybe the early hundreds of- In Edwardian times, you didn't even have to be an orphan. You could just be like, you're mine now, and you work in the coal mines. That's how you get manservants, I guess.

Yeah. Exactly. mine now and you work in the coal mines. That's how you get man servants, I guess. Santa Claus, he seems to shirk most responsibility at all in this film. We're going to kind of bounce around the whole film. But towards the end, because Buddy stops believing in Christmas and is almost about to jump off a bridge, which is a great moment in a kid's film. Hey, look, Suicide and

Christmas have a long storied Hollywood history. What do you think It's a Wonderful Life is about? Oh yeah, I was going to say Miracle on 24th Street but It's a Wonderful Life is what I meant because he's like, I'm going to kill myself and the angel's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Buddy, imagine if you were dead

and he's like, ooh It's a short film That'd be crazy. Oh, fuck. Thanks, man. That's all good. Sick, haven't you? That was easy. We should make a Plumbing with a Death Star sequel. It's a wonderful death.

So Santa Claus crash lands in Central Park and he's just like, shit. And just, I guess, sits there for a bit. Because the only time we then see him is when Buddy runs up. And he's like, Santa! And he's like, huh, the sleigh is broken. And you're the elf to fix it.

So he's just not doing it himself. No, he's like, go. He wasn't doing it. He wasn't looking at it. He wasn't repairing it. He was just kind of there waiting for someone to come along and help him. And it just happened to be Buddy. When it comes to sort of making all the toys or whatever,

that's what the elves are for. Yeah, yeah. And so, you know, he doesn't exactly give the elves any break. He's like, hey, well done. This Christmas you did a good job. Now start preparing for next Christmas. And all the elves cheer. Hey, quick question with the elves in Elf.

The toys they make, because this is every Christmas movie, the toys the elves make are not toys kids of that time. Were they making iPods, is my question? Were they making wooden trains and dolls and shit? They were making Etch-a-Sketches. Okay, no, that's all right. That's still like a modern thing that elves had to learn to make. Cool, cool.

Just checking. The brother gets like a rad skateboard. Okay, so there are elves constructing skateboards in Santa's workshop. So it's not just like, you know, because like your typical elf workshop, I just imagine him hammering like a wooden horse. So that's pretty easy.

Yeah, yeah. I gotta assume. So there's that kind of thing where you shirk responsibility. And of course, shirking responsibility of raising Buddy. He's like, shit a child, a human child, pulling it off to an elf. But then I also want to have just a quick look at the elves themselves. Yeah. Elves themselves.

I don't think that maybe that, say, he's just irresponsible, and Santa Claus is irresponsible. I kind of think he's a monster. Okay. That's a monster. Okay. That's a good start for worst. Bold statement, I know. Hot take right here. But if you look at the elves,

they're very much a controlled society. How was that very loud beverage? Was it good? I think I got away with it. I absolutely... I think opening the bottle into the microphone is what really gave it away. I think I'm getting away with it.

Gulp, gulp, gulp. Just let me pause. Yeah, good. Nobody can tell. Exactly. It's eggnog, it's Christmas. It's Coke. It's vanilla.

Vanilla, so it's Christmas. Oh, it's actually Christmas today. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Merry Christmas, everyone. So we first meet the elves. We know exactly what they are.

And they're saying, like, what we're good at is only three jobs for an elf. Yeah. You can either making shoes at night. Right. I don't know why they can't do it in the day, but that's their law. That's elves. Making cookies in tree, which is apparently a fire hazard. Sorry, a tree.

I've used my own notes. Just make cookies in tree. Making cookies in a tree. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Make cookie in tree, yes. Which apparently is a big fire hazard. And of course, building toys in Santa's workshop. Those are the only three vocations for an elf.

But Santa's only involved in one. He didn't make the elves act this way. He's just capitalizing on a system that already exists. This is really weird, because if you look at Christmas like a reverse heist, it's like the brains and the driver are the same person, and that's fucked.

Yeah, normally the driver's just like... A lackey. He's there as well. He's not the one planning the heist, although he should be, because you're not in there and you can hightail it out when things go awry. To be brains and driver is the best position in a heist. That's probably why the brains never hires... Himself.

I guess... Why is the brains? He's a clever man. But also the brains gets to walk away, because if the brains is also the driver, if shit gets fucked, he's a clever man yeah but also the brains gets to walk away because if the brains is also the driver if shit gets fucked he's like well i've caught red-handed yeah yeah so those are the jobs yeah also apparently l was a very good storytellers it's not a job apparently but it's just something that they excel at sure um and the reason why they're so good at building toys is because of- Tiny hands. Yes.

Their nimble fingers. Their natural cheer and something- Active minds. There you go. Written by handwriting. I'm like, what the fuck? It's weird that you took notes on an actual piece of paper. I did.

Ah, because you would have been watching it on your laptop. So you'd be like- Active minds, natural cheer, nimble fingers. Natural cheer doesn't help you build a house. But it helps them work for nothing. No, that's true. So I'm going to propose to you either one of two

options. Either this is a natural occurring elf. So the natural occurring elf in the wild has like an active mind, cheerful, happy, basically do some work, nimble fingers that kind of stuff and santa claus is like oh i'm seeing in the wild i'm gonna capture a bunch of them chuck my workshop and make sure that that you know the workshop runs smoothly give them a nice you know place to live or north pole and eugenics oh i honestly prefer the second one because it's not enslaving a race.

I mean, it's still eugenics. I feel it's worse. I think you just put awful scale. It's like a 10 and a 10.5. I don't think if I was eugenics and elves to build toys, I would give them natural cheer. Surely I'd give them like a dedication to hard work. But natural cheer might make them easier to... Maybe it's also easier on Santa's consciousness.

Even though he knows that it's fake. It's sort of like... The best prison is a prison with no walls, Jackson. Yeah, that's true. So them being really happy that they work people could just get out. Hang on. Bye. I guess you didn't build a wall, you dickhead.

See ya later. I killed a guy and they just put me in a field. There's not even any guards here. I'm going. You guys are... Did I just go? Why are you guys still here? You guys are fucked.

Anyway, see ya. We're booking an Uber. But no, you got a good point. It's about, it's a mental game with the elves. I think nimble hands make some good surgeons, is what I keep thinking. It's good in most things. Yeah. Good at card tricks, coin tricks.

Other illusions. I'm not there to show you you had a big long thought. Tiny hands. Tiny nimble hands. What can I do with them? Well, I mean, this Santa seems like a pretty generic Santa. There's nothing too bad about him, except for... He's irresponsible.

He kidnaps a baby. He kidnaps a baby. Or at least he kidnaps a baby, then shirks the responsibility to other people. But he didn't know. The point, Buddy climbs into his sack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it just that he arrives in the North Pole and is like,

I'm going to go all the way back to America. Fuck that. He can just stay here. Maybe he's not irresponsible. Maybe he's just a lazy fuck. It seems just like he's lazy. And then in Central Park being like, I'm not going to fix it.

Someone will fix it for me. Someone will come. Oh, Buddy. My self-made. Being so lazy that you want no responsibility, pretty much go hand in hand. I mean, like, lazy and lack of responsibility. Like, there's a crossroad. And also, because no one in this world believes in Santa Claus, clearly he stopped caring around about the 60s, apparently.

That's when the magic Christmas belief started to fade. Also, in a world where Santa exists like this real life one, Merry Christmas. Alright, phones settle down. That's usually Jackson's role.

My phone's not even on the table, ready to go. My alarm went off at three today. I don't know why. God damn it, Josh. God damn it. I was up. Yes. In a real life world, much like the real life world we currently live in where Santa exists,

if Santa is real, how do you stop believing in him? If he's delivering you presents, why are you just like, nah, not real? Who the fuck's delivering you presents why are you just like nah not real who the fuck's bringing you presents then it's also funny that in every world where that's the case the parents must just be lying a parent finds a present under a tree from santa the kid's like hey did you get me this and they're like yes i have a theory about that one yeah is that most couples in those worlds have really bad communication with each other. So, say the husband looks that

and it's like, yeah, wife got it. And the wife looks and is like, yeah, hubby got it. But then there's movies like The Pulse. But also like you were a child, you know Santa was real, you got presents. Or you're like,

yeah, it was Santa, but clearly my partner is now getting the so it must have been mum or dad so i can see that believing that lie me too well like as a kid i don't remember the point like you just got a whole bunch of presents and you're like someone from santa's home you kind of didn't distinguish. Yeah. You know what I mean? And then kind of as you grow up, you're like, oh, yeah, it was all mom and dad. Cool. And you move on. And then Santa, I guess, gives up on you. Did the hippie movement kill Christmas?

Is that what the film is positing? Because that's weird. Sounds like this film has a capitalist agenda. What else happened in the 60s? Free love. Christmas was killed. When was Watergate? That was...

70? I think it was a bit later. That's a shame. People becoming disillusioned by their government and then becoming disillusioned by Santa Claus. If we can't trust the president, why should we trust fucking Santa? Santa's like, no, no, no, I didn't...

Gosh, I hate Richard Nixon, no, no, no. I didn't. Ah, jeez. Gosh, I hate Richard Nixon. Ho, ho, ho. I'm trying to think. Was it Christmas? Either it was belief or Christmas cheer. I think it might have been Christmas cheer. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so the whole, again, in the 60s, we lost our Christmas cheer for some reason.

I still don't know what they're trying to say there. Woodstock destroyed Christmas. Why should I care about Christmas when I can care about rock and roll? Santa in bed reading a book. He's like, Mrs. Claude, do you feel that? Somewhere.

I don't know. Who is a big Woodstock? Jimi Hendrix. Jimi Hendrix is like, I'm feeling powerful. The moment Jimi Hendrix set his guitar on fire big Woodstock. Jimi Hendrix. Jimi Hendrix is like, I'm feeling powerful. The moment Jimi Hendrix set his guitar on fire at Woodstock. Rock and roll cheer replaced Christmas cheer for the people. I guess is the implication.

I feel you're 100% correct. That's what the movie's saying at the very least. Another thing about elves, because again, I think most of my beeves with this particular Santa Claus is while he's a lazy piece of shit, he's also just kind of abused these elves. So we find out the food pyramid, or the

quad, whatever it was called. It's candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup. That's the food pyramid for elves. Also, elves, you fucks, syrup is in all of those things. You dumb fucks.

Candy corn is one variety of candy. Like, what is it? Candy cane. Candy, candy canes, candy corn. Candy cane and candy corn are candy. Yeah. I was thinking about if our food chain was like milk, chocolate milk. No, it's wheat, bread, sandwiches.

Yeah, that's true. So, while the owls might be dumb fucks, I just think this, who is basically, you know, keeping this being like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what you eat. That's absolutely what you should be eating. I want to say that's it. It's that phone jack. Yeah, mine did it.

Hey, yay. Christmas messages. I want to say this is all on Santa. Yeah. And Santa's the one who's been, like, basically perpetuating all these, like, myths about the elf society. Being like, this is what you eat, because I'm guessing sugar's fucking cheap. This is how you work, and by the way, I'm not paying you. Well, like, I guess...

Does it still count as work if you don't get paid? Work experience? A lot of unpaid internships. A lot of unpaid internships. Well, like, all of those things, those candy foods you cannot get in the wild. No. And they all take, like, pride in their work. Like, because when Buddy's making sketches, and he's, like, Etch-a-Sketches,

and he only makes, like, 85 in a day or something like that. It's, like, 2,000 short. Everyone's like, like buddy you're a piece of shit which means that they are very diligent they are hard workers santa is just like working to the bone well done buddy i mean that's child labor but like well done buddy for making 80 etch-a-sketches in a day yeah i wouldn't even know where to how to make one also buddy eats all that food yeah he eats the syrup and stuff he loves he like He should be dead He should be That's not good for a human's body

I mean Maybe not dead But clearly diabetes I remember reading about this woman That only ate donuts Since she was like 16 And she was like 30 And she was in trouble

Yeah Buddy is 30 So maybe that's why he's not dead yet Does he have like Broccoli at all in that movie ever? Well, he does eat, like, pasta sauce, like pasta bolognese. Okay. But then he adds maple syrup to it.

Well, at least he's getting some meat, I guess. He's got some carbs. And he does make, you know, Christmas spaghetti, which is, like, spaghetti with chocolate. Are his teeth real? Or have they, like they fallen out at some point and been replaced with elf teeth? Unless elves have really good dentists.

Little hands! Little hands, big mouth. Nimble fingers. In Little China. Well, actually, the key to being a dentist is how many hands you can fit into someone's mouth. Next time you go to the dentist, have a sneaky look at their hands. a dentist is like how many hands you can fit into someone's mouth yeah I feel like every dentist look next time you go to the dentist

have a sneaky look at their hands literally last time I went to the dentist I had four separate hands in my mouth

and it was just a regular clean usually there's three at most but the assistant sucks a good hand in there tiny hands

that's why they're good you can get eight that's a lot of hands a lot of hands crammed in your mouth so I guess maybe Buddy's just got're good. You could get eight. That's a lot of hands. A lot of hands crammed in your mouth. I guess maybe Buddy's just got very good dental hygiene. Or the elves do. But diabetes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is, I guess, it's just sort of negligence on Santa's part, really. Buddy doesn't know he's a human until this movie. But no one kind of bothers to tell him that he's a human. And clearly, as a human, he'll have different needs as than elves. And, like, 30 year old man he went through puberty do elves go through puberty all the elves are like millions of years old yeah well buddy's dad is like oh i think you know he's

about like at least 500 years old yeah so they've all gone through elf puberty and then Buddy's getting hair in weird places and feeling urges. Feeling urges for other elves and he's a big man. He might not be sexually attracted to elves though. It's kind of like being raised by bears. Yeah, true. I'm just, I'm good. You know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, isn't like, I mean, I haven't seen this film in a while. But isn't his whole thing that like when he this film in a while yeah um but isn't his whole thing that like when he comes to earth he earth america doesn't he mean zoe does she know sure does and then he's like whoa that's true yeah he's like i love this person who is also loves christmas cheer yeah like he's less attracted to her like i guess he is deep down attracted to her physically yeah but i think that the moment of attraction is the Christmas cheer. Because she starts decorating a Christmas tree.

And he's like, damn, she good at that. Yeah, that would be the moment of realization, if anything. Because the elves all have Christmas cheer and Santa has Christmas cheer. And Buddy is never shown to be like, I want to fuck Santa. He's not sexually attracted to Christmas cheer. It's just a nice bonus. It's rude that none of the elves ever build Buddy proper. He still sleeps in a tiny bed.

Yeah, several beds pushed together. Nobody's ever like, we're elves and we construct things. Let's make life a little bit more comfortable for Buddy. I think the elves are the bad guys here. Again, I just don't think they know better. Because think of the elves, right? They have no interaction with any other human, except for Santa Claus, who clearly isn't human.

Yeah, yeah. So clearly, because Santa is probably living with Mrs. Claus, who doesn't appear once in this film. But they're living together in a house that would be suitable for them. Bachelor Santa makes me uncomfortable. Mrs. Claus only mentioned once. And that was, like, in relation to, like, she made him his hat. Okay.

Or whatever. So, I don't know what's happened. Did he kill Mrs. Claus? Are we? Jimi Hendrix killed Mrs. Claus. Don't stress. So, in the 60s. Jimi Hendrix.

So, in the 60s. Yeah, when Jimi Hendrix. Mrs. Claus couldn't handle the sweet vibes Of rock and roll Alternatively Alt music yeah Alternatively No yeah

Like when Jimi Hendrix played Star Stangled Banner Instrumentally for the first time Mrs. Claus fucking cocked it Or Mrs. Claus was like She fucked up. Santa, you're a piece of shit. Who's this handsome fella? And chuffed off to Woodstock.

Mrs. Claude's at Woodstock. And that was why... This might be explained why he's a piece of shit from the 60s onwards. Mrs. Claude has left him for rock and roll. He's lost any Christmas cheer. He's like, well, fuck this. The elves can do it all. He's got a baby. He's like, well, fuck this. The elves can do it all.

He's got like a baby, you know, he's like, well, I don't want to have to raise this son of a bitch. I can't have a kid anymore because Mrs. Claus is gone.

That'll just remind me of like the children me and Mrs. Claus never had. What's going to happen? Because he doesn't want to, because he's

like, hey, when, what's his name? James Caan is like, hey, give me your costume. He's going to make a bit of a ruse. He's so reluctant to give it up. It's kind of like, hey, what's his name? James Caan. He's like, hey, give me your costume. He's going to make a bit of a ruse. He's so reluctant to give it up. It's kind of like someone who wears their ex's dressing gown.

They're like, no, it's mine. Oh, that's so sad. So I will happily argue. It was worst fictional Santa Claus, not saddest fictional Santa Claus. This Santa is sad. Maybe not. His wife has left him or dead, but most likely left

him for rock and roll. Just jumping from band to band as they died because she's immortal. It wouldn't have been with Jimi Hendrix. She's there, you know, making penis casts of every single band member. Fuck yeah, Mrs. Claus. Frankly, it's a better life.

It's more exciting than just hanging around the North Pole all day. With a bunch of elves, which are clearly brainwashed or bread wrong. I put forward the worst fictional Santa. Hang on, I'm going to interrupt you. Is this Santa actually bad? Because that one was just Santa, but sad. He's a bad Santa. Oh, bad Santa.

Oh, bad Santa. Loves chubby women. Loves anal sex and chubby women. That's a great Santa. Bad Santa's just Wario with the wrong costume. Stretched Wario is bad Santa. No, so the Santa I'm suggesting is the Santa from Tim Allen's The Santa Claus, but not Tim Allen's The Santa Claus.

The Santa Claus that Tim Allen became. The Santa Claus without the E at the end. Yes. Not the Santa Claus that was subject to the Santa Claus, although that Santa Claus was subject to the Santa Claus, but not the Santa Claus of the Santa Claus. Yep, I follow. Sick. So my reason I think he's not the Santa Claus of the Santa Claus. Yep, I follow. Sick.

So, my reason I think he's a bad Santa is that it's established in the Santa Claus that nobody believes in Santa, obviously, right? Obviously. Duh. I mean, go back to my original point of how, but that's fine. But, well, here's how.

Because nobody believes in Santa because they stopped getting gifts, right? That's literally his one a one job yeah exactly fucking whatever scott calvin's ex's boyfriend's name is he's like yep just follow christ i'm there he's like oh yeah i don't believe in santa because i always wanted this from santa and he never gave it me. And so does like all of these adults have the same story. And then Tim Allen's Santa Claus delivers them presents. Yeah. So obviously Santa's capable of it and was doing it up to a point, but just stopped and then was so ready to die.

Some of it. Oi! He's like, yes! You killed me. Put on my coat! I'm done now! That is a Santa who is He's bad because he's disillusioned With the whole thing

So that Santa was sad and didn't care This is a Santa who actively wants to die He wants to die to get out of his curse It's like Mrs. Claus left this Santa and this Santa was just like, fuck it. Who gives a fuck? Stop.

Shut it down. No, Preston. And clearly he's still got elves working there. You remember that, maybe the 90s, of a story about a mailman who instead of delivering his letters, maybe I'm thinking of Seinfeld and Newman.

Okay. Didn't happen in real life, happened in TV. Seinfeld, Newman, how he's like, I haven't delivered a package for so long. Do you reckon there's like the elves?

There's a lot of elves that Tim Allen inherits, which is again more elf issues, but whatever. So clearly there's a lot of elves that Tim Allen inherits, which is, again, more elf issues, but whatever. So clearly they're still making the toys. And clearly there are wishes of people wishing that they have a certain toy for Christmas. So is the original or the previous Santa Claus, the Tim Allen, just dumping or hoarding a lot of toys or using them himself. Although, so when Tim Allen's the Santa Claus arrives at the North Pole, all of the elves fucking hate him.

And maybe it's because the previous Santa was like, we're done. Just live your life. And everyone's like, whatever, who cares? Fuck it, man. Just enjoy your eggnog and live a little. Whereas now Tim Allen's come along and they're like, God fucking damn it. We've got to go actually back to work. I hate you, Tim Allen.

And now not only is Tim Allen looking after kids, he's delivering presents to adults as well. That's a big workload. That's a fucking heaps of work. And what he gives to fucking Scott Calvin's ex's boyfriend is a vintage game that he had when he was a kid that's no longer in print so like magic mate but the elves are working with their hands know what I mean yeah they had to make that yeah there's some smart elves but also why are they in

control what like why don't they own the Pole? Why don't they rise up? It kind of seems like they do own the North Pole and Santa's just a figurehead for whatever their elf plans are. So what are their elf plans? I don't know. But every elf there is several hundred years old, but Santa clearly isn't. So they've got, like, authority on him.

So what do they want from us? I don't know. They're giving us presents so that we trust them. Eventually elves will ask for a favour in return. Why do they want our trust? We just got to be ready on that day. Are they going to be like, kind of Doctor Who style and be like, we want your firstborn? Oh, God.

Why? What are you doing? No, if I was Santa, I guess, no, this is on Earth. So, again, not Earth. America. If I was American. Uh-huh. No, because I was thinking about the benefits of if the elves were like, I want your firstborn.

But that's a benefit for Santa, who is, in theory, on the side of the elves. Because I was going to be'll be like well if you take all the firstborns it's a lot less presence that's true that's a lot more presence net for you presence of soil and green that's the opposite of the people of the presence i guess is what i meant before we go on let's just have a quick chat about our sponsors. The Comics Confidential Podcast and Brian Cox's new book, How to Build a Universe. If you're looking for a new podcast to listen to, one filled with comic book movie and TV news, reviews and discussions, look no further than Comic Confidential. Hosted by Cade and Troy, they've recently celebrated their 100th episode,

and myself and Jack make an appearance on their show to talk all things Infinity Stones. Did you know there's a couple of sneaky other gems, like one that is just a woman called Ego, and another E which is arguably the best gem, Rhythm. Anyways, you can find us chatting about that on Comic Confidential, you can find them on iTunes, Stitcher, and just about anywhere else that hosts podcasts. New episodes every Sunday and keep listening out for future guest appearances from your favourite member of Plumbing the Death Star, the ever-silent and ever-vigil Studio Horse. She may be quiet, but her presence is felt in every episode. And you know how we often ask the important questions in life, but tend to not come up with the perfect solution? Well, the trio behind BBC Radio 4's The Infinite Monkey Cage

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and go check out this funny, silly, entertaining and educational book where they answer the most important question of all, how to build a universe. I imagine it's with a big bang, yeah? Anyways, back to Santa. To be fair, and I don't want to defend my own Santa, but I might want to die. I had to live through the various clauses that tim allen's santa clauses put through and then you're growing the beard

that you can't shave you're constantly fat and presumably tired your heartbeat is jingle bells isn't it that's not good that's a perfect way to get a heart murmur and die i feel like that is a heart murmur already i feel it's medically wrong. Although magic, so can you die? It's very funny to imagine Santa, like, unconscious. They listen to his heart. They're like, this guy needs a triple bypass. He's like, no, I'm just Santa Claus.

Then the doctor becomes Santa. Oh, shit. So, sorry to interrupt. You fucking should be. So when Scott Calvin's ex's current boyfriend is like, I have a memory where I wanted this and didn't get this, right? So, clearly, Santa Claus stopped existing that previous generation, yeah? So, in that previous generation, when they were kids,

Santa Claus would have been a certain age, yeah? Yeah, I suppose. So, clearly, or maybe, I'll put to you that a lot of Santa Claus and the previous Santa Claus, a lot of his friends and family and people he knew died. Okay. Because he outlived them, because he is magic. Yeah, true, true, true. Because, you know, Santa Claus doesn't seem to die. Yeah, yeah.

He ages to a point, like 65. Yep. That's it. So, I'm guessing maybe that was why he stopped caring. Why have we got another sad Santa? I think Santa Claus is inherently sad sometimes So if you think about it Say he's got Mrs. Claus

Is there a Mrs. Claus Claus? Yeah, that's the second one The Santa Claus 2 Mrs. Claus So she doesn't age as well? Presumably, yes So then what happened? She also doesn't get fat Which is a fucking... Dang it, what happened to the previous mrs claus dead presumably killed by the

elves at the moment santa jumped off the roof and died she also died yeah i was gonna say that's more of a murder suicide now that's how the elves knew they They're like, Mrs. Claus is going... Oh, fuck. Fuckin' hell. Unless, okay. How about this? So, you got the previous guy. That's the only thing that makes sense. So, he's got the Claus, right? Yeah.

Why does he want to die? Unhappy marriage. Ah! Yeah. So, clearly, he's like, all right. So, how about this? So, he's lived his life, all his friends, and maybe he's like, you know, he side hustles. They've all died.

Yeah. And he's stuck with Mrs. Claus, who is someone he didn't marry for love. Maybe married because it was the 20s and it was the right thing to do. I'm worried about you, Joel Zambet. Merry Christmas! Things are good! Is he okay? Because he's like Why is Santa's a sad one?

I'd kill myself too if I was Santa That was Jackson's words, not me I would Me too, that's fine But we haven't gone as deep into it as this fella So all his friends have died And now he's just left with Mrs Claus He married for convenience this fella. So all his friends have died and now he's left with Mrs. Claus

who he married for convenience? Married for convenience a green card who am I to say? Well I mean we know it's for convenience

because he dies or some shit if he doesn't get a Mrs. Claus. Which is very scary they give you a limited amount of time to find someone you love.

Well that's why I was going to say that makes sense that they're linked and we'll die together. So death do us part. So he has to get married. Okay, so it's clearly a convenience marriage.

Yeah. I was just kind of like- Malin was just very lucky, I guess. I was grasping, but now that makes it even worse. So he's clearly had to find someone to marry. Yeah. And now he's like, I'm stuck with this person, and I kind of hate them. They chew with their mouth open.

They always leave the toilet seat open. Yep. It's like I was just listening to this and they're like, huh, all right. He should see someone. He should see me. Email in. And so he's stuck with this person with just some bad habits.

And he's like, oh, god damn. And so he's just like, yeah, wanting. And then at a point he's like, well, I'm going to give a fuck about presents. He stops giving them to the children. And then he's like, elves, whatever. Just tidy up. Keep the, whatever. Do what you want.

I'm going to, or to keep up the charade. But yeah, I got to go to work. See ya. I'll be back in a bit. And he's just there at an island somewhere. Drinking on his sleigh? Drinking on his sleigh, dumping presents into the ocean. Maybe opening, what does this person get?

Oh, another bottle of Jameson. Merry Christmas, Mick! You know Garbage Island? Yeah, yeah. Someone's like, just a whole corner of this is Christmas presents. Unopened! What the fuck? That's real fucking weird.

Everyone just like looks across to the South Pole or North Pole or whichever pole he fucking lives on. North Pole, yeah. North, North, North. It's just like a trail of presents floating. I have yet to see the Santa Claus 3, the escape clause. But that's another clause he's got to deal with. And it involves Jack Frost.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't know really what's going on there But that's a lot of clauses to deal with It seems like a hassle But your first two years Is the Santa Clause 2 just called the Santa Clause 2? I think it's the Santa Clause 2 Mrs. Clause If it's the Santa Clause 2

I guess that makes sense because it's the second clause It's the second Santa Clause But this is a clause that surprises the elves Which is weird that was a secret clause yeah because they're looking at the original clause and they're like we found a second clause hidden in the first clause a lot of clauses like who designed santa a lawyer i have no idea hey also you said that santa reaches a certain point age-wise and stops. Yeah. But he doesn't. Tim Allen is only, like, he gets grey and he gets

a beard and fat, but he stays like 45 or something. Does that mean if a child killed Santa he'd get a little fat Santa baby wandering around? That'd be real good. That would be good. He has to then find it's true love. What if a dog

kills Santa? Like a fat dog with a beard. This is wrong. You have to find true love. It's a dog. My interruption was a personal anecdote, but it's a story I'm just bursting to share. And it's about a child putting on Santa's coat.

Please. So a couple of weeks ago, I had to call out a plumber to my house. And the plumber that rocked up was about 15. By himself. He was very little. He looked like Ricky Baker

from Hunt for the Wilderpeople. And I opened the door and was like, oh, hey man, come in. And I was like, oh, sweet apprentice. And just left the door open standing there for ages

expecting a grown man to walk through. He just never came. He just never came. This guy brains the plumber? Did your house get robbed? As far as I know, I didn't get robbed. That's a great ploy.

Yeah, I'm the plumber. Everyone is always expecting a plumber. Yeah, absolutely. And the point, if you answer the door and he's like, Yeah, I'm the plumber. You're like, Oh, I wasn't expecting a plumber. Oh, sorry, must have got the wrong house. Off you go.

That's a good ploy. Yeah, no, it was just real weird. It's been playing on my mind for a very long time. Was he dressed as Santa? No, but he was dressed... It was just like a child got plumber clothes. Well, I don't know what to do. I'm guessing he saw a plumber on a roof and was like,

Oi! And the plumber was like, now's my chance. Yes! Free from this plumber. Next plumber. Brained himself. It's also funny to imagine the plumber jumping off the roof. Wait, no, whatever

the fucking death theme SimuMaru is. It's none of this. The kid just grabs like, so I'll seek a free belt. Oh no. Gain several inches of ass crack. What happens in there if Santa kills himself?

Or not necessarily kills himself, but say Santa slips and, huh? It's the coat. What if no one puts on the coat? Yeah, well say Santa falls in a quarry. And dies. Like a falls in a quarry. Yeah. And dies. Like a long, disused quarry. And then his corpse sinks.

Yes. Is there just no Christmas for like five years? Well, maybe longer. Yeah, longer. That's why we're like, who is this guy? I don't know. Unless like, I don't know, maybe the elves can, like, if they're like, well, Santa's dead. You are forgetting magic.

Yeah, that's true. The coat might just get up and walk. That's scary. I like to imagine the elves being like, nobody's picked him up in a while, and they're like, Google it, they're like, ah, he's in a quarry again. Someone go with a very long stick. Can I propose one

quick Santa with a problem, and then I'll wait for your judgment. So the Santa from the Polar Express. The only reason I bring up that Santa is that all the kids on the Polar Express are from all different walks of life, and they're all kids who don't believe in Santa. And one kid is dirt poor, right? Yeah.

That's his deal. He's the poor kid. And he's never gotten a gift from Santa. And then he meets Santa, and he does get a gift. So Santa's capable of giving this child gifts but just hasn't santa has been aligning to the socio-economic like yeah like that's weird right that santa is like we all give rich kids also presents and poor kids not unless the poor kid comes to me specifically then i'll make an effort uh again in santa's defense

he might just be like i don't want to rock the boat. Oh, yeah, look, that's fair. Because then people will start asking questions. And then, like, whatever we're building with the elves isn't quite ready yet. So we don't need those questions. And also, like, if it's a poor, like, a really poor family, maybe not the greatest home, and there's all of a sudden

a very expensive gift there, you don't want to cause the parents to fight. Yeah you know while it can be like maybe the husband got it or maybe yeah that might work you know like how much money did you spend on the kid and then because that might work in like you know a place of you know like a high socioeconomic standing whereas lower there might be more questions i just got sad again so please so So in terms of worsts, I don't know, but definitely also sad. I don't know why my Santa was sad, too. I did not mean that to happen. I just like the idea of someone being like, oi, and his brain is like, now's my chance.

What have you done to me? Make sure you put on the coat. Lying man. He's like, did I kill him? Yes. Put on the coat. Put on the coat. Put on the coat.

Worst fictional Santa. You both went for films. Okay. I've gone for something different. Lying there and he's like did I kill him? Yes So, West Fictional Santa You both went for films I've gone for something different TV show? No Book? No Song So my Santa Claus Also a bit sad because he's ruining a marriage

I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus Santa Claus What the fuck are you doing, Santa? That homewrecking son of a bitch. What a dirty son of a bitch. First of all. Dirty dog Santa. So yeah, dirty dog Santa.

Yep. First of all, the child is a witness. If you're going to fuck up a marriage, at least have the fucking decency to not do it in front of the kid. Yeah, Santa, you're all knowing and all seeing. You know that kid's there. Oh, he knows the kid. That kid, that Santa

is also portraying number one Santa rule. Don't see the kid for the sake of a little lovemaking. And that's fucked up. Santa was like, yeah, look, I'm not meant to have kids see me, but give us a smooch, love. Yeah, and it's just, don't what? Like, actually think of it. It's like,ch, love. Yeah, and it's just...

Don't... What? Like, actually think of it. It's like... Okay, first of all. Yeah. No, there shouldn't be sexual conduct like that whilst you're on the clock, Santa.

Two, don't break up a marriage. Three, you've broken another rule that you have, which is kids aren't allowed to see you. Also, what are you meant to be doing while you're doing that? Delivering presents? Is that your job? Are you fucking someone over by not giving them presents?

Are the reindeer being like, where the fuck has Santa got to? My first question was like, are we sure this isn't just a single mum? Nope. There's a verse. If daddy had only seen. Okay. But the kids also clearly fucked up as well because it's like, oh what a laugh it would have been if daddy had only

seen. I reckon daddy would be cut, dude. Dad would be pretty fucking... No. No. No. It's a child. It's a child. It was a child.

So now to bring some more sad reality onto a situation, maybe. So clearly he's like, maybe daddy would have had a laugh of this. What if, I'm going to post to you guys, that the couple in this song are either swingers or have an open marriage. And this is not the first time this child has seen mommy kiss another man. That's just a sad home. I mean, you just don't do it in front of the kid. Or unless the kid's like, whatever, I'm cool with it.

No, but the kid's, based on the lyrics, the kid's clearly quite young. Yeah, this kid is very young. So maybe I reckon, look, I would posit to you guys that perhaps this couple are swingers or at least have an open relationship. And unfortunately, they just didn't keep their, you know, all this on the DL. Dalliances. Yeah, on the DL.

Yeah. It's weird. That means that Santa knew. And Santa was like, I can get a kiss in this house He can definitely get a kiss in that house A little bit more in this house Also like it clearly has an effect on the kid Because the song ends with

Hang on Fucking Merry Christmas Fuck off The song ends with the lyrics I did, I did, I really did see mommy kissing Santa Claus You gotta believe me You just gotta believe me Come on fellas, believe me

You just gotta believe me Come on fellas So he's only telling his friends Or he's pleading, maybe to a Psychiatrist Because A team of psych Leading maybe to a psychiatrist. Because. A team of psychiatrists.

They'll be like, this is cooked. That's all they've got written on their notepads. Cooked. They just keep underlining it. Kid is cooked. But imagine we're that kid's friends for a second and our mate comes to, imagine Adam comes to us and he's like, guys, I saw mummy kissing Santa Claus. I gotta be like, that's a weird thing to bring up. Like, we're six.

Also, then I saw mummy tickle Santa Claus underneath his beard so snowy white. Things are getting a little too intimate. I think Santa's getting more than a kiss there. Yeah, it's breaching some boundaries. This is Dirty Dog Santa. He's a dirty dog, but I think it's not worse. I think it's also another sad. No, it's definitely worse because at least yours are doing their job. I mean, one's getting suicide and the other one's being sad.

But they're still doing their job. Santa is... He's doing his job. He's just getting his underwear real quick. On shift. He's on shift. Which is bad. That's terms for... Or hey, we don't know if he's on his break. I don't think Santa gets a break. He might, we don't know.

He works one day a year. He takes a break on that one day, he can go to hell. You heard it here first., he can go to hell. You heard it here first. Santa Claus can go to hell. So what, he's got to work 24 hours straight? Yes, if you don't work the other fucking 300 and whatever days. 64 or 5, depending on if it's a leap year or not.

Mate, union would be on your ass real quick. You cannot have a Santa union because there's one say. You can't work 24 hours in an eight hour shift. You have to have at least a 15 minute break and a paid half hour. He gets like a 30 second break each house to eat the milk and cookies. No. It's all a break. That's part of the job, mate.

All a break. He's fucking eating all night. Get in his end door. It doesn't matter. If you're on break, you're still on shift. You can't be fucking. I can't be at my you can't it doesn't matter if you're on break you're still on shift you can't be fucking i can't be at my like working at mcdonald's and they're like all right jackson you get a half hour break i'm like i'm gonna hire a prostitute that's cool yeah i mean you could always just call up your loving partner i don't know why i went to a sex that's fine you okay buddy Merry Christmas

okay okay maybe not a great work ethic I would say worst worst work ethic definitely both mine and Sam and Santa's don't want to do the job

or aren't doing the job But Mine, I mean, just Look, Zammet Santa is doing Elf Santa's doing the job Yeah He doesn't like it, but he's doing it My Santa has not been doing the job

That's true But then passes it on Passes it on to somebody who will Your Santa's just a dirty dog Yeah I don't think we can be mad at Santa for being randy on Christmas And you know what? He's got like that milk rant It's the sexiest time of year

He's full of milk and cookies The horniest meal Known to man Those bloody calcium sweats are gonna do him good That's why there's so many kids born in September But look I don't like the fact that he's doing it in front of the kid And I don't like the fact that he's doing it on front of the kid. And I don't like the fact that he's doing it on the job. You've got 364 days to get your end away with people's wives.

Do it then. I just don't like that he's broken his, like, number one rule. His cardinal rule of, like, don't let kids see you. Well, unless you're trying to get your end away, then go nuts, I guess. That's fucked. And there are elves being like, Santa is behind schedule and I bet it's because he's having sex with someone's wife. Do they performance counselling when he gets back?

I think they're his employees, so they're not allowed. Yeah, but if your boss fucks up, you can be like, come on. Mate. I'm sure this is a good idea. It depends on the power dynamic, really. Again, and clearly, like I said before,

the child is negatively impacted by this. Come on, fellas, believe me. You just got to believe me. It's weird that he wants their approval. Maybe he's telling the elves. Maybe. Reporting it to HR. Maybe.

He's just like, oi, your boss came in and ruined my first marriage. It's kind of like if a plumber comes around and has it away with somebody's wife. That's not Yeah. That isn't on at all. They should be fired for that.

But you can't fire Santa. What if Santa came in and just murdered someone? Can't fire him. He's Santa. He exists above the law. He is the law. He breaks and ends

every single time. He is the law. He picks between naughty and nice. That's good and bad, basically. Yeah. Yeah, he's got the time. He is the law. He picks between naughty and nice. That's good and bad, basically. Yeah. Yeah, he's got his own...

He knows no boundaries. He can go in anywhere. His jurisdiction is kind of worldwide. Yeah. We need Santa police. Yeah. Who Santa's the Santa? Exactly.

Because the elves aren't doing it. So who do we think had the worst Santa? All right, let's go two categories. Saddest Santa. Joel's Ambit. Joel's Ambit's Santa. Not me dressed as Santa? Are we getting it, boys?

I'm doing fine. It's the Christmas cheer coming out in weird ways and it's fine. Worst Santa I think I'll give to I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Santa He's a dirty dog Just in terms of personal ethics Also again, Santa doesn't have many rules

And my Santa is going against most of them He's going against a few ones he does have My Santa, just out of a rough system You can't blame him for that Committing suicide on the job is bleak But if you're at that point, you can't... I mean, really, he's been there for so long. If you've got the clauses piling up...

Clearly he hasn't been doing his job for a while. And you're also like, how many more clauses are there going to be? Death is the only way to get out. And even that's a clause in and of itself. You know you're just contributing to a vicious cycle What happens if you don't marry a Mrs. Clause? I think you die And then the coat walks around

Attaches itself to someone else It's like Doc Ock's arms But a coat Like a bottle of coke Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to one and to all. Celebrate this Christmas year by getting drunk, I guess. That's, I guess, the message of today's episode.

Christmas is sad. Christmas is Blake. Get some eggnog. Brandy up that eggnog. And vodka up that brandy eggnog. And just live your best self. Thank God you're not Santa, basically. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas, y'all. I hope the real life, actual, real Santa brought you good gifts. He's happy. You listened to Plumbing the Death Star. You deserve coal.

Bad luck. You've been naughty. You've been bad boys. When you click subscribe, Santa's like, Bad bloke. Don't blame us. Thanks for listening, and if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at SansPantsRadio on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually

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head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time Goodnight for now But not forever Kisses Pants plus dot com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.