Plumbing the Death Star - Which is the Worst Fictional Universe to Live in Live from the Sydney Comedy Fest (Feat. Gabriel Bergmoser, Zoe Bilotta, Yianni Agisilaou, Feisty Cuffs and Alexei Toliopoulos)

Episode Date: July 2, 2017

In which our heroes gather their friends, take to the stage, and once again journey across the multiverse as we ask what is the worst fictional universe to live in. Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio Want to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio Or individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitZoe: https://twitter.com/zoesanspants Gabe: https://twitter.com/gobergmoser Yianni: https://twitter.com/yianni_a Alexei: https://twitter.com/ThisisAlexei Feisty Cuffs: https://twitter.com/FeistyCuffs Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm This is a recording of our second live show at the Sydney Comedy Fest, recorded on the 7th of May with special guests, Gabriel Bergmoser and Zoe Bellotta from our sister podcast, Movie Maintenance and Shut Up A Second, respectively, stand-up comedian, all-around great guy, Yarny Agisolo, host of Kapow, Twitch streamer and cosplayer, Feisty Cuffs, and host of the Mic Check podcast, Alexei Toliopoulos. As with last week, no audience mic and we didn't film it. Although we might have had a mic this time for the audience, but didn't really end up

using it because we got yelled at for going over time. Sydney, why must you constantly slide us? Hello. Evening. There's always that weird silence as we sit down. I totally fucked this up. It takes long for some reason. We are unfit people.

We ate a lot of cornbread. What makes me and Jackson love cornbread? God, the amount of cornbread we ate. You know when you eat cornbread? I've never had cornbread before. It's the first time I've had cornbread. You know when you eat cornbread. And you're like, they're only small.

They're little tiny little puffs of deliciousness. And you're like, I could eat one more. And you do. And you're like, that was pretty good. I could eat another. And then you have three more. And you realise you probably should have stopped about four ago. That's where I am right now. I'm feeling quite ill. Anywho, how is everybody? Good?

That's good news. Hey everyone. This is usually the way I introduce it, but I guess we're already introduced now. Thank you so much for coming out to our second ever Sydney Comedy Festival show. So it'll be a very special Sandspants event with some special

guests. And today we will be asking the important questions such as which is the worst fictional universe to live in? So, and this isn't strictly, and you may argue that this is not a fictional universe, but I think we can all agree it's the worst one.

Reality television. I don't know at all why that elicited a groan, but here we are. Because it's fictional, because everything's played up with the cameras. We're talking like MasterChef, or My Kitchen Rules, or The Block, something like that.

And the reason I think that yeah and the reason i think it'd be the worst fiction universe is that every moment of your life is the most important moment of your life literally everything every single tiny decision you have to make is the most important decision you're ever gonna have to make in your life and there's always a man being like this is the most important decision she's ever going to have to make. You know in film you have that zoom pull shot? It happened in Jaws. He's like, it zooms in, but everything comes all real close. That classic zoom shot, if you know.

That is your life when anyone asks you a question. That's true. It's like, hey, good morning, what are you up for dinner? Breakfast. Eggs? Oh, but there's not even like, there's got to be like a 10 second thing where you're like, what do I want for breakfast?

And then it got to a talking head where you're like, so I just, you know, I just woken up. And I panicked, frankly. And would I make... Zamit comes in and then there's a black and white recreation of Zamit coming in. And he asks me, Jackson, what do you like for breakfast? And I'm sitting here like, whoa

Sweaty and like stressed Do I want eggs? Do I want spag bol? Do I want waffles? It could be all three, I don't know yet And then you make the decision, you're like, oh Zamet, I'd like cereal and then it cuts to Zamet, and Zamet's like and Jackson says, cereal

It was unexpected any like conversation with any person that you know like you're a good friend with like it's going to be tense every meal you have interaction with them is going to be a reveal of some kind of deep twisted event you're like sitting down with your best friend and then

it's like suddenly like oh by the way I fucked your girlfriend. Well, that kind of is a big reveal. But like every single time. It's just so exaggerated, because you have to pick what you want for breakfast, I have to reveal I fucked your girlfriend. It's just all too much. These are things that happen in our everyday anyway.

Yeah, like once a day. I have breakfast, you fuck my girlfriend. Quit it. Yeah, like once a day. Have breakfast and fuck my girlfriend. Quit it. Quite frankly. I wish it stopped. Going out with dinner with a family member, like imagine all the secrets are going to be revealed. Like, by the way, we're actually brothers now.

It's like one of those weird things where everything is such a big deal and everyone just hypes it up. Do we think that in this universe, so like say suddenly there was the reveal that you were brothers. If you weren't brothers beforehand, are the rules of this universe such that if that was revealed,

all of a sudden you're brothers? Yeah, of course. Oh, right. Okay, I follow. I was like, yeah, because if someone doesn't tell you you're brothers, you're still brothers. Like you and Ryder are still brothers

regardless if someone's like, you guys are brothers. If somebody had never told us we were brothers we'd still be brothers yeah yeah but yeah no the reality makes it so like if sam is like i fucked your girlfriend because he has to have a reveal at dinner yeah at a certain point you're just out of reveals uh he slammed with oh i did that yeah i. That's chicken you're eating. I know. Yeah. So eventually, I guess the universe would just create reveals for you. Yeah, which is, I guess, exciting but stressful and bad and awful and the worst place to live.

And you'd also have a soundtrack. But, like, not a good soundtrack. A tense soundtrack. Ticking clocks. Yeah, imagine, like,cks would be so tiki. For like such innocuous things, like your phone is on a bench a little bit away from your hand

and you're like... And it starts ringing? Oh, there it is. Let me just check Facebook. Oh, fuck. You know like that scene in 24? Yes. Like the series,

like every single thing. That's going to be happening 24 hours. But would you get used to it? Like eventually, would you be like, whatever, that's just the ticking. Yeah.

That's just the ticking that comes with needing to grab my phone. For us, it's like a five second. For you, it's like a three minute thing. I'll get it. Look, whatever. Yeah, I know. What I'm going to do, you know how sometimes there's a heartbeat to build tension? Yeah.

If I just let that heartbeat go, will eventually a heart attack happen? Like if it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I'm like, no. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then I'm free. I killed the universe. Forced the universe to have a coronary by just not dealing with attention. I don't think you die in this universe.

You get voted out. Oh, that's true. But also, that's bad. By who hang on. I don't think you die in this universe. You get voted out. Oh, that's true. But also, that's bad. By who? Where do I go? Exactly. Off the island. Off the island? Earth is an island now, Jackson. Just imagine a rocket ship, and I have to

hop inside it. There's just crowds of people with torches. And I just go around and put every single one of them out because I voted you off. It was my decision. Wait, why are you... I'm the king of this universe now, I guess. I thought my torch being put out would mean I was

voted off. Did you just vote off humanity? A reality show genocide. Everyone get in the rocket. Get in the rocket get in the rocket get in the rocket there we go up up

but yeah that's think about how awful it is and there's one thing we haven't even touched on we've mentioned like the really stressful moments but there'd be ad breaks in this life

and that's no good because like it'd also be like Jackson what would you like for breakfast and then the ticking clock and you'd be like cereal

and then it would come to me and I'd be like cereal and then it would come and you'd be like, cereal? And then it would come to me and I'd be like, cereal. And then it would come back and I'd be like, yeah, cereal was a sensible choice. God, nothing would make me want to eat cereal more than you just staring at cereal. I could go some cereal.

Douche is right. What do you want to have for breakfast? And then there'd just be a pause where everyone just freezes because that's where everyone just freezes. Because that's where the ad break goes. And turns and looks at you. What I like to think happens is that somewhere else in the universe, somebody's about to have breakfast. And then when the ad break happens, they're like,

and they just get forced into doing an ad for the cereal they're about to have. Fruit Loops is real good. Fruit Loops is real good. Who am I talking to? Our breakfast ads are the worst. Cereal. Fruit Loops is real good Who am I talking to? Our breakfast ads are the worst Cereal Fruit Loops is real good Just eat it I guess

I don't know I'm not the boss You eat it if you want Reality TV would also Think about the Truman Show I know that's a fictional universe But I make the rules today, so guess what? It counts.

Alright. Things like product placement and stuff like that. Imagine just a world where all of a sudden everything's just Reebok, just for a bit. That's not necessarily bad. This wasn't a Reebok diss, I guess. Personally, I'm a

Vans man but this episode's been paid to be by this man but yeah like imagine just like not being able to control what was in your house because it was just whoever was sponsoring you that day I guess also you're taking this from the perspective that oh planes that um where the main like protagonist

or the focus is on us but if you'll say out or about whatever there's always going to be drama happening to literally everyone else around you. You're in a crowded restaurant. You're just going to hear this over there where someone's just thrown a glass of water in someone's face.

Over there. And you hear, oh my god, yes! Because there's a proposal as well. A mariachi band comes in. You'd be like, look, you'd order your food. You'd be like, yeah, I'll have the spaghetti or whatever. The waiter would go away. You'd be like, Jackson, where's your spaghetti?

I'm like, oh, he got proposed to over there. And he's getting in the car. He's gone. I'm going to wait for another waiter to come around. Hope he doesn't get married real quick on his way to deliver my order to the kitchen. And also, when you put in your order again, they're like, spaghetti? Are you sure? Is this kind of like a universe where everyone's a main character?

Oh, God, yes. Is there a heartbeat in the background, or am I crazy? No, like in reality now. Oh, no, it's just the music. For a second, I was like, oh, no, we talked about it too much, and it happened. That would be stressful. I guess the worst universe is now this one.

I'm so sorry, everybody. Remember when it's just quiet? We let the heart beat itself to a coronary. Destroy the universe. That's also stressful because if everyone's a main character and you are one of these main characters, you're just going to destroy the universe. I know.

But then we have to ask to stop him. I don't want to answer Jackson's question. That's why you've got to vote me off. Yeah, straight away. Put me in the rocket, Sam, wherever. Yeah, I voted off week one. Week one? Day one? Don't give him seven days.

The amount of damage he could do in seven days. A lot. I just like that there's a weak one of being alive. Yeah, I mean, I guess... Is that like every morning you wake up and it's like day five billion just like flashing above your head? I don't want to count on.

Or is it for my life? Yeah, your life. Okay, I guess like if reality TV was all of a sudden just to happen. Because you have to be over 18 to be in reality TV, or I guess with a parent or guardian, maybe. What about Junior MasterChef? Got me there.

Oh, every meal. Every meal, there is a chance of it exploding in your pan for the drama. And there's judges there every time you make dinner? What if your chicken's dry? They're going to make snarky remarks and hurt my feelings. And then maybe vote you off. Matt Preston will have none of your peanut butter bread. He won't.

Matt Preston. What are you making there? It's peanut butter on toast. Give me a nibble. Fuck, living in a world where Matt Preston has to have a bit of everything I cook. It's just craft. It's just toast, Matt. I don't know if...

Oh my God, this is the most stressful moment of my life. It's a bit dry. Oh no! It's fine. Yeah, it would be real bad because this may come as a shock to you all, but I'm not a great cook. So I'd be like, spaghetti again. You brought us spaghetti last night.

What did you make? Tuna pasta. Again? Yeah, I was home alone again. Matty P has to have a bite. Give me a bit of a nibble, see if it's changed much. I put like chili tuna in it this time.

Oh! You know what, I might be fine, the audience love my cooking Matt Preston is a fan of chilli tuna He's like fuck, tuna pasta, I always thought it was bland But that chilli Does that mean that everyone has to wait a bit Matt Preston's like give me a bit Alright, thank you. Next door.

Off I go. Knock, knock. Yes, it's me again. Alternatively, we've created a universe where there's a lot of Matt Prestons. I do like the moment we've got to wait for Matt Preston. So you're like, Jackson, when can we have this pasta? I'm like, I don't know, Matt Preston. He's going to have the first bit.

Otherwise, we just can't have it. Is there anything good about living in a room? We might have won today already. Just on the Matt Preston thing. Is it like Matt Preston has to have a bit of whatever I cook? Or is it like when I'm like, oh, I'll have dinner. And then I get a mystery box of ingredients. I'm like, well, that's what I...

Or it's just like, tonight, Jackson, you're making a crock-em-bush. I'm like, oh, God. I don't know what I'm doing. As a weird pro, if you hated Matt Preston, a good way to kill him. Go on, Matt. Eat the toast. Never guess what's in it. This smells like almonds.

Have you poisoned this? Yes. You don't even have to lie. He's got to eat it. Eat the poison, Matt. Go on. Nummy, nummy. I like that we're killing the gods of this universe

and then the universe itself. You could take them out. You could take them all out. Who else? Who's another, like, reality TV host? Jeff. Jeff. What?

What? Oh, Jeff Pro... Props. Prolapsed, yeah. That guy. That guy. Jeff. I don't know how to kill Jeff Prolapsed.

I guess just move off the island. No, you vote him off. Oh, that's true. He's like, everybody holds up their sign. Humanity just says, Jeff. No. Then you put out his torch in the rocket. Voting off a host of reality TV.

Fuck, I want to be on Big Brother now and be like, I didn't get evicted, you did. The audience. So if you have reality TV including Big Brother, does that mean there's an audience as well? Oh, God. Fuck. If there is, are we obliged to entertain

that audience? So if it goes by Big Brother rules, if we're not an entertaining enough person, are we putting the rocket ship in rocket? So cause drama. That's how you live. That's how you survive. Start fights with everyone. But not too many fights because you don't want to be too hostile because that also gets you voted off. You can't make too many friends

in Big Brother either because then you're a threat. You've got to do the bum dance. Remember the bum dance? That's an obscure reference. Some people, I gotta Where the bunny is. Weird Pearson. I gotta wow. Sarah Marie! Sarah Marie doing the bum dance. Everyone remembers that.

That's iconic. Put her on the flag. Incorrectly, but wasn't the very first episode of Big Brother, they just, didn't they have like a dominatrix who just poured wax on some guy's nipple? Maybe season two? I don't remember that. But what a good start. Welcome to Big Brother.

That's a really good wax pouring noise. It was weirdly sexual. That's a really good wax bar. It was weirdly sexual. Well, yeah, I can't think of many pros to living in a reality TV universe. So I reckon it's about time for us to bring in our first guest. For him to talk about his worst fictional universe. Introducing our first guest of the night, Gabe from Movie Maintenance. Woo!

I'm so hot in this. That one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the winner's seat. You haven't won yet. I'm so hot in a stow on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the winner's seat. You haven't won yet. You're not competing against anyone. Yeah, I mean, who knows? All right, Gabe.

Hi, Gabe. It's just pausing for effect. Yeah, it was a long pause. Consider genocide. I'm listening. Currently doing so. You are already there. I want you to think about all of the worst things that we as humans have ever done to each other.

Oh, boy. All of the terrible things that we've gone through. The worst atrocities committed against the human race. Now, imagine that after these happens, you had no memory of them. Imagine they were just taken away from you. And imagine that you had no chance for closure or to find out what happened to your loved ones or to understand what you went through or any of that stuff. Now imagine that you were to learn that not only was this the case, but the people responsible for said removal of your memories, they had the ability all along to cure world hunger,

to stop poverty, to cure the worst illnesses you've ever had. All of these capabilities they had the whole time and did absolutely nothing with that because they just thought you couldn't handle it. They thought, better to let you just deal with all of that. And not only that, we will take away your right to actually understand these horrible things that have been done to you. I'm talking, of course, about the Harry Potter universe. Yeah.

How fucking dare you. How dare wizards. Wizardy fucking pieces of shit. Goddamn wizards. With their flowing robes and wands. dirty wizard fuck wizardy fucking piece of shit god damn wizard with their flowing robes and wands

a god damn slur using muggle like it's no big deal don't give us an extra name we got one what human can we talk about

how fucking patronising the wizards are towards muggles oh my fucking god we're not dumber than them can we please the only thing is that we happen to have been born

without magic and yet they are so even Arthur Weasley, and everyone's like, oh, Arthur Weasley's so great because he loves them muggles. He literally talks about us as if we're animals. His entire approach is like he fetishizes muggles. His entire approach is like a pet owner with their favorite dog being like,

oh, look at that amazing thing that muggle's doing. How cute is that? How great is that? Fuck off, Arthur Weasley. I am not psychologically inferior to you. I just happen to not have magic. Okay, so like, the whole idea of prejudice based on something that somebody can't help,

isn't that more or less what racism is? Yeah. Isn't that what everyone's bad at Voldemort for? Right? But because it's insular and within the wizard community, everyone's like, no, you're the baddie, wizards. And it's like, I mean, okay, everyone's like, no, you're the baddie wizards. And it's like, I mean, okay, like how many muggles do you think died at Voldemort's hands?

Oh, countless muggles. Countless muggles. Beautiful, pristine human lives. Grindelwald before him. Go back to, I'm sure there were some medieval wizards who didn't even have like Voldemort and Grindelwald's sense of like decorum or reservation. They were just like, nah, fuck muggles,

and just probably killed us on mass. And wizards are just like, oh, nah, they can't handle that. They can't know what's going on. They just wipe our memories. How is that okay? It's not. How do wizards think that is okay? They use our fear for their weird sex games when they want to get burned.

What? That's fucked up. What? I always remember, I think it's Colin McCready or one of the fucking, Jeff Pro one of, one of Harry Potter's good friends at Hogwarts. And he's like, uh, talking about moguls and he's like, Oh,

they don't know anything. Do they? But I always think like they came there on a train. All right. Locomotives were invented by moguls. They're wearing pants and shoes. That was us. Invented by moguls.

We did that. And they're taking that and being like, the entire foundation for wizard society comes from us. Yeah. You know what? Like in, in 1997, we're using ballpoint us. Yeah. You know what? Like in 1997, we're using ballpoint pens. What the fuck are they using? Quills.

Dickheads. Motherfuckers. Lame. All right. I'm just going to jump in for a second. All right. Sure. Worst fictional universe to live in, not why do we hate wizards.

Let's not get angry about quills v pens because pens still pens still exist in this universe, and so do quills. We've got to calm ourselves. Yeah, like, I know wizards are kind of an issue for you guys. They stress you. They upset you a bit. They do. They're running in hell. But, like, okay.

You guys are muggles. What if I was a wizard? Yeah, it'd be great for you. It'd be great for you. That's all right, then. You're a Nazi. I'm sure Nazi Germany was great for you. You'd be great for you. That's all right then. You're a Nazi. I'm sure Nazi Germany was great for you. You'd be even more smugger than you are now.

I do not want to live in a world. Joel Duscher. Rude. I don't want to live in a world where Duscher is a wizard. I don't want to deal with him lording that over us. I think, first and foremost, that's probably the worst fictional universe there possibly could be. Oh, my God. Because you'd be like, hey, guess what I learned?

And you'd turn him into a cat and me into a badger. And then we'd be like hey guess what I learned and you turned him into a cat me into a badger and then we'll be like do you should raise it like you'd be like hey Jackson yeah what up man hey Jackson what's up man I guess what I guess what I learned today what's that your cat now Also can we point out There's a world where Petty teenagers Can just like Inflate their aunts And that's Fine Or normal

How do they teach us potions? We can do that Love potions Right? No we don't want to do that That's not okay at all But Sam it's right Potions is not a thing

You need to be a wizard to do Exactly You need the right ingredients Let me put a boom slang In the bloody pot. Wait, but then you're making, given us the ability to make love potions. Yeah, this is a wizard.

Well, you just banned love. There's a problem with love potions. And wizards. And Saman, I'm pretty sure at some point, this might have been like outside of a podcast, but I'm pretty sure you had like some theory about polyjuice potion and like what Slytherins can be doing with that.

Oh, I know. It's fucked. Think about it. It's kind of fucked, right? So you could be like, if you want to high school bully someone, you could simply just pluck someone's hair out. For example, I'm going to bully this shit at a douche shop. Good.

I'm going to pluck his hair out, make some Polyjuice Potion, drink that, and then just take all my clothes off and, I don't know, smear myself in peanut butter or whatever the fuck I want to do. Take a lot of selfies of this and then post it all over like with the version of Facebook you can get him expelled yeah you got in the Dumbledore's desk you know the big where all the teachers sit during like a great whole take a shit this plate yeah he's like don't do shit did you do this you like yes yes I did or even just and then just like say some outlandish shit like

you grab like some of Hermione stuff and, yes, I believe that the mud blood should be killed. And I support Voldemort. Everyone's like, ooh. Aren't you muggle-born, Hermione? And she's like, I'm self-loathing, yes. It's a thing. It's a thing. I'm definitely Hermione.

This is my voice. Check it out. It's a thing. Look it up. Living in that world isn't even great for wizards, for the most part. But I mean, yeah, I think, like, obviously the stipulation here is that

if you're a muggle, it's the worst. If you're a wizard, it's... God, it's issues, but it's probably fine. Even if you're a wizard, like... Nah, like, a quarter of them are evil. A quarter of you are evil. Yeah, that too. A good, like, 90% of you

don't have any proper vocational skills. No. Because all you've learned is to turn a rat into a cup, and that doesn't translate to a job. Another quarter of you are idiots. Yeah. Another quarter of you is, well, hang on. What?

Clever and brave. Idiot. Yep. Evil. Yep. Clever and brave. Clever. No, I'm Slytherin, like, straight up.

Ah, sick. I don't think anybody was doubting that for a second. But no, this would be a shitty universe living as a muggle. I guess. Although, you know what? To the benefit of the Harry Potter world, if you're a muggle, you probably don't know about the wizards, so you come up like new.

No, you don't, but the question is like... Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's like... It's pretty good. It's so good. It's the best. I just feel enormously uncomfortable about living in a world where there is this select part of the population, and they're

just like, we'll just decide what's good for you. That kind of sounds like politicians. I got that as I was saying it. It's bigger than that. It's this whole... It's like an Illuminati shit. Exactly. How many people in the Harry Potter universe, in terms of population, do you think are wizards? Are we looking at

a quarter of the world? It's about like 10%, I think. Even that? I remember looking it up. Oh, it's heaps. It's way too many. Get rid of them. It's fucked.

Exactly. And they're just doing things to us and then wiping our memories and we don't know about it. What else could they be doing? It's fucking horrible. And also, think about it. Think all the stuff that we do know about. And that was deemed good enough but bad enough for us to remember. Because we remember World War II.

We remember a lot of the horrible things that happened. What have they kept from us? That's a good point. Horrible things. If wizards were any kind of decent, they'd wipe us of that shit too. They should matrix us. If you're going to be doing that, I'm not cool with it, but you might as well go the whole hog and make us

live in this happy world. When it comes to the wizards. I'm not cool with it but you might as well go to the whole hog and just make us live in this happy world and we don't have to make anything bad when it comes to the wizards. I don't know, I think that's probably evidence that maybe the memory charm isn't too stressful because they're letting us

remember such horrible events so that we do evolve and like Sam had pointed out, we got pens, they got quills. So muggles are more technologically advanced. I'm just not sure

that's indicative of our society being much better than this. Pens v quills. You know that old saying, the pen is mightier than the quill? By a bit. It's better to have

a gun than a sword and a hat, is also a common saying. Fuck, imagine if you got that hat and you're like, sweet, there's a sword in here, just you didn't get one. You're like, I'm sorry, you're not a true son of Gryffindor. You put a tip of that looking inside and you're like, sweet, there's a sword in here. Just you didn't get one. You're like, I'm sorry, you're not a true son of Gryffindor. Put a tip of that looking inside. Like you put it on and it's like smacked you in the head. Piece of shit.

If that sword fell out, I'd be like, what else is in here? I'm going to climb on in. Jackson, if you put your hand into the sorting hat to pull something out, it would just be a note and it would say, nah. Get your dirty mitts out of here. I like to imagine I get stuck, like I just climb inside. What happened to Jackson? He's in the hat. If our true son of Gryffindor,

who's trying to have Hufflepuff, needs help, he can pull me out of the hat. And then there'll be two dumb idiots rather than one. All right, so we're struggling for pros of living in the Harry Potter universe. Does anyone have anything that they think Gabe has all totally forgotten about that would be good about being in Harry Potter? The stipulation is being a muggle in the Harry Potter universe, not being a wizard.

Worst fictional universe, mate. Yep, yep. However, we're all muggles. So it's directly pertinent to us. Are we? Smug piece of shit. Smug wizard fuck. Prove your hypothesis.

Mommy son of a bitch. I can't do magic. I assume that means everyone else can't because that's just the kind of person I am. I'm still in school, so I'm not allowed to do magic outside of school. They said so. Please teach me potions, you prick.

Dude, you're actually like 26. Come on. Yep. Just held down. I'm not clapping. I had too many adventures That were like We need to keep you around

To protect the castle I got kicked by a dragon I'm sure that's What they told you That's why you're Doing a podcast I stared at a basilisk For at least five years

You told everyone Nah Also Dementors Wait Dementors attack us Yeah that's fine That's shitty. Yeah. What can we do about that?

I mean, I'll be fine, because I could just do a Patronus. What's your Patronus? I don't know, probably like a me again. Like a constant version of you casting more versions of you. Fuck. How good? That's massive. And then they all high five, and all of the Dementors just... That's the most powerful one of you. Fuck, how good? That's massive. And then they all high five and all of the demand is just

That's the most powerful one of all. Me. A lot. See, this is talking out pretty good. This could be my best fictional universe. Again, being that you're a wizard. Well, being that you're me. Any universe is good. Anyone here got some pros or cons living in the

muggle universe? If you want to jump up at the microphone. Oh, yeah, jump into this mic. Don't jump into the microphone. Just jump into the mic. Using your magic powers. Just hit it. Just hit it.

You can pick it. You can pick it up. Go nuts. Or crouch. Do a squat. Squat down. It's fine. Either way.

Neil. There we go. All right. So eventually humanity is going to leave this planet? Well. And magic doesn't work around technology like not very well

at all. That's why the car's really shit. Yeah. And it's old as fuck. Wait, hang on. Are you arguing for me or for him?

I'm arguing for whoever. I don't know but I'm on this train. Keep going. So wizards are going to fucking have to stay here? Yeah. Because if they go off of the planet,

because wherever we go is going to be filled with technology. Once humanity gets sufficient... They can literally teleport. Okay. That doesn't matter. They can't fucking breathe on Mars. Yeah. But like, okay, so you're just proving my point.

I was not finished, sir. So you're just proving my point. I was not finished, sir. So when they leave this planet, where I suppose, I don't know how they work, I'm guessing the planet has something to do with their magic, maybe? Yeah, maybe. I've never been to Mars. They're not going to be fucking wizards anymore. Or they don't get to come when we go off in the stars and the sun fucking eats them.

Okay, fair enough, fair enough. However, so, King's Cross Station... So this is a pro for us, just... Big, big modern train station, full of technology. Wizards take their kids there to go to school. They can't use their magic there. That wall is old as fuck looking.

Yeah, but they can still use their magic when they're in space. Also, like, once we get to our Whatever our Hyper universe Where we're all good In a new planet Eating pills And teleporting

Or whatever Eventually we're gonna Go back to Earth To see how it's doing And that's just where The wizards all live That's a good That's a good compromise

Yeah Segregation's alright So that we can breathe on Mars They just Apparate there We've done all the work And they get all the payoff They're like

Oh yeah cool We'll wait on Earth Until the bug was like Build that new society And then we'll just Apparate there Same deal W done all the work, and they get all the payoff. They're like, oh, yeah, cool, we'll wait on Earth until the Muggles build that new society, and then we'll just apparate there. Same deal, wipe their memories. Wizards were in charge the whole time. If we build a chimney on Mars, they're going to fucking fluke out. We're not building chimneys on Mars.

That is just a fucking hole in the system, and we all die. But my point is, they stopped being like, so like the series clearly establishes because why the fuck don't we nuke Voldemort? Because the reason I've had this explained to me by very avid Harry Potter fans several times is it wouldn't work because technology doesn't work on him, which I think is stupid

because a bomb isn't really technology. It's like, just nuke the fucker or cut his arms and legs off. We beat him though. It's all right. It happened in 97 or whatever. It's 2017 now. We did it.

We won. Go team. Yeah, we did. So Wizards must be having a very hard time right now because they didn't have iPhones and shit back then. Also, the Cursed Child happened so they can't be doing that well. Yeah.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Alright. Alright. So, we'd usually get people to... Thanks. He got you good. Yeah, we'd usually clap to be like, got you good yeah we'd usually clap

to be like does Gabe get to stay on but you're not versing anyone yet sick winning by default so come and sit here and we'll introduce

our next guest I still stand by the fact Harry Potter doesn't it's fine alright and introducing our next guest

we have Yanni Ajizola who is a stand up comedian and I've been told he's also a great guy so I'll have Yanni Ajizola, who is a stand-up comedian, and I've been told that he's also a great guy. So I'll get Yanni to come out on stage now, please. I'm a great guy. Damn right. You're the greatest.

That's what I heard on the street. I sit apart. Hello. G'day, g'day. How are you? I'm all right. How are you? Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, I feel like I'm still a bit queasy on that cornbread'day, g'day. How are you? Welcome to the show. I'm all right. How are you?

Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, I feel like I'm still a bit queasy from that cornbread. Yeah, look, that's cornbread for you, apparently. It's not sitting well. It's sitting heavy. You just need to apparate it out of your gut. Yeah.

Oh, man, I'd be so thin and beautiful. But I ain't. Wait, no. That's not at all how it works. Oh, the muggle's bane. Accio cornbread. What? What? Why did I do that?

Accio douches cornbread. He digested it. Too bad. Too many bulimic wizards. Fuck, that's not good. No. Not good at all. Anyway, Yanni, what would your worst fictional universe be? Well, you know what?

I mean, I think it's like it's tempting to just go with the big, you know, go with the Hail Mary, the sort of like, oh, Harry Potter. And you go, that's crazy, that's weird, it's so out there. But I think the most nefarious, most insidious alternate fictional universe is the one that's actually really close to the one we actually live in. But it's like a sort of warped, twisted sort of version of our reality. So my fictional universe that I think would be terrible to actually live in is online. Fuck.

Fucking gross. Ew. Could you imagine having to actually live in the real online? I mean, because we all do. We feel like we dip our toes in it. But imagine if your world, you were immersed in the shit that exists online, right? If your life was like your Facebook profile, you know, like the people you encountered were all like, you know,

like they just basically, they looked happy, but they weren't happy. I don't think I can exist in the universe. I like, I have like, say a bowl of spaghetti. And I'm like, this is nice spaghetti. And someone's like, no, it wasn't. Oh, here's why it was a bad bowl of spaghetti. Yeah. And there's only five ways you can emotionally respond to that.

And before 2016, there was only fucking one. Sick. And the only reason they know it is because you had to Instagram it. It sucks. And I don't want to have that conversation because then I have to respond. I have to be like, I enjoyed the spaghetti for these reasons. You're a dickhead. Make America great again.

You're Hitler for liking that spaghetti. I'm sorry. I want to check out, but I'm getting so many notifications in real life. I got to fight this guy in the spaghetti issue. Fucking cuck. Every day. And for the next week after you post that, there are ads for spaghetti turning up everywhere. Do you like spaghetti?

Maybe you want to buy your friends some spaghetti and you're like, I didn't like it as much as you think I liked it. I just had the spaghetti. I just had it once. Yeah, I mean, your whole universe, the Harry Potter universe, exists in my universe. You can log on to Pottermore and choose to be a Slytherin or a Gryffindor

can you be a muggle in Pottermore? I don't even know there you go that's your problem solved right there it just says muggle I can imagine this sea of just all the people being contrarian fuckwits this sea of egg avatars

staring you down fucking cuck I don't want to live in that world at all being contrarian. Fuck, it's just a sea of egg avatars just staring you down. Fucking cuck. I don't want to live in that world at all. That's fucked. Would it be like that? So if I don't know someone, they've got like blank features

and then I'm like, hi, I'm Jackson. And they're like, oh, hi, I'm David. And they've got like, whoa, a face. Yeah, but you can't see anything about them.

But if you know someone who does know them, you can see a little bit about them. They get eyes or something. Depending on how wronged they've been in the how wrong they've been maybe like absolutely no accountability because it would just be blank faces and can i call that person up can i have a go at that person can i fight that person no he's identical to every other person well oh you mean the eggs yeah yeah oh dude i thought you meant people i mean you know when you when you look at some of the shit that gets spewed online,

like you do think that, you know, it doesn't make you question whether people are all eggs or whether they are diverse, you know. Like, you know, sometimes you sit there and go, I used to think people were all good. No. Good eggs. No, no, no.

Good eggs. But now I think they're bad eggs. Very bad eggs. Would you have bots in real life? Like if you're like, man, I like this spaghetti. And there's someone like, here's an ad for spaghetti. Do you want some more spaghetti? Dude, I never thought about that.

Like seriously, every time you meet someone, you have to do the fucking Turing test. Are you real? You have to meet someone and go, are you genuinely real? Because sometimes you meet someone and go, are you an actual genuine person? Yes, of course. Would you like to meet hot local singles in my area?

Kudos. Kudos for referencing something that I don't think I've seen since Hotmail. I still go on the internet. I just haven't been on that much. I see ads like that all the time. They're like, local milfs in your area. I'm like, do they want me? I legitimately... This is a little rude, but I in your area. I'm like, do they want me? I legitimately, this is a little rude, but I legitimately saw an ad that was like,

do you want to fuck a nan? I saw that too. That's great. Well, you know, a lot of older people. That's so tailor-made for you, though. You say it like it's a bad thing, but that's. But then if online was real life, I'd be like, no. Private version me. Maybe. Tell me more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like click no, enable private browsing. Yeah. Bring on the nans. I do like your presumption that people say, do you want to sleep with MILFs? I mean, could you imagine how good the writers of American Pie feel when they're scrolling through and find that their acronym

is now in widespread usage? They did it. I hope that was their goal from the start. They're like, it's such a good acronym. Let's make a film series, get it out there in the public eye. Except in your example, it'd be like, do you want to fuck gilfs? No. Heaps.

But just don't tell any of my friends and keep this away from my history and then, yeah, sign me up. And then also, the most terrible thing about living in the online world would be that people, like, you know, sort of surreptitiously secret agents would listen to everything you say and everything you do.

And they would use it to sell you shit. And you would be like, Oh my God, I'm being undermined by myself. Like what a horrible, horrible thing. You know, like you break up with someone in immediate.

Someone's like, someone's like looking for love and you're like oh my god. You're crying like yes I am. How did you know? Nah it's alright. I don't even know

how to turn on safe search. I don't know where to hide from. Can you share moments in your life to the people you know? Oh no. Like if I make spaghetti the spaghetti is for some reason my focus. Is it like you're like getting like a, I don't know, my voice being like Hi, it's spaghetti. Angry react.

Or like, hey, four years ago you had this spaghetti. Fuck, I did. I did and then I'm like, lol that's spaghetti and anyone who knew about that spaghetti hears me being like lol had this spaghetti. Fuck, I did. I did, and then I'm like, lol, that's spaghetti, and anyone who knew about that spaghetti hears me being like, lol, that's spaghetti. But it's never the spaghetti. It's kind of like, remember four years ago

when you were happy with your ex? You were so happy. Look at you. Look at your happy eyes. And you're like, looking for love? Yeah. Or just eat spaghetti. Just two buttons.

Love spaghetti. I like this universe where the two main focuses are spaghetti and Nans. They're the two forms of currency. Jackson, your personal version of the internet. Spaghetti and Nans. Spaghetti and Nans on the same website. Do you want a Nan to feed you spaghetti?

And on the news at night it shows you the current exchange rate between Nans and spaghetti and Donald Trump's like they're a Nan manipulator

we can't trust them This world sucks It does It sucks It's so bad. Because it's like our real world, but stripped of nuance. And like, that's all we've got left is nuance.

Like, you look at the world and you go, this kind of sucks. At least there's nuance. And someone goes, goodbye. And you're like, oh my lord. But like, living in an online world, just doing some things that we just have to do in real life would be so scary in this online version.

So porn websites are stressful. Imagine having sex in this world. No! No! Just like, are my friends going to see this? I don't want them to. Yeah, we would. Actually, yeah.

Angry react! Jackson, why did you watch that you Why did you react sad No one was eating spaghetti And everyone was under 60 So like Look again The only way you can spice it up Is by adding meatballs

Or changing to penne pasta. I really like, because when you're having sex, like, you know, a lot of pornography websites, you get, like, flashing ads all around you. As you're having sex, you just see flashes of other people having sex in loops. You can barely focus on what's going on. Could you imagine pop-ups in real life? You're at a bar, someone goes,

Hey, buddy, how you doing? You go, Well, I'm... And then all of a sudden, someone's like, Do you want a bigger penis? You're at a bar, someone goes, hey buddy, how you doing? You go, well I'm, and then all of a sudden someone's like, do you want a bigger penis? You're like, oh, shit. I wanted the thing behind the bigger penis. And they're like, well you better close my window. And then another one turns up and kind of goes, I can make you a million

dollars in the next four hours. And you're like, why do you sound like Trump? Would it be like, somebody pops up and they're like, would you like to make a million dollars? And then you're like, oh, and you like go to move them away and be like, wrong place to touch. Two of them turn up. Try and exit out of an ad, there's another ad all of a sudden.

Yeah, and then you find out you've got chlamydia. Yeah. Oh, God damn it. Yeah, exactly. And you kind of go, I should have been wearing a condom at all times. Yes. But like a full body one, I guess. This is your life?

Literally people walking around just with full body condoms and you go, why the protection? You go, I'm a PC. I need it. People with Macs have just got them over their head, but they've still got something. They'd just be like ballerinas spinning and are they going right or left? I don't know. I just can't tell.

I just can't tell. How many triangles are there? Fuck me. I like, you know, like... Oh, my God. There'd be, like, so many, like, oh, this person lost weight. But, you know, like... Here's one weird trick. Doctors hate him.

There'd be so many weird tricks. So many weird tricks. And every now and then, you get asked to prove that you're a human. Point to the pictures of mountains. Before they let you do anything. You just, like, want to transfer some money? They go, just to prove that you're a human. Tell us which of these three pictures has a cow in it.

And you're like, click, click, click. And they're like, that wasn't a cow. That was a goat. You're like, I guess I'm not human. I don't want to get a virus, so you, I guess, put the ad block condom on. But then sometimes you go to a website and they're like, hey, to take money, we need to make money.

Could you just pull that condom off real quick? I don't want to get an ad and get a virus. They're like, well, yeah, we've got to make some cash. Well, it is called bareback.com. Pop it off. I legitimately cannot think of a pro for this. It's all bad. And yet the irony is It's the platform upon which your podcast is hosted

Another con Fuck that Is it having a password for everything? I got it into my house What's the password? Was it a capital G Or a little G Did I use a three

For the E These days if somebody Guesses your password Whatever They've got into your Instagram They can fuck around Somebody guesses your password They're like

Well I've stolen your house I've got your Gotcha It's my dog now That's my dog My house And wife Yeah

Damn It doesn't even respond to you You go And it just walks away. And you're like, oh. Fucking hell. I trained you. Not my nans and spaghetti. That was all I had.

So that universe is terrible. All right, just quickly, before we get to the voting thing, can anyone think of anything good about living in an online fictional universe? Please step up to the plate. Right, so I don't need to pick it up because I'm short, but freedom to be whoever it is that you want to be. That's not a good thing. Yes, it is.

That's how egg avatars work. That's not what I meant. But, like, if you're struggling with whoever you are, That's how egg avatars work. That's not what I meant. But, like, if you're struggling with whoever you are, you can be that person without fear. It's very cute that you would reference the internet in the 90s, but now it's not like that. Because it was.

Everyone was like, oh, it's such a lovely meeting place of, like, progressive thought, and now it's just people calling each other cucks and other words that start with C. Plus, even if you found a happy community where you're all like, oh, you know, we've decided that this is who we're going to be, then you'd eventually get a whole bunch of other people, the 4chan army or something,

of just actual dudes coming into your house and being like, cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck. Yeah. Get out of my house. No. No. Exactly. You can't my house. No. No. No. Exactly.

Exactly. You kiss your kid and they're like, virtue signaler. What? Terrible. That's fucking terrible. Yeah, exactly. They shoot your wife, you cry and they call you a snowflake. And this is what the freedom,

this is the freedom that we're all so keen on. Now we need to nail that shit down and everything needs to be... You know those two guys on Good Morning Vietnam when they send their messages out and they're twins and they just cross the fucking things out like that? They should be dudes like that for everything anyone ever posts on the internet. You post a thing

and they're like, nah, nah, nah. Not happening. And it'd free up a lot of bandwidth too because then literally you'd be like, oh, it turned out 99% of what everyone was saying

was inappropriate. Fair, fair. Alright, so it's about time to bring out our next guest but bad luck, one of you has to leave. So... I'm out.

I'm going in one. I don't want to live in that world. I feel legitimately uncomfortable thinking about it. Exactly. With Wizards, it's like the worst thing is you don't have to live in that world. I feel legitimately uncomfortable thinking about it. Exactly. With wizards, it's like the worst thing is you don't have to remember genocide.

With this, it's like, no. You have to remember everything. If everyone wants to grant him the bitterest irony, right? Because what he's essentially doing is trying to deactivate his Facebook account. Don't let him do it. Don't compare real life to incident hurts. Well, we won't delete it.

We'll just deactivate it. And if you change your mind, that'll be okay, right? I'm really battling with some mental health issues. You'll come back. You'll come back. No, you will. All right. So if everyone thinks that Yarny's online world is the worst fictional universe,

I need a round of applause. And Gabe's Harry Potter Not fair Someone likes lemony snicket Catch you later Gabe Bye Yanni you are here now It's a hero seat

That's right The hero king seat Oh I'm the fourth beetle I'd say you're our Ringo But yeah he's our Ringo You can be George That's right. The hero king seat. Oh, I'm the fourth Beatle. I'd say you're our Ringo, but yeah, he's our Ringo. You can be George. Who got assassinated first? I'm him. Ringo's not even the best drummer in the Beatles.

No, he ain't. All right, now it's time to bring out our next guest, Feisty Cuffs, who is the host of Kapow, and she's a Twitch streamer and a cosplayer. Woo, come out. Woo. Howdy. Hello. Hi. Hello. Welcome to the stage.

I'm really excited to be here. Alright, Feisty, what is the worst fictional universe that you can think to live in? Look, I'm going to cast you back to two years ago. It's 2015. Half the world's population has been wiped out by something kind of cool

that you'd want to meet an alien race called the angels. Oh no. But I'm going to take you back. Humanity rests in the fate of a bunch of whiny teenagers. I'm talking about Neon Genesis kids. You've seen it, I know. It's an anime, so already I'm unhappy

I don't want to live in an anime period It doesn't matter what kind I was feeling queasy before, but now that might push me over And I'm very, very familiar with Evangelion And God, it's not a good place It is horrible From like the wah-wah-wah Shut up with Evangelion and God, it's not a good place. It is horrible. From like the wah, wah, wah.

Shut up. Get in the fucking robot Shinji. Come on, we talked about this. Shit. All right, for anyone who's not aware,

so I think that Yanni, Neon Genesis Evangelion is an anime series. Actually, you could probably explain it rather than me. Oh, yeah.

It's a 26-episode extravaganza about how fucked up you are. Yeah. It's robots, but even that's not enough to redeem this world. So, yeah, pretty much it starts off being like, hey, there's aliens. We need to fight them by getting teenagers into robots. Teenagers? So unworthy.

14-year-olds, to be precise. Why? Is it just like the size? Like that's how big the cockpit is? So it's got a bunch of 14-year-olds and everyone is surprised when it's angsty? You can tell by their hair. They're so like, oh, no. Well, anime is all about the hair, isn't it?

This one's very grounded in reality in terms of like the hair colour. It's not as fun as Dragon Ball Zero. I mean, one of the characters has white hair and she's 14, so that's like not what she's seen a lot. She's an albino clone. She's got issues. Just like, give her a break. Wait, hang on.

Albino clone? Yeah, yeah. All right. So boil this down to its simplest elements. Imagine a world where aliens were invading. Our last hope was 14-year-olds that had daddy issues. Why? That's the thing.

You have to be emotionally fucked up to pilot these robots. What? But why? Build a better robot. Them's the rules, man. No, you have to be so just like on the verge of a breakdown. So when the scientist came in, he's like, look, we've got the robots to fight the aliens.

But the only way we can do it is we've got to get fucked up footy and your kids. No one was like, no. I say no to that. So what happens when you turn 15? They're like, thanks for your time. They're like, oh, you're getting a little bit old now. Okay, so I've designed this robot. So we need some pilots.

Now, what I need, I need kids. Already, it's a cross against you. No, no, I need kids. Okay, already it's a cross against you. No, no, I need kids. I need kids that maybe have been like emotionally abused. I don't understand your reasoning.

I don't understand your reasoning. No, I need them though to pilot this robot I have built. They synchronize with the robots better. Because the robots

are very angsty and they, no, why? What the fuck? Well, because they've got their mother's souls embedded in the robots. Yeah, if you want to get super technical.

Is there a reason that that's the way we... You guys have all read the forums. You've all been on that weekend. We were all out of uranium, had to use some mum souls or something. Nothing fires up a good old mum soul. I remember being shit scared.

And they have to die within the machine. Like, this is really fucked up. Actually, bonus points if the kid witnessed the death. I'm just saying. Like, the top pilots are the ones who witness this stuff. Wait, hang on. So, okay. Wait, wait, wait.

I've got a bot. I'm going to chuck a mum in there. Sick. No, no, no. Young child, come here. No, no, dead mum. I'm going to shoot the mum in the head. Do you kill the mum first?

It's not our mum, it's your mum it doesn't work with someone else's mum it's like, Mrs Cumberdale, do you want to come with me? sure, come along you just get them from the guilt website you're like, you'll do so it's like, Mrs Cumberdale, can you come over here with your child thanks, shoot her in the head

stuff her in a robot stuff her stuff her Thanks Shoot her in the head Stuff her in a robot Yep Stuff her No no no Her placer Stuff her That is like a really dignified death That you're giving this mum No way man

They have to be tortured And like fried alive Within the robot I keep imagining like And the kids have to listen to them Scream and scream and cry And watch no one do anything about it Oh my god

It's just like I keep imagining like a It's like North Korea Without the political tension I keep imagining like A... It's like North Korea without the political tension. I keep imagining like a steam train where you know you've got to

shovel the coal in but it's just a big pile of mums. Yeah. If your mum was coal if you were old King Cole and she was

Queen Mother Cole. I also really like to imagine budget versions where it actually doesn't matter whose mum it is. It's just got to be a mum, my mum. Whatever. It's a dog mum. Get in. It doesn't work quite as well, but it's fine.

Like there's a cheap knock-off mum soul shop. And it's like, do you want a mum soul, but don't have a mum? Come on down to cheap mum souls. Well, we got nothing but cheap mum souls. This is like putting petrol in a diesel car. This is not going to end well for anybody. Do dad's souls work?

No. Why? Dad's always responsible for the mom's souls being there. This is a lot of real weird coincidences. It's very specific. What about a lot of dog souls? How many dog souls? How many dog souls is your mom worth?

I don't know. Like 50? I don't know. I do like dogs though. They put dog souls in, it just started sniffing the alien's butts. They put dad souls in it, just turned the thermostat down. What if I got a dog soul and like a puppy?

Could the puppy then? Extra cue points. Yes, I see what you mean. Because a mom dog is like, let's be honest, if you're going to kill somebody's mom or a dog's mom, you kill the dog's mom. Yeah. And then the hope of humanity is less. That's be honest, if you've got to kill somebody's mum or a dog's mum, you kill the dog's mum. And then the hope of humanity is

less... That's just terrible. This is just to switch the robot on. Just to turn it on? Who made these bots? Dad. Dad, yeah. He's such a dick. Dad and mum, but mum dies in the process.

How many of these robots are there? I say we bring it back to your original thing and we have a reality TV show where people have to kill their mums in a bot and compete to represent Earth to try and bring down the aliens. Dad sits there like this. Oh yeah, no chance.

And they go to commercial break with dramatic music. I am sorry. And it's all done on the internet. Exactly. I didn't want to make it about me but thank you so I appreciate that I'm so very lost

oh yeah and also like this isn't even the end this is just the tip of the iceberg that's episode one is it that's literally like

this is like first 10 minutes where does it end the end of the world oh we all end up in a big pilot let's ruin it for everyone yeah who hasn't seen it

I'm so sorry I don't want to I don't want to watch it. Put your hands over your ears. This is your spoiler tag warning. No, because like this. It's an old series. No, it goes to shit.

So everybody that you care about. I can't imagine that something that started like that would go to shit. Oh, yeah. No, it gets worse, man. It's grim. So most of humanity gets wiped out again. Again? Yeah, we got wiped out of the stock.

Pay attention. You've got to pay attention. Come on, Zara. Yeah, okay. So if mom soul bots... I was too caught up on mom soul. Let's soul bots. Relax.

It sounds like a real Jamaican restaurant. Just relax for a bit. I feel like I need a hug. Long story short, we all end up in a collective soul goop. Yeah, that's pretty much what they do. I don't want to be part of any goop. Yeah, that's pretty much what they do. I don't want to be part of any goop. Yeah, so we're all one.

It's kind of thematic of the thing. We all become one. It's not great. It's either the end of the world if mum soul bots don't stop things. But the good ending is we all turn to a red soup. That's alright. And we're all one?

The good ending. Yeah, but you've mind melded with all of these guys. Yeah, we're all one? The good ending. And we're all one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there a bad ending? You've mind-melded with all of these guys. Yeah, yeah. We're all the same. I don't want to be goop. Can I just be me? Can I go somewhere else? No.

No, you don't die. You don't even get a choice. You just explode into goop. What if I went underground? No, no, no. You explode into goop. You get the little albino chick that we mentioned, Ray, before.

She comes up to you and she just goes, and then you goop. Oh, yeah. That's how you go down. Why get the little albino chick that we mentioned, Ray, before. She comes up to you and she just goes, and then you goop. That's how you go down. Just to fuck you up. She finds it funny, I guess. And then they market it as pet food, which is called Soylent Goop.

Made of souls. What do I do as a goop? I don't know, extra protein? Is that if we eat the goop? Do I chill as a goop? You just become the goop. And then what do I do as a goo? I don't know. Extra protein is good. Is that if we eat the goo? Do I chill as a goo? You just become the goo. And then what do I do? That's it.

That's it for eternity. You've mind melded with everybody. You know what? Until humanity learns to stop loving again, then you have to do the whole process again. What if I learn? What if I just learn to stop loving? Do I get out the goo?

Yeah, you end up on a beach, a desolated beach by yourself with a giant albino girl. She's everywhere, Ray. Who's a Ray fan? I'm going to ask a girl myself. Shinji, yeah, essentially. I hate it when Shinji becomes God.

He's a 14-year-old boy who masturbates a lot to girls who are in coma. Everyone's got a fetish. Don't kink, James. Fetishes and sex crimes are two different things. It is different. I've got to tell you, I think it might be the seat,

but I'm going to go with the last guy and be like, I think I'd rather be on Facebook. It's really bad. But I was thinking about it. If I live in a world where I know that the only hope humanity has for fighting aliens is like mom sold robots and traumatized teens, the idea of a goop

is pretty appealing. Wouldn't you rather live though? No. You're like, no, fuck TV. Wait, is there crabs on the beach? Are there crabs on the beach? No, there's nothing. There's no food. There's nothing except

a rotting corpse of an alien that has taken the form of your albino clone mother. And her head just goes... I hate it when that happens. It's something we can all relate to. And it's not a pleasant experience. And your pseudo-girlfriend

who hates your guts just chokes you. And says that you're disgusting. But I didn't get in the robot, I'm too old. No, no, no. Shinji, get in the fucking robot. Yeah, you don't get in the robot, which means that all of this takes place

and you have no input in it whatsoever. Does that mean I just suddenly one day am a goot? Yeah. But you're aware of like, imagine like a Godzilla attacking like every couple of days. That's fine. Every couple of days? You'd get Godzilla fatigue, wouldn't you?

Yeah, you would. Yeah, but they're different every time. They're pretty cool. Okay, cool. There's a bit of variety. Yeah, there's a bit of variety. You're like, how am I going to die today? No, the variety's kind of turning me.

I want to see what we get every day. What's next? Well, it ends. There's a timeline that you see. Yeah, and then you become a guru of all the world ends. There's only so many heralds of God until we all just... Heralds of God. Yeah, look.

God can't just turn up. There needs to be someone to announce it. Several times. And now, God. Oh, wait. Goop. God Goop. And now, God. Oh, wait. Goop. And now... We get it. We get God's coming.

I get it. He's coming. You made your point clear with the first herald. Let me just jerk off to my coma girlfriend, I guess. I don't know. This is a horrible place. The only good part about the Evangelion universe is that the timeline is very short.

It's over quick. You're going to die pretty quick. That's good. Yeah, but you would have had to live your whole life knowing that this is coming. Yeah, but like 15 years. And also there's the environmental implications. We've fucked up the ice so royally. We didn't even fucking think about those.

Didn't even think about the world building. I don't care about the environment. I'm goofed. By the end of I'm goofed. By the enter that you are, but surely before that you're like, let's save the ice caps. I don't think I'm caring about the ice caps with the fucking Godzilla crush in my city. There is nothing worse than trying to fight

aliens and being badgered about your carbon footprint. It's just the worst. I bought a Prius. Come on. I honestly, and I don't know, this says a lot about me, I think I'm more scared of the online world. I am.

Because I turn into a guru, that's fine, there's nothing I can do about that. Yeah, but you're not just an adamant goop, you're mind-melded with everybody in the world. Is it just humans? No, everything. So like deer and shit? Oh, yeah.

That's all right. But can people downvote your goop? Because that's really all it's about for me. I'm fine being goop, but the minute someone says they don't like my goop, I get very upset. Yeah. So also did I mention that you're goop, but you're also problem solving your feelings constantly.

In the goop. Everybody you know. But that's just Facebook. Yeah, but it's incessant. I hate it. But at least you have the barrier of like, private, I'm going to limit this to my friends. Oh, so it's like Facebook where you have no privacy,

things where you can't, don't show my ex that. Way worse. All right. I'm not happy. Now he gets a vote to decide whether or not being a goo or being online is worse. All right. So clap if you think that it is far worse to become a goo or being online is worse. Alright, so clap if you think

that it is far worse to become a goo or die in Evangelion. Or if you think that having to live your online life in real life, because that's now your life, is far worse. I think you've got this. Feisty Cuffs, thank you so so much but unfortunately your world was bad

but not bad enough know that you've made me unhappy good it's what I came here to do the moment I found out I could join Adia's thoughts in the goo I'm in think with Adia see what Adia's thinking see what I'm thinking sort shit out I can tell you both can be thinking the same thing

what the deer is thinking. See what I'm thinking. Sort shit out. That's good. I can tell you. You're both going to be thinking the same thing. What the fuck? All right. Thanks, you would love. Thank you so much. And now it's time for our next guest, Alexi Toliopoulos, who has a podcast called Mike Check, which, as far as I'm aware,

is the only Mike Myers-dedicated podcast in existence. Woo! Woo! Hey. Hello, guys. Thank you for having me here. Thank you. The note was not from me.

Sorry, that was awkward. I tried to be smooth. Obviously, I did not pull it off. You know what? It's a purely auditory medium. You shouldn't have said it. I think it's kind of on us for just being like, what is this note? You know what? It's a purely auditory medium. You shouldn't have said it. Sorry, I can't handle it. I think it's kind of on us for just being like, what is this? Sorry, guys. This is not relevant to us.

It's an absolute secret. We cannot share it. No. So, your worst universe to live in. I will be speaking tonight about a tale as old as time. A song as old as rhyme. Beauty and the Beast.

Okay, thank you. I do not want to be furniture. I'm excited about being furniture. That is the main point because obviously, I mean, if we were either to be either of the options, the Beauty and the Beast, many of us on the stage right now may turn out to be a of the options, the Beauty and the Beast, many of us on the stage right now

may turn out to be a beast, but for the most part, I think everyone would be townspeople in this universe. Would we agree? Yeah, yeah, that seems fair. Bell. Okay.

That makes me the beast. You're a honey. Crackpot professor. What am I doing? It's the 1700s. Crazy. Nobody wants my machines. See, already, that does suck.

No one is into machinery back then. It's all about cows, sows, horses, carriages, and French maids are very popular. So I guess there's one good thing. Until they are turned into dusters,

feather dusters, Feather dusters. Which is already not very cool. At least call Duster. Are we talking? We are talking. Are we talking like original story or Disney? We're talking Disney story.

Disney-fication of old fairy tales. We're talking animation, baby. Because I didn't see the live action one, I was upset by a lot of the news, yes, about... It's bad? Oh, okay. Thumbs down. Thank you, Roger Ebert.

Always comes to every show we do. It would be a terrible place to live because if you're just, your main thing in your whole life is you work for a young man in a castle quite far away from the rest of the village. I mean, that's tough, but I won't stay on that part for too long. The commute is terrible. But you're stuck in there and then one day an old hag turns up

in the middle of the night of the rain, asked to stay. Obviously, the answer will be no. You're not going to let an old hag turns up in the middle of the night of the rain asked to stay obviously the answer will be no. You're not going to let an old hag into your home. Especially if you live in the Disney world you should be afraid of hags. For sure. I'm afraid of hags in my life. I think we're sort of face shaming here, aren't we? Just because

they're unattractive doesn't mean that they're a bad person. Just being unattractive makes you a hag. The twist here is she is in fact a bad person. Isn't it the worst? It's political correctness gone mad. That's what I say. And the Disney universe has hags coming out the bloody wazoo. I'll tell you that.

And then you turn her down and her response is, okay, I'll make you a dog boy and I'll turn all the innocents that work for you into teacups, chairs, beds, closets. It's like she's just saying shit that she's seeing. Yeah, you can be a chair and you can be a fucking teacup and you can be a candelabra.

Well, that's fun to say. What I think would be the worst about that is that presumably it happens to all of his staff. So if you don't know what's happening down there, all of a sudden you're just a cupboard. Yeah. And for a good while, you don't know why you're a cupboard. Yeah. And I can't think of anything more terrifying than suddenly just being like.

Do you still have your organs? Do you open it up and go, oh, my liver. Well, I think inside you would have cuffs, which are all the children that play in the yard. As an empath, I am a person that has strong feelings and cannot disassociate myself from fictional characters. So I just get real stuck in there

with all the ramifications of everything. And there's a few that I cannot really get over that I think would really must you up for your entire existence, whether you become a human again or not. I think would really must you up for your entire existence Whether you become a human again or not, but I think about poor little chip He's a little he's a little teacup and he's grandma or mother. I don't know what their relationship is I watched the movie twice in preparation with this. It's not in there

Your existence becomes your mother But basically your existence becomes your mother fills you with tea and then someone else drinks from you. And I can only imagine that is them spitting into your mouth and then you pour the liquid into someone else's mouth. It's actually a metaphor about the struggles of poor people. Sometimes they've got to send the kids out onto the street to be drunk by strangers. How long?

It's not nice, but that's reality, people. That's life. Disney keeping it real. How long have they been furniture for? Ten years at least. I think I'd get used to it. Basically until an 11-year-old boy finds his first love, which is until he's 21.

That's a tall order. So until he masturbates. Yes. And guys, it's awesome. That's the best bit. Wait till you test it out. It's actually real sick. But then I think about like everyone just turns into like what their job is based around.

I mean, I really would really despise to be the plumber in this castle. I'm just thinking I would turn into a microphone. That's what I would do. And then people would do bad comedy into me and I'd be like, that sucks. I could have written that down. But you can talk. So they'd be like, here's an awful joke.

And you'd be like, boo. You could boo them. Boo. How great though to imagine you just continue your career as a microphone. Hey guys, it's great to be here.

But I just imagine the microphone just like rolling off the stage. Hey, can I talk about carpets? I fucking love that gig. That would be amazing. He's got all those microphone bits. That's where you're drawing from now, is your life as a microphone.

That's easy for you to say. You don't have a cable up your tuchus. You've got the jokes ready to go. We've got to get a Pixar movie made about this. Not one of the shorts at the start. Full-blown blown three line picture. Another problem with Beauty and the Beast, if you are lucky or unfortunate enough to be the Beast,

you're like this awesome, fearsome, ferocious beast for ten years and you look so cool and awesome. And then you make out with some pretty lady and then you turn into a prissy fancy boy. And that's going to suck. And flip side, if you're Belle and you're like, fuck, that's a handsome beast. Yes.

I'm going to get all up in that. You kiss him and then he turns into a fancy boy. You're like, I like the... Yeah. Really undermines his bad boy persona. I'm really into bears, but you're like... Plus, I suppose at that point... Like a straight bear, so I don't know what that is.

Is there any furniture left in the castle as well? Yes, well, I don't understand what happens to that. Do they just like, well, we are used to this lifestyle. I guess you can drink out of my head these days as well. They all get turned back and someone's like, what are we going to do for teacups? And if you turn back as like you were a teacup, imagine trying to drink out of a teacup.

You're like, I don't want to. I can't. It's a political issue for me. I always think the strangest part of the Beauty and the Beast universe is that those people in the town presumably were under the fealty of the beast or his dad. But then at one point he just became a beast and everyone in town was just like, okay. All right.

We never speak of the dog boy anymore. The dog boy does not rule us. We rule ourselves now. Didn't this village have a king? No But there's no doubt That there's a meta show to be made About the conversations that people had But they were like

Did everyone just get turned into teacups? Just like hopping over as a couple Being like this is crazy Is it just me or is this super weird I think that if you were looking For my room in the castle You'd just find like a destroyed cupboard As I panic

Smack smack smack Gone What if you accidentally drop a plate Fuck I killed the old auntie I killed my fucking auntie You're stuck around forever. And what about clumsy people who've been turned into teacups? Yes.

Oh, Richard. And the true tragic love story of Beauty and the Beast is the candelabra and the beautiful feathery duster maid who they can no longer hook up or do it because, as we all know, feathers, highly flammable. And when he's at his finest moments, Lumiere, he does heat up above the head and the hands, most especially on the hands. But the heat's all up top, you know.

He's got the hands as well. He should still tickle from below. I'm just being practical here. Hey, with the candelabra, with Lumiere, his face is the candle, yeah. He's got the hands as well He's got the hands as well He can still tickle from below I'm just being practical here Hey With the candelabra With Lumiere Yes His face is the candle

Yes And that's on Oh no Candles melt Oh my goodness Are you like When you then pop back Into reality as a lad

Do you have a melty face? Like That's I mean Best case scenario You get your head poured On a Big Brother Episode 1 contestant That's absolutely The best case scenario, you get your head poured on a Big Brother episode one contestant.

That's absolutely the best case scenario. That is a sweet callback, man. Thank you, guys. It was a riff. I made it up right now. That's called shelving. You absolutely would have a melty face because Chip is called Chip because he's got a chip. And when he's a kid, he's missing a tooth.

Oh, thank God. I actually didn't realise that. I thought, fuck, this guy's going to come back with beneath his hair is a hole in his skull. And I just, that really, that was one of the most disturbing things. Yeah, he does just have a hole in his tooth. That's fine. We did it. You're back, Beast.

You're a man again. But the kid's just seizuring out from the floor. Just drooling. Oh my god. We shouldn't have brought him back. Quick, find a hag. We need a curse. And in that, because there's a room in the Beast's castle that is full of destroyed furniture. And that's where the Beast goes when he's angry to just kill his servants

because he's fucked up. When everyone becomes human again, what do they do with that room? They just shut the door. Let us never speak of it again. I like to imagine Belle, maybe a month in, just lying in bed. It's just like, oh my god. We gotta go check out that room.

No, we don't. Room 101. Let's eat soup. It's fine. I forgot how to use utensils. Somehow. Don't worry about it. You are not going. Let's eat soup. It's fine. It's fine. I forgot how to use utensils. Somehow. Like, bad things happen to furniture.

Like, I'm not a super clumsy man, but, like, I know that with my house, like, doorknobs have fallen off. That's just murder now. Or at least, like, disarmament. Yeah, like, you might come back without a hand. Yeah. Or at least disarmament.

Yeah, like you might come back without a hand. If a doorknob falls off a door of an alive doorman and then you get a new doorknob from the shop and then everyone becomes... Bionic arm! You just come back with a doorknob. I like the idea that if the doorknob fell and it got bumped and it was a little bit malformed and people would keep looking at it going, there's something about that doorknob.

It always looks angry. Yeah, it's got resting knob face. I'm trying to think. Like, yeah. Because also. Good one. I'm trying to think like yeah because also good one if we are to believe what is happening

that Beast and Belle truly are falling for each other as well surely there'll be moments where they find passion within the bedroom I mean the bed

is probably the old queen or something the queen size bed is probably yeah they don't even know and like years later they go you fucked on me by the

way. Sorry about that. I guess it is my own sensibilities but this could truly be a world of an etherpool

nightmare at every angle. You could be drinking your friend, fucking on your friend, eating on your friend at any

point in time. You can't do anything. Everything would just withdraw into stasis. People would be like, if we don't do anything, we can't do anything everything would just like just withdraw into stasis people be like if we don't do anything we can't do anything I mean and you would also presumably if you're at any kind of a decent person you

probably shit in the woods outside cuz you then again, I think after 10 years, I'm like, fella, let's just accept it. You're a toilet, you're not even going to fucking notice. Oh, hang on, do you still have taste buds? No, you can't. And also, you're shitting in his head, not his mouth. Wait, where's the toilet shitting? None of them shit. Lumiere's not shitting like little wax.

Little wax poops around. But clearly he can make sweet love to the feather dust. I think they just... Is he just spurting hot liquid wax? Hot wax on him? See, I always assumed... Guys, can we stop anthropomorphising this crockery? It's even more difficult to get off your clothes at that point as well if it is that hot wax

You cannot let it dry This feather dust is so sticky What the fuck happened to this feather dust I don't like this I always assume that Lumiere And the feather dust are just like Simulated It's sort of like a bit sad

They just kind of grind against each other Because neither of them have sensation anymore. That's kind of how I assume they all exist. And Lumia's hands are on fire. That's a problem as well. That's a problem as well. And it's got the issue that you bring up with your Freaky Friday situation. Once you've been turned into furniture once.

Once you widen that hole one time, the hole can widen exponentially. So you could be like, I don't know. Furniture for ten years, lad for three days, then you fuck up again, furniture for another ten years. Imagine you're still in that castle as staff. Or a dog man.

Yeah, well, yeah. Imagine you're staff of the beast, right? And one day there's a knock at the door of the castle and the beast, who's now a fancy boy, opens it up and there's a guy who's like, I'm going to murder you. I'm going to murder everyone in the house. Let me in. You're going to be like, yeah, just best let him in.

What if? What if? What if it's a hack? Let's not take the risk. Let him inside. Come on in. And then let the removalists inside. So.

All right. Now has come to the point where we need to decide whether or not potentially being furniture and shitting in your friend's head or maybe hot wax, you know, is worse than living in an online world. They're very different beasts. Sorry. Poor choice of words.

And also, sorry, guys. Beauty and the Beast is ruined forever and that's okay. Alright, so I need you guys to clap if you think that living in a Beauty and the Beast world is worse. People in the audience being like, no, that's alright. You know why? Because everyone wants the shit in their friend's mouth, really. Deep down, everyone's like, that sounds pretty fucking good, actually. I like the sound of that. I love facials, but what if they were

a little bit more hotter? And everyone who turned up with someone else goes... Alright, and I guess we'll just double clap. Just double clap, yes? Double check. Double clap. Two claps. There it is.

That's what we were looking for all along. I'm a professional. This is why online's the worst. I have a job because of it. That's true. Oh, boy. All right, Alexi, I've got some bad news, my friends. Guys, thank you so much for having me.

Sorry about all the shitting in mouth stuff I mean I guess you guys are into it So that's okay Thanks so much guys have a good one Thank you so much Let's bring up our last guest For this evening Zoe Balotta You may know her from Shut Up A Second

Or Hi You may know her from Shut Up A Second. Or... Hi. Hi. Yeah, that one guy. I'm gone. Do I win? Do I win? Well, it depends. What's your worst fictional universe to live in and why?

I've actually been asked this question on a live show before. Yep. And my initial answer, which I didn't want to repeat, but initially I didn't want to live in the BoJack Horseman universe because I don't know what dicks everyone has. Yep. Fair. Uh-huh.

I'm so with you there. So let's note that I've already used my trump card and now I had to go into the vaults and find something else. Fair. So my worst fictional universe to live in is the Hannibal universe. Because of the murder? But then someone makes a delicious-looking meal out of me. The murder or the eating?

Which part don't you like? The eating. The food's too fancy. Yeah, how did you like Hannibal? Too rich. So the food's too fancy in Hannibal? There's no, just get a pizza. But like, I mean, for you to be

so viscerally against it, are we to understand that you have eaten human and gone, it's not good, guys. It's too fancy. It's not good. It's too rich. My lawyer told me to say not to my recollection. I like the idea that you're like, human meat,

I can get around that, I guess. I genuinely could get around if someone was like, we live in a universe where humans are on the cards. Yeah. Possibly. It's always a surprise. You a universe where humans are on the cards. Yeah. Possibly, but it's always a surprise. You can go and eat at KFH. Yeah. What's in the kebab?

Is it chicken? Is it seagull? Is it human? I really like humans on the cards, because it's not a guarantee. It's not a guarantee, it's a maybe. Look, you might be eating, we'll see. That I can get behind, but what I can't get behind

is every time you have a meal There's like a ritual There's a ritual There's like five courses And there's like It's served on a fucking banana leaf And it's a bird that you have to eat whole And you have to wear your fanciest clothes

And there's no situation Where you're just like eating ramen In front of the TV So do you think So there's no way in this universe I could have just like a pizza? There is no within the universe. I'm going to specify with the NBC show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There is no depiction of just regular eating. So there's no tracky-dacks like that with a bit of human just. Yeah, like Hannibal is so ostentatious with his food and I feel like that's really exhausting. So really? So you know when you go, oh, Hannibal, people go, she doesn't like eating humans. You go, nah, just too high maintenance for me.

But I am scared of a universe with no McDonald's. Yeah. But not like you can't have McDonald's. It just doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. Every meal you'll have to prepare yourself. Ah, no. And it's not like, Every meal you'll have to prepare yourself. Oh, no. And it's not like, oh, you'll just make some ramen or a sandwich

or just like fucking eat Nutella from the jar. So it's like being vegan. It's just high maintenance. It's worse than being a vegan because you have to kill your own meat. Exactly. Wait, is every food human? Maybe. I don't want to live in a world Where every meal is human

No, not everything Just most things Human isn't necessarily on the Everything else is on the cards Human is your main state No, that's alright It's too fair, this is like Matt Preston's Ideal universe

Can I have a taste? Let me cut off a toe What cut is this? It's love handles I don't like love handle This is Craig Alarange But I don't like the one Where I open up my pantry

and it's not just like, oh, there's my two-minute noodles or like a jelly cup. It's like, it's just ingredients and then I have to do everything myself because I'm not going to eat in that universe. I'm going to starve and die. There's no pizza. There's no situation where you can just be like,

I want to be lazy and left alone. Because even in this universe, Hannibal, when he's just by himself, still makes a five-course meal. Who's he impressing? No, no, just for him. Like, he just loves it. For our sake. For our sake.

And even if he invites you over for dinner, you sit there at the end of a very long table, you know, and he, like, pushes the food and you go, sorry, I'm not a leg man. I'm a breast man. You got any breasts? Sorry, we're all out of breasts. Women don't want to come into my kitchen. On the other hand, if there is takeaway, but it's just fancy takeaway,

that's all right. There is no takeaway. But what if there's a frozen yogurt place, but the frozen yoghurt just is a five course frozen yoghurt meal? Yeah, there's this German thing called Ute Eats. I like

the idea of a frozen yoghurt place giving me five tubs that like fill up a five course meal of yoghurt. Turkey? Nah, it's gotta be like fancy yoghurt though. And you have to prepare it. You probably have to make the yog as well. Yeah. See, there is no takeaway. There's no just easy access food. I don't like it and I'm not having any of it.

But I think perhaps your problem is that you've stepped into the beginning of a universe, right? So in this universe, you know, on the TV show, Hannibal's like the only dude or he's one of few dudes. But if we could imagine that this sort of spreads worldwide,

eventually it'll be like our universe. There'll be lean cuisine type things where you just pay money and they bring you like 17 weekly pre-prepared human dishes. You have your Jeff Stroganoff and

things like that. I do like meals on wheels, but the nan just kills the person who comes into the house. It's just like, and you're like, this is my job. I die and get ate by a nan. Yes. Nan spaghetti! That's shelving!

That's bringing it back. Yeah. The inside's raw raw but on the surface It looks calm and ready Knees weak, nan spaghetti Next week you're nan spaghetti Yeah it sounds like A lot of hassle

Making the food, honestly just kill me And serve me Yeah just let me be food. I guess if your options are like have a five course meal that you have to make or die. Or be a five course meal. I'll choose that. Jackson, you're very gamey.

What are you implying? You might have a choice here, mate. Like I said, I'm happy to be eaten. That's fine. It'd be easy to hunt. Yeah, I, I'm happy to be eaten. That's fine. It'd be easy to hunt. Yeah, I'm not even going to fight you. This is much

better than starving to death. Just shoot me, please. Because I imagine in a world where I have to make a five course meal, I'm just going to try and survive on flour or something. Flour and sugar. If I get a cup of flour and egg, mix that together. Good. I like the idea of trying to survive on

flour and sugar with no liquids. Just like... If I try to eat saliva as a liquid, it'll mix in. Yeah, but... It'll end up being like concrete in your mouth, I feel. Rub it into your tongue until it turns

into a palatable paste. But like, say I did that, am I going to get in trouble in this universe? Get it. Get it. It's like the super long post that pork shit get hit. It. Eat wrong, get it. Get it.

Welcome to the universe, eat wrong, get it. That's, I mean, as as a punishment that's really scary And it's also like It's pretty no nonsense too That's true parents always have that over their kids in this universe They're kind of like Well if you'd rather be eaten I'll clean my room

Eat the rest of your dinner Or I'll eat you Or it will eat you We'll reanimate it and it will eat you. I like that we've had some pretty broad universes here where things have been real bad, like people turning to goo, nan's spaghetti.

This has given me the most stress because the amount of effort every meal would be. It's just a continuous hassle. If we want to bring my universe back, could you imagine the load on the Instagram servers? First course, second course, third course, fourth course. Thank God they have that music on your chair.

Yeah, they got a swagger. Thank God they added that. Five courses, one post. And when you do finally go to a nice restaurant for a five-course meal and do something fancy, it's not that fancy. It's not that fancy. Oh, no. It's a ten-course meal and do something fancy, it's not that fancy. Oh no!

It's a ten course meal when you go out. That's too much food! Of course it is, but would you rather get it? No. It's the perfect amount of meals. No! I'll eat the ten. I'll eat the ten.

It's all beautiful. It's all these really fat people just terrified who hate food and just keep eating It's all these really fat people Just terrified Who hate food And just keep eating Otherwise Lest they be the meal And they're all wearing

Like real fancy clothes Because that was also Another part of this Everyone has to Put like a veil over your eyes So God doesn't watch you Eat a quail or some shit It's fucking stupid

God this is awful It's just too much Of a day to day hassle It is I like though You have to wear suits Every day But see But here's the thing Fucking stupid. God, this is awful. It's just too much of a day-to-day hassle. It is. I like, though. You have to wear suits every day. But see, but here's the thing.

And here lies the rub. Maybe it's good. Yeah, herein lies the rub, though, is that that universe is, like, nicely self-perpetuating because we all eat 10-course meals so that we don't get eaten, but by eating the 10-course meals, we become real big and plump and delicious. No, no, Jack. Have you had a steak that has fat on it?

Ah. Yeah, go. You want it nice and marbled. You want a little bit of fat. Marble, that's right. It's the marbling that really makes a human. So it would have to be like eat the 10 courses, wait a day, go to the gym, repeat.

Yeah. Gym? Are you kidding me? Basically, if you go to the gym, repeat. Gym? Are you kidding me? Basically, if you go to the gym, you get it. Because people are like, you're ruining the food. You're real tough on it up there. Yeah, actually, that's my strategy is real bad. I guess do yoga?

Get nice and lean. Why are we trying to make ourselves tasty? The yoga classes are called things like lean cuisine. Yeah. Why are we trying to make ourselves tasty? That's a question for you The yoga classes are called things like lean cuisine Turn up the heat, get your roasting I was going to say, in this universe, if you don't get it You get put on a deer head, so Oh

You get a murdered and put on a stag's horn Oh, you get mounted Oh wait, so do I get mounted or do I get put on a deer's head? Which is what you said Because if I get to, sorry, what, I get put on a deer's head? Which is what you said. Sorry, what? Like I sit on a deer and they're like, Jackson. You're pierced with a deer's head? A head of the deer? Antler.

Oh! But what? I don't know what you mean getting put on a deer's head. I imagined a deer, right? And then just your head. I didn't even imagine my head. That's not what she said. They're like, Jackson, we're not going to a deer's head. I imagined a deer, right? And then just your head. I didn't even imagine my head. That's not what she said.

They're like, Jackson, we're not going to eat you. Sweet, sit on this deer's head. Okay. Is this what you want? Wait, can I ask a question? Because I like the idea that there wouldn't even be a deer head. I love the idea that in this universe, the idea of killing or eating an animal is so abhorrent.

People would be like, you killed a deer? You horrendous human being. Come here and get it. Animals, there's heaps of them. We love them, but people, they're like sheep. I've always liked the idea of being mounted. I think that's all right. Having my head poking out of the wall of being mounted. I think that's alright. Having my head

poking out of the wall of a hunter, a big game hunter. He was delicious. Getting posed in the corner like a scary bear. They're like, he wasn't like this when we got him, but we posed it to make him seem more threatening. It's more impressive.

They're like, any last requests and you go, when you mount me, pose me with dignity. Don't make me do that. At least that's how I would have wanted to go. So, living in a universe of making fancy

human dinners constantly, is that worse than... And there's no pizza. Way to just chuck that in at the end. No, And there's no pizza. Is that worse... A way to just chuck that into the air. No, it'd be fancy pizza. Thin crust made with, like, prosciutto. You have to make it. I like the moment you're like, it'd be...

It still exists, though. The moment you're like, it'd be fancy pizza. The, like, look of shock in Zoe's eyes. She's like, no, no. I want a shitty margarita. Because nothing is better than that fucking shitty pizza ham and that cheese

that somehow is in a unified one piece. I can think of one thing better. If the ham was made of people! So, round Soylent Pizza. Good. Not enough of them. So, those ofylent Pizza. Not enough of them.

So, those of you who think that Zoe's murder universe is the worst universe, clap your hands together. Pretty fast. Online? That's pretty close. Pizza-less dystopia? No. Cyberbullying. That's pretty close. Pizza-less dystopia. Cyber bullying.

Yarny Wint. Yes! I just picked a side there. And so we've proved that reality is scarier than anything that we could possibly think of. The worst fictional universe is reality. Yeah, alright. So, now that we've got a winner, we'll get everyone out on stage so that we can

thank everyone again all together as a group. Everybody who's been a guest tonight. Not just like all of you. Let's just get every single person. There has to be a fourth wall. Come on. Just come on stage. Just come on straight. Just come on straight.

We're so good. We're so good. Whoa. That was a very impressive jump. Well done. All right. Is everyone here? Yes.

All right. Big round of applause for everyone. Thank you so much for coming. Sydney has been fine to us. I lost my phone.

My phone got stolen last night. Sydney got me again. Earlier in the day, I went to take a shit. There was no toilet paper. Hey, Jackson, when did you realize that? Post shit. I had to look around. I was like, got me good, Sydney.

Got me good, I guess. Where's my phone? Got me good, Sydney. Got me good, I guess. Where's my phone? Got me good, Sydney. I haven't experienced any bad Sydney since I've been here. I feel like I'm the only Sands fans member that hasn't had bad Sydney. Well, that's because they've pretty much prohibited bad Sydney. I think it's just the plumbing boys because when we had Adam up here, he had a lovely time.

I've had such a nice time. There is a cat that lives in the park across the road from my hotel. I've made a friend. The only slight downside of Sydney was having to get the toilet paper for Jackson when he was stuck in the toilet. And even then, I got to witness his humiliation, which was kind of fun. So no, Sydney's great.

I love it. All right, so one big round of applause again for our guests who have been like quite lovely to join us and a round of applause for everyone for coming

thank you so much guys we've been Sandspan's Radio 1 guests this has been a very special Sydney Comedy Festival show and on that note I've been Joel

I've been Jackson I've also note... I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I've been Yarny. You had a microphone. Yeah, thanks for sharing that. I've been Alexi. The pressure.

I'm first here. I've been Gabe. And I've been Zoe. Thanks for coming. Thanks so much, guys. Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. Thank you. Bye.

Hey, my scarf. Infinity scarf. I've been wearing your scarf all night. We're sharing clothes now. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at SandsPantsPlus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content,

and much, much more. That's SandsPantsPlus.com.