Plumbing the Death Star - Which Jedi Could You Seamusly Replace?

Episode Date: January 17, 2021

Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here or join our Discord here.You can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Shop | TeesWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Jackson | Duscher | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website or check out his YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Saz Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which Jedi could you seamlessly replace? Which Jedi could you shamelessly replace? Which Jedi could you call Seamus? Well, I guess all of them. They just weren't handsome. Hey, Seamus!

No, Luke. No, I reckon someone would respond. That was probably the Jedi. The Jedi's named Seamus. Jedi not Shameless. Also the alien ones, like the guy with the big long neck and then Kit Fisto.

I think they'd respond because they'd be like, look, it's an alien, I get it. They might just think my name is Shameless. I think it would be like they would respond

because they'd be like, am I Shameless? Is that what's happening? Is that my new Jedi name? It's always good when the episode jumps off on a riff of me fucking up the intro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Knowing full well that my fuck up jumps off on a riff of me fucking up the intro. Knowing full well that my fuck up is definitely in the recording. Oh yeah, for sure. In a way we guarantee it. Anyway, I could seamlessly replace Qui-Gon Jim from The Phantom Menace. Yeah, Qui-Gon Jim? Yeah, Qui-Gon Jim. I think his name now is Seamus. Seamus Jim.

All right, so you're Seamus Jim in The Phantom Menace. So, okay, I'm going to ask a very brave question. Do you remember The Phantom Menace? By and large, mostly. All right. All I need to do is be like Anakin Skywalker. Incorrect. Okay, so you're going to do is be like Anakin Skywalker. Incorrect. Padawan boy.

Seamlessly replaced. So movie opens. It's you and your Padawan. So the first thing that you have to do. Me and Ewan McGregor. Seamus, Jim, and Ewan McGregor. Seamus and Ewan. Famous Jedi.

We suck in gas on the alien space so you're there for a negotiation between the trade federation and embargoes yeah okay well then you get no to be honest there's not really much negotiation goes on no their first play is to assassinate okay so they're gassing you yeah okay we cut a hole with our lightsabers. That's why we have them, for holes. To get out of the gas room. And then some Federation shit happens. We get shot a lot. How are you with wordlessly communicating with your Padawan to do certain things?

Can I whisper it? No, you have to use sort of gestures, pulling of ears and wiggling of noses. I like to imagine that I just think that that's a force power and I think it really hard at Ewan McGregor. And I make a groaning noise. To be honest, you are training Ewan.

Look, obviously none of us have the force in real life. So in this situation, we have the force because we're Jedi. So you would, of course, be training Ewan. So what kind of secret communication to make sure- Probably coughs and sneezes instead of hand gestures. Ewan?

And that, of course, means to- Kill these guys. So rather than trying to escape the droids, you're now cutting through them? I thought we were talking to the gross alien guys in robes. Yeah, but that's a bit later. You've got to get out of the gas room.

Okay, well, we kill the droids. Yeah, sure. And then we get out of the gas room. Then we kill the aliens in robes. I'm just trying to get to Anakin Skywalker. Okay, so you've started a war so look no no they haven't no well no they've retaliated because they also the separatists declare war on naboo here now yeah but like you you've all they they well they're dead who's declaring can't declare war of your dead so they made the first strike in terms of trying

to assassinate the peacekeepers. Exactly. That's fair. I mean, they did that in the film, and Qui-Gon arguably could have gone a bit harder since they did try to assassinate the peacekeepers. Jedi usually don't respond with just... Well, I ain't your granddad's Jedi, so... I do respond with force. To be honest, Qui- got a bit wakey.

He could have shown a bit more of a... Again, they tried to assassinate the peacekeeper, so now I'm fully supporting you going complete Rambo on the Separatist ship. How are you getting off this ship? Do we not have our own ship? Also, let's not forget that the Separatist... Look, spoilers for the Phantom Menace, but at the end, that ship does get blown up, killing them all.

And that is not the end of the separatists because there is more of them. In fact, Count Dooku works with them, which we find out later in the thing. But I'm not trying to follow Star Wars. I'm trying to get to Anakin Skywalker to tell him he's full of bugs and I got to bring him to where the Jedi planet. You need to understand here, Jackson. We understand your goal and look we want to help you. Thank you. But actions and I know you haven't learnt this lesson in your life

actions have consequences. And also in this scenario you do not know about Anakin Skywalker. Haven't I shamelessly replaced him? Qui-Gon. At this point Qui-Gon doesn't know fuck about shit about Anakin. Yeah, but I'm Jackson! When I shamelessly replaced

Mario when we were replacing Mario characters, I knew what the goal was. So I, Jackson Bailey, i.e. Seamus Jim, am gonna rock it down in a booth. Day one, find Anakin Skywalker, be like, you're full

of bugs, I'm Seamus Jim. I'm stealing you from this waterway. All right, fine. You have this knowledge that you have to search for an Anakin full of bugs. And you've gone to Naboo. Yeah. Where is he? Where the pod racing is.

On Naboo. Yeah. So you've fallen into Naboo. There are some goongans and mechs or whatever the fuck chasing you. You deal like a Jar Jar Binks is there. Excuse me, Mr. Binks. Where are the pod racers? My name is Seamus Jim.

Where is the pod racing? And he'll be like, meesa don't know, because youse are on the wrong planet. Youse are fuckheads. What do I mean, then? Jar Jar Binks. Oh, we're not pod racing. I reckon they'd have an equivalent. And I reckon Jar Jar would be like,

okay, Mesa take you to pod racing. I'd take you to a pod racing. How do we make? It's like a race, like pods with gross caterpillars in them and a race for which one comes out first. What will probably happen is like, Mesa take you to Gungan City. And you'll be like, yeah, all right, dude.

And then you follow and drown. So can I breathe underwater? Mesa, don't know. I'll test. Check your pockets. But look, at this point, you have Ewan. And I feel Ewan, he's definitely more competent than Qui-Gon. And I think he's definitely more competent than Seamus Jim over here.

Ewan's thing, though, is like, and through the Phantom Menace, definitely more competent than Qui-Gon and I think he's definitely more competent than Seamus Jim over here. Ewan's thing though is like, and through the Phantom Menace, we'll follow Seamus Jim through thick and thin, which is an issue because there's definitely points where Ewan is like, Jim, I don't know about this. And Seamus is like,

Are you sure you can breathe underwater, Master Jim? Yes, shut up. Master Jim, we do have these breathing apparatus in our pockets. I thought when you went to your pocket that you were replying I was going to be like, pick up my lightsaber and put it in my mouth and just kill myself. Master Jim.

Is that what we need to do? He's undead. Yeah. Yeah. That's just Ewan. The inventions of Ewan. And dead Seamus Jim. Okay, well, I guess I'm just getting to the part,

the Phantom Manus, where I am on Naboo. So you're on Naboo. So you're on Naboo. You've gone to the Gungan City. You've met some Jar Jar. You've gone to the Gungan City. There's a big boss nass. Boss nass. Hello, boss nass. Why does he do the clicks've gone to the Gungan city. There's a big boss Nass. Boss Nass.

Hello, boss Nass. Why does he do the clicks? That's just Gungan talk. No other Gungan does it. Would you still be siding up to Jar Jar or that guy who's like, Jar Jar's a cunt, fuck him. Would you then go for him instead? At this point, Zammett, I don't know what's happening.

Because I'm here looking for Anakin. He's gone. And I'm in the Gungan city. What's happened here to both you, my good friend, Joel Zammett and you, my good friends, the listeners,

except the ones that I don't like. Yeah. Like you, Jackson's like, it's all right. I got one goal. I'm going to go to Anakin. And then instead of,

he's misremembered the film. Instead of going in the way that he wanted to go, he's sidetracked the way that the characters in the movie go and now he's lost i'm lost in the phantom menace i need a map a dvd copy of the phantom menace look at the chapter selection to remember where to go i need to go back to main menu on my remote yeah Scene selection. Figure out where I need to go. Okay, so the good news is you have followed the Phantom Menace so far. Have I jumped ahead, though? No.

But the bad news is you don't know where you need to go. There's always a bigger fish. Yes. You need to think further ahead than where you currently are. So currently you are in Boss Nass's chamber. Boss Nass is just like, why are you here? I'm pretty sure he said,

his whole thing is like, we hate Naboo. Yeah. Qui-Gon's like, you're an idiot. You live on the way to Naboo. So you're like, oh, what are you like? So, okay, you have to explain the situation to Boss Nass. What do you say?

Hello, Boss Nass. My name is Seamus Jim. Where's pod racing? Where am I? You're in the greatest Gungan city of Naboo. I'm looking for pod racing so I can find Anakin Skywalker. Oh, pod racing! I know a thing

or two about pod racing. Last time I asked a Gungan where pod racing was, he brought me here. Are you gonna bring me here again? We know where pod racing is, and then we get the equivalent of some sort of underwater race for... Is this it? Is this what you want? I thought it was in a desert.

The Gungan Olympics. You're now watching the Gungan Olympics? This seems wrong. Is there a time? No, there's no time limit on stuff that happens with Anakin in the Phantom Menace. No, he's just kicking it sweet being a slave boy, I guess. I guess I'd ask Boss Nat if any of this was desert. Not this.

I know we're underwater. But no desert on Nanaboo. I guess I'd ask Boss Nat if any of this was desert. Not this. I know we're underwater. But no desert on Nanaboo. Where's the nearest desert? He shrugs, points to the sand, take it up, I guess, let it dry out. I don't know if that'll work. I'm not trying to make a desert. Maybe I go back to where the Jedi live, the Jedi planet.

Coruscant? Yeah, they're on Coruscant. I go back to Coruscant. You go to the Jedi temple and they're like, what are you doing? No, no, no. Middle of a meeting. Hi, I got lost. Okay, so now you've got to get off Naboo. So I guess you get that weird submarine ship. Yeah, there's always a bigger

fish. We get out, the submarine is in all sorts of spaces. So where are you going now? To space. Okay, so you need a ship. How did we get here? It was an escape pod, wasn't it? The escape pod, yeah. I think. I honestly couldn't remember that part either. And I still can't.

I can't remember how. I assume it was an escape pod. There'll be ships around. We buy one okay you buy one okay jedi mind trick whatever okay so you buy one where okay where in the boot are you going this is what i do i go up to the fellow i'm like jedi mind trick i'm like you're gonna give me your spaceship and where is the jedi plant look we we won't obviously we're not gonna make you direct us to corazon you want to go to corazon once you get a spaceship, it'll take you there. I'm still like, wait, because on Naboo, so they have to escape Naboo. Why?

Oh, yeah, that's a good point. What's happening on Naboo? Because there's an embargo or a trade war or something. There's a ring around Naboo. Well, how do they get out in the movie? That's the thing. That's the thing. How do they get out in the movie? That's the thing. How do they get out in the movie, Jackson? I'll ask Ewan McGregor.

I haven't seen The Phantom Menace. I suppose if we manage to get some kind of ship and we just sneak past. It has to be small. It has to be very tiny. It also needs to be able to go to hyperspace. Can escape pods? No. No, no, no.

They have no flying capacity. Escape pod is they just shoot us out. I just wonder if there's a character we should have met on Naboo that may have helped us here. We met Jar Jar Binks. I just wonder if there's anyone else. Are we bringing Jar Jar? I don't care. You're the master, Master Seamus.

Yes. I'm just thinking it for a bit. All right, Jar Jar, would you like to come on a space adventure? Mesa, come! Do you know where a... What did you say you were? A hyper ship is? Maybe a stealth, because again, we've got to get a small spaceship. Mesa, I just wonder if maybe there's a character involved in a prequel trilogy

that maybe we haven't met yet that maybe be involved heavily Mesa think you so closer are we underwater still I imagine us on the bank sitting on an underwater rock Mesa think that maybe you're focusing on one child and not It's like sitting on an underwater rock Is Nicole Kidman in the film?

Misa thinks that maybe you're focusing on one child And not forgetting about the other half of it Well, are there many cities on Naboo? Who can say? Because we don't know So ideally you'd be trying to go to a main city in Naboo Probably the closest one to the Gungan city to try and get a space flight. Well, that's, I assume, where we went. There's a gunfight in there, I recall.

Yeah, yeah, that's later on. Am I doing that? Later on. Maybe. Oh, no. To be honest, probably not. No, no, no, you're not involved. You're like Qui-Gon.

Yeah. Busy dying at that point. Okay, okay, yeah, sick. Okay, so we go to that place. We find not- Yeah, so it's under siege by droids. Uh-huh. I don't think at this point it is.

Isn't it? No. All right, great. We go to the city. Yeah. We find- It's not Nicole Kidman. No.

But it's like Nicole Kidman. Maybe a queen. Queen Armadala. No. But it's like Nicole Kidman. Maybe a queen. Queen Armadala. Yay. Queen Armadala. I just remembered you, and we've got to find Queen Armadala. Yeah, cool. Can I arrive at the palace?

Jar Jar being still. Mesa wondering what we're doing with Queen Armadala. We'll figure that out when we get there, Jar Jar. Okay, so. When you get to Queen Armadala. Mesa at the palace, which is where you wanted to go. Fabulous. Queen Armadala...

Lisa here! We need to get out of this planet, because I've got to go back to the Jedi planet. Unfortunately... We've got the problem of the trade. Have you got a small hyper ship? We probably do have a small hyper ship. We've got my ship, which is small, With the problem of the trade. Have you got a small hyper ship? We probably do have a small hyper ship. I'll take it.

We've got my ship, which is small yet can jump into hyperspace, which I believe is something. That's all I think Ewan said we needed. I'm going to send my handmaiden. No, no, no, no, no. You're going to send your handmaiden? Oh, yeah, no. Well, madam, be my guest.

Now, as a person who knows Star Wars The Phantom Menace, would you take the handmaiden or would you take Queen Amidala? Handmaiden? Hand. Then, no, I'll take Queen Amidala. Cool. As I assumed. Get to the Jedi planet, finally.

Knock, knock. I got lost. So, okay. Before, I was like, I'm just going to take stock into what he's currently done. Oh, no, he skipped a lot. He skipped into a different... Oh, no, no, no.

Because the reason they go to Tatooine is because they get shot to shit. And they get damaged. You've given him the magic piece now. But I don't even think he's realised. No, he hasn't. You're stupid as shit. We literally just told you and you weren't listening. he's real life. No, he hasn't. You're stupid as shit. We literally just told you and you weren't listening. So getting out of Naboo, what happens?

You get shot to shit. You get shot to shit? Or you go straight to CrossFit? Well, am I getting shot to shit? That's not my choice. That's the universe, baby. Sort of do. But also.

He probably does. All right, you get shot to shit. Great. Oh, not good. I wanted to get to the Jedi planet. As you're going to the Jedi planet, there's that guy that I think was in Water Rats. He's like, hey, there's some damage piloting.

There's been some damage here. But there is a lovely planet. It's called Tatooine. It's a desert planet here. Maybe we make a little pit stop there. Cool. Great. I get out. Am I doing the pit stop where they

do the pit stop in The Phantom Menace? I assume yes. Anakin Town. You there. Anakin! I'm looking for a little boy named Anakin Skywalker full of bugs. I'm just going to guess you asked the first person you see maybe the dockmaster

of the equivalent he's Watto's boy but also, bad news for you everyone hates Jedi or doesn't think you're real well which one? well if they don't think I'm real then how can they know they don't think I'm real then

No no no, but they don't think you're real in the same way That like if you were walking down the street And someone said I'm a wizard You'd be like shut up Well that doesn't bother me, they can have whatever opinion they want about me Okay I'm gonna turn the other cheek like Christ Okay, alright

So I'm the first person you run into Hello good sir, my name's Seamus Jim. I'm looking for Anakin Skywalker. Who are you? You don't look like you were around here. I just said Seamus Jim. Where are you from? Originally.

I'm walking away. I'll find him. I'll try again. I'll be a new character, though. Hello, how are you doing? My name's Seamus Jim. Yuck. Alright, now I guess you've walked into a cantina. Hello sir, how can I help you today?

Hi, my name is Seamus Jim. I'm looking for Anakin Skywalker. Do you want a drink or not? No, I'm looking for Anakin. Alright, get out of my bar. Why'd I come in here? Guess what? Tatooine hates you. I wanted to listen to Jizz. That's why. Every single person on Tatooine is a cunt.

Yeah, it's true. I don't remember what Watto looks like. Right? Do you remember what he does? Yeah, I was about to say. Okay, what does Watto do? Sells trash. So he works at a...

Junkyard. Okay. Correct. How many junkyards are there in Tatooine i would assume a lot yeah it's probably well i'll wait till the pod race then because i know we'll be there right but no because anakin won't enter the pod race unless it's a way to get the pod race happens to ball the winds i'm meant to be a little boy here? Ben Quadranalis or whatever? He's a little boy on his planet.

Anakin? No. No, I'm Ben. Do you know where Anakin... Who? We don't know. You and we're in trouble. Oh, no.

Master Seamus, I see some kind of demon boy coming towards us in a black robe. Who the hell is that? Oh no! We didn't even get Anakin. I gotta tell him he's full of bugs. Ewan, letting you know, I do not know how to find the lightsaber. Darth Maul cuts me in half. There you are.

Just on the sand. Also, do you know who's not with you at this point? Whom? Ewan. Where did we leave him? He stays on the ship. Well, I wouldn't be having that. They say he'd come with you.

Where's that Queen Amidala come? She'd be coming as well. So everyone's coming. Everyone's coming. Jawas have taken your ship. Yeah. You should have left someone on that, ehadala come? She'd be coming as well. So everyone's coming. Jawas have taken your ship. Should've left someone on that, eh, you? Wait, wait, did you take

the water rat pilot? No, he can stay. I don't know him. He might have been captured by Jawas. Well, I think the thing is that they need to do repairs on the ship while they're waiting. Queen Armadala's not doing the repairs. Queen Armadala's getting massacred by Darth Maul, like me. Who the whole time is attacking me.

I'm like, who are you? I don't remember who you are in the movie. Do I know you? Does Seamus know who you are, I mean? What's happening? Off! Cut from noseose to mouth. Split up the middle like a banana.

And then I die in the sand. Okay. Did I shamelessly replace Qui-Gon Jim? So I guess, look, some great things that you've done is, I guess the Trade Federation maybe win. Although. The original Queen Amidalaala the actual queen amadala is probably taking prisoner because she's back on the boo maybe what you've done though is look maybe like did i not take the real no no padme is so what you might have done though is anakin Skywalker, who is alive on Tatooine, might see, say, the Queen Amidala slash the Handmaiden.

Yeah. And be like, wow, are you an angel? And maybe they just start a quiet life in Tatooine. So that's kind of neat. That's good. Except doesn't she get massacred by Darth Maul? Oh, well, she gets that. Yeah.

I thought she might have run away, but I guess. I don't know. Darth Maul seemed pretty ruthless. He looked like Satan, so, you know. He did look like Satan. Yeah, and the Jedi, I assume, were like, well, you know, that seems for the best. What's Ewan up to? Because Ewan might have saved you.

Yeah, that's true. No, because Ewan's not, Ewan's still a very fresh Padawan at this point. Yeah, he's a Padawan, baby. Because him killing Darth Maul is like a shock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's also got massacred. point. He's a part of one. Him killing Darth Maul is like a shock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's also got massacres. Which means no one raises Anakin, which means Star Wars doesn't happen. Star Wars doesn't happen

in the way that it's meant to. Leia's still alive, I guess. How is Leia alive, Jackson? Who's Leia's dad? Well, she could still be born. Who's Leia's mum? They haven't met. You've grandfathers parent exist, motherfucker.

So we get... Okay. Yeah. So let's follow the event of, I guess, the Phantom Menace from Anakin's perspective. Sure.

He's a slave of Watto. Stays a slave. Stays a slave of Watto. The pod race happens. He's like, damn, I wish I could enter that. Well,

he would have watched it and probably liked it, Who's that guy who's going up to every single contestant and asking them if they're me? He seems scary.

I might just stay here and continue. He seems unhinged and very confused. Would Watto have sold his mum to somebody? Yeah. The thing is, Anakin would have been killed at that point, probably.

I was like, would the mum still have been got by Sand Raiders? Probably. Yeah. Well, that's not my fault. I got confused. What happens to a Jedi, or, well, a Force-sensitive boy who's full of bugs in the wild? Or is he the son of Dark Lagos the Wise? Are they keeping a track on him?

Because now you have no Jedi interference. Is it a lot worse? Yeah, it's probably just fast-track to Vader because Palpatine probably doesn't need to pull any strings. You can just go pick him up. Yeah, Palpatine who's waiting for me to arrive with. Well, if there's Palpatine,

like, is it like a shock when they get out of corner? Is he like, Oh, all part of my plan. So if I like, don't arrive, I'm going to tell you about Darth Plagueis the wise.

He made a boy, maybe I killed him. But if Seamus McGillicuddy or whatever my name was, doesn't arrive back at the Jedi temple, is, is Palpatine going to be like, wait a second, where's that boy? Palpatine's also in Naboo so he might be king of Naboo in a bit like real easy. Basically the

events of Revenge of the Sith probably happen just faster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you end the trilogy without the movie in the middle but also the clones still exist, Jedi get massacred but they probably don't need to pretend, like Order 66 is probably from go to work. Anakin might be kicking it sweet in Tatooine for a bit. Yeah, but I think the Palpatine just got the Jedi to raise him

and then was just like, bad secrets. Oh, you're evil now. Basically, think about it. Did Palpatine know about him, though? Until he rocked up and he's like, fuck, that kid's full of bugs. He would have sensed him at some point. Surely. Especially probably when the sand people think. Probably when I turn up and I'm like, there's a kid on that kid's full of bugs. He would have sensed him at some point. Surely. Especially probably when the sand people think that.

Probably when I turn up and I'm like, there's a kid on Tatooine full of bugs. He's like, I should see what Quaggis Jim was talking about. Oh, hang on, no, because if you're fighting Darth Maul, screaming, I'm just here for Anakin, he's full of bugs. Darth Maul kills you, picks up Anakin. Darth Maul's like, what the fuck? Goes in there, ghosts this kid, what's going on? He's like, ah, blah, blah. He kills Watto. Darth Maul's like, what the fuck? Goes in there, goes to this kid, what's going on?

He's like, ah, blah, blah. He kills Watto. Watto's dead. The only thing that may prevent Star Wars happening, which apparently was your goal based on what you said before, is that if Darth Maul sees through Palpatine's plan, Darth Maul could kill Anakin. That's true.

Or Darth Maul raises Anakin. Yeah. Kills Palpatine. Maybe I've made a cooler movie It's a very comedic Farce for the first two thirds And the end is sick Yeah

You've definitely at least beefed up Darth Maul's role in the Phantom Menace Which is nice I have created a new genre of film And what's that? I don't have a name for it yet But it's where you watch a really annoying comedy

for the first two thirds, but then the protagonist is killed and you're like, thank God. And then you've got such a feeling of relief and the final third is really cool. Because like interesting things happen.

Yeah. Like imagine if two thirds through Paul Blart more cop, he died and the end was sick. That's a new genre of film. Not a sick. That's a new genre of film. It's not a genre. It's a new genre of film, J.J. Oh, my God.

Just because you keep saying it's a new genre of film over and over again doesn't mean it's true. Well, what's the hero's journey? It's a new hero's journey. It's a hero's journey. I've made a new one. I don't know what I'm calling it yet, but I've made a new one. A filmic structure, then. then anyway did i shamelessly replace

you literally caved the entire star wars saga in on itself so no no you didn't shamelessly replace him something kind of cool. A new genre of film. Oh, to quote you just before, a new filmic structure. A new filmic structure. A hero's journey where the end of the journey is death. It's not the hero's journey, but it's a structure like the hero's journey. The fool's death. Anyway, who could you shamelessly replace? Well, I think you've done a commendable job. I reckon I could shamelessly replace? Well, I think you've done a commendable job.

I reckon I could shamelessly replace Yoda in Empire Strikes Back. Well, you're just Seamus, then. Yeah. Because Yoda only has one knife. Yeah. So I'm just Seamus. Seamder. Hey, I'm Seamder.

First thing is, I'm not going to talk like a big idiot. I'm just going to be like, hey, whatever. Yeah, come see me. Yeah, I'm a swamp dickhead. What's going on? Could you train Luke, though? That's kind of the point. It's easy.

Yeah, stancy question. Yes, Yoda does train Luke. It's kind of a big deal. Yeah. I mean, hey, I know. I know we don't see it, but yes. Yes, Yoda does train Luke. What does he do specifically?

Because let's see if Zama could replicate this. Okay, so first thing that happens, Luke crashes on Dagobah. Ah, shit. My backyard. Okay. So then you come out. Do you look like you? Yeah.

He's in a robe. He's like, oh, I thought, Yoda's robe? It's very tight. Tiny little robe, penis out. Because Luke's whole thing Is at first Is like Who the fuck are you

You annoying little swamp rat Yeah I'm looking for Master Yoda You probably don't know him You piece of shit And he's like You're like I'm Master Shaman

No I do not Do you mean Master Shamus I might have done Perfect Anyway so He crash lands on a thing He's like Ah I'm here to fucking find

shame it shame it cool well first off i'd get out like a sweet like swamp diary and get my lightsaber and light it a little lightsaber something yoda doesn't have yes but if i was luke i'd be like that checks out this guy's the guy i don't know that's what i mean like he's i think when he sees you he's gonna be like oh this guy's the guy because you're a guy in a swamp. What I really like is that because Zammett, it's not like the film, it's like Zammett and Yoda swapped at some point, which means that it's become really apparent to Luke that this is not Zammett's house.

Because it's tiny. When Zammett is in the bed with his legs hanging over the end and Luke's like, are you sure this is your house? You can't stand up in it. Yeah, I like it like that. It's good like that. It's good for my posture. It seems like you're cramping a lot. The bed in fact probably only fits half

of you. Yeah, I like having my top half in bed and then my belly resting on the floor and my legs kicking. That's probably good for me. Kick open the fridge. This is why I moved to the swamp. And my legs in the kitchen. They're not good for me. Kick open the fridge. This is why I moved to the swamp.

I didn't like all this judgment, Luke. I want to live how I live. All right. Luke lands, and unlike Yoda, he realizes pretty much immediately that you must be the Jedi. Watch you go. Well, what do you need? You need to be trained, yeah? It's very simple.

You've got the force in you. You've just got to keep just fucking and keep at it. Just keep doing what you're doing. We're going to do some exercises. I'm going to do some squats. Okay. Good core. That's important.

I think you're going to accidentally train Luke physically. Yeah, I will train him physically because I'm just going to be like, a healthy body is a healthy mind. It's good to imagine Luke coming back and he's like, well, I'm no better at the force, but I'm fucking yoked. Maybe I could just suplex Palpatine. So I'm going to train him like that, do some jogs, send him on some errands, and then be like, okay, now we're going to lift shit with our mind.

All right, try lifting that rock. Get him starting small. Okay, so you've not trained him in the force at all, so he just... I thought you were starting with the X-wing. I'm sorry. No, we're not starting with the X-Wing. That's crazy. It's good to imagine you being like, all right, get the X-Wing out.

And you just strap like ropes to his back. And he's going to physically pull it out. First off, we spend a good, maybe a six week program of getting him jacked. Okay, great. Yolked Luke. Good. I got some terrible news. Okay.

Well, not terrible. Great news. Yeah. Potentially good news. Luke's not leaving Dagobah. Okay. Well, not terrible. Great news. Yeah, potentially good news. Yeah, Luke's not leaving Dagobah. Okay, why not? Ever. Sick.

Unless someone brings him a new ship because you've just left the X-Wing underwater for six weeks. Yeah. How long's Luke there in the movie? Well, the X-Wing comes out immediately in the movie. Yoda lifts it out. Oh, I like that. Well, do I have to-

No, no, no, it's fine. The X-Wing's fucked. Do I have to lift it or can I- He can lift it out. Oh, I like that. No, no, no, it's fine. The X-Wing's fucked. Do I have to lift it or can I, he can lift it later. Wait a minute. No, fucking in like one of the other films, the X-Wing's underwater for like a billion years. He lifts it out and he hops in, legally split us off the planet.

When? Be a bit damned. And one of the, Ray does it. Is that the, oh, Ray does get the X-wing out. Fuck you, I'm right. Although that is normal ocean and not a swamp, but all right. I think I'm being like, yeah, Luke flies it. I'm like, no, that was a projection.

I know it was a projection, but Ray, and it's been there for like 40 fucking years or something. And she hops in and it fucking works straight away. It won't smell good, but... There might be some swamp eels living in it, but it'll run. And maybe like a... Hopefully some birds make a nest out of it. Plus, Zamet does have the force,

because I have the force. You could just lift it out. I was just trying to do the same thing that we did with you, which was like he forgot something. Well, I have. It's six weeks. Yeah, it's not going to be great. It's going to do the same thing that we did with you, which was like he forgot something. I'm like, ugh. Well, I have. It's six weeks. Yeah, it's not going to be great. It's going to smell like a swamp.

He's not going to be happy when he leaves. But, yeah, six-week program, I'm a healthy body. Get him real fucking jacked. Yeah, yeah. And then we start. Muscle Luke. And then maybe we take, we'll do like a five-day kind of thing where it's like mostly he's going to be working on his body.

And one day a week, we're going to be focusing on the mind. What's that going to look like? What's that going to look like? Well, it's going to be working on like his body and one day a week we're going to be focusing on the mind what's that going to look like what's that going to be lift this rock up with your mind and i'm going to show him how to do it and i'm like repeat after me a lot of like basically i do this you do that go on mirror neurons is it how does how does yoda train luke like how how the big thing is the cave oh yeah the cave oh, the cave. Oh, fuck, the cave. All right. So there's a lot of six weeks. And it's also a lot of Luke's training comes from, like, the fact that Yoda is so powerful but looks like a sack of shit and acts like a clown. Yeah.

And Luke's whole thing is, like, do not judge. Like, it doesn't matter what people look like. Well, I'm going to be looking like I'm incompetent. But he's like, well, he's powerful, maybe. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I guess when you're like, oh, shit, the cave. Plus we can joust a bit. Yeah.

I've got a lightsaber. That's cool. Okay. Dangerous. Yeah, it feels like you might, you know. Someone might lose a hand early. Yeah. But that's okay.

But this time it could be you. If Luke loses a hand early, that means when he's going to lose a hand later, there's no space. Yeah, there's nothing exactly. All you do is just jam in the lightsaber where your hand used to be. It'll be good. Okay.

Go in that cave. It's going to be fun. He goes in the cave. He sees Darth Vader. I don't remember what happened. He faces down with Darth Vader. He sees himself, but Darth Vader. Do I know he's Darth Vader's kid?

I knew I had to look for Anakin. But also Yoda knows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Tell him that straight away. I like when he gets, yeah. I'll tell him that straight away. I like when he gets back to it. Okay. Maybe not straight away. Out of all the questionable things you've done, that one is a big one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

What's going to happen after he's seen his, like, him dad in the cave? When he sees his him dad, yes. And then I'm going to be like, right, what did you see? You saw Vader. I saw my him dad. Yeah, you saw you, but your dad. Wow, I saw hymn dad, yes. And then I'm going to be like, right, what would you say? You saw your Vader. I saw my hymn dad. Yeah, you saw you, but your dad. Wow, I saw my hymn dad in there.

I mean, you as your Vader. Okay, look, cat's out of the bag. He's your daddy. So sorry. Also, you've got a twin sister. Leia, don't make out with her. You're going to feel like you want to. Don't.

It's already happened. It's too late. What? What? Oh, no. Did you fuck her? Oh, Luke, tell me you didn't fuck her. Did you fuck her? What? No, you fuck her? Luke tell me you didn't fuck her Did you fuck her?

No we kissed once On the cheek yeah It was a sort of mouth kiss Was it tongue? In the French style No I can't remember It's hard to tell because it all happens in the mouth

Yeah but like you can usually tell if you look at the people Can you like I don't know say some Hail Marys or something? Repent. You need to repent. It's a Catholic thing. You've got to understand that this is probably a lot for him. And I think. It's a lot for me.

I'm talking to a sister kisser. I like that you've chosen to know that his dad's Darth Vader, but not that this happened. Oh, yeah, no, because you, okay, you rushed into it thinking that you were going to prevent it but no, it happened. It already happened. I was too late. I was too late.

Also, you've probably just pushed Luke to the dark side. Yeah, well good, get the fuck out of my swamp you goddamn incestual shit. Fuck off. Wait, is he showing remorse for kissing his sister? He doesn't seem like he's remorseful. I think he doesn't think it's a big deal. It should be.

He probably just doesn't think about it. It's good to imagine, though, as he's leaving. He's pushing it down. It's not good. It's going to come up in ways later down. You've got to let it out, Luke. Have a cry, Luke. Have a cry, Luke.

It's not good. You can't keep those emotions in check. Let it out. Feel your emotions. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Passion passion luke that's what's important you gotta feel alive luke you gotta stop stifling it down you gotta feel something so what be in touch with who you are a good thing that is well yeah it's the movie for you from your perspective luke flies away in the X-Wing and then sometime later comes back with his dad and

they kill you why are you killing me why you're the most powerful Vader wants you dead why you want me dead also Luke probably he's gonna blame you for a lot of this now why me because you trained Glygon and you knew about Luke and you didn't tell him until it was too late yeah so really yeah you fucked it and now you're dead wait well hang on though can I force myself to be dead like Yoda that happens later I mean I can try yeah I will though he's as he zooms away I'm like I don't want to be part of this world anymore lie in your bed one night like half asleep and then you're like oh no they're gonna come back and kill me oh shit dead from all day that's what he does anyway he lies he lies

there in his swamp and he's like oh none of this i mean he turns into a jacket it's great he's definitely sick and dying at that point it's also great to imagine like a death stick habit for uh look to be honest i might be like dead long before you come there. When it comes to Dagobah, there's a skeleton. Just a little grave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really good, though, that when you jumped into the realm of Star Wars, you're like, I'm going to start smoking again. It's good, maybe. You know what?

While I'm Seamus, I'm going to take a bath. Seamus is a smoker. Yeah. I think in my mind Seamus is a smoker. It feels good for his character. Yeah, so I'm going to lay in my bed, belly on the floor, legs in the kitchen, and turn into a very tiny jacket

before they come back and kill me. That's good as well, because then... You prevented death with death. Clever. But I like that the only Jedi that knows you weren't really Yoda is Luke, because the jacket was Yoda's jacket. So he comes back and he's like...

Wait, wait, wait, I'm Seamus. I might be fine. He's like, Dad, there's this fucking piece of shit living on a swamp. Seamus. You're forgetting about the force again. The same way the Palpatine would find Anakin. Yeah, they'll find you. You'll just have to die the moment you land on the planet.

Yeah, I don't have a ship, do I? No. Fuck. Well, either way, I'm happy knowing that I've sent Luke on his way, better in touch with his emotion as a more emotionally mature man, having to deal with the fact that he made out with his sister and his dad, some kind of space evil lord. Anyway, I'm dead.

How'd I go? So Return of the Jedi is now probably called Two Siths. Yeah, yeah. Star Wars Two Siths. Yeah. Great. Yeah, yeah. Star Wars, two Siths.

Yeah. Great. Leia is probably fills the role of Luke, I guess. Okay. Because there is another. Ah, fuck. Ewan comes to me. What'd you do that for?

What the fuck? You're not Yoda. I'm Seamus. My master is Seamus. God damn, Seamus. I remember Seamus. God damn Seamus. Yeah, Seamus is the reason So you cop an earful before you die from Ewan. I cop an earful as

I'm a ghost, mate. I'm already dead. I can't get away from this. He's like, ah, fuck. Oh, what now, Ewan? Did you rob Yoda of an honourable dress? There is another, I guess, still happens, yeah. What do you mean another?

Oh, yeah, no, he knows about that. Why? I mean, Yoda knew it, but you... But Luke knows about it. Oh, yeah, you tell him. Yeah, Luke does know about it now. So what do you want? What are we now?

Okay, what's the plan now, Ewan? Well, it's now, End of Salvos will be a sisters versus brothers thing as Leia goes up against Luke. Han Solo fucks off. Yeah. No, he doesn't.

He stays carbonite. He's carbonite for good, baby. Yeah, yeah. So Jabba's chill about it. Leia's got bigger fish to fry than sorting out that carbonite. I mean, Luke also

doesn't roll in. Do they team up and kill Palpatine? No, because Luke is a bad guy now. Yeah. I mean, Luke also doesn't roll in. Do they team up and kill Palpatine? No, because Luke is a bad guy now. Yeah, I know, but I thought they might want to, like, kill... No, Palpatine's like, rule with me. He's like, no. No. Nice try.

No. But I mean... So what's going to happen is they probably kill Leia. Yeah. So I feel- Because she is a stronger will than your version of Luke. Yeah. And like she's been-

He's very passionate though now. Yes. Yeah, passionate about the dark side. All emotions. He's feeling a lot. He's got a lot going on. Also, and you've probably given him shame about what's happened, which means he probably-

I have. Good. Yes, yes. Probably wants given him shame about what's happened. I have. Good. He probably wants to kill. Because honestly, I've seen the later films, and he does not seem that shameful. Yeah, that's true. And he should. Yeah.

I mean, he... I will say, though, Zammett... He avoids his sister in the sequels entirely. Let's not forget that. But Zammett shamelessly inserted himself much better than I did. Okay? No, you both did the same thing. I got an F.

Hey, hey, hey, he got a D. I feel I've maybe invented some kind of cool new filmatic device. Yes, where the first two thirds a bumbling idiot tries to train a man and then guilts him into becoming

evil. You're forgetting that your section of the movie is only 15 minutes. So it's still the same movie. It's just that the hero's journey turns to he becomes a villain, which I think is already a thing. You've just given him the, it's just Anakin again. If anything, everyone boos you. Cause like we just saw this in the prequels.

Bring back Jackson's film structure. That was new. Anyway, you've talked a lot. How are you going to. All right. So we've spoken about the Jedi. I'm you've talked a lot. How are you going to be shameless? So we've spoken about the Jedi. I'm going to become a shim. And that's going to be Luke Shim Walker.

But in The Last Jedi. Oh, okay. Last Jedi Luke Shameless Walker. Shim Walker. Luke Shim Walker. How are you shimlessly replacing him? Is it shim because he misses his mum? No, it's shim because shim's short for shameless. Wasn't it shme? Yeah, her name is shme, yes. I miss shim because he misses his mom so no shim because shim sure for shim is me yeah her name is shim yes i mean it's shim skywalker wait what's palpatine's real name

that's what he wants to do with his lightsaber yeah yeah yeah okay so ray arrives on she's like here's your lightsaber i I'm like, okay. I don't throw it away, but I also don't do much better. Do you train her? And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, did you know we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take D&D's for Nerds, an actual play Dungeons & Dragons podcast that I'm mostly on. Never played D&D in your life?

Don't worry, up until we started, I hadn't either. Meticulously edited by yours truly, so you don't have to hear all the faff and math that interrupts a good fantasy story. Each campaign is standalone, and while veteran listeners will pick up characters, events, and places across the seasons, new listeners can start at any adventure.

Just search for dnds for nerds on itunes or spotify or head to our website sanspantsradio.com again similar to how see this is the thing luke doesn't really i mean he does but only eventually she trains herself yeah through him just being like this is my day yeah look you can please stop following how much titty milk you suck and yeah yeah that is good that's the best that's the best part of my day yeah i'm right it's good to imagine that you do train about everything you put in the context of sucking titty milk from the cow in a way the force is like this cow's titty milk and i'm like all the Jedi. Observe.

You think there's a limited amount of force, but it just keeps coming back day after day, baby. I guess I also probably feel the same shame that Luke felt, but a different shame to the shame that Zamet tried to show Luke to feel. So you're fine with kissing your sister? No, it's not what we...

Wait, is your shame from sucking the cow? No, my shame is from the same shame that Luke had shame from. Why do you have that? You're Joel Douche. No, because it's still the same thing happening. It's Luke Shim. I'm Luke Shim. Also, hey, do you get to talk to your ghost like Luke talks to his ghost?

Sure. Because you're getting like shamers and shamers over your shoulders. No, that is not how this happened. Everyone got put in. Oh, wait, no, Ewan remembered Seamus. Yeah, I guess once it goes to the two shims. Two Seamuses. Yes, Seamuses.

Yeah, that's us. We're the Seamuses. What happened to that little boy? Oh, hey, Seamus, I trained you bad. What happened to Ben Quadronellis? Was he that Jedi? How is he doing these days? Well, I guess I'd probably to bed. I'm going to bed in Quadronellas. Was he that Jedi? How is he doing these days? Well, I guess I'd probably do it.

I guess I'd... So Bob would, like, become a world, like, a little galactic champion. He already was. Oh, sick. Good on him. But he did it from cheating. Yeah. Yeah.

So basically, the same thing still happens. Yeah. A lot of Star Wars has continued to happen despite our best attempts, and that's impressive. So we're here being like, who's this lady? She's got how many bugs? She's got heaps of bugs. We don't talk about bugs that much anymore, though.

And look, I'm just going to tell her the truth. Hey, yeah, being a Jedi, I made some terrible decisions. I don't really want to train again. Last time I trained someone, they got dead. Okay. Well, that's disappointing, but thank you for your time. And she goes. I wave.

Sick, back to the island. Back to eating porgs and milk. Yep. Yep. Okay. You're not there to save the day at the end on the salt planet, presumably. You're not going to project there? You're just going to be like, she's got this. It's good if you do project, but you're just there to save the day at the end on the salt planet you're not gonna project there you guys gonna be like she's got this it's good if you do project but you're just sucking the

titty I'd probably project into I would just project to because I have the force power you do I just project to Kylo Ren and being like hey fuckhead relax so he attacks you he realizes you're not real he's like oh well never mind and then I'll be like no no no if you turn around I'm over here and then I project somewhere else so you're Bugs Bunny

so you're annoying him further yeah yeah I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque or whatever also let's not forget that Luke delays in The Last Jedi, but Rey is the one who saves the day, and I've sent Rey there faster, which means that that's probably fine

because she's on the other side of the rocks, remember, and then she moves the rocks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that probably just happens earlier. So is she moving the rocks before they even get there? Well, no, she'd probably still... She'd move the rocks, I guess. How early is, like, too early?

Yeah, she writes on the soft planet, and she's like, yeah, he did she'd probably still, she'd move the rocks. How early? It's like too early. She writes on the soft planet. She's like, yeah, he did not want to help. So we're going to think of something else. I'll help, but like just not. He's too busy sucking like sea titty milk. Then he's just like, he's got some like, I guess, survivor's guilt or something. He's like, I don't know.

You mentioned something about last person he trained died. Who was that? We just need to think of a different solution. That's very funny then when you turn up at the end and she's like, I thought you, what? He's the guy that I meant by killed. I mean, he killed all my students because I tried to kill him. This is not the time to be explaining.

Why you ask the question? You could have explained that last time. You said it was like last time you trained someone, they died. You kind of implied it was a singular. I don't know. It was weird. Yeah, well, it's not that weird because it's from a certain perspective. Anyway, Kylo's behind you.

Oops, dammit. Just kidding. I'm a vision. Oh, now I'm over here. Yeah, that's what you wanted. You wanted him to shake his fist at you in frustration well you've not really done much yeah i mean i wouldn't call it to see like you've seamlessly replaced him by making so little difference on the universe yeah but you've done less yeah

little difference is maybe all i needed yeah look you did suck a lot of sea titty milk. I probably got sea lactose intolerant from too much sea titty milk. Yeah. I'm a big fan of that. Yeah. So turning up on the salt flat, sick to your guts. Yeah. Hold on a second.

Okay. So, yeah. So you are delaying Kylo because you're having a chat with him. Yeah. I think the only difference is that Rey doesn't mourn your death. Yeah. Or do you die afterwards? Yeah, yeah.

I'm still projecting. I probably just die from shitting my pants. Dysentery. Do you have a nice chat with your sister? Yeah. You're like, I don't know you. I'm really jeldu. I think we made out once. It was weird. It don't know you. I'm really Joel Dushart.

I think we made out once. It was weird. It shouldn't have happened. I'm so sorry. Have the shame. You should have had the shame. Seamus as a ghost is still mad. How are you not feeling shame? How old am I as a ghost? How long has it been? It was a thing when we didn't know and then we were like, oh y Yuck And then didn't do it again

No you didn't No one said oh yuck Everyone just ignored it You might have said Oh yuck off screen I hope you did Maybe he's a space therapist I don't know

He should have Yeah It's unclear It's not addressed in the text It's fine But you wouldn't say anything to Leia Because you have no Emotional responsibility to her.

She's going to be like, you couldn't show up in person? I'm like, no, I'm actually shitting my guts out. What difference does it make to her? I don't know. Yeah, you join the two other Seamus's in the sky. We become the three Seamus's. Yeah, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Seamus was.

Finally, we're getting a bit of Christianity to this Star Wars. Okay, so we got an F from Jackson, a D. See, a D implies that Zammett passed, and I don't think he did. Hey, I made a very jacked evil Skywalker. That's pretty cool. Well, I guess if that happens, then when Rey comes to my planet and I'm here, I just kill her. Working out.

Just curling that sea cow. I guess Man of Steel? She fights me, I break her neck. Now you have an F too. Well, that's because I was trained wrong. No, but in my because I was trained wrong. But in my version,

the same. Basically, it's an F, a D, and you got like a pass and no notes on your work. I got a C minus and no notes, no corrections. I'm like, I don't know how to improve. If you have like a parent teacher interview,

the teacher's going to be like coasting. He's just coasting by. I know he has the potential to be be like coasting. Yes, he's just coasting by. I know he has the potential to be better, but I just feel like he just doesn't want to access that. As someone who got that a lot, this is fine. And on that note, I've been Seamus. I've been Seamus. And I've also been Seamus.

Star Wars, it's easy. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to SandspansRadio.com and consider joining the Sandspans Plus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a Sandspans Plus Discord, exclusive video content, and discounts on merch. Just head to sandspansradio.com and follow the links.