Plumbing the Death Star - Which Lesson Would You Impart on a Young Spider-Man?

Episode Date: May 26, 2019

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SANS PANTS RADIO HANGED LIKE A HORSE a series of massive pits around my property. If you'd like to witness this, and I imagine you would, then head to twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio where me and Zoe stream The Sims 4 every Sunday at 7pm Australian time. Once again, that's twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio every Sunday from 7pm. Hello everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like which lesson would you impart onto a young Spider-Man?

So we're Uncle Ben in this situation, right? Our son, he's becoming a wrestler. Nephew, my God, we don't know why, but we're picking him up from wrestling. I may be misremembering. Yeah,

we've gone to pick him up from wrestling. We've gone to pick him up from a school, but he'd been a secret wrestler. Ah, that's right. And then we see a man doing a crime and we're like, stop him. But then he shoot us.

And then our younger nephew, he here. And we're like, ah, good nephew, Spud. I mean, shoot us. And then our younger nephew, he here. And we're like, ah, good nephew, Spider-Man. I mean, Peter Parker. Let me give you a piece of advice. I'm Italian now. I hope that's your advice.

I'm Italian now. Your Uncle Ben, he become Italian. He shot in the heart in the right way. Make him an Italy man. He become Italy spy. What? Uncle Ben? Mamma mia

With a big moustache As Peter Parker holds us dying In his arms We give him one piece of wisdom Now for a long time The only advice I would ever give someone Is almost like a gag Because I remember just seeing this

Written on like a poster at Macca's Which I think is A Gretzky quote, which is you always miss 100% of the shots you don't take. And I feel that is literally the only thing I could think of in that moment because I'm like, oh, God, I'm dying. I've got to give some advice to this young boy. Oh, shit. What do I remember? Oh, that Macca's poster

For some reason, I know you've told this quote I love giving it second hand Because it adds another layer To being like, as Zamit often says Once reading a book But I always picture you taking a shit It's like a poster on the inside Of the stall

So it's very funny to imagine you you is uncle ben flashing back to that moment something to be like oh he's missing that's a good one yeah peter you always miss 100 of the shots you don't take okay so i die how does that relate to spite how is peter parker gonna all right well the quote is for those who don't know, it's with great power comes great responsibility. And that is now with Peter Parker. He's like, oh, yes, cool. Now I have this burden of responsibility. So he tries and goes and be the good guy.

That's a weird thing to say in your dying breath. He always said it. It was a classic Uncle Ben quote. Yeah, Uncle Ben would always say it no matter what. Peter, wake up! With great power comes great responsibility. Get your ass to school. You dumb fuck. Yeah, Uncle Ben would always say it no matter what. Peter, wake up! Good morning! Get your ass to school! You dumb fuck!

How about you learn a fucking lesson for once and then maybe you'll have some great power comes great responsibility. Hope I don't die picking you up from wrestling practice. Yeah, Peter Parker, don't bully the bully by doing sweet dunks, Peter. Anyway, see you at breakfast So Peter took that to mean

Because I have Spider-Man powers I have a duty or responsibility To protect the people of New York So 100% of the shots you don't take You always miss So that means What shot is he currently taking? Well I guess that means

That he's going to attempt to fight all crime No He's going to stay a wrestler Yeah absolutely Because that's the shot he currently taking? Well, I guess that means that he's going to attempt to fight all crime. No, he's going to stay a wrestler. Yeah, absolutely. Because that's the shot he's taking. He's like, you're right, Uncle Ben. You've never been more right. Time to join the league.

He just marched, leaving Uncle Ben to die in the snow, turned around and marched us right back in. Give me a rematch. Put me in there with Bonesaw again. This time I'll just do what I was meant to do and not knock him out or whatever. Yeah. Or he might

take up hockey. Hard to say. Well, okay. All we gotta do is we gotta figure out what is Peter Parker in the Spider-Man canon not doing because he's a coward. Yeah. So the first thing he does, he calls MJ. Hey. Hey! Girlfriend? Question mark? You can always imagine

Uncle Ben being like, if Peter's a bit nervous about something, he's like, I want to join the debate. He's like, well, you're always going to miss a shot you don't take, so you might as well do it. God, what a wiener Peter Parker who's nervous about joining the debate team. He's such a wiener boy. Oh my god. He's such a wiener boy.

The first thing Peter Parker then does is go up to Flash Thompson and punch him in the face. Yeah. No, no, no. This is Peter Parker. We're talking about punch him in the nuts. Always miss 100% of the shots you don't take. And he's got spider powers, so he literally punches Flash

Thompson out of his mouth. Impotent. Just no spine. Enjoy impotent just no spine enjoy impotence becomes his new catchphrase hey green goblin what enjoy impotence I would be so fucking scared what's this spider

kid gonna do to me I'd be thankful when he just punched me in the balls but he would just shatter your pelvis. Yeah, but that phrase enjoy impotence it's so mysterious. It could mean so many different things.

Does he have a ray? If you have like a ray gun that you then shoot and you just say enjoy impotence it would stop you. I would be so scared. What did you do? What do you know, Peter Parker?

Okay, so calls MJ. Yeah. Is like, let's date. Let's do this. Let's go out for a date. And MJ's into him, right? Like, she'd be down for it. Depends how we ask.

At this point, it might be Gwen Stacy, though. Oh, yeah, true. Gwen. It'd be Gwen. Also depends how we ask. If he asks in a way where she's like, he's just like, hey, want to go on a date

with me? Because I've got to take 100% of the shots. Or if he's still like the nerdy Peter Parker. I think you have that boost of self-confidence mixed with grief of a father dying. Hey! Gwen Stacy, do you wanna go on a date? Sorry, my uncle

just died. But I'm full of confidence and sadness. Yeah, look, maybe I don't think he might straight away. I feel right now he might have some bigger things to deal with. He's gotta take 100% of the shots. He doesn't want to miss a shot.

Well, that thing is, he might be too, like, with grief and that kind of stuff, and he might be having a shit one. But then when Gwen Stacy does come to the funeral, he might be like, fuck builded with grief and that kind of stuff and he might be having a shit one but then when gwen stacy does come to the funeral he might be like fuck it asking gwen stacy out at the funeral of my uncle is the best move ask her out in a eulogy like when you're talking be like hey also while i'm here oh yeah yeah you know those in those like um like those high school films where like um the nerdy boy or the person is a little bit downtrodden depressed and gets all like whatever sad but then in like the high school uh valedictorian speech has this big massive thing

maybe it's a confession of love and maybe something like that that but in a eulogy yeah that's absolutely what's happening so yeah i feel like we're making a more socially inept peter hey also but a more confident one so so peter Parker comes outside to Uncle Ben, shot. Yeah. Uncle Ben is like, you always miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I would think that was Uncle Ben being like, kill my killer. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

I'd be like, I guess I gotta kill the guy that killed Uncle Ben. Well, that's also like a thing that it kind of, it's kind of just like, you miss 100%, yeah, yeah. I would run after the, well, I guess Peter Parker doesn't know where he went. But, I mean, thankfully Peter Parker doesn't know where he went. But, I mean, thankfully, Peter Parker goes and kills him anyway, or he tries to. So, I guess that stays the same. Spider-Man killed that piece of shit, Mom. I mean, Arnie.

I'm confused again. Okay, I don't know why he did that. That's sad. What? What a great film. So, Peter Parker admits love for Gwen Stacy in the eulogy for his grandpa's funeral. Uncle. Is she... It's in the fucking name.

We're all bad at it for some reason. No, I'm not fucked it up. Uncle Ben. Yeah, his dad. Yeah, just be lucky that I've not called Gwen Stacy Gwen Stefani. I've nearly done every single time I've not called Gwen Stacy Gwen Stefani. I've nearly done every single time I've said it. I'm with you, man.

Yeah. No, so do we think Gwen Stacy is the kind of person that is going to be like, wow, he professes love in a eulogy? Or is she going to be like, no, thank you, Peter Parker, you weirdo. I don't know. I think maybe because she's keen. Yeah, okay. Also, with a lot of Peter's opportunities that arise, he often says no. Yeah. Like, for example, it's like, hey, working at Oscorp or whatever.

And he's usually like, well, no, because you guys have like... He's like, oh, no, because you're more villainy. Yeah, true. I have a responsibility to stop that. But he's like, no, I need to take that shot because maybe I can either do good or just succeed from the inside. Does this become a Peter Parker that uses lethal force? I would say so, yes. I feel like, yeah, right?

Like, that's the kind of lesson I would take there. Not necessarily. I reckon on the second time, yes. I reckon if he's arresting someone twice. Yeah, because he's like, because I missed a shot, you know? Yeah. I've got to take that shot. Boom.

Instead of webs, it's bullets. Yeah, I was going to say, because he doesn't have organic web shooters. No. So he's making bullet wrists. He's a very different Peter Parker. Always mis-hunting on the shots. He's like, yeah, guns. Shots, guns, shoot bullets.

Okay. For some reason, I like the idea that this Uncle Ben was more of a Gretzky fan. Yeah, okay. So it kind of made Peter Parker do more, like, hockey, ice hockey-based activities. So I'm hoping rather than joining, like, an underground wrestling rink, you make an underground ice hockey rink. Maybe his mask will be a goalkeeper's mask.

Yeah, and he has a big stick. I really like about this Uncle Ben quote is that it's not an Uncle Ben quote. I know. Like, imagine Peter Parker doesn't know it's Wayne Gretzky, and then later on he finds it out and he's like, well, because if he knows it's Wayne Gretzky... That wasn't my uncle's homes an Uncle Ben. I know. Imagine Peter Parker doesn't know it's Wayne Gretzky. Then later on he finds it out and he's like, oh. Well, because if he knows it's my uncle's homespun wisdom. Or because, again, like myself, where I use it as almost like a gag to be like,

I know he was kind of being a gag around it. Is it a joke? Is my Uncle Ben a piece of shit? Is he? So let's say Spider-Man outfit now is hockey mask, bullet wrists. He's kind of cool. How about this? Hockey mask, jersey, and like just a stick, but like a lot of pucks.

Yeah. Puck at people. You've just made Casey Jones. I have made Casey Jones and it rules. Casey Jones that can walk on walls. That's true. You can walk on walls That's true You can walk on walls in ice skating boots You can just skate up

Cool Shout out to accidentally making a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Friend? Does he start it? I don't know their relationship A young Sam Rockwell Plays him in the first animated... No, the first live-action film.

Yeah, because I know that they're, like, friends towards... Like, I knew that they became friends, but I wasn't sure if he started as, like, a villain. He was like, I hate turtles! I thought they went, like, around, like, he's like, I hate turtles. I love turtles. I hate them again. Nah, he was always their friend, I think.

Maybe there might have been a bit of miscommunication. It's been with Augie Stick. You can't fault that. That's pretty sick. All right. So what other opportunities or other things that Peter Parker shies away from? What about the classic Peter Parker situation? Gwen Stacy is dangling from one. Oh, no.

Maybe it's MJ. In the first Spider-Man movie, MJ, he can either save MJ or he can save a cable car full of children. How does he use his philosophy to solve that conundrum? He tried to do both. He tried to do both. And fail at both. But he took the shot, though.

That's true. Because he'd be like Look Would you rather that I went out And I saved Say All the people in the cab car But MJ died Or I saved MJ

The cab car died This way I tried to do both And yes I did fail But I I wanted no one to die Everyone died

But I tried That's great This Spider-Man sucks Because every time he fails He's like I tried I tried Took the shot Took the shot We don tried. I tried. Took the shot.

Took the shot. We don't care. People are dead. Took the shot. Yeah, but what's that any different? You always miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and I took both shots. Yeah, exactly. But how's that any different?

So you prefer Peter to when he fucks up and people dive, just mope? Well, he's got to apologize. Spider-Man isn't like- It's not his fault that they're there. Spider-Man's got to be like, I'm sorry I didn't- It's his fault Mary Jane's there I'm sorry I didn't save your children Not like

Well I took the shot Well that's the thing He doesn't need to make a press statement about it No I was just talking about apologising to the family He could have It's not his fault I wouldn't expect Look

So Peter Parker What do you want from your superheroes? If Batman was fucking prancing around and the Joker shot my dad, I wouldn't want Batman knocking on my door being like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your dad died. Imagine you're watching from the bridge as the cable car full of children, one of which is your child, and a woman you've never met is dangling there.

And you're like, oh, well, obviously he'll save my child. And then he goes down the middle to try and save both. You're like, what? Down the middle? That's just incompetency. I don't mean physically in the centre. He doesn't just run in the middle and bypass the door. He tries to save...

Spider-Man's an idiot. He's clearly been horse-trucked. He tries to save both and then both die. I would be like, excuse me, Spider-Man, what the fuck? And then I would like him to be like, yeah, my bad. That's not unreasonable. Okay, so for example... Don't want to quit

my bad but like it's not Spiderman's fault for those people I know I would want an apology by the green goblin but I know I'm not getting that and it's also Spiderman's fault for not saving my children and instead trying to save

both there's just a clear answer here that's all i mean it's just like if you're a cop in that situation you do your best to try and make everyone win and then things fuck up i'm like that cop should lose his badge yeah but imagine there's a cop right and there's a hostage that has a bomb and there's a hostage that has a gun to a woman's head and instead of trying to stop the one with a bomb, because you have seconds on the clock, you try to stop both, and both fail, and then both go off. That's on that car! This is just the cable car thing, and you are just trying to apply your philosophy to it,

which is whatever, don't touch it, and whatever happens makes sense. No, I'm saying save the kids! Don't save MJ! Let her die! You're saying press the button to kill MJ. Always pull the lever! Let one person die so that many may live. That's the most reasonable

answer. I agree with you, but Spider-Man is a crafty boy. He might be able to save both. But he didn't! Well, in your scenario, he didn't. Hooray, Spider-man pride tries and he's what if okay the cable car dilemma there's an option that you can like blow up the cable car but it splits in two and kills both what the k okay the tracks divides yeah there's a cable car going towards one you can change the track it kills one person whatever what if there's a third button that

blows up the cable car, which could, you think, might stop it, but in a terrible tragedy results in the cable car splitting in two and going down both sides of the track? Don't take the risk. Just kill one person. That is a risk still! No, it's not. You know the consequences. One person will die.

But you don't know. Again, look. No, no, no, because killing one person is a risk. Yeah. You're no Because killing one person Is a risk Yeah You're killing someone It's not a risk It's a No it's a

It's a But there might be like Look if I can do something risky Then there is like Maybe a 30% chance That both groups survive I'd still be mad at Spider-Man Well look

You're holding Spider-Man Up to like The fucking Ubermensch here The Ubermensch Anyway look We're not gonna solve The cable car problem here It's alright

Because Spider-Man You're to be a Spider-Man villain and he'll just arrest you, so it's fine. What did I do? I like that our Spider-Man's a cop and this is good. Well, that ties into mine, but we'll get to that later. Anyway, yes. So look, yes. What would an apology do anyway?

It would make me feel better because my kid's dead. I don't know if you know this, Dushan, but my child drowned because of Spider-Man's incompetence. So it would just be sweet if Spider-Man could come to me and be like, I'm so sorry that happened, Jackson. I suppose you listened to the fucking Daily Bugle propaganda blaming Spider-Man. But it was the Green Goblin who put these people in this situation

to begin with. Yeah, but Spider-Man, but it was the Green Goblin who put these people in this situation to begin with. Yeah, but Spider-Man tried to save both. I'd obviously also be furious if he saved Mary Jane and not my kids. I'd be like, what is wrong with you? What if it was your kid, and then it was, like, say, Mary Jane and a couple of people in a car? What if Mary Jane was your kid and the other kids were your kids? Then save Mary Jane.

Shut up. Shut up. You're a piece of shit. I'm just honest. I hope Spider-Man kills you. I hope Spider-Man tries to save you but breaks your neck. And everyone's like, you did that Spider-Man. How tragic.

And he looks down at me. I know. I did it. And everyone starts clapping. And everyone claps. Headline. Jackson Bailey dies. World celebrates. No frowns ever again. New York, all villains give up villainy. Happy he's dead.

Anyway. All right, so all in all, look, my Spider-Man might not be too different to the current Spider-Man, just a bit more reckless and a bit willing to take a couple more risks. The easiest way to grade these is two categories. On a sliding scale of Spider-Man, just a bit more reckless and a bit willing to take a couple more risks. The easiest way to grade these is two categories. On a sliding scale of Spider-Man to Spider-Menace.

Yeah. Alright, so... Look, Spider-Man is clearly in the Spider-Man department. Green Goblin is a Spider-Menace. Your Spider-Man's probably bang in the middle. Bang in the middle. I reckon he might win over J. Jonah Jameson because he might be doing some risky things

that pay off initially. And when J. Jonah Jameson is like, do this, risky things that pay off initially. And when J. Jonah Jameson is like, do this, he's like, alright. Gotta take that shot. But yeah, a lot of it really is dependent on those first few, I guess, missions, for lack of a better word. And sure, he takes heaps of shots, but it also depends on how many

succeed. Yeah, he's kind of almost like the Spider-Man version of Jim Carrey's Yes Man. Yes! Like, he'll just do it, whatever it is, because he doesn't want to miss the shot. Hey, Spider-Man version of Jim Carrey's Yes Man. Yes. Like, he'll just do it, whatever it is, because he doesn't want to miss the shot. Hey, Spider-Man, kill Jackson Bailey. You don't want to miss that shot. Someone's gotta take it. Hits me with a bat.

Oof. Oof. Spider-Man, why? Not dead. Ow. Smacks me again. I hate that you're doing this. Please stop.

What did I do to you? You killed my kid and now this. I just want an apology. It's not so much to ask. People gather around. Takes him like an hour for something. It's just fun. So, I think at the end of the day, you always miss 100% of the shots you don't take is a Spider-Mena.

Yeah, yeah. All right? And now a quick word from our sponsor. Well, just a weird pause, but while I have you here, have you heard of our sister podcast, Thumb Cramps? It's a weekly video game review show where three useless idiots have a chat about the video games we've been playing over the last week. We go over AAA games, games on the Switch, old classics,

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Call the cops! I hear you, Uncle Ben! Call the cops, I'm dying! Call the cops, you can't misconstrue. You're like, oh, yes, I gotta call the cops. When you're shot, I feel you might be A bit more like A bit more cryptic

You might just be saying Cops If you're saying cops Then he's like Yes Join the police force Well even if it is Even if I manage to

Squeeze out Call the cops I just like the idea That he now just Becomes a snitch Just calling the cops On everyone Oh man

Underpaid at the pizza place Gets the cops on the phone They stop answering his calls Uncle always said Call the cops Call the cops on everyone. Underpaid at the pizza place, gets the cops on the phone. They stop answering his calls. Uncle always said, call the cops. Call the cops. Does he still become Spider-Man? Yeah. Okay. Except he maybe... I reckon what he does, he's almost like a

concerned citizen, where he'll stake out a lot of places, but the moment crime happens, he calls the cops. Well, because he... He's like Oracle. Yeah. From Batman. But without Batman. But without Batman and, like, swinging around the city

being like, ah, yes, a crime. Cops, there's a crime happening. So annoying if, like, fucking Dr. Octopus is trying to rob me or something and I see Spider-Man and I'm like, thank God, and he just pulls out his phone. It's happening now. Hello, 911, what's your emergency? Yes, police. Oh, hello, thank God. And he just pulls out his phone. It's happening now. Hello, 911. What's your emergency?

Yes, police. Oh, hello, Peter Parker. There is another crime happening. A man in a scorpion suit is stabbing a fellow man. Hey. Oof. Oof. Oof.

Scorpions are stabbing you, Peter Parker. Peter! Peter! Peter! He's currently dying! Presently! And it's also good because you have an apology would be nice

Yeah Well because yeah Uncle Ben dies after Peter Parker gets bitten by a spider so yeah he has the spider powers but just keeps calling the cops

he could stop in and stop us but he refuses he just needs to call the cops Spider-Man's all right he's like the you know that whole bystander effect is the opposite he's always there always calling the cops always forever on the phone to the police plus you know well let me start that again in the timeline when does spider-man start testing the extent of his power like is that before or after uncle ben dies in the raimi films i think it's after i'm pretty sure he real oh actually i'm just not sure because and start testing the extent of his power. Like, is that before or after Uncle Ben dies?

In the Raimi films, I think it's after. I'm pretty sure he... Oh, actually. I'm just not sure, because if it's after, then that means your Spider-Man has no idea what his powers are. No, there's a little bit before, but then he does a little bit after as well. He doesn't have webs when Uncle Ben dies. Yes.

So he doesn't have webs, or he doesn't really know the proper extent of his powers. He knows he's strong and that he can stick to walls Yeah So his suit's gonna be Oh wait he does have web Just a I was gonna say a hoodie

But like with a bluetooth Yeah So he can constantly call the cops Yeah I guess the question then becomes How do the cops fare against Spider-Man's villains Like

If you shoot the Green Goblin Is he done? Is he down? Well if you shoot the Green Goblin Like as in Norman he down if you shoot the green gob like as in um norman yeah he's fine like he won't be fine he will die yeah but i mean the green goblin armor i think is probably bulletproof to a point but then even still if the cops then kill green goblin harry's gonna have an event editor against god that's great he goes to Peter Parker. Look, I know you always fucking call those cops. They killed my daddy.

The cops killed my father. And then the secret becomes that Peter Parker called the cops to kill his father. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then one day he's walking there. He looks at Peter Parker's phone. Every single call is 911. What the hell? What the hell?

He has no friends. He always calls for coffee. Will this Peter Parker get out of shape? Can Spider-Man get out of shape? Yeah. Look into the spider-verse. Oh, yeah, no, that's true. Because he's not doing any, like...

He gets, like, weirdly out of shape, though, where he's still, like, bralette. Like, he looks out of shape, but he... He just is. Yeah, I know what you mean. Like, he'll have a bit of a gut. No, no, Spider-Man can, because there's been Alternate universes

Or future universes Like Universe X And that kind of stuff In the comic books Where he gets a bit portly Okay so he'll be Kind of a chunkier Spider-Man He's just not doing

Well it depends Because if he's always Calling the cops He always wants to be The first on the scene He might be running around heaps Do the cops hate Spider-Man? Uh

They might investigate him For You know like Like a fireman Is always burning a fire Like starting fires Do the cops hate Spider-Man? They might investigate him for... You know, like a fireman is always burning a fire, like starting fires. The plot of Tomorrow Never Dies. Yeah. What?

Yeah. The bad guy in that is doing terror attacks. Yeah, but he keeps... No, because he runs a newspaper company, so that his headlines are always... It's real dumb. Also, like the plot of a TV series that Jackson believes I made up called Early Edition.

Yeah. Where Kyle Chandler... Yeah. He gets a newspaper that's from tomorrow. An orange cat delivers it to him. That's cool. And he's a self-crime. Tell me Xamarin didn't dream that.

And then police are like, you're always calling the cops. What? Maybe you're starting these problems to be the hero. It's cool that in this version of Spider-Man, he becomes a crime scene photographer instead of just taking photos of Spider-Man. Because, yeah. It's real.

You can show me as many pictures as you like. I'll just refuse to believe. Look, you know, so what was probably the most ridiculous part of the picture? Like the story you just heard? Was it the cat? Here's a picture with him in the cat. The cat exists. See?

Kyle Chandler seems embarrassed to be in that shot. It ran from 1996 to the year 2000. That's incredible. It was a great series. Yeah, so this Spider-Man becomes a crime scene photographer, right? Like, guaranteed. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He probably works. He'd just get a job at the police he'd just become a cop

himself or like a crime reporter because he'd always be the first in the scene so he'd be taking photos i'm a massive fan of the fact that no one wants photos of spider-man in this world well i don't think he'd even dress up as spider-man he'd just be a guy he'd just be he'd become a cop eventually he'd just be an uber cop with the ability but if he's a cop does this does this spider-man just arrest people he'd be on yeah no it's like he didn't say call yourself yeah he didn't say be a cop he said call the cop but you can imagine the i see i don't know because i think the lesson here is that the cops will sort it out yeah you can't do it peter parker call the call the cops the cops will sort it out. You can't do it, Peter Parker. Call the cops.

The cops will take care of it. You'd be bowing down to authority. So any kind of storyline where Spider-Man or Peter Parker have to deal with a corrupt authority, he just won't deal with. He'd call the cops on the cops. You've kind of made a knock, Spider-Man. Which is kind of neat. Spider-Knock?

You've made Spider-Knock. He's lying. You've made him a dweeb You've made him worse I've taken a nerd and made him more nerd Flash Thompson tries to beat the shit out of him And he calls the cops on him Oh my god, fight your own battle

He's gone a juvie Eat shit Flash Oh remember, always call the cops Always call the cops Hey it's Peter Parker, least popular kid in school. Least popular kid in the history of our high school. Hey, Peter, we're smoking some jazz cigarettes.

Would you like some? Oh, he's on the phone with a cop. Hello, 911, I'd like to report a dope smoking crime. This Peter Parker is probably so consumed by little crimes that he never does anything about the villains. Like, surely he sees a traffic infraction or something.

Hello, police? Yes, my aunt just ran a red light. Peter, I'm driving the car currently. Yeah, she's being lippy. Please come and arrest her. Thank you. I hate what Uncle Ben taught you. He taught you wrong.

Yeah, wow. What an annoying Spider-Man. So on the scale of Spider-Man to Spider-Man, he is... Spider-Man-us. But a nerd one. Yeah, he's a Spider-Man-us in that he's a menace to the world. He's just not even a spider at this point. He's just a menace. that he's a menace to the world. He's just not even a spider at this point.

He's just a menace. He's just a menace. He's just a... But... Narc menace. No, he's not a menace because, like, he's reporting crimes. Yeah, but he's not cool. Yeah.

But he's being helpful to the community. I'm saying he's a very responsible person. He's seeing injustices in the world and he's calling them out by calling the cops and maybe putting the right people behind bars. You know what? I like this Spider-Man. He's good. Sometimes you just gotta call it in, Jack. Sometimes you just gotta call it in.

Gotta call it in. Alright, so as I'm lying there big meaty head in Peter Parker's lap, I'm dying. Flashy. Big. Probably dro'm dying. Fleshy. Big. Probably drooling. Dying from a bullet wound to the dick. Coughing at the time.

Sneezing a lot for some reason. Still trying to shut the cheese in your mouth. He shot me in the balls. Peter Parker. I'm going to whisper it to him as quietly as I can. Live fast. Die young, bad girls do it well My balls He shot me in my balls

And then I'm gone So this is a reckless Peter Parker Yeah, you were yelling at mine for being reckless I was yelling at yours Look, I was yelling at mine for being reckless. I was yelling at your... Look. I was yelling at yours for being an idiot. My Peter Parker has no allegiances to anyone.

My Peter Parker's gonna die young and leave a beautiful corpse. And he's never gonna apologize. Never in a million years. You piece of shit. Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well. He's gonna carry around a big plastic bag full of cocaine. Well, bad news. Classic Spider-Man scenario.

You've got a trolley full of kids and MJ on the side. What does this Spider-Man do? Blow up the bridge. I demand an apology. If everybody dies, no one wins. He swings away. If everybody dies, no one wins. And then he swings away. If everybody dies, no one does. Exactly.

He's going to live fast. I don't think he's even there. I think he's just partying somewhere. Well, bad girls do it well means that MJ and Gwen won't be on his radar. No, no, no. He wants a bad girl. Oh, Black Cat. Black Cat.

Peter Parker and Black black cat but like at this point he's living too fast yeah felicia hardy he's living too fast and dying too young black cat peter parker's playing chicken with a train what if he learns a lesson too quick and he just like kills himself what he lived fast but he didn't live fast oh that's true the live fast you gotta live fast but i imagine this p though that's true the live fast you gotta live fast but i imagine this peter parker testing the absolute limits of his powers like web to one side of the subway web to the other side head forward let the train hit him see if he survives plastic bag full of cocaine well the live fast die young thing means like have fun, basically. So, yeah. So, he's like Peter Parker's mask or Spider-Man's mask, just like a mask, but pulled up so his nose is exposed to all that.

I imagine sort of like a classic rave look pulled up with a pacifier in his mouth. Neon colors. He's living his best possible life. His outfit is just like he dresses like sick boy from fucking train spotting. Absolutely. He's having the time of his life. Drops out of school straight away. School's a drag, man.

What's he gonna do with all the knowledge he already has? Forget it? Yeah, that's what the head putting the trains all about. I gotta forget this knowledge, black cat. And the trains keep hitting him And he keeps remembering things Um, what are other classics So, yeah, fuck off MJ, fuck off Gwen Stacy

It's not happening Well, what about villains? Fuck off them too? Oh no, maybe that's fun Maybe that's where Well, actually, no, he'd probably just beat up every villain Yeah, absolutely, maybe that's where Not to make a change, just cause like You know what Let's do it well every villain yeah absolutely maybe that's where the same change just because like yeah you know

what let's do it well yeah yeah um i think what will probably happen here is that he will killing song turn on he'll fight villains then but it's too easy you know it's easier what's what's more challenging or more ridiculous fighting the heroes oh that's true he's just gonna do you think he's gonna but is he a villain At this point Or just a maniac But like if you imagine Yeah but Okay a maniac A maniac that has

A plastic bag Full of cocaine And presumably Two straws In his nostrils Um Instead of imagining him Eating it

With a passive Just dipping the Past- Woo But can you imagine him Yeah just like That will burn his mouth Beating the shit Live fast die burn his mouth Beating the shit

Out of Green Goblin While singing like Live fast, die young Bad girls do it well Enjoy impotence Green Goblin And he'd be like But you're drinking so much coke

Surely you're more impotent than I am What a great thing for Green Goblin To be saying And he'd be like, but you're drinking so much coke, you'd be all... Surely you're more primitive than I am. What a great thing for Green Goblin to be saying as he dies. Your fact didn't make sense. Like, that's going to stop Spider-Man punching him right in the ball sack. Well, yeah, because I guess if he's living fast, dying young, bad guys do it well-ing. I guess he's just going to take the path of not the easiest path or the hardest path but the most fun path.

He's staying and wrestling though. Oh yeah, absolutely. He's having fun with it. If he wants to presumably die at his peak. Oh, he's not wearing a mask. No, no, absolutely. Never. Spider-Man just might find a way to take out

all of the villains at once But not in a sort of like You know what his main form of attack might be? He might Dr. Strange love it Yeah, he may do Nuke New York That's what Uncle Ben was saying He wants everyone to die young

You know the spider puppy? Because if we all die young then live fast He's going to look at Aunt May and just shake his head. Disgusting. You boring Aunt May. Aunt May! Boring! I imagine him running down all his villains in the spider buggy.

That's his main mode of attack. Bag of coke cocaine on the seat next to him. Foot down on the accelerator. Never going off. No brake. No brakes whatsoever. He snapped it off. Yeah, that pedal for losers.

Green Goblin having like a monologue and then just... Slammed into the side. Broken ribs. Broken hips. Never walks again. That's it, man. Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well.

That's what he plays all the time It kind of drove him crazy The death of his uncle Ben Seemed to take it a lot harder than the other Spider-Men Yeah So there's just no real classic Spider-Men Except for the MJ in the trolley full of kids

And he just chooses to blow up the bridge Maybe he just shoots Green Goblin in the head. Gwen Stacy gets thrown off a bridge by Green Goblin. Peter Parker's not even... Spider-Man's not even there. Who? Cusses Spider-Man throwing hot dogs that he's buying off a hot dog vendor or something.

Pushing over a hot dog cart. Yeah, exactly. He doesn't know what's happening with Gwen Stacy. Trying to fry a dachshund. I think he'd be very creative in the way he took care of villains. You know, like he injured them, like tearing off Green Goblin's arms, that kind of thing. Gluing them to venom. There you go, Venom.

Now you've got a regular body. Imagine him using his bag of cocaine like a bag of tricks. He'd be like, hey, Venom, sniff this. And just huck in a handful of cocaine. How does the symbiote biology deal with coke? I like the idea of him sticking Green Goblin's arms and legs. Venom would be like, hey, you've got a regular body now. That rules.

You look normal now. That's crazy. Venom has limbs. You look normal now. That's crazy. Venom has limbs. You look great now, Venom. Peter Parker, away. He's just called Peter Parker. Yeah, there's no Spider-Man in this. He might be called Petey Pete or something.

Petey P. Gold teeth, grill. 2P. He's almost the direct opposite of Spider-Nark, you know? He's cool as. Everyone loves him. He doesn't have a job because he doesn't need a job. He robs of banks or whatever.

Yeah. You know, he mugs people. How long is it going to be before he dies? It's going to be quick. Two weeks? Yeah, he gets maybe like a fortnight out of Spider-Man-ing before he just goes. And he probably goes with blowing up a building or something very exciting. Maybe he just attaches heaps of fireworks to his body.

Propels himself towards whatever villain is fighting him that week. I hope it's someone not even that good. The Tinkerer. Live fast, die young. Imagine him just covered in tats. A big tattoo of Uncle Ben on the front. White guy dreads. White guy dreads. I like he's done this transformation in tats. A big tattoo of Uncle Ben on the front. White guy dreads. White guy dreads.

I think he's done this transformation in two weeks. Immediately after Uncle Ben died in his arms, he left for the tattoo parlor. Kind of looking like James Franco in Spring Breakers. Absolutely. Riffraff from real life. He's incredible. Is he a SoundCloud rapper?

Yeah, absolutely. Different coloured teeth or whatever Tattoos on his face He's incredible I'll imagine under his eye it just says Eat shit, Norman Osborn He still saves the universe I feel like in two weeks he could take care of any villains that come his way

See you in hell, Eddie Yeah, because he's got no sense of self-preservation Actually, he'd just straight away He'd become Symbiote Spider-Man instantly Oh yeah, absolutely any villains that come his way. See you in hell, Eddie. Yeah, because he's got no sense of self-preservation. Actually, he'd just straight away, he'd become symbiote Spider-Man instantly. Oh, yeah, absolutely. He'd probably try and eat fucking carnage. Gonna eat my baby, I guess.

Yeah, maybe the moment he becomes Venom and then he just eats all of his villains and then he goes into a rave and the music kills him. But he thinks it's good. This rules! As the Venom symbiote's like, he's squeezing it around his body. No, stay with me!

I'm vibing! You love this! I'm feeling this! Aren't you feeling this? And then he dies in the feeling this. Aren't you feeling this? And then he dies in the dance floor. And it was a quick... I guess the symbiote has to maybe kill Peter to get away. He goes down Peter Parker's throat and chokes him out. Yeah. It's the only way he can get away from the music is just down Petey's throat.

Into his stomach. Petey's like, just, oh, well. Who cares? The last words are who cares. Who cares? As he gets the last remnants of coke in his plastic bag and flings it into the crowd. Puts the plastic bag full of coke in his hand and ties it up.

Try getting out now, Venom. Who cares? It was like a beautiful firework, you know? The candles that shine the light brightest burn the quickest. And so is the case with Speedy P. Spider-Man to Spider-Menace? Spider-Menace? Just a Spider-Menace.

Absolute Spider-Menace. Just a Menace. Absolutely. spider menace Just a menace Absolutely But he was beautiful He shone so bright And on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel

God bless No one can live forever Why not live for not long No one can live forever. Why not live for not long? No one can live forever. Why not not live? I feel maybe with great power comes great responsibility. Might be the best advice. Look, we got a pretty good Spider-Man out of it

instead of these three troublemakers. I want to see this Spider-Verse. My PDP just doesn't arrive. PDP's a bad influence on the other Spider-verse. My PDP just doesn't arrive. PDP's a bad influence on the other Spider-Men. Especially Spider-Ham. He cooks Spider-Ham up and eats him like a spirit. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter,

you can find us at SansPantsRadio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com, and you'll find all our other content there.

There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses. again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses