Plumbing the Death Star - Which Mario Power-Up Could You Use for Personal Gain or Financial Profit?

Episode Date: April 9, 2023

Mamma Mia! The Boys broke into the Mushroom Kingdom and got their hands on some of those delicious Mario power-ups, now how will they use them for personal gain or financial profit? Zammit goes invincible to be a crash test dummy and entirely misses the point of ca rash test dummy, Jackson has pervert adventures and JD gets big to go after those high and mighty fire fighters. Join us as we eat those mushrooms and hope they tastes like spaghetti. We’re not saving a Princess because we’re too busy using these power-ups to fire a bunch of cannons into a belly, get stuck in a fridge or rule the free world as the biggest man possible.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. And I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And this is the podcast where we ask the important questions, like, which Mario power-up could you use for personal gain or financial profit.

So I guess we've got all the question blocks in front of us. And this episode obviously is to celebrate the release of the recent released Super Mario Brothers movie, available now only in cinemas. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Thank you, Nintendo, for allowing that to happen. Thank you, Nintendo and makers of Dominions, for making this film. Illumination, yes. Thank you, creators of Dominions.

You created Kevin. You created Bob. You created Stuart. You made Otto and all the other little guys. Also, you made Gru. Less exciting. The worst characters that they little guys. You also made Gru. They're less exciting. The worst characters that they made are the three daughters of Gru. That's true.

They are the worst characters they made. And all the dogs from Secret Life of Pets. The good thing about dogs, though, is you can take them to the vet and get them put down for no reason at all. I don't think that's true about dogs. You say, my dog's deeply unhappy. It'd be the kid. my dog's deeply unhappy. It bit a kid. My dog's deeply unhappy. Well, what are you doing?

Why? Because I told her to put it down. It's easier than figuring out what's wrong with my dog. I'm going to choose a star. Oh, invincible. Invincible, invulnerable, whatever. And then sell myself out to big car companies, put me in that car, and run it out of war

and see what happens, baby. Okay, so two things. One, how is that appealing to the car thing because you're invulnerable and therefore a crash test. The car kind of collapses in on you and you step out unharmed. We don't know. We got no info on that. Okay, okay.

For shady car manufacturing. Oh, okay. Second of all, remember that the Superstar has a short time limit. Are we talking about a minute? No, it's less than a minute. In the game, it's like five seconds. Five seconds? So you're just going to be quick. No, it's less than a minute. In the game, it's like five seconds. Five seconds? Oh, I can't time this well.

You've just got to be quick. You sit in the car. The shady car company gives you the thumbs up. Then you reach into the glove box. Don't have it in the glove box. What if you can't open it in time? How do you move it? Because if you pick it up.

It'll be on my arm or holding it between my teeth. But if you pick it up, because they only need to touch the star. They need to eat the mushrooms in the movie. Oh, yeah Because they only need to touch the star. They need to eat the mushrooms in the movie, but they just touch the star. Oh, yeah, they only need to touch the star. How does that work? Do you touch the... Maybe you're going to have a lot of star.

I wear gloves. But Mario's wearing gloves. Oh, they're slightly fingerless. They don't tell you this. They're very thin gloves. Mario's wearing gloves. Maybe you have it. What about if you have it in, like...

How fast could you rob a bank? Not in five seconds. Okay, what about a circus performer? Step right up, step right up, shoot this cannon to my belly. Cannon will take probably longer than five seconds to sort out

and you'd hate for it to run out as the cannonball's heading towards you. So in the Mario film it does show that while you don't get affected, there's still like inertia. Yeah, that's true. So it'll hit me and then split and then whatever's happening behind me. And then your time's up as well and you can find that. But I see invincibility, however brief, should be more useful.

It isn't just five seconds. In the movie, it does seem to be longer. In the movie, can we give me a cap either anywhere between one minute and five minutes? I would like five. In the movie, it does seem like it's probably, it's kind of tricky because it's hard to tell what ends it. They do a big punch or kick. Is it like they use it up? I don't know.

It seems like five minutes, right? All right, we'll say five minutes. We'll give you five minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then you can go back to your car idea if you like. Yeah, Shady Car Company. We need safety rating five. Yeah.

Is it going to weigh on your car insurance? We're using it to use. Our family died. Shady Car Company kills another family. That wasn't the question. The question was personal gain or profit. Also, shady car companies are going to underpay you. Yeah.

You're going to a slimy businessman expecting a good deal. Well, I mean, it's going to cost me the eating of a star, right? And then I guess the trauma of, is there much trauma of being ejected from a car? If you're in a car crash but it doesn't hurt, is it bad? Yeah.

That part I'm not even considered about. It's just that the question was personal gain or financial benefit. Well, you'll get some money. Yeah, I'll get some money. Yeah, but like...

How much does a star cost? What do my son cost? Yeah, that's a great question. All I gotta do is get a star and I'm good. Well, in the movie, for some reason, there's only one star

and you gotta massacre penguins to get it. Yeah, yeah. So you get the penguin blood on your hands and then you get one star, and you've got to massacre penguins to get it. Yeah, yeah. So you get the penguin blood on your hands, and then you get the star, ultimate power. You go to Johnny's car shop. Say, hey, Johnny.

Johnny's like, my cars will straight up kill people, but I need to get the cars out quick. I mean, there's nothing to stop them after I get out, and I'm like, see, there's your test. I'm like, sweet, we got that on camera. These cars are so safe. They kill the feed, and then the car just drives me over. Oof. Yeah, I wouldn't, there's its ass. I'm like, sweet, we got that on camera. These cars are so safe. They kill the feed and then a car just drives me over. Yeah, I wouldn't trust Johnny's car company not to kill you with a car.

That's the side hustle, killing people with cars. Yeah. Of course. Oh, let's go to the cannon idea then. Five minutes, that's a lot of cannon fire. But again, inertia is real. Yeah. What if you get shot with four cannons

on each side of you? Okay. How is one cannon versus four cannons going to benefit you more? You're not going to go flying. No, you don't go flying anyway. Like the bullets, it hits Mario or me in this situation.

And it would crack. Yeah. And then just like go around me. So four cannons will just make it more dangerous to watch. Might make the cannonballs all fuse together into a sort of belt. That's cool. I'm just, again, back to the question. If you're getting hit with one cannon versus you think that if you say, hey, you can shoot four cannons. I'll talk you through my logic.

You can ask for more money. No, so what? Well, you could. But what I was thinking. The four cannon. I'll talk you through my logic. You can ask for more money? No, so what I... Well, you could, but what I was thinking... The four-cannon special. You get to fire a cannon, stab me in the belly. It's worth more money and more for the consumer for me to get shot with four cannons than one.

If I'm a bit... Okay, so I run a circus. Yes. I'm Ringleader Joel. Hello. Hi, I'm Joel the Invincible for a brief time. Joel the Briefly Invincible. Yeah, tell me about what you can do. I can eat this star and then I'll Joel the Invincible. This is my client, Joel the Briefly Invincible. Yeah, tell me about what you can do.

I can eat this star and then I'll be invulnerable. Yeah, you can shoot him with a cannon. Whatever you want. Stab him with a gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So shoot you with a cannon? Sounds good.

What about another three cannons? That's more expensive for me. Well, have you got the cannons? No, but as in like that's more expensive to fire a cannon. Oh, yeah, because then you've got like three extra cannons plus three extra cannonballs. Cannonballs don't grow on trees. Yeah, have you got the cannons? No, but as in, like, that's more expensive to fire a cannon. Oh, yeah, because then you've got, like, three extra cannons plus three extra cannonballs. Cannonballs don't grow on trees. Yeah, gunpowder. I've got three people, and, like,

adding more and more cannons means that things could go wrong. Do you need an agent? I just got fired. I can sell you a circus. Sir, I'm gonna be honest with you. You seem like a loathed moron. Hi! I'm just advertising Joel Dush's circus. Don't ask for too many cannons.

He doesn't have many cannons. That's what I know for sure. He's skinned on cannons. I have cannons. Oh, he's got cannons now. I just don't understand why I'd want to waste four shooting one guy. It's more impressive from each angle. It is more

impressive. It's more impressive. If you had a ring of cannons and they all shot into the middle shooting one person and he comes up, I'm fine. That's amazing. I honestly think the ceiling is probably two,

maybe three cannons. What? No, because four cannons you can get every cardinal direction. Yeah, yeah. Imagine 18 cannons. Yeah.

Four cannons minimum. More cannons better. It's more of a spectacle. That's like saying, you know what I enjoy when I go see fireworks? One. Yeah cannons minimum. More cannons better. It's more of a spectacle. That's like saying, you know what I enjoy when I go see fireworks? One. Yeah, exactly. I like one firework. I don't care for any more firework.

I want just the one. What about this? Maybe a better analogy. One car crashing into a wall or four cars crashing into each other in the middle. Yeah. Okay, we don't need to do analogies because we are literally talking about a cannon. Yeah. You clearly have misunderstood how wide a person is and how big a cannonball is.

Yeah, but what's more exciting? Two cannonballs. Two cannonballs. You know, like the size of a fucking grapefruit? Or a honey melon? Are you standing side on? No, you stand whatever. Cannon hits you in the belly.

Cannon hits you in the back. Cannon hits you in one hip. Cannon hits you in the other hip. Do you know how likely that something will go wrong trying to aim for the side of a person with a cannon? And granted, yes, where are the spectators? All around me. If you simply flinch, we will hit someone in the crowd with a cannonball. Also, they use cannons on boats.

They're not used to usually hit one guy. So four cannons shooting one man, that's madness! It's not even that impressive! Well, what about if we fire him out the cannon? Is this a brick wall? Yeah! We can't afford brick walls. Bricks are cheap.

Bricks, they don't grow on trees, but close enough. It's basically just sand and water, yeah? We'll make the bricks. You'll make the bricks. You can make mud bricks. We can make bricks. You can make bricks. Bricks are cheap.

We can sort out a wall. Okay, well, we'll fire them into a wall. Okay, Provisor. Oh, yeah, the human gonzo. Yeah. I think I just got my job back. Well, Provisor, we can only do this once yes

so yeah with enough power we could do our own like Muppet show yeah okay my clients changed the terms

he wants to do a human Muppet show well usually with a circus I'd like to see the act but you say you can only do it once

no no well again how many power ups because is it a thing where I was like well I can collect as many stars as I need to or is it because

you know like say if I was picking say the big mushroom is it only one shot just because it's only one in the movie but in the games there are multiple power ups

there's not so many but there is there's like 120 of like they're power stars not superstars there's 120 of the big bad

boomba stars but those like little stars that come up they're a dime a dozen. They're not a dime a dozen. Dime a dozen. Sometimes if you're

really bad at the game you'll just be invulnerable from the start. That requires dying, sir. Yes, yeah. Oh, yes, yes. But I come back. So is the power up

you're choosing a star or lives? Lives is good. I mean, if you pick lives But I come back So is the power up you choosing A star or lives Lives is good If you pick lives I'll pick the one up Because then we can get a bunch of one up mushrooms And we can just fire them into a wall Basically

As a circus I do not want my audience To see a man die even if they do come back To life Do I come back Also how are you going to eat a man die even if they do come back to life. Do I come back as in like- Also, how are you going to eat a mushroom when you- I'll have all the mushrooms already. In the wall.

No, he's got the mushrooms to begin with. I've got like times 99 or whatever. Times 99? We've got a lot of mushrooms. I'm hungry. My question though is, so okay, I have many lives. Sure. You put me in the cannon.

Yeah. Everyone's like incredible, you know, big glass. Well done. Love it. There's 20 bucks. I'm like, yes. Oh, wow. We're not making heaps. If I'm in the cannon. Everyone's like, incredible, big, big collapse. There's 20 bucks. I'm like, yes! Oh, wow. I die. Now, is that my corpse? Is it there? It'll sink into

the ground. And then I appear where? Or does my zombie body just pop up? I guess you would probably appear back inside the cannon. No. And we could find you again. It would be...

It's a side of the activity is what I'm thinking. Probably where your day starts, I guess. In bed. You wake up in bed. It's like a groundhog. Except not. Except the day's not repeating. Except not.

Okay, so a little cot. Okay. In the arena. I've woken up. Okay, you wake up in... Sleeps in the middle of the arena. Sleeps in the middle of the arena. I wake up. So you understand this is a traveling cot. Okay. In the arena. I've woken up. Okay, you wake up, sleeps in the middle of the arena. Sleeps in the middle of the arena, I wake up, that's the day. So you understand this is a travelling circus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but for that day. For that day we mean.

Right? So you want me to hire you, but then also we have to do minimum two nights, and you can only perform the second night, because we need that circus there overnight for you to go to bed in. Well, basically, it's just, or I can sleep in the trailer, it's fine. It's just more of the, you know, when you shoot me and I die, if I wait, if I appear again in the bed in the middle of the circus,

that's more impressive. That's very impressive. That's true. But also, if we fire you into a wall and you die, then you open the tent flap of the circus and step inside. It's like a magician's trick. And we could hire a guy, I mean, I could do this, if you don't have a guy ready to pretend to be a magician and say that it's a magic trick that's happening.

Yeah, in front of a circus, why don't we do a magic trick? Yeah, I don't think we need your help anymore. How traumatic is it to watch someone die? How traumatic is it to die? It's not great. Well, it depends on the form of death. Getting fired into a wall is probably quick. Yeah.

Head first. Yeah, but you've got the moment. You've got the scary part will be when you're in the cannon. Yeah. When you're like- But then you also have a moment- When your feet are on fire, right? Yeah.

When you're in excruciating pain. Explosion there. And you're looking directly up ahead at a wall. Yeah. What happens if you fire someone from a cannon? Because surely it can't be good for your legs. Yeah, legs. Well, people do it all the time, so somehow you can do it.

That's a special guy. We can use a special guy cannon. Oh, okay. I imagine we won't, but that's nice. How does a special guy cannon work? I guess it's the same. It's just probably like a spring. Not gunpowder, like a spring?

Shoes on or something? It'd probably be a spring. Yeah, okay, okay. But we use a guy gun. But then I guess here's the problem with a spring. It, probably a spring. Yeah, okay, okay. But we use a guide on that. But then I guess he has a problem with a spring. If it's a spring, it's not going to kill me. Yeah. Okay, well, I, as the magician, I'll just crush his head when he hits the wall.

How traumatic is it to go headfirst into the wall, probably be severely injured, maybe paralyzed, and then have someone stomp on your head until you die? Do you think you can kill a man with one stomp? I don't. Is he already pre-damaged from the wall? Is this exciting for the viewing audience? Or is the audience like, oh my god.

Then you have to come out and apologize every night. We're doing it multiple nights, despite the fact. How can we ensure his death? Okay, what about this? Here's a little trick. Okay, what about this?

I think I've got it. We kill you in the cannon. Okay, I was going to say cyanide tablet in my teeth. Because if we kill him in the cannon, the audience doesn't know he's dead, and then we fire him at the wall. They think we're firing a live guy at the wall to die. But when he dies, he's going to pop up and go down into the ground. Well, he could just wait outside.

Oh, we fire the cat and none of the corpses stays there. Yeah, that is tricky. And if the corpse stays there, we're going to be burying Joss Hammonds every night. Well, in my case, I could be used as fertilizer. Oh, that's true. What about we do a high dive into a little pool, but then at the last moment we pull the pool away? Oh, okay. Not into a giant pool, but into a glass of water.

And I do that trick. And then just bang. Smash into a glass of water. Everybody's like, oh, went wrong. Real life loony tunes. Bang. Then you come in through the flap and we're like, it went right. And they're like, I don't, that's not what you thought.

Are you sure? Do you have a twin? I don't know what's going on. What did I just see? I watched a man die. No, you didn't. I'm a magician. It was a trick.

He's still a man. You didn't do anything. You were just the edge of the arena the whole time. Looking on your phone. Yeah, I'm looking for a new couch. My old one's gotten really dirty. Yeah. You know those stains couches get when you sleep on them when you're too sweaty?

I sleep on them. I don't have them bad. What about medical experiments? You know, they're always like, we need medical, like, people to have some medical experiments or some wild. They don't typically kill you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they could.

But I have, like, extra lives. So if anything bad happens, I just do my famous high dive into a glass of water trick. So your plan is to just, like... Oh, wait, will I come back and I reset as if I were as I was in the morning? Because if so,

then I've already taken the drugs and the side effects. Yeah, if you're exceptionally ill and then die, you'll come back ill. Can Bowser permanently kill Mario with that strategy? Just poison, like, slow poison? Yeah, if you're exceptionally ill and then die, you'll come back ill. Can Bowser permanently kill Mario with that strategy? Just poison, like slow poison? Yeah, probably. And then Mario will keep coming back. Well, you get stuck in a weird loop, wouldn't you?

You're like poisoned to the point of death. And then you come back, but still poisoned to the point of death. But time's also moving because the day is not resetting. Exactly. So you constantly have one more day. Yeah. It's a bad life for Mario, but it's not impermanent death. Yeah.

He is unwell. Yeah, yeah. So you're going to roll into a hospital, say, hey, do all your experiments on me. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. And.

Hell. For money. For money, yeah. Okay, yeah, sure, sure, sure. I mean, hospital ethics still exist Yeah but I keep coming back Basically you got like a Unlimited supply of me

Yeah that's true Does the doctors code where it's like You shall not harm The Hippocratic Oath Does that say you shall not harm any patients Unless they can come back from the dead and then it's fine? Well, I think it's a new situation. You can revive someone. Yeah, but would it in a world, say Sam can come back from the dead.

If I shot him with intent to kill and he came back, what is that? Is that attempted murder still? Yeah, because you had intent to kill. What if I die? But he's okay. Yeah, that's the attempted part of the murder. So if I go to a hospital and I'm a do-or-you-wonder when I come back, they, like, you know, defib my heart when it's still beating,

causing it to, like, go into cardiac arrest or whatever. I die. I die. I come back from the dead. Then they revive me. Oh, no. What happened? No, I think the way that it would have to work is Marioio brothers rules where it's like the moment you die there's like a like a

minute window at least like your body just disappears and then you pop back up yeah oh yeah yeah it's uh it's traumatizing for them i'm just trying to figure out how this will benefit you well you get paid for the medical experiments, I guess. I think is the idea. Hey, scientists and or doctors and or nurses and or hospital staff, have you ever wanted to do any dangerous experiments? Yeah, surely there's some medical experiments that people- Let's find out.

What does medical trials pay? I think it does okay. It's not nothing. I don't know if you can make a living off it, but it's not nothing. And I'm sure there are. In Australia, the first one I've seen is you get paid up to $600 per day. Per day? Well, he's got 99 freaking one-ups.

That's a lot of cash. So 98, because obviously. Okay, so 98 because obviously... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Good point, good point, good point. Oh, shit. Okay, thank you. And, like, that's...

So it's like 58K. It's not bad. Over three months. That is pretty good. And that's no weekends off. Yeah, yeah. But that's okay. That's the grind culture, baby.

He's hustling. You're spending three months in hospital. Yeah, yeah, but that's okay. That's the grind culture, baby. He's hustling. You're spending three months in hospital. Yeah, yeah. Doing dangerous medical experiments. Surely they'd give you a bit more than $600 a day if it's dangerous. No, that's the cap for dangerous. Okay, $600 a day. I think it's significantly less if it's something more chill.

Three months? Three months. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Nine months of the year, I can kick a suite. if it's something more chill. Three months? That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Nine months of the year, I can kick a sweet. Again, you have multiple lives. You could rob a bank and get significantly more money than that in an afternoon. But then he might go to jail.

Yeah. Breakout? What's he going to do? Eventually he runs out of nine-year-old lives and goes back to jail. If I do something like, yeah, rob a bank and get shot and then I'm like, well, then I die. Technically, the new life hasn't committed the crime, right? In a court of law. Does the Muslim kingdom have the death penalty?

I think it would. Yeah, well then. Does that mean all debts get, because I've died, right? Do all debts get written off? But you haven't really died. No, your family have had to pay for them. Sorry, mom and Dad. Too bad. Well, I was thinking I'd

take the tiny mushroom and live in someone's walls. How is that? That's personal gain! It is personal gain, dude. I have a grand old time living in someone's walls. Pervert adventures. Yeah, I'm living the borrower life, you know? I'm like a little mouse. Insulation, rock hard, saying hi to a rat. I'm living the borrower life. You know, I'm like a little mouse. Insulation, rock hard,

saying hi to a rat. I'm not getting off on it. I'm not going to have this debate. You know, I've been here before. So you're going to be in the wall. What's in a wall, Jackson? Well, eventually I'd build a house over time. I'd get some stuffing for a bed.

But insulation ain't that comfortable. I'm not sleeping on insulation. I'm stealing it from the couch cushions. So you're stealing fluff from the couch cushions. I feel like if I'm tiny and I walk through insulation, I'll shred. Yeah, you will. Insulation would be a hazard for you. Yeah, that's true.

Well, I'll just find a safe little pocket in the wall, and I'll just set myself up. Okay. Not every house will have insulation in every single wall, granted. Yeah. So I guess you have to find out which ones will have insulation in every single wall, granted. Yeah. I guess you have to find out which ones, how are you making that hole, dude?

Yeah. Well, I just like, teeth, like a fucking rat. I find where a mouse hole is, I guess. So you're going to go into a mouse hole,

you know, an animal that's famously docile, you know? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Mouse and rats are docile, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is the pheromone

that cats release that make mice harmless? Uh-huh. Can I get that pheromone off a cat? Is it a parasite? Might be a parasite. Okay, so now that you're tiny, you want to try and, I don't know, make out with a cat? And also, if that pheromone works on mice, what if it works on me? Yeah.

And I just go up to the cat and get eaten That's true Well I'll arrange all of this when I'm big I'll just make a hole in the wall Set myself up Then eat the tiny mushroom How are you going to see in the wall With a little candle

A candle How big are you I'm tiny The candle I just hold like this With both you know, like the size of a- Like three apples tall? Yeah. That's big. The candle I just hold like this with both hands. What do you think is in a wall? Like wood and stuff? Yeah.

Planks? Are you imagining you could just climb up in between the walls? Yeah. You can't. Not if you're three apples tall. How small do I need to be? No, you need to be bigger because most walls have like, just like cross planks. Depends how it's built because the plaster sheet goes up

right against the studs, right? Also to be able to climb those studs or climb up them. I mean, you can. It's just like, it's not much gap. There may be some wiggle room. Maybe I'll live under a house then. Okay. You're going to live under a house? Yeah, like in the foundation.

Full of spiders and mice and rats, presumably. There's mice and rats all over the house. That's something I've got to deal with regardless. It just feels like a big house. Or I'll live in the roof. Once again. Why? The roof is where the insulation definitely will be.

Plus you've got air con and maybe heating in the roof too. Or I could live in the ducts. You'll die. Why will I die in the ducts? The ducts will turn on. Splatted on the wall. What do you mean? Also, even if the ducts don't blow you out of the ducts,

the moment they turn on any kind of dust debris. How does a mouse live in the wall then? Because a mouse isn't trying to explore up into the wall and have a grand old time. A mouse is trying to survive, and it will attack other mice and insects and eat. Well then I'll just have to find somebody

whose house I can live in regularly but I'll be tiny. I can live in a dollhouse. That'd be alright. Could you be, say, I don't know, a child's pet? Yeah, I'll be like a child's pet living in a dollhouse. They can bring me a grape or whatever. I can eat that. Dollhouse isn't a real house. Me and the kid will have to figure that out they can take me to the

toilet and i'll shit in the sink or something okay how about this uh you you befriend someone who's really into warhammer okay and live on their miniature yeah they do like a whole miniature set and you try and like orchestrate like miniature plumbing, okay. So that I can shit in there, because that is going to be a problem. But my shits will be so tiny. They'll be harmless. They'll be so stinky. Well, yeah, I could live in somebody's miniature set,

live in a dollhouse. I could figure out how to shit. They could take me to the window and I just shit into the yard or whatever. You're going to fall out of that window. Once the imp... I won't die because I'll be so tiny, like an ant. My terminal velocity is... I know the terminal velocity will drop. Once the NPM die I won't die Because I'll be so tiny Like an ant The smaller you get The more you survive

I know The terminal velocity Will drop Yeah Woo I'll be scared To hover on a dandelion Because I'll just get

Flied by a bird But also I don't know what The exact weight Of surviving Terminal velocity Would be Yeah

Three apples tall I would say You're dying for sure Well three apples tall That's as big as a smurf I don't think that's how Big Mario gets When he eats

The little guy mushroom He's like The size of a Yeah he's like The size of a quarter Of an apple or something Yeah cause like See the can that's on the table

That's two apples Yeah no no no I wanna be smaller than that I wanna be like Maybe a third of that can I was gonna say Like the little tabs On like a Coke can

That you pull up Yeah That size That's how small I wanna be Like a little wing Tiny Yeah yeah yeah Absolutely tiny So that's probably About two inches Yeah I'll be two inches tall little tabs on like a Coke can that you pull up? Yeah. That size. That's how small I want to be. Like a little wing. Yeah? Tiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely tiny.

So that's probably about two inches. Yeah, I'll be two inches tall. Two inches? That's, but no. Can't be two inches, right? Yeah, that's like two inches, right? Or like the size of a pinky finger. I can do that.

Pinky nail or pinky finger? Pinky nail seems scarier. I'll go pinky finger. Okay, it's maybe one inch, not two. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. All right inch not two I'll go the size of a pinky finger that's how little I'll be maybe I'll live in the garden I don't know everything will kill you in the garden

if I'm tiny everything's gonna kill me anyway that's just like part of the deal where is the gain? it's gonna be fun you have a horrible obsession with survival stories that you think you could just body it. You can't. You'll die.

So when you're tiny, let's say you're tiny and say a millipede is like, oh, a delicious or a centipede, delicious, juicy meal for me. A foot. They go to attack you. Yes. How do you defend yourself? Well, earlier I took a toothpick from somebody's martini and I stabbed a millipede with it and that's my dinner. What does a millipede have?

Lots of legs. No, no, no, no. What else does it have? Mandibles. Yeah, a mouth. A poison. What else does it have? A carapace. It has an extra skeleton, right? Yeah, yeah. How's that toothpick going in? I reckon you could shove a toothpick through a millipede. Yeah, as a human being you can. Oh, yeah. You're one inch tall. Does he have... You won't even be able to could shove a toothpick through a millipede. Yeah, as a human being you can. You're one inch tall.

Does he have... You wouldn't even be able to pick up a toothpick. Does he have Ant-Man-like powers where it's that... That's a great question. Do I have Ant-Man powers? Oh no, because everyone who's tiny in Mario World gets like piss weak. Yeah. You have the...

It's proportional. You're about as strong as you are. Well, to be like... Well... If... Could you wrestle a long dog who's trying to eat you? That's all of you. I don't know. Are you like 5'9"?

Yeah, something like that. Alright. You're like 5'11". 5'11"? 5'10"? Okay, let's just go 5'10", because that's easier. Yeah. I could wrestle a long dog. A long dog that's trying to bite you with its mandible and also poison you. You'll be 160 if your current strength is proportional.

Okay. That's not very strong. No. Well, I wanted to just live a quiet sort of borrower life in the wall, but you forced me into the garden with a millipede. You exiled me from the house. You are one sixtieth

of your strength. How are you getting through a wall? I'm fighting a mouse hole. Going through the mouse hole. Getting killed immediately by the mouse. I find an abandoned mouse hole. The mice have moved on. You go into an abandoned mouse hole. The mice have moved on. You go into an abandoned mouse hole. It's abandoned.

Great. I set up shop. Why did the mouse leave? Do you know? Poison, maybe? Green apostas. Yeah, they saw something else. They were like, oh, that's interesting.

You're in a mouse hole. It's abandoned. What do you do? First, I got to get some fluff from a couch cushion. How are you doing that? I climb up the couch. How? With my little hands and the fibers of the couch.

Can you climb a cliff face now? I do a lot of training before I get tiny. How do you train? Before you get tiny? Well, yeah, because I've got to get strength training. I've got to figure out how to do all of this for when I do get small. But you don't know what's going to happen. Well, I'm going to have to climb cliffs, basically.

And move huge buttons. I would train when I shrank if I was you. Well, but I don't have the time. There's rats everywhere. Dude, there's rats everywhere. I need to get food from the kitchen. You want me sitting down there on the tile, the linoleum floor, looking up at the butter. How are you getting onto a kitchen bench?

Well, that's what I'm saying! That's why I need to train beforehand! Because I don't want to be looking up at the kitchen bench realizing I don't have the strength and dying of starvation. But how are you climbing... Yeah, I'm going to be eating cracker fucking detritus. How are you climbing, like, a wooden bench? Well, when I'm tiny, there'll be grooves.

Grooves imperceptible to us with our human big eyes. There will be slight grooves. Exactly. If it's not completely smooth. If a rat can do it, I can do it, dude. Rats can jump. Yeah. And then rats have claws.

But I guess you are, because, yes, you have, like, less strength, but you weigh less. So I guess, would you be able to lift yourself up? Oh, yeah. Can you lift yourself up now? Because that won't change. I can do a chin up. No, that's why I'm doing the training beforehand. Okay.

I get to train my upper body strength. But Dushan wants me to do it when I'm tiny, which is... I mean, both are fine to do at either time. But when I'm tiny, that's when time is of the essence. I just think that if I was going to train for something, knowing I'm about to become 1 60th of my size, I would want to train when I'm 1 60th of my size. So I know, like, I was going to train for something Knowing I'm about to become 1 60th of my size I would want to train when I'm 1 60th of my size So I know

I'm used to my body I'm not training In a totally different body And then rolling in and being like It's the same If I got a support team I'll do it when I'm tiny But if I'm by myself

I'm too vulnerable to do it when I'm tiny Say this I'm like hey Jack I'm the briefly invulnerable boy. Yeah. I'll help you out. Thank you. Okay, here's a little tiny, like here's a mushroom,

here's a blue mushroom, whatever. You're eating it, you're tiny. I'll help you. What do you want? Well, I got to do, I got to train my upper body. I got to learn to rock. So you're strong now, Clyde. So you don't want me to help you by taking you and picking you up places?

You want to learn how to do it. Okay. Okay. No, that was what I was going to do. Come back. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. You want me to get some pebbles? I'll get you some pebbles, dude. We'll lift pebbles.

Old school weight training. Okay. Let's say you've trained. Like a medicine ball. Let's say you've trained and you've feasibly done what maybe your body is capable of deep down. You can do like 20 chin-ups. I'm at the peak.

Great. Of what I'm capable of. Well, then, yeah, I'm climbing up to the kitchen bench, stealing butter, stealing bread. What? Worming my way into the fridge, freezing to death because I can't worm out. How do you worm into a fridge? How are you getting into a fridge? I'm finally getting where it's suctioned on, pulling that apart, slipping through.

No. You can't. You can't do any of that. Why not? It's not strong enough. You have no leverage. I get a toothpick, and I use that for leverage to get into the fridge. You can't now use a toothpick to open a door. As a human, as a grown-ass adult, you've got a toothpick.

If we gave you a big stick and said, hey, can you open a front door? Yeah, I would struggle. Not just a front door, because there's like a fridge, which is a pulling motion. If I gave you a stick and I said, open this door. I was thinking I'd worm it in with sort of instructions to the frame. Oh, where it seals. Then I push it open like that. Because the thing about a seal.

You can't... You can. You can, but you need to be the right place. Okay, so you'd have to get to the very top of the fridge. Well, that's why I did the strength check. How are you climbing the fridge? On the fridge magnets on the front. You'd have to wedge it in.

You wouldn't have the strength to move the fridge magnets, but please continue. That's good, because then I'm using them to climb my way up. How are you going to rearrange them into a ladder? I assume they already are. Why? Make a lot of assumptions. I guess at the top of the fridge. Open up. That's where the freezer is.

Don't want to go in there. Will freeze to death if I get in the freezer. If you get in the fridge, you'll probably die too. Yeah. It's cold. And then also, if you go in there, it automatically shuts. How are you going to open it? It's cold and dark. Scary. Also, you keep saying you're going to eat

butter. Yeah. So you're imagining It's a lot of butter. Well, I'm not eating a handful. Why is butter appealing then? Because it's easy to get because it's on the kitchen counter. You know, if they've got it in a butter dish or whatever, it's accessible to me, you know? If it's like in a butter bell or whatever, it's accessible to me, you know?

If it's like in a butter bell or whatever. Hey, Jackson, have you ever struggled to cut butter currently? Yeah. Now imagine you've got 1 60th the strength. Yeah, but I can just like rub my hand against it. You can use your hand. Yeah, I guess. Or I just lick it.

Yeah, it's a delicious salty treat. Just bite down. And then I go to, if they've got the bread on the bench, like some people do, I just tear a little hole in the plastic, climb inside, eat the bread. Like a rat. Like a rat. Yeah, like a rat. How much are you imagining you're eating this bread?

Because if you're tearing a hole in, because I think that you're... I guess I would be eating like a handful of bread and then I'd be full, really. And also just eating bread and butter is no diet. If you tear a handful off, you also wouldn't be able to get get into the bread so it would probably take you like maybe a week or two Oh, that's okay. Well, there's sure someone notices or is the whole house about Somebody's gotta be putting the bread down Is this your house? No, I imagined a stranger It's not exciting if it's Jackson's house because he's exploring a place he already knows. Yeah, exactly.

It's dull. He wants to be in a stranger's house because that's exciting. Yeah. So why do you need to be tiny then? Well, I could be big and explore a stranger's house. That'd be fun too, but it'd be more fun to be tiny. You want to hide in a drawer or something. Yeah.

But you haven't explored your house with your tiny. He knows what everything is. There's no secrets. Yeah. What do you mean? I guess if I'm tiny in my knows what everything is. There's no secrets. Yeah. But also... What do you mean? I guess if I'm tiny in my house, I can set myself up for all of this. That makes it a bit easier.

Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe I'll do that then. Plus, you know, if you live with somebody or a good neighbor, they might drop off a single loaf of bread to last you a week. Yeah, yeah. A single loaf of bread will last you more than a week. Except for a single slice of it. The mold would kill me.

That's true. Well, they can leave me- You're more susceptible to mold? Well, there'd be more of it. Yeah, like a mold spore is huge for me. A mold spore is like the size of Jackson. Yeah, yeah. If I inhale it, I'm in trouble.

Oh yeah, and also that doesn't even count, like, is your house like spotless currently? Because you're going to need it to be if you want to survive. Dust on the floor, you breathe that in, dead. your lungs entirely yeah that's true i'd need like a gas mask or something yeah yeah i can shrink with a gas mask on okay i can do that make sure when someone like you know vacuums you're not there yeah whoa you'll die that's almost worse than dying in the fridge but not that much worse dying in the fridge. But not that much worse. Dying in the fridge is still the worst way to go. If you're smaller, every noise would be so loud.

Yeah, that's true. But no, I mean, a rat survives fine. Not just loud, it would be... I guess big. And slow. Everybody would be so slow to me. You could feel it. That's the thing, isn't it? People's perception of time is sort of related to size a little bit.

So, yeah, everybody would be big and slow to me. That's okay. You could probably see a lot more. So, wait, hang on. Are you trying to say you'd be faster than? No, but just people would seem slow. I mean, it's like the same way like a fly. Yeah, it's relative.

The same way a fly flies out of the way of your hand when you bring your hand to it. It's because to you, sorry, to the fly, you're moving far slower. Yeah. It's because they're relative. So, I would be quicker, I guess, really, in a way. Yeah, you would. Yeah. You'd be kind of like.

Yeah. Whoa, I'm dodging out of the way of your footsteps when you come into the house and try and kill me. And you probably couldn't talk to him because he'd be. Yeah, yeah. I can't do this podcast if I'm tiny. Yeah. Oh, well. You've lost, okay, so you've lost your income. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't need my income. I'm living on bread and butter. How are you buying the bread and butter? Well. I just, and also. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need my income. I'm living on bread and butter. How are you buying the bread and butter? Well, I'm just... And also... How long do you live? How long do you give him? I reckon three days.

I reckon... No, he's... And that's generous. He dies within the first six hours because there'll be something he hasn't considered and it kills him immediately. Well, your egg would kill him. What do you think's taking me out? I think you'll be like, oh, I'm getting tired.

I'll have a nap on this piece of felt I find, and then you wake up torn in half by a bug. Was the felt the bug? No, it's just... Or I'll be like, damn, that smells delicious, and it'll just be rat sack. I'll have a lot of dead

rats around there. Well, the rats are dying, but I won't. I'm a man. I can body this yeah I reckon you're gonna get got by a daddy long legs that's scary there's a lot of

scary ways to die when you're tiny I still don't understand what the gain is because you're now in your own house cockroaches will destroy you

yeah dude you get under that fridge you're like oh no maybe I can't get up on the counter because I can't climb and I'll get a crumb under the fridge.

Trying to get into the fridge is also, I would say, probably the most obvious way you'll die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you've approached it with no plan. Because if you fall into a spot of the fridge, you're just dead instantly. Yeah, yeah. Fall into the motor, chopped up, dead. Well, yeah. Stuck somewhere, dead.

He wants to climb into an air con and just live with the pipes. Oh, yeah, dead. There's a lot of risks. Climbing anything and falling off. Dead. But the reward. What reward? He falls, though, because, again, he's little as a wee.

He's maybe not dying. Yeah, but if anything goes wrong. So say he doesn't die. Like, say you fall. Yeah. It doesn't kill you, but you break your wrist or something. Yeah, and I can't go to a doctor No

Yeah And you need both hands To do this Horrible survival You gotta go to Like a vet That specializes In tiny critters

Yeah Like somebody Who can fix a vermin And then they go like Oh yeah Basically put it down Now with all of that in mind Yeah

When you consider Your regular life now Yeah Is this Better I think it would be Fun And then I would be dead when you consider your regular life now, is this better? I think it would be fun and then I would be dead. But it would be fun briefly. Is it better?

Better than my life now? No. But if I could do it as like a holiday? Awesome. Okay, so you said no to it being better. What's another word for better? Like gain? You probably say that something has to be better for it to gain.

Yeah. Yeah, so you didn't answer the fucking question. Question. If he gets hit, though, once, doesn't he become big again? Oh, yeah, that's also true. So the roach bites my head. I become huge under the fridge. You die.

What a way to go. You fall off anything, become big Probably die as well Yeah You go into the Like into the walls You like step on Like a sharp bit of I was going to say a nail

But probably not a nail Like a bit of Like a splinter Yeah yeah Become big in the walls Die Squished I don't know if I'd die

And I think that's way worse If I became big in the wall I think I'd survive I'd just be In real trouble Stuck A lot stuck So I reckon Yeah let's just be in real trouble stuck a lot stuck so I reckon

yeah let's just let's just take that off because that's an instant like a day yeah yeah yeah I think I give you I want to give you three days

but I don't think I'm going to give you six hours is my final answer no that's fair I was like maybe a day you don't survive the night I don't think I was like okay yeah

but yeah the night the night when the mosquitoes when the critters come out to play you take all my blood at once. No, we just go through you, dude. Nice try getting any blood, mosquito. Just stab straight through your belly, come out your back.

It's like, you idiot. There's no blood in the air. Well, you punch it and then you have to, I guess, survive a mosquito. I just grab the mosquitoes. Yeah, I grab it. It's proboscis. Sort of bend it up so it can't get out of me. And then I fall on my back and kill it.

Pushing it out. Blood. I'm ready for anything. Yeah. Well, I think, Jackson, you were kind of onto the right path in the wrong direction. Because the one that I'm going to use is the super mushroom. Because there are so many things.

Obviously, much like you i will be thinking about it and unfortunately though well more fortunately for me though is that i'll be thinking about it using it in a sensible way there's so many times where i could be bigger and that would help give me a one example lifting anything that's heavy trying to change a tire on a car don't need a jack anymore i can hold it. How big do you get when you go big mode? Mario gets about double his size. Yeah. He's pretty big. So I'm six foot, so that makes me twelve foot. Whoa, you'd be gigantic.

Actually, in the movie, it kind of implies it's more than double strength. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not the proportional thing. Yeah. It makes me jump higher. Look, I know you love jumping, Jackson. I do. I can't really imagine where to jump. Well, I guess if something stuck up really high.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a frisbee or a cat. Yeah. That's true. You could, oh, all those poor firemen out of jobs because there's JD, the cat rescuing man. Yeah. You could say, hey, fire department, you don't need to rescue cats anymore.

I got it. Hey, fire department, get a real fucking job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stick to the fires, okay? I'll take care of the cats. I got the cats, you idiots. And if I had an ice mushroom, you'd be out of that job too. Hi, I'm Joel Dush.

I don't respect the fire department. AFAB. That's good. That's my ad on TV. What did he say he's gonna do again? Is this an anti-fireman ad? He said he's gonna get Cats out of trees There was no numbers

Nothing about fires He said he would if he could That implies that he can't Why did he do that? So it's not necessarily like a financial gain or financial profit yeah because like it's hard to monetize well it's not actually that hard to monetize being big but i would feel like personal gain is definitely uh a better thing it just would make things easier yeah absolutely cleaning the fucking gutters of

your house get big reach in reach in scoop it in. Scoop it up. Throw it away. Also, if I know, like, okay. Yeah. I know I'm doing something dangerous. Get big. Get hurt. Survive. It's not going to be.

Yeah, that's true. You do kind of get like a freebie of intense damage if you're big. The problem here, though, is because now that you're big, and you just remind me because I get big, and I can like clear all the detritus and stuff in my gutters. But the problem there is you now have to do it. Yeah, that's true. You're making more work for you.

But I'm happier about it. I guess, but you now got to do shit. Yeah, you can't. But also, it seems like. Hey, I got to move house. Oh, do shit. He's got the big mushroom. And then that's where I put my friendships aside and say,

that's no problem. Here's my fee. And then it's financial property. Okay. You've lost the kind of gain. Oh, no, it's the both, really. Getting big, handy. Yeah.

It is handy if you actually don't want to live like a lazy hedonistic life like me and you did. That's true. But then even then, I could get lazy and be big because getting big could make- Big hammocks. I'm like, oh, fuck, I can't be bothered going for a walk today, but I got to go to the shop. Get big, half as many steps. That's true. And you can maybe just jump to the shops.

Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. Re can maybe just jump to the shops. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good. Rearrange your house really easily. Obviously, stealing becomes much easier as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something that I do endorse. Beating people up, too. Stealing's good.

Stealing's good. Violent crimes are good. Fighting guys. Really, because you're that big and there is no one coming close to you, you could outsource a lot of the stuff. Do the thing that I don't want to do because I'm bigger than you. I'll push you over. You become society's bully.

Yeah, I take that high school or not even high school, probably like a primary school or middle school bully temperament of like, I'm the biggest guy here. I will punch you in the top of your head so that you go a bit into the ground and you're in the ground, buried from your waist down. You're unhappy with something the local council's doing? Go to a council meeting. Beat up your local member of parliament. Become the most powerful man in existence. It's hard to fear anything when you're big. Yeah.

It's hard to not fear anything that is big. Yeah, that's true. I'd be scared of you. I think you might be our new leader of the free world. Big douche. Big douche. He got big. He got big.

Yeah, I guess it shits you over being tiny and infinite death or whatever every year. Yeah, yeah. Infinite death. Being tiny was fucking stupid.

Reflect on your dreams. Nah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Get big, America. Yeah, get big, America. Fucking sort your life out, Jackson.