Plumbing the Death Star - Which Nintendo Character Would Make The Best Hero of Gotham? (LIVE)

Episode Date: July 23, 2017

In which our heroes lose their parents to a mugger in crime alley, eat a 1up mushroom for an extra life, and become a symbol of fear as we ask which nintendo character would make the best hero of Gotham?Want to help fundraise in aid of PSC Support? Just head over to sanspantsradio.podkeep.com and give what you can for a brand new D&D adventure! And if you’re wanting to know more about PSC Support, you can head here; http://www.pscsupport.org.uk.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pass Radio, your erotic ASMR boyfriend. enjoyed the episode. It's fine. You're worrying too much. I see you with that drink in your hand and I know that five minutes in you're going to be so annoyed that you have that drink in your hand. I am. No, no, no. Hey, Zamed, what's your trick now? I'm already annoyed at

holding this. I knew it was going to... That's why mine is on the floor. I'll have it afterwards. I'm a patient boy. Anyway, this is a great bit, but let's get into Plumbing the Death Star. Hey everyone, and welcome to a very special live edition of Plumbing the Death Star from Brisbane. Woo!

Where we ask the important questions like, which Nintendo character would make the best hero of Gotham? So, immediately I want to put out, he's big, he's green. King K. Rool. Oh, deep cut straight off the bat. Yeah, deep cut. So, who the hell is King K. Rool?

From Donkey Kong Country to 64, he was a big alligator, very fat, with a cape and a crown, who caused menace for the Kongs. By stealing their bananas. Yes. And putting them on a ship. All right, so first off, he's got a cape. That's good. That's a fucking great start.

Yep. He's stealing bananas. Yeah, but in this, he's the hero of Goth That's good. That's a fucking great start. Yep. He's stealing bananas. Yeah, but in this, he's the hero of Gotham. So there's no bananas being stolen. Oh, because I was going to say, then he's keeping the town of Gotham high in potassium. Or low in potassium if he's stealing it. Everyone's got sore muscles.

They can easily be beaten up, which is good because everyone in Gotham is criminal scum. But like, if he's stealing from dirty apes to give to the people of Gotham, that's pretty good. Then he's giving them bananas. I don't want to start a Kong-Gotham civil war. Civil war?

Just any kind of war with the Kongs and the Gothamites. I don't want that to happen. So for this, if he does have to steal bananas from Gotham, there's, I guess, a bit of a banana crime wave at the start where he gets all the bananas, everybody's low on potassium, then he cleans the streets up.

He's big, he's bulky, he's really good at organising things. Yeah, he is pretty good at organising. Because in every Donkey Kong game, he's got all the Kremlings, which are like the bad guys, working for him, stealing bananas as well. So, you know, he knows what he's doing, I guess is my point.

All right. How good is he at embezzling from his own company? Well, he doesn't have to be Batman, does he? Because I don't think King K. Rool has a company. But my barometer of what makes a good hero of Gotham is to follow the tenets of Batman, which is usually wearing a cape and stealing from your own company. Okay, well, he doesn't have a company because he's an alligator.

Okay, okay, okay. But he does, I guess, I mean, like, all the Kremlings kind of work from him, but I don't know if they have currency other than bananas. So good. So he works pretty cheap. Yeah, like... Works the bananas. And I guess because he works pretty cheap. Yeah, like bananas. And I guess because he's got henchmen, you know, and you could choose Bowser for this as well.

It's much the same. They police Gotham for it. I like that you're like, yeah, Bowser's exactly the same. Why would I pick someone that everyone would know when I can pick someone that barely anyone knows? Well, my reasoning was that King K. Rule has like alligator henchmenmen but Bowser has Goombas and a Goomba is not

going to stop a crime because you're just like admittedly a Goomba is a good enemy because if it kills you when you touch it my first instinct isn't going to be like I'm going to stand on this thing you don't know it kills, so like you're a bunch of New York gangsters Gotham gangsters

You see a Goomba, one of you picks it up and dies You're like, oh my god Alright, I change it to Bowser Bowser's better In fact, Goombas Just thousands of Goombas Best hero Gotham's ever had Just because like

Oh wait, no If you're going to go with minions That's just shy guys What does a shy guy do? You think about it, look at Gotham Just because like, oh, wait, no. If you're going to go with minions, shy guys. What does a shy guy do? Well, because you think about, look at Gotham, right? You've got like, say, a hundred of little shy guys floating around on clouds. Someone does a cry and they're like, whoop, with their little fishing rod.

Grab them, take them away. Into prison. Yeah, I mean, like that works. Drop them in the sea. Drop them in the sea. Like a reverse Mario Kart, where they're like, instead of getting you back on track, off the track. They take you off the track. Do something wrong.

Can I just choose a henchman? Because, like, how great for Koopas. You know that you get the Koopa, you smash the turtle out of it or whatever, and you just send the shell flying, and it knocks people down. They don't have a good sense of good and bad. They just sort of take out everyone. Are you saying that if Bowser picked up a Goomba, he'd die? I guess.

They do seem kind of mindless if they kind of walk around, which is why I reckon shy guys at least have a bit more of intelligence. And with a Koopa shell, that's going to take out thousands of innocent civilians. I was going to say, you imagine you're walking down the street, you see a giant turtle thing, you either accidentally somehow step on it or freak out and like, ah, kick it.

And then you're like, the shell comes back, you then kick it, it hits a bunch of civilians, bounces off a wall, comes back at you, you're like, what the fuck? And you get smacked. Dead. Dead.

Yeah, I guess the downside, or a con, to my trying, what the fuck? And you get smacked. Dead. Dead. Yeah, I guess the downside, or a con to my trying to be the hero of Gotham is that I'm just killing people. So there's no actual deterrent, just a lot of dead. Which is why I think shy guys are your better minion, because they're at least a little bit more precise.

Because if someone's doing a crime, they can just be like, oop. Dropping people in the sea is still murder. If they drown, that isn't... They don't have to be dropped in the sea. They can be dropped into Arkham. Whoop, whoop. You're just walking along, you just hear, whoop. You're like, oh, they got one.

That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good.

That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. God, it's nice that the city got cleaned up. Whoop. Yeah. No, but it's fucking Gotham, so you'd be lying in bed just hearing, whoop, whoop, whoop,

whoop. You'd be like, oh, my fucking God. When will it end? And like... The answer is it won't. Everyone's a criminal in Gotham. So you'd be lying in bed just hearing whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Oh my fucking god. When will it end? The answer is it won't. Everyone's a criminal in Gotham. And think about the Joker taking on a bunch of shy guys. You can't kill them all. He's going to be like whoop.

Got it. Any of Batman's villains, Killer Croc, whoop. Killer Croc, drop him in the ocean, he swims back to shore. I like that. Because that one's like you drop him in the ocean, he swims back to shore. I like that. Because Zabit's like, you drop him in the sea and they'll either die or swim back. And you're like, if they swim back, look, they can be criminals. Look, they survived the sea.

Imagine getting the penguin. Just wing. Off he goes. It's real easy. Riddler, riddle me this, shy guys, where is... Off they go. Also, I'd like to point out that I said hero of Gotham, not Batman,

so I like to imagine the situation Batman exists. Off he goes, embezzling from his company. Here's a problem, though. Ah, no capes. Well, no capes, like my boy King K. Rool. So the shy guys are just in kind of whoever. Because what is a crime for a shy guy? Like, do I get to dictate it when I'm like, we're cleaning up Gotham,

and the shy guy's like, all right, Jackson, well, what's a crime? And I'm like, well, these things are all offenses. Or are the shy guys just doing it willy-nilly and like, I don't know, like minor crimes. Somebody jaywalks in the sea. I don't want to be responsible for that. A car goes slightly off course. I feel like eventually I'm getting in trouble for that. Well, you say eventually like you wouldn't be like first five.

Like one of the first five people dropped in the sea, Jackson Bailey. All right, shy guys, go. My creation has turned on me. Why does this always happen? I think there wouldn't be a... I guess con is that there's a lot of them. Yeah. And I guess how are you policing them from being evil?

That's my point. Whereas with a Goomba, which is largely... It's just a mushroom. I just let a bunch of them loose and let God take its course. It feels like you just let a Goomba them all let God decide. That's my plan.

It feels like you're making now Gotham like you're introducing another problem kind of like a natural disaster. Gotham now just has Goombas. This sounds heaps like a plague. It does. Here's a terrible thought. Okay.

So Gotham, like you said, is very full of criminals. Everyone's a criminal. About 90%. So if I did introduce Goombas, the amount of people that died, whether or not they were a criminal or not, at the end, we end up net better. Do you know what I mean? Like a plague would probably be pretty good for Gotham

because then you end up with like 10% of the Gotham population and that's like 10% of the people, which is easy to control and then you make them good. Is there a Nintendo character that's the plague? I was thinking that. I don't think so. The viruses from Dr. Mario. Yeah, those guys.

They're probably a plague. Get everyone sick and then you get 10% of the population. You're like, be good. There's only 10% of you left. And then I fixed Gotham. That was the plan. One star out of five. A patented one...

A patented five star... Oh, no. Yes. Patented five star... Yeah, and I only got one? Yeah. For which of my, like, eight billion options? They're all not great.

They're all not heroes. They're all one stars. They're all one stars. What about the Goombas? That's definitely a one starstarers. They're all one-starers. What about the Goombas? That's definitely a one-star. Jesus. Shy Guys. That's what it would sound like up close.

You'd be like, oh, my God. I'll give you two for the Shy Guys. Yeah. All right. One and a half, I changed my mind. Okay. How about this? All right.

So from Pokemon. Yeah, it is. Ash. Ash. Yeah. A 10-year- Yeah, he is. Ash. Ash? Yeah. A ten-year-old child. A ten-year-old child. He can only get six criminals at a time. With a lot of Pokemon. Oh, with his Pokemon. Okay, so he's not just catching the criminals.

Gotta get him all. Penguin. Got him. Mr. Freeze. Got him. Get Penguin. Put it in your PC. Forget about it. No. Digital jail. Actually, that's fine. His idea's better. Ah! Wow. I thought I was winning with Goombas

and then you gave me Shy Guys. I'm going to give you a Pokeballs. Alright, so yeah, Pokeballs. So can I only catch... No, you can only have six on you, but you wouldn't want criminals on you. You put them all in the PC. Can I only catch ones that are sort of animal-based? How do Pokemon balls work?

I always assumed it was just a moral thing, the reason you didn't catch other people. And I always thought it'd be real scary if you're like, well, you try and catch a Diglett and a guy runs past. And then you're like, do I let him out of the Pokeball and face the potential legal consequences? Or do I enter a gym with my sweet new Pokemon? Gary! Gary, get him!

Yeah. Just opens a Pokeball and runs past you in the other direction. Brock or whatever is like, is that a fucking guy? Did you just summon a dude? The fuck did you do that? You're like, you know you can just put guys into Pokeballs. This changes everything. There's like no rules to it, Brock.

It's crazy. Then you catch Brock. Got him. Use Brock to fight your battles. Use Brock to fight Misty. Use Brock and Misty. Humans have no typing. But, yes.

So Pokeballs. I reckon Pokeballs is a pretty good hero of Gotham. The problem is that you have to... I mean, if you have a laptop on you... No, because you've got to put them in your PC so you can catch more criminals. But if you have your laptop on you, put them in a digital jail. Portable hard drive, mate.

Gotham.exe or whatever. Arkham.exe. Dolly. Yeah. No. Drop your laptop in a lake. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

That's it. There's Scarecrow, Mr Breeze and Joker. Whoopsie dais lake? Oh, shit. That's it. Scarecrow, Mr. Breeze and Joker. Whoopsie daisies. What happens if you put your Pokemon on a PC, yeah? Yeah. What happens if I drop that PC in a river? Or what happens if I just control C, control V? Yeah.

Do I double my Pokemon? That's good. What if I then got Gotham.exe and just copy that, right? Yeah. And then I have a whole bunch of criminals. What if I then just double or triple thee and just copy that, right? Yeah. And then I have a whole bunch of criminals. What if I then just double or triple the amount of jokers we've got? Then you're going to get zero stars for the question because that makes you a villain.

What's the purpose of that? Chaos. I know Gotham's really struggling with one joker. Yeah. What if we had five? Actually, how about this? Yeah. I put Batman in a

Pokeball. Copy him eight times. Eight Batmans. That's pretty good. A Bat family, all of Batman. If you were like Penguin and you were facing like you're in an alley doing crime or whatever and you turn around and you're like a ten year old boy and the Penguin's like,

and then you just throw out six Batmans he's going to be like, I just don't know what... Are you a Robin? What is happening to me? Because the thing is, with a Bat family, the problem there is that's like a weakness for Bruce Wayne. Yeah. Right? Because everyone's like, you can give me a Batman, but Robin's going to get it. And he's like, I've got to stop, man.

And a big thing for him was like, you know, either give up, you know, catch the Joker or whatever, or like sacrifice the family. Yeah, yeah. This one is like, well, that family, you're all fired. It's all me now. And he's just got himself to worry about. And if one of them dies, it's copy-paste. Man, how rough if you're a Robin and Batman's like, it's fine.

You can just go, I guess. I know I've raised you for ten years, but I've got six of me now. And like, let's be honest, Robin, one of me is better than two of you so like, six of me is better than one of you, right?

I really like the person in the crowd that was like oh, like, poor Robin leave Robin alone Grayson, no one, that's who Can Batman fire you? Like, is he paying us a wage? No, I don't think so But like, if I get

accepted into the bat family. Hasn't Batman adopted Dick Grayson? So I guess you just have to put him back up. Hey Dick Grayson, I have some bad news. I'm unadopting you. Gee willikers Batman! Go find a better family. But like

because not all of the bat family Oh, there's one person feeling so sorry for Robin in the crowd. That's great. Somebody's just being like, that poor fucking guy. He's an orphan. Oh, I should have done that before when I was holding the bottle that I hated. Yeah, you're an idiot. You want me to help?

No, I'm still drinking this. But the thing with the Bat family is that some of them aren't his actual family. He's adopted them. So like, say I get into the Bat family, right? I'm just that good a hero. Well, Barbara Gordon. All right, let's use her. She's definitely not related to him.

Could Batman be like, I'm just done professionally with you, Barbara. Well, he tries. And then they just keep fighting as themselves and they're like, I'm not affiliated with Batman. Or could then Batman then be like, I'm going to sue you. Is it a cease and desist letter?

Can you please stop using my iconography? I feel like Batman is an illegal entity. You know what I mean? I feel like. Well, they're using his brand. Like, if you fire Batgirl, right? How does Batman copyrighted the bat symbol? Because if he hasn't, why isn't every single year like, fuck it, I'm Batman.

Fuck you, Batman. There's actually anyone can be Batman. He hasn't copyrighted it. That's a real problem. If you want to I'm Batman. Fuck you, Batman. There's actually anyone can be Batman. He hasn't copyrighted it. That's a real problem. You know what, if you want to take down Batman, okay, different episode, but you want to take copyright as a bat symbol. Take Batman to court.

Guys, Batman, vigilantism is already illegal. Batman's already a criminal. You're not doing anything. Adding one more thing to the laws he's breaking doesn't bring down the Batman. It just makes him you know what it does? It does nothing. It just makes you look like a dickhead. Then it's like well

I guess vigilante is already a crime. Got me there. Batman's not going to be like oh man I better stop using this Batman brand otherwise I'm going to go to jail. Batman's not going to be like in the Batcave working on the Batcomputer. There's a knock on the door. Somebody comes in and they're like yeah it's a summons. You've got to go to jail. Yeah, you're right. Batman's not going to be in the Batcave working on the Batcomputer. There's a knock on the door. Somebody comes in.

They're like, yeah, it's a summons. You've got to go to court. How did you find him? Or then, all right, fine. I'll copyright the Bat symbol anyway. Start making sweet Batman merch and make profit off Batman. I'm sure. That's clever.

I mean, he'll probably just beat you up in the night. He might punch me in the face, but I'm like, what am I doing, Batman? I'm illegal. Yeah, that's true. That's true. But he's already a vigilante. Anyway, if you're Ash, catch him. And you somehow game the PC system of Pokemon, clone Batman

after you catch a man. That's a pretty good hero. If I then release my copied Batman from a Pokeball, is it just going to be like, Batman, Batman? Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman. That's scary.

I don't think it turns him into a Pokeball. Then you've got to put him down. You can't have that. You shoot that Batman right in the head. Some have the Batman. Batman, Batman, Batman. Okay. Only five more.

So then you just put the balls in the lake Yeah, exactly So like a Pokemon ride is wild Until you catch it And then it works for you So could you not just catch criminals to fight other criminals with? Well I guess, yeah So you go and catch a wild penguin And then you train him a bit

Give him balls and feed him treats or whatever Give him a haircut He'll love that. He'll love you so much. Oh, my God. So much love. What if he evolves? What are you doing?

What have you done? Give him a thunderstorm? Let's see what happens, Cobblepot. I'm a human being. Shut up, penguin. How about I eat this electricity rock? Open your gob and you throw it down, you rub his throat. I always thought if I had like Eevee, that's how I'd accidentally kill it.

Eat this grass rock. Oh, no. That was just a regular rock. That's not how it goes into the Pokemon body, not down the mouth. I'll get another one. Hey, Eevee, have this grass suppository. Ah, it happened again. It's dead.

But yeah, would you be able to make Mr. Freeze fight the Riddler? I guess if I've already trained him. That's good. That's a pretty good hero because you're turning Gotham against itself. Yeah. And something poetic about that. Yeah. Three stars.

Yeah, it's going to be three as well. Sick. Do you know what Gotham doesn't have? What's that? A big scary ape wearing a tie Yes Terrifying See that's terrifying

Like the Joker His whole thing is like madness But he can't like Nothing is madness in the face of a giant ape wearing a tie I do like the idea of the Joker throwing some of his laughing gas at Donkey Kong And just nothing changes If anything he just starts laughing That's terrifying Do you like the idea of the Joker throwing some of his laughing gas at Donkey Kong and just nothing changes? If anything, he just starts laughing.

That's terrifying. I thought there was madness in my eyes. Looking into the eyes of this very formal ape. I don't know what madness is. And he's got some of the same abilities as Batman. He can climb shit real good. That's true. And there's a lot of buildings in Gotham for that to climb. Plus, as we established in the Jackson Belly Spooks America,

you wouldn't know if a gorilla was on top of a building. So he's very sneaky. Donkey Kong stealth levels are so high. Through the fucking roof. I guess he blends in with the black night sky. Yes? Yes. I just... You're struggling there.

Ah, dang. I'd just like to point out that Zammett gave me the shit microphone when we swapped before, and I don't like that. All right, there we go. Sorted. Sorted. Oh, yeah, Donkey Kong's real strong, so his punches would hurt just as much as Batman's,

maybe more because he doesn't know what ape strength is. How big is Donkey Kong's head? It he doesn't know what ape strength is. How big is Donkey Kong's head? It's pretty small. Yeah, it is. I was imagining him just eating someone's head. Like, ump! And like, any kind of minions of like, say, you know, the Joker or Two-Face,

he'll just ground pound. Yeah. Just start slapping the ground, and then he's gonna, there you go. And he can live the double life of Bruce Wayne slash Batman. He's already wearing the tie. Take off the tie, go into a zoo, he's just a gorilla. I was imagining they're like, into the car, Mr. Kong.

Sits in the back of a limousine, not knowing what's going on because he's just an ape. Would you like a vodka tonic, Mr. Kong? Or you just like, Clark Kentic, Mr. Kong? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Or you just like Clark Kent it, give him some glasses. Yeah, he's going to blend right into like the formal events.

And then at night he goes out and fights crime because as much he doesn't understand. He knows justice. He's already got a ward. Diddy. He does, he's already got a robin. Diddy Kong is such a robin. Diddy Kong has guns. He's already got a robin. Diddy Kong is such a robin. Diddy Kong has guns. He's a red hood.

Not fair. Diddy Kong packs heat and that's really good. And he's got fucking Funky Kong which is basically like the Lucius Fox. That's right. He's already got a whole family. He's got a Kong family. He's got a Kong family. That's so many Kongs. You've got Lanky Kong who's

Stretchy I'm trying to think is there a Bat family That Kong's got a funny face I guess He's got no style though or grace Just doing DK64 rap lyrics He's live on stage Why not

Cranky Kong as someone pointed out He's Alfred Oh my god so it is on stage. Why not? Cranky Kong, as someone pointed out. He's Alfred. Cranky Kong is his Alfred. Oh my god, so it is. The Kong family would be alright. They would just replace the Bat family. I don't think any Batman villain is ready for

a very angry gorilla. Or an army of apes full stop. Gorilla Grodd. Gorilla Grodd. But Gorilla Grodd is probably like, come to Gorilla City. But imagine the Riddler. The Riddler being like, riddle me this. Ah! As an ape attacks him. He'd never get a riddle out before he was killed by a

gorilla. Not fair. Yeah, I definitely feel like Dong Yu's probably going to try and eat someone. Oh, absolutely. But like, because he doesn't have Batman's no killing rule because no gorilla does. That's scary. All gorillas rule because no gorilla does. That's scary. All gorillas are willing to kill you.

That's just nature. It's kind of like, imagine if the Bat family were all the Punisher. Yeah. But also apes. No, it wouldn't be the Punisher because the Punisher knows that killing is wrong. An ape has no knowledge that killing is a crime. Yeah. That's just jungle justice.

Exactly. Jungle justice. Jungle justice. That's just jungle justice. Exactly. Jungle justice. Jungle justice. That's just all it is. Jungle justice. JJ, double J, JJLA. Jungle Justice League of America. Is the Justice League of America going to let King, not King Kong, Donkey Kong into the Justice League, being that

he is, because imagine, yes, it's Donkey Kong here, but imagine if it was just an actual ape that started fighting criminals. Here's a philosophical question for you. Is that ape a superhero? Or is that ape just a problematic

ape? Alright, so we get an ape. Wait, before you go into whatever you're going into, I think there's an easy definition of if Donkey Kong is a superhero or not. Does he put on his own tie? Because if he is sentient enough to put on his own tie, that's a superhero.

If he can't, then that's just an ape. But some apes just like put leaves on their heads for shits and giggles. That's not tying a tie. Maybe it's a slip-on. Is it a double Windsor? I feel like it's a clip-on because you never see it around the back of his head.

He just clips it onto his skin. So I would argue that he's not clever enough. He just clips it on and it's just fucking God's good graces that he gets it in the sand. He doesn't just have a tie on his shoulder or whatever. But after that many times there's probably indentations of that clip.

He remembers where the tie goes. Painful. Okay, not a superhero. Yeah. Unless that ape knows the criminal justice code. Okay. Because if that ape is out there stopping crime, then it knows what crime is.

There was a Superman chimp. Super chimp, yes. Super chimp. Bubble's a super chimp? No, that was MJ. That's Michael Jackson's chimp. He wasn't a super chimp. No, that was just a chimp. That's just the world's most pam super chimp? No, that wasn't MJ. That's Michael Jackson's chimp. He wasn't a super chimp. No. That was just a chimp.

That's just the world's most pampered chimp. Yeah, at that point. And a sad story. Very sad. I think they're making a movie about that chimp soon. An autobiography.

An autobiography. An autobiography. As written by Bubbles the pampered ape. Wait. I'll see it. I'm looking forward to it. Opening day. So Superman has had a chimp in the past that must have, you know, known crime.

Welcome. Somebody's been sitting there being like, God, maybe they sent us a request. Please mention Bubbles. No, wait, wrong chimp. Please mention Super Chimp. Yeah. DK's a very good hero of Gotham.

Yeah. I think he could live the double life of, like, when he's a formal or informal chimp. Absolutely. And plus he comes with a whole family. That's a very, I'm giving that four stars. I think that's a four star-er. Four stars.

Four stars. All right. Did you try and start a chant? No. Okay. I was worried because four stars. I think that's a four star-er. Four stars. Did you try and start a chant? There's only two of us and I'm not going to champion my own idea. I totally would. Four stars. Four stars. You reckon you could top that? So, I mean he's a bit dirty for

Gotham. A bit dirty for Gotham. But Wario, your boy, where again? Because Wario, unlike nearly every other Nintendo character, has lived in a city. His advantage is

that he knows what a city is. Yes! But if you think about it, that's an actual advantage. I guess. Shy guys don't live in cities, so you take them to a city, they're shocked. Oh yeah, well they're someone they just might like into a building.

They don't know what they're doing. Donkey Kong lived in a jungle. Which is, I mean, a city is just a concrete jungle, surely. But dreams are made from. I mean, I guess. But my point is that Wario also comes with a car, a bike, the ability to eat people, which I think we established with Donkey Kong is fairly important.

I can have a car and a bike and don't eat people. Not eating people. Plus, he's got no scruples or morals, so he's willing to get dirty. And also... I guess it's not the hero that Gotham needs, it's the hero that Gotham needs. It's the hero that Gotham deserves. And I guess they do kind of deserve someone who's a little dirty.

Exactly, like your boy Wario. Plus, Wario, unlike the other ones we've suggested, looks like a human, right? But little. Wario's not big. Yeah, which is scary. He's kind of big and wide. Imagine if you saw a person with the dimensions of Wario's not big. Yeah, which is scary. He's kind of big and wide. Imagine if you saw a person with the dimensions of Wario in real life. Like, stomping towards you, jumping on a cigar like,

Looks like you've been doing crimes in this city. You're like, oh, my fucking God. I'm about to die. Imagine there's like a knock knock At the iceberg lounge The doors open up and in walks Wario In walks Wario with a bat Someone with their kneecaps shattered

And yeah Wario's not going to use a gun Because it's too impersonal Wario uses a sack full of pennies That's how he He fights crime Yeah someone gonna die today. That's not That's like saying the mafia fight crime.

They fight, in a way. They fight other crime. I mean, it's still crime though. Well, Batman's a vigilante. Isn't that a crime? Gotham has a strong history Here's your words. Throw them in your face. Of crime fighting crime. And Wario is a crime against humanity and nature

and also commits crimes. Yes. So he's the ultimate crime to fight the crime. I don't think that the Joker would know what to do if Wario rocked up, was like, crashed his bike into the Joker's lair, ate his bike, did a massive fart, blew a giant hole in the wall,

which is Wario's basic go-to move. That sounds fucked, but that's like Wario's just like, yeah, I fart. Blows holes in shit. That's just who I am. I'm pretty good. I'm not even making this up. In every video game Wario's in, a fart is just a move. In the new Super Mario Kart, his horn

is a fart sound. That's fucked. He's based his whole personality around flatulence. That's sort of sad if you think about it. He's like at least 40, surely. It's kind of like, oh, fuck, it's like an Adam Sandler movie now. Here's a weird off-topic, sort of on-topic. What age do we think all of the Mario characters are? How old is Mario Mario?

Mario Mario is like... 45. No, I was going to say like 35. He's quite youthful, actually. Okay, let's go 32 for Mario. Really? Oh, wait. Him and Luigi are twins, aren't they?

Yeah. Are they twins or brothers? Brothers. Brothers. Definitely not twins. Pretty sure. We got one person saying fraternal twins. And someone saying something

something taller. Just because someone's taller doesn't mean they aren't both twins. That's very possible. Luigi's adopted. I would say brothers. Fucking hell. And one day Mario's going to go up to Luigi. You're adopted.

Get out. If you can find something, I'm firing you. Categorically, I'm better than you, Luigi. Fuck off. It's more like Luigi comes back from fucking ghost hunting a mansion and all of his shit's out the front. Mario's like, I've been a doing

of the math and it's actually better for me if you're just not a part of my life. Well, one of me is worth at least a point to five of you. So we're like, I got a Donkey Kong. We made up. He's not like

a full-on ape. I may have stolen, you know, his grandpa, but we made up. It's fine. But Mario, I jump real high. Also, you were sleepy, though. I'm so sleepy. You're a very sleepy boy. Anyway, the ages

of Mario and his friends. 32 for Mario, 25 for Luigi. 45 for Wario. Waluigi, 28. Waluigi, 19. So a 45-year-old hanging out with a seedy 19-year-old. It's a very wrong relationship.

80. Peach, 30. Daisy, 25. Bowser, 100. Six. It was a good period of time where Bowser just wasn't interacting with everyone. Donkey Kong 4. He is a gorilla.

He is a gorilla. That's fair. So how many stars are we giving me for your boy Wario? Well, I mean, it depends because Hero of Gotham. But it's a hero they deserve. So by my rating, one, but Hero they deserve maybe a five. Gotham's a trash heap. Well, let's meet in the middle and call it three

Yeah alright I'll call it three I'll take it How about an actual hero this time A hero of time Link Can't talk Nobody knows what he wants.

Everyone was like, oh? And then I said Link, and they went, oh. Who were you thinking? You know, hero of the time. Zelda. Waluigi. Now I'm just playing Zelda with Waluigi in my mind, and I hate it. His legs are so long.

He couldn't ride Epona. His legs are just dragging. Let's go ride a pony. His legs are just dragging. Let's go, horsey. Oh, no. You know when you're trapped in the Lon Lon Ranch and you just feel like, I'm going to step over this. How have I got to this? It's fine.

Can't talk. Can't talk. Comes into the Iceberg Lounge. Penguin's like, what? He's just like, sword. I mean, I guess. That't talk. Comes into the iceberg lounge. Penguin's like, what? He's just like, sword. I mean, I guess. That's violence. That's too much violence. Potentially. You can't just kill a man.

Alright. How about Zelda? Better. Has magic. She can talk. That's true. Has ruled a kingdom. Good at disguises. Very good at disguises. He's a ninja. That's true, can talk. Has ruled the kingdom. Good at disguises. Very good at disguises. Is a ninja.

Is a ninja. Ooh, Zelda's pretty good. But is busy. Very busy. Very busy. And then, like, Ganon will come into the Gotham. Yeah, Zelda will come. But is Ganon, like, better or worse than, like, a Joker?

Well, he becomes a big pig sometimes. Yeah. Joker don't do that. And Zelda often doesn't. Sometimes. Zelda rarely gets kidnapped by Ganon. Usually she's like, I'm doing a thing to help you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To prevent Ganon from doing a thing. Yeah, if we take, if we make Zelda the hero of Gotham, does that mean Link's just fucked? Yeah, 100%. He's just not getting any help whatsoever. Because, yeah, I mean, like, you're right. No, Luigi and Mario are twins

Well there you go Fraternal twins Mario and Luigi But clearly it's like I'm a Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito twins You know if you want to remake a Mario film live action just twins

Just do twins again. It's so weird. This is a total side note, but it's so weird to think that in the nineties, I was like, the super Mario brothers will make a great live action film. Yes. What part of a video game are you like on?

What's that in a movie? He jumps real good. Yep. It's kind of, I think they designed the movie and then they're like, this has nothing to do with the game. How about we make jumping a thing? And then they're like, this has nothing to do with the game. How about we make jumping a thing?

And then they did, and it was an amazing film. I would very much like, you know, you get those behind the scenes of ridiculous movies that happen. I don't understand somebody looking at Bowser and being like, what if he was just a guy? What if it was just Dennis Hopper? What if we made him Dennis Hopper and said, everyone's like, gold, gold, write that down. Going back to Twins, though,

I don't know how you sell that Dane DeVito. You know what I mean? It's kind of like, all right, so we're going to get a movie, and you're going to play the brother of Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he's going to be this amazing epitome of human greatness. But we need the opposite of that, a basic human garbage heap. Can you play this role? And Dane DeVito is like, yes.

I know. I can play this role. Dane DeVito is basically like a real-life Wario, though. I mean, like, look at him. If you were casting a Mario film, you'd want Danny DeVito. Oh, my God, yes. I would love to see Danny DeVito even photoshopped with just that spiky moustache Wario has.

But I think with twins, like, if they came to me and they were like, in the 90s, mind, they were like, Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the epitome of human, you know, a human being andger is going to be the epitome of human you know a human being and you're going to be the opposite I'd cop that because I think most people were as compared to like Arnold Schwarzenegger or you could just play

it like just like play it on your own like if someone came to me I'd be like oh yeah Austrian English that is the opposite I guess good choice guys no no no it's because you're fat dumpy and balding no no it's because you're you're fat dumpy and balding no no it's because i'm english good choice sign me up sign me up don't tell me otherwise my ego needs this uh but no link no zelda yes zelda yeah zelda's good with a bow yeah that's pretty good but like

there's lots of versions of her ah how often is often is Zelda actually out there like in the thick of it though? I can give you video games that she's in where she's in the thick of it. That's good. But it's not very exciting for me to list things. Let's just go with the newest one, Breath of the Wild, where all she's currently doing is sacrificing herself to stop the big bullshit from happening. So she'd be very good for Gotham.

She's like one off to fight the demon bat maybe. And hang on. Actually, if she starts doing what she's doing in the current one where she fights the demon bat head on, all the problems that Gotham face is all coming back to the demon bat. And now if she's being like, well, I'm going to distract him and basically distract the demon bat for so long, hopefully then someone else will come and stab the demon bat.

For those not in the know. Yeah, I was going to say, you were looking, literally everyone looks very confused. All right. So. Under Gotham, there is a demon bat called Barbados that's trying to make Batman, and that's why all the Batman's villains are the way they are.

That's canon in the comics. That wasn't my decision. There's literally a demon bat that lives underneath Gotham that's like, I'm creating versions of Batman. It's called Barbados, because fuck. Comics are beautiful. Why not?

I guess Zelda, I just can't see her getting like, not getting her hands hands dirty but Zelda's dealing with like these large world ending events not like Joker's skinned 20 people Zelda's just going to be like fuck that's intense so

it depends which Zelda which is not that exciting for me to say I'll call it a 3, 4, I'll call it a 4 5, 5 I'll call it a three. Four. I'll call it a four. Five. Five. I'll call it a five. A three it is.

A three. Oh, boy. All right. Final suggestion. Yes. And look, I think I'm on to a winner here. I'm excited. Everyone in Gotham, not that fast.

Captain Falcon, real fast. Captain Falcon, going to catch crime literally. So Captain Falcon, but like he just gets in his, whatever it's called, the Falcon mobile. Blue Falcon. So it just drives around the streets hitting everyone. Jumping out Falcon Punch into jail. So for those of us who don't know what Captain Falcon is,

he's just imagining a Falcon in a nice suit. A Falcon that has risen in the ranks of the American military. So Captain Falcon is in Super Smash Brothers. That's all I know him from. He was in a racing game called F-Zero. He is a racing car driver from the future. He dresses like a superhero already. That's true.

In Smash Bros, he's famous for his Falcon Punch, which is a really charged up flaming fist, basically. Again, very superhero-like. I feel like as well. He's also very, very, very fast. Sounds like a better Iron Fist, to be honest. Everything's a better Iron Fist, Zammett, because have you seen that series? Am I right?

Anyway, what were you saying? It's trash. Captain Falcon could get to every one of Batman's villains. Look at me wobbling around here. He could get to every one of Batman's villains. Look at me wobble it around here. He could get to every one of Batman's villains and just Falcon Punch them. That's sorted really. Would any of the villains survive a Falcon Punch? I reckon even

if they could they're not going to do whatever they were doing again. Like all you human ones they're gone. So Joker you're gone. Penguin done. Caved in skulls. They're gone. Killer Croc, he might take maybe two Falcon Punches, but after that, gone.

Actually, wait. A Falcon Punch takes a while to charge up, doesn't it? It's like, Falcon Punch. Not Falcon. You can just shoot him. Falcon. Then just kneecap him. Yeah, but also like... It's great to imagine you kneecap him.

It's great to imagine you kneecap him but he can't stop the punch. He's like, punch the ground. Get them in the ankles. If someone runs up to you and starts yelling Falcon, are you expecting a giant flaming fist in the head? No, I'm expecting a Falcon. He's like, Falcon? I'm like, where? And then I get bang. expecting a falcon. He's like, falcon? I'm like, where?

And then I get... Bang! Oh! What a great point! So I guess maybe you'll get the first four villains, and then after that, word will spread. I think if you want a fast hero, why not go for Sonic? I know he's Sega, but he's in Smash Bros. once.

I guess you got me there. He's real zippy, but he's in Smash Bros. once. I guess you got me there. He's real zippy, that's all I'm saying. Plus, he's hard to shoot. There's no rings in Gotham, so he's fucked if anyone touches him. You just shoot him once, and all the rings come out, and he's like, I gotta collect these. What about Shadow?

He carries a gun sometimes. He's fast and has guns. And a car. He's got and has guns. And a car. He's got the best of Wario and I guess the Punisher. And I'm pretty sure there's like watermelon in Gotham and that's what he collects. Does it?

That's another deep cut. Seagull, what were you doing? Yeah, I mean, Shadow's fine. But I really would be sad if we finished on Shadow the Hedgehog. Ah, Pac-Man. Pac-Man!

If we just throw it at everyone that was in Smash Bros. Pac-Man, he'll eat them. Done. Waka, waka, waka, waka. Ah! He doesn't discriminate between ghosts and villains. The Wii Fit Trainer. Barely all right.

Get everyone in shape. Mr. Game & Watch. Scary. Make them eat sausages. Oh, no. Mr. Game and Watch Scary 2D Make them eat sausages Oh no Mr. Game and Watch is a good one Why? Because he's 2D

So he'd be like a moving shadow in Gotham Yeah but he looks goofy That's scarier I wouldn't be afraid I'd be like that's silly And then you'd kill me And then you'd get hit with a hammer I liked Pac-Man

Pac-Man? Because imagine you're doing shady doc deals, and you just hear like a, waka, waka, waka, waka. Waka, waka, waka, waka, waka, waka, waka. Hey, you hear that? Waka, waka, waka, waka, waka, waka. Waka, waka, waka, waka, waka.

And you shoot him once, and you're like, got him. He's like, waka, waka, waka, waka. And then he just comes back. He had another guy. I guess he had another life. Uh-oh. And then get it. Yeah, exactly.

What happens to you then? Well, you go to the little box room. Which is Arkham. You get sent to Arkham, but as a ghost. Wait, Pac-Man's only good when he eats the blue pill, though. Otherwise, you can just get it. So we just got to goof him up on blue pills and send him into Gotham. And just hope it doesn't run out

by the time that he's found the criminals. So we got to make a beeline to Breaking Bad's house, Walter White, and be like, do you have any of that sweet blue meth? Let's just get Pac-Man whacked out of his head on meth. Let him loose in Gotham. Eats everyone. That's the perfect fucking plan.

Waka, waka, waka, waka, waka, waka. Wait, more like wah. No, it's meth. But then there's a death. Actually, I've got one last one. This is one that we haven't considered. Alright, so who usually gets robbed in Gotham? Just everyone?

Yeah, but also who are really big victims in Gotham? Just everyone? Yeah, but also like, who are like really big victims in Gotham? And in comic books in general? Bank tellers? Bank tellers and maybe just your average blue collar worker goes to work trying to make a dime. Or potentially maybe damsels in distress. Okay. Damsels in distress.

Happens. And someone spoiled my choice, but I'm going to build for it. I didn't even hear him. Good. Good. All right. Now imagine if you went to go rob a damsel in distress, and then all of a sudden she pulled out a turnip out of the ground and threw it at you and then hit you with a golf club.

I'd be shocked. I'd be like, where'd you get the giant turnip? Why'd it hit me in the face? Why does it hurt? Are there just turnips everywhere underneath? Where did you hide that golf club? I have several questions, and they've only just met. My choice is Peach.

Princess Peach. I like that because one of her moves in Smash Bros. is she holds Toad in front of her. So if you put a gat on her, she just pulls out Toad. And he's a 70-year-old man. As we previously established. He's so old.

But there's lots of them. Yeah. Oh, no. Okay. Plus she works out. She works out. She does tennis. She does all the games.

Soccer? Soccer. Knows how to drive a cart. She's also can float. Like when she jumps, she's got such like floatiness. Yeah. I like the difference between like Batman's really epic,'s really epic he jumps off a building and he's like with her little umbrella.

No, but even with her dress she floats. Oh, she does too. Now that's cool again. She's got heaps of outfits. That's true. And also the Joker is prepared for a lot of things, but he's not expecting to get hit in the face with a frying pan, which is also one of Peach's go-to moves.

Actually, I think kind of Joker would expect to hit with a frying pan. What about a golf? What if she was like frying pan, which is also one of Peach's go-to moves. Actually, I think Joker would expect to hit with a frying pan. What if she was like frying pan, golf club, tennis racket? That would confuse me. Golf club, frying pan, tennis racket, turnip. Gotcha.

Joker goes to stab her, pull out her toad. Oh no! It's really sad to imagine a toad dying and be like, oh no! I'm sorry, toad. Oh no! Whilst Peach is very good, I feel weirdly we're missing the average

one of the mill lad from Nintendo. Yeah, he's Mario. Mr. Nintendo himself. Yeah. That's what his friends call him. Not only is he just average at everything, but he also has special hats. That's true.

Like how Batman has a utility belt, Mario has basically that, but better. He can be a metal lad. He can be a raccoon boy. He can be a cat man. Have the hats on a belt, leap in the sky with your flying hat. When you're over the Joker, put on your metal hat. Squish him flat.

Dead Joker. Also, like, actually, one thing we didn't even consider when we were talking about Nintendo characters is power-ups. Mario's got fucking stacks. He can be big. He can shoot fire at people. He can be big and shoot fire at people. So, like, him being big puts him about the same size as Donkey Kong.

Bigger. Bigger than Donkey Kong? Sometimes he gets bigger than Donkey Kong. Actually, yeah, there's like the giant, giant mushroom where he's like crushing buildings. He just walks through everything. Fuck. Level Gotham.

What it deserves. True hero. That's what I was saying. Kill 90% of them. 10% build it up butter. Mario has morals as well, so he probably wouldn't do the terrible things you guys are suggesting, which makes him a good hero.

And he's a plumber, so if Gotham has a plumbing problem, i.e. kill a crock, go down there, get rid of it. Imagine him on a toilet, plunge, plunge, plunge, plunge, kill a crock. With a fire. It's a me.

And he comes with his own ward. Luigi. That's true. He's got a Bat family, the Mario family. He can have a Mario party in Gotham and everyone's fucked. He's got a Batmobile. Yoshi. Terrifying.

If you're driving a car full of, I don't know, illegal, toxic waste, and Yoshi's like, I'm pulling over. Do you know what the worst part about Yoshi as a car is? He can eat things. He can eat your car. He can eat you.

He can eat you, mate. Then you're an egg. And then you get thrown at your mate. Oh, God. Weirdly, because Yoshi how he eats things. Yeah. Kirby. Because he could just eat people and then become them,

like use their powers. Yeah, but they don't die, do they? No, they turn into stars. Well, that's kind of beautiful. It's kind of very nice. When we die, Jackson, I like to think we all become stars. We all become stars. As someone once said, we're all just stars.

Exactly. Kirby is the literal interpretation of that idea. Ah, so he goes to the Joker, like, shits him out. Joker's now stardust. Now Kirby's insane. Shit. Okay. Oops, oops, oops.

New problem straight off the bat. I'm sorry. I fucked up. We now have a psychotic Kirby. Ah, jeez. You know what I thought out of the psychotic Kirby? Mario and his friends. Kirby, I'll just eat him, turn him into an egg, throw him into the sea. Perfect.

That's one way to solve all of your problems. Turn them into an egg, throw them into the sea. Why is throwing the criminals in the sea? We're like, what the fuck do you do with criminals? Prison? I don't think so. The ocean? Yeah. Survive the sea.

King Shark, that's it. Maybe kill a croc. Harlequin, put her in the ocean. She fucked. Yeah, that's true. And also, for some reason in my head, putting people in the ocean is better than killing them. Is it because in your head you're like,

they have a fighting chance if they can swim good enough? I think it's mostly that like, hey, I'm not doing a bad thing. They could survive. It's on them if they die. You've become the scarecrow judge. Or just Batman. Just Batman as a guy. If you can walk across this thin ice and come back to Gotham,

you're innocent. No, but he's also just Batman. Because Batman's like, I'm going to break both your legs, leave you in this alley. You might bleed out. I'll be gone. I'm so glad I didn't kill that guy. My hands are clean.

Yeah, they're all dickheads. I guess. So who... Out of that rapid fire. Who is the best Nintendo hero of Gotham? I like Mario and his family. That's wholesome. Like in Mario Party.

Yeah, Mario Party is the best hero of Gotham. Because, like, every one of their flaws... Oh, wait, you get Bowser. And Wario! No! Yay! No. You get Donkey Kong, tooio! No! Yay! No. You get Donkey Kong too.

Hey, that's alright. Not only... So I guess all of our choices, except your garbage link one, are won in the Mario Party. Yeah. So Mario Party is the hero that Gotham... Deserves. Deserves and needs and is...

And is gonna get. Because we're penning the new DC. Imagine. Fired. This is our idea. Is that Mario? I have a crazy idea. You guys, you're owned by Nintendo, yeah?

Right? Yeah. I'm just fired. So I think, yes, Mario Party I think is a good solution. Yep. Or Ash. Both involve putting

criminals in the sea, so both have my vote. Let's take it to the audience I guess. Yep. Alright. Clap if you think that Ash is the hero that got them... What was the question? Couldn't tell you, mate. We started talking about best twins for a while.

Best Nintendo character would make the best hero of Gotham. Yes. Clap if you think that Ash would make the best hero of Gotham. That's not bad, but I don't think he's got... No, I mean... And now clap if you think that Mario Party would be the best hero of Gotham. Mario Party, have it.

Mario Party, it is. Wildcard choice, Donkey Kong. Yeah! Winner, winner! DK, DK, DK! Yeah, I am not good at starting chants. No, not bad at it. I tried.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Thank you so much for coming to our first ever Brisbane show. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at sanspantsplus.com and get early access to our shows,

a bunch of exclusive content and much, much more. That's sanspantsplus.com.