Plumbing the Death Star - Which One of the Plumbing Boys Would Best Be Consumed by the Symbiote?

Episode Date: October 2, 2016

In which our heroes fuse with an alien, become a goo monster, and give Spiderman the business as we ask which Plumbing Boy would make the best symbiote? We wonder why Spiderman doesn’t just carry a bell with him at all times, try to figure out which symbiotes are alive and cops, and explain hospices. Zammit struggles to find a crime worth eating someone for, Duscher learns how to smell the dying, and Jackson just flips the script and ruins the symbiotes life. So get in touch with your dark side, learn to eat human beings, and then eventually go to space. Also watch Roseanne.Want to help put a dvd copy of Roseanne season 1 in every house? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can begin shipping then off.In Melbourne and want to see the Plumbing Boys live? You can purchase your tickets right here https://www.trybooking.com/NIPH.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/ and check out the subreddit over at reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, make them go ah, ah, ah, as you shoot across the sky, aye, aye. Hey everyone, just before the show starts, I'd just like to let you all know that we did it. Plumbing the Death Star survived their first ever Sydney trip, and to celebrate, we'll be doing a live show back in our home state of Melbourne on November 4. That's right, Plumbing the Death Star live homecoming tour with added spooks. November 4 at the Eureka Hotel in Melbourne Tickets are available in the show notes below Or if you head to our Facebook page

You'll find an event Click attending, buy 10 tickets And see you and 9 of your mates there It's sure to be a spectacular night Full of spooks and laughs And more spooks and stories about how Sydney Almost ruined us We look to see you there.

Killed it. Leave all this in, Zamit. Enjoy the show. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, which one of the plumbing boys would best be consumed by the symbiote? Consumed by the symbiote? All of us. We're all easy to eat. I thought it was more of a parasitic relationship. Yeah, I thought it was which Plumbing Boy would fuse the best. I guess be eaten.

Me? Me? Are guess we eat meat? Are we arguing for ourselves? I'm the most delicious. I'm the tastiest. Look at this marbled fat meat. I eat a whole bunch of leeks,

so I taste better. I will consume nothing but acorns for a month, so that I am the tastiest for this symbiote. What do cows eat? Grass? I'm gonna eat heaps of grass. That'd be mad. No, what I meant was metaphorically consumed. Like corrupt.

Okay. I like how evil consumes people. It doesn't eat them. They're not like, you've become a bad bloke, you got hair. It's like Flash Thompson Yeah Flash Thompson

Because he's now the Current symbiote boy And they're fused They're like Because they went to the Symbiote planet And was like Mate you're such a sick cunt

That they just fuse so good Because the symbiote's Like a power of good Every time The symbiote powers Are something that's bad It's bad But you guys are like

Insane It's all about getting that good shit. So we're the opposite of that. Yeah. Well, how come that doesn't work with Spider-Man then? Because Spider-Man's a cunt. Yeah. Spider-Man's just a bully, mate.

He's mean. He's real mean. He's mean, he's rude, he won't grow up. He's rude to his elders. I like that he's nice too. He's like, Peter, would you like a sandwich? And Peter's like, get fucked on.

You're not my real mom. I'll fucking slap you good. I'm going to flood the bathroom. But he's real rude to the vulture. And that's literally an old, old man. Everybody should, like, the vulture is the kind of villain where you're like, this is not a superhero problem. This is a government problem. Cat team problem.

This is maybe the nursing home's problem. Somebody put Vulture away. Agent Holmes has escaped again from his home. We need to go get a big net and catch him. Well, okay, so what is... When a symbiote fuses with somebody, what makes it not work? When does it fuck up?

Not being Flash Thompson. Yeah, well, I know Flash Thompson, he's having a sick time, but Venom's doing okay. Well, it doesn't really work on Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3 because he rejects it eventually. Yeah, well, I know Flash Thompson, he's having a sick time, but Venom's doing okay. Well, it doesn't really work on Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3 because he rejects it eventually. He throws it off a bell tower. It depends what kind of... How often are we around loud

noises? Yeah, it's loud noises like sonic noise and flame. So none of us are firefighters. That's lucky. Tick one. No. No, sorry. I made a face like I was thinking about whether or not I'm a firefighter. I'm not. But I was trying to figure out how often I run really intense gigs.

You go to concerts a lot. You'd be at the concert and it'd come out and eat everyone and you'd be like, yeah, okay. Loud noises, I hate it. Oh, yeah. No, actually, yeah. Loud noises, I'm fucked. Even at work, like at the cinema. Cinema's allowed sometimes.

Do you get to choose your new name when you bond yeah I'm gonna be Grumbles Sergeant Grumbles yeah Venom, Carnage and Sergeant Grumbles Venom, Carnage

Toxin he's a lad he's the cop one isn't he I love him he's my favourite symbiote see that one there's Anti-Venom

Anti-Venom who can cure cancer I don't know it's been a while since I've... But chooses not to? Is that the one that turns people into dinosaurs? That's Sauron.

There's nothing more villainous than having the ability to cure cancer and not. I know Sauron makes dinosaurs, but how funny would a villain who just can, but they're like, do it. No. No. No. Not for me. Put you in jail.

Okay. Not good. Punch me up. Punch me up. As long as cancer's not being cured, I don't care. Well, technically, me. Put you in jail. Okay. Okay. Punch me up. As long as cancer's not being cured, I don't care. Well, technically, like, Elixir or Angel could have cured cancer at one point. I think I'd fuse the best with the symbiote, because I think my moral code aligns with the symbiote.

Eat cunts. Mess up New York. Hassle Spider-Man's day. Yeah, those are the three things you love. Those are the three pillars of Jackson Bailey. If we can be like, all right, what does a symbiote want in life? Yeah. Eat cunts, fuck up New York, and hassle Spider-Man's grapes.

You got it in the bag. I can do all of those three things. Yeah. You know? Because I think I would have a problem with eating man flesh. I don't know. Dusha? It's a question. I like ham.

And apparently human flesh kind of resembles pork. Yeah, which is a kind of ham. And ham and pork come from the same animal. That is correct. I really like ham and cheese sandwiches. Plus, I feel like if you're a symbiote man,

you don't notice the taste. Oh, in that case, what else? I don't think you do, do you? I mean, it's a symbiote's tongue. Yeah, it's a symbiote's long tongue, so I think you're okay. But it's near your tongue, so I'm assuming it would... Wait, do I have two tongues now?

Well, you've got a tongue and the symbiote's got a tongue. Is your tongue inside the symbiote's tongue a tongue is your tongue inside this yeah is it like a slip-in maybe like is it like a sock but sometimes when you see the symbiote like you know move away is where its eyes are your eyes are so i like that you said is it a slip-in as though in this reality that was the thing we're like uh is your tongue a slip-in or is it just built in um yeah so i feel like if your tongue a slip-in? Or is it just built in? Yeah, so I feel like if your tongue's inside the symbiote's tongue, you're not tasting the... Does that mean it goes into the symbiote's stomach or your stomach? But it's a symbiote, so there's a parasitic relationship, correct?

It consumes you. It would kind of... I guess you would taste man flesh. No, I don't mind. I was like complaining. That's fine. That's okay. I think you're the most...

But I'm going to end up like carnage yeah you know carnage with butch cassidy or whatever cassidy jones cletus cassidy yeah because he they get unhinged and it doesn't work out well yeah but he was already unhinged that was the thing carnage carnage unhinged no you know cletus cassidy is that his name cletus cassidy yeah that's all cassidy cletus that's not a name that ain? Cletus Cassidy, yeah. Cassidy Cletus. That's not a name. That ain't no one's name. Yeah, it's Cletus Cassidy. The red-headed lad. He was already in a mental home because he killed, like, everyone when he was young.

Yeah. I think he killed his pa or his ma. Yeah, but wasn't Carnage also, like, a mean symbiote? No. Yeah, well, I guess that's because he's got Cletus Cassidy in him. Exactly. So does the symbiote just not have a personality? It does, but I think it not have a personality uh it does

but i think it's kind of like it's brought into yours yeah because there was one in one comic the symbiote takes over tyrannosaurus rex that's real good yeah and it's just like record shit in the desert somewhere i think there's a comic i saw a panel from this the other day and i there was no words around it so i don't know this is this is for sure. But what it looked like is Red Hulk got taken over by a symbiote and then became a ghost rider. Like it happened all at once. In quick succession. So he became a Hulk symbiote ghost rider.

Yeah. He's on like a massive quad bike. Yeah. He's flaming. So Hulk. Hulk. With a flaming skull. And symbiote skin. With symbiote, ghost rider. Yeah. He's on like a massive quad bike. Yeah. He's flaming. So Hulk. Hulk. With a flaming skull. And symbiote skin.

With symbiote skin. Yeah. On a quad bike. How did that happen? Sick. I don't know. How did he become a ghost rider? He had to become the spirit of vengeance.

I hope that he just then went on like, got to collect them all. So he was like, hey, Doctor Strange, give me a cape. Sick. Chucks that on. I got to get them all. What else? What else? Chucks on his arms.

Chucks them on. Why not? Become the herald of the Galactus yeah go Galactus I wanna be your new boy also Galactus I wanna be you let me eat planets I'm everything

I am the Marvel Universe I'm surprised Marvel haven't done that well I have someone who is the Marvel Universe I think they do because it fucks the DC Universe

at one point to make amalgam comics yeah amalgam comics. Yeah, amalgam. Fix your riddle, dude. Gotcha good. Yeah, I hate that. I hate that a lot.

So if Zalmat is having a problem eating man flesh. I think yes. And me and you aren't. Also, also killing. Like, there's that line where you're like, I just got to eat some random lads. Because if you go from, say, the ultimate Spider-Man, where it's Eddie Brock also gets it, and it was, I think it was, actually, going back to curing cancer,

it was Eddie Brock's dad and Peter Parker's dad were designing something to cure cancer, which ended up being the symbiote. And I think it just feeds on the adrenal glands. Oh, okay. Man, I hate that. And then so Eddie Brock got it, and then he just like, it's almost like a Forrest Gump,

where he's like just chatting to people on a bus stop. Yeah. But then each panel, you're realizing it's a different person. He just keeps eating them. Oh, man. So I think I have a problem with eating people. Yeah, but does that mean... And not just eating them, killing them as well.

Well, yeah. And I mean, I guess, you know, like, I'm not a complete monster. I mean, I... Look, the easy solution... I wouldn't be happy about it. Eat babies. Because they don't have a personality yet. Look, the easy solution... I wouldn't be happy about it. Eat babies. Because they don't have a personality yet. You don't need to feel bad.

Yes, douche is now the biggest monster. Jackson Bailey's not the Hitler of the episode. Well, you haven't said anything Hitler-ish yet. And Hitler never ate children, so I'm in the clear too. No, because think about it. What's the difference between eating a cow or eating a newborn? So much. No, I'm with you, though.

Oh, Jesus. No, no, no. Yeah, listen up. Listen up. Let me spit some truth for you. Because, like, what makes a baby any different from a cow? Why is it that I'm arguing, let's not eat babies. I'm the minority here.

No, look. Uh-huh. Practically. Imagine. What's the difference? What's the difference? Well, I... It's only... It What's the difference? What's the difference? It's like the reason we don't eat dog.

Because we've decided we're not allowed to eat dog. Okay, I think I've got one. Size. That's the reason. We can get a lot of meat out of a cow, but not much out of a baby. Yeah, but I need human flesh in this instance. I don't need a cow. Damn it. Eat a baby or the elderly.

Babies haven't done much. Elderly, dumb. Yeah. Oh, no, actually. Yeah, babies, that's a bit too much. Either baby or the elderly. Babies haven't done much. Elderly, dumb. Yeah. Oh, no, actually, yeah. Babies, that's a bit too much. Just go to the fucking... Old folks home. No, not the old folks home.

The other... The ward. What's it called? Burn ward. Hospice. Hospice? Just go to hospice. What's hospice?

Where they look after you when you're about to die. It's like a hospital for the dying. Perfect. But like, it's... You know how... Like, hospitals, you go into a hospital and hope that you leave. Yeah. A hospice, you go in and you're not coming out yeah that's the end that's

like a well we're gonna make it a die as possible well i guess if you could almost sell yourself as in like hey do you need me to consume the elderly do you want to die oh i thought you were selling yourself to the dying people oh you want to die in a sick way you want to die in a sick way? Do you want to die in a sick way? Look. If anything, I'm a hero now. What's your name? Grumble? Joel Dusha. I haven't changed yet. Joel Dusha the symbiote.

Do you get to choose what colour you are, or is that just random? I think it's going to be random. I guess you could have some input. I'm going to be purple. That's a good colour for a symbiote. Yeah. Yeah. And my name will be purple. That's a good colour for a symbiote. Yeah. Yeah.

And my name will be Chuck. All right. I'll be neon blue. That's nice. Yeah. What's your name, Zammett? See, I was also going to go purple. King Dickhead Nodding Man.

That's a bad name. It's not catchy. I'd try and be like Toxin, which is like, gotta only eat the bad. Eat criminals. No, yeah. See, like Toxin, except I'm only eating the bad but then i'd eat criminal no yeah see like toxin except i'm only eating the dying yeah someone's gotta you'd be like chock full of cancer belly but that's all right what color's cancer jackson kind of um well i only saw the ct scans but

kind of brown yeah isn't it just like moles and shit yeah what kind of color would you associate cancer with because that's the color you're simulating. Hang on, I'm taking off my jumper and this is going to be like loud, I feel, in the microphone. That's all right. Maybe step away from the microphone. No. Okay, good. There we go.

Hey, he did it. No, I think it's kind of brown and green. Is that a bit of red? I don't know how I feel about this. A bit of red for blood? That could be like, you know, the cancerous boy. Yeah. I pick purple.

If you mix all those colors together, you get purple. That's, I mean, not true. Look, you are what you eat. You're eating cancer. So I feel like I'm still eating just people. I feel like nobody said it, but we just accepted that I was. Because like the symbiote's doing it. It's not really me.

I don't get a choice. Yes, you do. It's like, it's kind of like, so you have two personalities and they come together and then what you get seems to reflect both of your nature. So, for example, with Carnage and even Eddie Brock and that, at some point, it's sort of the symbiote seems to be reflecting the worst of their nature because they can't be quite in sync. Whereas with Flash Thompson, it's like, sick, we're so good mates. because they can't be quite in sync whereas with Flash Thompson it's like sick we're good mates so I feel with you it'll just become

a monster because inherently when we amp up the worst of you it'll become a monster and it'll just be a violent eating people monster a fascist violent all consuming force see I went from saying eating babies is fine to now eating dying people so really I am a hero

that's my hero's journey already. Fuck, the tale's all, it's, what a mythology. He went from eating babies to eating the dead. Or dying. Well, okay. What about eating the freshly dead? Well, I mean. Like the doctor's, like, while the doctor's looking at his watch being like.

Time of, oh. Areas? Gotta be like the angel of death, death. I always imagine, like, you know, like most symbiotes when they're on a person is kind of kind of this tentacly you know i just imagine doucha just as doucha but like with a bigger mouth bigger like a venom mouth and a venom body but like venom skin just the same otherwise yeah that's fair yeah how do you go about just eating the bad Go to jail, eat the jail That's true

But what if someone's actually innocent That's the risk you run That's what I mean Like fucking law enforcement's not fucking It's not perfect but you know if someone's dying Yeah If they're not dying they aren't ill If Jackson starts off just fucking eating lads

I'm probably gonna just be like no no no no no I'm eating lads that's gonna be like the plumbing boys are in Central Park there's like rocket lands

like it rocket comet lands like in the start of Spider-Man 3 we're all like what's in this ah venoms ah no

symbiote it is yes yep then I'm like well I'm going to stay in Central Park and eat the tourists or whatever you're like oh I won't for a while but eventually you'll give in

and douche is like I'm heading to the hospice hospice and or morgue nah hospice because the morgue will be too chilly I feel you have the chance Jack to be like the monster off the bat I have the chance to probably be a bigger monster because it'll be like a bigger monster because it'll be a steadily growing thing.

It'll be gradual. I'm 100% going to be the hero. Snap. 100% Are you sure he's going to basically flash Thompson, his symbiote? Yeah. You're going to be like hey, what about if we just ate dying people? And he's going to be like, that's a sick idea! Yeah, I think you're

going to be the space hero that the world universe deserves. I like to think my symbiote is like, please don't. I guess we'll just eat people. No. No, no, no. That's not what you want? Seems like that's what you want. Damn it. What's his name?

Something Grumbles? Just Grumbles. Sergeant Grumbles? Sergeant Grumbles. Zabit gave me the title, but... Grumbles. Grumbles is like, no. No, Jackson, don't do it. You're like, what? Fucking did it.

What are you going to do about it? Grumbles? You're going to get off me? Yeah, nah, fuck you. Need me to live, dickhead. I'm going to keep doing it. People will think it's you. No, Jackson, stop.

Let me die. Poor Grumbles. Poor Grumbles. Poor, poor, stop. Let me die. Poor Grumbles. Poor Grumbles. Poor, poor Grumbles. Where Chuck, my fucking symbiote, is like, yeah, this is a good move. And I'm like, yeah. Then we should eat all the symbiotes. He's like, yeah, that'll make us good.

I'm like, yeah. Gotcha. I'm scared now. I'm going to call mine Greg. Greg? All right. You two just chose like basic human names.

At least we're alright. Gebazazak. No, you gotta go for something that's... Yes, infinitely. You gotta go for something that's mildly unpleasant. Gebazazak is mildly unpleasant. Like a toxin or a carnage or a venom. Is Bazaazak not that

pleasant? You got me there. Gebazazak sounds like a foreign fruit. That I'm like, I don't... You know what Bazaarzak is? Grumbles? Oh, who am I? Bazaarzak. Well, I guess I'm Bazaarzak.

It's the kind of fruit that someone's like, try Bazaarzak. You're like, okay. And then you peel it. And you're like, am I at the fruit yet? And then you peel it and you've just hit seeds. And you're like, where was the fruit? And you peel it again you're like, am I at the fruit yet? And then you peel it and you've just hit seeds. And you're like, where was the fruit? And you peel it again and there's a face. That's a good Bizarre Z.

It should not be this colour. How long do we last as symbiotes before Spider-Man comes and whoops our arse? Forever for me. Yeah, I think Dusha kind of gets off scot-free. I'm probably going to space. I figure Dusha's of gets off scot-free. I'm probably going to space. I figure Dusha's arc would be you're a medical student. Yep. And so that's how you sort of are like,

I'm only going to do this to sort of, you know, eat the elderly or eat the dying. Not the elderly, just the dying. You'll be like kind of fine for a while. You're going to fight crime ever? I feel like there's going to be an obligation. Living in New York City with powers in Spider-Man's New York City, he's going to come by and he's going to be like, sweet deal eating the elderly. They're dying, not the elderly.

Elderly are gross. Also, a little bonus of us. I'm assuming that we're getting a little bit of symbiote off the original Venom run, yeah? Yeah. Because that's how they got Carnage. Basically, it's like the symbiote gives birth. Yeah. So we're the babies of carnage, probably.

No, toxin, because toxin was carnage's baby. Because this adds more to this. Because this is one bullshit I didn't know about the symbiote, which is kind of like the father of the symbiote wants to kill you, whereas the grandfather wants to protect you. Yeah, that's true. So we've got carnage protecting us and toxins trying to kill us. Yep.

The toxin's a cop. Oh, wait. No, I'm committing cop. Toxins are morally conflicting. No, I'm committing crimes. We're all committing crimes. What crimes am I committing? Ethical ones. Eating the dying is still not legal. Nah, because what if I... If I went into a hospice right now and I'm like...

Just shut up. Don't worry, guys. We're good. They're not going to be like We did it for you You're welcome Half day fellas You can all go home

I'm pretty sure Toxin no longer exists Aww That's insane We're sweet then We've got no one to Carnage is protecting us Venom's protecting us

Carnage is trying to eat us No Because toxin doesn't exist anymore Yeah so Carnage gave birth to us Toxin was our dad oh oh what patrick was beaten to death by blackheart at some point well i guess rest in peace so we're just getting away i'm gonna fucking eat dad this is taking a well not a turn

what happens if i eat a symbiote as a symbiote do I get double symbiote because if dad's dying I might as well hey fits your credentials for who's okay to eat I reckon I'm gonna

to describe my arc I reckon I'm gonna get hired to eat death row inmates at one point and then I'm gonna eat fucking Doc Ock get some arms that's not

I mean like that's never been how symbiotes work. Do I not absorb? Symbiotes absorb the power sometimes, don't they? Weirdly, I remember when Eddie Brock was, I think, dying of cancer. Yeah. Something like that.

He basically wanted to sell off his Venom suit to the highest bidder, and he ends up getting sold to someone who dies like a dickhead. But then it gets onto Mac Gorgon, who is the Scorpion. Yeah. And so then it's a Scorpion suit, but with the Venom shit over it. So it's got a big old stinger tail. So if he did get the Doc Ock arms. Doc Ock, it'd be over the Doc Ock's ear.

All right, fair enough. You got me there. How mad is that? That's a cool look. Also, Doc Ock is dead now. Doc Ock died in this comic front. You're welcome, Spider-Man. And also, we wouldn't know who Spider-Man was because he would have had that

symbiote memory. Oh, that's true. I'm like, Peter Parker, I'm not going to come for you because you, as Peter Parker, is just as dangerous as you as Spider-Man, but I know I might eat my... When Aunt May's dying, who knows? She's going in this tummy of mine. She's going in my belly. I feel like Spider-Man

probably just deals with me real quick. Because like, you are a symbiote eating people in Central Park. Spider-Man just comes up and is like, bong, with a bell. And I'm like, yeah! Then the symbiote's like, and tries to run away. Grumbles, come back. He goes to jail and I'm like, gee whiz, Spider-Man, thank you. He made me eat so many people.

I like to imagine you just like pull out like a toe or something when you're saying that in your mouth. Man, that was rough. Is that a toe? Yeah. Also a good thing about the symbiote is that it tries to fix cancer and fix terminal shit. So hey, you might get your ball back.

You might have three then. You'd be like, what the fuck is this? I'm like, there's a fake one. I don't have room. I don't have room. Fuck. That's a weird upside when it leaves me. Adam is like, are you okay?

I'm like, I don't know. I need surgery. I'm actually in a lot of pain. Are you in hospice pain? Not quite hospice pain. Call need surgery. I'm actually in a lot of pain. Are you hospice pain? Not quite hospice pain. You can call me later. It's just like your jaw. It's like, ah, ah, ah.

Never mind. Never mind. Never mind. Sorry. Sorry about that. Tuck my tongue. What am I saying? Sorry.

I misread that situation. Because the thing about Toxin is that, you know, he ate bad people because he was a cop so he could kind of get into a position to eat bad people. Yeah. How are you going to tell?

That's why I just don't think- I think like- Like you and the symbiote, you'd be like, we've got conflicting ideals, let's go find a big bell. Gubzyazjak. You'd be like,

hey, Gubzyazjak. Classic fella. You'd just be like, look, I know what you're trying to do, but look, I'm hungry. I'm like look I'm hungry we're going to find bad people so I'll be going on patrol and they'll be like what are you looking for

just ask Spiderman go to his rogues gallery and eat all them I'm just hanging out by a bank hoping someone robs it wow I mean giving bank robbers a death penalty is pretty bad if you say that eventually you're going to be like Wow, I mean, like, giving bank robbers a death penalty is pretty bad if you zam it.

Yeah. Eventually you're gonna be like, you can't find any serious crimes. You see, like, a kid snatch a purse, and you're like, I guess! I guess I'm eating him! Alright! Fuck! That's a pretty fascist state of you, this. What happens if we zameth the Hitler

of the episode? What happens if a symbiote symbiote's a symbiote? If a symbiote symbiote's a symbiote? If a symbiote symbiote's a symbiote. Yeah. I'm guessing they would just merge. That's cool. Which is what's going to happen when I eat you. I'm gone.

The symbiote left me. Spider-Man scattered away with a big belt. Well, I'm guessing you'd have... I know, I was eating toxin. That's right. So Grumbles was like you scattered away and I'm there with the Kabzarzak, and then we just kind of merge together to form a new entity,

I would assume. That's so cool and weird. I'd get probably your memories as well. You'd be like, oh, God, it was Jackson. It was never the symbiote. Spider-Man, come back. Is that the wrong guy? Grumbles would be like, he made me do this.

Why? Why? Why? I'm just a peaceful alien lad I don't even want to eat people Why do you guys think Why do you think we want to eat people? Who gave you that idea? Eat a cow

Come on Oh jeez Actually yeah I'd probably just try to eat cows Yeah be like a vegetarian vampire Well like Not vegetarian But like when a vampire is good.

Yeah, they only eat rats. They only eat rats. Yeah, just do that. Just eat the rats of New York City. Nah, cows. Go in the sewers, eat the alligators. Yeah, eat fucking... What's his name?

Doc Connors. Eat him good. If you knew you could get the symbiote off you, would you? No. No, I don't think I would. Nah. I'd be so powerful. Yeah.

I'd be never hungry again. I would be curing death. Eating, lads, it's not just the best bit. I mean, there's other things because superhuman strength, speed, endurance, you get a healing factor

and intelligence enhances other natural abilities as well. That's pretty cool. They all sound fine, but eating people. I feel like that's the... I like that this whole episode, we're probably going to go through all of that

and be like, oh, which parts of... Yeah. Like, what are we starting... We just started with eating people and just went with eating people. And genetic memory. That's pretty cool. So, as the host, we know what they're doing.

So, that'd be nice. Be like, oh, sick. I'm going to relive Spider-Man's life. Just go back into my memory palace. Well, I guess the into my memory palace. Well, I guess the suit's memory palace. It always weirded me out that Spider-Man's black Spidey suit didn't look like a Venom. That's because I guess Spider-Man's maybe a bit good-natured.

Okay, so I guess it just looked like a suit. Yeah, so it was kind of like on the one spectrum you got a Venom. Well, on one spectrum you you've got a Tyrannosaurus rex, who's just pure hate. Pure evil. Yeah, as all Tyrannosaurus rexes are notoriously are. They're born chaotic evil. You're just sniffing your shirt, don't you? No, I'm about to sneeze, and I tried to do it subtly, or at least so that it wasn't into the microphone,

but then I stuck my face into my jumper, and nothing happened. So it just looked like I was snuggling it. That's real weird. Yeah. And then you've got, say, Flash Thompson on the other spectrum, being like, we are chockers of goo. Yeah, so I suppose Spider-Man's more towards the Flash Thompson snuggling it. It's real weird. Yeah. And then you've got like, say Flash Thompson on the other spectrum being like, we are chockers of good.

Yeah, so I suppose Spider-Man's more Flash Thompson side of things. I guess that's Which is weird because like, I mean, none of us are like Paragons of goodness.

So maybe JD over here. Okay, so say you're the Paragon of goodness but you don't have a superhero suit. Yeah. So when the Venom, the symbiote hops on you, does it just become like what?

Like a symbiote? I was going to say like a symbiote band t-shirt and jeans. I think so. I don't always wear that and look down and that's literally what I'm wearing right now. That's your outfit. If you were a cartoon, you would open your cupboard to several different identical versions. It'd be a maroon hoodie. Yep.

Band t-shirts. Which I'm not wearing. Which I am wearing. Yeah, jeans. Yeah, that's your look, man. Don't it? It's fine. I've got a jumper.

But I'm not wearing it right now. What do you do? I'm wearing a band t-shirt. That's fine. That's like that moment when fucking Bart puts on a goddamn, like, green coat. And you're like, oh, green hoodie? And you're like, different, but all right.

Different, but okay. And then you're like, you see another episode where he needs a coat, and it's the same green coat. You'm like, different, but all right. Different, but okay. And then you're like, you see another episode where he needs a coat and it's the same green coat. You're like, different, but the same. So my jumpers are like that in comparison to my maroon hoodie? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck you. No, that's fair.

But that's what your symbiote would end up wearing. So yeah, I guess you'd be maroon then. I mean, like, I have band t-shirts that I guess look kind of like a fucking symbiote anyway, so it's fine. I'm just, because I'm like, if it looks like your costume. Like that t-shirt I got that's just got teeth on it. Yeah, that's basically a symbiote already. That's mad.

Yeah. One more question. What was the point of that? The point of... No, what we're going to look like as a symbiote. Because I was going to say that if a symbiote... So when a symbiote jumps on Spider-Man, because Spider-Man's a good person,

it looks like his outfit, not like a monster. So I was like the same would happen for Dusha. Yeah, whereas we'd look like monsters. Whereas we'd look like monsters. We'd look like absolute monsters. I'd be like, you know those kind of hiding a monster? Yeah, exactly. It'd be like a normal suit.

But then like his giant tentacles would appear for like everyone turned around. And it'd look like nothing. It's fine. Nah, what would happen is Jackson would be like full-blown monster, but he would look fine. Where you try and fight it and end up looking way more hideous. nothing it's fine nah what would happen is Jackson would be like full blown monster but he would look fine where you

try and fight it and end up looking way more hideous oh yeah that's true I would look like you know when like Venom is clean like he doesn't have

his tentacles he's just like a big muscly yeah that's me roaming around being like ha ha eaten con sick

where Xamarin would be like a man with just like half melted jellyfish face like squid tentacles everywhere basically you're like you're grabbing spider-man being and like pulling yourself out of the venom mouth being like help me

i'm like spider-man i'm eating you and he's like that's not the symbiote's voice take off your mask symbiote kind of like forms over your head help me imagine that moment where like

spider-man like I knock him on the ground I go down to eat him it's like the venom mouth but then the venom mouth just peels back and I bite him spider-man would be

so confused spider-man is not equipped to deal with that the symbiote made him better more of a moral card now strained him a bit equipped to deal with that. The symbiote made him better. More of a moral code now.

Restrained him a bit. Let's see here. What else is there? What other benefits are there for having a symbiote? So the ability to negate damage caused by terminal illness and permanent injuries while not actually healing it.

So Eddie Brock is able to survive indefinitely with terminal cancer. So that's pretty good. Oh, I'm going to fix all my back issues. Ah, good. Fuck yeah. No, I'm all into this now. Orthopedic symbiote. No, you'd be sweet jackson's at no risk of having no balls your back's fine and i have two

well i have one kidney but it works okay you have one symbiote and then you grow another kidney and you'd be sick can you just does it heal you just heal you uh it's uh for example eddie brock was able to start yep um scott washington whoever that, was able to walk despite being paraplegic. And Flash Thompson had received legs after bonding with Venom when he lost his in a war. Why is everyone no legs in Venom? And so while they can sometimes heal themselves, does everyone no legs in Venom?

They generally seek hosts to depend on them and thus ensure the symbiote survives. Actually, yeah, I knew that. That makes sense. When the symbiotes come out of the bloody comet, one of them's like, no kidney. Got him. One of them's like, this one's missing a ball.

And this one's like, this man is old man back. Got him again. I can be a spine. Yes. So they can expand to any size as long as they have something to grow on, such as a host object. That's pretty good. Has Ego the Living Planet ever been a symbiote?

I hope so. He really should. They haven't done enough with symbiote symbiotes are rad there's a whole island of symbiotes from memory an island i knew there was a planet an island as we like as in like uh something happened and they just like new york is everyone became a symbiote yeah dang were any of those people ego the living planet don't think so Why has he not become a symbiote? Come on, Marvel writers, you should be all over that. And then there's an evil planet. Oh, hang on, there you go.

Symbiotes also react to the thoughts and will of the host. Oh, okay. Oh, that's good. Jackson's going to be super evil. I'll be fine. So when Spider-Man was originally collected, he was thinking about Spider-Woman's costume, and I guess that's why it kind of reflects that.

Oh, so what you're thinking about, the moment it bonds with you is what you look like. So the symbiote acted on this and then formed a similar. So if I'm like, oh, God. So you could be thinking like, hmm, I'm just sitting here thinking about hams. Like, I'm guessing I'm making you hamy out. I'm a hams symbiote. Or if you're like, man, that's a good suit.

And you're like, boom. I'm like, ah, dang. What if it's like an abstract thought? Say like we're in Central Park. I'm eating a hot dog as we're looking at it. And I'm thinking, I'm like, God, I hope we're in central park i'm eating a hot dog as we're looking at it and i'm thinking i'm like god i hope the guy washed his hands when he made this up what am i gonna look like hand sanitizer no i reckon your suit is gonna be like hands together but like foamy the fuck i know okay so put your hands together like okay

not even like that typical like hand like a prayer almost and then yeah just like where your palms touch

that's what your face would be and there would just be like soapiness all around it would just be like a hat

he was thinking about spider woman's costume so you could be thinking about someone and then be like oh what are

they wearing oh so I'm gonna end up in basically an apron yeah like a hot dog on the front yeah because you'd be like I guess that's what they wearing? Oh, so I'm going to end up in basically an apron with like a hot dog on the front.

Yeah, because you'd be like, I guess that's what you want. Why are you thinking about Spider-Woman? Maybe it's like neat costume, I guess. And I guess that's what Simi was trying to do. So you could, it'd be like a, like if you look at a hot dog vendor's outfit, like the base outfit, that'd be what you're wearing so it'd be an ape with like maybe a spider elf like the spider symbol yeah and a little hat you guys can you

just imagine like that moment you're like looking at each other you look at me and you're like what why i don't know this is not what i was trying to think about what i think about that's fucking deep. So you're watching reruns of Mad Men and you're like fucking Don Draper's looking sick in that suit

and then like boop and you're like oh I guess I'm Most of the time recently I've just been thinking about Doom so I guess I'm ending up

with a Doom guy suit. Or Roseanne. Or Roseanne! Fuck I love Roseanne. I'm going through a Vikings phase. Vikings. Vikings symbiote

Roseanne symbiote hot dog vendor symbiote. So I'm going to beiking viking symbiote roseanne symbiote hot dog so i'm gonna be wearing like a symbiote scene roseanne there's a real famous t-shirt that she wore because her ex-husband hated it's just a white t-shirt with chickens on it i own that t-shirt in real life fun fact so you're gonna be wearing the symbiote equivalent of that so it'll just be i guess a white t-shirt and the chickens would be symbiote chickens that's all right That's pretty good. I mean, it's fine. And then, do I also look like

Roseanne? Like, is my face Roseanne? I hope so. Fuck, that's good. That'd be good. Oh, no, because I'm always thinking about John Goodman instead. It would just be flannel. It would be sick. Fuck, that'd be flannel symbiote. Rad. Yes. That's other abilities of a symbiote. The ability to block part of the host's

mind. So, it'd be like Jackson, that rational part, and he would say, don't eat lads. He'd be like, no, stop that. Got rid of it. But my one might be like the bit that says eat lads. Don't know what that's doing. Getting rid of that. That's true.

I just had a thought. Like I can imagine John Goodman eating a man. Yeah, me too. Like but prepared. Like a man with an apple in his mouth and John Goodman's like, time to eat. Maybe John Goodman circa Roseanne. Maybe not John Goodman now. No, imagine John Goodman from Tank Cloverfield Lane eating a human being.

No, John Goodman's spookier now than in Roseanne. He's spookier than ever. He is pretty spooky. John, it's going to be all right, man. He's lovely. He's such a jowly face. Oh, you can shapeshift, so you can mimic clothing. Cars.

That's kind of nice. Thinking about cars. Yeah, it means to get you good. There's nothing saying you can't. Camouflage, that's nice. Be a car. Someone hops in me. Oh, et.

Et. There you go. That's how you do it. That's how you do it, mate. That's how you get them. No, handsome cabs. Handsome cabs. Handsome cabs. You know, like a handsome cab where it's like a horse carriage and the horse is in the front,

but all one symbiote. Perfect. And I'm up the front as the driver, but used to the back of the chair. You're going to be all goopy. It's going to be very obvious. Just the back of me is goopy to the bottom. Everything's goopy. No, it'd be goopy when you inspect.

Just like the horse is jittering, not quite formed properly. Yeah, yeah. Please, the ride is free. I think the horses would have giant tongues. The horse would be speaking. Please, come in. Giant long fucking tongues on the horses. Like the person who's riding it has like a giant horse eye.

Please enter my carriage. Anyone for a ride? The two horses say in unison. Anyone for a ride? All right. First one's free. Come on, my carriage. Come on, my carriage. Come on, my carriage.

Do you not hurt? The couple runs away. I don't know why this isn't working. Then you eat them. You can stick to walls, so you can drive your carriage up a wall. Oh, good. You can produce toxins and venoms. Hey, that's nice.

You can make webbing. That's pretty good. Man, venoms. Hey, that's nice. You can make webbing. That's pretty good. Man, venoms are good. I mean, they have empathetic abilities, able to project desires and needs into the thoughts of its hosts. Not like me. Or potential hosts. So that's kind of cool.

So then maybe, you know, Grumbles could be like, stop. Help me kill this man. Somebody use a large bell. Why doesn't Spider-Man just carry around a bell in his pocket or something for the moment that... Or a dog whistle. I would. Yeah. Like, fuck.

It's almost at this point surprising that he doesn't. I know. Like, are you an idiot, Spider-Man? Like, why doesn't he have a utility belt like a Batman? Yeah. Or why, when a Venom or a Toxin or a Carnage shows up, is Spider-Man not, like, sick to the bell tower? What? The ability to create storage portals inside of them.

What? Again, I can easily imagine John Goodman storing things inside himself. I can imagine you storing nearly dying people inside yourself for later. For a late night snack. That's kind of cool. Man, symbiotes get a lot of powers. And each symbiote has their own unique ability, such as carnage being able to see from every direction of his body.

That's rad. John Goodman has the ability to make any studio audience laugh. Venom's venomous bite, Toxin's ability to change the shape of a form of a Spider-Man-like build, so slim but strong. That's not that good a power, Toxin. And venom-like build, big and muscular strong. That's not that good. And venom-like build, big and muscular, which is controlled by its feelings.

So what individual symbiote power would we each possess? Candle laughter. And say, douche of the bill, you sniff death. You smell death on someone. This is for your own good. It's like, you've got cancer. What? I'm still sticking to my code.

It's taken a weird turn. You don't know. They could have gotten treatment. Well, really, is chemo really a form of living? Why is this a debate? You ate a person. Call me John. I'm changing my symbiote name from Chuck

to John. I guess mine's to create a terrible handsome gap. Can take the form of two horses melting. What does Gibraltar tracks have? Gibraltar tracks. I don't think I pronounced

his name right once. No, it's changed every time we've spoken about it. Because it sounded like Bazaar almost at first. Good Bazaar go. Good Bazaar go. Bazaar track. I like Gibraltar tracks, though. Chipotle. Chipotle.

Chipotle track. All right, there we go. Good Chipotle. Oh, Chipotle track. Oh, the ability to make a delicious meal. Hey, that's alright There you go Only feed off the Mexicans

That's fine It's not fine Don't be racist Don't discriminate with who you ate It's just a little PSA from me to you So being a symbiote I I mean, it's all right. We all adapted very quickly and very easily. I mean, the question was which of the Plumbing Boys

would be devoured the best or whatever. Consumed. Consumed by the symbiote. So I guess- All of us. You're being consumed the worst because you're consuming it. Flip the script. I guess I am consumed best because Zammett fights it at first.

Yeah, that's true. You're the one that, you're fusing. You know, I can just, it just seems, you know, you're becoming the Flash Thompson. Yeah. You're gonna get six, like, space guns. You're gonna be alright. Oh man, you're gonna be good in space. And making audiences smile all across the world.

All across America. From the late 80s to mid 90s. Before I have my on-screen surprise death and then I make everyone miserable. Correct. And from the mid-90s to about 2016 for reruns. Yeah. Man, Roseanne rules. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Symbiotes. Symbiotes. Despite everything we said, don't eat anyone. Please don't eat anyone and blame it on us. But watch Roseanne and blame it on us. That's fine. Yeah.

Bye. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.