Plumbing the Death Star - Which One of the Plumbing Boys Would Make a Better Boy Who Lived and Why is it Joel Duscher?

Episode Date: June 12, 2016

In which our heroes get born, survive an attack from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and wish our parents weren't dead while asking which one of us would make a better Boy Who Lived and why is it Joel Duscher? It's an emotional journey as we recruit an entire Quiditch team as our friends, try our best to memorise Duscher’s family tree and remember what being 11 is like. Jackson reimagines Harry as a monster, Zammit attempts too many accents and Duscher just wants to remind everyone when the PS2 was released. It's a philosophical adventure as we try to reach the sorcerer’s stone locked within Hogwarts by sending our best man forward, Joel C. Duscher. The C Stands for (Sick) Cunt.Want to help Duscher live out his fantasy? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we’re sure we can buy a time-turner to ensure these evens come to pass.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/ and vote for us in the Podcast Awards here http://www.podcastawards.com! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Sandspins Radio. Hey, this episode is sponsored by our favorite or most recent Patreons, Kevin Aldridge, Levi Nash, Rob White, and yes, that was with a Y, and Paul Ashton. Fun fact about these fellas, all exceptional blokes that I can vouch for. Also, another fun fact, Plumbing the Death Star is nominated for the Comedy Award in the 2016 Podcast Awards. If we win, we legitimately get a trophy, and I honestly cannot think of anything better than

standing on a mountain shirtless and thrusting this trophy towards the sun yelling, I have conquered my Everest. Head to podcastawards.com to vote, and you can vote daily. And we're also nominated in Entertainment, Business, Hobbies and Games, and the People's Choice Award. We have five shows, five awards, four are nominated. You do the maths or don't, because it's less impressive if you do. Anyways, I'll stop talking for a bit so I can introduce this week's episode, and we can all think about Harry Potter and me for a bit.

Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Eaters, where we ask the important questions like, which one of the plumbing boys would make a better boy who lived, and why would it be me, Joel Dusha? Well. Well. And what is required of a boy who lived? Well, to survive. Well What is required of a boy who lived? Well to survive The boy who lived I guess Survive

Okay so first of all when Voldemort comes for you As an infant As an infant Your mother has to sacrifice That's why you lived So your mother has to love you Wait does your mother love you more Than your sister

yes tick one box yeah I mean if it was my stepdad sacrificing his life I'm in a world of trouble

mom though I'm confident she'd put money on the right horse and also this is before Kate is even born so

oh yeah I didn't have a sister wow you're good I mean in this reality your sister doesn't exist. But that's fine. For a lot of Flaming listeners that haven't listened to Shut Up for a Second,

they've just got a lot of family history for me, just straight off the bat. I have a sister, I have a stepdad, and I have a mom. And also a dad and a stepmom. That's good. That's my family.

We all live together in a big house. I just learned you have a stepmom. That's pretty well. That's great. My name's Tracy. Well done. This is good stuff stuff We're learning here So after your parents are massacred by a dark wizard

All four of them? They all jump in front of his Avada Kedavra one by one He's like Avada Kedavra So you have four lightning bolts across your forehead That's pretty sick No way He's the boy who lived

Holy shit did he live That's pretty sick No wait He's the boy who lived He's the boy who lived Holy shit did he live I wouldn't be the boy who lives It's the boy who can't die Voldemort's just like Well because Voldemort Gets pretty fucked up from one If you cast four

He's in trouble He's in real trouble I think I defeated Voldemort Straight after that Oh wait no but with Harry I mean like even with Harry like both his parents Don't jump in the way it's just Lily What's his dad's

That's not a good question sorry listener James that's right because it's Harry James Potter That's his name and James is his father's name So Joel Dufresne to live with the Dursleys How do you cope with that Papa Dursley giving you shit dudley getting like 17 20 fucking five presents you get a comb or whatever see i reckon you'd get along with um dudley yeah no see i wouldn't get along with dudley but i wouldn't

have like he wouldn't be able to bully me yeah and so i wouldn't necessarily be mates with him but i don't think that i would come off in a situation like at the start of like like like six when you're like sitting on a swing because shit's rough and Voldemort's back and Dudley and his chav friends come up to you and are like I've been a cry kiss your mum's dead Potter I'm like your mum will be dead if you're not careful

I'm imagining you as a real scarecrow everyone's like yeah get under the stairs And you're like I'll kill you with a fucking blink I am a wizard They're like oh my god get Dudley's room Because there's going to be a point So the Dursleys take you in I probably won't threaten to kill his mum

You might though Because that's what Harry Potter does He kind of threatens them with magic and shit But not when I'm six So there's going to be that point where You're still going to be that point where you know you're still going to be shoved under the stairs you're still going to have a shit one but i think you'll be able to cop on the chin a bit better than harry yeah exactly harry you're a confident boy i'm confident and i don't get lonely or really care joel potter joel potter joel potter so let's go through the

potter joel james potter jjp jjp jj abrams so let's get through some important moments in harry's Joel James Potter. Joel James Potter. J.J.P. J.J.P. J.J. Abrams. So let's get through some important moments in Harry's life. Okay. So when you are about 10, you're at the zoo in the herpetology department. Hang out with a snake. And a snake's like, hey, let me out. It sucks in here. And I'm like, what the fuck?

And put my hand up to the glass. And then I'm in the enclosure and there's no glass. And the snake's just chilling. And I'm like, hey, yo, I'm a snake. It's rough for me. Sick that you can understand me. Smash the glass. And then I'm like,

what? And then I thought because it would just go exactly the same way that Harry did. So you'd let him out? Well, no, because Harry doesn't do it on purpose. No, that's true.

He doesn't, does he? It's a bit of a mistake. He's like, ah, whoopsie daisies. All right. Well, good. Cop that in the chin. Yeah, that would just go.

So I'm not better at the moment I'm better with the Roughness of the Dursleys But I'm dealing with snakes the same way Exactly you and Harry on par with your snake coping Snake thing That must have fucking terrified the Dursleys when that happened Surely Harry releases a snake

They'd be like what do we do Well that's the thing Petunia Knows about wizards so she should have known at that exact point what the fuck was going on I think they knew that Harry was a wizard yeah like straight away but for some reason they were all wizard races they're an idiot that's the

dumbest they are an idiot yes collectively they are an idiot correct one big fucking see if I was the messy I'd be just like, no, Harry's... Treat him good. Yeah, treat him good. Because he might turn into a rock. Not even that.

Do you know what? Okay, if you're really nice to the kid, he hits 11 and he gets a letter being like, fuck these cunts off. Come to school where you never see him again. I'd probably be like, huh, they bought me a PlayStation a year before it got released.

That's pretty cool. That's true. I haven't forgotten that Harry Potter JK Rowling You got your dates wrong Well what happens then When like you're getting the letters

The Dursleys are hiding them They're like hiding them Chucking you know There's mail everywhere Yeah Do you just go? Just get in the bus Yeah like that's

See your mum I'm trying to remember What it was like as 11 Like when it came to like Stuff that my parents did Would you have just like Copped it on the chin 11 when it came to stuff that my parents did would you have just copped it on the chin? and it wouldn't be your parents

it would be your aunt and uncle my aunt and uncle are chill ass it's Petunia and Vernon he's copping them not whatever lovely aunt and uncle whatever fucking angel aunt and uncle I have a bunch of uncles that just like to get in pub fights

I like that in this reality you weren't sent to live with them I'm an angel aunt and uncle. I have a bunch of uncles that just like to get in pub fights. I like that in this reality, you weren't sent to live with them. No, I wasn't. I was like, to the Dursleys, witch, yeah. To the Dursleys. So yeah, you got to deal with them. So, all right. Would you, how do you do? What is your reaction?

Well, again, it's probably going to be similar to what happens with Harry, where he just doesn't know what the fuck's going on and why. That's true. He's very, Harry's pretty passive, at least in the first half of that film. Well, yeah, because the whole thing is... Stuff happens to him. He doesn't instigate it. Yeah, because, like, with The Philosopher's Stone, he's more like just, what the... I'm 11. What the fuck is going on?

Yeah, so let's say, alright, so... Where is it up to a point where Harry makes a decision? Probably when he gets the letters to Hogwarts, because he reads... Well, I want to do Hagrid's interaction with Harry, but with Joel Dusha. I want to know Hagrid's interaction with Harry but with Joel Dusha. I want to know what Dusha's reaction is when you're taken away to an island and the door

fucking bursts open and a giant comes in You're a wizard, Dusha You're a wizard You're a wizard, Joel What is going on? Don't put a good one at that First of all...

This could have given you some trouble. Pigtail him! I'm gonna deform a child. Good. Hop on my motorbike. If I threatened to kill Dursley's mom at age six, I feel like that's probably going to splinter mine and his relationship.

So seeing him turned into a pig, I'd probably be like, I believe that I'm a wizard. No, okay. How quickly would you believe you are a wizard? Okay, you guys probably know this about me. If my listeners, maybe not. My personality is very much like,

my decision making is, is this going to be a real good time for me or I'm going to have to do boring shit and if I saw a man turn another man into a pig I would be like yeah sure whatever I'm a wizard this looks like fun let's fucking go I'll be like motorcycle

turn cunts into pigs you just see him bursting you don't see his motorcycle he hasn't turned your step brother into a pig yet he's just basically being like you're a wizard Joel at that moment basically being like, you're a wizard, Joel. At that moment, are you like, sick, I'm a wizard? Or are you like, what?

I'm probably like, what? You're a wizard, douche. And a thumping good one at that. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a what? Nah, I'll be like, what? A wizard, I just said. Yeah, no, that's what I mean. Like, Harry asks weird questions.

I'll be like, I'll be like I'd be like You know wizards What? Wizards aren't make believe No you are one Watch Then he turns Dudley Into a pig And then I'd be like

Okay no I believe you now I've had some weird shit Going down in my life I made glass disappear Harry accidentally ends up On a roof at one point Yeah it's rough for Harry As a baby

Very funny He was like You're a wizard Harry Do you mean a wizard A sorcerer A magician What do you mean? Oh my gosh.

I've played a lot of RPGs. So what kind of thing? My aunt and uncle bought me a PlayStation here before I came out. It was sick. Is it like a wild mage type thing? How many spells can I cast in 24 hours? What's my PP? Let's talk stats.

Let's talk stats. Giant. Half giant. I've seen this shit before. I've watched a fucking film. I've seen Harry Potter before. I know who you are, Hagrid. What?

What? What? What films? What are you talking about? It's just going to turn into Spaceballs. Like the part where they're fucking watching the film that they're in. Yeah. What a crazy movie.

It's pretty good. Yeah, no, I think I would be on board with Hagrid. Like, all it would take was, I'd probably just kind of get him to prove it. So you'd make him turn Dudley into a pig. I wouldn't make him, but if that's, if I was like, if I was like. Seems like Hagrid had that spell ready. Yeah, he did. He's like, boop. I think he wanted to use it that's what i mean like as in like with that i just be like i'd rather mean like

i'm i'm all because i know what wizards are yeah i just feel like wizards aren't real and he'd be like yes they are watch this it's like you know what that explains the gloss that explains how my cause shithead cousins now a pig good, let's go alright, so what other stuff happens, so you go to Diagon Alley you go to Diagon Alley, you get all your shit and at this point I'm just like, yeah sick there's no stress there

on the train when people are like you're Harry Potter you're Joe Dusha, isn't that right? that happens to me in real life anyway I know how I deal in that situation. You're the boy who lived. Let me shake your hand, Doucher Potter. I want to look at your scars.

Oh, that's amazing. Lift up your forelock. Let me have a look. Oh, there's four of them. That's impressive. The boy who didn't die four times. That's real good. Joe Doucher Potter. The boy who didn't die four times that's real good Joe Dusha Potter

the boy who didn't die four times one thing that Harry Potter does is that he doesn't let fame go to his head at all, in fact he rejects that I don't see you doing that at all no, it would be almost the same because at first I'd be like nah, look I didn't really do anything, I'm a bit sad

because you just keep talking about my dead parents, but then by book four i'm like i'm the boy who didn't die four times amini the boy who didn't die four times at least show me your tits well that's what i was gonna ask on the use the fame to fuck amini that's what he was asking on the hogwarts express yeah you end up in a carriage with poor child, Ron Weasley. Ronald Weasley. No, I like Ron. I'd probably get along with him still. And what about when Malfoy, really early on,

asks Harry to come and kick it with him? Because he does. Fuck. Yeah. Hello there, douche-a-potter. That's not Malfoy's voice at all. It's good enough for me. Come hop in the carriage with I

Don't want to hang out With the poor He's poor and smells And he didn't deodorize this morning We're all hitting puberty Do you hate when people don't Put on deodorant? That's like the worst God I hate it so much

Guys you're both grown adults How do you keep forgetting to put on deodorant? I'm not trying to impress anyone. Makes me so angry. Sometimes I can't find Emsa's deodorant in the morning and I'm like, yeah. You don't even have your own deodorant? I don't. I use Emsa's. I like smelling my green tea. It's beautiful. I found another one that's kind of

it's the same brand. It's a dove one, but it's like berries and like shit. You mean that one over there? Yes! That's the one I use. You guys are going to give me a hernia. I wonder why you both stink all the time. You mean that one over there? Yes, that's the one I use You guys are going to give me a hernia I wonder why you both stink all the time You mean smell lovely like You smell lovely for like an hour And then you just smell like a cucumber And green tea scent

Give me some when you're done That's some good cucumber and green tea scent So tell me, are you chums With Ron and Hermione Or are you chums with Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle Because I see you as a Cbe, and Goyle? Because I see you as a Crabbe and Goyle kind of boy. No, it depends, though, because if Malfoy was just like,

come kick it, I'd be like, yeah, sick. But if he was like, come kick it, stay away from the poor, I'd be like, shut up, idiot. I'm going to hang with these guys. I think he's just like, come kick it. Yeah. I think he'd be like, have a chocolate frog, mate. I think he insults Ron at some point. Yeah, because otherwise Harry has no reason to say no. He gives Harry a reason to say no. he's got some like he'd be like have a chocolate frog mate I think he might I think he insults Ron at some point no yeah

because otherwise Harry has no reason to say no he gives Harry reason to say no he's just like hey and Harry's like nah

and he's like fuck you so far aside from the four lightning bolts in your head you're running a pretty similar train to Harry Potter

except that me and Dudley would be sweet yeah I think you and Malfoy would probably get along a lot more like if Malfoy's like hey don't hang out with Ron

you guys have met Aaron he's pretty much Ron yeah you'd probably even be a better bridge between say Ron and Malfoy and that kind of stuff when it comes to the sorting hat it's gonna have it's gonna get a tumour from trying to figure out if I'm Gryffindor or Slytherin

the hat's just gonna like inflate and deflate and inflate and then you become a regular hat. A baseball cap. I reckon you just vibrate really fast. Baseball cap and it spins around backwards. I'm going to change this school around. Kickflip off.

Yeah, no. Okay, so I'd probably have more time for Malfoy than Harry does, but I probably would stay in the carriage because I would probably like 11 year old me would probably kick off kick it off with Ron pretty quick

that's true would you be a cunt and being like let's buy the chocolate frogs just for us yeah ruin it anything from the trolley

dear ruin it for everyone else yes one of everything please love by one of everything all of it. No.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Are you famous now? You're also filthy rich. I forgot about that bit. Nintendo is for all. Everyone's getting a Playstation a year early. Everyone's getting a Playstation a year early

on me. I honestly think you would Almost be Because you'd have no concept of this money Because we don't, it's gold You'd almost be just like, whatever You'd be everyone's favorite person Because you'd be like You know that kid in high school

Not high school The kid in like, say, primary school That would just come to school With like a box of footy stickers And just hand them out Yeah, because he doesn't know Like that that's worth anything like you might just start paying for ron like why not oh look harry does that yeah i know but ron hates

it though classic ron calm down but malfoy's like yeah i'll buy a nimbus oh good buy me a nimbus fuck that i want a nimbus why won't you buy me a nimbus i don't want to hang out with you anymore i have no problem buying my friends things but i don't want them hang out with you anymore. I have no problem buying my friends things, but I don't want them to expect it. Well, exactly. I don't think they'd expect it. No, but it'd be nice if you did. But I reckon you'd probably buy a lot of people a lot of things first. Yeah, probably.

But it wouldn't be to win people over. No. Yeah. It wouldn't be. No, I'm saying you just do it out of happenstance. You're everyone's buddy. I already do that sometimes. That's what I'm saying.

Everyone's buddy. Well, but when Hermione comes in with Neville and they want to hang out, are you like, yeah? Or are you like, fuck off, nerd? No. When have i ever like fuck yeah no probably no whoa yeah nah nah whatever like it would be the same with melphoi if he wanted to come hang with us rather than move me actually that's probably what would happen i'd be like just come kick it in here mate yeah you'd be rather than go Them going to Like you going to them I'd be a better leader of the pack

Fuck Harry Yeah You would entice people to come to you Because nothing Like makes someone Want to hang out with you more If you're like Nah

You come whatever I don't care Come out with me if you want I don't give a shit I'll just like Yeah but maybe not like I wouldn't be like Nah

I'd be like I'm going to be with some friends Just come hang with us Yeah Then Malfoy would I'm Malfoy No Lucius Malfoy. No.

Draco Malfoy. I got that. Hey, Draco. I remembered my name. Sick name. I said my dad's name before. That's real weird. That is weird.

I'm Wayne Doos... I mean, Joel Doosher. Potter. Potter. Joel Doosher Potter. All right. Well, then you'd arrive and then it would be time for the sorting hat

in which case it would have a hernia Gryffindor or Slytherin where would it put you because knowing and there's that theory that it actually puts people in Gryffindor if you want to go to Gryffindor the reason why it doesn't put Harry in Slytherin is because I don't want to be in Slytherin I just want to be in Gryffindor so he's like alright fuck it in Gryffindor

so it's kind of like if you're brave enough to want to be in Gryffindor You go in Gryffindor Kind of like I guess how Neville would end up in Gryffindor He's like I'm basically a spastic But you know what I want to be proud Chuckie Man How does Hermione end up in Gryffindor and not Ravenclaw Same thing because you can get into Gryffindor if you ask

Yeah but why Why would yeah Because she doesn't know anything Her parents are muggles. No, no, but I think everybody else goes to Gryffindor if she's going to be with her friends. Harry gets sorted last.

Well, Ron does then. No, Ron goes to Gryffindor because it's kind of like a legacy thing. Yeah. His brothers are in Gryffindor. And he should really... Ron should be a Hufflepuff, but he's like, nah.

Yeah, all his brothers and that are in there. Yeah, so then Hermione's like, oh, I want to be with Ron because he's a chum or whatever. But yeah, so why does Hermione... Because at that point, you've made one friend. You don't really care. Yeah, because Ron would be, I want to be with Ron because he's a chum or whatever. But yeah, so why does Hermione? Because at that point, you've made one friend. You don't really care. Yeah, because Ron would be, I want to be in Gryffindor because of the legacy of my family.

I want to say that Hermione gets sorted before Ron does. Yeah, and Hermione would be like, I'm smart and whatever. So it's like... Chuck is in Ravenclaw. Maybe she just doesn't know. The sorting hat's like Gryffindor or Ravenclaw. She's like, I like lions. Okay.

Lions and eagles are pretty sick times. I'll go there. Fuck it. I ain't got shit. Of all of them, it kind of makes the least sense for Hermione to be chucked in. Sorry to derail the episode for Dusha, but yeah. It's a weird thing. I guess like, maybe she's heard from the other wizards that Gryffindor is the quote-unquote

best house. Maybe. And she's just like, well, I won't go there. And she's striving to be the best. But you'd think Ravenclaw would be more up a rally. Yeah. I don't know. Weird. Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out the order, because it changes if you know what order they get sorted.

That's true. Because if Harry's first, and then Hermione wants to be with Harry, Harry's last. I'm pretty sure Harry's last. Okay. Yeah, Harry's definitely. Because he's like, I want to be with my choms.

Yeah. I think Ron is one of the first. Okay. Hmm. Weird. Because I think Ron goes to... Is it alphabetical? Yeah, I think Ron is one of the first. Okay. Hmm, weird. Because I think Ron goes to... Is it alphabetical? No, it's not alphabetical, is it?

No, it's just random. Whatever the Sorting Hat wants. Man, if I wasn't... Hmm, alphabetical. I'm a bloody bettacle. Forgot that the Sorting Hat sings songs. Shut up, Hat. I'm the Sorting Hat.

Fa la la. I like to put things in boxes. None of you shall communicate with other classes because I don't like it. This is the way. Segregation is the best thing ever. We've always done it. I have a hat.

Segregation is great. I refuse to change. This whole school bases its decisions on a hat. They get what they fucking ask for. You have a drinking fountain for everyone and a drinking fountain for us. Fuck you, Slitherin. To the front of the bus.

Or back of the bus. They just put it back in a cupboard and he's like, I'm alive. He's jumping up into Dumbledore's office. He's there being like, there's a sword in me. I put it in me bum. Get it in me I put it in me bum Get it out It's real pointy

They went hilt first Why did they go hilt first? It's a hat, I know Yeah, apparently Hermione Has a real similar conversation She really wants to be in Gryffindor But I don't understand why So what would you do?

Say you're sort of lost. Malfoy, he's a sick cunt. Ron and Hermione, equally sick. Say in the train, you've kicked it with everyone. You're a social butterfly. You're like flooding around everywhere. So you're hanging out with Ron and Hermione, you're hanging out with Malfoy and Grob.

Cho Chang slips by, you're like, yo, yo, Malfoy, what up? Yo, Cho Chang, what's going on? I'm 11. Cedric Diggory, you're like, hey, buddy. on I'm 11 you're like hey buddy yeah but everyone's a chum what else hang on I'll be the sorting hat

you can go with Gryffindor or if you want you can choose I don't care I'm a hat have you done the Pottermore off the tongue. What you could choose, I don't care. If I had to choose, probably Gryffindor. I'm a hat. Just because... Have you done the Pottermore thing?

Yeah, every time I get sorted, and most of the time, I do quizzes where it shows a breakdown, every single time it's like, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, no, Slytherin and Gryffindor could go either way.

Well, if you asked to be in Gryffindor, then presumably you'd get to be in Gryffindor. Yeah, because with the Pottermore thing, it was Gryffindor then presumably you'd get yeah because with the Pottermore thing it was Gryffindor but then like I've done like just surveys 95% of the time you're a Gryffindor well no it's really like it usually just comes down to like would you stab a man

and I'm like probably not Gryffindor if I'd answered yes Slytherin nah because yeah I've gotten both heaps but I've never gotten the other two which makes sense because I do not fit gotten the other two. Which makes sense. Because I do not fit in the other two at all. Nah, I'd probably go Gryffindor. Okay.

Red Roads. Fuck, I've just gone... I might as well be Harry at this point. You're like a one-to-one Harry Potter. Except that you were kind of friends with Malfoy on the train. But now that you're segregated, probs no longer. Would Snape still hate you? Yeah.

Because Snape wanted to you? Yeah. Yep. Or what else? All my teachers hate me. Oh no, my teachers in high school used to always be like you are a good person but you are the worst student. You just never shut up. Yeah, well see, I was going to say like Harry Potter is good at like nothing. But he's great at Quidditch.

Would you be good at Quidditch? No. One kidney. Oh no, I can't play Quidditch. you be good at quidditch no one kidney oh no i can't play quidditch oh they could probably magic me a new kidney hey that's good madam pomfrey be like you got a kidney juice or something i just want to what other sports is there any other no that's the only physical activity wizards do really yeah god damn because even in like a wizard chess is the only one i can think of the only Because the only high school sports that I'm remembering isn't my own high school sports. It's Friday Night Lights,

which is like football and volleyball. So, yeah. I'd give Quidditch a crack because I like sports. Yeah, but Quidditch is not a... Like as we've discussed, Quidditch is not a sport that requires the same like things that a normal muggle sport requires. Have you got good balance?

When I was a teenager, I skateboarded and stuff like that. So riding a broom isn't that different. Would you be made seeker? No. I'd be a beater. You'd be a good old beater. I like to imagine them being like Dusha Potter, you can try out for seeker and you're like, I don't know where it is.

Like after two hours you come back and you're like what am i looking for that was all right what's the captain's name again the guy like it's a phasma i forget his name but it's like all right this is the seeker this is this this is doesn't harry catch the thing in his mouth yeah he does he catches so you'd probably you'd probably be a beater. So you're chuffing off one of the Weasley twins. Wait, no, because the Weasley twins make a good combination. I'd probably end up keeper there. You might just be cut from the team.

When I played lacrosse in high school for a bit, I was a keeper. I just did not. If you'd been like, Jackson, what sport did I play in high school? I'd be like, lacrosse? Lacrosse or polo on horses? Nah, lacrosse was only for a year. I was a pretty good keeper, though.

You'd be either the keeper or the backup keeper. So I don't think Quidditch is going to be a huge part of your life as much as Harry's. I'd probably just be like, yeah, okay, let's do this. It's something to do. Whatever, you're not amazing at any other subject. The key challenge at the end is going to be a bitch for you. Oh, no. Yeah, that's do this It's something to do Whatever you're not amazing at any other subject The key challenge at the end is going to be a bitch for you Oh no

Yeah that's true But it's being devised by Albus Dumbledore So he'd be like Hit the key Hit the key real hard Let's talk about what Joel Dusha What's he good at What spells

Transfiguration I'd be bad at potions Can you say Wingardium Leviosa? Wingardium Leviosa Yeah alright I'll give you charms Herbology? Tell me what to do with a mangrove

Mangrove? Nah What's the yelling one? Mangrove isn't it? Not a fucking mangrove Screaming something Mand the yelling one? mangrove isn't it? not a fucking mangrove screaming something mandagora put it in the bin

John Dush's eardrums are ruptured nah or just cast a fire spell on it whatever you can't I really like the idea

of Miss Sprout being like alright John Dush it's time for your first test here's the mandagora. What are you doing? You're like...

You're like... Set it on fire. Start stabbing it with your wand. I wouldn't panic. It's a class. She says, keep those on or your eardrums will burst. Well, yeah, but that's what I mean.

I wouldn't... Oh, you mean for the test, right. When I tested you, you were like, throw it in the bin. Just throw it in the bin. Just like, smacking it against the bench, wanting it to die.

Well, if I'm good at... If I'm good at charms, I would just use a charm on it. Wingardium Leviosa. now it's yelling at Polly oh no what okay charms so like

is stuff like like history were you good at history I was okay yeah no no because that's the thing in high school like I just got like B's

all the time in everything you'd be the average student yeah B's not C's mate above average in everything. You'd be the average student, yeah? Bs, not Cs, mate. Above average in everything. Above average. I wasn't an A student.

All through high school was just teachers being like, you're so clever. What class were you the absolute best at, though? The class... What? But you can do better. That kind of shit. Like, imagine if you tried. You've got so much potential.

And I was like, yeah, but imagine how much less GameCube I'd be playing. Yeah, right? Such potential. I think that's probably the discussion we all got. Yep. Such potential. What are you doing with it? I don't know.

I had the one which was like, you got, I think, like an ATAR of like 89 or some shit. And then my folks and the teachers were like, now imagine if you tried. And I'm like i know xbox i'm a jedi oh my i got like mid 70s and they were like you could have easily cleared 85 and i was like could have but you pick first of all i picked dumb subjects i did chemistry in year 12 despite the fact that science means like, I don't care. I didn't do media.

I did not do media in high school at all. Dude, graphics. I think I did. I do not know. Drama. Special math. Why did I do that? What are you doing?

What was I doing? You would have done Jackson. You would have done like English. We all had to. I did literature, media, photography, philosophy, some other shit. Your school sounds made up. My school offered all of those subjects as well. The best thing about photography is that the teacher didn't give a shit and just left.

And that's why you got a 65. Yeah, exactly. Good shit. Good. Anyway. Anyway, so what was your absolute best of the line? The highest score I got Was in maths But that's because I was

I did further maths Which is like General mathematics Like the lowest level of maths You can do at the end of high school Okay There's not really a maths equivalent At Hogwarts

I was going to say numeracy Oh but I'm Good at writing Numerology It's just going to be charms I'm great at charms Okay so what is charms Is charms like

What do you call it Expelliarmus and shit What is charms That's a good question. I was going to ask that before, and I'm glad that now none of us have quite, like... I'll look up some charms. I think to me, charming is kind of like what,

what's his name again? Lockhart does, which is kind of like, stuff with your head, which kind of like makes you think something happened that didn't happen. Is that what charms is? No. That is a charm, though, I'm pretty sure.

That's a charm, but let's find out out a charm is a spell that adds certain properties to an object or creature okay so if you want to be like i want why am i on ebay all of a sudden buying the complete box set of harry potter all of a sudden like i want this teapot to have wings yeah dang we got transfiguration no that's that okay hang on here we go we go. A charm is a spell that adds certain properties to an object or creature. Charms are distinguished from transfigurations in that a charm adds or changes properties of an object. It focuses on altering what the object does as opposed to what the object is. For example, color change or levitation or cheering to improve everyone's mood or amplifying

which makes the sound louder or anti-alohomora like i need a support network i'm gonna make my cups cheer me and be like the little thing uh uh douchey powder you're so good oh yeah pour hot water on me oh scram it aqua eructo charm all right so charm changes what things do Transfiguration changes what they are So I guess I'd be better at charm When the mandagora is Screaming and yelling

You can be like Quiet Just more like no time That's transfiguration Sing me a song love Because right then and there There'd be so many wizards We didn't even think of that

Don't wish a visionary Jesus we're idiots Would you end up going into the locked room That Fluffy and the Philosopher's Stone is in Dumbledore at the start is like There's a locked room I'm pulling a god here I'm telling you where it is but don't touch it Seek

I would fail that instantly. Adam and Eve would go exactly the same way if I was Adam and Eve. That'd be so funny. It's like, it's over here, don't go in there. Excuse me, Dumbledore, where was it again? It was over here. Can you just... I'll make a map.

I'm X. I would get lost in Hogwarts heaps. I am bad at navigating, and that school is fucked. But that actually works to your advantage because Harry doesn't go to seek out the room. He just finds it by happenstance. You would find it by happenstance. Stuff like that happens to me all the time.

Hey, would you be Sasa Quirrell? Lad walking around with a turban on his head. White as hell. I'll say it. That's weird. I'd be pretty... A's weird I'd be pretty a bit I'd be concerned to why my forehead

felt like it was on fire when I was around him yeah but I guess you might not make the connection between Voldemort's face on his face I'd be good at

Defense Against the Dark Arts as well well actually I wouldn't no you wouldn't because your shit teaches what sorry? your shit teaches yeah

and my head would just hurt. Harry would just have a headache the whole time. That's the worst. I'm going to go lie down in the common room. I'm out. Joel Dushan does not learn any defense against the dark arts. My high school was big and I explored that heaps. I found this weird because I went to a private Catholic high school that used to have...

Well, you played lacrosse and polo on a horse. I didn't play polo on a horse, but I did play lacrosse for a bit. I played tennis on our tennis courts. Classic, vintage. Cricket on our cricket pitch. I played a lot of sports. Surprise. Just no contact sports. One kidney. Got me good.

But yeah, so do you think you would go and do the plot of the Philosopher's Stone? Who would you take with you? Say, because I'm assuming you would have found the... Hermione would definitely come. It depends on how me and Ron's friendship... I feel like it wouldn't just be us three, though. I'd probably be able to rope in...

Would you fucking, like... I reckon Malfoy. Would you almost stand by me this? When you and a bunch of other teens would go on a journey of self-discovery to try and go past Fluffy. So there'd be at least, you know, like a good... There'd be at least five of you.

Yeah. Yeah. I reckon because like... So you, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, you bring fucking Neville along? And Neville. Cedric's older. Yeah, Cedric's a year above you.

I'm not sure he's two. Never mind. That's one thing that's weird. Well, not so much weird but in in the in high school generally you don't really associate with people higher or lower unless you in say like the school production or a music class or whatever but hogwarts in hogwarts you are living with these people you just would it's just something strange that i've never really thought it's something we thought about but they would have interactions with older classmates. Well, Harry, that kid, the photographer kid,

that eats shit. What's his name? Colin Creedy? Yeah. Sure. Sure. He's one of them. Yeah, well, he's looking you below,

and Harry's just like, fuck off. So I can understand that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I just would assume that there'd be people. Let's say it's you, Malfoy, Ron, Hermione, and someone else. Neville? Whatever. He tries toalfoy, Ron, Hermione, and someone else. Neville, whatever.

He tries to stop you when you leave. No, not Neville. So when Neville's like, don't go, it's dangerous. I'd probably, oh no, I'm so bad at it. I was like, no, it'll be fine. He'd be like, no. It's real dangerous, you'll die. I was like, Neville, just go to sleep, man.

Don't stress. Would you charm him? Because that's what Harry does. Shoot him a smile. Winning charming smile of yours. Alright, so how do you get past Fluffy? Charms. This is the thing. Like, Harry's bad. He pays no attention to any of the classes. Yeah, true. He's just always

What charm do you use? Go to sleep? A musical one. Oh, wait. Yeah, no. There's the flute in that room. Isn't he already asleep? No. Yeah, he is. You've got to creep past him. Well, what I want to do is I want to see how many people die

when Dusha tries to get the philosophy stuff. As I was saying, what's your party size? Five? Five. So it's you, Hermione, Ron, Malfoy. Who else? Cho? Cho's a year above me as well, isn't she?

Take Colin McCready. He's not at school yet Bring him along I reckon there'd be someone from Ravenclaw That we haven't really seen much Dude from my Quidditch team, maybe Oh yeah, just like another chum Or your whole Quidditch team

The boys Actually, that is what I see you doing You wouldn't have Hermione, you wouldn't have Ron You would maybe have Malfoy But even then No I'd have Hermione Because You would have

Most of my close friends are girls in real life So Hermione and I would probably be sweet You'd have the boys Your Quidditch boys And Hermione But in the Griffin team Isn't the captain in the first year a female? No

I think in the second year she is But in the first year it's Oh no it's that Anyway It's mixed So I'm just wondering When he first joins Was there

Was it very mixed? So you're going to have Your boys and girls I like that I'm 11 So I'm just wondering, when he first joins Was it very mixed? Are you going to have your boys and girls I like that I'm 11 and I'm just like Fellas, lads Some of you are like 17 and you're listening to an 11 year old But let's go I found this weird 300 dollar You're the boy who survived four times

The boy who didn't die four times We're all good at beating Okay, so you get rid of Fluffy, you fall down You've landed on a tangle plant Oh yeah charms again I can just charms my way through This whole fucking thing Plus you also brought a lot of wizards

To like Yes For the fine key bit So many My whole Quidditch team would kill it Plus the chess game though Wizard chess No one else is good at wizard chess

Except for Ron Did you remember how to play? Did you ever learn wizard chess? I know how to play chess though I feel like wizard chess is different No is good at wizard chess except for Ron did you remember how to play did you ever learn wizard chess I know how to play chess though I feel like wizard chess is different no

it's the same it's just like you might you might get in fact I don't know why you might

you might not actually die just hey Ron don't ride a horse say the moves from the sideline yeah he should have

done that really that's kind of on Ron I'm not great at chess but I feel like that surely Hermione is pretty good at chess. And also you can kind of like brute force your way through

really. And like who cares if like what happens if we lose chess? You just don't get through. Because they're all like blocking things to get you through away from the Philosopher's Stone. Do you remember where the Philosopher's Stone is?

It's in the mirror. Yeah, there you go. John Lucia's fine. When I look at the mirror though, is it going to show... It won't show me my family. It'll probably just show me a picture of me.

I like to imagine it's you. With like a second kidney. Yeah. That's what I want. Second kidney, PlayStation 2. More than one year before it comes out. That would More than one year Before it comes out

That would be like Six years Before it comes out And all that Ron wanted Was to be Holding the Quidditch World Cup Aw Ron

I was like Oh he never gets Oh no he becomes a keeper Yeah It's kind of It's quite a Um It's not in this reality

I know I'm a beater Oh wait no I'm probably the keeper Do you know what Probably happened I'd probably start as keeper And then No I'd probably just be

whatever the not chaser just like a basic dude the dudes that go for the red bulls the quaffle yeah what are they called

quafflers the quaffs the quiff quaffs you have a seeker no a chaser it's chaser oh yeah it is chaser yeah I'd probably

just be a chaser because I feel like the chaser if you make the team it's a good general all round and then I feel like backup goalie and a chaser well I feel like I'd be a chaser. Because I feel like the chase, if you make the team chase... It's a good general all-round, you know. And then I feel like... You'd be like backup goalie and a chaser.

Well, I feel like I'd be a chaser and then like from there, when one of the twins dies later on, whatever. All right, let's speed through the next couple books, all right? Chamber of Secrets. Would I find the Chamber of Secrets? Yes. How? Pretty much the same way.

That's the problem. Like, I've realized that me and Harry, I do exactly a lot of the dumb shit he does, I also do, and it's always the dumb shit that leads to it. My social life would just be better. You basically end up just being Harry Potter with more friends.

More liked, more, I guess. Yeah. Actually, here's an interesting thing. In Chamber of Secrets, Ron probably doesn't free you Because you didn't bring him down in the dungeon You just stay with the Dursleys And they lock you away

And you have to get out some other way Ron and his brothers are like Do you want to get that fucking douche of Potter And he's like no he just took all the Quidditch team And Hermione and left me and fucking Neville No but the Quidditch team would include The Weasley brothers You'd be friends with

Fred and George you wouldn't be friends with Ron he's a cunt they're like nah

we're gonna get him he's a sick lad Ron's like no that's the thing Ron and I

mightn't be super close but he wouldn't hate me no but yeah but Fred and

George you would be maybe yeah that'd be good as fuck off I love

jokes I'm there for jokes yeah they'd be like when I bang I love jokes I'm there for jokes yeah and you'd be they'd be like when I bang Ginny that will hurt for Ron even more

he'd be like this guy I met on the train he's best friends with my bros and fucked my sister and also like he's invested in my bros joke store pretty much off the bat

yeah exactly never gives me any money poor little Ron yeah okay so me and Ron might end up being Voldemort in this situation. I mean, Voldemort still exists.

Ron might just jump off to the other side. He might, you know, anyway. When Voldemort's like, come on and I'll hug you. That's my favorite scene in any Harry Potter book because I know if I was there, I'd be like, I'm getting a hug. You'd be like, Jackson, no. Is that which scene? It's in the end of like The seventh one

And Voldemort's like Who'll join me On the You know The side of the Dark wizard The death eater Come along

And Malfoy's like I will And Malfoy comes along And Voldemort just gives him a cuddle And I just know If I was in the crowd I'd be like Holy shit

I want a cuddle from Voldemort It'd be so funny Coming in late And be like Oh is he giving out hugs? Voldemort's giving out cuddles I'm in Jackson's like

No no no no ah he's so gross to touch guys you should try this like touching what's going on i was asleep under

the bridge um okay so that's chamber of secrets i'd find the chamber of secrets again like it's just happenstance

it's just happenstance and also like i do don't like plus although would melfoy's dad hate you? Because... Probably not if you're chums with Malfoy. If you're chums with Malfoy,

he just changes that relationship with Malfoy. No, but it's my parents and stuff like that. Yeah, he'd still hate me. It would be really weird because Malfoy probably wouldn't understand. Malfoy would be told by his dad probably not to hang out with me and he wouldn't understand why.

And but then you'd hang out with Malfoy even more because... That's how bonds are formed. When you're told not to do something you want to do it more that is literally my entire life silly lucius you dickhead so i reckon you and malfoy are going to be super i think malfoy is going to be your ron weasley really like you wanted this from the start it's accidentally happened only because like you started off as being slightly good friends with him or not even this not even okay with him.

But the moment his dad is like, don't hang out with that douche-a-potter, he's going to be like, fuck you, dad. That's because I'm a cool guy. He's rad. Well, that too. That helps. That does help.

I find Chamber of Secrets... It'd be funny if I reached into the sorting hat and didn't pull out... Got a Gryffindor sword and pulled out a kidney. That will always be there for students that need it. Can you reach out? It's like fucking whatever this Slytherin thing is. A Slytherin dagger. You're like, that ain't right.

Or I guess. Oh, wait, but I'm a Horcrux. That's correct. So it might just have something to do with that. That'd be super fun. I don't really know how that hat works, if I'm honest with you. Swords are sick, though. So if I was like, I really need a sword it's probably gonna grab my back yeah yeah yeah it would because you know and in the situation like yeah yeah what about lockhart would you be like he's a sick lad

from or would you just i would hate him so much i'd be like shut the fuck up mate and when you when it was like lockhart's like oh i'll'll go do it, let me just get my things ready You'd be like he's not going to fucking do it He's going to run Lockhart goes to jail I think Lockhart is exposed Pretty quickly Alright so let's say

Not out the Chamber of Secrets I am Lord of Voldemort Tom Riddle Book 3, serial killers coming for you They're like Sorted. I am Lord of Voldemort. Tom Riddle. What? Book three. Serial killers coming for you. They're like, ooh, keep it on the DL. Night boss. Killed your dude.

Make your aunt inflate. Oh, yeah, Dobby. How do you cope with Dobby? I think Dobby's still staying a slave. I got no time for Dobby. I don't like Dobby. Oh, no. That's just...

I've just sealed my fate at the end of the books. But that's fine. I've probably got no time for Dobby because you've got the whole you know you're kind of threatening your parent

or your step parents to be like I will cause fucking magic on you guys exactly so the moment Dobby drops a cake on your aunt or whatever

you're like Dobby fuck me Dobby piece of shit Dobby no I don't think Dobby because Dobby comes in in Chamber of Secrets

doesn't he yeah I probably have no time for him straight off the bat. Yeah, true. Just because like, he's so annoying. He's just so annoying.

I agree. No, I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. Some people are like, no, he's not.

He looks like a fucking wet sock. Yeah. And he's just, all this, like just running his mouth constantly. I hate it. Harry Potter, Dusha Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.

Smack him one lock him in a cupboard I'd be like why because I can't say no you'd be pestering him you'd be breaking his ball

he'd be like you can't go back I'd be like why not and he'd be like no I don't but tell me and I'd be like

you can't and I'd be like fine I don't care anymore it's my favourite game to play I'd give a shit then Dobby Dobby'd be like

it's Voldemort Gotcha good Chamber of secrets The fuck's that I can't I've said too much I don't care Fine go fuck yourself

Also It's beneath the bathroom And like he'd be Smacking himself And you wouldn't stop him You'd be like Alright Fine

Lie on your fingers I'd be like What are you doing You crazy son of a bitch Yeah you're right You have that None of that Like sort of Not empathy But that none of that um like like

sort of not empathy but that level of compassion yeah or just compassion i really imagine dobby waiting for the sock and you're like anyway go on off you go mate all right so yeah uh ask a band they're like there's a serial killer coming for you what do you do how are you reacting to that how does joel ducha react to Sirius Black is back? I'd probably be like, honestly, at this point, I'm not surprised. The last few years have been kind of rough. A teacher's tried to kill me twice.

True. I'm not really that phased. What do you see when the fucking Remus Lupin opens the Boggart hole and shows you a Boggart? What does it turn into for you? What's your greatest fear? Yeah. Four.

I don't know. That's a heavy question. What does Harry see? His parents dying? No, he sees a Dementor. Yeah. And freaks out. Oh, yeah.

Dementors are common. You'll be right. I'll be sweet. Dementor will be like, oh. Oh, wait, no. Because isn't the reason that D the mentors are fucked for Harry because he's a horcrux and he's full of evil

maybe no cuz they just show you your worst memory and psych your soul oh no they take the worst fear and the big of the mentors are fear so they feed off fear they don't really feed off evil so honey cuz like a little fears like his death you'd be like your biggest fear is like happy life living eternal like oh my god

eternal life is what I see I just see like 10 text messages on my phone from my friends and I'm like this sounds like a hassle I'm not gonna look too many text messages from different people I'm like oh someone's angry at me

and then you gotta go ridiculous or whatever and the text messages become like I don't know like a nice messages from different people. I'm like, oh, someone's angry at me. And then you've got to go ridiculous or whatever and the text messages become like, I don't know, like a ball. Nice messages from one person. Yeah, good. Another important thing that Harry learns in that one, what's your Patronus? What is Jill Dush's Patronus?

It'll be something stupid. Like actually, Silverback Gorilla. Silverback Gorilla. Because like the elk or whatever Is just like And it's like When you're getting attacked by the dementors Back in time

It would just be like Donkey Kong Tearing dementors out of the sky And smacking them into the ground And here's something like that Classic smack Nah, seek I'm loving this one Time turners though, I would be like, hey Hermione

I have some questions no, not even questions, I'm like give it me let's go on some adventures let's go on some adventures and then the book should derail completely because I'd just be having time adventures that's true, like the moment you get

time travel, I feel Like we are no longer learning about the adventures of Harry Potter. Now it's the adventures of Jal Dusha time wizard. Yeah. I think that's going to be like... Me and Hermione and maybe Malfoy. It depends on what Hermione and Malfoy's relationship is. They'd cop it. There's always

been a bit of sexual tension between the two. I'll admit it. I'll say it. That'd be very funny just to be like, when did Voldemort, when was he, when did, hang on, first off,

you'd be like, when did my, when was my, my, my parents die again? Oh, he's going to turn that back to cool. And there he is.

Smack him in the mouth. Good. Hey, mom. Hey, dad, it's me, that kid.

It's me. Oh, no, no, that would change everything though. I'd be cleverer than that. Cause like, but you'd be,

you'd be a man out of the time stream. you'd be a man out of the time stream. I'd be a man out of the time stream. It depends how these work. I really like the idea of Dumbledore being like, you need to save Buckbeak and Sirius Black. Here's a time turn. I'm like, you've given me time travel, so I guess I can just fuck around for a bit.

Get back to that later. Hermione, let's go on adventures. You'd be going back and your parents would be like punch Voldemort in the head like hang on hey Voldy

when were you born back in I like the idea of not punching him in the face like punching him in the back

of the head oof fucking John Dushan travels through time and King hits evil dudes because at that

point because you know do you know about Sirius? No. Yeah, you do. You know he's a good lad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd probably save, look, to be honest, I'd probably save him. I'm not just going to let a man die.

Actually, hang on. Hang the fucking phone. So if Joel Dusha is not friends with Ron Weasley, that means Peter Pettigrew never comes back. with Ron Weasley. That means Peter Pettigrew never comes back. That means you never learn that Sirius Black

is your uncle. Which means that Voldemort never rises up again. I did it. Ron Weasley just kicks it with his rat Like Because you need Peter Pettigrew To come and take off his hand

And shit like that That's so funny But Remus would look at the Marauder's map And see it anyway Instead of it all happening at the Shrieking Shack Ron Weasley is reading a book in his bed And fucking Remus Llip bursts in. Pat a groove!

I was like, what? Turns a rat into a man, kills the man. In the middle of fucking Gryffindor. Yeah, exactly. Fred and George are there. Everybody's like, what is happening? That rat has seen me masturbate. What is going on?

All right, so that's book three. That's book three to seven, sorted. Voldemort's not coming back. And I'm just fucking off through the time stream with Hermione. That changed some things. That changed some things. So are you ever going back to Hogwarts?

Like a 24-year-old, 25-year-old man? I hear there's a Triwizard tournament. That sounds like something I'd be interested in. That is something you would be interested in. Mad-Eye Moody. Having Peter Pettigrew having failed. Fun fact, in high school, and I don't know why my life just always seems to go this way, any time there's been names drawn out of a thing to do things...

You got chosen? Every time. Well, I feel like Mad-Eye Moody still puts your name in anyway. Yeah. He charms that shit. Yeah, even... Yeah, Buddy Crash Jr.? Mm-hmm.

Even with Peter Pettigrew being exposed... He's going to be like that fucking rat piece of shit Hit out I'm getting Potter I'm getting him back I'm sending him to the dark We'll figure out a way Because I think it's just arm of the servant

And he has many And he's got a lot Fucking Lucius Malfoy's dad Lucius is going to lose an arm And that might put fucking Malfoy back on your side Because then he's going to be When did I lose Malfoy's dad Lucius He's gonna lose an arm And that might put Fucking Malfoy back on your side Yeah exactly Because then he's gonna be

When did I lose Malfoy? No it seems like he's gonna be Real far into your camp He's like my dad's gone My dad has gone nuts Voldemort's back Come live with me Under the cupboard in the stairs

I know I'm I'm an old Like I'm like a Young adult now Because I Travelled for years Through time That would have been years

I'd probably do it for a bit And then it'd be like We should probably I would more just use it As like my holidays Cause I Who would go with you? Hermione because I travelled for years through time. That would have been years. I'd probably do it for a bit and then it'd be like, we should probably, I would more just use it as like my holidays because I- Who would go with you? Hermione. Yeah, Hermione's the only one.

I mean, you'd take other people. Would you take other people? Would you take, say, Malfoy? Your bro Malfoy? Probably, yeah. Your Quidditch lads and ladettes? My entire Quidditch team through time. What's your relationship with Dumbledore like?

Like, Dumbledore, does he bring you into the office for a debrief at the end? Well, if we're basing it on, again, my high school, it just sounds like, I just realized that high school sounds like a movie where I was the main character. That's everybody, how they think of high school. No, no, no. It's like, yeah, like my principal liked me and knew me by name.

So yeah, you got a good rapport with Dumbledore. Yeah, okay, cool, cool. So who, whatever, so you're not great at Quidditch. You're no Harry Potter. No, I'm not as good as Harry Potter. When you get the Firetail Dragon, also, I don't know how good friends you are with Hagrid. Like, do you see him much?

Because if you're not- Yes, because we had a, again, we had a groundskeeper at our school that had a secret Pepsi machine. That's great. That's amazing. He gave me dollar bottles of Pepsi machine. That's great. That's amazing. He gave me dollar bottles of Pepsi Max.

It was sick. So you'd be chums with Hagrid in the hopes of a secret Pepsi machine. What do you like with animals? I don't mind animals. I like them. Dogs are sick. Cats are trash,

but that's fine. So I think you'd get along well. Fuck me, it's more a dog than a cat. That's true. So I think you'd get along with Hagrid and all the animals and shit. So he'd give you the like the DL and be

like yo no situations like that where teachers because I pretty much my brain goes like I can be friends with this person and that would result in

bludgeoning in the future like I'm gonna get out of things through I'm gonna get something out of this so it might not even be that Hagrid tells you what dragons

coming up you're just like hey Hagrid any news on the first triwizard test? I'm like, oh, I can't tell which dragon. I can't tell which dragon. Dragons, and this is the fire tale. Do you know what's funny?

I just put me in, I'm just like, Avada Kedavra. And it's the year you learn the unforgivable curses too, so you'd know it. Because, yeah, would you have it? And if you learn the unforgivable Curses too so you'd know it Would you What the fuck Having learned It got used on me four times

Having Mad-Eye Moony Harry would be good at it too he's a horcrux Having Mad-Eye Moony Booty Teaching you the unforgivable curses Honestly I would probably use that as a clue Yeah I'd probably use one you the unforgivable curses, would you use them? Yeah, I'd probably use one on the dragon. That's amazing.

I think, why would you not? You'd be like, Crucio! No, I'd panic and just Avada Kedavra. I'd just love it if you called him an egg and everyone's like, what? You're like, winner!

It's Avada Kedavra Crucio And Imperius Oh wait What's the one where you control Imperio Oh then I'd probably go with that one Imperius

Done Dragon Hand me the egg Everyone's like Everyone Did I win? Everyone's like Boo

Crucio? Yes Those screams sound like cheers now Yes You want him to Avada Kedavra Is that Those screams sound like cheers now Yes Avada Kedavra Is that Did I win I feel like Avada Kedavra might happen

I just think that's Just in a panic It's a killing curse Go for the kill I think you try and sneak it And you'd see it's chained And then you'd kill a dragon I feel like I'd use Imperio I can't say it you'd try and sneak it and you'd see his chain like, Avada Kedavra. And then you'd kill a dragon. No,

I feel like I'd use Imperial, well, I can't say it. Imperial. Yep, there you go, Avada Kedavra.

It's Imperial, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. That'd be sweet. Yeah. It would be Imperial. I'd get it to hand me the egg.

Yeah, people would be not happy. People would be like, that's a crime. That's like a felony, a wizard felony. But then you might just get Moody kicked out.

You might just be like, yeah, Moody taught it to us. And they'd be like, what? I honestly thought this was like a hint. Why was he teaching crimes in school? And they'd be like, Moody, you're fired. Yeah. Sorted. And then who?

Then he doesn't curse the cup and then you don't get yours. You just win. Cedric killed. You just win the triwizard tournament that's all right which which who gets put under the lake for you probably hermione nah i reckon fucking malfoy mate you and him are in my head in my fan fiction in my slash fiction of this you and slash fiction ah fan fiction you and draco are like just pals in the not I sleep with all

no that's not the right I think it would still be well no because Hermione gets given to Crumb yeah they choose like I just I think because

you and Hermione aren't going to be like Ron and Hermione where they kind of have that sexual tension even Harry and Hermione have that sexual tension there would be none of that

you'd have no time for that you'd just be like bros I reckon you'd be good bros with her because you'd be wanting to go again I have so time for that you'd just be like bros i reckon you'd be some good bros with her because you'd be wanting to go i have so many friends with like boyfriend i'm like not just friends i reckon it'd be i reckon malfoy like he's your bff he's your he's your Aaron yeah yeah exactly Malfoy yeah like Aaron Muggle Aaron You're just like swimming Aaron

If you had like a real good rapport With like Dumbledore Hey what's Dumbledore doing over there Dumbledore is I didn't want this This is not for me Imagine I find out And they're like you need to

Cause you know how I find out about the dragons And I use the imperial curse That's alright I find out that they're like You need to Like Cause you know how I find out About like dragons And I use the Imperium curse That's alright I find out that they're like Oh they're taking someone I just become really good friends With one of the ghosts

Just trick them Trick them Nearly headless Nick and me Sick Chums forever Yeah No I'd probably It'd be Malfoy

Or Muggle Aaron Or Muggle Aaron Muggle Aaron I'd be so happy to see him Hey Muggle Aaron I'd be happy to see him Hey Muggle Aaron He'll be like I haven't seen you in like six years Because I've been to shitty school

Pop him out of the water He's like what is this What is happening Aaron would be a squib for sure Yeah Gillyweed though Because you know Neville and that kind of stuff Oh Neville gives me the Gillyweed doesn't he

Can you think of another way Not the gillyweed doesn't he? Can you think of another way not involving gillyweed? Charms, I just charm myself There's no charm that does it There'd be a charm that would give me gills 100% The shark curse I gotta kiss crumbs like I'm a shark now Atmospheric charm, banishing Atmospheric charm

Beauty spell,mospheric charm I'll make the water Bird conjuring charm That's not a charm What? Small explosions Explode the sea Baking charm

Bubble head charm Oh no there is Yeah The most effective spell For breathing underwater In any environment Where fresh air is added Premium

One supply of oxygen I just do the same thing Yeah Bubble head charm I was imagining you like on the pier and somebody does a shark head when you like good idea I

probably hit it off with um chow crumb crumb yes crumb but also what's her name fluid the phyllis flu flur

flur I think not good if you're calling the flu I called her flur he called her flu

flu phyllis you're confusing her with flu powder what I think you do pretty good but then if you're going through I mean if Mad-Eye Moody hopefully

he's in jail for teaching students plus he's already cursed the I really like that they have him in jail Mad-Eye Moody And then as he was getting less and less access to Polyjuice He just becomes Buddy Crouch Jr And they're like oh sweet

We did it He was Buddy Crouch sick that's great Because imagine this happening at the same time as the maze run So as it's sort of happening You know those detective films And they're like oh my god there's something going wrong so you're still going to be transported would you be like nah cedric let's hold this together or you're like fuck off cedric it's mine or or you're like nah cedric it's yours because that'd be super funny what does what does

gel do should well it depends because if the cup's still charmed but cup is still charmed no i think he's helped you out with the water thing, because you helped him out with the dragon. Would you have helped him out with the dragon, being like, oh, he's Cedric, dragons. Probably. Yeah, I'm real bad at that. If I find socialism.

No, yeah, I'm usually like that. This just sounds like me bragging. My life is just like this, guys. We know, it's fine so yeah so you had the very end Cedric would both grab would you be like Cedric let's both grab but I'm like this is fun yeah I know because it would be funny like that would be funny for me to be like yeah we're both like hey let's fuck the system maybe just this is gonna win let's see what they have to do yeah it

would be like that you saw like sort of like are we gonna have to split the cup or the only thing is I was like what if it's a draw then we have to do yeah it would be like that we saw like sort of like are we gonna have to yeah split the cup or the only thing is i was like what if it's a draw then we have to do another thing we'd probably be standing there talking about it for ages fucking crumb would come up yeah you'd be like look i don't see crumb anytime crumb runs up grabs it disappears we're just like huh i didn't know it was meant to do that that That's weird. It's just like, that was dumb. But then we're like, wait, that's probably not right. And then send up a flare. They come in, they're like, oh god, Krom

dies. We win. We can't be dead and win. Does that mean... Did they erect a statue to Cedric? I feel like they should have. Fit Hogwarts. They should have done something. So Krom dies, and you win the Pro Wizard tournament Hermione is in tears

Actually no Because Chrom If she's If she's interested in Chrom Me and Chrom would probably Be good friends It'll be a fucking Three way tie

Who else was in the thing? That'd be so funny Chrom comes in We're like Hey Chrom He's like What's going on? You wanna

We're all three guys? I don't know Maybe Yeah sick Yeah sick And then Chrom yes yes and then we're like guys this is going to be very funny trust me and then then fleur comes in fleur comes in grabs it you're like ah but then like we're all quitting pretty good wizards um that'd be so funny all four of you converge and you're having this chat wouldn't it be funny fuck the system we all all of us grab it one two three yeah

but then like that trade because i feel like that look harry and like what some of you are gonna die the four of you that enter that uh uh graveyard yeah well it won't be like it won't have a cadaver yeah someone straight off the bat to prove their dominance. Maybe Crumb? I think he's... It's probably going to be Crumb. Crumb would probably be the one to be more like most aggressive and ready to fight. I reckon, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

You and Cedric and Flo might be like, whoa. I'd be like, what the fuck? Voldemort comes back, he's like... I feel like I'd be facing the wrong way when I got back. Plus, if you... Also, you know the killing curses. So they'd be facing the wrong way when I got back plus if you also you know the killing curses so they'd be like Avada Kedavra

fucking incredible like Jesus Christ that's the time Avada Kedavra Avada Kedavra Avada Kedavra I'd kill Peter Pettigrew and then I come back

and I'm like I killed him do they take your blood because they need your blood they can have it if they want wait no this form things have to go real different though because like they kill Do they take your blood? Because they need your blood. They can have it if they want. Wait, no. There's four.

Things will have to go real different, though, because they kill Cedric, and then I'm dropped to the floor. But if they kill... Because there'd be four of you there. It'd be a different turn of events. It would be a massacre. I'd come back being like, I had to kill a man. They might be able to collect your blood from a rock or something.

I would say, so we get voldemort back you you fleur and cedric maybe survive and but not chrome he's he's a chrome yeah no chrome would die definitely him um and i reckon maybe you've had like uh like either the half-blood prince no actually i'd probably oh yeah septus septum yeah and that's sort of slash so you got a bit of blood On the rock They'll get that blood That way Voldemort comes Yeah okay He gets my blood

That's fine Actually I'd probably be like He'd kill Chrom I'd be like What the fuck Not my friends you dick It's between us Come on man

Come on man And then he'd try and do And then we'd get the king And then Chrom would be One of my ghosts Yeah Chrom ghost Chrom ghost

And he'd be like, what? This fucker killed me? Smack him in the back of the neck. Yes. King it him. All right. So. Actually, I'm not a fucking idiot.

I'd use the time turner to stop Crumb from dying after that. And it's Hermione as well. Hermione, your boyfriend is dead. Let's fix this. Let's sort this shit out. Wait in the graveyard. All their gathering come out. Avada Kedavra.

Avada Kedavra. Avada Kedavra. Even Expelliarmus. Expelliarmus. Expelliarmus. Dumbledore. Yep. They're here.

No, because the cops still are portkey. Yeah. Yeah. I just grab like, just be like. Oh, a fucking turn. You're the time turn. I'd be like, ah, Dumbledore. Mad-Eye Moody.. Mad-Eye Moody.

Not Mad-Eye Moody. Buddy Crouch Jr. Buddy Crouch Jr. He's cursed the cop. That'll send you to Voldemort if you want to get him in a real weekend stay. Yeah, so...

If we just want to get a bunch of Auroras... Hmm? Auroras? Auroras, yeah. Auroras, Auroras. Just everyone just... Aurora Borealis.

Some Aurora Borealis. Imagine! We all just... Voldemort... Or Peter Pettigrew's waiting with Voldemort in a cauldron. And then he's expecting Harry Potter to come through, but instead just gets... Like six fucking Auroras. Basically a wizard SWAT team.

You can't... What? And John Dusha kind of stops the war before it even begins. Yeah. It's just a time turner. It's super easy. And especially if crumb dies because hermione

would be like yes there's more incentive yeah yeah so i guess jill ducher as the boy who lived sorts it out by book four

i don't find out that i'm a horcrux though which is an issue oh yeah you become voldemort then because he can come back as

long as all the horcruxes exist yeah yeah but i've already killed one because i stabbed the snake you killed the snake yeah oh he can come back as long as all the Horcruxes exist. But I've already killed one because I stabbed the snake. You killed the snake, yeah. He can come back as long as any of the Horcruxes exist.

He's going to come back when you're like 33. What? Who? What's this shit? Voldemort. But I'm already in aura. This will be fine. Let's work this out.

But then you do have to deal with the fact that you are a Horcrux. What's that going to do? Probably nothing because Voldemort's just going to keep dying. If you start out everything else and just keep yourself a Horcrux, what's that going to do? Probably nothing, because Voldemort's just going to keep dying. If you start out everything else and just keep yourself a Horcrux, Voldemort never comes back in his full power. You can probably just wait until you die of old age.

And Voldemort's then fucked. Can I die of old age if I'm a Horcrux? Yeah. Oh, no. I think so. That is just too... You got eternal life! No!

You found your greatest fear. And only Voldemort can kill me, because he's the only one You got eternal life. No. You found your greatest fear. This is the one. And only Voldemort can kill me because he's the only one who can destroy the Horcrux. Might stab myself with a sword. Like a basilisk. Yeah, with a basilisk too. Oh, man.

No, because then the venom would kill. I need something that would... Be quick? No, it has to be the killing curse of Voldemort because if I stabbed myself with Godric Gryffindor's sword, that would defeat the Horcrux, sure, but then I'd still have a sword through me and me as a mortal that would kill me straight away.

I guess I could just do that when I'm ready to die. Yeah, just wait till you're old enough. A mortal except by suicide. That's alright. That's kind of the dream. Everyone's like the boy who survived four times. The boy who lived four times but then died the fifth. By his own hand

It's kind of a tale But really you're just like a stepping stone In a larger operation to take down Voldemort I guess if you use the time turner In a little bit more, you know With a bit more nous than Harry does You can nip it in the bud by book four And I have more friends as well

So people care about me You wouldn't need anyone being shut down Sirius survives, you can go live with him Yeah, it's sick Umbridge, not a hassle I mean, look, you've kind of left the wizarding world With a lot of dark wizards still amongst it But Voldemort's gone

No, because if you get a SWAT team Like a SWAT wizard team Into the graveyard, you sort of arrested a lot of the dark wizards of that. Granted, the biggest problem now is getting Voldemort as he comes back, you know, as he keeps coming back. Well, if you just set, like, there's not a war happening, so you can just set the SWAT team after all the Horcruxes.

Like, they'll be better at it than four teams. When does Albus Dumbledore find out about the Horcruxes? I think he always knows So at that point he's going to be like Harry Guess what Douche a potter Douche a potter

Guess what These are some things Well done for killing him Good job for killing the well baby Yeah Super sick Good move So I guess now

That plot stops So we need to destroy some Horcruxes I'd probably still so my score would be the same except in my off time I guess I'd be helping hunt Horcruxes and plus Albus Dumbledore maybe with the help of the Ministry of Magic and Auroras because

look we saw him Voldemort was a well baby we all saw that there he was come the fuck on so you wouldn't have that disbelief of the general wizarding public. And also... Dumbledore is himself a Horcrux. He's going to have to...

No, he's not. Dumbledore's not a Horcrux. Isn't he? I don't know, but he has to die. No, he doesn't. He fucks up a Horcrux. Because basically... Why does Dumbledore have to die then?

Because, you know, the stone... He's a mob. I thought he was the Elder Wand. He's dying. He's dying already. Oh, he's got cursed. he's dying he's dying already he's got cursed because the stone

that lets you see your no new charms fuck you know the stone that lets you see the resurrection stone because he knows

the horcrux and because he got a little bit too sentimental and wanted to see his dead sister again he used it and got cursed

and that's why he's slowly dying and he's like snake fuck me off and that's then he's like kill me snake so they trust you snake survives yeah yeah true snake survives that's why he's slowly dying and he's like Snape fuck me off and then he's like kill me Snape so they trust you

Snape survives yeah yeah true Snape survives that's nice he's nice I wouldn't like Snape that much no you wouldn't

but I probably don't want him to die that's true but yeah I think yeah you've sort of sorted everything but book four

that's nice good on you good on you really that MVP was the time turner not gonna lie yep

pretty much with that you kind of solved most of the problems yeah like big ups big ups the only thing I'd have to deal with

is Chrom and Hermione being together and Chrom being like what do you mean I was dead and I'd be like look doesn't matter

I was in a reality where I saw you die it's a bit stressful I have a bit of sweaty dreams about it every now and then the only issue that I'd actually seen with the time-turner

is that Chrome and I might end up grading a bit because of our relationship to the mic. What? No. Neither of us. Especially not yours, Jack. Is it immutable or is it immutable time-stream? As in, can you actually change the past? Actually, to be honest

yeah you can't they can't it's not how the time turner works because the time turner means you've always been there yeah

it's actually sort of super stupid but if you think about it in book three when the gang go back in time everything that they do had already happened

that means that crumb would never die yeah but if crumb had died you couldn't use a time turner to take it back so unfortunately the time turner to take it back so unfortunately the time turner is not as no but it means there's a saving grace as it actually no i

would just it would be exactly the same as the way harry uses it serious black never dies crumb never does be the same thing i'm trying to think about how the time turner works though it would have to be you wouldn't see crumb dying ever you would just know about the plot And then a bunch of auroras would just pop up Yeah yeah It'd be kind of like Bill and Ted You'd Bill and Ted it You'd Bill and Ted Harry Potter

Oh hang on It's a port key I'm going to use a time turner Oh sweet I did Boss I'm the best at this And then I get a Crumb I'm going to use a time turner. Boop. Oh, sweet, I did. Boss. God, I'm the best at this. And then I get a boop crown. I'm like, yeah, good.

See. I love it. This is the best for me. So I think it would be less about reacting and more to be like, I am going to be using the time turner. I'd probably date Cho Chang over Ginny, by the way. Oh, yeah.

Fair. She seemed like she had a bit more of a head on her shoulders. But she wouldn't be sad because of, like, she'd maybe go on with Cedric, though. Yeah, Cedric doesn't die. You're out of luck, son. Yeah, that's right, because she's Cedric's girlfriend. Yeah, unless you want to cut... Harry's a dick!

Unless you want to cut Cedric's lunch. Nah. Not about that. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel Potter. Joel Dusha Potter. Joel Dusha Potter.

The boy who lived four times and didn't die. The boy who didn't die four times, but then he died a fifth time by his own hand. And he was done with it all. Rest in peace. The end. We loved you. And this is all official canon.

J.K. Rowling said so. Yep. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50,

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