Plumbing the Death Star - Which One of the Plumbing Boys Would Make a Better Dumbledore and Why is it Joel Zammit?

Episode Date: June 19, 2016

In which our heroes get a prestigious teaching position, find out about a terrible prophecy, and mark a child for death as we wonder which Plumbing Boy would make the best Dumbledore and why is it Joel Zammit? We discuss the difficulty of slaughtering Harry Potter, do some excellent British accents, and explain souls. Jackson wonders if Dumbledore has a bed, Duscher once again turns to suicide, and Zammit just oblviates his way out of most problems. So run a school poorly, consume more lemon sherbets than is strictly reasonable, and then die for vague reasons in a tower. It might not be the best to fight the Dark Lord but at least they’ll get an education this time round.Want to help Zammit put in a curriculum? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can start changing this school for the better.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Stan Spence Radio. Ten more years. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Eaters, where we ask the important questions like, which one of the plumbing boys would make a better Dumbledore, and why is it Joel Zammett? Well, here's the thing. I think Dumbledore doesn't put a lot of, I guess, importance to education. Well, I think the first, first of all, why you're the best choice out of us three, teaching experience. Yes.

Me and Lucia, not so much. I got a bit. I worked at a school for a year. I've taught people how to do things. No, I've worked at a school. Yeah, not me. But do I care about the kids? No.

But John's like, well, neither does Dumbledore, let's be honest. Hey, that's the thing. The episode is who would make a better Dumbledore, not who would be Dumbledore. So I just don't think he puts a lot of emphasis on education. Okay. He doesn't do it for the kids. He does it for the kicks. Yeah, you kind of only see him

Doing a lot of head mastering You know what I mean? Well what's required of a head master? I was gonna say He's not very hands on More than Lemon Sherbert Or whatever the fuck he likes Also I'd make an open door policy

Maybe not have a fucking Door with a password Okay That you need to be Kind of real cluey Guess who's breaking in And stealing your Lemon Sherbert That's alright

This wizard Right here That's alright forks is they always keep in guard fuck jackson stole your sherbets again i'm like ah that's scamp i can get sherbets elsewhere i don't need to go to your office um so okay so i guess what's required of dumbledore is that he also as well as running a school trains harry potter to eventually be slaughtered yeah i was I was going to say, I thought you were going to say trains Harry Potter.

I was like, no, no, no, it leads him to the slaughter. Yeah. So how are you going about that? See, this is my, I have two, like, two... Kill him yourself? Good answer. Potentials, yeah. One is you do what Dumbledore does

and just make it real sneaky on the side and just be like, oi, Snape. Got a couple of issues. Or just be straight up, Oi, Ari. You're all crux. All right, let's have that conversation then. I haven't played this role before,

so I guess I'll be... You're the boy who lives? Yeah, I'm the boy who... All right, so where will this be set? This will be set... First year. First year? No, no, no, not first.

Not first year, that's for sure Harry's still like I'm a what? So he knows none of that You're a wizard, Harry And a thumping good one Also, you're a horcrux You're gonna die soon

What? I? What are you saying? I don't understand any of this My mom's dead Classic So not the first year Maybe by about When when he discovers like before

when i discover magic so still first no like i was gonna say when he when um dumbledore has discussion about you need to hunt down the horcruxes oh wow so like see uh like seventh book i know sixth book yeah maybe seventh seventh book but also i'd probably know i'd probably put it maybe just after because when does this because just dumbledore he knows dumbler is well aware of what a horcrux is from like the word dot from day dodd he's aware yeah so i would probably after the triwizard tournament yeah that okay so when everyone's dealing with some trauma to do with Cedric, I'd be like, Cedric's dead. Cedric's dead. What is happening?

First my mom, now my mate. Cedric's dead. Cedric's dead. Oh, it went all right. You brought your apples and pears. Bangers and mash and bloody dead Cedric.

Cedric's brown bread, Dumbledore. He's brown bread. Stick up walking him him What the fuck Stick a fork in him He's done He's fucking done So I take

Classic I take Harry aside Okay After like you know Was that immersed Unlistenable for 20 seconds Correct Take Harry aside

After Moody's Cedric's dead Moody's been revealed As a body crouch, all that kind of stuff. I'll be Harry. I'll be Harry. Tell me everything. Tell me everything.

You can be Minerva. Yeah, all right. I'll be Michael. You can be Snape. Fuck it, because he knows shit. I'm in on everything. So you can... All right.

Mr. Potter, could you... Hey, I'm going to be old. Old and British... Yes, so, so. All right. Mr. Potter, could you hang on me? Old, old, old and British. Old and British. British. There we go. That is Xavier. Yes. What's a great...

Dumbledore. Dumbledore. There you go. There we go. Good enough. All right. This is it now. Harry Potter,

tell me all about what happened in the cemetery. Quick side note, are you still giving me a deathly hallow? Which ones are those? I don't know quite right yet what to explain yourself. Because six years ago you needed to make

a decision whether or not I should get the invisibility cloak. Oh, of course I've given you that. That's fine. That's probably a mistake. Yes, I'm aware but hey, I'm aware, but hey. I'm an old man. All right, so tell me about what happened in this cemetery. Well... So you don't have to, it's fine.

You told me that. All right. Young Mr. Potter. So what is happening is that Voldemort can't die. I keep calling Voldemort Dumbledore that's a problem I have in life That's alright I often call Churchill Hitler So the reason

Why Voldemort can't die Is because He's got something called Horcruxes And what this is meaning Is he split his soul Into at least seven things Okay Sick split his soul into at least seven things. Okay. Sick.

And anyone can do this. This can just anyone if they want can. So basically anybody could but it comes at a grave cost. You have to murder a cunt. Language. Murder a dude. You're Snape aren't you? Language professor. cost you have to murder a cunt language murderer dude

you're Snape aren't you language professor murderer guy celebrity classic I've been looking into Voldemort or Tom Riddle that's his name he's passed

and I've been realising that he's a very sentimental bastard. So all these things of sentimental value, he's made horcruxes. And we have to hunt them down and destroy them. Okay. Yeah, that sounds all right. So we're pretty sure his snake is one of them. Yep.

I'm pretty sure all these other stuff, like a tiara and a locket and a stone and all this other kind of stuff. So we've got a list. It's here. That's okay. That sounds all right. Now, if you can see this list.

Yeah, I've thought him. Now, if you see the last thing on the list, that's your name. What? So what happened? Well that's an easy one to track down How do I get it out of me? Let me get to that

So things to destroy them Professor I'm not going to lie I'm kind of on edge here I know just have a lemon chip Because you keep saying destroy But I see my name on the list Have a lemon chip Not really a fan to be honest

Okay How about one of these beetle bug things? my name on this. Have a lemon shirt. Not really a fan to be honest. Okay. How about one of these beetle bug things? Do you have any chocolate fries? Yes! As many as you want. We'll fatten you up. Like a pig to the... A cow to the slaughter, some might say.

No, no, that's come off wrong. A pig to the slaughter. So basically What has happened Is that when he Avada Kedavra'd you Yes, I know, very sad Lily was a true Just an angel amongst wizards

Anyway Angel amongst lizards? Wizards Why would I say lizards, Harry? What? I mean, yes Angel amongst lizards? Wizards. Why would I say lizards, Harry? Kid with it. What? I mean, yes, we have one lizard teaching potion, but that has nothing to do with anything.

So, because with the Avacadavarin, what's happened is he's put a little tiny bit of his soul into you, which means, I mean, you know that time you talk to snakes? No. That's why. Because he's got a little bit of Voldemort inside you. So I wasn't talking to snakes. It was Voldemort using my mouth.

Well, not really. It was just like attributes of Voldemort's soul. Wait, souls are real? Of course. Harry's doing a lot of growing up today. And souls keep us alive, not my heart or my brain. It's less about souls and more about life essence. Life essence is a thing.

Sort of. It's like, I mean, look, we're not religious. I mean, we might be. I've never discussed it. There's a lot of things you haven't discussed, Professor. You're correct. But. we might be, I've never discussed it There's a lot of things you haven't discussed, Professor You're correct, but Domino just sort of like falling over himself

trying to be like, you're gonna die, Harry So basically, what's going to be happening Alright, okay, I get it but how do we get this out of me? So, to the best of my knowledge we can't. Okay, so Voldemort's just going to exist forever.

That kind of sucks. Well, that's one option. Really? Good try. That's one option, which is what we could do. However, have you heard the prophecy yet? At this stage, I think he has. Something about there can be only one?

Basically, like the Highlander rules. But not quite. If one can't live while the other is chuffing about, kind of shit. That's the prophecy. So basically, you're going to have to die. Can I change schools? No. I mean, you could, but it's not going to solve the problem.

So basically... So I should kill myself? No, definitely not. Well, yes, but not right now. Look, you see this list? You see how you're at the bottom? There's a reason, because you're the last one. See, I think you're fucked up.

Because now I know that I need to die. I'm probably not even going to try with the other Horcruxes. I'm just probably, if something gets too hard, I was like, whatever, dead. It's good when I die anyway. It is, but then, unfortunately, then we lose our best advantage because Voldemort doesn't know that you're a Horcrux.

How do you know? I'm a great wizard. Isn't Voldemort the greatest wizard? That's a disturbing thing to hear from Harry Potter. Then again, would I be talking to you because I know you have a link

with Voldemort? The plot thickens. is besieged immediately A little bit of a Obliviate What am I doing here, sir? I don't know. What's that? Obliviate myself.

That didn't work out for you at all. Because I think... Okay, let's just assume Voldemort hasn't got a connection there. But he does. I know he does. That's why he's a cunt of Harry the whole time

yeah there's a lot of layers going on a lot of layers a lot of layers well let's let's I guess I'll keep it in the dark

but if I manage to kill Voldemort I'm immortal right ah yes I hate that too that sounds real great for me it's Harry Potter

over here I guess I'd actually what I would Live forever or die now Because the thing You'd want Harry to help you Track these things Yeah

Because he can sense them But because He's a Horcrux The connection with Voldemort I forgot about that That connection with Harry Has with Voldemort We need to sever that real quick

How? Lobotomy How do they do it in the actual books? Well the reason it severs Is when Harry fights Voldemort and nearly dies and gets the Horcrux removed from him somehow in heaven. No, I mean, Subway heaven. No, I mean, you know that book? Heaven is Subway.

Yeah, and like where, you know, after series, all that kind of stuff. You should. He's like, man, you know, why is Dledore being an absolute prick and the reason why is because he doesn't want voldemort to know that yeah that connection goes two ways and that's why you know snape oh they do that training they do oculomancy yeah which is like it's special training to block voldemort yeah yeah and then like voldemort should figure like he should he'd be getting the training no voldemort fights up. And it's a big battle inside Harry's head. It's a whole deal.

So you could just start that early. I'd start that real early. Just be like, yo, Harry Potter, bonus class for you because you're a sitcom. Actually, that's what he'd do after the Triwizard thing. That's what... Obliviate! That didn't happen. Obliviate on me.

Snape, what are you doing here? You did I? Did I obliviate? I did you. Oh? What am you doing here? Did I obliviate? I obliviate on you. Oh. What am I doing here? That's the greatest reset button. How much does obliviate, obliviate?

Oh, who knows? I just use it willy-nilly. What year is that? I'm just sitting on the couch drooling now. With the Occulamancy. Yes. So Snape is What What school of magic is that?

It's its own So is Snape the good at it? Or is there any others that are better at it? I think Snape's the one That's why Anyone else? You could choose someone who's probably worse at it That's why Dumbledore uses it

Dumbledore, good I kind of want someone who isn't Snape though You could probably get an outside person in Snape would be pissed Headmaster I am the best at Occulomancy in the school Well I know that Snape

But the thing is Harry hates the fuck out of you It's true I do I'm wounded No you're not. You love it. You hate me too. You want to bang my mom. Shut up.

You hate this boy so much. I do, yes. Fine, fine. Give me the Defense Against the Dark Arts one. Come on. You can't take it because you know... Wait, what's the reasoning behind Snape never getting that class? Because it's cursed.

Yeah. Anyway. Sorry. Anyway. Sorry, Harry, I probably shouldn't divulge that to you, but it is. I'm involving you in a lot of things today, Harry. I'm so sorry. No, the reason why the defense against StarCraft is because I think it's cursed. The person who can only have it is for one year, which means before Quirrell there was like a bunch of others that we just don't hear about.

I think so, yeah. Isn't it just a rumour it's cursed? No it is generally cursed Tom Riddle curses it Because I think he wanted it From memory Probs Okay

So you're training Getting an outside person I'd be getting an outside person And training him in Occlumency And then have that discussion Yeah good Once Harry's brain Was super good at keeping

Voldemort out Then maybe less to do with See your name on the bottom Just here's a bunch of Horcruxes, let's go hunt them in together. So would you take him out of schooling? Of course. That seems like your whole education front falls apart year four.

Well, my education front for Harry because he's going to die. Why am I wasting resources and teacher's time? Yeah, that's true. You're the headmaster. Who do you put in charge whilst you're out hunting Horcruxes? Minerva. Yeah, good choice. Thank But you're wasting... You're the headmaster. Who do you put in charge whilst you're out hunting Horcruxes? Minerva.

Yeah, no, good choice. Thank you. Gonical's got her head on straight. She certainly does. She's gonna be killed by Death Eaters. She doesn't know. She's fucking powerful. No, she's a sick cunt, mate.

Yeah. What's that, powerful? Yeah. Yeah, she's like the second most powerful wizard off the Dumbly Dumb. Where does Voldemort fit into that? He's number one. Plus there's charms and shit on the school.

Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, that goes real well for them in Battle of Hogwarts. It does for a while. It does for a bit. Six minutes. Yeah, but that was when Voldy was at his top of his power. We're talking after the Triwizard Tournament. I'm going on the hunt fucking straight away.

Well, let's go... So after Voldemort's come back. Actually, no, maybe because... What, 60 year? I'm thinking he's got to get a year of Occulmancy. Yeah. Yeah, true. Or whatever. Start him young, though.

Why not? Actually, that's... When does Dumbledore... That's the thing. Dumbledore always knows how he's going to link to Voldemort. Does he know that straight away? Yeah. Because if he does, then that should be fucking year one.

Yeah, I agree. All right, cool. All right, Jackson. Fine, yeah. Year one, we're learning Occulmancy. That's great. that straight away yeah because if he does then that should be fucking year one yeah I agree alright cool alright Jackson fine yeah year one we're learning Occlumency that's great yeah good that's just a class

that happens in the background he's like oi Ron why am I doing this and he's like I don't know bloody hell

do you know she's like nah nope alright afraid not and I guess we'll put the importance

and get an outsider and like don't have Snape involved Because that's just weird punishment For both of them I don't know why Dumbledore did that Strange That was a weird move

So I do that What else can I do So then as soon as I try Why does it keep Snape so close Why does it keep Snape so close Because Snape's a triple agent Yeah No double agent

Yeah It's double agent Yeah no I know that but Because Snape's like This is what Voldemort's up to. Yeah. Because Snape's like his buddy. Yeah.

Their buddy buddy. Their chums. I still think it's risky though, because you could still have him close. Oh no, I guess it's a front for Voldemort more than anything. Because it's like, I trust Snape. Exactly. But then everyone's like, why do you trust Snape? He's a reformed Death Eater.

And Voldemort's like, I've got my reasons. If I was Voldemort, I'd be like, I do not trust thatpe he's a reformed death eater and Dumbledore is like I've got my reasons if I was Voldemort I'd be like I do not trust that that's sus as hell yeah would you keep Snape around of course because he's like he does everything for the boy and plus when I'm like

Snape we're leading this Harry's like a pig to slaughter and then he has a shitty hissy fit at me then I'm like, he's on my side. Anyway, so yeah, I'd be like, ask the Triwizard. Alright. Harry, there's something called a Horcrux

and these are the things Voldemort, I think, has it in for you. Pretty bad. So... Why does he want to kill me? You know when you start a project and you get interrupted and so you never finish it? That.

So he just wants to kill me. He's pretty petty. Completionist, I'd say. I'd say he's very petty. Just wants to get it done. Like, you're the only one that, you know, he tried to kill and he didn't kill. Yeah, but now I'm a Horcrux.

He should... No, no. What? You're a Horcrux? Who told you this? Obliferate. What? What?

Harry Potter brain tumors. You know why he wants to kill you? Because of the prophecy. Yeah. Yeah. What are you talking about? One can't live while the other dies or something. I don't like it.

There's a prophecy about that. I'm only 15. Who started this? Was it you? No, no. It was the astrology teacher. Astronomy teacher? Astrology.

She's actually teaching good science. She's not. You're the trash teacher. She's a fraud. That was a question I wanted to ask you before we started talking about Harry Potter. What teachers are you firing? Keeping them all on? Yeah, I'd keep them all on,

and I'd maybe hire... I must say, this is hard, because are there wizards who know about English and math? There probably are wizards. I would hire them, and I would also supplement, because I would be teaching... You'd have a

curriculum you'd be like i'm teaching math um some science uh as well as english and that but then also you'd be teaching so you'd have like say a normal day then a wizard day normal day wizard day normal day wizard day oh okay right so you're gonna be half as powerful that's fine but they'd have a much broader education i'm dying the Battle of Hogwarts is going a completely different way Magic's not that hard to learn I'd also say that sometimes Let's be honest They might need other stuff

You're teaching less That's magic but more condensed Also I'd make it a six day schooling week Oh okay So you'd have three, three No And then you'd have one day Then you'd have

For play One day for relaxation and Quidditch. Uh, also maybe incorporate some more sports because yeah, physical education is important. Uh, yep. Um,

also over that, that giant break over summer or winter, wherever it is. Yeah. Uh, I'd be running winter classes. Cool. Cool.

Uh, yeah. Just so then maybe Harry Potter can stay can stay in hogwarts if he chooses to well he can harry can't like no he can't they don't let him but what why don't they good fucking question that's just gonna be scratched let harry stay he's important don't send it back to the dursleys fuck yeah it's not like hogwarts becomes less safe over the holidays yeah also try was a tournament fourth Fourth name comes out. No, scratch that. We had to give

parental permission for him to go drink butterbeer at the local village. He's not fighting a dragon. He doesn't have parental consent. Uh, no. I'm sorry, Cup. Also, I'm too young. Yeah. I'm too young. Yeah, that too. And there's only three people per cup. Exactly. I know we promised. Why?

Why does that happen? I know we promised Why does that happen I know we promised the cup But no sorry The cup's gonna have to cope Sorry that just doesn't happen Look there was a mix up something we're investigating Why that might be the case But Harry's are not competing

Surely in a world full of magic If something does something unexpected And you're like I got no explanations Magic is surely the first step tampering is where you'd go not just like I guess the cops just fucked and fucked this year I guess the cops just want Harry to compete he would be like I'm sorry but Harry is not competing

fucking body crowd should have just made it so the Cedric name didn't come out but he didn't like a dickhead where do you hide the Philosopher's Stone first year same place quad wizard tournament But he didn't, like a dickhead Where do you hide the Philosopher's Stone first year? Same place? Quad Wizard Tournament Huh?

Quad Wizard Tournament Okay, yeah, so let's see I guess I would In your office? In my butt butt Yeah, good No In your office?

On myself, really Yeah On my person. Oh, wait, no, because then you would then be using it. All the time. Like, you wouldn't believe. No, hide in the mirror, same place. But I wouldn't tell the school.

So you wouldn't get each of the teachers to design an area of the dungeon like Dumbledore does? Because that seems like a real stupid plan. Because I'd be like, oh, hi, as Professor whatever, Charms, Flitwick died. I'm going to devise mine so that it's going to code only I know, and then I'm just going to break in and get the stone.

P.S. It's been me stealing the show. Then I know it. It's not stupid. Obliviate. I definitely put the same place. Maybe not trust Hagrid with so much, because he's a bit of a bubba. Do I know Hagrid's a bit of a bubba mouth?

Yeah. Because maybe put a clamp on that Hagrid. Would you have even gotten Hagrid out of prison and let him work again? I'd let him... You do know that he was framed. I know. I'd feel sorry for Hagrid, but I would never make him a teacher. Yeah, good. Good move.

Because that's silly. Let's see. I'd make him the groundskeeper. That's fine. But I'm devising this kind of stuff to keep a potential... Because I know Gringotts got broken into. So I'm going to be real upping that. Fair enough. I think Gringotts got broken into. Because whilst... They wanted the stone. They wanted the stone. So I think Grigors get broken into they wanted the stone

so they they got the fake so they got the fake so I would still put it same place not involve Hagrid

so there's no three headed dog because that's the least of the problems that's ridiculous how'd they get it up the stairs Hagrid knows dragons

put a dragon there not a three headed dog you know here's what I would do okay you just you know you're like okay there's the trap door Put a dragon there, not a three-headed dog You know, here's what I would do Okay You know, you're like, okay, there's the trapdoor That goes down to where the stone is Then you just get woodworkers in

You're like, get rid of the trapdoor Don't tell anyone where the stone is, done Or I just do everything like it was But then the trapdoor, just cement Yeah, there you go What if the room just led to a room with a smaller door? And then as you keep going through the smaller doors, every room now has a smaller door.

Yeah, maybe get some house elves involved. Until you can't get through the last door. Yeah, house elves, clever. Yeah, get some house elves involved and be like, house elves, I need you to hide this. Or in case it's in concrete, drop it in the lake. Yeah. Mermaid's problems.

That's good. Not as clever, Jackson, but good try. Or, actually, make that whole trap thing and put a fake philosopher's stone there and keep the real philosopher's stone in my office as a paperweight. I thought you were going to say up your ass. Up the butt. As an anal bead. No, in my office as a paperweight.

Yeah, nobody's going to suspect it. Maybe use a fucking charm on it or something to make it look like a rock. Yeah. There you go. Transfiguration, mate. Yeah, true. So to suspect it. Maybe use a fucking charm on it or something to make it look like a rock. Yeah. There you go. Transfiguration, mate. Yeah, true. So that's what I'd do. I'd do all the trap bullshit as is, but I would keep that as a takeaway.

Imagine Harry dies in that situation and not even for the Philosopher's Stone. Well. Yeah, like, whatever. That's one less Horcrux I need to worry about. No, because Harry would be dead and the Horcrux would still exist. I said one less. One less. Harry would die, but his Horcrux would still exist.

Does that mean Harry Potter, like a dead corpse, would just be like propped up? Wobbling about like an idiot? Yes, it would. That's the greatest. What about, okay, second year? There's a big snake turning everyone into rocks. Okay, first off, I wouldn't be just sending fucking Lockhart into

this fray, because they're like, oh, go send Lockhart, he's fine. I'm Lockhart, and I'm amazing. Why doesn't Lockhart just obliviate the snake? Why doesn't Lockhart just obliviate everyone? Ah, that's a weird film, because there's one thing where it's like, oh, the snake is someone, and they're like, let's send Lockhart, because everyone

knows he's a fraud. It's amazing. It's weird. Why don't they just, they send him to die. Yeah, I guess. They're just calling him out on his bullshit. And he's like, no. I would get the auras involved.

Obliviate the snake. I'd get the auras involved. Yeah, I guess that makes a lot. Would you keep Hogwarts open when the first attack happens? What's your move? Well, I'm so sorry. But we need to shut this school down just for a teensy-eensy little woo-woo.

Just a little woo-woo. Just a little woo-woo. Emergency, someone was turned into... A rock. A rock. There's a basilisk running around. So, a bit of an emergency Sorry everyone

I know we all like to just Chuff off our kids for the year And not have to deal with them But this is an emergency Kids are turning into stone As a more practical Dumbledore I feel like you're not going to have kids At the school for a lot

Like third year They're like serial killer Or dangerous wizard You're going to be like No Oh so serial killer That's fine because That's different We've got they're like serial killer We're a dangerous wizard, you're going to be like, nah Oh, so serial killer That's fine because That's a serial killer, so we're going on lockdown

And so we're putting Lots of magical charms and shit What about when it doesn't work? Because you put down all the charms and shit And then it's like, what? Dumbledore and Osiris Black's not bad though It's part of Dumbledore's, not Dumbledore's army Oh yeah, so I'll be putting

charms in quotation marks. But then Peter Pettigrew still gets out. No, because what'll happen is you'll go into Dumbledore's office, there'll be a rock that looks like the fluff that's disturbed on the bench

and then a statue that looks like Sirius Black in the corner. You're like, what's that? And you're like, don't move, Sirius. Does Sirius Black

still tear up the painting of the fat woman? No, I think it was Pettigrew. Was it? No, because still tear up the painting of the fat woman? No, I think it was Pettigrew Was it? No, because he doesn't come out of the rat until the very end I think it was Sirius That was just Sirius attacking a painting No, it wasn't

It was Peter Pettigrew No Yeah Because Peter Pettigrew, when he comes out of being a rat in the Shrieking Shack He's like, man, I've been a rat for a fucking long time Yeah, you're right I think he does, Mike No, it's someone else

I'm pretty sure it's someone else You'd hope so Because that's Bobby Crouch because that's weird if it's serious black yeah dick move black yeah buddy crouch isn't there that's book three and anyway it all happens in the shrieking track anyway so it's not my problem school ground school grounds maybe deal with that whomping willow that just smack i can just smack a kid in the face yeah like that's an oh hey gns issue i'd get rid of it yeah get rid of that also moving staircases uh let's put a kibosh on that real quick because uh that's just confusing as fuck and they're making hong kong what's more safe but less magical i know i know but hey you gotta i get it man also the ghost situation be like yo why what are you doing what

can we do here to make you stop doing that and they're like oh we're just ghosts the houses have ghosts i know but look you're nearly headless nick they're like, oh, we're just ghosts. The houses have ghosts. I know, but look, you're nearly headless, Nick. You're scaring some of the young ones. Yeah, but they grow to love me. They do, but maybe when you first introduce each other, maybe don't pull off your head. Just as an aside. It's like my one party trick. I know it's your one party trick,

but it frightens the young ones. Can I do it to the older kids? Sirius does just slash the painting, by the way. It's rude. Apparently he does it out of anger because he can't remember the passwords. That's very funny. What an idiot. Um, okay. Alright, so...

Prison of Alice Caban, not really my problem. No, it doesn't really come into... But maybe I would keep an eye on Remus a little bit more and then the Shrieking Shack and be like What's going on there? Of course I would He's a lovely chap A werewolf, but whatever Would I be telling everyone

he's a werewolf? For safety's sake, I would be like that, by the way he's a werewolf I'm taking my kids out of this dangerous werewolf infested school Too many werewolves, I'm gone Yeah, I'd have to, because I like transparency. I'd be just like, look, he's a werewolf, we are aware.

I like that you probably get less and less students every year. Which is kind of good. Yeah, it kind of works in your favor. Like, let's be honest. There's nothing to worry about. He's a werewolf, we're aware. Every once a month, we just put him away. He's fine.

It's okay, don't worry. I've got it sorted. So then I'll have it sorted Alright, fair enough Try Whizzy Cup, you kind of sorted that Harry, nope Nope, and then the Try Whizzy Cup happens as normal I guess Because the cleaning is going to be like Well he's got to compete

No he doesn't, zero points for Harry Potter We just put a blanket zero points Blanket points for Harry Potter. We just put a blanket zero points. Blanket points for Harry Potter. There you go. That's done. Harry Potter, you're grounded until I get to the bottom of this. You're not my dad. Well, your dad's dead.

Why? That's real rude. And then he would storm off in his little straw And they'd be like no no And that way you get the four dragons And the razor back whatever it was called But they'd still get four because The people being like no no there's four

And I'd be like Not going to happen Yeah you say there's four but fuck off Harry Potter has a permanent detention For every day. For every goddamn class. Mad-Eye Moody being like, he's got to compete. Fuck off, Moody.

I'm sus of you already. Let me look in your chest. What the fuck are you doing? A little man. What's this about? What the fuck? Get the fuck out of here. Really belligerent, cursing Dumbledore.

What the fuck? The fuck. Really belligerent cursing Dumbledore. What the fuck? The fuck is this, Moody? Piece of fucking piss shit? That's what this is? You fucking pulled the wool over my eyes for the last time. So yeah, none of that. Dumbledore gets real mad about Harry putting his own name in the cup, though. Yeah, I know.

I'd be sauce of Harry. Harry, you shit! It's real fun. Have you ever seen that? In the book, it's like, Harry, did you his own name in the cup, though. Yeah, I know. I'd be sauce of Harry. Harry, you shit! It's real fun. Have you ever seen that? In the book, it's like, Harry, did you put your name in the cup? Whispered Dumbledore. And then in the movie, he's like,

Harry, did you put your name in the cup? Chill out, dombs. Yeah. So, again, I'd be just like, Harry Potter. Or the thing would fall and be like, look at it. I'd be like, hmm. I'd fold it.

Put it in my pocket. Who was that? It was a blank piece of paper. Weird. It's an eat a dick Dumbledore. Someone got me good. Someone got me good. We need to have a bit of an emergency meeting.

All the teachers out here with me. Harry Potter, come with me. Oh, blow me, I'm in trouble. Yes, you are. First me parents, now this And so yeah, we'll just not let him compete Yeah, fair enough, wise I think that just fits Is Harry a chimney sweep?

Yes His contours have any different weird British accents Okay, so Order of the Phoenix You're kicked out Why? I don't know, you just are Umbridge overthrows you Why? What have I done this time? What have you done this time? I think you're kicked out. Why? No, I don't know. You just are. I don't remember what happened. Umbridge overthrows you. But why?

What have I done this time? What have you done this time? I think you're like, yo, kids. Yo, you're under investigation for something. Voldy Moldy's back and everyone's like, whoop, inciting riots. Yeah. But the thing is...

Put Bumbridge in. But if the tribe was a taunt and it didn't happen, no, fuck it, I'm still in charge, cunts. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, never mind. Nobody says shit. Voldemort's not back. Everyone's sweet.

You saved the day. I can go off and hunt horcruxes. Pretty much your problem is that everything will be... Order of the Phoenix doesn't really happen. Half-Blood Prince, whoo. Yeah, Half-Blood Prince, not much really happens. Basically, I'd be like, I'm going to hunt some horcruxes. Harry, this is what we're doing.

I'm going to drink out of a bathtub. It's gross. But I'm going to do it. Drink out of my pen, Steve. So you're killing yourself still then? I have to because unfortunately I've picked up the resurrection stone, gotten too sentimental, wanted to see my dead sister and been like, ah, fuck.

Cursed myself. Damn it. Shit. Damn it, balls. Fuck. Cunt. Okay, so you're dead. Snape. Yeah? Gotta kill me. Yeah, alright. This happened. Fair enough, I guess. Make me a potion so it doesn't hurt as much. Yeah, I can get that done.

Good, good, good. I also wanted to know how many points you're awarding each house for every year. Well, your points are fucking up shit stuff. I'm not going to award any points. I'm going to take, as a headmaster, I'm taking myself out of that scheme. Oh, I see. I think that's wise. Because I'm like, I'm the headmaster.

I should not have favouritism. I should not award anyone. Also, I'm going to make another rule. You can't award your house points. Wise. Because Snape, no points to Slytherin. And you can't take points away either. Slytherin will never win.

Snape is the only person fighting for Slytherin. No, but taking points is a punishment in class. It is. So I still think you can't take away points. No one's getting any points. Just get rid of the point system. I think either get rid of the point system or make it all tied to Quidditch. No, but then you're just giving the physical kids all the...

What if I'm like, I've done the best transfiguration. I turned my friend into a car. I know, I know, I know. Drove him into the Whomping Willow and now he is dead. We need to work out the way the system works because I like the idea of participation and building

house bonds. Wait, do I? House bombs? Bonds. Do I? No, it just breeds contempt and competition. Fuck it all. If the economy has taught me something it's bonds can never be trusted. I like the idea of you before the first year, you're just like If the economy has taught me something It's bonds can never be trusted I don't think that interview Before the first year

Teachers were having a ceremony Everybody out into the front yard And there's like a bonfire And you just get the sorting hat and throw it in You're like we're getting rid of the house system The best part about that is that you didn't tell any of the teachers Until it happened They're like no no no

As the hat burns to death Please no I just think you didn't tell any of the teachers until it happened. They're like, no, no, no. Ah! As the hat burns to death. Please, no. Gryffindor. Gryffindor. You're all in Gryffindor. I would. I'd get rid of the house system.

Would you burn the house? I straight up would. Maybe not burn the... Just wear the hat all the time. I would. Put the system back. I would make the sorting hat in terms of, yes, the house, but which... The grading hat. That's how kids should get awarded grades. No. I don't want to hat in terms of, yes, the house, but which- The grading hat.

That's how kids should get awarded grades. No. Just put it on and be like, D, yeah, coffee kid. A, yeah, C. The way you were award, as in, like, the way we did it in my school is that we all had different homerooms, but the sports team was by color and that was randomized. So, I'd have the house like because you have

these sports carnival days yeah yeah yeah so the sorting hat plus you've got common rooms for different rooms and stuff

like it's kind of the whole building is designed around houses it really is and I think that is my long term plan

my long term plan is to be like circle renovations we need to sort this out it breeds us a contempt

yeah yeah no you're not wrong why do we have a conned house Renovations. We need to sort this out. It breeds us a contempt. Yeah, no, you're not wrong. Slytherin. Suss. Why do we have a cunt house? I know when we were building this, Slytherin was like,

yo, I'm a wizard Nazi. I think I should be head of a school. And we were like, sweet, sick. I just think that needs to change somehow. Also, a fence over the Forbidden Forest. Just a big old wall. But I live there. No, you live near it, Hagrid.

The fence will get in the way of my business. Well, we'll build you a door that you can walk through the forest. Why don't I get to live in the main building? You've never asked. It's cold out there. Well, alright. I guess we can give you a... Where do the teachers sleep?

That's a good question. Does someone not have a bed? Let's turn into bats. I think Hagrid likes living out there. I think he does too. First off, let's just conjure a wall. But what about when you give kids punishments to go to the Forbidden Forest? We do that?

No. Because, um, let's not do that. Okay. There's giant spiders in there, which I think you know why. And centaurs. And centaurs. And centaurs. Is that the toy? Oi, boy.

Oi, Basky Gwyn. Maybe a different punishment, Hagrid. Yeah. All right. Hmm, sus. Might be a firing in your future. I don't need fucking Trelawney to predict your future, Hagrid. Unemployment. I don't need fucking Haggy Hagrid Trelawney to predict your future Hagrid unemployment the unemployment line

for wizards around that also that lake that has mermaids in it that are scary as fuck they're harmless though they are

but they're they got teeth spooky ghosts are harmless too grindylows maybe some sort of childproof fence around that

like you have with pools. Yeah, okay. Just real safety. I want to push safety and curriculum onto this thing. Okay. I think you'll end up with more educated wizards. That's pretty good, though. I think, but Harry won't be super excited to go back, actually.

He'll be like, it's good, but there aren't any restrictions. Go to your... Will you fill the school with ghosts still? I'd have a discussion to be why the ghosts are there again i think hogwarts needs like some short-term and some long-term problems to tackle so you're gonna have like the short-term problems like you know the safety the curriculum long-term be like we're shockers of ghosts oh why why is that let's uh exercise them let's just uh excuse me why are you here can we chuff you off

somewhere else fuck your way yeah yeah um all right so hey i just thought maybe hogwarts has changed his curriculum maybe it was more like what you said and since voldemort they realized that they needed to have classes like defense against the dark arts so they cut like english maths maybe you're right which is not good no good. It's a bit good because it means like when Battle of Hogwarts happens, not every single child dies. And because I know the Defense Against the Dark Arts class

and teacher is cursed, I'm going to change that class to something else. Also, that class should... Actually, no, because Tom Riddle wanted that class so it's existed forever. He wanted like a motherfucker.

Because I was just like that class shouldn't exist because it should... Why? Because there's always evil wizards. That's the fact of life. It's good to know how to fight them. That's like saying...

Also, it's not just about fighting dark wizards. It's also fighting like boggarts and shit. It's basically self-defense for wizards, the class. That's weird to have self-defense as a... Like a core subject? Yeah. So I would change it. English, math, self-defense.

What? I would change it to less about defense against the dark arts and just more of a broader thing, so then maybe we can kind of loophole that curse. Yeah, cool, like magic defense. Magic defense. Yeah, there you go. I don't know how the curse works exactly, but I'm down.

I reckon there's some magic. There's always some loopholes. You can find out a way. There we go. So did you stop Voldemort? I forget. Well, the try was a tournament. That's the key.

So let's just assume, like that,, you know, Mad-Eye Moody, while I'm like, no, he just, like, grabbed Harry while we're all being distracted by Cedric clearly winning. So Cedric's alive, so that's props on this point. No, I mean, that's a plus. That's props on this point. He saved one child's life, and that's... Sure did.

No child left behind. Yeah. No wizard left behind. Except, oh, but you're obviously killing Harry, so... Yeah, eventually. So Mad-Eye Moody has grabbed Harry No, this ends the same way Because you wouldn't let me live

Me, Harry You wouldn't let Harry live Which means that you're really just swapping Cedric's life and my life around No I won't let you I'll let you live for a bit Just like in the actual story Yeah, but that's what I mean

The only reason it turns out the way it does Is because I didn't know I needed to die. You still don't. I need to stop saying I. Harry. Harry still doesn't know he needs to die. He abbreviated you. That's right.

We did that. We're just going to make him aware of Horcrux because after the trike. Yeah. Okay, sweet. So the thing is, Mad-Eye's going to grab Harry while we're all being distracted

and we're like, Okay. But then there's no way for Harry to get back. So that's going to grab Harry while we're all being distracted and we're like, ah. Okay. But then there's no way for Harry to get back, so that's going to be a problem. Back to where? Because he used the port key to go back to Hogwarts. Yeah, that's a good point. That's going to be a problem.

That's your real problem there. So depending on what's going to happen, either way, Mad-Eye has to slash. Because we need to get the plot. There's a similar line here so i'm getting maybe mad i just like is the syringe full of harry's blood and uses that yeah and somehow they find harry's all these back voldemort's a wily one he'll figure out a way he's back but we don't know how or why and also because harry potter's not saying i wouldn't know necessarily

that voldemort's back because but you because that's why because you kind of assume me since like book three that he's yeah yeah but this is why in order of phoenix voldemort's back because that's why because you're kind of assuming since like book three but this is why in Order of Phoenix Voldemort, no Dumbledore gets kicked out because he's like Harry Potter told me that Voldemort's back and it's fucked it's all just fucked

panic and stab your neighbour it can be Voldemort so I would keep that in the DL I wouldn't tell everyone and I'd be like Harry because obviously no one died. So we're like, sweet, don't tell anyone anything. Great. So keep that in the DL.

Cool. And then just go Horcrux, Hunton. Yeah, would you drink all the poison that Dumbledore drinks? Of course. Not at all. I wouldn't personally want to do it. But it depends how, it depends if I fucked up with the Resurrection Stone. And I'm assuming I would.

I'm assuming I missed my dead sister enough to be like, oh... That's a moment. Broken arm, dying now. Damn it. So I'm assuming, yeah, because there's no other way around it, or I'm like, Harry Potter, you drink it. Come on.

Come on then Sup sup Alright so then You're going to have to pull the Snape business aren't you You get the Elder Wand You don't want fucking Voldemort to have it I'm so confused about that little plan there

I don't really know what Dumbledore What would you do instead You want Harry to have the Elder Wand I'm assuming Or you don't want Voldem Dumbledore, what would you do instead? You want Harry to have the Elder Wand I'm assuming, or you don't want Voldemort to have it.

Or you die with it. I'd be very clear, after the Horcruxes, after hunting the Horcruxes, during that trip with Harry, because I figured I

want to get Harry involved from step one, which could be very funny if he picks up the Resurrection Stone and uses it in Harry's curse.

I'm like, oh no! Whoops! Whoops! Shit! Well, I guess that then Harry's cursed. I'm like, oh, no. Whoops. Whoops. Shit. Well, I guess that is a twofer. I mean, I give you no. Works out. Yeah, works out.

So I'd want Harry from the word go. Okay. Resurrection stone's just chilling in a forest now, by the way. That's a dumb way to get rid of it. Ah, centaur's going to come up and be like, what is this? What have I found? Mum? Dad? How? Dad?

How are you? But again, because I'm keeping the school open or at least some classes running during that school break, I mean, Harry's going to be a bit more on board and hopefully build a bit more of a rapport with him. So going off gallivanting around getting hot cruxes, I'm going to have to be like, look, Harry, there is a chance that this is the case and have a real dnm with him you know what i mean like we'll be like

i hope this is not the case i hope i hope beyond all hope but i really don't want this to be the case but maybe one day that you're gonna go into a subway and there'll be a gross voltric fetus there and it's gonna to be weird. Anything can happen. So your strategy is to lie to him. Weird. Your strategy is to lie to him. No, well, lie but with hope. But actually, be truthful but be hopeful. You're a horcrux. I wish it wasn't the case, but it is.

You've got to die. You're a horcrux. I wish it wasn't the case. Would you have had a cadaver in yourself? No. I'd be like, we don't know. We don't know what this is about. Just be aware that you are a horcrux.

So the ultimate way for you to defeat Voldemort isort is unfortunately one of you is going to have to die and perhaps even both of you and i i'd be really pushing that to be like i am so sorry it's a real bummer it's a real bummer you know you are a great kind young boy you're all good um that sucks yeah yeah so that's one thing i would do also i'd keep him on with the thing of being like Harry, I'm gonna die because of this black hand So don't stress when it happens Don't be like Snape's evil Because look I'll let you in, Snape is a real good guy

He's gonna make it look like he's not But no, trust me, he's on the level So Get him involved in that little Storyline, That little plot thread Because there's no reason to lie to him He loved your mother so much That this is the reason why

Just like Info Dump Harry Potter Harry Potter, oh my You would not believe Sit, here's a pensieve Get drinking Oh, drink it up Drink all my memories Oh, not that one

That's it, that's for Dumbledore to remember Also, I'd be out of that closet like you would not believe. I would be like the gayest bitch wizard you'd ever see. Yes. I would not be like, Welcome, students. I'm Dumbledore. Raging homosexual.

Wizards have really old school morals. What makes you think that they're not? Yes. Not like in terms of that kind of prejudice. They're wizard prejudices. Yeah, they've got like mud gloves. There's nothing to suggest they wouldn't just be prejudice prejudice. not yes not like in terms of that kind of prejudice they're wizard prejudice yeah they go like there's nothing to suggest they wouldn't just be prejudice prejudice well they they find like in terms of racial stuff yeah and they find in terms of like any by the way gay as a day is

long seems rather irrelevant to his school teaching Really does But I wouldn't hide it Yeah Or at least It'd be very obvious Like is GrumbleDog okay Like yes he is Absolutely He is on fire

Like you would not believe So I'd make sure I would be maybe Trying to find a nice A lad Wizard lad Wizard lad To settle down with

No but you're gonna die I know But this is before this What's his name I know GrumbleWalder this What's his name? I know Grimblewald Whatever his name Grumblebum

Grumbly Tumbles Grindelwald Grindelwald I did hold I held a torch for him But I mean Come on now That's been what

80 fucking years Yeah I'm gonna get You know lonely Hey no fair enough Fair enough Dumbledore So I guess It's kind of very similar because you've got to leave

harry when you die you've got to leave him with the like these are the last horcruxes fight oh yeah rather than being like go to olivander and find bullshit no no by the way your invisibility cloak is this there you go it's very special let me tell you the story of the three deathly hallows The three lads Let me get this into your noggin I would info dump the crap out of Harry Harry's going to be sitting there Shaking, got a nosebleed He's like, it's too much information

I know, have a lemon chair If it helps, just grab some of those memories Put them in a dish, drink them later When you can deal with it Because that's what I do I think if I was Harry in that situation I'd just

I'd just be sitting there and be like uh huh uh huh uh huh just pick up my wand and obliviate myself dammit Harry

stop it stop now I gotta start over do you think with your teaching that that'd be so funny Harry Potter as a teacher though

because like if you're teaching you wouldn't expect to just like get to do with charms. How funny would it be like Harry Potter is like, oh, every time you have this bensive. And so you just got to remember all these times. Like, wow, I obliviated myself 20 times. I have a problem, I think.

You get this one, obliviate. It's so funny to imagine I get a teacher and they're like, and that's class. And all of the students at once are like, Obliviate! And the teacher's like, why? Do you hate me? That was a funny joke. What was?

Whatever we did, that was fucking good. So yeah, education, safety. Maybe get rid of some of that whimsy. I know, I know. But hey. Hey look, you've got to sacrifice whimsy for safety in a school. You do. And you're going to result in a lot better educated wizards.

Yep. So again. They will lose the Battle of Hogwarts because they don't know enough about spells. Again, I don't think so. Because again, six days, a six day schooling day. So losing two days a week of spells. To be honest, in the Battle of Hogwarts, like five students fight. That's true, actually.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and then a lot of adult wizards also I'd include the Aurors very fast very quick wouldn't go to the media as much as in like the publicity be like

Voldemort is back none of that I'd just be like Auroras Voldemort's back wouldn't your info dump spook Harry to the point where he might

just defect and run by this point can I join Voldemort is that an option yes you could but at this point oh wait no he... Can I join Voldemort? Is that an option? Yes, you could. But at this point... Oh, wait. He'll just kill me, won't he?

Yeah, he'll be like, Yes, come into my batoo, idiot. Come into my chamber. Come into my chamber. Harry Potter, let's have a big old hug. I'm going to give you a cuddle now. Batoo, it was a death cuddle. Joke's on you.

So that teach him occlumency, whatever it was, from like the first year. Day three. So definitely have that on the back burner. Yep, yep, clever. And then really just inform Harry Potter and also Minerva and Snape in all my plans. I think like you're pretty good Dumbledore at all my plans? I think, like, you're a pretty good Dumbledore at the end of things. Look, sure, I still die,

but everyone knows why I die. Well, it's the important thing to do. You're a transparent Dumbledore, and I kind of think that's what Hogwarts needed. You know? At the end of the day. And I think Harry Potter is probably more traumatised, but better off. I think so. Like, on the whole

Yeah It's done alright And on that note I've been Jackson Bailey I've been Joel Dushok And I've been Joel Dumbledore Joel-dore? Jumbledore?

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