Plumbing the Death Star - Which One of the Plumbing Boys Would Make a Better Lord Voldemort and Why is it Obviously Jackson B. Baly?

Episode Date: June 26, 2016

In which our heroes die at the hands of a child, spend some time as a ghost, and then attempt to kill that same child as we ask which of the Plumbing Boys would make the best Voldemort and why is it obviously Jackson B. Baly? We wonder what happened to Voldemort’s nose, turn a chip packet into a portkey, and give out mad cuddles. Zammit asks why the Death Eaters attacked Hogwarts in the first place, Duscher keeps alluding to Nazi Germany, and Jackson just once again argues for a government sanctioned union between two consenting cousins. So gather up your former cronies, put your soul in a snake, and try to kill the Boy Who Lived. It's either you or him so it might as well be him.Want to help Jackson take over the wizarding world? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can start changing this world for the worse.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPantsRadio, too many arms. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Eaters, where we ask important questions like, which one of the plumbing boys would make a better Voldemort, and why would it obviously be Jackson Bailey? Because he's a monster. An absolute prick. Hi.

Scourge of the earth. Makes me sick thinking about him. Jackson, scourge of the earth. I'm such a scourge. So look, we're assuming, for sake of argument, that I want to get rid of mudbloods and a pure wizarding community.

All right, so what is, as Voldemort, what is your goals in life? Well, I assume as my goals, it's a pure wizarding community, right? No more mudbloods. No more squibs. No more werewolves. Harry Potter over here. Why do you want to kill me so bad? I'm pure blood, mate.

Yeah, but you're also- No, I'm not. No, you are. Yes, I am. No, I was thinking- How does it work Yes I am James was pure blood Lily was a half cast If two wizards make a wizard that's sick If two muggles make a wizard that's fucked

What if it's one each That's fucked too That's half bloods I've got no time So first of all move one Mud blood makes more sense as One of each by the way JK if you're listening Because then your blood has mud in it First of all, move one. Mudblood makes more sense as one of each, by the way. JK, if you're listening.

Yeah, true. Because then your blood has mud in it. Yeah. Whereas otherwise your blood has nothing in it. Yeah. Your blood is all mud. It should be a different... Yeah, it should be a different racial term. And it would be something along the lines of like...

Yeah. Like it'd just be something to do with fake or for like... Like wrong blood or something. No, it'd be like... Impure blood I don't know What about a racial slurs? Like a muggle something

Muggle fucker Muggle fucker That's half blood again They were produced by muggles That'd be so great What's up muggle fucker Yo, muggle fuckers I think you could just call them You's up, muggle fucker? Yo, muggle fuckers!

I think you could just call them, like, you could just turn muggle-born into a real rude phrase. Or even fake wizard. Yeah, you're not real. You're not a true wizard. False wizard. Anyway, step one is split my soul into seven. Or ten.

Oh, okay. Horcrux that shit. You remember that the horcrux is like... Yeah? Like, the seventh one almost killed him. Oh, okay. You remember... Horcrux, that shit. You remember that the Horcrux is like... Yeah? Like the seventh one almost killed him. Oh, did it? Yeah. Okay, we'll go seven, man. Seven's a solid.

Yeah, let's go six. Because six was his plan. Let's play it safe. I only do one. He did six. What turns you evil? No, I just am. Because I know you wanted to be...

What turned Tom Riddle evil? His dad was a dick. His dad was a dick dicks he was not exactly he was one of those kids like you know mutilated puppies yeah he did that kind of stuff he's like yeah guess what dumbled like when dumbledore comes and sees me it's like you're special aren't you i'll be like fucking oath watch this shit then i'd tear a dog in half With my hands And he'd be like That wasn't magic Magic You just deny

What? Cause yeah There's that thing Cause he wants He really wants the defense Against the dark arts Why did he want that again? I don't know

It's just a good position Pays well But like I mean If Dumbledore would be like Sure Would he be like sweet and fine? No no Cause he's fucked up as a kid

He's fucked up in the orphanage He's like Dumbledore's like Yeah you get powers And he's like Yeah I can, if Dumbledore would be like, sure. Would he be, like, sweet and friendly? No, no, because he's fucked up as a kid. He's fucked up in the orphanage. He's like, Dumbledore's like, yeah, you get powers. And he's like, yeah, I can make people do what I want. I can make animals do what I want. And you're like, ooh, boy. He stuck a finger up a dog's bum. I reckon. That's what he did.

Anyway. So, fucking Voldy Moldy Begoldy chooses some terrible places for his Horcruxes. Not in a snake. That's just silly. One, snakes die, guys. A snake is fine if it's an immortal snake that you've probably charmed to be hopefully immortal. Do Horcruxes grant immortality?

I don't know, but my point would be don't fucking have it around your neck, you dickhead. It's like having a Horcrux being your tie. It's on you. You're wearing it. You basically might as well not have split your soul. Yeah, you fucking mor soul yeah you know the horcrux is gonna only be destroyed by the horcruxes yeah that's fine wait if it's only one

horcrux it doesn't know it's not about other horcruxes because the basilisk venom or the gryffindor thing can oh that's right because the the uh so i keep thinking the swords are horcrux it's not it's the only one of the house things it isn't yeah so what what what destroys the horcrux then this shit that's powerful enough so the. Yeah. So what destroys a Horcrux then? It's shit that's powerful enough. So the Gryffindor sword can... A Horcrux can destroy another Horcrux though. Avada Kedavra. I don't know if that's true,

but I do know that like Avada Kedavra probably, if it's a person or a snake. Yeah. Or whatever. But definitely like basilisk. What do they say about the basilisk? Yeah, yeah, that's right. It's a venom that does it.

Anyway. So whatever's powerful enough or some shit. Doesn't matter. No, it doesn't. Because I'm making my horcruxes tiny. One's going to be a grain of rice. What if I eat it and poop it out? It's fine.

It's still the same grain of rice. I ate it. I digested it. Fuck you. Do you reckon your digestion can break a horcrux? Yes. Heat. And acid.

How do you destroy a horcrux? Eat it. Eat it. Hurry. Ho down on this book. Well, I mean, if it destroy a horcrux Eat it Hurry ho down on this book Well, I mean, if it's a grain of rice, yeah Because, I mean, it's tiny and you could eat it And just see a grain of sand Little rock Little rock in the ocean

Dumb, just little rock, flick it into the sea Don't be sentimental at all No, I'm not putting anything close to me This fan that's next to me Does it grant, I want to know if it grants immortality Because if it does, I'm not putting anything close to me. This fan that's next to me. Does it grant... I want to know if it grants immortality. Because if it does, I'm doing a worm. Put a worm in the earth. It digs down to the middle of the earth.

I'm out of... I would assume no. It does not grant immortality. I would assume no. A pillow? Because who's going to even think? A throw rug? Rocks are your best option, to be honest.

Six rocks. And just throw them in different lakes. Like, not even joking. Because rocks don't really... I mean, they erode, but not after a long time. No, fuck it. No, no, no. Wow, I know what to do.

A crisp packet. A bottle of Sunkist. A computer. What if someone eats and drinks your Horcruxes? Like a styrofoam, one of those old shitty styrofoam cups? Yeah, styrofoam cup. A businessman. All of these things ending up in a landfill.

Businessman included. And like, I don't know, what's that something that only muggles use that wizards have no understanding of? Rubber duck. Fuck it, and then I just let them out into the muggle world. There's no way a muggle can destroy a horcrux.

Well, horcruxes can be destroyed by basilisk venom, fiend fire spell. Oh yeah fire No not just fire It has to be like Magic Crazy nuts fire

Because Crab or Goyle Actually destroys the Horcrux So basically What I've done here Is I've played I've used the benefits And if it's a living thing If you kill the host

The Horcrux dies The muggles are never going to find A Basilisk tooth What do you do? How's this for an idea? Go to a factory somewhere Like in Wherever they make anything.

Like, you know, literally anything. Just a factory. Cotton shirts. A cotton shirt. Or I was thinking more like a plastics. Okay. A plastics factory. Actually, yeah, plastics factory.

Just grab six lads. Mm-hmm. Random. Whoever. Yeah. Horcrux them. Kill one. Horcrux in that bit of plastic.

In that bit of plastic. Kill another. That bit ofks. Kill one. Hawks in that bit of plastic. That bit of plastic. Kill another. That bit of plastic. Kill another. So there could be like some child's plastic playground somewhere where one of them is The slide. The slide is a hawk rocks.

Man, that'd be cool as fuck. That kid, every time he goes down there, he's like, fuck you, mom. Like, why is it that the people who play on this playground, absolute shitheads. They just get real angry for some reason. Although then you've got like youths and teens just burning your slides. Yeah, see, I don't want it to be anything too big. So I think my Chris Packet, bottle of Sunkist, businessman, computer. No, businessman suit.

Yeah, businessman suit, computer, rubber duck, and a little rock. Good. Done. Those are my Horcruxes. Straight away, who's stopping me? No one. And Harry Potter. So how big can you make a Horcruxes. Straight away, who's stopping me? No one. And Harry Potter. So how big can you make a Horcrux?

Big as you like. What about like a cruise liner? A ship. A blimp. No. That'll break. Well, it depends. Because like a ship.

How much damage to a thing has to destroy a Horcrux? Because if you have a ship and you sink it, and then it just becomes a reef. Yeah. Sick. Nobody's going just becomes a reef. Yeah. Sick. Nobody's going to destroy a reef. Have a shit one, Potter. Basically. What about something in space?

Just launch something into space. Don't even keep it on Earth. Get all my rocks. Six rocks. Put them on the space shuttle. Surely there's a spell that you should fuck things off to space. Yeah. Yeah.

Like if I use Wingardium Leviosa. Heaps. Real good. Just fuck them off into space. Wingardium Leviosa Heaps Just fuck them off into space Wingardium Leviosa You just orbit the planet And no one will ever know which of the many rocks Orbiting the planet are mine Alright, done

Voyager? Yeah, check them on Voyager What wizard is going to know about space travel? Does Voldemort? Well, I do. You knew about Playstations. So how, like, when was Voldy around? How did he know about Playstations?

Because he lived in Muggle World. Was Voldy in Mudblood? Yes. So that's how I know about space travel. It happened well before space travel actually happened. Hopefully you'd like... You might know about World War II, you wouldn't know about space travel, mate. How old is Voldemort?

Because you'd think Voldy would at least find out about space travel. I feel like they would have... Voldemort being a Mudblood would have an understanding of it. Because that's a good way of doing it on Voyager. Plus it's Jackson the Voldemort. Yes. So like you know that little plaque they make that they stuck on

on Voyager? Yeah. Are that. However though when you do die and then you have to get to come back, you're gonna be like coming back on Voyager? To wait till it lands again. What's the distance, the connectivity, the connection or whatever of your soul? Like, what distance?

Well, also, I guess because Voldemort came back through the book because the book was on Earth and involved as young as I am. I'm just six rocks on Voyager. Is one of the rocks going to form a Voldemort soul and be like, hey, yo. How did Voldemort get on the back of Quirrell? Because that's a good deal. I'll do that too. That's a good ride. Just be on the back of lots of lads' heads.

Yeah, but not the back of his head because then I'm only seeing what's behind him. On his neck and he has to wear a scarf. What about the front of his face? And so it just looks like normal but not quite? Yeah, okay. I can pull that off. What if you're just a face on top of another face Yeah so someone's like hang on

What is wrong with Quirrell Nothing Look away He looks like he's got four eyes but not My other mouth is talking Shut up Quirrell Like sometimes when he speaks his mouth doesn't move It's real unsettling

He'll look left but he'll be staring straight ahead It's like he's got two faces and they don't sync up I don't move it's real unsettling he'll look left but he'll be staring straight ahead I don't it's just it's like he's got two faces and they don't sync up I don't understand it ghost face

he's got a ghost face he's a Wu-Tang he's a Wu-Tang ain't nothing to fuck with and I also kind of like the diary because I think that's a good move

right I just gotta do it better don't choose Ginny because Ginny is I choose some lowly that's Lucius mate that's not you. That's fucking Lucius being a dickhead.

Did I set that in place before I died? No, no. That's just Lucius being a dickhead. My diary as well is not... Younger me was a nightmare. I was wearing fluoro pink jackets. I'll pop up in that chamber and I'll be like, Hi!

And Ginny will be like, What the fuck is this? You would talk like that in high school. That's how I... I was his fucking wolf. Hi, how you doing? It's me, Jackson Marvolo Riddle. And then Harry will come, stab my book. No, Harry would come and stab himself.

Winner. Destroyed one of your horcruxes. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. So I guess I also have to get Peter Pettigrew out of a mouse Rat whatever I need a body again Come on

I'm of a servant Wait has he been transfigured You could just cut off his little rat arm Yeah fuck it I'll just grab him as a rat and snip it off Get Quirrell too Because what the fuck was Quirrell's plan He wanted the Philosopher's Stone

So Voldemort could come back the Philosopher's Stone, yeah? Yeah. So Voldemort could come back? The Philosopher's Stone was to grant... I want to say immortality. Yeah, it does. So that was to grant Voldemort immortality. Voldemort already had sneaky immortality.

I'm assuming because Rowling didn't perhaps write these Horcrux things until maybe book five. Yeah, that's fair. Like how Invisibility Cloak, probably not a Deathly Hallow. Probably not a Deathly Hallow, but now it is. So I'm guessing it was just one of those, maybe just did he have, maybe a bit of a blubber on himself? Was Voldemort like, I need to live forever.

Oh, wait, I did that. I already sorted that out. I'm an idiot. Oh, no, But isn't it like He can't come back Like cause Horcruxes How does a Horcrux work No cause they explain it in the books

But my memory's real Real You gotta kill a dude Then you make a thing your soul And then using that You can maybe come back Yeah but it's not so much It's more that

It's not that you're alive You're not dead either It's like It's just like you're living In a gross limbo It's rough Anyway So

Fuck making the cup A portkey If I want Harry to come to me I get Mad-Eye Moody to like make Harry's fucking bed a portkey So Harry doesn't even need to compete In the Triwizard Cup He's like oh goodnight

And I'm like yeah tie him up You got a good fucking point Why the fuck did Mad-Eye Moody Well well, Barty Crouch, you know, go through all that shit? Yeah, nonsense. Just make, like, I don't know, a bagel, a fucking porky. Harry, have this bagel. Sure, I'd... Especially if it's Harry's bed, though.

Why not just something in his office so that Harry's not even... Like, people... Or a pen. No, because, no, no, no, that's too randomized. No, a pen. No, it's too randomised No, a pen Harry, come to my office Oh, can you hand me that pen? Yeah, that's what I mean

That's okay, but it has to be in his office Don't give it to Harry and Harry pulls it out of the closet and fucks off You have to hand it to him Yeah, no, no, no You put it on your table Fucking portkies per portkies And then you sit down and you wait And then Harry grabs it, pops wait And you're like Hey Harry

And then Harry grabs it Pops up And fuck making it pop up Near the graveyard I want to calibrate it So he pops up In the cauldron Or whatever

Like yeah You put maybe like Again Have a pen Yeah Put it on the floor Portkey that Harry I dropped my pen

Oh Harry I dropped my Oh Harry I dropped my pen Pick it up will ya I'll pick it up for ya Off he goes And then what There he is And I'm like yo

Pettigrew Slice him up Get some blood While we're at it Kill him No because Voldemort Wants to kill him Because that's his

Alright Voldemort's like Keeping him there He does And that's where you get That awesome Like wand battle I'll be like Keep him there tied up

For the mo I'll pop up out of the cauldron I'm like Oh new body. Good. Where's my nose, though? Whatever. Excuse me?

Nobody knows. What's this about? Quick question. When I died, I had a nose. Can you give me your nose? How come now I don't have a nose? That's really bizarre. How about this, Pettigrew?

You cut off your nose and give me that nose. You chuck it on me. Because I'm clearly better than you. Pettigrew has a gross nose, though. I'd prefer no nose in his nose. Lucius, give me your nose. You've got a great nose And great hair

And in this moment Harry fucks up Shit I was so worried about the Whole nose thing that I missed Fuck Dammit you got in his bed again The boy who lived and the boy who ran away

Shit Fuck Damn it, he got in his bed again. The boy who lived and the boy who ran away. Shit. Fuck. This is a real shit in the mud, guys. Why is my snake here? She's a horcrux. Didn't I say this? Send it to Peru or something. Put it in the zoo.

So I'm going to have to fucking get the Death Eaters to pick up their game. I'm going to be like, we want to integrate into society. How about we don't have really obvious tattoos? Everyone, after this meeting, go to a tattoo parlor, get them removed. Not even, just... In fact, come here, let me... Remover's tattoo

is gone. There we go, come, line up. This is fucked, guys. I go away for like how long am I gone? A couple years and it's a fucking shit show. Alright? You're embarrassing. So, no tattoos. Yep. You'd make

something less, like just a panda horcrux. Yeah, it doesn't have to be so fucking, you know, innocuous. Like it doesn't have to be so obvious. It can be something innocuous. And then, like, I guess i just start gathering forces you know what i might do is i might get all my death eaters to gather up the remaining horcruxes put them in a ball of concrete drop it in the lake i just think that's it then means if you what huh what is your beef well if it's at the bottom of a lake yes i feel like that's probably not great

for erosion and stuff. They might just start breaking. No, they're in a huge ball of concrete and it's not a moving lake. What if you put the concrete and the pressure of the concrete cracks whatever you've put it in? The lake's on that, Dave.

No, the concrete's heavy. The concrete's not going to be great. I'll get real good concrete. What is this? I smell the concrete slab. Yeah. Just make that the horcrux. What are your horcruxes?

I told you Packet, grist, sunkist Some of those are going to be A businessman Some of those are just The businessman's dead So that's one gone I'm just like

Good, good Ow What was that? Jackson Riddle Voldemort, sorry The bottle of Sunkist Is fucked Chip packet

Will probably survive This is really stupid A chip packet was good But like a plastic bottle Would have been good A plastic bottle No because like I feel like

Wait what if you chuck Like say a plastic bottle For recycling No I'm thinking of concrete wrong Because it goes on wet Yeah So it would mould around it Yeah exactly that's what I mean

What happens if you've got like a plastic bottle And someone just chucked it into recycling And someone melted that down And then it becomes like 18 other bottles Can you split? Nah the moment you melted it down It would destroy the Horcrux But okay you get a glass bottle

Horcrux that one, shatter get a glass bottle. Yeah. Horcrux, that one. Shatter the glass bottle. What happens to my soul? Because it's still, the glass bottle still exists. Nah, because like in the stone... Conservation of mass, cons. But in the, but in like the stones and stuff, the moment the stones crack, he's still fucked. But they're all magical items.

That's the thing. My things are mundane because that makes a lot more sense. Sort of. Yeah. I mean, you still want to keep track of them. Anyway. Lots of paperweights. So in the fourth book as well,

my Death Eaters, they go and cause shit at the Triwizard. No, the Quidditch World Cup. Just blow the whole thing up. I don't know why everybody in that one fucked around playing with muggles. I mean, just go in there, drop a bomb, and leave. Then that's sorted um have teams that i guess go around and search out muggle borns i'm sure we can find them

in fact to be honest i might just assault the whole muggle community good idea like honestly so deal with the muggles before the wizards yeah you know like if i get my death eaters and i get everybody on side and we just go and storm like Parliament House or whatever. Or British Parliament, Buckingham Palace. Sounds a lot like a little place called Poland. In 1941. For the sake of the argument, I have to be Voldemort. He's got to be Wizard Hitler.

I don't want to be. I'd love a Mudblood. Jackson B. Bailey loves a mudblood. And squibs and shit. They're sick. But look, just fact of the matter is I've got to go and kill me some mudbloods. And some muggles. So you're just going to murder...

Can you make a magic bomb? Like a magic A-bomb. I don't think so. Oh, dragons. Yeah. Fucking dragons. Darn, you've got Dementors on your side. Yeah, dragons, Dementors, Storm London.

That's fucking day dot. I'm out of the cauldron. Are you saying day dot? Yeah. It's day dot. Day dot? Dot? Like, you said it before, and I was like, maybe I just misheard him in another episode.

I think it's day dot. It's day from day dot. No. Let's check. Is it day dot or day dot? Now I don't know. The most important fact check in plumbing history. Dusha, you're looking at me like, who's on who's... I'm pretty sure it's day dot or day dot? Now I don't know. The most important fact check in plumbing history. Dusha, you're looking at me like, who's on who's...

I'm pretty sure it's day dot, but I would never say it because it doesn't... Because I would just be like day one. Yeah, from day one, day dot. Sometimes day zero. Is it literally the first thing? Just search day dot, and if it says... Did you mean day dot? I it says Do you mean day dot I'm getting a lot of day dot

Not gonna lie I might be very Very wrong I'm so sure it was day dod What's a dod Yeah that's what I was like What is a dod It makes just as much sense

As day dod Come on No I googled day dod And I get dog days That's pretty sick Anyway Since day dod That's fucking Whatever That's day one. Anyway, since Day Dodd, that's fucking...

Whatever, that's Day 1. I pop out of the cauldron and I'm like, gather the dragons, gather the Dementors, storm London. Sick. There's a game called Day of Defeat that people call Dodd. Well, that's close. Would you try and get like...

Because clearly Hogwarts is like the goody good two shoes, but maybe Durmstrom is on your side? Yeah. I mean, that's kind of happening over in Hungary. But I might as well send some Death Eaters over to check the siege. Because what's his name? What's his name? The Headmaster.

The Headmaster. Because he's an old Death Eater. Yeah. What happens to him? I read somewhere that he died. He's probably fine. You know what I'm going to do? Why are Death Eaters allowed back in the community and not put in Wizards?

Because Wizards are fucking retarded. They don't know what they're doing. Yeah, they should be charged for war crimes. They should, but they're not. Because it's not in a situation where it was fine to be part of an army. How many students are left at Hogwarts? Is it everyone? They lock up all the Slytherins on the Battle of Hogwarts, yeah?

Yes. Okay. So instead of just arriving and giving everyone cuddles like Voldemort does, right? Also, after that Battle of Hogwarts there, Slytherin are being abandoned, right? They're just cutting Slytherin. I guess. It's real weird when they lock up the Slytherins and the Slytherin's like, we didn't do anything. They're like, no, no, no.

Lock them up. They were going to sell Harry out. Anyway, but that's what I want. Instead of arriving like that, sleeper agents. Send the Slytherins in to attack from the inside. Right? Because that's so much cleverer than just arriving and running across their big long bridge.

Or, fucking possibility two, don't even worry about Hogwarts. You know? What's so good? I don't need to be there. That's where the powerful wizards are. Kill the other mudbloods. Why would you even... Why would you care about Hogwarts?

It makes no strategic sense. He's got a vendetta against Hogwarts. I get his theory personally. I will have left Hogwarts, right? They'll be like, this is who you are because you're fucked. And I'll be like, that's it. See it. This is like fucking Hitler being like, man. Oh, wait, he did do this. Yeah, fine.

Were you about to describe Hitler's entire fucking deal? No, like the kind of him being like, oh, they didn't let me in art school, so I'm going to fucking bomb it. And like, oh, he did that. That's Hitler's whole fucking shebang. He was pretty petty. But Jackson Marvolo Riddle.

Is that right what he did? Basically, Hitler, Yeah, basically. Because my World War II is not strong. Jackson seemed to look after him quite strongly. It's just... But it's just kind of like... It just seems weird to be... Yeah, I was in Hogwarts.

They didn't let me become a teacher. Dickheads. I've already killed... Elvis. Great. Why would I want to destroy it? What does he want out of Hogwarts? Nothing.

It just seems so weird to him being like, I've killed Harry Potter. Who wants Cuddles? To carry the Hitler analogy along, it's kind of like if Hitler and his Nazis were like, where's the most heavily fortified place? Hey, guess how the Nazis lost the war? How? They attacked the most heavily fortified place hey guess how the nazis lost the war no they've attacked the most heavily fortified place fucking nazis yeah but that's a country not a place and it wasn't hitler

storming the gates himself wasn't hitler being like i'm going to give a cuddle to whoever comes to join the nazi party yeah because if the nazis didn't do that they probably would have won the war and guess what i'm not doing that uh yeah also the struggle for me do that, they probably would have won the war. And guess what I'm not doing? That. Also, the struggle for me is that how am I going to breed out? Also, why Hogwarts initially? Because Hogwarts is such a defensive thing. Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't make sense. You don't need it.

You don't need to fight Hogwarts. Once you've got the rest of the Wizarding World, then you can attack Hogwarts. Because Hogwarts is a defensive thing. It's fucking children. It shouldn't be harsh Attack the Hogwarts Express Yeah, well I might do that next year Don't attack it this year

Let them think everything's peaches and dicks And then next year, derail the Hogwarts Express On a bridge, all the children die You want them on your team though That's what I was going to say. What I probably do is I'd be at the front of the... When I come back, I don't do anything. I just gather my forces. Build up the Death Eaters.

We go recruiting. You know what you should do? Get the old families together. Don't admit you're back. There's a rumour that Voldemort's back. Yeah, that's what I mean. I'm not going to show up and be like, guess what? Guess what, cunts? It's your boy, Voldemort. What I'm going to do instead is just lay low. Build up. I go to all the old Guess what? Guess what, cunts? It's your boy, Voldemort. What I'm going to do instead is just lay low, build up.

I go to all the old Wizarding families and I'm like, who's still kind of ready to get rid of the impure cunts? You're going to have the John Wick problem, though. What's that? People are going to keep asking you if you're back. No, I mean, but like I stay somewhere and get the Death Eaters to do it. But then Death Eaters are going to talk. Yeah.

If they do, guess what they get? They're everything cut off But yeah, you just have this room like Death Eaters, my like 13 or whatever you are So fine, we want at least like 50 of you We want 50 dudes Before we start the whole thing Spread rumors that I'm back But don't confirm or deny it

Put the fear in people It's kind of the idea there's a movement going there's a movement going so we want the giants on side we want the werewolves on side so it's like stuff he actually does but we don't really get to see a lot of but you need a long-term solution exactly what's your plan though like how are you getting people on side well i'm gonna be like let's actually talk about how magic works for a moment okay so if you have uh two muggles they give birth to a kid that kid that kid has a muggle wife or a husband okay their kid less magic that's just wizard science until eventually everyone's muggles

and that's shit that's not how wizarding worksuggles. And that's shit. That's not how wizarding works. How do you know? That's how Voldemort might think it works. Oh, let's just open it up to squibs. Oh, whatever. Data squib. Then you're lessening your chance of having a wizard baby.

That's a good point. I mean, as racist wizard over here, I'd be like, you've got a good point. Hang on. You've got a good point. That on. You've got a good point. That's fucking right. I do too. If I married a muggle, if fucking Nora, my wife, was a muggle and we had a kid, it would get half of my magic juice and none of Nora's.

And then that child marries a muggle. Again, it's just dampened and dampened. It'd be a quarter wizard None of that in my family And then one day the muggles take back over Because all of us are too shit-brained to do anything Is that what you want? As an educated wizard I'm like

That's not how wizard genetics work I don't think any wizards are educated enough To know how wizard genetics work Because when they're like mudblood What do I know then? What's your theory? I'm a wizard show me your degree in wizard genetics

gay Voldemort the finger off with your everything what's your burden of proof? come on so what it is is that anyone that's a mudblood Has wizarding blood in their family It's a gene

That gene just appears So the more muggles that they sleep with And the more muggle born that we let in No, the gene doesn't dilute But that's how genes work How do you know this? Reality You can't bring a little bit of reality no no no this

isn't this is in like this is from like i'm not just this isn't me being like science though it's it's from uh-huh it's from so there's like a permanent magic gene yeah and that's how like because i was reading about it people know this i I know. I might be... But it doesn't matter because I feel like the majority of the wizard community is nowhere near educated enough to understand wizard genetics. Voldemort could convince the wizard racists pretty easy. Fucking Arthur Weasley doesn't know

what a rubber duck is. Nobody's explained genetics to him. That's true. We're done. We're fucked. You win. Magic is in the family. That's all people are aware of. I'm just going to play on the stupidity. If I'm a wizard, I'm just like, who cares if there's no other wizard?

That'll make me the most powerful person. You're suggesting inbreeding. Cousins is okay. God damn it, Jackson. I'd be like, look, we're giving birth to more wizards There's a lot of us It'll be fine That's future Voldemort's problem

So what do we do with our floods now? Gather them up Slaughter them But shouldn't we like Yes Have them around just for their innate wizard abilities? Why? Or else

we're just all going to be marrying our cousins. I don't want everyone to marry. There are a lot of wizards. Yeah, but there's not many purebloods anymore. The purebloods will breed together and that'll create more purebloods. I mean, he's like, the blacks, and that might be it.

Yes. Well, I feel like we'll... What's your family, Voldemort? Cut off his everything. Eliminate all of him. But assuming I have everybody on side, we fucking leave Hogwarts alone We do some eugenics

Sneaky eugenics on the wizards Get a more pure Brad I just Destroy London You've had me and then you lost me And then it's all out You've got the racist wizards on side I sure do

The semi-racist wizards who are a little bit more smarter Would be like, actually though, how do we keep it all pure blood? Because I don't think there's many pure blood wizarding houses anymore. We've got the serious... All we have to do is breed half-bloods with half-bloods. But you just want to slaughter all the half-bloods.

Well, now I've re-thinken it. You breed half-bloods with half-bloods until they become pure blood again. Or you rebuild a pure blood line But then it's the same Because they consider like Hermione and Ron's kids are pure blood See that's nonsense

But Hermione is a mudblood Yeah and she should be slaughtered in the oncoming purge Excuse me Mr Voldemort So we've got the blacks Which are great As a pure wizard you know, wizarding Serious in the gang They're a bunch of sick lads

The Weasleys are also pure blood And they're just a bunch of Well, dullards Trash flavoured trash Trash flavoured trash, I think is how we would describe the Weasleys They've got good blood though Yes, do they though? I mean, it's magic.

Well, yes, but they're trash. Flavoured trash. They're good at magic, though. Yes, but they're trash flavoured trash. I wouldn't call them good. They're very poor. Off with his everything. So while I'm full on for pure bloods,

what's the good of a pure blood? They're more powerful. But the Weasleys are trash flavoured trash, as we keep establishing. All the Weasley's doesn't know what a rubber duck is. Thank God,

because that's one of my horcruxes. Don't tell anyone. That would have been a fucking great little thing if that... Oh, that would have been clever of old

Jukka Rowelling. Anyway. Well, look, it's going to be a struggle, but I also don't have to think terribly logically because I'm Voldemort. That's true. I just kind of got to cause as much destruction as I can

Killing Harry Potter Let's get that out of the way Let's finish it off with me, how I'm going to murder Harry Potter Alright Try a Varda Kedava Not a gun When it comes to like Why are you shooting him?

Get rid of him Where are you shooting him get rid of him where where are you shooting him in the heart mistake why okay he's a wizard yep

what'll happen if you shoot him you're destroying your horcrux same thing it'll be exactly the same that happens with the Avada Kedavra no but then I don't have a chance

of him Avada Kedavra-ing me so rather than just using a gun which I let's just say maybe wizards have a fear of or else why I'm so scared.

Everyone's a fighting man. Batman. There's a chance you could shoot Harry and he could just heal. There's a charm that makes you able to control another person's legs. That, and I'll just make him walk off the bridge. He'll be like, Avada, and I'll be like, Lagius. And he'll be like, what? No, no, no, no, no.

Up, up, off the bridge. How about rather than maybe, I don't know, be a bit more hands-on and you yourself check him to see if he's alive? Oh, yeah, no, like, well, I mean, if he... Wasn't he actually dead for a bit, though? Well, here's the thing. When Harry Potter dies... Like, he goes,

he falls down, and then he's like, oh, you go find out, like, Malfoy's mummy. So, say he's dead, right? I'm going to be like, cut off his head. Yeah. Because she looks over,

he's like, are you alive? Or like, where's Malfoy? He's like, Malfoy's safe. And he's like, oh, he's dead. And then he prayed he's like a lifeless corpse, but he's like really alive. Yeah, like if fucking she says that, yeah, cut off his head.

Like, I'm not going to trust any of my Death Eaters. Yeah, fuck it. I cut off his head. Death Eaters, they stab me in the back like that. Then, you know, once I've taken over London and the world is burning. What would happen if Harry obliviated Voldemort? I reckon that would be a much better ending. Rather than killing him, maybe they just like,

Obliviate! And Voldemort is left as a mindless husk. Yeah, that would have been cool. A little bottomy ending. And then I'll go to Hogwarts and maybe ask for cuddles. Who wants to join me? And then when Neville's like, let me say something, I'm not just going to be like, all right, Neville, go ahead.

I'm going to be like, Avada Kedavra, guys. Is the next thing out of your mouth I want to cuddle? I know. Avada Kedavra. And then I'll make sure that they're all murdered murder all the students not above killing kids and Hogwarts to the ground

rule as the new wizard king of the world I think so I think that's what he wanted I lost track of what I was after to be honest my strategy is going to be obliviate you to be honest I think there's because you die from an expelliarmus track, last track of what I was after to be honest. My strategy is going to be obliviate you, to be honest.

I think there's... Because you die from an expelliarmus, you fucking idiot. This version doesn't. This version cut off Harry's head. You know, he like rolls Harry out for everyone to see. I'm just going to be like, bowl the head. Everyone will be like, wow, okay. Yeah, that's right. You met Nellie here on the sneak, meet my new mate

Headless Harry. This is youral. Brutal as fuck. You met Nellie Harris-Nick, meet my new mate, Headless Harry. This is your hero. That's fucked, hey? Like, even his woman wouldn't bowl him, just like, piff him into the crowd. At Neville. Can I say something? Yes, you can, Neville. Smacked with a Harry Potter head.

That's a pretty Deadpool of you. Fuck you. is that what Deadpool does what yeah Deadpool that's in the trailer damn and on that note I've been Voldemort

I've been Joel Dusha and I've been Joel Zamet or Deadpool or that's a good way to cause a silence if you think this show is worth at least a dollar,

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