Plumbing the Death Star - Which Original X-Men Had The Worst Puberty?

Episode Date: December 16, 2018

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Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like which original X-Men had the worst puberty okay so with mutants yes one of the the thing with mutants yeah is that their mutant powers generally manifest when they hit puberty so it it's like, oh, yay, I now have hair where there was no hair. I can come and, oh, no, lasers. I have hair where there was no hair, i.e. everywhere, literally every inch of my skin. I just had this, I'm just railing the episode straight off the bat.

My brain was just overwhelmed with the thought that I forgot that there was a point in my life where I couldn't come. just overwhelmed with the thought that I forgot that there was a point in my life where I couldn't come. I've been able to do that for so long now that I forgot that... Yeah, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. That's wild. Anyway,

back to X-Men or whatever. Yeah, so generally, the mutant Jean pops up in puberty. There are, of course, instances and cases where it doesn't. Including Jean. Jean Grey? Yeah, that happens in puberty. I thought that was earlier for her. No, generally.

I think it's with her. What about if you're, like, gross like Beak? Or like you? Beak? A gross, like, mutant boy. Yeah, he was a gross mutant thing from birth. And there's something like... Multiple man as well.

Yeah, multiple man. He was also from birth. Multiple from birth. But he's classified as something else, which is not quite a mutant. It's like a change something. Changeling? Maybe. If you're...

Ghost. Comics are stupid. If you're... Say you've become a shark man. Yes. Or your mutant power is shark man, your name's shark. Or your mutant power is you are a shark. Yes.

Your mutant power is not shark man. There is a shark woman, so we can use her. Let's use her. Use her as a good example. How great is it every time we do an X-Men episode we're like what about this dumb idea and then someone's like yeah well actually it's this one every episode it's a trope at this point

what I want to know is do they suddenly become a shark woman at puberty or if it's a complete change to your physical form surely like in normal puberty, there is a gradual thing. It's not like I suddenly wake up and I'm like, oh, things have gotten bigger.

And oh my God, I can't stop coming. Yeah, but if I'm a shark woman, are you saying that it's a gradual? It has to be a gradual. Over the course of three years, you're like, oh, I'm feeling fucking. So let's just go So the original 5X, then you got Jean Grey, Angel, Beast, Cyclops, and Iceman. Yes. So let's just focus on where I think is probably the most prevalent,

which would be Angel. Yeah. Because he has wings. Did they just burst out of his back one day? Yeah. That is insane. But I don't think so. I mean, well, everything depiction-wise has been like,

yes, he would have just bursted out. But I think there think so. I mean, well, everything depiction-wise has been like, yes, he would have bursted out. But I think there would have been like a growth phase. At one point, he's got to wake up and little chicken nubs, like tiny little wings, like... Like have you ever seen a baby bird's filthy fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. They look like raw chicken wings hanging at the back that he could maybe wiggle slightly. Like it almost looks like a vestigial limb. Yeah.

Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep. Yeah. I guess... Also, his bones get hollow, soigial limb. Yeah. Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep. Yeah. I guess. Also, his bones get hollow, so that's something. Yeah. Hey, I feel lighter. Mom, Dad, I'm coming now, and also lighter. I can't tell if it's lightheadedness due to loss of hydration.

Also, pretty... Combs. Combs. Pretty sure he also gets better eyesight. Okay. That rules. That one you can notice gradually, as we're all going deaf and blind gradually. Yeah, absolutely.

The weird thing about eyesight is that I wouldn't know, like, that it had improved. I wouldn't notice it until well after I'd realised I have wings and hollow bones. Yeah, unless it was like... I'm noticing the wings, then the eyesight, then the hollow bones. How are you noticing hollow bones last?

How, what would, what would hollow- A stiff breeze knocks me over and I'm like, something's amiss. That comes in the middle. And then I'm like, also I can see a bit far. I don't think I would notice good eyesight until someone said I had good eyesight. Yeah. You know what I mean? I would notice wings, hollow bones, maybe would never.

Because I'm like, oh, I guess I can fly now. That's good. And yeah, eyesight. I'm like, can you read that? I'm like, yeah, I guess I can fly now that's good and yeah eyesight I'm like can you read that I'm like yeah you can't oh that's good he's so fragile holy shit so even though Angel's the original X-Men

I'm going from the original X-Men I think these wings X-Men The Last Stand you know that movie everyone loves that one yeah the best X-Men The Best Standing Time Angel cuts off his wings in that which makes that there's no way they'd be fully stand you know that movie everyone loves that one yeah the best x-men the best ending time angel cuts off his wings in that which makes that there's no way they'd be fully grown in fact you see them and they're not fully grown he grates them off and it's ew wait so by the time how old is he in x-men the last day well the first off the opening uh okay i was like as an adult

he's like they're coming in x-men uh yeah yeah, X-Men The Lost Angels. Imagine you were born with, like, hi, I'm Jackson, my bones are not as hollow, and my wings have yet to fully grow. And also I can see a little bit better. And they're like, I guess we're going to call you Worse Angel. Like, surely people could be born with a worse version of someone's mutation already. Beak. Because he was born gross. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

He's basically a worse angel. But it's even like, imagine I'm like, yeah, I have laser vision, but it can go half as far. Let's just focus on an angel. I think it's a pretty terrible going through that as puberty, because again, you've got to take into consideration normal puberty, but then you've got to be like,

oh, I'm getting wings. Because again, you're not going to notice the eyesight. Hollow bones is going to puberty but then you got to be like oh i'm getting wings yeah because again you're not going to notice the eyesight hollow bones is going to suck especially if you want to write you know like have a bit of a tumble and a tussle and you say leg breaks that's gonna it's funny with angel because like if i say i'm a member of the evil brotherhood and i'm fighting angel he's ripped right like he's in great shape and like i'm like i'm just going for it and i punch him in the ribs and my hand just crunches in and i'm like what the fuck is happening an angel is dead alternatively do you know what you think yeah oh my god i guess i've got the mutant ability of super strength holy shit i'm super strong then i punch colossus and break my hand look out colossus i am super

strong now. No! And then because you just killed Angel, Colossus probably decapitates you or something. He pulls my face off by my nose. You know, there's that dish you prepare of like a quail or whatever, and you've got to eat it under a hood so as not to be a front of God or some shit. Do you reckon, like, if you could, like, your superpowers to become big, could you do that to Angel?

Oh, yes. Because I feel that'd be very satisfying. And crunch his hollow bird bones. Yeah, and eat him whole. Does your meat taste like pigeon, Angel? God. I reckon. Satisfying.

So, we live with puberty. So, we live in the Marvel Universe, in the context of this. Or, like, Angel does. So, you would know. I know, but you this. Or like Angel does. So you would know. I know, but you're an original X-Man. You don't know mutants necessarily. You don't know mutants necessarily. You maybe know them as like, oh, something happens out there, but I don't really know what's going on.

Also, kids are dumb as shit. Like normal puberty scares children often. Yeah. It should. Oh, man. My first con was terrifying. I didn't know what was happening. Did I piss?

Am I dying? Am I dying? Have I become Spider-Man But just for my penis? Uh oh Then gradually No, no I can't swing from a building

Do I tell anyone? No No This is a secret for me I don't even remember like What I'm going to dub Period hysteria At primary school

When that started happening So like Kids are scared of puberty Fair enough I think it sucks But I can't remember Like I said There's like Pre- enough. I think it sucks, but I can't remember. Like I said, there's like pre-cum and post-cum, and I can't remember my pre-cum life. It's like, you know, you get hair where there was no hair.

I'm like, did that itch? Yeah, surely. I feel like it should have itched, but I don't remember it itching. I don't remember the beginnings of pubic hair. Just one day I had pubic hair. You know? Yeah. Surely it didn't all come in at once, though.

That's insane. Surely. Surely. But I just donic hair. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Surely it didn't all come in at once, though. That's insane. Surely. Surely. But I just don't remember. I think it would suck. The reason I ask is because if you do live in the Marvel Universe and you develop wings, you would be like, I guess I'm a mutant and a shit one. Like, that's the worst thing for Angel, is that you have the dud.

You've got one of the worst mutant powers there are. Let's look at Angel's kind of life, because he's Warren Wellington III, a rich boy. So let's go through, he's mutant powers, hollow bones. Now, how is that going to affect his puberty? Because as a rich boy, I don't really think he's going to be doing much, say... Horse riding, maybe? In terms of sport, I don't think he'd be doing football,

but I do think he may play lacrosse, because that seems like what he would play at a prep school, yeah? Yeah, I guess the thing with old Angel... I wanted to call him Angel Man. With old Angel is that, yeah, like, he would become one of those sickly children that the parents are like, well, he's got hollow bones or we literally just can't let him out of the house or he'll die.

Bubble Boy. Put him in a bubble. He's a bubble boy. Yeah, because if you take away, like, actually what happened to Angel in the comics, let's take it as a child having these symptoms. So it's going to be like, the first thing that's going to happen is he's probably going to break a bone. Yes. You know, he might have these, like, residual wing things on the back of his thing,

but we haven't noticed them yet. If I was a family, I'd probably cut them off, to be honest. Yeah, look, same. Take him to a doctor? Yeah. So, like, he's hollow bones. I'm like saying, oh, no, my boy has delicate bones.

Yeah. I'm a protective father. Guess who's going in a bubble? Yeah. Warren is. Warren's going in a bubble with sawn-off wings. Yeah.

So, we put him in a bubble. Why are you sawn-off? Take him to a doctor. That's what I mean. Well, I'm not doing it myself. I'm going to a doctor that'll do it. Oh, yeah.

The doctor will definitely cut them off. Yeah. So, first step, he's in a bubble. We're like, awesome. My baby boy's protected. One Well, I'm not doing it myself. I'm going to a doctor that'll do it. Oh, yeah. The doctor will definitely cut them off. Yeah. So first step, he's in a bubble. We're like, awesome. My baby boy's protected. One day, I'm like, what's on your back there, kid?

He's like, I don't know. His little two gross, shitty chicken wings. Like, me, me, me, me. I'm like, what the hell? I know the best plastic surgeon, I assume, because I'm a rich boy. Yeah. Honey, fetch me my axe. Fetch me my axe, oh honey, the boy's grown wings.

Boy's grown wings, honey. Fetch me my giant cellular phone because I assume we're in the 80s. I was wearing a smoking gown with a pencil mustache running down a stick. Honey, pass me my rifle and musket! The boy's cunt wangs! Honey dearest!

Wings! He's a bat boy! In my family? Well, that's the thing, because if I was perhaps not the rich father, I would maybe sell my child into a circus. Because I'd be like, we have a bad boy. Yeah, I mean, that's the complete opposite.

Well, not the complete opposite. I mean, neither are good for the boy. No. Yeah. I just think it would... Because remember, in this world right now, we don't know about mutants. Yeah, you don't. We're just like, hmm, my boy is a freak.

Yeah, you would just assume that, yeah, he'd been born with some mutations. And I wouldn't even really know it was hollow bones. No. I just think fragile. Exactly. He's got fragile bones, and that's what we're going to go with. Feeding him too much milk is what I'd probably do. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

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Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh Alcimene Jackson's. A lot of them. Yeah. Would that ruin his mutant power? Hard to say. We live in a world where we accidentally cured his hollow bones because that's just a symptom of a thing. It's pretty good, though. If we just so... Like, if we give him...

And he can't fly. Yeah. Well, I cut off his wings, so he's just a guy with great eyesight. You can call me Look. And then it's just like, he just, I don't know, with great eyesight. He becomes an excellent hunter of foxes.

He can see them from a mile away. Better than 2020 vision. Is that good? An artist? You just look good, I guess. We've come to you because we wanted you to come to the Academy. You have angel wings and hollow bones and can fly.

Nope. I can just see pretty far. No, bro. I can just, you can put up a, hold a card up. I can read it from a bit of a distance. Frankly, I don't know if I want that. They call me Look. I'm called Look.

Who calls you Look? I call myself Look. Yeah. I mean, we've kind of made him better. Yeah. In terms of... Let's be honest. Because you've gotten rid of his...

All he does generally is he'll wear this weird harness where he straps in his wings. So he appears human and can wear a suit, which can only be uncomfortable. Oh, yeah, absolutely. If we got them little gross little chicken wings off him when he was sort of like at 13. And then he just deals with hollow bones or whatever. Calcium injections. Have we made Mr. Glass from The Unbreakable series? And also something that we need to take into consideration is I'm going to bring you back to the best film in the X-Men series, X-Men The Last Stand.

Yeah, of course. His wings grow back. We just keep sawing them off. How deep do we cut? Well, he, of course. His wings grow back. We just keep sawing them off. Well, yeah, that's... How deep do we cut? Well, he cuts them off. Yeah, but no, he cuts them off. But I'm talking surgery. We go in there and just kind of like get that scapula right off or whatever.

That can't be good. Now he's got no shoulders. Oh, Jesus. Where do the wings grow from? His spine? If we cut out his spine... It's his scapula. We made the incredible shoulderless look.

What does a person with no shoulders look like? Where are your arms going in? He's got no shoulder blades. It just droops down. Alternatively, we just stick his arms directly into his torso. Straight out. Like a stick figure boy. Yeah, there's no ball and socket joint.

It's just... It's like literally just a stick figure. I'd just like to point out Jackson literally just drew a typical stick figure. I just had to get it right in my head. And held it up. Yes. I had to get it right in my head. How does it grow back?

Because again, it's like if I cut off a hand, a hand don't grow back. Imagine it did though. If I cut off your hand every damn day, if I'm hungry, bang, that's what I'm having for dinner. My hand. That's a good way to go crazy. Who's already cutting and eating my hand? I'm already there. Yeah, look, that's fair.

I'm hungry. I can't be bothered going to the shop. But also, the first time you do that, you don't know it's going to grow back. That's true. I'm hungry and have gone insane for unrelated reasons. I'm going to eat this here hand. Whose hand is this? What? Why did that hurt?

What's going on? It tastes like bones. It tastes like bone gristle and a little bit like man flesh. Somebody, you're right. Look, my hand grew back. I'm hippity doody Jackson, baby. Alright.

Also, you know what? You know what bone gristle and man flesh tastes like, so I think I know what caused the insanity in the first place. Eating man. Oops. Hey, you know in comics they say that your mutant power develops during puberty. Yeah. Is that code for saying it develops at first orgasm? What? Jackson, do you find puberty by first orgasm. What?

Jackson, do you find puberty by first orgasm? No, but I just feel like... Do you know what puberty is? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. Really? It's a gradual hormonal change. I get it. So where does first orgasm come into that? I don't know. I just feel like it's such an important moment that everything all

comes out. I'm just imagining Angel as a regular rich boy jerking off and then all of a sudden his bones are hollow. And he grows these massive voluminous wings. He closes his eyes, makes a big chirp. Yeah. Hot bones become...

Does that mean he's just like... He ejects all the solidness of the bones, all the marrow or whatever. That's not even close to where I was going. Or does all the marrow or whatever That's not even close to where I was going Or does all the marrow or whatever from the bones kind of get sucked out and just pop into his wings Or the leftover fluid out of his cock

Sure, or he throws it up to be less unpleasant, because if I ejaculated my leftover fluid I would never be happy again We have a word for that. It's called piss. Where does it go? Cum? What? No.

So his hollow bones, assuming it's a gradual thing, surely he'll notice something happening. His bones hollowing out. That can't be good. Where's that excess mass going? Or is it slowly your body absorbing that all to the building block? It must turn it into nutrients. Same way when you lose weight, you're not just like...

You're not like... Your body's eating itself. My cum's gotten fatter. I'm trying to piss my pad out. What's up with it? Yeah, it just seems more like... Eating all my bones hollow seems like a lot more work than my... There are very few men who are losing weight.

If I'd be in better or worse shape, if when you lost weight, you then come out the excess fat. I would stay fat. I'd be celibate. Celibate. Very unfit. And fearful of humanity. Yeah, look, fear.

So you're thinking that as soon as Angel has his first cum. I'm positing it as a theory. He just like sprouts wings, bones get hollows. He's like, I can see real good now. Holy shit, I can see across the fucking room. The only way I may know that my eyesight has improved is if I had worn glasses. Yeah, that's true. Like the whole Peter Parker, Spider-Man 1 scene.

That's the only reason I'd be like, oh, my eyesight has improved. Alternatively, I don't know. I think if you're in the same environments and all of a sudden- Things become clearer? Yeah, but if you've got 20-20 vision, that doesn't really work so much. But if you've got a bit fucked eyes- I just think that it would be something I might notice a week later. Because the wings would take precedence.

Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Look, so you're an angel boy. You've grown wings. Is this bad? It's not great. Yeah, look, so, yeah, you're an angel boy. You've grown wings. Is this bad? It's not great. Like, you know. Because if, is it, are we going to go with little tiny, like, vestigial things first

and then they sort of, like, grow into full-blown wings? Yeah. Or is it just one suddenly? Yeah. Which theory do we ascribe to? The gradual mutant puberty or the powers at orgasm or PAO? I think PAO I agree

so it's like puberty so maybe you go through like your first initial stages of puberty which is like you know normal hour puberty and then of course the hormonal balance is moving along or whatever and suddenly you have a first come and like and now you have wings or blue skin

Holy shit, I'm a shark woman! Oh my god! Yeah I was just flicking my feet and now I've got gills I hate this! You gotta think that God is punishing you Absolutely If you grew up in a western society where masturbation

was sin and bad Holy shit I'd be so good if they were right But imagine if you were Nightcrawler I know it's not the original X-Men But if you were Nightcrawler And he was born as a demon boy But his powers kicked in at puberty And as the point of orgasm

Imagine that Because if you grew up in I think it was Germany It was heavy, heavy Catholic themes And you jerked off and suddenly you were a demon boy? You'd be like, I guess they were right. Oh no. But how confusing from the perspective

of a fucking angel. He's like, I am one of God's chosen. Rewarding me? Did I die? Did I, have I, am I a prophet? Did I? Have I?

Am I a prophet? Am I a good boy? I assume I died. I would assume I died as well. You're like, I'm in heaven but on earth, I guess. But then the thing I'd be then talking, I'd be talking to all my friends and being like, guys, jerk off. You're going to get something good. I got wings.

I don't know if I was just lucky or what, but oh my. Lucky or cursed. Hard to tell. I'm going to keep doing it and see what happens. Disappointing if it doesn't get any better. Or weird if you're like, I don't know what that was, and then you realize you have hollow bones. Every orgasm a new power to your out.

My side's gotten better. Oh, I can see a bit power My sights got better Oh I can see a bit further These got less impressive after the angel That's Angel who Look if we go in for PAO Angel's powers are On the somewhat more extreme version of the original 5Xmen but definitely not the most extreme

In fact I've changed my mind There's only one person who has like a more chill coming of powers than Angel. Jean, because she doesn't get any physical changes. Yeah, but then she can read minds. Which I would say is worse. No, but... If I say... Again, at point of orgasm, and you grow wings, neat, cool.

I mean, it's going to be... I like that you live in a world where suddenly growing wings is somehow more pleasant than being able to read people's minds well i mean does it hurt i mean is it like a rip like is it gonna tear my flesh what is it like i just think that it's more it's more immediately obvious that the two are related that's true if i came and then all of a sudden i could read minds i wouldn't put two and two together i don't know because if you're sitting in your bed and you're jerking off,

and then you suddenly can hear people's minds. Imagine I do it, and the first thing I hear is in my head someone being like, I bet Jackson's jerking off. But also, you've got to remember you're young, because this is first orgasm, so you don't know what to expect. This is the first time you've pleasured yourself. I think that if I could read minds after my first orgasm, I'd think it was a temporary thing that happened to everyone.

I'd be so worried then. Because I'd be like, must think always good thoughts. What if people around me have just had an orgasm and can read my thoughts? I think if I knew that people, that was a real life thing, I'd make sure I was thinking horrible things all the time. Like, maybe just like, just thinking about taking a big shit. Like,

all the time. A dog going inside out with its head coming out its own anus, but like on a loop. Yeah, like an Ouroboros. That's an Ouroboros dog is what I'm constantly thinking of. So it's like, yeah, yeah, you just come, enjoy. So, okay, so I think Angel, as a grade-wise, can we do this by John Hughes movies or something? What do you mean?

More like teen movies. It's a Ferris Bueller. It's a Ferris Bueller. It's a bit of a romp. Overall, not too bad. Yeah, alright. Sure, sure. It's a Ferris Bueller. Is the worst a breakfast club? This scale is going to be off, but that's fine. It sure is.

Don't let the listeners or each other in on this. We'll just grade how we feel. I guess we'll just say a John Hughes movie and all agree or somehow disagree. Exactly. Angel, Ferris agree or somehow disagree. Exactly. Angel Farrah's Bueller. Sure. Next.

All right, so Jean Grey. Jean Grey, before we get into her, it's time for a word from our sponsors. Or maybe not. Also, this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting an unpleasant quiz show called Big Deal. And if you don't go to our website, sanspansradio.com forward slash live right now and book tickets to it I'll be personally offended get on it now I would assume and I've always thought this that if I could suddenly read people's minds that they could read mine

I would assume it's a two way street I would never assume one way it gets bombarded as well I know that it's probably going to be pretty obvious but I want to just like point this out now from this point onwards we're going to assume it's PAO for every single character absolutely that's the greatest theory of mutant yep joel zammett jackson bailey and joel ducha uh mutant

anthropologists we've come to the conclusion that at the point of all first orgasm pafo pafo is when the power the The PAFO theory The PAFO phenomenon I'm imagining you guys getting the Nobel Prize For my idea And I've somehow been kicked out Well you called it PAO We called it PAFO and that's better Imagine all the

Like the Like the advertisements Or like the PSAs To be just like worried parents. Make sure that your child's first orgasm is in a comfortable position. A safe environment.

Because they might become a goo. They might poison you. Oh yeah, that's true. What if your power is like that kid that nukes everything around him that Wolverine had to kill? Or the guys that blow up the school in Civil War. Yeah, you don't want to ever come. had to kill. Or the guys that blow up the school in Civil War. Yeah.

You don't want to ever come. I do feel there may be a resurgence in abstinence. Yeah, absolutely. It's kind of the first time in the world that abstinence is... Like, masturbation is not a sin, but it's dangerous. We shouldn't. I just feel like, you know those anti-masturbation kind of things that used to do in the 60s, where there's those mittens you have to sew your kids into and shit like that? That.

All of that. Also, I'd just like to point out that a wet dream is still an orgasm. That's a good point. Ah, shit. I'm Jackson Bailey saying, don't jerk off. Hi, I'm Joel Duescher. I'm saying, come often. I'm saying, jerk off in a safe environment.

Jerk off in a tent. What? Maybe a desert? A tent in the desert. See, I feel this is going to then, if the patho theory, that picks up. You're going to have these weird semi-seedy kind of camps where you send off all your teens send your kid to have their first path somewhere in like the desert somewhere oh it's just unnerving and gross and i hate it you have to be like hey kids you horny yet and that's what you about to have a path

remember what uncle jackson says i'm a political figure not an actual uncle don't jerk off you dirty fucks and it's me pointing at it's a poster they put it in school and my poster is one me looking kind of confused off side the same reaction i had when i said my sentence which was jerk off in a tent and me being like don't worry we've set up camps. Then, oh no, that's not good. And then this face of like, oh, a book of shame. First come camps. The FCC. First come camps. Just me being like, just take me away.

Put me in jail? I feel like I deserve jail time for this. This feels wrong. I'll have a follow-up person that's like, at least mine wasn't a crime. None of this would happen if you didn't jerk off. All right, so Jean Grey. Psychic powers. Psychic powers.

The thing with psychic powers is... Telekinesis and telepathy, yeah? Yeah, okay, telekinesis. Telekinesis is weird because at point of orgasm, you might smash your windows. You start levitating. Yeah, it's going to be the exorcist. You're going to start levitating,

hearing people's minds, because you're going to be hearing your parents, any siblings, neighbours, a dog, whatever. Woof, woof! Why are dogs thinking woof? Could you agree with dogs' thoughts? I mean, I don't know. That rules.

And it's also the best to imagine dogs just thinking bark, bark, bark. Oh my god, they are literally never thinking anything. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. I can understand what these dogs are. Oh, dogs are just stupid. Dogs are not. I don't know.

Woof, woof, bark. They're not thinking anything. Woof, woof, bark. Hey, it did something different. Woof, woof, bark, bark, woof. Growl. Huh. How?

Huh. Dogs think the noises they make. Bark, bark, wolf Growl How? Dogs think the noises they make We are no closer to figuring out what dogs want That's an ex-campaign After the successful Paffo theory The three boys moved on to What do dogs want? Inspired by the Mel Gibson classic What do women want? We went by the Mel Gibson classic, What Do Women Want?

We went on a dog-based romantic journey. Why are yours always wrong? Dog romance and dog? Charles Abbott's off to jail again. That boy is in and out. I was just basing it off of Mel. Damn it. That's good.

We are no closer to understanding what dogs want than we ever have been. Good afternoon, America. Thank you for coming to this special live broadcast. Showing the scene of Lady and the Tramp with two dogs kissing. We don't know how factual this may or may not be. We have reason to believe no. Are we doing a presidential address? Hello, America.

We have some bad news. We read a dog's thoughts and all it thought was woof. All it thought was woof, woof, bark, growl. Growl. Oh, excuse me. Hi, John Zammett, Pretty Boy Times. Was it woofing, barking, and growling at the same time? Sir, this is a television broadcast

Thank you I really shouldn't be in here I'll just take off my press cap and leave Thank you, thank god I didn't have an answer To answer your question, sir I'm not afraid of these terrifying questions The dog appeared stationary

at the time of these thoughts. That would be more terrifying, I feel. Woof, woof, woof. But you're not barking. If the dog is there, just smiling and panting and his brain is, woof, woof, bark, growl. You're like, what? What do you mean, dog? Woof, woof,

woof. He's just staring at me. The dog still only comes to commands you would normally be able to give it. You can't communicate any better than that. Sit. Woof. Okay. Okay, roll over. Bark.

Oh, maybe it's different. Shake. Bark. No. No, I guess I was wrong. This dog, we just don't know what it wants. It's also funny if we just test it on one dog and then it turns out that that dog was just dumb. Hello, dog.

Yeah, what? A breakthrough. Hello, America. Our dog was just dumb. All right, look, we jumped the gun on this presidential broadcast. They allowed us to. Sorry, this dog right here Stupid as shit

A dumb dog Mark I'm a dog though Rude, yeah what Stop talking to me Either fucking get it out or fuck off Give me some wet meat Wet meat

Wet meat, wet meat, wet meat You guys are dumb as fuck Anyway, I'm getting out of here to go eat meat wet meat wet meat You guys are dumb as fuck Anyway I'm getting out of here to go eat some wet meat Even scarier if you're like hello dog And all the dog says is wet meat Wet meat wet meat wet meat wet meat Wet meat wet meat wet meat Wet meat wet meat wet meat

Also howling at the same time Wet meat wet meat wet meat Wet meat We gotta put this dog down. I like the monotone. I kind of almost want like, almost like begging for wet meat at all possible times. Wet meat.

Wet meat. But then you know what the dog wants. Yes. Wet meat, wet meat, wet meat, wet meat, wet meat, wet meat, wet meat, wet meat. Doing it for me, wet meat. He's not wet meat, wet meat, wet meat. Wet meat, wet meat, wet meat. Doing it from me, wet meat. He's not looking at me. The dog's just sitting still. Staring at a wall or something.

Sitting still with his mouth open. But he's thinking wet meat. Okay, so Jean Grey is scary. Imagine that's the loudest thought. Wet meat, wet meat, wet meat Is that my dog? Gross So yeah, the moment I come

And all I'm hearing is a dog screaming wet meat at me Not happy I was imagining it just somewhere else in the house Yeah, no, no good But like, not that I feel like there's no massive physical changes for Jean Grey It's all just mental It's all just kind of You may think you've just gone insane But, like, not that. I feel like there's no massive physical changes for Jean Grey. It's all just mental.

It's all just kind of... You may think you've just gone insane because you can't prove what... Unless you can. Initially, you can't prove what you're hearing is actually someone's thoughts. Yeah. This is just a plot of Carrie, except swap orgasm for period. Oh, yeah, that's true. This is Carrie. And telekinesis, but no telepathy.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, Carrie can't read people's minds. But it's basically the telekinesis, but no telepathy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Carrie can't read people's minds. But it's basically the same thing. They're going to laugh at you. They're going to laugh at you. Anyway.

Dirty pillows. Yeah. That movie rules. But, yeah, it's very similar. I guess what I keep thinking is that if it was going to, you know, Paffo, read minds know, Paffo read minds or Paffo become toad I just know what I'd choose

Oh yeah, become toad Come I'm slimy now Ass That's what I pray I think if after my first orgasm I turned into Toad

I'd be like This is a fitting punishment Yeah that's true This is how I feel As a teenage boy Just imagine like Yeah Toad just is a teenage

A teenage boy's Internal emotions Made flesh He's Toad Okay so angels Okay so yeah Alright so he's He's grown up

He's very like rich He's very rich. He's been probably praised as an only child. You're the best kid, and you're going to inherit your father's fortune. You deserve great things. And he comes and becomes more beautiful and fucking like an angel. He's like, yes, I am God's chosen one. Toad, though, is like, I am a piece of shit. This is how an orgasm feels. I'm being blunt. God hates me, how an orgasm feels. I'm being funny.

God hates me, but I don't care because I love it. It's good because, yeah, if Toad was thinking wet meat as well, I would have been shocked. Wet meat, wet meat, wet meat, wet meat, wet meat, wet meat. Wet meat, wet meat, wet meat. Big tongue. Big tongue, lapidola. Wet meat. So, lip, lip, lip, lip, lip, lip, lip, wet meat.

So, yeah, it just seems... It depends. If you were raised in, like, yeah, very religious Western society kind of thing, where, like, yeah, masturbation is a sin. Oh, just... The weird things that you would jump to, the conclusions you would jump to,

depending on your power. Like, I'm not... After my first orgasm, I felt like Toad. We all feel like Toad. You feel a bit slimy, a bit gross. Yeah, of course you did. Not me. I felt like Toad. If I'd become Toad, I would've been like... Toad's always found a new hobby.

It was like, ah, this is what I was put on Earth for. Oh, I understand this. Yes. I get it. Life has meaning. And I was like, what is wrong with me? And then, yeah, you become toad. I would be, like, fitting. Absolutely. I would just assume that that was going to happen to everyone.

Yeah. I'd be like, oh, wait till my friends get toaded up. But then I'd also assume that I'd just grow out of it. It's just a normal thing. You'd assume it's kind of like, oh, yes, I've become the post-orgasm toad boy. Now this will, like will go away, yeah? No. I just love ass now.

Imagine coming to school and everyone being like, Dusha had his pie for, Dusha had his pie for. That's me whipping them with my tongue. He's so powerful. He's doing whips and shit. With his slimy skin and beak tongue. I'm just going to rub rub against people Give them warts Yes

Okay so that's Jean Grey What Ferris Bueller movie John Hughes Sixteen Candles It's not great I'm gonna go Carrie I hate this Yes Carrie

John Hughes presents John Hughes presents Carrie I hate this. Yes, Carrie. John Hughes's Presents Carrie. Yes, that's my vote. John Hughes's Presents Carrie's Jean Grey. Yes. So, again, I don't think it's that terrible, but I think, like, in terms of mental stigma, I feel like it might, yeah, do some kind of fucked up things.

You'd easily become a goth. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's basically a gothh guarantee Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah But in terms of like Hardship Probably not too bad And again, it can easily separate It makes my helper out

In, you know, that kind of like Tumultuous time When you're going through puberty And finding out who your friendship groups are Oh, that's true What women want What women want She gets the power

But what everyone wants But what everyone wants In brackets including dogs Another bracket, wet meat So that's real great Yeah, that's good Alright, who else we got? Let's go with Iceman It's the power but what everyone wants. But what everyone wants in brackets including dogs, another bracket wet meat. So that's real great. Yeah, that's good. All right, who else we got?

Let's go with Iceman. So at the moment of orgasm, he becomes encased in ice and his semen goes real cold and maybe starts- Have anyone seen like, is it the Fugitive or whatever? Yeah. It's like a little terrible joke of like, I think it was an Eskimo jerking off or something, and he just gets ice cubes in a cup. Does he cum ice cubes in The Fugitive? That feels

fake, but also true. Was it The Fugitive? I just don't know. That doesn't sound like The Fugitive. The Fugitive, Harrison Ford's running on a train. What's that movie where... Why did you think... Hang on. Why did you think it was The Fugitive, Harrison Ford's running on a train. No way. What's that movie where... Why did you think... There's a Jehovah's Witness. Why did you think it was the fugitive? Because it was around that same time.

What time was that? When the fugitive was on TV, this was also on TV. Okay. So I guess the mid-90s. Mid-90s. When did the fugitive come out at the cinema? I think it was like 85, 86. Okay, yeah.

So there was a little boy. There was a Jehovah's Witness and he can't talk and he witnessed a crime. He might not have been a Jehovah's Witness. He might have just witnessed a crime. Oh, Mercury Rising? No, no. Not Mercury Rising. Because isn't there a little boy that

sees him? No, it's not Mercury Rising. It's something else. Is it Ashley Judd? Maybe Tommy Lee Jones? Maybe. US Marshals? This film has changed heaps, so I just can't believe anything. Well, Tommy Lee Jones is in The Fugitive.

Maybe it is The Fugitive. No, because Harrison Ford's in The Fugitive running from Tommy Lee Jones. I don't have my phone on me, so we'll never know. But this is my favorite segment of our podcast by far Which movie do they come Ice Cubes Is it the future He's making a joke So you don't see it

He's like how do Eskimos Have an orgasm How do Eskimos pee And he just kind of Throws some ice in a plastic cup It's not a good gag, but it's something that I remember. It should be a weird scene in The Fugitive.

It's set in a hospital, I can tell you that much. Fugitive set on a train. Anyway, Iceman. May or may not come and or pierce Ice Cube. Yes. As seen maybe in the fugitive In brackets probably not Orgasm gets you nice and sweaty

And hot Becoming frozen The opposite Explodes No because When you orgasm your heart starts racing But then it calms down It's very relaxing

That's what freezing to death is also like So When you orgasm, you're hostile as racing, but then it calms down. Like, it's very relaxing. That's what freezing to death is also like. So... You think you'd think you were dying again? No, I think, like, it would just make the post-orgasm, like, bliss way more intense. Yeah, that's true. I think I'd be scared as Iceman that I wouldn't know how to turn back. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Because he becomes encased in ice, yeah? Right? Did I make that up? Yeah, he becomes encased in ice yeah right what did i make that up he becomes encased in ice yeah it's got his phone out so i'm assuming you're looking i'm looking up this movie yes that means we get to come back to it oh yeah the witness is that what it's called that is a movie that is a true movie it did happen not as in like like as in the movie was made. The events were not true. Hey, Siri. Okay, Google. 2015?

That can't be right. Okay, Google. What's the movie where a man comes in ice cube? In brackets, potentially racist joke. Yeah, possible racist joke. Maybe the fugitive, but not. What movie? This is a great Jeopardy question. I'm looking up like, look,

it's like, Jehovah's Witness film, child can't talk, I don't remember it so far. This movie features a child learning a racist joke about Eskimo semen and it's not the fugitive for $200.

If you want to answer this Jeopardy question, email us at sanspinsradio at gmail.com and we'll be sure to reply to every single email or tweet zamit at goddammit zamit.

Is it just called Witness? Witness is an 80s film that stars maybe Tommy Lee Jones? No, it's a Harrison Ford film, I think. Yeah, you go Harrison Ford. A young Amish.

Amish boy. It is Witness. No, no. a Harrison Ford film, I think. Yeah, you go Harrison Ford. A young Amish boy. It is Witness. No, it's Amish. No, it's Witness. Oh, it's called Witness. Is that where you got Jehovah's Witness from? Yeah, yeah. Also, you meant to say, what is Witness? What is Witness?

I'm so sorry. It's got Harrison Ford. There we go. I'm not so stupid. That was good. A little bit stupid. Anyway, so Iceman Yeah, he becomes a snow

Well, he doesn't become encased in ice Because that's when he learns to control his power He's actually just more of a snowman Like he becomes encased in snow That is more confusing I'd be like, did I leave the window open? Did I leave the window open and cover myself in water Then suddenly become like snap cold?

Wait, so is it- Also, why am I not cold? Am I cold? Is it frozen or like literally like he's wearing a snowman? Literally like he's wearing a snowman. That's great. That would, I would assume curse then. I'd like have a post-orgasm bliss last longer.

Heart rate slows down. Yeah. Then all of a sudden it starts snowing on me basically. I'd be like oh no I don't know how long it would be until I noticed I was covered in snow can he see? I'd come and I'd close my eyes

oh my god I'm so weirdly cold now and then I'd open my eyes and I'd be covered in snow and I'd be like what happened here? are there eye holes? or would I be like I've gone blind that also depends on where I was if my point of first orgasm Pafo eye holes? Or would I be like, I've gone blind? That also depends on where I was, because if it was

my point of first orgasm, powers at first orgasm. Pafo. If my pafo occurred in summer in Australia, or even winter in Australia, if I was just in Australia and not on a mountain, I'd be like, something's wrong. Something's very wrong. He kind of...

Alright, so. I just want to know if he kind of looks Basically like a Sludge monster If it was made of ice The best thing about this Is that he's still Wearing boots Like what the fuck

Iceman Let's see Don't hog it You don't need to be Wearing boots So basically He looks like a Sludge monster

Covered in Like snow Disco sludge monster But he's wearing boots And hucking a snowball Yeah and he's got no face Yeah yeah So he presumably presumably not blind.

Imagine he did that in a fight. He's just like walking into a wall. Make yourself eye holes, Iceman. Fuck's sake. Fucking cold idiot. Would he at Pafo like drench his room in snow and ice is what I keep thinking. Maybe. Ruined sheets! Does he shoot

beams of ice? I can never remember. I mean, he can. Well, he doesn't shoot beams of ice. He controls... He kind of like, would then freeze the molecules in front of him so it looks like he's shooting beams of ice. What is this? Is it out of... So he doesn't have, like... Sorry, I just need to clarify one thing. He doesn't shoot, like,

the equivalent of, like like an optic blast from his hand that's ice no he would then he would um but does it look like that it would look like that but he's like altering

the molecule structure I think on point of uh powers after patho after patho yeah he like the room would just freeze

yeah I was gonna say do is it is it out of the realm of possibility that he would basically the room would become an ice block so you open the door and it's just ice and you're a frozen nude sun? I think it'd be more of a, like, less of an ice block

and more just like you've been snowed in but indoors in a house. Imagine being like tunneling through the snow to get to your son and he's got his dick in his hand. You're like, not that time! Bobby! Robert, what have you done? Bobbitt Hill. Bobbitt Hill.

Bobby Hill. Robert Drake. Bobby Hill. King of the Hill. Dad. Bobby. Bobby. Are you coming snowing there?

Dad. No one can do Bobby Hill except the woman that voices Bobby Hill. Bobby, have you been jerking off again, Bobby? This is bad for our propane business, Bobby. Can't sell propane. Pegs. Peg. Bobby's been jerking off in the rumpus room.

I always think that Hank Hill sounds like Hank Hill after he's just taken a Valium and he's about to go to sleep but you're like just after dude's Hank Hill is like just before he falls asleep Bobby Bobby

Bobby Bobby this is going to affect our our self-fulfillment that's a lot of Valium Bobby I'm about to fall asleep anyway 16 candles Maybe more of a home alone sitch Home alone 2 Lost in New York

Famously I think in terms of definitely a scale there For Bobby, it's a home alone 2 situation Can't argue with that Don't want to try Yeah, I think in terms of definitely a scale there, for Bobby, it's a Home Alone 2 situation. Okay. Can't argue with that. I don't want to try. Who else we got? Beast.

Beast. So, weirdly enough, like, as we all know him as his big, beautiful blue furball, he's not. His original powers, he just gets big hands and big feet. That rolls. He looks like a big foot. I feel, though, in that situation, at the moment of, like, payoff, patho. Patho. Patho. I don't know why it's hard for you guys.

The moment of patho. I just keep trying to say the full version rather than the... Power's that first orgasm. Yeah. At the moment of patho, I would just feel my dick got smaller. Oh, true. Oh. Or I'd be like, I went placid quick. Oh, I guess I drained it of size.

And then, how much bigger do they get? Are we talking twice the size? Like, I would say, yeah, twice the size. Jesus. He racks his shoes. He does. Actually, if he's wearing shoes, he'll notice. Yeah, that's true.

But no, very rarely wearing shoes. I mean, he might be. You might be now, but you're very first. Doubt it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chances are not.

You'd be in bed. He might be wearing socks, if anything. If he's wearing socks. Yeah, he'll explode out of them. Gloves, same thing.

Ah, yes, your famous first orgasm gloves. Well, again, if it's like- Everyone has a pair. Again,

if we're trying this whole anti-masturbatory kind of system that we've put in, if they've all knitted into his little gloves or whatever, and he has an orgasm. Wear Jackson Paley's anti-masturbation gloves. They'll shock you if you think about your genitals. The downside is when people try to pierce. Man, I really need to piss. That's right, I got these gloves on I better just take

These gloves off Wow that was easy Anyway I'm gonna go Jerk off now Heaps Immune population Senator Jackson We'll make him wear gloves

That electrocute them You're gonna become Like a crazy Like fucking John Kellogg's Esk person He's going like an Andy Eat the cereal It's cold and bad Or good for your libido In lowering it Like a crazy, like, fucking John Kellogg's-esque person. He's going like an anti-masturbation.

Eat this cereal! It's cold and bad or good for your libido in lowering it. Eat this cereal. Listen to my anti-masturbation tape. Everyone come out to the lake and do a laugh. Wear these weird underwear. Ah, John Kellogg. What a man.

Crazy son of a bitch. Stole his cereal from his brother. Sure did. I wish I had a brother to steal cereal from. I wish if Friday came up with a cereal, I wouldn't know it was good enough to steal. You know what I mean? I wouldn't look at a cereal and be like, money making venture. I'd be like, cereal.

How do you invent a new cereal? I have no idea. If I make like bran flakes, but put like mango in it, is that a new cereal? And you pour milk on it and be like, huh, is this new? Is that just bran flakes with mango? Will this stop the kids from coming? How do you make a new cereal? Is my neighborhood safe now?

I've got an existential crisis about that. Are there any new cereals? I mean, you're just putting one thing Crispix was the last new cereal. Putting one thing into another thing or on top of or next to a thing and putting that into a package, is that really inventing a new cereal?

I don't know. Hey, it's Special K with bits of strawberry. Is that a new cereal? Like six years ago, not six years ago, like three years ago when we were recording once, we put Maltesers and put some milk in some Maltesers and ate that like cereal because I thought that was funny. Was that a new cereal?

Did we invent a new cereal? Or was that just Maltesers and milk? I don't know what is... Alright, if you got say Nutri-Grain and then put Maltesers with that Nutri-Grain, then added milk, is that a new cereal? Or is it just a new Nutri-Grain? A new Nutri-Grain. Yeah added milk, is that a new cereal? Or is it just a new Nutri-Grain? New Nutri-Grain. Yeah, exactly.

And you. Stop it. Now I'm having a crisis. But then also, if new Nutri-Grain, that's a new cereal, surely. Yeah, it's just a new Nutri-Grain. But if there's a sequel to a film, it's still a new film. I guess. It's both. It's a new variety. But also,

if you reboot a film That's still a new film So this analogy doesn't work Because if you remade Nutri-Grain It's Nutri-Grain 2018 Baby Wait

I snack 2.0 Or whatever Or 2.0 That was That's a new spread That's a spread Spread lives by different laws

Does it? Yeah if I mashed up Ham Into a smooth spread, I was like, it's ham spread for your toast. That's a new spread. But if I put heaps of ham in milk, have I made ham cereal? What have I done?

Well, there's a definition of cereal that needs to be grain-based. Yeah, it needs to be a cereal. But a cereal, is it grain-based? No, because a cereal is a kind of plant. No. Yes. Wheat? Is that the plant you're looking for? No, grains and cereals. There are different varieties of cereal.

Okay, what about rice bubbles? I don't know. Are they rice? They're rice, as I assume, as cereal. Surely not, because there's only one rice... No, Coco Pops are also rice. Alright, if I get rice bubbles and then I cut up mango and put it in.

You've just made a new variety of rice bubbles. This is the Nutri-Grain question. I know, but the question is, okay, then I get the rice bubbles and there's a bit of dried mango and I take away the rice bubbles. Now it's just mango and milk. Mango and milk. What have I made? Is that a cereal? Yeah, if I get like a muesli,

but I take out everything but the dried bits of banana, have I got still that same muesli or just banana and milk? How good are banana chips? Oh, they're raw. Fuck yeah. So having big hands and feet. Yes, having big hands and feet. It's not too bad.

It's not too bad. But I would be like, I would just think I was sick. You know what I mean? I would just think maybe I became good at things. No, I think his hands and feet get too big for it to be, you'd know something, it would feel like a curse again. Yeah. Honey! And also because it gets worse, because that's the first time, if he jerks off again, then he turns blue?

Nah, he experimented himself like a dickhead. That's got nothing to do with mutant powers. Oh, wait. He's just a dumb fuck. I just realized, yeah, so what happens in first class? Oh, he becomes real smart. Yeah, that's right. He becomes a genius. Oh, so he'd be like, oh god, I'm cursed. Wait, no, I know the answer to this.

I would chop his hands and feet off. Honey! Fetch me my axe! The boy's hands and feet have become big. I've got a bad boy, but hands and feet. I've got an ape boy, but hands and feet.

We've got an ape boy. Honey, what do you mean by a bat boy? Nanny! Ha! Ha! Ha! Right-o, dear, I'm coming. I've got an ape boy. Then we chop off his hands and feet. Wary hand is a good luck charm.

But then, is it like Angel and they grow back? Damn it. Tricky Dan. See, there's a boy that could eat his hands and be fine. That's true. He'd be so desired. Would he get the madness? Oh, yeah.

No, but he's eating beast hands, not human hands. Oh, yes. I feel like he'd get it quicker. Well, there's more meat to consume. He sure is. But in terms of like, he probably doesn't have it too bad To be honest I mean like he's got

He's become super smart Because he's really smart Yeah Now he's like Oh I know what's going on I got giant hands Not smart enough to fucking nail an experiment Am I right everyone?

You're damn right Oh yeah that's right Because his mutant powers Are hands and feet But then when he experiments himself He enhances the gene Yeah yeah yeah And then he does it again

And becomes a cat Yeah Yeah yeah yeah, yeah. And then he does it again and becomes a cat, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it happens again, he becomes even worse. He just keeps doing it. Based. Hank, stop it. Chill out. Yeah.

So in terms of, I don't know if that's that bad. It's kind of harmless, weirdly. Because if you become smart, then you can kind of like, oh, it becomes, oh. It's almost like a flower for Algernon kind of thing going on. What? Like, he becomes too clever and he realizes. He becomes too clever at, like, 13.

Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Cleverer than all of his classmates. Yeah. Yeah, that's rough. Yeah, that's rough. That's rough. But, like, pretty quickly he goes to the school, so.

I mean, that's true, but I reckon this is definitely, like, at least a breakfast club. But also he'd be at least a breakfast club. Famously the worst one. I was going to say gross but smart Ghostbusters. Did he write Ghostbusters? I maybe. No, no, no, no, no, he didn't. No, I don't think so.

Harold. No, no, no, no, no. Harold and Kumar. They returned from White Castle, wrote Ghostbusters, and then went to Guantanamo Bay. And then Christmas Vacation or something. That's an intense movie franchise. I think it's really bad, because think about it.

He'd be one of the outcasts. Yeah, he would. I would laugh at him. Hey, big limb extensions. I would be laughing at him. Hey, there's that idiot kid that can't insult the weird kid. Let's get him.

Damn it. Hey, it's that bully that's dumb as shit. Hey, dumb fuck. What's up? It's that dumb fuck brain. It's barely the bully that's dumb as shit. At your point of first orgasm you just become a dumb shit oh that thought

oh no I was a genius my mutant power is that I'm dumb as shit it's the opposite my hands got small and my feet got small got small My feet got small My hands and feet got small

Wait no they're the same size I'm just misremembering I'm just looking at them from far away You go to stand up out of your bed To sort everything out Your pants around your ankles you fall over Your parents walk in Us just there

Mum and dad I'm dumb as shit, I'm dumb as shit now. I'm dumb as shit and covered in my own filth. Oh, no. And then you do a big fart. Time to go to school and insult the weird kids. Hey, he's cold on his body. You are. Oh, my God, it's Jackson Bailey, the bully that's dumb as shit.

School's dumb as fuck. Let's get him. Oh, man. Jean Grey reads your mind and is like... Wet meat, wet meat, wet meat. I think Beast has it rough. He does, but it could be worse. It could be worse.

Weirdly, I think the worst person of this, the original X-Men, got to be Scott Summers. Because at the moment of all this, he gets, well, not blind, just laser beams come out of his eyes that will knock down the wall and won't stop until he closes his eyes. And then he'll open his eyes again. And at that moment, more red beams.

And what's awful is, so his vision's red, right? So he wouldn't know he was making a laser. So he opens his eyes, and he's just like, whoa! And he turns his head. It's not until he turns back that he realises what has happened. Exactly. He's just like, my vision's gone weird. Whoa! That's his house in awe.

Yeah, yeah. And clearly, I think also the force pushing the laser beam out must be like, snapping your neck back, so that's going to get a bit of whiplash. Imagine you're standing up, right? That happens. The force of that tilts your head back.

Now you're on the floor going like... Kind of like a... Like a breakdancer. Just spitting around. Scott Thomas should have massive neck muscles, basically. While your laser beam just pushes you around the floor while you're causing more and more destruction.

Dig out! While your dick's out! This is weird science, right? Oh yeah, this is weird science. I'd be scared to look at my body in case... Can he... If he looks at his dick... Okay, okay, okay, good. But I wouldn't know that. I wouldn't know that. Yeah, him and

Alex, his brother, they're immune to each other's powers. Oh. Meant to be. I would be like, don't look at my junk. I would zip it up without even paying attention. Does he just shut his eyes? Yeah. For like, until Xavier comes along or-

How long a period of time is that? A while, and they give him ruby quartz glasses. Yeah, but like, that's a long time to have your eyes shut at the risk of destroying people around you. When you wake up sometimes... You're just like... Yeah, if you have a bad dream especially. Whoa!

And then your dreams are bad, but your awake is worse. That's why he's just got to face down always with his eyes open. Is there anything a human body does that's an opposite of a sneeze where your eyes have to be open? I don't think so There are no opposite sneezes What happens when you yawn? No, they close

Yeah, they close A hiccup? What happens there? Oh, yawn Yeah, you made us all yawn That's good I hope that made the listeners yawn too Because we're keeping it in

Yeah, guaranteed Four Yeah, I think But Douche is right The moment you wake up You're like And your eyes are open Roof you on two because we're keeping it in. Yeah, guaranteed. Yeah, I think, but Douche is right. The moment you wake up, you're like and your eyes are open. Roof. Gone. Rained on. What's happening? I don't know. And then like

you open your eyes and then whoever's like looking at you. Yeah, they're gone. You're killing a lot of people. Is it a concussive plaster? Sure is. Kinetic, I think. So they're dead. So it's like getting hit by a ram. I would just maybe- Okay, yeah, so they might survive. They might survive, but like-

Broken ribs. Broken ribs, at least. They would flee you right away. Internally leading. You're pushing them away. Yeah. Because it can blast through a wall, so- Hey, does it stop?

If you look up at space, what happens? Uh-oh. What if he looks at the moon? What if he- Wait. Damn. Yeah, that's what I was saying. What happens? Uh-oh. What if he looks at the moon? Wait. Down. Yeah, that's what I was saying. My immediate reaction would be to dive at the floor and look down.

Yeah. And maybe just destroy you. Maybe dunk my head in the ocean. Surely, I think if you shot down, it would only go so far. Because surely it's got a limited kinetic. Yeah. Because, yeah. Surely there's a range, right? Yeah, there has to like you know it would dissipate if you shut up straight yeah like

initially if you're like right up to his face and then he opens his eyes you're dead yeah yeah like if you're several feet away it's like not that okay he uses it on it's kind of like a shotgun i guess yeah you know what i mean like up close bad but like further away a bit of buckshot yeah yeah, yeah Let's experiment with this You guys shoot with a shotgun I'll stand far away, see if it hurts I'll go up close

I'll be that test But yeah, definitely a weird science Yeah, yeah I put that weird science It's maybe the worst Yeah Which I guess was weird science You know, ratings

It's a weird science, but a breakfast club Yeah, it's a breakfast club, weird science Didn't know, ratings. It's a weird science, but a breakfast club. Yeah, it's a breakfast club, weird science. Didn't know we could mix them. Cool. Carrie's in there. Cool.

So is Ghostbusters. What? Maybe. Ghostbusters could have been made by John. At least that you thought it was. You know Carrie wasn't.

Stephen King wrote that. Yeah. You go with the book, not the movie. Okay, so John Hughes produces a book written by Stephen King. All right. Yes. All right.

We've all learned some things today. Mostly that Cyclops had it rough. So in terms of them, I think Cyclops probably had it rough, followed by, I reckon, Jean Grey getting someone screaming wet meat. Yeah, it's pretty rough. Who had it the best? Angel, I guess. Angel.

Jackson Bailey scores in the middle somewhere. He's dumb as shit now. But I'm so dumb I don't know. No, I do. I think you're so dumb that you do know, but you're frustrated because you can't do anything about it. No, it's the end of Flowers of Algernon. He's happy as shit. Hey, fella with the eyes that are always closed,

have a look at something. Why don't you? Oh, that hurt. I see why you had your eyes shut now. Why don't you look at me while I bully you? My guts. Oh, the things that are in me, they hurt. I wish my baffo hadn't made me dumb as shit.

I still understand the concept of a baffo. That's all right. That's good. Maybe you're not that dumb after all. It's all the Senator Jackson posters around the school. I don't know what it means. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've also been Joel. Wet mate. Wet Joel. Wet mate. Wet mate. Wet mate. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio. Or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13.

I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Goodnight for now. But not forever.

Kisses.