Plumbing the Death Star - Which Pokemon Would Win Best in Show

Episode Date: May 27, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Which Pokemon Would Win Best in Show?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, spay and neuter your pets this afternoon. Hey Slam Dogs, were you awash with grief when the Plumbing Boys left the UK because you thought maybe we'd never return? Well wipe away those tears, idiot, because Plumbing the Death Star is returning to the British Isles for the Plumbing the Death Star Get Posh 2018 Tour. We're starting our tour in Edinburgh, where we'll be doing four shows over two weeks for Edinburgh Fringe and then we're heading off to tour the country properly. So head to sandspansradio.com forward slash live to grab your tickets now. Glasgow is already sold out so you better

fucking hurry because who knows how long till the rest are. London 8s have not been announced but will be eventually. Hurry up you anuses. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like which pokemon would win best in show lick your tongue lick your tongue why lick your tongue no why not lick your tongue is the question

no first we should figure out what is required for a dog show, other than, obviously, in the rules, we find the be a dog bit and we rub it out. We strike a line for that. I believe there's nothing in here that says it doesn't have to be a dog. Airbud rule this. There's something good about using the Airbud defense on a thing that's already about.

The one thing Airbud could be in. We're saying, in actually in this instance air bud frankly could not so from shows i've seen that involve dog shows the things that happen in a dog show is you do a parade with them yep you do a parade i know that much show off yep i don't know something's their walk yeah sure because they you have to have a purebred dog, so maybe the walk's like, see, it's purebred but not too much. That's true. It can still walk.

It's not crawling on the ground like a slug. It's the best. Then there's like an obstacle course. Yeah, there's obstacle course. There's also like willpower. Yeah. So it's like put a treat next to like things. That's true.

And, you know, that great one of this Labrador Just trying to do his best Where it's like get to the end But he's like I'll do my Oh put this treat to the side So guess what I'm doing That is a good dog So it's temptation

The last temptation of dog And then there's one where I don't know what is being judged. Is that the one where they look at the teeth? Are they on like a pedestal and the judge gives them a big old feel-up? Yeah. Grab them by the go now. It's like, huh!

Does the judge actually grab the dog by the testicles? I don't know. My reference to this is Futurama where they grab Zoidberg by the, huh! My reference to this is, I think it's like a mockumentary called Best in Show. Well, with this one... Yes, yes. Cass doing some research. Is there a part about grabbing the testicles of the dog?

Well, I'm on step one of the WikiHow article. But to be eligible to participate, purebred dogs over six months old that have not been spayed or neutered. So that's somewhat important, I guess. You've got to give it a feel. Can we also add talent show? Yeah, I think that's a thing where you're like, my dog. Yeah? Yeah.

I think we can add it. I mean, if we're talking about dogs that are not dogs, we could talk about talents that aren't. I feel talent show is pretty good. Yeah. Swimsuit? I don't know if there's a swimsuit section. I think maybe there should be.

Oh, I feel like in Pokemon. I think they should be. Yeah, well, there's that. Within newer games, they have those things where you can put them in costumes. That's true. So maybe it's not swimsuit, but just misc suit competition. All right, misc slash swimsuit. Yes.

Is there a section in the new games where you can actually do a dog show? I think there actually is. Oh. Yeah. You're right. It's like a new area you go to and you're like, hey, that's right. Yeah. You've got different competitions.

There's like the cool competition, the cute competition, the smart competition. Yeah. It's like the worst part of the games. I don't know why anyone would do it. Because of the good flowers you can put on your Pokemon. You don't even get anything good. You win one and it's like, have a ribbon. You know how good that ribbon is?

No good. It's the glory. You are doing it for the fame. We're doing this for the fame, the glory, and that ribbon. I think these aren't quite the same thing. It's more like you go in and you use one of the moves yeah like it's really specific you build things up i think it does something to do with stats which i just oh god i don't have the time for oh i'm too busy choosing my own outfit in pokemon the new ones every time i play pokemon i get to the elite four and then i'm like this game is hard and i don't want to grind and then i stop playing so i've done that for like the last

three generations i have a patent hey if it's not broke don't feel yeah exactly hey it's working ah you're still buying them yeah exactly wow having fun yeah right to a point um parade we're parading licky tongue i'm gonna write write. Let me write down the categories just so we remember because we said like eight. And also as well, in standard dog shows, they usually split them up into different categories for it. So they'll have like, I don't know, toy dogs, big dogs, I think. No, it's all just Pokemon, Cass. Okay, so every Pokemon is equal?

It's all in the same category. That's a struggle because some are just worms, but I guess that's how it's going to be. So it was parade, obstacle course. Willpower challenge. Willpower, that's right. Gonad feeling. Gonad.

I'm just going to write down gonads. Sure. And then talent. Talent comp. And then costume. Costume. All right. Lick a tongue in then costume. Costume. All right. Lickitung in a parade.

How do we feel? Walks like a man a bit, but kind of like an idiot. Kind of a little drunkard. I got a picture of Lickitung up. Kind of he waddles like a penguin, but if a penguin had had too much schnapps. Yeah. Maybe it's a bit, though, because could you use his tongue as a lead? Yes.

But also... Look at him. What a champ. What a cute boy. He's just... His guts below his knees. His guts below his knees. I do like his ringed kneecaps. Yeah, that is weird. I also like that his hands have no fingers but one spike where a thumb would go. Just to kind of...

That's so weird. That doesn't work as a thumb. go just to kind of you need that's so weird that doesn't work as a thumb what is when it comes to breeding um animals and dogs especially in our world you know we just like fuck them up yeah so for a licky tongue purebred is his tongue gonna be even bigger gargantuan where does it scarf oh yes absolutely yes yeah so i guess so we're just like so what we're doing here is we're not just getting the breed of Pokemon, but we're like pure breeding this Pokemon. We're like mating the granddad with the granddaughter or some weird fucking thing. However they make dogs wrong.

I don't know. God, they make dogs so wrong. We used to have Corgis growing up. Aw. They were adorable. And we had one Corgi who was the best, and we had another Corgi who was the worst. Yeah. She was the best. And we had another corgi who was the worst. Yeah.

She was an idiot. But, like, her mum was mated with her great-granddad. Oh, boy. Lineage kind of thing. And because, like, that's how you keep it pure. And she was stupid. She was the dumbest. Wow.

That seems like such a weird way to keep it pure. Like, I get breeding brothers and sisters. But, like, I do. Because you're like, whatever. It just seems like a weird extra step to involve the grandpa. Maybe it's because. So, I read somewhere that old man's sperm is more likely to cause mutations than young man's sperm in a baby. So, maybe it's because the old man dog sperm will cause...

But you don't want mutations. Yeah, that's true. I remember reading a very weird news article. Sorry for the tangent. That's right. That's where they got a budgie tangent. But go on. Yeah, cool.

Where it was like, the reason we're not evolving is because old men aren't getting their fuck on. So it was like, old men gotta fuck, then everybody mutates. Everybody get a third dick. That was literally the contention of the article. Old men fuck, get a third thumb. Yeah, basically. Did you say get a third dick before? Felt like I heard dick too. Maybe I said third thing and then I reclassified say get a third dick before? Yeah, I felt like I heard dick too.

Maybe I said third thing and then I reclassified that as a third thing. And we were just talking about dicks, were we? No, not really. We just had dicks on the brain, I guess. Yeah, yeah. But budgies, I know that when you're breeding budgies and you put them in like best of show or take them to a show thing, because you picture a budgie, like a budgerigar your mind. And they're kind of like, they look kind of

normal. What we know. But the ones that are meant to be like in shows are fucked up. Like they have giant weird heads. And they're like this kind of weird booth kind of shape. And they just don't look right. I think I actually have seen a budgie that looks like that.

Alright, so let's imagine, let's get this look at Tongue and exaggerate it. Gargantuan tongue. To the point where it's either draped over the top of the Lickitung's head or dragging behind it. Yeah, it has to be a scarf. Wrapped around the neck. It'd be like wrapped around the neck and then placed ever so gently

around its tail. Yeah. Laying on top. Tiny eyes. His eyes were already pretty little. Make them smaller and fat as hell. Do you know what? He'd be so fat. I reckon as well, you'd want a smaller mouth to accentuate the tongue. Ah, true, true.

You gotta think fucked. To the point where the Lickitung actually physically at this point can't get... I don't know if the Lickitung can get his tongue inside his body now. No. But this Lickitung definitely can't. This Lickitung, you have to feed it by dropper. Yeah, absolutely. And this is like part of the show prep is making sure its

tongue's moisturised. Yeah. Before it goes out there, you give it a big long spray. And then you're sitting there with the spray bottles every time again, misting its tongue. Yep. And it's... That's really sad, because it's, like, they say, they don't just make noises

It would be like Hang on Okay small mouth Yeah You guys get your gag reflex When you do that Yeah that's weird Why'd that happen

That's not The body is a mystery We did something That we are not meant to do why was like stop okay so from our knowledge of small mouth big tongue we know that this leaky tongue is going to be vomiting a lot i gotta get it through the parade before it throws up yep so tiny beady eyes and i reckon you're going to accentuate that big thumb spike yeah it's going to make it be a massive thumb spike and i reckon as well because it's got to be a massive thumb spike. And I reckon as well,

because it's got that sort of squat waddle thing going on, its belly's got to be real low to the ground. Yes. And like its knees are wrong. Like maybe if you get it to the point where, I reckon, we'll get the leaky tongue to the point where when it's born, it has to have surgery to have parts of its gag reflex muscles removed. Yeah.

So it doesn't vomit. And then they can't live past a certain age just because of all the knee diseases. Not diseases. Their knees collapse. The bone structure is a mess. You know when they're testing cars to see how low to the ground they are with a ruler? I feel that's going to happen

with Lickitung. To be like a ruler just to see how much his belly is off the ground. I think the odd one is going to be like less than a centimetre. But it can't be touched. If it is off the ground. Yeah. I think the odd one is going to be, like, less than a centimetre. But it can't be touching. But it can't be touching the ground. If it's touching the ground, gross. That's a disgusting beast.

Immediately, I'll go. They'll look at the undercarriage of a, like, a Lickitung just to make sure it's not dirty. It's like, oh, that's been touching the ground. That's true. Scotchgard that Lickitung's belly so that you can cheat. But, of course, I'm not cheating. So, parade, what would we give me score wise?

Like parade, I think it's going to be hard for him to waddle around and not hit that belly on the floor. That's true. But like it's going to be good. Like I think I would like to see that. I would like to see this gross leaky tongue being missed. A heinous creature. If we're considering like, you know, giving all these Pokemon the benefit of the doubt that we've made them right in the wrong way,

so they're going to do their best, I think it would depend on the judge because it is so wobbly and wavy. That's true. Some might interpret it as a signature walk, as one would a supermodel. Yeah, absolutely. But I think it's not going to win all the judges over.

Let's give it out of A, B, C, like a class grade. Oh. Yeah. Out of the three options of A, B or C. Yeah, I did say out of, which is a weird, yeah. We'll grade it. All right, yeah, let's grade it. What do we reckon?

I think, look, I'll take a B. I think a B, yep. All right, what about the obstacle course? An F? Yeah. Yep. If they're all doing the same obstacle course, we don't even need to talk about that.

That's just a guaranteed F because an obstacle course that say, like a fucking, what's the mongoose one? I was going to call it an edgoose, but that's not what it's called. Zigazoon, whatever that guy. But there's a mongoose one i was gonna call it an ed goose but that's not what it's called zigazoon whatever that guy but there's a mongoose one i'm sure maybe it's called oh the pokemon zigzagoon or something is there not one that's got oos in the name oh yeah there would be okay maybe the evolution of it yeah we'll stick with zigazoon is it zig zagzoon uh let's say zigazoon uh yeah if there's a course designed

for a zig-a-zoon uh which is like a little ferret boy lick a tongue is just gonna destroy that course so yeah look willpower i think that's an a plus yeah because again it's gonna be like you're gonna have treats there it it's never eaten food yeah it can only drink through a dropper so yeah it's not gonna a know it's food and then if it does get food, how can it, you know, do anything? And also just I assume it's sort of so brain dead that I could put like a little biscuit on its head and it might just not know. Yeah.

And I reckon with all the training that you'd have to do with it to make sure that it's standing still for when its tongue gets moistened every day and like realigning its hips in the morning, it would be very used to just... That's so sad. ...copying it. Yeah, I'll take an A-plus for the willpower. And it was Zigzagoon.

Yeah, oh, good, good. Well done. What did I call it? That was what you called it. No, I think I called it Zigazoon. Zigzagoon? Zigzag. Zigzagoon.

It's not as cute as I remember. It's got weird beady eyes. It has an insect sizeom? Zig-zag. Zig-a-goon. It's not as cute as I remember. It's got weird beady eyes. It has an insect size, the zig-zag-zoom. Zig-a-zag-goon. It's cuter in pixels. Yeah, it's heaps cuter in pixels. We were looking at the cartoon. Yeah, the cartoon gives it insect eyes.

All right, gonads. Gonads. You're going to have to get underneath. Yeah, I'm looking at this Lick of tongue I feel what's gonna happen though Cause tongue The gonad The gonad squeeze

Is gonna be hard To do Because what's gonna happen is His tongue Or her tongue Is wrapped around its neck Yeah It's resting on the tail

It's all big and fat And stubby All the liquid That is being like Not swallowed Yeah Is gonna drip on the tail And probably down its body.

It's going to be like dripping off its gonads. And I just feel that's not going to feel great for anybody. And I just also don't know where the gonads are. Because you're going to have to lift up the tail. And of course, you know, being a licky tongue carer, you're probably not going to spend too much time on the undercarriage of a licky tongue. It just might be one of those things you're going to forget about.

Yeah. And the moment it's like the gonad squeeze, you're like, oh my God, I forgot about the undercarriage of a Lickitung, it just might be one of those things you're going to forget about. And the moment it's like the gonad squeeze, you're like, oh, my God, I forgot about the undercarriage. And the undercarriage of that Lickitung is going to be fucking disgusting. Well, I don't know. Like, I mean, Pokemon is a kid's game. Yeah. And they just, like, secretly lay eggs when you put them in daycare.

Yeah. Did Pokemon have external genitalia? I mean, Laky tongue does look like one if you poked his belly his cock would flop yeah that's what i keep thinking like a lizard like if you poked his stomach yeah out pop the gonads have you guys done that not to a lizard but i know it can be done oh my gosh you poke a lizard's belly i think it happens with like rabbits and stuff as well you give them a little jab in the belly and their dick's like that's how you check if they're a boy or a girl i think i'm not over a great high school prank

we had a we had a snake yeah um and we were always just calling him cracky calling cracky him yeah um but yeah we were like oh we don't know if it's a boy or a girl and then they're like oh we can go and check that but it's not comfortable for the snake to snakes don't really have a belly to poke it's like they're either all belly or no belly so we just never got it done because yeah it was described as something that wouldn't be pleasant we're like well it's not worth it we still love it. You've got to do the ridges or something near where it's thing is and so yeah you've got to poke that a bit. And then if it's a boy, two dicks flop out.

What? Yeah. Yeah, snakes got two wanguses. Yeah. Yeah. Nature's crazy. Nature's fucked. So gonads, what, an F?

I reckon just like a C. Yeah, I'll take a C. Like, he'll be like, the gonads are here, but I hated finding... That's just the problems of licky tongues, especially an inbred one. Did we do the rest of the body inspection? Oh, no, we didn't really. Was it just gonads?

He just wrote down gonads. Well, because I think the rest of it, like, if you can get the mouth small and the tongue big... Yeah, that's true. I reckon that would be... And, like, providing the, like, the under. See, I thought undercarriage was just, like, anything underneath, but apparently it has just genitals. If its belly is not dirty and it's very clean and not.

Imagine cleaning the undercarriage of that leaky tongue. You have to lift up its belly, scrub it with a toothbrush. I don't know why. But you want to because you believe. You know dog people and dog toys are like, this is good. That's what it feels like when you're hosing it down with the finest shampoos.

Well, let's say then a C... I reckon a C. What about a C slash like a B plus for... Why don't we just give it an average to a B? Then B minus. Yeah, let's average that to a B minus. B minus. Because it's going to be like, it's great all,

but then the gonads squeeze, like, I've made a mistake. I just can't imagine any Pokemon having Jenna. Well, imagine it, Cass, because it's a category. No. I don't... I'm trying to remember what was between gonads and cost. Talent competition. I have not written talent.

I've written tubest. That just doesn't say talent in any sense of the word. There's an S in there. Okay, tubest, as in playing the tuba. You know what? That's much better. Cross out talent competition, tubest competition. So how good is Licky Tongue at playing the tuba?

There can't be a mouth closing. Yeah, that's true. You just shoved the tuba into the little hole made by its mouth. Can you move his tongue to the side and play the tuba? No. It's not going to have a good seal. Or could he use his tongue to... It was all about the breath.

Yeah, no, Lick lick a tongue, man. He is out of breath at all times. How do you need to put the tuber? You've got to form a seal with your lips, and then do you have to use it? Your personal lips, yeah. I mean, he's lost it at step one. Yes, he definitely has.

I feel like if a tongue even gets the tuber in there and blows, he dies, because that's all his hair. Do you need a tongue? Is there a tongue movement for the tuber? I don't think so. Your tongue doesn't touch any part of your mouth when you do it. So you just need to have like lung capacity. Yeah.

All right. Licky tongue's lost. That's enough. Yeah. Sorry, licky tongue. Costume. Costume. A plus.

Yes. I reckon you could do such wonderful things with, yes, A+. Imagine dressing up Lickitung like a big strawberry. That's what I keep imagining. Cute ass. You could put like a little hat on him. He would look great in a simple little hat. I was imagining a straw hat.

Like a straw boater would be quite nice on Lickitung. And you could totally dress it so that you accentuate its belly fat. So you could dress it to show off its parts. I would dress up Lickitung like a mayor. You know what I mean? Yeah. You could dress it so that you accentuate its belly fat, so you could dress it to show off its parts. I would dress up Lickitung like a mayor. You know what I mean? Yeah. I would put Lickitung in giant... Oh, no, hang on.

We're wanting small eyes, aren't we? Yeah. Okay, we could... Costume-y, including makeup, because Lickitung looks like he doesn't have fur, which means he'd be very able to be contoured. Yeah, that's true. But big.

But, yeah, I reckon contourable. For me, and we discussed this in a. But yeah, I reckon contourable. For me, and we discussed this in a previous Pokemon episode, but every Pokemon like Lickitung, I imagine having really short fur, kind of like a chia pet. Or like fake turf. Or, you know those cheap toys you get that kind of feel furry, but it's like super short fur.

That's what I imagine Lickitung feeling like. But I don't think he does. I think he's like amphibian, like a frog. But, yeah. Anyway, yes, you can probably, that aside, you can probably contour him pretty good. So, are we giving him an A plus? Yeah. So, just doing a quick math there. So, just doing a quick math there.

He did so well, but unfortunately he just failed outright and got like basically zero for two categories. So, all up, he's only got basically 58%. We'll round that up to 60%. So, we're looking at a C here. Okay. Let's get a C. God. That's not too bad.

It's not too bad. Yeah. Could be worse. I'll take a C because you guys might fail monumentally Exactly Well I'm going to choose Weepinbell Oh

Okay So we want those leaves So that's That's like the second evolution Yeah Of What's its name? Blah blah blah blah

Bellsprout I went as Bellsprout to muck up day in high school Hell yeah I had a big paper I bought all this bodysuit brown stuff I had to hand dye things and then made giant leaf arms That's fucking awesome

You champion God I was cool Bellsprout too Not like I'm Pikachu or I'm Charizard No I'm Bellsprout too. Not like, oh, I'm Pikachu or I'm Charizard. No, I'm Bellsprout. Well done. Everyone's favourite Pokemon. Hey, guys, mock-up day is about to get crazy.

Well, so let's see. Well, those leaves are going to be giant and flappy. And they've got to be like... And maybe even kill down a bit. That's exactly what I was thinking. Like, they're so big it's an inconvenience, so they're no longer functional. What about this as an idea it like a second much smaller pair has begun to develop

yeah like pear no no another pair of leaves or just a pair i thought you because you only said second pair i was like you think weepinbell's a pair i'm like i guess it looks a little bit there's a bit like a pear with a mouth. But no, okay, she's got one, like those big, fluffy leaves, but maybe some like vestigial shitty leaves. Yeah, yeah. Sort of like underneath it. Growing out sort of the side a bit wrong.

Or do we go real fucked and we try and make it like multi sort of like flourishes of leaves, multicoloured, trying to make it like an autumn look? Well, there are things we need to consider. So if we're thinking that weepinbell's a plant, it does have the stem. Now, if you dip the stem into ink, that's true, you can start colouring different parts.

Oh, boy, yes. But that's not really, I don't think dog shows really do that. No, you're not hair colouring. No. It's just about breeding. And if it's their arms as well, do you want them to have vestigial yeah so i think at least we're gonna have to have you know like big oh yeah they're too big too big it's a hassle and over like little floppy doggy is yeah maybe a second pair as jackson was saying yeah sort of like growing around yeah yeah yeah

i think the stalk should be like like, really firm near the base, but then maybe curl around, like a pug's tail. Oh, yeah. I was even thinking, like, curl down like a pug's tail, or, like, almost docked, so it's like a little nub. Oh. Okay. Yeah.

That is... Do we want the stem, or do we think the stem is gross and we hate it? What happens in dog shows? Can you have a stubbed tail? Do they want that with any dog? Or is that, like like a farm thing? I'm not talking about docking a tail. But with corgis, yes.

Because again, we had corgis and you got them docked. So I'm just wondering, do we want that docked? Maybe it's a choice with your weepinbell. You can either be like, oh, I'll let it grow or I'll get the sort of shortened one, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I reckon we'll have like a stub-stemmed Weepinbell.

Yeah, that seems the most cruel and like a dog show. Okay, the freckles on the head. Yeah, we need more. You want them to be circular. Yes, yes, absolutely. Because they look a bit like sunspots. Yeah. But you want them to be really well formed.

Yeah, absolutely. And many, are we thinking many? You want like a giant ring of them. How about this, right? Like a giant ring. Yeah. With like a one in the center. Kind of like a nucleus.

That's hard to breed. It is hard to breed. So it's going to be a lot of fuck things first. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's good. Yeah. If we can breed that, especially because you have to go through Bellsprout first.

Oh, yeah. That's true. We're going to fuck up Bellsprout a lot. Yeah. Okay. Now we finally, well, the eyes. Let's do the eyes. More human life.

Yes. Because I want them with lashes. Yeah. I want them blinking. I want eyebrows. Well, Ivysaur is like the sort of end goal, I guess. Yeah. And their eyes are a bit closed.

So we want them like a bit shut. So it's like, oh, they're very mature. How about, hear me out here, is, yes, a little bit half closed, but eyelashes, leaves. Oh. I think that's doable. I'm sad it's not quite as hideous as it could be, frankly. Although we have yet to get to the big DSL, so, like,

let's talk about them lips. Yeah, right. It's the one lip. It's the one lip. I want it to kind of go, like, kind of hourglass shape. So it goes in and out. And I want them big lips. I want, like, the lips bigger, like, almost, like, twice the size of this Weepinbell.

Yeah, I mean, that is... That's what you want. You want them fuck lips. That is grotesque. Yeah, I mean, that is... That's what you want. You want them fuck lips. That is grotesque. Yeah, that's pretty awful. Yeah, so bell sprouts need to have, like, big droopy lips to evolve into this. You kind of want, like, the bell sprouts

to have a lot of slack in their lip. So pretty much we've just formed the sweeping bell after, like, what all those birds look like when people are like, oh, it's thrice divorced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Mm, yeah, yeah. That's right. Mm. Gross.

Gross. Yeah. Okay. Categories. Let's go. So we got parade. Count it, walk. It floats.

Yeah. It floats. I think so. I think a weeping bell floats. How else is it getting around? Just being dragged. Jumping. I thought they sort of.

Maybe. Let's assume they jump. Because yuck. I'm happy with jumping because it kind of at least gets me on the board. Yeah. Because otherwise I was assuming just being dragged with a lead. Yep. And that's not going to work.

Oh, if you have the stem, you could just pick it up with a stem and... Like a vacuum cleaner. That is... That's like a functional... Like, it's the difference between farm weepin' bells and show weepin' bells. It eats the dust. It shouldn't, but it eats the dust.

Well, that would make more in favour for docking for the show, because it's like, oh, it's not a functional weepin' bell. It's not a functional weepin' bell. That's great. The farm stem is like almost a big handle. God, we keep doing weird things to our breath and lungs. Every Pokemon's come with one so far. Oh, do you know what?

Problems again, because if the Weepinbell's got like a bell mouth, their mouth's drying out. If their lips are too big and they don't have a stem, they're not going to be able to get the right amount of moisture to actually sustain their lips. They're going to be cracked, so they have to be on top of that, constantly chapping. Constantly chapping.

Another spray bottle. As I'm spraying my lickitung, you're there with a massive chapstick being like, or maybe multiple chapsticks because their lips are so big. With the lickitung, I imagine you've got like, like one of those like shitty like coals mops where you're like, they're like a big sponge. So you're just like.

Like I've got it over my lap as I do it and I move my way up the tongue. You've brought relatives along to hold the tongue for you. It's like painting a bridge. By the moment you get the end, you've got to start again. You've got to go back to the beginning before we send him out. Oh, owning a purebred lickitung is hell. All right, so the problem if you're bouncing is that I imagine the lip's so big.

Yeah, he's going to trip. Yeah, that's a real problem you're going to face. And plus, if it's got these big flowing leaves, it's gone. I think you have at least two trips on your one circuit. So, I reckon a D. Yeah, I'll call that a D. Yeah. That's a shame, man.

That's a shame. All right. Obstacle course. I'm going to check if they float, because if they float, that makes a big difference. That's true. If they float, you're good for the obstacle course. I imagine it's,'s like a base float speed or height, which is what the

current Weepinbell is. But when we fuck it up, because we're only doing it for aesthetics, we're not really caring about function. So it might be fine if it's hovering in place, but that's kind of like if a Weepinbell was maintaining a jump. So for it to also be

moving, I feel it's going to be a struggle. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, in fights they look like they're in the air, but every time they're not fighting they're on the ground. Oh, that's so sad. This one's just on a tree stump. Okay. Well, that one in there that you've got there, Cass,

it looks like it's kind of being balanced on its lips, kind of like where its lips are where its weight is at. So it kind of has to be balancing on them lips. That's pretty gross. So another problem we're going to be facing, especially if we're docking the tail. Yeah, and we are. Is that like, and we definitely are. I don't want to know gross farm weeping, though.

It's going to be like too almost top heavy now. It's going to be falling over. So we need to kind of have this balance, which is, I guess, why we make the leaves thicker. Yeah, that's true. To kind of balance that out. So it's going to be a hard balancing act. So obstacle course, I'm going to go with it. Maybe an F. Yeah, I think an F as well. Okay. Next category, willpower.

Where do you balance the tree? It must be sort of between the eyes, but a little bit up. So I'm actually going to but a little bit up. So, we've got a little circle pattern now. You kind of balance it in there. That's true.

We did make it more beautiful. Can it... How brain dead is the Weepinbell is my question. It is a plant. Yeah. Is it... Like, does it obey your commands? Yeah. It has to. Yeah. Is it, like, does it obey your commands? Yeah. It has to.

Yeah. All right. We've got to assume for the sake of the best in show that you've trained this Weapon Belt to obey your commands. Yeah, I can imagine almost, you know, for some reason now I'm imagining it's now telepathic. All right. Telekinetic with a sort of, like, ring circle thing to kind of, like, hover the treat above its sort of face. Well, if it's already kind of balanced on its lips. Yeah.

I think a problem is that the bottom half is just all mouth. Yeah. See, another problem I also think is if you balance the treat, you're going to kind of fuck up the equilibrium and the treat might fall and maybe even accidentally fall in its mouth. Yeah. I just keep, I have this image of like the treat falling in the Weepinbell's mouth and the Weepinbell doing nothing.

Oh yeah. They leave it there. Yeah. It balances on their bottom lip and the judge is like, it's technically in the mouth. Technically in his mouth. So I reckon, I reckon a C. Yeah. I don't think that goes well.

See, I think it's an A plus, but it's a technical F. Yeah. Yeah. Like you would have won, but unfortunately, because it's in the mouth. We'll go for a C. I agree. I think the Weepinbell ain't gonna be chewing this treat. It's just gonna be resting on his lip. Yeah.

We'll call it, the judges, one of them is like, most of them like A+, one of them's like F. There's deliberation. They settle on a C. Yeah, they have to. Yeah, they have to. Now, gonad squeeze. The all-important question of gonads. I reckon he's smooth.

Well, she's smooth, you know what I mean? I reckon it's smooth, so, you know, you could just kind of go in there and glide along it. And that's what you want from a weepin' bell. I'm just trying to imagine the way. Think of the back of a banana or just a banana and just kind of like sliding your hand down there. And what you want is smoothness.

Okay. You don't want any ridges or bumps. That's how you know the gender, those ridges or bumps. We kind of want to really androgynize this weeping bell. Counter suggestion. Yes. The judge puts on a big rubber glove and slides his hand inside the weeping bell to feel the gonads within. Oh, yes.

Sex this Pokemon. Sex this. Who's that Pokemon? Sex that Pokemon. All right. So he, like, yes, gloved hand goes inside the weeping bell. And you're feeling for a specific little nudge or nub or something in the back of its what would be considered throat. Yeah.

Or, right, so hang on. So you have that stem. Yeah. So maybe on the inside of it's like, so think of the weeping bell as a big tube. Yeah, all right. And so you put your whole hand and forearm in there. Yeah. And you have to kind of.

Oh, big love. Yeah, big that. and forearm in there. And you have to kind of... Oh, big glove. Yeah, big that... So the bit of the stem that we don't see, like the inside, the root of where it would be, that I reckon is the gonads.

And so you've got to give that a bit of a tug, a bit of a squeeze and kind of feel around that. You know what I mean? If you've got the stem at the top here, then there's something on the other side that you feel with your hand. I feel worse for docking it. Yep, that's terrible.

We shouldn't have docked it. What have we done? I sort of imagine the judge resting the weeping bell like a baby so that he can feel the underside because I feel like that's necessary as well and then get his hand inside. And have a bit of a squidgy. See what that is there. So I reckon an A.

Yeah, I'll give it an A. And you certainly found the gonads, unlike old Lekiton. Okay. Because I can imagine the inside of it being kind of nice. Yeah, me too. A little bit wet, but like, kind of maybe the inside of like a less sticky mandarin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to say mandrill.

A less sticky mandrill. Side note, Weepinbell, be an alright fleshlight. Yeah, look, if you want to fuck a Pokemon. No, no. No, I don't. Hard pass. Actually, it's huge. It would envelop all my dick and balls.

I feel like it would start good. It's so much bigger than that. Maybe my legs then? Yes. I swear there's footage. I swear there's an animation of someone being eaten by a Weepinbell. Is Weepinbell the Vore Pokemon? I think Weepinbell's the Vore Pokemon.

I thought the next evolution, that one could eat you. What's the next evolution? Ivysaur. Nope. No, not Ivysaur. That's wrong. Cut that, please. Victorybell.

That's right. Victorybell. What a great name. I just Googled Weep. Victorybell. All right. Now, playing the tuba. Victorybell is huge. You could get inside Victorybell. Do right. Now, play in the tuba. Victory Bell is huge.

You could get inside Victory Bell. Do you know what? If the tuba's shaped appropriately, I reckon it would do amazingly. Yeah, I was just thinking you've made it tubas. You were very keen on that because you knew you'd win this category. No, initially I was going to choose, like, Arcanine. Ah, yeah. But then I'm, like, too similar to a dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Weepin' Bell. Absolutely. Yeah, Weepinbell's got... I reckon Weepinbell could play the tuba like fucking gangbusters. I got that an A+, honestly. Yeah. Like, look at those lips.

Oh, hang on. Actually, maybe I was a bit too... No fingers. Well, no fingers and no lungs, possibly. Oh, good point. Is there a breath? That might be an F. Oh, fuck.

Oh, I feel like... Oh, at least a C or something. Is zamet allowed to help? Like bellows? Yeah, like bagpipes. Because then you just shove it in the front, squeeze the weeping bellows. Okay, so where it's like, it's like the, so I'm imagining, so where its stem is, right?

Yeah. And so it's like, that's the extension of its, like, cock or jine And so that's the extension of its cock or jine. But then underneath the stem is a little butthole. All right. So you just put the bellows in there. Squeeze the weeping bell. And then away you go. Yeah.

That's a lot of assistance. It's a lot of assistance, but it's the only way I feel a weeping bell is going to be able to blow a tuba. I thought that I was going to say. I reckon I see. Well, it depends as well. Yeah. Because, I mean, they're Pokemon. How well do we expect it?

Is it a couple of notes? Is it a selection of notes? Or is it a song? I think if you hear, like, one note, that's good. Lickitung couldn't even get one. That's true. One note, C. You play, like, a decent song.

B, you play it well. And A. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's call that a C. Okay. Because you're not getting a decent song out of that. Yeah. And finally, costume. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's call that a C because you're not getting a decent song out of that. Yeah. And finally, costume.

Not much you can do. I reckon you could sort of fancy it up with, like, feather boas and things like that to make it look- That's true. Look, like, thrice divorced on the way to the funeral sort of a thing, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I'm just- It's just not much because it doesn't have-

Yeah. It doesn't have limbs. It doesn't have limbs. It doesn't have limbs. It doesn't have bits. It's like kind of poorly shaped. Yeah. Like say if you got a manky. Easy.

Ah, yeah. A plus costume. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Weeping Bell, I think we're looking at like a D here. Yeah, I think there's not much you could do. Nah. Imagine like a fancy dress for Weeping Bell. Yeah.

Comes as a pair. Yeah. It already looks like a pair. You didn't really try, did you? You're copping a D, mate. Your copy's copping a D. I feel like, and it's one of those things that owners of Weepinbells would be like, it doesn't need a costume.

Look at this beautiful lead. It's perfect as it is. So how much did you get there, Zama? Because I suspect it may be similar to me. Because, like, I got some A pluses, but I got two Fs as well. You may be a little bit higher. Let me just quickly do some math. Quick math.

I'm excited by your math because this is just a thing I don't know how to turn. Letters into numbers. Yeah. Algebra. More like algebra, pardon me. I don't understand. Algebra, what are you talking about? School's out.

School's out for the summer. Did no one tell you? I want to look at, what's the first one? It goes, some boy weeping bell victory bell. What's the first one? We know this because I went as. Bell sprout. Yes.

Bell sprout. Yeah, look, I mean, even though he failed just the one category, he's sitting at literally 50%. Wow. So is that a C as well? It's a D. That's sad, man. It's sad.

Look, he tried his best, but, you know, it's just the costume let him down. Same with playing Tuba. Look, he got a lot of Cs. But you only got one A for gonads. Yeah. I really like Bellsprout, by the way. He looks like he's shitting himself, and it's very cute. Thank you. Like he's panicking.

Oh, God, that's the Optus homepage. Hold on. Do you reckon I would have made a good Bellsprout? I think you would have made an amazing Bellsprout. You would have made an amazing Bellsprout. Thank you. I moved my limbs wrong a lot. You would have hated it, Zamit. I would have. Oh, so much. All right, Cass, you're up. Who are we picking?

I'm thinking Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff. Excellent choice. Let me just get out of this. Was tempted to go for Ditto. Ditto is good, but cheating. I was also tempted to go for Ditto because I like the idea of a judge judging it and it turning into the judge with no face.

You're turning into the judge and judging the judge back. Yeah. Wow. Jigglypuff is cute, except is Jigglypuff furry? Or is that big weird head thing like a tube of flesh? I would think they're a bit furry. Yeah, all right. Good.

So that's hair. Yeah. Okay. So a bit of fur, lots of hair. This would think they're a bit fairy. Yeah, alright, good. So that's hair. Yeah, okay, so a bit of fur, lots of hair, this is a fairy Pokemon. Now, in terms of breeding it wrong, you know its eyes are most of its face now. Oh yeah, absolutely. Tiny mouth, biggest eyes,

the curl itself is like a perfect spiral. Oh yes, and maybe it's so big that it actually goes onto the eyes and you as an owner need to make sure that it keeps out of the eyes it's kind of like oh how about this right so it's like like uh almost like a quaff yeah yeah weird things kind of quaff but it also kind of sags over the eyes yeah or maybe it's like it's so big that it should do that but you have to do the hair.

So it's one of those, almost like a victory roll, but forward. Yeah, to protect the eyes. You look at it and you're like, God, that Jigglypuff can't survive in everyday life without all this hairspray. Absolutely. At home, you'd have to tie it in basically like a weird top knot just to keep it out of Jigglypuff's face.

Those weird pointy cavies, are they bigger or littler now? Yeah. Would you want them more cavernous or tiny? Yeah, what are you looking for there? See, I think maybe everything gets tiny except the hair and eyes. Because I'm looking at it and the eyes and the body, very round. Yeah. Very round Pokemon.

You like it being round. And you know what's making it not round? Those gross ears and its hands and feet. Yeah, the feet. So, like, I mean, the photos that I'm looking at. So, it's ears and, like, little nub hands. They sort of make, like, almost a parallel. So, when you're looking at it, it's almost symmetrical.

So maybe what you're wanting to do is when like you're trying to breathe them so that maybe even like the ears are on like an angle so that when you look at it, like the ears might be a bit further back than they usually are, but they look parallel to the hands. Like so they can't hear properly anymore because they're angled back a bit to make them look slightly smaller. I like it. I like it. A bit deaf. Yeah, so the ears end up coming a bit on top of the head, rotate back a little bit just to get the

symmetry going. And again, with the arms also a bit rotated back. It can no longer clap. No. It can no longer pick things up. I mean, I don't know if it ever could with my fingers, but yes, absolutely. That's hideous. Yep.

And maybe smaller feet. Yeah. Yeah, littler feet so that it's slower to get everywhere because it has to be more careful. I like the idea of pushing it over and then doing a cartwheel. Yeah, well, if you just roll, it's a sphere. That's good. That is good stuff.

All right, so parade. Par good. That is good stuff. All right. So. Parade. Parade. Now, tiny feet. Yeah, tiny feet. We shot ourselves in the foot there because- Slow, but- You could get it done.

I reckon it could be done. If we make them- If you can take your time as an owner, I think we could comfortably get away with it like an a there yeah maybe like an a minus because it's like it's just it's gonna be too slow yeah yeah maybe you're behind you you're gonna hold but i reckon look i'd love to give you an a nothing will please you more but i think it's a b yeah it would have to be because it's like oh there's nothing wrong with the form but it's just not fast enough yeah exactly yeah yeah look it's great but the fellow behind you with a fucking... Tyranitar.

Yeah, he's like, hurry up. Course, so how deaf are we talking? Because if it's really deaf and you're like, jump through the hoot, the hoot, jump through the hoot, jump through the hoot, it might just not know what you want from it. It might get stuck. It might get stuck.

I think that's more of a problem. I reckon if you've been breeding the jigglypuff for a while, I reckon you'll know which angle to stand on so that its ears can actually catch them properly. What I'm imagining is, because as you said, it's got cave ears, it could usually flick them around. It can't now. So you just need to learn the angle to stand on.

I reckon that's an obstacle that you as a trainer can get over. usually flick them around it can't now so you just need to learn the angle to stand on yeah i reckon i reckon that's a that's an obstacle that you as a trainer yeah that's for you to sort out exactly but yeah it would oh my god can you imagine it trying to jump no no i cannot so f f is it even completing this course because none of others have i just it would roll though that's true i reckon it would get. I just imagine it would roll, though. That's true. It would roll. I reckon it would get done. Yeah, I think it would get done. You might just end up breaking some of the obstacles. Yeah, maybe an F.

F plus. We'll give you an F plus, guys. B, F plus. That's good. You're already doing better than both me and Zamit by this point. I'll give you a pass. You know what? A 50.

Yeah. All right. I think. It rolled to the finish line. The course was demolished but you got there in the end. It's a pass. Willpower.

See that's... I don't know. I reckon you could put things on its tuft but it would be hidden from it so it might be like that's not fair. That's a good point. But also I think how small of a bread its mouth? Is it the kind of thing where it couldn't get the treat even if it wanted to?

I don't think it could get the treat. I don't think it could reach treat with its hands. Yeah, that's true. You put something on a Jigglypuff's head, the one that we've made, there's no way it can eat it. So I think it would win technically. Look, I got away with winning technically. I'll call that an A+. Done. You've kept it can eat it. So I think it would win technically. Look, I got away with winning technically. I'll call that an A+.

Done. You've kept it on its head. Again, I don't imagine any of these Pokemon really aware that the treat is on their head until it falls into their vision. Then they're like, oh. This Jigglypuff tries to use his big eyes to look up, but their hair is blocking it. It's like, oh, I feel like I can.

Never mind, I guess. I guess there's nothing there. It's like, oh, I feel like I can... Never mind, I guess. I guess there's nothing there. It's sad that none of me is Nick. I imagine it's blinking. It's getting caught in its coif. Yeah. Imagine it's blinking, coming off a gross wet noise. Oh.

Yuck. Sorry, everyone. Unpleasant. Gonads. Where are they? Okay, so how about we try this to figure it out. How would it mate? I don't think ours can.

Yeah, ours can't get on top of it. It can no longer mate. That's so sad. Is this going to be one of those things where you kind of feel underneath? Get off, get off. It can no longer mate. That's so sad. Is this going to be one of those things where you kind of... Yeah, you're going to feel underneath. ...under the carriage and try and see if there's a bump or like a little indent? Yeah, I imagine it kind of being like some birds with just a patch. Yeah.

Unfortunately, what I can hear is a problem of us overbreeding. Yeah. It's because usually it's going to be like on a sphere, you go in there, you get the ridges, you're like, oh, there it is. Yeah. A little bit of a little, little, little. Oh, there. Yeah. Yeah.

However, because we want this more spherical, we've probably chunked it up a bit. Oh, that's true. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. So, I feel like it's going to be encased a little bit. Every time it maybe needs to go to the bathroom, we're going to have to, like, lift up some folds. That's disgusting. We've ruined these majestic creatures.

There's no doubt about that. They're not functional. Because I feel what's going to happen is especially because we want it to be a sphere, we want it to be tight, we're going to have to pull the skin folds back and maybe tie it back at the end, kind of like a facelift. Yeah. Oh my gosh, you'd have to hide it under the hair.

Well, naturally that is. It's just going to be where there's gonads, I reckon. I assume every time we come to go to under the hair. Well, naturally that is. It's just going to be wearing those gonads, I reckon. I assume every time we come to go to one of these Pokemon shows, people throw paint at us and call us monsters. Team Rocket's there being like, how could you? That's fucked up. We just want to collect the animals. You guys are wrecking them.

You're wrecking them. You don't even use their abilities. This Jigglypuff can't sing. All you're doing is ruining them and getting them to play the tuba. That's what it sounds like. I can imagine this one singing and crying. Yeah. But I assume it's always weeping a little bit.

Oh, yeah. You've got to, like, wipe it before you go on stage. That's the opposite problem of a licky tongue and weeping. Exactly, it's too moist. Do you reckon that Pokemon, like, we bring our pets in and they look at each other like, God, I wish we could exchange moisture. So gonads, it's an F? An F?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The whole thing's just unpleasant, so. If you can't find them. Tuba, I reckon you could do. Yeah. Smallmouth. Smallmouth, designed for singing.

A. A. If not an A+. Let's call that an A+, for the tuba. I mean, it can't reach the things, but, oh, actually, tuba's bigger than it. It can probably reach some of them. Yeah, that's true.

Absolutely. Yeah, okay. In costume, a fucking door a fucking door oh you can any costume will work oh absolute little hats little bows dressing it up like a strawberry look another a plus it looked much cuter as a strawberry than the lick of tongue would look as a strawberry so yeah i think that's another way you want to dress them up with strawberries that's the cutest thing i just think they'd look cute as strawberries. I nearly said that about the Weepinbell as well, but I didn't want to be like,

that's just a weird kick I'm on right now. Can I buy him a strawberry costume? Absolutely. Let's buy Melody a strawberry costume. I think that would be better. I think it's going to be hard to find a dog a strawberry costume, but I'm into it, and I'm keen. I think we've done well.

I suspect, Cass, you may come out on top here um but look only time will tell while we wait for the judge's confirmation okay oh man it's a wow it's uh it's coming down to the wire oh really i forgot to add a score and i was like that's not right um so you are sitting on a fucking bee, Cass. Ooh! Well done. On a hot bee, 70%, you've scored the winner of today's best in show Pokemon edition with your Jigglypuff. Can we even call it a Jigglypuff now? Can we call any of these creatures Pokemon? Oh!

We've got the monster part, right? That's true. Pocket monsters. Yes. Oh, my gosh. You reckon there's like, you know, you'll have some Jigglypuff coming in and then it's just like, oh, my God, I hear hers is like a Wigglytuff. That's true.

They've just shaved it down. No evolutions. Your Pokemon evolves in the middle of the show and you are kicked out immediately. It's like the ultimate faux pas. It starts, like, shining and just like... No, no, no. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Oh, my God. Because the problem there is all the, like, the things... Because we've... Say, take the Weepinbell. Yeah. We have fucked up that Bellsprout to get the perfect Weepinbell. Yeah, absolutely. But the moment that Weepinbell becomes a... Victory Bell. Victory Bell, it the perfect weeping bell. Yeah, absolutely. But the moment that weeping bell becomes a victory bell,

it's going to look fucked. Yeah, exactly. So we haven't planned for that. We don't want that. It's going to look like giant lips because now the top will flop and down. Just imagine seeing someone having like a panic attack behind some, I don't know, some, what is a thing that would be in a dog show that you could be behind?

Podium. Behind the podium, just being like, no, no, calm down, calm down, calm down. Like, oh, that's so embarrassing. Do you see Zamet over there? He's evolving. Can you imagine, like, going in, the judges, like, you know, judging, like, during the pedestal thing, they lift up the tongue, there's an Everstone.

They're like, oh, I'm sorry, we actually have an illegal item on. What have you found? Is this your Everstone? How'd that get in there? Oh, my God. Imagine going to, like, other places, like, other competitors and just slipping their Pokemon like a thunderstorm. Oh, yes.

Your Eevee is now a Jolteon. Gotcha. Eat shit. And on that note. Oh, Eat shit. And on that note. Oh, my gosh. And on that note. I've been Jackson. I've been Cass.

And I've been Zamit. Happy breeding, everybody. Breed away, friends. Oh, don't. Don't. Please don't. Gotta catch them all. Pokemon.

Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you

want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now But not forever. Kisses