Plumbing the Death Star - Which Radioactive Animal Biting Peter Parker Would Have The Best Possible Outcome For New York City in America ?

Episode Date: February 16, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey gang, in case you don't know, Australia's on fire. And it's only now just hit the start of our fire season. Already, close to 20 million hectares have been burnt or are currently on fire, 34 people have died and we've lost half a billion animals to the point where koalas are functionally extinct. animals to the point where koalas are functionally extinct. So to help raise funds for Wildlife Victoria, we're teaming up with our mates from Planet Broadcasting this February 20th to bring you a live Plumbing the Death Star, followed by a Sandspans Radio v Planet Broadcasting showdown hosted by Do Go On's Dave Warnicke and our very own Jackson B. Bailey to decide which network is the greatest mate once and for all.

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streamlabs.com slash sanspants radio slash merch and grab a fundraiser tea where once again all proceeds are going to wildlife victoria hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like which radioactive animal biting Peter Parker would have the best possible outcome for New York City in America? Cat! Oh! Okay, so Good, hold on to that for a second Okay

Good So obviously a spider, when you think of a spider If you're not thinking of Spider-Man, spider's bad Yeah, that is true One of the worst animals Honestly think evil Yeah, they is true. One of the worst animals. I honestly think evil. Yeah, they have an evil energy about them. If we had the ability to give a good and bad morality to animals,

spiders would have fallen aside. Spider? Bad. Snake? A bad. Dog? Good. Bear's an interesting one.

In the middle, because it can be both. Has eaten people. Yeah, but also loves honey and sitting. Yeah, sometimes doesn't wear pants. And the middle. Cause it can be both. Has eaten people. Yeah. But also loves honey and sitting. Yeah. Sometimes doesn't wear pants. And the back scratch. Yeah. Scritch,

scratch. Donkey. Good. Of course. Horse. Powerfully good. Anyway, I feel like if you,

if there's an animal that, if you just kill in front of people, they don't care. No one cares. Sometimes they're like, this is good. That animal is not good. That's a good, don't care. No one cares. Sometimes they're like, this is good. That animal is not good. That's a good yardstick.

Ants? Bad. Most insects? Bad. Butterfly? Good. Moth? Bad.

Big moth? Good. Big butterfly? Bad. Too big Troublesome Flapping about Bats? Good

But only because if someone stood on one I'd be like I would be like Why? Oh my god It's just a bat It would make me happy if someone stood on a fish Yeah Thinking of fish as bad Fits this scale but it's also funny Bad. It's funny. It would make me happy if someone stood on a fish, yeah.

Thinking of fish as bad fits this scale, but it's also funny in my head. Because fish seem good. Fish are neutral. Fish have no good or evil in them. Sharks, evil, bad. Because if someone stood on one. Goldfish, good. Yeah.

Cow? No, because if I saw someone kill a cow, I'd be like, why? But also meat. It's complicated. I fear the more we discuss our scale, the more we realise it's four. Lion? Good. But if someone stood or killed one, I might be like, well, was it going to kill you?

Was it in self-defence? Man. Lion has the same problems as man, yes. Yeah, absolutely. Whale, good. Yeah. Peter Parker. Yes.

Got bitten by an evil animal. He got bitten by a bad spider. But he turned into a good hero. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So in this question's theory, in the hypothesis suggested by this question, is that if you were then bitten by a good animal, he'd be a better hero.

That's true. What is the best good animal to have been bitten by to make him the most optimum hero for New York City, a place in America? Yes, absolutely. Cat. Cat, now we're back. All right.

Okay, so. First of all, cat bite, ow. Yes, absolutely. Cat. Now we're back. First of all, cat bite, ow. The powers of a cat. Now Peter Parker, because he can't swing from building to building, he's now climbing like a cat. If he falls, he's fine.

Always lands on his feet. Does he get, are we assuming blanket strong? Yeah. Okay, cool. Because I was like, lands on his feet, but depending on he get, are we assuming blanket strong? Yeah. Okay, cool. Because I was like, lands on his feet, but depending on the height, that could be very bad. Yeah, so we'll go for the same thing that you kind of get with Spider-Man where he's like, it's like what you'd associate with the animal,

but times like a hundred. So like if he jumps off a building, lands on his feet, he's not instantly dying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he has sweet claws that he can use to climb trees. That's pretty good. However, maybe, yeah. So he has sweet claws that he can use to climb trees. That's pretty good. However, maybe he gets the fear of a cat, and now he's stuck up in a tree.

Call the fire brigade. New York fire is busy. I don't know what I am up here. Help. I also like that you have picked an animal that both famously and recently has been mixed with man, and everyone was like, boo, we hate this. That's true.

Oh, no, New York's going to be too horny. New York is run by cats. All of a sudden, Spider-Man's like, maybe I want to be Jellicle. How Jellicle am I? Let's check. Not Jellicle enough. Oh, I get to sing a bit. Memories.

I don't know the words. No, no, no. It'd be power and responsibilities. Spider-Man's going to go to the Jellicle. No, sorry, Cat-Man. Go to the happy side later. He's off. He's just a man.

I don't know if a man's allowed to go to cat heaven. He'll get a tail, whiskers, fur. Okay, so Spider-Man, let's not forget, didn't get eight eyes on Spider-Mouth. But he got spider hair. That's true, on his hands. He would be bad to touch. Because you wouldn't realise what was going on when you touched him.

Yeah, the implications of that scene. Harry Jane holds his hand. Yeah, in Spider-Man 1, the implication of the scene where he's going to climb the wall for the first time, it zooms in on his hand, and tiny, terrible little spines come out his hands. What's happening there? And why does it also come out his shoes? They're long.

Imagine clipping them. Like shaving your feet. He was in a loving and committed relationship with a woman. So presumably fingering was a thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's bad. That's really terrible. Although maybe spider hair feels good on a clitoris.

Yeah, we don't know how spider hair feels. We just know it's sticky. It's sticky. Sometimes when involved in sexual activity, sticky is good. Yeah. You said that to me like I was watching like a PSA in health class. I don't know if this is... Puberty may seem bad, but in hindsight, you might think that was good.

It was mostly sticky. What am I learning? What am I learning today? What class is this? Why am I in high school? I'm old. I'm like 28. I gotta go.

There's probably some parents that are close to my age. So with Cat. Yes. So you get bit by Cat. So you're right. He doesn't get all the characteristics of a spider. No. So it's got to be kind of at least, you know, one to one of what the spider got Spider-Man.

Yes. So he now has claws that can help him climb. That's fair. I reckon he'd probably. Sorry, cats are good at climbing. I reckon he'd also probably get whiskers. I reckon that's where I would. He would get whiskers.

No tail. And. That's fair. Jumping. Yes. Cats are good at climbing. He'd also probably get whiskers. I reckon that's where I would... No tail. And jumping. Yes. Cats are great at jumping. And he'd get that thing where if you shock Spider-Man, he does a big jump in the sky. Oh, my God. Exactly.

Anyone like drops a cucumber near him? Oh, he's jumping. Is that a fucking snake, dude? No, it's a cucumber. Are you sure? I'm going to jump high anyway. I'm just jumping. I'm just jumping.

Dude, it's just a cucumber Don't touch it No it's safe Oh my god Oh my god Oh okay Okay it's a cucumber He gets very easily distracted and playful

That's true Does catnip make him horny? Does catnip make cats horny? Or is it like a drug? It's like on cocaine. Yeah. So catnip. He gets quick.

He'll get very quick. And it's probably not bad for him. So he can just do some catnip before fighting the green goblin. Why do we give cats catnip? Because they love it. They love it, dude. Who are we to tell a cat to not have catnip? And a cat doesn't live long enough, you know, for like problems to develop.

So, look, in the relationship that human beings have with cats, people sometimes refer to them as fur babies. If I had actual baby, skin baby, let's say, and it grows up and I'm like, here's cocaine. Rub it in your gums. Parents and the police are like, bad. Cat lives maximum 20 years. How long till the effects of the drug kick in?

Give a dog cocaine. You'll be right. Good boy. So Catman can jump with his whiskers, can sense. Is that like his spidey sense? I guess his spider sense or if he could fit through that gap. Walk through a doorway? Yeah, I got this.

Maybe, let me check. Does his bones become a bit more like pliable and like it's like a bit more like putty? He can fit through smaller spaces. I don't like that. He's slippy. He's a bit slippy, but not in the way we think.

Cats' whiskers are kind of long for a cat. That's true. Like in their proportions, but human beings have broader shoulders, which means that his whiskers will kind of long for a cat. That's true. Like in their proportions. But human beings have broader shoulders, which means that his whiskers will be really long. So he's going to look at those weird, you know those cats that look a little wrong, and they have those real big.

Oh, like a point out the side? Out the side, that. How does this benefit New York? Yeah. Well, the way I was thinking of it is because like like, a lot of New York is spent with J. J. N. Jameson ragging on Spider-Man, being like, he's a menace.

He's doing all these things. Look at Spider-Man. Cats, though, notoriously lazy. And also sleep, like, 20 hours of the day. By doing less, he'll achieve more. Exactly. Think harder, not faster. Okay.

So, all right, let's think Spider-Man 1. Okay. So, or as it was titled, Spider-Man. Yeah. Or Cat-Man. Can we go through The Amazing Spider-Man with Andrew Garfield instead? Just quickly. No, because it's a very, very, very, very important note

that I just want to double check. We can later. Okay, good. When we do yours, we'll go through Amazing Spider-Man. We'll all be forced to remember a film that we can't remember. So, your argument for Catman is that less is more. Yes. Spider-Man.

Yes. He's a wrestler. Sure. Catman, not to be a wrestler. Catman, again, there a wrestler. Cat man. Again, there's no reason why he wouldn't be. He could do exactly the same thing, basically. I don't know. I just feel like a cat is less...

Yeah, but a spider's not like, fuck, I want to get into a punch-on. Some spiders are, though. Oh, some cats are, though, too. He's wrestling. He's done that. Exactly the same thing's happened. And at this point you're like

less is more Uncle Ben shot again so he just doesn't learn a lesson from that he'll learn great power comes great responsibility

and then he'll cry and rub his face up against Uncle Ben's shot wounds but the point of that great power comes great responsibility

if less is more then No he still learns the lesson He's just bad at acting on it But then More okay Amazing Spider-Man 2 Less is more I keep picking things where stuff has already Gone wrong Gwen Stacy definitely dies

Yeah oh absolutely But will all the villains hate him Because they'll be like you know know, like for four hours, like really two hours, two hours a night, there's a guy dressed up like a cat. Elektra hates him more. No, Elektra hates him less. Elektra hates him more.

He doesn't even speak to Elektra. Elektra doesn't even know he exists. Elektra's like, it's my birthday. And Catman's like... Which is what upsets him so much in the first place. So if he cares even less... Oh, yeah, happy birthday, bro. Spider-Man didn't come to his birthday party.

He's so cut about it. And cats love parties. No, they don't. Cats love a party. Has Sam ever seen a cat? I think he's been like, what is an animal? Cat. That one.

In a party, a cat will come up... Do you want to look at a picture of a cat? I'm looking at several as we speak. Will come up, whatever you're doing, will be like, ah, good. During a party, the cat is like, I'm going to hide in a bedroom. Yes. Oh, no, his weakness is boxes. Boxes, water.

Cucumbers as a staff member. Being frightened. And also responsibility. Being frightened. What about also responsibility? Cocaine. Yeah. Let's talk about the moral effect this has on New York City. Spider-Man, that's pretty cool, okay? And he's wearing, he's not hideous.

Where Catman, unfortunately. Yeah. Slinky and got a big whisker face. You know how. He got a big beard that's pointed aside. Everyone thinks he's a bit of a hipster, but no one knows quite what's going on. You know one of Spider-Man's abilities,

even though it's not like a power he has, but it's definitely like an ability, is that New York loves the shit out of him. And New York helps him out in a pinch. Yes. New York will never help out Catman. The cat fans of New York will love him. Yes, I'm sure.

The dog fans of New York will hate him. All, I'm sure. The dog fans of New York will hate him. All sort of the weakness dogs. Yeah. Broadway is in New York, isn't it? Yes. Cats, big in Broadway. Okay. Lasted years.

So the theatre folk in New York love Catman. No, wait. But theatre folk- Globally, no one really likes Catman. But, no, you've gone the wrong way. Theatre folk hate Cats Cats dog shit musical that tricked people that's the whole thing with Cats

it's a theatrical thing where critics are like I don't understand this is bad why does everyone love it so theatre folk hate Cats the general public love Cats critics really hate Cats critics hate Catman so basically it's just J.J. Jameson on steroids

but the general public being like, why? Other superheroes are being like, or superhero fanatics are like this guy's the worst. Like I get that he's like overwhelming. I get that it's like you're not paying attention to the outside world

when it's happening. And cats have a superiority complex. This is not a good thing for a hero to have. Yeah, but they think that they run the... They don't really have owners, they have staff. Skimble shakes the railway cat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So everything's about Peter Parker.

So he's like a selfish, lazy... Cats man who has responsibility. So that's good? Yeah, that's somehow a win for you have you tried to go full circle see like if i say something so bad it's good and everyone will be like yes philosophy that often on plumbing the death star we like to refute the things each other say so you're like if i describe the worst hero they'll get angry and tell me how he's good? Maybe they will do my work for me. Are you like a cat

lazy in this moment and hoping we'll solve your problem? Yes. So maybe this is good for New York. Yeah. Which is exactly what he wants to do. Yes. Because

if you remove a hero from New York, then New York has to become stronger and fight off the threats themselves. That's true. And with superheroes, generally it's like their rogue gallery, their villains kind of rise up to match whoever is the villain. Catman not doing much. So we're not going to get a green gobble. It might be green dog.

Green dog. And who loves a dog? Everybody love a dog. Are you worried about Catman? No. Not at all. Who? Although Dr. Ock, that fight will last a while

because Catman's going to be playing with them limbs. Man, calling Dr. Octopus Dr. Ock is really... Not Doc Ock, not Dr. Octopus. Doc Octopus? Also weird. Dr. Octopus. Dr. Ock. not Doctor Octopus. Doc Octopus? Also weird. Doctor Octopus. Doctor Ock. It's just strange.

Well, look, Catman. Bad. Bad job. You cooked it. Maybe worst choice. Truly a choice. The only way you could have gone worse is if you're like, all right, sorry, I want you to.

I wish, because it's Spider-bad, but what if Spider-Man had been bitten by a living piece of shit? Well, is there any situation where Spider-Man made the situation worse and if he had just been napping instead, would it have been better? Yeah, but it doesn't matter if there's only one situation because there is 100,000 situations. In fact, every issue of Spider-Man, he does something good because he acts yeah yeah

taking the agency away from a superhero is typically not a great idea because that's usually they're sort of what makes them do things yeah but it will be good for new york which means they won't have to rely on spider-man but i've already tried this new yorkers cannot stop every crime Green Goblin attacks New Yorkers are like I guess we're just fucking going to war with this guy with his pumpkin bombs

man if only we had someone to do this for us leave it to the cops yeah I guess I don't know if it's a win how was that going for them before Spiderman stepped up yeah didn't Spiderman need to step up Oh, it's a win. How was that going for them before Spider-Man stepped up? Yeah.

Didn't Spider-Man need to step up? Didn't Gwen Stacy's dad, who was the leader of the cops, how did he get got? Leader of the cops. Dennis Leary. Yeah. Hey, we're talking about your favorite film again. Yeah.

Who is the leader of the cops? Who kills him? Dennis Leary. Who kills who? Dennis Leary, the lizard. Yeah. Yeah. So when the cops tried to fight- Cats hate lizards.

They eat them. Yeah, but Spider-Man also stopped the lizard. Being a cat changes nothing. Anyway, I choose a fungus. Fungus man. Fungus man. Bit by a radioactive fungus. Fungus is huge.

Spider-Man just needs to grow into the sewers and he could be anywhere in New York at any time. Oh, he'd kind of be like, he'd almost be like a good Sandman. Yeah. Or Green Sandman. Green Sandman. He could go up buildings and stuff like that

because the fungus could just grow. And all he'd have to do is he'd have to go onto the roof, open his mouth and go, shoot a bunch of spores, which would settle in other places in the city to grow other spider men.

This is bad again. Solve problems. It's good for New York if the entirety of New York is just fungus men. Don't breathe them in. Little fungus men will grow in your belly. In your lungs. In the game The Last of Us, where the main villains are fungus people,

people who are fungus, and then people get consumed by fungus. However, if everybody is a fungus Spider-Man, everyone is the same. Absolutely. Which means New York is better. And it probably isn't going to go everywhere. It's just going to go into some people, but they'll become little Spider-Men. Yeah, until they see a doctor or whatever.

But it will go everywhere because those Spider-Men will also... They'll also spore. That's true. So it'll be not just New York. Maybe it'll be like a singularity of Spider-Men. Yeah, absolutely. A fungus man, yes. And everyone will be fungus man and the world will be protected.

Or they won't need to be because they're all fungus men. If everyone's Spider-Man, no one's Spider-Man. Absolutely. Sorry. If everyone's fungus man, nobody's fungus man. And J. Jonah Jameson can't run any bad press because he's fungus man. All the press has is fungus man good and nothing else. In fact, there's no press.

It's just a fungus. That's just a telepathic message sent out to all the fungus, which is fungus man good. Everyone's like, fungus man is good. My mind is right. Spot on, brain. I don't disagree with my own thoughts. Fungus Man, real good.

So his moveset apart from consuming the entire... So he's not doing a better job. He's just... Everyone is Fungus Man, so no one can be like, you're not doing a good job. Yes. Everyone is only thinking, I am Fungus Man. Yeah, everyone is the same thing. Yeah, no crime can happen. Let's go through The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Okay. Everyone is the same thing. Yeah. No crime can happen.

Let's go through the amazing Spider-Man too. Okay. Fungus man. Yeah. So does it, are we just going to pretend that the start of the amazing Spider-Man happens at the start of amazing Spider-Man too? Because if he's already been fungus man, none of the events happen.

So Spider-Man, the amazing Spider-Man one, everyone becomes fungus man. So, okay. The opening scene that is in... Why do I remember this? Times Square, none of that happens.

No, well, there's just Fungus Man. No, Electro doesn't become Electro. Yeah, he's just Fungus Man. The Fungus Man falls into, like, electric thing, and then the Fungus is like, hey, we've got electric powers. Yeah. That's neat.

Or the Fungus Man just stands where it is silently opening its mouth releasing its force like yeah either way uh yeah he's like hey man fungus man good yeah and everybody thinks fungus man good there's no crime anymore everyone's just fungus man when stacy was dead well before she hit the ground in that thing because she was alive as a fungus man. We just need to in this situation and in a world where fungus men consume us all, we die

and then they just live in our bodies. No, we're fungus men. That's not how fungus works. I'm pretty sure the fungus in my own thoughts are telling me that I am me. All the fungus men are just fungus men You're right None of them are Gwen Stacy

Or even really Peter Parker Peter Parker's dead too Peter Parker dies and then wakes up as a fungus man And just opens the window of his room and goes And slowly Green Goblin I'm going to be the Green Goblin Oh wait what have I breathed in I'm fungus man

That's right I'm fungus to be the green goblin. Oh, wait, what am I? Breathe thin. I'm fungus man. That's right. I'm fungus man. Yeah. Great point. Good point. Aha. I'm going to like, I need to go to work, but I'm a fungus man. Yeah. Maybe I don't need to go to work.

I'm going to just stand here silently and open my mouth. You know, the greatest villain of fungus man is Venom because he's got no lungs. Oh. And then he's a symbiote. Oh, but the symbiote can kind of consume. Symbiotically consume a fungus man. Yeah. Well, is the symbiote can kind of consume, biotically consume a fungus, man. Yeah.

And then not just a fungus. Yeah. Like link with link with the fungus because basically a symbiote is kind of like life. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. And so now you just have like everyone opening their mouth going,

but now it's spores mixed with a symbiote. It's with venom juice. The venom juice. I'd be like, this is a much better way to get everybody. This is a great way to get around. Absolutely. So if anything, you've enhanced not just fungus man,

but also venom. Another person that I guess has still arrived is the Doc Ock's arms. They've got a fungus man attached. Which has happened basically before. But they aren't fungus men, so they're just wandering around being like, what is going on?

Well, they have a... Want to want to kill Well it doesn't matter Because everyone's already dead Like the arms will just go through a fungus man Everyone's like oh no a bit of me got got That's okay I imagine that if you tear off A fungus person's arm it just like Tears off like a fungus Everyone's like they could just be a head

Theoretically Again they're all dead, so it doesn't matter. But they don't think they're dead. No, they don't think. They think I'm a fungus man. They think fungus man good. Crime rate, zero.

Amount of deaths every year, zero. One year, seven billion. Zero consistently. Hey Jackson, do you know what other place has a crime rate of zero percent? Chernobyl. Yeah. Well, that's probably not true anymore. Because animals on animals, that could be

considered a crime. But with fungus men. And eventually fungus animals. Yeah. Surely. It'll evolve. I hope it will. Otherwise the deer are eating all the fungus. That's a real problem. You create an ecosystem. I'm not imagining any of the fungus men moving.

I'm imagining they spore into the ground. Yeah, of course. Just double-checking. They turn into fungus, they freeze, they open their mouth. Kind of like an annihilation, where sure they turn into fungus they freeze they open their mouth that's it i'm like an annihilation where people could turn into like a pretty yeah like a plant absolutely and they're just fungus forever and there's no crime in new york city new york city loves fungus man because new york city is fungus man slowly the fungus grows beneath the streets

no threats goes to new jersey and other states around New York. Reaches. Nearly threw up. Reaches the water supply. Reaches the ocean. Fungus across the planet. I don't know. It seems pretty sweet to me.

All right. I think the only thing that I've not done, you know, as per the question is it's not an animal. And it's not good.. It's not good. Yeah. Would. Yeah. If. Yes.

I was like, the world is a better place if I shoot you in the head. Would you be happy with that outcome? I wouldn't be happy, but then I'd be dead. And the world would be a better place. And the bullet would be very happy. People often don't take the bullet's thoughts into consideration. They love shooting people in the head. I get to go out.

I get to go out. Whee! I'm in a guy. Hell yeah. This is what a brain looks like from the inside. And I'm out again. Dug out by some fingers. The perfect life of a bullet.

Anyway. Yes. You haven't really, because again, you can't say that it's good for New York because at one point everyone has to die. Yeah, I guess it's not good for New York in that New York is dead. It becomes good for New York, which is just fungus New York. There's no

culture, there's no people, there's no music, nothing really unless the wind going through. I mean, basically what I'm saying here is that New York would be bad, like if we dropped a bomb on New York. Because there'd be zero crime other than

one big crime. Which is horrific and not a good argument. Yeah, look, I can see the flaw in my plan. Yeah. It's just, yeah, because people are dying. In record numbers

It's not like The fungus isn't trying to pretend That they are not fungus man Yeah, oh yeah They're not being like, hey yes, you are Jeremy Clark But you're also fungus man It's like, you are fungus man We are all the one fungus man

That's a good point, fungus man That's not good Did I get an F? Yes. You did a bad job. You had one job which was to not kill everyone in New York City and you failed that. Can I go get a neutral job now

considering how bad it could have gone? Can I get bumped up on a bell curve? The clearance is just to be to do at least what Spider-Man does and you both have lowballed that so much. Yeah, but he lowballed it a lot worse.

I lowballed it so hard we hit the ground. You ended human life. I was like the only way for things to be good is if the planet blew up. If humanity went extinct in one fell swoop, that would good that's better yeah that's crazy and now a quick word from our sponsors also do you know what you're going to be doing after you

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up to an original page of art from the book. Just head to kickstarter.com and search for A Boxer. You both have done a bad job, and that's why I'm here to do a good job. Spider-Man would be better if he got bitten by rather than a spider, Donkey Kong. He loved barrel. He loved barrel. He loved... I hate Italians.

Loved climbing tower, throwing barrel. But you've got to remember, Spider-Man, Peter Parker, his brain doesn't just instantly become spider. It's a bit spider, but still mostly man. That's true. Donkey Kong already bit man, mostly ape. Ape part shrinks, man part bigger. So like in that Spider-Man has a spider sense,

Donkey Kong man would have an Italian man sense. Oh, guys, I think there's an Italian near me. There's a lot of great pizza joints. And bananas as well. He'd be very aware of them. Hates lizards, which will kill the lizard. That's true. He would throw a barrel at the lizard.

He would destroy that lizard. I guess he gets the strength of a Donkey Kong. Yes, which is very strong. Can climb buildings. Yeah, can climb buildings. That's no big deal. He's only in a tie. Yeah.

Only want to be in a tie. No, again, spiders don't wear clothes. Spider-Man wears clothes. I think he would be wearing a superhero outfit, but with a tie. Yeah, absolutely. Ready for formal occasions. DKM.

Hey, does Donkey Kong take fall damage? No, in none of the games I don't think he does. Well, that's good. No fall damage for Spider-Man. Sorry, for Donkey Kong. Yeah, Donkey Kong. He can just jump off buildings and land and go, ooh, and then roll along. Big slaps.

Big slaps. He can do the roll. That's pretty good. So he'd probably just travel through the subway tunnels doing the roll. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's all right. Can befriend animals, as seen in Donkey Kong Country. Can befriend animals.

Rider, rider. Also wouldn't have let the man kill Uncle Ben. That's true. Why do you say that? Just because I don't think Donkey Kong is incapable of not doing good. The wrestling match would have lasted maybe shorter. Yeah, like a second as Donkey Kong Man snaps the neck of Bone Crush or whatever his name was. Then he runs out and jumps in the car window.

I like that he loses. Or does he, when he's stressed, just make ape noises? When he's stressed, he kind of goes into a sort of Donkey Kong fugue. And then Uncle Ben's like, gee whiz, Peter, you feeling all right? Just do that big wind up punch. And then just slam that Big wind up punch And then just Slam that guy Boom

So I guess What other Characteristics would Donkey Kong man get Big ape lips Family man Family man Loves his

Nephew Loves his Kong Would he have Big arms Yeah Little legs No Yeah

Big arms Little legs. Yeah. Big arms, little legs. The imposter of an ape. And again, that lovely chimp mouth. Yeah. Peter Parker is in hospital. Because this happens overnight. And Aunt May is like, and Uncle Ben are like, are you?

My son has. My son's body has rapidly changed shape. But they're in hospital, so that means Uncle Ben Dunk is shot. Yeah, that's true. Except Uncle Ben. He doesn't get much of a lesson, but Donkey Kong doesn't need one. Donkey Kong's already... Because Donkey Kong, prior to biting Peter Parker, already had that lesson.

That's true. With great power comes great responsibility. Then why'd he bite Peter Parker? I don't know. Peter Parker kept on sticking his fingers in. Just the radioactive made him a bit bitey. It's crazy that Oscorp have Donkey Kong.

Give him back to Nintendo. Does that mean all of the villains end up with a little bit of an Italian twist? Oh no, it's the Green Goblin. He's throwing good lasagna at us.

The end of Amazing Spider-Man 2, instead of seeing future villains' outfits, it's just Nintendo characters. Why? It's the future outfits, but everyone has a big mustache. Or just hats with a letter on it. How does Mario defeat Donkey Kong? What does he do?

He hits a... Donkey Kong does take fall damage. Oh, that's a shame. Oh, no, he falls into... Gotta be careful. Falls into fire about... Donkey Kong hate fire. Yeah.

Donkey Kong man probably hate fire. I can't remember if Donkey Kong, when you hit the thing, if Donkey Kong just falls and hits the ground, or if he falls into, like, the flame barrel at the start of the level. I don't know. Either way, I just want to know, does Mario hit him with a hammer? No.

Okay, so he just- I mean, in Smash Bros., yes, but in the original game Donkey Kong, no. You hit the barrels with a hammer. Yeah, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Just checking. So Green Goblin is now in overalls. Yeah, absolutely.

Well, Green Goblin just becomes Mario. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. On a cloud fighting Donkey Kong. Yeah. New York City. He'd be throwing fireballs. Yeah, that's pretty good. New York City.

Oh, worse now. Bombs versus a fireball that goes out after it bounces four times. I don't know. The fireball vaporizes a turtle like that. Yeah. Hey. A bomb vaporizes a turtle. If you strapped a hand grenade to a

turtle and pulled the pin, what do you think's going to happen, Jackson? There'd be guts. There'd be guts. There'd be a hole. A hole where the turtle used to be. At least when you hit a turtle with a fireball, the shell still survives.

However, there seems to be a limited supply of pumpkin bombs, whereas Mario seems to be able to manifest those. Yeah, that's true. No environmental damage. How does Nintendo feel about this? They're like, wow, we wish our ape mascot didn't bite that man. Yeah, but like... They're like, hey, that's our hero.

Why is he bad? Nintendo steps in to help Japan join forces with New York City to fight fake Mario for copyright infringement. And slaps Donkey Kong Man with a DMCA. I imagine Nintendo has a vaccine that they can use to get rid of the Donkey Kong battle. Miyamoto is just standing with like a tranquilizer gun. It's like, this happens all the time.

Should have seen Link, man. It's a mess. Every time one of our mascots gets a little bit radioactive, they get so bitey. I don't know what that's about. They love to chomp. Anyway, I'm sorry this happened to you. And then Peter Parker would probably get a payout

and he'd just live rich and he could, I don't know, donate to social services. He'd become a photographer for the Daily Bugle and hopefully because he's not living a double life as a Donkey Kong man and a photographer, he could just kind of dedicate his life to photojournalism. Hey, would it be better if it was just Donkey Kong? What does he get from being Peter Parker?

I feel like communication and thinking a little bit more complexly than an ape. Yes. Those things are beneficial. Because it's the same way as like- Yes, you got us there. Yes. Good point. Men think better than apes.

It's the same way. Pretty much it's like if you prefer Hulk or Professor Hulk. Yes, absolutely. You take Professor Hulk. Professor Donkey Kong. Yes. name it's the same way pretty much it's like if you prefer hulk or professor hulk yes absolutely professor donkey kong man absolutely yeah well i mean it does some interesting things for new york but i do think that of all of them it provides the best new york benefits the most great publicity for new york Absolutely. New York needs it. Nintendo stocks Skyrocket. Could you point to it on a map? I know I couldn't. I don't know where New York is.

What are the benefits for New York having an ape man? A Donkey Kong man, not an ape man. Because look, they've had to deal with King Kong before and that didn't go well. Which is why a more humanoid version. Oh, you're right. They did have to deal with a King Kong. Do you know what Donkey Kong, man?

What would J. Jonah Jameson be like? King Kong 2. This is King Kong. Kong's back. Kong's back. Everyone is just being fooled. We need to kill another ape. Hey, it's really crazy.

So we're like Green Goblin gets Mario powers. Does that mean he turned Mario into like a gas? Yeah. Like he kills Mario somewhere and takes his essence. Is Donkey Kong man's costume just like an ape costume you can get from a Halloween shop? Yeah, basically with a tie.

I quite like that this version. So like Spider-Man, it's a lot about like dexterity and finesse, not Donkey Kong man. It's a lot about punching and rolling. Food first.od first. Brood first. So since Uncle Ben doesn't die, what

lesson does Donkey Kong Man learn? If any. I'm strong now. Does he need to learn a lesson? I'm strong because I am an ape. He might do the same thing that Andrew Garfield's Spider-Man does and hit a kid with a basketball or whatever. Remember that?

Oh, yeah. Then he gets scolded by Uncle Ben. This movie's horrible. How does Uncle- Uncle Ben scolds him. Yeah. Don't bully that kid. Hey, that's probably not on.

What about in an Into the Spider-Verse situation, whose Spider-Man wins? Yours. It kills both of ours. The portal opens up, you wreck another reality. Everyone's like, Fungus Man is good. Cat Man is happily sleeping on his bed, looks up as the portal opens and spores fall out,

opens up mouth and just goes, Same thing with Donkey Kong Man, except Donkey Kong man is helping society at that moment. Or maybe he's in a tree. It's hard to say. Frankly, either or. It's hard to say.

Gwen Stacy still died though with Donkey Kong man because he's got no web. Yeah, he can't save her. But it depends if it gets to that point. I don't even think he cares or knows. Well, because if Donkey Kong man, if Donkey Kong, well, who does Donkey Kong love? His family. He's not particularly interested in pursuing a love. Banana.

He loves banana. So Gwen Stacy's safe solely because she's not close to Donkey Kong Man. Banana in trouble. Oh, no. Are you going to save this This rail car full of children Or a banana Ooh banana Is that no

See that's a good thing with Donkey Kong though He's also not like He'd fight his instincts to create a banana But no but he knows Because bananas the thing with bananas is You can rack them and still eat them It'd just be a bit salty from the river Donkey Kong Country picks bananas up out of the sea All the time you can wreck them and still eat them. Yeah, that's true. And just be a bit salty from the rip-off.

Yeah. Donkey Kong Country picks bananas up out of the sea all the time. That's true. Donkey Kong's like, oh, no. He's got underwater level. He's like, whatever. It's going to get wet in my guts anyway. It's great to imagine Green Goblin being like, you saved the children.

You made your choice, Donkey Kong Man. And then he just jumps in the water. Oh. All right. He's a salty banana. I'm grinning on his face. See? That's good.

That's good. No, look, I think you can't kill bananas. You inexplicably get an A. Good job. Good job. Donkey Kong man, the world is safe once more. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

I've also been Joel. Turns out Donkey Kong, the best animal. Yeah. Who to guess? Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at SansPantsRadio,, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually.

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