Plumbing the Death Star - Which Sidekick Should Probably Have Their Own Sidekick? Live! (Ft. Funhaus)

Episode Date: March 4, 2018

In which our heroes are joined by our good friends from Funhaus to ask the hard hitting question; which sidekick should probably have their own sidekick? Recorded live from SydneyJoin our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, back in town. even though I have to admit that's stretching it. Two nights, April 14th and 21st. Two different topics, three boys, maybe more, and a whole lot of you guys. Under 18s welcome, but you do got to bring a guardian. Head to sanspanseradio.com forward slash live to grab your tickets today. That's sanspanseradio.com forward slash live. Get on it, cowboys. Hey, everyone. We're back.

But this time, we're joined by three special guests It's James Elise Lawrence from Funhaus I feel like I'm off stage You gotta scoot forward I feel like I'm too, I'm exposed up here I know what you mean, I feel like I'm so far back I feel like I'm backstage The stool is like up here. I know what you mean. I feel like I'm so far back. I feel like I'm backstage. The stool is in such a way that I can only sit like this.

We'll all sit like this. My stool's on its last leg. I'm riding the lightning, sitting on this thing. I'm going to die tonight. I'm fighting every urge to put my legs on this and kick your drink off. I can catch it. I will probably slap it

in process of hitting you right in the head. Amazing reflexes. Thanks for having us. Yes, thank you. All right, so we'll launch straight into it. Hey, everyone. Welcome to a very special live edition of Plumbing the Death Star. Where we ask the important questions,

like, which sidekick should probably have their own sidekick? I'll play second fiddle To your new love while it lasts Just like all the others I've played for in the past Why can't I be a leader and play a leading part Why must I always have to play second fiddle In your heart Now, I've really thought about this long and hard.

That's good. And I really think what... The sidekick that leads their own sidekick, they need someone that is looking after their own back, is Robert. Yeah. Because you need someone to go to bat for Robin.

I didn't mean that for bat. So just to clarify, by Robin you mean Batman and. Maybe it's worthwhile every sidekick we say the person they're a sidekick to and. So everybody knows. Batman and Robin. Because I just feel

Robin gets the short end of the stick a lot of the time. Because he's like, okay, Robin, I want you to wear these bathers and fight crime. And I just feel if he had someone looking out for him, he'd be like, you can say no. Robin, don't do that. Don't do that. That's a bad, no, no, no. Robin, you can wear pants. It's fine.

Which Robin specifically, though? Because there's so many. He also turns bad... No, no, no. Robin, you can wear pants. It's fine. Which Robin specifically, though? Because there's like a bunch of... There's so many. He also just churns through them all, doesn't he? Yeah. Also, I'd be like, there's been so many Robins. Maybe change it to...

That's the other thing. Come on. You can make up your own name. Yeah. There's so... Look at Nightwing. He did. What about Red Robin?

That's so sad. Yeah. He's like, I know I'm still a Robin. And the bigger question is, do we even want to give Robin more sidekicks? He had like three brothers in the circus. Maybe he's cursed.

Maybe he doesn't deserve any other sidekicks. Maybe they just need like a Robin support group, to be honest. Well, what I keep thinking is, what's worse than a Robin? So like, Bat, Robin, Sparrow. Whoa. No, surely it's an insect, because it's gone mammal

bird to like Batman. Robin. Mantis is still too cool. A crime fighting dog in one of those adorable dog wheelchairs. So like Robin bolts up some stairs and then turns around and has to just kind of wait.

Okay, let's go. It's set upstairs. The dog's just on its back at the bottom of the stairs. He can't move very much. Where's your dog, Rob? And treats out of his little pouch. You got this, boy. You got this. They can't do any stealth because his wheel's

always squeaking. Shut up! Shut up! Bad dog! Bad dog! Stop it! Well, I'm also worried about if Robin got to pick his own name, because he'd end up with Batman and fucking cool guy. Because teenagers, whilst they think they know everything, are dumb as shit.

I'm so sorry to all the teens in the audience, you will get cleverer. One of the Robins was like, he met Batman by trying to steal the Batmobile's hubcaps. So I feel it would be like Batman, Robin, and I don't know, the spray can. I like that Batman is like, you've got a potential kid. I like your gumption. You've almost got away with him.

It's great. Imagine if it worked out. Batman just standing at the Batmobile being like, fuck. The Batmobile on bricks. Fucking kids. Shit. Batman walking home is an image we never get to see. Or on public transport.

Someone's like, where's the Batmobile? Shut up. And then he's gonna lie about it. Oh, Alfred the Joker, he took my life cupcaps. Like, no, Master Wayne, we know the Joker did not take your life cupcaps. That's a Michael Caine Alfred. That's a Michael Caine Alfred. She's doing Michael Caine Alfred.

Wait, doesn't that mean Michael Caine would then be Robbins? Whoa! Not Alfred, Michael Caine. I'm very old. Please don't make me fight crime. I'm a celebrated actor of the screen. Get out there and punch a criminal. Michael Caine in bright green fluorescent budgie smugglers.

Would be alright. Is Michael Caine going to be in your film? Unfortunately not. He's a vigilante now. Have you heard? Michael Caine fights crime. Who works with Batman and Robin? It's fucked.

That is fucked. Grizzly. What other services does a sidekick provide? I feel like moral support and maybe a shoulder rub. I feel like you're misinterpreting the role of a sidekick. At what point does Robin give Batman a shoulder rub?

I figure when they're in bed together a night of fighting crime, it's canon, it happened, look it up. It did. They share a bed. We're not happy about it either, but it's just the facts. He's very rich as well, so it's not like they only had one bed. It just keeps getting worse.

The poverty is staggered. Robin's sidekick can't be richer than Robin. And Robin's like an orphan from the circus. How do you get poorer than that? No arms and legs. An abandoned nugget. Yeah.

Is it too late for me to quit this podcast? No. You just hit it. A career podcaster. That's who Robin Psychic has to be. Oh, no. That feels a lot lesser than... Yeah, fair to be known, I have another job also.

I work part-time at a movie theater. There you go. In your know, yeah. Yeah, fair to be known, I have another job also. I work part-time at a movie theater. There you go. In your face, Lawrence. Yeah. I'm above that. So you're already above the line. Well, then who would your sidekick be? My sidekick? Jackson Bailey.

I've always seen you as my sidekick, and this is an awkward place for that conversation to happen. But I see everyone as my sidekick. and this is an awkward place for that conversation to happen. But I see everyone as my sidekick. When you're the protagonist of the world, as I believe I am, everybody else you know is just

a secondary character. Well, actually, to be fair, we should probably pad up. Team Joel. Yeah. Equals. We're not sidekicks then, idiots. Well, actually, you'd be our sidekick. Our rude sidekick. Oh, you'd be like the monkey for the Wonder Twins. Yes!

That's alright. He gets to go on the adventures. I'm happy. Where's his family? Would it just be like Batman, Robin and a chimp? Yeah. Yeah. Because that tends to be the hierarchy because I don't think

you can get lower... What's lower than an orphan? A monkey. All right. Well, no, because... Well, you'd have to kill the monkey's parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How would you do it? In front of them. I always imagine it's like drowning. It's for your own good, monkey. Bang! Watch. Don't win.

If you were the Joker and you wanted to make a Batman chimp, I would go and drown the chimp's parents. If you're the Joker and you're making a Batman Batman chimp, I would go and drown the chimp's parents. If you're the Joker and you're making a Batman chimp, you take that chimp and his parents to Crime Alley, and you shoot the parents,

and then you make the baby chimp see a bat. Why are you making it sound like you've both thought about this long before this podcast? Because I think shooting a monkey wouldn't be as fun as drowning one. He's right. You're not wrong. I realize I'm yelling this in front of a lot of people. So wait, I think there's an inverse going on.

So Batman is heralding a bat. Rob is heralding a bird. Would a monkey then herald a human? Oh, human man. Man man, but it's an ape. Wearing like a suit. It goes to work. No one knows it's an ape. Wearing like a suit. It goes to work.

No one knows it's a monkey. Like, after hours of fight's crime. My favorite thing about this is that if Batman added an ape to his entourage, he loses credibility from everyone. Like, if you're the Joker and you're like, Hey, Batman, what the fuck? I got an ape now. It was Robin's idea.

I don't know. Comic book fans will believe anything. Can an ape now. It was Robin's idea. I don't know. Comic book fans don't believe anything. Can an ape learn justice? That's a good question. I've seen Planet Earth and they do some fucked up shit. I don't know if I can explain right and wrong to an ape.

I could give it a go. I'll be the ape. Let's do it. Let's do it as a family. So, Funhaus are going to try and convince Jackson, the ape, justice.

Right and wrong. Where are your parents? This is a good start. Understood. Understood. That's good. I'm pretty clever. Get through the communication. I need your parents and about six inches of standing water.

This is wrong. I am not learning justice. I am learning revenge. Well, that's what Batman learns. I guess it kind of worked. It just has to be directed, that's all. And then you have to be trained by ninjas? Batman's weird.

And there's probably a bunch of Batman and Robin turning up at that monastery and being like, and just what I had but for the chimp. I'll take another one of those, please. I always just assumed

that Batman couldn't be bothered training Robin to like sending off for ninjas and just sending him to like a karate class in like the middle of a strip mall.

Yeah, you're good. Well, he didn't even give him that. Batman just assumed that his training was good enough. Yeah. He's arrogant. Well, he didn't even give him that. Batman just assumed that his training was good enough. He's arrogant.

Well, I mean, Batman was trained by ninjas. That's pretty good. I think if ninjas trained me, I would be like, I can train someone else. If ninjas trained you and then you trained me, I'd know I wasn't getting the full effect of the training. Well, that's fair enough. I'd be like, send me to the monastery. What the fuck?

And he blew up the monastery. Yeah. that's fair enough. It'd be like, send me to the monastery. What the fuck? And he blew up the monastery. Yeah. That's why... You don't want to go there. Do you reckon that's a fear in Batman's mind? To be like, if I train this kid, he's going to burn down my house? That's just being a parent, isn't it? I mean, you know, at some point

you look in their eyes and you're like, you're going to try to kill me. I had a friend who burnt down his house. We've all been there. He tried to start a little campfire in his garage. Yeah. And they burnt their house down. Okay, but how good is he at martial arts? Not very good.

I'm sorry. It's like a green belt. Batman was trained by ninjas. Who trains the monkey? Well, Robin, presumably. Because if the ninjas train Batman, making Batman the sidekick to the ninjas, and Batman trains Robin,

Robin's going to train the monkey. But what if Robin doesn't want to train the monkey because he's jealous of the monkey's loving family? We can do something about that. That's also good, because the way that question was first raised, it sounded like one of those paradoxes. If Batman was trained by ninjas, then who trains the monkey?

If you answer that, the meaning of life comes to you. Oh, my God! If a monkey learns martial arts, will Batman's parents come back? How does it all work in the universe? I think a good sidekick also takes the brunt of the flack and can get thrown under the bus a lot. Oh, yeah, absolutely. They're a punching bag.

Which is great, because that means Batman has two layers now. Like, say five shots are meant to hit him, and then originally three were going to hit Robert. Now, like, Batman's good. He should get several apes to hang around him at all times. Big ones. He goes to the zoo and he's like, no, no.

It'd be hard for a bullet to go through. Excuse me, zookeeper. Where's that guy's parents? Can I feel that monkey's skin? That's a funny, you know, Lucius Fox his weapon developer I need an ape skin I don't really think you do

Master Krennic I'm fairly sure Why didn't he go for like a rhino? What the fuck, Bruce? Bring me an ape So yeah, look, Robin definitely needs a sidekick, but I think the problem here is we've just given Batman another sidekick, so maybe Robin is unfixable.

But here's a person who I think definitely is fixable with a sidekick. Luigi, as in Mario and. Hold on. I thought Mario was Luigi's sidekick. That's a hot take. Luigi can jump higher, but he's far less charismatic. I always thought Luigi is the more intellectual of the two. He's a hot take. Luigi can jump high up, but he's far less charismatic. I always thought Luigi's the more intellectual of the two. He reads a lot.

He's shot. He's hosing up his seventh reading of Harry Potter. It's a good book. Sure, Luigi. You'll get a job someday. I don't need a sex. I got the literature. I'll be all right. The scale is like Mario, at a job someday. I don't need a sex. I got the literature. I'll be all right.

I'm fine. The scale is like Mario, like apex male. Luigi, kind of rocky, but he's doing okay. It's kind of how you talk about it at Thanksgiving.

Yeah. And then there's, I don't know, Toad? Bungo? Yeah, Toad. Toad, the sidekick to all.

And it's like, you're just like, man, we just hope he'll go outside someday. And if he does, it's like, he made just like, man, we just hope he'll go outside someday. And if he does, it's like, he made some good strides this year. Toad doesn't have knees,

which is pretty fucked up. I can't walk properly. That's what's fucked up. It's a torso and feet. Yeah, there's no knees. Of all the things Toad doesn't have, that's what stands out to you No pun intended

Well like imagine Because he does walk What's happening under those pants He doesn't have a nose He's got big old baggy pants He's wearing parachute pants You've never seen him not wear pants Maybe you haven't

Well in the game Captain Toad Treasure Tracker, Nintendo has stated that the reason that Toad does not jump is because his pack is weighted too heavy. But maybe it's because he doesn't have fucking knees. I don't know. It's a conspiracy. Toad's leaning over the tutorial. He's like, say it's because of the pack.

Not because I'm a freak. No offense to anyone here tonight who doesn't have knees. Hands up. Was he just born with no knees? Well, all toads have no knees. Okay, so it wasn't like he got in trouble with the mob. It's different if you have your kneecaps smashed. That's a separate situation.

No, a toad just doesn't have knees. He doesn't have fingers either. That boy's in trouble. Does he have a nose? Yeah, but you don't need a nose. Well, no, okay. You're working. It's true.

You're fine with that one. How often are you like, thank God I could smell? Well, I just came from RTX. Exactly. My point stands. Well, with Toad though,

he's like, knee impalances cost and stuff like that mars like could you smell the gas what no oh no dead turd there's plenty of them i just want to say poor fucking luigi

we've already started talking about someone else that's the testament that's a testament. Is he just the ultimate sidekick? Well, the saddest thing is, this is the first time in history someone's been eclipsed by a toad. Fucking hell. Well, 2014 was the year of Luigi.

Nintendo stated. And? It was pretty anticlimactic. I'm not going to lie to you. It was the first time Nintendo operated at a loss. That's not a joke. That's just a fact. What does that tell you?

Again, it's that brother. He comes home. He's like, I got a sure bet. That's Thanksgiving. He's like, Mom, I just need $2,500. And you're not going to regret it. This business is going to take off. And then next year he's living in the house. You're like, what happened to that business?

And he's just... The year of Luigi. Does sound like the kind of thing that he tells his family. It is. Don't worry about it, Mima. It's the year of Luigi. His mother is like, Luigi, that was three years ago. It's over. You've got to move like, Luigi, that was three years ago.

Get over it. You've got to move out, Luigi. You're making your mama cry. Why can't you be more like your cousin, Waluigi? Waluigi just in the corner eating a whole onion. I'm the normal one somehow. My favorite thing about this Thanksgiving is Wario didn't attend.

Well, Wario is like living in the big city. Wario's in jail. That's why he's not at Thanksgiving. Mama, mama, you needed to pay for my bail. He's making video games and robbing banks. Wario's awesome. I fucking love that guy. He's got a motorbike.

That's sick. I fucking love that guy. He's got a motorbike. That's sick. And he eats it. I just realized, Luigi is not only upstaged by Toad, but he's upstaged by the ultra-dimension mirror-mirror version of himself. Which is not supposed to happen.

You get one episode and somehow Luigi ran away with it. I'm trying to think of where the step down would be. So you've got your brother. Obviously you're going to go for another brother, maybe a younger brother, like a baby. So my sidekick is a baby Mario.

And then suddenly that thing eclipses you. He's got it rough. But Luigi, he seems happy. Yeah, he seems that way. Stupid people generally are. There's sadness in his eyes. It's like he almost knows what's going

on, but not quite. Well, we caught a raw glimpse of it when he was glaring in Mario Kart. Remember that meme? That's when he takes it all his pandemic. I'm just going to toss out an unconventional scenario John Leguizamo as Luigi in the Super Mario Bros. movie

where he's kind of the main character That's true And he gets the girl at the end The thing about Luigi is that he is the underdog And how did critics and the audience deal with that film? They loved it That film is just widely regarded as a classic film.

What if that was their only problem with it? Citizen Kane. Yeah. Super Mario Bros. Well, the critics were like, amazing production design, the script is tight,

everything about it is really tight. The Goombas dance. We just gotta give it a one out of ten because Luigi's the main character and come on.

A good friend of mine like back in Los Angeles was just walking down the street one day And found this like Trash pile of papers That was all like Concept art and scripts and stuff

From the Super Mario Brothers movie What? And then he like picked The actual stuff Yeah No way And then he just picked it up And was like

I don't know what to do with this But I feel like I should do something Please tell me he just put it in a bin Yeah Just start a letter That's something good He set it on fire, but then the next day it was back there, all intact.

I wouldn't know if it's valuable. It could be. It's not. Either way. It'd be valuable to somebody. I feel like, again, Thanksgiving. Luigi's the guy who gets halfway through the meal and gets up and you find him in the other room

on his laptop looking on eBay for memorabilia from the Super Mario Bros. movie. And he's bidding on $2,000 items smeared with mud. The guy's like, I found this in a gutter. It's trash. And he's like, oh, I need that. But you know he doesn't have the money for it. This is the investment he's going to beg his mom for later.

I've got to get my glory days. Mom, I need your credit card. I'm on the dynamite to you. I just feel maybe he doesn't need a sidekick and just needs someone to hug. Don't feel bad, Luigi. Don't sympathize for Luigi. Like, that or a couple bucks.

I feel like Luigi's that guy who does need hugs, but every time he gets one, he proves why he should never be hugged. Probably a little bad touch. Luigi's someone that probably, like, have you ever had someone hug and then be like, oh, you smell good, but mid-hug? Don't ever do that. Ever.

I don't know if Luigi voices it. I think he just sniffs and you knock. Luigi smells your neck. He dives in there. I bet he just sniffs and you knock. Luigi smells your neck. He dives in there. I bet he hugs Pelvis first. Come give Luigi a hug. Pelvis first and then a big sniff.

It looks like two spaceships docking. It's kind of rotating. I think something Luigi could do to improve his standing is just not dress like Mario. Buy a jacket. Well, actually, Wario did that. Yeah, Wario's got fresh kicks. Wario was like, I'm dressed like this fuckhead that's boring. I'm going to put on a jacket.

What if I look like a biker? What if I was a biker? What if I was a biker? What if I eat my bike? Wah! That is the logical progression. Imagine you're fucking on the highway. Maybe he cuts you off and you're like honking

and he pulls over. You're like, I'm going to give this fucking little fat shit a piece of my mind. And then he just eats his bike. Do you know how quickly I would be running? Oh my god. Ow!

Ah! What the... Who the fuck you honking? You honking me? And it's how many friends I met at Goblin. It's such a fearless move. It's how many friends I met Satan. You know who I such a fearless move. I saw my friends, I met Satan.

You know who I saw on the road today? The devil. It's crazy. He ate a fucking motorbike. I love that it strands him. That's a power move right there. He said, you're chucky. I don't even care.

So what, like on a public transport you just got Wario smug as shit holding onto the rails, Batman all just I don't even care so what like on like a public transport you just got Wario smug as shit holding onto the rails Batman all just kids Luigi's standing

at the next bus stop the boss doesn't stop because again we haven't given Luigi a sidekick we got distracted again Toad and then Warrior.

Fuck. There's just so many better people. He's boring. He doesn't even get a Yoshi. He doesn't. If you say there's a game here and it's like Luigi riding Yoshi, I'm like, no, I'm not going to. Give me Yoshi more.

The most curious thing about our hatred for Luigi is that I don't particularly like Mario. No. I'm not like Mario's dick. He's not hatred. He's a dick. Hatred would require some kind of emotional attachment. It's indifference.

I think it's not that Mario's better, it's just that Luigi's worse, basically. Well, I mean, the game's... Playing as Luigi is hard mode because he's so awkward. So it's... I mean, the game's... Playing as Luigi is hard mode because he's so awkward. So it's... I mean, the game itself tells you being Luigi is tough. Like, the fact that in Super Mario Bros. Melee, or Brawl, one of them,

they programmed that if Luigi dashes too much, he just slips, and he's the only character that does that. The programmers have to be like, if you're picking this guy, fuck you, first of all. Second of all, you're going to pay for it. You deserve this guy fuck you first of all second of all you're gonna pay for it you deserve this so he's just a little bit clumsy yeah

a lot of bit clumsy so I guess we don't okay how about but he jumps high instead of like giving him a sidekick maybe we put him

into like a 90s romcom sure as the female lead okay manning pixie throw a cardigan on him yeah yeah

they can be like an editor of a fashion magazine. Yeah. Because he's always fucking that up. He'll get his break someday. I'm going to blow your mind real quick. What if Luigi is all of us? Luigi is a reflection of each and all of our flaws.

The worst of humanity. None of us are perfect, okay? Like Luigi. Some of us fall down, like Luigi. And we're often ignored for good reason. Like Luigi. I think there's something quite beautiful to that. Maybe Mario should just take a fucking backseat for a while. Be Luigi's sidekick.

Yeah. Whatever, who cares? None of them are likable. Oh, Wario's pretty good. I like Waluigi. I like Toad. Wario's loose. I'm a fan.

I think Wario's a reflection of my specific force. You've got some evil in you. I was thinking somebody who needs a sidekick is Watson of Sherlock and. Because Sherlock will never, he never shuts up. And like, that's gonna suck for Watson sitting there like, oh yeah, fucking great, you figured out from the clay on his shoe that he's been to Africa.

Shut up. So there are kind of two Watsons though. That's true. There's like the bumbling Watson with like a bowler hat who like stumbles over all the evidence and is always eating jam and dribbling on his shirt. But then there's like the cool Watson who was actually a normal human being and it kind of kept Sherlock

away from his weirdy-o. Are both of them the kind of Watson that just fucking loves like when Sherlock's doing his thing, they're like gosh, you're amazing. Watson is, to me, is always more the kind of guy who walks into it like right before they're about to solve the case. He walks in and he goes,

Oh, Holmes, it's Professor and he goes, oh, Holmes? It's Professor Willoughby, isn't it? And then Holmes laughs and goes, no, Watson. So it'd be nice if Watson had someone he could turn to and go, what a fucking prick. It's a good guess. It was a good guess. There were a lot of pieces there. I didn't see the hair. Like, he doesn't have to be

so mean. Watson always seems to me like the kind of person that would stop and be impressed by a street magician. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. By Jones! How did you do it? How did he do that? He's not sure if it's a living statue,

but he'll touch him. Oh! He does like a full fall. It can't. We're alive. Holmes, explain it. Holmes. And you know Holmes We're alive. Holmes, explain it. Holmes. And you know Holmes is always there to do,

ha, ha, ha. Oh, Watson, you idiot. It's just a man. Silver paint, Watson. It's silver paint. What? On a human man? Oh, Watson.

Sherlock Holmes explaining really mundane things to Watson is funny. The toaster is hot inside, Watson. It goes in bread and once heated, becomes toast. It gets. mundane things to Watson is funny. The toaster is hot inside, Watson. It goes in bread and once heated, becomes toast. It gets! Watson, it's just a door. See, you open it and it's outside. They aren't actually

holes from the donut, Watson. It's just a bit of pastry. Watson, that's the sun. Stop staring at it. It's really at more of a point where it's just like, Watson, you silly cunt. What do I have you around? Well, maybe that's why,

because, you know, it must make fucking Sherlock Holmes feel great. Every time, you actually, with this version of Watson, wouldn't need to be that clever. It's also very, very, very funny. So that's why Watson needs a sidekick. So that way he could be like, I think it's Professor Willoughby. And then the other guy goes, Yeah, it probably is.

I thought it was the cow. Did he not just die like that? No, he was shot. So Watson needs someone with ABI. Is that what we're saying? Maybe his head fell off on accident. Just a simpleton. A simple folk. A farmer, if you will.

A man dressed in a barrel. A bumpkin. What about, I'm going to throw this out there, blind guy. Blind guy. Can never figure out the crime. A blind guy that never got the option to adapt. So he's just always positive. He doesn't have the daredevil sense.

I'm just blind. So Watson comes in and he's like, there's a dead person! The blind guy's like, what? Watson's like, yeah, I did something. But you know the blind guy's one time just going to smell something and say it uphandedly. He's going to upstage Watson. That's a time you need a nose. There is a time.

If you're blind, a nose comes in handy. So Toad needs to stay away from any eye damage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the problem with Watson having a sidekick that's stupider than Watson is that Watson will feel clever until Holmes comes on the scene and is like, oh, Watson, it wasn't a bullet. It was a bug or something.

Shot out of a cannon. And then not only does Watson feel like so small, he's also humiliated himself in front of a simpleton who's like, oh, you was an idiot. It always comes back to poor Watson. It's also really funny. I don't know about you guys, but I'm imagining imagining Jude Law's Watson

in this situation. For some reason, Jude Law being like, what's that? It's the sun. It's very funny to me. So suave, but so dumb. The humiliation of Watson is kind of hard to avoid.

That's my favourite novel, actually. That's every Sherlock Holmes novel novel, actually. The Humiliation of Watson. That's every Sherlock Holmes novel. Sherlock Holmes and the Humiliation of Watson. It's like Watson and the Humiliation of Watson. He's not even the starring character in his own Humiliation. Because, you know,

the only Sherlock Holmes mystery I can think of is the one with the big dogs. The hounds of Baskervilles. The hounds of Baskervilles. The hounds of Baskervilles. I know I wouldn't be able to solve that mystery, but I wouldn't try. But Watson, the trooper, always gives it a go. He's always like, oh, go. You don't need to go.

You're not going to help. You're actually of no use, Watson, to any case. Hold my umbrella. Good. I'm helping. Life's pretty sad for all these sidekicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's the idea, right?

Well, I mean, in identifying a sidekick, it's kind of like, you know, having an uglier friend. You keep them around so you look better. You feel better. Yeah, that's true. So, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Yeah, that's true. Hey, buddy. Hey, man. What's up? I'm the uglier friend.

You look like a gnome. Yep. On the body of a potato. People love potatoes. Oh, it's a mess. It's fine. Someone that was like, oh, he's used to it. Look at him. I'll stop now. Do you think any of this is news?

I don't look like a... Oh my god, I do. Holy shit. Yeah, so Watson, to avoid humiliation, needs a sidekick. Have you guys got any sidekicks that you think need sidekicks? I had a few.

So I tried to identify something universal because sidekicks speak to it, as James said. The underdog in all of us. I initially thought Jesus. He needs someone to be like Judas. Bad boy. Jesus, the sidekick to God. Didn't he have 12 sidekicks?

I came up with something even more divine and more universal. He did have 12 sidekicks. Only came up with something even more divine and more universal. He did have 12 sidekicks. Only 11 good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe Judas needed a sidekick to be like, hey, maybe don't. Or someone to be like, look, at least we're going to do a don't kill yourself afterwards.

Seems like a waste. Do you think killing the son of God is a good idea? It's kind of braggable, isn't it? I did it. How often do you get to do that? Once. Literally once.

Again, speaking of the son of God, I think a more notable character is my main man, Knuckles the Echidna. Oh. Are you implying that Knuckles is a sidekick to Sonic? No, because that would be Tails, right? Yeah. Is he the sidekick to Shadow?

No, he's the sidekick to the giant emerald that keeps his island afloat. I mean, I've never played the game and don't see it anymore. He's just making it up and somehow nailing everything. No, I guess when I think about it, Knuckles is a bad boy. Doesn't need anything from anybody. Does his own thing. paves his own path. But what if, what if suddenly he were paired with a smaller

rapscallion, a ne'er-do-well, a young echidna, that teaches him a little thing about life and love? Kid the echidna? Exactly, yes. So it's your classic big daddy situation where Knuckles is out living the

Bachelor lifestyle. He's punching shit. He's climbing walls. That's what he does best. Gliding. Yeah, gliding. Like a kid. Like all the kidners do. Being red and rad. Yeah, that's how two things I'd describe a kidner as. Red and rad.

Like you can't live free forever and now his style is going to get cramped by a younger kid now. He's got to take care of him. But he's still got to keep up his cool dude ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think he'll learn a lot about himself, and we'll learn a lot with him along the journey. That's a very good point.

Is he trying to impress Sonic, like, Knuckles? I mean, we don't know. We think so, but... I think so. It's not ever said, but you can kind of read between the lines, yeah. Oh, it's more like less trying to impress Sonic and more like prove to Sonic that he's got his shit together.

Like, because Knuckles knows he's cooler than Sonic, but Sonic's like, yeah, but like, responsibilities. Knuckles knows he's cooler than Sonic because Knuckles looks like he's maybe been in a fight. It's kind of like, okay, like if you're 35 and you go to the bar with 20-year-olds and you just knock back shots

and drink them under the table. I'm sitting right here. No, no, just knock back shots and drink them under the table. I'm sitting right here. No, no, no. I said you drink them under the table, not they drink you under the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I miss it. And you're like, fuck yeah, I still got it.

And everyone's like, yeah, cool. So I feel like Knuckles is probably rapidly approaching that point of his life. So Kid the Echidna. Great name. It's a great name. We're doing it. I like you don't even back your own name.

I disown it. I disown it. I don't want any association. It's just smug smile satisfaction. Would it be an echidna or maybe like another Australian marsupial? No, because it's going to be spiky, doesn't it? A wombat? Not spiky, brown.

Yeah. But they can like roll up in a ball. They actually can't. They look like they should. They are already in a ball. Actually, to be honest, neither can echidnas, but that's fine. Echidnas kind of can. No, they can't.

You're from Australia. It depends on how hard you bend them. Witchitty grubs. Witchitty grubs. They're not spiky. You made that up. No, it's a real bug. I'm just trying to think of the other name for it.

Witchitty grub is the name for it. They taste like peanut butter. Why have you eaten... Is it like an ambulatory peanut cup? You can just pick them up? Yeah, you can. But you've got to fry them. But yeah, they taste like peanut butter.

Why do we let him on stage? No, I knew that as well. Why do I come out on stage? No, I think a smaller echidna is thematically appropriate. That's why I like it. I'm going to try and find a picture. Of a witchetty grub? That's what the people want.

Right now, everybody's sitting in their seats being like, shut the fucking, shut the show up. If I can see, he's got it for you. Yeah, I do. You ready? Yep. Prepare yourself. He's got the right picture.

These are very gross. They're all good. Okay, look. Related session number one, witchetty grub cooked. Yeah. All right, so you've been searching. Delicious. They're real gross. I don't want to show anyone. They're gross.

Go on. They're not tasty. Stop eating bugs. Oh, they're insects. Okay, we're getting there. So a kitten that was stylized, knuckles, cool dude, rad set of dreads. Can the witchety fleb or whatever you called it, can it somehow

be reconstituted to look like the coolest thing from 1984? Can you make that cool looking? Yeah Oh that's what they did in Lion King Yeah Give it a leather jacket Leather jacket, some polarized shades Make it drop an F-bomb, you're in the money

Take up smoking? No, it's meant to teach Knuckles how to be like... That's the thing, though. It's like smoking, it's got that cool dangly earring. And Knuckles is like, you can't be doing this with your life. And he's like, oh my god, it's happened. I've become my dad. But then he learns how to be cool at the same time. You can't give a witchetty grub so many

of the things you want. You can't wear a jacket because it's got no arms. It's got heaps of legs, though. It can wear leather pants, leather tube. It can't have a jacket because it's got no arms. Got heaps of legs though. It can wear leather pants. Leather tube. It can't have an earring because it has no ear. It can smoke. It can smoke.

Don't panic about that. We'll get it going there. How fast are they? Slow. Damn it. This isn't adding up. I thought we were on to something. But also like

tails the fox. How many foxes do you know that can fly? One, but like, briefly. That's Tails. It's more of a throw, really. Star Fox. Yeah, that's true. Star Fox.

Star Fox has a lot of sidekicks. Some better than others. Slippy can stay home. Fuck that frog. I guess he needs a sidekick. Yeah. No. I don't want to think about Slippy Frog.

Boo. Stop making me think about it. Are there any other sidekicks needing sidekicks? Samwise Gamgee. Excellent choice. I mean, the thing is is Sam's the real hero absolutely as we all know

yeah Frodo's kind of a piece of shit he's kind of a piece of shit and uh you know Samwise needs

somebody to share the load with because he's taking the brunt of that load well he got married at the end of the movies I feel like

that'd be a pretty good scene where he's like you may not be able to walk Mr. Frodo but I can carry you He got married at the end of the movies. I feel like that'd be a pretty good scene where he's like, you may not be able to walk, Mr. Frodo, but I can carry you. I can't carry the ring, I can carry you. He carries him and he says to his other psychic,

he goes, now pick me up. Take me up there. So would Sam's psychic just be a man? If it's a man, he can carry both in his arms. A regular sized man? Two baby Bjorns.

One for Frodo, one for Sam. Just fucking race up the mountain. Now be careful with him. He's a really tall guy, I don't know, like Shaq. Frodo, Sam and Shaq.

Go to Mount Doom and destroy a ring he'd be good at throwing the ring he'd be like come on master Shaq throw the ring in from the edge nah I got this all the way down the hill all the way back through

rolls all the way back to the Shire god damn it Shaq It's been 20 years getting here. Is this what you had in mind, Elise? Exactly, yeah. But he screams, Kobe. It's even more impressive, Fellowship of the Rings, the last one, because he nails it. Kobe! That was easy.

Swish! That's such a shock for Sauron. What? That's the one he makes? This is a really topical podcast. We're talking about Shaq missing free throws. Live in Australia. Now he's just on Icy Hot Mads.

Who knows what that is? What did you have in mind for this sidekick? I'm curious. Honestly, I just know that he deserves better. But what does he need? Something to make him stand out more or just something to make it easier on him? Because the journey is so difficult.

It's rough. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I didn't really think too much into it other than i really like imagining you know they're on that rock at the end when they've got the ring in there and they're like do you remember the taste of strawberries master frodo that's really funny because frodo's like no but if his sidekick's like yeah do you remember the taste of strawberries master frodo no yes yeah they remember strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, strawberries,

raspberries, raspberries. Oh, Frodo's dead. Why is he so smart? He's like, remember the taste of pussy? That would be Shaq. And I gotta get back to that Rosie. And Sam's like, but I love Rosie. I just realized, wait, Hobbit have really hairy feet.

Yeah. So what do Hobbit ladies have going on down there? Like 70. A lot. Well, they have hairy feet, but they just shave lines. It's just like a thin line. Very trimmed. Very nice.

Wax the side. Get through. All the way up. Taste. Do you have to take guard chairs to that thing every night? I don't know. Hobbits are hairy. You just cop it

with a hobbit. I think that's a rhyme they just say in Middle-Earth. Look, anything that makes you want to not fuck a hobbit is probably a good

thing. If it is a hobbit, you'd be into it. I would be fucking hobbits all day long if I lived in Middle-Earth, simply because

on this earth... Not if you were a hobbit, just if you lived in Middle-Earth. No, I'm me. Of course I'm me. Because on this Earth... You could have hobbited over any other fantastic creature. No, I'd fuck elves and orcs and all that. Okay, there we go. But what I keep thinking

is... So hobbits aren't special. You just want to go to Middle Earth and fuck everything. What I keep thinking is in this Earth, I don't have many options. But imagine, Middle Earth, it's a buffet. It is. It's a sexual odyssey You might be constrained

By your own thoughts there There's a lot of potential On this planet That you maybe Haven't explored There's no orcs Laws are in your mind man Also if I turn up

At like the orc place In Mount Doom I'm like hey Who wants to fuck Let's get this party going They're gonna eat me They're going to eat me. They're going to just kill me and eat me. I thought you were going to say hobbits because they're waist-tight.

That's a benefit, definitely. They also have regular proportions, but they're smaller. So that means that people like me who aren't particularly well-endowed will see their tiny hands on my average shaft and go, okay. Okay. Yeah. You got to use two. Never felt so big.

That's good for the hobbits as well. Like, you know, if you're a size queen hobbit. Yeah. The hobbits aren't doing it for you. This guy, you stroll in. Yeah, exactly. Oh, strides in. Holy shit.

That's a guy that's fucking his way through Middle Earth. That's right. I finally made it to Hobbiton. And then your nose falls off. It's okay. You don't need it. The orcs stabbed me pretty good. I'm dying.

Who's up for it? This is probably definitely not where you intended to go with Samwise's sidekick. You treat him as though he has such a pure heart. How does it feel to hear what's happened to him since he tasted the power of a sidekick? I said I just wanted him to share the load. Maybe you'll be sharing it with him. You kind of got your wish in a way. Sam's like,

Shaq, come here. We need to pleasure this boy. Oh, boy. Share the load. I assume that's how it's going down. Imagine. Boom. Parking on the side of Mount Doom. That's romantic.

That's the least romantic thing I can actually imagine. It's ashy, yeah. But it's kind of hot. Like, you know, it's dangerous. Everyone's sweaty. You'd get nude anyway. It's like out in public, so birds can see and stuff. And they can talk, so.

And it's funny, like, divorce from all the sex thing. If, like, Sam and Frodo were just like, it's hot, let's just do this naked. I might. Like, it's hot, let's just do this naked. I might. Why am I wearing pants if I assume I'm going to die anyway? Do it relaxed and cool. I like that mentality.

You're going to go to an ATM and try to take out some money and a guy's going to come up behind you with a gun. Give it all. And you're going to go, just give me a minute. I'm going to go out how I came a gun. Give it all. And you're going to go, just give me a minute. I'm going to go out how I came in, buck naked and screaming. I think any mugger

that hears the phrase, can I be nude for this? It's just going to leg it in the opposite direction. You know what? Have this gun. I'm going. I'm down. Yeah, rob me. I'm just going to be naked for it. It's not a sex thing. More of a power play, if anything. If anyone ever prefaces

something they've just said with, it's not a sex thing, I'm instantly going to assume it's a sex thing. Yeah, it is. That's fair. That's on me. So, I think, yeah, with Sam, we've kind of nailed it. I think Shark was the best sidekick you possibly could have got. Absolutely. James, do you have any sidekicks

that need sidekicks? I do. I think this sidekick the best sidekick you possibly could have got. Absolutely. James, do you have any sidekicks that need sidekicks? I do. I think this sidekick deserves a sidekick because I just like to see what kind of happens. Ruby Rod from Fifth Element. Yes. Oh, Stella Choice. He had his crew, right?

He has that one guy who he shouts at to tell him to make things more green. But he's only in there for a flicker of that film. Yeah, yeah. And I want to see a whole rotating... Who are the people that keep Ruby Rod's show going? Right? Because he does it at the opera and the space opera.

He does it when he's walking down the hallway. It looks like the whole thing's improvised. So you have to have, obviously, a lot of sidekicks. A lot of sidekicks. Yeah. An entourage. A full-on entourage, yeah. Give him the entourage crew. Yeah. An entourage. A full on entourage, yeah. Give him the entourage crew.

Give him the entourage. All of those guys, but they don't do shit. I feel as an aside, I think the whole entourage need all sidekicks. Just to whip their lives in together. No, no, no.

The entourage cast just need to go to jail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of them. But you're right. You look at Ruby Rod and you're like, so much work has gone into that. Ruby Rod reaps

a lot of the benefits, but it's really not him. It'll be the crew that are like, we need to make your hair more penis-shaped. We gotta sew you into this leopard-skin bodysuit. And he's like slapping him the whole time. I cannot wait for my shift to end. Yeah, I can't imagine, I can't see Turtle

doing that. These are all just so end. Yeah, I can't imagine, I can't see Turtle doing that. These are all just so outdated. Yeah, I know. You're like, what are they talking about? Sorry. Who the fuck's a turtle? It's a good movie, though. It's like Valerian, but better.

It is. No, but not Entourage movie. Don't watch the Entourage movie. Not that, no. But you're right. There is a lot going on there. And Ruby Rod, you know, is demanding. You wake up in the morning as part of his entourage,

and he's like, today put me in the leopard skin, skin-tight suit. You're like, how the fuck am I... And then they show up with Tiger, and he goes, I fed leopard. And Buzz and Adam. I, oh my God, you want to kill him every day. I imagine that you wouldn't wake him up,

he'd wake you up, but it would just be screaming. Every i kind of feel like his pa or his stylist they need sidekicks yeah yeah that's true they need like they like eating entourage for the entourage just to deal with us all i feel like you could make an entire show like the office based on the people that work on Ruby Rod's show. They tried to do it with The Muppets. It didn't work. I'm sorry. She's a big fan of The Muppets. No, I thought it was

hard for me to try to watch it. But maybe what we need is a primetime show about Ruby Rod's in 2018. We need that. That's what we need. That pitch is so hard. You're like, alright, so remember the fifth element. You're already like, oh man.

Set in the fifth element, what, maybe it's a fun sci-fi. No, no, no. Hold on. Remember Ruby Rod? Wait for it. Okay, so it's about Ruby Rod's TV show. At this point you're like blocking the exit. It's kind of like The Office. The Office, right?

You know how that Muppets thing failed. I remember how well Valerian went Mix the two together So all that but make it less approachable We got ourselves a show So anyway just make out the check to me And make the check real big That's all I'm here for

I'm trying to think of Ruby Rod's outfits There was the one that showed off a lot of chest And had like a fucking cowl going on There was the leopard that showed off a lot of chest and had like a fucking cowl going on. There was the leopard print skin tight suit obviously. God, I hope I can think of more. As I recall, his opera attire had an entire wreath of roses around his neck. Oh, he did too. That's somebody's

late night until like three in the morning. And those were real roses, which were extinct for at least 800 years by that point, so who knows what that guy had to go through. Does that mean Ruby Rod opens up like a history book? He's like, I want these! Who gave him that book?

That's like, imagine like a I don't know, like a modern day Ruby Rod being like, get me a Brontosaurus. I'd like to wear a pterodactyl around my waist. I've got the perfect sidekick for him. Doc Brown. Oh! Okay. Go back in time, find all that weird shit. You want a pterodactyl around my waist. I've got the perfect sidekick for him. Doc Brown. Go back in time.

Find all that weird shit. You want a pterodactyl? You want what? To wear? That's crazy, but I'll do it. Great Scott. Just describe every t-shirt I ever see in any booth at any convention. Doc Brown plus blank.

Back to the Zelda. Have you ever seen Doc Brown plus Ruby Roll? I have not. Now that it's out there. Three of them. To us. Never give him a history. It's great.

Back to the Future takes place over three days, basically. It's funny if this is as well. Like, he turns up and he's like, gee, Doc, why is there a pterodactyl in the back of a car? It's part of a...

I got this client! That's how he buys all the plutonium, yeah. Crazy feature spacecraft. Well, yeah, to Ruby, the plutonium is nothing. Yeah.

But then he gets He gets the roses wrong Or whatever On his brontosaurus costume And then Ruby's in a van Chasing him through The shopping center With a bazooka

Going It has to be green I got you now Duck down Yeah Alright Sadly It's come to the part

Of the show Where we kind of Have to wrap it up But Tragedy We all made a lot of choices We did We've got a big audience here All right. Sadly, it's come to the part of the show where we kind of have to wrap it up. But. Tragedy. We all made a lot of choices. We did.

We've got a big audience here that can help us pick who, which sidekick is most deserving of a sidekick. Yeah. So we'll go through our choices and we're going to use the oldest measurement, like the oldest judgment in the world, clapping, to figure out which sidekick. Who needs a sidekick. Who needs a sidekick. So let's go with our old mate, Robin. Does Who needs a sidekick? Let's go with old mate Robin. Does he need a sidekick?

Wow. That was a confident holler and then you realized you were the only one and you stopped and I love you for it. Thank you. That was beautiful.

That was one clap but a loud scream. Go home and like open the closet there's just one Robin under you in there. I'm curious if she's with someone

because the whole car ride home, I can't believe you clapped. I cannot believe you clapped. Robin's a good boy. He gets everything he wants. The monkey bit was funny. They did that whole bit with the monkey. It was funny. Alright. They did that whole bit with the monkey. It was funny. All right. What about the sidekick we barely spoke about?

Luigi. So deserving of a sidekick, we barely spoke about him. Yep. Yeah. All right. What about the world's greatest idiot? Watson. Watson.

That was intense. It was. I'm not going to take an easy one. Knuckles are your kid. I thought we were about to have another woo situation because that woo before the clap was really loud. But then you backed it up with a clap, so it was alright.

Another fight in the car home. No, both of them. They're good. That car ride home is going to be pleasant. They'll be like, fuck the rest of that crowd. Knuckles was great. He needed someone. And Joel for calling us out on stage. Fuck that guy too. If I previously listened to his podcast, I'm going to unsubscribe.

And there's Shaqwise Gamgee. Yeah! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq! Shaq!

What year is it? I don't think he can beat that. Watson got a big pop. I know, that was a shock. Jesus would have been a trump card on that. What about Ruby Rod? I think that's Shaquille's habit.

I didn't know so many Shaq fans. I don't know Australia that well, but you guys should love you Shaq. With the Venn diagram from Plumbing Dresser, Funhouse, and Chiquillo Needle. This crowd tonight. Lives in Sydney. Well,

is currently in Sydney, Australia. And Lord of the Rings fans. Scientists still can't figure it out. This is now the Shaq cast You're on episode three And you're like There's nothing left to talk about

We did the free throw thing We hit Lord of the Rings again So now We're just out We had five episodes About that time He fell over on TV It was pretty good

He's big He's a big boy He's so big Oh there's a suit We call him Shaqwise We call him Shaqwise Right That's all we got

Well On that note I've been Joel I've also been Joel Oh, there's a suit we could... No. We call them shack-wise. We call them shack-wise, right? That's all we got. Well, on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Lawrence. Elise. I am still James.

Thank you so much, everyone, for coming tonight. You've been great. Woo! Brave. One guy's story point. Brave. I'll take it. Oh, my God. No one is joining him. No, sit, sit, sit. one guy's story boy I'll take it oh my god

no one is joining him sit sit sit you're fucking it up are we bowing? you guys bow? Joel Zammett are we going to hold hands and bow Are we bowing? Do you guys bow? Do you guys bow? Crowds out? Joel Zammett-Nor. Are we going to hold hands and bow like we're in a school play?

Okay. There'll never come a day When I won't have to play the part of second fiddle in your heart. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13.

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Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.