Plumbing the Death Star - Which Super Hero Could Benefit From a Life Coach?

Episode Date: January 6, 2019

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Hey, listen up. This Melbourne International Comedy Festival, Sandspan's Radio has gone out of its way to satiate your feral lust for nightmare quiz shows hosted by me, Jackson Bailey. We're calling a big deal, and I had to pour milk all over my lumpy body in preparation for it,

so you better come along. Tickets are selling quick, so either head to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website, or our own website, sanspantsradio.com forward slash live, and get on it now before they're all gone and you regret it. Good afternoon, class. Welcome to today's lesson of Flumming the Death Star,

where we ask important questions, like which superhero could benefit from a life coach? That's our new intro. Are we an educational show to be shown in classrooms now? Yes. We were always that. Okay. Well, I think, honestly, the superhero that needs a life coach the most is the sad sack of shit that is Scott Summers, a.k.a. Cyclops, a.k.a. Red from X-Men.

Well, what are you doing as a life coach? Let's knock that out i think we're getting their life in order making them feel better about themselves and stop them making dumb fuck decisions yeah okay so it's my gig that's good that works for mine i'm like make them better about themselves oh no but yeah stop them making you know harmful decisions that are racking their own lives yeah and not just harm. It's not so much harmful decisions. Just stop making decisions that are going to negatively impact your life. And just maybe a bit of introspection. Have a bit of a look at yourself and be like, let's sort this out.

Okay? Let's sort this out. So, let's talk about Cyclops. So, Cyclops. Well, first off, Cyclops. It's going to be like, okay, well, what does Cyclops want? Because I know you've gone through a lot of changes. I know you've gone through a lot of big problems.

So let's just kind of like get them all out in the open, okay? Yeah, all right. So sure. You were possessed by Apocalypse. I get that. It's a rough time. But then you come back and what do you do? You immediately cheat on Jean Grey with Emma Frost psychically.

And then you're shocked when Jean Grey, a psychic, finds out? Yeah, yeah. What are you doing, Scott? That's a toxic relationship. Don't date Jean Grey. She can read your thoughts. Yeah, you don't need that in your life. Everything's a fight.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. And look, I mean, and that's the thing. Maybe just be like, hey, Jean, look. Let's have a bit of communication. Chat to your wife before you then commit an affair. Even if that affair, you know, is in your head. What?

Okay, that is... Hey, can we... Let's act this out, douche. Hey, honey, I got something I'd like to bring up with you. Yes, Scott, it's me, Gene. How are you? Hey, Gene, I'm Scott Summers. I like cold bread and museums.

That's cool. I'm Gene Gray, and I love reading people's thoughts and being possessed by the Dark Phoenix. I hope you're not reading my thoughts right now, my darling. I'm not, lovely. Anyway, I'm thinking about having an affair with Emma Frost.

I just wanted to run it by you first. My life coach has told me this is what I need to start doing. Know what I meant? No, no, no. I'm so glad that you're speaking to me about this. Anyway, I'm going to pop your head with my powers now. That's a shame.

All right. So, Scott, before you even consider having an affair, why don't you just talk to Jean Grey? So he's already had an affair? No, he's considered it because he's talking to you about it. Before you even, okay, before you go through with it, Scott, perhaps talk, talk to Jean Grey

about maybe the problems in your marriage. All right, hang on, let's chat about that first. I want to role play

something else. Oh no. I'm life coach Joel Salmon. You're happily in a relationship with anyone. You can be Scott

at this point in time though. You're not, aren't thinking about you're happily. I'm so happy that I'm in a wonderful relationship with... Hi, Scott, take a seat. So I noticed you're in a relationship.

Yeah, it's going really well. So before you have an affair... What? Because, you know, before you start considering having an affair... Yeah, I'm not considering having an affair. But you should talk to Jean. Before you get this affair going on I feel like you are putting words in my mouth

And I feel like I am being personally attacked right now Is this good for you, Scott? Is this good advice? I'm a great life coach This is not helping As a life coach Scott has to come to you and say These are my problems

So Scott has to come to you Scott's being like I'm having problems with my marriage We're like, okay, what problems are you having? I recently got possessed by apocalypse. And apparently that's not doing great things for my libido. And I just don't find Jean Grey sexually attractive anymore. Really?

I'm not very happy. That's what happened. Weird side of... And weirdly, he goes to Emma Frost to be like, help me out. And she's like, let's fuck instead. And he's like, no, Kai. That would be the... If I found out I wasn't horny after getting possessed by apocalypse the moment i like free myself from his grasp on the grounds and i'm

dying i'm like professor x i'm not horny professor x make me horny again make me horny where's my whore just grabbing his car where's my horny god where's my mojo it, I don't feel shagadelic. And then I vomit a little, Paul. I vomit, Paul, I've got you. So, yeah, I feel like we need to address your relationships you have with, you know, your personal relationship you have, because really it's kind of odd, because look at his history. Even when he was with Jean Grey before the whole Emma Frost thing,

he also was, I think he was chasing after Dazzler as well for a little bit. Basically, Scott Summers just has a kind of a pattern here of being a horn dog and kind of wanting what he doesn't have. Did you say Dazzler or Dazzler? Dazzler.

Okay. I heard Dazzler as well. There isn't a mutant named Dazzler out there. Dazzler. I can Dazzler you. Hi, I'm Cyclops.-Eye out there. Daz-Eye. I can Daz-Eye you. Hi, I'm Cyclops. I'm thinking about fucking. Daz.

Oh, okay. He's a hunk. So, again, we have to kind of really establish, like, okay, well, what is it that you're looking for, Scott? Why do you keep, A, cheating on Gene? And why do you keep, you know, going for more psychics? And also, why do you keep cheating on psychics? It just seems like there's a...

What would your advice to him be? We've established a pattern, great. So you're considering having an affair. Okay, as a life coach... I've had one already with Emma Frost, and apparently I'm after Dazza and Dazzler. So this is post-affair already. Yeah.

It has to be. Well, if it's post-affair already. Yeah. It has to be. Well, if it's post-affair, you're in trouble already. Because again, and he's like, the moment he gets caught, I think I've mentioned this before, but the moment he gets caught,

he just, rather than confront any issue, he just fucks off to the Hellfire Club and gets very drunk. Okay. Well, that's how most people deal with their marriage falling apart. Yeah.

What would your advice to me be i'll be i'm i hey i'm scott summers i've had an affair with dazzler dazzler and emma frost i would avoid your telekinesis your telekinetic wife for the time being first of all was this again it's kind of like where does gene fall into this um this is more of a marriage cancellation but it's like well where does gene form this do you want that relationship to work or um do you not? I guess the reason that I think we have problems is that occasionally she gets possessed by an ancient force.

Yeah, yeah. And goes evil. Yeah, and she does die a lot. Yeah. So now I'm thinking back, I think that may be how this problem fixed itself. She died. Yeah. Well, like, what are the rules there?

Say you're in a relationship with a superhero, and that superhero's like, occasionally I turn evil. Do you have a deal where you're like, when you're evil, we're not technically married? Or when they're evil... Because, like, with my partner, if I was like, hey, I do turn evil occasionally, don't consider us wed or together when that happens,

because I'm going to be eating kids or whatever. Yeah, I feel that situation is like, look, you guys live a very different marriage and relationship to what we would define as what the average Joe or Joess lives. So it's kind of like

you need to find out what works for you. So maybe is an open relationship, is that something that works for the two of you? Certainly seems like what Scott would like. It seems like definitely what Scott wants. But maybe also what, you know, Jean wants because she's been looking at Logan a lot. Yeah, that's a good point. I forgot about her and Logan.

You know what? I've got another solution. Ask for a divorce. Yeah. Neither of you seem happy in this relationship. I'll be honest. Look, we have several options. One is a divorce because clearly you're both not that happy.

Yeah. But is this something you want to work out, maybe it's considered like maybe an open relationship is fine. Maybe if you want to, in a safe environment, bring a third person back into the bedroom. I know the X mansion was started as kind of like a big orgy house. Yeah. So you may as well just lean into that.

Yeah, absolutely. Because it's like, okay, Jean has feelings for Logan. And look, Scott, if you have feelings for logan and look scott if you have feelings for logan as well that's completely fine that would work out that'd be kind of nice have a nice little kind of system going is it the same thing with emma frost is the problem with with scott somers life like being an x-man oh yeah if he was just a guy if he just like like is your best advice to sc Summers, quit? Oh, yeah. My 100%. Because he'd be like, all right, so let's have a look at this.

You know, like, how many times has Xavier really fucked you over? Oh, just countless times. How many times have you cried over his dead body and it hasn't been his dead body? Oh, just a million times. A million times. So, you know, there's a time where it's just like, I think also Jean Grey is a huge problem in your life. It's kind of like a very toxic relationship you can't quit. Mm-hmm.

You know, remember that time you were with another, like, Madeline Pryor, I would say, was probably the best thing that ever happened to him until she turned out to be a clone of Jean Grey. But that's beside the point. The point is... You picked a difficult task. Oh, I know. The point is, like, you know, she was your escape. You left the X-Men.

You quit the X-Men. You went with Madeline Pryor. You had a baby with her. God. Because Jean Grey, she died. She was dead. Rest in peace. Rest in peace.

But then the moment she popped back into existence. Did you say she was dead and I'm horny? I said she's dead, rest in peace. But the moment she came back from the dead. She's dead, I'm horny. It happens. Go on. You abandoned your child you abandoned

your wife and then you just basically left to have this fun adventure with this this woman that you remember quite fondly from your teenage years yeah so like it's time to stop let me kind of like relive those teenage years and stop trying to do that and kind of grow up and be a man how do i do that take responsibility of your actions yeah the first thing is to take responsibility actions give me give me a plan as a life coach you've done a lot of telling me what i've done wrong yeah yeah i'd like to know what i can do to fix my problem all right i think it's like uh well first let's go find like maybe maybe uh let's online dating let's try that for a bit let's try try and, you know, not date complicated, not mutants,

but like complicated heroes. If I lived in the, in like the X mansion and I knew that Scott Summers was like using a life coach and I saw him online dating and he's like, this is it.

This is the advice I can give. I was just like, let's get out there away from the bubble that is X-Men. Yeah. That's good advice. All your people that you've been dating have been tangentially related to this sort of paramilitary lifestyle you lead.

So, let's try and bring you to a level of normalcy that is great for everyone, but mostly great for you. Move out is basically the best advice you can give Scott Somers is go. Is move out. And so, that's the interrelate, interperson relationship kind of stuff, is move out. Let's get some more friends as well. Let's try and get your social life up and happening. The sad thing about the X-Men is that their friends are just other X-Men.

Oh, exactly. You're forced to be friends with the X-Men. Yeah. That sucks. Move out. Maybe you're good friends with the original X-Men, you're good friends with Bobby and Hank and all of that. But maybe just catch up with them every so often.

You know what I mean? Does Cyclops have a hobby? I think he likes tinkering around with motorcycles, that kind of stuff. Okay, well, join a club. Yeah, join a club. Chat to other motorcycle guys, you know? Yeah. Join the Hellfire Club.

Yeah. Yeah, Join the Harley What are they called? The motorbike thing? Hells Angels Hells Angels Go to a Rolling Stones concert Yeah

Kill a guy Okay Okay Step it back But that's another answer there Let's just focus on What it is that Scott Summers likes to do And I think

Right He does Hobby wise He does enjoy You know Tinkering with motorcycles Let's focus in on that. Maybe take a couple of, you know, what do you call them, lessons in putting together a car.

I always talk to you, like, take a couple. I'm like, Valium? How's this? Chill out, bro. Mellow out. And I know you have leadership qualities. I know that's something that you want to, like, you know, really foster. But you seem to be doing this with a bunch of other x-men or people that

you're just going to train to fight the good fight how about you join a um like a big brother program where you take in like wayward teens or that kind of stuff and together you you know build like just any charity he could do because i think he'd be a really good big brother yeah and then i think that'd help out his lead like you utilize his leadership skills and, I guess, his, you know, willingness to do good. And we put it in Channelette to a very good place. I feel like Professor X would be mad at you. Potentially.

But you know what? Next thing I think about it, Scott Summers would be really good to, like, a single mum with sort of, like, an at-risk youth. Yeah. An at-risk child. I think Scott Summers would really just slip in quite nicely. He should become a caseworker, basically. Oh, you're saying as a dad?

As a dad. I think he would do really well. Marry a single mum with an at-risk youth, Scott Summers. I'm not saying do that. I'm just saying as a side thought, not as a life coach, as Joel Samet personally, I'm like, so that'd be all right for a storyline. But no, it's like, yeah, perhaps know, perhaps join like a club, like a motorcycle club like that, where you can kind of like tinker around with kind of like either vintage motorcycles, something like that, what you like.

Scott's almost grown up. How old was he when he first joined the X-Men? He was like 15, maybe even younger. All he's known in his life is... Oh, Jean Grey's his childhood sweetheart. Cut her out. Exactly. So Jean Grey is your childhood sweetheart.

Cut her out completely. Take a gap year is your childhood sweetheart. Cut her out completely. Take a gap year. That's what he's got to do. Find yourself, man. And stop blaming yourself for some of the big problems. Look, I get it. You blame yourself for Xavier's death. I get that.

But you were possessed by the Phoenix Force. Come on! If I was also trying to life coach Scott's armies, I would sit him down and I would be like, everybody in this world who has powers will one day be possessed by something, will one day die and will live forever.

As soon as you accept those three truths, your life's gonna be fine. No one's really dead, Scott. And everyone will live forever. Exactly. It'd be like, alright, cool. Look, you just have to understand that... Everyone's evil for a bit and everyone's good. Exactly. It's like, I just want to be like Look, you just have to understand that- Everyone's evil, for bit, and everyone's good. Exactly.

It's like, I just want to be like, all right, you need to stop blaming yourself. Yeah. Just take the- have some responsibility of your actions, but realize that there are certain things that aren't your fault. It wasn't your fault that evil or whatever you did while you were possessed by Apocalypse, like it wasn't your fault that evil you did while you were possessed by the Phoenix Force. Jean Grey, your crazy childhood sweetheart, killed a fucking planet. She ate three billion people.

No one holds her to account. I don't care that it was a clone. It doesn't matter. The point is, stop blaming yourself and actually forgive yourself and give back to the world. Get away from the X-Men. Yeah, I think that's the best advice you can give. Get away from the X-Men. Become like a big that's the best advice you can give. Get away from the X-Men. Become like a big brother and really kind of like...

Divorce your wife. Divorce your wife. Just really divorce your wife. And maybe get a better connection with your kids, you know? How many children does he have? Two. I never hear about them. Well, Cable and Rachel, and they kind of went to the future.

Oh, okay. So you hear about the adult versions. Yeah. That's weird. You think Cable and Scott have ever had a big hug? Yeah. That's nice. Stop hanging out with your adult son. He's older than you. That's wrong. You didn't grow up with him. Like, this is weird. He sort of did. Yeah, but not in the now

time. Did he also go to the future? If my adult son came to me... Yes, give me that dumb comic book bullshit. But that's nonsense. That's the future if my adult son came to me yes give me that dumb comic book bullshit that's like if my son say became a no well thing is like he got he got all techno organic virus and they sent him into the future yeah but then to look after him scott and gene also went into the future and looked after him yeah yeah and then they went back in time so they kind of wait is it they looked after baby him or adult him? Baby him to adult him. So they were there for his childhood, but they were all raised or they all grew up in the future.

Okay. Yeah. So Scott went to the future, then he came back. Yeah. But when he was in the future, he raised his son. Yes. Apparently. This is the first I'm hearing of it, too.

So that's like if I had a kid and I knew him now In the present as an infant And then all of a sudden I went into the future No You missed a step What step? So you had a baby He's an infant

Now A cunt called Apocalypse One of your enemies One of my many enemies Gave him a virus Let's make it that dog i hate yeah that dog you hate gave your son a virus ah then um people always ask why you hate that dog and now they'll finally have it gave your son a techno-organic virus so then um mother askani

comes to the dog's mother or my child this woman? No, it's a woman called Mother Ascani. It's like the religion. No one's mother. Which may or may not be Rachel Summers, your daughter. I don't... Oh, God. So, yeah. So, she comes to the present. Yes. Her past.

Yes. Your present. Yes. And it's like, that sucks. Give me a baby. I'll raise it in the future. I give her my baby. Yep.

And then you don't see your baby for a while. You're like, drat. Yes. Then some other bullshit happens. And then you and your wife... Yes wife yes are projected into the future to raise that baby at what age um as the baby and then you from the baby to like an adolescent okay do i skip any of the baby's life not really but when was it raised by mother askani and she just took the baby to the future so i appear at the moment she arrives in the future with my baby yeah and i steal the baby off her and raise the baby yeah

why didn't i take the baby back to the past because they didn't have the technology in the in the past to raise my baby to keep the technological organic virus at bay i choose superman I choose Superman That was the equivalent of me bursting my head out of a well full of water I choose Superman I need to be free I'm sorry Mostly because So what I was thinking about is I was thinking about Superman's dad's dad Rest in peace

Rest in peace Papi can't stay around Papi can't Tornado got him. All the planet got him. Or a heart attack. Hard to say. Yeah.

So Superman right now, he's an adult and his mom is like 80. Yeah. So my only advice to Superman would be like, your mom's going to die soon. Fuck off this planet saving shit. Spend her last who knows how many years living with your mom. Okay. That's a good point. Because many years living with your mom. Okay. That's a good point. Because one day Superman's going to be like.

She's like 60. Still. Our parents are like 60. Nevertheless, I would not want to be in space and find out my mom had had a heart attack and died. Yeah. I think it's going to be like. Superman. Superman.

Superman. Superman. Superman. Superman. Superman. I feel like I'm on a lot of opposite. Yes. Cook's life coach.

Listen up. Here's the thing. Yes. You're going to be in space. I am. You have a lot of technology, a lot of JLA technology to keep people alive in space. Yes. Correct.

So what about this? You obviously, maybe you can't be on Earth all the time looking after Mama. Yes. Why not bring her with you on all your adventures? about this you obviously maybe you can't be on earth all the time looking after mama yes why not bring her with you on all your adventures so you'll fuck off the kent farm look i'll be i'll be superman here all right that's all very you can be greenland okay it's all very good and well but i'm i'm going up into space and there's some dangers there yes and what if she's in danger well you just you just you just keep her protected. I know. I do that.

I try. Well, you can leave her on the satellite, then. Okay. The JLA satellite. But that's like a target. It's a beacon. People like the JLA. You know what else is a beacon?

Your farm where your mom lives. Well, that's why. You know what she's a beacon for? Disease. But look, I wear. Old age. I wear glasses, and no one can connect Superman to that. Superman, you dumb fuck.

What? We all know you're Superman. What? Hi, I'm Greenland. I'm also here. Hope powers me. That's not true. It's real power.

Fuck. I just think that... Okay, so, I agree. I really hope this works! Why do my powers not work? We told him it was hope. That's a good joke. He's basically useless.

I wish it was hope so that I could literally do that. Like, oh, jeez, I hope these powers work! And then they would, because I'd hope. But, like, I mean, getting Clark to spend more time with his mum is a good It's like well what do you He's got responsibility He's like yes I want to take care of my mum

And I do take care of my mum But I with great power comes great responsibility I read that in a comic book once About a Spiderman film Yeah I know the comic's about Spiderman don't worry And I have this great power And unfortunately the burden of saving humanity is... Clark, look around you.

Look at the amount of superheroes that are on this world. There's fucking one per square inch. That's true. Of this damn... And how many of them are basically like your family, super something. Exactly. Or fucking Martian Manhunter is basically you, but better. So take the time.

Take the, what, she's 60 now? 70? 80? It's 20 years. Spend time on the farm. Get to know your mom. All right. And then when she dies, back off to space.

Okay, so you want me to retire for 20 years? Yeah. Can't I do a bit of both? Look, I'll try to go to space, but I can still protect the world. Do you need to sleep? Not heaps, I don't think. Not heaps. No, because I just get powered by the sun.

Okay. I mean, if I don't see the sun when it's nighttime, I'm like a bird and I go to sleep. Why is Superman not powerless during nighttime? I assume he's like a battery and he just charges up. If night went forever, he's like a vampire, but opposite. A reverse vampire. Yeah.

Isn't the moon also lit by the sun? So it'd be weaker A version Yeah He'd be weaker at night Hit him with a club at night bad guys Come on He'd be bad in caves

Caves is Superman's Worst area to be in Caves and He must just charge up In the ocean Yes yeah Underwater Yeah

And I guess the depth of space Because He's gotta fly I guess real close to a sun But it's Earth's yellow sun But if he flies too close to the sun, it overloads his cells and he dies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe becomes the sun. That wouldn't be part of my coaching.

I don't know that about him. In fact, I'd be like, go in the sun, see what happens. Maybe he's good. Anyway, as Superman's lifeguard, you'd be like, look, just cut out sleep, stay with your I almost said aunt, but your mother. During the night. Aunt is in that comic book we both read. Ah, yes.

Okay. Good to know, gang. Stay with your mother during the day. During the day. Yeah. I feel like more crimes happen for Superman during the day. The night's pretty quiet. He can sort them out at night.

You're friends with Batman, Superman. Yes. So why don't you rig something up with Batman? Because he's all about surveillance. Yeah. We know that. So why don't you have something where it's just like any big planetary problem, you'll get paged and you can deal with

that. And any kind of day-to-day crime or day-to-day kind of super villainy, JLA or fucking Teen Titans. Cops. Or just basic cops can handle that. Whereas if there's an asteroid coming... Someone falling off a roof? Oh, well.

Batman got it. I guess what I just... I just would like to know why... What do you mean he's not super far? Oh. Why Superman is not like... Like, you don't need the Kent farm anymore. Keep it bought,

but your mom no longer needs to tend to it to keep it going. But she likes doing it. She likes it. It's just what she likes doing. She likes tending to. Well, then. Then you're like, hey, you're right.

No, Superman, get her a small garden. Yeah, exactly. If she likes tending. A whole farm is intense. Because like. All right. So you have a farm. You're doing that presumably to make produce that you would sell to keep it going.

Right. Why? Yeah, I know. She doesn't need that. Presumably the JLA makes enough money. Yeah. Where do they get their money? Because it's not government funded.

It should be. Because Amanda Waller is like, I am the government and I hate that. Is Superman paying for the JLA on a reporter's wage? Also, when does he get time to be a reporter? I'm the government and I hate that is a good statement. Hi, I'm the government and I hate that. Maybe it's Batman.

That's weird. I feel Batman. But even still, it's like, all right, well, what does your... I think that's... You're right. What funding does a JLA need? Well, they need to build the satellite. They need to feed them.

They need to feed them. They need specific rooms full of their own trophies. Magic shit. Magic their own trophies. Magic shit. Magic shit and trophies. That's what's kept in the JLA space station. Sure is. Also, there's a space station. Surely Lex Luthor just shoots rockets at it all the time.

100%. That's mostly of Clark Kent's job description is fighting Lex's rockets. I just think that the JLA to me The satellite seems like Or the headquarters of justice or whatever Seem like the safest place on the planet But Lex Luthor keeps hucking rockets Yeah but no one ever dies

Good point Whereas Mark Kent could die of old age at any time Life coach hi Yep I'd just like to thank you Superman for choosing the competing life coach package. Whoever wins, you win. All right. Life coach.

Yeah. Jackson Bailey, my life coach. Yeah. What else? So your suggestion is to take my mother to a space station to protect her. Yes. To prevent her from being murdered. No, to prevent her.

No, so that you can spend time with her and she doesn't die of old age or a heart attack while you're out like your dad did. Or a torn knife. Oh, that you're out. Like your dad did. Oh, that made me sad. Sorry. Hard truth. Hey,

uh, hi, uh, Superman. Uh, so Jackson Bailey, my life coach, did you split into a red and blue Superman? Yes.

Um, so let's solve some problems while I'll, you know, you go off and be red Superman. I don't love my mom. And, um, do that.

And then we'll just take it in, in, in, in turns. No, I'm on mom shift 24 seven. Oh, mum. And do that. And then we'll just take it in turns. No, I'm on mum shift 24-7. Oh, okay. He's mum's boy, Superman. And now I understand why I'm Superman blue.

It's great to imagine. I'm red because that's the colour of a heart that I drew on my mum's Mother's Day card because I love my mum. Superman's sitting at a table eating spaghetti whilst Mark Kent wanders around is great. I'll spaghetti, mama. So, all right, hey, Jackson Bailey, you're all up on your high horse about me spending time with my mum.

Do you spend a lot of time with your mum? So you're not my life coach. It just seems... Because, look, I mean... This isn't a two-way street. You paid for my services. I hate to kind of, like, look, the hard truth is that, you know, humanity, there's an end point. As a Kryptonian, I do have an end point, but it's so far into the future.

It's crazy. I see you saying you just don't care. Whereas you, I mean, it's just like, maybe you should stop spitting some time on me and focus on you. And when was the last time you called up your mom? Probably the other day. I saw her the other day for lunch. Yeah, look. When was the last time you called up your mum? Probably the other day. I saw her the other day for lunch. When was the last time you saw your mum? The other day for lunch.

We could catch up every now and again. Your mum's older than mine. Yeah, but that's not the point. I can fly to my mum and have coffee. No one's trying to kill my mum. No one's trying to kill my mum. Not yet. Hi, I'm a bad guy listening in kill my mom. Not yet. Hi.

I'm a bad guy listening in on this. Are you threatening my mom? I'm just saying it's part of the lifestyle. I'm a Lex Luthor goon. Oh, wait. Your mom, you say. Oh. Oh, wait.

Now she gets threatened in BVS. Good point. Yeah. It happens all the time. Sorry that she dishes out her own great life advice in BVS. Hi, Superman. Fuck off. Blow up Earth. Kill all the time. Sorry that she dishes out her own great life advice in BBS. Hi, Superman. Blow up Earth. Kill all cunts.

Lojack your mum. You know, put a chip on her, right? At all points, you know where she is, Superman. That's cool. But she, he knows. He probably isn't that he doesn't know. He's like, I lost my mum. Well, that's the thing he does, though.

Where did she go? When Lex Luthor kind of kidnaps her, he's like, where is she? Yeah. Superman don't fucking know. If he had lowjacked his mama, he'd be like, got her. Just saved her. I'm good. Why does he know where Lois Lane is at the start of the movie?

Lowjacked her. Oh. Doesn't know where mama is, never lowjacked her. See? This is, again, maybe toxic relation. Maybe Lois Lane needs the fucking life coach. Get Superman out of your life. I just think, and it's true of all superheroes,

is that the moment they become a superhero, Earth becomes the most important part of their life. They forget their family. Or, like Batman, they make their family their work. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I think you also need to be like, all right, let's... You have a problem, Superman.

Make your family your work and have a love a day again in your life. Hey! That's what they say. But, yeah, you need to be like, all right, Superman, you need a work family or work personal life divide. Yeah. So, let's kind of, like, break this up. And I understand you can't kind of do, like, a nine-to-five job because you don't because you don't have that uh like you know ability because like you don't know when a rocket's gonna come yeah so why don't you just for every rocket you save you know make that a rocket of

of sun love to hug your mom were you trying to say every time you save a rocket or you destroy a rocket from attacking Earth, spend a day with your mom. Yes. Yes. Or Superman. I guess what I want Superman to do is learn how to take a day off. Yeah. Superman would be like, today, if a rocket comes for Earth, if a meteor comes for Earth,

one of the billion other heroes on the planet has got it. Exactly. Or delegate delegate at least yeah if you yourself are like oh but i and then they can no look as we've established martin martin martin martin manhunter martian manhunter is basically you but better yeah why don't you have you know have like that jla pager to be like hey martin can you go hey sorry i deal with the meteor but it's my mom day and everyone will be be like, oh, and they'll deal with it. Yeah.

So I guess that would be ultimately my advice to Superman. Just learn to take a day off. Idiot. Have a day off. That's not a bad idea. Okay, I like that. I'm getting it. Scott Summers needs to kind of divorce himself from his wife and the X-Men.

Yeah. Superman just needs to learn to take a day off. Learn to have a bit of a work-family divide. And I'm picking Batman, who just needs to learn to have a bit of a work-family divide. And I'm picking Batman, who just needs to retire. I mean, yeah. Basically. Hi, Batman. Take a seat.

Before I do that, here's a word maybe from our sponsors. Also, let me remind you that this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I will be hosting Big Deal, a nightmare quiz show where I will almost definitely make enemies from the various comedians and Sandspans people we have as contestants. Grab your tickets now from our website, sandspansradio.com forward slash live. So what do you want? Thank you. So thank you so much for hiring a life coach.

So what is your game plan here? You can be Batman. I'll be your ward. Okay. This is my ward. Hi. He's one of them. Yeah, that's fine.

Anyway, ward just. I keep my Ward. Hi. He's one of them. Yeah, that's fine. I have like eight. Ward, just... I keep having kids. No worries. I'm going to do flips in the background the whole time. That's perfect.

I think he has ADHD. That's fine. Batman. It's ripped in my face. He's fast. Batman. Yes. Batman.

What? What is your end goal? I fell over. He fell over. Hold on. Ward, can you please leave the room? Okay, I'm going to

stop some crime. Bye. A crime-free Gotham. So your plan is to wipe out all crime? Yes. All crime? Yeah, I have to fight back the night. Well, the crime I can get to.

Okay. I can't kill anyone that commits fraud. All right, so Batman. That's not... I can't kill anyone. I don't kill. You understand... No guns.

Yes. You understand that No guns. Yes. You understand that crime is infinite. What? Are you a... That sounds like something a criminal would say. Unfortunately, that's just a hard truth. Crime is infinite. Is that a classic saying?

Crime is infinite. I'm going to punch an old lady in the mouth And steal her hand back Crime just never ends It goes on and on and on It never ends He's got a point there Again, it's not so much crime is infinite

It's just our social structure as it is If you're going to be fighting in this system You have to accept that this system has crime So you need to either up your game To be like Then I'll up my game Hi, this is Fighting the system This is woke life, coach Yeah, you need to either kind of like up your game to be like fighting the system. Woke life coach.

You need to either fight the system as itself or you need to accept that if you don't and you don't make these big giant social changes, you're just going to be stuck in this perpetual cycle. I've got to protect Gotham. Okay, so you understand that so obviously there was a very tragic moment in your past

with the death of your parents. My mum and dad got hit by a car. In the front alley. They stole her pearls. My mum and dad stole some pearls and got hit by a car. My mum and dad were criminals, I guess. No, in my mind, I was imagining my mom and dad were the wealthy wains and they'd just come out of seeing the Mosque of Sorrow

and they saw a woman with some nice pearls and they stole them from her. But then a car hit them and then I decided to become the bad man. All right. So that was a tragic incident incident but as you can tell your parents did commit a crime proving the crime is in fact infinite that's how i want to stop crime because my parents committed the greatest crime of all in front of my young eyes and were punished for it, teaching me crime is wrong. You do crime, you get hit by a car. That's how I became whatever criminal fears

car man. I roam the streets of Gotham, corner criminals in alleyways and run them over. No guns. No guns. No guns. No pearls.

Pearls killed my parents. No pearl. I don't fight with pearls. A pearl necklace you just tear off and huck at criminals? Okay, yes. So you understand that since your parents died in Crime Alley, since you've become Batman, crime has skyrocketed because you as a masked vigilante has resulted in masked criminals.

Also, you're doing a crime. Yeah, vigilantism is a crime. Sometimes you've got to do one crime to stop other crimes. So what about with lawmakers, if they sort of, like, again, do you always keep up to date with what's happening on law books and, like, so certain things kind of... I tend to stop what you'd call obvious crime, mugging, murders, riddles.

You stop murder. I try to. What do you want me to keep it going? But surely once it's murder, the crime's already happened, you can't really do anything to stop it. Well, I stop attempted murder. Well, no, I going? But surely once it's murder, the crime's already happened. You can't really do anything. Well, I stopped attempted murder. Yeah. Well, no, I just stopped.

What do you mean? But then it's still attempted murder. Why are you arguing semantics with me? Crime's infinite. So you want him to only stop attempted murderers, but if a murderer commits a murder, he's off scot-free? He's like, well, I've already killed the person, so what can we do?

What's the worst thing you can do? He's already done the worst thing. Just let him go. I've got to stop him attacking again. If I go, then Gotham is eaten up by the criminals, by the Riddler and the Joker. Why don't you use some of your vast wealth? Again, this whole talk about changing the social structure of Gotham.

Yes. And so why don't you start putting more money into, like, orphanages? You like that. I'll tell you why. Because I know where you're going. You're going to say, why don't you use some of your vast wealth to just improve the infrastructure of Gotham City? No, no, no.

I was going to say, so you have a database with all the criminals? Yeah. Buy an island, move all the good guys there. And just give Gotham to the criminals. Yeah. Buy an island, move all the good guys there. And just give Gotham to the criminals. Yes. Well, that, you know, they've deserved to live as well,

I've decided. What? They can live together. Yeah, but they'll kill each other. That's not your problem. Then they're stopping crime. Gotham is my city. Do you know of New York City?

Yes. Buy an island. What happened to York City? Who gives a shit? Go buy something else and make a new Gotham. A new Gotham City. I could never leave Goth Who gives a shit? Go buy something else and make a new Gotham. New Gotham City. I could never leave Gotham.

Well, you're not. You're making a new Gotham. Gotham is where the people are. That's still technically leaving Gotham. Or the same strategy, but just put all the criminals on the island. Yeah. Well, I'd love to do that, but yeah, good job. Good luck me rounding them up.

It's easy. You do it over. Oh, it's easy. Take all the good guys. Yeah. Move them first to the island. Oh, wait. This is the all the good guys. Yeah. Move them first to the island. Oh, wait. This is the rabbit, the fox, and the...

If you want to put the good guys on the island, then you've got to go back to Gotham, which is now riddled with crime. Yes. Now that you know that every person you see there is a bad guy. Right. It's going to be a few punches, but you should be able to round everyone up eventually.

You've got to take over the entire population. You're going to need a second raft, because you're going to need to send the good guys back to Gotham as you take the bad guys to the island. Hey, it's Batman. How many people are criminals? Oh, too many. 90% are. Most of Gotham. What minutes?

You've already lost. Retire. I'll never lose. Batman. Yes. Batman. How about this? You're good friends with a lot of people.

Yes. With superpowers right you are a man in a i'm a symbol more than a man okay why don't you okay so you're a symbol hold on yes batman oh no no burp came go on all right so batman you're a symbol yes and the symbol is your outfit it's the bat so the bat okay it's a bat because i told you it was a bat. You probably wouldn't figure that out otherwise. Anyway, go on. Alright, so you're friends with, like, say, the Justice League. Superman. Superman.

Flash and the Manhunter. Flash and the Manhunter. Martin the Manhunter. So, why don't you get... Marty. Good. I love that guy. Why don't you just get them a costume? Like a Batman. Gotham's my city. Yeah, but they can help. I don't let anyone in.

So it's, you know, there's like, okay, it seems to me, Batman, that what you're doing is half measures so that you perpetually have something to always do. You don't want to go the full way. You're only kind of committing kind of like at a very surface level. So you want to stop all crimes. And look, I know we've suggested like maybe put some money in infrastructure, put some money in sort of like- I'll tell you why I don't want to do that.

I understand. Look, I'm not saying to do that. Because it'll be embarrassing when I'm just Bruce Wayne again and everyone's like, well, that was pretty embarrassing, the Batman stint, wasn't it? Now that you're just Bruce Wayne. They'll be like, hey, didn't you used to dress up like a bat? Okay, so this is less about Gotham more about you?

Yeah. This doesn't sound like you used to dress up like a bat? So this is less about Gotham, more about you? Yeah. This doesn't sound like you want to stop crying anymore. This seems more about you helping me. Personal work. I never got help after my parents got hit by that car. Yeah. So what we're going to do here is, look, we're going to talk to Flash. We're going to talk to Superman.

Okay. Martian the Manhunter. Even Wonder Woman. And we're going to give them bat suits. Martian Manhunter. He keeps saying Martian the Manhunter. His name is Martian Manhunter. Martian the Manhunter. Even Wonder Woman. And we're going to give them Batsuits. Martian Manhunter. He keeps saying Martian the Manhunter. His name is Martian Manhunter. Martian the Mad Hunter.

I thought it was Martian the Manhunter. No, he's just Martian Manhunter. Martian the Manhunter. His actual name is John Johns. He rules. That's not even a joke. I'm pretty sure. Isn't his comic called Martian the Manhunter?

No, he's Martian Manhunter. I'm adding a that, a that. I don't know. You called him Martin before. That just rolls off the tongue. Martin the Manhunter. Are you thinking of Marvin's Martian Manhunter. I'm adding a that, a that. I don't know. You called him Martin before. That just rolls off the tongue. Martin the Manhunter. Are you thinking of Marvin the Martian? Yeah, you are.

Yeah, Marvin the Martian. I think I am thinking of Marvin the Martian. Do you know Marvin the Martian? He is a character from Looney Tunes. Which you had a crossover with recently. I do have a crossover with him. That's true. So you do know him.

You know Elmer Fudd. I think I had a crossover with Elmer Fudd. So, yes. So what we're going to do is we're going to give all these people We're going to give them Batsuits and they're going to help Clean up the obvious crimes What will I do? Retire

Just give Superman a Batsuit I did that once as a trick on the Joker And the Joker punched him Thinking it was me and got a nasty shot Sure did So what is Batman? Apart from Crime to stop How about this So what is Batman Apart from crime

To stop How about this We'll give Superman a Batman suit And maybe some other people some Batman suits And we're going to get you some therapy I think that's probably the best Like a grief counsellor Grief counsellor

Try murder Maybe you should kill Because then at least you can keep track of how many crimes you're stopping it is a problem that no one i stop actually ever stops but then won't you become a murderer therefore committing an obvious crime that's all right i don't know if you're familiar with uh three trees just sweet revenge the michael wicker romance album batman but that's the plot of course yeah uh the protagonist is i killed i killed and then he goes to hell and the devil's like you need to make a deal i'm gonna send you back to earth to kill 1 000 bad souls and when you get a thousand souls you'll be reunited with your wife kills

999 then realizes that he has murdered 999 people and therefore the 1000th soul is his own. I mean, if I kill everyone in Gotham and then leap in a ripoff, then no more crime. Sorted. Utopia. Make sure that Damien's probably alive so that the Wayne legacy continues. He can be the new Batman. I'm a great life

coach. I think you've just made a mass murderer. I solved my own problem. One of the greatest Gotham has ever seen. I think at that point you've killed more than Zar or whatever his name is. But again, then I solved the problem.

I mean, I... Then no more murderers. I guess that's one way of becoming a life coach for Batman. I would just say therapy. Maybe some grief counselling. I would be like, you're doing great, buddy. Collect a paycheck.

Go home. Get the fuck out of Gotham. Who's paying him? Batman's paying me. What? Jackson's life coach advice is like, you know what? Good job.

Maybe beat up the Joker a bit more next time. When was the last time you beat up the Joker? Batman would be like, last week. Maybe let's pencil in another one for tomorrow. It'll feel good. Yeah, I think it'll feel good for you and relieve some tension. Anyway, that'll be $400 for the session.

I mean, sorry, $1,000. An hour? Yeah. You've been here five minutes. Can I use your bathroom? Stay there for an hour. Anyway. Sorry, I had to take a big shit.

It's been an hour, Batman. That'll be $1,000. Oh, $1,000. That comes too. Thank you very much. Anyway, remember, beat up the joke. riddle it, joke, whatever, whoever. Bye. Bye, Batman.

Enjoy. Yeah, solve all your problems with fists. Gee willikers, Batman, he didn't flush. And scene. So I think in terms of all three of them, I think Scott Summers, it's going to be a tough battle to try and get him to divorce the X-Men, but I reckon... And his wife. And his wife. But I reckon, like... Two divorces for one man in the space of a week. It's what he needs. It's what he needs.

And until he decides to do that, it's just not enough to happen. It's a cycle of problems. Superman, I think you've probably got the best chance of spending time with your family. Yeah, spend a day with your mum. I think he'd be like, look, I understand one of my biggest regrets is not being there for my granddad, for my dad. So, yeah, I think he's probably going to be like, you're going to really appeal to his sense of humanity.

Yeah. To be like, oh, yeah, 100%. You don't want to be there and she dies. You know, who knows? I want to be there whenever and I want to kind of have these moments. Because for Superman, that's like a blink of an eye. He lives forever. Exactly.

So it's going to spend time. And also, not just like your mum, but also your wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they married yet? Ah, who knows? They've got a kid, I think. Superboy. He wears jeans.

I don't know. So, again, and also spend time with your family. Just become like a good dad and a good son. And I think Superman is the kind of person that would take that on board and be like, yes. The moment you tell us, like, Batman, maybe you stop stop Batmanning, I think you've become a villain to him. Absolutely. And he might force you to dress up in a costume so that he could beat you.

Yeah. Or he'll just beat you up and they'll be like, who was that? And he'll be like, he was the grief counselor or some shit. He's a bad guy. Lock him in. He kept saying crime is infinite. We call him infinite crime. Yeah, he had a catchphrase.

He's locked up in Arkham now. And then you become an infinite crime lord because that's what happens in Arkham. You just become the villain. I'm going to spend in Arkham and be like, hey, you know how you're really busy with one Batman? Start killing more parents. Get more Batman. Actually, what you would become is that you would start off as I am the life coach, and then you would do a stint in Arkham and become the bad life coach.

Or the death coach. That sounds like a train. Choo-choo. I am the death coach. All aboard. Choo-choo. Yeah. So I think Scott Summers, choo-choo. Yeah.

So I think Scott Summers, a bit of uphill battle. Superman. Probably the most doable of the three. Batman, I think you've come off worse. Yeah. I'm an Arkham now. I did time to kill people. I probably should be an Arkham.

Yeah. Probably a thousand people, one of them himself. It's fine. What if you're saying that to yourself? I did good, I think. I'm pretty sure I nailed this. Anyway, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've also been Joel. We've been life coaches. Take care of yourself. If you need any advice, just hit us up on Twitter. My advice will be perfect. My advice will be, keep at it. My advice will be, look after you. We've got a PO box where you can send us your checks. It's $1,000 an hour.

55 minutes of that will be our shit. Class dismissed. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspan's Radio. Or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit.

If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com, and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time.

Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses. thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time goodnight for now but not forever kisses